Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 24: Pizza Names and the Best Dads on TV - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

This one hits a little too close to home for Jason who was, in fact, raised by television fathers. The guys are back again with a great mock draft where they select the best father figures on TV. Some are actually the worst fathers on TV, but certainly beloved characters. We also discover what the most helpful mythological creature would be. There are also some of the funniest "Would You Rather" questions yet! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, Spitballers? Jason. What's going on, Spitballers fans, friends? We gave them a name, dude. The Spitwads. Thank you. You're welcome. Welcome in to another episode of the Spitballers podcast. On today's show, we have Would You Rather?

That's a great question and yet another mock draft this one I feel that I will fail in tremendously but we'll see I don't you know I don't fail often I pretty much win all the time so that's debatable I find I'm either first

or last in most polls and in life. And in life, yeah. It's either I am great at what I'm doing or I don't participate. Well, to be fair, you're a sore loser and you're a very, very sore winner. Yeah, that's fair. Yep. I was going to say we're recording a little bit earlier this week because of the holiday

and we don't have any results from the poll of last week's show. Oh, but you'll be last. Well, the question will just be how high is my actual percentage? How many folks in America side with me taking a stance? I would say three. Three percent? No, three folks. Three people. with me taking a stance i i would say three three percent i'll take it oh three people is it bad that while the we're recording on a day in which that show actually released that i don't even

remember what it was uh we drafted on our previous episode thanksgiving day sides oh delicious yeah meal which there was some there was some hot and heavy comments about the legitimacy of some of your picks because somebody drafted, it's Thanksgiving, of course they drafted pumpkin pie. They said, oh, pumpkin pie is not a side for Thanksgiving. It is a dessert. That's fair. I have the desserts on the side of my main plate. Live my life.

This is more, if you want a little insight into Jason's competitive nature, if he wins, he's the best. If he loses, he let you win. You're darn right I did. You're welcome. It was part of the plan. All right. By the way, from time to time, we love to read a review from the listeners.

We appreciate the reviews for this show have been so great that we continue to do the show. So thank you. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Veggie Meg. She says, if you want funny, you're in the right place. Hilarious. As an avid comedy podcast listener, I have to say I fell in love with these guys upon the first listen. Amazing personalities, amazing chemistry, and ridiculously entertaining topic choices.

Look, in entertainment is when you are able to calm a lion with jokes. And I can do it. If you entertain. Yeah, entertain's a entertainment animal. Yeah, or if you need to, like, sometimes you go to the dentist and they need to put you under, they'll do some entertainment and kind of calm you down before the procedure. No, they won't. Okay.

Okay. Well, hey, by the way, yeah, thank you. This was such a nice review that Jason must have picked it. You know what? I hadn't read that until this moment. And as I was reading that, I thought, wow, this isn't funny. This is just really nice, and we sound too self... Yeah, you need something that has a little...

Yeah, make fun of us. Like a compliment sandwich thing. Yeah, I like that. Love these guys, great personalities. Jason looks so fat. All of them are stupid. But also, I listen. Yeah Love these guys. Great personalities. Jason looks so fat. All of them are stupid. But also, I listen. Yeah, thank you.

All right. We appreciate your review. Let's get into Would You Rather. Would you rather? You all right over there? I'm fine. Seem a little disheveled, disappointed in some of your life choices. Well, I mean, that's true of most days.

Most recently, that would have been the Dairy Queen decision I made yesterday. Ah, yes. I fully endorsed and supported your Dairy Queen decision, so I apologize to you. Only thing worse than going to get Dairy Queen is to have it delivered to you. I'm too lazy to go get my ice cream. Although in some ways it seems like the right way to do it. Because who wants to see? You make eye contact with the other people in Dairy Queen?

No, you can't do that. I mean, you have to make eye contact with the clerk and make sure that he understands the order. It's very much like a drug transaction. Do you wear the groucho the the glasses the the nose and mustache disguise uh only when he orders three blizzards wait have you gone to dairy queen and ordered fewer than three blizzards uh well no i suppose i haven't all right i get them for friends and family. Yeah.

These aren't all for me, sir. Is this for my friend Lefty? This is for my friend Righty and my friend Mouthy. All right. Matt from Twitter. As a waiter, would you rather always be treated super nicely and get a 20% tip or always be treated horribly and get a 40% tip? So are you willing to take some punishment for that quiche?

And would that wear you down or would the money just wash that pain away? The first thought here is like, please correct me if I'm wrong. Isn't a 20% tip a good tip? 20% tip is what I would consider to be a normal tip. Yeah, it's the regular. When did that change? It's the regular good service. when did that it's a regular good good service when did that change from 15 because i like growing up it was always a tip is 15 so i always did 20

well that's inflation i wanted to be well we had to inflate the tip yeah i mean no i think 20 is a good tip yeah it's a good it's a see think what happened is 15% was like the standard, 20% was good, and then it just became, it is so much easier to do the math of 20% than I'm just going to stand there. Yeah, and if you do the math on 10%, then you're just kind of a jerk. Oh, yeah, you just double it, and then you're a great person. Yeah.

Now, what if you... Let me ask you a question. Have you ever ordered something in a tip situation that only cost you a couple bucks? ever ordered something in a tip situation that only cost you a couple bucks oh yeah like pizza you get a you you order pizza is uh pizza is a standard three dollar tip for me has to be minimum five minimum five dollars or you're a monster i'm a three that's what i've heard see i've always been like a three dollar tip guy for pizza if i order a larger amount like there's multiple people over, I understand.

