Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 247: Bathroom Confessions & Boring Things - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

On this episode, we discuss hot doctors. Don’t worry, you can still have the show on with the kids around. We also talk about poop clocks, bathroom blowups, and toilet triumphs. We shut things down with a draft of boring things! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yada, yada, oh oh well banana i know what you were going for because i'm in on the planning for the show right but the others no i mean people should know but i was gonna say you almost then turned into a crooner i did yeah i mean I didn't really know. I knew what I wanted to sound like. I wanted to go for a little bit of an Eeyore.

But then, you know. But you couldn't stop the croon. I was actually a little jealous. I feel like he got out of one. Like, he didn't have to do a scat. Which, kudos, because it was very clever and it makes complete sense. I'm just, I wish I was the scout on this episode. You wish you had thought about it? Yeah, well, we're drafting boring things on today's podcast.

Crooning is not boring. No, no, and it's hard to, if Eeyore had been doing most of his talking with music in the background, Eeyore would have actually been a crooner. I don't know if you knew that. Winnie the Pooh, that should just be, that should be the 101. For boring? Just the whole show. Now, see, that's a terrible take.

Well, it says Mr. Rogers. Yeah. No, no, no. Winnie the Pooh is actually good. Thank you, Mike. Things can be good and boring. That's not completely mutually exclusive, but it is a boring show. So that means by that logic logic then some boring is good

yeah like the grand canyon oh my gosh oh man here we are this episode is a huge problem here we are just saying it's amazing jason has been uh it's also boring you tell i mean if you're hiking the Grand Canyon, okay, maybe that's not boring. But if you're just standing up looking out at the view... Don't do a podcast like this with an ADHD guy. Or just someone who's an unsophisticated swine. Yeah. Would you rather and highway to spell on the show today? Is highway to spell boring Jason.

Can you spell the word boring. Be boring. Yeah. That would be the shortcut. We are what two episodes away from Al breaking in with the scat. Episode 249. What's up Al. What's up.

Yeah. Talk about Jason not being grateful for the scat that he gets out of. He was giving you a hard time for. I know. For getting out of a scat. Speaking of owl scat, I had a daydream while in the bathroom minutes ago. Oh, good. And usually these are things that you shouldn't share on a podcast. This is totally fine.

It's on topic. I was thinking, I know owl. I know he's going to be all prepared for a scat like last time. I know he's going to be all prepared for a scat like last time. And so I had this daydream where next show, Andy hits the button, Mike, you're about to scat. And I jump in and I say, oh, we're going to surprise Al and make him do it now. And so now that I've just shared this, he doesn't know if I'm going to do that or not next episode. You don't know if I'm going to do that or not? So he'll just be ready ahead of time. That's right. I can tell you I have nothing prepared currently.

Oh. I would go with what I went with. It was great. Welcome in, everybody. Thank you for supporting the show. We exist because you listen, and we appreciate you listening and telling your friends about the podcast.

I was talking to somebody the other day who was kind enough to say that like sometimes they have a bad day. And the antidote is this ridiculousness that they put on to cheer him up because nothing on this show. We don't take it very seriously, as you can tell, but it just lightens the mood. Yeah, Eeyore would have been Tigger if he listened to the footballers. He'd be jumping around and being all crazy. So you know the characters at least. Yeah, it's not a bad show. It's just boring.

It's good. Have you seen the latest movie? Oh, it's pretty good. The one with Ewan McGregor? No, not the live action. Oh, okay. No, get that one. No, the one with the Baxon.

I have not seen it, no. It's great. I made some Hufflepuffs and Woozles reference the other day. Oh, sensational. And the people around me didn't know what I was talking about. What? They were very confuseled? That is correct.

All right, let's get it going. Would you rather? All right logan from patreon would you rather not be able to bend at the elbows or bend at the knees so you have to basically replace your leg okay or your arm kind of with you know so. So the joint is gone. The joint is gone. It's like a stick. Yeah, we got sticks. I mean, I guess you have ankle joints and wrist joints still, right? Right, right, yeah. You got hands and feet that can move independently,

but you can't bend in the knees. I mean, these are both real bad. I feel like one is way worse. Which your default is going to say the legs are worse. Correct. Because you're going to walk around and you're going to look ridiculous. It's not just for that. The problem is you can be sitting.

Well, that's not comfortable. You're sitting, but your legs are out in front of you. Okay, Jason, work on your computer right now if you had no elbows. The problem. No elbow joints. Easy. That doesn't look easy. It looks stupid.

I'm not saying any of it looks good, but I can easily type from a distance. But now sit in a car and drive without your knees. How are you doing that? I don't think you could do the arm one in the car. You could drive with your forearms. Are you putting them through the steering wheel? No, I don't think through. Because if you have to hold them out here, your legs aren't reaching the pedals.

No, this is a hands-free operation. This is forearms. Yeah, you could do the forearms. You turn with your forearms sometimes. How's your pickleball game with either one? I mean, functional. Well, not functional with the knees. Yeah, if you locked your arm out,

you could still make some things happen. Make some things happen. I think you're disabled either way. Yeah, it's going to be a hindrance. Which one looks worse? So the straight legs reminds me of, speaking of the bathroom, when you've been on the john there for a while, and you get up, and you get the stanky leg, and your legs fall completely asleep.

Oh, yeah. And then you, that's basically how I walk. Oh, okay, yeah. I walk with my legs basically locked out. And is that because you think if you bend at all, you're going down? Oh, yeah, for sure. These legs don't work. Have you ever fallen down?

Yes, I have. I have done exactly what you're saying. There was a time. I knew one of us had to have fallen. This was real. This happened. It was actually after a day where we played pickleball for hours. You had some cramps?

Well, my legs were just exhausted and then after that i go home and i'm actually sitting in my computer chair for a long time and that happened where apparently i was sitting in a way where my blood flow was cut off to my legs and they were completely just asleep and i went to stand up and i got out of my chair and you just went straight down i just went to the right because it was my right leg that just was like, you don't work no more. And it really was exactly that. I stood up.

