Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 255: Veggie Fraud & The Best Streaming Services - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

On this episode we talk about sitting in a no-phone zone, hearing problems, and smelling savory. We then dole out some top tier life advice. Lastly we draft our favorite streaming services. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's a classic. Just stick with it. Playing the hits. Yeah, I was going to say that's when you go to the grocery store and you just get what you normally get. Yeah, I got the milk, got the eggs, got the bread. Get out.

Check out. Yeah, you can make a meal. But, I mean the milk, got the eggs, got the bread. Get out. Check out. Yeah, you can make a meal. But, I mean, you've eaten that meal before. But it'll fill you up. The thing is, is in this grocery store what happened is I walked through the door and went, Oh, no. I'm at the grocery store. I had no idea I needed things at the grocery store.

So I just got the basics. Because that's what happened on the scat. It was about two seconds ago when I realized I got the basics because that's what happened on the scat it was uh it was about two seconds ago when i realized i got the scat yeah episode 255 of the spitballers welcome in to what 55 that button doesn't work on this show why don't you do it with your uh scat boys uh 55 do you uh use a list when you go to the grocery store? Not usually. I mean, it just depends on, you know, obviously if we've got a recipe and we're doing something specific, then yes.

But generally speaking, if I'm just going to the grocery store, I'm just going to load up. No? You're a list guy? No, no, no. Goodness heavens no. My wife tries to get me to use the list. The problem with the list is that when I receive the list, it is not anywhere near the arrangement of the grocery store.

And it causes chaos for me. I'm like, how do I? You know what I mean? You want to go top to bottom on the list. Exactly. But then you'd be zigzagging the store like crazy. Yes, and so I miss crap all the time, and so I just say, I'm going to go, and I will get what I get. Have you thought about, see, to me, one of the worst jobs in the world,

and I know that people are very good at it, so this is not an indictment on the job itself. This is an indictment on me, myself. But I am bad at finding things. Oh, I'm- And the idea of being one of the Instacart shoppers that has to shop for other people, I will make the least money per hour a person could make doing anything. Because I can't even go and functionally get three items at a store without getting lost, questioning whether I'm getting the wrong one.

Like, I will be a one-star Instacart person making 42 cents an hour. When my wife gives me a list of, like, all right, we need these things. I need, I need like, show me photos, show me photographs of this. I need to know what color this is. The purple one. This is the purple can. Oh, that's such a good idea. I mean, so if I was an Instacart shopper, it's over. I'd be the, I'd be at that store. I'd get my first order. I'd walk in, I'd leave seven hours later with everything that's on whoever's list. I have no idea. The best part of that, when you have that situation at the grocery store, is when you can't find the item you're looking for,

that means that there will be no employees anywhere. Oh, for sure. They will be nowhere. You can go up and down the aisle and you will not find them. However, if you know where your item is, the employees, there's just, there's way too many people working today. Would you like any help? Yeah. You're like, no, I've told you, I don know where your item is, the employees, there's way too many people working today. Would you like any help? You're like, no, I've told you I don't want your help.

Be here when I can't find my stuff. That is another interesting topic as we spitball here. But the stores that have an overabundance of people asking you if you need help, those are real bad. Like a real problem to me i know it's friendly right but i can only tell people no i don't need help so many times before it becomes an oppressive place to be yeah i wonder if anybody's ever fought back you know what i mean like on the like uh what do you mean you help no no i'm good thank you and then you walk five more steps someone else comes up you know oh what can i help you with no i'm good and then you walk five more steps you might hit a breaking point you know where someone comes up what can i help you find nothing let me shop in peace yeah it's

it's uh i don't know. Now you can go to stores and just order from like kiosks, like McDonald's. My son took his scooter. The robot? Yeah, he took his scooter to McDonald's the other day because he wanted to express his teenage freedom. Ah, yes. And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, at least he has to go order and pay and all of that.

No. No, we didn't. No human interaction because uh he's just i ended up meeting him over there after he had ordered his apple pie is that all he got and fries and burger and all of that oh and soda and everything and he's just sitting there he had ordered me one i'm like oh man he had to go up and do it twice no it was a machine. It's the future. Also, wow, we're just distracted. McDonald's. Have you been inside some of these McDonald's lately?

They're very nice. They're elegant. I hate to use the word elegant. Wait, McDonald's is a nice place now? It's classical music. Have you heard this? It's super nice inside. You're going to love it.

Bring some candles. They just got some Bach. It sounds like I'm telling you a joke, but it's clean, classical music, quiet. Delicious. And suddenly the food tasted better. Is this because you can order from the robots so they don't have to pay people anymore? I don't know what it is. It was shocking.

I was like, well, this is nice. Welcome into the show. I need to go to a nice McDonald's. The one over by me. You got to come. The one that's connected to the gas station? No, no, no, no, no. Oh.

I was like, oh, my God. That's next level. No, no, no. We'll go together. It'll be like a double date. I mean, it's next level. No, no, no. We'll go together. It'll be like a double date. I mean, it's so nice in the restaurant. Do you have to dress up now? You do have to tip, yeah.

Collared shirts. Al Borland, how are you doing today? Doing well. The judge is here as well, joining us on another Spitballers episode. We have Would You Rather, some life advice that we're doling out, and then we're drafting the best streaming services. So we're looking at those video streaming services. You know, the ones that let you cord cut and get rid of cable and pay so much less to have nine of them.

Yeah. Whoopsies. We just made the same system. Man, I can't wait until I can pay one person and get all of them oh man yeah like oh that's gonna happen if there was just one provider that would package them into a nice but we'll call it a bundle into like a bundle yeah 100 is going to happen oh for sure for sure oh my gosh it's all a circle we just keep living through the same things 20 years later. That's really funny. All right, let's kick it off.

Would you rather? Ken Shee from Patreon says, Would you rather, for one month, be dumped into the middle of a forest with a lighter, a knife, an axe? A month? And a rifle with six shots? month and a rifle with six shots or be dumped into the middle of a busy foreign city without any extra clothes no money and no contact with anyone you know for the duration of the month i mean this is obviously a very uh complicated scenario to to work out here it's unfortunately very easy for me city yes because if i am in the city there is a chance

that someone takes pity on on me and helps me out if i am alone for a month in the middle of the i don't a rifle with six shots great i'm that's gonna help me none that's a baseball bat yeah at that point that's like you're not hitting anything with your with six shots well i mean if i have yeah if i have a lighter and i assume that part of the rifle is made out of wood at least i have you're gonna light your rifle on fire hey look desperate times man here's the thing about the first thing i thought about with the rifle six shots right so you could hunt but you will need to keep some I would need to keep some bullets for self-defense from a bear. And so how many bullets do you need for the hunting? Your rifle's not stopping a bear.

Six shots would stop a bear. Yeah, so don't use it for hunting. You need all six shots for bear-tection. Now, if it was a week in the forest versus a month in the city, I would be less fearful of dying, and dying was the imminent thing that I was like, I need to be in the city to not die. Yes.

But a week in the woods, you do have a knife, you do have a lighter, so you're going to have fire at night. How do you get water? Getting through the... Yeah, the water's going to be... I'm sure there's a river little yeah brook a little babbling and as we all know just when you find a water source just yeah just don't boil the water do we have a pot no we don't no no pots huh can we add a pot can we fashion the

rifle into a pot we can add a pot all right we got a pot i'm gonna boil that water al is trying to make us choose the forest is what he's trying to do. I will say this. I'm just trying to find the line. I will say this. The forest sounds like a nice time for a time. The city, the foreign city. For like six hours? Not at night. Well, no, not at night.

I agree with you. I would love some shelter and protection. But I'm just saying, I would rather be in the forest and nature than in the middle of a foreign city. I agree. Alone and afraid. You can't speak the language. You know nobody. You have no money.

You are going to have to sleep outside in that city probably. Yeah. At least in the beginning. Al, have you ever spent, like, I'm sure you've been camping, obviously. We've all been camping. No, we haven't. You haven't been camping? No, I've never been camping. No, we haven't. You haven't been camping? No, I've never been camping.

Oh, wow. Wow. We'll examine that later. But Al, have you ever like- You've met my father. Have you done the solo? Have you ever done a solo camping? I have not, no.

I want to do that. Solo camp? Yeah. That's exactly the beginning of the story they'll tell. He said he wanted to go solo camping. It's so much risk going. Mike, we had listened to that podcast you shared with me. Yes, the Seth Rogen one.

Yeah, where he tells these stories that are true. And that story was a guy wanting to go climb this mountain, and he did it alone. And I just kept thinking, it should go right. You should be able to go hike, camp by yourself. The problem is when anything goes wrong, you are done. Right? You're just done.

Yeah, we are for sure. We do not have the skill set to get ourselves out of a nature issue. So there's no way Mike is picking the forest because he doesn't even know what it looks like. I won't survive. Look, I've seen a forest. Guys, I've seen. I'll try and add my own wrinkle here. Let's say you are given one month to prepare.

So like one month. So if you're going to be in the forest, you can watch all the survival tutorials on this is the best way to build a fire, how you build a shelter. Or you have a month that's like you can learn some of the customs, learn the language at least a little bit. Sure. That just makes it easier to choose a city. All right. Two weeks on babel or a month training for the forest i mean we're all going to the city there's just no line there's

no line where we're just gonna go two hours one night yeah there we go one night in the forest or a month in a foreign city yeah i would take the night in the forest yeah one yeah i can there's the line i will say this though when you when you say one night in the forest. I'm going to be so hungry. The idea, I'm going to be starving. It's going to be a terrible night. But what's crazy is the idea, the concept of falling asleep in the woods with no tent, no structure. Sure, okay. Just saying.

I will not be sleeping that night. Oh my goodness gracious. That night I'm sitting there with my back against a tree with the lighter on. I mean. In my little teeny area. I don't know how I would survive. Like I would be as worried about bugs as I am about bears. I was going to say, would you fire that rifle three or four times blindly in the night?

Just to let them know. Just to let them know, I'm over here. Now, I mean, I guess you have the shots for protection, but let's say you're, I mean, what are you even hunting? Like a squirrel? A deer. A rabbit. You're going to blow the socks off a rabbit.

But here's the thing. I thought, oh, yeah, okay, maybe I'll become a true hunting man and I'll get a deer. People who are hunters go out on excursions for like a week at a time. You come back. What'd you get? Nothing. And they know what they're doing. So you're just dropping me in a forest with a rifle like go

get a buck no that could be a wasted bunch of calories yeah i mean to me it's i'm not hunting i'm just if one walks up you know what i mean like that's the situation oh look there's a deer let me get my rifle i'm not going looking because i'm not going to find him he's going to find me yeah that's that's fair i mean i i think the real hope would be if they drop you off that you could get some sort of shelter built. I believe that is step one. How confident are you that you could set up, you know, like a lean-to or something? Step one, what is a lean-to? Jason, explain it to me.

Step one, what is a lean-to? Jason, explain it to me. A lean-to is when you build a structure, but it's leaning to the other side. And then you just lean the stuff across, and then you get under it. It's like it just leans to it. So the city, then. Yeah, the city. I can tell you if I had a month to prepare and I learned, I wouldn't be able to learn hunting.

And honestly, if like, if I got a deer, a deer walks right up, I'm like, I got a deer. Oh my God. I'm never eating. I'm never going to be able to eat. You don't know what to do next. I would have no idea. Not only would I not have an idea what to do next, I couldn't do it. I hope he just tries to bite it.

I couldn't skin a deer. I hope he just tries to bite the like, the outer. So hairy. I couldn't skin a deer. I couldn't drain a deer i hope he just tries to bite the like just like so hairy i couldn't skin a deer i couldn't drain a deer i couldn't carve up a deer like i just physically could not do it so you would just sit there and you would weep yes i'm so sorry they made me do this it was a would you rather question um and now we're both dead. And now we're both dead. So if I had the month.

He just lays down by the deer and fades off into the night. If I had the month to prepare, I'm not looking at hunting. I would be looking at building a shelter. I would learn everything I could about building a shelter. Step one, you'd Google what is a lean-to. What is a lean-to and other versions of structures other than lean-to. I would find the easiest one to build, and I am extremely confident I could never build it. Like, never.

I would fail to build a structure no matter what. Somehow, this version of Jason in the forest is like a man. He's got no arms, no legs. He's just screaming until the night is over. Save me. Oh, man. Just screaming until the night is over. Save me. Oh, man. All right, we're moving on. Cody from Patreon.

Would you rather sit at the DMV for two hours with no phone, TV, or electronics, or for four hours but with your phone? Four hours with the phone. Dude, that's, dude, four, I could handle. Eight hours with the phone. Dude, that's, dude, four, I could handle. Eight hours with the phone. Yeah. Just have me start scrolling on some reels. I'm telling you.

I'll miss my number. It'll hit the four hours, and they'll call me up. I'll be like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'll be here. I mean, we could get into this with the phones. I mean, yesterday I was at the dentist's office. They had to numb me up, and they had to do some work on a tooth.

And when they numb you up, they have to wait for it to work. You're familiar with this, right? Yes. You know what a dentist is, Jason? I am aware of dental procedures. So you're in a chair chair and you're leaned backwards. And like, I have to sit there and wait.

And I can't. So you're saying you're reclined. I'm leaned in a way where even if I get my phone out, I really can't use it well. Because I'm kind of almost upside down and I just, and so I had to sit. my point is that I had to sit in a place for like 20 minutes and that was hard without a phone

without a phone and I say this because it is like a huge indictment on myself that I can't sit for 20 minutes because your inclination now is to pull out the phone immediately. Oh, if I hit a red light, I'm like, oh, this is boring. And yet, if we watch our children get on their phone, we want to punch them because we're like, you look pathetic. You're always on your phone. You can't do anything without staring at that. It's one of the things that we- I said over my phone.

You can't do anything without staring at that. It's one of the things that I said over my phone. It's one of the things that when we do it, we justify the reasons we're doing it in our head. Yeah, I'm working. But when the other people are doing it, they're pathetic. Well, see, to me, it's more like, you know, I'm done. Like, you know, I'm all on the downhill of your life. Yeah, of my life.

Oh, you finished. So it's like I can I can eat poorly. I your life? Yeah, of my life. Oh, you finished. So it's like I can eat poorly. I can just give up. A bit of a self-fulfilling done. But my children, you've got a lot of life left to live. Get off that. Do better. So you're taking a more of I'm already in the retirement home philosophy. And is that what our retirement homes are going to be like?

Just all the old people on their phones because the old people the old people now don't know how to use the phones but like we're using them now and we're going to get old i think we'll be on vr by then we'll be laying down goggles on you know what jason you've been saying that for 20 years and i'll keep saying it for 20 years. And I hope you're right, but I'm a little disappointed with where. But yeah, it's weird to think about. We know technology. So when we're 80 and our bodies don't work, can you imagine if the old home, you go there and you're like, I'm going to go spend some time with an old person and make their day

and they're just swiping TikTok? Yeah. That's a weird mental picture. It is very strange, but that is probably what we will be doing. That's what I'm going to be doing. Eating Jell-O and scrolling. That will be old stuff for the young people. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because we won't be doing the new stuff, and they'll be like, that would be like if the old people now are making long-distance phone calls their relatives right all right i don't know where this is going um yeah the phone one final answer four hours if as long as you have your phone that's easy two hours you said 20 minutes was hard genuinely two hours sitting waiting just sit in a chair for two hours well i'll tell you what I'll do. One, I'm people watching every person in there. So I'm going to try to tell the life story in my head of every person. Oh, yeah, that's a good game. Two, I'm counting every light.

It's just something I'm going to do. I don't think that's going to take you very long. I'm going to count every light in the building. Do some push-ups. Three, I'm looking for vending machines. But I guess in this case, I have to sit there. Well, I think they're saying that you can just... You're just waiting at the DMV, yeah.

You can get up, walk around. Four, I'm taking off all my clothes, turning them inside out, putting them on backwards. Okay, interesting. And then singing how crisscross will make you jump? It's just, I'm bored. I'm going to be doing some weird stuff. If you drop this to one hour...

One hour, I'm doing that. Versus the four i think i would i can sit there for an hour i'll take the phone what is it like being alone with your thoughts jason i don't know i have no idea it's been some time yeah all right uh what if jason would just start building like uh bajul blitz on the ground with some, like some rocks and stuff and start playing. You have some sand I can draw with. He'd grab all the sugar packets. Yeah.

He's going to make the game. They got multicolors. I haven't said that game in so long. All right. Ken from Patreon. Would you rather not be able to hear anything within a six foot radius? That's funny. Like back up,

sir. And say what you were going to say, or only be able to hear within a one-foot radius. Wow. So you've got to be in the bubble. I don't. I mean, if you can't hear outside of one foot, I think that most conversations, I'll say all conversations happen outside of one foot. All conversations.

Sure. Well, not a phone well not not the dental ones i had yesterday but most of them phone conversation you're telling me i gotta put it on speakerphone and that is what we're saying that's fine i mean a foot is so short like if i put the the phone just down on the desk that's more than a foot for me but it's your every conversation you have will be on speakerphone i don't talk on the phone a whole lot i mean i could still text not hearing what people say is really hard it's more frustrating than you know we've all joked about like you know somebody doesn't speak loud enough and how it's irritating we moved into a house it didn't have any rugs very echoey

everything that anybody said to me in the house what what was that what was that because of the sound reverberation because of the sound reverberation and and i was like not being able to hear it would be just the worst yeah okay but i i feel like I have to do the six foot one. I think you have to do the six foot. If you think about conversations you have with people, oftentimes they're over six feet. Six feet is not... How far away is Mike and I right now?

We're not six feet. You're definitely six feet. We're probably five. We are not six feet away. We might be, Mike. Don't move and then out. Will you get a tape measure, please, and measure nose to nose, please? I think you're exactly six feet.

I think we're pretty close to six feet. I'm taking the under. What are you guessing, Andy? I'm thinking we are three feet. I think we're six feet. Maybe five, ten. That's going to be no bueno for hearing him. I think we're six feet. Yeah. So owl has left. Maybe 5'10". Ooh, that's going to be no bueno for hearing him. This is such good audio podcasting.

Okay, so then look, Mike and I are sitting approximately. So if you take the six foot one, then you're saying like if you're watching a TV, as long as the sound source is six feet away, you can hear it. That's doable. Otherwise, if you take the other one... Now, Jason, your phone, all your games, all the audio on the phone.

I don't use audio on the games, my man. Okay, we have the tape measure. Don't you lean forward. No, I'm going to go to my microphone. How far away are we? Five foot nine. Five foot nine. Oh, Mike. I'm going to go to my microphone. How far away are we? Five foot nine. Five foot nine. Oh, no.

Yeah, I took the under, bro. Yeah. All right, Mike, you win this one. But you don't watch anything on your phone ever? You don't watch a show on your phone? I don't watch shows on my phone, no. What do you do on your phone for every minute? How can you play so much Candy Crush?

It's Sudoku, bro. Okay. Is it really? It's a bunch of different apps and games. And they're all silent ones. Well, I mean, I'll scroll some reels and sometimes I sound on, sometimes I don't. You're already at the stage where if you were in the old person home doing the games it is what we would expect yeah sudoku on your phone right give me some dates to eat not like to go on right you

know some old people stuff okay is it date dates are old people food oh oh yeah i mean they're just right there with prunes yeah dates oh really yeah prune is a date though right i have no idea i think no prune is a plum oh it's a prune's a dried plum it has a great version of a date's just what is a date a date's own thing a date is a date oh is it really it's not like a dehydrated something no a date grows on a date tree yeah we have something like that for real is it really a tree yeah all right we have a date tree in our front yard grow Dates don't grow on trees. Yes, they do. All right. Kevin and Laura from the website,

we'd rather smell like bacon to everyone you meet or have every person you meet smell like bacon to only you. Interesting. Look, I like the smell of bacon, but not in my people. It would be overwhelming. If everybody smelled like bacon, that's too much. It is way too much. Yeah, I mean, you would definitely no longer enjoy the smell of bacon. Correct.

You'd be like, ah, is someone cooking some people? I think it would be okay. I mean, it might ruin the greatness of bacon, but it's not going to change the smell into something you hate. I don't just hate the smell of people right now and so if it smells like bacon i might get used to the smell ignore the smell but i'm not going to hate it so i don't you won't hate it i don't see the downside of everybody smelling like bacon dogs would never leave them alone dogs never leave people alone right now that's fair man i don't i don't know i think you'd get tired of it i think if

everyone smelled of bacon what is everyone's smell right now neutral people consider people as non-smelly yes and that's why you notice if they smell good or bad correct because right now there it's neutral but you're only you're neutral for a very short amount of time you're also not neutral if you're close you're actually what's the smell distance of a normal person you're you're never not you're never neutral because when you leave the shower what is the scent of your shower gel because that's what you smell like but you only within like an inch you're not smelling me right now yeah i mean we're three feet apart no jason is about 20 feet we're you know we're 8 to 10 feet apart here.

But, like, you don't smell people unless they have put on a cologne or if they have bad BO. No, you smell like your shower gel. But my point is, if I smell like my shower gel, I use shower gel. My shower gel doesn't smell like much. My shower gel does. It has a very strong scent. There's no scent shower gel. My shower gel doesn't smell like much. My shower gel does. It has a very strong scent. There's no scentless gel. But you don't smell his shower gel right now.

That's my point. You don't smell. What does my shower gel smell like? You would have to sniff him. You're asking also the wrong person. I can never smell. But no, it's nobody. No, I get what you're saying.

Look, right now, unless you're within one foot, if I got one foot from you, I'd smell something. Yes. And it doesn't mean bad. I just mean I would smell your smell. Like, everybody has a smell. Yeah, everyone. Yeah, your musk. You think a foot is close enough?

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think a foot. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, a foot to eight inches. Yeah. I mean, you can tell if someone's smelly if you're a foot away.

I mean, sometimes you can be much further with bad smells. Or if you're just getting a car. Or Axe body spray. Like if you're getting a car with someone. Like every time you're in a car with someone, that car smells like bacon. Oh, in this scenario. Not just like in regular life. No.

I don't keep bacon in my pocket just in case. A little pocket snack. Yeah. No, a little griddle on the front. But if you're in close proximity, then you will smell it. So would you rather smell like bacon to everyone you meet? No. I think I would do that because I'd be the unique bacon guy.

But I don't think you want to be the bacon guy. Yeah, that's where I lean. You don't want people, like even if people like the smell of bacon, you don't want to be known as the guy that smells like bacon that's a weird thing and it's not normal in this universe in this hypothetical situation it's still like abnormal for someone to smell like bacon you're just saying the other one you just get used to everyone smelling like bacon absolutely give me everyone else smelling like bacon i don't want to be the weirdo Absolutely. Give me everyone else smelling like bacon.

I don't want to be the weirdo. Would you still eat bacon? Oh, absolutely. I might eat people now. I mean, well, you know, TBD. Spidmallers to the rescue. All right. Charlie from the website needs some advice, guys. Here we go. Here's what Charlie had to say.

So it started subtly. A smiley face emoji here, a thumbs up here or there. But over the last six months, my boss seems to have discovered the wild and wide world of emojis. Now every company-wide email is a kaleidoscope of colors and characters that resemble an excerpt from a children's book. How do I put an end to this nonsense for the good of our company's professionalism? You're doomed. Or are you? I don't know.

Here's what's funny. What is professionalism? Let me ask you this. Well, that would be what you? I don't. Here's what's funny. What is professionalism? Let me ask you this. Well, that would be what you would say, Mike. I find, me personally, on my own emoji use, that much like, you know how sometimes people get a phrase that they get stuck using all the time? Sure.

Yeah, we all do. You know, you get the habitual. I'm that way with emojis i will kind of fall in love with one emoji for like maybe three or four months what's your current emoji the sweaty smile emoji the sweaty smile i find myself using that all the time that's that's like the teardrop but it's up top okay okay yeah it's still smiling it's like the nervous it's kind of like hey yeah yeah it's like this thing happened but i made it out it's that it's that one so i'm in that mood right now but okay uh do you have like a go-to favorite emoji or does it rotate i've got a handful i mean you

got the heart that's easy to just say you know i like something i think i use the face palm a lot. Face palm? Because I do a lot of dumb stuff. So it's like, ah, shoot. Face palm. Try the sweaty smile for some of those. Yeah, because can that work? Like I did something wrong. Oh, sweaty smile. Yeah, you can try it.

Okay, I'll try it out. It means you try it hard, but whoops. Okay, I can use that a lot. Yeah, it's endearing. Mike, do you have a go-to emoji? I mean, I use use that a lot. Yeah, it's endearing. Mike, do you have a go-to emoji? I mean, I use the raffle face. If something's funny, I go with that one. Or skull emoji.

Skull emoji? Yeah, I like that one a lot. How many emojis is appropriate for this professional work environment? See, that's where I was going to go is what kind of company are you at? Are you wearing a suit every day? Do you have casual Fridays? Can you wear jeans? I mean, we're bosses.

That's right. We use emojis. Like a boss. Oh, I emoji like a boss. How many emojis would just be too many, Al? Do you know? Let's say we were sending you an email about work and it was like i don't know maybe about like performance review or something performance review thumbs

down emojis actually that's a shortcut yeah we'd be using the skull a lot like mike likes a stinky poop face yep no i like that this was not what i meant to do al i'm sorry that's all right i think that maybe your boss is fun maybe you aren't fun the boss is fun the first time they do it the problem is is if they it becomes like too much i did like charlie i'm sorry to say this but i did have the same thought Mike just shared, which is maybe it's a you problem. Oh, like you don't want fun? Here's where the emojis are a problem. If you can't make sense of the letter.

If it's like one of those things where, because sometimes people will use an emoji, like you just brought up the sweaty smile. I don't always know what the emojis mean. I've been in conversations with people where it's like they give the emoji of emoji of like the the the smiley person but with the big glasses on like the sunglasses no like i don't even know if it's a groucho marx or whatnot but they've just got like different and i'm like what does this mean glasses emoji yeah i'm like i don't know i don't know like the nerd yeah yeah i think that's what it is it's like a nerd i'm like what are you saying so if if you can't make sense of the emojis if they're talking in so many emojis where it's like i think they're saying they're happy nerd is like is like i'm like i'm a little stinker

it is is that what i mean i didn't know that that's how that's how i interpret it there is a groucho marx one with the mustache though. But that's Disguise Face. I guess, yeah, Groucho Marx. Well, I was looking at the actual name of it. No, it's not called Groucho Marx. I mean... But yeah, when are you using that to hide?

That's like how I'm embarrassed. This is why I don't use the heart very often. Because it gives the wrong message? I think it can give the wrong, like a little too romantic. i'm afraid to use the heart in mixed company texts because i a heart is fine just don't send the just don't send the smooch yeah okay that's that's the heart doesn't mean like the heart doesn't mean romantic heart doesn't mean romantic heart just means like oh i love that yeah that's cool good for you i'm happy the thumbs up. But I've heard the thumbs up is now turning into something else. It's getting outplayed.

That's the Zoomers. The Zoomers are mad about the thumbs up. What does it mean to them? I get it because it means like. Oh, we're old. No, no, no. Because sometimes the thumbs up, like I used to use the thumbs up a lot. And I think I've replaced it more with the heart because the thumbs up seems like almost.

Because you're so young. Almost like sarcastic. Like, good job, buddy. I'll give you a thumbs up. But it's just a thumbs up seems like almost like sarcastic. Good job, buddy. I'll give you a thumbs up. I mean, it's just a thumbs up, man. I can do that with a heart, too. Is this okay? Fingers?

Is that one okay? Hey, okay. I don't know. Is that the circle with three fingers up? Yeah. Okay. That got stolen by a different group. That's okay.

I'm not supposed to use that either. Yeah. You gotta be careful. Wait, wait, gotta be careful. He says, don't use that.

I didn't know this. Yeah. You gotta be careful. So we just can't use anything. I don't, I don't know. Here's no emojis. Use words.

Just, just stick with the skull. Yeah. David, David from Patreon. Since moving to a foreign country last year, our kids have been having a hard time adjusting their taste buds to the local cuisine. My wife and I enjoy going vegetarian from time to time,

but the kids do not eat their vegetables. Fellow dads, what has worked for you to get their kids to eat their veggies? What does that have to do with the local cuisine? In a foreign country, how do i get my kids to eat veggies okay i'm i'm not sure the connection of being in a foreign country but what i have found if i want my kids to eat their veggies is um i'm a bad parent and i fail because i can't get them to do it yeah same so my veggies are nuggets, and they eat them so good. They do make chicken nuggets with the veggies already built into them.

Like, you can find those at the grocery store. The kids will sniff that out. No, they will. They'll never know. Wait, what do you mean built into them? I mean, like, when they grind up the chicken, they grind up some vegetables as well. There's only two outcomes, Mike. If they do that, then they aren't nutritious.

Right. Well, the chicken nuggets, of course, are not nutritious. Well, I mean, I put the fake veggies in there. Yeah, give me the real chicken nuggets. The real stuff. Dude, the dino buddies. From the chickens. You might already be buying these.

If you're buying- Did you say the dino nuggets? Yes. Those are our go-to nuggets. You tell me there's veggies in there? Well, your kids are so healthy. Oh, I didn't know this. I have a great parent.

They're eating so many vegetables. Neither of your kids eat vegetables? Sort of. Yeah, I mean, they'll eat vegetables. We make them eat vegetables every meal. But we still have to force the issue. The biggest problem is that I don't eat my vegetables. Yeah, because they're mostly not good.

And only so many years go by where I can be like, I'm the dad, so I don't have to. Because at this point, they're learning that. Just give them the jaysam. I'm at the end. I'm at the end. I don't need to take care of myself. Dino buddies, chicken and veggie, chicken breast nuggets. There's a take care of myself. Dino Buddy's Chicken and Veggie Chicken Breast Nuggets. There's a quarter cup of vegetables.

This is what you're talking about. Made with one quarter cup of vegetables per serving. Just get that. Asterix, asterix. Oh, well, this is totally different. This is, I mean, it's the same brand that I buy. Oh, it's not the one that you buy? No, this is the same brand, but this is specifically giant on the box chicken and veggie one serving of this product does not

provide a significant amount of vegetables that's the asterisk i mean the ass yeah but i feel much better about my parenting oh it sells these sell wow it's the asterisk to the headline is this product does not provide a significant amount of vegetables. Wow. That is hilarious. That really is. Man. I want some nuggets now.

How often do you go to the... How often is the nuggets a go go-to is it weekly uh for the kids probably probably maybe once a week yeah once a week yeah it used to be a lot more when they were younger i mean yes when they were younger dino nuggets were just that was what was for these a snack at least at one point. The worst part for my household about the nuggets is the kids will like the garbage frozen ones, and then you nuke them for a minute, and they're all nasty and soggy. They're fine with that. But actual gourmet, we're talking McNuggets, they're 100% out.

And I don't understand what happened with my children they don't like mcnuggets they don't like wendy's nuggets they won't eat burger king nuggets it is yeah no your faces are parenting your faces are super appropriate i don't know they they got together and they decided that they don't like those types of nuggets the good ones yeah i know so you brought up and they want the Dinos. You brought up Wendy's and you brought up Burger King. Those are great nuggets. Yes. I mean, those are top notch nuggets.

Burger King has good nuggets? Oh, Burger King's got great nuggets. They're actually super similar to Wendy's, which are the good ones. There's one of those by my house now. Oh. I haven't frequented a Burger King in about 25 years. The best part, don't ask questions, but you can get about 20 nuggets for like $2. Don't ask where they came from.

Do they have a quarter, quarter, quarter cup of vegetables in there? Because that's the only way I'd eat them. The healthy nuggets. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the way you watch television. The best streaming services. Jason, you've got to be happy you're through the scat and you got the number one pick.

Yeah, I'm happy I'm through the scat for sure. As far as whether I'm happy I have the number one pick, I don't know. There's a handful here of worthy streaming services. There is the 101, but I don't know if it outweighs, like, because I'll be third, so I get to go back to back. I don't know if it outweighs that. Yeah, I mean, I think that there's like some heavy hitters and if you get two of the heavy hitters and i get the one-on-one but then like i'm adding up some

you know some tier three level streaming services i don't know so i'm gonna i'm gonna kick it off here with i think i don't know if this will be the one that everyone has on the top but they have been king they are the creation to me of the real true streaming service they've got some of the best classic shows they've got stand-up comedians everything that i default to when i turn on my platform and i go what do i want to watch well what service do i want to turn on first i pull up net Netflix. Yes. That's my go-to. Netflix is the number one. It is the 101, and I take it. Andy's shaking his head no.

No, it wouldn't have been my one, but it was my two. Okay. And I was just going to take the remnant of the two at the top of my list. So you're telling me when you, it's nighttime. No, I'm not. I agree. I agree with you. The default go-to is Netflix.

Okay. And if we were drafting The default go-to is Netflix. Okay. And if we were drafting the default go-to streaming services, I would have drafted it first. But you're saying there's a better one. I'm saying Netflix is right at the tippy top. You mentioned classic shows. Stranger Things is on there. You'd want to go to that one.

I think Netflix is worthy of the number one pick. Totally fine. Great. It's what I open first and look. It doesn't mean I'll end up on there, but it's always the first one I look at. I agree. I actually do that too, for sure. In my opinion, the best streaming service is the best consistent quality of television program.

I am not going breadth. I know what you're taking. You're going hoity-toity. I'm going, it's now called max yeah exactly it's hbo max it's where hbo lives it's the best quality television that has ever been produced yeah on a consistent basis and so whether that's succession or game of thrones or you know the you go back to the wire and all the classic great Sopranos. The greatest television ever has been produced.

And I think you'd agree with that. I 100% agree. It is true. They don't have as much content, but the quality of content is peak. I guess they have comedians, too. But mentioning the comedy on Netflix, I think strong point. Oh, man. Strong point for that. They have such good comedy spaces.

I was so smart of them to do that. Stand-up comedy is the best. Alright, that is interesting. Okay, so you have taken Max. Netflix is gone. My first pick is easy. I hate that I took Max, by the way. Oh, I know. You don't get HBO.

I mean, it should be HBO. It was HBO, then it was HBO Go, then it was HBO Max. Then it was HBO Max. Now it's just Max. But HBO is what I want. That's the part of that I want. You know, they've been talking about getting rid of the M and the A. Oh, really?

Just be the X. But Elon got there first. Yeah. I bet they could still do it. Yeah. All right. So the first pick will get out of the way. It is.

It's the number one family one. Of course. It's the clear next. We both had to sacrifice that and hand it to you. It's the number one family one. Of course. Yeah. It's the clear next. We both had to sacrifice that and hand it to you. It is the Disney Plus. And not only is it by far the best family streaming service, I watch Marvel movies a lot. When you get all the Marvel, all the Star Wars.

I go back to them frequently. I don't know. There's something comforting. And you're a movie guy, so that is just a whole repository of repeat watches. Yeah, they've got a bunch of the shows. The shows are, they've had some good ones. They have had good shows. They've had some that started great.

Yeah, but it's like they've had some good ones. But for the amount that they've put out, I feel like the quality hasn't been what you wanted. They put out a ton of just like small little shows. B-level. Yeah, B-level shows. All right, Mike. Disney Plus. We knew that was going to be yours.

Yes. I figured Max was going to come to me. Really? Yeah. I don't know. Did you think one of us would take disney plus no no i thought when you were talking about the the level of television because i feel like there there is a shifting sands okay of apple tv yeah are you taking them i'm taking

apple tv that's what i want to be i do feel like they are making their growings. Yeah. And when you, and they did not start that way. No, no. It was just when it first came out, it was like, like the Tom Hanks movie. And it was like,

I have absolutely no interest in trying to start that way. They like, they launched with C, you know, with the Jason Momoa. It wasn't good, but it was like a highly produced. Yes.

They wanted to do these high quality shows shows, and they have been crushed. I love Foundation. That's why I wanted Apple to get back to me. I still have many Apple TV shows I need to watch, but I feel like when I have started a show on Apple TV, you go, oh, this is. Severance? Oh, my gosh. Severance is a great show.

Morning Show. Severance is so good. I mean, you can list them, but I'm saying it. I think they're always surprising to me just how good the show actually is. The production of the show. Silo. It's not cheap. Ted Lasso?

Yes. Maybe we should have taken them higher. I thought Andy was going Apple TV. I don't think it belongs above the other two that we took, Jason, but I do think it was one I was hoping Mike would let slip through. This is why. Right here, what just happened is the exact reason why I'm in the worst spot to be at the 101.

Yep. Because you've got two bangers. You've got two great options with it disney plus and apple plus is going to be worth more than whatever my next pick is with netflix and don't mess up andy well i look there's no way to get it right because we're entering a different tier and so i guess what i will go with i will go with the the home of monday night football and ufc and sports i i debated this one i'm i'm gonna take uh espn plus yep espn soon to be just espn yeah yeah is that the is that what's happening well there yeah the espn is gonna be uh

just all just a streaming service. Not on any. It'll still be on cable and satellite and stuff, but I think you're going to be able to just buy and stream ESPN. Kind of like the way Max works now. Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm going to go with the ESPN Plus with the sports.

It's a good pick. That's the only place you can get any UFC event now, right, is ESPN Plus pretty much? Maybe occasional pay-per-view. The pay-per-views, it's weird. I think the pay-per-views go through ESPN Plus, which is this weird racketeering. Yeah, you've got to do both.

You pay for ESPN Plus, and they're like, okay, now do you want the big fight? It's still more. That's extra. Yeah. But they're getting them. They take that. It works because I buy both. It's like, dang, gum it. Yeah. But they're getting them. They take that. It works because I buy both.

It's like, dang gum it. So Jason, you have two picks here. And I do have a couple I'm hoping sneak back through. Yeah. I mean, one of them is clear and easy. I think there's one left that is a tier above. When you said, yeah, when you said the home of, I was like, oh, no, you're going to take it. And then you went Monday Night Football.

I'll go Thursday Night Football. Ah, yes. I'll get the boys. I'll get a lot of good programming on Amazon Prime. Programming? On Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime, they really entered a new tier with Thursday Night Football. And they're the home of the Lord of the Rings show that spent all that money. Yes. They really entered a new tier with Thursday Night Football.

They're the home of the Lord of the Rings show that spent all that money. So they're at least trying to spend big money. They are. And they have a ton of movies that you don't want to watch. Yes. But they have a lot of them. That's a good pick. I find that I don't go there as often to watch shows.

But when I do, I always end up finding something I like. So I i'm a fan it's good yeah there's plenty to watch yeah um and between the boys and that lord of the rings show i love both of those so um have you watched that yeah oh yeah you like it i loved it oh i thought it was thought it was a great first season um all right now is it a billion dollars i got i got a little bored oh no really i And I'm ashamed to say it. I was just playing on my phone. I haven't started it. It's good. All right.

And now, hmm, I guess we're getting to a different tier. And so I'm going to take something that will allow me to stream so many different things. I use this to watch almost all of my sports and since we're talking about monday night football we're talking about thursday night football you're gonna need this usually to watch the nfl this year if you want to branch out i'm taking youtube tv okay as my streaming platform you don't actually need it i know you don't't have it. I know you can get Sunday Ticket without it. But I'm getting a discount, Mike. You are.

I'm getting that. You are. I'm saving that shmoney because I got YouTube TV. No, and I love YouTube TV. It's genuinely so much better than my former cable. How much of the enjoyment of YouTube TV comes from you get to basically tell your former cable provider to eat it? 55%. Okay.

55%. I feel like that's a strong. You feel like you're taking a bold step. Yeah. That should be part of their slogan. YouTube TV, tell your cable provider to eat it. Because we all want to. We were stuck with them for so long, and they didn't improve anything,

and you keep seeing them like, hey, new customers get to pay nothing while you're paying maximum charges. I'm a loyal customer. Shouldn't I get a discount? No, only new people. Is it back to me? It is back to you. Okay, I'm going to take a controversial pick.

Maybe not controversial at this point. I think going to take a controversial pick. Oh. Maybe not controversial at this point. I think an appropriate pick at this point. Underrated. And the thing about this streaming service is that it is the one that I have intentionally canceled the most and then realized super fast, whoops, I needed that. Really? It's the whoops, I needed it it channel I think I get it for one thing I need it for more it has become a powerhouse in my opinion it is getting stronger by the day

it is paramount plus okay paramount plus is the home of talk me into paramount it is the home of the new seasons of yellowstone okay that is where... Not Yellowstone related. Talk me into Paramount Plus. They are also the... Yellowstone spin-offs. They are also becoming... More places have merged into them. It is where all the CBS shows are. So if you are into Survivor or Star Trek or any of those...

It's not going well. It's where Comedy Central has merged into. It's where Nickelodeon merged into. All of them Nickelodeon merged into. All of them. And the NFL has exclusive games on Paramount+. Yeah, because everyone has a game. Well, look. At least they got a game.

At least they got a game. So, in my opinion, I think it's great. I think Paramount. I have resubscribed to Paramount Plus so many times when I thought I didn't need them. What's the demo? What's the average age range of a Paramount Plus? It's also Showtime, by the way. Did you know that?

No. Of course I didn't know that. Showtime's a part of that. Because I don't have Paramount Plus. Billions? Brooks? Don't you watch this show? Oh, yeah.

There you go. All right. So. 1883? Yeah. I haven't done. Strange New World? Star Trek? Come on. Yeah. Okay. All right. 1883? Yeah. Strange New World? Star Trek? Come on.

Okay. All right. No, I know people love the Yellowstone. I've just not walked down that path. You guys were Yellowstone maniacs for quite some time. All right. John, duck. Go ahead.

Sure. I'm going to take one that is just super versatile. Apparently has live TV, but I don't know about it. But Hulu has a just live TV. Yeah, I guess they have live sports. I don't know. But that's where your TV shows are. If you don't want to subscribe to a cable provider or YouTube TV or something like that,

your show is more than likely going to end up on Hulu. It's funny because Hulu to me is The Handmaid's Tale as an original series and a bunch of documentaries. I just feel like every documentary I watch somehow ends up on Hulu. I never even think about the live TV stuff, but they certainly have them. Yeah, it's available. And then the last one I'm going to take, it is not a paid one, although you can pay. But I use Twitch all the time.

Do you really? I do. On your TV? Usually on my phone or my ipad because i've been for watching gaming yeah i watch people game and the when this idea was when i heard that twitch was was growing in popularity and like all the young kids are watching people play video games you're like well that's kind of weird Why would you just sit and watch someone play a game? And then I saw the perfect analogy of someone was talking to a kid like,

why do you watch Twitch? You can play video games. Why wouldn't you just play them? You watch people play football. You're like, oh, yeah, I do because they're so much better than me at a sport. It's often very fun to watch excellence happening. So there are people on Twitch who are level at a video game that you will never achieve. And then there's just the community aspect of it.

Like I watch a guy play old adventure games, like the games I grew up playing, which aren't necessarily the most fun for me to go back and play again. But he plays through them, and people are in the chat room just having a good time, living that retro life. It's more communal. Yeah, and I've watched videos on demand of it, and then I've watched it live. And there is a magical quality about knowing that this person is doing this right now.

I can talk to them. Should we tell our listeners that this is live right now? They're listening to us live. We could. We could. But I love Twitch. It's fantastic. I see you out there, Joe.

All right. My final pick is going to be a tandem with the previous one. Because it's where I get all the other seasons of Yellowstone. It's also worthy of a pick exclusively to watch The Office over and over and over again. I'm taking Peacock. But, I mean, they have whatever Yellowstone show they have in The Office. I'm like, that's it, right?

As far as I know, Killing Eve. Killing Eve is on there maybe? What is that? No, maybe not. And then a football game. They're going to have a playoff game know, Killing Eve. Killing Eve is on there, maybe? What is that? No, maybe not. And then a football game. They're going to have a playoff game. I don't even think Killing Eve is on there. Yeah.

Yeah. I think they got some BBC stuff over there. I don't know. It's the Office channel. That's what I mean. It's subscribing to the Office every month. And they probably clean house. Only offering the office. Brooks, do you remember this? They pulled the office

off of Netflix to make it exclusive to Peacock. You have to wonder how many people subscribe exclusively for that. 90% of their base, I imagine. It's wild. All right, Jay. You get one last bit. Do I?

Is Parks and rec on there too oh yeah oh that has to be included okay okay um so i get to pick anything that's left oh all the streaming all the other ones yeah uh you want me to start listing some such as there's a lot of them there's really only one that i know of that's like a main service that I've actually ever used. Is it the Walking Dead one? You can list a channel and then put plus on it, and it exists. Yeah, that's true. Hmm, okay.

I didn't think about the Walking Dead one. I mean, there is a Walking Dead one and a Better Call Saul one. Better Call Saul is on Netflix, I thought. Isn't that on Netflix? Or did they get rid of that? Well, not the new ones. Yeah. There's new ones?

Well, I'm saying like when they, you have to, for a show on Netflix, you have to wait a period of time where AMC is going to offer it to you day over the next day. Looks like Mad Men is sitting over there. AMC's got a lot of sitting over there all right i'll take breaking bad's gonna be on there yeah i mean i was gonna go the only other one i know is discovery plus and i is that still standalone i don't know it might be part of max this is why i can't wait till they bundle this into like a cable service.

It is wild that that happened. Yeah. We just named 12 services and there are others that are out there. They exist. If you want all of that content, you have to, I mean, the luxury, I guess, of picking one bundle, or I'm sorry, one streaming service is nice. Because you couldn't do that before. That's true. You couldn't. But right now, if you just want to have Netflix, I think we'd all be like, okay, I've got Netflix.

I've got enough to watch. That's my father. My father, I think, has Netflix and is just like, whatever they have, that's enough. Yeah, and I do agree. It really is. Netflix is like, it is the one that is, it's the Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of the soda.

It's not my favorite, but it's also what I think of when I think of streaming. Well, I mean, they're a streaming service and they don't have to put plus. Yeah. Because they didn't add, they created the streaming world. They didn't have to take what existed and then be like. But when does netflix should have been netflix it should be called netflix plus because netflix was dvds that's true this is the plus what what was the name or this is the minus they they tried to branch netflix

into two companies oh yeah the fake uh and the name of the dvd place was going to be so ridiculous i'm trying to buy you some time no no i'm trying to find it find the name of the DVD place was going to be so ridiculous. I'm trying to buy you some time. No, no, no. I'm trying to find it. We have to find the name of this. Do you guys remember this in Deucer's Alley? Oh, my gosh. I don't even remember this.

You don't remember this? No. It wasn't kibble, was it? In 2012. No, that was the beta testing. No, no. I found it. Yeah.

They tried to divide Netflix to be dvds and then they came out with the streaming and it was called they were going to call it quickster there it was q w i k s t e r quickster i remember when it came out and they were destroyed the internet. On the internet. Had it the way. Quickster was it. With a QW. What do you do? Here's the 2011 Netflix scuttles. It's Quickster plan. Quickster. I would not have drafted Quickster number one.

You don't succeed to the level of Netflix if you went with Quickster. There are names that can bury you, huh? Yeah, like Quickster. What did we learn today? I learned that there is a date tree. Dates grow on trees. Yeah, what did I learn today? I learned that I am not as good of a dad as I thought when I was giving my kids the chicken nuggets with vegetables.

Due to the asterisk? It is a lie. I learned that I do not want to be stranded with either of you two in the middle of a forest. Al, would you help me out, buddy? You got it. Thank you. Alright, that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Please tell your friends about the show.

We would appreciate it, and we'll be back with another one next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.