Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 251: Ducks and Dumps & Things That Are Yellow - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

Jason spills a messy, embarrassing secret to the audience today. Maybe a few of you can relate. Maybe not. We also discuss bug hunting, mandatory stealing, and seeing through walls. Lastly, we have a draft of things that are yellow. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason I think I'm going to have to boost that audio but I loved that oh hey

the end of it was so i can't even do it i don't know what you kept the speed up it was great it was an all-timer it's a bunch of bunch of click sounds i loved it welcome into the spitballers episode 251. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Al Borland in the building. Judge Giamatti on the pulleys and levers. And we're happy to have you with us. Thank you for tuning in, for supporting this ridiculous adventure that is the Spitballers podcast.

We're here again. They keep letting us do this show. Oh, they can't stop us no matter who they are no no even if they are us they have tried and we are drafting things that are yellow on today's show not one of my favorite colors really

I like yellow it's fun it's bright it's happy cowardice yeah I'm gonna draft urine owl you coward i mean yeah look there's yellow you did say yellow yeah you get you give it the old fashion it's not yellow i don't like yellow i don't mind yellow oh okay they're a little bit different okay different hue gotcha um man of the people on the show today and would you rather as well uh you can follow us on instagram instagram.com spitballerspod.

We're on YouTube, and we're going to get it going. Would You Rather. RG from Patreon writes in and says, Would you rather, for the rest of your life, be startled awake every 30 minutes of sleep or wake up 12 hours later every time you go to sleep? So would you rather have a newborn baby the rest of your life or get 12 luxurious hours of sleep every night?

But granted, you have to commit to a full 12 hours. That's a lot of time. You reacted the exact same way I did initially, but I am seeing some problems with the 12-hour one. First, I reacted immediately the same as you. I was like, I've had a newborn baby. This is exactly what it's like. Your nights feel like, I don't know, a week long

because every time you go to sleep, know a week long because you every time you go to sleep you're up then you're asleep you're up the 12 hours makes perfect sense if you can plan properly however i started thinking about what if something took you later into the night then you wanted it to and then you did have an obligation the next morning, you would then be in the position where those nights you have to not sleep at all. Because let's say, you know, what, 10 o'clock? That would be 10 o'clock the next day, right? So then let's say, oh, I'm going to go to bed at 8 to get up at 8.

But then something happens. You run into traffic on the way back from something. That's a lot of traffic. And it pushes you you to 10 but you got to be somewhere at eight eight eight o'clock yeah so you'd have to stay up all night you would have to not sleep to make certain appointments and um but the alternative might be even worse than staying up which is like i've got to wake my kids up at 6 a.m every day like for school is school season okay they've got to get up at six if they don't get up at six we ain't making it to school on time that means i gotta go to bed at 6 p.m yeah 6 p.m or or yeah that's a huge

problem you can just be tired every single day for the rest of your life i'm tired every single day of my life right now you are not wake up every 30 minutes tired mike how many notations do you have in our ongoing journal of notating when i am tired uh you do frequently ask if whenever we sit down for a podcast and you say i'm tired i go oh i'll note. Now, I do make the notes on these little boogie boards, so I delete it every time, but your point still stands. It's in the thousands. I've marked this many times. I can't believe that thing still works. Have you tried the 12-hour plan for your fatigue?

No, because I'd have to go to bed at six. Yeah. I mean, I genuinely think you can't. It literally is half the day. It's half the day. Yeah, I don't think you can do that. I don't think you can do the 12-hour one. You have to.

It sounds great. You are not remembering how tired you were. It is a weird thing to be like, okay, I got 12 hours of sleep. Now I can stay up late. No, you can't because you have to go. Right. Could you skip? Like on 12 hours, could you skip every once in a while?

I don't think you're going to want to do that. Like every fourth night, do you just plow all the way through and then make up for with the next four hours of when's the last time you pulled an all-nighter it's 16 years old probably yeah that's a good question like an not not like up super late no you're like you did i did not go to sleep i don't i mean it's gotta it's gotta be years. I think it was like a video game one of my teenage years or something. I played it all night long. I think I did it probably right before I had children. And now since I've had children, I can't.

But you're doing all nighters. That's on like a six, seven, eight hour sleep schedule. If you pile up the 12 hour nights, couldn't you make it through? I think your body might have the opposite reaction. It's so used to sleep that it won't be able it's it's the people that like i get three hours a night that are that they're they're like i can stay up all night you might live longer but you're not you're not awake as much of that life right that's a new question would you rather how many hours awake do you want to be would you rather have 10 extra years of your life, but you had to lose 10 waking years?

Yeah, I mean, this is one of the hardest questions I've ever seen because I really don't want either one, but I'm going to take the 12 hours. Yes. Because I think I'll be pretty pleasant for 12 hours. It will take a lot of planning, but waking up every 30 minutes, getting woken up. It will take a lot of planning. Waking up every 30 minutes.

It's torture. Imagine a night where you had to wake up two times in the entire whatever eight hours that you slept. It's awful. The next day you're a zombie. You have giant really dark bags under your eyes. It's

impossible. You can't survive like that. Are you going for it bags under your eyes, it's impossible. You can't survive like that. Are you going for it? I'm going, man. I'm going every 30 minutes, absolutely. My body will adjust. He trusts. No, it will not.