I told my legs to work. My leg didn't work. I fell over. Is there, I mean, is this, if you didn't have legs or you didn't have arms, which would you choose? Is it different than this question? Yeah. Oh yeah, this is much different. Because you can still functionally yeah are you walking i mean how do you walk without being able to bend your knees i is there an argument to be made that it could

actually be better to not have legs than to have legs without bending legs without bending knees possibly i think there are some advantages. Yeah, because they're going to get in the way if you can't bend the knee. Oh, yeah. I mean, put it this way. Use a wheelchair with straight legs. Right. That's uncomfortable.

You're knocking into things. Yes. You're not going to be a good dancer, that's for sure. That's my problem. You could still do spins. I'm a good dancer, that's for sure. That's my problem. You could still do spins. I'm a great dancer right now, but if you locked my knees... That's the end. It's over. Then you wouldn't want to watch me dance.

I guess we have to answer the question. I'm going to keep my functioning arms. As will I. Yeah. We'll make it a three-pack. I may do what you said, though. I may just have them removed. The arms?

No, the legs. Okay, that's, yeah. I'm saying I'm keeping my arms functioning. And then, that's what you said, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. So maybe we just do like a group amputation. Okay. Get a discount that way.

Yeah. Like a group on? Yeah. Group off. Oh! Yeah. There it was. Ethan from the website, would you rather have odorless farts but ten times smellier poop? We're back, baby! Thank you

to all the listeners out there that most of their questions have to do with fecal matter. Would you rather have odorless farts but ten times smellier poop or odorless poop but 10 but five times smellier farts this is a magical question because i'm gonna let you all in on a secret but there it's only 5x smellier on the farts yeah why why five why is it not 10 i'll tell you why it would have made the question too easy i mean we're taking odor away from something and then we're magnifying the other why i'm still taking the 10 times smell your poop mike right yeah so i mean that that's that's the point here is just

trying to it's trying to make this it's trying to make this an even question i some people go all the time go poop all the time yeah yeah are three, four, five times a day. I have a family member that I know is five or six times. I see them every time I look in the mirror. I'm in my family too.

But like, wouldn't that change the equation? Like, how many times a day are you? I'm usually once, maybe twice. Once, twice, Mike?

Yeah, one to two range. Yeah, I'm a onesie. You knock it out. I'm a once, maybe twice. Once, twice, Mike? Yeah, one to two range. Yeah, I'm a onesie. You knock it out. I'm a onesie. That's it. Mike, I am a onesie. You have no idea what I do my one turn a day.

He was getting pretty riled up at the fact that there's people that have to go poop four times a day. What are you doing over there? You don't know how to poop right the first time? You got to get all that out. I think it's a privilege to be able to go more than once. Oh, okay. So that was jealousy. My body doesn't work. I'm jealous.

If I could just... Al? I'm four to five. See? You know how much more toilet time he gets because of that? Is that what you're jealous of? The phone time? That's pretty nice.

What's the limit that your spouse can get mad at you for? Because you're associating it like, I'm going to have my bathroom time. I'm going to get on my phone. If it's a real poop. Yeah, if it's a real poop. If it's a real poop, you got a 10-minute window. You should be allowed. You got 10 minutes in and out.

Each time. That's not bad, but I doubt that's what you do. It's not like chess where you have a running timer. You hit the button. You got 30 minutes a day. Yep. This one was only 12 minutes. I've got, I got 24 left.

Yeah. How, how long are each of these journeys to the restroom and how much do we need to dock your pay? About eight to 10 minutes about eight to ten minutes eight to ten minutes four to five times a day not all during the work twice here twice here that's what's happened into our plumbing yeah he's really ruining that that's that's why that's really I would imagine healthy you're probably never feeling uh bloated never backed up brooks that's nice very important question well since i have to uh maybe a couple times a couple times a day we're all pretty

regular gotten through all that and then like you got to me and i was like once a week oh i haven't pooped in five days oh man that would be brutal so So, I mean, how do you not take just the smell of your poops? You have to. That's an environment that is meant. Yeah. It's got a fan built into it. I don't have a fan in my butt. Well, you kind of do.

It blows air out all the time. What is the definition of a fan? Something that moves air? Not a farting butt, Jason. Okay. I mean, does it have to have oscillation? No, because Dyson has fans that... It's just the ring?

Well, it has to be able to produce air for longer than 60 seconds. That's stage one of a fan. Oh, length of time. It's length of time. All right. I don't know. Jason might be able to pull that off. I can definitely pull that off.

If you're telling me 60 seconds, I can make this work. Going into work and going to people's houses, if you're a four to fiver, now what do you do? Because if it's 10 times worse, you've blown. You hit it with the Ace Ventura. Do not go in there. I mean, it's just it's a bit. Do you put a sign up?

Yeah. You come with just a bunch of sticky signs or the tape for murder. The like police caution tape. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's just have police tape with you at all times. I could just see Jeremy Alborland panicking so much that he's literally just like replacing the toilet

every time he's doing the plumbing um do you guys give me permission to say one of the grossest things that's been said on this podcast I don't know I don't know dude too bad I take it anyways is it does there need to be a warning no there's no warning this is really just shameful and since I have very little shame this when you pooped your pants as a grown man Is it, does there need to be a warning? No, there's no warning. This is really just shameful. And since I have very little shame. Is this when you pooped your pants as a grown man? No, no, that's a well-documented story. The documentary comes out on August 26th.

No, I think, when this question was read, all I thought was, I think I prefer stinkier poops oh well i think i think i want to wreck that thing like this is now you're you're into it i think this is this is a win-win i don't have stinky farts and now i get a 10 times stinkier poop heck yeah i want to be like what did i eat i will be honest the first if you if you make the agreement here the first couple times i'm real curious yes the first but i think it will wear off well i mean i'm just saying 10x is don't underestimate 10 times that's true and it's 10 times whatever's normal and because sometimes it's like whatever and every now and then it's like what i just described we're going whoa and i feel like that might be like 3x you're normal yeah so 10 times the three times like now i'm am i passing out is this am i am i not expecting you might have methane poisoning yeah it could become difficult. When you know it's bad in the bathroom, you know that this is a really bad situation that

you can't have anyone else come in here. Because you can handle your own. Yeah. 10X. I'm still taking it. You can't have stinkier farts. No one wants a stinky fart. I don't ever fart and go, oh, I'm so happy that stunk.

If you had the 10X stinkier, you will be going outdoors. You have to leave where you're at and go outdoors. You might have to start telling people, I've got to fart. I will see you in 8 to 10 minutes. Oh, if you're taking the farting, yeah. Because you've got to walk away. I thought you were saying the 10 times stinkier're no like you the fart i take my dumps outside but that's fine too so what i know you you you're gonna have the fan on but eat but with 10x

i mean that's that's seeping out uh you're gonna need industrial fan upgrade yes yeah that will be something that you'll have to talk to your employer about. And that's not a good conversation. When you go in and you say, listen, I appreciate the job offer. I had to make a deal. I appreciate the job offer, but we will need to be, I have a condition. Maybe you've heard of it. It's 10 times smellier poops.

And we will need the company to upgrade this fan. Am I completely alone in my thoughts of sticky poop like is there a piece of any of you that's with me that's like i get what you're saying only for the first one i'm curious about the first i'm saying in life already no i i can understand like when you when you know that you've really done work and there is a, there is a self satisfaction of, I have just destroyed this place. Yes.

So I am with you that there, there isn't a fear alone. There's a feeling of accomplishment. Yes. I just didn't want to be the only, I don't see any producers agreeing with you. I don't think I'm agreeing with you. No,

not me. Oh, so I want to watch the world burn. It's just like when you go and you're like I got it. I got to look at it. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're together. I got to check this out. What did I do. Telling me that you haven't gone and then go talk to yourself i gotta i gotta see what just happened you are a liar you're lying listen this is so wonderful because this is true of everyone women men there's no way that there's someone out there that you're never been like

taking a look i gotta see it's shameful and it's disgusting, but it's true of everyone. I can't believe there's someone that has never had that. That happens when you're surprised. Yeah. At anything. What would be crazy is if this question was, it's a literal dice roll on each of these.

So it's half the time is normal farts. Half the time it's 10 times worse. Half the time is normal poop. Half the time it's 10 times worse. And you is normal poop half the time it's 10 times worse and you didn't know i think this is one of my favorite show moments all the time exposing humanity mark they're checking their no no no no last question yes have you have you ever called someone over. Oh no you have it. Oh sometimes there's a trophy in there. It's got to be seen. We're never ever. This is the last show. Al doesn't have to scan ever again. We can turn that a seat down further because? Because I am sweating over here.

Oh, thank you, Mike. Got to ask the tough questions. For your humility and your humanity. Mark from the website. Would you rather have all your carbonated beverages be ice cold but flat or be warm but perfect carbonation? Ice cold flat. Easy.

I think you could learn to enjoy it. I think the reason you hate a flat Coke is because there's an expectation. If you drink a flat Coke, it's old, it's wrong. The flavor's probably still delicious. As soon as it hits your mouth, you're like, oh, yuck.

You know what? Generally, the flat Coke also comes with... Warmth. Well, yeah, and melted ice. Yes. Sometimes it's watered down. So if you had a full concentration of flat Coke, ice cold, it wouldn't be that bad if you just knew. So the only way to really test it, you got to pour Coke.

Hot carbonated is just not a world I want to live in. You're not going to drink it. Hot carbonated means you have cans of nothing. Is there? I think it actually hurts more too. Yeah, probably the size of the bubbles. I bet there's something going on. There's some science there.

Is there a drink that is a carbonated beverage that's supposed to be served warm? Can you think of any off the top of your head? The only thing I've heard of, and I don't remember if it's flat or not, but hot Dr. Pepper is a thing. Yes, that is definitely a thing. I've seen it served. Yes. Hot Dr. Pepper. But I don't know how flat it is.

No, it's not flat. It's not flat. No, they just heat up fresh. So just hot Dr. Pepper. I do remember that. Yeah, so that is one. Hot Dr. Pepper? What are people doing?

You've never heard of this? I've seen it multiple different places. It sounds vaguely familiar. Ironically, carbonated drinks tend to lose their fizz at higher temperatures. Okay. So this is an impossible question. Maybe a little bit. Hot Dr.

Hot Dr. Hot Dr. It's Hot Dr. Pepper. Yeah yeah this isn't just a hot doctor mike that's what i would if i were ordering it that's how i'd order that's how it'd be on the menu yeah i'll take a hot doctor yeah come on yeah that makes sense that is absolutely that's pro marketing right there um but no are we all in agreement with the ice cold? Yeah, I would take the ice cold. And I'm actually curious. I call it cold, Dr. Pepper. I'm curious how it would be because I don't think I've ever had ice cold flat soda.

No, I don't think any of us have. But I guess that would be the way I'd go just because of refreshment. Man. I feel like this just means that all beverages that were carbonated are no longer on the list. Think about this. We drink a lot of LaCroix or the flavored water, carbonated flavored water. When you take the carbonation out.

It's terrible. No, it isn't. They sell Dasani and stuff that have flavors in them you just need the expectation you get flavored water all the time flat flavored water yeah there's i don't know there's something different you're not into that though i'm saying that no i'm like a flat lacroix is because it's hot yeah it might be i know what you say it might be because it's hot but it is disgusting i don't think I've ever had a chilled one. We got to do this for science.

You literally have to pop open a LaCroix and then go put it in the fridge open and then wait a few days and then go drink it. I'm going to do that. All right. See ya. I'm going to do that right now. He's out. Jason has left.

I think he really is doing it. Well, because we got to follow through. Are we going to keep the podcast running until it gets flat? Jason has left. I think he really is doing it. Well, because we've got to follow through. Are we going to keep the podcast running until it gets flat? What are the odds that that lasts a few days without getting knocked over in the fridge, though? Not high. I think we can just put a note on it. Put a note. Did you do it?

Yeah, he's coming back in. I think Jason is coming back into the studio. He popped up. Somebody's going to go find that thing and be really disappointed. We just got to tell people not to throw it away. They're going to be like, so I put an open can in here. Or someone will be in there very soon and say, ah, the work is done for me. We're just ready.

I'm sure, Mike, if you opened a random refrigerator and saw an open soda, you'd be like, thank you. That's so much easier. me grab that um okay well we'll run the test and report back you guys want to do one more or highway to spell uh one more 10 more i don't want to get to highway to spell let's move on highway to spell apparently mike is the returning chump oh it says champ yeah champion sorry it's probably because you can't spell oh yeah i think andy went out right away last time He did, he was out in 5th grade That was some baloney Jason, you were out in 6th grade

where Mike won Let's try to do better, boys Look, I did the best I could possibly do You did, do it again Andy, here is your So I start Because you only do it when I'm scatting

You only put Highway to Spell when I'm scatting? You only put highway to spell when I'm scatting? No, it's just always Andy, Mike, Jason. This is not... Okay. All right. Go ahead. Here's your fifth grade level word. Cat.

Actually. Oh, come on. All right. That one I can do. Actually. A-C-T-U-A-L-L-Y. Actually. I mean, that one I can do.

Any more brain busters? Thank you. You got it. That sounded like a fifth grade word. That sounded like a second grade word. No. Second graders would leave the second L out. Yeah.

All right, champ. Here is your fifth grade level word. Continent. Oh, that's definitely not it. Hold on. Continent? Continent. Oh, that's definitely not it. Hold on. Continent? Continent. I was about to say the champ should always start one grade level ahead.

We do do that after three wins in a row. Oh, okay. All right. Continent, Mike. I keep writing the word content over and over again. Content? You forget to put more in there? Yeah, I did.

Uh-oh. Oh, this would be great. This is a funny one. This one does not seem particularly challenging. It doesn't, but I'm sure I've got it wrong. Yeah, continent. You're good, Jay. I can see you're bored.

You're good. Okay. Continent. Easy. C-O-N-T-E-N-E-N-T. Bye-bye. Yes! Yes yes the champ is gone it's oh it's an i yeah that dude the i that got in your head i spelled oh you spelled content so you left the e in there yes i got trapped on that but i was gonna say also the uh i and e i had a word today just like literally just today

where i'm like the machine's telling me i'm spelling it wrong like what am i doing and that's because i put an e instead of an i look that was super embarrassing for mike yeah super i i can't even believe that happened we just need jason to get this right because if not this segment is real short i'll be going back to the other segment all right jason here's your fifth grade level word no problem furniture okay you got this i think i got this i think it was i think it was easy to write furniture f-u-r-n-i-t-u-r-e oh my goodness all right i'm the smartest man alive. Mike.

Yeah. You've got a ticket to the rest of this show. All right. Oh man. Darn. You're out. Oh, I never thought about just losing out first word.

And then it's easy. I'm hosting baby. I feel like Mike's the champion again. He just pulled off the scat move that I did. All right. Let's hear it. All right, let's hear it. All right, Andy, here is your sixth grade level word. Encouragement.

Hmm. Uh-oh. Encouragement. I have so many letters in this word. All right, here we go. I got you. E-N-C-O-U-R-A-G-E-M-E-N-T, encouragement. That's how I have it as well.

That was a delay there. You had me worried. I had that one right. But that's a long word. I get it. Yeah, I just had to double check. You were good. All right, Mike.

Nope. Your word is continent. Content. Yeah. Content got stuck in my head. All right. All right, Jason. here is your sixth grade level word equator oh shoot you got that way can you play that again equator equator huh equator equator oh man equator oh might be over might be over yeah this is over okay here we go goodbye everybody equator e how am i doing so far good so far so good q u a t o r oh i got it yeah i thought mike was shaking his head no on the second letter.

No, because. I thought you were going E-R at the end. I saw your board. Hold your board up. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. You saw that. Yeah, it looked like an E.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no. All right. What's up? Welcome to seventh grade, Jay. Is there like a cursive O in the middle? I wrote an E first.

Oh, okay. And then I was like, that ain't right. Okay. So I turned it into an O. All right, let's go. All right, Andy, here is your seventh grade level word.

Descendant. Ooh. Uh-oh. There is, I'm going with first gut here, but there is a problem. I think I've got it. A couple problem areas.

I think I got it. D-E-S-C-E-N-D-E-N-T. Yeah! Did you go A-N-T? I went the same all the way through except A-N-T, so I would have been out. I thought about it. I went D-I, boys. Those eyes at ease, man.

Oh, man. Mike is on fire today. This is your former champ over here. Yeah. Glad I got that victory. Well, I could. Wow. All right.

Brain is gone. All right, Jason. Here is your seventh grade. I boys. D.I. Abbreviation. That's too hard. Abbreviation. That's too hard. Abbreviation.

You can abbreviate it if you need to. Nice. I'm worried about whether there's one B or two Bs in abbreviation. I do stuff like that a lot. Abbreviation. Okay. All right. Let's hear lot. Abbreviation. Okay. All right. Let's hear it.

Abbreviation. All right. I'll go with what I wrote down first try because it looks right on my board. A, B, B, R, E, B, I, A, T,-I-O-N Abbreviation! Oh, baby. Wait, is that how you spell domination? Because that's what's happening right now. We're almost to high school.

You guys are. Mike has been held back. You guys are doing great. Mike's down to fourth grade. They keep moving him down. I can just see Mike is sitting over there having a sandwich, enjoying a drink. I'm doing all right. He started abbreviation with I.

I. Those I's, man. All right, Andy, here's your eighth grade level word. Discrepancy. Discrepancy. Well. D-E-S-C-R-E-P-E-N-C-Y. Discrepancy.

There's an I in there, isn't there? Yeah, it's D-I-S. Yeah! Yes! And then it's P-A-N-C-Y. Oh, I didn't get the A. But I had the D-I. The I's have it.

That's right. Man, if you could only got to jason moore is on the cusp of winning let's do it highway to spell all right all right it wouldn't be the first time for the record i believe it feels like it feels like it would be the only time ever here is your eighth grade level word phenomenon oh oh there's some letters in there for mike it's these vowels these darn vowels phenomenon you say huh can i hear that a few more times while i keep writing phenomenon Phenom Anon Phenom

For all the marbles For the trophy He has many versions written down on his board I wrote three I wrote three different ways To spell this word I am convinced looking at my board That all three are wrong None of to spell this word. I am convinced, looking at my board, that all three are wrong. Oh, they're wrong.

None of these spell the word phenomenon. Well, that's going to hurt you. All right, I'm going to go with try number three. My third attempt looks the most correct. The rightest? The rightest. P-H-E-N-O-M. P-H-E-N-O-M.

E-N-O-M. Yeah. I'm the smartest man alive! So did you do... I went I-N-O-N at first. Then I went A-N-O-N second. And the one that looked right was the one that was right. I was flirting with A and O, so I got them

wrong again. This was... I'll be honest. When Mike went out on fifth grade, I felt like I was playing basketball against a four-year-old. Thanks, man. And then you walked away with it. And that four-year-old dunked on you. He did. I sure did. We got through fifth, sixth, seventh,

and then you went on eighth. Well, hold on. Not we. And Jason's not done yet. Oh, do I keep going? Yeah. You played till you're out. Here is your ninth-grade level word. Yeah. Yeah. Congrats. This sucks. Congrats. Irreconcilable. And it's over.

E-R-X-T-Y-L-P-W. Irreconcilable. And it's over. E-R-X-T-Y-L-P-W. Irreconcilable. Why did he... All right. Lucky guess. Oh, dang it. No, we're good. What is irreconcilable?

Irreconcilable differences. No, I'm saying that... Just play it again. Irreconcilable. Oh, you don't like the pop in the middle? The emphasis on the wrong syllable. He's taunting you with the eyes. Mike can only hear eyes.

I, R, I, I, R, I. All right, we're moving on. Congratulations, Jason. Thanks. The new defending champ, which, you know, now the pressure will be on you next time. Doubtful. Doubtful.

The Spitballers draft. We are drafting boring things. What are the most boring things in the world? My number one pick for this draft. There are lots of options. But truly, this is the most actively boring. Actively boring. There is a 101 to me as well.

Yeah. Actively boring to me is waiting in line. Yes. I just went with waiting. Yeah. I mean, really, it's just endless. And you can control nothing about it. In many of these lines lines there is an aspect of

claustrophobia built in if you're at a theme park or something like that there's no way out you are waiting in line and that is boring okay yeah is that not your 101 that was not on my list i had uh i i assume Waiting is not on your list? I had waiting rooms, which I assume we won't draft because you just drafted waiting. Yeah, it's the same thing. Those are boring. I don't know. When I'm waiting in a line, I don't know.

You're fine with waiting? You're oftentimes exposed to the weather. Very uncomfortable here in Arizona. I'm not saying I love waiting in a line. It just didn't crack my list of top things. Interesting. Winnie the Pooh? Boring. Waiting in line? Exciting

and exhilarating. Mike, you are... I don't. I don't understand you. You are un-understandable. When you have severe ADHD. Those are irreconcilable. Irreconcilable. Alright, I am going with waiting in line. Mike, you are on the clock. Irreconcilable. Irreconcilable. All right.

I am going with waiting in line. Mike, you are on the clock. I'm going to burn this one because it has to be on my list. I think there is a strong chance that neither of you has this on your list. Jason's psyching me out because he doesn't have waiting on this list. But it's been talked about on this podcast many, many times. And while waiting is probably the most boring thing, possibly a close second, other people's dreams.

Yeah, that's up there. That's up on my list. Honestly, it would not have gotten back to you. There is no one that has a dream that doesn't think it's interesting. And there's nobody that listens to a dream that doesn't think, I'd rather be dead than listen to this. How does that happen? It's because you were there, right? Yeah, why you think it's great.

You think it's interesting because you can see it. Yeah, because you're explaining something that is really unexplainable because what's happening in your dream is there's no, it's not a real-life situation. Craziness is just happening. It's like the walls were there, but then they were, like, bent, and you couldn't see them. So let's all agree.

We all know this. We all know that when someone else is explaining their dream to you, you don't want to hear it. So take your own advice. Nope. I know what you're saying mike you're saying don't share your dreams i totally understand it i agree with it and i'm not i don't do it i still share my dreams i'm not talking about like your dreams and your goals of i want to be in the nfl or whatever that's fine but don't tell me about the dream you just had last night because i don't

care i usually preface it with saying look I know you don't want to hear this, but I got to tell you about my dream. Get a journal, Jason. Write it down. There is a right way to do it. Only one way. It has to be one small sentence. If I say, ah, Jason, I had a dream that you got hit by a car last night.

There. It's over. The whole story's over. And then if you want more, you can follow up. You can go, oh, really? What kind of car was it? No, but that's the response. So someone tells you that I had a dream that you got hit by a car.

Oh, cool. What am I supposed to do with this information? Be bewildered by it. That would be it. But why? I think it is. I don't care. Okay, if you are the center of the dream.

Like if I had a dream all about you, Mike, and I tell you about my dream about you, you would still be bored, but it's better. And I'll still tell you. I'm going to still tell you. I'm going to say you're going to put your AirPods in mid-conversation. I am making a commitment to myself. I'm just shutting it down. Okay.

All right. Yeah. And I'm just shutting it down. Okay. All right. Yeah. And I'm just going to be. You better hope they're not premonitions because I'd like to hear about those. Jason, you have two picks. I have two picks. I think I'm good. My one-on-one is on here.

And this is certainly not everybody's one-on-one. There are people that love this. I mean, it's a treat. It's their favorite thing. It's a hobby. It's pop pop pop in our families i mean this guy lives for this there is nothing on this planet more boring than fishing fishing well okay is to me yeah a nightmare because you want to know how long you wait in

that line andy i don't know 10 minutes maybe an hour you want to know how long you wait in that line, Andy? I don't know, 10 minutes? Maybe an hour. You want to know how long you go fishing? It's all dang day. Yeah. You're sitting on a boat or you're, even worse, you're on the side of a body of water. You're on the dock. And you're just standing there. Oh, but you got to be quiet. You don't want to scare the fish.

Oh, no. Don't have any fun. And all you do is you just wait. And then eventually eventually see that line over there it's gonna move and then you're gonna grab it and reel it in you'll probably lose a fish it's gonna break it's gonna break and then but you get to start all over for hours it is the worst hobby or experience um that i can imagine i i don't get it not for me i do feel like it's one of those things i don't understand i feel like people that love fishing they just love it this is their whole world yeah but i don't

get it like maybe is there nuance to fishing no i don't understand like oh it's not oh man i want to catch one of them bluegill scrappers what there's definitely that because you have the people that are like the deep sea fishers that your goal is a trophy fish uh i don't i don't know the last time i fished uh but i on i understand it as assuming you're out in a do i have a cup of coffee yeah of course you have that helps you will you have coffee generally speaking i think in fishing you have netflix you also know but But when you're fishing, you should be in a beautiful wilderness location. Yeah. I mean, I think our view of fishing is different in Arizona because it's like we have nasty man-made lakes that are not necessarily picturesque.

It's not like a river runs through it. Yeah. You're in the middle of a forest, and you put on, what are galoshes oh yeah and you wash it up and you go and you you turn your brain off is essentially what i i think is going on out there so you're just enjoying nature that actually more than anything that makes so much more sense because i can see people wanting to go and just stand in nice nature anyways so So that's something to do. It's funny because every time I've ever gone fishing in my life, because I'm not a fisherman, I don't own a fishing rod, I go with someone else.

I am taken fishing. And so we are together being quiet, doing nothing, still having the obligation. No, well, when I was a kid, yeah. Okay okay i just thought maybe you'd be out there with someone you like and you try to talk to but i actually think fishing would be so much better if i was by myself you know what i mean like i would be less bored when i'm just in my own mind more eaten by bears though yeah i would just be sleeping by the side of a lake that's true or on the boat but that's what i'm saying a nap on a lake sounds great all right i've got one more bring his own

pre-cooked fish uh yes i would it's actually a filet-o-fish caught this today breaded it fried it up caught this in the mcdonald's drive-th right, so fishing, this is close to home. You went fishing, and now what's your second pick? My second one here is a little specific, but I was just trying to really think about those times where you're just so bored and you want to leave so bad. You're just so bored. And it's when you have forced small talk situations. You know what I mean?'s to me it's specifically someone

very high on my list it's not a stranger and it's not someone you know well it's someone you're like so is it if you're stuck at a dinner party or something exactly oh oh oh man and this is someone else's something important and so now I'm talking to this someone else's something important that I don't know, but I know who it is. Does it matter if it's a place you don't want to be? Is it small talk at a place you don't want to be? I don't think the location will factor in. I am bored. I am bored out of my mind.

I'm trying to find things to talk about. And so you talk about weather. Oh, it was real. Oh, it is physically painful. Yeah. Let's talk about something that is just not important. No one actually really cares about it, but a heck of a hot summer though, right? Yeah.

We feel like we have to talk about it because we're looking at a bunch of hot days in a row. The worst part is I think both parties are bored. I think neither one wants to be there there should be when you go into those environments a kind of the get out of jail free opportunity you get like five of them and maybe you know you just hand somebody a card and you say you say i'm sorry and you know what they would say they'd say oh thank you i was about to hand you one i'm glad you used yours uh and that's that's normally when you want to share your dreams is at those events.

Right. Tell you what I dreamed about. They'll leave right away. Could you imagine small talk while fishing? Oh, man. Nightmare. I think fishing is designed for big talk. Mm-hmm.

I think so because you can have a real conversation out there. But quietly. Yes, yes. All right, Mike. That would have been my next pick because I loathe dumb small talk. And I'm going to go with errands. Running an errand. And you just have to do all this crap all around town and very odd like

the thing about an errand is you know it has to be done it's not fun it's monotonous it's boring and i don't know about you guys but frequently even i'll hit places, and then you get home, and you're like, I feel like I have not accomplished anything. What's an example of a bad errand? Is that like a- Dropping a letter off at the post office. Mm-hmm. Things where it's, especially it's quick,

but it's a 15-minute- But you've got to go there. It's a 15-minute drive, but I just pop in, I give them this, I go, It's a 15-minute drive, but I just pop in. I give them this. I go. Hopefully, I've planned out my best possible route. I go 15 minutes over here because it's Arizona.

Everything is at least 15 minutes apart. Drop something off over here. You get home and go, what did you do today? Nothing. I don't know. I guess I accomplished something, but I was bored the whole time. all right uh so you have other people's dreams and running errands jason has fishing and small talk man that feels like a mic pick um and then i have waiting in line and i have to pick two more um i'm gonna i'm gonna go i'm gonna be honest it's not as boring as it was when I was younger,

but it will be my pick because it's not fun. And it's made a mark on me. Clothes shopping. Oh, okay. Clothes shopping is boring because it just takes longer than you think it will take. Yeah.

And there's always, there's tons of those moments where you're like, I should try this on. Oh, no. But then, like, if I try it on, I have to go into the try-on place and then take off my clothes. And frequently now you have to go, you have to talk to someone just so you can get in. Just let me in. It's a torture chamber. And then the other option is to buy the wrong size clothes. Those are the only two options when you clothes shop.

Yeah, you cannot buy the right size clothes without trying it on. That just doesn't happen. Not to mention, you want bad small talk? Enjoy that sales associate at the local clothing shop that's going to try to connect with you and weigh in on everything looks good on you. The worst part is clothes shopping for someone else like you're there with the wife clothes shopping or something like that it's like oh my gosh yeah there's not enough benches in the world because that's called that's waiting that's true yeah that's all you're doing i think there better

be some place to go get ice cream near there you're're waiting, and there's no ride payoff at the end. That's right. The payoff is you get to leave the store. I think that. They should make you wait in a line with the husbands. Yeah, I think that's like. To leave. When I said waiting room versus waiting in line,

I think sitting down makes it more boring than standing up and having that physical activity. And waiting in line, there's. Oh, because you move. You get a little progress. Exactly. Do you switch benches? I don't get as. I should. Apparently, i'm learning this about myself i should be like in a waiting room yeah i should just start switching seats over and over to be less bored that's not

a really loud alarm that goes off and then you just go sit next to the lady that just saw the alarm it's like you're at the uh the mad tea party you just gotta keep switching seats you are right that in a line as long as you get that little drip of progression it does help the the situation sure all right the third one i'm gonna do is it should have probably been my number one because it's actually the worst this is the sneakiest third round pick in a long time because it is the worst it's folding laundry folding laundry is awful i i don't know some people is it cathartic to some people no okay i don't i don't think it's torture right no one no one enjoys folding laundry it's it's monotonous and boring it's monotonous and boring and i'm bad i'm not good at it like i know not right i can be

mediocre and get by but there's something when you do something for a long period of time that's boring at least at the end you want to look down at what you have done and said i did that well and it is not possible with folding laundry no i have never improved on folding shirts i've never improved folding laundry and i've never improved on folding shirts i've never improved folding laundry and i've never improved wrapping packages oh yeah or wrapping presents those two things i have hit my cap that cap cannot be improved that book 10 000 hours does not apply to those topics yeah i hit my cap at like 15 yeah i did i do like a 15 year old job on that and then i never got better either you're 100 right on those so folding laundry i just, of all the things that my kids,

I would be willing to bribe them to do for me. That is the one I've done. And they're almost at your level, so it's not like it's even going to be much worse. Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, yeah, don't do it like a kid. Yeah, right. You know, the only thing I have with that is when I actually do laundry and I'm folding and putting stuff away, I usually have another distraction.

AirPods and a podcast or I'm, you know, watching TV while folding clothes on the bed or something. Yeah. If it was all socks, that'd be a good time. I don't know. You got to match them all. I'm presuming in this scenario they're all matched. They're all the same socks. That's too easy.

Do you do – I mean, you put your socks together in pairs? I don't anymore. Or do you just throw them in a – you don't? I lay them out. Like, I take my socks and I just lay them all out on top of each other. You do pairs? Yeah, yeah. I put them together in a pair, but I have the –

Are all yours the same? Just to be clear? Okay, then that's fine. I have a real sock situation going on right now, guys. Too many of them. Well, yes. Number one, I have way too many socks. So like my no-show ankle socks, I have two different kinds.

Same color? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, they're just black socks. But one of them has a stripe and the other one is no just plain black and jason and i both know what you need to do right there i know what i need to do you need to burn half of those socks dude i've got it a little worse than you wait ready for this i have purchased okay are these sizes two yes no yes i have okay i've got two problems here okay one one problem you

guys know i love new socks fresh new socks i've purchased a lot of socks and i found socks that i really like they're these like black under armor uh mostly no show type of of socks and so i i bought a bunch of these socks i love them and it turns out my teenagers and my wife, they like them too. So they started using my socks. They're wearing your socks, man? They're wearing my socks all the time now. So I bought more of them. I have so many of these socks, it's unbelievable.

However, somehow along the way, one of my Amazon orders was an extra large. And one of my Amazon orders was a large. And when I reorderorder i never know which one to get i get both and so when i'm going to get and they're identical there's no stripe to differentiate them there's no tag saying the size there's just one there's it's like it's like you hold them up to the light it's like half of my socks have shrunk i'm trying to figure it out it's a nightmare and you can't really unring those bells. It sounds like you got so many and the whole family uses them. You have no idea how many of these socks I have.

How often have you gone one and the other? Probably every other day. I don't know. They're so close, but they're so different. When you put it on, it's not uncomfortable. I'm not going to take them off. I'm not going to be like, well, I did the work. I get to wear these today.

Right now, I could have two different size socks on, Mike. I genuinely might. You got to put in the work. And honestly, I'm probably at an unspeakable number of these socks. I mean, unspeakable. I probably have 150 of these socks. Are you saying over 100? Yes.

I was going to stop you. And when you were like, everyone, I put in my next Amazon order. It's all the time. My problem is I haven't ordered socks in forever. Yeah. But when I did, I bought a different type. It is terrible. I do.

I need to dump them all and get rid of them. All right. My goodness. All right. So I am waiting in line, clothes shopping and folding laundry. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. I'm going to switch it up a little bit here, and I'm going to say old movies.

Oh, yeah. Because, yeah. And let me preface this by saying I am 40, so anything- Older than that. So anything inside of that 40 range is probably okay. But the second you go out of my birth year, you got a situation that this movie could be terrible. And it probably is.

Almost always is. And it could be a movie that is revered throughout cinema history. Yawn, boring, Citizen Kane citizen game that's always very very depressing out of my face i hate when people talk about i can't appreciate it oh yeah oh yeah and and i went to because i'll pretend i appreciate it to other people i went to college for for oh yeah that's one of my favorite need to be sophisticated i went to college for acting and directing and so there was an assumption that these great classic movies, it's like Shakespeare.

