Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 257: Building a House & Our Favorite Sports - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Metric or Imperial? Which side are you on? We also talk about trying to build our own homes, backyard bidets, and what age to teach your kids to drive. Andy, Mike, and Jason each share a news article they found fascinating, and we close it down with a draft of our favorite sports. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Hoops and scoops! Hoops and scoops! What? Nope.oops What? Nope Wow, that is not That was not the word that I thought was going to come out

But I went scoops twice Oh, mercy That was an all-time bad one Yeah, it was Bottom fiver Oh, thank you Thank you If you think that that was the fifth worst and not the worst one.

Well, to be fair, the worst one is still a bottom fiver. So it could be. It's definitely in contention. If we're drafting the worst, it would be drafted highly. I'm saying to not just automatically go bottom three. Did you think something better was going to happen? Yeah. Scoops. Yep. Scoops. There was. Scoops. bottom three because did you think something better was going to happen yeah scoops yep

there was scoops there there was there was gonna be a theme by the end but yeah there was but the words they did not happen well there you go welcome in to the spitballers hopefully you're still with us would you rather nope is this real life and we are drafting today as usual and um al borland in the building what's up spitwads now i believe i am quoting him when he says he feels like he has a small child in his belly did we have a big lunch today we did oh man we had some mot sticks on the table that got me mot sticks are something i did and i you and neither of you guys attended, but I formally retired from that world.

From mozzarella sticks? What? Yeah. What an idiot. Due to the ramifications that Al is now experiencing, I did have to have a formal. I invited the family. I guess it was mostly family that was there,

but I did retire formally from mozzarella sticks. And it's not something i wanted to do that's incredible because they're delicious but they are you pay the price man you do uh i'm currently with twins as well so my my tum tum i mean maybe that explains what happened at the beginning of the show mozzarella sticks maybe that's why you used poops in uh in the scat jason you have not retired from mozzarella sticks i'm i'm considering uh a very late retirement um i'm thinking maybe in my 80s i will step away oh you're one of those pros that like they had their prime but then they hang on just for a bite here or there i like to think of myself more as a

hard worker as someone that just loves to work. I'm not going to retire early. I'm not going to give this up. I'm going to go until my dying day eating mozzarella sticks. Have you had mozzarella sticks? That's why. They are one of the best things in the world of food. It sounds like, okay, we know what that is.

It's good. But when you actually just break it down, you go, it's fried cheese, bro. It's just deep fried cheese. There can be – I've had bad mozzarella sticks where it certainly was not worth the exchange. Like a really good one, maybe you're willing to be with child. I don't know. I've had some bad ones, and they were delicious.

They're still great, right? Like bad for a mozzarella stick. Where it's like when they're real crumbly, like in the, and the, the breadcrumbs just falling off. It's, it's not that good. No, no, that's, that's when they're bad, but they're still, they're still pretty good. It's still deep fried cheese. There's nothing quite like when you get older though, you do, if you want to exchange your

comfort later for the deliciousness now. I have had those times when I have made the exchange. I'm like, man, this is not that good. You know what I mean? You want it to be really, really good if you're going to eat the calories or eat the bad thing. And then you're like, man, this is like a mediocre bad thing. So mozzarella sticks just aren't your jam. No, a really, really good one I could come out of retirement for.

Yeah, but the fact that he's saying that there are bad ones. Yeah, he doesn't get it. I guess that's true. You don't get it, man. You don't understand mod sticks like we do. I am pregnant right now. All right, we're moving on. Would you rather?

He doesn't get it. All right, would you rather question from doesn't get it. All right. Would you rather question from Samantha on the website. Would you rather have the U.S. switch over to the metric system or switch over to driving on the left side of the road? Oh, I mean, okay. Would you rather us do something smart or do something stupid? That's how I read this question. Why is left side of the road stupid?

Because we drive on the right. But we also use the, I believe, imperial system. Yeah, but the system we use in the U.S. for measurement is objectively idiotic. Yeah, but you know it. We know it because we're raised up in it. If your alphabet was idiotic, because we could logically say it was you still have spent your life learning the alphabet in the certain order that it was in and i don't want to go figure out how many kilometers an hour is normal i know miles it

will just take you a day it will not just take you i think you could make the the move to metric very quick the idea of driving. That gets rid of inches. On the other side of the road. I like inches, man. There's no muscle memory to measurement. You know what I mean? You measure something, and you look at the ruler,

or you look at the device, and you say, okay, it is this much. Even miles per hour. It's so easy. They don't make you do a test when you go overseas to drive. You just figure it out. You'll learn the driving in a day. But part of the driving is also figuring out how to manage your speeds. No, you don't have to do both.

If you switch over to the left side of the road, you're still going miles per hour. No, I'm saying to your point of when you go overseas, you don't have to take a driver's test, but you're still dealing with metric. Yeah, you still have to do the kilometer math. Which is no problem. Those cars, the meter is in kilometers.

Yeah. So you're literally just looking down and looking at the speed limit. Yeah, I mean, that's fair. Yeah, but I think it's a really easy transition. And we have 12 inches as a foot. We have 36 inches as a yard. Not an easy transition.

It's so easy. 10, 100, 1,000. How big is that wall in metric? That's a 10-foot wall. I don't know what it is. Oh, off the top of my head, but give me a week.

I disagree. I vote formally for the I'd rather drive on the other side of the road. Oh, man. I've never been in an accident, and I will be in so many. I will just... I'm going to make the wrong decision. I'm going to go down the road the wrong way. I'm going to turn, and I'm going to be on a one-way road the wrong way i'm gonna turn and i'm gonna be on a one way road the wrong way good whoa wow i think you just asked me to die no i mean you you have

autopilot you take care of uh maybe yeah that that seems hasn't that been your thing you're almost always on autopilot yeah but usually just straight not for turns and it's fair but you're not a beta user one no they watched my cell phone usage way too close when you touch that button one-way roads are i think those are just confusing on in general like when we go downtown because he was saying if he has a one-way road it's the only road where it doesn't matter which country you're in no but i'm saying that i don't care if I drive on the left or not. If you get into a situation where there's just one-ways everywhere, it's always confusing. Yeah, it's frustrating.

My point is I would come up to an intersection. I feel like I would just naturally turn right, and now I'm in oncoming traffic. So you're not planning on driving if you ever go overseas, not renting a vehicle? Because you're going to kill yourself? Yeah, I think I'll use public transportation for the most part all right and al you are firmly on my side right correct yeah so it's 50 50 uh the spit wads are gonna have to let us know which side they're on just to be clear we're not we're we're saying everyone drives on the left or is this i have to drive on the left while everyone continues to be driving on the right? We're going to go with everyone here.

Okay. I just want to make sure. Otherwise, you're walking. If that's the case, then I have to not take that one. Justin from the website, would you rather live in a home you built yourself using nothing but your skills and YouTube, but you are given unlimited funds, or would you buy the home that you live in, but stick to a max of $200,000?

What? So you're saying, it's a good question, because you get to build. Okay, explain it to me. You get to build as big of a house. $5 million, man. As robust of a house. You get all the materials, but you got to build it,

and it's you and you two. Or you just get a $200,000 house. Okay, we're saying I am the only one who can provide labor for this house. Correct. You, Mike, right. Your hands will build this house. This house will never be built ever. How long would it take a skilled person who actually knows carpentry and masonry and they know how to

work with metals how long would it take one person to build a 2 000 square foot house a talented person yes by themselves yes it would take six months no way six months yeah they can't build a regular house with multiple crews in six months well i mean you've been working a little bit around the clock here this is your house you need to get into it normal built like a new construction house is like 8 to 12 months and that's with so many people yeah but they're building multiples at one time they're not focusing on that single house i think six months is the i'm'm going to stick with it. I... There's no way. The idea of me...

You could frame a house in how long? I mean, how long could you frame a house? With multiple people? No. Real fast. I'm talking to the man.

I don't know. A couple weeks? A couple weeks. You're almost done. I mean, obviously, size of the house makes a big difference. If it's a mansion,

it's going to take a while. Laying that foundation by yourself, that is not going to be a good time. But here's what I know. I'll be skipping the foundation. Just right into the dirt. So if you told me to build a house, okay, a home, and it was four walls, okay, just a box with a roof that kind of goes up at a point like roofs do.

Oh, there's flat roofs. This one is a point like roofs do. You just want to do an A-frame. I just want an A-frame as they call it. If I were given a million dollars to succeed in this project, I don't know if I could do it. I mean, if I did it, there's not going to be a door on that thing. There's not going to be a window.

It's going to be... To finish, you have to be on the inside of the house? Or the outside. I mean, you're just staying wherever your last piece was put in place. I feel like I could build walls and a roof. And you got YouTube. YouTube is very helpful.

You can build a lot of stuff with that. If you're not factoring in time, I'd like it to be my project. I'd like the unlimited resources. I think with enough time, I'd be happier with that house. The thing is that 200K, I mean economy maybe you can get yourself a little townhome you got about a thousand square feet probably for that amount of money where we're from if you told me i get a studio apartment or an infinite money build your own house i'm gonna go with the one that doesn't kill me which is the studio apartment this house has fallen down upon me if it is built

with my hands and knowledge and YouTube knowledge. I think you underestimate yourself. I think you could do two things. I think you could drive on the other side of the road without dying and I think you could build a house with enough time. That's very, very kind. Look, I know I can land a plane, okay,

but building a room? Not happening. I did start to think about. You have to be the one who goes to get all the permits. You got to know how to do all that stuff. Yeah, I think we're going to. That's also something I'm skipping. I think we're going to skip that.

Yeah, I'm skipping that. I'm with Andy on this. And to be clear, there won't be like. That's how we know the house is coming down. There's no plumbing. I'm pooping and peeing outside. Oh, outhouse? Okay.

Yeah, I mean, like like i'm just talking getting the walls the walls that get up how do humans connect to sewers how do we like in this case i'd say utilities are brought to the the site for you okay but i'm acting i'm actually curious like a pipe so they they build they just is there like one pipe yeah every house that goes down or does it go into like a center in the neighborhood all goes to this spot then that connects i would imagine if it's a sewer every house just connects right to the sewer at the front so if you're in the sewer just like every couple hundred feet there's like a little yeah yeah oh for sure wow this is incredible work we've done humanity and that's that's where the Ninja Turtles live, in the sewer.

Yeah. Hmm. Eating pizza. Maybe I need to get the- Pizza and poop. Yeah. Maybe I need to get the house, buy the house. Yeah.

Mike from the website, would you rather have to use a porta potty- Oh, here we go. That's ironic. With a bidet in your backyard or use the toilets in your house with a one-ply toilet paper. So you got to go outside, do a porta potty, but it's very nice. Or you got a one-ply in the house. Oh, man. So this is really, I feel like a question near and dear to my heart.

Yeah. I hate one-ply. It's near and dear to something. I hate going without my bidet. lie and i was near and dear to something i hate going without my bidet but the smell of an outhouse you know one of the reasons i like a bidet a nice warmed seat a nice time you know it takes it'll be warm yeah you'll have a nice warm seat for most of the year yeah it takes uh a little bit more time when you use a bidet because you wash you dry it's an experience yeah and it's it's like going to the little the day spa um when you bid day the bidet

spa thank you mike and i don't think i want extra time in the outhouse i don't want to be in this 115 degree box of poop smell. You can't have an outhouse be your bathroom. You notice how often Jason's been going to the bidet spa lately? Yes, I have. Have you? Yeah. It's gone up. Yeah. He's re-pampering him. He bought a new membership and he gets unlimited

visits. Can't stop me from having a good time. I mean, you are in the middle of some kind of good time. I've never really. I mean, something. You are in the middle of some kind of game lately. You've heard him. He did not retire from the mozzarella sticks. What level of bejeweled blitz are you on? The problem to me is not the bidet or the one-ply. The problem to me is going outside.

There is that. When I get up at 1 in the morning to pee because I'm almost 40, and that's a thing now, I don't want to go outside and cross the weather of whatever's going on. If it's just a number one you're opening a window. You're just I'm not going out. I'm not walking to an

outhouse to make a number one. I'm finding the quickest route out of my house and then that's how it's happening. I feel like my wife would She'll never know yeah go to a different room crack the window i guess i could use a sink yes sure i i've definitely never done that or a tub or the shower whatever man wherever there's a drain i don't know why i mean i do know why because it's gross but the idea of peeing in a sink is anathema.

It is the most foul, unbelievable thing. There's nothing wrong with it, is what someone told me. Look, here's the thing. It's all going to the same place. We did get a picture here, Jay. I don't know if you saw it, of Al gave you what happens to how you connect to the sewer. Let me go see. All pipes lead to the sewer or to the ocean, as Finding Nemo would tell us.

But all the water that goes down a drain in your house is going to the same place. And while I think the idea of urine going in your sink, I understand mentally you're like, ooh, that's off-putting. Think how nasty your hands are. I mean, you're washing them with soap, but your hands are disgusting. Think how nasty raw chicken is that you go throw into your sink or anything like that. So you're going kitchen sink. Oh, I'm going kitchen sink. That's what I just learned.

It's a big sink. You want that disposal running. Oh, I'm going kitchen sink. That's what I just learned. It's a big sink. You want that disposal running. Oh, no. Now you got both problems fixed. No, we're not saying that. You're telling me that in the middle of a rain. Okay, here, Jason. There's a hailstorm out.

Yeah. It's blowing 70 miles an hour. There's a hailstorm. Port-A-Potty's across the yard. Yeah. You're telling me that disposal doesn't look a little more attractive? Oh, there's no way I'm going to that Port-A-Potty. Oh, no.

No way. You got to go somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you going? Under the porch. I think under the porch. In a box? Under the porch.

Look, if you're telling me there's 70 mile an hour winds, I want to see what happens. I'm going to go out there and just i mean i will be going you know away from me with the wind oh my gross but i just want to see what i can do no you don't no no one does uh i think you're a liar you can't have we cannot go back to porta potties yeah i mean this was life right the outhouse yeah it's just what the way it was and we liked it i don't think they liked it well i think they went is there a better way to do this think of what the what invention hasn't been made yet that one day you'll be like i can't believe we didn't have that yeah i mean at one point in time

the outhouse was a great invention that's right that was a huge upgrade to bucket in the corner or hole you have to dig every time there was was like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna build myself a bathroom i'm gonna give myself privacy i'm gonna have the ability to just keep going in there and it was i'll bet i'll bet they spent their time in that place. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we still do like a version of it, like a septic system. I mean, all your stuff is not going to main sewer.

It's just going out under the yard. And it's just doing its thing out there. It's just hanging out. Yeah, and just being poop. Just being poop in the world. George from Patreon, would you rather have crickets loudly chirp every time you say something you think is funny? Do we have that for us here?

No. Do we have that? I can get it. So crickets loudly chirping every time you say something you think is funny. Or a tuba. There it is. Or a tuba loudly play every time you are walking after a meal.

I think we have tuba sounds too, don't we? I could have used that one today. Now. The mozzarella walk? Yes. When you say something that you think is funny and it doesn't get a reaction that it's unfortunate it feels bad now would this also be i mean you're you're you're also then kind of telling on yourself because it's just something you think is funny and then

the crickets go off so like you could be saying something that no one thinks is a joke and you're just like yeah i thought that was real funny and then the crickets get off. So you could be saying something that no one thinks is a joke and you're just like, yeah, I thought that was real funny. And then the crickets get you. Yeah, it would be bad to have a public proclamation of every time you think what you said was funny. That's exactly what I'm saying. Because then they'll know that you thought it was funny because they might not laugh.

Right now if I say something funny and you don't laugh, I just quiet and I'm like, I thought they were going to laugh at that. No, I wasn't a joke. That was a statement. Yeah, but I would give it away. One of the problems here with this is our occupation. I mean, this would just completely ruin our podcast. The entire show would just be just you couldn't hear us anymore

because there's so many crickets. Yeah, because we're being funny. At least we think we are. That's what the statement is. Yeah, look how funny being funny. At least we think we are. That's what the statement is. Can we get the – yeah, look how funny we are. We just think we – yeah, exactly. Oh, man, that ruins the mood. That's not good.

I got a tuba. I'm taking the tuba. And the tuba's pretty funny. I think I would like it. The tuba's like, that guy ate. That guy eats. That guy eats. Yeah.

When I'm walking down the street, I want the tuba player right behind me, and I'm going to do a tuba walk, which I would imagine is I bend my knees pretty deep and kind of kick my leg out. On each tuba walk? On each tuba walk? Yeah, I think so. I will go with the tuba, Mike. What is your final answer?

What's the tuba? Do we have time for one more hour or should we move on? Let's move on. Is this real life all right we are jumping into is this real life where we share with one another a story from the actual headlines and say to ourselves man is this real life i i'm i can go first because mine's not like mine's not funny mine's just a more like a feel-good story of someone being heroic oh okay well which is always it's always fun to hear about so in michigan there was a school bus driver taking the the kiddos home and they start feeling

bad you know start getting, start feeling like, uh-oh, something's wrong. So they radio in, something's wrong with me, I'm going to pull the bus over, doing all the right stuff that they can do. As they're going to pull the bus over, they pass out. This is a school bus driver. And then 7th grader Dylan Reeves. Oh, baby.

Five rows back, throws his backpack off and he goes and he stops the bus like a boss. Wow. Let me save these children. Imagine, like, try to think back to your- The wherewithal. Your headspace as a seventh grader and you're just on the bus with your friends. Pure panic would break out when you notice that this bus is out of control. That's a runaway bus.

And then someone in the seventh grade is like, no, I've- Stay in your seats, everybody. I've trained for this. I have got this. And they go, and they stop the bus. No one gets hurt. Like this is. This is why I let my seven-year-old drive my car.

This is incredible. Honestly. Then the parents talked about it and they said, well, we've done some safe driving of just like having him in the lap, letting him drive golf cars. Oh, really? So he was trained a little bit. Golf clubs, golf carts. Yeah.

And you're like, well, yeah. I mean, that worked out. So that's an incredible story. It's even better to think that the 7-year-old was going. 7th grader. Oh, 7th grader. 7th grader. I'm sorry.

7-year-old. But they thought to themselves, I kind of know what I'm doing. Yeah, 7th grader would be 12 or 13 somewhere around there um well just take control of the of the of the scenario and they were able to successfully stop this bus that is incredible that story would have been also little i would laugh more if he's like the seventh grader took over and he crashed the bus drove it off a cliff. Jason. So, well, here's the thing. My story is pretty similar. Oh.

Florida siblings, ages 10 and 11, stopped while driving mom's car on freeway 200 miles from home. What? That was better than 200 miles an hour where I thought you were going. But 200 miles from home. What? That was better than 200 miles an hour where I thought you were going. But 200 miles from home? So where we live, we could go to Coachella. That's 200 miles away. Dude, I mean, that's... So they got good drivers. It's incredible.

Right? They're incredible children. That's what... Is one running the pedals? One running the steering wheel? I have a 10-year-old. I have a 10-year-old. I have a 10-year-old. The idea of my 10-year-old even functionally being able to drive seems impossible.

How does that even work? This 10-year-old has to be. Well, and it was the 10-year-old that was the driver. The younger sibling brother was the driver. But the story gets better. Oh, okay. brother was the driver but the story gets better okay unfortunately this car was pulled over because it had been uh reported earlier that day by the mother that her vehicle had been stolen okay and her children were missing what a terrifying terrifying moment. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course.

The police found this vehicle and came up guns a-blazin', guns out expecting that they were. It was a thief. It was a stolen car, kidnapper, and they found him and came and much to their surprise, a 10-year-old driver got out of the car 200 miles away from home. Were they running away? But it gets better. No. They were running away. The brother was driving his sister to California.

This was what he was doing. Keep in mind, this article starts, Florida siblings. Are they going to Hollywood? Are they going to California? Maybe go to another city. I feel like this should be a movie. I'm sure. I'm sure it will be. But here is what it said. The children told deputies that the girl had been upset that her mother had taken away her electronic devices for misbehaving. So they drove to california after investigation i'll show you mom they got unlimited use in california yeah after uh being interviewed by detectives they said there was no

indication that the children had been mistreated in any way shape or form this was children who had their electronics taken away, who stole their car and went 200 successful miles away, which is incredible. Wow. They could have been driving this bus. The end of the article says, the mother declined to press charges against her children. Oh, that's great news. That's great. What a nice. That's great.

You're going straight to jail. Also, the daughter will never have electronics again. Oh, yeah. That's. Or, I mean. You thought a one-week banishment was bad? It's gone. Yeah.

Cursed flesh. And you're Amish. That's you now. You are. Raise that barn. My story is my favorite one I've ever had. Oh, fantastic. In fact, I found this one back in early August, sent it over to Al,

told him to remind me about it because it just, you want to talk about a bad day. You want to talk about the worst day you could have? When you think you're just minding your own business, you're just mowing your lawn out in front of your house. Here's the headline, and then we'll get into the details because it just seems unbelievable. Texas woman injured after hawk drops snake onto her.

It is unbelievable. She's mowing her lawn. She's 64 years old, mowing her lawn, minding her own business. A hawk, which had captured a snake, was flying overhead. Whoops, dropped flying overhead. Whoops. Dropped the snake. The snake landed on the woman's arm, immediately started striking her in the face. What? It gets better.

Oh, mercy. The hawk has to come back. It wrapped around her arm and started striking her in the face. Oh, my gosh. At which point the hawk wanted to retrieve its dinner. So the hawk then comes straight out of the sky, and she says, as I was trying to sling my arm and sling the snake off, the snake wrapped around my arm.

It was striking me in the face. It struck my glasses a couple times. I was slinging and slinging, and he was striking and striking and just kept hanging on. Then she said, then the hawk appeared just as fast as the snake appeared. The hawk grabbed the snake that was wrapped around my arm and pulled on it like it was going to carry it away. And when he did, he flung my arm up, and the hawk was carrying my arm and the snake with it. The hawk struggled to remove the snake from Mrs. Jones's body, stabbing her with its talons repeatedly while attempting to snatch back its food. Did it get it?

Eventually, the snake was pulled from her arm, leaving her startled husband to drive her to the hospital. Puncture wounds, cuts, abrasion, scratches, severe bruising, face attacked by a snake. Goodness. Arm attacked by a hawk. I mean, you talk about a bad day. She describes the attack as, quote, severely traumatic, adding she thought she was going to die.

She will never mow the yard again. That teaches a valuable lesson can you imagine i mean the aunt of i don't know just having a snake dropped on you is one in a bazillion but the fact the hawk she was attacked by a snake and a hawk out of nowhere it's right in the middle you're just mowing your lawn ah snake on my on my arm. It's biting me. It's clawing me. That's insane. And undoubtedly, based on this story, she probably had asked her husband to mow the lawn, and he had said no

because she was doing it herself. Wow. And he's like, that's why I don't mow the lawn, Doris. Who was right? So, yeah, that story was incredible. All right, moving on. The Spitballers Draft. I wonder if that's one of those stories no one would believe you.

Oh, for sure. You're like, nope. How did you get these scars? Yeah, your husband is beating you, huh? Let me tell you. A snake dropped out of the sky and a hawk attacked me at the same time. Oh, if she had died from it. Oh.

I know. I know. But Jason. She didn't. If she had passed from the damages, the husband's going to jail for murder. Yes. The husband, there's no way he's not going to jail. Because the hawk is taking that snake.

Away. From her dead body body and having dinner. And then she's just left there having been attacked. Yeah. So there you go. All right. We are drafting the best sports. All right.

It is a broad. And, you know, we got the Olympics coming up. We do. A lot of sports in the Olympics. There are. They're called the Olympic sports. And you've got all the ones that you like playing, all the ones you like watching. There's a lot of ways you could go.

There are so many different ways that I could go with the first pick. But it's football. So we will now be moving on. Football. That would be F-U-T-B-O-L? American football. Oh, okay. NFL. Yes. It's be F-U-T-B-O-L? American football. Oh, okay. NFL.

It's not football. It's NFL. That's what I really grabbed. American football. Yeah. Yeah, this was the first time in the history of spitballers that I was really hoping I was the scat because the 101 is football, but now it gets interesting. Now it gets interesting.

I'm going to go with my childhood sport. It was life. It was everything. I still absolutely adore it. I love it. Someday the Phoenix Suns will get a championship. That will be when I'm 83 years old, but the National Basketball Association, basketball is a great sport. Basketball, you can argue, in my opinion, is better than football just as a sport. You can play it in your front yard easily. You can get a pickup game easily. It's widely available to be participated in. I love everything about basketball. It's also a very fun, you know, high-paced sport, fun to watch. And I prefer sports where you score about 100 rather than sports

where you score 3. You get a lot more games than you do in football, for sure. It's a good pick. I'm trying to figure out which direction I want to go here because I think I can save one of these picks for my last pick. Oh, yeah.

I dare you. Oh, yeah. Try it. I dare you. Try it on. But then I feel like I disrespect the sport by saving it for my last pick. But I know a sport both of you are stupid and don't like. Yeah.

You can get it later. I'm not going to take it here. Yeah, you can get it later. I'm not going to take it here because if you take it, then you are, I mean, you're like a scab. Maybe. You've crossed the picket line. Yeah, you've crossed the line, and I would enjoy that. So the first one I will go with is the sport that is taking the world by storm, and everybody.

I wasn't sure how high it would go. Everybody in this entire building plays it all the time. I almost took it with my last pick. I really did. I'm taking pickleball. Yeah, of course. Pickleball is the pick I am going to select, and pickleball is a wonderful game.

No sport growing faster. And then I'm going to take, actually, soccer. I'm going to take the sport of the world, which I do appreciate. And, Mike, when I was a young kid, it didn't get a lot of coverage in America until the FIFA games started coming out and MLS started getting more popular. But then you start watching Olympic soccer, and you start watching more and more coverage. And, look, I'm going to take the most popular sport in the world.

I'm going to take soccer. All right. I don't blame you there. I sport in the world. I'm going to take soccer. All right. I don't blame you there. I don't blame you. I think that's fun. That probably would have made my list. A pickleball was certainly the one that I hoped came back to me. That's what I wanted.

I had the dream of starting out with the combination of basketball and pickleball. It's the only way to fight against football. But my fight is over. Yes. But I will keep on fighting with mixed martial arts mma i've been a long time fan it would have been my next pick i figured that was that was going to be your pick yeah yeah so you know i i think that sport's grown tremendously i you know i started watching that when it was old school barely regulated nonsense

he wants the people to know he's an og yeah i'm not talking like we're talking no weight class no weight class one boxing glove one free hand just like throw everything spaghetti at the wall see what sticks okay and to answer the question uh brazilian jiu jitsu that was what stuck well I mean, it was started. Like, the whole MMA was started as a way to show the world that our jiu-jitsu is the superior fighting technique. And it was. Yeah, they were very right.

They were very smart. Yeah. Okay. Mike, you've got two selections. Do I need to take them? Because I feel like I could just put football in the polls. Maybe with our audience, but

I think you need to build this team out. Man, I really expected that MMA was going to come back to me. So going through the list, I will take it, Andy. I am not a scab because I have enjoyed baseball at many different parts of my life I had

a a portion of my life where I would literally I was I would go to sports bars just so I could watch the Minnesota Twins play baseball and Johan Santana I'll give you credit I play off baseball is still a a top tier sporting event to watch. There's just too much baseball. That is the problem and they will never fix it and so it will continue to be a great sport that is also

really boring at times. But when baseball is great, it's fantastic. I do like it. And then I'm going to take hmm. And I was trying going to take, Hmm. And I was, I was trying to very much intentionally get baseball later. Yeah.

Yeah. But Mike, at least I know I've, we've talked about baseball before he joined the bandwagon of haters. Oh, I'm, I'm on both sides. It's a good place.

It's a good place to be the fence. I was, yes, I was really happy when you took baseball because you feel like you would you took baseball because I would never have let it get back to Andy. There's just no chance I would have let him get his precious baseball. And I don't want it. So this is great news, Mike. And I'm taking golf.

Oh, no! That was my pick! That's a great pick. I'm taking golf. Golf isn't something that, like, there's there's the two parts of it there's playing it which is it's impossible i've i don't know how people actually get good at golf because i've invested a lot of hours and a lot of private lessons and i can actually i can hit a ball sometimes so it's it's pretty amazing when people actually get good at it. But playing it is great.

Just being in the outdoors with buddies, just having a good time. I'm not at the part where I expect myself to be good. I imagine that's when golf gets super frustrating, when you think you should be better but you're not. And then enjoying it on TV, it's not like any of the other sports. It's strange. It's just kind of like a relaxing background thing that you have on. It's Sunday.

You got chores around the house that you got to do. You check in every once in a while, see guys, you know, guys and gals playing in really nice weather and just beautiful scenery. So it's a unique sport, but I do like golf. That's what makes it special is that regardless of the frustration you can go and enjoy a day outside walk the course drive the course teach your kid to drive the golf cart the golf cart which we should have all be doing apparently i've got great memories it wasn't about playing golf well but just going out with my dad on the

course and enjoying a day yeah i i often say say I hate golf because, one, I think it's really boring to watch, and, two, I just can't get decent at it. I mean – I think you've tried harder than me to get good at it. I try. I've never had lessons, but, like, I had a summer where it was like, yeah, I'm going to golf. And we went out and golfed a lot.

And, you know, every seventh or eighth hit, you like i'm getting it i'm getting it every ninth or tenth hit later you're like what in the world my body doesn't do what i'm asking it to do that being said i agree with andy like i have had really fun times golfing it is actually a it's a good time to go out and and golf i enjoy it that was what i wanted my next pick to be so i'm a little sad that you took it all right i'll trade you for mma um no i'm gonna keep my fighting in house and i'm gonna stay with fighting i'm gonna get rid of most of the mixed martial arts and i'm keeping boxing. You're going boxing. People are still into that, huh?

That's exactly where I was going to go. How are the 1920s treating you? Honestly, it blows my mind. Who are the big superstar boxers right now? Mike Tyson. Vander Holyfield. You don't have to know them to like this boy.

My point was going to be, it's a YouTuber. That's who the big boxing star is. Yeah, that's true. I had one of the Pauls. It's a dying sport. It is. Because MMA is so much better. Here's what's crazy.

I agree MMA is better. I drafted it first. Yeah, people aren't interested in it anymore. What blows my mind, I can't even comprehend it, is how boxers make more money. Boxers, like when you're a champion boxer, you make more money right now than you do in MMA. The gates are larger. Like, who's watching? Are they unionized over there?

I don't know. I can tell you who's watching it. Everybody's great uncle. Right. It was huge. Uncles love boxing. It was huge. But, you know, that's another one with great uncle. Right. It was huge. Uncles love boxing. It was huge. But, you know, that's another one with great memories.

Like, I remember when Mike Tyson was in the heyday, every time he had a fight, you would be going to a party. Really? You guys did boxing parties? Oh, gosh, yeah. We don't need, we just don't have enough ear biters anymore. There's not enough drama. We need more.

That's why the YouTuber's at the tippy top. Yeah, the drama. Because it's drama. You either want to see him beat up somebody or be beaten up. So, all right. Look, I've got a very aggressive. You do. I've got MMA and boxing to go along with my basketball.

Yeah, I will take. I'm going to dunk it. I will take the last remaining major sport in America, which I am a huge fan of. I think it's one of the top sports to go to a game of boxing was drafted before it hockey i'm taking ice hockey i mean good chase jason i like now i commend the pick yeah because you have taken just you've taken the sport that you have enjoyed and you have dunked on hockey. I don't want baseball.

I don't want hockey in my life. I got time for two majors, and that's basketball. That's the funny thing about a lot of these sports is that, and I think it goes for soccer. I think it would go for baseball and for ice hockey, is if you sat down, being competitive people like you both are, and you decided today I'm going to become a huge fan of hockey it would happen overnight you'd know everybody you'd love the sport hockey we're in arizona you would think

that it's not big you'd be right it's not big down here but i love it ice hockey playoff hockey attending hockey games is outstanding playing hockey i i had a good two-year run uh growing up where i played a lot of roller hockey, a lot of roller hockey, like to the point of buying the gloves, buying the sticks, buying all the, yeah. Was this right around the Mighty Ducks time? You know, it didn't hurt. It probably was.

It wasn't just the Mighty Ducks. It was the fact that the Mighty Ducks transitioned into an Anaheim Mighty Ducks franchise for Disney. Now, Al, you were nodding. Did you play some roller hockey? Yeah, I played a lot right around the Mighty Ducks time. Yeah, because the Mighty Ducks and the popularity explosion of rollerblades. I feel like it hit at almost the exact same time,

and not everyone has ice around them, but if you don't have ice you got a street you can ride on all right and then for my final pick i'm going to go a little bit uh a little bit different i'm going to go to uh an accessibility type of thing you don't have to be tremendously skilled from the time you were born to play this sport you can do it in your own backyard in your garage you can do it with friends it's you could do it at the office it's ping pong oh come on i'm taking ping pong with the fourth pick because it's a true love i love the game of ping pong in fact i'm buying another table right now and um i love it i have a lot of

memories playing you guys are very very good dare you call it table tennis because i believe it's called table tennis yeah that's the name of the sport. It's ping pong. I mean, I get it. Table tennis is ping pong. Ping pong is table tennis. That's fine. I changed it.

To table tennis? To ping pong. Oh, okay. All right. But yeah, you guys are very good players. Yeah, I think we certainly were once upon a time. We used to play all the time. I'm sure we could.

Come over and play? I would love to. All right, best out of 100 games. Yeah, that was definitely going to be my next pick here. So I need to find another combat sport to go on my list of sports. Actually, I'm going to. You just like fighting. I just love it.

I do really enjoy fights. If I were to draft another one, it would be Muay Thai. I really like kickboxing tournaments. I've watched them a lot. But I'm going to go with an Olympic sport. I'm going to go, you know, the Olympics are coming. And I'm going to go with what I think is of all the Olympic sports, summer and winter. There's one to me that's like.

It is my favorite. Oh, I know what it is. Write it down. Okay. Because I think I'll surprise you. I've watched it the most. I think it is interesting and varied. It doesn't get boring.

They hop around a lot. It is gymnastics. I was way off. I went with swimming. I thought he was going to go swimming. Swimming is so boring to me. You just watch people swim. You just watch people swim.

So you like the fact that in gymnastics there's different events. Yeah, it's like you got the dancing routine. You don't like the different strokes in swimming? That doesn't do it for you? They're so far away you can't even tell. You're looking at 12 people from a helicopter view. Gymnastics is a great pick. Gymnastics is something that was right on the edge.

If I had not gone ping pong, that would have been interesting. I had two things written down, gymnastics and ping pong. Yep. And like every sport, you get into the nuance of it. It starts to get even more interesting. The problem with swimming is I bet if I actually worked on the different strokes, I would understand it more, but it's all just the same stuff. I'm not educated. Where I can watch gymnastics and go, oh, there's a lot of skill happening right here.

That's funny because when I watch gymnastics i do notice skill but if you told me to watch three people perform the floor exercise oh you and they all do it flawlessly some expert would be like that person's like 10 times better and i'd be like i can't tell the difference i agree with but it's a good olympic sport and and you know swimming at least you get the down to the clock that's why i like. Like there are some gymnastic routines that are much more noticeable. Like the balance beam, that one, you could see people do crazy stuff on that and be like, that is an insane human being. Or what's the pommel horse?

Oh, those are fun. Those are, you're like, ah, they landed. That's how I know they did good. Right, yeah. If they landed or didn't land. Yep, exactly. You are an expert. Yeah, all right.

So that leaves Jason with basketball, MMA, boxing, and gymnastics. I have pickleball, soccer, hockey, and ping pong. Mike, you have American football, baseball, golf. All right. There are, in my travels across the world, I have come across. I know what you're gonna do oh well i'm the there's two sports that i legitimately really really wish would catch on here because they are awesome and the one of them is much larger larger in the globe and that's the one i'm gonna go with

i'm gonna go with rugby oh that's what i I'm going to go with. I'm going to go with rugby. Oh, that's what I thought you were going to go with. Okay. So rugby is so freaking awesome. There's pretty much no exposure to it over here. But it is very much like NFL football except much faster pace. Because things don't stop. But you get big hits you get technique you get you get good i mean not forward passing but you get uh you know the back passing and then of course all the kicking and things but it's just the humans that are playing rugby these are these are super athletes do they just draft the Army straight out of the rugby leagues? Because that's what I would do.

They really should because these are thick boys. They're looking at the quads of a rugby player. It's my waist. One of their thighs is about the size of my waist. But it is such an incredible sport. So that's my draft. The other one, it's Australian football. So Aussie rules football.

If you ever get a chance to try and figure out. I thought that was rugby. Oh, no. No, they are very, very different. Aussie football is almost all kicking. And so imagine it's like passing in the NFL except you're kicking it. And then people

leaping. And there's no helmets. No, there's no helmets. And there's people leaping four feet into the air. Very frequently leaping and getting your knees onto someone's back so then you are like you're boosting yourself off of your opponent to catch a ball that's 12 feet in the air.

It is an awesome sport. All right, so rugby, and it's very popular not here. Yes, it's a bigger world sport. I wish it would catch on here. Close contention. Honorable mentions for me were skiing and snowboarding in terms of the Olympic events. I have skateboarding. Skateboarding. There you go. Another thing that's

impossible. In terms of Olympic events, I really like speed skating. Those guys go so fast. Yeah, speed skating. It's insane. It is interesting. Don't we have a Summer Olympics coming up right here? This summer? Where do you guys stand on the racing debate? The race

car? I think people will be mad at us for not taking that. right here this summer what where do you guys stand on the racing debate the race car i think people will be mad at us for not taking that i didn't i didn't want to but it's not a sport so i'm just kidding i'm just i ping pong is a sport yeah i didn't want to pander so i didn't draft like f1 or anything but nascar but the the people f1 is far more interesting to me than NASCAR is. Just because of the different courses? Yeah. And it's, I'm not dunking on NASCAR. I think there is,

when you get down to the intricacies of how it actually works and how you get good at it, I think it could be interesting then. But like, I sat down to watch whatever that F1 show was. You didn't like it? On Netflix. I just,

it wasn't, it didn't grab me right away. And I really wanted it to. me right away and i really wanted it to could we have i really wanted to get into f1 yeah that show got really popular got people into it i mean vegas is like vegas has completely rebuilt all their streets and they're like shutting down really popular sites because they got to get the road ready for the big race do you think one of us could have snuck esports in there? Ooh, I think because of the word sports,

we might have allowed it as a sport, but it is not a sport. Why is it not a sport? Because there's no physical activity involved. There's no strenuous physical exertion. Like even in ping pong. Yeah, it would be a question. Is chess a sport? Yeah.

I don't think chess is a sport i think it can be no i don't think so so well well okay well it's for esports i bet you can go and measure like i bet if you if you strapped like blood pressure and heart rate stuff onto people playing esports you're gonna see see you're you're going to see an increase of activity that that you would see in other sports as well i would not go ahead there are two leftover ones that are that are important i think to bring up one near and dear to my heart competitive eating that's awesome shout out to joey chestnut king among men And who was the second place guy? And then Kobayashi. That's the only two.

Those are the two. He doesn't do that anymore. No, he doesn't do it anymore. But I actually have a regret. There is a sport, if I could go back in time and draft over gymnastics, I would absolutely draft this over gymnastics because I think it might even be more fun to watch than gymnastics, and it is way more fun to play.

It's a super fun sport to play. It's volleyball. Volleyball is a blast. If you get out there, you're out on a beach. Scott Sterling. The definition of a sport is an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which individuals compete. I guess by definition, they are qualifying the word sports

by throwing the E in front of it. So they are kind of creating a new category when you say eSports because otherwise it would just be called sports. So you're calling it eSports because it's not a sport. Not a regular sport. Yeah, it's tough. It's a really fuzzy – because it's like golf. I know you're using your whole body, but you're not getting winded when you're playing golf.

You'll have sore muscles. Your back can get really sore and everything, but you're not. Yeah, it's not a sport. Golf's not a sport. No, golf is. Oh, no, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, golf is a sport no golf is oh no that's what i'm saying but yeah golf is a sport because you're using your it's physical activity and you have to like train and tiger woods has been hurt 25 times

if you can't pull your hamstring it ain't a sport oh that's my new rule let's test that theory yeah can you pull your hamstring in racing no not a sport agree you can 100 you can pull your hamstring sure you can yeah they're getting in the car no the g-force i mean you're like having to hit the pedal down and tense up all the time you can absolutely do now you're saying you can absolutely do that like it's like it's a truth yeah i've gone i believe someone listen in the history of racing has actually pulled their hands 100 and i'm on it and here's thing. I've gone out and done like the competitive racing, what are the go-karts? Like competitive go-karts. You do about 20 times around a track in a go-kart, whole body's sore the next day.

Whole body's sore. I did a quick search, and the first one I found was a NASCAR driver who tore his hamstring, but I read the article. He tore it playing basketball. Right. Exactly. I thought you were going to say in a crash. When you're done with a NASCAR event, you, I'm sure, are really sore.

I'm not joking. What did we learn today? I learned that you should start training your kids how to drive at about five just in case they need to help out and take over a vehicle. I learned that Mike kind of respects baseball. He took it at number two. And I learned that Andy is stuck with the imperial system and will not. Andy and Al.

Me and Al, we like our inches. That's right. Inches and inches. Just inexact measurements. That's what you're all about yeah thank you for tuning in everyone we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com