Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 235: SNUBA Diving & The Best Hand Gestures - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Happy Easter Spitwads! On today’s show we discuss running the world with Superman by our side, being on our own Mt. Rushmore, and cheap haircuts for people like Jason. We then draft the best hand gestures to close things down. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rink-a-dink-dink-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink Oh, some Satchmo. Is that Satchmo? What was that, Frog? There's some Frog in there. Do you remember the Frog ringtone?

No, no. You guys don't remember this? No, that was a Rinkity. There was a Rinkity in there. Oh, it was all Louis Armstrong right there. Deuces, no you guys don't remember this i was a rinkety that was a rinkety and oh it was all louis armstrong right there deuces you guys remember the frog it sounds like what did the fox say is it sounds like what you're doing oh yeah the fox did say ding ding ding ding what did the frog say ring he rolls his arms oh yeah all frogs do uh welcome into the spitballers podcast andy mike and jason back you. Would you rather the situation room? And we are drafting the best hand gestures.

I mean, it's one of the more popular topics on Earth. It's go time. It was brought up as an idea by Al, and instantly we had lists. I mean, there are a lot of hand gestures. A lot of great ones. I did not. You know, sometimes you need to do research dive deep look at other people's opinions go to go to reddit yeah open up the crack open the books

from the encyclopedia britannica this one was straight off the noggin and i had 15 solid hand mine was i looked at my hands oh you had to had to look. Yeah. I would start moving them around. I saw what they could do. Yeah. Okay. Which, ironically, just before the show, we were marveling at the fact Mike can snap his fingers with his pointer finger very loudly, which is not normal. That's like a kind of a circus thing. I can't even get my pointer finger to make sound. You're doing like a whisper snap.

These fine microphones picking it up. At SpitballersPod over on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. Let's jump in. Would you rather? Ace from Patreon writes in, which minor skill would you rather? Ace from Patreon writes in, which minor skill would you rather acquire? Oh, so there's multiple options.

Option one, always take the perfect picture. That's a skill. That would be nice. Number two, always have a high score in video games. It's a show-off skill. There's a time in my life where that would have been the top. Number three, become extremely flexible. Oh. show off skill there's a time time in my life where that would have been the top uh number three become extremely flexible oh no is this this is like physically yeah right right not your will

will not bend but your body will just saying you're like hey you want to do this yeah i'm very flexible i'm open to doing that right honestly that would be nice to have as well. And the fourth one, the ability to hold your breath for 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 10 minutes is a long time. Which is not the record. That's not a minor skill. That's fair, Mike. That's a pretty major skill.

Like two minutes would be a minor skill. What would you do with that skill other than- I would go underwater. Okay. And stay down there for nine minutes while everyone above me is like he's drowning and then i would resurface and say no so i have a minor skill do you do you know the world record for holding your breath underwater i'm guessing it's probably you're saying unaided yeah just i'm gonna guess 18 minutes. How would you aid someone

holding their breath underwater? I mean, there are some ways. I didn't come up for a breath for hours. I wasn't sure if there was something I was missing. I don't know, like giving them a rock to hold them down? Is that aided? No, I don't think so.

The goal here is holding your breath. Anyways, sorry. What's the record? 24 and a half I don't think so the goal here is holding your breath anyways sorry to 24 and a half minutes I don't know if I can make it to 24 and a half seconds is there a separate world record for the longest you can hold your breath right before you die

24 minutes and 37 seconds I can't keep track of that one you have to slow your heart down to like two beats per minute. How is that person not a fish? Because if you pass 20 minutes, you do become a fish. Well, I mean, they're not the incredible Mr. Limpet down there. They're holding their breath.

They're not breathing the water. So the high score in video games and the holding breath, it sounds like the main use of those is to show off. Whereas the flexibility and the perfect picture have more practical uses. Because you just, I brought it up. I said, why would you use it? You said, so that people can think I'm drowning and I can pop up and say, surprise. But also, I mean, like we don't live by the ocean.

If I live by the ocean, I'd be down there with the fishes. I'd die by the ocean. I'd be checking all that stuff out underwater. Like that would be really cool it's snorkeling except you're not on the top of the water yeah the issue is like i could snorkel already there's like a nice snorkel mask at the top why haven't they i know that they've improved snorkeling technology tremendously i'm we're getting ready to take a trip j Jason shared with me the face mask. Full face, yeah. But to me, I don't understand.

Why haven't they extended the snorkel length? Yeah. Why haven't they made the length six feet? I think it's hard to breathe through it. Oh, if it reaches a certain length? Yeah, I think there's a pressure situation going on. Interesting. I did just see, however.

We can overcome that. But, no, i just got hit number i got two things number one uh a kickstarter for that where it's like it's a motorized thing that that floats on top of the water and so you you have the long hose and you can go underwater so it's like scuba diving except you don't have it on your back and it just sits on top of the water it's called snuba diving snuba yeah it's a thing it's been around a long time so what so scuba is like self-contained underwater breathing apparatus what is the end i think it's like snorkel scuba hybrid is there did they know

that it's an acronym do uh but number two they make like portable scuba tanks where it's just essentially a little canister and in thepiece, and you carry it around. I actually have seen those. And it's got like 10 minutes worth of air. Yeah, 10 to 20 minutes of air. That sounds awesome. You can fill them yourself. Yeah, with a pump.

With a pump. I'll take the submarine. What? That wasn't an option. I'm going further, deeper, longer than you guys. Would you do the old school, the metal helmet? Oh. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Actually. Looking like you're in Bioshock. You can do those things where you walk on the floor of the ocean because you're wearing basically that headpiece that rests on your shoulders. That seems pretty cool. Other than, I feel like if you lean a little bit too far, all the water will get in. Like, oh, shoot.

You have to scream at people as they're going in. Oh, one more thing. Don't lean. Don't lean over. You'll die. I was wrong. It is an acronym for Surface Nexus Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Okay.

Okay. Okay. That's much better. They forced that Nexus in there. They're just like, how do we call it? Snooba. I did have a question. Yes. Back to the original question.