You're supposed to love them. And I would watch them, and I'd be like, this sucks so bad, it's so boring. I love this pick. Did you catch Ben-Hur? Or singing in the rain? No, no, and I never will, because they're boring. It's a good pick.

Jason has Fishing and Small Talk, and two more to finish out his draft. All right. Make them boring. I will make them boring. I'm going to make them something I can fall asleep during. Like an old movie. Like an old movie. Good pick.

Large room presentations. Like whatever. Lectures. We'll call it lectures. Yeah, lectures. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness. I mean,

when we were in real estate school, Andy, way back in the day, decade ago or whatever it was. And you had to sit in that like 300 person auditorium and try to pay attention to this slideshow. And then I mean, we decided that school was best taught in a giant lecture hall being

monotone to death yeah i mean any big presentation i'm just bored out of my mind with i don't have the i don't have the focus to sit through this garbage that's how i do it it's a good pick um what's your last pick? My last pick is going to be and don't hear what I'm not saying because there's an aspect of this that I love but going to bed What?

Going to bed is boring? Yes You end your day you lay in bed you have to wait until you fall asleep It's a boring thing that I don't that fits the ADHD that you're talking yeah it's like oh we're gonna you have to slow down and you do not want to exactly right so I'm gonna I'm gonna pick that and and eventually

I do fall asleep I love sleeping I love sleep I just hate you don't want to end your day yeah the ending the day and going to bed it's just not it's not fun where's the fun it's a forced break you can't have fun anymore it's by definition boring then you get to sleep that's awesome all right uh mike one more pick from you you just drafted old movies you have running errands and old other people's dreams i first i almost said old people's dreams, which are, those could be maybe more entertaining. I'm sure they're a riot.

Uh, and funny enough, you guys started talking about it in the chat. I had it as a more broad, uh, broad topic. I had written down sports that you don't like. Okay. I'm not watching golf.

And, uh, I mean, you could for, I would say baseball definitely fits in that category. I'm not watching golf. And, I mean, you could, for, I would say, baseball definitely fits in that category. I think I've been converted on soccer, but for the longest time, soccer was just horrifically boring. If you ever tried to watch cricket as an American,

you're like, I don't know what's going on. I don't care. And I think it's the fact that everyone else is so into it and you don't care. That makes it almost extra boring. I can't get in on this. I don't understand it, so I'm pushed the other direction. It makes you feel like the movies one.

It makes you feel a little stupid. Maybe. Because if you're watching a sport that makes billions of dollars and everybody attends and you think it's boring yeah i think i think you want to push back against and you know what i'm not stupid your thing is boring how about that there you go i would think about that i was shocked baseball wasn't one of jason's picks because he talks bad stuff about baseball all the time uh to be fair, if I would have, I would have drafted regular season baseball. Yeah, because you can appreciate baseball.

All right, for my final pick, I have a few options, all very boring. But I'm going to throw the last one out there just on behalf of all of our kids and the children out there and the teenagers out there. And I'm going to throw homework out there. Because homework is boring. I don't know how many times the teachers look at this stuff, but it's just something to keep you busy. Busy work is boring work.

I understand the concept of we're trying to make kids go over it again. How long is a school day? Is it six hours? Seven to three. So seven to three, so that's eight hours? Yeah. That's enough school. That's plenty.

It's a full-time job. You don't need to do all all that eight hour run then go home and do another two hours like no we need to get rid of that it's not good and so i wanted to throw it out there it's a waste of time so that closes out the boring things draft i had a couple that were honorary mentions one that i i didn't mention because it's too narrow but like honestly watching two people play chess oh yeah because i don't know what's going on i put that in the sports you don't like sports you don't like uh i was gonna say taxes doing your taxes i kind of i kind of get a high off of that i actually like that yeah i could have um like some people like

cleaning it's the organization yeah part and then the last one was traffic, which we drafted recently. Bumper to bumper traffic. It's a little bit like the waiting in line because you do move a little bit. That's the reason I didn't draft it. It would have been what I drafted instead of going to bed. I have ballet on there. I don't know if you guys have ever actually watched. I have been to Cats.

Opera ballet are both in the category of the old movies. Yeah, 100%. You're supposed to like, oh, this is expensive. We got dressed up for this. It's so boring. You're just watching people move around. This and opera. This was great before the television and movies existed.

Museums. Oh, stop it. Blade Runner. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. and movies existed uh museums oh stop it uh blade runner oh boy oh boy and i i i have this on my list because genuinely sometimes this is crazy boring but i also love it sometimes but reading can be super boring it's the material matters i do reading would have been a fair answer i do like you exposing yourself of saying museums are boring, and then you follow that up with Blade Runner is boring. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I mean, you're telling people who you are. Yeah. And there are people that are like me. I had C-SPAN on here. I don't know if you guys are. No, that's great. Oh, that's a good answer.

If you ever tuned into C-SPAN. And then rice cakes. Rice cakes are great answers. Rice cakes? That's a great answer. Rice cakes? That's the most boring food that exists. Rice cakes are the worst. It's barely an effort at food. Why do we...

I don't know who's out there enjoying a rice cake. You're only eating because you're like, I can't have calories and I'm told I can eat this, which half of it goes on the floor. Oh, yeah. After you take one bite. But come on. Rice cakes. That's pretty boring. Let's do better. That's a funny answer.

All right. What did we learn today? I learned I'm not alone in impressing yourself with a good bathroom blow up. I learned a lot about Jason in particular that he doesn't like going to bed. Yes. As a man who loves sleep, he doesn't like going to bed. It is strange. Yeah.

And I learned about Hot Dr. Pepper. Yeah, that's new. The Hot Doctor. The Hot Doctor. The Hot Doctor. Hot Doctor. Hot Doctor. Alert.

That is it for today's show. Thanks for listening. We'll be back with another episode next doctor. Alert. That is it for today's show. Thanks for listening. We'll be back with another episode next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.