Because the human body can't adjust to this. He'll just ride it until it breaks down. Oh, man. Lily from the website, at will, would you rather be able to walk through walls okay see through walls okay or hear through walls it's a wall question it's all about um you know you would still get caught trying to rob a bank by walking through walls yes so maybe i mean you'd be able to escape a little bit easier. Well, yeah, okay. Then can you bring... She specified in this question to take it out of the equation

because you will get caught if you try to rob a bank. Oh, okay. All right. Mike doesn't like that stipulation. No, no, no. That's fine. It got me running down the path of, what are the rules about walking through walls?

Is it stuff that's like just your physical body? Well, then, but your clothes can go through. Well, then that would say, well, if stuff's in my pockets, is that good enough? You went down the rabbit hole. Which apparently I'm not allowed to do right now. I think you can go with whatever normal stuff you have. Your normal phone. I think stuff in your pockets goes with you.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. My wallet's not ending up on the other side of the wall right so for the bank I could go in and just get like a stack of hondos I knew where you were going to go I knew it you're going to go the bank is off limits if you go into the bank if you walk through a bank wall you're naked on the other side

everything the bank has special superpowers where okay they make you naked? Well, it's just nothing can travel with you. Okay. This is just so I can't steal money. That's exactly... This is just... It's Terminator rules.

This is just for Mike not to be able to take things. Look, what's the most beneficial? Walking through walls. I mean, your house, you get to... Oh, that'd be great. I mean, point A to point B very quickly. Seeing through walls... quickly seeing seeing through walls i think seeing through walls is more valuable but i'm trying to think of like when

i would use it other than just like i don't want to be some creep right no no but i mean i would know where everyone is in my house at all times you know what i mean like one of your bigger challenges i mean it's a common thing like oh where's where's tiff where's where's uh jason where you know it's like hearing through walls feels like it would be distracting oh that's a nightmare unless you could like target it when you wanted it and then turn it off yeah i mean if if you can just hear through all walls serve a valuable purpose in we did great work it does say at will so this is you you can use it whenever you want, and you can turn it off whenever you want. Oh, we should read the questions.

I don't want to hear through walls because I don't want to hear people talking crap about me. Yeah. Oh, man. Because I can't go to them and be like, I heard that. And then they're like, how? And I'm like, I answered this question on Spitballers, and I got a power.

Say, I can hear through walls. But only through walls. I like it. Andy's concern is he confronts someone who's talking crap, and they go, well, how did you hear that? That's how everyone acts when you call them out on something. Where did you hear this? I just think that the most I would get out of the hearing one

is negative to my life. Right. That's my point. It's's not that you're not getting trade secrets from not most of the time most of the time it's just going to be somebody saying like you know i'll be at the bank and the guy walks in another room he's like so ugly that guy is i gotta help that ugly guy naked guy just walked out he was trying to rob the bank yeah so the walking through walls seems like it's great. Now, outside of the bank, am I walking straight out of a target, side of the target?

Yeah, I'm not even talking about theft. I'm just talking about the ease of I don't have to worry about going through doors anymore. Honestly, you could park in different places at the mall. That would be more convenient for you. That is actually really valuable. You don't need to be near entrances. The parking situation is great.

You just park wherever. Far away, but on the side of the building where nobody parks. It's like, that's not the side of the building. That's now the entrance. You're never waiting in line for one of those sporting events to go through the checkers. You're just walking through the side of the building. You want to go to the movies. If there's any seats available, you just go right into any event.

You want to get into the Super Bowl? You're in. No problem. Fire hazard? Never. Never. I walk right out. Oh, yeah, you can't be trapped in a fire.

Yeah, and you'll let people know as they're screaming, Peace out. They're running out the fire hazard. Quick, this way. No, man. Don't need it. Yeah, you're going out the other way. See, I would do the opposite. I would say, quick, this way, and then man. Don't need it. Yeah, you're going out the other way. See, I would do the opposite.

I would say, quick this way, and then run out the wall. Gotcha. Come with me if you want to live. Yeah, I'm taking the walking through walls. Yeah, I like that one. Lucas from Patreon. Would you rather have to steal something once per day or you die or kill something once per day or you die? What?

Something? Is this like a bug? I mean, I'll squash a whole bunch of cockroaches. It could be an ant, a cockroach, a spider. You just got to go find it? Yep. Boy, that'll be a pathetic moment at the end of my day. Like, oh, gosh.

I haven't killed. Like, sometimes you accidentally run into a bug that you could kill. Yeah. But to have to go out and actively pursue? I don't know. I think pet stores have us covered here. You know, it's like I'll go buy, you know, a hundred worms for my bearded dragon.

Okay. And so, you know, you can get your crickets or beetles. They got beetles there. Just go buy a, you know, a literal lifetime supply of bugs so that you can live. Yeah, I mean, that would be really easy stealing something once per day and get away with it or what i guess it doesn't matter it's up to you i just have to do it i'm good of a theft well then i'm good of a theft am i yeah good one

well that actually brings up a real problem though because let's say you're not a good theft right let's say you're a bad theft and you get caught yeah and you go where all thefts go to jail or now you can't steal anything you could steal something from your cellmate yeah you can't oh you better you better he better have some special uh steal the still is close yeah it's close you got no other choice and it doesn't say you have to hold on if you could want him to throw him out the the bars is that stealing yeah i don't think that's stealing stealing if you can throw it out the bars it's okay okay hold on if he can't get it back you've stolen it if you're telling me we're in we're in a we're in a cell okay okay and i take clothes and i throw them out the bar.

Yeah. That that other person's going to say, you theft. No. They're not going to say that. No. They'll probably call you a swear word, but I guess it depends on how long you have them in your possession. I wouldn't think that's stealing.

Okay. How long do you have to, if I take something? Yeah. Because I would say if you're in a store and you take something the moment you leave you have now stolen that object regardless of whether you throw it out the window of the car five minutes well let's say i'm at a i'm in a store yeah you know but i don't even thefting i'm doing my big thefting yeah. Right? I grab a necklace, and I throw it out. But you're inside.

Yeah. And someone else picks it up. You didn't steal that. No. What did I just do? And you don't know the person that you threw it to? Right. Yeah.

I don't even care who tasted it. You're just into mischief. Yes. You're not a theft. Did I steal? What did I do? No, that's my point. When you're in that.

Did that person steal? Oh, that person totally stole. But they didn't even know. No, that person found something. Yeah. They didn't steal. Nobody stole. Nobody stole, but someone was stolen. But something was stolen.

And they're like, shoplifters will be prosecuted. I'm like, didn't shoplift. I merely took your item and threw it out the door. I mean, that's got to be something. No, it's not stealing. It's throwing. Yeah. It seems like it got to be something. No, it's not stealing. It's throwing. Yeah, it seems like it has to be something, but what is it? Your Honor, he is charged with first-degree throwing of the necklace.

That's mischief. Yes. I don't know what else it is. Is mischief illegal? Yeah, I'm on it. I'm sure. Mischief. What is the something of the piece?

Disturber of the piece? Oh, yeah, Maybe disturbing the peace. Are you disturbing some peace? Well, I don't know how to spell mischief. It autocorrected me with, did you mean, and it's not the word mischief. Did you mean muskrat? That's interesting. Was this the one about the-

How do you spell mischief? How do you spell it? M-I-S-C-H is it chief e-i-f or i-e-f yeah i-e-f okay yeah that'll do it criminal mischief yeah there's criminal mystery criminal mischief mischief it's a property crime on the books in every state hmm okay all right so that's what it's usually causing damage we think that we think that's crime on the books in every state. Hmm. Okay. All right. So that's what it would be. It's usually causing damage.

We think that's what it's going to be? Yeah. I think you're going to be a criminal mischief. Now, I mean, what's a sentence for mischief? There's got to be nothing. That's white collar. That feels like the judge just wags a finger at you I think the I think what Jason said

that the work around with the Beatles from a pet store if there wasn't that would you still go that direction? like just go out and go for a walk and try to find something to squish?

it seems like it would be but interesting in my old age. More merciful. Yeah. When I was a young man, bugs stood no chance. If there was a bug, I will go out of my way to make sure that I smash this insect. Yeah, a lot of ants.

And now, like the other day, there was... And it just depends on the bug. Because I was in the office, and I found this big green leafy bug. And I had never seen this type of a bug before. And I was like, oh, hello, Mr. Leafy Bug. And I pick him up. I take him outside. So I'm free?

Yeah. And I was like, you don't belong here, Mr. Leafy. There's a bug out there. And then I got back in. And then there was one of those tiny little black or brown beetles, and I squished him good. And it was like, you're ugly. And you did it right after?

Yeah, because it was like, it's just this common beetle. Yeah. Because in Arizona- It wasn't pretty enough for you. In Arizona, we have a bunch of these beetles going around. Oh, so it's the frequency you see them. Yeah, but there was the green leafy bug. Less common? I felt like i couldn't smash it i think that because i've become more merciful with bugs later on as well um i think it has to do with as a kid i'm much i was much more afraid of bugs

as an adult you weren't a bug collector no i guess some kids are like that but no i was more like it could hurt me. So I'll squish you even though they couldn't hurt you. They're just bugs. But now I feel like self-defense. I just feel like I used to be like afraid of grasshoppers, right? But now I don't even care. My kids are all afraid of them and I'm just like whatever.

It's a grasshopper. They're terrifying, but they get because they fly in all weird. You don't like them. Well, I just whatever they don't they don't control themselves and know where they're going. They're just grass launchers. Yeah, so anyways, I think we're done with that one. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to steal stuff.

I don't want to be a theft. Jeb from Twitter, would you rather be able to summon your own comforter and pillow at will? Okay. Or be able to summon your own comforter and pillow at will? Okay. Or be able to summon your own toilet paper at will? Ooh. That means that, would you become a public pooper, Jason? It would be far more interesting to poop in public with a nice... I'll look into it.

I'll look into it. The problem is I have outgrown really nice toilet paper. That used to be the problem with pooping in public was like, that toilet paper is not nice for my bum. I like nice toilet paper. That was the only problem? Well, I mean, that was like the biggest problem was I wanted a nicer toilet paper.

Yeah. But now. It wasn't the nastiness. It's not the germs and the neighbors. It was the toilet paper it it just depends on the bathroom i mean obviously if i'm at some circle k bathroom i it's not just a toilet paper problem but you know if i'm at a restaurant and they've got a uh you know a bathroom where you can go to the bathroom then yeah yeah, I think the toilet paper is a big problem. Now, look, we clearly have precedent that like gas stations, quick trip, can clean their

bathrooms. It is possible to have clean restrooms. It is possible. So is there a directive from the top that is like to all Circle K managers, do not clean that. Like, why are they so gross? They could just have somebody clean the bathroom. They could.

I imagine there's just... Is that on purpose? There's no repercussion if you don't. They're like, hey, get to it if you have a chance. Oh, then no one's ever cleaned a bathroom with that. Exactly. That's why they're so dirty. My wife asked me that.

If she tells me before we have a party, she can say two things. Get the bathroom if you've got a chance. It ain't going to get clean. Or go clean the bathroom. There is a big difference. You need a directive. I need a directive. Also, the fact that humans, and I will say specifically men, are disgusting.

And I don't understand. There's this small section of the population that they're like when they go to the bathroom they're just like there's no rules anymore they're just like i will say this i think it's a domino effect the first man who misses i'm not sure that they're missing though well listen what i'm saying is is once something's gone awry in the bathroom, the next man has to accommodate the first man's mess. Therefore, his chance of making a mess is higher. He makes another mess.

All of a sudden, you are on a tightrope walk. Slipping out of the bathroom. Slipping out of the bathroom. It's just a distance problem. What you're saying is if there's a little puddle on the ground, you've got to take a step back. Yes. And saying is if there's a little puddle on the ground, you've got to take a step back. Yes.

And then the next person has to take two steps back. And eventually. You're not peeing in the urinal at all. Your back is against the wall. You're peeing on the ground. And you're playing a new game. It's a new game. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

There's a famous, I mean, we can go back in time, but our old company, we knew that somebody, and this is a tech company. This ain't just Circle K. No. This is a nice building. This is a nice facilities. There's lots of very upstanding companies. But there was a person from some company somewhere that everybody knew who that person was.

I mean, they didn't know. Nobody knew who it was. They knew of them. They knew of them because you'd go and you'd know whether they'd been in there or not. It was unbelievable. And you know when they took an off day. You'd go into that bathroom every single day. Every single day.

This nice, pristine bathroom. You'd walk in there and you'd be like yeah i got in before him today because the floor is okay yeah i don't understand and you'd go i mean let's be let's have a conversation here hold on turn off the microphones have you ever gone on the floor just straight on the floor like no just a even just a little bit what like on purpose. No, either way. Well, I mean, I've accidentally. You've had some accident, right? I mean, but no, of course I've never just peed on the floor. No, there is.

It seems like there's a some amount, a percentage of men out there that are into that. That's what I said. They feel like there's no rules and they just do whatever. These are the same people littering. Could it just be a cell phone problem? What do you mean? What do you mean? Could it just be a cell phone problem? What do you mean?

Could it just be they're on their phone and they have no idea where they're going? They just get in the general vicinity of the bathroom and let it go? They let it out and they just play on their phone and they think they're doing okay. If this person is wearing any types of shorts. Hold on. I got to confess something. Oh, no. What?

You've done that? Yes. Wait, did you something. Oh, no. What? You've done that? Yes. Wait, did you just remember something? Yeah. There was one time. You were on a phone. It was within the last month. Is it here?

No, no, it wasn't here. It wasn't here? No, it wasn't here. I don't even remember where it was. It was obviously somewhere that I'm not often there. What happened? I come to the stall. I start

waiting. Is it a stall or a urinal? A urinal. And I'm on my phone and I'm looking at it and I didn't realize how low this urinal was. It was so low. I was on top of it. You were a waterfall onto the ground.

I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn't know. How long did you realize? I didn't know how long did you realize I don't know five seconds and I was like oh my goodness did you visually see it or were you wearing shorts and so

all of a sudden I visually saw it your ankles are getting misty no I didn't somehow it was a perfect like I didn't feel it I was not I was not alerted to it I just went to check in I went to check in and went oh my gosh I'm peeing on the toilet this went from I've never done that to being the worst offender ever so quickly well and then here's the problem I have I can't do anything once it's done

I don't have cleaning supplies I'm'm not going to go. You get out of there. Yes, that's what you do. You zip and run. If you stay there, someone else might know you did that. Could you imagine? Let's just play this out. Okay. I walk into a bathroom, and I see a guy with a bunch of toilet paper cleaning the top of this toilet. I'd be like.

You didn't pee on the top of that, did you? I mean, I don't want to be caught. Oh, I'd get out of there. I would get out. That's happened. That's incredible. Now, here's the thing. Oh, my gosh.

If you never checked in, is it possible you could have finished and left? I think so. I think I would have had no idea. Job lost. I mean, of course, that idea. Flush? John Lewis, Flush. I mean, of course, that's what I... Oh, man. Flush nothing?

Man, that was unbelievable. All right, we are moving on. Man of the people. All right. What are we doing, Al? We surveyed 100 people, and all the answers are on the board. If you get the first answer, it's worth three points. The second answer is worth two points.

Any other answer is worth one point. Oh, my God. That literally happened last time we did this. And the final round is worth double points. All right. Let's kick it off. How many rounds are we doing? Seven rounds.

Seven rounds of Man of the People. I cannot wait to lose. Oh, this is... Okay. I'd rather be spelling. All right, gentlemen. Get ready. Keep your eyes on those buttons Name a place where it would be smart

For a lawyer to advertise Freeway Billboard is the number four answer That's not a very good answer is it Keep an eye on those buttons I'm gonna go Bus That is not on the board

Bus stop. Bus bench. Also not on the board. Bus bench. Mike, three. Three, one. Two. Television.

That is the number three answer. Okay. How is TV not the number one answer? Yeah, TV should really be the number one answer. The number one answer was jail. The number two answer was court. TV, billboard, and hospital. I feel like we really did well considering the top two answer was court tv billboard and i feel like we really did well considering the top two are bogus answers if you are in court my friend it is too late

also where are they going to advertise and if you're in jail are there a bunch of ads in jail that's the next level i haven't been in jail man but I didn't think that there was just a bunch of ads. I'm surprised that those people surveyed are interesting. What's the CPM here for advertising in your jail? That's ridiculous. We did well to get one point. All right. Next question.

Going on to round number two. Name a reason that you would stay inside your house on a Saturday. I buzzed in first. Yes, you did. The reason that I would stay inside is because of bad weather. Bad weather, verbatim, is the number one answer. That's what I was going to go with. All right.

You're sick. Oh, that's the next only good answer you're sick is the number two answer yeah booyah andy you want to try to get one you have three this is when magic happens two come on one your kids you know your kids i got no idea your kids is not on the board. What'd you do on Saturday? Oh, I just kind of stayed home. Did nothing really.

Why'd you do that? You know, my kids. Yeah, that's not bad. Good answer. Good answer. Sleep, nap, tired, number three answer. I was going to say work. Housework was the number five answer.

And then watching TV was the number four answer okay all right we're moving on to round number three other than a job name something for which you would fill out an application you didn't reset the buttons oh oh this is cheating college college is the number three answer it's not good enough i'm gonna go with alone alone is the number two answer number one answer still on the board for you fill out an application yes sir three i know i know it did you say other than a job yes oh shucks i don't know two Two. Magic. Going. One. Magic show. I would like to apply to see your magic show. I'm assuming it's credit card.

Yeah. Credit card is the number one answer. As soon as I said loan. Yeah. And it wasn't it. Yeah. Rental application and insurance being four and five. As soon as you said loan, I knew I didn't have an answer.

All right. Through three rounds, we got Andy at two, Mike at three, Jason at five. I love losing at't have an answer. Alright, through three rounds we got Andy at two, Mike at three, Jason at five. I love losing at this game. Go on. Alright, we're going on to round number four. Name an article of clothing that children are always losing. I'm going to go with shoes.

Shoes is the number two answer. Those are not parents. Socks! Socks is the number one answer. That is, those are not parents. Socks. Socks is the number one answer. Thank you. Had to buy my kid all new socks this morning. What else is kids going to lose? Their glasses?

Oh, the magic. Glasses are not on the board. Oh, really? What? This survey was obviously not done in Arizona. Finishing out the board, we have gloves, hat, and jacket. We have advantages out here. So you traveled, huh, to do these surveys?

I used the internet. Okay. All right. Round number, where are we at? Five? It's not going well. Magic. All right.

If an alien landed at Christmas time, name a Christmas tradition that would be hard to explain. Santa. Coming into your house to deliver presents. The number one answer. Oh, man. That was really easy. Christmas trees in your house. A tree inside your house is the number three answer.

Number three? I'm going to say Christmas lights on your house. Not on your house is the number three answer number three i'm gonna say christmas lights on your house not on the board cool cool that one's easy that one's easy because they're just awesome uh gift exchange was number two caroling and mistletoe uh i almost said caroling too i feel like the aliens would understand the mistletoe i feel like i'm gonna have to start smashing this button before jason that's how it goes, man. And just try to guess. Yes. Did you hear bad weather over here?

Yeah, I had no idea. They gave him 10 seconds. Yeah, thank you. All right, round number six. Before a formal part-time job, name a way that kids earn money. Chores. Chores is the number one answer. You're darn right it is.

Of course it is. What other answer is there? Good luck, suckers. Internship is the number one answer. You're darn right it is. Of course it is. What other answer is there? Good luck, suckers. Internship? Not on the board. Unpaid. Andy is so frustrated. I hate this game.

You're good, Jason. You have three. I hate this game. Two. Lawn mowing. One. Mowing lawns is the number four answer. Okay.

Babysitting being number two. Oh, that's a good answer. And lemonade stand. No one makes money with a lemonade stand. You know, lemonade stands now, they're taking Venmo. I mean, like, genuinely. I've seen a couple. Well, it makes sense.

We don't have, like, cash on us. If they're going Venmo, then it better be a to-go cup filled up with ice. Make it easy for me, too. Have you ever stopped at a children's lemonade stand that was not your own kids? Yes. Yes. What? Not in a car, though.

I stop every time I see one. Not in a car? What? No, like if I see them in the neighborhood, I'll walk down to it if I see it in the neighborhood. On purpose. And these kids don't have like a food handler's card or anything? No, no food handler's card, Mike. Oh, man. Just trying to make 25 have a food handler's card or anything. No, no food handler's card, Mike. Oh, man.

Just trying to make 25 cents. Honestly, usually their lemonade sucks. Yeah. It's not good. They don't know how to make it. Why are you supporting this local business? I'm supporting the children. Yeah.

They are a future. There you go. All right, what round are we at? All right, we are through six rounds, which means this round will be worth double. Double points. Andy, you do have the, which means this round will be worth double. Double points. Andy, you do have the ability to influence who wins this. You do not have the ability to win. Of course not.

Andy has five. Mike has seven. And Jason has 11. Okay. Round number seven. Reset them. Thank you. Tell me something that you would feel before you buy it.

Carpet. Not on the board. Of course it's not on the board. Clothing. Clothing and materials is number two. What? Oh, man. Jason, you have three seconds.

I'm going to feel. Two. Jello. oh man jason you have three seconds uh i'm gonna feel two uh jello is jello is the number one answer yeah no uh furniture it's not on the board uh fruit and vegetables was the number one of course gotta squeeze that candy what about that carpet guys and then pillows linens and bread i've never felt bread but you gotta give the bread a little squeeze do you no real tight one just squish next time no i don't want that one that one's ruined next time you guys go buy carpet i don't want you to feel it do not touch that carpet we've never had this happen but you guys are tied jason and Mike, because Jason got double points. Do you have a backup question? I can look for a bonus round here.

Well, let me say this. I won't participate. I didn't technically, but in the spirit of that first question, I feel like I got the number one answer, considering that jail and court are nonsense. Jail and court were a joke. I challenged that question. All right, well, then we'll do a tiebreaker here.

Yeah. Oh, okay. I surveyed a bunch of people shopping for carpet. What was one of the most important things? Feeling it. Yeah, that's right. I said it first. That's right.

All right, I just got the first one I pulled up here. Name an occupation that might get tired of wearing the same thing every day a doctor doctor is the number two answer shoot that was what i was gonna go with and his face said it was a fire fighter uh that is not on the board yes police officer was that's the one i was thinking of i'll give it to you for that, but you still lost. Mike, congratulations. You are this week's man of the people. Yes, I am.

What a good job considering Magic Show is part of your winning answers. Let's move on. The Spitballers draft. Well, we are here. It is draft time, and we are drafting things that are yellow. A lot of good things that are yellow, Mike. And you get the first pick, so you're certainly going to get the best one. Oh, I am not.

Because there are many things that are yellow when you just think of it. So I'm going to start. I feel like there's a one-on-one here. I'm really surprised. There's definitely a one-on-one for Jason. Maybe. Let's see. Alright, well, I'm going to go with a lemon. Okay, well that was...

That's not on the top list for me. It is yellow. It's truly yellow. Very yellow. It's very naturally yellow. No, truly yellow. Very yellow. It's very yellow. It's very naturally yellow. No, I thought you don't like lemons. No, I like lemons. I don't like lemon desserts.

You like lemonade. I do. It's not a lemon dessert. Okay. So lemons. Lemons, I mean, versatile. Versatile. Very yellow.

Very yellow. Yes, extremely yellow. Okay, I'm on the clock. You are. Pee. I'm taking pee. Wait, that's on the clock? You are. Pee. I'm taking pee. Wait, that's the 101? Yeah, that's the 101.

Of course it is. It's not even always yellow. It is for me, Mike. It is for me. No water here. Have you seen the top of that urinal? Yeah. I mean, come on.

On the spitballers? You're telling me the 101 isn't pee? It wasn't even on the list. It's not on my list. Oh, you fools. No, because you're gross. Yeah, I know. And I'm above that.

Yeah, he's got lemons. I saw Brooks back there shaking his head, yes. He knew. That's the 101. Yeah. I mean, you definitely laid your claim to urine. Yeah. So I've got the pick.

You do. Which means I'm going to take a banana. I mean, banana was the easy 101 for Jason, I assumed. It's your favorite fruit. It is. And you don't even have it because you have pee. That is true. It was a tough call between banana and pee, but I went with pee.

Well, good. Then I get to follow up banana. Oh, my goodness gracious. And take that from you and follow it up with something even far better than a banana, which is cheese. Oh, yeah. Cheese is the goat. That's the number one. Cheese is great.

Cheddar is on my list. Yeah. You know what it is? It's very Gouda. It's awesome. It's cheese. It's yellow. It's great.

Wait. Gouda is. Yeah, it's yellow too, Mike. It is? You betcha. Gouda is a yellow cheese? All the Gouda I eat is yellow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. There's light yellow cheese? All the gouda I eat is yellow. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, there's light yellows and dark yellows and whites. Just like there's white cheddar and yellow cheddar. All right. All right, it's back to you. Now, peas off the board. Dang it. Oh, wait, I have it, so we're good. Yeah.

Okay, so this was... Diarrhea. You guys ever had yellow diarrhea? I'm sorry that we make this show. I'm sorry this exists. Oh, man. If only it was yellow. I'm going to take the sun.

Ooh, good pick, good pick. Way better than pee. Actually. Terrible pick. Well, I know it's white technically but everybody knows the sun is yellow you're taking the stereotypical so wait wait wait i know that technically it's not actually yellow i mean not all lemons are yellow either right that's correct i mean they're certainly not in their entire lifespan so are bananas yeah see so but but

here's here's the truth when when you look at the sun, it's yellow. If we were to go to outer space and look from outer space, okay, it's white. If you drew any of these things on a piece of paper for your kids, what color would you color them? I would color it yellow. Yeah.

As I would the pee, for the record. I would not be drawing like, this is a really hydrated man i just need to point out that scientifically you are not correct i am never correct scientifically mike all right mike you have uh jason has urine in the sun i've got banana and cheese don't mix them and then mike has lemons yes and something else. Now, I am going to go. There's a lot of stuff that's yellow. I'm going to start this off with police tape or caution tape.

Caution tape. You're just a big fan. It's very yellow. Just stay away. And I'm trying to diversify my draft picks here. It's pretty hard to cross caution tape because of how yellow it is. You're not allowed to. Yeah. And then they make it yellow so that they can clearly see this is tape.

Now, is it police tape or is it caution tape? I think it's caution tape. Well, it's police tape if they use it. So, like, I can use it and... Yeah, you can rope off anything you want. And I can say, sir please please don't enter this caution is what you're saying honestly i feel like that shouldn't be sold you know what i mean like right it's too powerful a tool and on top of that no those are the ones that say

police ones say official caution tape you can buy unofficial caution which if it actually says it probably says do not cross but if all if it said was caution tape, I can go in there and just be careful. Yeah, be careful. Have caution. Actually, that kind of tape is what's around like potholes and stuff, whereas crime scene tape, does it say something different on the tape? It probably says police line. It says police line.

Yeah, police line, do not cross, but you can buy it on Amazon. I can buy police tape? Yes, you can. You know, those are fun. Don't do this, but those are fun social experiments in my head because people will obey anything that looks official. Even if I walked up in plain clothes with some police tape and I start taping off an area,

I could probably tape right in between a line that people are in and they'd have to go get in another line because they would just obey it if you had a construction vest on oh that'd be or a suit yeah then people would absolutely be like name tag with a lanyard you'd see a bunch of people just says todd getting all upset and they're like well i'll go around now don't do this but uh you know the next time you're in a restaurant or something and someone treats you rude and has real bad service, just go caution off the front of that building. Just put a little caution tape right there, and then you're good.

Just jokes on them. No more customers. Yeah, I may or may not have seen a YouTube video of somebody just throwing a bike lock on the front two doors of a place. Because they can't do anything about it. See, now that's criminal mischief. That's criminal mischief. All right, Mike, you have lemons and caution tape, but you have to drop another yellow thing.

I have plenty of them on my list. And for this one, I'm going to go. We got to add some cuteness into this draft. No. Wow. Yeah, I don't. I mean, I'm. There's something cute that Andy really wants.

I'm going to go with a duckling. Oh, all right. That's fine. Andy got very worried, but yeah, I mean, little baby ducks. They're very yellow, and they are incredible. I mean, the yellow ones are, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, that makes sense.

So not a rubber ducky, an actual real-life duckling. Yes. People don't keep ducks as pets, do they? Not really. It's not impossible. You feel like ducklings, and then you have to give them back to the world. One of my buddies I grew up with, they had some farmland, they had chickens, and then they had a couple ducks.

Okay. And they were awesome. Really? Yeah. I mean, they take huge dumps. Oh, do they? Really? Oh, yeah. What a show we got here. Is that why they're called ducks? Because it's just big dumps?

No. I don't know if you got a way to shut this guy's mic off. What is that? Somebody give this guy a thing. Do they go on the ground or do they go in the water? They'll do both.

Really? Yes. Sink or swim? Wherever they are. You're asking if the turd sinks or swims? Yes, I am. That part I can't recall. It's probably a sink.

Very dense. All right. I think we've lost Andy. All right. I think we've lost Andy. All right. What is happening? All right, Jason's on the clock. I'm on the clock. Is that why they're called ducks?

Because if I change a couple letters, it sounds like dump. Exactly. You see me. That was your joke. This is the guy that pees on the top of urinals, man. And drafts pee. All right, so I've got pee in the sun. Yeah.

And I'm going to get two more picks here. Well, just one right now. Sure. Oh, man. I'm going to take something that I love, a lot of people hate, but there's no debating its color. Okay. Mustard.

Oh. I think that'll be a popular pick among the Mustardonians. Oh, nice pick. It's Mustardians. Mustardians. Thank you. Thank you. Do you guys like mustard?

I do. I like mustard. Just not as much as you that's fair it took some time i did not like it as a wee lad but it's grown on me now somehow in my head and you correct me if i'm wrong but like dijon mustard i feel like i'm supposed to like more because it's it's fancy it's fancy yeah but like it is a completely different taste than regular mustard 100 you're supposed to like it more because it's fancy, but it's worse. I don't think it's as good.

And a lot of times it has little seeds in it, right? Yeah. What makes it Dijon? What's added in there, Mr. Chef? Well, if you have to know. I do. I think it's like almost, I want to say it's like mayo. There's actually mustard seeds in it or something.

Okay, so what else? I'm trying to figure out what makes it. What is Dijon mustard made of? Mustard. It's mustard seeds. I'll tell you. That's it? It's made with brown or black mustard seeds and white wine. I just feel like the regular mustard is like, that stuff's always smooth.

Yeah, I mean, classic yellow mustard yeah i'm taking yellow mustard that's a good pick all right so urine sun mustard i've got banana and cheese and two picks uh i'm going with pikachu that okay choose the third pick that's the one i thought you were going to sneak i wanted pikachu i thought it'd come back to me. Luckily, it did because of Duckling. So Pikachu, yellow, cute, popular. That's true. Those are three qualities that I wanted to pick. My last one, just trying to figure out whether these ones count. Okay.

Because there are one of them is gold to gold. Gold's not yellow. Or is gold yellow? Gold's yellow. If you drew gold on a piece of paper, you draw yellow. Yeah. Yeah. So can I take gold?

I will let you take gold. I will not. I mean. You're not going to. I can move on. It's not very yellow to say like the actual gold. I'm not going to worry about it. Okay.

I'm going to go with the actual gold i'm not gonna worry about it okay i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with the brick road no that's a yellow brick yeah no no give him gold that was my pick dang it i was all i i knew nobody would yeah the yellow road i'm taking the brick road darn it that's a great pick that's Great. That's way better than gold. All right. Yeah. I was just kidding about gold. If you want gold Jay it's there for you. Yeah. Yeah. You will allow it. No I've got I've got plenty of other things on my list. I'm just trying to decide what's the best one. Man I really want a yellow brick road. I'm not going to lie to you guys. That was going to set you up. Man, I sniped it. Pretty devastating.

I think even though there's something I like much better on my list, I'm going to go with the classic here, the super yellow, incredibly quintessential school bus. I don't mind that pick at all. It's on my list. Actually, I think it's a great pick. It's iconic. Yeah. If you were drawing a picture of a town, you need to draw a school bus. I don't mind that pick at all. It's on my list. Actually, I think it's a great pick. It's iconic. Yeah.

If you were drawing a picture of a town, you need to draw a school bus in there. Did any of you ever ride the school bus? Yes. A handful of times, but not regularly. Yeah. I rode the bus a lot. Interesting. What was that like?

Was it a good time? No. Okay. I've always heard bad things. Don't you remember my tales? I thought I had told the story of when I was in junior high and we rode the bus. And it's a real chicken or egg situation now that I'm an adult and I can look back. Our bus driver was as crotchety and cranky as it possibly gets. Impossible not to be.

And you're like, well, did that happen? Was this person always this way? Or was it because of all the hooligans on the bus who are throwing scissors out the windows at people? Yeah. As well as other objects. It was a mix. It was a mix.

So, yeah, the bus, and it's Arizona, and it's just, it was unpleasant. All right, so I finished with Banana Cheese, Pikachu, and Yellow Brick Road. Jason got Urine, Sun, Mustard, School Bus. Mike, you have a lemon, caution tape, a little yellow duckling, and one final pick. All right, we're going to close it with emojis. It was on the list. Yeah. It was on the list. It wasn't on my list. That's a good one, though. It was that or the Brick Road emojis. It was on the list. Yeah. It was on the list.

It wasn't on my list. That's a good one, though. It was that or the brick road, man. That was good. I like that pic. The yellow face. Yeah. They're all yellow.

Which I imagine that's, did that start because of just the original yellow? Yeah, the happy face. Yeah. The classic happy face. I think that's where, that was like the original emoji before these existed. I had pineapple on the list. Of course. I thought Mike would go pineapple.

I got Big Bird on the list. Big Bird is on my list. Minions. Hmm. Okay. That's good answer. I wasn't sure if honey was yellow. I don't think we're ever going to do a draft for that.

We can do things that are gold. There's honey. There's gold. And gold. And gold. Now, that's all I had left on my list. You guys got good pick. I have banana runts, which I felt like I couldn't take cause bananas were taken.

Um, egg yolk, egg yolk. He's got something different. Homer Simpson. Oh, that was a great pick. You didn't take post-it notes. And the one that I said that I liked the most. Post-it notes is good, too. Corn on the cob. Yeah.

Yeah. It's on, you guys have listed most. Or off the cob. It's also yellow. Most everything. But I had this one on here for Brooksy. A submarine. Absolutely.

That's a good one. But there's only really one. Actually, two yellow submarines because the Disneyland ones are pretty yellow. Last time I remember. What did we learn today? Oh, man. I learned that Jason is the pisser. I learned, yeah, don't pee while distracted.

That was on my list. Yeah. I learned that you can be called a theft. Yeah. Andy, let me ask you this. Yeah. So the person at the building was never caught? Never caught.

Are you now at this point 100% sure it wasn't Jason the whole time? I am not. Jason's very distractible, and now I'm worried. It could have been, and he may not have even known. He could have been completely unaware. And then after he would get done, at the end, he would look down and go, he was just here. So you're telling me that when I would have that experience of going in and say,

he hasn't been here yet today, that was always my first trip into the bathroom. That was always your first trip. Then the second trip, oh, he came between when I was here. Or he snuck in while I was going your first trip. Then the second trip. Yes. Oh, he came between when I was here. Or he snuck in while I was going to the bathroom. All right, everybody. Put your phones away when you use the restroom. That's the message for today. For Al Borland, Jesse Amati, and the three of us, goodbye.

Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.