Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 243: Turtle Races & Selfish Punishments To Give Our Children - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

On this episode, find out what unflattering word Mike uses to describe Andy’s appearance. We also discuss desirable animal defensive mechanisms, stair mules, and magic wallets. After sharing some crazy real-life news headlines, we close it down with a draft of selfish punishments to give our children. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Up-e-bop-doop-da-tee-pap-a-doodle-da-poop. That was a full poop. It was. I ended with the explosion on that poop. Poop.

Cleaner. Our strongest entry yet. I was going to say, cleaner ending than some of Jason's in the past. it actually not really not really cleaner i guess yeah poop is uh there is one of the least clean there is no clean poop is that fair that is very fair well no well hmm so let's discuss i mean like this is the important there is a clean poop but it's not the poop that is clean it's when you have one of those poops and it's like the no the no no wiper i mean the the wiper no wipey you know it's so there's a clean yes that was adora the explorer reference there's a wiper no wipey there's a clean execution whoa why is there a spotlight on Jason?

I was just moving stuff around and the wrong button. Apologies. I mean at least it went to the right person. The one talking about the clean poop. I was just, he was like, Oh, give me more. I need me more. Give me more Dora the Explorer jokes. Uh, welcome into the spit ballers podcast.

Danny Mike and Jason back with you. Al Borland hitting the buttons and um, Al Borland, hitting the buttons. All the buttons. All the buttons. Today's segments, Would You Rather Is This Real Life? And we are drafting self-serving punishments for your children. I mean, we all want to teach discipline, want to instruct our children. And, you know, these punishments, they also benefit us. So we'll draft those today as well.

Spitballerspod.com is the website. You can find us on social media, on YouTube, youtube.com slash spitballers. Tell your friends about the show. If you have friends that you're like, oh, they need more poop content. Yeah, I guess we're here for it. If they need the merits of a clean poop debated. I mean, there is no clean poop, nor could you clean a poop. No, there's a whole phrase about that.

Can't shine a turd. Oh, yeah. Yes. One of your kind of idioms for life. Yeah. Yeah, that's a whole phrase. Can't shine a turd, Jason Moore. I came up with that.

Would you rather I mean technically that has nothing to do with cleaning it It's more the physical appearance You can't polish a turd to make it look attractive Don't tell me what I can't do People don't do sculptures No thank goodness I bet they do Blake from Patreon Would you rather have a

magical suitcase that always contains the perfect outfit for any occasion or a magical atm wallet that always has the amount of cash you need when you open it up wait read the fine print oh all right the The outfit will not physically change any of your attributes, a.k.a. I'll still be lumpy. Okay, so it's black. Wow. My outfit is lumpy. Lumpy is one of the most hurtful expressions that I can remember.

You just called Andy lumpy. To be fair, I was saying it for all of us. That might be one of the deepest cuts. This is a moment. This is a turning point in my life. I don't think I've heard that as the adjective before. The problem is I was looking for something like that. I just didn't want it to be lumpy.

I mean, something to be lumpy I mean something softer than lumpy yeah you want to be cushy or just puffy sure puffy a little swollen you know stung by bees but lumpy makes it feel like it's in all the wrong places all right here's the fine print for that question so we don't instantly choose the money one which we always do. The outfit will not physically change any of your attributes, including your lumpiness, but it will be as stylish and flattering as possible for the occasion, which is cool.

The wallet is connected to your bank account and works just like an ATM in your pocket. Okay. This isn't free money. When you are standing at the valet and need a crisp five dollar bill yeah i mean this changes everything because i i i can tell you i don't know outside of a valet the last time i've handed cash to a human being i mean it is it is now reaching the point where i haven't i haven't been to a bank to get cash or an ATM to get cash outside of we're going on a trip and there might be a valet or a luggage. You know, the tipping someone outside of a tip.

Yeah, outside of a tip. I'll take money out if I am going to the casino. So this is not fair. I mean, this is I already have a magic ATM. It's called a credit card. And it connects to my bank, and I use it, and it takes money out of my bank

like this magic wallet does. It's just not in cash. See, the problem with the other one, though, for me personally, because of my extreme lumpiness. Lump plus. Lump plus. Is that what that song songs about the the best style

she's lump it's like she's just chunky are they insulting somebody yes she's lump she's lump she's lump i mean that's i didn't know it was such a mean song that's very enjoy that joke all you 80s babies all right um but you know it's it's gonna be as stylish and flattering as possible the the outfit that's in right so i know for a fact that the color of the shirt i am pulling out is black because as the only anything else is unflattering to my lumps and so i don't feel like this suitcase is that great it would be the most flattering that those other colors could be for you um you could go to a lot of funerals with this suitcase and be fine um i wonder if having that suitcase would unlock a new world of socializing

for me sure because i I would imagine there are events or things that I would do, but I think about, do I want to get dressed up? And it's not even like, part of getting dressed up is not just owning it. It's like figuring out which combination and is it clean and is it wrinkly

and do I have, you know, how comfortable are the shoes? Do I know where that one shirt is that I like the most? Yeah, it's somewhere, but it's probably wrinkled. You know where it is? It's in your magic suitcase. So that's pretty cool. Now, I thought of another reason that I need cash.

And always in upsetting fashion, my children have, like, field trips that they go on or things at school that they need. And it's always like $22, $17. I can't even just give them a $20 bill and be like, here you go. Take this to school. And it pays for it. It's like, well, I've only got, I can only go to $40 and you need 22.

Like that's not change. I'm going to just say, yeah, keep the change. That's double the price. Why is the school always asking for cash and unmarked bills? Right. They do specify that. What are they up to? There's some teachers that need to eat dinner. That's what it is.

It's for dinner for the teachers. I'm good with that. But you're always like, where's the paper trail for all these field trips? Yeah, Cass is flying around. Look, I'm taking the suitcase. It's more pragmatically. I could go to an ATM. Also, clothes are expensive.

So you're telling me. Oh, that's a good point. Now, wait. Does this magical suitcase, is it only my wardrobe that I have? It does not specify that. This is magic. Yeah, we're taking the suitcase. Yeah, I have? It does not specify that. This is magic. Yeah, we're taking the suitcase. Yeah, I'll take the free clothes.

Like, hey, would you like a wallet that gives you your money? Do you have to put it back in the suitcase afterwards, though? Yeah. I imagine you don't get to keep it. That's all right. You don't need to keep it. Yeah. Okay.

I don't wear two things at once. Oh, like if you did keep it, though, you'd be selling this all the time to make unlimited money that would be it's not about making money it's about not spending money on clothes we're all suitcase yeah yeah all right messy mom from patreon writes in for us and says would you rather have a photographic memory uh but never be able to forget anything. Oh, no. Or have the ability to selectively forget things. So this is about the bad times. Sure.

This is about the humiliation. And the good times. Is it? I mean, if you never forget anything, it then becomes what type of person and what's your mental well-being of being are you like are you able to focus on only the good stuff i mean because you remember it all very clearly as you say that that is i would hope what would happen is we are we are really good at forgetting

the the kind of menial goodness of life exactly and. And it would be present all the time. When you face a difficulty in life and you actually remember all the difficulties you got through, it makes it more comforting. But maybe that's a perspective thing. But your perspective is a lot more easily framed if you remember. Yeah. I think it's so easy for us to remember pain, trauma,

things that have hurt us. And it's a little more difficult to remember when something was like oh that was such a great event remember how you felt in that moment so if you can remember everything i think that's uh that's an easy thing also there's there are tremendous benefits if you had a true photographic memory oh yeah i mean i i dream of that that's like one of the the superpowers of all superpowers that I would love. Like, I don't know. I might feel like I want to read more because genuinely I get depressed that when I read a book.

Yeah. I've sat down and read a full book and said and concentrated and been like, I want to remember this book. And a year later, you asked me what was in it, and I won't be able to tell you almost anything. A year later. I don't remember the previous chapter, my man.'s i mean but isn't that depressing who's this guy it's like it's like you're loading the software and on the other end someone's sucking it out with a shop vac yeah no the memory is extremely important i i don't know about these um books that you guys are talking about but i watch a lot of shows right and i certainly

can you know it's like when i can't binge watch shows and i've got to watch it week after week and i go i haven't watched this in a week what happened what i don't i don't remember what was going on at all i need those those recaps uh i'm gonna go photographic memory final answer seems the the thing to go for sure i wish that this was something that you do you think we'll ever get to the point where we could just um i don't know like like they'll pay for things like this like you'll be able to like get opt in like that stuff will start really expensive right like when they start messing with your body and improving things i mean even like when lasik first came out right that was for the the richest people on earth in the very beginning now they got

coupons for it now you and i don't know if i want a coupon group on dot com just saying like yeah you're no you're right open the sunday paper buy one i get one free um but do you think they'll ever be able to give you upgrades like this? What would you pay? It certainly seems like they will. Well, let's just pretend this is on the market right now. It's on the open market. Let's say there's a, you know. I would pay 100% of whatever I have.

100%? I'm just saying. Would you go to zero? If you told me, hey, you empty your bank account, you go to zero. You go to zero. You're just whatever you have. You know, if you've got $1,000, you've your bank account, you go to zero. That's a good answer. You go to zero. You're just whatever you have. If you've got $1,000, you've got $1 million. Whatever you have.

You go to zero, and you can get a photographic memory that you'll remember everything forever. Obviously, I still have a job. I'm not retired. I've got to redo my savings. But the cost, the value of something like that seems, well, priceless. Now, what if... Your earning potential goes up with your photographic memory. Yeah, it certainly would.

But what if it is hard drive based? As in, like... I got a hard drive hanging out of my... Yeah, I mean, you have to plug a hard drive in. And it's like a terabyte. So the thing will fill up and if you want to remember some other stuff you have to you have to go home to your catalog of actual hard drives and then and then plug that one in now kind of like i guess so he like deletes he deletes his

jujitsu knowledge to go and get some stock knowledge okay okay i think that's still good but what worries me here in this new version as we as we uh dive through this is what is the visual uh equipment that i have to have attached to me oh they make really small ssds now i mean you got no problem it's like behind your ear oh oh see i was going like a full you got a you got a dongle in the back i got a serial port hanging down with like a little knocked out oh that's hey that's on you i think it'd be interesting to get further tease this out let's say it's limited like you said let's just say it's 10 core subjects right and you walk around in society and you've got

those 10 things printed out and like people see you and you're like oh this guy knows he knows about space travel dolphins right um how to cook a steak to perfection. Carpentry. Carpentry. But then it's like you look at people and you're like, oh, I need that guy. That's interesting. And then you can swap it out. I don't know.

That sounds kind of fun. You can swap it out. All right. John from Twitter. Which defensive mechanism would you rather have? The ability to deploy a protective shell like a turtle. It sounds awesome. Or the ability to completely blend into your surroundings like a chameleon.

I don't get hit with things too often. No, but the turtle, it's funny because personality-wise, the turtle is like the kid going under the covers for the monsters. It's like you're protected, you're safe, and you're secluded, and it's quiet. Oh, so I can just nap? You could nap. Excuse me, I'm going to take a quick nap.

Turtle shell. If you could go into your turtle shell, let's say a tsunami is hitting a beach and you're on the beach. You go turtle shell. You're fine, right? No. You're drowning in your turtle shell. No, you're knocked around and stuff, but in the turtle shell, you're fine. I don't think it's waterproof. My head can get in there.

The water can get in there. Yeah, I think you're much safer from the debris problem. You hop onto your back, man. It's like a little raft. little raft floating on the waves and you'll never be able to stand up not until the water subsides well but that's a good that's a good follow-up point here mike i need to stamp well because if you flip a turtle on his back you're done he's done no this is a turtle shell on a human we got longer limbs well you're not really a chameleon here i'm not like talk about your eyes being all big like this is the the power the feature the chameleon one what are you gonna do with that you got to stand still

i could just all i think of is drax from guardians if i could move so slow it's it's imperceptible hello drax so talk to me what your first impression was which one would you if I could move so slow. It's imperceptible. Hello, Drax. So talk to me what your first impression was. Which one would you... My first impression is the turtle shell. Wait, that you would take it? Yeah. Oh, my first impression was, like,

one of these things is never going to be used, which is the turtle shell. I'm using that all the time. In fact, I'm hooking it up to my, like, when you're driving in your car and you've got the. You're, like, with your airbags? With my airbags. Thank you.

I couldn't remember the word airbags. When your airbag deploys, your turtle shell deploys. My turtle shell deploys. Just an extra layer of safety. Yeah, I mean, I'm just thinking, when was the last time in my life. Yeah, I'm going to break it down on a dance floor. Like, oh, sure. I mean, if you're going to do, like, children's birthday parties and dress up as Leonardo, this is pretty cool.

That's definitely the one to take. But in my life, going backwards, when would I have gone, man, I wish I had a turtle shell at that moment. I can't think of like. I would have gone hard in the streets if I had a turtle shell. My whole life would have been different. You would change. You'd be tougher. You'd get in a lot of bar fights.

Yeah, a lot of that. It would be weird though because in the bar fight, I'm not going to win the fight. I'm just going to be... But you ain't losing. I'm just going to go into a turtle shell and the guy's going to leave eventually. Now, this is really weird. This is like an Incredible Hulk situation though, right? Because if you're wearing your t-shirt... You're not wearing it all the time.

No, no. I'm saying you've got your t-shirt on and i i hulk out i i shell out my my shirt's gonna go you're going home and just rip on yeah it's because as soon as i do that's your new clothes i'm i'm nude yeah and obviously you can get in your whole i mean you can get in the whole shell it's big enough for you to get into it for sure turtles can get in i can get in didn't you ever have a bean bag growing up and like go turtle shell with it no i'd explain turtle so with a bean bag like hide under the bean bag you hide under it like the bean bags a turtle shell no did you crawl around look good question not a lot of crawling no it's more like the safety mode. You just hide under a beanbag and call it a turtle shell. What I'm saying is that sometimes... You did that, right, Mike?

Everyone did. I'm just checking. My people, they're out there. No, they are not. The turtle shells are out there. The beanbag turtle shell people are out there. Al's not one of them. Nobody's one of them.

I am one of them. Yeah! What? What? I mean, a beanbag looks like a turtle shell. When you're little, it covers your whole body. This is blowing my mind. Now, I'm...

What is... Where are my turtle shells at? Were you hiding? Or is this just like an imaginary game? You're pretending you're a turtle. Sometimes it was in the middle of like a wrestling match or something, and you'd go... He's nodding. It was just fun to put your whole body under the beanbag.

That's right. And you're just in your own little universe. I feel like if i were fighting with someone and they went turtle shell under a bean bag i would oh hop on it i would macho man randy savage and they did and you were safe and it was fun okay okay i mean it's a safe space i can't believe that more than one person have turtle shell bean bagged oh man everything i've ever said negative about al has been deemed just today honestly that's 50 of us in this room like dude give it a go i mean you need to buy a bigger bean bag but give it a go yeah those uh with that love sack yeah those are expensive i've looked into love sacks i think we've talked about this

on this show but jason has a bean bag that could fit all of us under it. Yes, that is true. Now, you'd probably get crushed under the weight of this thing, right? How heavy is this bean bag? It is. You're fine, man. It's beans. There's little beans in there. You're fine.

People can go random savages. They're baked beans. Did they ever originally start making a bean bag where it was uncooked beans? Well, actually, oh, yeah, like the hard beans that you were eating. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, is that where the name came from before it turned into the styrofoam pellets? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Why aren't they called styrofoam bags? That's because maybe they started with uncooked beans. My bean bag that i call a bean bag absolutely has no beans in it whatsoever it's all just yeah because that's not practical anymore yeah um okay a quick search of why is it called a bean bag it starts it starts off fellas. According to one historian. That's all you need.

The first beanbags were said to be invented by the ancient Egyptians. They would fill small pouches of leather with dried beans or pebbles. I just really love, according to one historian, does that make it, if you say according to one historian, is this more or less credible that we're pretending that the Egyptians started the beanbag fad? I, yeah. Can you just say anything according to one historian? But it says historian. It doesn't say according to one dude.

You know what I mean? So like this carries a little bit of weight. Is that good or bad? As do the beanbags. Yes, if they were original beans um all right all right so turtle shell is definitely my final answer are you going chameleon i was gonna go chameleon but i'm assuming you can still be hit jealous of your guys's we're gonna go turtle shells together and then do the we're gonna crush you And honestly, we got to get Al in on this because if there's four of us.

Oh, we could turtle race. Ninja. Come on, Mike. Mike. No? Mike. This was a Ninja Turtle thing. There's four of us.

There's four Ninja Turtles. Who goes to turtle race? We could turtle race. We do need a fourth for that. The three of us could never turtle race. You could never turtle race until you get a four pack i hear exactly what you're saying jason you wanted a turtle race oh boy all right we got time for another one, Al? Nope, time out. We can't move on. Okay. We got to lay claim to our turtles. Michelangelo.

Donnie. No, you're Leonardo. I'm Raphael. You're Raph. And Al's Donatello. That was clear. That's literally, my life is thinking I'm Michelangelo, but knowing I'm Leonardo.