Always take the perfect picture. This makes a big difference to me. Is this I am photogenic? Yes. Or is this I am a photographer? I think we took it the way that it was intended, which was. Yeah, we're very shallow, selfish people. We are the subject of the photo.

Yeah, I mean, this meant you have the ability to take the perfect photo. You're in the photo. I took it the opposite. You're not in the photo. You're the photographer. You can always take the photo. You're the photographer. Oh, what? I knew you guys were seeing this different. That's why this needed to come to light.

Because one way is I'm a great photographer. And the other is I am a model. Yeah, this says you always take the perfect picture. Right. But now you are putting Ace on blast. But now you are putting Ace on blast because Ace is saying being a pristine professional photographer is in fact a minor skill. Compared to being a model, yeah. Taking the perfect picture is a minor skill because it's about composition. It's not necessarily about the equipment.

Like you just got to, you know, you people that have an eye for a to take a photo two people take the same picture one looks good one looks like garbage same camera yes and i agree but i'm saying to call that a minor skill is i mean you're insulting it's so much profession that's easy oh that's easy it's a minor it's a minor skill um i i'm gonna throw that one out if i'm the photographer i don't care okay well what if it's you in the picture? Oh, then that's my pick, man. Is it? Well, I mean, that means I'm always looking good. In photos. Right, but that's how I will be captured. Oh, really? Is that specific? Picture. It didn't say moving picture. It's a photo. I can't imagine that I would look great in photos and terrible in videos. Oh yeah.

You could do that. I could do that. Thank you. Uh, but also, so the holding the breath, that one sounds pretty good, but if I could actually touch my toes,

I feel like that would be, and like you're, would you be showing off to yourself at that point? No, you're, you are, your body is less prone to injury if you are actually flexible. And stretching is the worst.

Stretching is the worst exercise movement. I would much rather lift heavy weights all day, every day, and then like, okay, it's time to stretch out. I'm like, no. Stretching feels good. No. If you're lifting weights. No, every day, and then like, okay, it's time to stretch out. I'm like, no. Stretching feels good. No. If you're lifting weights, you're accomplishing something. You don't like a good butterfly stretch?

That doesn't feel great? A butterfly stretch, but like the real big one. I'm not talking about psycho stuff like yoga. I'm not saying yoga. I'm just saying a good old-fashioned hamstring stretch. Yeah, you enjoy stretching your hamstrings, Andy? I know we both got really tight hamstrings. It hurts.

No, that's not good. It hurts, and then your legs start going numb, and the tingly start firing through your legs. You're like, I'm not doing this anymore. That sucks. It's the worst. So I think both Mike and I are on the flexibility. I think I'm taking that one.

But I believe this is just because we are old now. No. Could you imagine being 20? I was never flexible. I was never flexible i was never flexible never ever ever but at 20 years old i would not pick flexibility from this list i'll be like that's okay i'll take the video games because i feel like i'm falling behind and i don't have any pride in my video game playing ability anymore and and so to kind of have that again that's what i'm gonna

go the kids beating you oh yeah oh yeah i mean they're just quicker my smarter uh been playing a lot of nba 2k with with the boy and that has not been a problem he is improving rapidly and he has now beat me three times in a row and you're going all full oh yeah oh yeah my rule has always been if you beat me, you have actually beat me. I don't let up and let that happen. But my son is an elite trash talker and just nonstop. I wonder where he got that. Not from me, honestly, because that I don't do.

When I'm competing against my kids. I don't trash talk. If I trash talk to him the way he does to me, he would leave the game in just a puddle of tears because he would not be able to handle it. He is the worst. So when you're losing to the kids, are they talking garbage to you? I mean, yeah, there's some garbage being talked by the middle one for sure. You know, kids, they're quick to remember what it feels like to win.

Yes. And forget what it feels like to lose. So it's like in the moment, they're the best. Yeah, my youngest is now super into basketball. So we've been playing one-on-one a lot. And I tell him, he's 10 years old. So I tell him every day, you will never beat me. You will never beat me as long as you are alive in a game of one-on-one basketball. That's what

I tell him. And I want to make sure he knows that truth because it is. And so what happens is we'll play a game to 10 or whatever, and I'll be playing casual. And if he gets to eight, oh man, if he gets to eight oh man if he gets to eight oh it is I am on him like Michael Jordan I will never let him get that tenth point he knows it and so every now and then he shoots like some really far away shot I'm terrified I am petrified that it's gonna go in because I tell him all that you will never as long as you're alive I'll be 80 years old you will never beat me but you believe that in your heart no I don't believe that at all he will he will overtake me at some point the point is that first game when he finally beats me is going to be a special moment in his life because he knows when it's game point daddy's going full out now do you when you think of that moment are you overcome with pride for your child

surpassing the master or are you on the side of I just step step walk off I just lost to my kid and I need it's time to hang him up if it doesn't happen before you hit a certain age it will not be satisfaction for him it will be sad for him

because it will mean daddy is daddy's not got many years left it will be like a him because it will mean daddy is daddy's not got many years left i it will be like a pity thing like if you you get to a certain point where if you beat your dad at something athletic it's not a victory it's just what should happen right um i would definitely be on the pride side like i look forward to him beating me i just hope it's four years from now at least there's no way that you will not be telling him he got lucky. All right, Hannah from the website. Would you rather have a sultry, attractive voice with well below average looks

or be extremely attractive looking but have an extremely obnoxious voice? Wow. Guys, I have to tell you about something. Oh, bro. Feel yourself. And I, look, I had to tell you about something. Oh, bro. Feel yourself. Look, I had somebody come over to the house to work on my car. Okay. It was some body work.

I had some scratches. There's all these mobile services now. They come to your house. They fix your car. This was one of the nicest gentlemen I've ever met. But his voice was so high. Oh, the,

and it didn't match. You know, it's like, I, not that I could picture a person that necessarily has a high voice as a, as a male, but I'm telling you guys, I was looking for cameras. I did.

