Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 256: Backfloat BMs & Things to Not Cheap Out On - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

On this show, we muse on reverse ventriloquism, ocean pooping, and sleeping on shoes. We also differentiate some commonly confused things so you can be sure to leave this episode smarter than when you arrived. We finish up the show with a draft of things to not cheap out on. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-scrad-a-lay-bee-boop-bee-bop-a-diddle-a-ding-dong! Yeah! Oh, baby! funny voice is always there in the event of an emergency i got a nine from jason i honestly think that was my favorite one you've ever done and here's why peeling back the curtain spit wads andrew Holloway is a wreck. He is a wreck right now.

He had no sleep. He had a little sleep on the couch at lunchtime. Until? Yeah, until I slammed the door. I was gone for lunch. I come back. Oh, he burst in like a rhino. I didn't expect someone sleeping in our lunchroom.

That's fair. That's fair. What did you do to the door? I just walked in. I just walked in. You jumped through the glass. I left the door behind me to just shut on its own, and then I was too far in when I saw there was a man sleeping in the room to go back and catch the door.

So you let the door door. I let the door door. Door door. Okay. This is an automatic shutting door, and so then all of a sudden, so I stop. But to me. I stop. I pause. That was like a bomb drop. door door this is an automatic shutting door and so then all of a sudden so i stop me i stop i pause that was like a bomb drop and i look over and there's a man sleeping with his back to me

on the couch and i go oh i wonder if i could get the door and then the door shuts and andy gets shocked awake oh man did you just make the sound effect for a closing door the word door? Onomatopoeia, baby. He said, badore. But my point here is Andy is half awake. He took a smelling salt right before this show and then realized I've got the scat. Yeah, and my brain went to, do I have a funny voice? See?

Mike knows my crutches. Welcome in. Would you rather? We all have the same crutch. Yeah, they're the same crutch. I'm like, can I borrow those real quick? Would you rather? What's the difference?

And we are drafting. I think what will be a, I mean, we've debated some of these things before. We are drafting things to not cheap Alvedon. I mean, there are times, I mean, we've debated some of these things before. We are drafting things to not cheap Alvedon. I mean, we've got Al Borland. Nobody likes to save a buck more than Al Borland other than maybe Papa Josh. Oh, Papa Josh definitely saves more bucks than Al. But they both like to save a few bucks. Al's just willing to gamble those bucks he saved away.

But some things you can save money on, and it's great. But some things, it's better to spend up. And that's what we're drafting today. All right. You can find us at spitballers pod over on Twitter, spitballers pod.com. And, uh, you guys ready? Yes, sir. Would you rather? Jacob, from the website, would you rather never be able to ride in a car that you aren't driving? I feel like that was a really complicated way of asking that. How would you simplify that?

Would you rather? Well, when you start, would you rather never? So would you rather have to be a passenger only or a driver only? That is the question. I did it. He put it this way, never be able to ride in a car that you aren't driving or never be able to drive again. Oh, yeah. Mike, you really made that.

Can you say that again, Mike, so that I understand the question? Would you rather always be the driver or always be the passenger i would rather always be the driver i am a bit of i'd like to be in control sure and it uh you know You know, it guarantees the best person's driving. I, whoa, and the truth shall set you free. That is called, I don't trust y'all. That's what that's called. I also have a history, like I used to get really car sick growing up. So I realized when I drive, I never get car sick. Well, right, but I'm not talking about your preference to drive.

I'm talking about your statement that it ensures the best driver is driving. That was more of what we call a joke. Now- We don't do that here. If I could choose- I will highlight the negatives. If you go out of town and you call up an Uber, you're going to have to say, sir- I was going to say, could I drive it?

Can you scoot over? I think what you do is- Because I'm going to handle this. I think you rent a car. At that point, you just-? Because I'm going to handle this. I think you rent a car. At that point, you just... I understand that, but if you're in a place, renting a car is not always going to be the correct decision to make. This would also mean that you could never go anywhere alone

if you're always a passenger, ever. Now, was it cars? Can I go on a subway, or do i have to take over you can use public transportation yeah this is just a car okay all right for me this is really really i'm gonna drive this bus for me this is pretty easy yeah we know what jason's answer is he wants to be driven around you're darn right i do you're darn right i do do you know how much more productivity i could have do you know how much more productivity I could have? Do you know how much more sleep I could have?

Do you know how much more Bejeweled Blitz I could play? Like, it doesn't matter. I'm gaining time. I don't have to worry about nothing. You're telling me you're not Bejeweled Blitzing on the road? I am not Bejeweled Blitzing. Okay, good for you. I try to.

You can't secretly go through McDonald's drive-thrus anymore. No, but my chauffeur will be forced to take me there. And guess who doesn't have to order the stupid, dumb, long Starbucks orders anymore? Me, because I'm not in the driver's window. So Jason Herdness says, would you rather be the driver or would you rather be... Have a chauffeur. Have a chauffeur and be infinitely treated by my butler. The point of you no longer have

the ordering responsibility from drive-thru. It's pretty good. I had not considered that because that is... Maybe I'm just... It's me and I'm internalizing it all. That stresses me out so much, man. Dude, I am with you. Because you have your kids back there and I'm like, hey, what do you want?

Oh, that is high stress. What do you want? I'm in the middle of my order. And then you get the call through. Was that going to be it? No, no, it's not at all. Just hold on. Can you ask them if they have just, you're like, oh, my God, tell me.

Please just tell me what you want to eat. By the end of that, I am just murder screaming at my children. What is your order? So this is a normal thing. Oh, yeah. Because I've never wanted to throw my kids from the car more than when I am mid-order and they're trying to correct me. They've already told me the thing they wanted.

And then if I order the thing they want, then they're trying to correct the order while I tell them. Oh, no, no, no. Never mind. I want something different. You get what I ordered. I have literally stopped before a drive-thru, done the get out of the driver's side car, switch places with my wife. What?

I ain't doing this order. It's always for a coffee line because I don't know the macchiato frappe. I will take a venti mocha chocolate. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, I'm stressed out by that. You should make her hand you a card with it written on it. Oh, but then you got to read it. Oh, I'm not.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I forgot about reading. Yeah. The whole the whole car will be like, can we go to Starbucks? Can we go to what's what's the what's the some Starby's Dutch Brothers? Yeah. Dutch Brothers.

Oh, so you're the people in line at Dutch Brothers. Well, everyone's the people in line at Dutch Brothers when I get in the line. But my point is, I hate that so much that they'll ask, can we go? And I'll say, so long as I can get out. Like, I'm not doing that. So I will get out and, you know, make someone else order. Is this accepted now? Like, your kids just, they know that.

They know that usually I'm just going to say no. Can we go to Starbucks? No. Because of the ordering. Do they? 100% because of the ordering. Has anyone volunteered, said, hey, dad, can we go to Starbucks? No. Because of the ordering. Do they? 100% because of the ordering. Has anyone volunteered said, hey, dad, can we go to Starbee's?

I will order. They have not done that yet. That would be clutch. But I don't know that I would trust them because I would also be stressed. Let's say we pull up and I go to the rear passenger window and I roll it down and they start ordering and then they get confused or they make a mistake. I'm going to be way more stressed than if I'm doing it. Yeah. I, man, I wish there was some easier way to make all of that work with a car full of people. There is, you just order on apps

now and then you pull up and you, you get what was pre-ordered. Mike, what's your final answer there? Oh, it's, we are very similar, Andy, that I like to drive. I get motion sick. Do you drive most of the time? Oh, I drive 99% of the time. I'm a 99er for sure. And a lot of the time, I actually enjoy driving. Obviously, traffic, there's times on road trips where you don't want to be the driver currently. But for the most part i i think

it's it's an enjoyable experience i agree and i the only time i want to be driven is if i'm in a foreign city that i don't know yeah and i just prefer you know like if i went to new york just drive me around new york i would i would i would never want to drive in new york i've i've seen those monsters all right uh this question comes in from Poopy McPoopface. Wow. That's very mature. Your vacation is about to be ruined by some bad Mexican food. Okay.

Would you rather have a day of bubble guts and toilet sprints on your airplane travel day or on the beach? I mean, that's easy. That is no question. That's the beach. That is the beach. Okay. okay for one you could dive in the water in an emergency that's where we this is conversation was going there immediately and i was gonna ask but number two i could just skip the beach and be in the bathroom number two yeah has either of you had to make the boom boom in the ocean. The number two boom? The number deuce? Whoa, no, no. Let me answer it this way.

Of course not. Michael tells me. No, no, I've never done it. Oh, you said it like you've done it. No, but I'm asking if I had a situation and I were on the beach and I knew the bathroom was a certain distance away. I'm just, I'm curious. No, but like, I'm curious.

Can you even, can you even do it? I couldn't do it. There's like, will your, will your body allow it to happen? No, I know for a fact my body will let me pee. Um, I know that. And I love that. If this is ocean and we're not talking pools or water, that's even hard. It can be.

It's weird. I've perfected it. To let your body go. There's a jump start that has to happen. But once the machine's flowing, you're like, yeah. This is where I'm meant to be. I'm a fish. I'm like you. I live here.

As the fish scream. But the number two two first of all the only way that works the only way that works is if that's coming out as a number one you know what I mean like this has to be this has to be a liquid number two because you can't just

you got pants on right you know like yes you would have to take them down and you'd have to go you'd have to go in far enough yeah to where that wasn't a tide what we call a tide risk well but there's a huge problem snorkelers there's a huge problem you you come in close enough there's a big problem you know if you're if you're too too close i don't think i need to say which problem that is right you know little privacy issues yeah but you go too far can you imagine trying to do this if you can't stand you're trying yeah i mean you gotta try to swim oh float you gotta go on your back

oh dude that would be like if someone told you that i have to do that in 10 minutes for a million dollars and i had to go i still don't know if i could get my body to do it if they waited until if they if they if you could sit on the beach as long as you need it until it's like the point of no return i gotta take a dump yeah i'm gonna take a dump right now i can't even hold on to this any longer and they say okay now you have 10 minutes to go out into the ocean and take that dump i don't think that ever comes out of me i just don't think the moment you get out of the water for sure and you're gonna want to see that sound effect on youtube please go basically you're like i come out of the water jason no no i can i never come out can i detour us to a different

beach story real quick? Oh, sure. I mean, it is the Spitballers podcast, right? For some reason, you reminded me of something I just saw, and it blew my mind. It would be good for Is This Real Life, but I'm blowing it right now because I have to tell this story. There's a video. Have you seen this video of the guy digging the hole on the beach? No. I think I know.

Is it a sculpture? Is it a sand sculpture on the beach? No. I think I know. Is it a sculpture? Is it a sand sculpture of some sort? No. No, no, no. This is a hole. This is a hole that he digs in the beach. Okay. And it is, I would say it's about, what would you say, three feet across by three feet, you know, three foot circle?

I was going to say six. Okay, maybe a little bigger. That's a big hole. It's a big hole. It's a big circular hole. How deep? I want to say it's five feet. What?

Five feet deep. Okay, so this guy was there for a week. Yeah, and there's video of him with the tools, and he's digging it out, and it's a perfect circle-ish. I mean, close to a perfect circle. Right. And then there's all this buildup around it because he had to dig out. When you dig a hole, you have to take the stuff out. Oh, Andy likes the story so there's all this video of him making this and then they cut to a news clip and this you've seen this al i have yeah they cut to a news clip and there there's this

local news channel that has determined that this hole was created by a meteor. Oh, no. And they have a meteor expert out on the beach. Is this a joke? No. He's holding the rock that they claim did this. They're holding a rock that they found down at the bottom because the guy put a rock in the bottom of the hole. Oh, okay.

And there's a meteor. They bring in some local meteorologist or whatever you call them, meteorologists or no. call them, meteorologists. That's the weather people. Yeah, yeah. A local- Meteor expert. Yeah. And that guy's given all these-

Well, this is obviously the flat part of the rock that hit the ground. Oh, my God. And this is obviously the part that blew- But this rock is barely bigger than a softball. Yeah, I mean, it's just- It's a huge hole. All made up because you saw the video earlier. I mean, I did.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That is. And there's this whole news story that's like. There is something. And people taking pictures with The Rock on the beach like other people. So humiliating about watching someone lie when you know it's a lie. You are aware of the truth and then you see someone making it up.

It feels so bad. I want a turtle shirt. I want to hide. I want to just fold myself inside out because I'm like, you dummy. Yeah, take the time to look it up. It's humiliating. All right. Oh, my gosh.

So what was the question? I think what we decided is we're all going. Oh, yeah, we're going in the ocean still. Being on a plane with that is horrifically nightmarish. That is literally outside of a plane crash, which is death. Maybe preferred. Maybe. I mean, but outside of a plane crash, that's the worst thing that could possibly happen on a plane. Speaking of videos, I had seen a video recently.

I just had to confirm remembering it correctly. There was a viral video of on an airplane. There was a man who was waiting for his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom and he was going to propose right out of the bathroom well i mean like they're just they're setting it up i got the spot and so they're people always it was the one chance for her to get away where she wasn't around i don't know but so people are video recording it and she had the bubblegum. Oh, yes. You could hear it? And you can hear it.

Yes. You can hear it. So their wedding proposal video is just. Yeah. Oh, man. How embarrassing. Did he follow through with the proposal? You'll have to watch the movie.

All right. We're moving on. Isaac from Patreon. Would you rather make your bed from a pile of shoes? What? Would you rather make your bed, oh, make it from a pile of shoes to sleep on? Yeah, I was like, make your bed. I'm going to cover up in these shoes. Or from a pile of hardcover books.

You have an unlimited number of shoes or books to make said bed from. In addition, you get one comforter, but no sheets or pillows. So the bed is going to be made. The mattress is made out of shoes or books. It's got to be shoes. It's got to be books. See, I see both sides, and I understand why you would say that, because the shoes, there are comfortable parts of a shoe,

but the problem is the other parts are rubber, and they don't feel good to have your body scraping against. If you told me to go sleep on a table. Oh, no sheets. I could do it. I'm not comfortable. This isn't where I want to make my bed. But if you said sleep on that table, I could fall asleep on a table.

If you gave me a bed, a mattress, a bed, and you just put a bunch of junk on it, I don't know, like let's say a bunch of shoes. Well, no. And then you said fall asleep on this lumpy pile of hard spots. How do you sleep? I would hope it would be like a ball pit. Like it says you have an unlimited number of shoes, so I would try to build up enough shoes to where it's like a beanbag ball pit,

like absorb my body. I feel like if you take enough... What kind of shoes are these? You gotta go with Converse Chucks. Oh, that's smart. That's actually really smart. So the old soft canvas-y. Yeah, but the bottoms are rubber. They are, but if you put them all rubber down, you know,

you'll be alright. You'd have to put them a certain way. If you arrange it away i think that you can work it out do you get to pick your shoes in this you get lumps or support no you don't get a pile of shoes is it just random shoes yep i was gonna say i had a loophole there man those little i know those little footy shoes that are just soft everywhere okay well then if it's if you can't pick your shoes and you can't pick your books which is right that you're not gonna they're not even it will not be a flat like a table oh i could make it even i mean no you cannot absolutely i could oh then i could make it even with the shoes but you hold on but you actually can't one of these things are a bunch of flat objects that

stack like bricks and one of these are shoes there's no if it's all random books there's no way you are going to have a a plot of mattress the size of your body that's not with ridges this so not only is it not flat you're going to have like hard ridges stabbing in you in the back you have an unlimited number of shoes books to make said bed from. I can find books that fit together. I doubt it. Here's the cool thing. I am 100% sure that all of my books are rectangles. All of them.

Yes. Yeah. So I'm good. I'm going to be able to shape that together. I don't know. You're on a couple kids books that are die cut. But otherwise. Yeah. I won't use those.

I get to pick my books. No, you don't get to pick your books. It could be only children's books. So final answer shoe, final answer books. Yeah, so you got to tie break. I think I'm going to be more consistent. I can lift up. You can make a little book pillow, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. But you can make a shoe pillow too. Not as easily. Yeah, I'm going books. Noah from the website, would you rather have a medium-sized built-in swimming pool with no bells and whistles, diving board, slide, water features, et cetera,

so you don't get that stuff, or a state-of-the-art hot tub? This is... Our answers are going to be different because we're old. I agree. If you were a kid, there's no way you're picking a hot tub. Yeah, if you're a kid,'s no way you're picking a hot tub yeah if you're a kid it's no chance the pool because even just a i mean an above ground circle pool you have yeah when you're

a kid you transport to different worlds while you're in the pool agreed for i mean if if my question is do i want an incredible swimming pool with all of the things or a state-of-the-art hot tub, I'm probably still taking the hot tub. For real? Dude, a hot tub. Oh, man. A hot tub at night? The problem is it's the greatest thing in the world.

Like, let's say you've got a slide on your swimming pool. Yeah. That's fun for like three slides. Yeah, like how many times are you going down that slide before you're like, well, I wish I didn't pay 62 grand for that slide. I mean, I will say that my former house, we had a pool with the big grotto and the slide. And I would use a slide, yeah, you're right, like five or six times in the course of two years. Yeah.

But I use that grotto. I mean, we jump off the, like. Yeah, jumping. That's where it's at. Yeah, jumping is awesome. There should be more jumping pools. Yeah, well, 100% because they don't make diving pools like they used to. And when I say that, I mean, they just don't make them anymore. It's more jumping pools. Yeah, well, 100% because they don't make diving pools like they used to. And when I say that, I mean they just don't make them anymore.

It's like all pools. Is it because they got to go down too far in the earth? No, it's because of insurance and injuries. Because I would love a cliff pool. Like it's a pool, but on the side there's like one of those hanging walls that leans out over and you climb up and you can just fall down in the pool. Your homeowner's insurance is going to be pretty pricey. A buddy of mine, he has a house that he rented,

but it was like one of those 1950s, 1960s houses. And I went swimming in his pool. And, man, when I jumped in the deep end, and you're doing the move of, okay, I'm going to go down to the bottom, spring out, I mean, as people do when they jump into a pool. I just kept going going down and going like where is the floor of this pool starting to get desperate it was like i'm free diving this is incredible and you don't make pools like this you've got to get there you've got to get to the

bottom otherwise you're well not just your head is hurting you're getting the pressure in your ears but it's one of those things where it's like it will take you three times as long to swim up from no bottom than to go deeper and be able to jump. But it was like, I don't know how deep. It must be 15 feet deep. I mean, it was. It's a dream. It was so awesome to be able to jump into a pool or just be swimming in the pool. I know I'm about 6'6", 1", and there's not very many pools where it's like I can tread water.

I'm always afraid of kicking the ground. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, they need to make like – we need to start a pool company and make like lake pools. Yeah, I'm into that. All right. We ready to move on? Sure. What's the difference between me and you?

What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. What's the difference between a puppet, a marionette, and a dummy? Well, dummies aren't smart. That's for sure. Nice. Thank you. Nice.

That's what you come to the Spitballers Comedy Podcast for, ladies dummy is like a dummy does not have strings right a dummy has no strings this is a dummy is like only used for ventriloquist no i i think a dummy is not so like a puppet you're gonna you're gonna put a hand in it yeah a marionette you're gonna have the strings you're gonna be above it and a dummy is just like a doll. You're not. You stick your hand up a dummy. No, you don't. No, you don't. Yes, you do.

You ever seen a ventriloquist before? Yeah, that's how you make them talk. That's a puppet. That's a puppet. That's not a dummy. No, that's a dummy. A crash test dummy. It's called a ventriloquist dummy.

No. A dummy has like full body parts. It's not like a sock where you're going in up at the bottom. Here's a highway to spell for you. Ventriloquist. Dude, did you hear how quick I bailed out of the word? I can't even say it because ventriloquist. They're literally called ventriloquist dummies.

Yeah, they're dummies. That's what they are. No. And you stick your hand right up it. They have limbs, though, where I feel like a puppet. Maybe they have arms, but you're going, it's like a sock. You're going in from the bottom, but that's it.

So, okay, hold on. But a marionette, you never insert your hand. A marionette is easy. It's the strings. It's Pinocchio before he's a real boy. Marionette's easy. Yeah, everyone knows what a marionette is. We don't even need that here.

The real question is, what is the difference between a puppet and a dummy? Now, Mike is making the assertion that a dummy has full limbs. A puppet does not. Like, a puppet doesn't have a bottom half. Correct. And a dummy...

You need a puppet theater for a puppet. A ventriloquist dummy, oftentimes they move the limbs with a stick held by the ventriloquist. Yeah, but it's not strings from the top. It's not like you just put your they move the limbs with a stick held by the ventriloquist yeah but it's not strings from the top it's not like you just put your hands into the arms like a like a puppet and then use your your your thumb and your pinky yeah they lose they use they have longer arms if you're a dummy so we're talking this is about body parts it and i do not want to use a

dummy i don't think you move the mouth of a dummy. Yeah. Oh, you do. Yeah, with your hand. You don't think the ventriloquist moves the dummy's mouth? But no one. I can cast the dummy's voice into my mouth. Watch this.

Doesn't it look like I'm talking? Not the dummy. It's a backwards. A backwards ventriloquist the dummy just makes me talk and i'm so good at it guys i'm so good it really looks like i'm the one speaking so realistic i've trained for a year i've trained for years uh puppets are smaller than dummies that's what i would say they are for sure but they also like did you ever like get into puppets are smaller than dummies that's what i would say they are for sure but they also like did you ever like get into puppets or puppeteering or anything like that i did not not me neither no i really didn't but they seemed really cool as a kid like we had less entertainment

when we were young so puppet shows seemed cool oh yeah you get a you take a sock and put some buttons on it well i didn't mean in my house like watching them oh oh watching the pro watching the pros no i've never ever gone and seen the pros no no i neither i even even like the the the big names i don't know i don't know who the i think there's one big name like jim henson no neither one of those no um i'm talking about like the like a stand-up comedian and they're like uh well who does like ventriloquist yes there is one yeah there is one guy that guy sucks oh yeah i mean i've just never found any of any like puppeteering or ventriloquism funny i mean that was that was sesame street that was all puppets that's what jim henson's sesame street is those are puppets

yeah oh those are all puppets so like big bird is considered a puppet no big bird's got limbs i've seen big bird's legs hmm that's more like a costume that's a mascot yeah well it's a it's a costume because your whole body has to go in there for big bird yes yeah for grouch no yeah oh yeah oh actually grouch is a puppet yeah he's a puppet because he doesn't have a bottom half exactly but that but but isn't Grover considered a puppet? Does he have a bottom half? Yeah. Oh, crap.

Then he's a dummy. Oh, he's a marionette. No, he doesn't have strings. No. Yeah, they do. But not from the top. From the bottom, the sticks. Yeah.

Yeah, sticks are dummies. Strings are marionettes. Yeah, Grover must be a dummy. Well, he was pretty stupid. What's the difference between frosting and icing? Okay, whoa. Man, we're bringing out the hard ones today. Uh-oh. The difference between frosting,

frosting, there's a T in that word, frosting, frosting and icing. I don't think frosting can ever be inside of something. Frosting has to be over the top of it. Whereas icing can't, you know, you have cake with icing. Layered cake.

Icing layers. You don't have frosting layers, do you? I mean, think about what frost means in the world. Yeah, something's covered. Yeah, it's like, yeah. So when you take like a chocolate cake and then you you have like strawberry frosting because the whole the whole cake is now red right because it's covered in frosting not strawberry icing but if you take that if you take that cake and you cut it in half well or you know you put two together and you put

a layer in the middle and it's the exact same... Flavor? No, the literal, like you took the same bowl. The exact same. You take the frosting. You take the frosting you're using on the outside, and you put it on the in-between. Can I be honest with you guys?

Is that icing in-between? I think they're the same. I think they're the exact same. I don't think there's a difference. We're supposed to know everything. I think this is like some people probably in certain states say frosting and some people say icing. So you're telling me.

It's like Coke and pop. Well, those are sort of the same thing. Coke is just a brand version of pop. So is icing a brand version? No, not in the Midwest. They just call them all a Coke. Yes, I know they interchange the word. But so a cake that's covered in the frosting, like we established that.

Then what would you call it if you put something on the rim? I had to cheat. You did? I had to cheat. I had to know. And we're here for the people and we need to- Did we get it right? No, no, you guys are totally wrong.

We will cheat for the people. I'm still just asking questions. Okay. But yeah, I'm cheating for the people. I'm a man of the people. Now seeing it, it makes complete sense. Frosting is the spreadable, like, you know, it's thick, it's whipped. So it's on the cake.

Yeah, it's on the cake. That's frosting. Icing is basically the, that's when, you'd think about like a honey bun or something. Oh, it's dripped onto it? That's glazed. It's drizzled? So the term, frosting is generally thicker and fluffier than icing which is thinner and tends

to spread more quickly and harden when dry. What is glazed? Icing hardens. You ever make the little sugar cookies and then put the icing on top of them and that hardens? Yeah. And it's like a crispy bite. Like an animal cracker?

No. Or like, I'm sorry, the circus ones. No. No? Still no. No. I'm talking, you never made like a sugar cookie and then put icing on them? I don't know.

I put frosting on a sugar cookie. Now that's a good time. That is the, frosting is better than icing. Oh, frosting is better than icing. Let's make sure that's clear. Frosting is better than icing. Let's make sure that's clear. And I will say this. One thing I have never seen done before, and it seems like low-hanging fruit, why aren't we doing it? Let's put some icing on whatever we're making, whatever baked good,

and then let's put some frosting once that hardens. Let's have frosting on top of the icing. Yeah. Can I get an amen? Amen. Thank you. People in their cars gave me an amen. Yeah, they did.

What is the difference between a snicker, a chuckle, and a giggle? Okay. Giggles are higher pitched. You can't. No, that's not a giggle. Okay. Giggles are higher pitched. You can't. No, that's not a giggle. That's not a giggle. It's creepy. Yeah.

That's not a giggle either. That's not a giggle? That's like a cackle. Yeah, that's a cackle. Yeah, that's a cackle. Which wasn't even in here. No. A snicker has to be at the expense of something, right?

I feel like. You can't snicker at something that at the expense of something, right? I feel like. You can't snicker at something that's not negative. I feel like it's real short. Okay. Is that a snicker? No, but that was too high pitched. That was a giggle. No, I completely agree with Andy here that a snicker has to be.

You can't just snicker. You have to snicker at something. Yeah, there's not a funny joke and you give it a snicker. No. That doesn't happen. I don't know. You snicker at Mike falling down the stairs. Yeah, exactly.

Why do they call it a snickerdoodle? That's a totally different debate. Let's get back to the icing. Don't distract us. A snicker, a chuckle, and a giggle. The snicker is at something. The chuckle is brief. Yeah, that's what I was going to say, too.

A giggle lasts longer than a chuckle. And a giggle is not controllable. You don't choose to giggle. Right. A giggle comes from within. That's why when I'm trying to giggle and when Mike's trying to giggle we can't giggle. Yeah, that's why I never sounded like a giggle. Yeah, because it's not authentic. Now if I tickled you

you could giggle. Now, are we sure a chuckle is not like a laugh with your mouth closed? I think you could chuckle with your mouth open. Like, you we sure a chuckle is not like a laugh with your mouth closed i think you could chuckle with your mouth open it's like you know a chuckle is like it's real short yeah it is it's a short like maybe patronizing one of jason's jokes we would chuckle huh yeah like if we we might chuckle oh that was a that was not even all the way there i don't think you have to have two of those. You got to have two. That's a chuckle. Okay.

Yeah. And what was the other one you brought up just while we're at it? A cackle. A cackle. Oh, a cackle. Cackle has an evil intent. Oftentimes, and I believe this, villains will snicker and cackle. Yeah.

That's some of their favorite types of laughter. I would agree with that yeah uh what is the difference between a living room a family room and a den a den this has been one of the more complicated things in my life the living room family room thing the living room the family and the den the den is uh we for the record two-thirds of us here were licensed realtors. Yeah. So we have your answers. You do.

They're just buried deep down inside. To me, when I picture a den, it is a smaller room. It may have no doors or double doors. No closet. That open, and there's no closet. Right. It's not a bedroom. And oftentimes the double doors are open all the time.

You could sometimes close the doors to the den, but sometimes there's just no doors and sometimes it's just an archway. I can agree with that. And sometimes you sit at a desk in a den. A living room, that's the- I know my answer. So here's my answer. A living room, that's where most of the hanging out goes.

Absolutely. That's where your television is. That's where your television is. That's where your couch is. Now, a family room looks identical to the living room, but you're not allowed in it. That's right, and there's no TV. There's no TV in a family room. I think sometimes there can be. Only if it's unused.

It can't be plugged into something. No cable service, no streaming service. It's not connected to internet. Can you use it for Thanksgiving? Family room? The family room? To sit and talk. Only adults.

Right. Only adults, because there's probably a white couch in there. Fancy pillows. That no one is, that only adults are allowed to sit on. Does it have a cover? Not on Thanksgiving. You take it off once a year. You say, look at this view. The rest of the on does it have a cover not on thanksgiving you take it off once a year you say look the rest of the year it's a plastic clear cover yeah because the whole

room is sometimes sectioned off well because that's where i mean you live in the other room right this is not a room to live in your living room is definitely for the family to be sometimes your living room is your tv room your family room is look i have a house big enough to have an unused room that's what it is is that the true success is how many rooms you don't use in life but i don't i don't i don't think so but it's like it's not an enclosed room but it and it has to be very visible and very in the way that you're not allowed to use it like i had a a friend's like in the middle of like when you're walking in yes i had a friend's house. Like in the middle of where you're walking in? Yes. I had a friend's house, or a friend went over to their house when we were young,

and we were headed to their room, and I took a step to go forward into the house. They went, no! No one's allowed to walk through there. Take a different path? Yeah. So they had a room, not a closed room, but an area, and you were not allowed to walk through it. And I thought, oh, this must be their family room.

Right. Yeah. Because no family is allowed. It's really – It's one only family. He was not part of the family. It's named ironically. It is.

All right. Moving on. The Spitballers Draft. today we are drafting things to not cheap out on and i'm very pleased to have the number one of course because there is a clear and obvious one it's ironic because the number one deals with number two baby because we're talking about toilet paper with the 101 toilet paper is the greatest thing to not cheap out on in the world i really hope like i knew we were talking about this before the show i was telling you there's a 101 a clear 101 i said that you would get it because you know

we never know and i just hoped that you'd let it pass by but that is the 101 i mean uh if if there is a product you pay a price if there is a product where i'm gonna travel somewhere and where i arrive doesn't have a good enough version of the product i want they're providing it they're gonna say hey you know what this is on us i'm gonna say no you keep that crap i'm bringing my own toilet paper that's i mean that's just how valuable the the gap is because i know myself and andy if we go on a vacation we're bringing that ultra soft i brought an extra roll for you knowing you you might have forgotten one of your kind man yeah so toilet paper is my answer mike you are on the clock it is a good answer oh you know what we should have done to build our list? What's that? We should have just gone and asked Papa Josh, how do you like saving money?

How do you save money? That's true. He's a single-ply guy. He's a single-ply monster. You don't call that a guy. No guys buy single-ply. They're only monsters. I've got one word for you.

Callous. Where do they even sell one-ply? I feel like he's got to go to. Yeah, you have to go steal that from a port-a-potty. Yeah. All right, Mike, you're up. So I used to be cheap on this product. Okay.

And things have changed. Things have changed. We've been in the podcast game for quite some time. You get sponsors that come and go and so oh boy and sometimes the sponsor will send you some of what they're selling because like we want you to be able to talk about it authentically and they don't make you pay for it i know exactly what you're talking about it would have been drafted by me brother and since since this article of clothing has touched my body, I have completely changed my outlook, and it is underpants.

A hundred thousand percent. So far we have two picks, and both of them touch the same body parts? Yes, that is true. They're important gentle body parts. We are coddling our undercarriages, gentlemen. And I will say this um i cannot tell you the underpants because they are no longer sponsoring the part uh the podcast yeah so they don't get a free plug no no no pay up uh but if you find them oh my goodness christ it is it it

it has changed like you're less grumpy when you have good comfortable underpants let me tell i'm serious could they step in for the one ply? Like, would they be able to? In an emergency? Yeah. If I had to tear these up and use them, of course I could because they're baby soft. Since we are no longer active sponsors, and we're not naming the sponsor, and we're very positive towards the sponsor, let me tell a story. very positive towards the sponsor.

Let me tell a story. When we first received said product and we looked up, I don't even think we had received the product yet, but we received a sponsorship. Yeah. They're going to send us some product. And we look up this website. We go, oh my goodness, Grant, $35 for a single pair of underwear?

Yeah. Who's buying this? Yes. I've got 20 of these now. This is my life i will not ever buy anything less than these amazing underpants there's he liquidated his 529s i have found other ways in my life to save money to make sure that there is a surplus that handles my underpants make sure your budget your hiney is feeling finey we teach kids in school to invest to save and invest this invest in yourself this is investing in yourself money well spent toilet

paper and underwear jason what do you got for us all right well i've got i've got one there to me there were three there were the big three and you got the big two now i'm going internal okay you guys are going with what happens on the outside. Well, look, you're dealing with the body parts on the outside. I'm dealing with the body parts on the inside. I'm talking about the tum tum. And here's where I don't want to cheap out. Sushi. I'm not eating some cheap old nasty raw fish.

I want nice sushi. I want to eat that sliver of salmon and I want to go, that's sushi great. If you're a sushi eater and you've had cheap sushi, gas station sushi, sometimes you can't even swallow it. That's a band name right there. It is as hard to eat as it is to say. So that's my next one up is sushi. Okay. And now I have never used this next one.

Mike, I know you have. But if I were to use one of these things. Dang it. What? I don't know if it'll be the same as yours, as what you think. I'm baffled. But if I were to get one,

I am not getting a cheap tattoo artist. That was it. This is a permanent marking on my body. It's not on my list, but you are so correct. Yeah, cheap tattoo is on my list are you a famous tattoo artist for how good you are okay i i mean to trust no regrets man no no no rog right i don't need a budget pick permanently marked on my body that you know it's just gonna look it was gonna

be my next pick it's a great that's it's a good pick, and it is. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you can't afford to get a tattoo, because tattoos are from a good artist. They are expensive. If you can't afford it, just wait. Do not force the issue and say, no, I found this person. They'll do it for this price. Don't. That's not the area you want to do that.

Do not do it for this price. Don't. That's not the area you want to do that. Do not do it. All right, so then I will go. That will take me to my next pick. Do not try to find budget surgery. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's cheap surgeons. There's all sorts of ways you can do that.

I mean, some people do the trips to out of the country. It's like, well, I got to go do this because it's going to save me money. And then, I mean, there are surgeries that you just don't want to mess around. Like, if you're getting an eye surgery, I'd be willing to pay up. Yeah, like LASIK or something. Yeah, that's a good one. Take care of it. If it goes wrong, you're not going to be happy that you saved a few bucks.

You may not even get to fight about it. All right. Where is that scalpel? I mean, you hear about that. That's insane where tools are left. I mean, this happens where a tool used for surgery is sewn back up in the body. Yeah, that's bad. Although, is that good?

I don't think so. I don't think it's good. Can you sue them for all they got? And they probably don't have that much. You make it. All right. Now, I feel like if I'm a doctor and I stitch a scalpel up into someone's belly or whatever, and they come to me like no doc

I'm telling you there's just there's something wrong and I go okay I'm gonna have a look I'm gonna open you up I'm gonna pull that scalpel up and say there was nothing wrong it was everything this is the tool I was using everything was a okay you let me know if you're feeling better in a couple days because I think I have a hunch. Call it a hunch. Yeah, I don't. Doctor's hunch. I'm sure you don't just go reopen someone up because they say it feels wrong. I'll bet you take an MRI, take an x-ray, and then you look at that x-ray and you go,

I think I have a scalp blunder. You push that up on the x-ray display thing and then you put your hand over that part. It's all good. Yeah, looking pretty good. Maybe we can get in there and just take a look around. The x-ray, it's not conclusive. I'm going to need a better look. Yeah.

All right, so you went with Surgeon. Unfortunately, Tattoo and Surgeon were my next two picks, so you guys did very well. I have toilet paper. I'm going to follow it up with something I drink it every day. And look, the best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. I'm going with coffee. Take that, Folgers. And I don't think you've got to spend way up on coffee.

You just have to not try to cheap out on coffee, which is the point of the draft. I think coffee's up there. Then I'm going to go with ... Boy. I'm having a hard time because there's a few that

I almost want to talk about them. I'm going to go with a little bit of a left field one here because I have met enough people, business owners to know the biggest mistake that they make. And I'm going to say you don't cheap out on employees. I don't think you cheap out on employees because I think you got to pay a little bit more to get a better employee. And that's going to be-

Time out. Time out. Yeah. Employees. Earmuffs. Earmuffs. Earmuffs. Earmuffs. Okay. Continue, Andy. got to pay a little bit more to get a better employee and that's gonna be time out time out yeah uh employees earmuffs yeah okay continue andy but but yeah i mean if you i know enough people that are like uh they run electrician or plumbing companies or hvac companies and they can't find workers because they're not willing to pay they're not willing to pay enough money to get a good person to do the job so they end up training the same brand new person 57 times a year so i think employees are something not that you it is a fair answer yeah do not quote me on that i've seen some business and they're like we can't get people to work for us i'm like well what are you offering like what yeah they should want to work

for me of course they're not gonna work for that that. What are you doing? Okay, I have, I'm going to. You got underwear insurgents. Yes, and I have no idea what's on Jason's list, but I still have to feel like I'm playing the game. And I'm going to go. I mean, it's kind of right along there with having the good underpants. Bedsheets. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep. Yes, sir. Honestly, that one came out of a sponsor, too. Yep. We were sent some bed sheets.

This is the stuff you don't know. If no one sends you stuff that you would never spend the money on, and you don't pay for it, and then you go, oh, this world exists. There are certain- This is a weird show. There are certain things. We're here oh, this world exists. There are certain. This is a weird show. There are certain things. We're here to be honest with people. There are certain things in life that seem so exorbitant, so costly, and they aren't always worth it.

You know, like I've seen like a couch. It's like that couch is $20,000. Right. It's not that good. I sat on it. It's's like this is a nice couch i can get that one for two grand that that that doesn't make the difference you look at 35 underwear and you're like that is crazy yes because proportionally because there there's you can get on like a full 10 pack of underwear for like five dollars or five to ten bucks problem is is

with sheets if you spend more money on the sheet, like the pair that we got sent, the sheets we got sent, they're still the same quality today as they were three years ago. Whereas if you buy cheap sheets, they get all pilly and you throw them out and you buy cheap sheets 20 times in the same amount of time. Yeah, so I'm telling you, once you find a pair of bed sheets that you, if you look at the price, I can't pay this for bed sheets I can get. Give yourself permission to go in one time and then strap those bad boys on and see how you sleep.

Look, we're going away from just. Now, do you sleep in your underwear, Mike? I do. Oh, boy, it's a combo. I mean, you're just living. All your skin is protected. L-I-V-I-N. Yeah, we're going from like-

The bed sheets are made out of the same underwear material. It's just one material Mike likes. It probably is. He makes his own bed sheets. He just buys more of the underwear, sews them together. Sews them together. So I feel like we're going from funny truths,, funny truths like the tattoo artist, right? Yeah.

To just truths. To just like, this is just good advice, people. So I'm like, like the bed sheets. And I'm going to go with one where I stopped finally. And this is recent, which, which I think will surprise you guys. Cause you know, I'm always like, ah, I want the, the, the, the fancier item or whatever. It was just finally recently. And this and this wasn't even a money thing. This was a, I'm so doggone sick of replacing them things.

Batteries. Oh, my goodness. If you buy cheap batteries, you know what you're buying on Tuesday and Thursday? More batteries. And Saturday, more batteries. Yeah. Cheap batteries. I'm for it. They don't last. They are. I've always bought the cheap batteries. Oh,. Yeah. Cheap batteries. I'm for it.

They don't last. They are. I've always bought the cheap batteries. Oh, stop it. Oh, dude. Do yourself a favor and gain time back in your life. Time is money, Andy. Because you're not replacing them.

You're not replacing them. And you're not. It's, it also, like. Okay, guys. We can have this conversation. All right, keep it quiet. What are you supposed to do with dead batteries? Chuck them over the neighbor's yard. Does anyone know? Oh, wait, wait, wait. All right, keep it quiet. What are you supposed to do with dead batteries? Chuck them over the neighbor's yard.

Does anyone know? Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to go in the garbage. Let me tell you. Which I've never done. No. If they're not supposed to go in the garbage. What am I supposed to do with dead batteries?

Don't you feed them to turtles? If they're not supposed to go in the garbage. Because I honestly don't know. I definitely don't think they're supposed to go in the garbage, because I honestly don't know. I don't know. This is like... I definitely don't think they're supposed to go in the garbage. Oh, okay. Well, I've never done that. Of course.

I have not. I have not. Al? Yeah. Al, let's get the man on. I have not thrown away 100,000 batteries in the garbage. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't either.

But yeah yeah our community has like recycling events so you're supposed to put them in a container and then bring them in they do it every like quarterly you save the dead batteries yeah yeah because you're not supposed to put them it's like motor oil and stuff you don't throw motor oil like in like paint what no you're you're not i would never paint are you serious yeah you're not like a like if you have a what i mean look look everyone listening we don't it's called any of this in the garbage we don't throw any of this in the garbage we take care of it responsibly it's ridiculous that we would never there's there are all these yeah we're so environmentally friendly super care about this stuff there's all these like rules but when do they tell you the rules i apparently on the spitballers comedy podcast because this is new information for me i thought paint was just fine in there is what someone said

to me once i i don't i'm telling you because i don't know i think you're not supposed well i certainly know a car if you're gonna do it with paint just take the lid off leave it outside for a few days let it all dry up then you're fine i uh i will i i have done one response responsible thing for sure which is never throwing a car battery into a trash can nice those i know to take jason's face i just i agree oh no this is i'm a car battery you can take in and they'll take them from you okay good good good i bet the car battery people take the regular batteries too what if the car battery people just throw it in the trash yeah they just go whoop shoulder. That concerned citizen feels better about themselves. Now I'll take care of this.

We've got special trashes. They go to the special yard. Yeah, I need to, like, Google what I'm not supposed to throw away. I never learned these things. Jason, you have to draft something other than batteries. I just did them naturally. Yeah, yeah. I have to draft something?

Yeah, you have a final pick. You have sushi, tattoos, batteries, and then you're not going to cheap out on what else? Okay. I've got two real practical ones here. Trying to decide which one. One of them I think is more important for the people. But I'm not going to pick that one. I'll share that on the free agent list after we're done.

I'm going to pick the one that angers myself. If our home has a cheap version of this, I get so frustrated because they are not made the same. This is another one of those products where the difference between a cheap one and a nice one actually is different. Very, very different. Very similar to toilet paper, except it doesn't go on your bum bum. It's just paper towels. Rolls of paper towels. If you buy cheap paper towels, you are pushing water around.

You are just... Or you're using four times as many. 100%. The commercials are right about that. They are super right. Look, they're not a sponsor, but Bounty, you're doing good work. I'm giving you a free shout-out because your product is great. It's the quicker picker-upper.

I get so angry when we get off-brand garbage. It's like a squeegee. Yeah, it doesn't work. It doesn't do its job. I won't draft it because I don't want to just repeat the same type of things, but Kleenex is the same way. If you don't get a real Kleenex... Say goodbye to your nose. I mean, puffs,

they're doing their best, but other than those two, that's just like, I don't know, Steel Wolf blowing my nose into. Alright, paper towels, good pick. Mike, your final selection. Alright. I'm going to go... paper towels good pick mike your final selection all right um i'm gonna go we'll go okay we'll go with a with the psa type of a thing when you're trying to figure out where in your life you're going to save money do not do it here. Presents for your spouse. Oh, smart.

Make sure. Smart. Look, sometimes it's not even just the item. Sometimes they need to know that I financially care. Yeah. I got you a Louis Vuitton purse. It's really nice. Louis Vuitton?

Yeah. Has anybody ever tried to give the cheap gift and then say, now I saved us a lot of money here. Yeah. See, that's, that doesn't work. There's going to be spouses out there that they will, they will appreciate that. But for the most part, that's not where you want to cut corners. Yeah. Be willing, be willing to pay a little bit more than you're comfortable with.

Well, then I'll close it out with, I have toilet paper, coffee, and employees, and I'm going to close it out with a criminal lawyer. Oh, my goodness. That's a home run pick. Oh, my gosh. That's the 101. That is the best. Amen, Ian.

Yeah, I mean, if I'm going, if I'm being charged or something, I'm not going cheap. I have thought about. I'll figure out how to pay for it later. I mean, like. I'll commit another crime. No, no, no.

So I can pay for the lawyers. You don't have to commit the crime. Sometimes people are wrongfully accused of a crime. If I am wrongfully accused of a crime, I don't want to be found guilty for it. I think about that all the time. Like, the difference in lawyers are enormous. You get a bad lawyer and it's like they're just gonna cut a deal you're like but i didn't do it but yeah but you they can find a guilt you know it's a better thing just better you know it'll go off your record blah blah blah how often do you think

about this no i have just yeah every couple hours just you know every couple hours. Just, you know, every couple hours I'm always, you know, really, really worried about getting away with all these crimes. But, like, no, the reason that I think about it is because, you know, we're in the sports world and you see celebrities and athletes and they always get away with the, you know, whatever they're doing because they have these crazy expensive lawyers. And you just think to yourself, yourself like if i was in that situation pay it all take my entire bank account just you know what i mean like freedom is worth all yes it's worth all like you know it's it's like we were joking at lunch the other day about electric companies and about how if they were not regulated and they could just come to you and be like we decided to change our pricing.

We want half whatever your salary is. Just show us your pay stub and we'll take half. You would be like, okay. I have to have power. You need power. And so that's what the lawyer to me, that was not on my list. That is a brilliant pick. Don't cheap out on criminal lawyers.

No, don't. And some final uh considerations some honorable mentions to throw out there you said sheets so i didn't want to say mattress but mattress is definitely on the list pillows yeah uh helmets of all kind i imagine you just that's a good one figure any helmets you probably want to spend normal money protective safety devices anything safety like yeah, any safety thing. Car seats. Childcare.

Child car seats. Yeah. Yeah, I saw on a list, like, babysitters. Oh, yeah. You want a quality person. I've got haircuts. That was the one. Yes.

That was like, pay for a good salon. I'd rather get a haircut less often. Yeah. From a good haircut. Absolutely. Paint get a haircut less often from a good haircut. Absolutely. Paint? Have you guys used cheap paint? Oh, cheap paint's bad.

You got to 20-coat that thing. You pay five times as much for expensive paint, but that's one coat. Okay. All right. Got anything else, Mike? No. Yeah, no, that's good. What did we learn today?

Nothing when it comes to throwing stuff away. Yeah, because we already knew all of those. Yeah, I knew about the rules about garbaging batteries. Pooping in the ocean is impossible. Oh, you did learn that, didn't you? The biggest thing I learned, which is the only thing I didn't

actually know coming into the show, because we usually pretty much know everything, is what icing is. And it's hardening non-spreadable

delicious sugar. Yeah, hardening frosting. That is it for today's episode of the Spitballers Pod. Thanks for joining us. Back with another episode next week.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.