Freaking nerd. Sorry, bud. I'm Mike. Freaking nerd. I'm eating the most pizza over here. Donatello does the most work. He does machines. And Leo pays the bills.

And Raph's got a resting angry face. He's got a really bad attitude. He's got a bad attitude, but he goes out and he gets stuff done. You know, why doesn't Michelangelo, with all that pizza, get a little lumpy is my question. Because he's a teenager. These turtles are all... I think it's the mutant part. Because he's a teenager. He still's the mutant part because he's a teenager he still has good metabolism that's it once they become the adult ninja turtles michael angelo's just gonna be rolling around senior mutant ninja turtles uh-huh

um he's not seeing his toes no no he's staying in that shell all right uh alice from the website we got time for one more, right? Yeah, we got time. Would you rather have the power to make anyone dance uncontrollably for one minute a day or have the power to make anyone fall asleep for one minute a day? It's the latter for me. It's the latter. Because I feel like I win every situation.

Yeah. Right? I mean, situation. Yeah. Right? I mean, it's like... To make them dance uncontrollably? That would be the former. Oh, the former. Yeah. I don't know.

Where are we? It's too early for this show. It's a turtle race, guys. It's too early. You ever seen one? I feel like you win everything with either of these. I guess one is very humiliating, right? I guess I was thinking I'm in a bit of a confrontation with somebody.

Okay. So which of these is more... You can just smoke bomb? Yeah. You're asleep. Goodbye. I'm out of here. I just want to run away from this conversation.

Yes. That was your intent? Yeah, just the to run away from this conversation yes that was that was your intent yeah just the fact that like i'm gonna i'm gonna win that situation i can put you to sleep yeah but you would win the situation if you make them start dance they're gonna be they're gonna be what uh crump dancing the the real angry it lasts a minute so i'm in a let's say i'm in a coffee shop and i'm in some i don't know why i'm in a coffee shop, and I'm in some... I don't know why I'm in a coffee shop, but I'm in some kind of argument with the... Barista? The barista who has given me the wrong drink.

Oh, how dare. And you know how I am with my drinks. Yeah, very particular. So, go to sleep. Is a barista a boy and a girl? Or is it a barista? I wondered the same thing. Is there a barista?

When you said barista, I was like, oh, it's a girl. But I don't know if it's a gendered word. I'm on it. I didn't like the mental picture that I was yelling at a woman in this hypothetical situation. I think I'm talking to a barista. A barista bro. Oh, there it is. According to the Google, in English, it's gender neutral.

Okay. All right. But a barista. I'm talking to the barista bro. But a barista bro is a very specific type. That one is not gender neutral. I'm talking but a barista to the barista bro but a barista bro is a very specific that one that one is not gender neutral i'm talking to the barista bro we're really getting into it what's up bro he put like three you know put a bunch of caramel i said no caramel um and we're fighting and then i hit the dance button yeah he looks dumb but nothing's nothing's solved nothing is solved anything solved if he's asleep?

I don't know. Maybe he gets fired. So here's the problem with the sleep is that it's very dangerous. I mean, you've got to have someone. First of all, they've got to be at least sitting down. Road rage situations would be bad. I've talked about that. If I had superpowers while driving, I would do some things that I regret,

and it would be too late. And if I could make anyone, just a point at someone at one point in the day and make them fall asleep, there would be people careening off the road. Oh, you're a Prius? Every day. You're a Prius? Night-night. Jason has no clue who's in the car. It's just Prius. Doesn't matter. I know you're driving poorly.s day you're a pre-s night night yeah jason has no clue who's in the car it just doesn't matter i know you're driving poorly i know that for a fact night night um

but but like let's say you're just out at a grocery store i'm just living life i have this superpower i can make anyone whether i know him or not fall asleep for a minute or dance for a minute if i'm walking around the grocery store night night and then the dude just falls over cracking his skull on the ground that's not very fun but if i'm walking through the grocery store dance party and everyone in you know the pineapple section now they're all dancing holding pineapples i guess it's a good time they're dancing holding pineapples yeah and wait till there's at least in the pineapple section where there are many people. They congregate at the old pineapple section.

It's packed today. It's packed. Everyone's looking. They're fighting over these- Why is dancing with pineapples better than dancing? Oh, because it's tropical. I thought it was the element of danger. Oh, really?

Of how spiky the pineapple is. I guess you can do it to anyone, huh? So you could go, you could walk through and make everybody dance and you see all the time. It's a flash mob. Huh. I'm taking the dance. I'm going to dance. That's going to be a lot of fun.

I feel like I would never use the sleep. What if you use the sleep one on yourself when you need to fall asleep at night? That would be the only practical reason. Like, okay, you know, my wife would be like, hey, you want to go to bed? You can't go to sleep? Yeah. All the kids. Because getting them to sleep for a minute, I know it's only a minute,

but it's like the falling asleep part that's hardest. Once they're out, maybe they wake up after a minute. I think they can go back. I feel like with this power, they wake up after a minute. Yeah. They're not groggy? They're groggy. No, you've hit a power nap.

They're ready to go. That's backfire. Take the dance. Something to really think about. Is this real life? All right, we're diving into real life news stories that each of us have found and would like to share with you and with one another and get our reaction to because well weird stuff happens in this world mike what do you got on your is this real life submission

for the week mine mine's just a quick one but it is a is a buyer beware situation. There was a man in Argentina, and he's at the largest bazaar there. He's shopping, and he gets stopped and offered to buy a pair of poodles. And clearly this man's like, I like dogs. Who can say no here to this price for a pair of poodles this is going to be great i got i got my new family dog so he picks up the pair uh paid about 150 dollars per poodle and if you know anything about buying a dog dogs don't cost that much i don't know like probably anywhere in the world so like a good pet owner takes them into them into the vet to make sure everything is good. Unfortunately, the veterinarian had to inform our friend here that he had purchased ferrets who had been given steroids at birth to increase their size.

And then were extra groomed to make them look like a fluffy toy poodle. Oh my gosh. So the guy thought he was buying poodle puppies and he bought two ferrets. Oh my gosh. That is a long con for a small reward. Oh my word. Could you imagine being the veterinarian?

Can you take a look at my poodles? Sir, those are ferrets. That's not a conversation they've ever had, so I'm going to need you to sit down. I got some bad news. Oh, my goodness. What's wrong with my dogs? Well, they're not dogs per se.

They're fish. They've been groomed. I mean, but how do they know that they were given steroids? Because I guess they were big. I've never seen. Yeah, I mean, a regular ferret looks a lot like a ferret. Yeah. That would have been like, do you want to buy two ferrets?

I've owned a ferret before. I cannot imagine mistaking it for a puppy. This is an idiot i do those are some stinky puppies you could not groom a ferret to make me believe it's a dog what if i told you your dogs right now are actually what cats there's also a very nice this is on yahoo news is where I found this. But they're real nice because at the end they have, you know, if you're thinking about buying a poodle at an Argentine market, and then there's a hyperlink that says the Daily Mail has a handy guide

how to tell whether it's a pooch or a ferret. A handy guide? Wait, someone made that? I got to click into this this this can never happen again let's produce a guide i don't think you need a guide what am i missing jason take a look in the channel actually these are these are those are not ferrets those are little baby poodles this is pretty convincing oh my god to be to, to be fair, I'm looking at these, and they've groomed them to look like a fluffy little toy poodle. But also, and I know this is bad audio and video if you're on YouTube

because we don't have the picture here, but the poodle on the left is a poodle, and the one on the right is not a poodle. You couldn't convince me. It's a monster. Apparently, this is a big problem because there was also a lady in Buenos Aires who bought a chihuahua that ended up being a ferret. That one I can believe. Chihuahuas look enough like ferrets. Wow.

So, make sure you check. It's a great thing. It's a ferret. With steroids. HGH. Yeah. Okay. check it's a great thing it's a ferret with steroids hgh yeah um okay jason you want to go yeah no i'll i'll take it so that um this should really be the sandwich i want to end with something a little bit better because this is just this is just the worst real life um michigan woman oh no charged with caring for wildlife without permit animals killed by state officials this this is what apparently you are not allowed to care for wild animals without um permission without a permit. What goes into caring? They justified that there was this deer that was kind of raised in captivity or whatever, and when they released it into the wild, it became a danger and it caused problems.

This was just the justification. I don't know how this- Started a revolution against the other deer? Yeah. What is that deer doing? So this woman owned this farm. Want to buy some people food? And it says that the farm was, you know, it was like known in the community as a place to rehabilitate wild animals,

a refuge to goats and chickens and alpacas and donkeys. What a nice thing to do. It seems pretty good to care for these wild animals. But here the state stepped in and goes, nope, you don't have a permit. So we've got to take them. We'll learn you. But wait, they slaughtered all the animals? Well, they couldn't release them into the wild.

So their answer was that. Just give the lady a permit. She's taking care of them all right. Like, we have these animals now. What do we do? No one will take care of these animals. You're going to give us $100 for that permit? You're going to pay for that permit?

Just threatening these animals. But I'm going to tell you, it gets worse. No. Yeah, it gets a little bit worse because one of the animals, Sassy, was a half-blind raccoon with Down syndrome. What? She was being taken care of. What?

Monsters. Why is this happening? This is like when you can't. And then they just help. Is this real life? Yeah. Is this real life? Unfortunately, yes.

Well. Oh, my gosh. That's depressing. Yeah. Take it up a notch. All right. Well, I don't know. Mine is about death.

Perfect. Here we go listen this was interesting to me when i found it uh its title is sustainable till death do us part and 45 days beyond it is about a new business not one i thought to create that is building mushroom coffins mushroom what. Mushroom. What? The coffins are built out of mushrooms? The mushroom. This is for the new sustainable future.

People want to renovate the way that people are buried. And so a Dutch inventor figured out a way to grow coffins out of mushrooms that actually, when you look at them, they look like sarcophaguses or sarcophagi. Yes. rooms that actually when you look at them they look like sarcophaguses or sarcophagi sir yes um and so they are made to basically you go in them and you survive uh you don't survive you're dead and then in 45 days they disintegrate beneath the earth and then serve as a fertilizer to help sustainable burial so then your body will start decomposing as well yes and they are also getting into uh sounds like a good idea to me uh they sell shirts that are called i am compost t-shirts and then they is that what you get buried in that would be that would be it doesn't say i survived the coffin and all i got was this t-shirt but then

the t-shirt doesn't decompose right the t-shirts are sold separately okay to support the mushroom coffins those are also made out of mushrooms uh because i don't really know why we got away from sarcophagi like i'd prefer to be buried in a sarcophagi that is that was the that's where the egyptian the mummies they're inside of sarcophaguses. Oh, it's just like a human-shaped coffin. Yeah, so pharaohs would be buried in them inside the pyramids. And then for cremation, they have an urn that they grow, and it can be buried with a sapling sticking out of it.

So the urn is made of mushrooms. The ashes go in the urn. And there's a sap, like you plant the urn, and it's got a sapling at the top. It grows out of the rest. You are the tree. Oh, man. What kind of tree would you potentially,

like what kind of fruit would you produce? Bananas. Okay. Okay. That'd be a banana tree. Is that because you've consumed so many banana desserts? It's because I, yes, and I love bananas. And I want to believe that bananas grow on a tree.

It's $1,000 for your own mushroom sarcophagus. You know. Are you into this? I mean, is this something that you'd be excited about, Mike? If I want. Oh. Or do you want to be double like, you know, do you want to be put into an actual coffin? No. Are you a cremation?

Yes. Station? Yeah. That's what it's called. They're like, choo-choo. All aboard the cremation station. Yeah. I mean.

Yeah. I mean, when I'm gone. Do you have that i won't be there do you have that written up somewhere uh i don't know if it's written down but i've i've expressed it to it's now documented if you don't write it down you could end up a banana tree i'm well i'm documented here oh this is what this is this is my legal serves as legal to be fair what's your full name the banana tree comes out of being cremated, so he might want both. Be cremated and then be put into a- Are you in cremation station?

No, no. I don't want to get burned. No, Jason wants to be fully preserved like in a glass case. Exactly. You see me. Like an acrylic box down there? You see me. Please bury it above ground where people can see.

Yes, bury it on a platform. So you're a burial guy. Yep. Is this because you want to headstone people to congregate around it what about the mausoleum don't want to be burned up you know yeah and the mausoleum is a good idea yeah are you cremation station now i am yeah yeah harvest my organs and burn my body yeah like you know that your your body will if it's not burned it's just going to break down but the organs are the best part of my mushrooms for the tree oh the tree that's a bummer for the tree but it's a good news for people that

need organs all right let's uh let's draft the spitballers draft all right today jason has the very first pick in the draft and we are we are selecting self-serving punishments for your children. We are all fathers to three children. And, look, we've been through it all. I'm sure every kind of punishment under the sun. Look, the timeout punishment doesn't do a lot for me, right? They're just sitting in the corner. That doesn't really help.

So if you were drafting punishments that maybe they, maybe they help a little bit, maybe they do you some favors. What are you taking? Number one? Yeah. I don't think there's a great draft to have the number one pick, but when I look at my list, a lot of times I'm going to order this by what would I like to do the

least? And this might be something I know that there are um psychotic people that actually enjoy this but to me and because of where we live the number one thing we're in arizona yeah okay yep it gets 115 degrees outside where you melt i ain't doing yard work in the summer. I ain't going out there to pick up the dog poop and all the dogs tore up a garbage bag all across the yard. Why don't you go walk around 115 degree heat? I didn't do anything wrong, but your grades were bad.

Your grades were bad. Get outside and sweat it off. And die. So I'm doing yard work in the summer. Okay. Yard work is, that's got to be near the top of the list. I mean, you get some things done that would be on your list. Yeah.

And somebody else does them, which is why I'm going to go with what I think is the singular worst household chore. And the one you need to do a lot, especially if you have a bigger family. Oh, I know. Yeah, it's the worst. You're doing the laundry, boy. For sure. Oh, you're going to wash them. You're going to dry them.

You're going to fold them. You're going to hang them. The folding. Like, the actual laundry's not too bad. I agree. Just dumping it into a giant machine and pushing a button. No, but it's not the folding. It's the putting it away.

Yeah, it's not super fun for me. Maybe it's my height, but I don't love taking it out of the dryer either when it's, you know. Sure. Or actually moving it from the washer to the dryer is not super fun for me. Maybe it's my height, but I don't love taking it out of the dryer either. When it's, you know. Sure. Or actually moving it from the washer to the dryer is not super fun. On my list, I had putting away laundry. Because that's really the issue. I'll wash it. I'll dry it.

But then it's like, oh, that part was so easy. You've been so bad, you're doing it for everyone. Everyone in the house. Do all the laundry. That's my important punishment for my child. All right. Mike. I have two picks here.

I'll start with a more regular one of, look, the dogs get dirty. And they get smelly. And we have two Bernadoodles. So it's not as easy as you just. Or do you have ferrets? I might. I might. I need to go to the vet and make sure that everything's on the up and up.

But washing these majestic creatures with their long hair. And the smell. It's not just, you don't just shampoo them and dry them and you're done. You shampoo them. You got to brush out like every inch of their hair. Are you doing a lot of dog baths in your house? No, because now my children are going to be doing them for a punishment. I'm going to teach them some patience.

I can't stand wet dog smell. Oh, it's because it's terrible. It's like, and it lasts for a while. You're like, you know when the dog has got a bath. All right, so they're giving the dogs a bath. Yes. Have you, I am curious, have you assigned that task to them before? I have assigned that task to the professionals because.

Yeah, that's the issue with doing the kids punishment is I'm, on this list, I'm like not sure it's going to get done well. You know, it's like you're doing the laundry. That is a problem. You're putting it away. You're doing it for everybody,'re putting it away you're doing it for everybody not just yourself you're gonna put everyone's clothes away they don't know where everyone's clothes go it's gonna be the wrong one this one's gonna be in the wrong closet and everything's gonna get lost and or they're just gonna hide it doing it poorly was one of my strategies as a child when I was it's that's

a universal strategy yeah all right so giving the dogs a bath is your first pick. What's your second pick? My second one is, look, love my parents very, very much, but I'm not much of a conversationalist unless I have something very specific to talk about. And it's, look, you're going to call Grandma, and you're going to check in on her, see how her day was. The punishment.

The proxy chat with grandma. Yep. Make sure everything's okay over there. Tell her about your day. Wow. Make grandma feel special today. Now, that's funny, because that's not obviously on my list, and I know that is a Mike special. Oh, that is perfect.

And I like that you're teaching them that this is a punishment part of the part of the problem with making a kid do something anything as a punishment is now you have associated like go clean your room okay well apparently cleaning my room is only to be done when i am in trouble and i am being punished instead of like, this is, so it is a little bit backwards working this way, but yeah. So calling grandma, it's a punishment. All right. So, uh, is it back to me?

It is indeed. They're doing the laundry and, uh, well, they're going to do something else because they, I'm going to train them in the way that they should go as a bathroom specialist. They are going to be cleaning the bathrooms. And that is the punishment. They're going to learn the value of hard work. Scrubbing toilets on their knees. Work I don't want to do.

Yes. Work I don't want to smell. Yeah, the dirty work. The dirty work. Now, I do agree with this. But one of the things is, like, cleaning the bathroom is, when it comes to having to actually do chores, bathroom cleaning, once you are over the, like, the ew, I have to clean the toilet, it is, like, the easiest job.

It's like, go vacuum the house. That's going to take, I mean, depending on the size of your house, but, like, that's like a 20, 30-minute job. It's the only one that involves poop, though. Right. But cleaning a bathroom, you can get that thing done in like 10 minutes. As long as you're not doing the shower on the top. Yeah, because that'll take a long time. But it's also gratifying.

Oh, they're doing everything. It's also gratifying because there are things that are very dirty that pretty easily become clean. Right. It's the porcelain factor. Porcelain, you know, you see it when you win the porcelain factor porcelain you know you clean it yeah i'm just talking like you clean mirrors that's like always i don't know that feels good or washing windows like oh i didn't realize how dirty this was i didn't realize how clean i could make it and that was super easy i just wiped it that's all i did i sprayed some on a wipe it Why don't we do this more often?

All right, Jason, you have two picks now. You selected yard work for the first one. Yeah, I ain't going out there in that heat. I don't do heat. But I'm starting to worry here about associating punishment with chores. Good for you. Yeah, thank you. I'm a super dad. So instead, I want to make sure that this is something that I don't want to do. That's taken care of. Probably even better than I would do. Interesting. And it's not going to really be associated too much because it's a rare thing. But specifically, I'm going to be looking for what my kid did wrong when i get home from ikea

i'm gonna be i'm gonna be searching their homework and their text oh you're gonna go find it i'm gonna find what they did wrong oh my goodness you're building that desk that's your punishment. And then I will go kick my feet up and I will. That's a good pick. Yeah. Furniture assembly. Now that is. No, Ikea furniture assembly. But that is also, to be fair, an area where, now you said they might do it better.

Not than you, but than me, yes. Oh, I see. If I build that desk, it's coming down. I thought you might. I was going to say, I thought maybe after they got done, you would build that desk it's coming down i thought you might as you say i thought maybe after they got done you would sit down and it's all crashing i don't think i've ever built something from ikea where i've had to revert three pages at some point that you haven't had to do that yeah yeah you're like and that drawers inside out the inside out drawers i follow every step why is it always wrong and i like, well, if you look clearly, the tiny little top edge here is marked with the slashes to let you know that that's apparently the unfinished side.

My favorite is getting towards the end of a project and realizing I used the wrong screw length for the earlier part of the project. And then I'm like, what am I supposed to do now? You got to undo. have a a desk it's a sewing station uh desk that if you open the door to it you can clearly see on the inside that one of those things is is super wrong and upside down it's like the inside out drawer and i was too far along by the time i got that i'm like no no i'm not going forward yeah this is how it is now and that that exists all right your second pick here all right my second pick is just real life it and sad to admit that this is the most frequent way that one of my children gets out of their grounding. Once we get towards the end, they can.

This is the good behavior? This is the good behavior. They can finish the grounding officially five minutes each foot put that time around baby oh i think you've done a great job this week uh and i think you're ready to be ungrounded in about 10 minutes yeah that is that's beautiful this is not hypothetical this is not hypothetical. This is not a joke for a show. This has got to be 20 times. Oh, my. You've got parents.

Now, what is the sound that they make when they realize that this offer has been made? They're excited now. They know. And, you know, it's like I would take a back rub or whatever, but they suck at that. They're really good with feet. So have at it. Wow. Okay. We have Alexa set a five minute timer our uh you know a funny

thing about like kids not understanding yet truly what is the value of money what should what is a lot of money what is a small what should should this cost that much and when we take trips like we're we're disney people and if you've ever spent a day at disneyland i mean you're on your feet for 12 hours very little sitting a lot you've by the end of that you've walked miles and miles and miles ferrets are barking exactly oh man what sound does a ferret make what would you call call that for the onomatopoeia? I had one, but I don't even remember. Is it more like a meow or a squeak?

Squeak. Is it a merp? Ooh. I don't know. But anyways, so at the end, and the kids are so hungry to buy things at Disneyland that they get into a competition of, I will rub your feet. But then they start bidding against each other. Nice.

Bidding down? Yeah. Like, I'll do it for a dollar. Yeah, they start undercutting each other. So by the end of it, I get like a 10-minute foot massage for like a dollar. Ooh. Nice. And I give them their dollar.

They're so stoked. Wow. They're like, yeah, got a dollar. I'm like, yeah, you only need like 30 more of those and then maybe you could buy a churro um all right i have laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and i'm gonna go with um it's just one that i if i could have it happen all the time i would but it's work and you gotta you know they're they're almost built at a size, children, that it's kind of easier for them to even do this.

And it's detailing my car. Oh, no, that was going to be my last answer. It's detailing my car. It's their fault anyways. Yeah. I open the back seat of my car door sometimes, and I am like. What happened? Did you just murder Pop-Tarts?

Yeah, the box of Ritz crackers. You ate them like dogs? Ferrets. Yeah, sorry. You ate them like ferrets? I mean, I had my car detailed the day before I was taking a group out to dinner. So I go to get in this car proud of how it looks the next night

and when I open my back door it's so embarrassing it's like what did you do you had 24 hours and you destroyed my car they can climb all over it and clean everything I'm so upset Andy I wanted them to detail my car

Mike your final two picks so the final two picks all right so the final two picks things that are obnoxious but do need to get done now obviously the kid has to be a little bit older or do they I mean it's really up to them uh but look I need you to go gas up the car. Oh, okay. Or do they? Or do they? I'm just saying, if I'm not in the car and they took the car and I get a phone call that says your son is driving. Has crashed into a what?

