Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 252: Secret Rooms & Underrated Foods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Today we discuss residential fire poles, becoming a house pet, and giving motivational speeches to your bowel movements. We also muse on food pairings that rhyme, becoming tour guides, and personal company sponsorships. We shut it down with a draft of underrated foods. Don’t miss it! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Just a nice slice of vanilla right there. I was just feeling the music, Mike. Just feeling the music. Sometimes for you listeners out there, you spitballers fans, sometimes Jason attempts to conjure up a great scat by moving his body as much as possible right before the scat.

He's trying to jostle it free. Yeah, I'm just shaking it out of my body. And that was a top ten amount of movement before a scat that I've seen. Yeah, probably a top 10 scat. I mean, if we're honest, that was... Well, Mike said a scoop of vanilla. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty underrated, right? It can be, but this was... I mean, this is like a vanilla that's been in the deep freezer for... Oh, no, it's got freezer burn? An incessant amount of time that the lid never made back on properly. I don't really understand freezer burn. Does anybody want to to explain that to you it's so cold that it's burnt no i get what you're saying i don't understand because why does it hit a point where it's just like i've had enough cold i'm ruined yeah and what is it like is it sucking the extra moisture

out and then i assume it has something to do with that. Like the tiny water molecules. Why would it happen eventually, but it doesn't happen? You can't get freezer burn in the first month in the freezer? No. I mean, we really need to solve this problem. And it's not really burning either. That's what I'm saying. It's more like freezing.

I'm diving into this. We got to shut this show down. Would you rather? That's a I'm saying. It's more like freezing. I'm diving into this. We got to shut this show down. Would you rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting underrated foods on today's episode of the show. Al Borland is here in the building. He didn't even have to scat when it was Jason's turn. How are you doing, Al?

I'm doing great. Yeah. Mainly because I didn't have to scat. Nice. You've only got like 70-something to go, though. That's right. The countdown begins. Probably feel the pressure.

According to delish.com, freezer burn is what happens when the surface of your food loses its moisture. So it needs moisture. Yeah, because it's like the invisible, the barrier is protecting it. Have you done the, like, it's freezer burn, but I'm eating it anyway? Oh, yeah. Well, it's just extra little ice cubes. Yeah, exactly.

It's not good, though. I mean, it's so bad. I don't think I've ever had Eggos that didn't just have a ton of- That weren't freezer burn? Yeah, like every time I get Eggos out of the freezer, I got to knock them together and just get all the ice off. When they say Lego my Eggo, you're talking to the freezer. That's right. I'm talking to the ice all over my Eggos.

I'm like, Lego. Yeah, fair enough. All right, let's kick it off. Would you rather dan from patreon says would you rather live in a house that was converted from a bank so it comes with your own private vault okay that's pretty sweet or a house that was converted from a firehouse so it comes with a fire pole from the master bedroom to the kitchen that's pretty cool too, too. Oh, that soup's cool. It's kind of an ironic question because I was searching the internet for Murphy beds.

Okay, you know what a Murphy bed is? Oh, yeah. So they're the hidden beds that are up in like a, they can look like a bookshelf or just a cabinet, and they just drop out of the wall. But somehow, people that make Murphy beds also specialize in making secret passageway doors nice so bookshelf doors that are it looks like it's a secret door and i was like i really wish i had a secret room in my house yeah me too just to go i don't i don't know hide in there or like it's just cool to have i mean if robbers were there i mean let's get in

that's more like you need a panic room for that yeah but if you're in there and you're quiet they're not fine yeah i feel like this is better than a panic room a panic room it never makes sense to me because i feel like they just they just wait up wait outside just wait out the door you know i'm in here just yeah but the whole point of the panic room is like it's your number one the walls are protecting you you have like air uh a way to keep the air clean true and then you're you have a way to contact someone to come and help you so i mean they can wait you out but hopefully the authorities are going to show up it doesn't need to be that sophisticated because the panic room is only great if they're coming to murder you because they're coming for you if if they're coming to steal your stuff and i'm just hiding

out in this little side room but they don't care if someone breaks into your house yeah how do you clarify good question if this intruder is coming for you or your stuff it's very simple do you just do you write them a quick note no like the with the check boxes if they try to break into your secret room they're trying to murder you oh if they just try to take your stuff they're not going to be like i gotta get in there so you're not asking you're just getting in the secret room and then you're hoping you hear them start taking stuff correct but if not you hear them go where is he go, I wish I had a panic room. Please don't find this. This room without a lock will do no good. Yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, anyways, it just made me want to have a secret room, which, look, a bank vault. A bank vault's not exactly a secret room. Can you lock yourself in a bank vault by accident? Yes. I don't think so, no. No? No, I would imagine that from the inside.

Did we figure that out? From the inside of a bank vault, I'm sure the door will just open. A bank vault would make me feel a lot of... I'm on it. Gotta find out. It would make me feel a lot of pressure to convert all of my possessions into gold.

Yeah. To keep inside the vault. You need to have that sweet fiat. Yeah. I think I wouldn't be able to go hang out in there, though. Right? I mean, it's just a big safe. It depends on what you do with the room.

I mean, you could make it your sweet hidden theater. I would be more tempted to become a murderer if i had a bank vault because you have a place to hide the bodies oh yeah i don't think the bodies are going to do well in the vault it'd be a cold vault cold vault it does it does seem like all modern vaults allow you to escape from the inside that's great news if it opens from the inside it will alert authorities oh so someone like if they hit in a money bag and he got and you threw him in the in the vault and they came out of the money bag they trojan horsed their way yeah that's that's probably a smart thing to do yeah i mean i the

fire pole is the fire pole is good but i will outgrow the ability to do that without hurting myself. My issue with the fire pole is that it insinuates I have a two-story house. Yeah, you have to. And I would prefer to have a one-story house. Okay. I would imagine if I have a bank vault, I've got a nice big one-story house. Maybe. You might have a basement. Can I get into the basement through a fire pole into the bank vault?

Batman did. Yeah. Batman would get his clothes changed on the way down the pole. That's true. And I never knew how that happened. Don't ask questions, man. Just allow it to happen. The suit just got a hole at the top.

Did you ever watch the Adam West Batman? Oh, yeah. Okay. So the phone, the phone would ring, and he'd jump on that thing, and he'd just – someone dressed him on the way down. And it worked. Was Alfred in there? It worked both directions.

I don't know if he ever – Oh, he took his clothes to normal? I don't know if he ever caught one of those episodes, but every once in a while they would – He would climb up the pole? No. It would, like, rocket boost him back up, but then he would be Adam West when he came out.

Wow. Or not Adam West. Bruce Wayne. he would be Adam West when he came out. Wow. Or not Adam West, Bruce Wayne. Technically he was, yes, Adam West. So the fire pole, I don't know, man.

People coming in my master bedroom just to use it, like guests and kids. Or climbing up into it. That's true. Those robbers, those murderers. You've got a hole in the floor. I'm coming for for you you've got a hole in the floor of your master bedroom yeah that that's a problem seems like a problem yeah although put the laundry basket down below yeah oh laundry shoot laundry shoot in the kitchen that's where you want all your dirty

laundry does go to the kitchen doesn't it yeah well it would probably go to the garage right well no because this question is that you have a fire pole going to your kitchen you think that i'm gonna buy a firehouse and have a fire pole and i don't have a fire truck get out of here what you're just gonna become like a pretend fireman no but i will become a very shrewd businessman. You know what? They have those people. Have you seen the police impersonators that like they'll wear a uniform and they'll go out on like a bike and, you know, pretend to be the police. I've never seen a pretend firefighter. That's super illegal, by the way. Yeah.

If you showed up to a fire. Oh, yeah. You're telling me they don't want the extra help. Don't worry, guys. I got this. I mean, you just run in there. Is that considered a vigilante as well? I mean, I feel like if it's a burning building, what are they going to do?

Go in after you? Well, they'll probably have to rescue you soon since you don't know what you're doing. And you'll be like, oh, this is awful. Can someone give me a real fireman? You should have like two little water guns. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh someone give me a real fireman? You should have like two little water guns. Oh yeah, you pull them out. At least super soakers, you know?

Oh my gosh. You're ignoring the captain? The fire captain? Of course. You're not my boss. Oh my god. What if you're just driving around the truck just for that clout? And you can go through red lights.

If you could genuinely buy emergency vehicles for personal use, would you drive around in an ambulance where you could be like, boop? There's no way. It's not illegal to buy an old firefighter suit. It's not illegal to buy an old fireer suit. It's not illegal to buy an old fire truck. Those two things you can do. You can't turn the sirens on. I don't know if you could have flashing lights.

Maybe. Probably not. Probably not. I'm sure they frown upon that. But, I mean, the respect you'd get. Yeah, it'd be nice. The fire truck wouldn't work, but if you had an ambulance, imagine rolling up to a packed drive-thru.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Oh, man. You got to get out of the way. The emergency vehicle needs to get through. You know what I would do? Just pull up and grab your burgers. There is no way if I'm in a drive-thru. None.

I'm sitting at the window. What? And there's an ambulance with their lights on behind me. You're not getting out of the way? Of course I am once I get my burger, but I'm not leaving before that. People are getting out of the way for sure. I'll be the first firefighter

that is putting cats into trees. I'm going the opposite. I'm getting rid of our cat problem. They're all going up in the trees. So you're just taking cats and tossing them. No, I'm taking them up on the ladder. Oh, that's kind. I would have just thrown They would have caught on. No, I'm taking them up on the ladder. Oh, that's kind. I would have just thrown.

They would have caught on. No, I don't know about that. Yeah, I think they'll catch. They'll catch. Thomas from the website, would you rather be. Oh, what? Did we pick? Oh.

After all that talk, I still want the fire pole. All right. Because. I guess we should answer the question. It is practical and serves a cool feature i have nothing to put in a bank vault yeah cats um i'm taking the fire it's more fun yeah i agree with it shall i move on yeah now you may uh wait it is illegal to impersonate a firefighter wow wow but why i don't don't know, man. It makes no sense.

If I am wearing the outfit but not saying anything, am I impersonating? Yeah, I wonder what you have to do. If I don't claim, I'm Ted. 364 days a year, yes. Okay.

Which day can I not do it? Halloween. Come on, guys. Keep up up stupid guy thomas from the website would you rather be a house dog with all its luxuries or a wild wolf with all its freedom i'm wolfing out bro come on man wolf yeah final answer that one's easy i didn't hear the question house dog with the luxuries or wild wolf with the freedom? Oh, that is easy. I'm a house dog. Yeah, we know Jason's answer. Jason's a house dog.

Get his belly rubbed. For sure. Feed me, rub me. I get to, I mean. Feed me, rub me could be the name of like your biography. Yes. The Jason Moore story. Feed me, rub me.

Rub me. I don't know that I need much more than that. And whatever more I do need, I can do it as a dog. So we're good, fam. Yeah. People have said that for years. Like, oh, I'm just jealous of the dog. But imagine you're one of the dogs that gets crated for sleeping.

You get crated when your owners leave. I mean, that sounds like that would suck. Oh, I'm not a crated for sleeping you get crated when your your owners leave i mean that sounds like that would suck oh i'm not i'm not a crated dog you don't get to know this question said all the like luxuries that come with it right yeah yeah that's not a luxury jason has long wanted to poop anywhere he wanted yeah oh you cannot do that get your face shoved in it oh yeah i mean out of curiosity would you be the dog that does the one leg up? For sure. Or are you the dog that does the squat? The squat.

Which my dog still does the squat. My little dog does both. She squats and lifts a leg up. It looks real weird. Lady dog? She? Is she impersonating other dogs with the leg up? Is that you?

Did you train her? No, I didn't train her. I wish I could have trained her because she still likes doing that inside. Oh, boy. I have two dogs. I got the lady dog and the boy dog. It seems like the leg lifting is like they have to see it because my boy dog, he doesn't even squat.

He just goes somewhere and then he just stands there. Oh, does he get his leg? Does he get his leg? Oh, probably. My boy dog, he doesn't even squat. He just goes somewhere and then he just stands there. And then just power stream. Oh, does he get his leg? Oh, probably. Yeah, see, that's the problem with the squat. You get extra splash on the fur? Yeah. Even in grass?

I feel like they're not grasses better. Yeah, it's not going to, you know, if they were doing it on cement, it's more splash. It's more like shooting the front legs. Shooting the front legs? I'm talking about the P squat, not the poo squat. Oh yeah, we're with you. I just can't see it going to those front legs.

Oh, it goes to the front legs, brother. Okay. That's a power washer there. Copper's got to stream. Alright. Wolf, wolf, strong. Wolf, wolf, dog. Jack from the website.

Would you rather put your hands up and say, whee, like you're on a roller coaster every time you use a public urinal? So both hands have to be up? I could do it. Of course you could do it, but that's going to. That's a real dog squat problem. Of course you can do it, but that's a real dog squat problem. Or have to coax out your bowel movements with an out loud motivational speech every time you're in a public stall?

Al Borland, where did this question come from? Apparently Jack. Okay. Come on, little guy. Come on out of there. I can get behind the motivational speech for two reasons. One, I don't poop in public too often. If I can avoid it, I do.

The only time I really can't avoid it is when you're on a trip or something, and so you got to do what you got to do. But you could do anything on the inside of a stall. You know what I mean? You have privacy. Yeah, someone else out there might hear you and you might you're fully anonymous but you're anonymous you could do anything you want in there and just wait a while except for the the big crack between the door gap yeah well you think the person's walking up and going like hey who's in there i think if i heard someone

getting a real rousing inspirational speech i may have to see what's going on in there? I think if I heard someone getting a real rousing inspirational speech, I may have to see what's going on in there. I think it gets you out of that restroom quicker. But I use a urinal all the time. I mean, every single time I go to a restaurant or- Have you thought about getting one put in at your house? Just so I can go, wee! Why aren't house urinals more normal because they're gross are they yes

i think they're awesome oh they're they're super convenient yeah they're great when you need to get in and out but they are there any like countries that like have a high urinal count in the in the homes in the homes i doubt it you know how like how in Japan they had bidets before they were cool? Everybody had a bidet. Yeah. There's got to be some urinal country. I will say this. Uruguay?

Oh. Good urinal joke. Oh, yeah. We're above that. You're on the spitballers. Is that why I call it a duck? Mine was way better. Anyways, a couple years ago ago we were looking to move and when

i was looking at potential houses that came on the market there was a house that had a urinal in the bathroom i'd never seen that before and i remember then thinking i want to put a urinal in my bathroom, but I never did. It's the whole story. I'm sorry, bro. It sounds like the dream, but I'm telling you, it's gross. They stink. I would keep mine pristine. A little spritz cleaning after every single time?

That would be terrible. You're right, because you'd have to get those little urinal cakes that go in there and those things they smell like flowery urine they're made for public public urination just put a trough in your house I'm going to go wee because I think I can get a laugh

I think I can get a laugh oh my gosh you can get gasps with your arms up if I walked in and someone had their arms up, I would go, and then I go, right? You better be wearing short shirts, my man. Your belly better be out or you're walking away soaked. And a really wide stance, too.

I'd get a new selection of shorts. That would be built for that situation. All right. Really wide stance, too. I'd get a new selection of shorts. That would be built for that situation. All right. What are you guys going with? The bowel movement? I'm going bowel speech. Yeah. You can't go two hands up.

You just can't. You just can't. All right. Ty from the website. Would you rather have a real-life version of Rocket League or Mario Kart? See, the thing is, the answer is easily Mario Kart by like a million percent. Because we're constrained to our cars right now. So for those listening that don't know, Rocket League is, you probably know,

but it's a video game where you're in you're in a fast car and you there's a huge soccer ball and it's literally soccer with cars yeah and it's on a small arena and you're flying around because you got boosts and you can jump and fly around if that was real there would be so much vomit everywhere the disorientation the flipping the turning around like maybe mario kart magical world normal racing like we understand normal races power-ups that would be painful potentially yeah like getting hit by a red shell yeah yeah uh there are the big cool jumps and they give you the like uh the parachute or the uh in the newer ones yeah I mean how do you not want to be in the Mario world and I love Rocket League it's

like my favorite game yeah I I think you're right. At first, I was like, well, what about when you go off the sides? But you get rescued. You get pulled back up by the cloud. Oh, yeah. The cloud. You would know this name. Oh.

It's on the tip of my tongue. Yeah, I don't have it. But I imagine that the falling down, it's still going to hurt. I don't know. They all seem fine. Yeah. I've never heard them say ow. Does the Mario...

Yeah. Lucky two's cloud. Yeah, okay. That sounds right. Now, does he catch you? Who? The cloud man. Yeah.

So he catches you before you hit the ground. Sometimes you go down into a mist and then you get pulled up out of it. Yeah, I imagine you never hit the ground. You could be tortured down there. I don't know. That's what I'm asking. What's happening down there? You're just falling until you're grabbed. Who's your go-to character in that game? Oh, Yoshi. Yoshi's yours? Yeah.

I've always been a Wario guy. Oh, you like the speed, huh? I guess. Toad for me. I get that. Nice, tight handling. Not a lot of skidding around. But you're getting killed by the big boys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if they run into you.

The big boys are so slow. Well, their acceleration is slow, but they have top speed. Rocket League would just be a mess. I mean, it would be like, but people do fighter jets and stuff like that. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's... I don't know how people do fighter jets. I've seen real-life Rocket League before.

They've done it. Like almost like a demolition derby with a ball? Yeah, with a big ball in the middle. Speaking of, where are demolition derbies? Yeah, those are awesome. Bring those back. Are they still going on? There have to be places where they're still going on.

Everyone from that whole... They all died out. Dude, it sounds like so much fun just getting a beater and then try and crash into people the problem is awesome the problem is you're getting in non-stop car accidents yeah it's all right bad for your health i mean i obviously you're gonna be prepared for it yeah these aren't like real high speed crashes you're telling me if you could do a demolition derby, you wouldn't do it? I would do it.

Yeah. I would love to do it. 100% I would do that. Yeah. I wonder if that's kind of like concussions in the NFL. They stopped doing that because it was like overtly terrible for people. Maybe. I mean, a lot of driving around backwards.

They don't let us opt in to as many painful things as they used to. People used to do all sorts of stuff. Like what? I don't know. Like kill each other in gladiator arenas. Oh, yeah. It's been some time since that was allowed. When do we get the right to hurt ourselves is all I'm asking.

Well, I mean, it's like there was an MTV show that people got a lot of money to go do. Okay. Okay. We're moving on. That's a great question. We'll find out if that's a great question. Will from Patreon writes in and says, if you had to

spend a day working as a guide for a big tourist attraction where do you have the best odds of giving a quality tour we teamed up of course we're disneyland i mean we know everything about anywhere you need to be yeah i've got the answers to all of your questions. I mean, I could... Actual answers. Yes, and like the right ones, the correct ones. We've been there a million times. My son, I'll just have him be the tour guide. He knows way too much.

No one should know that much about Disney and the parks and the rides and the attractions. He's giving you all the fun facts? Oh, well, no, no, no. He's giving me all the non-fun facts. He's giving you all the fun facts? Oh, well, no, no, no. He's giving me all the non-fun facts, even. He's just giving me facts on facts. Did you know the guy that designed that ride was born on the 4th of November? Oh, he knows the manufacturing companies of these coasters. It's ridiculous.

This question is kind of tough because the only way that you would... This is chosen by what you visit the most. The only way that you would, this is chosen by what you visit the most. And a lot of times you rotate vacation spots except for a place like Disneyland. So I haven't gone anywhere enough to where I feel like I'd be able to fake it. That's what I was going to say. That would be fun. You can just bull crap your way through it.

That's the only thing you lose with the Disneyland. You actually have answers. Is there a place you could go that would be, that you could bullrap your way through it? Like a museum, Jason, that I know you love? I could do that anywhere. Anywhere. I could do like a cave. Like if it's dark? Well, no. Like no one can see? Have you ever done a tour of a cave?

No. So this is how it goes. A good time? Wait, you do cave tours? Yeah. Dude, caves can be super awesome. but you go in the cave and i mean everything that usually there's a lot of uh like cool lighting and stuff that they put in there and then there are areas around the cave and they name them for kind of what they look like so you could do that oh yeah you just you just make up silly names horseshoe corner over there that is exactly what they do.

The one I remember was, we called this the Fish Market, because there's like eight rocks all next to each other, similar in size, and they're up in the air, hanging up there like they're fish. I'm like, okay, so this is what you do, cave people? So I think we could all do that job real easy. Okay. Also, go visit a cave guys there's cool stuff and you know like there's spiders in caves uh and i only feel that way

because there's definitely spiders in every cave maybe but do you know this about caves they're very cold oh really very very cold. All right. Tell me more. That sounds very nice. All the time. We were- Never hot. Just always cold. Al Borland and our families went to Las Vegas, and there was a place there that was like

a little bar that was an ice room. The whole place was just made of ice okay the seats were ice the walls were ice you're in a refrigerator your cups are ice and you were sweaty it was glorious oh it was so great they give you this giant parka and these gloves you took those off oh i never put them on i was in there having jason was shirtless for part of the time i'm no joke yeah it's it is true um but it was i i mean al how happy was i in that room i have never seen him so giddy genuine joy for being in that freezing box there is something wrong with me i recognize that that, but I love it.

And the irony is you live in the hottest state in the world. Yeah. You were born for Siberia. I've always thought that about you. I would love to go to Siberia. Sounds like a beautiful place. It's not a popular tourist destination. I think when you got there, you'd say you've made a mistake.

Maybe. Maybe. All right. Diego from Twitter. If you each could choose the most appropriate company sponsor for your life, which company would it be and why? And Jason's already laughing. Do you have an answer? Oh, he's laughing because we got a picture here. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. We didn't need that. You're in a public place yes he's just wearing shorts just shorts in a public igloo so they they don't have the no shirt no shoes no service rule apparently they did not Mike. What's the sponsor of your life? Apparently this ice cave hotel thing for Jason. Man. Company sponsor for your life. Which company would it be and why?

It's tough because I want it to encapsulate me. Right. Not just one thing I like. We could all pick a sponsor. I was like, man, Tesla because I like this right but I feel like it needs to encapsulate more than that okay maybe it's the the like

tagline that goes with the company well then I'm like a good name yeah baby I got a McDonald's is your sponsor yeah I mean you said it's got to represent me and that the tagline works so I mean mcdonald's baby like a good neighbor oh that works for you are you good not for mike oh no like a bad neighbor

or shut your mouth please yeah oh we're just the greatest neighbor of all time you never see me never hear from me yeah that's a good neighbor to some people yes if the if if they interviewed all your neighborhood right now like let's say you killed somebody sure and then they always walk around the neighborhood and they're always like what do you think of that guy there wouldn't be anybody to say like oh he's just a normal guy i saw him out there mowing his lawn like would they just say they don't even know someone lives there yeah they would say who is that i've never seen this man a day in my life. They would say he didn't live on this street.

It was just a woman and her kids. You're in the wrong spot. Oh, my goodness. And so, sorry, for this ice cave, you're wearing a parka. Your wife's wearing a parka, Al. Jason's wife's wearing a parka. Jason has no top on. I don't understand this temperature situation.

What was the temperature in there? Was it actually cold, Al? Oh, it was freezing. They're wearing big jackets. I mean, literally everything, the walls and everything are made of ice, so it has to be below freezing. Yeah, otherwise it'll melt. Okay, all right. I want to go back. Oh, that'll melt. Okay.

All right. I want to go back. Oh, that's all. I can't think of a good sponsor. Jason's got McDonald's on lock. I'll just go Baskin Robbins. What am I talking about? That works for me. I think that's the spirit of it.

Brooks would be probably Post-it notes. Okay. Okay. I was thinking. Or Little Caesars, pizza, pizza. Yeah. There you go. Little Caesars?

Just because that's their slogan, or was back in. Would yours be Ikea? Maybe it's been a while. Definitely not. Brooks, maybe Home Depot or something. Yeah. When's the last time you had Little Caesars? When's the last time anyone in this room had Little Caesars?

I've actually had within a year. Last week. Last week? Last week, yep. You got yourself a hot and fresh pie? Yeah, well, they got this six and slices combo that's perfect for two people. Tell me more. This sounds like a built-in sponsorship.

Yeah, yeah. Four slices of za and cheese bread. The bigger thing is, so you're telling me that there's Little Caesars around us? Oh, yeah. This is what I was going to say. They're the most secretly successful business ever because- I can't can't tell you where a single one is yeah there's but there's one five minutes from you there is right now at all times no matter where you go we went there when it was like oh we should get some pizza to go to our friend's house and it was like i just walk in and grab some

pizzas off of this shelf and you walk out yeah and it's but how did you find it it's a good question i don't know where they are i don't think anyone knows they're everywhere mike i'm so confused i kind of know what mike's talking about though because i feel like they don't advertise anymore do they yeah they they have very funny commercials actually there are i'm just looking right now because I didn't know where one is. There are three right next to us. That's impossible. And they don't deliver, right? It's only you got to come get it?

Yeah, I think they're pickup only. Brooks, you would know. This is your sponsor of your life. I pick it up, so I'm not sure if they do offer. I feel like there's a lot of pizza places now that are just not, they don't offer their own delivery anymore. They just, they contract out to DoorDash. Yeah, I can see that.

It's hard to hire people. Yeah. Well, I like. Why do it? When DoorDash does it? Yeah. Well, you lose money to DoorDash. No, you don't.

You double your prices. Oh. Because that's what everyone, I mean, that is, these restaurants that are like, yeah, we'll use your DoorDash. This $10 item is now $18. It's true. It's true. Do you want to know why, Jay?

Supply demand. Oh, I'm buying it. Yeah, that's why. I mean, I'm still buying the $18 item. You're 100% right. I'm just upset about it. They should just save me money. Wow.

Okay. Mike, did you get a sponsor? I did not. Some sunglass company to hide your eyes from the public. Ooh, okay. You know? Okay. Fender.

Fender. Yeah. For the guitars. Yeah. I do like a good Fender. Handsome Fancy Beard Oil? Ooh. If they were back in business

maybe penny from patreon if you had to eat all of your meals in rhyme peas and cheese ham and jam what would be your go-to pairing these well are great questions these are very difficult questions um candy and brandy oh very nice i got mine out of the way boy that's a party that's a not a dinner but i mean uh no your meals i mean okay all your meals that's not a meal either but so burger i can't find trying to find um yeah that's where you got to go like uh patty no that didn't help. Can I go steak and bake in? Is that allowed? Well, I'll allow it.

Thank you. Uh, I'm going to go burritos and Fritos, fellas. Oh, delicious. Okay. All right. Al, you got anything for contention here? Uh, I had jotted down turkey and jerky or wine and swine. Oh. Oh, swine is good. That gives you a whole gamut.

I can see Brooks over here. I like some good swine. He is sweating trying to rhyme pizza. He's like, how can I rhyme pizza? There's nothing. What did you say? Is that why they call them ducks? He said pizza.

Pizza. Yeah, you eat some feet. They sell cow's feet, right? Not cow's feet. You could have gone Jason and just said pizza and meatza. Feetza. Yeah, eat some feet. They sell cow's feet, right? Not cow's feet. You could have gone Jason and just had pizza and meatza. Oh, that would have been way better. Mistakes were made. All right.

Do we have time for one more or are we moving on? Let's do one more. All right. This question comes in from Madison on the website. If all your past and present pets started group text conversations about you, what would they say? Great things. Oh, mine would say,

they didn't want me. They didn't want me either. They could see it, huh? I mean, like literally, you know, at some point in time, we gave them to someone else. I feel like... We didn't wait them out to die.

We got rid of that part of the whole pet experience. I feel like the older animals would really be trying to encourage the younger animals to figure out potty training. They'd be like, dude, dude, you got to stop. You got to stop with this. They're saying this about... So your potty training, Jason, is... Wait, you've had a puppy for like two years.

Oh, he's not a puppy anymore. Yeah. And she's still... She's a monster monster and she's still uh that's what she is pooping on the pillows i've heard oh wherever she wants wherever and here's what i've never caught her once never she knows she's a ninja she knows a hundred percent what she's doing and where she's supposed to go. And sometimes I'll come in. I'll walk inside my house. And there's Pepper. She's so excited to see me.

And sometimes I walk in my house and she sees me. She goes, she hides. She hides. She's like, oh, no, he came back. So Pepper would be texting your other pets and saying, like, you can take a dump wherever you want. It's great. They'd be fighting about whether or not you're allowed to dump in the house. Maybe she learned behaviors.

Uh-oh. You're kind of free with your body. It's my boys. My boys, they just go wherever they want. Oh, man. Oh, man. Mike, what would your pet say? This is the best person of all time.

What a human. What a human. He talks to me. Yeah. Very social. Incredible human. Small talker? With the dogs?

No, big talk. The dogs get big talk. Oh, like philosophical stuff? Yeah. Yeah. We've been through the meaning of life. What if Mike was the most talkative person you've ever met, and it's only to animals?

No, this is the most talking you get from me is this. Somehow my job is talking. Yeah, that's weird. It's super weird, and then- You're all talked at. And by the time I get home, my family's like, wanted to talk to me. I'm out.

I've already did that. I do that for a living, and now I rest. Wanted to talk to me. I'm out. I already did that. I do that for a living. And now I rest. The Spitballers Draft. Well, that beautiful scat at the top of the show, Jason, got you the first pick in today's draft we are selecting underrated foods there are foods out there you gotta build your list real quick well i did just add one to it because i thought i knew what i was taking with

my first pick okay this wasn't on my list but after the opening scat i realized that vanilla ice cream is super underrated nobody thinks like i want vanilla you know what i mean andy does if you go to cold stone i am not getting no i will not order it no nobody gets vanilla but you know what i have done genuinely i've ordered different flavors and when i am eating them i've thought i wish this was just vanilla. Of course you do. Because you make a mistake, because you know the good that you get.

Vanilla is great, but it's because, I mean, literally, we use the word now to mean boring. Yeah. It's so vanilla. It's plain. Yeah. It's not plain, but yes, I know what you're saying. That's what we, when we call something vanilla, we're saying it's plain.'s plain but well the reason i'm saying it's not plain is because i learned a lesson in my teenage years that blew my mind i had had vanilla yogurt many many many times

and then one day i had plain yogurt ah yes and i was like it tastes like no it is not vanilla. Plain yogurt is disgusting. It tastes like vomit. It's awful. Plain. I mean, I always thought vanilla was plain. Nope. No, plain yogurt exists. It is spoiled milk is what it tastes like.

I hope there is no such thing as plain ice cream. It's a good pick, and I didn't think of drafting it. This is a weird draft because there's like a million choices. Oh, yeah, and it's all kind of in the eye of the beholder here. So what I'm going to do is I think there are some things that get retired because you have them as kids, and then they're just not acceptable to be a normal part of your life. So this is like kids' menu stuff?

Well, one thing jumped out to me that I think it's underrated because it's not a regular adult meal and it's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches oh okay i think they're underrated when's the last time you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich uh last week yesterday for me yeah wow wow yeah i mean it's like i'm at like a month ago i mean yes all. What's wrong with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Nothing. What we will do as a society is we will go eat something equally not nutritious that is considered an adult food instead of eating what is good for you, that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or peanut butter and honey, or peanut butter and banana, just a peanut butter and something sandwich.

Don't eat it as just plain peanut butter. It sounds too basic. You're like, I can't eat this. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Fellas. Or maybe two of them. This is going to be a wild statement, including the company I am sitting in front of.

A month ago, I had to take my boy to a flag football tournament, and one of the foods that they always recommend either the night before or day of is just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it'll fill you up. Protein carbs. It's got protein. It's got some carbs, and it'll sit nice. It won't bother your stomach.

I had never, ever had an Uncrustable. Never. Oh, man. And we grabbed a box of grape jelly, which you just let thaw out in the car. I'm a strawberry jelly guy. But, yeah, so we bring them, and I'm kind of handing them out to the kids. I'm getting a little hungry. I'm like, okay, fine.

I'm here to... Holy... Guys. Yeah. Delicious. Yeah. Super delicious. Holy Christ. Guys. Yeah. Delicious. Yeah. Super delicious. They're so good.

Did you end up having more than one? Oh, you're darn right I did. I was hungry. They're fantastic, and they're just ready to go. I didn't have to do anything. You got to let them thaw for a little bit. Yeah, that's fine. No, you don't.

I was going to say, I've had them frozen. Right out the freezer. They're delicious. Wait. Oh, he's fine. No, you don't. I was going to say, I've had them frozen. Right out the freezer. They're delicious. Wait. Oh, he's not wrong. They're just hard. They're just, you're biting jelly in your mouth.

With freezer burn or no? No. No, it wouldn't. They don't last long enough in any freezer to get freezer burn. I've never. Because they can't be,

someone will eat them. Honest to goodness, I have seen the Uncrustable Box in my freezer empty more times than I've seen the Uncrustable box in my freezer empty more times than I've seen the Uncrustable box in my freezer. Have they ever made a huge one?

Yeah, they need to make a freezer-sized bag. No, I meant like a double-sized Uncrustable, like an adult one. Because they're so small. Yeah, grown-ups want Uncrustables, too. Like a peanut butter jelly Uncrustable Calzone size I think what they just need to do is they need to just package four of them in each

each bag just grab out a four pack I don't know I actually don't know if I've had an Uncrustable oh man I can tell you if you'd like it or not you would

you will alright they are great alright so I'm looking into it more and more. I'm doing more investigations. I've got some research to do. I've had grape.

Yeah, I've got to check on the strawberry. It's important. Those are the only two they make, though, right? Or do they get into, like, the apricot? Oh, dude. If they got an apricot? I'm on it. I'm on it.

Mike, you have a couple. Underrated. Apricot instead of the strawberry jelly. You got two picks, Mikey. All right. This is one that definitely was not on your list as a child. And it definitely is growing in popularity. But when I think of foods that you're like, oh, no, that food is gross.

But it's actually really good as long as it's properly prepared it's brussels sprouts yep it's on my list for sure because you just as a child they got a peanut butter and honey they've got peanut butter and honey whoa mike's mind is about to what they've got grape they got chocolate hazelnut yep they got chocolate hazelnut that's just a dessert you bet it is it's a dessert sammy i gotta stop i think i started selling those in the movie theater instead of candy yes okay okay so brussels sprouts uh very very actually very very tasty despite you know like that and hope we're not ruining a pig but like lima beans like lima beans and brus Brussels sprouts are like public enemy number one for children.

We need to teach children that Brussels sprouts are actually good. Stop telling them that they're bad. I can't do it. You can't get in on the Brussels? No, they're fine. They're so good. If they're made right, they can be outstanding. Let me make sure I know what they are.

Hold on. Oh, they're very delicious. Do you eat the whole thing? Yep. Yeah. You just pop that in your mouth? Well, I guess you like... There's like a stem that you cut off during the cooking, right?

Well, right. Yeah. If you're preparing it, you... What does Al think? I don't think he likes them. Oh, they're terrible. Oh, okay. All right.

Speaking of owl, what you just wrote in there, that's actually my second pick. It is cabbage. Oh, okay. actually my second pick. It is cabbage. Oh, okay. Okay. Cabbage. You like cabbage. I love cabbage. You do.

I love steamed cabbage with my Hawaiian food. It's gross. You put the red cabbage on a salad. That's how you take that thing to fancy. That's not just a regular salad anymore. That's a grown-up salad. I want to hop in your sidecar, buddy, because I got sauerkraut as my second pick. Okay, all right.

Which is fermented cabbage. I assume that's fine, right? Wait a minute. Yeah, because I didn't even know that. Sauerkraut is cabbage? Yep, you didn't know it, so it's my pick. Hold on. That blows my mind.

Sauerkraut's great. Have it on a sandwich. So sauerkraut is- It's an extreme taste, but I think it's underrated. It's finely cut raw cabbage that has been fermented by various lactic acid bacteria. You betcha. I had no idea. I didn't either.

I didn't even understand what the reference was. You're like, I'm coming with you, Mike. Oh, yeah. Sidecar. Am I allowed to draft a totally different thing? So sauerkraut's disgusting oh of course and awful it's pretty smelly it stinks it's vinegary vinegary it's putrid i haven't tried it in a long time i haven't tried it you love cabbage mike you might like sauerkraut i haven't tried it since i was i

honestly i don't know if i tried it my entire life um until about a month ago. Then I was like, I'm going to put this on. It was great. Was you putting it on a dog? No, it was a chicken breast. It was a thing from our Tavala's. You're telling me that it's like a real heavy vinegar cabbage? Yeah. It's outstanding.

This sounds fantastic. It is pretty good. How have I been avoiding this? They make like what? Oh, man. Is it German or Irish restaurants? Do they have a lot of sauerkraut-based dishes? Well, it's definitely the Germans.

The German. The Germans love the sauerkraut, I believe. There you go. I'm just stereotyping a whole people. No, I think. No, it is. It's a German food. Yeah, I've been to a German restaurant.

Of course, then they love it. Well, I'm just saying it's common there and part of German meals. I feel like there's no German meal that doesn't have sauerkraut. Is there like every German item I see on, if I get a German bratwurst, that means it's got sauerkraut on it. I mean, I don't know if they like them. Do you know what that word means? In German, sauerkabbage. Wow.

So that's a German dish. I know how to say cabbage. Kraut. There you go. That seems to make sense. All right. So Jason, two picks. All right.

I am up. I know my first one here because it was going to be my 101 originally before vanilla ice cream came to mind, but it's so good. And it's something that apparently you're just only allowed to have in college. It's Top Ramen. Oh, oh dude it's on my list oh top ramen is so good and every time i have fancier ramen like i wish it was ramen i just wish it was top ramen i'm like man this isn't as good as the 99 cent meal of top ramen top Ramen is fantastic. I mean, it's just so over the top salty.

That's all it is. Yeah, you would die if you had too much of it. It can't. I mean, I can't imagine how bad Top Ramen is for you. It's bad for you, but it's so good. I'm surprised it is legal, but it is delicious. Okay. but it probably only here delicious um okay and then for my next pick i'm going to go with i think this is kind of similar to like vanilla ice cream where it's like this is good people like it but it's it's just too basic it gets no respect it's not seen of as like a really good food, but it's so important.

It's white rice. Oh. White rice is so good. I could eat white rice for every meal. You could put all sorts of sauces on it. You can have white rice so many different ways. With cabbage. Would you eat it plain?

Yeah, I've eaten it plain. I feel like it's just- I've eaten it for almost like cereal. Like you put hot, white, steamed rice where you put butter and milk and sugar. You know they're saying that that's- I've never done that. It got a bad rap for about 15 years. Brown rice trying to take over for health, and now they're saying white rice is healthier.

Yeah, which is great news because it's way better tasting. Brown rice is a lot of work. It is. Too much chewing. You need some white rice in that sushi. That's a good pick. It's very versatile, very important, very delicious, and gets no respect. It's always like, do you want to upgrade that?

Do you want to get the fried rice? I mean, I do. It's better. But the point is, you just summarized your whole argument, Jay. If we're bringing fried rice into the equation. But fried rice is highly rated. Can get out of here. That's true. No, it's underrated. I love it. My next pick with peanut butter and jelly and sauerkraut is perfect for this draft because if it's offered to me amongst

a bunch of choices on a menu, it should be what is automatically given. It's an English muffin. I'm going english muffins interesting you're always offered like your all your other like toast side biscuits toast biscuits all that stuff if they say the word english muffin i am taking one it tastes better than all the other bread is that because of the nooks and crannies you bet it is yeah it holds on to more butter it it holds on to more butter which butter is very good for you. So that's great. So let me ask you this, because I know this is an option oftentimes when they're like, you know, white wheat, sourdough, English muffin. Yes.

Pancakes. Now we're entering a different category. Oh, I know, but that's a fried rice argument. I know. I'm trying to trap them because I know you're ordering pancakes. You said it was automatic. If I want to appear healthier, I will take the English muffin. Okay.

It's somewhat related to what Jason just asked. You go to McDonald's. Are you going with the McMuffin or the McGriddle? I'm going McMuffin. I'm always a McMuffin. Over the McGriddle? The McMuffin. Okay.

I've had the McGriddle. It's so sweet. It's too sweet. It's fine as a change of pace, but the McMuffin. Over the McGriddle? I've had the McGriddle. It's so sweet. It's fine as a change of pace, but the McMuffin, I mean, English muffins are really, really good. I don't know why anybody on the planet would choose a slice of toast to an English muffin.

I don't know the last time I've had an English muffin. Oh, we make them all the time. You should get in on it. You make them? Yeah, well, I mean, we don't make them from scratch, but... When you say we make them all the time, that inferences... He toasts them, okay? He toasts them, I butter them. He toasts

them at the house. So you heat them up all the time. No, no, no. If I say I make something... I don't make it. I mean, do you ever say I made toast this morning? Yeah, you say I make toast, and it's the exact same process. And no't make it. Do you ever say, I made toast this morning. You say I make toast and it's the exact same process. And no one has ever.

This is something that's true. Toast is a bad example. No one has ever in their life eaten an English muffin unheated. Oh, it's terrible. You just don't do it. You don't do it. So it's not an English muffin until you make it. The thing about toast is you make toast because it was bread.

Yeah, but people eat bread. Yeah, but people don't eat uncooked. That's why I've made toast. I'm saying your argument of you made English muffins. Sounds like a perfect spitballer's argument. Mike, you are up on the clock with your last two picks. You have Brussels sprouts and cabbage. Really giving vegetables a good name.

I am. I'm going to come in here again. I would never. Oh, wait. I drafted cabbage. I believe I drafted. I don't even remember why I drafted it, but I'm going to pay some more respect to good old spam

because it is super underrated spam and people need to understand that spam is actually good they just have a real haven't tried it yeah because it's because it comes in a can it's called spam it's called spam the marketing people did a horrific job it needs a full rebrand but it's delicious. It's Spam. And this last one, I'm bringing this one up because you want your desserts at the restaurant. It's always like an apple pie, ice cream, a chocolate chip cookie. Chocolate cake. Yeah. There's the basic ones.

And this one, I feel like I only know this because my mother-in-law will make it from time to time. I don't know if you guys have ever had it. Have you had monkey bread? Yes, I have had monkey bread. Monkey bread. It's a cinnamony pull-apart bread. It's cinnamony sugar sauce-covered bread. You're saying it needs to be on more menus.

We need to get monkey bread out there. It's fantastic if there's one thing this podcast could do like we can get monkey bread out there i'm just it's it is super uncommon and yet it it would be right up there if people really knew about it i think it would rival the the big desserts out there you know the big desserts have a stranglehold. They do. They don't let churros into their restaurants either. Sometimes. I don't know.

Mini churros. Yeah. Yeah. But it's a version of a churro. I like it. It's a good pick. I think they have the pizookie place out here and you can get a monkey bread pizookie. What?

You didn't know that? BJ's? What? Yeah. BJ's got the monkey bread, Mike. They got good pizza too that tonight um so you end up with brussels sprouts cabbage spam and monkey bread i have pb and j sauerkraut english muffin what and i'm gonna close it out with look i'm just going from the heart this ain't i ain't winning nothing but i love craisins and i think they, I think craisins are totally

underrated. Why would anybody have a raisin when they could have a craisin? What is a craisin? A craisin is a cranberry raisin. They've conjoined them. It's a crazy raisin. Aren't you guys in on craisins? I don't see anybody nodding over there. I love craisins. It's a part of a good salad. I'll eat them by the handful. He'll eat them by the handful. A craisin is a dehydrated cranberry, right? It could be. That's what I think it is. It's a raisin.

What is a craisin? It's like turning a grape into a raisin. But they add a lot of sugar. Well, of course, because cranberries are bog garbage. It's just because they appear like raisins. Bog garbage? because cranberries are bog garbage. It's just because they appear like raisins. Bog garbage? Oh, yeah.

Cranberries are horrific. Cranberry flavor is great. The pure cranberry from the bog is not good. If you eat a cranberry the way that nature intended, you go, what is this? And thank goodness the scientists didn't just leave it there. They said we could do more with this. We can make juice and add sugar, and we can make craisins. And add sugar.

And they're great. And then more and more sugar. Even the cranberry people know that they have to put the sugar on there. Oh, yeah. Their business is a sham. They're in the sugar business. That's really the business they're in. Bog garbage is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

All right, Jason, you have vanilla ice cream, top ramen, and white rice. What's your final pick on your winning set? This is a food item that is shameful, but it shouldn't be because it is also wildly delicious, has to be in my top 10 favorite meals and that is spaghettios and meatballs baby yeah give me that canned food i just i love it so much i used to like spaghettios as a kid and that's a food where like i tried it again as an adult, and I was like, this is so gross.

Did you have the meatballs? It's soggy. The noodles are so soggy in there. It's so good. No, I didn't have the meatballs, but I doubt that holds it all together. It is the glue that makes it work. Okay. Some honorable mentions that apparently would have been better than craisins.

Spinach, also something as a kid that we all hate. I just literally last night, for the first time in my life, understood spinach. I had a spinach salad, and I was like, this is some- You haven't had a spinach salad? No, I have. I just never liked it. But last night, I was like, it was so good. It's better than iceberg and stuff.

As is kale. Eh, not kale. No. Kale's okay. I'm behind it. But spinach gets such a bad rap growing up. Like it's this, you know. It's like okra.

They tried too hard with the Popeye. Cashews? The most underrated nut, in my opinion. Cashews are very good, but they can be overwhelming when you have more than a handful. No, they're the best not. Was that the end of your list? Yeah. I had anchovies, which I know.

Ew, salty snot fish. They are actually, okay, casseroles. Oh, casseroles are fantastic. You know what? Casseroles need to come back. They used to be a big thing. Hand them to your neighbors and stuff. Now I know what I'm making.

Casseroles. Yeah, well, we're doing great work there because that means we don't talk to our neighbors. I got cottage cheese, which... Okay. That cheese is actually pretty good. It's underrated. Yeah, and my personal favorite one,

the problem is I love it so much I don't even know that it's underrated, but it's still not rated as highly as its dominant brother chocolate. I'm talking about strawberry milk. Strawberry milk is so good. It seems gross. Seems disgusting.

That's gross. Oh, I'm so mad at you two. It's such a fake thing. Yeah. It tastes like a fake syrup. No. But from SpaghettiOs and meatballs over here, I'm not surprised. Dude, you want to know what goes great with SpaghettiOs and meatballs?

Strawberry. Oh, my gosh. That combo? Yes. You know where I like to eat? The science lab. Yeah. Chemical alley.

Mike, you got any extra? Broccoli, I think, is a really good vegetable. Did someone say canned tuna? No. Because I had it. I know that we are all. Are you talking about. Teen jar.

Jarred tuna? I just. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It's good. What did we learn today? Oh. I mean, I had no.

Is sauerkraut. Yeah, I brother, it's sauerkraut. Yeah, I had no idea this sauerkraut was from cabbage. I thought it was some other just weird vegetable. Now, you know, you're welcome, and you love cabbage, so you're going to love that. I learned that Jason should most definitely live somewhere colder than here. Mm-hmm. Talk to you next week. Goodbye, spitwads. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.