Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 261: Elevator Gaslighting & The Worst Movies - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

On today’s show, we do some bad impressions and discuss things like sonic boom farts, becoming an instant piano man, and magic sphincters. Then we finish the show off with a draft of the worst movies. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bidda bap boo boo bada boosin' sucks! Two in a row. We've got him two times in a row. Didn't know he was coming. I'm starting to think that might not be the best thing for the show.

It might not be. Yeah, seriously. Give me a heads up. Let me come in and wow our audience. I mean, nobody's listening now. They're all gone. It's the ending I liked. It may not be great for the audience, but it is spectacular for me and Andy.

Right. And let's be honest. We're here for ourselves. Yeah. Welcome into the spitballers. I don't see the people listening to the show. No, we're just sitting in this room together with Al Borland, Judge Giamatti. Would you rather, liar, liar, and we are drafting the worst movies on today's episode of the Spitballers podcast.

I can't believe I got caught. I mean, today it didn't even, I never thought about it. Forgot we're even recording this episode, and I'm sitting here to record it. Oh, and those questions about your waivers. If you think those questions I was asking you, I mean, not that I wasn't interested, but I had to come up with some, some real talking points. What an idiot. We DM down and we were like, I don't think he knows. I don't think he knows he's scatting. I'm out of here. All right.

Well, you know what? Let's answer some important questions instead, Jason. Would you rather? Joy from Patreon. Also the feeling that I get when Jason is surprised with the scat. Would you rather be able to do a perfect impression of any voice you hear or be able to play any song you hear on any instrument of your choice? I don't walk around with a bunch of instruments. So there is a frequency of ability here.

Yeah, I agree. Where it's like, right now, you could have a celebrity guest on this show right this second. Would that kind of voice stuff wear off? Not if you could do a perfect impression. No. Now his name is escaping me. The guy who does Madden. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know who it is. Now I've infected you. We can't think of his name. escaping me. The guy who does Madden. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who it is. Yeah, now I've infected you. We can't think of his name. It's Frank Caliendo. That's it. Frank Caliendo is so incredibly good at impressions, and there's just some voices, like John Madden, where I never get tired of hearing him do a bit.

And you can just say normal things in that person's voice and it's funny what a party trick what are it's more than a party trick i mean there's one guy you know name the other impressionist you love uh well let's see daryl hammond was a very good impressionist yes he was daryl you don't know who that is i do too i don't remember doing impressions of anybody but bill clinton uh he he had a few i just guys who can really stay in in character no no it's we have you want to rotate you're not like saying oh i just want james earl jones's voice for everyday life no no this is i mean in podcasting it's the it is the ultimate it maybe

it's a party trick but if you could just jump into certain celebrity voices and nail them. I guess that would be pretty fun. It would be so fun. So this begs the question, who can you do the best impression of? I can't do any. I know Andy's is Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, no, it's not Arnold Schwarzenegger. I remember it.

I remember it. And I think the people want to hear Andy's Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, no, it's not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I remember it. I remember it. And I think the people want to hear Andy's Arnold Schwarzenegger. What do I say as Arnie? Let's have you say. Get down. No, that's too easy. Get to the chopper. Let's have you say, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger,

and you're listening to the Spitballers Comedy Podcast. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you're listening to the Spitballers Podcast. That's the best I can give. Yeah. So good. You're welcome, everyone. So good.

Suddenly, I feel like I was surprised with the scat. And Mike's is Christopher Walken. How does Walken even start? There's two mice. There's two mice. That's pretty good. I cannot do impressions. And you do a good hillary right no the instrument one is is the one i want though i mean the other one's really fun

but i would get redeemed by the ability to uh play an instrument like to sit down at a piano and play any song that i want that would just be like it's a it's like a skill that brings you it's like a hobby you know what's funny is when the question was asked and i'm thinking of both of these as kind of a parlor trick like i can do this i can show this off never actually dawned on me the value of just being able to super play instruments like that'd be really nice that'd be like a hobby yeah you would sit down and like today you don't have a hobby of doing voices you do the mirror would i sit down in front of the mirror because i could already do it this isn't like like frank caliendo i'm sure he sits in front of the mirror for hours and hours and hours and has to figure out how to do this voice and but like in this question this

is i can do it already i can play the music well or i could do the impression well i doubt frank just sits at home talking like morgan having conversations once he's once he's learned it landed he's just like spinning hours they're just having have so i'm going i'm going uh al pacino yeah yeah we are good he can do al he can do al pacino in all sorts of different well it's just who are actually yeah it's just on a monopia yeah it's only it is funny how i'm on the school impressions are you you just need the the catchphrase you do you know like you could get to the chopper yeah but that's that's the difference though like it just between a good impression yeah like a good impression is someone who just starts speaking like that all right all right yeah i mean that every guy can do the mcughey all right, but to really talk like him, it's pretty funny.

And you have that slight little whistle. A little whistle. Hey, Sonny. No, I know. I'm just trying to do the whistle. Hey, Sonny. It's me, Matthew McConaughey. Instrument, final answer.

Yeah, I'm going to take instrument, final answer, because I actually forgot the value of music. Now, let me ask you this, Mike, because you can already play instruments, so is it less attractive to you? No, because I like- Any song on any instrument? Yeah, I mean, I have my instruments.

I'm not, like, I can plunk around on a piano and make it play some stuff, but I'm not accomplished at all. So if I could instantly become a maestro pianist, that would be incredible. Can I ask a genuine follow-up question to this? Especially to Mike and maybe Al. I could check out of this one. You absolutely cannot answer this

because I don't think there's any way for you to know this. Because they're musicians. Are you a musician? Heck yeah. Play the air trumpet? Give me your most musical scat. That's nice. Is it too late? To learn how to play?

If I wanted to become, like, learn to play piano at a high level, is it genuinely? Is it way too late? Like, I'm almost 40 40 i would say no the just like doing learning anything though as an adult that like when you're met with the frustration of like the initial holy crap this seems just impossible to do which is like that's the kid that's where it's different for kids and adults is like trying to like learn a new language. It's definitely not too late for you.

It's going to be way harder and far more frustrating, and you're not naive like a kid of like, oh, I can do this. But, no, it's not too late for you if you sat down and practiced and took some lessons. I'd have to work at it, huh? Yeah. Now that doesn't seem to be. But that's my point of like that.

Well, how am I going to find two hours to practice, man? That frustration is of learning a new skill. So you think it's not too late for Andy to learn. Follow up question. Can I make the NBA? Do you think it's too late for me to learn? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's the gap? Our ages? it's too late for me to learn? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's the gap? Our ages? That's a pretty big gap, I guess. All right. Noah from the website. We'd rather... What am I reading? What?

Noah. Noah. Noah. Should I be reading this question? So I don't have the doc pulled up. I guess it's fine, but I'm just making sure I'm reading the right words I don't have the doc pulled up but I am so curious now

would you rather urinate out of the tip of your finger or poop out the bottom of your foot Noah you should be reading that so would you rather go to the go number one out of the tip of your finger

or number two out of the bottom of your foot i mean this is a clear and easy and obvious answer it's a fun question yeah it's number two right what no man of course it's not number two wait you're saying the one you'd rather do is pee out the tip of your finger? I'm saying if I point my hand at you like a gun, I just go, Psst, howl. Guess who's covered in pee pee? I mean, you could. Let's just be honest. Party trick.

I mean, you can pee on people now if you wanted to. No, I cannot. No, because you can't. I'll be arrested. Yeah, you can't show that. You're not getting arrested for peeing out your finger? No, look at my finger. This is just a finger.

I mean, if it's at the bottom of your foot, if number two is the bottom of your feet, you can poop on people. What, like a roundhouse? You're just going to time it up with a good kick. You know how many times i'm leaving one in a an uber i'm like you're taking your shoes off and your socks off or you just dump it in your sock

well i'm wearing a lot of flip-flops if i have that ability i feel like i it feels like it would be really difficult and then when you're next when you would need the toilet, I mean, you wouldn't need a toilet anymore. You still want to put the poop in a toilet. That's a promise. This isn't just like, well, now that I can go out on my foot, I just want to leave it everywhere. You're still primarily putting. I mean, it would be different. Your toilet, you wouldn't need that.

But think about it this way. You could just have a hole in the ground toilet. Sure. Have a construction team come and develop you a foot toilet. He says you don't turn into a freaking animal. So in one, primarily, I realize you're really looking forward to pooping in Ubers, but primarily you are going to have to go into a stall, put your foot up on the stall, balance while you poop out of your heel.

Because everybody else is pooping normal. Yes. So you have to accommodate to their world. Right. So wait, are you just going into the urinal and just going? Yeah, you're darn right I am. I'll probably do the sink, to be honest, because it's closer. You just wash your hands.

Yeah. He's washed his hands for a long time. All right, sorry sorry what was the second thing well the point is like when you go to the bathroom you're gonna have to go a lot of yellow on his hands take your shoes off take your socks off put your shoes and socks back on every time after oh you gotta put a sock back on that thing that's i mean like on the P the tip out of your finger. You've got a P finger. But it's it's sterile. Yeah. And it's like oh there's there's a couple drops. It's fine. I get pee on my fingers now sometimes. OK. Let's be honest. It just happens sometimes.

So it's OK. And I'm fine just washing that that off but i'm not like what if you have to wash your foot get that up in the sink i mean do you do you have a butt crack on your i mean no it's just a normal heel just just a heel yeah does it open and close yeah a magic sphincter appears yeah i mean the so is it dirty oh my gosh owl in the background is just laughing because the owl has been laughing the whole entire question i'm a child um yeah that's a so wait you guys are going the finger one oh yeah it's it's honestly it's that's super convenient it's easier than current operating procedures i think you're right it's an upgrade i think you've taught me that there's not a lot of practical use for the roundhouse roundhouse kick you're on a road trip just roll the window down hold my arm out the

window i would do it i would do it why wouldn't you do it you would do it yeah and i and mike was gracious enough to put his hand facing down out the window i'm putting mine up baby i'm putting mine to the sky going. So disturbing. Thanks, Noah. You go to the top of a building? Do that now? No, you can't.

You get arrested. There's a lot of use. I got to write an article about what I do. Top 50 ways do we do we have a question from mike's dad we do it just came in there's a so this was sent into you i was sent it he submitted it through the official channel on the website so mike's dad would like to know would you rather walk behind your dad who rips a sonic boom on Main Street of Disneyland or release a silent but deadly in a crowded elevator. So this must be, this is a loaded question.

Yeah, I thought I had shared this story, but if I haven't, here it is. So as a youth, so I'm probably a tween at this point, and we're at a family vacation to Disneyland. Sounds like a good time. And it's just me and Pops. We had. What is this? Yeah, baby.

So a funny thing happened. Oh, is that the story time drop? Yeah, I just found it. Okay. Wow, baby. So a funny thing happened. Oh, is that the story time drop? Yeah, I just found it. Okay. Wow, startling. So a funny thing happened. Smooth transition. And we had separated from the family, so it's just the two of us.

We're walking back. And then he's in front of you. Yes. Or he is. No, no. We're pretty close to each other. Shoulder to shoulder. Yeah, right around there.

And I'm guessing he was going for a volume that only I could hear. You know, just like crack up your son, just ripping a little tooth ski. And it's not a little one. In fact, it is, as he described sonic boom and it's disneyland it is very crowded an entire crowd turns and looks directly at me no yes and i'm like what and then i because i'm kind of taken aback, and I look forward, and my dad has taken off. No! Well, I mean, a sonic boom is going to move you forward.

He dropped the bomb, and then. Oh, yes. He just leaves me with this crowd of people, which I can still see their faces. In your head? Yes. I know exactly where I was. I can show you on a map and they're all looking at me i'm like please tell me you said something no i just i just

walked off and i catch up to my dad who's cackling like a man oh my god so i don't know if you realize this mike this was not trying to go for us for a little toot to make his kid laugh this was premeditated he's like dude check this out rip run rip and run and then leave my son is that the move the rip and run i will be going to disneyland soon with my teens and i will use this on them oh so that's um would you rather do that or the SBD in a crowded elevator? Well, one sounds awesome. Let me ask SBD rules real quick. Okay. Silent but deadly.

Yeah. Obviously, it's you and one other person, there's a problem. It's you and two other people, there's only one of the three of you, right? There's some mystery. That's some mystery. What level, genuinely, pretend the elevator can get as big as you want. How many, where's the line where you're like completely confident letting it happen there's a sliding scale to me of where it gets past a certain number of people and it's worse because now i know i'm

infecting so many people and it's just like a disease it's just rude like i'm making 12 people so it's rude if there's more people right right right if it's like three or four people it's like okay i'm sorry but it's just three or four of you you know i'm not i'm not doing a baker's dozen here um but for me there's got to be in this launch there's got to be at least four people for plausible deniability four people yeah you feel like if it's only three people you can't keep it together enough i think if it's only three people they're gonna gaslight someone they're gaslight yeah oh that's where i came from uh i i i think based on my body size i I think if it's three people. Wait, they're guessing you?

They're going to guess me right or wrong. You think that if people are bigger, that means they fart more? Oh, you look upon yourself. If you've been in an elevator or a crowded room or whatever. Bigger butts, more farts. You smell. No, you smell a fart. And you look around at the crowd because you know you're smelling someone else's fart.

You know you didn't fart. Yeah, it's not you. You're, mentally, every time, you're picking, I think it was that dude. It's always a dude you pick. You don't look around. Yeah, you definitely pick a dude. Yeah. I'm just saying.

You pick the fat dude. There are different markers. There are different markers that say, like, it's probably that person. You're always going to say, I think i'm breathing that person's fart and you think and you're making you're saying we make an internal an internal unconscious unconscious bias towards what we perceive to be a fart yeah and i'm just saying i look like a man that would fart now wait what if there was a really really to be fair i'm a man that farts a lot it's sometimes you know there's a reason behind these things so a real sure

a really really this guy a well-dressed who did it so who's the uh like when you see people do you consider it a size thing or do you consider it a cleanliness thing like would you consider the dirtiest person in the elevator the most likely to have farted? Well, it depends on what the level of dirt looks like on them. You know what I mean? Like, if they look unhygienic. Like, if you were in an elevator, but you were wearing a nice suit. Oh, I... And there was a really different person that's wearing, like...

A suit is... It might as well be an invisibility cloak. They are not seeing me as the farter. That man's got it together. No, you're only wearing the suit top. Okay They are not seeing me as the farter. That man's got it together. Now you're only wearing the suit top. Okay, now that man is definitely the farter. The idea of you in a suit. People start sniffing

and you go, don't look at me. I'm wearing a suit. Business, business, business. Give me a break. I've got better things to do than flatulence um goodness gracious man so you think every person inherently makes a preconceived opinion about a farter yeah definitely and and it's you know sometimes it's like oftentimes when i'm in a small group and i smell one i I'm looking for the kids.

You know what I mean? Like I'll judge them kids. Do you know if one hit so hard that it couldn't have come from a small child? 100%. If it's real, real bad, you go. You're like, there's no way there's enough in there. Which man looks like he's eating the worst today? And that's where I'm guilty.

Okay, because it's like if you're eating bad, you're more likely to be. Who just had a chili cheese footlong? Which one of you in this elevator? Oh, okay, I know who. The one with the stuff on his face. The one with the chili cheese on his shirt. That person either just farted or is about to fart. That's the only two.

Let me out of here. Oh, man. Have you ever thought about being caught in an elevator? Like being stuck? Oh, yeah. You say you have a high FPD, farts per day, compared to the average person. People get stuck in elevators. I mean, it happens, and they survive, but they end up stuck in there for hours.

Sometimes you've thought people pee in the corner of the elevator. You ever heard that? I haven't, but I guess it makes sense. I mean, if you're stuck in there. If you can't hold it any longer, eventually you have to go. You have to go, but like. Imagine how nice it would be to go out the tip of your finger in that situation. You don't have to drop trow.

How did I never notice this leak? We've been in here for 30 minutes. And what you do is you just put your finger all the way in the corner like you're touching this water that's coming out from the corner. But you can't push too hard or it'll start spraying. Oh my goodness. Noah! and it'll start spraying. Sonic's been sprinkling.

Oh my goodness. Noah! You gotta write this article, Jay. There's a lot to unpack. Sonic boom from your dad. Delightful. liar liar well well well i always do that i always do that forget about the pants on fire um our team gets to try to beat al again oh gosh okay so true truths and a lie, three rounds.

Here we go. Oh, I read them. Yeah. Okay. So, the way this is going to work, Andy, is we're going to wait to hear what these lies are. Yeah, I remember how to do this. All right. Round one.

Truth or lie. Round one. Truth or lie number one. All right. Researchers have a standard unit of measurement for the speed of a rumor called the gossipon. It measures how fast information can spread

through a social network. One gossipon is equal to 145 seconds or approximately 2.5 minutes. Get out of here. That is so annoying because that should be a lie. So when it was like researchers have a standard unit of measurement for the speed of a rumor, I love that.

I think that that makes sense. I'm sure that some social scientist would need to do that. But would they really call it a gossip on like that? That's that's where I like gossip on is like roll your eyes back. Nice try. Ow. OK. That's like.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Next one. Boeing used potatoes as human substitutes when testing and developing onboard Wi-Fi. It was dubbed Project Spuds or Synthetic Personnel Using Dialect Substitution. Now, I don't know if that's true, but I do know that potatoes used to do those electricity tests with potatoes. Do you remember that?

Yeah. Either of you guys ever did that? Yeah, yeah. And then the third one, Australia is wider than the moon. Spanning an impressive width of over 2,500 miles, Australia majestically outstretches the width of the moon, making it a terrestrial marvel of size and splendor. What does that part have to do with anything?

Yeah, what is that lie all about? That last part. A terrestrial marvel of size and splendor. That seems like bad writing. What? A terrestrial marvel? What is so different? That's the lie!

Would you say that about North America? A terrestrial marvel of size and splendor? They're all continents. I can't stand by that ending. So you got the spuds one. I think that's true. You got the gossipon or the Australia one. Either Australia is way bigger than I thought or the moon's way smaller than I thought.

That's the lie for me. I'm locking it in. The Australia one? The Australia one. All right. I am going to... The Australia one kind of blows my mind. The ending of that,

the terrestrial marvel of size and splendor, absurd. So it seems like that's a lie. So I cannot select that. Nice try, Owl. I'm looking at you. The gossip on is stupid. I think that's a lie, so that's not it.

The spuds, the potato thing, that seems like it could be it. That seems like it could be true, so that is the lie. I'm going reverse psychology on myself. I'm taking the spuds as the lie. Mike, you got to lock one in. Are we splitting up? We're going to split it up. I'm going with the gossip on who's still in it mike yeah still in the game so that wait australia is wider than the moon it is is it a terrestrial marvel of size and

splendor it is wow did you write that line i need to know that of course he did i did oh my gosh i forgot it could be true and stupidly written yeah i didn't think about that i thought he would a true one would be copy pasted from someone intelligent i i over i overread owl's face because when you said you believe these when splendor when you said you believe that the Spuds one is true, I was watching. He had no reaction to that whatsoever. And I thought that was his way of not letting us know. You know that I know. I am over thinking the heck out of this.

Mike is alive. All right. All right. Round two. This is Spinal Tap is the only film on IMDb that is rated on a scale to 11. If that's a lie, that's a good lie. That makes a lot of sense. Nebraska recently ran a very successful tourism and ad campaign with the slogan Nebraska.

Honestly, it's not for everyone. If that's a lie, that's a good one. These states and their campaigns. Look, they're being honest. Honestly, it's not for everyone. And then the third one, coffee beans are not actually beans. They are a berry seed. However, early traders misclassified them due to their resemblance to legumes.

Is that how you say that word? I have never known. I thought it was legume. No, it to legumes. Is that how you say that word? I have never known. I thought it was legume. No, it's legumes. Is it? It's a hard G? Yes. I thought it was legumes.

It's not. I've never said it out loud for fear of looking stupid. I wish you had had to read that one because that would have been a great finish. Legumes. It's legumes. Legumes. Legumes. Yeah.

So neither of you knew how to say it. No. Coffee beans are not actually beans. Yes, they are. Yes, they are. Maybe. What is the definition of a bean? But it is a coffee plant.

Oh, it is a berry seed. Yeah, that's a berry seed. I've seen coffee plants. That's a berry seed. I'm helping you now, Mike. Okay. I've seen coffee plants. That's a berry seed. I'm helping you now, Mike. Okay. I've seen them grow. You crack them open.

A cacao plant. Oh, wait, that's cacao. That's chocolate. Yeah, that's chocolate. Whoops. That's chocolate. Maybe they are beans. How do beans grow?

That's what I'm saying. Are they always in pods? Beans are under... Are they underground? No, not necessarily. Not necessarily. No? There's like...

No. All beans are carrots, you see? What is a bean? That's what I'm asking. I don't know. A green bean is so different than a baked bean. Thank you. Did we get that quote?

Isolate that audio. A baked bean is just a way of preparing it. A green bean could technically be baked. You heard a little bit inside of Jason's brain right there. He said that out loud. I think the Nebraska one's a lie, final answer. That's what I think as well, final answer. I definitely was thinking of cacao. Mike, I do not know

about the coffee bean. I know me and I'm going to go with the coffee bean. One is the lie. All right. I, I'm glad, I'm glad you picked that one cause it is the lie and you are still alive. Yes. But I wrote that and made that up completely fictitiously but while you guys were discussing it i googled it and they are seeds so it's actually true oh my gosh there are two i wrote what i thought was a lie that turns out to be true so i'm glad it it's it's disqualified anyway wow so what was the actual lie supposed to be that was it oh. That's how that worked. Yeah.

Oh, man. Yeah, I had no idea. I thought I was just making up a fake. So the lie is a truth? Unintentionally, apparently, yes. So coffee beans are seeds? You sounded so convicted, so I had to Google it, and they are apparently actually seeds.

A coffee bean is a fruit. I don't know about a berry seed, but there's- From the coffee a plant. Yeah, it's a fruit from a plant. It says, though dubbed a bean coffee is far from a legume. Okay, so wait, Mike's still alive? He's still alive. Or is this an asterisk one?

Whether or not that was true or not, he's still alive. It doesn't matter because I got what he thought was the lie. Correct. All right. So the Spinal Tap one is true? And Nebraska doesn't want anybody there. That's very funny. Honestly, it's not for everyone.

Good for Nebraska. Round three. We got corn. The highest paid. That should be their motto. It's corn. The highest paid American athlete in 1973 was a hockey player who did not play in the NHL. Go play in Russia, maybe, in soviet union in 1973 go make some

money over there maybe uh number two the statue of liberty was used as a lighthouse for 16 years aiding ships entering new york harbor the torch was visible from 24 miles away that one sounds sounds correct yeah i think that's true i think it's nonsense if you were to hold this is number three if you were to hold a catfish upside down underwater it would drown the water the flow of water over their gill filaments would be disrupted impeding the essential oxygen exchange process no that has to be the lie. It doesn't... That sounds so stupid. No, because there's no... What the heck is a gill filament?

There's no gravity happening. There's not a flow of water once water is filled, right? Like, if you hold a catfish upside down or backwards, forwards, there's no flow of water guaranteed. Like, that just cannot be... No, but I mean, like, the gills

may need to be facing a certain direction, right? But I see what Jason's saying of like once the water has, once the water's in the space, it doesn't matter. Yeah, and this specifically says the flow of water over their gill filaments would be disrupted. Right, which I mean like I could imagine, I mean gravity plays a part on the, doesn't it play a part on the direction of the gills? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. But I think the Statue of Liberty one could be true.

Yeah, and I think the athlete one. The American athlete one. In 1973. I mean, the NFL was around. Of course. Baseball was around for years. In 1973, you had to have like $200 that year for being the highest paid athlete. Not quite.

Or was it someone who could play hockey, but they were also a baseball player or something? It was a hockey player who did not play in the NHL. So I'm obviously out of the running, but I'm going the catfish thing. That makes no sense to me. But it is hysterical. I guess I'll go the athlete one, but I don't the catfish thing. That makes no sense to me. But it is hysterical. I guess I'll go the athlete one, but I don't have a strong conviction. Mike, you have a chance to win. But it's only a one in three chance, and we're dumb.

Yeah. Those are both true. I'm going to go with the catfish one. Did we do it? Final answer? Yep. Did we do it? Yeah!

We did it! Gil filaments my booty. I'm the smartest man alive. Yes, you are. You're so handsome, Mike. Wow. Gil filaments. Jay, your logic.

There's no such thing as Gil filaments, right? I have no idea. Yeah, that's like part of a light bulb. Really? We both deserve a little. How would it not be a gilliment? Oh, good point. We both deserve a little bit of credit here.

Really? Because, yeah, you were so confident that it was not a bean, even though you were wrong at the moment and thought it was chocolate. Right. And then the flow of water. All right. We did it. Okay. So we've, is that two? We are at two wins now that is two all the time yeah two congratulations and

how many two in like 20 23 so when we when we beat you the first time didn't all three of us beat you together yeah because we like is that what happened i don't remember we we all got three no no we all three of us made it to round three so i think we oh that's right just so you each took a different answer to make sure we want we split it up this is good for us yeah of course this is a real win oh okay i like the sound of The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the worst movies on today's episode of the show. And I believe we all followed at least one basic principle in this, which is that we had to have seen the movie.

Yeah, we have to hate it. Did any of us put anything in our lists that we haven't seen? I've seen all of them. Okay, so we are selecting movies that we literally, we watched and we had an unpleasant time for one reason or the other, or thought that the movie was so bad. And so that is what this list is. I know that there's a lot of those, you know, the top lists out there where they'll put the Hands of Fate or whatever that movie is.

And I've always heard that one is one of them. Hands of Fate? Yeah. I don't even know what that is. Yeah, I saw a bunch of movies on the list that I hadn't seen, but it makes sense, right? If a movie is really- Yeah, Manos' Hands of Fate was considered this cult-hated movie,

number one worst movie ever. Yeah, I mean, if a movie is truly- 1966. Really, really bad, it's probably not going to get watched as often. But these were movies that I think, at least in mine, everyone I went to, I wanted it to be good. And I left thinking that's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Yeah, that makes sense. So I kicked this off since I had the stupid scat today.

since I had the stupid scat today. This is, to me, in our age range, this is the originator of horrific movies. This was so bad. It was supposed to be big. It was supposed to be a blockbuster. It was so bad that it just became the biggest joke movie of all time. And it's a little older, so i don't know you know

i think i know what you're saying but i don't i don't it was also the beginning of the end of a very successful career is it a pirate movie it is not a pirate movie okay uh unless it's like space pirates i don't remember the plot very well because we're talking about Battlefield Earth with John Travolta. Yeah, yeah, okay. And, oh my gosh. I never saw it. Oh, congratulations. I was lucky enough to see the reviews and not watch it. It was the worst acted. Yeah, yeah.

The worst acted, worst story, worst special. It was like, what happened? This was in a time where John Travolta was a superstar this was like the face-off time period yeah I think just after that and um mercy mercy it was it was like so cringe watching Travolta play this role that you couldn't watch it you you were you wanted a turtle shirt and hide from how bad this movie was. And it's now known as one of the worst of all time. As well.

It's not just our experience. It's now heralded. There are movies on my list where a lot of people love. And I think they're just terrible, worst movie of all time. This one's objective. It's not an opinion. This is objectively trash.

My worst movie, and there's a lot of reasons why a movie can be bad. I was telling Jason before the show, like, for me, a lot of movies are movies that I wished were over and kept going. So they're too long. And you keep thinking this is not good. And I have to keep watching. Please be the end. But this movie, this movie was was too long because i don't know 10 minutes was too long and one of the reasons it's on my list of my least favorite movies

is because of the hype i have towards the movies this director had made before but i am selecting the happening, that's a good choice. By M. Night, because the wind really isn't much of an enemy. And the wind, the wind and the disruption of the bees and this, you know, he made all these movies that I liked. Sixth Sense and The Village and Unbreakable. Signs and Unbreakable. And I loved them. and here was the happening and it was like he out thought himself and the happening was supposed to be the comeback

right yeah i think the public had turned on him it was uh well because the lady in the water right which was another movie you could probably put into that contention but the happening was ironic because nothing happened it was called the happening and nothing happened that you cared about. It was horrible. There was no good twist. Nothing was good about it. Say hi to your mother for me. Say hi to your mother for me.

Yeah. You know, it was interesting. Did you guys see it? Yes, I did. I saw that in the theater. It was M Night. And was very disappointed with it. was very disappointed with it and that i thought about this just the other day probably because uh so netflix had released a new bird box movie i don't know if people saw that it was pretty

saw the first bird box not the second and then i realized i'm like dude bird box and the happening are like the exact same plot really really? Really. Yeah, because Bird Box was good. They can't see in the happening? Well, no. You have to cover your eyes in Bird Box because just the minute you see it, you're infected. And the happening was as soon as it's around you, you have, it's pretty much like, well, if you see it

or if you're experiencing it, it takes over and then you inflict harm upon yourself, which is the exact same thing that happens at bird box interesting but in bird box it was like well no these are like some monsters and we're like yeah cool i'm cool with that but then the happening was no it's the trees man and so then it was well that's so stupid that that really is that is a good gap though yeah one is super boring. Give me a monster.

But it's funny to me. But you never see the monster in Bird Box. It's funny to me. Once you're infected, you do something bad to yourself, and you don't want to see it or be around. It's very, very similar. You got two picks. I got two picks.

I went a couple different directions with this one but this first one is when you become a parent you have to endure oh a lot of kids movies and so when you find good ones it's always just like like yes and you tell all you tell your friends like kids movie it's great go watch. And then there's things like the Emoji Movie. Oh, my gosh. Which, holy crap, that thing is so bad. That's just like. Can I tell you something?

Please do. That I'm very embarrassed to say. Oh. Oh, do you like the Emoji Movie? Do you like the Emoji Movie? So the talk had been around about how bad the emoji movie was. Okay. But it's like for kids, they don't care.

Oh, yeah. So my daughter was like, I want to rent something. And it's like, okay, we'll do the emoji movie. I doubt we actually paid for it. It was probably part of it's on one of the streamers. Right. And I ended up like tuning in for a decent amount while I'm walking around. don't think it was that bad i thought it was kind of all right it's the meh face is just oh yeah yeah no i know i know and i felt really embarrassed to have thought it was tolerable

i have a kid's movie on my list that i'm i'm sure i will draft at some point that i'm guessing neither of you saw if either of you did there's not one human alive that would ever say I thought it was okay okay but I'm looking forward to it I just it was that was one of those kids movies where it's on and you you wish you were tired so you could fall asleep oh yeah just like please just be over I can't I cannot watch this anymore all right so the emoji movie is your first pick and your second yeah so the second one uh this it of two of these well at least well if i get the other one but this brings me no pleasure to say that this was one of the worst movies that I've ever seen because I, Stan, and Cape, I love Marvel movies. I love them.

I love superhero movies. Ant-Man and the Wasp, Quantumania, is a steaming turd. And it was one of the, I've, sometimes to watch movies, I'm doing it while I'm falling asleep. And I can only do like chunks at a time. I'm doing it while I'm falling asleep, and I can only do chunks at a time. And the fact that I had to go back to this movie to finish it was demoralizing. Because you wanted to be – Because I just – To have the whole pantheon of –

Yes. Yes. Maybe there's some small things in here, but it's so bad. It's green screen the whole time, which I understand you're in the quantum realm or whatever. The fact that they're fighting the new big bad, like basically

the new Thanos, and they like defeat him, and the dialogue, some of these exchanges between his daughter and MODOK, just... Who greenlit these things? The Ant-Man and the Watch. Dude, the Quantumania one, and it was... Terrible. daughter and modok just who who greenlit these things and the watch dude the quantum mania one and it was terrible oh my gosh it was so freaking bad it's so bad all right my second pick i'm going

to the year 2001 okay i'm going to a movie that took three hours and four minutes of my life that i will never get back i'm going going to a movie starring some peripheral characters like Josh Hartnett and Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh, I know it. I saw it. Did you? Oh, yeah.

And was it as bad? It was Ben Affleck, right? Ben Affleck. Yeah, this movie was terrible. Pearl Harbor. Oh, yeah. I have never been in a movie I wanted to end more

that kept going. That was super long, right? So long. Over three hours of pain. I wanted to end more that kept going. That was super long, right? So long. Over three hours of pain. I mean, look, the idea of going and seeing a fun war movie, historical piece, tons of big actors at the time, Kate Beckinsale and Alec Baldwin was in it. This was real bad, real bad and so pearl harbor has always had a place in my in my mind as the worst movie i saw that in the theater and that was back in the day when

you had to show up early because it was there was no assigned seating oh gosh and it was a it was a summer blockbuster you had to be there way earlier you're gonna have absolutely terrible seats so i mean that was like a when you put in the length of the movie that's a four to five hour experience i am happy to report that i either did not see it or do not remember seeing it the idea of like making each of us watch one of the movies on the other people's lists as a punishment someday. Pearl Harbor. Don't see it. No, it was rough. All right, am I up? Yeah, you are.

You get two. I get two. Speaking of two, I'm going to go with a sequel. I'm going to go with, well, kind of a sequel. There was a movie. Oh, no. That was one of my all-time favorites. Oh, no.

All time. Dang it. And they needed it so bad, they they're like we've got to make money off of sequel oh no but i don't think they could get the actors joe dirt too no that was great oh no i know what movie and what i mean you you don't remember it because it's deleted from everyone's memory this doesn't exist in fact they kind of like almost undid it it was so horrifically bad terrible it ruined for a moment in time one of the greatest movies of all time dumb and dumb oh yeah yeah when harry met lloyd i never saw that i was dead wrong i did not know that was what you were picking the prequel it's not

even jim carrey oh that's not the one where they came back and did no which was also awful yeah don't see that that's bad too oh yes because it was too long i mean like two decades too long and um but i i mean this this prequel was two different actors shameful oh yeah i mean two different actors it was them as younger kids. Wasn't funny. You can't make a sequel to a Jim Carrey movie without Jim Carrey and be like, oh, people will be fine. No. What are you talking?

Like, he is the movie. Oh, it's disgusting. Yeah, that's a good pick. Shame on you. You're like, but the characters are just so good. Right. It was the characters that really did it. Give me a break, you producers.

All right. So now I feel obligated to take the movie I talked about earlier, so I'm going to. Because objectively, it is the worst movie I've ever seen. The worst one by so large a gap that Battlefield Earth is Oscar worthy. So large a gap that Battlefield Earth is Oscar worthy. I will imagine that most people have not seen this because you had to have a child in just the right sliver of rage. I know you were bored just the week where it was in the movie theaters. Starring Kevin Spacey.

Nine Lives is the name of this movie. I remember you talking about this. Oh my gosh gosh i had to see it in the theater in the theater it was like this is the cat movie it's a cat movie oh baby oh my nine oh christopher walken's in it mike yeah oh you're you're two mice two mice. There's two mice. One cat. Nine lives. But I just can't even. What happened to your chair? My foot keeps hitting the go down button. Your foot? Yeah. Your foot or your leg?

My foot. My heel of my foot. How are you sitting? He's curled under himself. He's curled under himself. Do you know how chairs work? We're fine. But I'm telling you.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let's go ahead and the summer's perfect comedy for the whole family i need to hear this in theaters august 5th uh tom brand who's played by kevin spacey is a daredevil billionaire at the top of a daredevil at the top of his game a daredevil billionaire a daredevil billionaire doing like evil kenevil jumps well now if you can think of a daredevil billionaire, that's got to be Kevin Spacey. A stuffy businessman finds himself trapped inside the body of his family's cat.

Yeah. Yeah, so Kevin Spacey becomes in the body of the cat. Does he talk? If you think I haven't deleted most of this movie from my memory. Sorry. It has a tomato meter of 14, and I don't know how. I mean, apparently they let children vote on these things. Now, is that the critics or the...

Yeah, that's one out of 10. All right, so you have Battlefield Earth, Dumb and Dumberer, and Nine Lives. I have The Happening in Pearl Harbor, and my third pick, which I genuinely thought everything you said, they need a sequel. They couldn't get all the actors. It's on my list. They had to capture the money. They decided to write the worst script I've ever seen in my life.

It almost ruins the franchise, at least for a while. For sure. I left the theater saying, what on earth were they thinking? Yeah. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull that was the next top one on my list i mean this was look spoiler alert they brought this weird alien civilization into the back part of the movie um brooks i hear you laughing do you remember that movie i tried to forget but oh my. It made me hate what they did because it's part of the franchise now.

And no, it's not. I mean, it doesn't have to be. I like it as a trilogy. And this just didn't exist. It doesn't exist. And that's the that's the reason I didn't take it is because I think universally everyone knows this never happened. Yeah. All right.

So that's what I'm going with. Mike, you're back on the clock for your final two picks. All right. So for the first pick, let me get back to my list here. The first pick, this is where I'm just going to go ahead and I'm going to agree with everyone at the time. But Will Smith was a superstar actor. Oh.

I mean, he's still pretty much a superstar. He's had a lot of whiffs now. But this was the first. The beginning of the whiffs? The first big one. And it was supposed to be the movie this summer, but it was Wild Wild West remake. And it is.

It's so enjoyable. I love it. This is one where Jason likes the movie. I really did enjoy it. I mean, it was not a good cinematic masterpiece, but it was just a fun, silly flick. It was. I stand alone here. Yes.

No, you don't. Oh, Al liked it. Brooks, did you see it? What did you think? Wild Wild West? It's been a long time. I don't know. The winner of five Razzies.

The best thing to come out of that was the song. Maybe that's why I enjoyed it. And that's funny. You can go ahead. You can like the song. Isn't Sisko in that song? I don't know. He's the one who sings the hook.

Wow. Yeah, that was a crappy movie. Yes, it is very, very bad. And now for the movie where I'm sure that everyone else will disagree with me, but it is preposterous. It is the telling of a real person who is not actually a good person, but then they try and make them seem like they're a good person. Oh, don't do this.

Stop it right now. Don't do it. And it's a musical. No, don't do it. This movie is great. It's a musical, and the songs are awesome. The songs are catchy, super generic pop songs that they could have grabbed out of a hat that have nothing to do with anything of the movie.

They've brought me to tears before. Their music is great. The Greatest Showman is horse crap. It is so ridiculous, preposterous. The plot holes just, like, I a 30 minutes, 30 minute breakdown of why the greatest showman is one of the worst movies ever made. Wow. I have seen that movie 10 times and I'm watching it tonight out of respect for its masterful production. Have you seen it judge? No. Okay. Al, you're leaving. You're quitting?

Yeah, I just quit my job. I love that movie. I can't work for a man without an opinion. You love that movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. The music is awesome. The message is good. Yeah, I mean, wow.

All right. Well, look, we knew that Mike hated that movie. We knew it. Look, we've got people. You know you can get him back. Yeah, well, that's fine. The whole thing is, no, I have these people that I exploit for money, and they are the outcasts.

So you have the bearded lady. But then we have Zendaya, who's a freak because she could do acrobatics? You need to watch the movie again. You don't understand it. I've seen it twice. I gave it its second shot. Did you really? And I went, oh, yeah, this is just as bad as I remember.

Man, I like that movie. Oh, it gets better every time. It's an abomination. I'm going to go, look, in trying to keep informed with the final pick being a movie that a bunch of people liked, but I thought was garbage. That's what I want to pick, too. Okay. So Mike went with The Greatest Showman which I think other than Mike people

liked yeah the movie I'm going with I think won best picture and is this like when you thought Jurassic Park this is like this is like a movie that legitimately won Oscars lots of them okay I thought it was the most boring, terrible.

Can I guess? Just waste of my time. That simultaneously blew my eardrums out. Oh, you're going. It's Dunkirk, which I call dumb Kirk because it was awful. How'd you come up with that name? It's a play on the name of the movie. But listen, pretty clever guys.

Anybody can watch a bunch of people stand on the sand for three hours. Well, explosions go off in distant areas. This movie was heralded as it is supposed to be. This was a Christopher Nolan. Yeah. supposed to be. This was Christopher Nolan. Yeah. Good golly, don't watch that movie. I've never seen it. I thought you were going to go English Patient.

Right. No, I have not seen that movie. I have not seen. So it was. Dunkirk was over three hours. It was a nominee for best motion picture. It did not win. It won a ton of awards.

It won. It probably won the Golden Globe or something. It won in best achievement in sound editing and best achievement in film won Best Achievement in Sound Editing and Best Achievement in Film Editing. I'm going to break news to you right now. I am shocked at something. At the length of the movie? At the length of the movie. Is it under three hours?

The movie is an hour and 46 minutes. You have talked about how long this movie is for years. It says everything I needed to say. The fact the movie's an hour and even two hours the fact it's an hour and 46 minutes and I legit thought I was there for over three hours tells you how

miserable I was. I cannot believe this because one thing that I know for a fact about Dunkirk. It's one hour and 46 minutes. One thing I know for a fact about Dunkirk. It's one hour and 46 minutes. One thing I know for a fact about Dunkirk, having never seen it myself, is that it's three and a half hours. Yes. I only know that because of how many times I've heard Andy say that over the course of however long since Dunkirk has been out.

My mind is blown. You could watch this tonight, Jay. You could watch this within the next two hours. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I'm sorry. That's one that people like, but I thought was garbage. Now, Brooks, did you see it? Yeah, and I'm with you, and I love Dark Knight, Inception, Interstellar.

It was really disappointing. And how long did it feel to you? I'm as shocked as you are. Yeah, all right. All right. Dunkirk has an audience score of 81% who liked it. Those are people. 81% of people feel like they have to like that movie

for people to think that they're respectable. 86% enjoyed The Greatest Showman. Eat it, Mike. That was the audience score? Yeah. What's the tomato score? 56%. All right, so weird.

I mean, it's been a while since I've been in a math class, but I'm pretty sure that's called an F. I don't know, man. I don't know. We have no way to tell him. All right. I'm up. Uh huh. Okay.

For my final pick, we're going in the theme of movies that are supposed to be great, that are super overrated, not good. of movies that are supposed to be great that are super overrated not good um and while i think andy and mike both expect me to take the super boring blade runner that mike loves which is awful are you talking about 89 and 91 percent no no no no no i'm talking about the% tomato positive critical score and the 90% audience score. Ooh. Here comes a hot take. Literally rated as the best number one movie of all time. Citizen Kane is not good. Citizen Kane sucks.

The movie is not a fun, good movie. the story is not something special there's nothing here's what's special about citizen kane the credits come and there's like three dudes on it it's like wow wow three guys put this movie together fantastic work guys you made a movie a whole movie this is supposed to be the greatest movie of all time. You have said this for years. Yeah. Now, I have been lucky enough not to have watched it. Oh, man.

I guess. Now, 1941 might have had something to do with you not liking it. I'm sure I'm a little ageist here towards movies made in the 40s. That are black and white. Yeah. Trash. Just a pile of dog dung all right did you guys have any honorable mentions you want to throw out real quick

i was before you took um kingdom of the crystal skull i was very prepared to besmirch temple of doom maybe that series isn't as good as we thought. Oh, it definitely isn't. No, it's not. The first and second movies are not that good. It's just Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's really one movie that holds it up. Raiders is actually, it's good.

It's not as- Raiders is good and the end is great. I would say the last 30 minutes. In the opening. Yeah. With the boulder and everything. Last Crusade is a perfect movie. Oh, sorry.

I was thinking Last Crusade. Oh, no. Last Crusade is a perfect movie. Yeah. But Temple of Doom is horrifically bad. Honestly, it gave me nightmares too. Yeah. That was part of it.

But I'm saying it's so bizarre because Indiana Jones is one of my favorite characters. Still is one of my favorite characters, but the majority of the movies in the franchise are actually not very good. A couple that came to mind, I remember when AI, Artificial Intelligence, came out with Haley Joel Osment. That movie sucked. I also had Ad Astra with Brad Pitt. Did any of you see that?

Yes, I did see that. That was hot trash. Yeah, had Ad Astra with Brad Pitt. Did any of you see that? Yes, I did see that. That was hot trash. Yeah, that was not good. No, and then I, too, find Blade Runner boring. Yeah, that's because Blade Runner is super boring. My only one left on my list. You're agreeing with the museum guy over here. I'm not feeling great about that.

I didn't draft it because I had nine lives, and that was too many cats to put on but cats did you you saw cats so because my kids were in the musical cats we had a run of cats and was it it was that bad well i mean cats is that bad like the story like you can't make it into a good movie right because the story is stupid the music is bad cats is just cats is bad it just gets grandfathered into the present as like you're supposed to like it as a classic it's the citizen kane of musicals it's like oh no it's a classic it's so important to the history shut up it's bad why why did it happen is that because like we were coming out of the

like musicals are like oklahoma yeah i think i think we were my lady of the musicals, like Oklahoma. Yeah, I think we were starved for a single song that's like... Cats was sort of different. Yeah. Memory. Batman and Robin was brought up by... Oh. That movie was bad.

That movie ruined superhero movies for about a decade. Yeah, that was a bad movie. That was a bad... Now, that one, that did have Jim Carrey no that's Batman Forever oh that one was good that was on the way down it was salvageable

because of Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey any others that's all I got right now what did we learn today? Oh, man. I learned that, and thanks to you two, that pooping out your foot is not as useful as I thought it would be originally. Yeah, and conversely, I learned how incredibly cool and valuable, productive, and how much I need to write about the value of being able to urinate out of your

point for my new novel yeah uh australia is wider than the moon that's i didn't know that's just not that's not real did you know and it doesn't have that much splendor that it's majestic yeah goodbye marvel of size and splendor Goodbye. Marvel of size and splendor.