Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 25: Selfless Socks and the Best Potato Chips - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Saving the earth can come in many forms. Clearly the Spitballers podcast's main mission to to rescue the world, but the ways in which the planet will be saved by these three buffoons might surprise you. At least you'll learn the most selfish ways to help others and find some laughs along the way. We also have a true battle over the best Potato Chips including debate on what really defines a potato chip. See? Serious stuff!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. welcome in to another spitballers podcast yeah we're back again andy mike and jason spitballers podcast we have life advice on the show today we have great questions we're going to answer with our mouths oh man uh that's where you talk mike we're gonna answer them

i was trying to think of another way to answer and that reminded me of that uh i think it's a geico commercial okay where the grandfather is asleep on the other side of the room and his nose is whistling but it's whistling a tune. Yeah, it's Flight of the Bumblebees. Then they change it, and the family starts jamming out to his nose whistles. Yeah, it's pretty good. That's my goal. When I become old, man, I'm going to do every old thing the best.

I'm going to do the recliner game. Oh, I'm going to have so many recliners. See, he doesn't realize he is already doing the old man's practice no way man i don't have i don't have a recliner that does the elevating back that stands me up i don't have the bathtub that has a seat in it that that i can open the door got a door yeah i want that i've got a long way to go jason i don't have a monthly subscription to where there's originals yet the the door. Yet. The door tub. That's correct. The door tub is. That's legit. It's a thing of beauty.

Yeah. And my, I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but I have a very strong memory of being at my grandfather's house and I need to call a friend. I think it's like I'm canceling a plan or whatever. Whatever. I'm calling a friend. And I'm probably seven years old. Okay.

I pick up the phone, and the person on the other line, once they answer, they are just shouting into my ear. Apparently, because this is an old school phone. He cranked the volume? This is an old school phone that is set up for an elder statesman, so the volume is absolutely out of control but i didn't know i did not know and now i've lost 50 of my hearing believe it or not and you have to believe it i worked for a company that sold tty telephones do you know what those are

yeah those are for hard of hearing impaired for hearing impaired and those are very hard of hearing yeah so their whole the whole purpose of those phones is to have volumes and speaker levels that are just incredible. And what happened is all of those customers were very, very, very old. And they all came in to buy their phones at the retail location, but they couldn't hear. So all day long, really, really old, really, really loud, really, really old people came in to scream at me every day. Is that where little John was inspired? Oh, yeah.

He worked for a TTY place. Is it TTYL, like talk to you later? No, no, no. Just TTY. Just talk to you. Talk to you, yell. Talk to yell. I will say this.

Nice old people, the best on earth. Mean old people the best on earth mean old people oh they be rough rough rough yeah you was well this is the this is the thing about life during your course of living you take a choice on what path you go black or white you're you're either you're you know at the further down the path you get the further away from that center you you either are getting nicer and nicer and nicer or you're getting ornerier that's the word for the old people yeah ornery yeah it's hard to pronounce now easy to execute later yes they picked a word because it sounds it's like you're excusing the old, the angry old grandfather. Your guy's just ornery. Instead of saying, he's angry.

That guy can't be a jerk. He's just too old to call him a jerk. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. When you're right, you're right. And he's so ornery. So, like, right now, you're baking the cake of your life,

and then you've got to eat it when you're old. And it's either well-made or it tastes bad. I'm making a nice fat cake, so it's going to taste real good. I can't even imagine how big that cake's going to be if I just keep getting bigger. Hey, should we let the spit wads? Wait, hold on, hold on. Before you word vomit something out, you make a proclamation that Andy and I have to pick up the pieces.

I want you to think through your statement. Okay. Should you be saying this while we are recording? No. But you're going to do it anyway. Yes, that's right. Should we? This is just a question.

I'm not saying I'm going to talk about it. When you say, should we say blah, blah, blah, you have said it. With all due respect, should we let the spit wads know that we've been contemplating video? I'm not saying we tell them. I'm not saying we let the cat out of the bag. I'm just saying. This is what we've been talking about. Should we be contemplating letting the cat out of the bag. I'm just saying, I'm asking, should we? Should we be contemplating letting the cat out of the bag?

Bringing the whole podcast to YouTube in its glorious fashion. Yeah, we could. Should we hold on to that for a while? Let's talk about talking about that. Okay. All right. But don't bring it up now. Yeah, no.

We're not going to hear any feedback on social media about that. Hey, guess what? My wife was really, really happy with me. Oh, fantastic. For the YouTube? No, because I gave her the... There was a pumpkin pie shout-out on last show. Oh, that's true.

For her epic pumpkin pie. We did the Thanksgiving sides on the most recent episode. Yeah, very good. She was very proud. She gets proud when she is mentioned on this show. I've just put it... Good or bad? No.

Okay. No. I was going to say. Just good. To be fair, that was two episodes ago, because last week was the draft of the TV dads, and I am crushing it. Oh, is that posted? Crushing it.

I mean, yes, you are in the lead, but I'm at your heels. We are crushing Andy. Okay, we can both agree. Mine was terrible. My dads were terrible. They really were? First of all, two of my dads would have killed the other two dads within five minutes. Very easily.

And then I would have just had two evil dads. No, I don't blame the voters for that. Oh, Jason, you are actually coming back. Find us on Twitter. All the polls for our draft voting are on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can find the website, SpitballersPod.com. And we always appreciate your Apple Podcast subscriptions, your reviews. Tell your friends about this show.

And then they'll listen. And then you guys will debate the things we're debating. And you will have a happier life. It is a lot of fun to discuss these drafts with friends. And I say that because I discuss these drafts with other people. And you know what else is great? Questions. Great questions.

That's a great question. You know, I know it says life favors the prepared, right? Isn't that a cliche? Never heard of it. Life favors the bold. That is what I have heard. What is a preparation-related cliche? That's the Boy Scouts. Always be prepared.

Well, I don't take the Boy Scout approach to these shows, and I'm always excited that I don't know what the questions are going to be. Jason is waving us off. I think it's because Jason burped or something like that. Yeah.

That was a smell wave, not a show signal? No, he's hiding it now. There's something he doesn't want brought up. I don't know what it is. Josh on Instagram. Is it us maybe doing YouTube of the show? Well, where can they find us on YouTube? They can't find us anywhere right now.

Actually, there is a YouTube channel. We do have the audio on YouTube. How about this? If this video shows up, it'll be there. If we get our subscriber count to 10,000. Well, that's fair. Will we get the subscriber count to 10,000? You can subscribe now to the audio only.

And then if we get up there. Get it up to 11,000 and then we'll do the video. Yeah. 12,000. That's a great question. Here we go. Josh from Instagram sent this question in to us. He said, you are able to pick one item that you use or wear every day to be made brand new every day?

Oh, yeah. What would you pick? So this is interesting. I've never thought about this. So you could have brand new underwear every day? Is that what it means? Yep. Shoes, hats. You've thought about this so you could have brand new underwear every day is that what it means yep yeah shoes hats you've thought about this oh i have thought about this because

there is a clear-cut answer without a shred of doubt really oh there's definitely a practical answer and then there is my answer yeah that sounds about right no i remember growing up as a kid thinking to my you know how you you dream about, like, I'm going to be so rich someday that I'll do these terribly wasteful things. Oh, yeah, the blank check mentality. Yes, exactly. And I remember, of course, I was going to give my used socks to the poor because I'm so generous. Oh, wow. socks to the floor because I'm so generous.

Oh, wow. But I remember thinking, there's nothing like a brand new pair of cushy socks. They're not worn out from walking. They're not stretched out from a wash. It's just a brand new pair of socks. And every single day, if I could wear brand new socks and then so graciously donate my used socks. That's what I would choose. So does this factor at all into the fact that you never, ever wear socks and shoes?

Oh, it's changed a lot. You only wear flip-flops. It's winter. Yes. You complain frequently about how cold it is in our office when it's not actually cold. It's cold because you are wearing flip-flops in the winter. I got my flippy-floppies on right this second that is true but here's it's really the complaining about the cold that bothers us the most well in in my defense it's very cold when you wear flip-flops my issue with socks my feet are freezing nowadays is real like the reason I said this was a dream as a kid is because reaching my feet put on socks now, it's much more difficult. How does that get fixed with new socks?

No, it doesn't, but still, new socks are awesome. Wait, you look forward to it a little more, so you're willing to bend over? That is correct. Wow. Do you want new socks, or do you just want the cloudy with a chance of meatballs spray on socks? No, no, no, no. I want fresh, brand new that's your pick cushy socks every single day brand new i wonder to see the gap between now i know your family

does this now maybe you don't anymore but previously when we go over to your house to eat you have a lot of plastic wear oh yeah right like paper plates plastic cups plastic paperware yeah yeah paperware. You hate the earth. Yes. No, no, no. He hates washing dishes, right? Isn't that the point?

I'm saving the water, Mike. I love the earth so much. I choose to save water while you wasteful people run the dishwasher. It's a really solid spin, though. I'm with it. Save the water. Use paper and plastic. That could be your mentality for the socks, though. I'm with it. Save the water. Use paper and plastic. That could be your mentality for the socks, too.

No laundry. You don't use water in the laundry. You throw the socks out. One of the things that we have learned is how giving and environmental. You're very thoughtful. I am, yes. I don't even know where I was going anymore we were bringing up all the plastic wear and yeah so you yeah i don't remember anymore uh now now i it was related to your socks and throwing them away same mentality it is so easy to finish

something and throw it away that is so much easier than taking care of it or cleaning it. I guess all I was thinking of is the gap between that, like the costs that are associated with buying plastic wear over and over again. You just have to close that gap with socks. Yes. Now, does it need to be an expensive pair of socks? Oh, for sure. Like, I'm not wearing...

Because you could probably get cheap socks. What's the point of getting cheap socks brand new? No, I want the, like, this pair of socks is $7.99. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't even come in a two pack. You can't buy this in a two pack because these are high end quality. What style of sock are we talking about? Low ankle no shows.

I want you to be aware of this. Let's say you want to fulfill this. For under $3,000 a year, this could be your life really yes and i could give you could give those so much you would be so generous now now let me ask and you wouldn't have to launder a thing let okay i know we're save the earth we're pivoting from the question just a little bit but now i have a legitimate we're spitballing mike we're yeah we're spitballing, Mike. Yeah, we're spitballing. My name's Jason. My name's Jason. You just called me Mike.

Oh, yeah. I was telling Mike that we're spitballing. Okay. Legitimate question. $2,916. Legitimate question. You were telling me that we were when Jason was the one who was talking. If I were to, let's just track with me here. If I were to say the homeless people, they do need socks. Honestly, socks are what they need.

$7.99 used socks. We packed a bunch of bags and socks were one of the things that we put in there and distributed. But if I were to say I'm going to go buy $3,000 worth of socks. Yes. And donate them. And donate them all. All of them. One day after you use them.

No, without wearing them. That would be a very good thing, right? Yes, it would be great. Does it turn into a bad thing if I choose to wear them all one time and wash them. Oh, you would wash them? Oh, yeah. I'm not just giving... I thought the whole point of this or part of it was you don't have sock laundry anymore. Oh, yeah. I guess I should save the earth.

Save the earth. So, yeah, okay. They're worn one time. They're lightly worn. Some of them had you know, it was a basketball day. Would that change it from a great thing into a bad thing? Yes. Really? Yeah. What do you think, Mike? I see your eyes. It thing into a bad thing? Yes. Really? Yeah.

What do you think, Mike? I see your eyes. Not a bad thing. Just a less good thing. It ranges it from a great thing into just a good. So if I can do a good thing and get a fresh pair of socks every day. You are making a lot of sense over here. What if we start a new social campaign to do this?

Worldwide. Get a sock. Give your one-day-old socks. I'll bet we can get hands to sponsor us. Go fund me for Jason's socks because I give them after I wear them. All right. I would pick that every time I go into my garage, there's a fresh brand new car. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. No. You have to wear it. Yeah. You don't wear your car. It says, pick one item that you use or wear every day that may be brand new. So I'm thinking I get the new car smell, and I go, and I have a brand new car every day.

No car maintenance. Dude, I made a mistake. But you went with the socks. I didn't realize it could just be something I use every day because I've really gone, my $7.99 pair of socks kind of stinks. You look real thrifty now. Now, Mike, what are

you doing? See, I thought it was just a wear. Something you wear? You want a new toothbrush every morning? Nah. Nah, I want a new pair of sneakers every day. I knew you were going. Yeah, that makes sense. You're a sneaker head. I love sneakers. The more flamboyant, the better.

And if I had a new pair every day, I mean, you realize that- You're going to pull that off, though. You're almost there. Like about halfway there? You're rocking some outrageous shoes lately. But you've seen these ones more than once, and that's really embarrassing for me. Yeah, you should be ashamed. It's like-

You got to give to the homeless man just imagine how kind you could be if you're giving new kicks every day i like where your head's at yeah uh i'm gonna tell the wife about this i'm gonna start buying two meals every time i go out to dinner eating half of each one and giving the other half away then why wouldn't you just eat one because i want more variety yeah and then I'm twice as generous. I actually totally was like, that's a great idea because now I get variety. You are able to choose anyone. There's another question here. You're able to choose anyone in the world to ask one question to,

and they must answer it completely honestly, leaving out no detail. Who do you ask and what? Wow. That is intense. That's kind of a big question. That's not just an off the top of my head question. That would be such a waste. Is this a Roswell question?

Maybe. That's a good one. Go X-Files on this thing. Figure out what the government knows. Who do you ask? That is part of the problem. The Donald. Because not everyone knows.

Look at Independence Day. Yeah. The president didn't know. That was a documentary. problem the donald because like not everyone knows who's like look at independence day yeah the president didn't know documentary and it yeah that actually happened also won best picture of the year that it's a Harry Connick jr best supporting actor the present way Harry's in that movie yep no yeah no no go right now. Come on. What? Who does he? Harry Connick Jr. is in that movie? He plays the wingman. He was the alien.

He plays one of the wingmen. Oh, you think I see it in my head? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Harry Connick Jr. I still don't believe it. Will Smith's wingman in that movie.

Wow. There it is. 1996. Playing his jazz piano. You're darn right. He was also the star of hope floats now move on i knew that one okay all right i've got my answer okay who do you know this is alive or dead right sure okay i i guess uh i thought it was alive i'm gonna go alive or dead okay i would go l Lyndon Johnson.

Oh, LBG. I know where this is going. Yes. Lyndon Johnson, the president who took over after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, who I, I mean, when I was a teenager and I was so into the JFK conspiracy. So was I. I watched that super long movie, JFK. Which the short title. Not the documentary. What, the Costner one? movie, JFK. Which the- Short title long-

Not the documentary. What, the Costner one? No, it was the- I think it was a documentary. Oh, okay. And I was so convinced. I was like, dude, if you don't think it was that guy- LBJ?

LBJ. It was the original Making a Murderer. He was the vice president, right? Yes. Wait, they believe that LBJ did it? Yeah. There's theories- Not the shooter, but he orchestrated it. So I would ask him i would say hey did you do no i would just say who no i guess

i do have to ask yeah because he because it's lee harvey oswald yeah well maybe i know maybe how many shooters were there would you ask lee harvey oswald what he did no i would ask linden johnson who did you did you have a part in the assassination of John F. Kennedy? Really? I think that would be fascinating. It would. And then I would record it and then I would make millions.

And I would use that money to get new socks. I don't have anything popping into my head other than the joke about aliens and discovering the secrets of the government. That's a good one. I mean, that has to be top of the top of the noggin. You know, I think there's sports related things.

Yeah, I really lean heavy towards the just trying to find out, just dig up some of these conspiracies. So I go to a high ranking what like like nixon and yeah a high rate well we found out what nixon did but just a high ranking official maybe at an fbi agent and saying you know what are the top true conspiracies oh that's that's good because now you're going to get a pack of them. I get a lot of answers. And now you have made small amounts of sock money and I have made sneaker money from my information. Hey, Neil, did you really land on the moon? Oh, there you go. No, my FBI guy would tell me already. Yeah, you'd know all this.

All right. And then you'd have to ask me a question, but you'd wasted your question on LBJ. And I couldn't even pay you because I've wasted that money on socks. Darn it. All right. Next question. You are given the ability to domesticate any animal in the world to be your pet. What would it be? Elephant.

You've claimed it. Now you cannot change. Dude, a freaking pet elephant? Where in the world are you going to put your pet, Mike? That's a lot of nuts. You're going to have them live in your backyard? That's a lot of nuts. Where am I going to put it?

Yeah. Underneath me as I ride an elephant through my neighborhood. Oh, there is the riding effect. Oh, that's awesome. I love, I love. I'm going blue whale. I genuinely love. I'm riding that blue whale.

The riding an elephant. But now you get home from your cool ride, and he doesn't fit in the garage, doesn't fit through the RV door. It fits through the RV door? Really? Yes. All right. I didn't realize you were going with a baby tiny elephant. No.

A large elephant would fit through an RV gate. All right. It probably would. You're all right about that. It's going in my backyard. Let me ask a quick question before I choose. Can you ride a cheetah? Sure you can.

Harold and Kumar did. If it's domesticated and it's your pet. Are they big enough, I mean? I don't know that it's. It's not a horse, obviously. Yeah. I wonder if it's spine actually strong enough. I think I'd have to ride.

I could ride a lion. Oh, yeah. You can't take. I think I could ride a lion. No. Oh, yeah. You can't take my animal. I'm taking a lion. Oh, come on, man. You should lose, man. Because that's the best.

You can have an octopus. If you had a pet lion, that can be indoor, outdoor. Sure. You can bring him with you anywhere. Yeah. He'll defend you. You can ride him. Like nobody's business.

Oh, you go to. Or do you want tiger? You want tiger i'll go lion no i want no i'd want the man i've looked i've got king of the jungle i got mufasa so you're telling me you can have octopus that you feel like in your house a full-grown lion domesticated could function a domesticate yeah i mean that's the point of this i mean i build the house around it. You've trained him? Yes, he's trained. If I could look at a lion and say. But he's still giant. If I could look at a lion and say, sit, and he does it, how cool am I? How powerful?

Oh, I know. I understand that. Same thing with my elephant as I squashed your lion. Your elephant, though, as nice as it is, could accidentally kill you a lot of times. He could accidentally step on you. He could accidentally fall over on you. What if he wants to sit down? Elephants are known for

their clumsiness. They sit. They sit occasionally. Never. Never? They're not known for their clumsiness? Alright, so if I can't pick a lion. Or elephant. Or elephant I can't pick a lion. Or elephant. Or elephant.

You can go with either. There's only two left. Also, I have Dumbo, so he can fly. Octopus, and then that might be it. Seahorse. It's available. The right answer, which I won't take, is dog. Because then I have the best pass. The dog's already domesticated.

And we did it right.icated. And we're awesome. We did it right. Okay. Because we're like, oh, you know what would be great? That dog is awesome. You know what you could do? You only say that because they're domesticated already. No, just.

If they weren't domesticated, you wouldn't be like, man, that's the only animal I want domesticated. A wolf. No, wolves are just big dogs. They're better. Well, that's where I go to lion. That's where I would go all the way up to lion. I'm going to take.

Wiener dog, wolf, lion. Those are all in the same category. It's evolution. What about a gorilla? Oh, now we're talking. You could go gorilla. I think in honor of Jay Grizz, the one that sits in on the studio, in honor of the animal draft where I was a heavy bear,

I'm going with the grizzly. Wow, that's not bad. You could ride a grizzly. Oh, absolutely. For sure. Backpack style. I could go. What do you do during the months when it sleeps?

Dude, I can go shoulder style like a kid. That'd be awesome. Would you hibernate with the bear? I hibernate every winter. I mean, it does seem like the right animal. You would gorge yourself during the holiday months with the bear. Me and him love honey. We get into some honey fights and we make a mess of the living room.

And then you sleep for four months. We sleep for four months and hope when we wake up that it's all cleaned up. You are a bear. Yeah. You're a domesticated bear. Hey, boo-boo. All right. Time for some life advice.

Spitballers to the rescue. Like I said, I like not knowing what these questions are before we start talking. I just, this question came in from surprisingly anonymous. This one was not named. I'm so surprised. I just farted and the room was empty. But now a girl that I like has walked in here and I know that she can smell it. What do I do now?

Oh, that's not good. And this comes down to the basic premise of do you make it worse by apologizing? Or do you hold out hope that she believes somebody else both came in, farted, and left the room and it wasn't you? Of course you make it worse by apologizing. Let's start there. Because apologizing admits wrongdoing but does it make it worse if you say man somebody somebody came in here and let one go and then they left i think i've i think i got it you do the you do a smell fee right you go which for

those who don't know what i'm talking about is you smell your own armpits as if you're like, man, it kind of stinks in here. I hope that it's not me because then you are simultaneously acknowledging there's a smell in the room. You are thinking you are acknowledging, oh, perhaps that was me. Okay. But you are not taking any ownership of said farce. Is that ownership or is that odorship? No.

And then you look. I love what you're saying. And then you go from the armpit with cringed face and you look right at the girl like, is this you? See, I wasn't going there. Oh, absolutely. I don't know if that's how you really, because you like this girl. Yeah, but when you like someone, you try to push them away, right?

I mean, think about the playground right who's the meanest to you the one with the crush on you oh isn't that true we need to we gotta change that though yeah well but you don't leave it there you don't hate that person and call him a stinky butt face forever you just you just for a few minutes. You just accuse him of farting. Wait, let me just get this right. In Jason's scenario, the woman he's got a crush on walks in the room.

He's checking. He's smelling his own pits to start as an opener. And then he follows it up with, you're a smelly butt face. No, I mean, not... Just with my face. Just with the face.

I look and I go, my face says. Who is that? Are you a smelly butt face? That's what my face says. And then, of course, she's going to go. How do you transition that into a date? Well, very easily. Smoothly.

Smoothly. She's going to say, oh, it wasn't me. And then you'd say. Let's go somewhere. That's smelly. let's leave this room together let's go on a date let's go on a date are you interested in a date it's been a while since jason it's been a long i've married 13 years my dating game is subpar starting with the solo room farts it smells in here here. You want to go out?

Yeah, because, look, nowadays that's me if I'm sitting the wife walks in. Yep. Yeah, you betcha. You bet your bottom dollar. And then gun fingers. Yep. Did you smell that? So romantic.

Actually, no. I don't know if I've brought it up on this particular podcast.. Actually, no. I don't know if I've brought it up on this particular podcast. Pro tip, fellas. If you sneak one out and it just is bad, you go, you smell popcorn? Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Every time that is a home run.

It's always funny. Now, this can't be with the about to want to date person this is with the I've been with you for a decade person you can't leave me you're locked in for this oh do you smell popcorn because then they take that big ol whiff

every time after the do you smell popcorn it's I get hit on the chest I get a slap across the chest about three seconds later. Do you rotate the food you're smelling, or does it work with popcorn every single time? Every time, and it makes it better. Because popcorn smells so good. You want to breathe it in.

Gross. Everyone loves the smell of popcorn. Oh, that's my go-to line in the car now. After the window locks. And then the... Did you smell popcorn? And then I get hit. Worth it.

Matt on Instagram, when you get on an escalator, are you supposed to walk up it or just stand there and let it carry you up? This is a great question. I'm going to extend this question to the moving walkways. Because you go to an airport and there are moving walkways. And sometimes I've gotten on those and feel like I'm a little too lazy, not walking, but a little too in a hurry. If I do walk, I'm in a middle zone where I don't know what to do. Now, on an escalator, I've never even considered this being a question. I've always thought you stand and you wait.

You stand and wait. You never walk. Yeah, but then what happens is the busy bee behind you needs to go somewhere. And so they start walking up, and they get to your step where you're standing. Because escalators are not big enough to have multiple lanes of traffic. They are, like a passing lane. You can go over to the right, but are you saying- I thought that was dangerous to move on an escalator.

No, not at all. They don't want you to do that. We live dangerous. As long as you hold the handrail, you're perfectly safe. So you think you can run up an escalator? Of course. I mean, I know you physically can, but I mean- Did you never run up the down when you were a kid?

You had to try it. No, I never did. Never? Oh, man. It was off limits. You go up the up, down the down, my friends. Rules are rules. Phoenix, our airport, Sky Harbor,

has this incredibly long escalator. Oh, man, that was the king. Of course I made it. But isn't it busy there? Doesn't matter. You don't go up the down with people on it. No, this was no. This was like late night.

It's empty. It's the holy grail of escalator up, down, running. Have you ever tried to go down the up? That one's a little dangerous. But have I tried and succeeded? Yes. Impressive. Thank you.

Look, here's what you do, Matt. When you're on the escalator, you stand, but you don't stand to the side. Oh, wide stance? You stand right in the middle and you look straight ahead. If you look left or right, you're going to see the people behind you that are wanting to pass, but you don't want to have to knock into them, have them knock into you, move your bags. You've been shopping at the mall. The escalator is going to be done in like 10 seconds.

Just hold on, buddy. You are just full established, established dominance of the escalator. Don't look back because, you know, if you make the eye contact, you're going to have to get out the way. It's true. All right. Jacob on Twitter. Growing up, I was told that I have to take at least a little bite of

every dish on the table during the meal out of habit i still do now my in-laws think i love a certain dish they think i love a certain dish and make it specifically for me when i come over but i actually despise it what do i do so he's been polite he's taken a bite of everything which by the way if you are at if you're a guest at a new table i think it's pretty that's pretty much the way to go i mean you you don't want to like basically insult anything somebody worked hard to make at a single one-off dinner so most of the time i'm like i'll have a little bit of this and a little bit of that right but i got i've been in this boat before. I've had a very similar situation.

The first time I met my wife's parents, they made me a few things that I don't really like. But I ate them with a smile on my face because it was the first time I met them. And then that became what Andy loves. So did you ever tell them? Did you ever? Oh, yeah. Okay, so it just took over under three years before you told them. Next time that a big meal was coming up.

Oh, so you just right off the bat. Well, no, I didn't tell them. I mentioned to my wife and my wife. My wife mentioned it to them and said, hey, you know, Andy doesn't really dig the Brussels sprouts the way that he seemed to. So you got to send a message through the grapevine situation. I mean, what's the big deal is my real question. What does it matter?

Oh, I guess now if they make it, he has to eat it again. Yeah. And it seems like specialty. He's already made the mistake of this is several times in. This is not the first time you said something through the grapevine. This is now like 10 times. So now if you say it through the grapevine, they're going to go, why didn't he tell us earlier? Now it's worse.

Why did you keep eating this? It's a simple solution. The dog. Oh, you're going to hide it and feed the dog? Oh, that dog's going to have a wonderfully. That's the seinfeld episode really yeah he had this mutton he didn't want nothing he didn't want to eat it so he kept pretending to take bites putting it in his napkins filling his pocket with napkins full of this

mutton but what i would do it's simple it's 2018 baby you got a food allergy yeah you got a food allergy. Yeah. You got a new food allergy. Boy, I wanted to have that, but I am allergic to the glucosamophori. I must have found out two hours ago. I was going to say, you just found that out, too. Blood test came back positive. I did that 23 and me. What a shame. I love this, but now I can't even eat it anymore. Oh, man. And now it just repulses me. I guess just don but now I can't even eat it anymore. Oh, man.

And now it just repulses me. I guess just don't make it next time. Yeah. Now it's like, you know, they say I should have pumpkin pie instead. So if next time you could just make some pumpkin pie. You better know what you're talking about with that allergy. Because if you're committing to that lie, you're gonna

fall into a trap when you love something else that has that ingredient. And they're gonna be watching for it. It's risky business. Just tell the wife to pass it down. Lies usually don't work. Divorce is the other option here. Right. New in-laws.

You don't have in-laws if you're not married. Let's get on a plane. Get a little extreme. Don't come back. Go up the down elevator, get on a plane. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Now, I need some clarity on this one now today we are drafting what i see it says potato chips now are we give me an example are we doing potato chip flavors or do i let's say i have the first pick right right let's say i always just say i can't just say like ruffles well if you said if you said ruffles you are claiming ruffles original flavor right somebody else can then follow that up with Ruffles barbecue. I believe so.

Is there such a thing? Of course there is. I would assume so. All right. I didn't. Psychopath. But like, so Pringles, we could have a whole draft of just Pringle flavors. We could.

You can't just draft Pringles as like the chip. That's what I'm asking. Because we got to make a decision, one of those two things. I could go either way on this fellas well and it's very important because I got the first pick in this draft and I I don't want to make a wrong decision because there I want to claim a category well let me just say this if it were my first pick like if I had to pick the high level category okay I would take ruffles as an overarching category. As the chip? As the chip.

But then I feel like there's not enough variety for us to pick from. I think you've got to designate brand of chip and flavor of chip. All right. Established. Ruffles original. I'm going with the Ruffles cheddar and sour cream. Oh, that's a great pick. Okay.

Best chip on earth. That's a good pick. Top five if you leave me with something I got to eat forever. I'm going Ruffles. Now, I don't think that's a poll winner. That's a lot of characters for a Twitter poll. This is my main worry with Ruffles cheddar and sour cream. That's not hard to fix. It's a lot of characters for a Twitter poll. This is my main worry with Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream. That's not hard to fix.

It's very easy. You put the selections inside of the tweet, and then you say you vote for Andy, Mike, and Jason. You still got tweet limits, but yeah. We'll figure it out. It's the flavor. That's the name of it. Okay. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato Chips.

Another rule. Question. of it okay rougher ruffles cheddar and sour cream potato chips another rule question so can i take like lays cheddar and sour cream uh no no you can't have any matching so i can't take ruffles but i know you can't you can't have them matching on the backing all right now after looking up my pick here wow this is really difficult because there's so many things that we need to clarify. Whoever came up with this idea, they did not think through the consequences. Because I want to take Doritos Nacho Cheese. You can. But that's technically a tortilla chip.

No, that's totally fine. Doritos Nacho Cheese is a chip. We're drafting chips. It's a great pick. Don't muddy the water. You said potato chips. Oh, come on. All right.

Now you're just Doritos? Then sweet. I got the first pick in the draft. I got Doritos nacho cheese. It's so good, they turned it into a taco. That's called the Taco Bell standard, and I don't use it to apply to good things. If Taco Bell's made something out of you, it's not always a good thing. Murica disagrees.

And I fully disagree. Taco Bell's made something out of you, it's not always a good thing. Murica disagrees. Yeah, well. And I fully disagree. Taco Bell's done it right. All right. You disagree with Andy. Correct. Because the Doritos taco, it's fully lit. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. It's great. It's great. I'm not. He's just saying that Taco Bell did it. It's very salty, though. You got to admit that. In a great way, it's salty.

Okay, Jason, you get two picks. All right, so I'm on the turn here. I get two. First of all, I'm going to also take the first pick in the draft because we all three think we've got it. It's Lay's Barbecue Chips. Lay's, the classic. Look, you can't eat just one.

And the barbecue is better than the OG. Lay's Barbecue is my chip of choice. And then I'm going to go. I feel like nobody would draft this, but it's so darn good that I don't want it to go anywhere else. So I'm going to actually take the kettle-cooked jalapeno chips. The kettle-brand jalapeno chips. They jalapeno chips they are so good i got my sweet barbecue i got my spicy now i feel like we're finding our place in this draft i think we're all we're really relating to the topic lay's barbecue kettle cooked jalapeno mike you're back on the

clock all right i'm back on the clock i have a pick i I don't think that Andy will grab it. Actually, I don't think he'll grab either of the two that I want to go, but sometimes you just got to go with a classic. Also, Lays are garbage. What? They're terrible. Fresh bag of Lays. You can't beat them. Yeah, you can. It's called Pringles Original. Is that what

your pick is? Yes. Oh my god. 100% Pringles are fake. They are. Pringles chips are fake. That's fine with me.? Yes. Oh, my God. 100%. Pringles are fake. Boring. Pringles chips are fake. That's fine with me. They're just fake looking. They're fake looking? Yeah.

What do they look like? A regular chip is a hypothetical potato that has been sliced end to end, and they are various shapes and sizes because you have just fried a potato. A Pringle is a printed chip. Have you ever shaved a piece off of a potato? No, slice. Have you ever sliced a piece off a potato? Sure. If it's thin, it's very floppy.

Are you telling me right now, right here on this show, in front of America, millions of people, are you telling me that you believe that Pringles chips in their uniform fashion are slices of a potato? Yes. What? What else would it be? It is not that. They're all the exact same.

Yeah, there's a mold. Yeah, but you're mashing it all up is what you're saying? No, you can slice it. Oh, you're... No. What, you're wasting eight-tenths of the potato to get these perfect slices? A high court judge has ruled that Pringles, the popular snack food in a tube, are not potato crisps. They are not real potatoes according to a high court judge.

Of course they're not. Of course they're not. Whoa, no. What's happening? No, you get to pick them because judge. Of course they're not. Of course they're not. Whoa, no. What's happening? No, you get to pick them because they fit the chip category on the- What ruling is this? On the grocery store wall. This is from the BBC News.

And Common Sense, my friend. Oh, they're delicious. They are certainly delicious. There will be no debate here about whether Pringles are delicious. All right. I just can't believe you thought they came from a regular potato. My boring comment is simply because nobody has more flavors than Pringles. And you went with OG.

And you went with the boring one. I get it because they have their own little flavor to it. Yeah. Like crappy Folgers coffee. It's got its own flavor. All right. I got two picks. Oh, I feel good about this.

I feel real good about this. I am going to go with I'm going to go with kettle cooked, sea salt and vinegar. Oh, I'm so happy someone took us. I was totally incorrect that Andy would not have taken my pick. I knew both of you. That's what I was going to take. Dummies like salt and vinegar

chips are just the worst. By the way, we're not the only ones. Also all of America. People love salt and vinegar chips. Oh, and the kettle ones? They're so bad. I'm not even voting for myself anymore. I'm voting for Andy.

Because I want some diversity. I'm going Lay's sour cream and onion. Lay's sour cream and onion. So you have cheddar sour cream. Cheddar and sour cream are completely different than sour cream and onion. No you have cheddar sour cream and sour cream and onion. No, I know, but I'm just saying that was on the basis of I need variety. Yes. Well, because I was... Honestly, I would have gone Ruffles again. Ruffles, sour

cream, and onion. But I went regular. All right. Sour cream and onion is better than cheddar. In my opinion. So... They're both very good. I'm very hungry now. Jason, you're back on the clock. No, he's not. I'm back on the clock. Oh, that's right. All right.

Well, I'm deciding if I just want to fight fire with fire. Fight fire with fire? Yeah, because you technically have the kettle brand. No, we established that you can't, like, for instance, he had the Ruffles cheddar and sour cream, so I couldn't take Lay's cheddar and sour cream. And by the way, I'm just talking about any kettle cook sea salt and vinegar. It doesn't have to be the kettle brand, but the kettle cook style.

So I'm just saying it's even more. You know what I'm saying? There's a kettle cook type of chip and a regular chip. Yeah. I just feel like you're overstepping what you're actually able to grab, though. What do you mean? Because I would like to take Miss Vicky's sea salt and vinegar chips. Oh, no, no, no.

We said you can't match the back end. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I missed that part. Gotcha. Oh, crap. You wanted to cheat. No, I get it. Yeah, I did.

Now I got to figure out what these things are called. Oh, you got something in your... You don't even know what your favorite is? He only takes potato chips that aren't really... What are these things called? No, because they are... I had to get the brand name of it. And we are talking about...

Now, since I was allowed the tortilla chip, am I allowed the pita chip? Sure. Yeah. Stacy's Cinnamon and sugar pita chips. Oh, okay. All right. You may have not heard of them, so it may not be a popular pick. It's a classic Mike pick.

But they are at the Costco. You can get the giant bag, and it is a dessert chip. Jason, if you've never had them, I've just changed your life for the better. They're very good. I hate pita chips, and I do love cinnamon and sugar. But pita chips, they're very good but i hate pita chips and i do love uh cinnamon and sugar but pita chips they're always way too hard they're like eaten rocks that you can like flat rocks that you feel like eating rocks you can eat chew through yes so i'm happy and i'm sad here okay because nothing new yeah it's l-i-I-V-I-N.

Look, the pick that I wanted, they are probably my favorite treat chips in the world. They're still here, and I know what to do, and I'm going to take them. So I'm taking the Fritos Flavor Twists. Have you had the Flavor Twists? You haven't had these? They're Fritos brand. You Google it because you'll see the package and you'll know what I'm talking about. And they're the twist, the little spirals filled with so much good seasoning and sugar.

Yeah, those are good. They are so good. They're like kind of sweet. Oh, man, I'm going to get a bag on the way home. I am freaking hungry. And since I've got... You don't get two picks. Oh, he's the back. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Go for it. My bad. You've been writing this down. What is my team? Your team right now is the Lay's barbecue chips, the Ketter Cook jalapeno chips, and the Fritos flavor twists. Oh, man.

I've got variety. I've got greatness. I'm going to take the home run here, which is... The fish and chips. Oh, that sounds good. What's better than chips? Fish. French fries and fish.

Fish. Fish. I'm going to take the Tostitos scoops. All right. All right. Wait. Just the traditional scoops. Because, yeah yeah i want salsa

i want queso i want so utility matters here yeah here it's it's i'm basically taking toast i'm taking tortilla chips except i'm taking how they've been scientifically upgraded into bowls okay and the the tostitos scoops all right the problem with scoops is they're they can be too thin they can be which is why i didn't go baked scoops. It's so bizarre. Those just break. Yeah, don't be ridiculous. The entire purpose of this chip is that I can easily pick up a dip,

except I leave half of my chip in there because it breaks. As a civilization, we have not been here a long time, Mike. We have not figured everything out. We're working on it. You have, Mike, as you make your last pick, you have Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored. You have the Pringles Original, which

upon reading it again, is actually a really solid pick. You have Stacy's Cinnamon and Sugar Pita Chips. That's a little bit of a left fielder. It's a reach. I'd like to reach for them and put them in my mouth. You've got a final one.

So you took which Fritos, Jason? Oh, I know what you're doing. I know exactly what you're doing. He took Fritos Flavor Twists. Yeah, those are really good. So I can take Fritos Chili Cheese? Yeah, you can. Correct.

You can take the worst chips known to man. Honestly, that was going to be my final pick. You are ridiculous. The worst. You're just a bold-faced liar now trying to down-talk my pick. No way. So let me get this right. Jason Moore doesn't like Fritos chili cheese flavored or kettle-cooked sea salt and vinegar.

That is correct. Because he is an animal. I am on a site called eatthis.com. They have the 35 best chips of all time. According to Jason Moore. Ranked. No, according to them. And they get to the end, and it says, and the number one worst chips are Fritos corn chips chili cheese.

Chili cheese is amazing. Mike, what a pick. They are great. What a pick. Let's share a bag. Let's share two bags. One each. It's not really a chip.

All right. Share a two bag. That's the best kind really sharing. All right. That's the best kind of sharing. I'll eat the top of one. You eat the top of the other. We swap. All right. Tiff, you want to share a meal today at this restaurant?

Yeah, I'll get the hamburger. You get the steak. I'll just eat mine. You eat yours. Well, that actually makes sense because you can half it. And you're not allowed to share with us because we love these. Okay. All right. I was going to make Frito's chili cheese the final pick,

much like you were sad that I took the sea salt and vinegar. So I'm going to close it out with what I want to call the cheese trifecta finish. All right. Because I don't have a choice. I can't take what you took. I'm going Ruffles, loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins. I'm sure those are delicious, but how this draft is completed without Cool Ranch. I thought about it.

Being selected is a tragedy. I'm changing to Cool Ranch. No, no, no. We know the rules here. I was forced to remove the pole with Chris Pratt in it. Yeah, because you cheated. Well, because you said I couldn't change my pick. The draft was over.

No, no. You take your pick. You get what you get. I've written down loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins. That is the flavor of the Ruffles. They are incredibly good. They are barely, from a flavor profile, barely behind the cheddar and sour cream standard.

Yeah, they're barely different. Correct. That's correct. You drafted two of the same chips. Jason, do you like one great thing or two great things? I'll take two great things. Thank you. I'll take new great things every day on my feet.

Brand new socks. Yeah. What did I learn today? I learned that Jason thinks he could donate to the world by wearing a sock and donating it right afterwards each and every day of his life. And I would not want to be the homeless person receiving your after-workout socks. Let's put it that way. I learned today that I have a great heart for saving the planet by saving water with all of my plastic wear.

I learned that Jason, who thinks his food takes are invincible, has terrible potato chip takes. These are weak, Jay. They're real weak. My food takes are the best, though, in general. The people know that. And scoops? You've got to remember, you're eating those scoops without any dip in them.

No, that's not true. Yes, you are. You're taking a bite. You insulted his Pringles original. Do I have to have the Doritos taco shell with nothing in it when I eat my not taco? Yes. No. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Don't forget spit wads. If you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spit wad. We appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes.