Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 232: Dusty Cabinets & Song Titles To Describe A Bad Date - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

On today’s episode, we discuss shooting free-throws without fingers, air horn beckoning, and an air-quotes comeback. We also discuss living with a neat freak and stomach bugs. We end the show with a draft of real song titles that could describe a bad date. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-ting, ting, a-walla-walla, bing-a-dee-bing-bang! Okay. All right. Welcome in, everybody. I accept.

Yeah? You're okay with that? Yeah, I am okay with that because the extra walla-walla. Is it too clean? It was very clean. I liked it, but it was... You made the timing work at the end Walla Walla. Is it too clean? It was very clean. I liked it, but it was you made the timing work at the end. Al loves it. Yeah, y'all are tough

critics. That was a good scat. Thank you. We are tough critics. The standard we set on the Spitballer podcast is extremely high. We can't help it that your bar is in the basement. He's trying to remind you that

he's got a scat coming up here soon he doesn't want a tough critic for that scat i see not soon enough and i just took one of his greatest hits out of the out of the running he just scratched it well he scratched up there there goes ting walla walla bing bing bing is off yeah welcome in one and all andy mike and jason back with you the spitballers podcast would you rather that's a great question and then what should be a very entertaining draft we are drafting song titles that can describe a bad date so that'll be fun i i have a feeling that there will be some surprises and um it will be very entertaining. But thank you for joining us.

Thank you for telling your friends, your family about the show. They love it. Honestly, it's the least you could do. I think that is the least you could do. Some people think, well, I could do less. I could not tell my friends and family. Right.

But you can't. Not in exchange for what you're receiving. Right. Did you hear the scat? Bing, bang. I believe it was a ting tang it was a ting tang walla walla and then some other words yeah i mean we because we don't infringe on any on ip out there no no but no thanks for telling your friends and family uh for following

the show on apple podcasts and spotify and wherever you're listening and let's get it going would you rather all right ethan from twitter jason very important question would you rather use air quotes when you say your name or use air quotes when you say other people's names oh man jason yeah i mean look one of these you look like a buffoon one of them yes because the other you look rude if you're saying it about yourself and you're like oh yeah i'm jason right you know well this is me you just look so stupid to be fair though you don't have to say it in that voice or with that facial expression you say nice to meet you my name is mike for those of you watching he did that very casually you don't have to lean in you can just always have to do the air quotes and then i feel like i don't say my own name that much so i think i'm going that route it's just an introduction to people and people will go

they'll do a double take huh and they will they will just move on they will never ask a follow-up no one will ever call you out for it when you said that to me as you did with with a normal straight lace this is just my name is mike and you threw up those air quotes my brain immediately went i have a lot of questions i'm gonna ask none of them so i i think you actually might have found the loophole to this if you just say hey my name's jason yeah the people will now that you see it right if you if you see it it's so casual you've never you don't realize that you've never seen someone do air quotes without the air quotes voice right Right. Because you add the sarcasm to it. Yeah.

It's, it's really weird to say things that have air quotes without. Welcome into the spit ballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. It's just stupid. I think we're onto something because air quotes have, they've kind of, you know,

played their way through. They were when, when they were brought into the world of sarcasm and comedy, very funny. We're just a little bit past those. And I think this is a way we can, if you want to revive air quotes, this is the way to do it. This is how you do it. Air quotes one time. Yeah, see, it works.

Air quotes one time will get passed over. Air quotes two times is a problem. And if you are introducing yourself to a group of people, you only have to do it once for yourself, but you'd have to do it for every one of their names if you called them by name. This is Andy, Jeremy, and Mike. Yeah. And then questions do get brought up. Okay.

We broke this question. I thought for sure that this was going to be rude when you say it about other people, but I will never say it about other people. I will casually mention my name, throw up air quotes, and no one will ask a follow-up question. The best part will be when you're in court and you're testifying on the stand and the judge

goes, please state your name. And you go, Andy. There is your name, Andy. No, it totally is andy you will get follow-up questions if you're in indeed in a courtroom sir i remind you you are under oath i know i'm jason oh this is bad audio but yes go to youtube you can see it it's do it around the house youtube.com has anyone ever done that on the stand? Just not with their name, but just like at any point.

Oh, that'd be great if you were just like, I absolutely did not kill them. Yeah. What does the stenographer do? Do they have to like, do they have to actually notate them? He sarcastically put it up. He said it's serious, but he threw air quotes up. Just a quick correction. It's YouTube.com slash spitballers.

Oh, even better. Spitballers pod will not work for you. Okay. Don't go there. Thanks, Al. You're welcome. Al, if that is your real name. The Schmidler family on Patreon said,

would you rather live the rest of your life with someone who is extremely OCD about tidiness and cleanliness or someone who doesn't pick up after themselves i mean i have a quick answer on this one i but i want to tease it out because i don't know if i'm thinking of this the wrong way well you you are i think a tidy person by nature more tidy than uh than slob slobly slobly is yeah yes as as the proper word is i do uh i guess i'm a more tidy person yeah i mean but i guess the ocd could reflect it could reflect negatively like if you you know that person might be all over you to keep things the way that they like it they definitely will be like if i think what we're just trying to say is someone who is very passionate about the cleanliness of their space. My mother used to be a little bit OCD about tidiness, and we would use this against her.

It was very normal and common for my sister, myself, and my mother to be out to dinner. my sister, myself, and my mother to be out to dinner. And any time, any moment that she would look away, she'd look at a TV, she'd look at the waiter or waitress, we would put a little mess on the table. We'd sprinkle some salt. We'd throw a little piece of garbage on the table. You would torture her is what you're saying. But it was not just your own space.

It was just any space just on the table we we would we would make a little mess but he's saying like like she was ocd about tightening us at another place yes yes anywhere so it was like we she would have to clean up the mess and she at first she wouldn't even know what she's doing you know what i mean she comes back and she just cleans off the table wipes it up and then you know two minutes later there's a there's a mess there again then two minutes later and then eventually she catches on she's like stop it stop doing this and we would never ever stop doing it i mean it was the other one is just a lot of fun the other one is like um i don't know you start you start tiptoeing down the hoarder's train you know

where like you've seen those houses if you never clean up after yourself there is a battle of wills that happens because you try to be the person that does and then the other person doesn't and maybe there's some resentment and this this can go you're climbing over people's clothes or they're you know the counters are dirty yeah i, look, I lived at one point in college in a house that was rented with seven dudes. Oh, man. Those seven dudes were seven messy, nasty dudes. Now, are you counting yourself in there? Oh, yeah.

Okay, I just want to make sure. No, absolutely. You sound like you're blasting your roommates. No, I'm blasting everyone who lived at that house of which I was one. And that place got... Wait, hold on. How many rooms? I think there were like four bedrooms.

Okay. Something like that. So how much floor in the bedroom? Two dogs. Okay. Yeah. In the room, how much floor could you actually see? Well, it depended on-

Surface area of clothes to carpet. Did you have to do different walking styles? Oh, for sure. Yes. There was not casual walking. There was no as the crow flies to get to where you needed to go? No way. Like the Indiana Jones trying to spell out Jehovah. Absolutely. Don't make a mistake. you're like way like the indiana jones trying to spell out jehovah

and then absolutely don't make a jumping over things oh i mean that you know i'm i i'm sure there was feces on the ground i mean it was a disaster when ocd tidy side when we moved out i can only imagine they burned that place to the ground i mean there was no clean it it's the only way like we gotta we've gotta we need to rent this house out again so tear it down build it uh back up i you gotta be on the ocd tidiness side i mean if you're going to extremes here if you're going to extremes one of them is a health hazard one is a health benefit yeah i mean you might get yelled at a little bit like pick up after yourself you know whatever but like you should also pick up after yourself that's right that's good advice my uh my wife is she likes it tidy and she likes you to clean up after yourself but she's really she's not

like crazy about it you know she's understanding but my favorite moments are the ones where i'm actively using an item she doesn't realize i'm actively using and i it's like if you pull out the smoothie container then i walk to the fridge to get the milk and when i walk back the smoothie container is already gone impressive and i'm like i am actually making a smoothie give me five minutes please i've never been able to hang a picture the hammer always gets put the hammer is gone um but yeah i think we agree on that one as well so um all right skip stone from the website says would you rather be the first person in your house to get the stomach bug or the last oh i don't like this question. So it goes through the whole home. It's going through the whole home.

If you're the first, then you are babied the most. Yes. That's a huge one. You're also immune while the rest of it happens. And you're not looking at the time bomb, so to speak. When you aren't the first and you see it happening, you go, because you have to take care of people in your household, your spouse, your children. I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about this question.

Sure. So I will go first. Because if it's in the house and you're going to have to get it anyways, you may as well be the person who has the fewer responsibilities over the course of the bug. There's hope to being the last, right? Like you think you're going to get through it and you think it's not going to hit you. And if this question was more like you have a 25% chance of not getting it if you are the last. I like that.

Is that worth the chance? 25%? I'll take those odds. You give me 10% chance, I will still take it. I'm not there. You just want to knock it out. But you don't live in fear of getting it. So why not take the 25%?

Well, because one of these has to be the caretaker. And one of these is the cared for. You'll be taken care of at the end. No, you aren't. Whoever's last to get it, the whole house is done with caring about it. By the time the last person gets it, they're just locked in a room. Fin for yourself.

Ooh, there's a chance they could say something like, it wasn't that bad. Right, yeah. And then you don't get the pity you want. Oh, no. There's no pity for the last one so you haven't changed on your need for pity during sickness no in your 40 years not at all i i i like to be cared for when i'm sick i'm and if i'm last i'm not cared for mike are you a uh need to be uh no care of guy you want to be locked in your own room alone uh guy

yeah yeah yeah mostly i try to do you request a bell to ring to get some help or most definitely mine's more of like a uh an air horn oh like you got the you got the two stories you got to make sure that the people so you do the air horn and it's followed by you puking yeah I still one of my worst memories of my life was a stomach bug that went through a house because we did a trip I was a teenager I'd never been anywhere

outside of Arizona pretty much and our friend group went to Chicago oh no and we stayed in the smallest I'm talking you know it's two bedrooms you stayed in like Jason's college house? Just, yes. And there were like the five of us plus three kids for this person we stayed with,

plus their grandfather, plus the two of them. So there's like 11 people in here and one person got the stomach bug to start. And the horror and terror that ensued for the next five days, it was just a house. There weren't enough drains. Let's just put it that wayued for the next five days. It was just a house. There weren't enough drains. Let's just put it that way. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

And you're away from home. It was not fun. Yeah. All right. Kyler from the website, would you rather watch a great movie with an unresolved ending or a mediocre movie that ties up all the loose ends? So do you want the story redeemed

or do you want it to redeemed or you want it to be a letdown at the end what a letdown i love unresolved endings oh no oh yeah you're that guy oh yeah oh wait do you walk away going that was art no i say that was awesome it was artsome no because i have why do you love unresolved endings? I'm so curious. Because I have an active imagination and I can fill in the rest of the story. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't need them to hold my hand like I'm a toddler. Okay, hold on.

So you try to finish the story in your brain. I want to clarify a couple of things here because I think some people would say Inception, for example, doesn't have a resolved... Sure, that is an have a resolved ending. But that's not how I see this question. That ending is left up for a fun debate at the end as to what it meant. And you can have arguments over it. So like there wasn't a resolution. Sure, but there are movies that are completely, there's just no ending at all.

Give me an example. Oh, I don't. Inception, that's the type of ending that I'm talking about where it's just like. Total Recall. Those are awesome endings. Okay. So you're on my team. I guess I might be, but I have seen artsy movies.

I can't remember the names of them because they're stupid, awful artsy movies. Blade Runner has a thought-prov Runner thought-provoking ambiguous ending yes Blade Runner is the ending is just like we hate that it's just like Inception I feel like the indie movies that are you know day in the life of and there's these things going on they just and then the credits roll and you're like the heck did I just spend two hours watching this movie? Like what happened to the rest of their lives? Yeah, like you told the story. So you would much rather have,

where like I'll take that, where it's just the movie just kind of ends and it feels a little anticlimactic, but I enjoyed the two hours. You want the ending credits where it shows every character's face, and then it freezes, and it's just a sentence like, then they went to college, and they got married.

I love those endings. Bob got a job as a construction manager. That is so weak. Liar. Liar. You're a liar. Tell me in the end of Sandlot that you didn't watch and see what those kids' futures were, and you're like, Dad's awesome. He became a wrestler. That's cool.

Because when I watched Sandlot, I was a child. And when you say children don't matter, Mike, you don't love our kids? I am saying my ability to consume a story has changed from the time of being a child to being a grown up. I see both sides. But Mike, you have to admit some movies take the easy way out with that. Sure. Where they get there and they're like, I can't be creative enough to tie up these endings. That's how those indie movies feel.

The indie movies feel like, I told a story, I'm not sure how to end it. Ooh, credits. And then people will be like, what happened? feel the indie movies feel like i i told a story i'm not sure how to end it ooh credits and then people will be like what happened it'll be like exactly but it's just a cop i'm guessing that during the writing portion it's it's not they're not like oh crap i don't know how to end this just do it it's over credits like this i don't think that's the thought we're out of budget where i see right through them where see i see the the other side of the story i i think that's the thought process. We're out of budget. I see right through him. I see the other side of the story. I think that's the cop out of like, we don't know how to end this.

And they're like, this happened to that character. This happened to that character. And the movie's done. Everyone's real happy. Thomas lived a happy life. Got married. Had two kids. Retired. I will say that when the movies show this is the future for these characters that when

that happens i love it i mean there's not one example that a movie's ever done that where i'm not like heck yeah man tell me the future what if they uh what if they started uh adding that as the like an add-on to the movie ticket yes like you pay an extra five and they give you the pamphlet that says what happened to all the characters at the end they'd get five more dollars out of me every single movie i mean i don't even care what it could be hamlet everyone's dead and said tell me tell me tell me the next 15 years their lives look like 10 years and they remained dead yeah oh yes i knew All right, we're moving on. That's a great question.

All right, well, this first one comes from Andrew on Patreon. It's me, just so you know. Oh, thanks. I submitted this one because I wanted to know your answer. I was very curious. You can shoot one free throw. Make it. You get a million dollars.

Miss it. You can never text again. Do you take the shot? Absolutely, I take the shot. You take the shot. One free throw. One free throw. What do you think your percentage chance is? I think it shot. You take the shot. One free throw. One free throw. What do you think your percentage chance is? I think it is realistic.

I have it in my head what I think Jason's realistic chance is. Realistic right now. Because when I played basketball in high school, I was an 80% free throw shooter. I am not that. I don't play very much. That was a while ago. That was a long while ago. 72 years ago. I don't play very much. That was a while ago. That was a long while ago.

72 years. I can't see what he's written down. I believe I would hit 60% of my free throws. He gave you 65. Okay, thank you. I'm going to be above 50%. That's a 35-40% chance you never get to send a text the rest of your life.

It's not that bad. You say that, but I think you underestimate that importance. There could be advantages. Your kids? You're never texting your kids. Yeah. Oh, no. I got a call.

You're never texting the contractor. I got to hear their beautiful voices. They're not answering that. They're texters. Yeah, but they know dad won't text them back. They probably don't know how to have a phone call. They'll be like, hello? What is this?

Yeah. So you're taking the shot. I'm taking the shot because you okay I've got a below 50 chance to miss out on texting for the rest of my life but there could legitimately be advantages to that even though I love texting I text all the time there it could be good it could be good for me but there is very few situations I would say none, in life where you have an above 50% chance to do something to get a million dollars. I'm definitely going to be making some changes to this question in a second. But, Mike, first I want to know if you'd do it. Now, your free throw shooting is probably not where Jason's is at.

No, not anywhere close. I would put myself maybe 30% if I'm being generous to myself. So are you taking the shot? What if I make it $5 million? Yes. Okay. I like that if you could see your face, you were considering, you were genuinely in thought.

You're like, would I do this? He changed the numbers. Like, that's easy. Yeah, well, I mean, it was like I probably end up doing it for a million dollars. And if it's five, then yeah. So I'm going to make two alterations. First, I want to know, would you take a longer amount of time preparing for the shot, or would you try to be in rhythm?

Oh, you've got to be in rhythm. I would have my two dribbles, bend the knees, spin the ball, take the shot. Mike, are you really concentrating here? I mean, I don't have. I never played. You don't have a routine. I never played organized basketball. Are you going underhand?

Ooh, that's a good question. Because my granny shot is definitely better than my overhand shot. You know what? I don't understand why it doesn't happen more in basketball like free throws and I I get why because it's dumb looking because it's pride it's pride this is the answer to my question is pride but as you grow up and you're you're learning to play basketball and you're shooting free throws and you're getting better if you just worked from the time that you were a young lad all the way through college ball and into the NBA on straight

free throw banks you couldn't make them oh sure you should be shooting 95 just banking that off the back Shaq uh it was I was reading this the other day like it's been well talked about he was a horrible free throw shooter 52 or something his whole career they try and try to get him to go under him. And he just straight up said, I don't want to look stupid. Yeah. He was willing to sacrifice multiple spots. I love it. I would look so stupid making all of those shots.

Yeah. I would rather miss half of them. Because I don't look stupid when I miss something that's called a free throw. Here's a new question. Follow up hypothetical called a free throw. Here's a new question. Follow up hypothetical with a free throw. Okay? Okay. I'm making it up on the fly here.

$10 million. I made it. Okay? $10 million. You shoot until you make it. Every miss, one of your fingers falls off. Falls off. Falls off. So there's no pain i don't pay i'm missing a finger you're losing a finger now is that the shooting hand because you don't get a real problem you won't know you won't know but my follow-up is you're committed

to the shot and so if you miss two two fingers are gone you miss three three fingers is gone so i mean it it falls off and we're saying like it's just covered up immediately um or is it does it is it an open wound does it hurt i mean it can be it can be covered up immediately okay i mean but it will be remaining on the ground next to you that's fine you're not it's not gone it's like but the nub is it's falling and you've got a nub can i kick it out of the way you can nudge it yes you can nudge it out of your shooting path um if i if you're shooting 65 but you might lose one finger here oh i mean it's 10 million i could lose i could use them all several well eventually if you miss if you miss those first five you're going home with no fingers and no money um i will i will accept the the game and i will play the game if i get to pick the finger solely because i you know

if if it was my right hand middle finger yeah you're done i don't know how you could shoot lefty your odds are going down yeah i mean it's just all of a sudden i go from so what do you what do you go do you go well i'd start on the left hand because i'm shooting right-handed i would start with the pinky you get to i feel like i go ring finger you get to choose you get to choose uh but it's two fingers if it's your left hand and it's one if it's your right. Ooh. Okay. So now I've got- Also, this is the dumbest question I've ever asked. Little claw.

No, dude, you've got to keep the pinkies. Just for you listening- Keep the pinkies. Yeah. No way. For you listening at home, Jason is now trying out different formations of three fingers on his left hand to see which claw he prefers. You've got to keep the pinky.

No, the pinky's not strong enough, Mike. It doesn't do me any good. No, the pinky's not strong enough, Mike. It doesn't do me any good. No, the pinky's gotta go first. What? You guys are crazy. No, you need to have your... You gotta have their three diamonds. You gotta have pointer, middle finger, and thumb. No, your ring figure's useless. You notice every claw machine, they don't have pinkies.

That's true. That's clearly those three prongs are their middle finger pointer. And the thumb. I feel like just with the opening. Are you taking the shot for $10 million? No. Losing fingers?

No. Okay. There's no amount of money then. Oh, I mean, of course. There's an amount of money. $11 million. There's an amount of money for nearly everything, which is unfortunate. Can I buy a ball yeah it's it's a bad observation about us as human beings that there is a price yeah but i like i said i think i'm down at 30

that really is sad mike there is a price for almost everything i, darn near anything. There's like a price. It's not reasonable. Can't happen. But it exists. Yeah. James Brooks from Patreon has another great question for us. What is the proper way to put up glasses and mugs after washing? Oh, yes. Upside down or right side up.

So is this just to be clear? I want to because, you know, it's not taking them from the dishwasher. This is you wash them, and then you put them away? Or you wash them and you set them out to dry? They're dry. Oh, just dry glasses. Yeah. So you don't have to consider any drainage here.

No. This is a perfectly clean and dry glass. I'm just going to admit it. I don't know if this is shameful. 100% of my life has been up. Yeah, up is the right way. But I think the question... I'm an upside down man.

You're an upside down man? Now is this... I am as well. You gave me the thumbs down. That means upside down? Correct. Brooks, Brooks. I'm up.

Okay. Three to two, we win. So question here for you two upside down gentlemen. Is this more based on water or more based on the dust? It's got to be dust. Okay, that makes sense. But dust can't accumulate that fast. Dust requires three days of not being used.

And it's in a closed cabinet. Is there really dust getting in there? I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. That's what the logic my brain tells me is that, like, you can look around in your living area and it's disgusting. It becomes disgusting in a matter of, in Arizona, a day. A day, like, stuff is already dusty. And I just imagine it getting into my cabinet.

Oh, my God. And going into my cups. Which is apparently Al's view too. Yeah. There's really no downside to placing them upside down. They look stupid. No, no, no, no. The downside is if you take it out of the cabinet and put it underneath the faucet,

there's no rotational effort on your wrist. That's true. There is some science behind the fact that those that keep them down, their wrists are weaker. Like the ergo conversation, that's true there is some science behind the fact that those that keep them down their wrists are weaker like yeah like the ergo conversation that's fine but you guys are just you guys are drinking the desert i don't just so much it's so much dead mud dust dead skin if this was poop it's everywhere if this was you can't stop it about open shelves i think you're right yeah dust everywhere yeah but if you everywhere. You think the tiny little crack keeps the dust out?

Yes, I do think it keeps the dust out. Dust settles from the upper. You're opening and closing your cabinets all the time. As soon as you close it, you're pushing all of it in. Just waft it right in. How dirty are your houses? Yeah, they're disgusting. These two gentlemen are not gentlemen.

I change my air filters. Thank you. You're a responsible... I drive a Dodge Stratus. Your air filters cannot stop the shedding of your skin. You're leaking your arm hair and your skin into your cups? You are just living, walking around. Just living.

Your skin is everywhere. I'm leaking skin everywhere except my cups because they're in a cabinet. If I left my house for 100 years and I came back. Do you know how small microscopic is? And I came back to this house and it's covered in dust everywhere. Oh, yeah. There's plants and vines growing everywhere.

I would open these cabinets and everything is fine inside. Yeah. You guys have so much faith in a thing. I have really nice cabinets. They're airtight, sealed. Vacuum sealed. If you have vacuum sealed, then you're a little bit okay. Because like I said, as soon as you open those up and you close them,

you're inviting it all in. This is ridiculous. One reason that I wouldn't put them down ways is because when you take them out of like the dishwasher stuff they're not always 100 dry and i don't want to like leak water down under the wood yes that i get you guys do you guys line your cabinets with a little extra moisture absorption no so you've got some cracked cabinets they've got mold in their cabinets to avoid the microscopic dust. Mold to avoid the dust. Mold makes you strong. Oh, yeah. Penicillin.

All right. Do we got time for one more of these before our draft? We sure do. All right. Sandwich Supreme on Patreon sent us in this question. If I text someone and they complain about me waking them up, is that on me for texting them too late at night or early in the morning?

Or is it on them for not using do not disturb while sleeping? This is a great question. It's a great question with a clear answer. Yes. This is only one person's fault. You're going to say that it is the do not disturb that needs to be on for that person. They need to control their own universe. Yes. And I can just willy nilly text anybody I want. Yes. Anytime I to say that it is the do not disturb that needs to be on for that person they need to control their own universe yes and i can just willy-nilly text anybody i want yes anytime i want that's the magic of texting is that i can send it to you at any given moment i don't have to wait until you're awake to make a phone call so are you telling me that like uh you don't pause and think about that when you text ever ever no i do yeah i do because i know people make mistakes with their do not disturb that's part of it is like so we have our accountant our financial guy

lives in hawaii so he's doing really really bad uh he lives in hawaii and so like eight o'clock our time is like five in the morning i think think, in Hawaii, or 4 in the morning. I think it's 4-hour time. Every time I Google it, I'm like, it's way too early. Yeah. And I have to make that decision when I have a question at 7 or 8, but I am now aware that he do not disturbs his phone. Yes. Therefore, I fire away.

Look, if you are a person who has, you're a professional, and you have made it in your life that you can go live in Hawaii you know how to operate a phone and put on your do not disturb it's you it's automatic you don't have to turn it on and turn it off you can tell your phone this is the hours I want do not disturb on this is not 1997 where everyone has a Nokia that doesn't even have vibrate. You only have sound on or sound off, and there's no D&D on that. It's a fine question 30 years ago, but right now, if you can't manage the tech, get out of here. Okay, let me give you a follow-up then.

I'm in the mood to modify today. What is your reaction when you do call somebody and you get the tired you think they just woke up voice call yeah you know that's different okay but yeah i'm not calling people at 11 o'clock because but aren't they supposed to have do not disturb ironically that math does check out do not disturb should stop the call from coming through it does not stop the call from your contact list that's or your favorites or something yeah set that up i believe the way that works is the second call it's your favorite second call from i think it's the first one i think it's the first one i'm

on it i think it's the first one but um if you get the tired voice though because you catch them in a nap or some do you do you panic and? And do you wish you could just hang up? Or do you apologize? It's too late at that point. Did I wake you? Is that coming out of your mouth? No, you say, you sound terrible. You put it all on them.

Okay. But that I'm aware of. So you wouldn't make the phone call at 5 in the morning for sure? Right. That's fair. I don't call my dad after like eight o'clock because he's an old man he goes to bed very early and i know that the phone will ring through he texts him the the number is 9-1-1 and waits for the do not deserve to go off for him to call

and i'm like why didn't you call me last night um okay all right yeah that that makes sense the phone makes it very are you in agreement producers that the uh responsibility is now on the do not disturber definitely now that there is one caveat here which is a people above the age of like yes 60 yes sure 100 they they the fact they're never touching the do not disturb that's far beyond their capability if you got to 50 and they also don't have vibrate on there's no chance if you got to 50 and did not. They also don't have Vibrate on. There's no chance. If you got to 50 and did not already operate that new method of technology, then we presume. So that's the barometer. Like, when did this thing exist?

The do not disturb automatic window thing. Did that happen before or after they were 50? Then you know whether or not they use it. That seems like an easy thing you can do for your parents. Teach them? Yeah. It's not easy. You seems like an easy thing you can do for your parents. Teach them? Yeah. It's not easy, but you can't do it. You don't even need to teach.

Just grab their phone. You just turn it on because now it's on forever. My phone doesn't work anymore. All right. Moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right, this is a fun one. I believe Jason made this one up.

Song titles that could describe a bad date. Now, I think we were going to do movies or something, and then now we're doing songs. Who knows? And maybe we'll do movies another time. Truth be told, yeah, we were doing movies, but Jason prepared for the wrong draft. Okay. So we're doing songs, and we might save movies for another day.

Okay. I like it. I like it. There are a lot of different songs that could describe a bad date. A lot of different angles you could take. I don't feel like there is... I mean, of all the drafts, there's no 101 here. Correct.

However, I'm going to go with Can't touch this by mc hammer very good um can't touch this i believe it is you can't touch this okay you can't touch this yeah the official name you can't touch this yes with the letter u um it's not spelled out mc hammer had no time for extra characters no not not back then back then characters were yeah you had a limit so that is my that is my song title describing my uh a bad date i like that so we know a little bit about andy now he wants to be very physical on this date and it's bad because you can't touch this. All right. I like it. That's the way you took that?

Yes. Oh. I did not mean it that way. Oh, you meant just like. I did not mean it like I was trying to get handsy and they said no. Okay. That's how I took it. I meant like the day went bad and I am therefore saying you can't touch this. That's where I was.

Thank you. I had to step in there real quick. 100% thought you wanted more of a physical relationship. And the date went poorly because you can't touch this. Because I was denied? Yeah. No. Okay.

Well, that's good. Oh, man. I am red. All right, Mike that's good. Oh, man. I am red. All right, Mike, your pick. All right. Of this list, how do I want to start it? I will go. I'm going to start my draft for describing a bad date.

I will go with, don't stand so close to me by the police. Okay. I like it. And I'm hearing them in my head now too so yeah that's uh i like it sing that one the that one's the stand yeah that don't stand the police are like don't stand so very close to me they've always been a strange band to me because usually the chorus is like this is like oh once it gets the course this is the good part of the song the chorus is like, this is like, oh, once it gets to the chorus, this is the good part of the song. The chorus was always fine for the Pulleys.

The verses were, that was where the magic was for a band. They were a very strange, backwards type of people. Okay. Something you and Brooks can talk about in the future. Yeah, I'm sure. Brooks, are you in agreement over here?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, sir. Yeah. All right. Get it together. Don't stand so close to me. Maybe it's a bad breath problem on date one. Right. It about? Yes, sir. Yeah. All right. So you get it together. Don't stand so close to me. Maybe it's a bad breath problem on day one.

It's a personal bubble space. Yeah. You got those people that, you know. Or as Jason would interpret it, Mike was trying to stand really close. Right. And they're like, don't. She's like, don't stand so close to me while this date is over. All right.

Jason, you get a couple of picks. All right. I'm going to start with a great song. It's not so great for a date. Alright. Jason, you get a couple of picks. Alright. I'm going to start with a great song. It's not so great for a date. Okay. It smells like teen spirit because teenagers be stinky. Okay. And you don't want a stinky date.

That's going to ruin a date right off the bat. Okay. Yeah, we'll interpret it that way. That's the way we're going to interpret it that way that's well that's that's the way we're gonna interpret it is how you're saying it interesting for sure that's uh peculiar and my second one my second one here from the rolling stones i can't get no satisfaction. Okay. Okay. That date went very poorly. Okay. Um,

got it. Yeah. It's onto you. Okay. We're, I'm already back on the clock. Interesting. Thank goodness.

Uh, I am going to go. Man, there's, there's a lot that I like on my list over here. Uh, I will go. Jason is cackling. I saw like on my list over here. I will go... Jason is cackling.

Sorry, I saw one on my list that... You're not going to say no. It's making you funny. It is... People should know this song. I don't know if you guys will know. It is a... Are you familiar with the band Iron Maiden?

I do... Sing it. No, that's the band. Sing the band. Sing the band No, that's the band. Sing the band. Sing the band. But anyways, the title of the track is Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden. I like it.

Run to the Hills. Yes, which is if you're not listening to that right now. Have you been on a blind date or a first date where you had to make it through? No. And it was not going well? I wasn't really in the dating scene. It was like you meet people, you hang out with people, establish a relationship with them, and then maybe you're dating later.

Well, I have been on one of those. I went on a blind date. It was known within a couple of moments. Oh, no. And it was a day planned. Oh. Like a pretty good longer day. And so. Oh man.

In the spirit of that, long ago, this was a blind date that I made it through. I'm going to go with, I will survive. Okay. Okay. As my,

as my second song, because sometimes you just have to make it through a bad date. What are – I mean, we're not the people to give this advice. Sure we are. Okay. I mean, I guess we're pretty good at everything. Thank you. What – socially, should you have a date like that?

Yeah. How long do you need to continue the date before or like is it like can you just have you know two minutes in the go this no this i don't think there's any but if there's not a buzzer on the table you got to go more than a couple minutes i can't do like you can argue that it is a kindness and a blessing to just be like, this isn't going to work. Right. Get up and leave. But I would argue that is not very nice. And that person would be very unhappy and feel bad. And so I could not do that.

I would finish the entirety of, you know, if you're getting coffee, if you're getting dinner, if you're getting whatever the date is. Right. You don't just be like, you want to meet at that bench for a date? You're doing a thing usually on a date. Yeah, we had lunch and then we went walking around a mall. You complete that action and then you leave. I'm saying you're sitting down for dinner and a nice dinner. I assume that's what people on first dates, they go have a nice dinner.

But you know. You do know. You know right away like this is not gonna work if it's mutual and it's obvious it's mutual that might give you a better chance yes but if it's one direction which was what mine was i feel like it was much worse because she was very happy to be on the day one direction means there's only here's here's where it doesn't work it doesn't work where you sit down you start talking you realize it's not going to happen you're like oh i'm going to go to the bathroom and you never come back oh no that does happen that does happen do that now that's wrong here's

where it's okay you get to this date and assuming this is a blind date you're just trying to you know oh i'll be the woman with the red rose on the lapel or whatever and you see you see her and you're like yeah that's that most blind date stuff. When you sit down, make sure you say, the weather is nice in Philadelphia. If you haven't yet met, and from a distance, you know this isn't going to work, then you can...

There is an escape path. That's an escape. You never show up. That's the exact same move as, I got to go to the bathroom. No, because you never showed up. You forgot about it. I was in a fatal car accident. I was was never here i'm so sorry i missed it also that's a little bit merciful no

no that is not merciful at all merciful no no i guess the woman in the red the person is sitting there alone the person who just got ghosted is sitting at that table for 30 plus minutes now that's waiting for you to show up no well no i text i text immediately i said i'm so sorry something came up i'm not going to be able to make it tonight maybe we can reschedule and then i go through what if what if that's you just what if you text her in the middle of the like or while you're sitting there you just just text me like it's not gonna work out and then as they buzz and they look at it, you just go, peace. As soon as she picks up the phone, you just start walking.

All right, so we are halfway through our draft. I have you can't touch this, and I will survive. Mike has don't stand so close to me and run to the hills. And Jason made a couple picks as well. I am going to go with a different direction here. I'm going to go with smooth criminal. Oh, she's stealing your wallet. She's stealing from me.

That's exactly right. Okay. It's a bad date. And if I was describing that to someone, if this woman was, if she stole my wallet, that's the song I would choose. You thought you had a good date, but when you went to pay the taxi cab, you went, wait a minute. When I went to check the time, my watch was gone. Oh, so she's a really smooth criminal. That is smooth.

At that point, I'm back in because I'm like, she's talented. If she can get my watch off without me knowing. She was doing a bunch of magic tricks right in the middle of the day to take the watch. All right, Mike, you are back. Let's see. Don't you get... Oh, wait. You did I Will Survive.

Yeah, I Will Survive. Okay, I lost my track there. All right. This, again, you may not be familiar with the song, but Etta James has a song titled, I'd Rather Go Blind. Oh, man. Brutal.

Okay. All right. Yeah, it's not going well. I would rather go blind than spend more time with you. Wow. That's wonderful. What style of song is that? Etta James' old Stainers.

Oh, yeah. But that's the lyric right there? Stainers is a type of music. Yes style of song is that? That is James' old standards. Oh, yeah. But that's the lyric right there? Standards is a type of music. Yes, it actually is. Which I knew. That's the full lyric, I'd rather go blind than spend more time with you? Oh, no, I don't know the actual lyric. Oh, okay.

I'm just saying that's how I'm... That's the implication. Yes. Okay. All right, Jason, you have two more picks. All right. I can't wait to hear them. Look, sometimes there's a problem on a date sometimes

there's a lot of problems okay but what you don't want like jay-z said is 99 problems because that's too much that is a lot of problems to be having on a date yeah i don't even want to tell i don't even want to tell the story of the day that's like how'd it go. Okay. You better have a lot of time. I had a lot of problems. So that's one. Thank you, Jay-Z. Shout out to my boy. Shout out. And then the last one here, I think, look, you're going on a date.

You don't know how this person is. And I know what you don't want this person to be. And there's a creep by Radiohead. Creep is not the adjective for a good date. I like it. That was on my list. Thank you. You didn't have Smells Like Teen Street?

No. That's a great pick. I did. I didn't. I mean, it's so good. We did not think about it. Oh, in that song, You're the Creep. I guess by the lyrics yeah yeah

nice you're the creep backfire yeah i would say that i would say that when there is a creep like it's usually gonna be the guy i can't you know it's gonna be me yes i'm the creep how'd the date went oh it's. I was such a creep. All right, Mike, you have one pick left. All right. So for my final pick here, perhaps you're out enjoying yourself. People are having some adult beverages. Yeah. Perhaps the other person over imbibes.

Okay. And you say, call me when you're sober by Evanescence. Yeah. Hey, at least you won. I didn't see an Evanescence song coming from Mike on this one. At least you want a call later. I mean, this is the best of the bad dates. Get cleaned up and give me a ring. See, I feel like when you're saying that, though, you're just like.

Yeah, you don't mean it. Yeah, I mean, when I say call me, I mean don't call me, but also you're a lush. When I say call me, I mean you call me, I won't call you. All right, final pick? I'm pretty happy with this final pick. All right. Because it's a situation I really wouldn't want to have happen on a date. And it's a song by Godier.

Godier? Godier? Godier? Yeah. And it's somebody that I used to know. Yes. Because if I show up at that date oh no and it's like somebody that i used to date that would be a problem yeah like oh it's you or

anybody that you used to know yeah i could see that going poorly it could be it could be good it could be a good thing like oh yeah someone, that's someone I used to know. We're reunited. Probably not. Yeah. So that'll do it. Jason has smells like teen spirit. I can't get no satisfaction. 99 problems in creep.

Mike has don't stand so close to me. Run to the hills. I'd rather go blind. My personal favorite. Call me when you're sober. I have you can't touch this. I will survive. Smooth criminal and someone that i used to know i did have some finalists that i that we can share if i want to share a few finalists yeah

it was between i will survive and staying alive okay either one of those had the same meaning also through an i shot the sheriff figured that date went wrong oh that would be um at least the deputy is all right, though. And then, obviously, from the top of the show, I never even drafted it, but Witch Doctor didn't seem like a good date. Okay, that's good. I've got some classics like Heartbreak Hotel and You've Lost That Love and Feeling. I got more modern songs like Cry Me a River and Bye Bye Bye.

Oh, yeah, there you go. It's a good and Bye Bye Bye. Oh, yeah. There you go. It's a good one. Bye bye. Bye bye bye. And some others. Yeah. Mike.

Mike. We have, let's see, End of the Road by Boyz II Men. Oh, that's good. People Are Strange by The Doors. Oh, yeah. Very good one. See, you should have gone with that one because then it's the people who are the problem. You're not the creep.

Yeah. Whoops. And then there were two ice ones. Ice Ice Baby and Cold as Ice by Foreigner. Oh, yeah. You know, you get the cold shoulder. All right. That'll do it.

What did we learn today? Learn that teenagers are smelly. Well, I mean, that's common knowledge. Oh, you just learned that today? Did I just learn today? Learn that teenagers are smelly. I mean, that's common knowledge. Did I just learn that? I learned that Jason believes he is still a 65% free throw shooter. I believe I was 60%. Andy thought I was 65%. We're going to have to get on the court and figure this out.

I learned that air quotes usage without the sarcastic tone in your voice begs a lot of questions. It's back, baby. Thank you for joining us. I bet we come out with another episode of this show next week even. Hope you join us. Tell your friends, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.