Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 253: Punching Hornets & Things That Start with 'S' - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

On this show we talk about grabbing someone by their armpit hair, living next to an active volcano, and being the only one in the world without a superpower. We close the episode with a draft of things that start with the letter ‘s’. Don’t miss it! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Who's that cool cat who's all that? His name is Andy. What? What did you just do plagiarized that's what he just did that's literally illegal oh man i thought it was funny but i thought you were i thought you were just gonna do the owl's cat the fault i'd be like we've gotten to the point where in 253 shows and we're doing callbacks to the great scats.

I'm all that. You guys missed the... I guess. It's a derivative. You changed it up because originally the cool cat was an owl. It was a cover. It was a cover. I even barely got it in there.

Scat cover. It was a scat cover. welcome in to the spitballers episode 253 well i've got my scat for next time around check i was gonna say i'm sorry al how are you doing today i'm doing great thank you yeah uh al's been pretty much just wandering around the studio doing nothing for most of the day. Finally got an episode here this afternoon, and he's got something to do. Oh, man. It's no secret how lazy I am. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Far and wide. Oh, that's so not true. This is episode 253. Wow. We have, would you rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting things that start with the letter S. I love it.

We've done a lot of dumb stuff on this show. This might be the dumbest. Tell that to Sesame Street. Just know I can get SpaghettiOs again. Yes. I've got it. I've got it. Two of the last three drafts.

I'm coming for another one. You can follow the show on Instagram. Instagram.com. I've got it. Two of the last three drafts. I'm coming for another one. You can follow the show on Instagram, Instagram.com slash spitballers pod. We appreciate everybody at join the spit supporting the show. Let's get it going. Would you rather. Irina on Twitter says, would you rather it's a simple one,

gentlemen, would you rather punch a Hornet's nest or a sleeping bear? Oh, man. We need to tease this out a little bit and see what would happen to you. Okay. to fight with like let's just presume it goes poorly the bear wakes up or the hornets are real fast real real upset real stingy real stingy i feel like i could survive the hornets yes i could not survive the bear correct but that bear might be real sleepy yeah there's i did think of that i did think of that

that if i if if i punch a bear no one knows how quick a bear can uh kind of come to but it's like a bear weighs how much 100 million pounds i mean hold on i wanted to say that but i don't think that's actually no that is accurate i'm gonna go 800 pounds't think that's accurate. I'm going to go 800 pounds. That's a lot. What kind of bear? That's a grizzly, huh? I don't know. 700 pounds? Can I get a 600 pounds? What kind of bear are we punching? A grizzly? We're punching a brown bear.

Yeah, okay. A brown bear? I'm going to go 500 pounds. What's a brown bear wear, Jason? What is it wear? A top hat. A top hat. Where's fur? A top hat. And a Speedo.

Another thing that starts with the letter S. How can this be taking you this long to get a bear's weight? It's because the ranges are insane. So here's the first range from Google. Two people can't figure this out? No, here's the first range Google gives for a brown bear. Okay, I see it. It's either 180 pounds or 1,300 pounds. People can't figure this out. Here's the first range Google gives for a brown bear. Okay, I see it.

It's either 180 pounds or 1,300 pounds. Like somewhere in that range. That's actually embarrassing. The National Park Service narrows it down a little. It's from 200 pounds to 1,000 pounds. Come on. You don't need to know what a baby bear weighs. Give me the average bear.

Do we have to specify adult large average an average can't be 180 to 300 i've got a new i've got a new source that's 200 to 1000 oh so the the females are smaller 200 to 450 the males are 308 50 all right it's still three okay let's just call it. These details don't matter. For Mike's point, it might. So let's say 750 pounds. Okay. So the point being, bears weigh multiple hundreds of pounds. They're all over the place.

If I punch a bear, I don't know that the bear will have... It may go, huh? If you punch it in the face? If I punch it in the face, it's going to... No, you go, huh? If you punch it in the face? If I punch it in the face, it's going to... No, I'm not punching in the face. This doesn't say I got to punch it in the face. Oh, it's a punch in the face. No. What?

You could just punch it in the booty? Yeah, that's where I'm going. And then I'm a scooty. I'm going to get out. You ain't getting out, man. I think there is a chance. Because we are in a cave, to be clear. Oh, okay, yeah.

We're in the bear's cave. Don't run the wrong way in the cave. Oh, man. I think there is a chance. Because we are in a cave, to be clear. Oh, okay, yeah. We're in the bear's cave. Don't run the wrong way in the cave. Oh, yeah. Just for the record. Oh, I got to get out of here. Oh, no. I feel like I could punch a 1,300-pound bear, and it would not feel it. That's why you got to punch it in the snout.

That's a pretty big risk. In the snout. Okay, fine. If I have to punch it in the snout, no matter what bear it is, I'm going to punch the hornet's nest. I'm going to give it everything I can like I'm playing the – you guys have seen that punching game in the arcade? Yeah. So the bag lowers down.

I'm going to try and knock this hornet nest off. Yeah. I mean, if you've got to punch it. Oh, you're trying to send it flying in? Yeah, I'm trying to send it flying to give me extra room. I can outrun hornets. That's a huge mistake. If you punch it too hard, your fist goes – Oh, I might trying to send a fine to give me extra room. I can outrun hornets. That's a huge mistake. If you punch it too hard, your fist goes right into the hornet's nest.

You're running away. It's just stuck on my hand. It's on your hand while you're running. I mean, that's the danger right there. You got to hammer fist punch it. You know what I mean? You got to give it one of these. Swing down?

Yeah. My family had a hornet's adventure in the woods. Oh, that's not good. You didn't I mean? You got to get up one of these. Oh, swing down? Yeah. My family had a hornet's adventure in the woods. Oh, that's not good. You didn't know that? It was a long time ago. I vaguely remember it. They were out hiking with a church camp, and then out of the blue, thousands of hornets started attacking everybody.

What? That's not great. And they all went sprinting out of the forest. All the parents were grabbing the kids and putting them under their arms and running. Who punched the nest? I don't. Probably one of the kids. One of the kids.

I don't know. Would the bear quickly, would it swipe me real quick? Yeah, if you're, if we got to punch it in the face, we cannot choose the bear. No. Like that bear, the only chance we have of choosing the bear is that we could punch it, and he's like, I don't care. Yeah, so sleepy. The hornets will not be indifferent to you punching them in any circumstance.

The bear could be indifferent. Exactly. So I'm punching the bear. But if the bear is not indifferent, you're gone. I could die. I'm not dying from the hornet. You're not good. You're gone. Is any die. I'm not dying from the hornet. You're not good. You're gone.

Have hornets ever killed people? Oh, sure. Yeah, if you're allergic to them, then that's... Can you be allergic to hornets? Yeah. I feel like bees have got the... They definitely have a better PR team. Yeah, they do, don't they?

Yeah. They got the Africanized. Nobody ever came and said Africanized hornets. Well, they have murder hornets. Oh, they do have murder hornets. They both have decent PR teams. They're the Japaneseized. Nobody ever came and said Africanized hornets. Well, they have murder hornets. Oh, they do have murder hornets. They both have decent PR teams. They're the Japanese murder hornets. Shoot, that's a really good point.

Which, those are, oh my gosh, those are the scariest thing on the planet. I think we have them out here. Well, that's murder hornets? Oh, no, I'm thinking of the- They said they were maybe in the Pacific Northwest. No, I'm not thinking of murder hornets. I'm thinking of those wasps that have the really painful sting. Well, we have the tarantula hawk.

That's it, yeah. And those are also terrifying. Yeah, not good. All right, so you guys are going hornets? It's the hornets. So I googled what happens if you hit a hornet's nest, and it says even if you knock down the nest, you still have up to 400 angry hornets coming your way.

How fast can a hornet fly? You've always been afraid of hornets. Yeah, I'm afraid of all bugs that fly that have weapons. What about bears that can't fly? He is also afraid of bear fights. I've always been terrified of a bear fight. I'm hitting the bear. I don't think it's getting up and chasing me because it's going to think to itself,

did I just get punched in the face by a person? What if you hit the bear and then you stand real still? Because he was sleeping. Oh, guys, I got bad news. Oh, no. The hornets? The Asian giant hornet can fly up to 25 miles an hour, which is faster than I can run. So running does nothing.

Well, but I think they'll give up. No, the murder hornets, they'll give up when you're murdered. Yeah, I guess they got a job to do. What, they got bad cardio? No, not hornets. They could fly for days. They're on the peloton? know i'm i'm switching i'm going to i'm gonna punch jay grizz right in the mouth yeah and i'm gonna live to tell about it i was not aware of this 25 miles an hour that's really fast is that

that's faster than um tyree kill i was going to say Usain Bolt. What's the average human male top speed? He's probably right around 25. The Hornet's keeping up with him. Between one mile an hour and 100 miles an hour. Yeah, you'd be surprised. The range is really, really wide. 25 is probably the max a human's ever run.

It looks like you're saying top speed at 27. 27.79. Not 100 meters. Yeah. How long can you sustain that speed? All right. So I'm going bear. Final answer.

I'm going bear. Final answer. Get in with us. Let's beat this bear up. This bear ain't going to care, man. Are we all punching the same bear? We're punching the same bear three times. That gives us better odds. I'm first.

You're first. Great. Well, if you're having to punch him after he's angry. I'm last. Matt from Twitter. I'm going to punch him after he's full. Would you rather impulsively say, this is from Matt on Twitter. Would you rather impulsively say, this is from Matt on Twitter, would you rather impulsively say,

I really wish you'd stop doing that at random points of conversation with people or never be able to remember your own name? How often do I use my name? I mean, obviously, if you're meeting someone new you'd be like hi i'm jason but outside of that one setting i don't know how often i really care about my mom when you get pulled over i just give my id yeah i can remember who i am if i go to the bank I just I am here's who I am Mike yeah I don't remember my name but here's my ID but I can prove that it's me I really wish you would stop doing that oh I see what you did there that's the other side yeah I mean random points because people's

response to that will be doing what that was my I'm telling you i didn't know what you were doing and when you like i didn't know you were doing a bit uh-huh and when you said i really wish you'd stop doing that i i held my breath for a second i was like oh no what did i do it felt pretty bad yeah yeah so that's what everyone would say and then you go on in the conversation like nothing happened absolutely what percentage of the time if you just keep doing that, I really wish you'd stop doing that, do you get a, oh, I'm sorry? Oh, yeah, you do get that. They just apologize.

They were sure. You have no idea what you did. There's a chance they were, like, scratching their head. You're like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that. Whatever they were doing, they will stop doing. But it's impulsive, right? So you do it once.

Okay, they're a little worried they say i'm sorry about that whatever conversation goes on 30 seconds later i really wish you'd stop doing that they're gonna be like what what is that what am i doing i mean you gotta ask the question on the second one right someone asks you 30 seconds later i think it's the second i think the second time i go i i'm i'm sorry i don't know what i'm what i'm doing but then they just but then they just keep moving on to the conversation for sure man and i guess that would mean that there are also times when you say that where people are doing things so it's like at the grocery store someone's checking you out like

oh you're looking so hot yeah that. That's what I would tell them. I really wish you'd stop doing that. Stop looking at me like that. Stop checking me out, lady. I know people like what they see, but can you stop doing that? Middle-aged dad. Okay, you know what I meant.

Or like, you know the the police officers talking the police officers like hey do you know i pulled you over i really wish you stopped doing that or do they respect you because you've done a full power you've no you've turned the power i don't think they want to release that power uh i really wish you'd stop doing that mike yeah i gotta go with the name thing yeah have you yeah like i found and i assume this is because i'm getting older do you guys ever have just complete brain fog just a brain fart you forget the name of like people you've known for a long time uh that's been that's been happening to me a long time. That's been happening to me. A long time. Since the day I can remember. Okay.

Like I sat with this person at lunch for three years and it's been a year and I'm like, I don't remember that person's name. You don't even know who they are. Yeah. No, usually I don't remember them at all. It's not just their name, but. not just their name but there is nothing it is worse than that feeling because it says something about them i know i'm talking like but people you know really really well that you're just like right now yeah you know yeah but what do you do are you just avoiding saying a name and trying to figure it out are you texting your wife going who is this i'm not necessarily when you're like

talking to them just when you're thinking about someone yeah and you're like oh you know my neighbor's kid oh my neighbor's kid what what oh crap what's this person's name and then you just oh i go worse than that it'll be like actually do they have a kid um and if they do is it a boy or a girl because i know they introduced me to the child eight times but i haven't remembered it is such a helpless memory is yeah that's not good that's why we need those glasses we need like the uh what the black mirror glasses just some glasses that like remember for you and throw it up on the screen like a little life producer of your life that's so we need glasses with facial recognition.

Yes. Gotcha. Nothing could go wrong. That's already. I mean, that's life already. I bought something the other day. It's a device that is specifically for putting a family calendar up on a screen and you hang it on the wall. That's all it does.

And I'm telling you, it doesn't do much it shows that it has a to-do list we're like hung it on the wall walking around there's a camera on it there ain't nothing does with the camera is there a camera there's a camera on the top there's a button to cover the camera it's got no purpose like there's no chat function it's like they were going through the manufacturing process, and the manufacturer was like, do you want me to throw in a spy camera? And they're like, yes. Yeah, I guess so.

All right, go spy away. I mean, there's a camera on there with no purpose. Are you supposed to walk up to it with the completed chore? It knows who's coming up to the screen. You walk up with a dirty rag, you're like you walk up with like a like a dirty rag you're like i cleaned the bathroom maybe see maybe maybe that's weird but privacy is an illusion it's weird we're not ever gonna have it yeah you don't have just watch away you're listening to a podcast right now which means you have a device that has all of your privacy it's just it's just inevitable i i'm excited about this question

steven from the website would you rather live next to an active volcano or a wait poorly secured prison okay so this a poorly secured prison implies that prisoners are how next to these am i implies that prisoners are... How next to these am I? 100 yards? That's a great question, because the volcano, how active is this volcano? Well, active just means that it can erupt. It's not dormant.

See, to me... Okay. To me, I grew up... It's not erupting 24 hours a day. To me, I grew up thinking that there were two states of a volcano. State number one is fully exploding and raining lava down upon everybody okay and i don't think the story of pompeii helped that very much because pompeii was like no one even knew this was happening and they were all like frozen right well not frozen But I mean, they were all completely covered in ash

and in the midst of doing stuff. And then the other state was that it was just the kind that you can go up to the edge of it and look down and do it and just toss things in if you want to. So Al is posting something. An active volcano is a volcano which is either erupting

or is likely to erupt. So one that is not currently erupting but likely to erupt so what do you well so so one that is is not currently erupting but has the potential would be called dormant what i'm saying is what there are eruptions is that the uh third option yes extinct there are eruptions where it just means that the lava really slowly comes down the mountain yeah that's most eruptions and if i could i get out in time well with a lava alert or like set up a perimeter i'm looking lava perimeter i'm looking and learning a little bit about living near an active volcano and what i'm learning here from penn state uh university is that uh is there a lot of volcanoes they're thrilled to be included

in this show if you're welcome shout out um living near an active volcano can be beneficial as well as dangerous what penn state uh the soil is fertile yeah a lot of volcanic products can be beneficial as well as dangerous what pin state uh the soil is fertile yeah a lot of volcanic products can be used for everyday life uh they go on some of the good things but then this is my favorite this is my favorite quote but if you live too close to a volcano and it erupts it can be lethal you think You think? Wait a minute. Oh, what? Is that the pro con list that Penn State's writing up on the board for their class? Good soil. You could die.

I mean, the other one is that the poorly secured prison would freak me out. Yeah, that. What does poorly secured mean? Does that mean one prisoner a year escapes? Yeah, that sounds good. one a year is too much that's that's that's not too much for me one a year means one person what if you're the only house near it well let's see that's the that's the big difference i'm like the farmhouse right if i'm all the prisoners are going to your house well then any a year is probably too much i would not want that if i'm all the prisoners are going to your house well then any a year is probably too much i would not want that but i'm willing to take the odds like

you know you your house could get robbed at any time without living next to a poorly secured oh they're doing more than robbing but my point here is that there's always there's always a percentage chance that things could go right or wrong and if it's one a year and i'm in a neighborhood i'm not just the only farm within 30 miles i think i'm okay you'll take the odds i think i'm gonna take the odds you might not be home yeah i might not be home my doors i'm gonna i'm gonna lock my doors you'll lock your doors maybe maybe you put up like uh some taller fences in the backyard oh i was gonna ask you like leave like like a milk and cookies like a milk and cookies type of situation like with a note that says

please for the enjoy for the road just don't come into my house i would put uh a lot of welcoming things out in my neighbor's porch and i would really say like enter here we will we will you know keep you safe and hidden what if we love harboring pro-harboring what if you put prisons and you located them surrounding active volcanoes oh then we can have a house by both. That's great news. Wait, that's not the goal? Then you have to evacuate a prison. Do you?

Oh, man. The maniac over here. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to vote for... Do you? Watch them melt watch them melt I will live near the poorly secured prison

yeah well I'll take the volcano I'm imagining that a volcano is in a pretty place it is true that you'd live in a pretty cool the fertile ground what's that yeah the fertile ground and there's a chance I'll be memorialized in ash congratulations

yeah I'll probably be me just playing on my laptop alright you could right nothing cool you try to do a pose you're just like on the toilet oh no or splash the wave of lava and now this is you forever Eric from

man on toilet I'm going volcano then the history classes come and see you I'm trying to decide on this last question Susanna from Patreon would you rather have armpit hair that goes down to your hips that's just that's just not a picture no not a picture or eyelashes that curl to the top of your head well one of these

yeah they chokes me up these these type of great questions one of these is easy to hide right the armpit armpit hair i'm not taking my shirt off and that's gonna suck having long armpit hair you're probably gonna be even stinkier um you're gonna have to braid it up oh that could be nice i mean you're you have no choice really you can't just let that be free i don't think so i think that that's gonna be snagging and and you're going to get armpit hairs ripping out you gotta you gotta is that why we braid hair it's part of what i thought it was just for looks there's an actual functional yes really keeps your hair all together and can get it out of the stronger together no we're not trying to make a rope ladder we're just trying to keep it from falling out being in your way well but you gave

the example of being like pulled out you can't you're not gonna pull out oh my gosh that would be so painful yes it would be underarm hair being pulled out oh to be grabbed by your underarm hair oh man in a street fight you know guys rip their shirts off and then they go fight would you run from that guy yes yes if he pulled the shirt off and you want to know what else i wouldn't do i wouldn't grab his super long armpit hair i even knowing it could hurt him i'm not going to put my hands around his armpit hair and be like i got you bro but now if it's if it's braided and it's thick enough oh then i then I'll grab it. No, no. And your own arm.

You can tie them up. No, do you have like nunchucks? Just weaponized? Do you have like a whip type of a weapon? I don't think so. Probably not. No, that's a stretch for this show. That's too bad.

That's a huge stretch. I mean, eyelashes that curl to the top of your head, you look like an alien. Nobody could look at you. I mean, I don't know. Would you wear a low-brim hat and tuck them up in the hat? I mean, you're like a cowboy hat. Your eyes can't ever close. That's a real solid point.

You'll just be permanently crying. You won't have tears left to cry. I'd be so dry. I didn't think about that. Your eyes get close. There is no way to hide them because they're on your eyes. Hiding your eyes means you can't see. What do you mean there's no way?

You can wear a helmet all day long? Yeah, like a motorcycle helmet? Yeah. Feel free to take your helmet off, sir. No, I'm good. I'm real comfortable. Feel free to take your helmet off, sir. No, I'm good. I'm real comfortable. I like to eat with my helmet on. Just tell people you've signed up.

The ways of the Mandalorians. This is the way. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I don't think I can do the armpit thing, man. I'm taking it because I believe I can weaponize it. And I love the braiding idea i'm gonna have to learn how to braid it's real easy yeah you don't know how to braid i mean i know

the concept i'm sure i could do it if i just have never done it interesting never tried never say never i don't remember most of my life i don't know maybe i've tried it before you were a braiding specialist for 18 years. It's simple. It's real easy. All right. Not for me. That's a great question. Bazzi Motto from Twitter says, Local Wizard finally returns and offers to give everyone in the world

the superpower of your choosing. The twist is that you are the only person in the world without that power. What do you choose? Now, my first thought is how do I use this to my advantage? Yeah, that's tough though. Is benevolence or generosity a superpower I can give everybody else? No. I think we got to go classic superpower here.

Yep. So like flying, x-ray vision. Wait, if you gave everybody x-ray vision and you're the only one without it, that would suck. Now if you gave everybody super strength and you're the only one without it, guess who's never helping someone move? Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm not carrying in the groceries. You do it. You can't do flight because pilots would go away. If everybody in the world could fly, air travel would be gone. I couldn't fly anywhere. You couldn't go backpack style? I could go back. I could become a backpack. Piggyback. Yeah. Piggyback flight. Yeah, that's true. I couldn't fly anywhere. You couldn't go backpack style? I could go back. I could become a backpack.

Piggyback. Yeah. Piggyback flight. Yeah, that's true. I could do that. Would there be people in that universe? Because you wouldn't need to fly people around. Like human taxis?

Yeah. But everybody can fly. But would the bigger people kind of be like four-seaters and stuff? Four-seater? No. You're the only person who needs a seat in the world that's true that's true everyone just flies next to each other so these would be like human pegasus flying flying horses yeah i i think that one does not work that flight is a real would you be insulted if you had to give

someone a ride and they wanted to put a saddle on you if if i could fly if you could fly would you be offended if you were like hey like hop on and he's like i'd actually really like like a saddle like a horse saddle or are we talking like a human saddle but it would be a lot like a horse but i'm saying is it the style of a horse saddle or is it more like the backpack where they put the kids on it it's more like a horse saddle yeah i'm not you have to get on all fours no i think i'm a hundred percent fine that, so long as the bridle is not in my mouth. Oh, yeah. If the saddle includes, they're guiding me by moving my head. That's where you draw the line?

I draw the line there. You could grow your hair out. You could do your armpit hair. Can they still use spurs and kick you in the butt? That's fine. But not the mouth thing. I'm starting to picture Jason with long horse hair. What?

Okay. Weirdo. What do you mean weirdo? We're talking about you becoming a human horse. And flying people around. Now that he brought up a saddle, you've just turned into a horse. Yeah. I'm just wondering if you could pull off the long back hair thing.

Have you thought about going mullet? Yeah, thank you, Jason. Yeah, because I can still grow that hair pretty well. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. And you could braid it together with your armpit hair. If I had to have a horse saddle, I would have a mullet, for sure. And, I mean, eventually, skull it.

Skull it? a horse saddle I would have a mullet for sure. And I mean eventually skull it. Yeah. When the top is just with the part of the business is closed there's nothing left on the top. Is this a real thing. Oh yeah. It's called the skull. Yeah. You never heard. No I've never heard that. I get what it is. It's a mullet where your skull is showing because you can't grow it in the front. Oh my goodness. It is a real thing. A skullet is disgusting. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. That's the people who they can't let go of the party. Oh, Benjamin Franklin kind of had a skullet.

Oh, yeah, he did. Wow, he used an OG skullet. Wow. Trendsetter. Trendsetter. His hair was long on the sides, too, though. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't just in the back.

He really should have shaved his sides oh my gosh yeah old b franklin all right so uh what other superpowers are there like if there was mind reading would that just cause mass chaos in the entire world like you would be ignored because everyone is reading everyone's mind i don don't know. I don't know. I've wondered if the ability, you'd have to turn it off if you had the mind reading. If it's at will, it doesn't cause chaos, right? Right. What if we gave everyone just like Wolverine regeneration?

So if people are just healthy. That's nice. Are you worried about jealousy? Is that the number one situation here? Yes. You just don't want people to have something you don't have right if everyone can fly and i'm you don't want to bless everybody except for you well that's why i'm giving them health would super speed hurt you yeah super speed is way super speed is like the ultimate power but

if everybody had it like your door dash is there lickety split yeah our benefits because they don't need it. Because they'll just go get their own food lickety split. Oh, no. DoorDash. See, you're eliminating industries with these. Yeah. No, I'm going night vision.

I think that is. Okay. That's the one where it's like, hey, guys. That's creepy. I want to help you out. Everybody around you is just totally chilling at night and you can't see anything? They're still going to want to sleep at night. But if they happen to stroll through the night in the woods, that's fine.

You can see better than I can. Okay. And you could just put on night vision goggles. Right. Exactly. I can gain the superpower. I like that. Canadian Bacon with a really important question on Twitter.

What's the most annoying color? Oh. Have you ever thought about that? What's the most annoying color? Ooh. Have you ever thought about that? What's the most annoying color? No. Top of mind, what was the first color you thought of? Tan. Salmon. Ooh, tan's good. Salmon's good. I was thinking yellow. We're all in the same category. I was just going with one where it's like, it's the

fart sniffy name. Salmon? Yeah. That literally smells like fish. I'm saying, you know, like it's not just red, yellow. They're like... It's like a little in between. It's smells like fish. I'm saying, you know, like, it's not just red, yellow. They're like. It's like a little in between. It's almost like the shirt you're wearing right now. Yeah, no, I know.

It's very close. What's the most annoying color? The color of my shirt right now. But it's like, I don't know. Chartreuse? Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like, these colors colors, their names are too specific.

What is that shirt color then? If you would- It's a salmon shirt. No, it's not orange enough, I don't think. This is more of a- Mauve? Could be a mauve. Oh, mauve is a bad name.

Yeah. Mauve? Is that a name of- Do people name people that? That's maud. Oh, maud. Mauve. But if maud is a mom wearing mauve, you got a problem.

I feel like we all chose it kind of like a yellow leaning color. Yeah. We live in Arizona. Is that why you chose tan? Everything's just tan and beige and brown. Beige. Beige is actually. As soon as I said that, that was.

Beige is out. Beige is the worst. It's incredible that people who don't live here, what they like about here. Like turquoise. Like the turquoise jewelry. I love the color turquoise. No, I like the color, but the jewelry, we all are used to it. We're used to tan.

We're used to beige. But other people think it's really cool. Like the desert colors. People think beige is cool? No. Yeah. Southwestern decor exists. No, they don't.

You see Al Nodden back there? He's right. They go and decorate their living rooms in other states going, Howdy, partner. You think other people outside of this state think beige is cool or is just a good color that they like the color beige? Yes. Which all of them.

Wait. Oh, those were all things? Those were options? I'm asking options i'm asking what do you think people by the way i nailed it on mauve that's a mauve yeah it's a marvelous shirt thank you so what i think that people out of state some of them find it very very nice i think this the changes are like oh that's interesting because they're used to being in like, I don't know. Vibrant, exciting, a lot of colors. I guess I don't know the generic color of other states.

Do they get tired of green trees? No, because humans don't get tired of that because it's the color of life. Why did I say yellow? I don't know. Yellow's like ewey. It's like pee. It's bright. It's loud.

Maybe a little obnoxious. I refuse to believe that people like the color beige. I'm posting a poll. A person who gravitates towards beige, she said, values comfort and warmth. It's classic. Never goes out of style. It's soothing. Beige creates a sense of calmness and tranquility.

Everything here is beige. The ground is beige. The land is beige. The sky feels beige. The walls are beige. It's just all just tan brown is beige. The ground is beige. The land is beige. The sky feels beige. The walls are beige. It's just... The homes. It's all just tan, brown, and beige. I think you're beige.

I think you're a beige personality. Is that a compliment or not from Andy? I'm not sure. Where do I live? That's fair. Mike, you know, nice mom shirt. Thank you. Cleo from Patreon. Mike, you know, nice mom shirt. Thank you.

Cleo from Patreon. If you could communicate fluently with any one species of living creatures, which would you choose? I feel like we've probably. The easy answer is dog. That would change a lot. Yeah. Would you like your dog less? Because I think you'd find out it's a stupid animal.

That's what would happen. I don't think you would. Yeah. You'd be like, I want to talk to you. And then they'd be like, I want to lick. I want to lick something. I'm going to lick that. I'm going to lick that thing over there.

I've seen dogs that can actually get into, that they're trained to be work dogs and assistant dogs and things like that. You ever had one of those dogs? I have not. Exactly. Those aren't the dogs you're trained to be work dogs and assistant dogs and things like that like you ever had one of those dogs i have not exactly but those aren't the dogs you're talking to my dog can't stop pooping on pillows is that still not changed no we should do we should do a weekly check the weekly check is pepper still pooping on pillows check is not this pepper poop on pillows the weekly check is do you still have Pepper? Or do you have new pillows?

What do you do with the pillows? We wash the pillowcases, of course. Oh, so they've got pillowcases. Yes, they have pillowcases. Is it only pillows? No. She's opening up the couch. What about your couch? Oh, absolutely.

The couch is on limits? What color is your couch? Well, is it beige? Oh, absolutely. The couch is on limits? What color is your couch? Well, is it beige? It's beige. It goes with everything, guys. Except for poop. That's the one color that shows up. All right.

I am 256 votes in. Is it looking good for beige? Oh, no. Oh, no. This should should be 90 10 that they do not like beige um but it's not 44 percent of people like the color beige yeah man wrong with you oh that's that's actually wild i i didn't expect that i mean bayesian like bayesian khaki are the same color right yeah? Yeah. Yeah. So maybe again. Bunch of Dockers fans out there. So you got big target ransacking your pool.

Wow. That is a shocking number. It's a really sad number. I've got a state for you, people. What if that was, because people keep moving here, and you're like, it's too hot. Why are people coming here? It's like one of the fastest growing states. What if it was just for beige?

Yeah, people are like, oh, I love the beauty. We're going to get beige everywhere. Tan. Beige, tan. We have so many different ones that come to mind. Yeah, light brown. I can't think of another. Maybe birds.

I could go with birds. It's going up. It's going up. It's at 45%. Oh, no. Shut it down. Beige is taking over. Shut it down. Don't let taking over. Shut it down.

Don't let them know. Oh, we're talking about animals? Well, the species. I was just saying birds. Maybe birds would be a cool thing to... Could birds go get you stuff if you could talk to them? I mean, some of them could. Like a hawk?

Could it go pick you up like a... I'm sure. People have hawks and things of pets and train them. I mean, I've had animal shows where a bird swoops just like a foot or two above your head. If we just had trained birds, we also wouldn't need DoorDash. Because they could just bring in your food. They pick up the bag and then they take off. You'd need a really big bird or multiple birds working together.

I agree. I guess I was thinking more hawks and stuff. Is that Cinderella? Yeah, yeah, where you pick up. She has the birds. Yeah, and they hold her up. You don't remember that, Mike? They hold up Cinderella?

No, they don't hold her up. They hold the dress up or whatever. Yeah, and they're struggling. I mean, that's a lot of birds just to hold up fabric. Yeah, they're not holding her up. Oh, it wasn't her. This isn't a bag of cheeseburgers. If I'm getting an order from Five Guys, I need a pelican. Well, they'd give you a bigger...

Five Guys, to be fair, that's a heavy burger. They'd give you the bird based on like... Right. The birds are all waiting and your order determines which bird you get. What type of bird would you like for your delivery? I'll take the pelican.

I'm going to eat a lot tonight. Pelican's got the, that's the one that's got the like trap built in. The trap? Well, they like, they can put stuff in their mouth. Yeah, well, there's their beak. Yeah. And then they also like. The beak trap.

Yeah, the beak trap. They also do this weird thing where they like, I think it's like their spine or their stomach can come out of their mouth. Oh, that's gross. You didn't need to tell us that. I'm going to pull a video for you guys eventually. Keep it to yourself.

Yeah. Lie to me about stuff like that. At first, I thought that it would be cool to talk to spiders so I could actually tell them to get out. Oh. I hate you. You're not welcome. Then I realized there are probably spiders around me more often than I realized.

Well, have you heard them talking? But if I heard, oh my gosh. What if you weren't talking to them, but you also heard what they said to each other? That's what I'm saying. Just an absolute nightmare. After he goes to bed, I'm going to sneak in there and crawl on his face. It doesn't even matter if they're saying, hey, Carl, what are you doing tonight? I just know they're there now.

Right. They're super friendly what have you found out that all spiders were the most polite kind creatures in I think if I found that out maybe my phobia would go away maybe I don't even know if that's true but I'm not willing to find out because they're monsters maybe they've all literally just been trying to sneak away from you and not hurt you all right let's draft the spitballers draft all right we are drafting things that start with the letter S. A real special draft today. It's ridiculous. And I couldn't think of anything.

I couldn't think of anything at all. I do have a 101. I do too. I don't, which is a problem because I have the first pick. So I'm going to start with... I don't even know what I'm going to start with. This is great. You knew just so you knew what this draft was.

I'm going to take sports. I'm going to take sports number one overall. Not on my list? What an absolute mistake. Your list would have to be every letter, I mean every word in the dictionary. But no, we do a show about football. That's a great pick.

Okay, so you're happy with that pick. Oh, that's a great pick. That's a sensational pick. In fact, that should be the one I want. Good job. Thank you. That was a great pick. I think I know Mike's pick, but we'll see.

Okay. My pick, which, I mean, it's just just it look it's the it's the best day of the week i will take saturday very nice you actually get to sleep in like an extra 15 minutes yeah maybe 30 minutes maybe an hour depends on how nice your kids are gonna be okay okay or how loud your dog wants to be but saturday, especially when you're in the school season, and for us, for work, our work schedule times up basically with the school schedule getting really crazy. Saturday, just the value of that day.

That's a great pick. It wasn't on my list, and it's awesome. It becomes elevated. It wasn't on my list either. Great pick. That's what's crazy about doing a draft like this. We probably have... There's no rules.

I've got 20 things on my list, and I don't know how much overlap there's even going to be. There's just so many different options out there. Look, when I was thinking of the letter S, something came to mind. Okay. Because... I've got a guess. How many letters? Too many to count.

All right. Never mind, then. Never mind. This will not be on either of your lists, I'm sure. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. You had the first word right. Okay. Superman.

Oh, Superman's on my list. He's got an S on his chest. Yeah. So for drafts with the letter S, one, I love Superman. Oh, Superman's on my list. He's got an S on his chest. Yeah. So for drafts with the letter S, one, I love Superman. He's the best superhero. He is the worst superhero. And by that, I don't mean by that I mean he's the most dominant superhero. He is the alpha superhero.

Which is what also makes him the best. Yeah, he's boring. He's super boring. He's not the most fun superhero to watch. But if you got to be a superhero, tell me you're not going Superman. Of course you're going Superman. If a genie shows up and says, give me a wish, and your wish is not, I want Superman's powers. Yeah, you're doing it wrong.

You're probably doing it wrong. So that's a good pick. Those are good first rounders. And now- Sports Saturday and Superman. I'm going with something that I thought was going to be Mike's 101. Because I know you love this so much. Okay.

It encompasses quite a bit of room. And that is space. Yeah. That was in the contention for 101. Yeah. On my list. Space is just so cool. I prefer outer space.

Yeah, but that doesn't start with an S. So I had to make it space. Otherwise, but when we get to the drafts that start with the letter O, outer space will be on the list. Okay. All right. That means it's back to Mr. Mike Wright. So stupid.

Oh, it's stupendous. Okay. I will take a pick. I'm a little surprised this snuck by, Jason Moore. SpaghettiOs. Dang it. I knew I should have taken it. Well, you're on to it with going with the food object.

Okay. Steak. Oh, my gosh. It's not on my list. I could have got Superman later. That was my guess when I asked you about how many letters you had. It was steak. What a mistake.

Oh, no. Can't get away from it now. Dang it. Yeah, steak is delicious. How does that not make my list i don't know there's too many things that start with the letter s i have like 50 things on my list it's a good it's a good pick mike so you have uh steak and saturday which you can combine you know that's a bonus you can have steaks on saturday and superman in space can be combined. Do you guys have a go-to steak sauce?

I do. I do have a go-to steak sauce. You're saying it wrong. I'm a fancy steak lover. Okay. So it is super faux pas. I love me some A1. Oh, do you really?

Just regular old classic A1 steak sauce. Do you ask for it? I do. I do ask for it. But they usually have their own thing. Do they turn their nose up at you? They have a house steak sauce, right? Yes.

Usually the restaurants I'm going to have a house steak sauce, and they look at me like, sir. You didn't mean to say that. I must not have heard you. I'm a Bernays man. I like Bernays. Yeah, I like a red wine port steak, I'm a Bernays man. I like Bernays. Yeah, I like a red wine pork steak sauce I had recently.

Very nice. I also like the horseradish flavor. Yeah? I can go Oscar style, which is like a Bernays. It's basically Bernays, but then you also get crab, lump crab meat on top. I thought Oscar was lobster. It's crab? That would be called lobster style usually. Some places.

What is this conversation? I can see how you'd be confused. That's lobster. But if you want crab, you have to get Oscar. What? Why wouldn't that just be crab? Yeah, that's a good point. All right, so I got two picks.

Crabster. My pick number one is going to compete with Jason's pick. Oh. And I'm going with stars. I'm taking stars. I've already got... You've got all the gap. I've got you.

You've got the gap between them. Oh, I've got all of you. You got just a piece of mine. So I'm taking stars. Second pick, going a little different here. I'm going with silence. Ooh, okay.

I'm taking silence with my third pick. Boring. Oh, man. some good silence everyone oh you you know you've had kids as long as i have that's about the biggest dream you have is some silence silence can be great you know i think i really think negatively towards silence like i like boring i don't want silence i don't like silence and conversations gaps and speech all that like silence is really negative to me until i have it until i have it and then it's like this is so nice you just don't know how to get it yeah i think that's the truth and it's just you got to just stop talking you but you have a wall up trying to protect yourself because you feel like you'll never

have the silence so silence is bad but then when it gets through the wall's down and you enjoy it thank you mike all right mike you have saturday and steak you got to make a third pick all right so i have saturday i have steaks and the only thing that could make the stakes better on a Saturday is if they were on sale. Oh my gosh. You're taking sale. Who doesn't love a sale, boys? Actually, that's a pretty cool pick. I like it.

I like the variety we can get here. When you get me a discount on something that i was already gonna buy oh man i just won life that day i love it i love it um jason you get to pick again okay i get two picks i get to finish my draft up here um i was pretty sad to see steaks go. I can imagine. I think that's my pinnacle, my favorite of the favorites. But I have a close, close second place. Spaghetti-os. That's a little bit further.

That's in the top 100 for sure. But no, a very close second place. And it also happens to start with S. It's on my list. So I'm taking sushi. Yeah. I love sushi. That'll be a popular pick.

I can eat that. Well, I was going to say more than steak, but I can eat both of them all the time. I don't really tire of either of those. What's your go-to roll? Well, usually it's like specialty house rolls from places around here. If it's just a generic roll that's everywhere, then it's probably a spicy tuna roll. But Yellowtail Sashimi is my favorite i can't decide if i like the spicy tuna or spicy salmon more they're very different they are they are the tuna's real mushy but i don't andy what do you prefer for sushi are you i only do the sushi meat, California rolls, and spicy crab rolls. I got the spicy tuna.

He's got the spicy Oscar roll, and you've got the spicy salmon. There you go. So you've got Superman, space, and sushi, and one more pick to make. This is near and dear to me because it is just a place i love and i think they're fancy they're fun sonic oh man it just means so much it means so much to me in my life story no but um owl and i are members at one of these places up here. It's one of my favorite places to go. I'm taking speakeasies.

Oh. Yeah. Wait, you have a membership to a speakeasy? Yeah, it's like a real fancy one where it's like- You have to be a member to get in? You don't have to be a member to get in, but you can be. It's the only way to get things Oscar. member to get in you don't have to be a member to get in but you can't way to get things oscar it don't stop you from coming in if you're a member but also people who are members they

they also get to go in what do you get non-members have like cover charges and there are member only like events and stuff but it's a really so there's so there's a cover charge for for non-members so you're just you've just pre-paid your cover charge for non-members. So you've just prepaid your cover charge. I've way overpaid my cover charge, Mike. I mean, I would save so much money if I just paid cover charges. The best part is there are no memberships, and he insisted upon a membership, and they just made something up for him.

They're like, yes, we do, sir. $500 a month. To be fair. The napkin was Sharpie sign here one oh man to be fair i got the membership at a charity auction that i had never heard of okay so it was that you've since renewed i will be renewed but it hasn't been a year yet okay all right that's pretty good all right speakeasy was not on my list i figured that could be my fourth pick yeah you've got uh one last pick for your steak on sale on a saturday

your day's pretty good uh what's your final pick you gotta complete the story yeah that's i've put myself into a corner here because my fourth pick was not going to be related to those things. Yeah, I can't worry about this story. I'm just going to take it. So my fourth pick, this word is very powerful. It remains a go-to insult for children. And yet, it's like if you say this to someone's face they're gonna feel real bad and it's just stupid oh just picking the words just taking the word stupid because

if you look someone in the face and you call them stupid that's very it hurts it's really hurdy it's really like hurdy yeah yeah. Yeah. It's very hurdy. I don't know what's happening. He just got back from the speakeasy. Um, all right. So you have, uh,

Jason finished with Superman space, sushi and speakeasies. Mike with Saturday steak sales and stupid. I have sports stars in silence and I'm going to finish it out because you guys have to have sports stars, sports, comma, stars, comma, Sports stars and silence. And I'm going to finish it out because you guys have two. You have sports stars? Sports, comma, stars, comma, silence. And I need something that I can eat since you both took one of those.

So I'm going with. Spaghettioles. S'mores. I'm taking s'mores with the final pick. That's a good solid finisher. Of our things that start with S draft. Did we pick your favorites listeners?

No you didn't. Oh what you got? Spitballers comedy podcast. The waiver wire. How did we miss out on the spitballers? It's just not one of our favorites. I had sunsets, smiles, Santa, sarcasm great yeah man i can't believe none of those were on my list i've got but i went with

s'mores oh i've got sasquatch yeah thought about it starbucks okay uh skittles simpsons subtitles and this subtitle I do love subtitles. Love subtitles. And then my favorite that I didn't pick, this was close with speakeasies, streaming. Ah. I can't live without streaming services. Just the couple highlights left of Salt and Sonic Boom. Sonic Boom.

So Sonic, is that why it came into your mind? Yeah. Wow. Sonic Boom. sonic boom so sonic is that why it came into your mind yeah wow sonic boom what did we learn today i bears weigh between 100 and 900 000 pounds i said i wrote down like we have no idea how much bears we can't get close enough to weigh them uh i think i also learned that mike has a dislike of people use the word salmon to describe a color. And Jason can't breed. No.

Yet. Working on growing out that armpit hair. You never tried with your daughter's hair? I never tried, no. Tonight. Okay. Without telling her. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Tell your friends and family about the show we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense