Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 249: Prison Volunteers & Vacation Peeves - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

We kick things off with Owl’s much anticipated scat. Does he hit it out of the park or fall on his face? You be the judge! We also discuss prisons, an idea for a new “sue you” app, and earthquake isle. We shut it down with a draft of vacation peeves. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'm lying and I'm flying while you're crying and you're dying. Come on. What? No. No. Why are we dying? I'm lying and I'm flying while you're crying and you're dying. Come on. What? No.

Why are we dying? Oh, it came and it went. It's over too quick. I wanted a lot more bars. Oh, he flew right through that scat. Was that a scat? That was a rat. It was a slide right through.

I mean, we've kind of blended those things together. Yeah. Welcome in. It's a scrap. I feel like Owl went on the internet and said, give me a rhyming dictionary, please. And then just put a word in.

And he's like, that's's it that's what i'm doing i remember the flying and the dying yeah so what what were those words i'm lying and i'm flying while you're crying and you're dying lying okay it's a liar liar and we're dying because we'd stink at it yeah okay what does it feel like knowing that at this exact moment this is the furthest you are from your next scat, Al? You have 81 episodes to go. It is very freeing. 83 episodes to go.

How sweaty are your armpits? I mean, our AC is not working real well, so it's compounded, but they're sweaty. That question is applicable at all times, regardless of scats. Welcome in. Would you rather? You made it. Congratulations. Yeah.

Thanks, boys. Is this real life and a draft today. Looking at pet peeves on a vacation, which there are some. I think as we're all fathers. And so we know the difference between a true vacation and then like a, technically you call it a vacation because you get it off of work. But maybe there's a little more work. So are we just throwing this out there?

Kids are allowed as an answer. Yeah, that's what I was just going to add it to my list. Yeah, family. I want to go on a solo vacay. So we'll draft those vacation pet peeves. And I guess Jason will have the first pick then, right? Because you are the one that had... Yeah.

Thank you for taking my scat, Al. You're welcome, buddy. And let's kick it off. Would you rather... Our first would you rather question today comes from Sinead on Patreon. Would you rather go on a reality show like Survivor and win, but be hated by the viewers, or get booted off, but beloved by the viewers?

And this is a great, great question, because I'm a big Survivor fan. Right. So when you bring up, and there's other shows, right, like Big Brother and the dating shows and all that stuff. Sure. Any, yeah, I think this applies to any and all versions of that show. I think the right answer is the second one. I think it's better to have lost but be beloved.

And the reason I believe that is because I have seen. But like particularly Survivor. I think this answer actually changes depending on the show. I think that's fair. I think I am thinking of it strictly through a Survivor lens. I think it's better to be beloved and lose for two reasons. One, you'll get invited back. If you're loved by the fans, you'll get to go play again.

And if you play, you're going to get some amount of money. No one knows what that is, but you get some amount of money for playing. But if you win, what's more likely to come back? If you win or if you're beloved? You'll also potentially come back if you win. And if you're hated. However. And if you're hated, yes.

I said there's two parts. The second part, in today's day and age is personal brand. If people love you, you will have opportunities forever. Social media, personal brand, going on other shows, selling merchandise, having people like you. I think you'll make more money. I think that you get all of that by being the heel as well i think in today's day and age you can you can take a persona that is hated and negative and

you're the bad guy and you can make a brand out of that you can have appearances and if you're truly hated won't people not like following you no they'll hate follow you they will yeah i mean you can you can have the anti here well anti-hero is not hated uh but yeah you can be someone who is despised and still get a big social media following there have been very famous villains but i don't know if they're truly hated like if you're actually hated and despised what was like i feel like there's probably on those dating shows there's been guys that are like. No, who was the, I don't remember her name. I want to say like something Nisa.

It was like early, early, early, early. What show are we talking? Survivors? No, the Celebrity Apprentice or whatever. Apprentice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like super hated. Right.

But super popular. Yes. She kept coming back and, you, and everybody knew her name then. I don't remember it now, obviously. But I think she's a good example of, like, you can be the disliked one and have a total brand. And obviously, if you win, you get a million dollars. That's the big difference. We're burying the lead.

Yeah, that's probably fair. Would you rather win all of the money or not? I do think- Omarosa. Yes, Omarosa. That's probably fair. Would you rather win all of the money or not? I do think Omarosa. Yes. It's an interesting name. I think whatever path gets you to being, to having a life outside of one series of a reality show is whatever that is.

And if you can do that with winning, that'd be the better way to go. So the way I read this question is if I win, I, again, sorry, what was the cash prize? It's a million dollars. So I win a million dollars. Yeah. But on the negative side, I am vilified and hated by dozens of people. At least, I would say.

Maybe a hundred. I think a 100 or hundreds. Not like 1,000. Right, of course. There's got to be at least hundreds of people that still watch Survivor. Survivor viewership has got to be pushing the hundreds, right? Yeah, because it's on CBS, right? It's real interesting how they can keep giving a million dollars away. A lot of places have gone down in their prizing.

It's still a million bucks. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what money laundering. Who's paying for that? Jeff Probst out of his own pocket? Maybe. Maybe Probst is laundering his money through Survivor.

If we look at his taxes, how much are you losing a year, Jeff Probst? At least a million dollars. It would be pretty funny. I wonder what new viewership on Survivor has got to be about zero for the last 15 years. They haven't gotten a new fan of that show since 1998. It's the World of Warcraft of television shows. It just keeps going.

If you played in the beginning, you're still watching maybe, but no new players. Blake from the website, would you rather have to walk a half mile to get to your car every time you want to use it? That's crazy. Or have to manually change all four tires on the side of a highway once a week without notice. Oh, my goodness. This is a great one, too.

