Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 248: No Rules Duels & The Best Leftovers - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

On today’s show, Andy spills the beans on Owl’s recent run-in with the law. We also dive deep into the rules and etiquette of a good old fashioned duel. Then, LIAR, LIAR is back! Does Owl take his second ever loss? Lastly, we draft the best leftover foods! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh yeah, a little change-up. Oh, I'm not sure if you didn't burp at the end, though. That was a tuba. Oh, okay. I mean, I like anything with that kind of variation in it.

That was nice. Trying to get multiple instruments in. I'll tell you what, you would think after 247 episodes before this that you've seen it all. But you really surprised me there, Mike. Good. I mean, the only thing that could ever beat that scat is what we're getting next week. Oh, baby.

Oh, man. What's next week, Andy? I think I don't have it. Mike doesn't have it. Well, I go usually after Mike, and it's not me. No, it's that cool cat. Oh, who's all that? Owl.

You excited for your return to the scat? I'm not excited for the anticipation. Is this the trilogy? Yeah, I think so. Third time? Yeah. Ooh, the third movie. Sometimes it's good.

Sometimes it's, I don't know, Matrix. Sometimes it's Back to the Future. I was going to say, I feel like the third is almost always better than the second. Damn it! Which, thinking of the trilogies out there, like which one has, Back to the Future 3, I agree. But I think, I don't know. They're all, they're genuinely pretty great.

Return of the Jedi was great. Die Hard 3 is much better than number two. Indiana Jones is the best one. Yeah, it's the best one. Is there a trilogy? I guess Owls will be the best based on that analysis. Oh, that's great. Hey, Spitwads, get excited because what you're going to receive next week

is going to be just the most glorious scat of all time. What's your Twitter handle, Owl? At Producer Borland.land yeah everyone go to jump on twitter at producer borland give him some uh encouragement let him know how excited you are for him to bring the best scat ever that's a great idea thank you hey at producer borland quick follow-up, Jason. We had the conversation on the last episode about the flat LaCroix. Oh, we sure did. Which we did test that. We did. We did test it.

I missed the test. Jason and I, we went through the rigmarole, the research, and all of that. I tested it every single day. Okay. And day one, like after 24 hours, I came and I drank. It'd still be bubbly. It's still bubbly. It's still bubbly. It's not as bubbly.

Still bubbles. So 48 hours later, still bubbles. Still bubbles. An open can in the fridge. Which matches with the hotter makes the bubbles go away faster. Yes. So obviously being cold and crisp in the fridge kept the bubbles there. Day three, they were basically

all gone like they you could kind of have a hint of bubbles and day four it was all all gone day two day three day four all delicious okay they were absolutely fine you just need day five was great i mean i mean all you need it to be is cold. It's been definitively answered. A hot, bubbly soda that's supposed to be bubbly is much worse than a flat but chilled and icy cold, not watered down drink. And now we know. Science. Is that the first science experiment that this show has ever done?

I doubt it. It won't be the last, experiment that this show has ever done? I doubt it. It won't be the last, though. That we can be sure of. All right. You can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod after you follow at Producer Borland. And let's get it going. Would you rather? Noah from Patreon, would you uh you and a random stranger okay i was

starting with the would you rather because i thought that the question would go into that like the answer but i apologize i'm gonna start all over noah from patreon you and a random stranger have been placed in a mexican standoff to the death so strangers yeah yeah it would have to be more than one. Because the whole point of that standoff, right, is that there's... There's guns pointed everywhere. Yeah. Would you rather have both parties be armed with a sword or both parties be armed with a revolver?

Again, this is saying two. I thought there had to be at least three. Yeah. Yeah. You got to have... Yeah. Otherwise, it's just a regular standoff. It's just a standoff.

Yeah. It's just a duel. It says a violent confrontation between two or more parties. Well, now read that again. Where no strategy exists that allows any party to achieve victory. Okay. I don't think I know what a Mexican standoff is at all. Hold on.

I'll read that one more time and take the words to and or out. I want to hear it. Let me hear what it sounds like. A violent confrontation between... More parties? More parties. Perfect. That's exactly what I thought.

So now that just sounds like your family, they're having parties. The Moors. Yeah, the Moors are having a family. At the Moor parties, you just get crazy. Now, the question is, do you want my family with revolvers or swords would you rather have both parties be armed with a sword or both parties be armed with a revolver what if they have what is

the standoff the stand the stand are you just standing there pointing your swords at each other is that a standoff yes so nobody's doing anything yeah it's the oh because they're standing it's a standoff they're just trying to stand in a certain way. It starts with a standoff, and then you guys are having a fight to the death. Just to ask whether you'd be better off in a gunfight or a sword fight? Yes. That could have been the would you rather from the top. Talk to the listeners, man. Would you rather be in a gunfight or a sword fight?

That's a great question, Andy. But with multiple people. No, I don't want the gun one. Here's my advice. If you're in this type of a standoff, which we've all seen the movies where it's a cool shot. They 360 it. You got three or more people. Everyone always, because it's an action movie, everyone is dual wielding.

It's a John Woo movie. Yeah, and they have guns pointed at each other. First. That's what you want to be. That's all you want to be. If you're in this type of a standoff, just first. That's what I want to be. Just pull that trigger.

I don't have time. This is not a negotiation period. Because in this race, if you're anything but first you are last i am going to ask an important question okay okay jason you are a known cheater yep well there's no rules here well to be fair i look at it as known winner go on that's right so would you be dare dare I say, a known winner in one of those Alexander Hamilton style? The duel with the rules. Nine, eight. There's no way I'm shooting a zero.

I mean, come on. Do you think that anybody- I think I'd get to eight. Ten. And turn around? Nine, eight. Pop. I win.

You would lose your honor. Would you take any steps? Save my life. Would I take- Yeah, I would take- Would you just do the the stomp to a little bit quieter big steps that go about six inches forward just like like a little marching man and and then i would turn around on five or so i you know i'd give it at least half

time and then once i turn around a little worried about how big his steps are i'm gonna start going towards him i'm gonna run towards him i'm gonna put that right up to the back of his head, and I'm going to win that duel. No, but I think if you did that, then you just go, I win. Just let them know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you just go pew, pew? You just go duels over.

Yeah, duels over, right? I win. Right? Yeah. Do you yield, sir? Do you think – here's a real question. Do you think that anybody who's in one of those Alexander Hamilton style duels?

And what I'm talking about is you're back to back and you take 10 paces and you turn around and shoot. You know how sometimes you get, sometimes you do paper, rock scissors and you don't know if it's on three or on shoot. Yeah. Do you think anybody got about five steps in? Oh no.

And then goes, wait, do I turn on one or do I turn on zero? Sure. For sure. You better go one. If you're not sure you're going first. And the problem is if you are sure,

if you're sure that it's, well, that's on zero, you're losing. I mean, if you know for sure it's on zero and you're a man of honor, there's a good chance you did not walk out from that duel. They don't just shoot you if you do it dishonorably? No. Like somebody else just walks up and goes,

I challenge you to a duel for that dishonorable duel. Only two people there with the guns in that situation. And these were the old school guns where it's got the one bullet and then it takes you 25 minutes to reload, right? Right. Did anyone ever do like just really, really, really big steps to like, you're sure you're pretty much at a range?

And let him fire first. And you're like much at a range. And let him fire first. And you're like, you go first. And then you run towards him. Because at least it sounds like you're going to miss a lot of these shots. Just an inaccurate gun, one bullet that you made out of your silverware, and you let them go first. And then you're just like, okay, now how are we going to really settle this? You're just taking your shot on whether or not they can hit you.

Yeah. Get far enough away. The range on these things, the accuracy of those old guns is really poor. You do realize the kind of arguments we have on this show seemingly were settled in to-the-death duels at this time. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Is a hot dog a sandwich? I challenge you. You're going challenge you to a duel you idiot

i mean why why did they at least make the rule turn and hit him below the belt oh i mean that's that's dishonorable yeah but but here's the thing back then if that bullet goes in your leg is you're still dying you're still dying it. It's just worse. You get hit in the toe, you die of gangrene. If you get hit in the leg, you're going to go to the doctor and go, hmm, this looks pretty bad. I know what I'm going to do. And then they just pull a saw out. They're like, this is probably

going to hurt a little bit. Here, bite this silverware. Look, I'm going to lengthen your life by two, possibly three minutes. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad we live now. We can debate things like the hot dog question without fear of death. How did anyone, how did anybody accept that? As this is what we do.

Can I make a counter argument? Okay. I think it's pretty cool. I mean, because hear me out. Both parties agree, right? This isn't, this is saying, I think it's pretty cool. I mean, because hear me out. Both parties agree, right? This is saying, okay, this is really serious to me, and I'm willing to bet it all.

So it's like, I mean, why? Would you do that on a fantasy football debate with me? Like Debo Iyuk or something? I feel like the answer just comes at the end of the season. We don't need to kill each other over that one. That's fair. Because you only get one debate with that person. There wasn't a lot of second debates with people. You get no future debates.

It's a one-timer. What happens if both people miss? I think it is over. I think you both sheepishly go home. You probably hug, though. Thank goodness. Come here, big home. You probably hug, though. You go, oh, thank goodness. Come here, big guy. Give me a squeezer.

I mean, that's a very frequent thing. Like, when you're in high school, two guys have beef, and there's a buildup, and then there's a fight. And then at the end of that, they're like, well, that was kind of dumb. And now these two people are friends. Is that what happens at the end of the duel? I think that's what happens. However, I am curious, Al, if you'll do a little research on this because there's the alternative option,

which is they've got to reload and do it over and over and over in the stress and pressure and frustration. Just each time it's like, oh, my gosh. Well, you just hit me. And at what point do they they laugh at it like oh we did it again maybe they pull the swords out if they both miss and then go running at each other so that brings us back to the original question we're in a mexican i do have a plan by the way what i would do is i'd be like i just want to go over the rules with

my opponent one more time and i'd be like i'm gonna miss to go over the rules with my opponent one more time. And I'd be like, I'm going to miss to the left. You missed to the right. If you both agree to miss, you're both alive. I think if both of you agreed to miss, neither one of you would have agreed to go to the duel. That's fair. But back to this question. I mean, I don't know, man.

When there's more than, if there's three people with guns, I'm a one-third chance of winning this thing. I don't know, man. When there's more than, if there's three people with guns, I'm a one-third chance of winning this thing. I don't like those odds. Do you think you are more than a one-third chance if everyone has swords? My odds go way up. I'm a three out of four odds with three people with swords. I think my point might have been I don't want to do either one. So, I would not get into a standoff then.

Can you back out of a standoff? If all three of you are there, can you slowly just, this is between the two of you. You look like you have this taken care of. Part of the definition is that there is no plan. So it's just, you know, everything's pointed at everyone and there's no plan. So I think as the plan develops, let's say there's four people here and know everything's pointed at everyone and there's no plan so i think as the plan develops let's say there's four people here and they got guns pointed at everybody i think the

plan could develop that you're just like i regret being here and everyone slowly backs away we do have an update uh owl put in here said with guns if both sides fire without a hit, they are questioned if both sides are satisfied. If not, the guns are reloaded. So they're both missing. Sir, are you satisfied? Nay. I want to shoot again. I don't want to hear the person. You just missed after this.

Are you satisfied? Yes. Justice was served. This was enough for me. I have defended the honor of George Washington. We both missed. But I did come out. Let the record show I did arrive here for my duel.

We have no cowards here. I am pre-satisfied with this duel. I'm actually really satisfied. Sir, are you also satisfied with this duel. I'm actually really satisfied. Sir, are you also satisfied with this duel before we fire? Oh, duels are so funny. And they were real. It feels like a fairy tale. It feels

like something that's just a tall tale. Exaggerated over history. But it's... Alexander Madison died in... You leave my's Alexander Madison died in the end. You leave my precious Alexander Madison alone. Running back for the Minnesota Vikings.

Yes. Oh, man. Alexander Hamilton killed in 1700s duel. Oh, man. Actually arrived at a duel. Was that 1700s? I mean, that was... Is that when Hamilton was?

Yeah. 1774 is one of the songs. What was the life expectancy? Signing of the Declaration of Independence. Life expectancy back then. The average newly minted American citizen could expect to live to the ripe old age of... I'm going to go... I've got it.

I'm guessing... Low 30s. Oh, I was going 34. I'll go... I shouldn't have said the number 34. I'll go under. 35. Dang it. Because half, it was 70,

but half of them died in duels. Right, at birth. Oh yeah, sorry. Okay, shut up. I'm doing good. I'm taking the guns. Yeah, I guess the guns. I don't think there's such a thing as a duel of swords. A three-person is... That would be silly.

The problem is with the guns, you all fire at once. With the swords, you don't fire. So there's going to be a team-up. Yeah. 2v1. No matter what. As soon as you backswing your sword... Yeah, you're going to one or the other.

You're looking at the other guys and trying to hit one that they're going after. All right, Nick from the website. Are you satisfied? I would be satisfied if we got that guy. All right, Nick from the website. Would you rather have a button in your car to always turn traffic lights green? Oh, yeah. Or a button that makes your car invisible to radar?

Al? Al? Why would you throw it to owl? I just think one of these might, he might have a different answer. Oh, goodness. Based on recent history. Criminals.

You criminal. You criminal speeder. You hear that, mom? Oh, yeah. Mom's listening. baby this is we're off to the races today let the record show it was not me uh but jeremy did your mom know that you got recently pulled over for a ticket she did oh did you tell her the speed? I don't remember. I told her it was faster than it should have been.

All right. Okay, and it was. But here's the thing. Even if you're invisible to radar, I mean, like if a cop is sitting there and sees you going by too fast, they're going to pull you over and they'll gauge the speed by the speed of their car. I know that some people black shirted individuals in this in this studio it's not me would appreciate not being seen by police cars but i genuinely can tell you and i don't think i drive slow i genuinely have never understood why anybody buys the radar detectors on their car because i just feel like even percentage chance you know what they do

yeah they they beep when there's radar on you yeah that's why back that's why people buy them yeah they they're not as common anymore because the technology kind of changed but a couple decades ago they were really accurate and the the technology that all the police officers were using it was very easy to be alerted well in advance when a radar is being used. And so you just slow down. No, I mean, I get how they work. I just mean, I feel like I've driven fairly above speed limit

and I just have not been in a... Oh, I'm really setting myself up here. Yeah, continue. I don't think I've been pulled over in 25 years. Oh, man. We'll have an update for you on next week's episode. Al, where were you exactly? I'm going to take the lights one.

I mean, this is a practical, everyday thing. The other one is a occasionally I avoid it. Like, think about it this way. If I get pulled over once every five years and pay $500 for being pulled over. Yeah. Okay, let's just put it that way. Would I pay $500? Oh. For yeah okay let's just put it that way okay would I pay $500 oh for this button for the lights yeah every five years you pay $500 a month I would pay maybe not that but I'd pay 500 a year yeah so alternatively I think the spirit of the question

is more that I would be invisible to cops to police officers okay it's not just that they can't tag me and they see me drive by and they're like that guy's going pretty fast i should pull him over still would you endanger everyone if there were no no because i'm an absolutely excellent driver no one would be in danger but i would be going 120 miles an hour yeah i mean they don't hear what i'm not saying i my life is therefore in danger kids please drive the speed limits here i'll i'll throw in some context to this so i just you want to put a psa out there for the kids al or you this is from uh yahoo.com 2018 so a few years old but it's saying if you take into account the estimate that approximately 20% of all driving time is spent at a red light.

Wow. According to the AAA, the average American spends 17,600 minutes driving each year. That's 3,520 minutes or 58.6 hours spent waiting at red lights every year. I can shave more than that off, man. You don't... If I got no fear... If I've got no fear... What, you're just going to run the red light?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying if I can't be caught by police officers, I can double the speed limit. He thinks he can save more time with the speed limit. My 30-minute trip is 10 minutes now, brother. Let's fly. Your 30-minute trip is now a trip to infinity as you sit in a burning

vehicle off the side of the road okay you know there's some risks involved 50 almost 59 hours that's a lot plus the pleasant drive oh yeah going places would be pleasant if i don't stop it's pleasant that would be so nice to like i didn't think about that. The mental, not freedom, but enjoyment of never seeing a red light. Just every single intersection you come to, you're like, you're green. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, that's the way it works, the magic, too. It's not a button.

It's a finger. You just go, green. Watch this, honey. Blue. Your ability is to change light colors. I just had a ride with my wife maybe two weeks ago, and we hit this stretch, and I was like, holy crap. That was the longest stretch of green lights I've ever had in my life.

Oh, like you were on a hot streak. Yeah. And I verbalized it because it was so noticeable. Yeah, I think that that would be wonderful. That's my vote. There is a specific light in the valley here where when you miss it, it takes one to two years before it goes green again. And the other day.

Which light are you talking about? It's getting on to the 17 from the 303 so it's okay and um my goodness the other day i'm driving down and i see the light forever away from me and it's green when i'm like and you see the uh the yep the stop the crosswalk is flashing lights and i'm like'm going to hit it right when it turns red. And as I got there, it didn't ever go yellow. And I just rolled right on. And it was like, my life is great today.

This has been a great day. So, yeah, I'm taking the green light. All right, Annie from Twitter. Would you rather have the ability to paint the most beautiful landscapes or write the most compelling stories? I don't know if the reason I don't appreciate painting that much is because I suck, but I think that's what it is. I think sometimes the reason I appreciate painting is because I suck. Like, I'm so blown away by thing like the end result you're like oh i just can't train wreck i can't believe that when i look at

people's art where without tracing they just draw something that's photorealistic or or just it blows me away that human beings can do that because in my brain i can't see i can't see like a a three-year-old version of that i see nothing i see my brain is i can't even i when i try to visualize a dog to draw a dog that's a monster in my mind i mean i don't know what his face you're your inner drawing. My inner drawing. Your brain drawing. My brain drawing is a nightmare, guys. It's a misshapen, malformed,

I can't remember what a horse's butt looks like when I'm drawing a horse. I'm like, wait, does it go up? Does it go down? What legs do they have? I blank. Yeah, your inner drawing is as bad as your outer drawing. It might be worse.

I try to improve when I put pen to paper. Interesting. I mean, I feel like it's really tough because I feel like the stakes of a painting are so high. Because if you do paint and you try to paint well, and let's say you spend 20 hours painting, and then you're like, I'm going to wrap this up. You could blow the whole thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's permanent. Do they make like erasable paint? Because I could use that. Erasable paint. Like control Z? Can I edit undo my paint? I mean, you could paint over it. I guess that's the option.

Which one is more profitable i i would think the stories because because you get ip you you're not just selling the story they don't make movies about landscapes they make them about compelling stories exactly if i wrote harry potter yeah it's another level than just even the mona lisa just don't illustrate. There's other things to it. Like if you can write a compelling story, I imagine you can verbally tell a compelling story as well. And they could like go into, you know, motivational speaking.

There's a ton of money in that. And that's just telling good stories. Just good. I knew a guy picked himself up by his bootstrap. I guess if you're the best painter, your ceiling's higher, probably. Once you're dead. Fair enough.

Fair enough. That's a good point. Fake your death. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Now we're on to something. Fake your death. And you know you're going to be able to do it because of how great a painter you are. Yes. You'll be able to. Wait, why will I? No, because. How is painting a landscape mean

i'm good at faking my death because they're gonna say this person is a master and if you hear that they have passed passed on you're like they they must have because they're so good at painting why do they if you're a crappy painter they're not gonna believe they're gonna oh that guy faked his death yeah oh he's just trying to juice up the prices. We know he's alive. That guy's going to live forever. Look how bad that art is. That makes sense. How many times could you get away with it? How many times could you fake your death?

I'm guessing once. That's a boy who cried wolf situation of the worst kind. Actually becoming a public face of like you're a painter, but each time you show up, like the next time you have this big beard and next time you have a big ponytail, give it a go. It is funny. I don't think there's...

Correct me if I'm wrong. Has there ever been anyone in our lifetime who has successfully faked his own death and then been revealed? I know Tupac's alive and Elvis is alive and all that, whatever. But has there actually been someone that has faked it and been exposed?

There hasn't, right? Not in the celebrity world. Right. That's what I mean. Because that's not really a thing people want to do when they're a celebrity. It's pretty nice being alive. Curse this fame and fortune. That's a good point.

It happens when you're on the run. That's called the prince and the pauper. Yeah. And spoiler, the prince does not like his choice. I was just thinking, like, if Tupac showed up, and it was like, oh my goodness, you did it. The next time he dies, nobody would ever believe it. It's an illegal thing, right? Can you get arrested?

I think so. Can you get put to death for faking your own death? You have lied, and now you shall be true. I think it's illegal because there's things that happen. Yeah, I mean. It's got to be illegal if there's like, because there'll be financial fraud involved. That's what I mean. Owl, look it up.

Can you just fake your own death with no no consequences fake your own death this is on you i'll figure this out i don't know what else is in here but the second result is from getlegal.com that says faking your own death it can come back to haunt you. What? It can't. It can't. It can only haunt if it was real. I'm not reading this article, though. It's called pseudocide. Oh.

Pseudocide? Yeah. That's a good name. And it's not explicitly illegal in many jurisdictions. However, when you fake your own death, it often means that you collect other crimes that are illegal, like fraud, identity theft, because you've got to be a new person somewhere. Interesting. But if you just fake your death and you don't make a death certificate.

Then you need to make sure you travel to a destination where it is a fine jurisdiction. You don't want to commit suicide in the wrong jurisdiction. That is wild. Interesting. Interesting. Alright, let's move on to a different segment featuring the speedy Al Borland.

Liar, liar. Pants liar liar pants on fire i didn't know we were doing this today maybe that means we'll win it's been so long you you lazy man let's go we're playing liar again three rounds three facts per round two true one lie can we beat him for the second time in history oh now i know wait we didn't win last time no no no he's back on top so what do you know jay i know that we beat you a couple times ago yep round one the words arctic and antarctica The words Arctic and Antarctica mean bears and no bears because bears can be found in the Arctic, but there are no bears in Antarctica. I hope this is true. I can't. There's no way. Believe it. I just really hope that Arctic and Antarctica means bears and no bears.

That would be, we'd be the worst at naming things. The second fact, the usage of the word spam for unexpected and undesired mail stems from army warehouse workers in World War II who were swamped by huge amounts of canned spam food deliveries that they had to process. I'm in on that one with certainty. The third one.

When Pirates of the Caribbean opened at Disneyland in 1967, all of the skeletons on the attraction were actual human bones. Wow. I hope that's true, too, because that's awful. That one's tough because there is at least. We didn't have a lot of plastic back. There is a persistent rumor uh that with my daughter loves fun facts so it is pointed out to me that in the ride there uh the i think it's

the bedroom scene is like that's a no that's actually a real skull yep i have heard that before i don't know if it's true i i swapped all the other ones out and left the skull my son has shared that with me as well oh yeah absolutely he's a crazy he reads like Disney fact books like for pleasure so I've heard that but I'm not sure that that exposes this as a lie or says that it's true like they

left one this is tough because to me it's between that and the arctic one bears and no bears i mean please don't say arctic please say bears are you going to the seventh continent no bears yes um mike do you have a do you have a lead? We got to lock one of these in. I am going to go. For me, I'm picking between the Pirates and the Spam. I refuse. Even if he says we're wrong about Bears, no Bears.

I refuse to accept that as factual information. I'm going to go with the Spam. I'm going to lock in the Spam. That one factual information. I'm going to go with the spam. I'm going to lock in the spam. That one's wrong. Wait. That one's the lie? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to go. Oh, wait. Oh, I'm playing the game backwards. I wondered because of the words. You said you refused to believe the Bears and no Bears is true, and then you did not pick it as the. Oh, yeah.

Okay. So that's. I'm sorry. I got there yeah that's the lie the bears no bears okay get out of here i'm gonna take the pirates of the caribbean in 1967 i i know things were crazy back then there are no bears in antarctica but um it still seems like it still seems like they're they can't be allowed to just have human remains. It was the 60s, man.

If you had gone with the bear one as well, I would have gone with the pirates one to open up our leverage here because I think they're both ridiculous. But I'm going to side with Mike on this one. That means it's the spam. I'm going to side with Mike on this one and make the Arctic Antarctic one the lie. Al, round one.

They're cheering for me, guys. It's spam. It's the spam. No. The bears? The bears is real. The skeletons? That is also real.

They got them from a local university. Oh, man. Things were crazy in the 60s. The word Arctic comes from the Greek bear. The Greek word arctos, meaning bear. I see the Greek word antarcticos, which means opposite to the Arctic. Which is bear. Yeah, no bear.

And bear is, Arctic means bear? Dang it! Hold on. Hold on. You're telling me. So somebody was walking and they saw some bears and they said, let's call this place Bears. You're telling me people went up there where everything is just ice. And they're like, oh, I see a bear.

Let's name it after the bear. Not the ice. Yeah. And we are dumb. When did we name these things? Wow. This is horrible. I don't even want to be able to.

See, here's what's happened. I believe we lost in the first round last time too. You did. Because I think that's your new thing. Your new thing is you lost, so you want to humble us by knocking us out with the first one. You tried to find two ridiculous things and one reasonable sounding thing because you knew now that you could make us look dumb believe it or not i like the suspense you guys just let me down we we suck yeah i guess we're going on i guess we're playing against each other yeah round two in 2015 someone took hold on this use okay so this

site's saying mike is still taking issue with one of these well i mean it it's correct but it's saying by force of pure serendipity polar bears reside at the north pole and not the south i don't know man so he's having a hard time taking his health yeah i told you i wasn't going to accept it round two two. In 2015, someone took such a foul poop on a British Airway flight from Heathrow to Dubai that after only 30 minutes, the plane had to turn around and land. Passengers were provided with hotel rooms for the night and a reschedule. That is 100% true. Fact number two.

One in every 5,000 babies are born... Oh, baby. I can't read this i mean it's just a fact or a lie how what does it say oh you're up uh one in every five thousand babies are born without a butthole which has to be man uh created manually by the hospital the condition is called imperfect imperforate anus and this which this is a serious like that's a really bad problem yeah oh yeah yeah i think you you uh i mean why i haven't heard of this i haven't seen any gofundmes for this oh man um but if it's real shout out to the that's true ones that's real because I don't think Al would want to make up something that, you know, this is a, an, uh, an important and

bad problem. Yes. That he would be making up and he would be an absolute monster. So I'm gonna say that's true too. Um, third one, if you, okay, I see where the theme is here if your pee bubbles a lot in when it hits the toilet water it's an indication of a lower protein higher carbohydrate balance of the body sometimes doctors will actually shake urine samples to see how foamy it gets albeit it's not definitive but it's an indication of dietary balance as they await the results. I believe that.

I'm going to say the butthole one is fake. I'm going to do the pee bubbles. I don't think doctors are shaking their pee and saying, I think you've got high protein. Yeah, I'm going to go that the pee bubbles is the lie. All right, Al. All right, Jason and Mike, you guys both got it right. The pee bubbles is the lie. All right, Al. All right, Jason and Mike, you guys both got it right. The pee bubbles is the lie.

Yeah. All right. They normally sniff it, huh? Yes. All right, round three. The paranoid. That's a lot of carbs. All right, these all have titles.

Sir. Sir. Do we need to do Sir This is a show of I'm moral fabric Jason just did a taste test We heard it Continue on

Sir Round three The paranoid potato parties In 1835 a small Irish village In a small Irish village, in a small Irish village, a rumor started that their potatoes were sentient beings. The townsfolk, realizing that they were outnumbered by potatoes and fearing a potato rebellion, illegalized potato consumption and treated their spuds with extreme care,

throwing them birthday parties and tucking them into bed each night. Okay. I'm locking in that that's the lie you're doing it ahead i'm doing it ahead i don't know what the next two are here but that's impossible i don't care how long ago and how stupid that we just talked about duels man yeah i don't i don't think that's impossible they tucked them into bed and gave them birthday parties. Here's the second one that Jason said is for sure true. The Great Emu War. In 1932, Western Australia declared war on emus due to their population damaging crops.

The Australian military was called in armed with machine guns, but the emus proved to be elusive and resilient. The emus ultimately won the war, leaving the military's efforts in vain and crops continued to be ravaged. What do you mean they won the war? Were they packing heat? This has to be true. I think it's true. If the Australian army got out-dueled by emus. Yeah, that's good.

The third one is the Tanganaiku. Go ahead, Al. Give me that one. Oh, you took some time. Sorry, I was on a different tab. Tanganaiku. Laughing epidemic. In 1962, a laughter epidemic broke out in a girls' school in Tanzania.

It started with three students laughing uncontrollably, and within weeks it spread to around 1,000 people across several villages. Fourteen schools were closed as the laughter persisted for months, even subsiding. Eventually. Eventually subsiding on its own. That's a good time. That sounds like a gas leak.

It kind of does. I know exactly what you're saying yeah well there's there's like a town uh al you can look this up like nitrous oxide was leaking all over the town the people would just pass out and i think it had to do with some sort of natural gases leaking out i already locked in the i'm locking in the potatoes potato parking it in it's just i i believe more in humanity which often gets me in trouble i'm going with the emus the emus can't win a war they're animals but the australians all right go ahead the emus did win the war and jason next to me uh one liar liar for the day all right yeah

because that i mean that potato one was the love it had to be that was there's just no way that you you want to know where you went wrong in your life creation i love that you made it outlandish because sometimes the more outlandish the more we think oh that you you couldn't make that up but the problem was that they feared they were outnumbered and they feared a rebellion if they're afraid of these potatoes they're not tucking them into bed and throwing them birthday parties. You weren't consistent with your life, but you won. Appreciate the feedback.

Now he'll be consistent. The Spitballers Draft. Well, today we have the privilege of drafting the best leftover foods. The best leftover foods. the best leftover foods. Mike has the one-on-one and the suspense has built. I am happy because I feel like there is a clear one-on-one and the rest of the draft will be more difficult as I just, I don't like leftovers.

I know that there's, there's a culture out there that they love it. It's not for me. Okay. So what's the best one? Pizza. Oh, dang. Damn it.

Yeah. How much of that is because pizza nearly always has leftovers? I don't think. You know what I mean? There's a lot of videos. You're saying it's common. I'm saying that pizza, you order pizza

and you don't order it by the person. You order it by the pizza. So you almost always have a slice or two. So it's frequently eaten. I'm going with... Maybe we fell in love. It's just, it's more...

It's more versatile. There's a lot... Cold, hot... There's a lot of people that love cold pizza. There's people that are fine just throwing it in a microwave for a minute,

heating it up, or... Are you cold? No. I'm a microwave. I am, heating it up. Are you cold? No. I'm a microwave. I am an air fryer. Oh, is that better?

Oh, yeah. They're reheating. There's ways that you can do it on the stovetop, but there's too much work in that. But an air fryer is the perfect balance of effort and actual taste and crispiness. I believe the perfect balance is straight from the fridge but if you're cold pizza oh i'm cold pizza okay i i think i might enjoy cold pizza more than hot pizza sometimes just as a small we need to look this up because i feel like the people who say that we'll throw a poll up it well i don't know i'm saying we need to investigate their lives because i think that the cold pizza people tend out to be uh psychopaths it's possible

uh it's been to me it's like at age 13 i liked cold pizza for like 10 minutes i just love how easy it is it it is very easy it's not burning my mouth it's not soggy and drooping down it's just grab it it's not hot no but it's it's delicious um okay so all the things you listed were just of ease they weren't they weren't they're like oh no it's so overwhelming it tastes so good you're like no it's just easy you like grabbing cold pizza from the fridge i do and so i'm going i wasn't sure where i was going to go with my number two but i'm gonna go with something that i think will surprise you guys i don't know if this is super common i really really don't it is extremely common in my

household this is one of the things that we will literally order to have leftovers to have leftovers we'll order them to go and just throw them right in the fridge if we're if we're not having them today because Wait, what? Yeah. So you will order something from a restaurant and put it right in the fridge? Yep. I've done it before. Like I said, go back to my statement about pizza and cold pizza.

But here's why. Because I love them cold. Just as much as hot. Sometimes even more. And that is chicken wings. Oh, it's number two on my list all right a chicken cold chicken wings are so cold chicken wings are great i mean see what i mean like oh i'm in they're not they're not better than fresh chicken wings but but they are in ways that's what i'm

saying it's like hot pizza and cold pizza each are better in their own ways they have advantages pros and cons of both it's not just all cons and most foods when you reheat them it's all cons versus fresh but pizza and wings there are some advantages to having them be leftovers and i love me some cold chicken wings i've never had cold chicken wings ever it it took me some time to live it took me a few it makes sense like cold chicken's fine so why wouldn't a cold chicken wing be good it it's very good so pizza and chicken wings which also might have gone as like a combo just best foods um my number one leftover food is going to be it's going to be something that actually gets better with time. Yep. And there are certain things that do, and I'm going to go with chili.

I'm going to say chili because the longer it sits inside, the longer it sits. Like ferments? No, not ferments. Not longer like years, but I get what you're saying. You're right. It's just becoming better. It's something that by definition is marinating. Is it because it's pulling more flavors into the liquid?

It's pulling more flavors into the liquid? So I want something with a leftover. It just keeps getting better. The leftover, if this is like homemade chili. If this is homemade chili, I just made it fresh today, it's good. You put that in the fridge, you heat it up the next day. It is definitely better. The flavors have grown.

So do you ever take like a can of Hormel and just put it in a bowl and then into the fridge? No, because I imagine the can of Hormel has been existing for quite a while. It's been in that can for a while. Maybe the cold was needed. My second one, I'll see if I can get away with this. You can veto it if you need to or make me change it. It's Thanksgiving food. Which one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've got too many on my list. You don't get all of that. I gonna take whatever you don't giving turkey okay leftover turkey from thanksgiving well thank goodness it wouldn't have mattered what i said you would have said that anyway yes no not true because they're very similar there's a bunch of them that are good that way yeah no is the turkey of the the terrible thanksgiving food turkey is the best you can grab it out of the fridge. You don't have to do any work.

You can throw it on a sandwich. It's at best the fourth best. And I've got three others on my list. Okay, go. Am I up? Yeah. Oh, I didn't realize that. That's how it works.

Only for the last 247 shows. This is my first time here, fellas. Man, I feel pushed into grabbing it because of this i'm gonna duel him my number one holiday food is the holiday ham holiday ham is way better than turkey yeah yeah well but but specifically like the the honey yeah like honey baked ham yeah leftover ham got it yeah well leftover ham sounds like deli meat. I'm talking about a holiday ham. You're like a thick cut.

Yeah. This is a steak piece of ham. Just like you have on Thanksgiving. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Is this steak or is this ham? Everyone knows what I'm talking about. It's a holiday ham. I don't know what else to tell you.

Christmas ham. I'm following. Yeah. Everyone's following. Has anyone ever showed up to Thanksgiving, like lifted off the top, and then it's just a whole bunch of deli ham? But just as big. Just a mountain of sliced deli ham.

That'd actually be pretty funny. Could you just cover your honey-baked ham with a bunch of deli meat? That would do it. Yeah. All right. So you got the holiday ham no one knows what that is no one's ever heard of that Mike you're up two picks so ham and turkey both on the list

I'm going to go with so the first one this is I don't really like leftovers like I said but this one somehow I think it it does sometimes it is actually better on the second time around. It's spaghetti.

Like a reheated spaghetti. Next on my list. There is something that happens in the food that transforms it, and somehow it can actually taste better. So can I tell you the truth about this? Yeah. I think it's an outstanding pick. To be honest, I think it's my number one.

Ooh, okay. However, I got cold feet because I mentioned that pick to somebody here in Football it's my number one oh okay however i got cold feet because i mentioned that pick to somebody here in footballers spitballer studios and they clowned and they kind of they were aghast they backed off of it they thought it was a bad take no and i thought maybe what it put doubt in my mind that i was the only one that thought this and so for votes i was afraid of it but i think spaghetti something happens to it where it becomes stickier or something, and it heats, and it's just congealed, and it's so good. It's not just that.

That is all true, and I agree with both of you. This is an excellent pick. It's my favorite. Mike, you've got pizza, so you're already going to win the poll, but this is also a poll winner. But sometimes the reason why no one's all... Sometimes, you know, the reason why no one's drafting fries today, French fries, is because when you reheat them,

it's awful. Air fryer works pretty good. Sure, but you know what I'm saying. You put them in the microwave, it sucks. You eat them cold, it sucks. I don't know. Cold fries? They're not that bad.

Who's the psychopath? they're not that bad no they're not that bad who's the psychopath no andy's not bad cold fries that i've discovered a taste for they're the kind of thing here's exactly how cold fries work you have one and you're like ew that's gross yeah i need to make sure that was then you have a second one and then you're like this is fine no and then the third one you're like i i think i'm enjoying this this is awful this is making my mouth you don't have any more you're making my mouth hurt right now with dryness you you have to have a beverage at the red yeah you do because they are very dry but just you monsters cold fries you guys are cold fries that bad um man what was i even oh spaghetti reheats great oh gross i'm done with this show cold fries. It's not that bad. Man, what was I eating? Oh, spaghetti reheats great.

Oh, gross. I'm done with this show. Cold fries. And then I will follow up the spaghetti with macaroni and cheese because that also reheats pretty well. It's the same concept. Yep, it is. All the pastas, they do, something happens from fridge to microwave where they just become

better. A little bit of magic. Honestly, I would prefer it if people made spaghetti, didn't serve it, put it in the fridge, and served it the next night. I have thought that before. It would be better. How do you? You stole my number one and number two because I got real cold feet.

Rob. How do you guys? Oh, it was Rob? Yeah. Oh, exposed. How do you guys store your spaghetti? it's gotta be tupperware see i we do a ziploc bag it's oh a bag is fine yeah yeah it works really well yeah does it have the same properties yeah oh yeah yeah that's how i usually store leeching plastic was the key

the i used to store our pizza in bags as well but then i got this new little well you have a pizza you have a special pizza thing? I got a special little... Is it a slice stacker? It's like a silicone thing, but it pops out. And it comes with little trays. Oh, come on. It holds like six pieces of pizza.

It's made four? Yeah, it's in a triangle shape. Thanks for the link, bro. I can't find magic like that not tell me about it all right i'll try and find it i think i see it all right it pops up yeah yeah it works great it really because like because i bought the places that don't have the consistent slice size it is it a challenge you gotta i was very concerned because uh the place we ordered from they do a pretty big slice but i haven't a problem. What about when you get like square cut thin crust?

That's not going to work. Yeah, this is a triangle shape. That's why I brought it up, Mike. I'm seeing some problems. I bet it would still work. You just wouldn't be able to get it. You might have to stack a little bit. Put it in like a diamond.

All right. I am up. My true favorite leftover food, I know I'm going to get with my fourth pick. So I'm holding out on that. And I'm going to go with yet another food that can be better on day two than day one. And that's mashed potatoes. So I'm rounding out the Thanksgiving meal you wanted. You probably wanted mashed potatoes and ham and turkey.

Do you ever go cold potatoes? No. Oh, that's lunacy. Cold potatoes, that's one I actually disagree with. What do you mean you disagree? Reheated mashed potatoes. I don't. Because reheating mashed potatoes, there's never a consistent heating.

It doesn't heat consistently on the mic. So it's a bit of a microwave dance. If you could reheat them, whatever, that's fine. But I feel like what happens is I get a little bit cold, a little bit hot, a little bit clumpy, a little bit not. a little bit hot, a little bit clumpy, a little bit not. A little bit this, a little bit that. Don't want the mashed potatoes, my man.

You want to know how to do it? You take the mashed potatoes. You put it in the center of the plate. Okay? Okay. You make a little hole in the center of the mashed potatoes. Okay. Done.

Put the plate in the middle. You're going to get perfectly heated mashed potatoes. That sounds unlike your pizza take. That's a lot of work. That sounds like science. It's a little bit of work. It's science. It's a little bit of work, and it's worth perfectly heated mashed potatoes. That sounds unlike your pizza take. That's a lot of work. That sounds like science. It's a little bit of work. It's science, it's a little bit of work, and it's worth it. Because mashed potatoes are worth it.

So if you take the middle out, it fixes it. Exactly. Middle of the plate, though. What happens when you're making a Thanksgiving plate of reheating food? You put the other stuff around it. That's fair. You think this is either you got too much mashed potatoes on your plate or you got too small a plate.

Well, I'm not going to be left without any pasta, so I'm going lasagna. Lasagna has the same principles. It reheats delightfully. It does have a little bit of the mashed potato hot cold situation going on. It's okay. Going lasagna. You can't really stir the lasagna.

No, you can't stir the lasagna. And what I traditionally do is you take a plate and you put it in the middle and you put it in the microwave. You cut a really stir the lasagna. No, you can't stir the lasagna. And what I traditionally do is you take a plate, and you put it in the middle, and you put it in the microwave. You cut a hole in the middle of your lasagna? No, I just suffer. And then my last one is pot roast. Pot roast sits in its own juices. If you have juices as a food, more time with the juices is good for you.

Yeah. So pot roast, finishing out my four chili Thanksgiving turkey lasagna pot roast. B-E-A-utiful. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I like all this food. I think it sounds delicious. I'm not crazy about the turkey because it gets dry. Everything else, i'm just

starving now um with my final pick i'm going with what i said is my favorite thing to reheat uh it allows me to do great things with this item that you would not usually do these food drafts with jason are just so interesting I feel like it's turning over a leaf into you know a new world it is a wagyu tomahawk steak what are you doing listen that you can't eat this steak if you order a tomahawk steak at a restaurant you can't eat it it's like 40 ounces you're putting fancy restaurant steak in the microwave. Yes, sir. Well, not all. Well, not always. I will reheat this on my stove as well, which this doesn't say microwave. This is just leftovers. Yeah. Dumbest pick ever. No, let me tell you why it's not. I do not believe it, but it's so niche. Yes, it is niche. It's

my favorite. I knew it would be there. I didn't think you guys were going after the tomahawk. Yeah. But here's why it is the perfect leftover food. One, it has to be leftovers. Unless you're sharing it at a table with, like, everybody. If you order a tomahawk, you are saying. You know his policy. Never share my wagyu.

That's right. You are saying, I am going to have leftovers. So, one, it is built to be a leftover. Do they have? I'm curious, though. When you do this, do they have microwaves on your yacht? Well, no. I would only do it stovetop on the yacht.

Okay. That makes sense. And your butler prepares it. Right. When I say I, I mean, I would order it this way. But the other thing is, like, I love steak and eggs for breakfast. But steak and eggs is always, like, flank steak. You know, it's like you go to a restaurant and you get steak and eggs.

It's whatever the cheapest. So when you get a tomahawk, you're thinking about breakfast? I'm thinking about breakfast. I'm thinking I get a Wagyu tomahawk and eggs breakfast. Can I have a quick sidebar here? Sure. Because this is perfect. We were in the car yesterday, and my son was asking a question,

like a spitballer's type question. He said, if you were rich and had a mansion, and you could install three restaurants in there, which three would you install? This was to the whole car and the whole family. Well, we're all just like, to me, the game is like, well, you're going to pick common things that people know because you win the game that way and my wife named some stupid small vegetable perfect restaurant

that no one's ever heard of and i go you're the jason of this drive i said you found the niche thing to answer the question all we wanted to hear was chick-fil-a jack-of-the-box and burger king and you give me a niche veggie place. It sounds like she upgraded your house. All right, Mike, final pick. Soup. Jason ended. Oh, soup.

Yes. I'm just going to make it real easy. Utah chili, and I feel like I don't have to claim a specific soup because there's no more picks left. Soup. Soup. It works. It works.

What? There it is. There it is there it is the draft mike ended with pizza spaghetti mac and cheese and soup for his first place victory jason with chicken wings holiday ham mashed potatoes and a wagyu tomahawk steak you want to pick like any of the specific um like farms farms that you oh because i mean i mean it's usually snake river farms oh okay you did all right what did we learn today i'll hop right in because i learned that i'm sitting next to psychopaths who eat cold fries like monsters hey just give it a rip man give it a rip but i have everyone's eaten one before they go what am i doing look they it it's not

it's not the first bite either what is doing? Look, it's not an extended. It's not the first bite either. And I'm saying it's not like you can't be in there for multiple days. How did you describe it, Brooks? Well, it's food. Yeah, it's a very well-picked food situation. I learned that Jason believes he will save, that he speeds to the extent that he will save more than 59 hours a year.

Not that I do, but that I would. That you would. Bears. that he speeds to the extent that he will save more than 59 hours a year. Not that I do. He could. But that I would. That you would. Bears. Bears and no bears. I take issue with that one.

Allegedly. Allegedly. I don't know if we lost. I don't feel like we lost. I don't feel like I lost. Well, I beat you two. Yeah, that's true. I do feel like I lost now.

Thanks for listening. Tell your friends. Back with another episode soon. Spit hit on Thursday. Thanks for listening. Tell your friends. Back with another episode soon. Spit hit on Thursday. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.