Mike, if you got 10 pizzas delivered, would you tip $3? No. Okay. No, I would do more. So you're not a complete animal. For my family night, it's a pizza. Maybe there's a side. Perhaps there's two sides. I mean, three does sound really crappy. Yeah, well, it is really crappy because it doesn't matter

how much you order. They're doing the same work. So when I get some special, it's like $9.99 for two large pizzas i i'm gonna tip five bucks even though that's like a 50 tip okay so then if they come in with the 10 pizzas you're only giving the five dollars no i go 20 whatever you know so minimum five dollars the same amount of work jay don't you put that logic back on me. Let's say you stop by a Village Inn or a Denny's. You go by for a cup of coffee, okay? And it's your bill.

They bring you the bill. It's $1. Yeah. Now, you're not tipping 20 cents on that, are you? I think there's probably a dollar minimum. Is there a minimum? Yeah. We're really figuring out tip etiquette here.

You know what move I hate? So the move of I go just anywhere where it's self-ordered. I have to go up to the register. Oh. And there's no service being provided to me other than they hand me the food after taking the money. They don't come out. They don't come check on you and refill beverage whatever your order they just take your order and then you get the receipt and they go could you please fill this out or do they

turn around the ipad and say just hit one of those buttons and it says tip or no tip you're like why are you normally tip on that ipad situation because no i do not. I do not tip. I tip every time. I'm such a sucker. I'm like, they could see me. That's why they do it, Jason. They're looking right at me. I got to turn this iPad back around, and they're going to judge my character based on how I touch a button. Wow.

So I usually touch too big a button. Are you subjective, I mean, to the tip jar? Or can you ignore a good tip jar? I can ignore a tip jar. I can 100% ignore the tip jar. Because it's possible you don't have loose chains or a dollar on you but the button when it's a button or a signature they're getting your money when i have to hand it back to them and say yes i have left you out

of this equation i can't do it but they didn't do anything i know but some people tip and some people don't and i'm gonna be one of those two groups as a waiter that's probably the better way to go. As a waiter, would you rather be treated super nice and get a 20% tip or always be treated horribly and get a 40% tip? I'm getting the 20% tip. I mean, I don't need a life. Shout out to the waiters and waitresses out there.

I've never done it. But I've heard just how rough that job is. I wouldn't hack it. I could not make it in that way. 20% tip is a good enough tip. Yes. And now you've got a great job too. For me to not go home and just feel like an insignificant bug

because I've just been abused all day. It's a little bit of a mind job for me because I'm being treated horribly, but at the end of the meal, I get this 40% tip where I'm like, man, I must have been great. I'm actually feeling good. I'm taking the 40% because it's a little surprise at the end of every meal. That guy cursed me out 11 times because I didn't bring him his water. Oh, wait, he loved me.

Yeah, I think I've got to go with the 40% tip. No way. At the end of the day, my shift is done, and I'm not taking my work home with me if i'm a waiter or waitress i'm not going home thinking about what that guy in the smoker's jacket rudely said to me mike you can work half as much no but see you're getting a 40 tip except 35 of that tip is now going into your therapy jar because you're going to need to go get some counseling. Have any of us worked in food service like that? No.

I have never been a waiter or a waitress. I know I would not be able to do it. I've definitely never been a waitress. The only story I have with this is my first job, and when I say first, I mean 14 years old. This was like before I worked at Staples. You're breaking child labor laws my my mother ran a uh for lack of a an old folks home i don't know what those are called okay a retirement retirement center center it was a large one and they had this cafeteria

and so i was used is that where you met andy he was in line yes he was yes he lived there for many years before I met him um and so it's true I wasn't arguing I was a waiter but when you're a waiter there basically what it is is there's three options in the kitchen that day do you want the burger the spaghetti or the lasagna and so you go out and you've got like your tray that you carry up on your shoulder and you take one table and so you ask him on this is only for elderly oh it's only elderly phone they pick one of three very only mike knows where this is yes of course because that's what i'm gonna be they are ornery yeah af they are the meanest now some of them were so... Oh, because I was young. It was like... I was young. It was one of those... Oh, you're just the sweetest. So kind.

Yeah, you'll get a couple. And they gave you like a hard candy. But when they were mean... A mean old person is the worst. You can't do it right. Whatever you bring was wrong, was prepared wrong, was your fault. I can't wait. What happens... You're going to be that guy? Oh, yeah. Why do... bring was wrong was prepared wrong was your fault i can't wait what what happens you're gonna be

that guy oh yeah why do walter mathau grumpy old men it's gonna be this guy i believe it you're a grumpy young man yeah that was not fun as a as a young did they tip well oh there were no tips here i got nickels i think i got paid like five five dollars by my mom at the end of a week. This was pure slave labor. How long did you do this? About a year. Probably from 14 to 15. That explains so much. Yeah, it does.

Yeah. I barely remember. I blacked out most of it. So Jason and I are taking that cool cash, the 40% tip. Mike's taking the 20%. Yeah. Would you rather your name be Papa John or Little Caesar? What? What?

What? So this is your birth name? Yeah, this is. So your name is Little Caesar. Or Papa John. Or Papa John. Ain't no way. Ain't no way on Papa John.

Is this because of the pizza? It's because the pizza is the trash of the chain. Oh, stop it. Little Caesar is literally like shaved plastic off of the side of a building. No, it's because they make buildings out of plastic. If you get it fresh, it's cardboard. This building is made out of Little Caesars. Look, Papa John's might not be the best of the rung here.

And keep in mind, I love Little Caesar. But Papa John's is way better than little caesar as a name no as a pizza but back to the name i mean little caesar imbues like hey that's a little caesar over there like i got a little tiny guy this would have been your nickname growing up i'm a little guy you're a big guy you're a little john i got small hands small features i'm a little guy i'm i'm gonna see the first thing i do if i'm little caesar is i'm already going from the you know the richard to rob or whatever the nicknames are i'm lil yeah you're lil i'm lil caesar you call me lil caesar

oh thank you thank you that's right lil c and then you can just be Lil C. Oh, like a lowercase. Yeah. And then. They call me lowercase C, dog. I'm Papa J. Do you know how many. Call me PJ. I'm a real tough cat. PJ does not seem like the name.

No. For a tough. Like if you're PJ. You're short. You're associated with like clothing you wear at night. Your short handle is pajamas. Your short handle is pajamas. Your short handle is pajamas. Yo, PJs. Yo, PJs, come on over here.

Hey, PJ, I need some backup. I need some comfort. Come on, bro. Do you know how many- Bill Caesar's giving me a hard time. So I did not know this until a couple months ago or however long it was. My wife and I went to a comedy show. We just wanted to go out for that night, and the only one that was in town was Lil Duvall.

I don't know if you've ever heard of him. Unaware. Sorry, Duvall. Yeah, my apologies. And he's a comedian, but he was talking about how he's got like a top 100 billboard song, and I'm like, what? And so I go, and I'm like, this can't be true, because I heard it. And so I go, and I look at the top billboards,

and I search for the name Lil to find Lil Duvall. Apparently, if your name is Lil, you get on the top charts. You got Lil Baby. You got Lil Pump. You got Lil the top charts. You got Lil Baby. You got Lil Pump. You got Lil Duvall. You got Lil Peep. I'm not making this up. Not to say anything of Lil Wayne, who's also on the top charts.

Lil is in right now. I think we're on to something here. So Lil C's are in. Oh, Lil C's are in. Lil C. Lil C. Lil C. Oh, I love it.

I'm Lil C. Hey, PJ. Hey, PJ. Yo, PJ, get over here, PJ. I think this is a unanimous sweep for Lil C here. Yeah, I think it. Hey, PJ. Hey, PJ. Yo, PJ, get over here, PJ. I think this is a unanimous sweep for the little senior. Yeah, I think it is too. Get away from me, PJ. You go back home.

You creep everyone out, PJ. Why don't you let me call you Papa John? Would you prefer to live in the Sahara? No. Or in Antarctica? No. Oh, man. So you're in a desert or you're freezing your nips off.

So this is basically where would you like to spend the final three days of your life? Would you rather die in the Sahara or in Antarctica? Let's pretend for a moment that you've got a nice tent shelter in the Sahara. We're set up. And you've got yourself an Antarctic, what do you call it, an igloo? Like we have to make it at least 10 years in one of these locations. Yeah, you're going to be really committed to the Antarctic.

Oh, man. Or the Sahara. I was going to make a joke of we're in Arizona and say, you know, we basically live in the Sahara. But according to Wikipedia, the average temperature, it's got a mean temperature, I should say, of about 86 degrees Fahrenheit. The average high in the summer is 104. And sometimes it can be 117. So basically my going to be casual joke is actually true. We already

live in these temperatures. But it's a little more remote. You're in the middle of nowhere. We have air conditioned buildings here. I think in the Sahara. Then it also I'm sure gets colder at night because you don't have all the cement and everything holding the temperatures. It doesn't get quite as cold as...

Little C? No. Little C is cold as ice. I was going to say as Antarctica. But you got the camel game. There's no camel game in Antarctica. Oh, but that would be awesome. I'm riding around on a polar bear.

Are you kidding me? Kia! Jason, I don't think there's polar bears down there, man. Really? Yeah. There's no polar bears in any of those? No, that's like Alaska and North. That's a North.

What animals are at the... There's penguins. I love penguins. You can get... You can't ride one, man. If you can get like a fleet, maybe you can get them to pull you off some sort of device. Actually, do you know how big penguins are? The king penguins?

The king ones are giant. I've been to SeaWorld, man. You could not ride these things. You would kill them. Are they called king penguins? Emperor. Emperor, yes. There's both.

There's king penguins and emperor penguins. The emperor penguins are big, but I think they're very, very mean. I'm mean, Mike. I think both of them would be squished by Jason. The polar bear and the emperor penguin? No, the king and the emperor. So an emperor penguin- So what are some of the perks of living in the desert?

Basically, on average, four feet. That's pretty large for a bird. I've got full-grown relatives that are barely four feet. Like Lil' C. Like bird. I've got full grown relatives that are barely four feet. Like Lil C. Like Lil C. Hold on. Lil C is only three feet eight. Have you ever attempted to ride on your relatives? I have not yet attempted to ride on my

relative, but now my curiosity has peaked. And Thanksgiving's coming up and I'm going to hop on over under needing three of them to carry you. The only way you're riding a penguin is if you start at the top of a hill, you put it on its belly, you hop on over under needing three of them to carry you. The only way you're riding a penguin is if you start at the top of a hill, you put it on its belly, you hop on its back. Like a toboggan?

And you slide down that dead penguin carcass. That sounds fantastic. I mean, that's just like a toboggan. What are the perks of living in one or the other? I'm just curious what you think. All right, so one thing that we know. Unlimited water in the Antararctic we have traveled right well i mean you're in the form of ice yeah yeah ice and snow the sahara you'll you'll get the the vision of the oasis so you can get some cool

hallucinations going on yeah that that's one that's a perk a big perk maybe um you don't have to wear as many as much clothes. No, you actually do. In the Sahara? Oh, you'll burn to a crisp. Besides water. Not while you sleep. One of the most important things if you are stranded in a desert is actually clothing.

And you're going to have to wear long sleeves and cover yourself. Otherwise, you're just going to, like Jay said, you'll burn your skin off. The three of us have traveled around the country, around the United States, recording podcasts before. Very well-known travelers. Very well-known travelers. And you guys have seen how my body reacts to certain temperatures. Yes.

Is this your way of reminding people that you... I run a little hot. Yeah. And he's saying that in the Antarctic, he would actually still be sweaty. I would be able to be in my boxer shorts all the time and not have to be sweating so profusely. Snowball fight. I'm definitely like if these are real extremes, like deathly extremes, I'd much rather be in the cold than the hot. I'm sick of the hot.

We live in Arizona. Jason can't comprehend weather and expectations anyway. Mike and I, it's been cold in Arizona, like 45 degrees in the morning. So for Arizona that's cold. It's cold especially because you don't dress for 45. And that's what I'm saying. Jason shows up to work

complaining about how cold it is inside. In shorts and flip-flops every day. Like some kind of psychopath. Turn the heat on, guys. Psychopath. Look, I don't like wearing pants or socks or shoes and long-sleeve nonsense.

I love it, man. I'm a free bird. You should feel bad for us, America. Give me the cold. Let's move on. That's a great question which would you go with final answer Mike

I'm gonna I'm gonna take the heat I am too being cold sucks you have to pick here's the that's a great question for today

you have to pick one actor or actress to star in every movie for the rest of your to pick one actor or actress to star in every movie for the rest of your life who do you pick oh wait like as in every movie i watch every movie that comes out stars one actor and one actress so likable factor to me is what goes into there okay but you also need versatility yeah you can't have you know, you can't have, like, I love Andy Samberg, but I'm not watching him in some dramas and some hardcore suspense. Like, his face is too funny.

I'm going to never take him serious. I like Tom Hanks, but an action movie would be real rough with Tom Hanks. What? Turner and Hooch? I mean. You're going back four. I'm talking modern day, man. And here's the real problem.

I was going to bring up Tom Hanks. He ain't a spring chicken. Because Tom Hanks is my clear pick. He's 62, man. If it wasn't like, if he had to go back in time and replace every actor in every movie, he would be the guy because he can do comedy as good as anybody. He could do drama as good as anybody. But if it's the rest of my life, I i'm gonna have some real old rom-coms

i'm not gonna really want to go see when he's 80 sorry tom i love you but i gotta go a little younger you're thinking you need an actor more like our age so they will at least age exactly with you with me all right and for me for the actor it's gotta be i mean i don't think there's anybody as funny or as similar to me as christopher pratt yeah that was actually the name coming to my you can't brain chris pratt is this isn't the draft, Jason. No, I know it's not the draft where I could not get Chris Pratt. Spoiler. But yeah, no, he's funny. He's young. He can be in shape.

He can be fat, which I love. Makes me feel good about myself. Well, the OG. He's not so much anymore. Quite svelte these days. Yeah, so do we have to pick an actor and an actress or just one? I think they both. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence is the pick for me for the actress.

I'm going to go Ryan Gosling on actor. Oh, that's pretty good. I think he can be funny. Yes. I think he's a good dramatic actor, and he could do action. Oh, you're good, but you got the wrong Ryan if you're going with a young Seacrest. Yes, that's right. I think he was going Reynolds.

Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, he's great. He's great. Yeah, I mean. But drama? Give me Gosling over Reynolds any day of the week. I agree, but. Hugh Jackman's got to be up there, too.

But he's actually, he's older than you think. Hugh Jackman? It doesn't matter. There's enough HGH flowing around where he looks he looks younger than me someone get that man a blood test i actually think he might he's only 50 legitimately be wolverine his healing now mike i know you're going with steve buscemi for the actor i love steve buscemi no this isn't actors who would play us in a movie, Andy. Yeah. Okay, do you have your picks?

You got any picks, Mike? I mean, I know Jason's actress is Meryl Streep. Oh, yes. Overrated. Oh, my gosh. Man. Chris Pratt was the first guy that came to mind. But if I have to think of someone dead, i mean that's all okay no that's fine like once you lock onto your answer no you're fine you're done uh sam from twitter is it

acceptable to cut food with scissors for example cubing a ham slice or cutting a small pizza my wife insists it is absurd and abnormal and has been a pet peeve of hers since the beginning of our marriage. It doesn't make sense, and yet, I don't know why we don't do it. Because I've seen them for kids. I've seen food scissors, not for the kids to use, but you use them to quickly cut off all the crusts or cut your sandwich into circles or cubes. It makes perfect sense and it works really well, but it seems super abnormal because I think

you think you're cutting with metal, metal and food don't mix. What's a knife made out of? Okay, that's a weird thing. Scissors are just literally two knives but they have a mechanism holding them together that can open and close. They have tetanus all over them, don't they?

It's real. What Andy is saying is real. I mean, Mike makes perfect sense, too. It grosses me out. I've seen people use scissors. I go, that's so smart and disgusting. But why? And they have food scissors to open bags, but cutting the food itself seems like it's off limits.

Here's why. Here's why. You've never cut meat with scissors? Yeah. No, I'm not a monster. You've done that? Yes. For real?

Yeah, like a chicken breast or chicken filet. And what else? But here's where I... How do you think you get chicken strips, man? Nice. Here's the thing. It takes way too long. No, a knife is just as easy.

When Andy's talking about cutting your crust off, I'm like, I don't have any problem just taking a knife and going, Whop, whop, whop, whop, crust gone. Yeah, but how many sandwiches have you done in a row? 250. That's a lie. That is a lie. That's a bold-faced lie. For my son, for his preschool, I like to prep the sandwiches.

For his preschool, I like to prep the sandwiches. Like on a Sunday night, I know I'm going to have to make the sandwiches, and there is, if given the option in the morning, you know, it's 530 in the morning, between making him a sandwich or death, I frequently would just prefer to die than make a sandwich. So Sunday night, I like to prepare them all. And he likes them in triangles.

So you're talking five. But by the fifth sandwich of doing the triangles. How many kids do that? Too many. Too many is the answer. But by the fifth sandwich, you're like, ah, kind of getting a little cramp in the hand because you got to hold the knife down. If there was a cool scissors, I could do it. You don't think you'd have cramps in your scissor hands no no

scissor hands are scissor hand cramps are real yeah they're real you ever tried to really go at a piece of cardboard with a pair of scissors oh bread is not bread is not cardboard what kind of bread are you buying well there's a real dense I haven't used scissors with bread I'm saying I've used it with cardboard here's why it seems so disgusting, and it is so disgusting. Because you want to know what else you use those knives for? What? Nothing. They're used for food and food only.

But scissors, you need scissors to open certain things that you can't, you wouldn't grab a knife to open. You need scissors. And so you're cutting other objects. You're cutting into, you know, look, it's christmas morning you open the package you got two pairs of scissors the problem is solved and there's food scissors food shears yeah but those you're gonna be stolen they're gonna be like ah i need scissors does anybody have just grab the food scissors i gotta cut off one of my toenails now that is disgusting that is disgusting you know what happened in my

household i promise you that. Those scissors would be defiled immediately. Does your wife have a high quality pair of fabric scissors? Oh, of course. She's a craftress. My mom had a pair of those and I was never allowed to touch them. If you're even thinking about grabbing them, does she just punch you in the face? No, we need them for what? It's like the mom in the halls.

I'm with you. My mom had the fabric scissors. I grew up and it was like, no matter what you do, son, I don't care if you run off with a random lady. I don't care if you do drugs. I don't care what you do. But if you touch my fabric scissors and you cut a piece of construction paper with them, I will have your head.

I will kill you. No, for my household, it starts out, we get the scissors, they're going to stay in this room, they're only for opening X, Y, or Z, the fabric is only for the fabric, and then fast forward a month, I can't find the other scissors, I need scissors. I'm grabbing those scissors, I'm using them for whatever I need.

Scissors are like sunglasses or socks. You lose them all the time. I feel like you always need seven or eight extra packs of scissors around to get by. So you guys use your fabric scissors for everything. So basically what you're saying is. You can cut the crust off your bread with fabrics. There's probably fabric in your house that's just covered in salmonella. That's right.

Wait, no, because I don't use it on food. I don't use any scissors on food. To cut bags open. You've never cut a bag open? Of course I cut bags. Bags have salmonella? Well, yeah, bags of raw chicken could have them. Yeah.

Do you really just cut raw chicken bags open? Jason has realized the terrible mistakes he's made. How do you open these bags? The pause was not me realizing, oh oh no, what have I done? The pause was, what chicken in a bag are you getting? You guys are buying, and then I realized, oh yeah, chicken.

It always comes in a bag. So, here's the thing. This show we frequently... Or do they just plop it in your hand? No, but if you go to the deli... I always put mine in my pockets. If you go to the deli, they wrap it in your hand no but if you go to the deli put mine in my pockets if you go to the deli they wrap it in like butcher paper and and then put a sticker on it that's it wait not raw chicken yes i don't know mr hoity toity always getting his meat from the butcher i'm good that's insane i think this show often leads to incredible life-changing inventions

fully disposable one-time use food scissors that's what i figured out they need to be piles the land for the landfill is filled with them our world is ruined but our kitchens are safe you just need biodegradable metal mike je. Jeez. Yeah, that's an excellent point. Okay, cool. By the way, I got off onto this tangent. I was reminiscing with my parents this past week, and we were talking about, Mike, since you brought up the fabric scissors that your mom wouldn't let you touch. Yes. Did you have a room in your house that was the formal dining room in which you could not either sit on the table or really venture into that room at all.

Did you have a room that was kind of private that probably had a bunch of precious moments on the wall and a bunch of plates and like spoons? We definitely had a formal dining table, but it wasn't that crazy as I'm sure you'll, I'm sure you have a good story. that crazy as I'm sure you'll I'm sure you have a good story uh but I did have a friend that when you went over to their house they had a room and it was like it was the formal room they had a piano in it and it had white carpet oh oh come on we were literally not allowed in this room it wasn't just it wasn't just take your shoes off. It's you cannot go in this room. Why does this room exist?

Of course you can't go in that room. They have white carpet. Anyone goes in that room, room is ruined. But this goes down to like my mom grew up in a house where they had a beautiful couch with plastic on it. Oh, I have the same. Covered in plastic for 10 years of sticky plastic to cover the couch that's comfortable. It's unbelievable, man. So combining those two stories, my parents during our one rich phase in my childhood,

which was short-lived. That's when you were at the butcher every week. That's what happened. They bought this super nice, beautiful looking white couch oh no not leather cloth white what are they doing microfiber not tan white white as a piece of paper and it was so beautiful that they covered it in sheets at all times. Just dirty old sheets that haven't been used on a bed in forever. And that was what was in our living room. A sheet-covered couch.

This could have been from Goodwill. No one could tell we had a nice couch because you had to leave it covered in sheets. Would they uncover it if they had friends over? I don't ever remember that couch being uncovered. I don't know if something happened in the beginning. It was insane. I always remember being a kid going, why did we get this? We needed a beautiful couch that we can't see.

That's like buying a nice car and driving around with that cover on it. Right? You know what I mean? Just cut a windshield open. I got to keep it safe. Yeah, we had a dining table. I never sat in it. Ever. It was just fine, nice wood table. Would love to have sat in there.

I don't remember ever sitting in it. It's like the china that people don't eat off of. Do you guys have china? No, we don't have china. I won't have nonsense like this in my house. Not really. Do you? I don't think so. You don't know?

Maybe we do. Well, I haven't asked my butler lately if we have china in the third floor. Do they put chickens in bags? Because normally Jeeves brings me my chicken. We go out back. We feather it. Do you feather? De-feather?

I don't know. You're taking chickens that already got feathers. You're putting more feathers on them. Then you're de-feathering them. You can't have enough feathers on a chicken. that's what makes the finest feathered meats i love feathered meats delicious feathered meats that's a delicacy oh yeah okay all right last um oh goodness last great question before we jump into the mock draft. Fine feathered meats.

What mythical creature would improve the world the most if it existed? I got mine. All right, sir. The leprechaun. Really? Oh, 100%. That's not bad. How would that improve the world?

Well, look, if you are destitute, if you're in a bad place, you're going to be a rainbow chaser. Because what's at the end of that rainbow now? A pot of gold. A pot of gold. And where does the leprechaun come into the equation? Just to get my lore correct. Are they hanging out with the gold at the bottom of the rainbow? The leprechaun is sitting on top of the pot.

How do you think the pot is filled up with gold? A leprechaun clearly fills it up. I mean, this guy. Oh, wait, what? Yeah, yeah. There are leprechaun clearly fills it up i mean this oh wait what yeah yeah there are leprechaun droppings hold on what what mythology did you grow up with i i'm not super up to date on leprechaun mythology all i know is if a leprechaun exists a pot of gold exists at the end of the rainbow but there is no end to an actual rainbow therefore leprechauns might exist and we don't even know so you're telling me i need to go try to find a pot of gold yeah just keep going you'll get to the end one day i've seen

the end of it to me it's a giant a giant is the solution the world yeah or enslave enslave for sure one friendly large giant that can handle big tasks so you're just talking about haggard no that's too small i'm talking about like the equivalent of Gulliver to the world. Okay. You remember Gulliver's Travels? Of course. Yeah, and that was more like a person. Jason doesn't.

No, I have no idea what. You don't know Gulliver's? Not only is that a famous book. You're killing me. But there was a ridiculous TV movie starring Ted Danson. Ted Danson, yes. Growing up with Gulliver. That was when they were going through all the old well-known mythological stories.

That was like when Merlin came out with the guy from Jurassic Park. Yeah. Gulliver's Travels came out. TV movies were a big thing. Yeah, big time. Really? I'm looking up pictures. It's got a cool two and a half stars.

No bells are struck by me. There's also a Jack Black movie of the same name. I love Jack Black. Anyway, I think a giant, an enormous giant, he would be able to solve all the world's problems because if you're not in line, the giant comes after you. If you need heavy construction done, the giant will take care of that for you. Or he just makes giant problems

that's possible he better not walk near my home that crumbles it's pretty important to realize how kind this giant is it's a gentle giant he's so he's a tiptoe you want the jolly green giant oh there you go that's fair you want the jolly green giant infinite green beans and you have a bowl of green beans And you have a bowl of green beans. And you have a bowl of green beans with your feathered chicken. No one likes green beans. That's true. No one. I'm going to go with

the dwarves. Because in fantasy stories, these are the guys who are always making the cool stuff. And also opening up the hellfire Demons from the deep. Do they do that? Yeah.

Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? The dwarves do it? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of their fault. But here's the thing. I think that Mike's right because this would be like they make cool stuff and then they stay out of the way because they live under the ground. That's true.

Mike wants some kind of creature that keeps their distance from Mike. Oh, how did we not go elves? Because dwarves made, like, Thor's hammer is made by dwarves. I mean, dwarves. They're short, but their ears are pointy. Wait, those are just gnomes. That's not a

dwarf. Pointy-eared dwarves? What's the most famous dwarf you know? Sherlock gnomes. Okay. An elf is very condescending to humans. They think they're superior. They are superior. Because they're a beautiful race.

By the way, the Jolly Green Giant was also very into corn. Oh, fantastic. Corn's delicious. I'll take the bowl of corn, please. Here's a bowl of non-nutritious vegetables. But delicious. It's true. It's true. That's true.

But the dwarves made all the cool mythological stuff. Okay. So we got dwarves, giants, leprechauns, maybe some elves or dwarves. Dwellves. Yeah. You need a... The Spitballers Draft. What's the inverse of a dwarf?

An eld. Okay. We've got a mock draft. Jason's drafting first. We are. Jason, let the people know what we're doing. I'm so happy that I get first picking this because there is a – I wouldn't – I literally – this is not a joke.

If I wasn't drafting first, I would never allow this draft because I can't come out of this draft without a specific person. We are drafting TV show dads. If they're in a TV show and they have a child, they count as a TV show dad. What dads are you wanting? Now, we're drafting the dad qualities, right? Whatever we want. Good, bad, ugly, however we want it. You're not drafting the actor. we're drafting the dad qualities, right? Whatever we want.

Good, bad, ugly, however we want it. You're not drafting the actor. You're drafting the TV dad. Exactly. The character who is a dad on TV. I feel like that's a really strong disclaimer for one person. And that person shan't be drafted here. So, here's the thing.

Not happening. Growing up, I always said, i've said this a hundred times it's funny a little sad and that i i feel like i was raised in part by two television and movie television slash movie stars like you, you know, the My Two Dads thing? Like, Jim Carrey movies helped raise me. And I got all of my fatherly parenting for a large portion from the first round pick in this draft. Tim, the Tool man, Taylor. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense. I know you're looking. I don't have it. Tim. Oh, look at that. There it was. Tim, the tool man, Taylor. I mean, growing up in our age.

Yes. Yes. Thank you, growing up in our age... Yes! Thank you, Tim Allen. Growing up, I mean, my age... That was the one family show we watched. Everyone watched it. JTT? You kidding me? I mean, everyone had the JTT haircut. We were trying to be like Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

And our dad was Tim the Tool Man Taylor. It wasn't really watched very much in my household. I feel sorry for you. I'm really going to turn the tables on this one. Oh, man. And I'm going to go with Tony Soprano. Oh!

Right out the gate. Going hardcore. Yeah, I'm going to go with Tony Soprano. Look, I know he's a flawed man in many respects, but I know he's going to take care of business. We're going to be well supplied financially. Yeah. And I'm going to feel real safe with the hard lessons from the street.

Get to feel real safe and always real worried about, is dad coming home? That's right, but he comes home most of the time. Now, I have never watched... It really only takes one for not coming home. That's true. That's true. I have not watched The Sopranos, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Bad Man? Point of view. Perspective. Okay. I mean, most of The Sopranos, he's spending his time with a shrink and talking through the complexities. Is Robin Hood a bad guy? He's deep.

I don't know. Depends on who you're talking to. No, Robin Hood's not a bad guy. I'm going to put this on record. He's a little worse than Robin Hood a bad guy? He's deep. I don't know. Depends on who you're talking to. No, Robin Hood's not a bad guy. I'm going to put this on record. He's a little worse than Robin Hood. Okay, so rung below. He's more like steal from the ridge. Give to myself.

No, that's it. That's it. All right, Mike. So you got Tim the Tool Man. Mike's got him. I went a little strange with Tony Soprano. All right. But I went strong.

Yeah, you get two, Mike. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you go backrano. All right. But I went strong. And Mike gets two picks. Yeah, you get two, Mike. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you go back to back. All right. Oh, man. Very, very interesting. Okay, well, I'm going to take Homer Simpson with my first pick. He's high on my list.

He's actually a great dad, great father figure. Really? Yes. Yes. This is coming from two guys who don't actually watch The Simpsons I've watched 50 plus How is he a good father figure? Genuinely

He's always He's always teaching the kids lessons He's actually around He's been in a A great One of the only stable marriages on television That's fair That part's fair.

Homer is actually a good dude. Would you say? At the beginning, there was some strangulation that happened. Yeah, I was just going to bring up the choking your children. That went away eventually, and the show has been on basically our entire lives. Homer Simpson is a great man. I'm sure you'll have many fans with him. He is a great man.

And then I'm going to go with the other one, another man who he actually might be thought of more as an uncle. But he's a father. So I'm taking Uncle Phil, Phil of Banks. Very nice. I'm taking the Fresh Prince's uncle, Carlton's dad. Now you want to talk about a great dad? That was a great man. Oh, the judge.

He was fantastic. And I know that I'm well taken care of financially as well. Yeah, I mean, look, you're living in Bel Air. There's only... Yeah, that makes sense. So you got Homer Simpson. He's on my list. I got a butler to cut the...

Yeah, that's good. To feather my meat. To feather my meat. I want the finest feathered meats, and I want. To feather my meat. To feather my meat. I want the finest feathered meats, and I want them now. Uncle Phil and Homer Simpson. I went with Tony Soprano. I now need to draft a TV dad that I want to see have to interact with Tony Soprano on a regular basis. So I'm going to take Danny Tanner.

Because I can't think of two more opposite people. So I'll have the perfect balance. I mean, I could have just drafted, like, two normal dads. But I'll go with Danny Tanner. Because I can't think of two more opposite people, so I'll have the perfect balance. I mean, I could have just drafted like two normal dads, but I'll go with Danny Tanner. I need the life lessons. I need the soft piano in my life. And I thought that's who you were referring to when you said... That's exactly what I thought

when he said the uncle. Uncle Danny, yeah. So Tony and Danny, you can be my TV dads. No, my uncle feels way better than that guy. Alright. I mean mean that's just basically drafting myself too Jason gets two picks alright I get two picks so here's a guy that I he's who I want really bad

and I thought from the beginning I'm taking him in the fourth round because neither of you are going to think of this guy because he's not a dad like you don't think of him as a dad but I do I think he was an incredible father taught his children valuable lessons hard lessons i actually taught them loyalty i'm gonna write down a name taught them everything that i thought was amazing a great man

and but since he's not thought of as a dad i thought he could sneak past but every time you guys opened your mouth i was worried i was gonna miss out on him the way he's not thought of as a dad, I thought he could sneak past. But every time you guys opened your mouth, I was worried I was going to miss out on him. The way he's missing out on his head. Ed Stark. I'm taking Ned Stark. He is. That's a TV dad. Yeah.

He's on my list. Oh, I love him. So I take it that is not who you wrote down there, Mike. No, it is not. Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones. Yeah. Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones. Yeah, Eddard Stark, Game of Thrones. He was and he was not. I will take the season one version of Mr. Stark.

And then since I am back to back here, got some good. So you like your side children? I love all my children. I will take care of all of my children. You like your side children? I love all my children. I will take care of all of my children. Maybe. We don't know. We don't know if it's his.

No, I think we've, you know, spoilers. I'm searching. Keep things spoiler free. We don't know. We don't know. All right. So, look, I'm a little jealous of the Homer pic. Okay, because. Very happy.

Sometimes as a dad, I'm not great. Sometimes I'm a little jealous of the Homer pick. Okay, because sometimes as a dad, I'm not great. Sometimes I'm just lazy. I don't teach the right things. I don't do the right things. I just want to turn on the football. And I'm not proud of this. Wait, no. He's not a good man.

No, you take him. I'm not drafting him for being a great dad. I'm drafting him for being a great television character. He was a dad, and I enjoyed the character of Al. This show was not allowed in my house. Of Al Bundy. It was not allowed in my house either. Oh, I watched a lot.

Did you watch that on your sheet couch? That show was off limits. Married with Children, Al Bundy. Wow. Like the logo coming up in how it slimes out. Love and marriage. I feel like I'm getting in trouble just thinking about it. I do too.

I'm like looking over my shoulder. So you guys have never watched this? Oh, I mean, I watched it. It just wasn't allowed in my house. This is a really good show. It was great. It was super funny. I'll go. It just wasn't allowed in my house. This is a really good show. It was great. It was super funny. I'll go with the polar. Is it my pick? Yes. Wait, did you take your two? Yeah, you took Ed Stark. Okay.

Because I have to, it's kind of my M.O. Alright. I'm going to go ahead and take Andy Taylor. Yes! If you don't know who Andy Taylor is, flip on your black and whites. Because that's Andy from the Andy Griffith Show. I'm an Andy.

I relate to this Andy because I lived my life in black and white about 50 years ago. And he was a wonderful father, a spectacular role model, and a police officer. So you just got to give him credit. All right. This is the name I thought you might be going with because I think it's a super sneaky pick. The fact that we were talking about Chris Pratt earlier in the show got me a little bit freaked out. But this is a man who he's thought more of as just this is a man's man. Like he's great with wood.

He loves bacon and eggs. But he's also a really freaking good dad oh yeah i know who you're going with because you don't know him as a dad at the beginning of the show but ron swanson absolutely the mustache himself heck yeah man he's getting in there he's doing tea parties he don't care that's that's a cool pick that's sneaky you raise your kids right that's a sneaky pick i like like it. I thought you were. That's who I wrote down. No, that's great.

If you want to check it out. Then the last pick, because we're going four, right? Yeah. Cliff. There's still actually a lot of names on the list that I want to go with, but I'm going to go. I'm going to keep it a little bit modern. A man who helped.

No, you don't know who I'm talking about. Oh, okay okay there's no way you're taking this guy all right good but this is a man who helping to rebuild society after the zombie apocalypse i am taking rick grimes wow because he don't mess around i know that my my dad's going to keep me safe gonna keep me safe in case of zombies let me ask and looters and marauders. Did Rick's son stay safe? That was not Rick's fault. That was once he was already a man, and he was trying to take care of himself. So your final four, Homer Simpson, Uncle Phil, Ron Swanson, Rick Grimes.

And he actually, just in case you're wondering, Jason, Carl got himself bit because he was being a human and saving another person. Lessons taught to him by his father, Rick Grimes. His father taught him how to die. About time he did something, Carl. Carl! I feel like that was like a spoiler for people. Too bad.

All right. Deal with it. I like that I protect season one from Game of Thrones, but not last season from Walking Dead. Yeah, that's why I brought it up. All right, so I've got this very stark contrast with Tony Soprano. But then I've got Danny Tanner and Andy Taylor. Well, those are the nicest two dead.

Yeah. I got one horrible dead. Are you going mean again? I'm going mean again. Oh, he's got to have the sandwich. It's a mean sandwich. Oh, I think I know where he's going. Hold on, hold on.

Let me look at my list and see. I'm going to write down the name. Yeah, I knew it. Walter White. He's on my short list. Walter White. Yeah, I knew it. He's on my short list. Walter White. Look, he started out with great motives. He's going to die.

And he wants his family to be safe. And things spiral out of control. But his brain and Tony Soprano's brain, they're going to work perfectly together. They're going to have an enterprise here. And the front-facing dads, the Danny Tanner and Andy Taylor, will be my front facing dads. Tony, Walter, you'll handle the back side of the business. Yeah, no. Wow.

That's great. I'm not sure how to think about your list. I mean, both Tony Soprano and Walter White are very confusing characters. Yeah. I mean, I assumed it was going to be Mike Brady as Andy's last pick. Sorry, I wasn't a Brady Bunch watcher, believe it or not. All right. I don't.

Now that I'm the last pick, I can kind of share the people I'm thinking about, maybe see some reactions. So by sharing them in Jason Moreland, that means he gets to include all of them. No, I'm just going to pick one of them no I'm just gonna pick one of them cheater I get the last pick here so Carl Winslow was in consideration yeah I thought about on my list I loved Family Matters he was awesome uh definitely worth taking but I think I'm really between two guys and one is a poll pick I feel and one is an awesome pick that I don't know how many people will know. So first, when you said I'm going modern.

Oh, yeah, he's on my list too. Yeah, I thought that was a clue for Mr. Dunphy. Yeah. Phil Dunphy. That's a great pick. He's great. He's fun. He's funny.

He tries to be a great dad. He's kind of a loser. That's a lot of me. That's a lot of me in there. of a loser that's a lot of me and that's a lot of me in there um but also a lot of me but a little bit less loser is adam braverman from parenthood that's a great show i'm only looking at andy because i know you watch say you are correct i don't know that is one cheesy dude i love that that fits you your dad jokes are these picks or you're just going? I don't know what he's doing. I'm making my final pick. He's trying to poll me for a good answer.

And my final pick is Phil Dunphy. Who is that? From Modern Family. The goofy realtor dad. Huh. He's fun. I like him. He's great.

And very, very funny. Tony Soprano, Danny Tanner, Andy Taylor, Walter White. Michael Bluth was in strong consideration for me as well. How did I not go with the Bluth family? Yeah, I don't know, man. I could have still taken Job. Think about it. He's a father.

Your team, Jason? My team, Tim, the tool man, Taylor. That's just a great pick. Al Bundy, Eddard Stark, and Phil Dunphy. I got Homer, Phillip Banks, Ron Swanson, and Rick Grimes.

Ron Swanson was a sneaky pick because like you said, he wasn't a dad in the beginning. But he was a pretty good dad. What did you learn today? What did you learn on the show today? I learned that Jason puts chicken in his pockets. Okay. You know, here's what I actually learned today.

I learned that I was very concerned with one of the questions on this show, and I didn't get a chance to answer. It was the who would play someone in every episode or in every movie. I gave my male answer. I didn't give my female, but I really had to pick one. And I went with Emily Blunt. Oh, that's a good answer. Good answer.

That is what I learned today about myself. Okay. I learned that Jason wants to live his life in his boxer shorts, would live in the desert with snow. No, he would live in Antarctica in his boxers. Sorry. In Antarctica with the least amount of clothing possible. Yes.

I'd honestly like to send him to Antarctica, Mike. I'll accept your ticket. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

We'll see you next time.