Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 241: Backup Blood & A Brand Mascot Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

On this episode, find out what hypothetical situation has us searching for the bathroom in our own house and singing to our cell phones. We also discuss never sweating again and arguing with our vehicles. Then we draft brand mascots to fight each other to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ding dong, bing bong, hey now, brown cow banana. A ding dong, bing bong, hey now, brown cow banana. Sometimes confidence is all you need. Welcome in. Excited to be here.

I got to end on a banana. That was pretty good. Always can go with the fruit if you don't. Don't slip. Yeah. I mean, you need a solid you don't. Don't slip. Yeah. I mean, you need a solid ending. Vegetables don't work as well. Oh.

Yeah. I've tried it before in private. Okay. A cucumber. No, see what I mean? Yeah. It's parsley. No, it doesn't work. All right.

Welcome into the spitballers. A strawberry? You could end on that. Give it a go. That's a lot of syllables, Jason. I mean, give it a try. Welcome in, one and all. Would you rather?

That's a great question. In a battle royale draft today, I'm going to wait a moment to tell you what it is, in case you didn't read the description on the episode. It's a secret. We're here. We're battling once again in the draft and we have some good questions for today's show how are you gentlemen doing sorry i'm doing well but sometimes al comes in with with really good insights i disagree and this one was

you you were claiming that strawberry is too many syllables, but you went with banana. Yeah, banana. It flows. Strawberry. That's stupid. Well, if you say it like that. Well, how would you do it? Strawberry. No, no.

Like sing song it. Strawberry. That's not bad. Seems pretty easy. Maybe. I don't know. Banana feels like it's got three exclamation points on the end of it. Because they're all ah.

Or I guess it's ba, ba, na, na. You get the double na, na in there. Some fruits have a better flow. It's a common, I mean, everybody knows this. But syllables is not what I should have gone with, I guess. Thank you. Now we're an accurate podcast. Correct it. Let's get it going.

Let's get it going. Accurate podcast. Correct it. Let's get it going. Would you rather? I would. All right. Luke from the website.

Would you rather live in a house that completely changes its layout every two hours? Oh, man. Where's the freaking bathroom? There's something exciting about that. Or live in a house that is only lit by perpetual candles that never burn out. So wait. So you're back into the. What does perpetual mean?

Just forever. Yeah. That's what it means? Yes. Oh, so like. Perpetual motion. In Harry Potter, they go into the Great Hall and there's the candles that are floating there. And they're just. Perpetually.

And if they. In perpetuity. If those candles had gone out in Harry Potter, there would have been constant dripping of wax down on the children. You ever think about that? I have not thought about that, but that is a real danger. That's a hazard. I mean, if they're just eating breakfast in the morning

candlelight and then just wax everywhere. It's not even if they burn out. It's just if they were not magic. If they were only floating candles. Just floating candles. They would be dripping so much wax. I mean, they'd be eating wax. Into their food.

Their arms would just be scarred by wax. So many shrieks during lunch. I mean, if you had. You can't make me eat, dear. You can't make me eat in the Great Hall. I think people like candles. Oh, yeah. And they put them up now as a novelty,

and the real problem is that they do go out and they can burn your house down. And they're not very bright. Yeah. But if you had enough perpetual candles, not bright enough? No. What about an LED candle?

You're going to be vibing. I mean, nonstop vibes, set in the mood. But if you're trying to... Read? Yeah. That's why there is a phrase, read by candlelight, because it's nearly impossible. But didn't most books in the world get written by candlelight? I think they wrote them in the daytime.

Okay. They wrote them by the sunlight. They were daytime books. Wait, they had the in the date. Okay. They wrote them by the sunlight. They were daytime books. Wait, they had the sun back then? Yeah. The perpetual sun. If the house changed its layout. Now, genuinely what matters to me on this one is simple.

Is the layout entirely random or is it like going through some like sweet interior design AI? Cause if I'm getting a new layout, but it's nice, that could be exciting to me. Although I will be tripping and falling and stubbing my toe and all of that. Would there be excitement? Like you wake up in the morning and you don't know what's outside.

You got a tinkle, your door. I mean, you, you, you go and you open the bathroom layout changes. Oh, absolutely. The whole house. There may not open the bathroom. Layout changes. Oh, absolutely. The whole house.

There may not be a bathroom. The toilet's moving all over the place. I think we got to at least have a bathroom. You might open that door and your daughter's sleeping in there. Oh, because it could be her bedroom. It could be the kitchen. So wait, do I potentially wake up in a different room myself? I don't think so.

That's the layout of the room. You'll wake up in your daughter be moved. You'll wake wake up in your bedroom but it might be in a different place than it was when you went to sleep that's what i mean well if your daughter was asleep in her room she moved along with her room yes the layout changes so so you're looking at it from the room i'm looking at from the furniture i see what you yeah they're not doing a rearranging of the oh that's not what it is no they're the layout of the home changes. The hallways. I was only thinking furniture. I was doing both. If I'm just

if the rooms are all the same, but they're just moved around, that's dumb. I think that's the point. I don't want that. But, I mean, imagine you could wake up and you just have a really, really long house that's just rooms, room to room to room

here's one of the hallways i had a house like that did you yeah for sure a tube house i had a tube house it was built in the 70s and then they added on to it but they just kept it was like once upon a time a small house and and then they were like well i don't want a small house i want a big house they want a long house so they just kept building rooms on, and it really was like that. Like in a row. There were rooms that you had to get to by going through another room. No. Yeah, for real.

I actually saw- How is that allowed? This is almost an is this real life thing, but I saw a picture of a city. It was like in Switzerland or something, but the whole principle of the city was that everybody lives on the same single street, and seems like a bad idea it's like 10 000 people or something on one street street and every house don't play soccer in the street every house is narrowly placed on its plot because then you can fit them in a row and they go back like that they they're long and they get built long ways away so what is the i is the advance away from the street?

So Bazaar Town, where all 6,000 residents live on the same street. It is in, according to CSO Poland, so maybe it's in Poland? What is this town? Switzerland, Poland, what's the difference? I mean, to us, not very much. Yes, I got the picture of it, and obviously I'm going to send it through the podcast here. Beep boop. What is this? It's real real who did this what i'm looking at i mean this is a funny goop you might need to

pause this podcast and just go google these pictures this was built on purpose what if you live at the end i mean that's the dream maybe it is it yeah no one's driving by you but the commute to get home that's true i mean how many houses away does it like your knowledge of what's going on over there just stop is it like like 50 houses down like i'm never going over there that's too far it's way before 50 you gotta admit it it looks amazing though right i mean it it looks wild and what do they do if one guy's like no i'm i'm building this i'm building over here do they i mean they kick them out i mean have these they've never heard of a cul-de-sac everyone wants to live on the cul-de-sac i'm just super concerned about traffic that would be yes i mean you've got 6,000

people that live on this street how is traffic how could it possibly be bad because one accident and this town is shut down well that part is true how it's bad but you're not actually going to any of these other houses you're just driving by them all the bad thing is let's say you live uh in the middle just in the middle okay that means there are 3 000 people on your street that have to come home every day no that's true i mean that's insane yeah i mean they so look so to answer the original question no i would not want to live in poland on this long street the quotes coming out of it are they're in very in favor of it the only reason it popped into my head is because i feel like if you wanted to expand your house you can't go left and right you gotta go stockholm you gotta go long These backyards. Because they're in Stockholm.

They're very close to you. So anyways, we're back to the question. The candlelight. I like the mood. I'm going with that one. Yeah. I actually think the candlelight could be pretty cool. I mean, I don't read.

So that checks. It's not just reading. Like your house is so. It's only nighttime that matters. But it's going to be so dim no daytime the sun thing i'm talking about at night yeah but at night in the winter when the sun goes down at 5 p.m how much do you keep your lights on at night mike when you go don't you watch tv at night i go into the kitchen at night like i said in the winter if you're eating at 6 p.m and you're trying

to cook it's going to be okay okay okay Okay, okay, okay. It's going to be super dark. Real important question here. When I open my refrigerator- I was thinking the same thing. Is there a light in there? Nope, it's a candle. But there is a candle in there. There is a candle in there.

Oh, wait. Maybe not. I don't know. No, you'd be holding one. Yeah, you have a hat where it shoots down over your face. Yes, you do. And your old pajamas. And I hold the thing that looks like Aladdin's lamp

that has the candle, and I carry that around. See, this is now the biggest problem, is I want to see the food in my refrigerator. You don't need to see it. You'll grab whatever's in there. Mystery box. Hmm. You're probably right.

All right, that's my answer, candle. I'm going to take the candles, too. I want to be able to go to the bathroom the candles too i don't i want to be able to go to the bathroom where i want to go you want to be able to find it yeah yeah that's the able to be like i i need to go to the bathroom and i and it's right there every day you'd be searching for your bathroom when you got to go and not just once because i don't it's every two hours every two hours so every time every time you have to go to the bathroom it's usually at least a two-hour gap it's an actual hunt for a toilet every time. Every time you have to pee. Every time you have to go to the bathroom, it's usually at least a two-hour gap. It's an actual hunt for a toilet every time.

Every single time. When you have the guest over. Where's the restroom? Where's the bathroom? I don't know. I have no idea. Why don't you go find it? Just explore.

And that's another huge problem. We have guests over, right? We're cleaning feverishly to get the house good, which means every last ounce of clutter just gets thrown in our bedroom, and that door might as well be locked, sealed, shut, closed up, and boarded. It is off limits. You cannot go there. But in this world, it would be like you might open a door, find it. The front door might be right to my master bedroom.

All have to be in my house at all times. You're going to be opening doors left and right just looking for everything. Imagine having a bathroom time. And then, you know, where you're running back and forth. And then the switch happens. Oh, no. In between runs. And also, you're not getting away with not locking the door on the bathroom

because everyone here, they've got to open every door. They don't know that that's the bathroom. There will be times you start going to the bathroom, and when you open the door to leave the bathroom, you're in a different place. That's true. I guess I'm taking the candles because that's too difficult. All right, Daniel from the website would you rather be told you are stronger than you look or that you look stronger than you are

at first i was like oh that's really nice but then that's really not nice you're stronger than you look it's a backhanded compliment stronger than you look is definitely saying you don't look strong yeah right yes or or you could look is definitely saying you don't look strong. Right, yes. Or you could look strong, but then you could be able to do something that an even stronger person could do. Or that you look stronger than you are. Clearly my answer to this is

regardless of each one I would pick, I don't want to be doing a lot of physical labor in general. Therefore, I would rather look strong and avoid. But you'll be asked to do things. But I will avoid it. And then you have to tell them, I'm actually weak.

Easy. My back hurts or something. You know what I mean? Or I'll pay for someone to do that for you. The other one is. Sounds like you're. The other one, you're going to have to volunteer to do heavy things all the time just to prove that you're strong. It seems actually like you have already volunteered these people are figuring out this information based upon your

performance right so they're saying oh you know when you're when you're helping them move and you're really struggling with your side of the couch they're gonna say oh you it is more you look stronger than that i was gonna say it really would be more shameful of a feeling if you look all yoked out. And then they ask you to carry a simple box of something and you are struggling with it. That is more shameful than the other one. The other one, you're just impressing them. Well, now, again, this is not necessarily saying that you are weak and don't look, you know, this is what people are assuming about you. You don't have super strength, but you look not weak.

You're still regular. This is just, what do you think is nicer to hear? Stronger than you look, for sure. Let me try it out on you. Yeah, go for it. Okay. Okay, you just did something, and I'm going to tell you, you are stronger than you look.

We don't have to try this out, but yeah, thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, or, oh, you look stronger don't have to try this out but yeah thank you thank you i appreciate that okay or oh you look stronger than you are that's that's why i said we don't oh yeah you have a try it out was was proof the proof was in the pudding the trying that you so glad we tried it oh i wouldn't have got it i'm that is a sick burn that's as sick as it gets you need to keep that in your back pocket if you ever want to get someone she's like oh man you look stronger than you are because it is so backhanded you're straight up saying what

a weakling but you are saying they look yeah oh man you look stronger than you are so is that what you were doing with the push-up thing without uh no i think he was getting the opposite, right? I think Owl is stronger than he looks. All right. Well, I think we know what we're doing there. Benjamin. Oh, man. Benjamin from Patreon. Join the spit.com.

Supporting the show. Has a question. Would you rather have a cell phone that never runs out of battery, but can only make and receive calls and texts? So you have a cell phone that never runs out of battery, but can only make and receive calls and texts. All right, so you have a dumb phone. Or you have a fully featured smartphone. I mean, don't they call that just a Nokia? Pretty much.

Or have a fully featured smartphone that has a battery that lasts 10 minutes per charge. This part's ridiculous, but can be fully recharged by quietly singing Rock-A-Bye Baby to it. What? Okay. I thought we were good at the 10 minutes per charge. Yeah. But I can quickly...

Rock-A-Bye Baby. And you'd be doing that all day. I would be really trying not to use my phone because I don't want to do that very often. 10 minutes is nothing. It's nothing. 10 minutes is unusable. I'm now picturing you have to... Do you have to rock it too?

No, but you have to sing to it. And if someone stumbles upon you as you're singing quietly Rock-A-Bye Baby into your phone. And I'm going to put in there, you have to sing it straight through. If you stop in the middle, you got to start over to recharge that battery. So if someone catches you singing it. You might know the whole song. Oh, come on. Rock-A-Bye Baby.

Let's hear it. Okay, hold up. All right, let me try. Rock-A-Bye Baby in the treetop. When the bell breaks, the cradle will drop. Yes. That's all I know. I don't know.

I thought it was when the wind blows. When the wind blows. Oh, okay. So, no, I don't know. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bell breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby cradle and all. Which is my phone's charge.

My phone is dead. Which also. He's singing all these crazy lyrics in the corner of the room. He can't figure it out. Why won't you charge? He can't charge the phone. He's just singing different songs. Thank you for highlighting my point of you're like singing crazy lyrics.

Marietta, let's land. Why do we sing this song to children? These are just not important questions. I'm saying you're singing this lullaby hey let me sing you all in the cadence man i know but i'm singing a song for you for my my precious sweet baby to fall asleep because it might fall out of a tree and die look i got bad news for you two gentlemen oh no is there there's more there are more verses yeah but no one knows the second it's like yankee doodle there's a second verse if you can nail the second verse do you get like 20

minutes on the phone do either of you can either of you no idea muster up a word of the next so this is after the baby has fallen uh from the tree of which we placed it in a in a cradle yeah uh down will come baby cradle and all rockabye-a-bye baby, gently you swing. Over the cradle, mother will sing. How nice. Sweet is the lullaby. Mom's in the tree, too. Over your nest that tenderly sings my baby to rest. I don't know.

Are these birds? Are these birds? Probably. Well, they don't have cradles. That's fair. But they're just calling their nest a cradle. High from the rooftops. Oh, there's more.

Down to the sea. No one's as dear as baby to me. Wee little hands, eyes shiny and bright, now sound asleep until morning light. These verses are fine. Rock-a-bye, baby, on the treetop. When the bough blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby cradle

and all okay so we're gonna read we're at a reprint yeah yeah yeah what those those other two verses are nice why are we singing about the cradle falling and crashing to this doom you want to know why we did that mike it's because the world was a harsh terrible place a long time ago just getting them all of our songs were about prepping them up i think it's my number one go-to song for my entire life from my own dad to my kids that is still the go-to is you are my son oh that's not a good song and it's not oh no don't don't ruin it for me but like i'm just saying the end of that song is like the lyrics get uh they go to a dark place but i'm saying like you are my sunshine but the end of it is like don't take my sunshine away yeah no you should you should keep going and i'm just like i'm thinking that's telling them that you know

the world's a tough place the uh the civil wars did a version of that song it's beautiful and you're like oh i don't I don't need none of this. I don't need you pooping on my song. I'm not. I'm just... You'll never know how much I love you. I'm red-pilling you right now. As I lay sleeping...

Oh, no, the second line at the end of that is not good. I held you in my arms when I awoke, dear. I was mistaken, so I hung my head and I cried. This is not sunshine. No, I don't. I'm almost tearing up with that second one. I tried to tell you. Did we lose ourself again on this question?

The cell phone that never runs out of battery and can only do calls and texts. Oh, yeah, the cell phone. That one's better for my life. That's my answer. Yeah, I'm going to get off of stupid games that you match colors together. Oh, you're taking the dumb phone? I'm taking the dumb phone. I'm taking the tech.

What would you do? What would I do? On the couch without Candy Crush or Reels or TikTok or whatever. What would you do? Would you be getting out the paper? No. If Jason goes to the bathroom with a dumb phone, you will have so many text messages like you will hear from jason all the time you're just gonna get blown up with a full string and paragraphs like oh jason's in the bathroom yeah i still need my time in there if

you had a pie chart this is important research for the show because this is a an important show you you go to the bathroom you've got a, and you've got to break that pie chart up into applications utilized while pooping. Okay. Oh, this is interesting. What's the pie look like? The pie looks like the largest slices are going to be slack. Okay.

Underdog fantasy. So sports. Sports. Fantasy football Underdog fantasy. So sports, sports, fantasy, fantasy football, Sudoku. Okay. These are equal slices. I mean, these are about equal slices. Okay. And lately gardenscapes. What is that? It's a wonderful children's game. I don't know what that is. Yeah. Garden scapes. You know, you win some, you lose some. You know, hashtag not a sponsor, but. Oh, it's another color matching thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, honesty is the best policy. Okay. Okay. Now, let me. Social media's in there as well. I was going to say, I left out the reels and the TikTok.

When you play the game in the bathroom, what's the sound on? No, never. Never sound on in the bathroom for anything. Is that a shame thing? No, it's just a... In case someone hears the sounds coming from the door. Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop. Still pooping.

No, it's privacy. I'm in a sanctuary. Aren't the sounds really important to those games? No, it's privacy. I'm in a sanctuary. Aren't the sounds really important to those games? No, not at all. I'm saying, but the satisfaction. But you flip the sound on if you're on the couch doing it, or you just don't even worry about the sound? I've never had sound on for any of those.

Really? Yeah. You should try it. You never go earbuds in the bathroom? Never. I got to go to the bathroom, hand me my AirPods. Okay. Yeah, I guess that would be, it could be a little gross.

All right. Shall we move on to the next segment? Let's do it. That's a great question lana from patreon if you could replace any single digit of any number in your life with a different numeric digit of your choice which digit would you change and what would you change it to amazing. I didn't get it at first, but you're saying like you can change your bank balance. You could change your age.

You could change your height. You could change your weight. You could change your, any number, any number, any consequential, you could change your social and did, well,

you could disappear if you did that. Okay. That's fair. Um, so you could change a single digit somewhere in your life. You could change the first digit in your bank account to a nine. So? Oh, is that how that would work?

Or do you get to change the... Oh, it's just one digit? Yeah. Any single digit. So I don't get to change like... My weight? To a nine. From a nine.

I could change my weight. I could drop, I think, the right amount for me. I could drop 50 pounds in a second that would be awesome if it's just one digit I'm not tempted to do the bank balance over the age no time is money money is time

if it was more than one digit that would be a bigger question if you could just add a digit or two it would definitely I mean in the end height is tempting. Weight is tempting. Bank balance is tempting. What do you do if you do height?

But it's got to be age. If I was height. Yeah, would you change it to height? Would you go eight? You'd become a giant. I would have a real problem. I couldn't do height. You guys could do height.

Because I'm 5'11". So I would have to notice. You don't want to be 7'11"? No, I don't want to be 8 feet tall. I figured you'd go play in the NBA. No, I don't want to be 7'11"? No, I don't want to be 8 feet tall. I figured you'd go play in the NBA. No, I don't want to be 6'11". If you were 8'11", you could play tomorrow in the NBA. If I was 6 foot, then I could change that to be like 6'5".

That'd be awesome. I'd love to be 6'4", 6'5". Oh, you're saying you can't thread the needle on the height. Right. Because you're at 5'11". Yeah, I can only go down. That'd be the worst because if in your head you keep thinking you're 6'0", right now, and then you did it, and then you're at 5'11". Yeah. I can only go down. That'd be the worst because if in your head you keep thinking you're six foot right now and then you did it and then you end up 6'11".

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm 5'11". I could change one digit. Can I be 5'19"? Right? I mean, that's just changing one digit.

That's 5'19". I think you have found a way to do it. I'm going to allow it. Yeah. i found the loophole so you how tall are you sir i am 519 yeah that's the that's the hard part is i have to always answer like that if you ever say it incorrectly you shrink um but you've got it i feel like you have to go age here so would you go what but would you teenage is that what you would do like you go from what are you how old are? It's going to create a problem for your family life.

I don't know. Oh, yeah. Your wife would be arrested. Your spouse is still going to be their age. Your kids are going to be their age. Technically your body. Does your body change? No, your body goes back to the right age.

Take age right now and just say what we would change it to. If this question was just age i'm 41 right now yeah mine's easy i go to 19 really that young i'm wondering if i go to 31 i'm still an adult but i just picked up 20 years i don't know if i go 31 or 21 i go i go i'm 40 i think i'd go down 30 i won't go down to 20 i don't know that i want to be a little baby boy. For the sake of my family. Wait, how would that hurt your family? Because my wife is in her 40s and she would be married to a 20 year old

and my youngest is about to turn 14 and she has to explain to people that her father is 20. These are what I would call good reasons. Good answers. But I was just thinking about my own life. If there's no other ramifications and like I could just be 20 again and the rest of public

is just like, oh, that guy had a magic thing and he turned 20. So everything's cool. Now, if you go and I go to 20, if you go older than you become older. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think I'm going to I think I'm going to go 21. I think I'm going to go 21. I think I'm going to go back. It's tough.

I think it's a really good debate between 21 and 31. And you're right. The family stuff, that could get a little weird. But at the same time, I'm getting an extra decade. You argue, but you're getting an extra decade with your spouse who will eventually pass away much sooner than you. But I'll still be a young man, so at that point... See, I didn't know how to say that. I'm going to bounce back, baby.

I'm going to be okay because I'll be a young man. I'll be a very desirable bachelor. Honestly, the way that I eat versus the way my wife eats, if I do this and I move back 20 years, we may die together finally. That may be the actual, we may match up on our time. Okay.

Well, see, that's a good point. Al's bringing it up here. Bank balance, you brought it up, but you could change your digit on your salary. That's a good one. So you get it every single year. Oh. Yeah. The salary of 209. Not every single year, every single week or biweekly. Oh, you're changing your- On my paycheck. That's a good one. So you get it every single year. Oh. Yeah. The salary. Not every single year.

Every single week or bi-weekly. Oh, you're changing your. On my paycheck. Your paycheck. Not your yearly salary. The first digit on that paycheck is going to become a nine every pay period. That's smart. Well, you may completely bankrupt your company and then they will stop being able to pay you. But Al, you'd take the money over 10 years of life?

Yeah. All right. Okay. We found what's important to him. All right. I'm going to live forever. Got it. Because you have so much money.

I remember that quote when he's gone. Throw that in your face at the funeral. Sebastian from Twitter, if you could choose to never sweat again, but you could also never swim again, would you take it? Yep. Yes, I would, Sebastian. Sir, we're going to give you a moment to think about it.

In some ways, you're always swimming. So some people, this question would be super easy on the other side, because they don't sweat like some people sweat. I'm on the some people that sweat like some people sweat, which means a lot. I'm actually taking the same one as you. I've reached a stage. Maybe it would be different if I moved my digit back to 20.

I'm at a stage where I'm very content simply sitting near water, and I don't even need to be in it. Now, just for semantics, swimming is basically like you can't go in a pool. Or the ocean. Yeah, but I'm saying you can't go into a body of water. I'm saying I can't lay on a tube. You can't swim in water, Mike. I can't lay on a tube because I'm not swimming.

I'm just trying to clarify. I think you can lay in a tube. I think you can tube. You just can't swim. This is what I'm just trying to clarify. I think you can, too. You just can't swim. This is what I'm saying. I don't know what it is, but at a certain age, I'm content to have a drink by a pool or by an ocean. I no longer have any need to get in these things. Yeah, I'm the same way.

I mean, I do enjoy swimming. I love when the summer hits and playing with the kids in the pool, throwing them around, dunking them, showing how much stronger than them i am things like that it's great much stronger than you look much but um yeah i mean when i think about how sweat gets in the way of my life mike i know you're you're you're a peloton guy yeah you ride your peloton every day and that's awesome when i ride a peloton if i do a 15 minute session that is at least that takes at least one full hour out of my day where i have dedicated to that 15 minutes to sweating absolutely because i can't is that proportional let's say you extend your ride from 15 minutes to an hour dedicated do you have an hour more sweat or do you act because maybe you need to ride more it's basically like i i've got a 40 minute post

workout window where i will continue to sweat so once your sweat glands are activated yeah they have they have a timer that is longer than 15 minute ride is dumb for you kind of yeah you should really be doing an hour ride if you've got a 40-minute afterwards. Yeah. You at least need to sweat as long as you ride. Yes. That would be nice. That would maximize the sweat window,

but I would love to be able to feel like I could just go work out real quick and then move on with my day. I can't do that. I couldn't go to a gym on the way to work. Oh, because you would need to go back home. And then continue on with my day. Like, I am a mess. I am drenched.

And so now I've got to go shower after waiting a while to stop sweating. Does this mean that you get to cut down on BO? Oh, yeah. I think so. Yeah, I mean, sweat is a big perpetuator of the body odor. Yeah. Without the sweat, you're probably, you're great. That's interesting.

So that's a new level, because for me, it was easily. Also, you're apparently not allowed, according to Al, to have tubes, water slides, or in-pool activities. I wanted to double check, because it's easily, I will take the. Lack of sweat yeah no no no i'm like i'm i want to be able to swim so you're a big swimmer i love yeah i love being in the pool i love being in the ocean when when we're actually around it it's it's fantastic what's your best stroke um doggy paddle okay all right all right it's about the limit you ever go out there though like when

when like michael phelps was really like the thing and then give the backstroke a try or breaststroke i've tried a backstroke i've tried the uh you tried the butterfly oh yeah yeah that's a lot of fun to try yeah and fail yeah you're just shouting i'm drowning do you do that you do the turn at the end of the pool, the flip turn? Oh, yeah. You ever given that a go? Only if I want my ears full of water. All right, are we good to draft?

Or do you want one more? Let's do one more. Whatever you say, Al. All right, Ethan from Twitter, your car can talk now. What's the first argument you have with it? That's a great question. My car can talk. Why are you so hot?

Cool down. Are you asking the car that? Yeah. Okay. That would be. I was trying to think, why is the car mad at me? Ah, no. Sweaty butt.

Get your sweaty butt off my seat. I have a real problem with my vehicle not unlatching the hood. When I try to unlatch the hood on my vehicle and I click the open, it does it. It goes, click, click. It's unlocked. And it's unlocked. And then I go to lift it up. No, it's not.

No, it isn't. And then I'll click open and it goes, click, click. And then it's not open. I have to be pulling up the hood while hitting the open button and then it will actually pop open. So it's like the game where people are trying to get in and you're hitting unlock, but they're trying to get in too soon. Yes. And it keeps locking. Exactly. This happens to you regularly?

But it's you and your hood. Every single day. This brings me joy knowing you have this small tiny little minuscule struggle on a daily basis the other day i went out to the car i popped the the hood and i clicked the open button and it went and it opened oh and i was like oh my goodness this is so cool you had reconciled with the vehicle yeah i mean we had a good we had a date you know. Everything was going well. Made up. And then today, no, not. I went out there and. Have you considered abandoning that area of the vehicle to store in maybe another area?

Well, this goes back to the sweat question because I use that area to put my sweaty workout clothes so that they aren't like in the car. Got you. Because you have a hatch right is there a chance the car is trying to not allow those smells out into society the conversation back from the car would be you know exactly why i'm not ever opening this hood i don't want don't put it in me you're sweaty 15 pound clothing in my car in All right, we're drafting. The Spitballers draft. All right, we are drafting brand mascots.

It's a battle royale. And if you don't know we've done a lot of battle royales over the years and we have previously done a serial mascot battle royale so we are doing brand mascots but we are taking the serial options out no tony the tiger will be picked today he would have been a good one he would he would have been a good one. He would. He would have been a good one. So I have the first one, and I'm actually pretty happy to have the first pick because I think there are some really good brand mascots that you'd want fighting on your team.

I have a one-on-one. I think there's a handful that are pretty good, but there's one that I really want to get out of the way that I think is important to have. And again, if you've just joined us, a battle royale means we're each picking four picks and we're releasing them all into a coliseum to fight each other. And my number one pick, it's going to be the Jolly Green Giant.

Yeah, that was it. That's the 101. That was the 101. He's a giant. Yeah. I mean, he's jolly, so i don't know that he can fight i think when push comes to shove that man gets done if you take his vegetables away so he's vegetables right and there's some yeah green beans right it's intimidating

to have a giant run at you but even more intimidating from what i understand if they are green so if they come running it's's like, what is that? So I'm going with the Jolly Green Giant, which I feel like we should understand the actual brand. I guess it's just canned vegetables. It's just vegetables. The company's mascot is the Jolly Green Giant from B&G Foods. Hey, he's big. I'm seeing him standing next to some trees.

Those trees look like weeds. That was what first came to mind was the ints from Lord of the Rings, like the big tree people. They were slow and lumbering, and they would destroy you because they're giants. And this dude's more like naked but wearing a tree as an outfit. Now, is it good or bad branding that everyone, not everyone, but people of our age, we all know who the Jolly Green Giant is.

We know he's associated with vegetables, but we have no idea what company the Jolly Green Giant, you even said the name of the company. Wait, he did say it? I mean, I think it's Green Giant. Wait, it's Green Giant? That's what all the cans say. I thought you said like B&G. Well, B&G Foods, they bring this giant and they put it on everything.

So he is the brand. He's the brand. And if you are at a store, this is the point. You're staring at a bunch of corn and green beans. You pick the one with the Jolly Green Giant on the can. I want giant approved vegetables. That's right. I would guess he can just throw those cans right at you.

Yeah, he gets some cans with him. I don't know if he can. They're going to be too small in his hands. Oh, that's a good point. Try to throw peas at people. It'd be like flicking a booger. He could just drop a bunch. Which is what it'll be like against you guys.

Yeah, he could just drop handfuls of pears. Is that where the cans come from? Is from his nose? Oh. He just picks out the cans and then you buy them in the store. Mike, you have the second pick in this draft all right are you battling my giant with so i really hoped i would get jolly green giants um but we gotta get we we gotta get we gotta get some strength and i like to have you know tanky like I'm going to take the icy polar bear.

Oh, that's. This is Coca-Cola. No, it's icy. Oh, I see. Yeah. I thought you were describing the type of polar bear. No, no, no. He's very cold.

He loves the icy weather. He's a polar bear. Of course he's cold. Well, he's very warm, but his environment is very cold. So you've got the icy. That would be the delectable treat at the movie theater. Yes. The icy. Or Circu K. Do they still sell delectable treat at the movie theater. Yes, the icy. Or Circu K.

Do they still sell them there? Yeah, oh, yeah. I don't know. All right, all right. The movies have really encroached. They've been a late addition to the icy game. It used to always be at the gas station. But now I do.

I associate icy with the movies now. It didn't used to be that way. Because you used to have, what's the 7-Eleven one? Slurpee? Slurpees. Oh, yeah. All right. So brand mascots, we've got the Jolly Green Giant.

We've got the Polar Bear from Icy. And then, Jason, you have two picks. What a treat. I've got a problem here with your guys' size. The Polar Bear is very large. And you have a giant. And I'm looking at my list here. And I'm seeing a lot of small.

I would say the icy polar bear looks underfed. Personally. Really? He's a little underfed. Which is surprising. Do I know what's happening up there? That's another nursery rhyme waiting to happen. Too much sugar in his diet from all those icies.

That's all he eats. He is a diabetic polar bear um man all right so i i think i'm going to need some size uh i am going to go with first smoky the bear oh man i was hoping i was gonna go i thought it was a bear i thought it was gonna be back to me yeah The U.S. Forest Service, baby. That's right. Only you can prevent forest fires, and only Smokey can light you on fire. Wait, is that what he does? He's an arsonist.

What? Yeah. That's surprising. He takes your fire, and he puts you in it. Wait, is it only you can prevent my fires? Is that what he says? Yeah, that's what I was. Forest fires.

If you have a fire in the forest, Smokey's coming. I'm pretty sure Smokey gets a shovel. That's what he gets. Oh, great. Yeah. And so you've got a good pick here. Smokey the bear. All right.

And then I still feel like I need a little bit of size. I need a little bit of protection. I'm going to need, if not armor, I'm going to need padding. Oh, no. No. And I'm going to take the Michelin, man. How is – Because –

That was my backup. Yeah. I mean, look. What a excellent job. What's he made out of? He's girthy. I have no idea. Yeah, I think it's like –

I think he's the air from within the tires, like stacked up with like... But I don't think you can hurt him. Like you can hit him and it's like... Can you pop him? I don't think so. He's not Marshmallow. He's a big, you know... No, look, it's a good pick.

Who's the big hero six? Baymax. Baymax. I think you could pop Baymax. Yeah. Yes. But you can't pop the Michelin Man. No.

So I got the Michelin Man and... Dang. What's the PSI on the Michelin Man? Is he pretty? He's 42. Yeah, he's very tight. Mike, it's back to you. You've just had your two picks stripped from you.

This is upsetting and very tilting that I had my plan here. The Maytag Repairman is still on the board, Mike. All right. Look, I don't know if this character is going to give me really any firepower, but I know that there's one of them on the team. There's Hart, and they will never stop. Oh, gosh. Are you really?

They will never stop. They will keep going and going and going, and I will take stop. Oh, gosh. Are you really? They will never stop. They will keep going and going and going, and I will take the Energizer Bunny. And look, if nothing else, this is old-timey war, right? So you need the fife player and the drummer. I got the Energizer Bunny out there banging the drum, the war drums. Until the Jolly Green Giant just steps on him. Possibly.

He keeps going and going. Okay. Is it back to me then? It is. All right. Good picks, Jason. Smokey the Bear. I was hoping we'd get back.

It wasn't going to. So I'm going to go with... This guy might not be all there all the time. But he gets a sword. I'm taking Captain time. Oh, but he gets a sword. I'm taking Captain Morgan. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. And just in case he's stumbling and bumbling across the battlefield, I'm throwing him on

the back of some Budweiser Clydesdales. The horses are entering the arena and he's hopping on the back of one of them. Interesting. Captain Morgan is definitely on my list. Oh, really? He wasn't on my list. Captain Morgan and then the Budweiser Clydesdales. They're big.

You've got a breathalyzer problem over there. A breathalyzer problem? I do. Is that a DUI if you're on the back of a horse? I don't know. I believe it can be, yes. That's a good question. But not in a fight in the Coliseum.

At that point, it's no holds barred. Go try to kill each other. All right. Sounds good. Oh, crap. I'm already back up. You got it. All right.

For the record, Al Borland attempted to spell Clydesdales with a K. So we're just going to put that out there. Yeah. Yeah. Who would do that? What a dummy. I woulddales with a K. So we're just going to put that out there. Yeah. Who would do that? What a dummy. I would. It's a C. Wait, were you spelling it like Clydescope?

Maybe. Okay. All right. So, Mike, your team is the polar bear and the Energizer bunny. Very animal heavy. Jason, you have Smokey the bear and some, the Michelin man, we don't know he's made up, but we know he can handle his business. It has to be a great pick.

That's all I know. I've got the Jolly Green Giant, Captain Morgan, and the Clydesdales. Mike? Okay, I've got my next pick. It's a little amorphous because I've seen this character take form of many different people. I've seen him take form of objects. He's just represented as a human.

I will take mayhem from all states. Wow. Okay. So you're just causing problems in this arena. What is he? I don't know. I think you might have drafted a texting teenager. Or a roof tile.

I don't even know. Okay. Just general mayhem on your son. But we know there's going to be problems. That's right. And mayhem will leave unscathed. That also might mean that Mike's team is insured against damage. That's a good point.

There's a chance that he is insured if he is indeed killed, which looks likely based on his team. Wow. All right. The diabetic polar bear. He's got you. As long as he has a pump, he's likely based on his team. Wow. All right. The diabetic polar bear. He's got you. As long as he has a pump, he's good to go. Okay.

Okay. So I am back up and I have just smoking the bear and the Michelin man. Yes. I feel like I want. Finish me. Yes. I want a little bit more toughness. I want some bronze bit more toughness.

I want some bronze. Okay. Some bronze? Like the metal? No, not like the metal. Third place. Like the brawny man. Oh.

I mean. Oh, he's got some muscles. Yeah, give me a little bit. A lumberjack? Oh, is that brawn you said? Yes. Oh, I thought. No, he said bronze. I pluralized brawn. Can you not is that brawn you said yes oh i thought he said bronze i pluralized brawn can you not pluralize brawn no because you have a lot of brawn so you have the brawny man

yes i have the brawny man okay so any spills no problem no problem on the spillage quicker picker upper is that brawny is that is that brawny? Is that brawny? I think that's bounty. That's bounty. I'm so sorry, paper towels. Oh, I'm looking at the brawny man, and he's actually. He's got the Al Borland flannel on. He's got the plaid.

Yeah, he's a lumberjack. Can he move his arms away from this position is the question. In the fight, he can. In photographs, that's kind of his his natural pose okay um and now since i've gone back to back picks here with the man the michelin man and the brawny man i'm gonna take another but he ain't a dude oh i'm going with the kool-aid man because my guy can literally burst through walls. Oh, yeah. You know, it's like you think, oh, he's made of glass.

I can shatter this. He can burst through a brick wall. How are you breaking this Kool-Aid man? You can't do it. Yeah, and the glass is still intact. I mean, you really just need to make him stumble, though. Like, if he falls over. Is that his blood?

If he spills. Is he just dying from spills? just need to make him stumble though like if he's if he falls over is that his blood if he's spills it has to be his essence right i don't know if he spills is he dead or can i hydrate my team come drink some of my blood yeah does it like does it does it naturally refill i come drink some of my blood it's got a final drip i mean My final drips. I mean, our blood refills, right? Like, if you lose a little bit, it'll... Yeah, but if we pour out, we don't survive. Right, no. He can lose a little bit. He can't lose all the Kool-Aid.

But he can lose a little bit and he can help the blood sugar of my teammates. Don't tip him over. That's gonna be the key. No tripping. Mike, you have one final pick. He lives a dangerous life. What if we were open like that? That dude lives on the wild side because if he spills and dies,

he should not be jumping through these walls, man. He's like, I know I shouldn't do this, but I got to try it. Boom. I just can't help myself. I lived again. What's interesting is I'm looking at pictures of the Kool-Aid man, and not only does he burst through the wall as a giant pitcher, but he is always holding a second pitcher of Kool-Aid.

I mean, he's got backup blood. He just spills. Could he refill himself? Absolutely. Okay. All right, the Kool-Aid man. Also, great news. For all those walls you take down.

You want them repaired? You talk to me. I got my Allstate shirt. You do. Thank you. Mike, one final pick for your Polar Bear Energizer Bunny and him team. At this point, I don't think I can overpower anyone. Maybe a tip over a pitcher.

But I got gotta go scary and for a lot of people there's nothing scarier than a clown oh ronald so i will take i will take skin and bones ronald mcdonald out there i'll give him a red balloon and everyone will be terrified okay those are some big shoes hey Hey, kids. You want some burgers? I did wonder if anyone was going to go magic because magic is very powerful. You went magic tricks. You went like pull a squirty flower on his lapel. I feel real good in this draft, Al. I think I'm in good shape. Well, you started with a giant.

It's kind of not fair um well i'm finishing i'm finishing with some biceps some brawn as you would say some bronze um is it a bald man it's a bald man mr clean welcome to the team unlike the brawny man who always stands there kind of like you know what do you call this pose with the two arms like a hero pose he's always flexing. He's Mr. Clean. Or he's folding his arms. Yeah, he's a tough guy with his one earring.

He does have an earring in his left ear. So Mr. Clean is joining the team. Can we get Mr. Clean both ears? Let's pierce them both at this point. Captain Morgan can take care of that. Pierce the other ear? Yeah, he can pierce the other ear for sure. Hold still.

I got hold still. Wait a minute. I also feel like Mr. Clean is a bit of a benefit against any mayhem, because if that mayhem is just spilling things, Mr. Clean. Between the brawny man and Mr. Clean, we are going to be wiping up the floors when we are done with this call. Don't worry about the mess. Don't worry about the mess. Don't worry about the mess.

Our team has got it. All right. That's the end of the draft, but are there any kind of final? Chester Cheetah. Chester Cheetah not being drafted was crazy. Chester Cheetah is on my list. But you went with Ronald McDonald. Yeah.

Well, again, I explained myself. I have to scare people with scary clowns. And then the only other one I considered was, in fact, the most interesting man in the world. Yeah. Oh, okay. The old guy? Yeah, that was the problem. He's a very frail old man.

He's definitely not frail. But he is older. But he knows how to do stuff. He's done a lot in his life. He's lived a lot of life. Can he still do it i don't know we'll get his social security payment every single i had uh ronald mcdonald's friend the burger king on my list i don't think they're friends no enemy enemy they should be fighting um

and then uh when we're going magic i had the travellocity Gnomes just for maybe they can do something. That's not going to help out. Like sit in a yard? Look, I didn't draft them. Okay, they shatter very easily. You could have gone Geico has a couple, right? Caveman. Oh, yeah, or the Caveman.

And the Gecko. And I wanted, Stavepuff was made up, right? Yeah. That's not a real character. He is the brand mascot for a fake. Yeah. I'm glad we didn't take him.

Any other ones? I got the Michelin Man. He's stronger. Is Colonel Sanders in contention? No, he's too old. I did have McGruff the Crime Dog. Yeah, if you want to get the drugs out of the... Clean this up.

If there's a case that needs to be solved. Look, if Smokey the Bear is starting fires, then McGruff is... Is committing crimes? Yeah, he's getting into some stuff. All right. What did we learn today? I'll speak on behalf of Al on this one.

He learned to spell Clydesdales with a C. I learned there were more verses to the song Rock-A-Bye Baby. And I learned that you should hold in your back pocket the phrase, you look stronger than you are. That's a really powerful insult. Thank you for joining us on today's Spitballers episode. Tell your friends about the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon.

Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out