Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 240: Tailgater Haters & The Best Tools - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Today’s show really plays into our strengths. Spelling words and power tools. Listen in and absorb the expertise. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yeah, baby We're here I just wish he knew how to land the dang plane If it was a real plane, I would know how to land it I know, but because it's not Because it's a scat

You just You struggle at the end, man I mean, I would know how to land it. I know, but because it's not, because it's a scat, you just struggle at the end, man. I mean, I'm coming down hard and fast. And so it's like, I see the runway, but I'm also afraid. So then I close my eyes and I say. That's how pilots work best. Yes. They go, I am going to land over there. Close your eyes.

It feels like the pilot is deciding right when he's landing. He's got the landing gear down. Everything's going right. He's like, I'm not doing enough. And he just starts smashing buttons. Yeah. Oh, shoot. Wait.

We need more. We need to do more. They have a lot of buttons, guys. Release the masks. There's no possible way that pilots use all those buttons in a plane right no i mean they're it's to look important there's no way that it at least half of those buttons do nothing there's they just make sounds like a kid's toy yeah i mean come on light up and stuff they're fun there you go there can't be that many things

no it's impossible to think that a human being is supposed to be like oh that one 72nd over and 34th from the top I need to push that one right now maybe they're buttons from a day gone by like previous planes had a lot more buttons we We've automated stuff, but we just kept the same layout. How about an LCD screen with a menu? We need a Tesla airplane, man. Yeah, Elon, get on it.

Welcome into the Spitballers. Al, Judge Giamatti, both in the building today. Would you rather highway to spell and we are drafting the best tools. If you need a list of the best tools. We've got it. You cannot have come to three manlier men.

Thank you. Yes. Just high T using tools on the reg. I'm thinking about all of my favorite tools. For today's draft. And how I use them so much. So robust. HomeAdvisor does not count.

You don't get to select the HomeAdvisor app as a tool. What about Thumbtack? Yeah, good question. Good question. Are these tools? That is a pretty good tool for me. The checkbook is not a tool you're allowed to draft.

Oh, man. My list has shrank. A bunch of manly picks here. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. The community of Spitwads is at JoinThe the spit.com.

If you want to check that out, let's get it going. Would you rather Chris from Patreon writes in, says you're driving long distance on a one lane road. Would you rather be aggressively tailgated the entire drive no matter what speed you go or be stuck behind a car going 5 to 10 miles an hour below the speed limit the entire time? Both of these situations are nightmares. Not good. And I just went through both of them.

Oh. Because our family has a cabin up north, and it's on a seven-mile road off of the main freeway. And it's one you're not really supposed to pass on this road. Now, you can. It's pretty windy. So there's like a, you know how you have the single line, right? And it has to go to dash lines to give you permission. And you've got like that 200-foot window.

It's so small. Like this road on seven miles, there's like a 200-foot spot of passing. And even there, it seems a little... Oh, you hold your breath. It's a little suspect. And you gun it and you go, I hope we live, but I have to go around this car. I have no choice. I'm willing to gamble my life.

And the life of my family because this is too slow so we've I was just gonna say like I've been on both sides of this and I was just behind an Amazon van and the van was going very vanly slow I mean they're probably on this single lane mountain road in their larger truck. Very reasonable. Okay. We can't blame the Amazon driver. I'm not mad at that.

But what I'm going to say is that eventually the Amazon driver grew, dare I say, annoyed by my presence behind him. Oh, you were the tailgater. So I thought I was being reasonable, but I was just apparently... Were you following the two-second rule? I just think if you're... No, he was not following the two-second rule, Mike.

Okay, then I'm with the Amazon driver. What's the two-second rule? The two-second rule is... It should take me two seconds to get to them? No, no, no. When you look at a driver and look as they pass like something just like a landmark like a light post it should take you that's a rule it should take you two seconds to pass by that uh by the next owl is also nodding at that yeah i'm very familiar with

now is the two second rule we learned that in driving school i didn't attend that's what i was just gonna say i remember that from the thebook. The two-second rule. Is it applicable when the other party is not going the speed limit? Is it still applicable? When it is a one-lane mountain pass, I would say, yeah, you got to figure it out. So what happened was he just ended up basically stopping in the middle of the road. Oh, he gave you one of those. And then he put the hand out the window and he just went and he waved me by, which I thought was a courteous thing, right?

Yeah. But when I got parallel to him, he went from waving his hand to throwing his hand up like I had annoyed him. Like, come on. Like, come on. Like, this guy, I've got to let him go by you were supposed to reject the offer to pass no he just wanted me to be gone and then express this frustration his

opportunity to this was his last chance to let you know how he felt that i had annoyed him yeah but otherwise think of the alternative here seven miles of going slow behind this. No, you won. You won this interaction. I mean, clearly. Seven entire miles. That's a good run. Seven miles is a good run on a mountain pass. Honestly, over the course of seven miles, if you're going, you know, let's call it,

he's going five under, you would have gone ten over. Oh, this guy was ten under. He's going five under. You would have gone 10 over. 15 miles. Oh, this guy was 10 under. So let's just say you intend to drive 15 miles per hour faster than he was driving. That's fair. And that's seven miles.

So how long is that? I don't know. Well, that's more of a question for the kids. Andy, how long would that save you? Kids following along at home. Do the math in your head uh it's it it's probably like if you if you're at a 15 mile difference i guess it would be at least a couple minutes we'll figure it out it would it would not be life-altering substantial uh but i will jump in and say

tailgaters are uh scum of the earth these people are horrific and it just it's so frustrating do you pull over at first chance um i usually it depends on the mood because sometimes these these people will get the breaks and i will then slow down and it's the absolute worst is like when you're on a congested freeway. And it's where do you want me to go? Look in front of me. You can see a few car lengths in front of me. You can see that there are multiple vehicles in front of me. Should I be going slightly faster?

You would not be going faster. You can't go around all of us. You are stuck. We're all going this pace so that's where like I lose my mind is the people and then they aggressively pass you and they get in front of you and you're like okay now you are in front of me like you you have not improved your situation by by mere moments if you would just chill out, we're all driving. We're all trying to be safe. We're all trying to get where we're going.

Tailgaters are human garbage. Human garbage. I got an answer for you here. I have been feverishly looking. If you're going seven miles and you're going 55 versus 70, so the 15-mile-an-hour difference, you would save a minute and 38 seconds. That's terrible math by you because you're using a ridiculously high rate of speed. How fast are you going?

You should be comparing like 30 and 45. Oh, so you would save even less time. No, I would save more, right? It seems like more because it's a higher percentage of the total i'm no 14 minutes verse nine minutes and 20 seconds so yes you would save four and a half minutes in that case i just did i just did this uh okay yeah four and a half minutes okay so so four and a half minutes i get it it's super it's a 15 minute drive normally so you're gonna add 33 to my drive incredibly frustrating but that's that is the math

that that tailgaters need to hear four minutes dude you're wrong minutes of your life you are wrong because that math just convinced me it's worth it 100 worth it when this was 90 seconds i was like dude 90 seconds not worth it four and a half minutes to answer the question i'm riding i'm riding right on you to answer the question i think generally what i've done in that situation because i've been on this road a million times where people don't if you're not on the road and you don't know the road you're gonna go slower and i i get it because it's more nerve-wracking it's it if you're the tailgater i don't know i said it like that yeah if're that person, I can make up my mind. I'm just going to live with it, and it's fine, and I make my peace.

If you're being tailgated, you never have peace. No, never. You see the rearview mirror, and you see that car, and it is a bucket of stress for the entire seven miles. So I will be the tailgater because I will make peace. I will get there quicker. So they're going to be right up on me, and I will drive as fast as I want make peace. I will get there quicker. So they're going to be right up on me, and I will drive as fast as I want. Okay.

Because I'm going to get there. I mean, you said you've driven this road a lot. Mike's talking about the time, and this is what people need to hear. It's one way there, one way back. That's right. You've been there 100 times. 100 times 2 is 200 times 4 and a half minutes.

I am getting life. My life is richer and more full because of my speeding. Yeah, I mean 100. Children do not speed. 100 drives a year. Yeah. Saving about 5 minutes a drive. 500 minutes.

Yeah, look at that math. That's like 8 hours. That's a whole day. You just got a work day back. That is true, except for the one where you careen off the mountain. Meh. That's true. Or you tailgate the wrong person.

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives. Well, I'm sure most of us, we've done the brake check, the slow down. I'll keep slowing down. Is this the game we're going? You've done that? Oh, yeah. I've done the break check, the slow down. I'll keep slowing down. Is this the game we're going? You've done that? Oh, yeah. I've done it too.

If someone catches me on the wrong day, I'm like, fine, this is what we're doing now. And we are all going 15 under. I'm afraid to do that because I think they might rear end me. I don't think they're going to rear end you, but I worry more that they're going to road rage you at the next light. That's why I don't usually do it. It's just if I'm on the wrong day. If you catch Mike on the wrong. The most absurd thing is like.

You've got to at least go the speed limit, though. Oh, yeah. I will go speed limit or five over. You are giving a great example where there's understanding. A winding single lane, two lane road. But when you're on a multiple lane, you're on the freeway and someone's tailgating you and you're like, dude

just go around me there are other lanes and then they're like proving a point that is the scum of the earth that person is the human dumpster one thing I didn't learn in my driving class

as well was apparently nobody taught me at a young age the rules of the left lane. Oh yeah, listen up people. My first ever real experience on a freeway I was

real slow in the left lane. I didn't understand why about 25 people came blaring by me in the right lane until later now i was like oh i was breaking a rule of the road the unwritten rule of how does that rule translate over to hov like because the hov the the carpool lane is always the farthest left now is that supposed to be like the super duper fast lane? You're required to go at least as fast as the left lane. I think there's a little bit of grace there because you are special.

You have multiple people. Really? Really. An EV, yes. See, I think this is where we divert. I think you have a speed responsibility there. Yeah, I mean, you can't go. You're not going under.

You've got to go real fast. You've got to go at least as fast as the furthest left lane. That's my rule. Now, you think. I mean, I know I will be. You're carrying more weight. No, see, the way I look at it. Al agrees with me.

Completely. Is you go just slightly slower than the left lane because then should the po-po arrive, I feel like that person's going faster. They're the one who need to be pulled over for the ticket. I'm sure that's definitely how it works. I am so happy when I see someone really speeding. You know what I mean?

Because I'm like, oh, I can go faster. I am not the one they are after. So for this stretch of road, if that guy's hauling, I'm like, let's giddy up. Let's go. I get pulled over. You ever position yourself in a lane strictly out of the least convenient to pull you over? 100%. All of my driving is focused primarily on don't get pulled over, secondarily on safety.

Good. That's probably true. We're learning a lot. Next question. Would you rather live in a world where magic is real, but technology does not exist, or live in a world where technology is advanced, but magic doesn't exist?

So today? I think it's our future but it could be right now it's always the future yeah i mean technology is pretty advanced also if technology is not real but magic is real i know it breaks down this question breaks it's the same thing you just make technology with your magic right now if like you just show anyone from 30 years ago just 30 oh i know where you're going go from 30 years ago, just 30. Oh, I know where you're going. Go back 30 years and show them our tech, and they're like, you're a dark wizard.

How do you have these powers? Yeah. So technology and magic are essentially, there's a lot of similarities. If you can't understand how it works, it becomes magic, right? Yes, exactly. Here's the thing. Technology is ruled by science magic ain't you know what i mean like i want teleportation to exist uh you know there's there's some

limitations with science i think maybe they'll get their you know quantum entanglement but we're here again but probably won't happen magic heck yeah i just appar operated way over there I don't need to follow the rules of science I am a wizard you have to follow the rules of magic though yeah I mean like I feel like magic right now is following the rules of science because

undiscovered science because that's how well that's what you do people like I am using I'm using like to like like a who Copperfield we know back in the day when copperfield make giant things disappear he's using science because he's using mirrors and he's using reflective light like yes but he doesn't actually yeah he doesn't have the power of a wizard he's not really a wizard i know i know but my point is they're the same thing

here's i'm gonna i'm gonna turn this question for a second because i just brought this up with a friend and i want to know your thought on this. It blew my mind because it's so true. Let's say today you're transported from this planet, the three of us to a new planet somewhere else with the civilization, but they don't have the technology that we have. but they don't have the technology that we have. If you show up there, you're going to be able to tell them about airplanes and computers and cell phones. And you will sound like a lunatic.

And you will not be able to build them. No, not at all. And you will not be able to describe to somebody else how you even start building them. You just got to believe me. Just believe me. There's a watch on my wrist. Oh, prove it. I really can't prove it. I might draw you a picture of what the outside of it looks like.

Can you imagine knowing that and not being able to translate it? That would be frustrating. I mean, at that point, you aren't bringing any science. You are a novelist. You are, at this point jules verne of the new you're a writer that's your only gift that you're bringing to this world is storytelling because you have an imagination that they don't have but it's just based on fact i mean you basically sound like a lunatic yes you are a lunatic yes even though those things totally exist you just literally

i imagine in that world one of us we finally sit down we go all right i got my piece of paper i'm gonna i'm gonna try to put down everything i know about a plane and how it works yeah you're just you're on the side of the street shouting at people yeah we can fly i've seen it what could we do like that like i'm trying to think like okay i want that would impress someone no no no i want to help advance i could build a wheel if they didn't have a wheel. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. No, a wheel's a great invention. Yeah.

But like technology-wise. Like, for instance, the only thing my mind can even, the only thing that my mind can even like remotely consider thinking of, I still don't know anything about, which is I put a key on a kite and I fly it up and say. Like proving electricity. Proving electricity. That's like the first step. I could do the can, put the string on the can.

And do the talking through that? And then put the string on another can. Ooh, telephone. Yeah. Another can. I mean, I don't think I could make a hose. If this place, if they didn't have hoses and I'd be like, I could show you how to get water from here to there. I don't think I could make a hose if they if this place if they didn't have hoses and I'd be like I could show you how to get water from here to there I don't think I could fabricate a hose the problem

is we can't add the technology but because we're used to technology we also can't add the physical like I couldn't build a kite I'd be like I'd look if someone could build me a kite I could show you something really cool in a storm but But I can't do that. Man. We would be worthless. Yes, we would. This is where I'm saying the only thing we provide is a book. Is a story. Once upon a time.

I am an author now. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I guess my final vote would be magic because I certainly feel like it just gives you carte blanche. For sure. It's magic all the way. Would you rather have the ability to control fire but you always feel hot and uncomfortable

24-7? 24-7? Or have the ability to control water but your clothes are always soaking wet 24-7? Now, we've got to set a ground rule here. I assume you can't get gangrene. Because if your clothes are always wet

24 7 you're gonna die from that yeah yeah and you're also not gonna like get super dehydrated and sweat out with the uncomfortable aquaman is he's not he's not he will not get a he will not get moldy get or wrinkly right you get your wrinkle free no you get wrinkles i'm pretty sure there's at least 12 hours hours out the day where Jason is not wearing clothes. Yeah, that's true. There might be 12 hours of the day he's soaking wet. I mean, I usually have my undies on. But if you.

Usually? No, always. Well, I mean, I shower, you know. Okay. So it is usually. Do you ever. No, I don't ever just walk around the home a la mode. But that's not.

There's so much wrong with this. But what I was saying is you always make the joke, you talk about how you get home and then you strip. That's not a joke, but yes, go on. I talk about my process. That's my process. That's my process over results. Do you ever make a mistake?

Oh, go too far. Go too far and then give and say, well, that's a lot of work to put that back on. Well, the problem is I've got a lot of shorts now with the built-in undies. Oh. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, man, now I've got to wear shorts. Or. Oh, no.

No, I keep those on. Okay. Hot and uncomfortable control. What's the benefits of controlling fire versus water in terms of what makes them better? You're far more dangerous with fire. Far more dangerous. Are you, though? Yes.

Okay. I'm just trying to think. If you flood anything, it's over. Yeah. No. Water could be extremely powerful and dangerous, but if you have fire, I mean, I think. I assume if you're controlling fire, you also have, like, the hottest fire. Is this Human Torch versus Aquaman here?

Essentially. Well, I guess Aquaman doesn't technically control water, I don't think, does he? I never saw him. He just swims in it, right? He talks to animals. Oh. But if you can, like, I think fire. I might be Aquaman based on that skill set.

If you have unlimited fire, wouldn't you always beat water? No, I don't think so. Unlimited water beats fire. That's the way it goes. Yeah, water's going to put out fire. Fire can't catch water on fire. No, but it turns it to steam. I mean, at the worst, they neutral out.

But I think there's a lot more value to water than fire. Fire is destructive. Water can bring life. There's a drought in this city. Hey, don't worry about it. I bring the rain. Hey, it's hot on this summer day. You guys want some squirt guns from my fingers?

You can have fun with that. That is an ultimate party trick. Yeah. What am I going to do with fire other than, like, get me a candle? But don't bring me a lighter. Check this out. I mean, I feel like the fire one is legit just about power. The fire one is about you're not going to be defeated by anybody.

This is good versus evil. So water's good? Oh, water brings life i mean in the x-men movies you have pyro he becomes a bad guy and then you have uh ice man would you go around just filling up filling up the drought lakes and stuff like that oh for sure and glasses of water i would be a great waiter you know what i mean like you would just be a waiter? Oh, yeah. Someone's glass that's empty. It's like, no, it isn't. Check again.

Oh, yeah. How'd you do that? Tip me, and I'll tell you. I'll be doing the same thing, but I'll be cooking the food at the table. Hold on. Tip me, and I'll tell you. Okay, here's your big tip. How do you do it?

I have magic water powers. They're snatching their money back are you kidding me they're giving me more they're going whoa you that wasn't a big enough tip they're gonna say why are you a waiter sir because i could do this this is my secret identity yes yeah that is the secret identity and then at night at night you fight fires yes you're the ultimate firefighter. I fight fires and kill wakes. I like how you're a waiter and you didn't become a firefighter with your powers. Yeah, I mean, people are thirsty. People are thirsty. And I think we're thirsty for some misery.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Highway to Spell. highway to spell i was really hoping we could just keep asking these questions for the till the end of the show i guess if you were transported to that new planet that doesn't have the technology and they also don't spell well you also might not be able to help them that is true but they can't tell me that i spelled these words wrong this uh al i know we are very uh i don't know intelligent and such but what what grade are we starting at fifth grade all right uh and does jason begin because he's the scatter of the day uh no we do andy mike jason here yep okay yep and you were last time's winner so okay all right oh all right on board and your fifth grade level word is consonant i what consonant oh oh this is not right i am glad a consonant? Say it, Al. Consonant.

And that's like instead of a vowel? Correct. Okay. Oh, man. I don't think. I don't. Fifth grade? You lie.

I think I'm done. I think I'm done. I wrote down something that you could read and get the word consonant out of, but I don't think it's right. I mean, I've got 50 variations. I feel real good about the start. Yes. If I got the first three letters wrong, consonant.

I can tell you, I don't think I've ever written this word down in my entire life. Yeah. Even when you're learning about vowels and consonants, you don't write down the word consonant. When you are learning at a young age, are you learning vowels and consonants or are you learning vowels and consonants? I have no idea the difference of what you said. It's a consonants or consonants. Which one are you learning, Al? Can I hear that again?

Consonant. Oh, man. Consonant. I'm doomed, but I'm going to take my shot. I mean, I'm out. C-O-N-S-A-N-A-N-T-E. Not E, not T. A-N-S-A-N-A-N-T-E Not E, not T A-N-T

Oh no I was going to say I have two differences You were one letter off, you were very close C-O-N-S-A-N-A-N-T So is it E-N-T? Nope It's C-O-N-S-O-N-A-N-T. So that was my second one I wrote down.

I got it. So it is a consonant, not a consonant. Correct. Mike and I clearly got it right. I didn't have that in any of my options. I only wrote one option, and I got it wrong in two different places. That's not a fifth grade level word. I don't make the list, man.

If you had done vowel, I could have gotten it. Two L's? No. You're not officially out yet. Yeah you had done vowel, I could have gotten it. Two L's. You're not officially out yet. Yeah, that's true. You're not out. There's no way fifth grade is dishing up another consonant. Alright, Mike. Here's your fifth grade level word. Errand. That's ridiculous.

That's utterly ridiculous. I think I know. Oh, this is, come on. It's a silly word what hopefully you can get it so easy go for it i hate you i feel i don't know if you're telling the truth or if you're lying to me this is errant e r r a and d that's correct okay like a fifth grade word go on i don't know that's that's a sneaky word all right i hate this game all right not as sneaky as you know what's great mike is if I get this word

wrong, we're done with this segment. This is the best thing I could ever do is get this wrong. And the odds are decent. Yeah, pretty high. D-E-S-Z-E-N-T. These words are fully randomized, but this one is right up your alley. I think you'll be alright.

Here's your fifth grade level word. B-U-T-T. Delicious. I don't think that's a guarantee uh-oh i feel decently confident with this one uh d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s oh yeah delicious i feel like you and, you are now officially out. I feel like you give him a mulligan. I wonder if these two guys would have gotten consonant. Oh, no. I told you to run.

They said they both had it right. Yeah, I nailed it. Consonant. Go on. All right, Mike. We're moving on to sixth grade. Here is your sixth grade level word. Numerator.

Oh, there you go. That's an easy one. Really? What? That's easy. No, it's not yeah it is no okay i there's no way to get that one wrong oh i think i did it multiple ways numerator oh we have different words hold on hold on new play it again numerator numerator numerator what jason has a letter in there that just doesn't belong i mean all right numerator n-u-m-e-r-a-t-o-r yeah okay oh that's what i wrote down too he had a b in the

middle of it like number it's not a numberator i should be in this game. What are you talking about? He just wrote Numerator. You were out first word. I'm so much better than you. A Numerator? No, that's not what I wrote. My word was perfect. You and I wrote the same thing, Mike.

Don't worry about it. I mean, shout out to Numerator for being spelled exactly how it should be. Right. That's what I was thinking. It was not going to be a problem. Yeah, totally. All right, Jason. This game sucks. See if you can stay in the game. Here's what I was thinking. It was not going to be a problem. Yeah, totally. All right, Jason. This game sucks.

See if you can stay in the game. Here's your sixth grade level word. Honorable. Honorable. Okay. Come on. I think that one. Okay, you got this one.

Okay, honorable. Honorable. The honorable judge, Jason Moore, spells it H-O-N-E-R-A-B-L-E, and Andy's eyes said I got that wrong. Okay. How do you spell honor? That's a great question. Oh, my gosh. It's O-R.

What an idiot. What an idiot. Yes. I wrote honorable. Oh, man. I'm so stupid. Oh, man. Honor is O-R.

I think that segment was about three minutes long. Yeah. H-O-N-O-R-A-B-L-E. At least I corrected myself. Congratulations, Mike. After he asked how do you spell honor. Right. I do have a question for you.

Congrats, Mike. You're amazing. Thank you. What's the highest grade level word you have available to you right now? 12th grade. And we just were in sixth. Is there a chance that we can each do a 12th grade? Yeah, let's go.

Bonus round. One bonus round here. I'm going to rock this. All right. Here, Andy, is your 12th grade level words. Borborygmus. Yes! Oh, my goodness.

I don't know that word. Is that borborygmus? That is the word. Wait, say it again. It says it's intestinal rumbling caused by moving gas. Oh, I got borborygmus all the time. Wait, wait, wait. I want to hear the word one more time.

Borborygmus. Borborygmus will not be spelled correctly. Borboryg. Borborygmus.-i-g-m-o-u-s you were close but is it borbarigmus no it's just m-u-s it is just-U-S, but it's also a Y. Oh. So it's B-O-R-B-O-R-Y-G-M-U-S. Oh, no one's ever getting that. B-O-R-B-O-R-Y. Y.

Y. Borb-er-ig-mus. Okay. Why is that a Y? Yeah. Because it's a 12th grade word. Today is not my day. Let's see if either of you guys know your 12th grade word.

Mike, here's your 12th grade level word. Skipper key. Skipper word. Skipper key. Skipper what? Skipper key. Any breed of a Belgian breed of small, stocky, black, tailless dogs with a foxy head and heavy coat. Skipper key? Skipper key. Skipper key.

This is impossible. Dad, Jason is sharing his notes with me. And he is making some stuff up with the language. We're going to skip a key. We're going to spell it out with sounds, everybody. S-K-I. I wouldn't do that. No help.

Go ahead. S-K-I-P-P-E-R-K-E-E. You were not as far off as I thought, but it is S-C-H-I-P-P-E-R-K-E. All right, Jason Stern. All right. Jason, this would be the ultimate. Yeah, I'm going to dunk on you fools. You spell honor and you spell.

You spell. Ichthyosaur. One more time, please. Ichthyosaur. Ichthyosaur? Ichthyosaur. I actually know that any of an order of extinct marine reptiles of the mesozoic specialized for aquatic like if the one more time play it one more time

ichthyosaur ichthyosaur i'm gonna i want to give it a go if he fails ichthyosaur all right oh wait I-C-T-H-I-O-S-A-U-R. It's an E-O. It is I-C-H-T-H-Y-O-S-A-U-R. I forgot you said you wanted to give it a shot. I'm sorry, but Andy does have it written down correctly. All right, so we're all winners. Yeah. Oh, it's time to draft. What was Andy's first?

Borborygmus. Borbory's first? Borborygmus. Borborygmus? Borborygmus. Let me see. Yeah, Borborygmus. I got to get that in the vernacular. I like that word. You feel like after a bad meal, you get a little Borborygmus.

Mike's using this just to add to the vocabulary. I like it. All right, we are drafting. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are... From spelling to tools. We are drafting the best tools. And we are in our wheelhouses today. Which, look, to be fair,

if we were transported to that other planet that we talked about earlier, and they didn't have any tools, our odds of being able to make some of them would go up. There are some things I think we could figure out. We could create a couple tools, yes. We could create a couple of tools.

Is a stick a tool? Of course. To a chimpanzee. Is a stick a tool? Of course. All right, I can create it. To a chimpanzee. To a chimpanzee? Chimpania. All right, so. You got the first pick. I got the first pick here.

I'm going to go with, I think, the most useful. It's the 101. Well, there's two. There's the best tool. I think there are two to me. There's a 101 and a 102. But the best tool, and I think you are thinking of something that I would put third. But I think it's the most commonly used tool that I use.

It's not common tools. It's best tools. Well, that's what makes it the best to me. What makes it the best is that this speeds up my life. It's utility. You can use it for a lot of different things. It's a power drill. Yes.

Yeah. It's the best tool. It's the best tool. Is that the best tool? Yeah. A drill is the best tool. I can screw things in with any number of bits. I mean, you should see my collection of...

It's just incredible. How many times have you re-bought new bits when you already had the other bits? Just because you didn't put them back right. Or do you put your bits back correctly? I do put my bits back. I've got like a case of like 700 bits. And you just put them back every time? I do.

I'm bad at that. Which is shocking for me. I'm bad at that. So that's the number one? Oh, yeah. The drill? For sure. Yeah.

And then there's a 102 to me. Anytime you're doing a project on anything and you go down to wherever the tools are, well, I need the drill. Now listen. No matter what I'm doing, I'm going to use the drill. The drill's pretty frequently used, but it's not as fun to use. It's not as wieldy as my number one pick. Okay.

That I think, you know, if I'm grabbing a tool, this is the one I picture in my number one pick okay that i think you know if i'm grabbing a tool this is the one i picture in my head i'm grabbing first okay and if i had one i'd use it in the morning and the evening oh yeah i'm taking this all over the land i'm taking a hammer i'm taking a hammer yeah that was the that was the one i thought mike was talking about that would have been my third it's a very practical yeah yeah no i'm taking a hammer. Yeah. That was the one I thought Mike was talking about that would have been my third. It's a very practical tool. Yeah. No, I'm taking the hammer. They come in all shapes and sizes.

I'm going hammer. Yeah. It's number two on my list. Okay. All right. Behind the drill. All right. All right.

How do you mean? It's a bummer to be third in this best tool draft. What a loser. We've got cool tools like a drill. So I'm going to start with... I'm going to go with... You've got to do some cutting sometimes. I'm going to take a utility knife.

Okay. A utility knife. Now, would you like to call it a razor blade for the purposes of this draft? Or are you going to stick with utility knife? I feel like razor blade infers shaving. Yeah, utility knife feels more tool based. Yeah. There's the same thing, but.

Al? Yeah, I would stick with utility knife if I were you. Interesting. I've always called it a razor blade. Really? To me, a razor blade is like a single-edged blade that is handheld. Not one of the ones that goes into a

utility knife. Yeah, you put the razor blade into the utility knife. Exactly. Then it becomes a utility knife. Okay. Okay, I'm going to search. I mean, I could have called it a box cutter, but then... I just thought razor blade sounded cooler. It sounds cooler, but for a tool, it's got to be utility knife. I would like to be utility i would like

to be a whole you're good a handle not the the razor blade right yeah because you're right the razor blade is just yeah they're tiny i think you're holding the handle of the drill too aren't you yeah for sure yeah all right so you got utility knife handles are very handy yeah all right choosing handles for handles for my next pick. Oh, man. The 102 is still there. What? Yeah.

You dummy. What? The number two? Oh, for sure. Is it? Is it a tape measure? Oh, it is not. But I do like a good tape tape measures on the list all right well i'm your second pick i'll pick it i'll pick it anyways i would hope so okay then is it well i

didn't say i pick it i was just throwing out things i was gonna see how you reacted yeah give me a utility knife and tape measure okay that that's good i i um how long is this i'll let you know i don't want to go to the to the like spider-man yeah and then like you get the cool retracting thing retracting time i use so you know we are known tool guys yes yes we're far and wide we do so many tools tool projects um all the time that's what i call them. I call them my tool projects. But I actually use a tape measure probably more often than others. Yes. Mostly to measure my kids.

That's one of my tool projects. from the old busted, like just an old-fashioned tape measure to one where on the bottom it has it so you can like, you don't just have to use the click button to stop the retraction. You're saying that it has the built-in stop? Well, just mine on the bottom, I can actually touch. You can like squeeze the whole thing. Yeah, I can touch the tape and not have to worry about the lever to fully stop the retraction. I do feel like it takes some nuance to be a good tape measurer.

Yes. And I always think I'm going to grab it and measure something really quick and easy and perfect, and then it becomes unwieldy or it bends. Or I'm not exactly sure what that line means because in my head I don't know that it's 5-8ths or whatever the heck it is. Our imperial system measuring is horrifically bad but watching someone who is a

real tool person watching them with a tape measure and they're just measuring they can measure 40 feet up without that tape measure bending I can't go to whatever my ceiling is. If I want to see what my ceiling is, I have to get on a ladder and hold the top of the

tape measure up there. That's the only way. So I'm not. My second pick after Hammer. I can't take the inferior version of Jason's drill. The manual. I can't do it. I know.

That's why the drill is the best. Which is why. But sometimes you need it. I'm going to pivot to. I'm going do it. I know. That's why the drill is the best. Which is why. But sometimes you need it. I'm going to pivot to a flashlight. Oh, man. Oh, that's a good tool. It's not even on my list. I'm going to take a flashlight.

Now, I don't know if that's obviously not Jason's number two. No, that's not my number two. No way. No, that's a good pick, though. It's very useful. The things I grab, that's up there. And the things I grab, that's up there. Now, do you have a head torch?

I have not moved into that realm. Is that what they call it, a head torch? Not just like a headlamp? It's a headlamp. I don't know. A real tool person. Yeah, I would go with headlamp. Headlamp.

Headtorch is way cooler, though. Now, do you strap one of those on? I have one. You have one? I have used it. I was going to ask you, did you those on? I have one. You have one? I have used it. I was going to ask you, did you use it? I have used it before. Very handy. Yeah.

Because here's the thing. When it's dark and you just look at something, it's not dark anymore. We are the worst three people on planet Earth for this draft. We are being exposed right now i am buying what are you talking about the best tools as we speak right this minute because you mentioned that i am buying a black light head torch oh black light you're going scorpion on because why do i hold this thing while i'm scorpion honey? You just look. You need two hands to fight off them scorpions.

I want two hands for the sprays, man. Oh, yeah. You got to get two sprays. Dual wielding. You should buy yourself a regular headlamp as well while you're at it. They're very handy. Okay. What's a headlamp?

Yeah. You ever heard of a head torch? Which one do you want? All right. So I went with flashlight. Jason, you said that- Dude, the 102 is right there because this is the best. The best. Oh, I know what it is. I'm getting a chainsaw, you said that. The 102 is right there because this is the best. The best.

Oh, I know what it is. I'm getting a chainsaw, baby. Okay. I can chop down a tree. Wow. I can kill a man. You know what I mean? Do you have a chainsaw? I do own a chainsaw. Andy, do you

have a chainsaw? I don't. Yeah, I don't have a chainsaw. Al, do you have a chainsaw? I don't. Yeah, I don't have a chainsaw. Al, do you have a chainsaw? I do. Jason, have you ever used your chainsaw? I have never used my chainsaw. I would be shocked. Battery powered or gas? It is battery powered. So you've never used it? Some Makita. You've never used it? No. It has

been used. Not by me. Of all the things you're running through of like, these are the cool things I can do with a chainsaw, not listed was hurt myself. Oh, yeah, that's not cool. Because that is why I don't own a chainsaw. Well, that's why I don't use a chainsaw, Mike.

I'm very intimidated. I think if I used a chainsaw, I would die. You wouldn't have 10 fingers. No way. No way. Like, I got to stop this thing. I grab it. Got to stop this thing. Just grab it? Got to stop it from spinning.

Okay, so chainsaw was not what I thought you were going to take. It's not on my list. Not on your list? Man, you guys have some wimpy tools over there. I actually do. Yeah. Just wait. All right.

There's a couple things here. There's one that is very important to me. I probably won't draft because you'll make fun of me. You're balanced out with your really macho chainsaw, though. Yeah. Look, I'm going with another really useful thing. I use it not so much for building and for tools. What do you mean another really useful thing?

You've never used your previous pick ever. No, but the drill. I'm saying the drill is super useful. I'm going back to really useful thing? You've never used your previous pick ever. No, but the drill. I'm saying the drill is super useful. I'm going back to the useful stuff. You're going back to useful. I'm going back to useful, which are pliers. Pliers are, like, I don't use it to build things, but I, you know, if I can, like. I don't think a lot of people are using pliers to build.

That's fair. But, like, to grab things. Yeah, you don't use them. With a lot of strength are using pliers to build. That's fair. But like to grab things. Yeah, you don't use them. With a lot of strength. That's what I use pliers for. When my fingers aren't strong enough. Yeah, I use pliers because they're so strong that I can grab them. And my pliers, you can slide them, make them wider.

Oh, yeah. You can make them close all the way. Oh, but that's. Is that a. Those are pliers? Oh, yeah. Yeah, those are real pliers. Not needle nose.

We're talking about the kind that move. The one where it has. I don't know. Like a plumber's tool? What's the thing in the middle called that somehow makes it go wider? Yeah. What you're talking about, Jason? I don't know how to work that thing.

No, you can't settle in on the right sides the first time. You gotta go five or six times. Once the pliers are... Oh, yes, you're totally right. And you can't ever get the right notch. No. You try 20 times and you're like, how do you do it? Once they're at the widest, they're done.

I have to go buy a new pair of pliers. Those are never closing again. We are such amazing men. Hey hey send us to that planet oh wait am i picking yeah you're up oh boy um cool oh and it's got the little you know the the grippy part with the handles no like the grippy part in the middle? Yeah, the jaws. You know what I mean? The little teeth. Stop describing pliers. Yeah, my pliers are so good. Oh, my gosh.

It's got a rubber handle. I'm plying all over. Yeah. I'm going to grab stuff so strong. I'm going to make it easy. My third pick is going to be a saw. Okay. Nice.

I got a chainsaw. That's the one that I thought you meant was the 102 that had been forgotten because I was racking my brain for what hadn't been picked. But just a good old saw. I'm not going to hurt myself with that as easily. You got any chain on that? No chain. What a loser. So there you go. Mike, you are back

up with some more man tools. No. Maybe not considered the the manliest the bell of the yeah tool ball uh but it my life really elevated once i made the change to i have to wire strippers no no that's what the needle and pliers are for okay no i got my own set of hex keys oh and i was no longer reliant on ikea uh-huh and i'm keeping thousands of the exact same size allen wrench i i have my own now i got my own set now can i ask you a question i saved up my money about your hex key set. Do you have two? Metric and Imperial? Yes. Yes, you need both.

Now, is it all contained in one device? Because I've got one that... Oh, like a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, like a Swiss Army knife? No, mine are all... You plug them all in. Oh, enjoy losing those. I haven't yet.

Okay. I have, and I've bought Allen key sets 10 times. Those are way more valuable than they should be, though. Because you're 100% right. All the little tiny ones that come with whatever you have to build that are stupid, throw those. What's amazing is that you will only lose the ones that you will future need on those sets. You'll find the set. I think the reason why.

You'll find three or four sets, and it will all be missing the same one that you need right then I think the reason why is because you actually only need one there's only one size that is commonly used but we gotta sell more how can we sell more just make them every size that's a pretty sneaky little late round pick there Allen Wrenches and Mike you gotta close it down

I will close it down jokes aplenty of course but it's a good old fashioned stud finder very useful when I'm trying to find a stud you can't just knock on the wall

oh goodness I've used stud finders and still miss the stud what a great tool I found out that it was just I don't know what was going on because I showed my wife I mounted a TV like a month ago and it's like, it's beeping. And so I start doing it. We just go right in the drywall and I'm like, hold on. At that point, do you start doing the

testing? You just start doing it an inch over. And I mean, I eventually got there, but I brought my stud finder back and you know, so it, it it has the little light that pops on the top. It's pointing directly at my hole saying, there's a stud back there, and there was no stud. That's the problem with stud finders. They're a little faulty. When that TV comes down- Wait, you didn't eventually find it? No, I got it. But no, I'm saying if some-

It must be a stud. When I pulled the TV down, there's probably 20 holes in that wall. When I was growing up down, there's probably 20 holes in that wall. When I was growing up, that was the method. It was take a nail, plunge it in, and move over a quarter inch until you find the edge of a stud. Now, all the time you

save tailgating, I save without doing the tailgating. I just get right in there. Yeah, get in there. Very nice. So you have a utility knife, a tape measure, Allen wrenches, and a stud finder. I have a hammer, a flashlight, and a saw, and I was about to take a different pick, and I thought of something that, let's be honest, it's just a better tool. It's duct tape.

Okay. It's duct tape. That is upsetting because I messaged Owl at the beginning of the draft oh baby i said is this considered a tool and i never got a response so i figured it was off the list i see that now i apologize i did not see that but tremendous pick because because duct tape is the ultimate tool for any man who does not know how to use tools. It's in my tool bag. Yeah. I'm duct taping everything.

I mean- My broken shoe, duct tape. I mean, literally, I was bringing some milk back from the cabin that had been opened. Was there a- I used so much duct tape to keep the lid closed for the drive home. Wow. I just kept going around tape to keep the lid closed for the drive home. Wow. I just kept going around the top of the milk. Just kidnapping that milk.

Yes. You are. Yes. Also, along the lines, how old were you when you found out it is, in fact, not duct tape? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was in my 20s. I was a full-grown adult.

It didn't help that I think somebody did make a duct tape. Yes, they did. There's a duct tape brand. That was brilliant marketing. Everyone just calls it duct tape, but it is duct tape. At my last house, we were putting things up for some party, ran out of the painter's tape style stuff. We used little pieces of duct tape, hung these things. Oh, no.

The paint was gone. Yeah. I mean, that really just ruined the walls because the duct tape's like, that paint belongs to me now. So we left. There was one piece that was egregious. And we decided it looks better with duct tape. So we left the duct tape on, and that was great.

Nice. All right, Jason, you have a final pick. I've got a real tool and then one that is near and dear to my heart, and I am going to go with the real tool because I don't want to get made fun of. I'm going with a six, we'll call it five foot long level. I love large. You can just take the level. No, I want a big one.

Five feet is a huge level. You're going to not use that hardly ever. No, that's the one I use all the time. I use it all the time. But you shouldn't. I like to see Jason hanging a picture on the wall with a 5-foot level. Maybe it's 4 feet. It's this wide. How wide is that?

That's probably 4 feet. Unfortunately, you drafted a 5-foot level. Even better. I don't think so. Every time I'm hanging stuff, it's like... Do you use that? Yeah, I use it all the time. When I'm hanging pictures and things, it's...

How big are these pictures? I'm going gonna give you one more chance to change it to a level oftentimes often i might go six foot level here i mean what if we went to his house after giving him this grief and he's hanging the biggest pictures you've ever seen it's not one picture it's when you're hanging multiple and you want them to all be in a line and so i like being able to like draw on the wall a lot of collages i've got multiple children i don't just hang one picture this is my favorite i feel like the tool for that would be a laser level that would have been a good pick uh do i have a chance to go laser currently at

six foot level seven seven seven foot is? I'll take seven foot level. That's fantastic. The other one that is near and dear to me. That you didn't take. That I didn't take are knee pads. Oh, good old man pick. Old man tool that is clutch. When you got to get down there under a sink, if I don't have a pad. It's underrated.

Under those knees. It's underrated. I ain't doing it. Every time I work on my pool equipment, I wish I had knee pads, and I've never bought them. I have now. Or a knee pad. A knee pad is the way to go.

That's where I was going to go. You know what? I'm buying a knee pad. Dude, you've got to buy a knee pad. Right now. It is so great. And you can use a knee pad in so many more ways than you wear, like, the strap-on knee pads.

Those are bunk. Those are worthless compared to the big pad that you can lay on. Because I could put you, hey, you got to lay on your back under a sink. You know, and get that wood dragging into your back. No, put that knee pad down there and lay down on it. Just take a nap under that sink. Owl has put in his waiver wire picks because Owl knows tools. We've drafted none of them?

He put four tools on the list. Before you read them. But I'm going to tell you, there's four on the list. I know what two of them are. So let me see. You see his list because I don't see it. I got it. So Owl said.

Hold on. Oh, you want to go? I'm going to try to guess them. Okay. The ones that I'm guessing that are not on the... Circular saw? Is that one of them? It was on my list, but it didn't make my four.

Jigsaw? That is one of them. Yes. Okay. Okay. That's it. Nail gun. Nail gun?

It's got to be a ratchet. Nail gun? Brad Nailer's on my list. A ratchet wrench. Yeah. Socket wrench is on my list. What is... What nail gun would have been on my list?

Oh, we know how to we know how to pander to the to the tool heads out there but we didn't do that so for those at home that don't know what is a brad nailer oh yeah it's just a nail gun yeah why would you not call it a nail gun because a brad nailer is like finishing nails for like putting up molding and and floorboards they're the nails that have like heads on the inside. Oh, okay. And then an oscillating tool. Is this a fan? It is not a fan. A fan, it should be an oscillating tool.

Like a little Dremel tool? Kind of. A lot of people call it multi-tools or oscillating tools. Why are we making up all these words? You could put a sanding head on it. You could put a saw head on it. They're really versatile tools. It spins kind of like a drill. You can put different sanding head on it. You can put a saw head on it. They're really versatile tools. This is just a world. So it spins kind of like a drill.

You can put different heads on it. It almost vibrates back and forth more than, but it's in an oscillating pattern. You can cut out holes out of wood that way. You can do a ton of stuff with them. They're great. Now, this is like your world of music, Mike. Only it's just a different, there's layers here. This is magic.

Your layers end at Studfinder. This is magic. Yeah. Yes. All right. That is magic. Your layers end at stud finder. This is magic. Yes. All right. That is it. What did we learn? What did we learn today? Go for it.

Fellas, I'm about to eat a buffalo chicken. Oh, how are you feeling? I haven't had it yet, but I expect later I'm going to have some. Oh, I can't read my writing. Bor-bor? Bor-bor-gurus? Bor-bor-gurus. A bor-ur-gur. Bor-bor-gig-mus. Bor-gor-gur-gur-gur-gur-gur-gur.

What's the word? I think it's bor-bor-gig-mus. Bor-bor-gig-mus. You learned that so well, Mike. Bor-bor-gig-mus. Bor-bor-gig-mus. I learned that Jason either hangs giant pictures or multiple pictures at all times. And I learned that science

is very limiting whereas magic is unlimited. Nice. Thank you for hanging around for this episode of the Spitballers podcast. Tell your friends. Check out jointhespit.com if you want to submit your ideas for the show. Until next time

Andy, Mike and Jason, Al and the Judge Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast us for the show. Until next time, Andy, Mike, and Jason, Al and the judge, goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out