I mean, it was like, and every, and we talked for so long about life and stuff. And anyways, it's like, I was up there and it was like something so bewildering that I think it was at a level where it might've been a detriment to previous parts of life. So I'm just saying like the, you know your voice come in we always say like an accent right there's a trustworthy accent voices jason said you know he wishes he had the voice of these famous

actors even more than the looks almost yeah um so obnoxious voice that crosses a line you don't just have a subpar voice you are actively a problem so what happens though for the people unfortunately that they have the bad looks they have the obnoxious voice you know like owl borland right yeah well let's go to him what's the what was the owl voice? Hey, guys. It's me, owl. I do so many push-ups. You're not going to beat me this week. I tell the best lies. That's a good point, Mike. I think what happens there is we give empathy and employment out of-

Employment-thee. Employment-thee. Yeah, no, because we are so altruist altruistic owl truest oh it was right that's it we did it um i'm gonna take the good looks really i don't i don't need to talk you can be the strong silent type i will walk straight through some place and at least if probably cooper remember you're looking all handsome and he comes in and he talks like this that's fine no it's you're below average but i'm not extremely ugly yes you are no no no well below average looks well below well below average looks or extremely obnoxious

so i okay i'm not i'm not handsome i would say someone with well below average looks is ugly. When you have the voice of an angel, you carry resonance. You carry weight. I will take. What is James Earl Jones's looks? What would you call that? He's got good. He's probably good.

Medium looks. I would say medium looks. Medium looks. He seems like an average regular. What about Beef? Oh, he's well below average. So you're talking about Sam Elliott is below average looks? Sam Elliott is well below average. I don't think he's below average.

He's medium. That's because of the voice. Now Gene Hackman. And the mustache. Gene Hackman after a certain point probably below average. I'm thinking of voices right now. Do we know what Hackman looked like when he was actually young? Probably better looking. I mean, he could have been devastatingly handsome, and we just have no idea.

I think he was. But Sam Elliott's the perfect example because he's actually— Yeah, Gene Hackman was fine looking. He was pretty good looking, actually. Sam Elliott's well below average looking, but you can't even— Have you seen young Sam Elliott? Yeah. He was a strapping below average looking. Have you seen young Sam Elliott? Yeah. He was a strapping, handsome dude.

See you there. We can't be judging Grandpa. Young Sam Elliott. Is he a looker? He's a stone's throw from a Brady. Oh, so he's a handsome gentleman. Yeah. Oh, he's very good looking.

Oh, wow. He's a pretty good looking young man. We're just talking about old people yes so we what we have learned is old people are ugly yes um man we got to it it's the wrinkles so no matter how handsome we are we're gonna get ugly yes oh crap yeah there are no wait hold on let's stay here are there any good-looking 80 year olds i mean clooney's probably gonna be yeah wait i thought you were saying he was no no no he will be 80 and then he'll be good looking um wait what is the yeah what is the age where it crosses over sean connery was pretty good looking at an old age. No, he was pretty good looking until he had a certain age.

I don't think there was any good looking 80-year-olds anywhere. Impossible to be good looking at 80. Oh, man. So I've got half a life's worth of good looks left? I think it can happen before 80. 80's the guarantee. Oh, man. You can slip right into ugly any time before.

Any moment now. Any moment from 40 to 80. You can slip right in. You just wake up. Am I ugly? Yes. Look away. Yeah, there are no good-looking 80-year-olds.

Is Richard Gere going to be? He's got to be getting up there. No, they all look awful. Richard Gere is 73. I'm looking got to be getting up there. No, they all look awful. Richard Gere is 73. I'm looking at them. That's your closest one. I'm looking at just the list of the most beautiful 80-year-olds. Okay, what do we got there?

Oh, they're just disgusting. I mean, just. Oh, no. It's all right. None of them know what a podcast is. Our demo is safe. We're okay. The 80-year-old's listening to this show.

I'm turning it off. Robert Redford's 86. Right now he is? Yeah. How's he looking? I mean, he's- He's looking all right? He's pretty cool.

I'll bet eight years ago he was looking all right. Oh, goodness. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone to the wood chipper. He's gone. He's gone. He was gone. Oh, man.

I don't want to get old. I'll bet 75 he was good looking. It's like the surface of Mars. Oh, mercy. All right. This is terrible news. Yeah, we're on the way. We're on the way. I'm all cute. We're on the way.

I'm switching. I need to be good looking right now. I know it's temporary. There you go. Okay. Give me devastatingly handsome good looks for at least like two decades. This is terrible news. I mean, apologies to all the people not listening.

Let's go here. Jermichael from Patreon, would you rather run out of chips or run out of dip first? I am probably one of the people that have, I mean, it's a dumb question, but yeah, it's a super dumb question. It's a super dumb. What are you going to do with dip without chips?

If the chips are gone, what are you, just get two fingers? Yeah, you're just scooping it up. Now, would that work with rock a little bit? No, no, it would work with rock a little bit? No. No, it would work with nothing. Yeah. If you don't have something to put in the dip, then you've run out of both.

I agree. That one's an easy one. I can eat the chips when the dip is gone. Maybe I don't like it. Maybe I'm not even going to do it. Worst case scenario, throw the chips away. It's the same scenario as if I have dip leftover and no chips because i'm finished there is no world right case closed here michael this this is we got it it's an easy one uh box

top dan says would you rather be able to time travel an unlimited amount of times but never more than five minutes backwards or forwards or be able to sleep with a book under your pillow and wake up as if you had read the book with total comprehension that is such a cool way to do the instant reading like the idea that what if every night we went to bed and you're just picking a book off the shelf and slipping it under your pillow and then you wake up with the knowledge we would be we'd be crazy smart the other one though you're you're filthy rich i mean i was gonna say live sports betting other than the sports betting side which i knew i would not get out ahead of yeah but other than let's take that out take no financial no financial gain i i i'm gonna go so far as to say with financial gain i would take the book oh long-term financial gain 365 books would take the book. Oh, long-term financial gain.

365 books a year you read. Because it's one a night. So long as you make it to the library. But yeah, I'd forget a few. I guess, does it have to be a physical book? Yes. No, no, no. It can't be like a Kindle.

No Kindle. No way. No way. You've got to purchase or at least have in your possession. And be uncomfortable with the proportion of the book underneath. That's fair. Oh, man. You want war and peace? Go ahead have in your possession. And be uncomfortable with the proportion of the book underneath. That's fair. Oh, man. You want war and peace?

Go ahead. Oh, man. You get it. You're waking up with a neck ache. I'm going to read a lot of Berenstain Bears so I can sleep well. I can only do the first two Harry Potters. It just got a little too big for me. Lord of the Rings, it's an uncomfortable night, but you know the whole book.

I mean, that would be genuinely incredible. I wish, you know, to have that kind amazing genuinely incredible i wish that you know to have that kind of knowledge not you know you can go back and forth you can go from an awesome fiction where you're just basically having the most epic dream of all time all the way to a self-help book where it's like man i'm not i'm not such a procrastinator anymore. Self-elf. Self-elf. Self-elf. I think self-elf. Self-elf. You can only read elf books, but you can read them every night.

When I wake up, I know where that elf is on the shelf because I read the book. I want the book one. I want the book one. I do, too. I think that's really cool. Can we invent this? All right. No.

Okay. We can't. Can we take that neuro uh what's he what's elon doing these neural link can we neural link some books up in there i have thought get rid of the pigs so you know how like we always have these wild and crazy ideas from the time we're kids and i bring up like you know like for instance uh talking to chat you know gpt and one of my first questions was you know will teleportation be able to exist in the future which you know tbd i wanted what did chat gpt say set is not outside the realm of possibility in the future with a couple of more technological breakthroughs but probably not anyways but that's a problem since i was a little kid, I always thought that the biggest invention, the biggest way

to move forward is to do something to us while we sleep. Now, it started really stupid, which was stretching because I was always inflexible. I'll take it. I'll take that right now. Let me go to bed in a machine and you just stretch me. Because it's wasted time. It's such wasted time. Eight hours. and people get

to bed earlier they probably get better sleep if they knew it was doing something for them right we've got to find a way as a people as scientists as the smarter community to capitalize on our sleepy time what if it was you can sleep if you sleep over

10 hours you get two books I'm happy with one book okay you would go to bed earlier what about If you sleep over 10 hours, you get two books. I'm happy with one book. Okay, you wouldn't go to bed earlier. What about, like, what's a nap worth? A couple chapters? An app?

A napter. Oh, a nap. Oh, man. A napter. But if we could capitalize, if we could invent something while we sleep to... That would be so valuable. Even the abs thing. Just give me abs while I sleep. Exactly.

But let me sleep through it. Let me do my workouts. Do education. Teach me something. Just take advantage of all this time that I'm not conscious. Huh. Come on, scientists.

So if you saw a really fit person, would you be like, man, they sleep a lot. Yeah. Is that what it... Oh, man, they sleep a lot? Is that what it is? Oh, they committed to sleep. All right, let's move on. The Situation Realm. All right, Luke, from the website, you are now the leader of the free world.

Yes. And Superman appears at the White House to hang out with you and says he is at your disposal for the next 24 hours. What tasks do you get him to do, knowing that everything that is done counts towards your legacy as a president. So you're building a legacy with Superman for 24 hours. He'll do anything, right? I know my first one.

I know my first one, and I can't. I don't know a second one, but let's hear your first one, Mike. My first one, I'm getting in a space suit, and he's bringing me to the moon. See, my first thought was to go to other planets. And I will be the first president to give an address from the moon. Oh, so you're going to tie it into the presidency. Yeah.

So that way your legacy is. What's escaping me now? I'll do the State of the Union. From the moon. From the moon. No, that'd be sweet. It would be sweet. You're never taking that away from me.

But I also feel like Andy was right. He said other planets. Sure. People have been on the moon no that'd be sweet it would be you're never taking that away but i also feel like the you know andy was right he said other planets you're sure people been on the moon before be the first man on mars okay that's fine that's better same idea same concept for me it was like i don't know what kind of an artist how fast can superman fly uh i'm on it as fast as he wants no i mean like because there's actual there's limitations right because you seem to get where he needed to go pretty quick but i'm even if it was the moon but the but the moon comparatively to mars is very close i mean if you want me to look it up how back in the 30s he was about 100 miles an hour but then various sources say his speed of sound, 770. He can move faster than 186,000 miles per second.

Okay. He was able to turn time back going around. But what's the actual canon? How fast can he really go? 770 is the speed of sound, which would take too much time to get to Mars. Yeah. No, he can go way faster than that. Can he?

Yeah. I don't know what to look up for him, but my Superman can can do anything but i mean let's let's think about other legacies is there a way that superman if he were real could solve world hunger in 24 hours like if you gave superman at that speed because he can't replicate things right correct no my superman can you can right um how many buildings can you see through in 24 hours you're talking about if there is you know a world criminal that you need to be found that would be a big one right you know take him to justice because it's kind of superman's thing um is the justice thing but i'm oh vlad yeah i don't know i don't know what kind of artist superman is i would imagine incredible and i'm gonna have him laser eyes me into a mountain

into rushmore no no i'm making a new one a new rushmore absolutely full body i'm having okay okay i like where this is going yeah abraham l Lincoln, he's on it. I'm on it. Oh, it's not just you? No, no, no, because I want to be part. He wants to be associated with. It's like Lincoln, Michael Jordan. Yeah, yes. That's what I'm talking about.

And Jim Carrey and Jason. Yeah, I might throw Einstein in there as well. Oh, just throw. These are the people that you view yourself through that lens. I'm just saying. You've always been an Einstein-Lincoln-Jordan combo. That's what I've always thought of myself as. It's this new monument.

Yeah. Things that you could totally build. He's going to laser me into a new mountain. Maybe just the opposite side of Rushmore. And then which side are you going to? Can you write? The one made by Superman? Yeah.

Can you write an executive order to just build your own Rushmore of yourself? Like, no president's done that. That's always been in commemoration. But, like, if you became president, could you, like, I'm on the $200 bill. I'm on my own new Mount Rushmore. We are making a new Statue of Liberty. Mr. President, it seems that the military budget has been cut by 50%. Right.

Like, yeah. I want to be remembered. But check out that statue. Don't worry about that. In other unrelated news, we're building a new mountain statue. I wonder. I just don't see a lot of practical use for Superman outside the moon. So, yeah, we're all going to the moon.

Because it's the time limits that problem. I think what you have to do is you have to have him show an act of power so that people know this is Superman. He is legit. And you've got to get a recording of him saying to the other, you know, world leaders. Could he de-pants them all? Well, he certainly could. He could. He could do just about anything.

Like Superman's, like, doing your voicemail? I would make a threat video they don't know oh that you only have superman's not doing that no he would just make a supportive video saying i support and then you just cut it up jason martin you make superman it's superman prepare to die if all he said was that i support president jason moore and it you know i i will defend him as seen by this statue i built of him yes exactly i'll defend him and you make that recording which is true in that moment and then you just proliferate that out they don't know this super smart superman yeah mine is um i don't i don't know that Superman's gone. Is he super smart? Superman? Yeah. Mine is. I don't know. That's a good question.

I would say maybe above. Could he go back in time for you? Superman is not known for being, like there's a lot of superheroes that have these. He's not Batman. He's not the world's greatest detective. Yeah, because he's so dumb that he just puts glasses on and no one knows who he is. Yeah. I mean, when you're that strong, you don't need to be a great detective. Yeah. Yeah, because he's so dumb that he just puts glasses on and no one knows who he is. Yeah. I mean, when you're that strong, you don't need to be a smart guy. Have you heard his voice, though?

It's me, Superman. All right. This is one flaw. That's a good SNL sketch. Oh, yeah. It's like Superman comes in, but he's got- Or Batman, because the voice is always so nice. And they just have this terrible, terrible voice. Hey, it's me, yeah. It's like Superman comes in, but he's got... Or Batman, because the voice is always so nice. And they just have this terrible, terrible voice.

Hey, it's me, Batman. Mr. Clean from Patreon, another situation for us. You are now able to snap your fingers and instantaneously have completed one of the following personal hygiene tasks whenever you want. The tasks would be performed the best way possible that you or someone else could have done for you. Which are you choosing? So you snap your fingers and you have brushed your teeth. You snap your fingers and you have pooped and peed. Okay. You snap your fingers and you have cut your nails. You snap your fingers and you have showered. You snap your fingers and you have shaved and groomed. You snap your fingers, you have showered you snap your fingers and you have shaved and groomed you snap your fingers you have a fresh haircut or you snap your fingers and you have applied moisturizer

one of these things is not nearly someone having a problem back there mr clean does not like putting lotion on you have you ever tried to do i mean like i've used lotion sparingly right when you feel like you need it but But it's always localized. Are you guys full-body lotion put-onners? I am face lotion for sure. Really? Are you a face lotion too, Jason? I wish I was more of a face lotion, but yes, when I lotion, it's my face. And then I do arms and shins.

Shins? Yes. Yeah, knee down. He's got the itchiest shins on earth no do you suffer from dry shin it's just it's more of the what areas are visible interesting i'll do my hands if my hands are dry oh dude i like uh hand lotion is oh it feels so bad this would have been al's perfect chance to say i had no idea you use lotion. So these are all cool. But the problem I have with some of these.

I can narrow this down to two. Yeah, there's there's two. And I narrowed my two down to one. So I know where I'm going. The poop and pee. No, the poop and pee is me. Shower. I need that time.

I love showering. So, no, I don't want to cut that out. Those are my two. Those are the two finalists. Oh, those no i don't want to cut that out those are my two those are the two finalists for me too those i don't want those out of my life okay so which one are you going with brushing brushing my teeth because here's why not because it takes a long time yeah but if i can do that instantly at any point i just ate boom i just brush my teeth i'm worried oh is my breath stink boom i just brush you wake up after a long night's sleep i wake up after a nap boom i just brush my teeth you go you you're building your sub and like sir would you like onions extra yeah put them in there because but blame ain't worried about

what's that beef jerky that's gonna get all in my teeth don't care boom brush my teeth popcorn not a problem yeah anything i think it would be i have, you should brush more by the time. I mean, I, by the time I am 80, my chompers will be healthy, will be good. Like everything else. Like it would be great to have a perfect haircut, but my hair, real good teeth. Yeah, that's true. At 80, I will be the ugly guy. Um, yeah, I mean everything else there's, there's some upside and some downside. I don't see a downside to brushing my teeth instantly whenever I want,

snap my fingers, fresh breath. Yeah, that'd be pretty nice. I mean, it is a routine you have to do every day, and it takes time. You know, the haircut one is nice, but it's not used as often, although I guess you'd use it every day. Yes, you would. You'd have a perfectly, and you never have to go get a haircut, and you never have to pay for it.

If I was Mike, that would have been what I picked. But a haircut can only do so much for my thinning hairline. So when I get a nice- Do you get haircuts still? Yes. I'll get a nice fade, and it looks- All six of them get cut. It looks a little-

Oh, there it is. But here's the thing. I mean, do they go, aw, oh, when they do the... When you walk in. So cute. With getting a haircut, though, that comes with a style. So your hair will be cut optimal length and styled just like you left the barber. The absolute best that you can do.

Andy has lost it over a bunch. The absolute best. I'm just imagining a new chain of barbers that only cater to men on the end at the end and it's just like the tagline's like at least if you're still here it's like are you thinning get in and it's the quickest haircuts of all time they can take an appointment every five minutes let's just sit down just great You look so much better. It's only $5. $5 a haircut. Because it's, you know, they're probably on social security.

Nobody smiles in there. No, no. This is a somber. Tips are not allowed. The whole building is just grayscale. No color in that room at all. Just sadness. All the music they play somber funeral music

a perfect styled haircut for me that looks like a three out of ten so yeah so you're you're i get that you you enjoy the time of when you have to do bodily waste elimination. But if you could just snap and it's done, like no emergencies ever. The older I get. You can change how you eat. I mean, all the stuff where you're like, my tum-tum doesn't allow me to eat that stuff anymore. If I don't have to worry about my proximity to a bathroom, then I just eat what I want. When you get older and things start to...

Fall out? Well, I just meant you start to get more swollen. More trips to the bathroom? More trips to the bathroom are gone. You're sleeping through the night? There's a lot of advantages here. I totally get that, but... And showering, you always smell good?

I would have to lie about... I would have to hide that i can do this because i need my escape time you know what i mean that time where it's like daddy's pooping you've been pooping for 10 minutes it's like you on a road trip with like the world's largest soda just taking care of it and that's that's how you get exposed like how does dad never go to the bathroom now if you love your showering and you love your pooping how long are your freaking mornings when your family doesn't see you oh there i'm i'm up at 3 a.m and uh ready to leave the house by eight okay all right and that's usually just all two two jobs you need to kill two birds you need a poop shower i need a poop toilet you need a poop you need a shower in dude i would

toilet in the shower has anyone ever done a wet room with a toilet i actually like that it sounds disgusting i mean i think technically it would work there's no reason why it wouldn't of course it would work but then you would because your toilet's always clean i mean you're flushing everything away yeah you might oh it's not like i'm pooping down the drain I'm pooping into a toilet It's on the back of the shower You might like slip and slide off Would it cause you to not be able to go to the bathroom As easily if you're being pelted by By the shower

Or is it relaxing Number one make it easier Oh right cause that water So I'm just thinking like you could You could do this Yeah of course we could do this would it be easier to add a toilet to your shower or a shower to your toilet room um i mean yeah i think i want the toilet in the shower yeah that's got to be the way

need that drain this is the way but then. But then if someone's in the bathroom, the shower doesn't have a door for privacy. Come on in. No. And we're done. All right. I need the two in privacy. What were your picks? I think I'm going to take the poo and the pee.

Yeah, I lean that way too. The shower would be very convenient. It would be great. Just after working out, just snap. Or just the bad day. It's the afternoon. You're like, I'd like to be clean right now. Yeah.

It always feels nice. Here's the question, though. Let's say we all have the showering ability. Okay. How often do you actually snap your fingers? Well, let me ask you this. Because you do have to do your hair afterwards. Oh, that was the question. Oh, your hair's just ask you this. Because you do have to do your hair afterwards. Oh, that was the question.

Oh, your hair's just instantly wet? Yes, you do have to do your hair. It's just you're fresh out of the shower. Oh, then I don't use it almost ever. If you can't be dry, then... Okay, you have to do your hair, but you're dry. Okay. But how often would you actually try to use it?

Three times? I was going to use it about 50 times a day. Right. But now, the second i snap my fingers my hair's undone yeah and so i won't i mean that's the least that you should have to do so then no i'll probably use it twice a day mickey from the website you're now the only person on earth with 30 hours in a day nice during your extra six hours all other people are frozen in time but the rest of the world moves normally.

What time would you select to pause the world and inject your extra six hours of you time? What part of the current 24 hour cycle would you choose to insert that time? You've got a 24 hour day. I'm going to inject six

hours of silence or of just I'm there. I have one strategy. One strategy could be inserting it at about midnight. For sleep. And then I almost don't have to sleep during any time when everyone else is not frozen. Right. Because I could like, if I,

if six hours was good enough, I could sleep during the six hours of me time. And I pretty much can stay up the rest of the time, which means I still get quiet. If it is six hours where I am alone every single day, I need light. I need it to be bright. I need to be able to go places and enter.

But what would you do? Well, I mean. What are you doing? Like playing a golf? Playing 18 by yourself? Sure. I mean, that's something I could do. I feel like if you do it at midnight, you're cutting out any of those type of opportunities.

You're not going to go to the ocean or, you know. Okay. I get it. You want to use those hours. You're saying you want to use those hours you're saying you want to use your solitude i do i want to use that time for something practical um and if it's every day it's going to be different you know maybe i could pick six hours a day where you weren't there well you could what time would you at this point you tell me i won't be there uh so mike are you which which direction do you lean?

I've been going through it. Because I get that. Do you put it in the morning because you feel like you're most productive? Do you want a break in the middle of the day to take an afternoon nap or just move away? Or, like you were saying, enhance the sleep at night. It actually doesn't matter when you put the sleep. I don't know why I said it had to be midnight. It doesn't matter.

Right? Right. You can put the six hours anywhere and then you get your sleep in. I think I'm going to put it in the middle of the day. Just get a little break. Yeah, I'm going to go. Noon? Three o'clock.

Oh, three o'clock. Yeah. So after lunch. Now, are you eating? Yeah, I'm going to eat. Why wouldn't I eat at lunch? It's six hours, man. No, no, I mean, are you eating during this?

Oh, of course I'm eating. Just thinking about you coming back out of it, are you running too close into dinner? That's all I was worrying about. Yeah. Oh, man, that's really thoughtful. You may gain too much weight if you put it at the wrong time. I'll gain too much weight no matter where I put it. That I can be sure of.

Okay. Mike, your final answer? I'm going to put it in the morning. All right. The Spitballers Draft. I don't know where this draft is going to go. I really don't. We're drafting the best

hand gestures there are a lot of different gestures uh there are a lot of kind of nerdy gestures i think sure that don't get used a lot and i'm not sure whether you pick it based on like i have the first pick i have no idea what the number one is and i don't know if it's it's a better hand gesture if it's used more often in And I don't know if it's a better hand gesture if it's used more often in society. I don't know if it's a better hand gesture just because I like it. That's what I... Even if it's underused. Yeah, it's a personal choice, man.

It's your own ranking system. I'm just telling you how I'm thinking about it. Okay. But I'm going to go with kind of a layup here at the 101. Because you have a bunch of picks before I pick again. of a layup here at the 101 because you have a bunch of picks before I pick again. And I feel like I need kind of like, I don't know, the veteran on the team. Okay.

So I'm going to go with thumbs up. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with the thumbs up. It's a good pick. It's a great communication. I mean, you can communicate long distances with a thumbs up. It's very visible.

Now, does it come with the thumbs down? Nope. That's a separate pick. It doesn doesn't but i had a pick that would have and it come to me my 101 was the gladiator thumb no and you know what that means no that's a hand gesture that is absolutely a hesitation before a gesture yeah the gladiator i do this all the time to my kids. They ask me a question, and I go, up or down. That's two gestures. Oh, man. I disagree. One's a thumbs up, one's a thumbs down.

You've been outruled. But clearly, you're revealing it because you know that thumbs up is part of it, and you can't take it. So thumbs up is my pick. Okay. Mike, you're on the clock. Everybody, have you heard the word? Oh, no. You're heard the word? Oh no.

Because come on. You're taking the bird? Dang it. Dang it. My 101, look, ladies and gentlemen, it's the forbidden action in the right household, but sometimes you got to get your point. But not for the wrong household. Sometimes you have to get your point across that you are voicing your displeasure with someone and it is in fact the

bird oh i mean tweet tweet it is uh it's often called the opposite of the thumbs up um the bird the bird makes sense uh as a pick here yeah yeah no i i had it written as the middle finger i mean i certainly would those those are the two poor birds out there getting lumped in. Why is it called the bird? I don't know. It's the. I don't know. Like flipping the bird. Intense flight off your hand? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. You're a bird. Look that up. I'm looking into it. All right. Jason with two picks here. The bird is not there.

I'm really upset because the thumbs and the bird, the finger and the thumbs, those were magical picks. I mean, good job, guys. I feel. You could go with the tea drinking pinky. Yeah, it's. Sophistication. Very sophisticated. Not on my list.

Man, there's a real tear break here. Everything else kind of sucks. But didn't you say you had 15? Oh, man, there's a real tear break here. Everything else kind of sucks. Didn't you say you had 15? Oh, I've got 15, but it's like there's two great ones, which was the gladiator thumb, which was one gesture. It is not. Where would you have ruled on that one?

I'm sorry. I was reading about the bird. On the gladiator thumb, Jason thinking gladiator thumb means he gets wavering and then off and down. That's two gestures. Well, then I want to take it at my turn here. I'm going to be surprised he doesn't take the sign language alphabet in its totality based on that. All right. I'm going to take one that I could use right now because I'm mad at all of you. And I'm taking the shh.

Oh. Hush your mouth, son. That's a good pick. It's not even on my list. It's a good pick, and you didn't duplicate any of our fingers. That's true. You're the first one to the index finger. The index finger is there.

Nice pick. Not on my list. Yeah, not on my list. Thank you. Thank you. And then I'm going to stick with the fingers to the mouth. Okay. And I'm going with a chef's kiss.

Okay. Oh, that was not a manless either yes i do have that one on when things are great whether it be food or otherwise you must use that a lot yeah i i actually do uh give give that give that move now you don't get any sound with it but sure you get it's a hand gesture well The hand gesture is fine, but I'm just doing a completely separate sound at the same time, unrelated to the hand gesture. Okay. I'm also, you know, if you're- You can yell things while you flip the bird.

It's a good pick, and if someone was in their car with their window up and you did that, they would still understand what you're saying. Yes. Without the kiss. It works. So, Mike, it's back to you. Bird was your word. Right on. Are you going to lighten things up right on this team i got my 102 it came back um look i know what

you're doing do you i think i do i mean look i'm i'm a rock and roll feller i'm tatted up it's the rock and roll horns my friend i knew it absolutely rock on yeah i think the bird and the rock on is going to be a popular combo popular combo oh do we have an answer owl where do we even need to know where the bird came now let's let's leave that off here okay oh that means it's a good answer i have to pick uh a couple picks here i need to match the bird the best I can. Cause Mike is, Mike is made a negative pick in terms of like the meaning, right? You're using that gesture to send a message and I need to send a message or I'm telling people they're number one,

but you're not with that finger. That's a totally different hand gesture. Yeah, that's true. I need to send a message. And if I can't, if I'm in the car, I'm in the car and I need to send a message and I if I'm in the car, if I'm in the car and I need to send a message

and I can't send it with the bird, I'm going to do the slit in your throat. You're dead? Look, I don't have the bird to go to. Oh, that's good. That's not on my list. Look, I'm going with the throat slit. That is good. I mean, it wasn't on my list

either it's edgy yeah yeah it is i mean that is have you ever pulled that on someone it's murderous have you ever done that to someone like you are dead i yeah look on not in serious but i'm like on the road i'm sure we've all gotten the bird before. We've all probably given a bird or two in our lifetime. I have never looked out my car window and gone, yeah. If I looked over and saw someone give me the slit your throat hand motion, I would turn. I would just immediately turn. If I'm on the freeway, I will slam on my brakes.

I will put it in reverse. I'm out of here, man. That guy wants to kill me. I had to counter the bird, man. I don't care how edgy it is. Oh, man. That is so extreme. I'm going to

kill you. You just selected I'm going to kill you. So we got thumbs up. That's happy. We got the throat slit. That's less good. My next pick is it's a bit of a risk every time you do it. But, I mean, from a gesture standpoint, I've done it a lot, and it is the anticipatory high five. Oh, okay.

I'm going up with the – I'm looking for the high five. Signal for the high five, sure. Now, the rest is up to you. Right. And if you leave me hanging, that looks stupid. Oh, you got another hand. So five. That's what I do.

Whenever I get left hanging, it's always got to. You finish it? 100, it's got to be completed. Okay. Once you have signaled, the hand slap sound needs to happen. It's a nice gesture. Yeah. It's fine.

We're sports fans. Mike, you are rocking on with one hand. Could you imagine? Flipping the bird with the other. Could you imagine sporting events without high fives? Oh, gosh. That would be the worst. Yeah, actually, that would not work.

I need to celebrate and slap hands with strangers. We are a very visceral people. I remember when the pandemic was going on. I really did think it was the end of the handshakes and the high fives and stuff. People would just start fist bumping. It's all back in full form because it's just natural. You just do it. Yeah, we've moved on.

What's a pandemic? Yeah. Who needs that? All right. With my third one here. So the bird., we've moved on. What's a pandemic? Yeah. Who needs that? All right. With my third one here, so the bird, we got the rock on, and this is some, I don't know when it happened to me, but this is now my hand gesture of choice of just like when I'm saying,

oh, yeah, it's okay. I hit people. I go with the hang loose or I think shaka might be called that as well. The pinky and the thumb extended and you rock it back and forth. I mean, you've got the... And you just let people know, yeah. You might be the coolest hand gestures here. Yeah, I thought you were going to go hang loose instead of the rocker. I got them both.

Because I've seen you do the hang loose before. I've never seen you do the rocker. It's because i go through periods there were times where it was a lot of the horns going up okay jason two picks left for you okay all right don't blow it oh i will um there's a there's a lot of mediocre things i could go with here but i feel like you guys you guys all have you know you're negative you know yeah flip the bird i'm going to murder you same same same same isn't exactly no it can be very disrespectful it can be and i intend to use it that way

um in addition to that i'm to go with I'm watching you. Oh! Not on my list. It's this, right? Two fingers to the eyes and then point at you. You just need to know I'm on to you. I'm watching you. I like it.

I use that with my kids a lot. Yes. If I'm somewhere else, I'll hit them with the, I'm watching you eat them broccoli. So you're at the dinner table? Try this with the you see i'm watching you eat them broccoli because so you at the dinner table oh the i'm gonna murder you yeah okay yeah maybe i'll try that with my children um so i'm watching you that's a good one okay and then i feel like i am a little jealous of the high five we got the sporting events and we are competitive people and I don't know if I could live

without a good fist pump. Tiger Woods? Yeah, exactly. The Tiger Woods, the celebratory, whether you're out at an event. That's a fist pump, not a fist bump. Correct. Fist pump. Yeah, no, that's a good gesture. That's

pandemic acceptable? Yes. That's not the same thing as I'm going to get you. No, that's shaking. I'm not shaking a fist. I'm fist pumping. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, I'm celebrating my great pickleball shot. These are all really good picks.

This has been a pretty good draft. You let me know if we need to go five or not. All right. Mike, you have been the cool kid. I mean, you're on the surfboard. We're going to keep it going, man. We're going to keep it going. Because when you're leaving, you got to chuck up the deuces.

You hit them with the peace sign. The peace sign. Deuces. That's for Owl. All right. Thank you. The peace sign. I didn't think you could put four together this good.

The peace sign is so good because peace sign could be, I mean. Did you have a peace sign phase at your school? Because there was a. Oh, yeah. There was like a two-year period where it was everyone used the peace sign to say goodbye. And it can do so many things of like, it can be. It can be a hello. It can be the full-on like hippie, like peace.

Hey, man, this is my symbol of we're going to be mellow. You could be really aggressive like peace out, or you just chuck up the deuces. I mean, it's very versatile. I'm going to close it out with the A-okay. Everything's okay? Everything's okay. I feel like it's one of the maybe powerhouse gestures

that just didn't get picked. There's a couple. I mean, we can go one more round. If you want. Let me look at my list to make sure I got another cool guy one. Or we can end it. I mean, that's fine. But I think okay.

I think that is okay. I think that's a okay. So thumbs up. Man, I got a real wild card right there in the middle. The throat slit. I love it. High five and then an okay. Mike has the bird.

Rock on, hang loose, and peace sign. Jason with the shh and the chef's kiss. And then I'm watching you and the fist pump. Very nice. Very nice. That's a fun one. Any honorary mentions that you guys want to throw out there? Oh, I mean, so many.

Let's see. The point. Nobody went with the point. Pointing was actually the first thing I wrote down, but then as I got through them, I liked other ones. I had, I mean, like, I love you is a classic. Yeah, yeah. Classic signal.

Now, for the listeners, that was the three finger I love you, not the hand gesture of i you know you you touch your eye and then your heart and then you that's that's just a you thing that's not a you thing i love you who does that yeah that's a that's a very normal that is a very normal thing but it's three gestures i love brooks not surprised brooks way in here them all together i don't know that one i know the one where you make a heart with your... Yeah, but that's a heart. That's not the I love you where you have the index pinky up and the thumb out.

No, I don't know either of those. By your math, then my I'm watching you is two gestures. One where you point to yourself. Actually, the I'm watching you, I've always done it with you keep the two fingers the whole time. I've noticed that in you before. Yeah, this is... It's really weird. It's this one. That's how I do it too. Yeah. You go to a point. You went to a noticed that in you before. Yeah, I've always thought that it's this way.

That's how I do it, too. Yeah. You go to a point. You went to a point, which is two gestures. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You people. I think we covered most of the big ones.

Well, hold on. I want to see if Owl's on his game right now because there's another good gesture. Oh, the finger guns? Oh, he's not. Oh, there they are. I did think about going with the point with the thumb out. Yeah. That's a different point than the...

You got to do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You do need to click. I thought two fingers up. One more round. One more. Oh, that's a good one.

One more. You do the circular motion. You got blow a kiss. Sure. Oh, good entry here, Al. The salute. Oh, that's a very good one. Oh, even a casual salute. Not even a formal.

Oh, you got the two-figure salute. My salute is usually a tip of the cap. That's what I, you know. There's a lot. Is a wave? We didn't get to wave. Waving is plain Jane. I had waving and clapping as unsure.

Clapping is not a hand gesture. It's not? It can't be a golf clap what would you call it maybe a golf clap if you don't hear it is a gesture yeah i like that it's just it's a gesture that makes sound you got raise hand just be called upon uh-huh excuse me okay you gotta stop uh-huh with the handout and stop stop in the name of love. The raise hand, the stop, and the high five are the exact same gesture. You've also got this. Yeah, the come here.

I love that we're a podcast and I'm referencing this. But the come here finger? Yeah. I like to do more of the four. Oh, the four finger. Get over here. Because there could be the come here, which is the one or two fingers insinuating, I need you to come over here.

We're going to talk. When you go whole hand, that's we're going to fight. What's the matrix? That's the whole hand. That's all we have. We're going to fight. If you go more than two fingers, you're signaling we are going to fight. And unfortunately, there will be other hand gestures in that fight.

In that fight, like you're dead, I slit your throat. What did we learn today? I learned that all 80-year-olds are ugly. Yeah. I learned that different version of I love you for the first time. Oh, that's what I was going to learn. Oh, no. Does he have nothing?

Well, I also learned that photography is just a minor skill. That's right. I also learned that we're on to something with this poop shower idea. No, that's a different kind of shower. Okay. Goodbye, everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.