He stole my car. But look, when you get in the car and it's on E, it is just the worst feeling in the world because it's always when you're running late and you need to get somewhere and you did not budget the five minutes or whatever extra you need to go to the gas station. And I just don't want to do it. Fair enough. So, look, you got your driver's license.

Congratulations. You get to go gas up the car now. I feel like that punishment has the potential to really get them, too. Like if they've done something wrong. And let's say you're three quarters of a tank. And you can still tell them to do it. Of course. I'd like a full tank.

Yeah. But, Dad, you have three quarters of a tank. Full. I said full. You still have to make the same drive. And it's on your dime. Oh. You go fill this thing up.

Coming out of your chore money. Freak ass. All right. Mike, one more. And, okay, so then for my last one. Look, I don't know how this came. I was just trying to think of things that are a nuisance. And, look, everyone should perform their civic duty.

Like, vote. Oh, my gosh. Vote. Make sure you. But, vote. Oh, my gosh. Vote. Make sure you... But you got... The problem with voting, you have to be educated on what you are voting on. And every two years or so, you get that giant pamphlet in the mail, and it's all the propositions. And I'm like, I don't got time to read up on this.

What, you want the TLDR from your eight-year-old? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. got time to read up on this. What, you want the TLDR from your eight-year-old? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. What are we voting on, son? Wow, I think the only funny thing about that is that the kid's going to give you all the proposition votes to get the new playgrounds built at the local park. So be it. I'm going to be impressed if they understand.

I'll read those propositions be like i'm pretty sure i'm i am a hundred percent i just read this three times and i am confident that i'm not sure which way i vote on this means am i approving it or not they use language it's like triple negative and i'm like i i'm not not not going to build a new park i know what i want to have happen with this prop i I just don't know which vote is that. Well, look, hey, build yourself a better world, kid. It's on you. You've made me

want to now input those into chat, GBT. I think that could be a real... Please summarize this for me. Alright, this last one, I want to have a little fun with it. I don't want to go with the traditional thing. I want to look at something that might entertain me as they're punished. It might be just a little bit funny. I have doing the at something that might entertain me as they're punished. It might be just a little bit funny. I have

doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and detailing my car, but now I would like you to be my new personal Alexa device as a child. I want to ask anything of you. And you have to give me, what's the

score of the game? What's the score of the game what's the latest news today what's the weather and i think i'd be entertained by watching them run around trying to figure this information out and be my little personal herald how long of a timeline do you give them do you say for one hour is this like this week or i think it's a day okay i think it's a you're my personal herald for a day you're my uh electronic assistant for a day nice and they've got to figure it out and then they come back and report and they have to do it's a, you're my personal herald for a day. You're my electronic assistant for a day. Nice. And they've got to figure it out, and then they come back and report, and they have to do it in a voice that sounds a little bit like a computer.

I would like to believe that as soon as you ask them that question, they just turn around and repeat that question. Will not be allowed. Ah, okay. They have to at least Google. No, you have to encyclopedia. Oh. You've got to go through the books. Okay, so you're getting some old data.

Yeah. What's the score? Are they still updating this data. Yeah. I'm getting a little. What's the score? Are they still updating those? That's what I was going to ask. Are they still selling updated encyclopedias? Only to libraries. Are libraries even buying those?

Are libraries still around? Big encyclopedia. I mean, people used to sell encyclopedias door to door. Right. And I imagine. Big encyclopedia has gone down. Clearly, the profit margins on encyclopedias were very good, but those can't exist anymore, right? No, they can't.

It would be more like a boutique. I'm a bougie fella, so I got to have my information from a hardbound book. All right, Jason, close this out on this draft. One final pick. All right, I really wanted cleaning out my car. That was going to make me love my list. Instead, I'm going to take another one that is specific to my situation because most of my list is, right?

Yard work in the summer might be nice if you're in cold weather. Well, that was foot massage. So, I mean, you know, I am going to use them as stair mules. They all will be running all of the things upstairs and downstairs. I thought you were making them carry you up the stairs. I thought he was using them as physical stairs to get to higher shelves. Yeah. No, I am just basically.

Stairs are the worst. Stairs are the worst. Stair runners. If you have a home with stairs, you know that over time you accumulate piles of things near the stairs are the runners if you have a home with stairs you know that over time you accumulate piles of things near the stairs you stack them by the stack or over on the corner or whatever you got a million things that you just have not wanted to take upstairs and downstairs and walk upstairs and downstairs not yet but what did you do you know what you're doing now you are taking all of this stuff up and down.

That's going to be 20 trips. I like the definition, stair mule. That is very funny. Because it also makes me think you have strapped a lot of that to them, and they're now hauling it up the stairs. They got a backpack. They got saddlebags. Yeah.

And they got me on their back. All right. Let's go. That is the end of our self-serving punishments for children drafts a couple things i did not take that i thought about the dog poop in the backyard personal chef but i don't know how that's gonna end up yeah i'd make dinner on there yeah those were on the list mopping and doing the floors was on the list grocery store testing out expired food i thought was especially more morbid Yeah, that's just brutal.

Yeah. Drink that milk. Is that still good? No, you cannot. Is that still good? You cannot smell it. Is that still good? Just try it. All right, what else do you guys have?

I had another for the older kid, an airport pickup. Ooh. Yeah. You're really looking forward to when they have their license. Yeah, get out of here. Nice. Jason? I've got party preparation.

We're always putting on parties. Like, you decorate, you clean, doing dishes, and organizing the garage, which, again, is just because it gets too hot. Makes sense. Makes sense. What did we learn today? Oh, go ahead. I learned that you need a fourth for a great turtle race.

I see you took mine. That's why I wanted to go first. I learned that I need a fourth for a great turtle race. You took mine. That's why I wanted to go first. I learned that I'm lumpy. And that is a tough lesson. We're all lumpy. We're all lumpy together. I learned that a parrot can look sort of like a dog. Thanks for tuning in, supporting the show.

We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast