Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 250: Castle Cravings & The Worst Animals To Be Reincarnated As - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Today’s show is so educational. Don’t miss it! We discuss architecture, textiles, trains, and so much more. We also draft the worst animals to be reincarnated as. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skittity skat, rickety rat, boobadooboo. Boobadooboo yeah boobadooboo indeed oh i'm red that was a full surprise to me man you get one shot yeah do not miss your chance throw it away welcome in i got an eight out of ten from Al Borland. Yeah, I like that. Little non-traditional ending to this guy.

You got to close strong and boobity boop. It's going to get it done. Welcome in. This is episode 250. Oh, 250. 50. 250. Welcome in.

Would you rather, what's the difference? And we are drafting the worst animals to be reincarnated as on today's show, which should be very interesting. Yeah, we're going to body some animals today. There's some choices out there that, you know, if you're rolling the dice, so to to speak you wouldn't want it to land on well we'll get to it but um and then there's ones i mean we're not i guess we'll eventually maybe we'll do the other draft so i can't even hint at that but the best yeah i mean there's

some animals i'd really love to give a give it a go absolutely we would just draft non-stop hawks i was gonna say eagle. I know. Of course. The entire draft is just like, what bird do you want to be? Is the bald eagle the coolest bird in the world? The California condor. Ew. What?

That's the dumbest animal ever. I think the condor is the largest flying animal. It's disgusting. I don't want to be that. It's on my list for today. I want to be the hawk that does the dive bomb where you're going like over 100 miles an hour. Yeah, or like a falcon because you can go really fast. I don't remember what it was. Sounds like we need a coolest bird draft.

You're looking at the old condo. I had no idea that a condo was this ugly. I mean, that face is wrong. It's just. All right, I face is wrong. It's just... All right, I'm on it. Yeah, no, I mean... Neither of you know how ugly they are? No, I just knew that it was a giant bird, but their face is inappropriate.

That is... Yeah, my Google filter is blocking it, actually. It just blurs the face of all the condors? Yeah, you do not want to Google California condor. Goodness. Safe search is on. Welcome in. I had no idea.

I thought this was a big, beautiful hawk. You liked the wingspan you had heard about. Yeah. You didn't realize it had such a... No, I would not want to live with that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Face that only a mother could love.

I don't think a mom's loving this no way no that's uh when it got in wings fan and made up for an ew this is the ugliest thing i mean this is terrible audio i realized that but oh everyone's yeah pull out your phone be safe but just you gotta look at this california cond contour it's gross man you did a quick quick swap there well i saw it now you know why it's in the draft today oh man i know what the one-on-one is it's in the list gracious all right let's get going Would you rather? I can't get past it. I can't get past it.

Ear holes just open to the world. Just cavities. They're like, do you want some ears? Nah. Just put a hole here. Should we cover that up? No. What should we do with your neck?

You don't want to know. You don't want to know what we're going to make your neck do. Oh, man. But you'll be able to fly. Yeah, yeah. Some trade-offs. And that's the key. Get it to a distance where you couldn't make out its face.

Our chat is just blowing up with pictures of these California condors, and it's bad. It's got a very with pictures of these California condors, and it's bad. It's got a very smooth neck. Man, we're into a segment now, right, Al? How are you doing today? I'm doing great. Thanks for asking. Noah from the website, would you rather only be able to clean yourself by jumping in a lake?

So no soap or shampoo. You just jump in and get out? Just on natural. You can swim around, scrub if you want. Oh, you can, but just no soap, no you just jump in and get out just on natural you can swim around scrub if you want but oh you can but just no soap no shampoo jump in a lake is it really scrubbing i think i mean i think you get a little bit of dirt off or have full access to soap and shampoo but only be able to clean yourself using your hands in a two gallon bucket of clean water so so we've got a we've got to deal with one issue first leeches uh okay two issues right like clearly leeches is up there um but i was thinking so we live in arizona and there is

actually a lake but it is it's a ways away it's a ways away so it's like well you got those uh community park lakes you can go to. Are those lakes? Yeah, those are lakes. They're man-made lakes. Are they? But what's the water situation in there? It's very shallow. I wouldn't jump in from a high distance.

Well, I guess. And then they keep fish in there. So it's not just nasty water. I'm just saying if you don't want to drive up to Lake Pleasant. It's also public. There's a problem with public bathing. You'll have to go swimsuit. I'd say for this question, Lake Pleasant is in in your backyard you could just go outside in your backyard and jump

in lake pleasant but you do you have to deal with the uh the temperature you're also gonna smell i mean lakes smell you get out of lake water you smell yeah no you're not wrong uh are there lakes that don't smell not really i mean lake tahoe doesn't smell okay because it's so deep and pure but most lakes you're gonna come out smelling like a lake man hey michigan boy how about the great lakes are they stinky up there yeah is it a great stink there's some stank up there some what yeah because things grow in lakes is it the is it uh the the the sea life or not, but the lake life? Is it like the fish?

Are they making it smell up there? No idea. The fish and the bacteria and the algae and the moss. You ever been to... There's some lakes up north and the urine. Not just from us, but from the fish. They be peeing. Of course.

Where are they supposed to go? Yeah, they don't. I mean, they don't have a spot. So you're going to smell like a lake a little bit. The bucket of water thing, I think I'd go with that one. It's not two gallons. I could get it done. I think I could get it done.

I'd have a habit. And once again, we'd be talking about, you know, you get your pits and your privates and you're moving on. Yeah, I think this is actually a pretty easy answer. You're going bucket. Yeah. You got to go bucket. You got to go soap. And if you just have a rag.

It just says clean water. No rag. The question says just your hands. That is true. All right. Fine. I just use my hands anyways. Yeah.

But you have an endless supply of water that you can rub your hands through. Yeah. That comes out at water pressure that I don't have to pour on myself exactly so that that makes that makes the hands a little harder like because i'm thinking of rag you dip it in there and then okay let me let me ask you this let's say you have the two gallon bucket of water i'm thinking about process here i'm going to want personally some sort of final splash yes so how i'm gonna have to conserve water up until the final that's what i think about a and you go over the top of the final splash yes so how i'm gonna have to conserve water up until the final that's what i think about a and you go over the top of the final splash yes absolutely really yeah in the in the hair and

everything the problem is is the final splash if you you know if you miss if you haven't really you're gonna be soapy all day well uh do we get soap oh full access to soap okay so that way you're like you got soap scum. Or just soap residue. Not scum. I don't know why that... That's commercials coming out. It's still the way to go. I'm taking the bucket.

Yeah, for sure. Okay. John from Patreon writes in, you now have free travel for life. All right. Which I just brought this up the other day. There was a guy that bought a all-time pass in the 80s, and it's two round-trip tickets for free on any flight ever,

and he's flown for like 35 years taking people with him, going to lunch in Hong Kong and coming back that night. Yeah. First class. So free travel for life, but you must choose. Would you rather have unlimited air travel, but sitting coach in the very back of the plane, or unlimited bus travel via a private luxury tour bus?

Oh, keep going. I'm taking that bus, baby. I am in the camp. That's a long time, though, man. You're not going internationally, clearly. I mean, that you have chosen to go domestically to your destinations of choice. So you lose that. Well, some of it.

You can't go to Europe, but go to Canada. You can go down to South America. If trains were renewed as a form of transportation in this country, and it was Hogwarts Express style, I get a cabin. Yeah. I want to be in a plane or a train that gives me a cabin. Give me a cabin. You just got it.

It's a luxury bus. Am I driving it? No, no. Then I'm going with the bus. Yes, of course. Because imagine this. So the downside is speed. The downside is speed.

Where are you wanting to go? Probably also bus accidents. That's easy. Let's take accidents out. But let's say, okay, the problem is speed. I want to go to Florida. We're in Arizona. It's going to be a lot longer.

Do you want to know what just happened to my trip? It got better. It got better. Did it? Yes, because I'm on a luxury cabin bus. Would you like to guess how many hours of driving it takes to get from Arizona to Florida? I'm going to guess 21. I'm going to go more than that.

33. Yeah. Sounds like I got 33 hours to party. That's a long time, man. You're going to get bored domestically. that's a long time man you're going to get bored domestically I think you're going to be we're going to be sitting coach in the plane

hitting up Europe for free just for fun to go get some beignets or something over in France so you're saying you want an international trip to get a beignet sitting squished next to two people I want the option yeah and if you're going to Florida you can go to

Louisiana and get yourself a beignet see you in like a week next to two people. I want the option. Yeah, and if you're going to Florida... You can go to Louisiana and get yourself a beignet. See you in like a week. Florida is what? Like a three and a half, four hour flight? Yeah. Dude, just knock it out. You're saying you can kind of... You think you can get some habits, like

flight habits that would make coach more tolerable? Yes. The back of the plane is bad right no the back of the plane is the back of the plane is it's fine it's just you have to wait forever once you've taxied and everyone's getting out of the plane it's like an extra 15 minutes on oh that's right but that's that's whatever but you're right by the bathroom which that's a downside in most cases i think that's that's better until someone yes decides to have themselves a an emergency landing someone shouts i'm gonna wreck it and

then steps into the bathroom is that what they say now that's what you have to say you're required to say that you gotta let you gotta let the back of the plane know what's about to happen that's like that guy that went into that home depot i'm fixing to blow this place up and he got arrested squad got called there was that ever on is this real life for the show uh i think we talked about it but i don't think it was just a quick uh summary there was a gentleman that made a comment going into a home depot bathroom that he was about to blow this place up i'm fixing to blow this up and he meant he was gonna wreck the toilet and the police got called as a bomb threat yeah which is just and home depot

did not press charges oh man good for them i'm glad i'm glad they but some of the patrons in the bathroom with them did press charges due to uh give me due to do too yeah um so i need a little bit of clarity on the luxury bus because in my mind what i saw is like what um it's got the taj mahal driving down the road well you know what like bands uh when when they're it's one of those oversized buses yeah but inside it's not just a bunch of seats right and comfortable this is like there's a lay down you can go to sleep you can watch netflix yeah on your starlink yeah this is a party now does that would be nice it but i think the way that i know a tour bus is like the beds are just like the the stacked little nooks this isn't a a giant mattress in the back.

If I get to design... Like an RV. If I get to design the interior of this bus, then I'm taking the bus. I'm sure that they exist. Yeah. I've got a king bed right in the middle, but it's round.

I would take trains everywhere. If I got a cabin. Yeah. And I got fed food. Like, what happened? What happened to this world? Trains were cool. Yeah. And I got fed food. Like, what happened? What happened to this world? Trains were cool. Yeah.

You know what else was cool? Architecture. We don't do that anymore either. Yeah. I'm seeing Al shaking his head. I'm with you on that. Because he's thinking, you know what?

I want a building to look cool. Because, why? Because it should. Not because it's cheap, because I want to make it look cool. Yes. I'm with you on that one. And I want to take a train

to go see that building. You can't. Trains still exist. Why? No, they do not. Oh, yes, they do. Tell me where I could take a train here in Arizona. Okay.

Actually, you can't take trains here. AZ train station. Amtrak stations in Arizona. It looks like we have several. But not with cabins. Amtrak, is that nicer? I think there's nicer Amtrak trains. I don't know.

What's the choo-choo sound like? Do we get a real authentic choo-choo on those? Or is it more of a... Yeah, it's more of a diesel. Yeah, I'm not... I want some magic here. I want the Hogwarts Express taking me places. Well, trains do look different than that now.

But I'm telling you, they're available. Someone tell me why you can't do this in a plane. Do which? Because I know we're trying to stuff as many people in the cabin to make it affordable. Oh, you can. You certainly can. Have you not seen like the Dubai planes? The whole plane should just be cabins

that you buy. Sure. Like a cruise ship. Yes. And they could do that, but your seat is going to be, I don't know what, $20,000 a seat? What if we make the planes as long as trains are? I mean, that would take runways

to a new level. I mean, Howard Hughes tried that, right? Yeah. Old, what, Spruce Goose? I'm just a little disappointed in our lack of sophistication nowadays. Yeah. We can't appreciate nothing.

Yeah, because they got to make that. I'm going to grow up. We got to make that shmoney. And I'm going to build a cool building. You're going to grow up. I'm going to grow up, and then that's what I'm going to do when I grow up. You're going to build a cool building. What's going to be inside?

I'm going to probably have to make it like an old church, because that's what all the cool architecture was they are very nice there's a lot of churches yes they were just like you know what i'm gonna make it nice i don't know maybe a castle we don't do castles anymore yeah that's another problem i have with this world just add it to the list the u.. has a severe lack of castles. I mean, we do have like the 1% should all be building castles. That would at least be architecturally cool because we know they got the money to do it. Yeah. I would really appreciate some like just near me where I can go look at that castle. With a moat.

I don't get to live there, but I can just. Show me that castle. The drawbridge comes down so the door dash can arrive. That's what I'm talking about. A moat and everything. Yeah, you don't do a castle without a moat, Mike. Are you an amateur? What is this guy? I've never heard of a castle. Sometimes they're up on a mountain.

Hey, Jason, what's in the moat? Alligator's water. Thank you very much. I'm aware of what is in the moat. I'm not sure you were. I'm going to medieval times. The moat is where I clean myself, by the way. Oh, perfect. Although that's dangerous.

All right. Spitty City from Patreon. To keep someone from getting to you, would you rather there was a mountain high enough or a valley low enough or a river wide enough? Oh, that's clever. I see what they did. Okay. What is? A mountain

high enough, a valley low enough, or a river. I'm going to take the river. Now, someone explain to me the benefits of a valley being too low. There's no benefits there. Other than the fact that would they also have to go up the other side of the valley?

Hence making it a reverse mountain? It's just an upside down mountain. It is an upside down mountain. But it's actually way worse because on the mountain, I presume I'm up at the top. Yes, of course. I have the high ground Anakin. So they got to go up.

But on the valley, you got to go down and up. It's twice as far. Well, I assumed on the mountain, you're on the other side of the mountain and up it's twice as far well i assumed on the mountain you're on the other side of the mountain well then you gotta go up and down yeah that's what i'm saying okay they're gonna get more sunburn on the climbing of the mountain yeah that uv will get that helps learned about that so my enemy will eventually die of skin cancer 20 years down the line see i wanted to take the mountain so that i would live upon it. Yeah. But you're telling me this is just in the way. The high ground would be nice, yeah.

I mean, a river, it's a moat. Like, this is getting you guys what you want. The river wide enough is uncrossable. That's... I don't think you can get across the river. Well, if they have a boat. Well, okay. I think they're doing it just with ease.

I didn't know they got a boat, man. What, do they get, like, a helicopter for the mountain, too? Well, if the mountain's high enough, the helicopter won't work. Air's too thin. River wide enough is my final answer. I think they're drowning. So let's set the rules. It's just a person using their physical limitations. Yeah, it's like basically, Mike, if I said, I'm going to get you. And then this moment, you take off. I count to like, I don't know, 100.

And then when I come after you, there's either a river wide enough, a mountain high enough, or a valley low enough. The valley's out. The valley's just. It's out. Plus, they can get down one side of the valley just like. Pretty easy. Pretty easy.

They just roll. Yeah. Whee! Just do somersaults. No, not somersaults. They're lying sideways. Remember what you did when you were a kid and you roll down a hill boy the funny thing about that big valley though as a kid rolling down a grassy hill that's fun right yes the idea of you making me do that right now the the level of disorientation

i would have at the bottom of that hill and injuries and your allergies you would just be sneezing um yeah it's gotta be a kid was cool it's gotta be the river I agree with you if it's just a person like you could take as much time to go across a mountain as you know out other than starvation or whatever, if it takes days. But you can't just take days to cross a river. No, it's not time. You have to be able to swim and keep swimming or you go, you're just going to drown.

Yeah, with a little current, you're done. By the way, I feel like there was a disproportionate amount of kids' movies that I watched growing up where the main challenge in the movie was some sort of like raging river with a with a like waterfall at the end of it I feel like yeah in movies there every river has a waterfall nearby in movies nearby yeah I mean I we grew up near the same time and I don't remember well you had cable a disproportionate of my amount of my movies Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie? The Out in the Wild?

Man of the House? It is disappointing. With Tim Allen? No, no. It is really disappointing me, Mike, that you wouldn't remember. I just gave you a movie. You gave me a Tim Allen movie. Wild America.

Thank you. Ah, okay. That was wonderful. There was a river in that. Homeward bound? Guess what? Big old river. Of course, and waterfalls. What about a river in that. Homeward bound, guess what? Big old river. Of course, and waterfalls.

What about a river runs through it? Oh, waterfalls. See, you were watching more advanced movies than I was as a kid. Also, I looked it up because I needed to know. Geologists and the Oxford English Dictionary report that a mountain is at least 2,000 feet. Oh. So there's some 1,900-foot hills that are feeling all insecure next to their mountain buddies?

Yes. Yeah. They didn't make it up to be a full big boy mountain. Oh, that's disappointing. But I mean, 2,000 feet, that's a lot of climbing. So you could convert a hill to a mountain if you brought in some bird movers? Yeah. There's the Hugh Grant movie.

What? The Hugh Grant movie. There can't be a movie where that was the plot. There first movers yeah there's the hugh grant movie what the hugh grant movie there can't be a movie without the plot there there is no there's yeah making a hill a mountain went up a hill came down a mountain or something like that i'll look that's the name i will look that one look up hugh grant mountain movie sounds really good i saw this one in the movie theater you've got to be kidding me the englishman who went up a hill but came down a mountain. I told you. That's the name of the movie?

I just fully redeemed the memory. The name of the movie is the entire plot? Yes. That's absurd. How else are you going to explain a movie where they're trying to turn a hill into a mountain? One, that shouldn't be a movie. Two, the fact you remember it is incredible. Three, the fact you were in theaters for it is even greater. Yeah, it turns out it was more like a love story.

Yeah, it turns out. It was not for me. You don't say with Hugh Grant. All right, last question here. Steve from Twitter. Would you rather receive $100 for every push-up you do or an automatic $2,200 a day for free. So that's 22 push-ups a day?

Yes. Oh, give me that one. That's easy. Yeah. It's not just like I get do your push-ups right now and that's it. I could do 22 right now. Yeah. It wouldn't be fun, but I could do 22.

Yeah. And then you actually are like, hey, I did some pushups. And you get stronger. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The Englishman who went up a hill but came down a mountain. About a town that wouldn't give up. A man who couldn't get out. And the mountain that brought them together.

Oh, man. Did he bring dirt up the hill? Yes. What? Come on. This is the plot of the movie. He brought dirt. I think it's that they have a mountain. I believe it gets downgraded to a hill. You've got to be joking.

So the town gets together and they start bringing dirt up to try and raise it up to be a mountain. I was making a joke is the most insane thing I've ever heard. Not only did it get greenlit, it got finished and was released.

It got greenlit, then it got made, then it got released. Now, think about how stupid the concept of the... We arbitrarily as humans say this height is a mountain there's there's no truth to it i got you make it up we gotta make the rules bro during the days of world war one a small

welsh town relies on its local mountain as a source of pride when two english cartographers reginald anson and george garard and George Garrard arrived to measure the mountain. They discovered the landmark is 16 feet short of achieving the official mountain classification. Disheartened that their mountain has been deemed a hill, the townsfolk devise a plan to make up those 16 feet. Meanwhile, Anson falls for a local woman. Just a throwaway at the end, but really this movie is about mowing the hill.

This is the greatest thing I've ever learned in my life. My goodness. The only thing that would make it better is if this was somehow based upon a true story. Oh, that part I don't know. We'll find out soon. In the meantime, we're all doing the push-ups, and we're moving on. We'll be right back.

Tire Discounter Group. We deliver. Until May 31st, receive up to $100 back by mail-in rebate when you buy four new eligible Michelin tires. Conditions apply. See dealer or michelin.ca for details. Find a Michelin tire dealer by visiting Tire Discounter Group's Tread Experts dealer locator at tireddiscountergroup.ca slash locations.

Tire Discounter Group. Tired Discounter Group.ca What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. All right, you gentlemen, do you have the answer before I ask this question? Despite the implication in the film and the real life local legend, the story is fiction so much

worse that it's fiction somebody it if it happened in real life and you read a book and you're like oh this boring idea is a good movie that's one thing but here's the thing it's fiction but this is a local legend so like this small wellstown they're passing this thing around talking about how back in the day our great-grandparents, they turned this hill into a mountain. I might watch this movie tonight. I can't wait. What is the difference between a pub, a tavern, and a saloon?

A pub? A saloon is easy. Is that the double doors? It has to have the swinging doors. There's not actually an entrance. You can't close down a saloon. No. I've wondered that in the evening time.

It's got to be 24-7, right? It's 24-7. Yeah, 100%. There's no door. Because you can just crawl under the bottom. You lock the door. You lock the little swinging gates. Yeah, for sure.

Now, a pub, that's also easy. That's across the pond. It's got to be Irish. It's got to be Irish. Or English. Yeah, any... English can have a pub. Yeah. pond. It's got to be Irish. It's got to be Irish. Or English. Yeah, any... English can have a pub. Yeah.

European. It's got to be a European. There's no American pub. But a tavern, I feel like... This is just me. I feel like taverns are darker. I feel like the interior... Like, you could never go into a tavern

and the lights are, like, fully on. Yeah, because they're inspired by the candlelit taverns of the original colonies of the U.S. That's right. This guy's blowing my mind. If you go from- The smartest man alive. If you go from daytime into a tavern, maybe you've experienced that.

You can't see. Yeah. You walk in and you think- Because of the contrast. Contrast. Your eyes have not adjusted and you think that you're just in a cave. I feel like we figured this one out pretty quickly. Now, wait a minute.

What happens if you've got double doors and very poor lighting? Can you be both? Can you be a... I mean, I feel like... Which one are you? A saloon doesn't have bright... None of these have bright lighting.

Right. The tavern's just a touch darker. The saloon, like, even if... It's the cave of drinking establishments. Yes. But even if over in Europe, they have a pub that has the swinging double... That's a saloon.

Yeah, if it's got the saloon doors, you're walking into a saloon. I wish we had saloons another thing we're missing here you want to know why you wish we had a saloon because it's open right now it doesn't matter it's open right now and the reason we don't have them you you can't keep anything in stock the theft levels of saloon it's incredibly high so on this show i realized though i do want to take a train to a town to enter a saloon. Now you've come a castle.

You could have a saloon car on a train. Ooh. Okay. I wasn't following for a second. Yeah. But again. It'll be really loud because there's nothing to block out the sound of the train. Elon. This is it.

This is the next thing. You can call it X train or whatever. X train. Saloon trains? No, the saloon. The fact that a train can have cabins for different things, that's fine. I'll walk up and down the train and enjoy it. There'll probably be a murder mystery on that train too.

Certainly. Because there normally are. Yes. All right. What is the difference between a detective and an investigator? Well, I think it's murder. The investigator's not part of the murder investigation? They're investigating, like, fraud.

Yeah, I mean, detectives do investigating. But if you're an investigator, you're not doing a murder. I feel like, are all detectives across the pond called investigators you're saying no in europe no they had detectives they had detectives too yeah i think so i believe detectives and constables which would you rather be called a detective detective for sure i deal with murder do you wear if you're a detective versus an investigator? You can wear a fedora if you're a detective, but you have to have a beige full-length trench coat. If you're a detective? Yes.

That is a requirement. If you're an investigator, you can dress however you want? Yeah, you can just have a regular jacket. Can you wear shorts? I do not want to be a detective in Arizona. Correct. Because it's just so sweaty. But your skin's protected.

Okay. I'm down with this. What is the difference between hair, fur, and hide? Like a hide. Not like in Go Seek. Right. That would not make sense. Yeah, like an animal hide, animal hair, animal fur.

What's the difference? Man. A hide is, to me, complete. It's the whole thing. You can't have like a little chunk and say hey i've got an animal hide right it's got to be the whole like i've got to be able to lay it on the ground and kind of see the shape of the animal yeah and that means like a bear hide and that means that there's skin coming with yeah for sure this is a hide include yeah you're not it's not a trim it has to include skin because if you were to pull uh the fur off the animal without then it's fur yeah and you don't if you don't have the shape of the

body with the skin then it's just the only the only question i have there is if you take the like there's fur on the body of an animal right yes but if i trim that off that off, you're telling me that's still fur on the ground? That doesn't become hair? No, it remains fur. Okay, so then what is the difference between fur and hair? That's what we're here to figure out, Jason. Is that simply the difference between animals and humans? We don't have fur.

We are animals. We do not have fur, though. That's what I'm saying. So we're clearly not animals. Right, yeah. Yeah, you're reversing it mike it's about whether fur and hair is the only definition between us i think is it just like thickness and coarseness yeah but if that's true which i think you i think you might be

correct okay then you have fur mike because place, and that's the back. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Same page. It's the back.

Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur.

Fur. Fur. Fur. Fur. If you have hair on your back, that is. That's fur? It could be mistaken for fur. Because if you were like hunched over, someone might think you're an animal.

Now, question. like because if you were like haunched over someone might think you're an animal now question so we have you know dogs have fur right yeah i think so now because they they shed what do we do for these the animals like the poodles and now the crossbreeds, is that hair? Because that doesn't actually shed. It does not shed. Is that poodle hair? No, that's fur. Are we sure? Yeah, I think it's fur.

All right. If you went to someone to trim it, what would they say they're trimming? The poodle hair? Poodle fur? The coat? Yeah, the coat. We didn't bring coat up well i think a coat can only be a fur you can't have a coat of hair right hair goes on the head right yeah i think so yes i i think we failed everybody on this one can you uh if it's fur there are no wigs made of fur right no they they made wigs out of animal hair oh no this is a nightmare well we know the hide one right oh

yeah it's got skin it's got skin it's got skin got skin got skin i need a real answer to this question here's what my initial my initial instinct was that fur has to be a certain thickness. I thought it's thickness. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Like, if you wear a coat of fur, because people do that, it's got to be thick enough to keep... I can't say the word. I can't.

I'm sorry. I'm Duffy Duck. Like Cruella de Vil. Yeah. That was a fur coat. It's a fur coat. Okay. Okay. I think I'm learning some Duck. Like Cruella de Vil. Yeah. That was a fur coat. It's a fur coat. Okay. Okay, I think I'm learning some stuff here about fur and hair.

Do we have some more answers? I don't have... So I got bad answers. I got good answers. We need them both. Okay, bad answers. Hair can grow on humans or animals. Fur is only present on animals.

So that's stupid. But humans are animals. You know what it means humans um but i think the actual reality here is that hair grows and grows and grows and continues to grow oh you need to trim it whereas fur what does it reach a length it pauses the length and pauses it can shed or whatever but that makes so much sense. Wait, do I have fur on my arms then? No, you're...

Oh, because it stops growing. It does stop growing on my arms. I've never shaved my arms, and I certainly don't have endless hair for miles. No, you have furry arms. Oh, great. That sucks. Yeah. So that goes into the question of like the long hair dogs.

They're called long hair dogs. Oh, yeah. We just, I mean, it's in the name. It's literally there. They're not called long fur dogs. Oh, man. But then they're short hair dogs. Oh, no.

We have solved nothing. This is the hardest. Let me put it a different way. Audience, what do you think? Yeah. Let us know what you think in the comments. Let us know in the comments. But we know what hide is.

Because we can't figure it out. Wait a minute. Scientific American says on the question, what is the difference between hair and fur? There isn't any hair and fur in the same thing. According to Scientific American, that doesn't seem fair. Yeah, but who are they? Let us know in the comments. Do we have time for one more before the draft?

Yeah, let's do one more. What is the difference between shades, curtains, blinds, and shutters? This one I think we know. Yeah, of course, because we're human. Shades? No, I mean, curtains, that's easy. Curtains are the long fabric that goes over the window. Blinds are only contained within the window,

and they can be vertical or horizontal. Yeah, they've got slots. Slats? Slotskies. Slats. Slats. We're going to go with slats and we're going to leave it there. And then shutters are wooden and open and have the ability.

They're built in. Okay. Fully wood. Now here's the problem. Shades. What's the difference between a shade and a curtain? Because you draw your shades. Yes.

But you draw the curtains too. Yeah, but you draw the curtains too. Yeah, you do draw the curtains. You draw the curtains. I think shades and curtains are the same. Incorrect. Two different words. Is a shade one sheet? Yes.

Like a big blanket? Yeah, curtains have two sides. They come together in the middle. Right. And a shade just goes across, and it's one piece. You're 100% correct. If you were to cut that shade right down the middle, you got curtains. What do you mean?

So curtains, you're saying that a curtain cannot be just one single fabric? Correct. That's a shade. Yeah. 100%. That's at least what we are declaring right now. No, I think we owe it to the audience. A scientific American is saying.

Curtains have a depth? No, they just think. Like a thickness? Well, I'm confused by your question, sir. So let's say a curtain was made of a material like a shirt. Okay. That's not a curtain? No, it is.

Yeah. This has nothing to do with thickness. I'm not comprehending this come together thing. Oh, from the middle? Yeah. They meet in the middle. Oh, I think that's just hogwash. What? That's what curtains are. No, that's what a curtain. What are drapes for what it's

worth? Drapes are curtains. Drapes are curtains. Yeah. Do shades, how close to the ground can they get shade will cover the whole window but not go to the ground like curtains curtains can go all the way to the ground or close to the ground like when you see a movie and then the boyfriend's hiding behind something what are they hiding behind well it depends are there one or two is there one or two yeah is there one on both sides of the window yeah because then he's hiding behind a curtain. I don't know if this is accurate, gentlemen.

I'm pretty confident. I feel real good about this. Scientific American, yeah. Okay. Scientific American. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Today we are drafting the worst animals to be reincarnated as.

Condor. You're not up. I know. I have the 101, which. Condor? I mean, I wasn't confident on one of them, and I feel like I'd be hurting myself if I didn't select a condor at this point. It's on the list already. I'm not going to give that glory to somebody else.

Oh, that is that is so glory. And by glory means I will not be coming back as a condor. Congratulations. I have just eliminated it from the list. You can at least fly. You can at least fly. You get to fly away from everyone who's calling you hideous. I mean, not to mention like condors also are, what's the name for it?

But the kind of creature that just like carry on. They just eat the scraps of meat of stuff other people have already killed. Is it like a vulture? I think they're much like vultures. I can't think of the word right now. Vulture's also very ugly for what it's worth. Yeah, but this is the first animal I've ever seen that makes a vulture look good. Like a vulture would want to be near a condor.

Scavengers maybe? Yeah, scavengers, which I think is a pathetic quality of an animal anyway. I think those are the worst animals. So you're dunking on hyenas then? Oh, they're on my list. They're on my list because they're pathetic. Just go get your own. I mean, they are.

They're just taking the easy street. They are. Work smarter, not harder, man. The interestingly ugly condor is my pick. All right. My first pick, I'm going to go... Look, not only... When I was looking this up, not only is this creature just a speed that makes no sense

due to how slow they are, but they're apparently very dumb as well. So I will take the sloth. Yeah. Now, I understand you have... I thought Jason might like that one. You have an adorable factor because they are incredibly cute but how what what makes the move so slow this is like the evolutionary rules like this animal should not have survived no i i wonder all the time how this animal exists if you know i know

cartoons they have like sloths and they're they're slow but when you actually watch a real one you go whoa it's not a joke it's not moving it but it's at full speed it is moving right now it's so how could it ever get away from a predator it can't i don't know it's impossible and it lives in a jungle where there's nothing but predators maybe they can't see it it just looks too slow it's just like a well like a dinosaur rules yeah don't move you can't see yeah i mean if it moves that slow it's drax it's just my movements are so slow they're in percent yeah exactly and they're stupid though so maybe part of the movement problem is just being dumb. Yeah, I think if they were smarter, they'd be like, oh, check this out. Look what I can do.

They have to be able to move fast, right? It's a mental thing. No, no, no. I don't know. You think it's a mental thing? I 100% think it's a mental thing. You think that if they just had some caffeine, they might start sprinting? I don't think that they're the one animal in the world whose muscles can't work faster.

I think that they choose. You would never be tired as a sloth. I don't know, man. Have you ever tried to move slowly? Or maybe you're always tired. Yeah, it takes a lot of activation of those muscles. The World Wildlife Federation says sloths have an extremely low metabolic rate, which is why they have to move so slow.

Then why aren't they fat? They're not skinny. Because they can't eat fast enough, Jason. Yeah, that's the truth. All right, am I up? You are. Okay, so my 101 got to me. I can't imagine anything worse than this.

And we're not doing insects. So I looked this up because I was like, is this an this is a this is technically an animal an earthworm okay there is no purpose to your existence you live underground honestly i it was i was thinking about it in dirt but then i thought it wasn't an animal yeah no i i was just curious i looked it up a worm is worms are not classified as an insect? No, worms... Oh, because they don't have six legs. Yeah. Right?

An insect has to have six legs. I mean, if you looked it up, scientific American, I'm going to allow it. I would still call it a bug. Yeah. I mean, it's because it's small and nasty and creepy and... If you can step on it and push it. Oh, it's disgusting. But could you imagine that life?

What is the life of a worm? Now, wait, if you cut one in half, do you become two? I don't think earthworms do that. Maybe. I'm just thinking you could have a friend. Yeah. You're like, I'm so lonely. Split.

Split. Okay, so earthworm. The point of you is you're going through the dirt. You're what? Irrigating it? Can't think of the right word. Irrigating? I don't think it's irrigating. Aerating? Aerating. Thank you.

Oh my gosh. Okay. I just googled. I just wanted to remember how hideous this is. I'm going to draft the ugliest creature on the face of the planet. He actually jumped back. I did. I googled this one word and was terrified. i'm drafting a blobfish yeah

that was my original 101 it is beyond disgusting it looks like something from a a bad movie like a low budget movie that had to create some kind of monster but they didn't have like a talented person to create it or a big budget. So they just kind of made it out of Play-Doh and they don't have artistic ability. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. Mike, it's back to you.

You have a sloth. I have a sloth. I'm going to follow that up with a jellyfish. Interesting. What is a jellyfish even doing? It's just kind of blowing around it floats around it has no control over where it goes right no it can't because it just goes wherever the ocean takes it now you you release your little tentacles out and hope that a that a fishy goes

into it and so you eat them but other than that you have you have no control so your food whatsoever of the currents your movement is the whim of the currents. Yes. You are mostly invisible. Imagine meeting a friend jellyfish, and then the currents take you apart. You've got no way to stick together. Nope, nope. You can't trade numbers.

You're basically a tree. You're lifeless. A tree doesn't move. A tree doesn't blow in the wind. But it doesn't move. My point is- We're talking about- Jellyfish are like trees.

See? You have no control of where you're going. A tree, it's rooted. Yeah. My point- It's the opposite. Yes. Okay.

One moves, one doesn't, but neither have any control- One's in the ocean. Two move. They don't have the ability to- Right. They're just- They're alive. But a tree can grow taller. You don't have the ability to... They're alive. But a tree can grow taller.

You don't think a jellyfish grows? I would have gone tumbleweed. Okay, that's fine. I guess I was thinking just something that is living that does nothing. I don't know. Okay.

It's a bad analogy. Trees are respectable. That does nothing. Well, I don't know. Okay, okay. That's fine. It's a bad analogy. Yeah, it's not great. Trees are respectable. But what do you expect from a blobfish? Am I right? But a jellyfish, that's not a good life. All right, so I have to pick a friend for my condor.

Yes. This is difficult because I'm trying to think of a combo here some animals are ugly and that's why you'd pick that you don't want to be them you don't want to be a blobfish you don't want to be a condor

some animals are just pathetic in my opinion like a hyena but I think that you say that to a hyena's face i think you're gonna disagree no he'll wait for someone to kill me and they'll come back and eat some of me um i'm gonna go with a mole okay because a mole is like an ugly earthworm in a lot of ways it's like sure you're underground the whole time you don't i don't

think they can see i'd say i believe moles are blind i think they're blind they got like a starfish uh disgusto nose face that's to put have you have you looked up i'm looking at it right now i did not know that their nose did this i this is a demogorgon it's like a starfishy looking gross face. See, I would have gone, on my list was mole rat. You should look up a mole rat. Oh, I have that on my list too. The naked mole rat? Yes.

But. Oh, man. Talk about a condor. The mole rat. It's a condor if I've ever seen one. Oh, man. The mole rat is something special you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with a rabbit a rabbit what what you being a rabbit would be

awesome no no no no listen i want this is that would make my list on like animals you want to be reincarnated this is why i'm bringing it up okay a rabbit first of all if you ever known anybody that wants a rabbit for a pet they're stupid and horrible pets second they're not it's not bugs bunny you're not hopping around all over the place being happy here's what you are as a rabbit you spend your life trying not to get either eaten by predators you are not you are only prey no animal is more only prey than a rabbit you hop around trying not to be eaten by hawks, coyotes, mountain lions, whatever. All you do is get hunted all day long. This is fair.

And if you're not doing that, you're getting hit by a car. That's the two things that you're doing. You're trying to get across streets. You're not really hopping that much. And you're eating vegetables. And you're eating vegetables all day long. Rabbits are overplayed because of cartoons. If they had like

Tigger-like jumping ability, if you saw rabbits and they were exactly like they are now, except for they jump six feet. Rabbits can jump super high. Yeah. Like a jackrabbit? Are both of you contending that a regular rabbit can jump six feet in the air? Because if you show me one... What's a regular rabbit?

A rabbit cannot jump six feet in the air. What's a regular rabbit? A rabbit cannot jump over me. I want to know what world you're living in. Four feet. Oh, darn. A four-foot jump for a tiny little rabbit. To date, I have seen thousands of rabbits. I've never seen one jump four feet. Oh, it doesn't jump for you?

It just doesn't see you and go, Hey, rabbit! Do a jump! Do a jump! He's never listened. They're just getting eaten by stuff. I don't want to get eaten by stuff all day long. When they're moving,

they can travel up to 45 miles per hour. Rabbits are awesome. Yeah, rabbits are great. You want to know what they're doing? They're running into your garden, stealing food. They're awesome. They're cute. This is to know what they're doing? They're running into your garden stealing food. They're awesome. They're cute.

This is coming from a movie, right? This is coming from all the rabbits in my neighborhood every night. What's the rabbit movie? Peter Rabbit? Peter Rabbit. Oh, blah. What is our channel doing right now? We're getting all the animals.

Man. No, I'm going the permanent prey of a rabbit. I'm just going to get eaten. Those are good points. All right, Mike, you're back. I will concede that. All right, so, you're back. I will concede that. All right. So I have jellyfish.

I have sloth. I am going to go. Look, I'm going to look. It makes up for not makes up it. It joins your your not attractive face animals. And I don't really know what they do. I'm going to go with a turkey. Turkeys are disgusting.

They taste good. They're mean. Yeah, they're mean, aggressive, and I don't know what they do. What's that thing called that they have? They got a gizzard or a... It's... A snoodle? A snoot?

Is it a snood? It's a snood. Is it a... I'm going to look it up. If you got a snood, I don't want to be you. Yeah. Don't send it to me. So we got the snood, we got the waddle, and we got the car-nunkles.

The car-nunkles? No, no. Car-uncles. Car-uncles. Car-uncles, yeah caruncles caruncles yeah a snood yeah no snood picks for me turkeys are so gross they're gross that's a good pick it's a really good pick all right when they're when they're hunting i get it's it's a bird but how do you not look at that face and you're like oh i bet that's a tasty animal. Oh, man. Condors must be delicious. Yeah, I was going to say.

All right, Jason, your final two picks. You have an earthworm and a blobfish, which I wouldn't want to be either one of those. Yeah, and so this one is bad in a number of ways. I think they're ugly. I think they're disgusting. They also have terrible PR. Everybody hates them. There's nobody that loves this animal.

This is a... I bet it can jump six feet. You wish. It eats garbage. It eats garbage? And is a monster. Oh, okay. Lives in sewers.

It's a rat. Oh, right. I don't want to be a rat. I don't want to be a rat. I don't want to be completely hated by the entirety of the world. People have pet rats. Yeah, we had pet rats. Yeah, rats are not hated by the entirety of the world. I will say this.

They are also nimble. You can go hide wherever you want. You can go kind of be like a, you know, you'd be able to watch anything you want, sneak into anywhere you want. But it is a hated animal. You're the king of the mouse world i'm the bringer of disease that's true you're the plague bringer and and if you had somebody say hey what'd you get reincarnated as and you're like a rat that wouldn't sound so good let me put it this way at my house in my neighborhood we have rabbits Bunnies? I don't know the difference between a bunny and a rat. Whatever we have.

And I love them. And they're cute. If I had a rat at my house, you want to know what I'm doing? I'm not setting out traps for my rabbits. I'm bringing a company in, and I'm going to make sure that these rats die. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, rabbits. So I guess if a rabbit's hunted these rats die. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah.

Rabbits. So, I guess if a rabbit's hunted, rats are pretty hunted by humans. Yeah. Okay. So, I think the final one would be my final pick. Trying to go. That would be your final pick. Hmm. I'm going to go with an ostrich. Oh, it's it's on my list you know it is very much on my

list living in a permanent state of jealous rage yeah I am deficient as a don't call me a bird yeah don't call me a bird I can't fly yeah I can't fly I'm mad'm angry. I put my head in the sand. I don't, but people think I do. Right. They apparently do something where they lay their head down. Also, they don't live in nice areas. You don't see ostrich out in the beautiful- They're not in the forests. Yeah, they're not in the forests.

Yeah, okay. They're out in the desert, just near the tumbleweeds. Do we have time for a quick sidebar sure how come nobody's ever released different animals in different places uh because they don't survive yeah you're telling me maybe they did this is what i was thinking about you're telling me if you brought in i don't know 600 tigers right and you just release them into our north forest country right they're surviving oh that they would survive you would need a lot of them they would destroy the ecosystem oh i'm well aware of it so that's why i'm just saying it but it feels like science feels like somebody would

like some arch villain or something would do it for entertainment value i feel like he would i would feel like that would be in a city. Sure. If we're talking super villain, he's not releasing it in the jungle. I mean, being like, ha ha ha ha. There's a whole category. Take this, trees. They're going to scratch your bark. I mean, there's a whole category of arsonists that set things on fire on purpose.

And nobody's ever like, I don't know, put a bunch of grizzlies in the jungles out in. I think your examples are difficult because the first part you gotta get them you gotta get hundreds of grizzlies like if this was rabbits and you're like oh you know rabbits how would you do in the arctic let's go find out i'd avoid the arctic for most of these but i don't know all right uh mike final pick sloth jellyfish turkey cow oh that's not bad cow's a good pick like look cow you're here for two reasons number one maybe you're maybe you're a milk cow and then you get to have a terrible life and we steal your milk and you're just farty and gross and you stink.

Or the worst. Or the worst. You're raised and you say goodbye to your friends and they tell you you're going to cow Disneyland and then you're never to be seen again. You are quite delicious. Yeah, I'm not going to argue with that. Now, if you're reincarnated in some places in the world, you're worshipped.

Yes, that is true. Yes, there are. How long does a cow live if it was to die of natural causes? It's never happened. We don't let them. No one has ever known. We're still waiting to find out. 15 to 20 years.

And you chew your cud too, right? Yeah. That sounds fun. And I think you have to barf it up and then chew it again. Yeah. I don't even know what it is. You wouldn't make it a cud if you didn't do that. What is cud?

It's grass. Yeah, man. Why don't we call it grass? Because it's your cud, man. Because they turn it into a cud. So cow's a good pick. I have condor, mole, rabbit. And I'm going to finish it with partially digested food returned from the first stomach for more chewing.

So you got double stomachs with the reincarnation. Yeah, but you have to verp and then eat the grass again. And then you got to eat your verp. You don't want to eat your verp. So cows are always. They're chewing on the verp. They chew grass into one stomach. Yep.

They vomit it back up so that they can chew it more. Yeah. And put it in the second stomach? Yeah, and put it in the second stomach. It's better the second time around. So it's partial broken down in the first stomach? I think that's what's going on. You're a weird cow, Mike.

Yeah. Condor, mole, rabbit. I'm going to go with skunk. Okay. I'm going to go with the skunk. Maybe. Look, I literally am known for smelling horrible. Yeah.

That's what I am. No one hangs out with me. I'm a skunk. But you have a weapon. Yeah, you do. Like, I thought about putting skunk on my list because it was like, I understand how that's a good pick, but I was just like, if I am the skunk, if that's my ability, would I hate it? You could become a skunk tomorrow if you wanted to. You could make yourself smell real, real bad.

That'd be a cool weapon. Yeah, but it's projectile. You could put that in your pocket. How far can a skunk do their spray? Let's find out. A lot of Googling on today's show. If you Google how far can a skunk do their spray, I'll be interested in the answer. 15 feet.

Good grief. Accurately. Oh, yeah. Like I hit a target like a sniper? Yeah. There's like Hawkeye the skunk. It can cause significant eye irritation and even temporary blindness. To me, it was between the skunk.

In the face. In the face. And a weasel. Okay. Because a weasel. They pop. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like a terrible thing to be called.

Yeah, we do use it in a derogatory sense. Oh, for sure. I don't know why people don't like weasels. Because they're sly, sneaky little scoundrels. Are they? Oh, yeah. I mean, that's what they're known for. For sure. Like liars. don't like weasels. Because they're sly, sneaky little scoundrels. Are they? Oh, yeah. I mean, that's what they're known for. For sure.

Like liars. You're a weasel. You're going to weasel your way out of that? Yeah. Condor, mole, rabbit, skunk, Mike with a sloth, jellyfish, turkey cow, and Jason with an earthworm, blobfish, rat ostrich. Any other? I had the elephant seal in there, which is a heck of a condor of an animal.

If you want to take a look at that. Yeah, for sure. I'll look at that. I had, let's see. Chicken. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's not a good life.

Just run it. Steal your eggs or kill you for meat. I mean, it's a real cow situation. Watch out for crossing that street. I've got platypus. Interesting. Because you'd never know what you really are. Yeah.

I'd like to be unique, though. Yeah. Do you think they're confused? Yes. The platypus is like, what are all these things I have? I also had camel. Because part of me thinks it would be cool to be a camel, right? You can run.

You're big. But you live in the desert. Yeah. You're adapted. Yeah but you're just thinking of heat yeah i just i think you would live in the heat and then best case scenario is some you have to give rides you gotta give rides it just doesn't sound fun how many uh humps do camels have like what what is the i think up what's the range just there's three are there three humps camels i think there's three humped camels have? What is the range? I think there's three. Are there three humped camels? I think there's three humped camels.

Are those dual so two people could ride? Yeah. It's just the sedan version of the camel. Sedan-al. I think it's just one or two. Oh, we don't got the triples, huh? A fun fact, though, about camels that I had seen the other day, huh the uh a fun fact though about camels that i i'd seen the other day a typical camel can drink 53 gallons of water in three minutes oh my god so if there's just like a big body of water they

just they put their face in and they turn into a vacuum and that is so much water imagine drinking 53 gallons of water in three minutes and this is a dumb question is the hump actually no it's not actually water no it's fat um so why are they so good in the desert where's the water going just in there they can drink how many stomachs does these guys got so i i just so i googled about the humps i wanted to know how many and it there there aren't three hump camels but if you image search a three hump camel and you see one with three humps you realize there's no way there's not enough space for three humps it doesn't have to be too long it's just not a thing oh yeah that looks ridiculous no one rides no one rides on that camel what did we learn today i learned a lot today so many things i mean this was the most informative

episode we've ever had um i i honestly i'm gonna go recency bias here i learned that cows eat their vomit you also learned what condors look like on today yeah as a big learning experience for me i learned that we don't know the difference between fur and hair on today's show. That was a big learning experience for me. I learned that we don't know the difference between fur and hair on today's show. Yeah, it was the condor. And I didn't realize there were so many condor-like animals out there. Some animals were dealt a bad hand.

At least. I believe it's for cleanliness. Yeah, sure. Thanks for tuning in. Tell your friends and your family about the podcast. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.