Number one, have every time you want to use it, Number one, have... Every time you want to use it? Have either of you ever had to do a side of the freeway, highway tire change? Yes, I have. I didn't do the change. I didn't have to do it. And every time you drive by the people who are doing it, my heart just freaks out for these people.

Because of the threat of people hitting them? Yeah, and even if everything is completely safe and kosher, if you're over far enough, you still have multi-ton weapons flying by you going 80-plus miles an hour, so you're just hearing... Like the whole time, there's no way I'm getting a tire change. Do a big rig sound, too.

Look, I was so lucky on my one highway flat tire yeah um that actually i've had a couple but on one of them i'm telling you the second i pulled over with a fully blown tire one of those uh the police trucks that circled the freeway to help people pulled up right beside me and changed my tire for me and i was gone because they do really they they have the police trucks their whole job is to circle the freeway all day long and just help motorists wow that's i mean i feel like if i were pulled over with a flat tire and then a cop showed up behind me like now what what do you want from me put your hands in the air.

Sir, you're not allowed to park here. I don't want to be parked here. Is the half mile walk a death sentence in Arizona? In Arizona, I mean, a half mile. If I were to walk a half mile to anything. A half mile is like what? Like a 10 to 15 minute walk? It's like a 10.

10 minute walk, I think. Like two quarter miles added up. Yeah. We're working miles added up. Yeah. We're working on the timing, though. How fast are you walking half a mile? 15 minutes. 10 to 15? Yeah. Al's nodding.

10 to 12. 10 to 12. At a good pace. Every time. Well, Jason's going to crawl the second half. He's going to need more like 20, though. I better be walking straight to, like, my car better be parked at a shower. Just that's i i mean it has to because by the time i got in the car would he like and went into a place and does it get transported half a mile away instantly yeah if i if i i mean

every time you want to use your car i go in the building when i come out it has been relocated a half mile away and how long oh? Oh, that would stink. So how long does it take you to change four tires? Oh, that's a long time. Oh, so long. Me. Oh, yeah. A long time.

Even an expert with a gun is probably taking them a little while. Really? I feel like an expert with a pneumatic gun. They're just like. No, but it's not just the actual bolts and the nuts and everything. You have to lift the car. Where do these tires come from? You have to lug them around all day?

You get a magic one out of the trunk each time. Oh, each time you close the trunk, open it, and there's the next one? In this question, yes. That would have to be the case. I think I have to take the half mile. I can't take the random chance I have two hours on the side of the road every week. Well, not only that, you know, being on the side of the road, it is very dangerous. Just like Mike was saying, it's not just dangerous feeling.

It's actually a super dangerous position to be in. You know, I know people that have been hit while they're on the side of the road. And so if you're doing this every single week, your odds of a real problem seem too high. You've got to walk to your car here. Would you become incredible at it, though? You'd be the fastest at changing tires, and you'd probably get a road kit with flares and lights and stuff? I would definitely move past the having to YouTube

how to change a tire every time I have to change my tire, I'd be able to skip that part. If you don't have signal on the side of the road, you're doomed. If it's the first time, I'm just going to panic and forget how to do it. Even though there's really nothing to it, you just are like, am I doing this right? You got yourself a jack in your car?

I think so. We'll find out. Where's the jack button? I'll tell you sometime in the next week as my car explodes. Ever since I mentioned the getting pulled over, I've been very paranoid. Ever since I said it's been so long, I've been looking over my shoulder. Fun fact, Al's mom didn't know how fast he was going. So that was fun.

I think she was proud. She was proud he was not over 100. Did we ever say that? We never said it. I don't think we said the number because she had to ask, but you were in double digits, which is impressive. Yeah. Now, is that just what you were caught at? Like you slowed down to double digits or

oh mom's gonna be upset let's keep this going moving on moving on okay so are you final votes here are you going the uh the mile half a mile i'm gonna walk a half a mile and i'm good for all of our health no it won't you think i'm leaving the house i mean oh you just never leave yeah i am ordering everything in uh fellas i'm working remote uh i will be at my house until winter jason has no car it's equivalent of you having no vehicle yes no would you would you rather have to i mean let's change the question okay would you rather have to change all four tires on the side of the road once a week at random or not have a car i would rather not have

a car i'd rather not have a car i'm gonna have to hitch rides like an uber that's fine i would absolutely pick no car so i'll i'll just wait till winter and then i'll walk to my car all right cassie from Twitter. Would you rather never have another vacation again or have to spend two weeks in prison every time you return from a vacation? You mean just going back to work? Am I right? Oh, man.

Am I right, America? Am I right, America? All the people in prison right now are like, no, I'd rather have a job. Thank you. This is, I just don't know how good of a vacation I can plan to make that worth it. Are there prisoners, other prisoners in prison? There are. Okay.

Never have another vacation again your honor say uh low the low security like white collar oh like one of them uh like martha stewart prisons yeah yeah yeah yeah i've actually want to go to those you're not gonna get hurt we'll say that yeah it's just bored for two weeks you want to know the answer to the vacation without the family. It's a white-collar prison, baby. Wait, I get two vacations. Yes. Yes, you get to rest after your vacation, Mike.

Pull up a book, and you can't go anywhere. You just have to lay there and read. Food will be provided. Yeah. A white-collar prison. I am trying to commit tax fraud on every real vacation so that I can follow it up with a two-week vacation. What's calling the IRS?

Hello, it's the IRS. You did it. You caught me. Who is this? No, you got me. My hands are behind my back. Lock me up. Take me away.

Take me away. Now, what are, just so that you know just for educational purposes what are the most white collar crimes like what are the ones that are gonna get put me in the fancy insider trading yeah it's no that's that's the most do you think there's anybody else there like that the whole white collar prison is just SEC violations. There's nothing else. It's just they go around the room. What are you in for? Insider trading.

They just say the company name. They're like IBM. Who did you inside trade? Money laundering, embezzlement, insider trading, tax evasion, bribery. If you want to get into some bribery. Fraud is at the top of the list give me the i'll take the insider trading but man the idea of two vacations it sounds pretty good i i will be definitely still going on vacations by the choice of this question um if

i can know that this is a white collar prison i will take i mean that's a month off because i'm doing a two-week vacation your vacations minimum have to be two weeks yep are the do those prisons are there the times when they're like okay uh your time's up you're free and then people just like meh i'm actually i'm good here do you realize how much trading i did zero dollar rent free food i think i think what you do is right before you get out, the day before you get out, you try to bribe the guard. Oh, no. That's another three days.

Oh, no. Is that on camera? You caught me again. I'm the worst criminal. I love the part where you called the IRS. You caught me. Busted. You had a wire on me, didn't you?

Sir, we don't know who you are. Who is this? Sir, this is a Wendy's. All right, Stuart from Patreon. Would you rather live a life with no pain, but also no feeling of physical touch, or live a life with heightened senses, but also heightened sensitivity to pain it's like uh crap what was that the movie oh sorry i'll look it up yeah just keep thinking about that i will find it heightened sensitivity any of us consider themselves uh high pain tolerance low pain

tolerance i at least when i was younger i was very high pain tolerance i don't i consider myself a baby but i don't think it's actually pain tolerance i i think i'm okay with pain it's like a mental i'm a baby you're more like the thought of things so you're more thrown off by like the fear of the pain that might be coming than the anticipation enduring the pain 100 so that coming than the pain than enduring the pain. 100%. So that is a baby, actually. Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah, that's a baby. I am a baby.

Equilibrium was the movie I was looking for. The Christian Bale movie where they're in the future. You guys haven't seen Equilibrium? I've never heard of it. I think I've heard of it, but that's... Put that on the top of your movie list. It's good? Really? Yeah, this was right around the exact same time as The Matrix. And it's, the whole plot is it's the future and everyone takes a little vial of serum that removes.

Takes their pain? It removes all your emotions away. And then there's a rebellion of people who are like, I want to feel again. I mean. It's Christian Bale, man. It's really good. You obviously have insight into this question. Yes.

Having seen this movie. Probably the expert for this question. Right. So, Mike, if we can go to you, how did having no pain and no emotion, how did that affect them? It looked like they didn't really feel much is where I will start. And yeah, it kind of became the just pointing out, you know, life is not life if you can't experience both sides of the spectrum. Yeah, that's true. Which is, it's a really crappy,

like that's one of those realizations. That's 100% true. You get old and you're like, why is the bad stuff happening? You're like, well, because then there wouldn't be good stuff. Yeah. If it's only good stuff,

there's no good stuff. And look, sorry, if everyone's special, no one's special. Sorry, everybody. Sorry to drop that bomb. If you eat enough lobster, it tastes like soap. Like if you just keep eating. It tastes like soap? Yeah, that's the phrase.

It's a saying. That's a saying? Yeah, because if you eat the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again, it's no longer, like it's only good compared to something else. That totally makes sense. But I thought you were dropping another fact on me. People who overeat lobster, it turns into soap? Cleans their mouth. Because it doesn't smell like soap.

The pain, I feel like I experienced so much more pain when I was younger. Well, you get hurt more often, yes. That's all I mean, like physical pain. I assume that's what we're talking about here, right? Are you talking about physical pain? Yeah, you'll still have emotions and stuff. This is just your actual physical pain and sensitivity to touch. Now, there are people that don't feel pain at all.

And it's a condition. And then they get really hurt because something happens to their body. And there's pain. So do we get at least like an email if we're bleeding or something or like you have a nail in your foot the blood should give it away um what about i mean that those people they sometimes it doesn't if you're burning your hand yeah it's gonna be too late themselves or i guess that's part of what you gotta look at you gotta wear gloves all the time that's a pro and a con because you burned yourself. Either way, do you want to feel it more or just be like, oh, that's not good for me.

But thank goodness I couldn't feel it. Maybe this is weird. Maybe this is 100% how you think. But I'm only really afraid of the last pain. The pain that like ends life. Right? We're all going to die. So someday. I'm not afraid of like pain in between.

Is that weird? I don't really understand what you mean because the pain in between is just called pain. I just mean like the pain that doesn't kill you because all that pain will either like make you stronger. It was right there. Had to do it. The whole every car around america was singing along with me they were did i really put that on the t a little bit it was a little stretch but you know when when you have the opportunity you got to take it um i think you

have to have more pain and more pleasure yeah i mean yeah it mike's right you you don't have good without bad uh you don't know what is nice without knowing what is mean and and so i i'll take i'll take heightened sense of awareness to my physical touch okay i'm gonna go that way too. We got time for another one, Al, or should we move on? Let's move on. Is this real life? All right, I'll kick it off. This one's just, it's perfect because I don't know, maybe this guy, maybe it's a white collar situation here. But California man gets prison for nearly $9 million of phony cow manure to green energy investment scheme.

Oh, okay. So this fine gentleman, Ray Brewer, 66 years old, he was sentenced to six years and nine months in federal prison. Don't know what kind. But he basically scammed a lot of people. He was BSing. He was literally BSing in the fact

that he was basically going to build these anaerobic digesters, as he called them, at Derry's to take manure, turn it into methane, sell the methane, and then promised all of his investors big, big profits. It can't be something that he never thought could happen. You know what I mean?

It's not like he was convincing. Yeah, I mean, because eventually you know you're going to have to pay the piper. If I were to do that, if I were to say, you know what, I've got this great idea, I think I can convince farmers that I can build this exact tool, and I can sell it to them but me Jason I know I can't build that knowing that I can't build it I already know that there will come a day where reckoning yeah the reckoning will come but you feel like if you get the money and you get enough time you may be able to get this thing made I think this guy thought I think this guy believed in himself, and then along the way was like, I can't do this.

Well, his plan, the way he paid back some people was he took more money from others. So he'd get more investments and then pay back the beginning people. That's called a Ponzi scheme. Yeah, a little bit. And then he legitimately fled at the end of it all. Yeah, you have no choice. First, he sent updates to all these investors throughout the the process pictures of machines that he said was his machine being

built were these just like stock photos they probably had like the getty images in the corner image search that picture but he literally like he left he bought he used all the money to buy himself land a custom home okay it said multiple dodge rams i think this guy did not he did not believe he could do it because he wasn't even trying and then he just spent the money he assumed a new identity and moved out of state okay he never thought he could do this is just a total bs we gave this guy a lot of credit for nothing i do like the fact that this this scheme that was planned was a uh it was a poop scheme yeah no that's fun good so um all right well speaking of animals a little bit because that's where the poop comes from

i will go next um and i'm going to uh i'm going to read my headline that reads the sea otter harassing surfers off the california coast eludes capture as her fan club grows i like where this is going already it's i've heard a little bit about this one yeah this one have you heard about this this is great because this is actually like right this is current this is happening recently this it's live and ongoing this is an ongoing issue, to the best of my knowledge, that I've seen. Yeah. I mean, this article is from five days ago. They are still trying to capture Otter841.

That's the name. They couldn't even name it? I feel like that's a little rude. Yeah, that sucks. She's popular right now. Like, I feel like we should name Otter 841. What's a good otter name, though? Well, but let's have a little bit of context here.

I'll tell you what she does. She steals surfboards from surfers. She wrestles them away from them aggressively. How strong is this otter? She's real strong. There's video. And she will flip the surfboard over. She will bite the surfboard, tear chunks out of the surfboard

she's a very aggressive otter and yet she has a fan club she has a fan club because if you watch the video it's pretty cool because you're seeing an otter on a surfboard and that's not like that otter that's not that otter surfboard she didn't buy that surfboard she took she said i want that that's my toy and she's gonna take. She didn't buy that surfboard. She took it. She said, I want that. That's my toy. And she's going to take it. Maybe she tried to buy one. It was denied due to she's an otter. Yeah, that's not fair to her.

They're trying to capture her. Is she still at large? They're trying to capture her for weeks, and they can't capture her because they can't net her or tranquilize her because she could drown. And so they have to basically her or tranquilize her because she could drown and so they have to basically get their hands on her and so what they've been doing is of course i mean you know what the bait is you put a surfboard out there yeah they've been baiting her with surfboards and it's been working she gets up on that surfboard and then they try to tow her in oh really yeah and then she then she gets wise to this.

She's like, I know what you guys are doing. Just jumps back in. They can't catch her. Because that's her native land. She's much faster, more nimble than us humans. So we can do all sorts of stuff, but we can't catch an otter. We can't catch an otter. Not in the ocean.

Old slippery fingers. Yeah, I could catch an otter in a room. Bathtub? slippery fingers so i could catch an otter in a in a room yeah i'm reading a female southern sea otter can grow up to 50 pounds i would or even a northern sea can weigh up to 70 pounds i had no idea an otter was that big if i'm being honest for a decent amount of this segment i've been trying to remember what an otter is you should google Google it. Yeah? Yeah, I think you... It's not a walrus. Okay, okay. These are slippery little...

They are very... They're very... Have you ever seen like the... Super cute. They look super friendly. The otters, where they're like, they're floating on their back and they got the baby on their tummy.

Uh-huh. Like otters are incredible. I've seen these at zoos. Oh, otters are delightful. They're all the rage right now. And I can tell you from that video, she's nearer to that 50 pound limit okay oh she yeah she's a big girl she's been eating surfboards surfboards a calorie count very dense yeah that is dense um but yeah honestly it frightens me that an otter can eat through a surfboard i was shocked when it when it said

biting chunks out of the surfboard i'm like can they attack us can i oh yeah could i bite a chunk out of a surfboard no i don't think so but your mouth was not designed for that neither was hers i am seeing a picture of her bite a surfboard um delightful i hope they never catch this i hope they never catch her many people hope they never catch her but there are signs posted everywhere wait signs that like stay out of the water signs that say there's an otter in the water that say warning aggressive otter in these waters it should say warning totally gnarly and bodacious surfing sea otter wow um my surf at your own. What do you got for us? So I love this article. Otter 841. When I heard about this, I'll call it a scheme, but this is a positive one.

And it was incredible that this person has figured out this system. So here is the headline. Texas man wins $100,000 suing robbo callers and shares how you can too. So essentially what this, this guy was, I mean, as robo calls or just this, it's the scum of the earth. These, it's the worst, these phones, these people want robots calling you trying to trick you. It's there. They're the ones who are scamming people, and clearly it works, unfortunately.

So this guy said he was on a trip, and at home was his wife and his new baby, and he was getting these scammy calls from fake hospitals and things that are freaking him out about his kid. And so I think that's when he just decided, I have to do something about this. And he says, so he starts by, he puts his number on the national do not call registry, which I've done that. It has not-

Worthless. It doesn't do anything. Well, that's what I thought. It's worthless when it comes to stopping the calls. But now that you're on the list, now you just start going through this. Are you unlocking something? Yeah. So he keeps the conversations going, basically gets more information about it

so he can actually track down the company. Then he reaches back out to that company and says, do not call me anymore. And then if they call him again, now they have – this is an infraction. Really? He reaches back out to that company and says, do not call me anymore. And then if they call him again, now they have, this is an infraction. And he documents all these things. So he takes these just scam artists to small claims. And settlements range from $500 to thousands of dollars, depending on how many times they've called you. This is like his full-time job.

His full-time job is. He can't wait to get a scammer call. He's sitting around going, I need work. Go ahead, call me. Just waiting for that spam call. Is this like he accumulates this with lots and lots and lots of different lawsuits and just gets little payments from each one?

Yes. What are we entitled to here? Each claim, he said, is about $500 to a couple thousand. Okay, alright. It can 500 bucks to a couple thousand okay all right can be up to a couple thousand see we need an app on the phone where you can just instantly it's like sue this person on any call yeah and then you click it and then you sue them it's like we we need more people that are able and willing to take this upon themselves because i mean if you got enough people doing this the calls will have to stop.

That is the hardest part about all of the junk mail you get in the mail and then the spam calls is that, like, for me, I have to care so much and put in so much time, effort, and money to stop you from messaging just me. It's like everybody bets, the spammers bet on just no one caring like eventually you're just like yeah whatever and they win that bet so much that when people sue it's still fine they're still gonna keep calling yeah but he's he has said he he's like the money is nice but he is doing this hoping and he and he has a i mean of course he he sells a way to do it uh a kit on how to perfectly take care of these illegal callers, but he's hoping it won't stop him.

Very important question. Is he trying to sell these kits by phone? Anonymously? I hope not. With a number that looks shockingly like your own? Oh, no, I hope not. All right, well, that was Is This Real Life? Three real-life stories that we found very interesting.

Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. If I'm lying, then you're dying, and I'm flying, and you're crying. All right, we are drafting Vacation Pet Peeves. We've all decided we'd love a little bit of white-collar prison vacation, but on a normal vacation, there are always things that, well, they're not so fun. Most of them you just tolerate, right? They're just things you tolerate, but if you could take this list of 12 probably

and fix them all, vacations would get much better yes they would and and oh when i'm looking at uh when i'm looking at my list because i've got the first pick here i don't think there is a clear 101 like a universal 101 for that that stretches across everybody um i have a 101 i have the worst part of every vacation without a doubt. And so I'll be drafting it. But I think that a lot of people don't even mind this part. Okay. For some people.

I know what it's going to be. For some people, it's easy. It's not a big deal. For us, it is the worst of the worst of the worst part. This is it. This is it. And it and it's packing oh andy had it right and he had it he wrote it down it's not on my list but this that's a that's a great one i mean packing for some people is like a 10 to 30 minute ordeal yeah getting ready for a trip yeah that's me yeah oh baby two weeks two weeks the luggage is out at least a week early

we're putting some stuff over here we're packing way too much we're overthinking everything oh my goodness the laundry that has to get done with the whole packing is what you need a vacation from for us yes i will say that in jason take, taking many vacations over the last, you know, 10 years of doing this podcast, I think almost every single time nearing his vacation, he will say the phrase to me. Yeah.

We were up until like 2 AM last night packing. Like he will tell me days before I was like, Oh, did you get a good night's sleep? Yeah. Well, not really. I mean,

we're up until I got better at this. I don't know, man. Every time, every time. Could he you not gotten better at this? I don't know, man. Every time. Every time. Could he be doing something wrong? I think so. I wager yes, 100%. They are doing something

wrong. He's putting all the clothes on the outside of the container? There has not been a single vacation in the last eight years where we have not said I think this is the one. Oh, that you'll get it figured out? Yep.

I think we're going to be – I like that optimism. This is going to be smooth. Like, no, we're going to be prepared. This is the one. And even sometimes a week before, three or four days before, we think we are prepped and ready. I can tell you right now that if we leave in the morning,

then we go to bed at four. If we leave in the morning, then we go to bed at 4. If we leave in the day, then we are screaming, tearing our hair out right up until about 30 minutes after we should have left. If you want to make some quick money in Phoenix, Arizona, become a professional packer, and Jason will hire you. I will. All right. I'm up.

That is correct. All right. I'm going to go with one that a lot of people can relate to. I think the implications of it are the most significant in terms of aggravation, frustration, being totally potentially displaced. And sadly, my own mother is dealing with it right this moment in time. And that would be mama skids that would be flight delays yes yes flight flight delay is my number one are brutal it is a you're trapped at adam

best case scenario you're trapped at the airport for a while yes worst case you get canceled you you miss connecting flights all of that stuff. You have no control. Like a lot of these things that we're going to talk about today, you have some level of control. The packing, it may suck, but you're responsible for this. I wish. But the flight delay is like I can't go and make the plane safer. The pilots take off or make them arrive on time.

So flight delays, I think, are the, you know, everybody knows the feeling when they get on the flight that they're supposed to be on, and they actually are them arrive on time. So flight delays, I think, are the, you know, everybody knows the feeling when they get on the flight that they're supposed to be on, and they actually are taking off on time, and you're like, oh, yeah. Yes. Whew. I did it.

Breathe easy. Now all I have to do is not crash. Yeah, the worst part of the delayed flight is it's stealing from your vacation. Yeah. Like, this is precious time. I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I had a trip years and years ago. I was going with my dad and my wife.

We were going down to Australia, and we went to the airport. Everyone's all ready to fly down, which is a super long flight. And our co-captain, something happened, and they broke their arm. Whoa. And they could clearly no longer fly the plane and they couldn't get someone to do it so they had to send everybody to a hotel come back i lost an entire day of an international trip how mad were you it was it felt really bad i mean it's like i feel bad for this guy who broke his arm, but you're like, we've planned this for a year.

It's really expensive, and you've just lost an entire day because of something you have no control over. It really sucks. It's not good. Packing, flight delays. Mike, you have two picks. All right. This one is near and dear to my heart as of right now because I just got back from a weekend trip with some of my buddies, and it is Bad Uber Drivers. Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness. That's a new contender over the last 15 years, but it is a strong one. We had one particular ride where it was. Fear free life. There were at least three moments of sheer terror. Including one on a freeway where the driver didn't listen to the thing that said, get into the right lane. We stayed in the left lane.

And then as the exit was approaching, you heard the Uber driver cursing. Start slowing down on the freeway. Always a good idea. Multi-lane change, get close to it. We're now going maybe 30 miles an hour on the freeway, and we still miss it. You still miss it? We still miss it, so now we've had 10 minutes on because we have to go into the city, loop, and come back.

Then on the way out, there's a whole bunch of stop signs in a row. One of those stop signs was just simply not viewed as necessary. Oh, no. So there was like a little break check in the middle of the intersection. We had to make up time, Mike. Well, no. I'm saying they kind of paused because they realized they had ran the stop sign. And there was one

other one I cannot remember. And it was just like, what is happening? I guess this is just a 10-mile drive up the road and there's three times that we could have gotten in a really bad wreck. My wife and I, when we were traveling, had a 45-minute

Uber driver with BL that they'll write stories about. Like Seinfeldian? I mean, it was like, and it was this choice of like, it was so humid and hot out that if you roll the window down, you get humid and hot. Right. But if you leave it up, you get air-conditioned BO. Wow. It was a tough call.

What'd you choose? That's a good would you rather rather we chose to be humid and hot oh yeah and it smelled really i've also been an uber driver like vehicles where they're like uh it's like boiling hot and then you're like can you turn the air on oh yeah was it with you mike and mike was in this and i'm like i'm like yeah it was it was hot i've heard this story and I remember the time it was extremely hot. Can you turn the air on? And I believe he said, no, I'm saving money. It's just not, not okay. And it was the insanity of, okay.

So the gas money you just saved, you lost more than that in your tip. Yeah. Because your tip is going to your tip is zero now if you tell the the passenger i'm sorry i cannot turn on my air conditioner bro your tip is not gonna be good yeah so all right bad uber drivers my first pick you've got another pick so uh i will go with one that look look, it's part of it. It really is annoying, though, but I'll go with jet lag. If you have ever done a, well, I mean, an international.

He's an international man. No, no, it's not just international, but I'll say if you've ever done a coast-to-coast in the United States of, like like you're going, you know, from the east coast to the west coast. So you gain all that time except your body is like it's 9 p.m. and the sun, but the sun is still shining bright. You haven't had dinner yet, and yet you are exhausted and you're fighting this urge to go to sleep. It's just an annoying part of travel that you everyone experiences it

right you have to fight through and just power on but it would be great if there was a way to never never have jet lag and just get that it's like because you lose time you do you lose time of your vacation feels like it's multiple days to fix it can't be also um all right you went with jet lag back to me my last pick was the flight delays. And I'm going to combo this. This is not, I don't think it's, it's certainly not everybody. But it might be most people to some small degree, some people to an extreme degree. And unfortunately, if you have it, if you deal with it, you got to deal with it.

And that would be fear of flying. Yep. Trip anxiety is on my list. You just, some people, you're willing to fly, but you don't like to fly. And so you've got to jump through all the hoops just to make it slightly tolerable to take off. And all the anxiety that can come with, golly, I just saw some bad turbulence on a on a instagram reel the other day oh yeah and everyone in the plane thought they were dying for about 10 seconds airline yeah yep i just saw it yeah and it didn't look like a good time no it was it was a it looked like a pretty good drop

and everyone full screams and then you can hear a couple people go it's okay we're okay it's okay it's okay oh man i gotta i gotta go watch this video. But yeah, the trip, the flying, fear of flying. It's not just fear of flying. For my brothers and sisters out there with the anxiety, I get overall trip anxiety, and I don't even know what's happening. I'll just have two days before the trip, and I'm just like inside. My brain's all messed up. All the anticipation. And I'm like, what? I my brain's all messed up. All the anticipation.

And I'm like, what? I don't even know what's going on. I'm not thinking about the trip, but my body is. And my body is telling me it's time to panic. It's so obnoxious. All right. Well, Jason, back to you. Two picks for Mr. Moore.

He's already, he just finished packing. You're probably happy. I am not yet done, but I'm in process. Okay. Okay, so I've got two picks here, and they're both kind of related. I think this goes back to needing to go to prison for a vacation. All right. Just escape some parts of vacation.

So I'm going to start with this one. Kids complaining. Ah, yes. I mean... Ah, yes. Dude, when you're at Disneyland, you're there. They got a churro in their hand.

You're at Disneyland. As we wait in line for a super fun ride and they're complaining. When's it going to get to the front line? We play a game on your phone. Yeah. It's like, ah. And I get it.

I do get it. I do understand it. I remember doing it. Absolutely. I mean, it's human nature. But it just is one of those things that's like, do you know what I spent on this trip? Yeah. Never enough.

Never. Yeah, this kid? Never enough. Never. Kids complaining is the worst. That's a good pet peeve on a vacation that you spend a lot on. It's not fun enough for you. Try this. But let's say they're not there. Let's say they're at home. You know what else is a big pet peeve?

What's that? Souvenir shopping. i hate it i hate the obligation i hate the finding it i can never find something good enough yeah and i'm not like in a city like i think i think sometimes my family thinks when i go to a city i'm at the mall you know i'm just like i'm just having a good time. I'm just here to shop. No, I'm nowhere where I can get you something good. You want to know where I'm going to get your gift from? The airport.

Yeah. You want to know what my options are? It's very limited. Snowglobe, Snowglobe, Snowglobe. Snowglobe was great. The Snowglobe is the biggest pro tip out there. If you have a kid who's kind of into the collecting or sentimental about anything that's the i do it the two of you have to get because the first thing that you're asked when

you get home is what'd you get me like oh okay well i'll i've i've gotten over that i don't like to hear that i just accept it uh but that's no like if you have a kid who collects just anytime you go somewhere new you just get him a snow globe globe. And it's easy because all the airports got them. I did the same thing with my daughter. And so, like, she's easy. And now one of these other two fart faces is like, I don't know. I mean, I just get candy. Because if I just bring home candy, they're fine.

I had to resort to candy, too. Like, was this made here? Yeah. Perfect. Right. It's got to be. It can't be Starburst. It can't be a Kit Kat.

But it's got to be like, you know, if I'm in San Francisco, it's got to be Saltwater Taffy or something, you know. Mm-hmm. All right. That's a good one. I didn't have that on the list, but it's a great one. The souvenir anxiety, it's a real thing, too, because maybe you find two kids worth of good gifts.

Oh, yeah. And you can't find the third one, and then you're like, they're gonna do i downgrade the other two kids gifts oh and also yeah when you buy three small absolutely unimportant throw away garbage gifts for these humans when they receive them that will be 250 because because airport shopping is absurd. Like, how much is this little stuffed animal? $55. Yeah, fair. And you look and they go, where else are you going to go?

Yeah. That's what they just say. That's the name of the shop. Yeah. Where else are you going to go? You don't need to buy that. Go ahead. Where all you have.

Go home without it. I dare you. Where all you have up sale. You're like, you know that shop? We're all owned by the same people right we have the same stuff and it costs the same oh they're making so much money um all right i have flight delays and fear of flying one more pick here i'm gonna take this one i think it could last till the fourth round but um it's it's the most as you get older traveling

pet peeve you could ever have. Oh, I know. Different beds and pillows, my friends. Oh, okay. Nothing like a good chiropractic emergency for my vacation. The bed, let's just put it this way. More often than not, if you have a vacation in which you do get a good bed, it's an actual story. You're like, you know what?

The bed was actually pretty good. That is super true like if you find yourself with a great pillow selection i tell people about it yeah like yeah i was oh man these pillows it was great yeah i slept i actually slept because i've been on the other side of it where you go and you're like oh you get the paper thin pillow what are we doing with those there's nothing in there it's just a sheet or you get the paper thin pillow. What are we doing with those? There's nothing in there. It's just a sheet. Or you get the pillows that are like really big and thick. You put your head on it. Cumulonimbus.

Yes, you put your head on it and it disappears. My head is flat on the bed. The edges are like folding up to suffocate you. Your head is flat on the bed because it goes straight through the pillow. But the pillow looks big. What are they doing? Filling it with air with holes all around? So unfortunately, that's a true one.

I wish you could bring your own bed. Yeah, and pillows. Yeah. All right. We are back to Mike, your final two picks. So, man, this is a tough one to narrow it down, but I will go, again,ency bias it just it is the airplane seat shakers uh so oh man that's a narrow one i will i mean it's like this can be everything of

like you have a kid who's behind you they're always kicking your chair and for whatever reason their caretaker is not stopping them from kicking your chair but like when the people behind you have to get out of their row and some i don't know what's happening here i don't know what obstacle course they are dealing with but these people grab my chair because i'm usually and then it's like a full 9.0 earthquake is happening as i'm just getting rattled around because they can't figure out how to get out of an aisle. I've never thought of the aisle being the earthquake zone. I have watched people use the chair in front of them. Oh, I do it.

I'm guilty. Are you kidding me? I'm going to fall if I don't. Hands off the chairs in front of you. Now that I know. There are places to push yourself up from your seat. No, I can get up from my seat. I have to walk across two people.

But I'm just talking about, let's say you're sitting on the aisle, and you're just going to stand up. Oh, no, you better not use that chair. I watch people who grab two hands on the chair in front of them, and they just lift themselves up like it's an arm workout. And they're just, I can't imagine being that person in front. It's like, whoa, what happened? I can't, because that's me in that's me I am I am a window guy

so I've never experienced this so you get you get shook all around all the time all the time I was gonna ask you the question and I'll go to both of you real quick how many kicks in the back of your seat until you're actually upset upset three say something 40 oh really yeah oh man oh i get it i get it i'm not gonna turn it because i know it's a kid say what about the glance what is your glance line uh so i'll do like i'll do a couple half glances oh yeah you know what i mean like like do they sit up turn my head where they can go oh you know i just want them to notice the movie theater man them to notice that i notice yes and then hopefully they go oh shoot I think he was responding to my kick. I don't want to look back.

I don't want to make eyes. But I want them to know, like, once you kicked my chair, the guy in front of me did a thing. You know? Yeah. You changed what he was doing. All right, Mike, one more pick for you. That's a funny one. All right.

And then the final one. This was the second thing I thought of so i'm going to keep with it it i think it might be niche for me uh this is like if you don't have an uber driver right you rent a car but you know that at the end of the process you have to fill up the gas tank but timing up when you actually fill the gas tank so you're not going to drop it off and they're going to they're going to mark me down. I don't know how full a gas tank has to be before I'm going to get some kind of penalty. So it's the drive back.

You're like, is that the gas station? No, we're too far. But then you start getting too close. You're like, I need a gas station desperately. So this is a ridiculous amount of anxiety. Really funny because I now know you've gone through this. Oh, yes. Many times.

The last time I rented a car, they had a big sign up for the first time. I'd never seen it. And it said, if you pay for a full tank right now, we'll charge you this much per gallon. That's awesome. What? And I paid it then. Yeah. So I could bring it back at any level.

Freedom. Now, there's a little anxiety there, too, because I was trying to bring it back as low as possible. Because I didn't want to pay. You will never get this to a gas station. I paid for a full tank. And I was like, you know. Oh, so you don't know. You know how much it's going to cost.

Yeah, because if you bring it back without prepaying, they'll charge you that at like a huge fee. Yes, they're like $8 a gallon or whatever. So they introduced a middle option, which is basically like, we'll charge you that like a huge yes they're like eight dollars a gallon or whatever it's the middle option which is basically like we'll charge you basically what the going rate is but you have to buy a full tank right now and so i did it which was great i would do it every time yeah but then i did i almost needed gas and i was like no no way and if i do i'm only putting a gallon in so exactly what i need need. But it's the worst balancing act. And I know it probably doesn't matter. They just want it mostly full.

But I still feel like if I drive the car and the needle is on like the second notch, like, oh, I'm getting a huge bill. That's hilarious that that was in your head. All right. My final pick, I have flight delays, fear of flying, and not being in your own bed and pillows. I'm going to go with a little bit of a different answer here, but I think it works.

What is one of the pet peeves? Being disappointed. Oh, yeah. What if what you thought you were going to do didn't live up? Yeah. The money spent, the trip, the drive, the flight, whatever it is, being disappointed is a possibility. Sure.

The brochure looked better. Yeah, that's right. Or your team lost. You should have disappointment insurance that you could buy. Ooh. I just don't know how they'd vet that. They would go bankrupt immediately. How is everyone disappointed with everything?

So that's my final one. Jason, you have packing, kids complaining, souvenir shopping, and one final. I got a lot of ways I can go here. But I'm going to stick with... Packing again. Kind of. Honestly, kind of. Unpacking.

That is another one. But I want to stick with not just things I don't like on a vacation, but pet peeves. Things that I think are insanely stupid. Just drive me crazy. Absolute nonsense. It's the 50-pound suitcase shuffle. Yeah. Okay.

The 50-pound suitcase shuffle that you have to do when you check your bags. Your packing would be a lot easier. Every bag has 50 pounds. You go 51 pounds, that's like $100,000. Yes. But here's the thing. We're going to garnish your wages, sir, for this mistake. You're going to lean on your house.

I'm checking in this bag over here, too. That bag's at 35 pounds. Yes, yes. That bag's at 35 pounds. They're going to make me take it out of this suitcase. Both going in the same plane. And move it to that suitcase, or they'll charge me crazy rates. They're going to slow me down.

They're going to slow the line down behind me. And I get it. You've got to weigh the luggage because you're for a family absolutely it should be how many bags are you checking you have 250 pounds because that's all that matters they gotta protect the workers though you can't have a 100 pound bag that someone's just is that what it's for i would think so okay okay because you can't make them carry it's like imagine being someone who's throwing the bags in all of a sudden you get to a hundred pound bag bag. You don't realize.

Oh, my back. No, that's fine. That's fine. But what needs to happen, there's got to be some grace. There's no grace. You go there at 51 pounds, they'll stare at you like you are a monster. Get out of my airport, sir. There is just so, so much anxiety when i'm sitting there going up and i'm

putting it you know i i weigh them at home i was gonna say we do the way oh i weigh it at home and it's i mean that has been a real lifesaver doesn't stop the anxiety because i'm pushing the limit you are pushing i'm at 49.9 brother if they give you grace you're gonna push they give you grace, you're going to push that limit. I'm at 49.9. I go there. I'm like, please, please. That's a good one. That's a great one. Some other ones I almost mentioned. This one was probably more true before our phones were in our pockets. But you talk about anxiety on a trip.

Being lost. It's a new place. And getting lost in a new place was on my list. I had visions that we actually have to pay for baggage now. Yeah. Kids these days, it wasn't always that way, and then when some of them

started sneaking it in, you're like, well, I'm not going to use that airline, and you thought it would go away, but it did not. And I'm surprised that this one didn't get drafted by you two, is bad toilet paper.

Oh, yeah. Well well that's because we bring we do pack yeah you have you have since fixed the issue we have so one of the ones on my list is bad water pressure oh nice yeah and i've thought about like should i bring a shower head just i know this one's not limiting me like, I can't stand vacation shower pressure. The whole world. I mean, I get it, but I don't like it. No, that makes sense. I get it. I just don't care.

Yes. Yes. You see me. Weather roulette was on the list. Yeah. Because you don't know. Yep. Bad weather.

Obligatory post-travel illness. Yeah. Yeah. You get sick on the airplane. That's fears of forgetting something. Lost luggage. Yeah. Just like it get sick on the airplane. Fears of forgetting something. Lost luggage. Yeah, it's usually medicine for us. Did you bring it? Did you bring it?

Yeah, I know I brought it. I know it's in there. Is it in there? I've had to call the doctor to prescribe something for a different state before two times and then go find the Walgreens in another place. Alright, that is it. Al, did we forget anything?

Any pet peeves that you have on the top of your mind? Crowds, like Disney or the beach, any crowded places. Yeah, that's again, prison. That's where we want to be. What did we learn today? I learned that prison can be a vacation. If it's a short enough stint. Mine was easy.

I learned that otters are way bigger than I thought they were. I was going to say I learned that otters can bite through things I didn't think they could bite through. What was it? Otter 34 841. 246 Keep on rocking. Keep on rocking otter 841. That is it for today's show.

Thank you for listening. Tell your friends. We'd appreciate it. And we'll be back later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense

the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.