Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 254: Dumb World Records & Favorite Johns - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Today, we teach you all about moth balls, how to always spell dessert correctly, and bailing out of a boring story. We crown a new spelling master, and wrap it up with a draft of our favorite ‘Johns’. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. you know it started it was better in the beginning yeah in the beginning it was like a cello or some kind of low bass got bored and then it was like i'm not sure this is good enough yeah yeah yeah welcome into the Spitballers. I lost my timing. Brand new episode for you. Yeah, there was some panic.

Episode 254. One of my favorite numbers. Jason is here. You did say that very expectantly. Like, oh my gosh, guys, this is 254. Huh? Huh, guys? 254?

I just expect you to talk. I was just doing it. Mike is here. Yeah, no, they heard. They heard me open the show. Ba-da-boo! Would you rather Highway to Spell? And we are drafting our favorite people named John on today's show.

So it could be historical figures, could be pop culture, could be anything. Oh. As long as their name's John. I thought. I'm going with all my friends. Yeah. John Smith. That's your friend.

I was going to go with a toilet, but apparently these are people named John. Mm-hmm. Oh. My favorite Johns are Toto. Toto. named John. Oh. These are our favorite. My favorite Johns are. Toto. Toto. Yeah, we know.

We know your favorite. At SpitballersPod over on Twitter. And let's kick it off. Would you rather. Elena from Twitter says, would you rather gain 5% of your body weight or lose 50% of your body weight? Interesting. Okay. Okay.

I would rather gain 5% of my body weight. I can't be 100 pounds. Yes. I'm sitting at basically two bills between 2 and 210. So that drops me down to 100 that's just not and 100 pounds at six feet tall is it's a problem yeah that's not gonna look good no it's we're gonna it's not gonna look good it's not gonna feel good no i imagine i will be incredibly weak yeah wait i mean i will be so five percent of your body weight if you're 200 would be 10 pounds.

Yeah. Okay. That's fine. I mean, you're going to get. That's dinner. I can handle that. Now, let me ask you this. That's easy peasy.

What day does this go into effect? Saturday. Oh, dang. All right. What today is? Did I throw up your plate? No, he's going to try to beef up. I'm going to try to bulk up, baby.

I'm going to try to pack on them pounds. How much? Bull season. Could I get three months? This will go into effect three months from now. No, no, no. New world. Every year, your weight halves on a specific day.

Every year? Every year. Dude, you know the kind of eating you have to get up to a weight you'd be happy with the half so that you don't you know you don't want to get too low and then you die so like i'm gonna go three bills 150 three bills 150 right i can live that life i can live that's so much eating but the the thing is is what you would have to do in order to succeed at that new life yeah every june at first start your weight in half january 1st so okay yeah yeah calendar year uh january 1st i have to double my body weight in 365 days and i would enjoy the heck out of that. I would.

Can that be? You can do that, right? You could do that, but you would start to feel. That's the funny part is you'd feel bad over the last few months. No, you would feel bad immediately. You'd feel bad immediately. Because you're still eating bad. If you have to gain 150 pounds.

That's more than 10 a month. I mean're just of gain that's full-time eating you're gonna be eating so much you're gonna feel so bad but you're gonna be doing the thing that like when you hear about actors like well how did you do that like well in the morning i would pull out a two gallon uh thing of vanilla ice cream and I would let it melt because then I would just drink it. Wait, why is that bad? I'm really confused. In the moment, that's going to be a really fun couple minutes. I read a story the other day.

Then pain. And it's like, is this real life? But it was about a woman who was very large, and her goal is to gain 100 pounds a year. Wait, what? And she married a chef. Wait a minute. What?

This is all real. This is a- What? And she married a chef, and the chef wakes up in the morning, and his goal is to help her get 100 pounds a year. That's love. And so, the reason I bring it up is the fact that the calories that she takes in daily, she says her average day is about 24,000 calories.

And her highest day has been 40,000. This is a real story. This is a real story. Her highest day was 40,000? Yeah, 40,000. She eats a carton of eggs every morning. How? Well, with her mouth.

Well, yeah. Don't even believe that. Yeah, I have it, right? Well, she's over 750 pounds right now. No, stop. So that means next year she wants to be 850 pounds. So she just wants like one year left. Is this like an avant-garde art piece?

What is happening? Who sets up for that as the goal? It's an art piece. I mean, seriously, if that is your goal, oh, no, it's 100 pounds. What are you doing? Nothing. You can't do anything or you'll burn calories. Yeah, I mean.

You've got to be real careful not to move much and she she married the right yeah i mean partner or the wrong partner yeah this is some real enabling i know i know but this became a story a new story all i can see in my head is job of the hut that's just that's it because at some point you're gonna become job of the hut at some point, you're going to become Jabba the Hutt. At some point, you will. Yes. I think that point might be here. Man, that is crazy.

Sadly, 750. Getting to 850, you might not make it. No. That is the really hard thing. About goals? About really difficult goals is sometimes to achieve them takes great sacrifice. It's just the idea that you could just snap your fingers once a year and half it. Would you turn that power on?

Let me ask you that, Mike. If you could do that. Can I turn it off? No. It's a one-time choice. But I'm saying. The wizard shows up and says. Is it a lifetime? Yeah, it's a lifetime. No, I'm not doing that. You can't do it off no it's a one-time choice but i'm saying the wizard shows up and it's a lifetime yeah it's like no i'm not doing it you can't do it lifetime but if it was a one time if you have

a one-time use yeah of this coupon just don't die before that date is that the goal yeah yeah it's just like someday whenever you want and it's your choice you could snap your fingers and you can go half your body weight i I would absolutely use that. Yeah, but would you? Here's the problem. If you were going to use it and it's one time, you hit that 300. Are you pushing to four? Oh, I'd be going over three for sure.

Yeah, I'm going. If I've got a one-time use, I think I get to 330. But then, remember, once you snap that, you never get to go back to that again yeah i think you'd push for 400 bills because half of that's 200 yeah oh man there's i think i get 350 i'm going 350 i can achieve that i that. I can do it. I think I can live through that. She weighs 727 pounds. No. She wants to break the world record, which is 1,600 pounds. What?

What? Is that true, Al? That's what Jabba weighed? 1,600 pounds? She consumes over 20,000 a day. As a human being? 1,600? No. Out of your bones? I'm going to ask a real science question here.

Does your appetite grow when you grow? Yeah. So does your stomach get bigger? Yes. From stretching? Yes, it stretches larger. And then do you need to eat more if you have a bigger stomach? To feel full?

Probably to feel full, yeah. So she wants to gain twice the weight. What are we... There's a lot of weird stuff out there, Mike. I know. World records... We gotta stop. How many things have happened because

of that illustrious world record that are bad? We got to knock it off with the world records. There needs to be, like, we can have some, you know, have sporting events, and we need to put a committee together, and we can vote on how many world records we allow that are not sports for them. That's a great idea. There's, like, there's 50.

There's 50 world records that are allowed. You can't have world records over everything. I just saw a world record of a person that broke it and it was the furthest golf drive caught in a moving car yeah exactly and they were going wild with joy i mean it was why it was cool to watch because they got a world record it was awesome to watch we've seen we've got a world record. It was awesome to watch, to be honest. We've seen the longest walk on Legos, all sorts of things like that. No, get out of here. That's not allowed. Completely, Mike.

There's only four world records left. No, there's... Tallest man, shortest man. It's probably 100. I think there's 100 valuable things that you could say this should be. In fact, I would love to have a special episode where where we create that and that's all we do we sit around for hours this episode is going to be eight nine hours as we debate which things are in the top 100 like for

instance how long you can hold your breath underwater that's in oh yeah i feel like that's a sporting event yeah that makes sense what about the the dude perfect guys with the basketball shot would that one be no nope that's uh tallest basketball shots no way that's no that's a cool trick shot that's not world record these are things that people do i have held my breath underwater like i've tried that well you're saying something that everybody does it's just an athletic feat it's it doesn't have to be athletic necessarily what about longest mustache hair no no no no, no, no. That's out? Longest, biggest beard?

Yeah, nope, that's out. That's classic world record stuff. Longest fingernails has to be in there. Longest fingernails is absolutely in. What? Yeah, that's a normal one. That's a normal one. That's in.

It's sideshow. No. And the beard is going to be discussed. This is what I'm saying. It's going to be a 9, 10-hour podcast. Could it just be stuff that you'd want to see at a circus? Yes. Is that the world records? No.

No. All right. We're going to have to really hunker down to get this list. Look, it's a money-making venture for them. That's where I was thinking. I want to develop the secondary tier. If you don't want to go spend up for the world record, you can have the like. That's why we have.

There is scarcity involved in our world record system. There's only a hundred of them. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. When we go to Mars, are there all new records to be broken there? Yes. Ooh, it's going to be so easy. Because it's a world record, right?

Hold your breath for 30 seconds. Longest time on Mars with my helmet off. Oh, no. Try it. Just try it. Ain ate the most space dust um but all the records restart on mark yeah because it's not a world record yeah there's a record holder in you on earth you can now create oh a third tier there's well now you could create the oh universe universe records well you've gone too far. We got to go solar system. Okay, solar system.

Then galaxy. I mean, guys, there's infinite money for us to get here. Sorry, clarification. The world record for the heaviest woman is 1,200 pounds. Oh, she wants to shatter the record. All right, we're moving on. That's a woman. I'll bet the fattest person in the world was a man.

Yeah, 1,400. Yeah. That makes me sad. Kenshi from Patreon. At this point in life, would you rather have all your closest friends be 80 years old or 18 years old? Oh, no. I get what you're saying now. Because they're both terrible.

So we're all about 40, which means that your best friends either all become 18, and I'm not going to want to hang out with you. No. Oh, I'm totally down. And then all of their friends become 80, in which case. Hello, fellow young people. Yeah. Hello, fellow young people.

I'm in. I want all my friends to be 18. Keep me young. Keep me young. Make me young. You're not keeping up, Jason. I know I'm not keeping up, but I know that- You're going down. Absolutely.

And I will go down in a blaze of glory. That is absolutely fine. It's like grandparents when they're having to watch grandchildren a lot. It keeps them young. I mean, they'll tire them out. It's not easy, but I would much rather that. If your friends are all 18, all they're trying to do is hate you. Oh my gosh, I'm going to hate my friends so much.

You're going to hate them, and all they want from you is they want you to break the law. That's what they want. They want you to go because they're not 21. That's the only reason that they're going to be friends with you. I mean, this is such an easy question for me. The problem is 80 is up there. Oh, 80 is terrible. Enjoy watching all your friends die real soon.

Imagine having lunch with all your friends and their 80 and their 10. Lunch? That's dinner at 3 p.m. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. No, I'm not talking about time. I'm talking about physically watching them eat. Disgusting.

Just absolutely disgusting. Always just dates. They're just eating prunes and dates. And porridge. And nuts. Orange? Old people eat a lot of nuts, too. Well, I mean, they're very nutritional.

I know. They're on to something. But just, oh, they're going to bore you, and they're going to beat. Oh, they'll be asleep half the time you're there. They're going to smell like death. Oh, they smell like mothballs. Yeah, it's the same smell, guys. The smell of death is mothballs.

Detour, why are old people obsessed with mothballs? Are there moths everywhere that I don't see? Back in the day, the number one terror of the United States was moths. Back it up further. What is a moth ball? Is that a thing? Yes. It's a chemical inside of a small plastic ball.

And you put it in your jackets in the closet. What? Closet or the attic. Both for old people. And it keeps the moths from eating the fabric. Wait. Okay. So I just Googled mothball i

see it the first thing asked is why are mothballs illegal they're classified as a pesticide they're illegal yeah they're actually a pesticide it's like asbestos they're a chemical pesticide and they have a distinct smell is that why all people smell? Because they all smell like pesticides. Wait, is that why they're dying? Yes, probably. They're just putting pesticides in all their clothes? That does not sound healthy. I still believe in it. Adam? And

I was shopping for houses once and we went into a bunch of homes and then one was one of those mothball bombs and the whole house smelled just atrocious. But they do keep squirrels, skunks, deer, mice, rats, snakes, and moths away. Yeah. Living creatures know better than to go to the poison. And us humans are like, yep, this is how I must keep the animals away.

Horribly toxic to dogs. They keep away young people as well. I mean, genuinely. Dogs. They keep away young people as well. I mean, genuinely. Like, I remember going to my great-grandmother's house, and I couldn't exist in there. I was like, I'm going to be out front on the porch.

I cannot be in here. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to go 18-year-old. Of course you're going to go 18-year-old. You're here to party. You're going to have a great time. You're going to be exhausted. They'll let me leave early, right? They'll keep partying. You're here to party. You're going to have a great time. You're going to be exhausted. Don't let me leave early, right? They'll keep partying.

They're still your friends. You can leave early. You can enjoy a 30-minute run with them. You know what else you did is you just gave them more life. If they're really your friends, do you want to take all your friends and be like, poof, y'all 80 years old. I just took away so much of your life. No, poof, you're 18. You're young again.

Yeah, I mean, it's the choice here. If you said, would it change if I said closest friends were 60 instead of 80? 60. Yeah, not for me. If you said they're 42 or 18, I'm like, let's go, baby. Let's young again. Jason's going through some stuff. Midlife crisis. Jason wants to say

if you could keep your friends this age and I could become 18. I'm going to pick them all up in my Corvette. Yeah. He's got his Miata. Going to put the tap down. All right. Claire from the website. Would you rather have three foot long hair Oh, world record stuff. Or a three foot long beard.

Three feet. One, two. Oh, that's long long it's it's easy top that's real long that's a yard nice thank you good little uh math conversion joke for you you weren't tracking would you like a yard of hair on top of your head or a yard of a beard? They really could have saved us some syllables. It's got to be the hair. It has to be the hair. The beard's a problem? Well, the beard, you can't hide a beard.

You can't do anything different with a beard. No, you can braid it. Sure. But then you got a giant braided beard. That is a problem. It is not a good look. Okay, the hair's going to be a son of a gun to wash. Yeah.

As Mike has taught us, you don't wash it. That's right. Only one of us has had a yard of hair before. He's never had a yard. Oh, absolutely he had a yard of hair. No. Not a yard. No.

Maybe a foot. You know that three feet is a yard, but you don't know how big a yard really is. He's not been close to a yard. has absolutely been close to you it depends on where do you start measuring from you don't start measuring from the shoulders from the scalp is definitely a yard not even close not even close to that stuff went down the man with the hair at your peak i remember one time close to his butt. At one time. Al. You had this man bun that I didn't even know. And one day you took it down.

This was way back in the day. And it touched the floor. This is when we were all in the bedroom. And you shook it out. Eight years ago. And I'm telling you, your hair went to your butt. It did not. I was not in Hair the Musical.

No. I had a man bun. My hair was probably a foot and a half at the most. Double what you saw. All right, half a yard. It was at least half a yard. That's fine. All right.

Say that. I just feel like- It was three feet if it was two feet. If you had three feet of hair, wouldn't you get it caught indoors and stuff like that? Yeah, you have to have it braided. But I think you're in much more danger with the beard. What about the looks? Do you like the looks of three feet of hair down to your butt?

Or three foot beard, you might be cooler. Three feet beard is not cool. Three feet of beard is it says what about vikings vikings you they break double braid viking style if i if i were to have the beard i do think i would have to carry around an axe or two uh with you just to make sure that i like you carry around an axe you carry around a guitar like if i have the beard i mean it's nice because then i'm i'm in a zz top cover band and now that'd be pretty sweet like i'm open to that as long as it makes money the hair you can do more things with you could put it up in a man bun or i mean that's gonna be a huge bun you should

know you had a yard of hair mike you did just fine with it. Let down your hair. Also, to be factored in, the, like, if you had your head is that, your hair is that long on your head, that's very heavy. Yeah. Where you're... Tell us about it. Tell us about your experience having a young man. I'm telling you, I was

only halfway there, and it's very heavy. Remember when he used to put the man bun up, he could barely hold his head up. Alright, I i'm gonna officially go the beard you guys going here yeah i'm going here uh yeah franklin from patreon would you rather listen to a boring story or tell a story everyone thought was boring times a million i'd rather listen to a boring story oh really i have accidentally told boring stories because everybody's done it and you get into it and here's the problem with the boring story one you know it's better than how you told it two you know when it goes bad when it spoils

and three you feel like you got to finish it yeah but then you start to go how do i finish this fast and just get this over with you know halfway through the boring story that this is boring. They're not reacting how I hope. This is boring. I got to wrap this up quick, but you're only in the middle. As soon as you say, look, you probably had to be there. But. Yeah, that's.

Because we all say that because we think saying that will re-energize the room and bring people back into the story except you're just pushing people further away i don't think we say that to re-energize i think we say it to say disclaimer just to say like it was better than what i'm saying like you had to be there because it was good this isn't but it was good i'm gonna keep telling you about it yeah yeah yeah i mean if i'm listening to a boring story, I've got all the moves. I mean, I know the nod. I know the yeps.

Sometimes I'll finish the sentence real quick to try to get over faster. Yes. Yeah. I hate boring stories. I don't like when I'm listening to a boring story. Think about, and this is for everyone because everyone knows what this means. Think about the talker in your life. You all know whoever it is in your life, a realtor, a finance guy, someone that just talks and talks and talks. Those stories are,

I mean, they, you all know someone, you you everyone in the world has a couple of these people and you don't want to hear those stories again you just don't want to hear it and so i'm i'm gonna tell the story i'm picking would you rather hear a good story five times or a bad story once good story yeah good story five times i will enjoy laughing, and I'll watch a good movie a hundred times. If it's a good story, I want to hear it again. Oh, tell that story. Tell that story that I've already heard once. Tell so-and-so this story.

So that begs the movie question. Let's say it's a movie you like, and it's two hours long. Would you rather watch that movie five times, or would you rather watch a boring movie one time that's at two hours long no of course five times is a good movie yeah but you i mean like i it's a challenge for you you have to go through 10 hours of watching movies or one to be done with it yeah you'd watch 10 hours of movie i would watch 10 hours of and if it's a good movie i'm gonna enjoy all 10 i'm gonna try and memorize really oh yeah i mean it's this good movie, I'm going to enjoy all 10. I'm going to try and memorize it. Really? Oh, yeah.

I feel like you'd get bored. Nah, it's human nature. And you'd have to do it so much longer. That's why we all do that. That should be a fantasy football punishment, is a bad movie, and they have to watch it for 24 straight hours. That's a really bad punishment. Or just 24 hours of bad movies. Yeah, they'd be good like hey no you're on it like every the other 11 teams everyone picks everyone picks a movie that's a good one

and it's a you're making a movie marathon that'd be 22 hours a movie and then you have to pick your own bad one to finish the 24 hours yes how long do you get to finish this? Two weeks? Oh, no, no, no. It's consecutive. Well, but like if we were to really, you think you would make someone stay up 24 hours watching these boring movies? They're going to fall asleep. You don't have to do it that way. You could make them do it over the course of a month. My initial idea was you make them movie marathon, but then someone has to keep tabs, and that means that I have to go over there like during, no, no, no. They have to submit a report. They have to, every movie, every movie, they have to submit a report, their favorite parts.

Yeah. With photos of them watching it. Timestamped. That's pretty funny. That's a good idea. Brooks, write this down. Yeah. Um, all right.

Uh, so we're all, I, I'd rather listen to the boring story. I don't want to be, I'm so embarrassed if I do something like that. I wish I could go back in time and not start the story if I tell the boring story. Yeah. So I'm going to just not embarrass myself. We need to make it socially acceptable to – as the storyteller. Oh, cancel? Yeah, just bail out. Be like be like spill your drink is what i

might i recommend well i'm saying like we we we all feel the need we have to complete the story and just be telling the story you know what this is a bad story yeah i'm sorry yes mike yes hi i'm sorry and then. I wish this had never happened to me. But because I have apologized, that means everyone has to drop it and we move on. Good luck. We don't spend five minutes riffing on how my story was terrible. I've apologized. Next.

That would take a lot of self-control from the crowd. I go with the, what's that? And then I run. I'm just running out. I do agree. We should, as a people, starting here and now, the three of us and the spitwads out there,

if you catch yourself in the middle of a boring story, call it out. Apologize and stop. Do not. What if someone else catches you? That's fine. Boring! If someone says boring, you go, oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry. I'm done here.

All right. I like it. All right. It's time to move on. Jason is the returning champ of. Highway to Spell. highway to spell well i think we all were hesitant to participate today because we thought we had done this recently and maybe we would be out of it for a while but highway to spell jason gets to start right he's the defending champion that's not how this works but i am the defending champion he's correct yeah oh

i bet he is um i'll keep getting used to saying highway to spell we will be spelling some of the most advanced words in the english language correctly begin all right we're going to start in fifth grade like we always do and we're going to start with andy like we always do andy your fifth grade level word is? Decimal. Okay, wait, I know this one. Decimal. All right, D-E-C-I-M-A-L, decimal. Yeah, okay.

We all had that one. We all knew that one. That's easy. Easy peasy. Alrighty, moving on to Mike. Mike, your fifth grade level word? Paragraph. Okay, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on, we know this one. Hold. P-A-R-A-G-R-A-P-H. Not delivered with the confidence that you should have had. Sometimes when you say a letter and you're on the next letter, in your head you go, wait, did I get it wrong? Did I say the wrong letter okay

spelling is not easy we're dominating all right champ your fifth grade level word dessert oh all right two scoops baby two scoops for dessert d-e-s-s-e-r-t how can that be the part i don't know i just wrote i knew how to spell it oh man is that is the two sc I don't know. I just wrote. I knew how to spell it. Oh, man. Is the two scoops, is that your trick to know that it's two acids? Desert versus dessert. It's two scoops?

Two scoops of ice cream for dessert. That's so smart. That's going to help. Look, I'm not the champ for no reason, okay? I'm the smartest speller alive. I have written desert way too many times. Two scoops. Instead of dessert.

Two scoops. I don't want two scoops of desert. This is an educational podcast. Always. All right. Back to Andy. Your sixth grade level word. Rehearse.

Uh-oh. Well, that's not right. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Oh, no. I'm writing the same thing over and over again, but I think it's wrong every time. Hold on.

What? Rehearse? Please repeat the word. Oh. Oh, it looks so wrong. I've written it a couple times, and it looks wrong, but I'm very confident. I'm just going to go with what I wrote. R-E-H-E-R-S-E. Rehearse.

Oh, yes. I had to process. You said R-E-H-E-R-S-E? Yes. That is what he said. That is incorrect. Yeah, it doesn't look right. Is there an A in there?

There is an A. R-E-H-E-A-R-S-E. That's what i wrote dude it looked wrong it i did the same thing i wrote it was wrong i said this word's easy i wrote it correctly and then looked at it and said no that's wrong yeah well great all right man jay you're on your way that would have been jason's word if it started with him that's for darn sure maybe i did write it correctly oh you did i did but then i crossed it out and wrote it incorrectly so yes we all did it yeah

all right mike your sixth grade level word temperature i like her pronunciation that this is so easy uh oh great hold on yeah temperature play hers though temperature yeah that's not that's not helpful yeah that's not a great pronunciation but that's all i got temperature what's the temperature outside let's see if this one's any better temperature a little better yeah i mean whatever i'm going with this t-e-m-p-e-r-a-t-u-r-e no thanks to that lady if i get this wrong mike you win temperature temperature all right jason i don't want to see any tanking here temperature. Here's your sixth grade level word. Knowledge. Oh, yeah, baby. It's half the battle.

Okay. Just making sure there's no D in there. Let me write this one more time with a D. All right. Now I'm the greatest speller alive. Don't forget about it. Uh, knowledge. K N O W L E G E. Oh no. There's a D. There's a D. There's a D. Oh shoot. A D stands for defeated. D stands for dummy. Champion. Sixth grade won it. Yeah.

Sixth grade. We're not on a good streak here. Cheers. Cheers to all. To the champ. To the champ. Off to the draft. We go, Mike. No, no.

Mike's got to keep going. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's see how far you can go. Where can I take this? Here's your seventh grade level word. All right. Significance.

That seems doable. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. I think you got this. Significance. S-I-G-N-I-F-I-C-A-N-C-E. Yeah.

Speed speller. All right. Bring it on. We are moving on to eighth grade. Here is your word. Get to high school. Adolescence. Never mind.

Uh-oh. Yeah, that's a good time. Back half of that is no party. Adolescence. Uh-oh. I got the first letter. Uh-oh. You got the first letter?

Yeah. I think I have it right. We'll see when Mike gets it. There's a space in the end where there could be a mystery letter. the first letter yeah i think i think i have it right we'll see when mike there there's there's a space in the end where there could be a mystery letter a hidden compartment in this word oh man i spelled i promise you what i wrote down is wrong in three places let me see if you're a Okay, here we go. Adolescence. Your end is- A-D-O-L-E-S-C-E-N-C-E. That's what I got. Yeah.

Okay, I had the mystery letter. Yeah, well done. I did it wrong the first time. Jason did not have that right. I went S-E at the end. I started with that. I did not finish. All right, ninth grade.

Oh, high school. All right, here's your ninth grade level word. Homogenize. All right. I'm out. I'm glad I'm out. Homogenize? Yes.

I mean. Homogenize. H-O-M-O-G-E-N-I-Z-E. Oh, I had an I in the middle of that. Okay. I have gotten the majority of these wrong. Alright, time to see if Mike can become a sophomore.

Let's go. Alright. Here is your 10th grade level word. Incredulous. I think you're getting a good draw here. Yeah, you write it out. Incredulous. It always sounds easy and then you put pen to paper i'm out on this one yeah that's fair i got the words right in front of me cred you got the incred part huh but it's the u-lass all right incredulous i-n-c-r-e-d-u-l-o-u-s oh yes this i think this is the furthest anybody's gotten if

i'm not mistaken i'm graduating today boys you were out on the first word if you can graduate yeah i've only got through 12th so oh you can graduate is your 11th grade level word. Let's go. Grandiloquence. I've never even heard that word. What was it? Grandiloquence. A lofty, extravagantly colorful, pompous, or bombastic style, manner, or quality. Grandiloquence. Okay, we're going as it sounds. Let's go.

G-R-A-N-D-I-L-I-C-U-E-N-C-E. going as it sounds. Let's go. G R a N D I L I C U E N C E. Oh, there is an O O quince. Go ahead and spell it. It was G R a N D I L O Q U E N C E. That is correct. Held back. Good work, Mike. You were, you were the champ plus six grades I think, or I feel like I lost though. I thought, well, I know you did. I could go all the way. You did great. Very grand eloquence there. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting. Favorite people named John. Mike has the first pick.

I do. Historical, fictional, doesn't matter. Just has to be named John. We set the bar very low. I have two Johns that actually I want to draft here. But, look, our other podcast is football. Got to pay homage to the greatest. Boo!

John Madden. Wow. Wasn't the man, the myth, the legend. On my list. Me neither. That is a terrible mistake. I couldn't take the risk. I thought there was a chance just due to the fact that there are so many people named John.

But John Madden revolutionized football revolutionized video games. Number one, John was boom. Tough acting tonight. That's right, baby. All right, Jason Madden, you get to pick from all the Johns out there. All but one. Um, I cannot pick John Madden. I will. Hmm. I know who I, I know who my next pick is if he gets back to me because it's right before Mike but I'm going to take one of my favorite Oh you're a dirty dog I'm going to take one of my favorite Johns

he's awesome one of my favorite shows of all time he doesn't know a lot but I'm going to take John Snow from Game of Thrones who knows nothing Is he a He's a J-O-N But I'm going to take Jon Snow from Game of Thrones who knows nothing. Is he a... He's a J-O-N.

Yeah. He's a J-O-N. That counts though. We can go H or no H here. No, I understand. H or no H, Johnny. But the question is, how did that happen? The removal of H?

Yeah. It's easy. It originally had an H and then people were like, how do you spell Jon? Well, it was J-O-N. What do you mean? How would you spell it? John, J-O-N. John.

Yeah, it's not John. There's a highway to spell. I didn't have either of those on my list. Wow. My first pick is going to be Locust and Honey. I'm taking John the Baptist. Okay. Taking John the Baptist. Very famous. Number one, my second John. The most famous of the Baptists. Yes. Of all the baptizing, John was the most famous. So I will take John the Baptist And then

I am Fairly indifferent I'm just kind of I'm going to go with my heart Take me home country roads John Denver Is pick number two Without a shadow of a doubt

You knew that Johnny Denver Was getting drafted over there Now the worst part is if I had been smart I could have had him with my last pick quite easily 100% I knew that Johnny Denver was getting drafted. Now, the worst part is if I had been smart, I could have had him with my last pick quite easily. Whoa. For sure. For sure.

But that would be disrespectful to you. That's why I did it. It's like to me. Don't play the game. John the Baptist, John Denver, those are my two giants. We don't play the game here. We don't take other people's things they like. I mean. With my pick.

Yeah, which one? I'm going john wick okay john wick uh and i'm starting to realize i just want all fictional awesome johns okay so i got john snow and john wick i can hold my own and kill lots of people john wick funny enough like i was i don't know when i was thinking about it it was recently because you know like like are there real big action heroes right now that you know the in the 80s in the early 90s we had just non-stop action movies and now they're just there doesn't seem to be a ton of them and john wick was this movie like that felt it felt like it came out of nowhere and then it just became a cult classic and now there's four of them i think they're doing a whole spin-off series it's just the the rise of

the of the wick is he getting too old now yeah oh yeah yep that that the last i think he's done right he is he entering the liam neeson action phase of his career he yes so yo he's uh 59 yes i was gonna guess late 50s yeah wow which he looks like he looks but tom cruise is 61 and he's still doing it but he's looking old too yeah but keanu Reeves, just absolute superstar, a true American national treasure. And John Wick 4, while the movie was fantastic, he was looking considerably slower than the first two. Yeah.

All right, Mike, you have John Madden. You get two picks. You took my lovely John Wick, but you could not get the other one i will take john mclean nice from die hard the original action hero that's a good one somehow kept making more and more die hard movies uh but die hard my favorite action movie would i don't know john wick might have taken over for it but But John McClane, he's on there. He's just, he is a true action hero. And then for my next pick, the other guy who I thought could go number one,

we talked about him at lunch, but it's John Williams. Yeah. Composer. Composer, not a composer, the composer, which everything that this dude writes, he just cranks out certified bangers nonstop. And the guy, like, his music is so incredible. It is inspiring to anyone who's getting into that type of cinematic universe. You ever see the old videos of, like, Steven Spielberg and him collaborating on E.T.?

I have not. And back then they had to have the film in the room and play the film on the wall while he's at the piano. And he just has a little... And he's figuring out the timing. It was like true art. To write that to picture while creating that level of emotion is incredible. If you're unfamiliar with John Williams, like you're just-

You're not. No, you're not. You're not. Star Wars? Yeah. E.T. E.T. Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Jaws. Jaws. Superman? Nope. No?

No. It's on- Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. I was thinking Back to the Future was not Williams. And then Interstellar, which Harry Potter? Is that Williams?

I believe so. This guy does it all, man! He is unbelievable. He's the best! John Williams is so great. Alright, does that mean I'm back up? Yeah. You know, here's what's so sad is John Williams deserves to be on this list. He's one of the best Johns of all time, for sure.

And I saw his name and I was like, ooh, I got to have him on my list. And then I was like, eh, people might not recognize immediately who John Williams is. And that's disrespectful to him. Get edumacated. I am happy that you're here to correct me. That's why you went with John Snow. Yeah. People know who John Snow is.

Fake person, John Snow. Fake person, Jon Snow. Fake person, Jon Snow. All right. I don't have as many fake Johns left that I really want to keep it going. So I'm thinking I'm going to the real world now. I'm going to go to some Johns that may be. Okay. I'm going to take this John because he's one of the most famous Johns.

And honestly, he's a Johnny. He's a Johnny. Okay. That counts, right? Yeah, of course. Johnny's good, but Jonathan, we're out. Sure, no, that's fine. He's easily the most famous Johnny of all time,

and I don't know if he's real or not. I think he is. I'm taking Johnny Appleseed, baby. Y'all know him. Y'all know him. Y'all know him? Y'all know the story. Johnny Appleseed? Johnny Appleseed.

Of course we're aware of the stories. Was he a real person? I don't know. There's no way. Wait, this isn't the guy that cut down George Washington's tree, is it? No, that was George Washington. Oh. Johnny Appleseed is a real person.

No, Johnny Appleseed is credited with just walking the United States, throwing apple seeds everywhere, basically. That's what Johnny Appleseed did, and you just picked him? Yeah, baby. You went from John Williams, oh, I can't take that guy, to Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed, baby. Respect the apple. In the beginning, you said, I'm pivoting to the real world, and you don't even know if it was real.

No, I just found out he is real. What year do you think he was born? The 7th? 8th? 18? 52? 1774. 1774.

Okay. That's when we were coming into our own. Wow. That is not what I expected expected got some tricks up my sleeve uh real name jonathan chapman i like apple seed better okay all right and didn't he just was like super into apples so he started planting them everywhere i didn't go that far down i was out it was I bailed out. Oh, my gosh.

Let me tell you a real exciting story, everyone. Johnny Appleseed. I guess I want some. I need some prestige in my list. You can't have them. I just took them. I'm going to close out my draft with John Adams, the second president of the United States. Okay. Get presidential.

There's several John presidents to be selected. And you went with Adams? Yeah. Okay. Born right around the same time as Johnny Appleseed. Yeah. I'm competing with Appleseed. Wait, he was?

Yeah. 1735. No, no, no. You're looking up like Quincy. Oh, possibly. Yeah, 1735. No, no, no. You're looking up like Quincy. Oh, possibly. No, 1735. No, John Adams was 17. Oh, no, that's right.

That's right. You're right. 1735. Yeah, because he served in the late 1700s. Hold on, when did Appleseed get born? Get born? Whatever. When did he get born?

74, I believe. Yeah, you're right. No, that's not. You can't say 74. That would mean that one of the founding fathers was two years old when he's writing stuff. Get out of here. What? What are you talking about?

John Adams was the president from 1797 to 1801. Yeah. Which means he was probably born in 1735. 35. Yeah, I'm saying, and you're saying that Appleseed was in the 70s. Yeah. When we were writing everything. Yeah, but Appleseed was not a founding father.

He just had Appleseeds. No. He just loved Appletrees. No, he said they were born around the same time. Hey, Johnny Appleseed, get in here and help sign these docs. No, I got something to do. They were born in the same century. 40 years apart.

Yeah, but I'm taking the first John that They were born in the same century. 40 years apart. Yeah. I'm taking the first John that was president. In the 2000s. Are you like, I was born around the same time as FDR? I'm taking a founding father. That was my... That's the perfect example, Mike. I'm taking John Adams, and then I'm closing it out with a bit of a hack.

A bit of a trick. Oh, no. No last name Johns. No. Oh. No, no, no. I'm taking J. with a bit of a hack, a bit of a trick. Oh, no. No last name Johns. No. No, no, no. I'm taking J.R.R. Tolkien. Does the J stand for John? It stands for John.

That's what nobody would ever know. It's J.R.R. Tolkien as the final John, the author of The Lord of the Rings. You picked for the best John someone so embarrassed by their name they wouldn't allow it to be part of their name. That's what I was going to ask. He's not embarrassed. He's just an author. He just doesn't want it. They like to have that JK Rowling.

They like having the initials, CES Lewis. It was what they did. You weren't allowed to be an author if you didn't abbreviate. Why are they so embarrassed? They're not. They're just not. I think they are. Printing on a piece of paper took a lot of ink.

Shorten them names to letters. I think going letters is sad of you and ridiculous. I'm taking Tolkien. Mr. Appleseed. Next pick. I'm going with JFK, baby. The real John President, John F. Kennedy. The real?

Yeah, the realist. I mean, he was. Wait, what made him more real? More loved? No, I don't think so. More modern? I don't think he was more loved than one of the founding fathers of the United States. He was more modern.

John Adams wasn't loved. Yes, he was. John Adams was a loser. John Adams, straight up loser. Now, has anyone, wasn't, what was the Giamatti? Yeah, that was John Adams. People didn't like him? No, people didn't like him.

He was a loser. He was one of the founding fathers. The worst one? I like this bit so much. Yours didn't even finish his. Oh, come on! Come on, Andrew! Why don't you start fighting?

That's correct. Mine did not finish his tenure. Not too soon, right? I mean, if you're saying one is more hated than the other, you kind of don't have a very good argument. All right, we've got to move on. All right. Quincy's still there, Mike. mother you you kind of don't have a very good all right we've got to move on all right uh all right quincy's still there mike john quincy i can't tell them apart um oh boy i'm just gonna keep

padding the action here is john rambo oh oh rambo's name is. I forgot about that. Got McClain and Rambo, baby. He didn't get Wick. I know. Oh. I know. All right. Well, this took a real turn. Yeah, it did.

All right. Are we done? Yeah. All right. I'm sure we got a lot left on the list. Johnny Cash, John Stamos, John Wayne. I had a real problem because my number one pick was John. Like, John from the Bible. You know, but that's not John the Baptist. I had a real problem because my number one pick was John. Like, John from the Bible.

You know, but that's not John the Baptist. Right. But I felt like you can't have two. Yeah, you just say the Apostle John and then you got it. It just felt like you claimed the Bible already. You picked before me. I guess I did get a second president after you took president. I could have gone there.

It would have sounded funny. Who are we going to draft? John. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Would Little John have been great? Oh, Little John would have been great.

Yeah, Little John. John Candy was on my list. Lil John. Oh, yeah. You could go Little or Lil. Wait, that's the one I was talking about. You were talking about Little John? Yeah.

You weren't talking about Robin Hood. Oh, no. No, but that's a good one. Oh, I thought you were doing Robin Hood. No, I was saying Lil John You were talking about Lil Jon? You weren't talking about Robin Hood. Oh, I thought you were talking about Robin Hood. No, I was saying Lil Jon. Mr. Silver? Long John Silver? Okay, Long John.

That's a good one. Oh, that's a good one. Travolta. Travolta, Krasinski. John Lennon is the one that... I'm looking at... Sorry, Brooks. I took the hated president. John Adams.

At least Johnny Applesey got drafted. Yes. Thank you, Brooks. You get it. At least Johnny Applesey. Man. John Mayer, John Stewart, John Oliver. John Mayer is on my list.

That dude rips. John Elway. He's at the bottom of my list. Yeah, I don't care about Elway. I did like his restaurants. Do you hold it against John Elway that he didn't come back and go for a third Super Bowl? Nope. Nope. I just hold his announcing against him.

His what? Announcing his job that he does. His announcing? Yeah, commentating. No, he doesn't do that. Elway, no. You're thinking of Troy Aikman. I am thinking of Troy Aikman. Save that for the Troy drafts, you idiot. Okay, Troy, I'm taking the movie right off the bat.

And then this should have been the 101, but John C. Reilly, shout out. Wait, you had four picks. It should have been the 101. You took Johnny Appleseed. Pretty cool. John C. Reilly is on my list because he is great. What did we learn today? That Johnny Appleseed was real.

I learned that temperature is supposed to have three syllables only. Temperature. Temperature. Two scoops, boys. Two scoops. That was smart. That's how you spell dessert. Two scoops.

Why don't they teach like that? I think some people. Did you come up with that or were you taught it? I was taught it. Why don't they teach like that? I think some people. Did you come up with that or were you taught it? I was taught it. I don't know who or where or how. Probably from Ben or Jerry. See you later, everybody. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballersPod.com.