Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 263: Bit Part Millionaires & A Garden Center Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

On today’s show, we talk about being a bit-part actor, having the best looking holiday displays, and remembering people's names. We also dole out some marital advice to a few conflicted couples. We finish things off with a draft of garden center items for a fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I like this. Ballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ra-da-ta-ta-ta-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-boom. I like this. Okay.

All right. I'll take it. Oh, man. Look at the pantheon of options. That one's – I'll take it. Usually the end is just so hard to land. I felt like you went strong. It felt like a bit of a punch in the face. You didn't hide.

You didn't shy away. Well, thank you. Didn't lose any volume. Didn't lose any gusto. I knew. Maybe too much gusto. I knew I would roll the R, and then it was just. What happens?

Please make a sound. Just do something. Make a sound. Please make a sound. Just do something. Make a sound. This is the 263rd time that we've been called buffoons in that intro. For real? And it's really starting to make an impact.

We've done that many shows? That's how many shows we've done, yeah. Man, we are hard workers. I don't just laugh at that. That is so insulting. That's what people say when they listen to this podcast i just wonder those guys work they work hard so hard did you hear that episode how hard they worked i just wondered if it was starting to make an impact on your self-esteem getting called a buffoon 263 different times i've heard it zero times i'd say the i hear it sometimes but

on the day that you have the scat i don't hear any of that you just hear the voice in your head don't mess up don't mess up don't mess up make a sound make a sound al borland is here what's up speaking of hard workers. Yeah. He does way more work than we do on this show. Yeah. It's not the same quality of work that we do. He's still super lazy.

But he does more quantity-wise. He's quantity over quality. Yeah, he is. He's a real quantifier. Yeah. Welcome in. Well, would you rather life advice? Ooh.

It's been a while since we dished out so much wisdom for folks. And we're really going to help people. As always. And then we are doing another Battle Royale. We are strolling through a garden center of a store. You know what I didn't realize until preparing for this draft was that a garden center is where you want to go if you're looking for items for a battle royale. There are a lot, yes. And this is the first time I've got a little strategy going on with knowing that I'm the back-to-back pick situation in this draft.

Now, you guys could undermine it, but when we get there. You got some combos you're trying to put together. Yeah, you know, sometimes there's those video games where, like, you know know two things work together to be more powerful and i yeah maybe i shouldn't have said any of that that was a mistake it's i don't know what you're trying to do okay good well let's start here would you rather dk from patreon says would you rather have a bit part In five movies per year Or play the lead in one Blockbuster hit that is Loved by all but

Never be able to act Again oh man that's It's a great question that is a very Good I need a clarifier Okay what how do you Define bit part am I A bit parts's like a... Do I have lines?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So am I like some movie and then they come into the hospital and I'm the doctor that just says a few things and then I walk out? Well, you've got a scene or two. But that's like a cameo. To me, a bit part is... Five lines?

Is like... Okay, let me ask. Jason, you're familiar with Mr. Deeds, the Adam Sandler movie? I am not. Any other questions? Okay, well just, like, Adam Sandler movies frequently have a bit part where...

Which one are you trying to talk about from that movie? The Butler. Okay, yes. I know that movie. John Totoro, I think. If that's a bit part, I want five of those a year. Because his whole thing is it's the same joke basically over and over. But, I mean, it kills. It's a really funny joke for the movie.

But he's kind of sprinkled throughout. So I didn't know if that was too much. John Turturro. I don't know if it's too much that he would be called a supporting character as opposed to like. I think that might be too much. That's too much. John Turturro. Yeah. I don't know if it's too much that he would be called a supporting character as opposed to like- I think that might be too much. That's too much?

Yeah. I'll say it's too much. Okay. What about in- Because when you look at the cast, he's listed basically third. Okay. So then let's go Waterboy. Okay.

I've seen that one. The Rob Schneider. You can do it. That's a bit part. Now, is that a bit part or is that just a cameo? That's a bit part. He just says no more than about five lines of dialogue. Yeah, this says a bit part is a role in which the principal actor has no more than five lines of dialogue.

There you go. Wow. I guessed five. Wow. That's incredible. Okay, so basically you get 25 lines a year because you get five bit parts. I'm doing that one. You want to know why? I'm at five red carp lines a year because you get five bit parts. I'm doing that one. You don't know why?

I'm at five red carpets a year. I'm in five credits a year. I'm living the life of an actor with very little responsibility. Very little money. That's got to be like one day of shooting. Is it very little money? Yeah. Five lines in five movies?

I'm making enough money you're making i don't know if you're making it's not your full-time job yes it is five bit parts nope oh i'm i'm a famous bit part actor okay so you're just saying your rate for bit parts is pretty high you're telling me uh who's the guy from water boy that you rob schneider rob schneider you're telling me that he's a that- He's a famous celebrity. Okay, but as a famous celebrity, you get a bit part. You get paid way more, right? Yes, absolutely.

You're just saying you're going to be a famous- Because it's part cameo then. It is part cameo. Yes. So what are you getting? Like 10K? I'm pulling home a few hundred Gs. A few hundred per part?

Not per part, the five. All right. In totality, I think I'm pulling home a few hundred Gs. A few hundred per part? Not per part, the five. In totality, I think I'm pulling home probably $300,000 to $500,000 a year. I think if you have five lines in a movie, I don't think you're getting $10,000. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I don't think you're getting $10,000. Really? I think you're getting $10,000. I mean, look.

Why are people wanting to be in movies? Oh, for the red gosh. Yeah, I don't think you're going to. I think you're going to. I mean, look. Why are people wanting to be in movies? Oh, for the red carpet. Yeah, for those auxiliary beds. I'm not even going to be able to afford the Uber to the red carpet on your salary. Yeah, so now the other side, you are Forrest Gump or you are ace ventura see the way i'm looking at it is i need it to be like a gigantic hit in that would that would be in like the sci-fi arena or somewhere oh you want the conference i want to go i want to live the comic con yeah like signing autographs and meeting people that is probably dress up like you. Yep, and that is one part

for the rest of your life. If you're in a... Oh, crap. Yeah, no, you're right here. You're good to go on those. That actually... I mean, if you really think about it, I know that like...

Firefly? Is that the name of a... Yeah. Yeah, so like the cast from Firefly, they can go... I know it was a show and then a movie, but they could just go do Comic-Cons for the rest of their life and make enough money.

When you look at the movies, and I know he's made a ton and done TV shows and stuff, but realistically, Michael J. Fox. Right. Your one iconic character that you're known for forever. Yeah. I mean, if you say Teen Wolf, you're not talking about the hit of there's not i mean if you say teen wolf you're not talking about the the hit of the career like it's one great one or aragorn from lord of the rings yeah if you had done that role i know vigo's done other stuff but it's like that role if you did

that and that was all you ever did yes or you were gandalf and that's all you ever did you could go to the comic cons forever forever forever i'm. Forever. I'm switching. Charge for your autograph. Now, do you... The SAG day rate is 1,000 minimum, 3,700 for the week. That's the minimum rate. Okay. So maybe you're pulling in... I think I'm pulling in more money.

Wait, wait, wait. You just saw... That's the minimum. Yeah, that's the minimum. Yeah. What do you think that the people paying are going to want to shell out here? The maximum? Like, they're trying to... you're a bit part man no but you stack bit parts up and all of a sudden your agents go into

these movies and you're the desirable bit part actor they're not looking at you like the bare bone sag bottom okay so five bottom let's say five grand five grand that's only 25 grand a year exactly my point a lot more than that no that's the sag minimal for an extra i make the movie that's an extra right as long as they're part of saying well of course you have to have a i think you'd have to have a speaking role yeah um all right i was i'm figuring i'm bringing home at least 25k a movie so they don't pay 25 000 for someone to say yes they do you see these budgets or five lines i mean if i had a bit part in water world i'd be rich going back to the comic con do you get like do you look at that with with envy kind of the way where i'm talking about it or is it do you feel like that's

a an unfortunate life where it would get old where you i mean if you're doing comic-con life and you're known for saying a phrase or like you're doing that phrase never give up yes never surrender you're doing that for everybody never give up never surrender that's amazing you had that if you if you were that character with that name, like that's your only role, you're on the street. That's what you're called. Uh-huh. You're Marty McFly.

You're not Michael J. Flags. You don't get privacy. If you're like a super revered part in a famous movie that everybody knows. Is there one that we can think of that is like this? Well, there's. Like one. Where it was a one-hit wonder and they one-hit wonder a one-hit wonder lead you know i i the one i would think of like i don't know who's the guy who plays william reicher from star trek oh we always have to

look his name i never know yeah exactly you know what you'd call him if you saw him on the street reicher you'd be like number one it's jonathan freaks jonathan freaks so you never like you see that person he never did anything now that was a tv show i know but it's like put it in the same scope never happened what about what about if you were wharf because do people recognize him on the street uh yeah because he dresses up every day to make sure people know i'm the klingon that you know question when you are that character if you're wharf and you go are you signing wharf yes of course you sign oh reicher no you sign your name right you sign what people ask you to sign but then you probably have to put wharf in the quotes because they don't know. So this is the Worf.

I think I know Worf. What a name. Now I'm saying it so many times. Worf. It's kind of like the sound a dog makes when it's going to vomit. Worf. Get over here, Worf. Come here, Worf.

Go on. I think I'm going with the five movies per year. At $1,000 each. Because, yeah, look, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this for the love of the game. I love, it is fun to be on set. And five movies a year, that means you're with different casts, maybe sometimes the same maybe different different movies different

roles you know you play that one iconic role I think you even if you've got that comic-con life I I think you're going to really get annoyed by it just you know it's like it's possible yeah I don't think you're going to enjoy it's the same thing over and over and over and it might be really cool year one year i him yeah you're just gonna be like this well you don't have to do them every year well sure but i'm just saying like i've got three good examples now oh okay all right uh ralph macchio was the karate kid and nothing else mark hamill i know it's a bunch of movies but if you think about it yeah yeah that was the one he's luke skywalker and that's it he'sill, I know it's a bunch of movies, but if you think about it, he's Luke Skywalker, and that's it.

He's never done anything. Well, he's also the Joker. He's the Joker's voice in a cartoon. Mike, stop. No, but I'm saying... That's not a feature film. But I'm saying, that was a part that you could Comic-Con. Like, if he was only the Joker?

And Macaulay Culkin. Ooh, okay. Macaulay Culkin was 100% a one-hit wonder. Good kid or whatever? Oh, the good son. The good son. Oh, gosh, yeah. What a movie.

I don't know. Now, if I was Macaulay Culkin, that's the nightmare because that was childhood actor one-hit wonder, and the rest of your life you're trying to just be anything but the Home Alone kid. Like Sixth Sense Kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, kid. Haley Joel. Joel Osmond. He's done some other.

Of course, they continue being an actor. But I'd rather be Mark Hamill than I would do five bit parts a year. Yes. Because that was so high of a high esteem. Well, that's the point of this question. That is the point, though, right? It is a blockbuster hit loved by all. And you're the lead yeah this is that's mark you're you're mark hamill you are yeah i'm taking that okay i'm taking i'm i'm shocked at myself that i'm gonna take the five

movies but i i i really want the experience of of being on set i have i i agree with that that would be fun i just thought like mike's saying you can do the Comic-Con. You're signing autographs, right? Mm-hmm. When you are somebody like that, your autograph memorabilia is worth money, right? Oh, yeah. Sort of, yeah.

So then, like, you can just sign your own stuff and sell your own stuff? Yes, you can. Like, Pete Rose can just, like, as a baseball player, you just sign your own stuff and sell your own stuff. He's done that for... 40 years, right? Yeah, forever.

But they... It's so weird if you have your own autograph is worth money. You could, but it's... You get... It's the guaranteed money. Because I'm sure they're going to pay you just to show up and an appearance fee. And then you set your...

Like, I've heard Shatner's price for just an autograph is like, you know, over over a hundred would you be that guy jay would you be the guy that like no free autographs no i would i would sign free autographs that wouldn't bother me at all i would you have a very long it takes you a while to sign an autograph that's been a real burden it is because it's i was going to point out to you andy as you're like you realize that you you know if you could sell your own autograph, you could sign your own stuff and sell. You know we do that. We literally sell our autographs on our footballs and your book.

I guess I meant the demand. The demand for your autograph. Like Michael Jordan. Right? Like Michael Jordan's autograph on something is valuable. Now it gets less valuable if there's millions of them. That's why like Pete Rose is going down in value less valuable if there's millions of them. That's why I like Pete Rose. Awesome, but to get to that level of a Michael Jordan, that's not one

movie. It's one role though. Because Mark Hamill signing, I mean if you have Luke Skywalker signing your Star Wars stuff. Mark Hamill's not the Michael Jordan level though. He's the Michael Jordan of the Star Wars world. He's Michael Jordan on Tatooine okay

all right would you rather what was your answer mike oh man good question i i think i'm taking the bit parts all right live that life get to do it five times a year that sounds that's where i started i switched over i switched over when jason told me that they don't pay you. Would you rather have the best looking lawn on your block year round or have the best holiday displays on the block for Halloween and Christmas? I could care less about my lawn. Oh, okay. That's the one I'm taking. Well, yeah, but you're the old man.

No, no, no. Wharf. Wharf. Goodness. goodness swallow a frog much that's what i'm gonna say from now on whenever wharf whenever i've got a frog in my throat wharf uh continue i it's easily the best looking lawn i struggle trying to put myself in the position of these people that they go all out. We have one house on our street. For the lawn or for the holiday? For the holiday. We have a house on our street that goes all out for Halloween, for Christmas.

It's awesome. I mean, people gather. Oh, I've been there. People gather. It's the fully synced audio light show. But then think about living in that house like there's always people gathered outside your house tuning into the radio station standing around watching your that's fine well i don't know i don't even think you'd know you wouldn't care it's not like your blinds are up and your lights are on inside and you're you're buying better than your're buying man for once there should be one of those houses and the guys just

dancing in front of the window just he just wants the eyes on part of the display yeah i mean that way there would be a lot of that attention so you don't want the attention you're not talking about the work to do it correct i'm saying but people just gathered out cars always outside my house the entire i would love that i genuinely i'd love the landscape in the lawn thing i think that would be amazing if it just looked pristine and like you had a full-time gardener i gotta look into that i i when i think of my front yard if it was desert landscaping with gravel you wouldn't care i wouldn't care at all oh man you're just not really yeah you got to have a nice front yard yeah i man i i just i think uh when i drive uh when i drive down the street any street any neighborhood i don't remember ever once

in my life being like, whoa, that long. Part of that is Arizona. Sure, that's where we live. I have a different house in my neighborhood, and they have actual grass in the front of their house. It all looks good. And every time you see that house, whoa. Yeah.

That house looks great. It's so sharp. But for me, I have driven, you know, the holiday seasons come around, and you go driving with your hot cocoa in the car and look at light displays, and sometimes I am blown away. I'm like, whoa. You ever been to one that had like a totally, like they have a great light display, but the yard is like a horrible mess?

Like there's weeds everywhere. I don't think so. I think those come hand in hand. Yeah. Those people take care of their house. I would agree with that. But you're going the Halloween display. I'm going holidays, yeah.

Okay. Look, I can't get up for Halloween on the display stuff. I know people do it. They spend money. Those gigantic, super tall things are now all the rage. I don't know how you get those home. They must be put together. Yeah, we've tried to-

Where do you store these things? You need a gigantic ladder to get to the top of them. I built a giant Christmas tree once, and I was like, the hardest part was getting high enough to put the top on. My question is, how do people have so much storage? We literally just went to a halloween display that was like this and it it looked amazing but i asked the guy so where do you store this and he said he had three storage units yeah yeah yeah pays yearly to store his

that makes sense you would have to a psychopath that is that's not worth it yeah but you're the house like when we grew up there was one house around the block that did Halloween and I definitely looked at that house with incredible fun. I was like, they care. But what did it bring? What did it cost? Monthly fees year round. Mike, your final answer? The lawn. Yeah. Ellie from... Do we got time for one more or do you want to move on? Let's do one more. Alright, do you have a preference? Nope. Ellie from Patreon, would you rather have the ability to always remember people's names and faces or remember every book movie or show you ever consumed in complete detail oh man i struggle

with both of these i do too i would really like both of these options the first one is actually there's a problem for me i would love to remember people's names and faces but that's not as much of my problem as anything going on in their lives i feel like it's almost worse you set yourself up if you're just like i remember you instantly but then i don't remember anything about what's going on here like i i struggle with like these friends that i have that i don't see a lot and they all have kids i don't remember anything about what's going on. I struggle with these friends that I have that I don't see a lot, and they all have kids. I don't remember the kids' AIDS.

Age. Age. Age. Kids' age. Age. How old they are. When they were born. Worf.

I can't wait. What a good one to mess up, right? Wow. I don't remember their kids. How old they are. Ages, genders, or any of that. So it's like I feel bad because I want to be like, how's little whatever the kid's name is doing in whatever grade they're in.

I mean, that's easy. How's the little rascal? Yes, I can ask the question, and a lot of the times I do that. I'm like. How's Champ doing? But the problem is you don't even remember if they're a boy or a girl, and you're like, how's the little guy? Or how's the little one doing?

Perfect. You've just covered your. You did solve it right there. It's not a problem. And then you're like, which one? We have twins. Who are you talking about? Oh, the one you saw last time.

The older one. So the other one you saw last time the older one so the other one is the movie show all that stuff i i forget that stuff so quick and it actually makes me mad yeah me me too i'm always jealous of mike being able to remember every reference every line of anything he's read or seen you've got a mind like a steel trap and I hate that I don't get to remember like you know I'll we'll be watching a show and if it's one of those you know it comes out every week thing I feel like I sit down to watch the show and I'm like what where are we I don't remember what's going on in this show but i'm still happy i'm still happy with watching that you get to re-watch things i get to re-watch them i i still love movies books uh shows

so i don't think it has a negative effect on me the when you come into contact with someone that you're supposed to know and you know you're supposed to know this person and i don't remember their name yep and i don't remember their face that affects me that makes me feel awful um and so i i certainly am going to take the ability to remember people's names and faces over being able to rewatch movies. You have a great memory, Mike. You remember movies, plots, books, things, video games? Books, I don't. Okay, really?

Yeah. I was going to ask about the names. So tell me, books, you don't do names and faces? Are they part of it? I can focus, if I remind myself to like, you know, when you're meeting someone, doing the repetition of their name, using their name intentionally, I can remember a name. But often I just, I'm like, I don't care. Unfortunately, at that moment, and then it usually comes back to bite you in the butt. That's the problem with the names and the faces. That is the real problem.

The truth is you don't care. The truth is you don't. That's exactly right. And when and the faces. That is the real problem. The truth is you don't care. The truth is you don't. That's exactly right. And when people don't remember. I'm sorry. I don't remember your name. I just didn't care. That's the truth.

It's the truth. And sometimes that's excusable to a degree. Yeah, they didn't care either. It's kind of one of those things where we have a higher demand on others than we do on ourselves. It's like you should all remember what's going on in my life, but then forgive me if i forget what's going on in your life but it does equate to a lot of people would it would translate to a i don't care about you yeah and the worst part and this is probably more of a me problem but it's like on on number four or five it's like oh man i don't remember you again oh if you yeah if you

if you strike out yeah it's like everyone can forgive it at first like oh yeah we only met one time i wouldn't expect you to remember me but it's like dude we've been yeah we've been getting lunch together every day for a week you gotta remember my name is the reaction in those situations do you let it go real quick or are you the over explainer of why you might have forgot something oh i i let it go and clam up yeah you just say you don't you don't go sorry yeah you don't because it's it's really you don't go into you don't go into a oh that's right yeah that's right i do know this stuff about you yeah no i go, I don't care about you. Hey, Worf. Spit Maulers to the rescue.

We're going to do something different on this edition of Life Advice. We're going to have Al Borland read these out because I feel like we are kind of like the counselors, the psychiatrists, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just feel like I want Al to choose these and kind of submit them to us almost like a – This is like Dear Abby. Yeah, exactly, like one of those letters. So, Al, do you mind doing that for us? Perfect. Sounds good.

All right, this one comes in from Jennifer. I'm a bottom-up toothpaste squeezer and my husband tom is a free-for-all squisher our bathroom sink has become a modern art exhibit of toothpaste residue how can i nudge him to towards a more orderly squeeze or do i have to start buying toothpaste in pairs so any strong feelings on this is there any big time strong feeling as strong as like toilet paper over the top feelings not that strong but it is a tier below that because i i don't and the funny thing is is i i guess i have to imagine for for you to have strong feelings you have to be on the bottom up squeezer yeah there's there's you can't have strong feelings of being like doing

whatever you want with it right i'm just squeezing the squeezing the middle. Don't tell me how to live. So are you a – I really have questions about this because I am not you. I become you when the tube gets to a level. I'm a free-for-all guy for the first three-quarters of a tube because why do I have to worry about rolling it up? I can get that. I see that. So are you a first beginning squeeze? You're like getting prepped to roll the bottom? Three quarters of a tube. Because why do I have to worry about rolling it up? I can get that. I see that.

So are you a first beginning squeeze? You're like getting prepped to roll the bottom? I never roll the bottom. But I squeeze from the bottom up. Every time? Every time. Without a doubt. Yeah, because the toothpaste looks so much nicer.

Now you seem like the kind of guy that probably also then doesn't forget to put the cap on. My goodness. There is nothing more. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. That is toilet paper level annoyance. That's worse. It ruins the whole bottle.

It crusts up and you either end up in a good 10-minute clean situation or it just ruins it. Yeah. I don't want to squeeze toothpaste that I'm going to put in my mouth out touching the the gooped up gunked hardened yeah because it becomes a smaller hole in this little tiny squirt of toothpaste it's covered in oh absolutely it's covered in nasty now let me put that in my mouth to clean it give me a break now i don't think this is something that you're gonna be able to change about your husband no i do have i have some advice okay but first off the the squeezing of of the toothpaste and the residue that's those are two different problems that's someone not washing up afterwards um the my wife is type a

definitely squeezed from the bottom. I have gotten there. Due to being beckoned to do that? No, just I grew up. Maturing. I grew up. Just being a grown up. She never complained? No.

No, we didn't have a problem. But later on in life, we got these like a clamp for your toothpaste. And they work? Yeah. I've work? Yeah. I've seen the clamp. As soon as it starts deflating towards the end, you just put the clamp on, and that's what you start squeezing up. You can get all that toothpaste out.

I haven't been able to support big clamp. I've been. Do they actually work? Are they metal? No, it's just a little plastic thing. But it's almost more of a reminder of. Squeeze from the bottom. Go from the bottom.

Yeah, I think that could help in this situation for Jennifer. I haven't gotten the clamp because I can do it with my hand. You're self-accountable. You're self-accountable. You have a built-in clamp. Right. I've never had a problem getting toothpaste out of a container unless someone leaves the lid off.

I think there's a an answer though the most infuriating part since we just talked about so we have i understand for some reason it's impossible to put the the to find that cap and screw it back on the toothpaste so for years i have spent more money on the nicer, fancy crest tubes is all I'll buy because it's the flip top. It's got the hinge? It's got the hinge. Oh, there we go.

You can't lose this thing. That's the key. You can't lose it. You can't, you know, it's just, you don't need two hands to put it on. What if you lose it? Like, you don't get that one. What if you lose the top? Oh. Are you done? Yeah, I'm throwing that tube away. Or are you trying to create a different top? Like, you don't get that one. What if you lose the top? Are you done?

Or are you trying to create a different top? No, I'm throwing that tube away. That tube is going to be garbage. Or do you use like a lot? Because you're like, it's in the middle of crusting out. Like saran wrap or something? Toothpaste is not that expensive where I've got to create a MacGyver situation to

keep the rest of that toothpaste fresh. Okay, go ahead. But my passion here is because I shared for years, I bought the flip top. They still can't close. Correct. They still can't close the cap. Yeah.

It's built in. It's one-handed. You can do it so easy. And to not do it ruins and nastifies the toothpaste. I can't get my family to do this. You need to buy the dispenser. Oh, I've tried that. Yep.

The one where you put the thing underneath. What? And it gives you like a single serve. Yeah. Those. Yeah. The single serve. Those things break too cheap.

Yeah. Anyways, my answer for Jennifer, because I have lived a lot of this life. I got middle squeezers. I just got monsters. And my children, we kind of all, our toothbrushes are in the same area, so they use the toothpaste in the same room. I have just purchased more toothpaste. I hide my toothpaste in my drawer, and it is always perfect.

Now, that was the solution I came up with. There's nothing wrong with that. You're going to use the same amount of toothpaste in your family no matter whether you have two or one. You just use it half as fast. Absolutely. It's the one area in my life where I'm, like, always stocked. I've got extra tubes under the sink.

I didn't know you were this serious about toothpaste. I didn't either. Because to me, when you get that hard toothpaste, it is disgusting. It's so nasty to me. Okay. All right. Let's do one more before we get into drafts. All right.

We'll see if Jason is as passionate about bread as he is toothpaste. Oh, yeah, baby. Oliver, my significant other insists on spinning the bread bag and tucking the end under, claiming that it's quicker. I'm all for using the twist tie as I believe it keeps the bread fresher. Our kitchen encounters have now become a twist versus tuck standoff. Please settle this for us. I've got opinions here, too.

Oh, yeah. Is your opinion that Oliver's an idiot? Which side is Oliver on He's the twist tie Yeah I mean you're not doing any more benefit Twist tying than you are tucking Exactly right There's no extra air getting in The twist tie is not sealing all the air

The twist tie is not some special scientific invention That is made to keep air out It's just a little Yeah you can't uh build a submarine and then i'm just gonna put a couple twist ties on here no the air is sealed arguably the twist tie gives you an excuse to twist it less yes because you quickly get the tie on there whereas when you don't use a twist tie i twist it like like a lot yeah then you tuck it under and then i do a tuck yeah there's not just the twist tie, though. There's also the claw.

Oh, yeah. It's not the twist. It's the one plastic piece. Yes. And then you have to twist up the bread in a certain way just to make sure that it gets. And then it falls off all the time. If you want to get wild, go get a bread box, a sealed bread box, if you want to prevent every bit of oxygen.

But there is one weakness to the twist and tuck do we know what this is i would imagine it's that it could come untucked it's when the loaf gets small because the weight of the loaf on the tuck is significant to keeping the tuck secure i gotta do a full wrap when you're done with oh you wrap yeah after it's After you're down to three or four pieces. You twist, you tuck, and you wrap it over. Twist, tuck, and wrap. I use the twisty tie while the loaf is big because I feel like I'm not getting enough closure. You take just two pieces out, you've got to use the twist tie. I get that.

We'll stay in the twist. That makes sense because you don't have enough room. Exactly. After I've removed about a quarter of the loaf then that thing's that thing's going in the garbage i don't have time for that there's got to be companies that are just producing the twist tie thing oh for sure or just a little plastic piece the claw billions sold um they don't want you also if oliver maybe you feel like you need something fancier let me give you an upgrade on the twist and tuck okay okay if you want it to look nicer and not feel like you need something fancier let me give you an upgrade on the twist and tuck okay okay if

you want it to look nicer and not feel like it can just come undone i don't know if either of you have done this or experience this like a chip clip no no it's the twist and roll what you do is you twist the the the the excess of the bag up and And then you're going to fold the excess back over. Yeah, that's how I do it. Okay. Yeah. So that's not a twist and tuck. The twist and tuck is like twist, and then you lay the bread on the excess.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But the twist and roll. No, no, no. I fold it over. Oh, you do the roll. Yeah, nice. Yeah, I'm a twist and tuck. But yeah, there's no need for this little clip.

No. I mean, we're human beings. We figured out how to prevent more air getting in there. roll yeah i'm a twist and tuck but yeah there's no need for this little clip i mean you were human beings we figured out how to prevent more air getting in there i also there i have a hundred percent success rate of losing the twist tie initially oh for sure i take it off i don't know find it i know where it is no no i mean it's next to all the caps to the toothpaste i eventually find it but i'm saying it's never the first place where I put the twist I hear. No, somehow it's on the kitchen island, and I don't know how it got there. I think it's a Toy Story situation.

When you're not looking at that twist. They walk off. All right, one more, Al. All right, let's do it. This one comes in from Reggie. He says, in our house, I insist on writing a grocery list before hitting the store my wife feels that is it is unnecessary preferring to wing it which usually results in forgotten essentials and impulse buys please tell my wife she is wrong well listen i mean i i can say reggie

your wife is wrong but this is your life because i I am, in fact, this is how I roll. Which one are you? No list. Oh, my gosh, dude. My wife is, again, type A, always has a grocery list. Always. And wants me to use it. But here's the problem.

The grocery list is not set up as you're thinking of items. It is not set up to the layout of the grocery store. So now I go and I'm checking off the 30th item. And then I go to the next aisle and it's, oh, it's the second one. And now I'm at the 52nd item. And I'm spending all my time here. I'm wasting just crazy amounts of time going through the list. How do you get all the stuff she wants?

I eyeball it. So wait, when you get back and you've got half the items from the list, she can't be happy with you. No, but you know what? I was at the grocery store. Wait, is this one of those do it bad so she always does the shopping? No, I end up doing it or we do the pickup. But I'm the one who goes and does it and it's just look if i'm gonna

go you live with my process and you live with my results there is no i'm not using a list i ever i love and adore a grocery list oh man what it just it fulfills me who is this jason i know wait do you get satisfaction checking it off? Oh, yeah. Checking it off and making sure that I got everything. And more importantly. Item number one, toothpaste. Item number two, toothpaste. More importantly, making sure that it's not. Like, if I wing it.

And this is the problem that Reggie here brought up. When I wing it, I buy so much more stuff that's 100 the truth because i'm looking at everything i like that i walked i like some surprises yeah so like my wife is a winger and and if if she doesn't have a list she's coming home to two grocery carts and it's stuff that is just so delicious and good and bad and awful. So you're a full lister. You're a no lister, Mike. Right.

I'm actually right in between where I think I just want a couple of the core important things that I'm potentially going to forget. I write down. And then the rest of it, I'm like, I kind of know we probably should get. In my opinion, this is what I always tell my wife. I'm like, if you get a little bit more of something that you don't know for sure that we have we'll be fine if you don't get it we might be out of it so i always want to have a little bit extra like you're not sure we have milk maybe just get get a little bit more milk yeah i get that and then we'll we'll drink it i promise i'll drink it i'll eat extras

if you get it so very interesting yeah al out of curiosity are you a lister i i'm excuse me kind of in your camp i wharf wharf thank you wharf i uh i like to show up with a list but i love to impulse buy as well so i'm a hybrid yeah don't don't take the impulse buying away that look, we act like, Oh, we're being suckers to the marketing. Yeah. And it's fun. It's delicious. If I'm a sucker to the marketing,

it's a deli. Now I would be the lowest per hour Instacart employee that they've ever hired because finding things in a store and doing any of that competently, I might be the worst on the planet to Mike's's point of like the list, it actually is stressful because I'm going to bounce all over the store. I'm going to go in order of the list. I'm going to ask the employee 52 times where stuff is, and I can't find stuff in stores.

I just can't. And I guess you memorize it eventually, right? Yes. That's my problem. I go to different stores too often. Oh, you got to pick one. You got to find your home base. That's the problem. I go to different stores too often. Oh, you got to pick one. And then you know it's, that's the problem. I don't have a home base. And it's not even, like, we

I shop at Fry's. We have, that's kind of one of our chains here. But you have to go to the same one. Oh, yeah, for sure. Because Fry's to Fry's, they're laid out differently. I don't know what we're doing here. Some of them are real. Just lay them out all the same. Yeah. I need to know where I'm going going there's a war that can go on like in in my household

there is there is a war um we live on a corner where where one corner is fries and then kitty corner is an albertson yep and i got used to albertsons i just yeah that's where i got and it's a little closer for you you have to't have to cross the whole intersection. But my wife loves the fries. That's what she likes. And so it's really become a situation where I hate that fries. I hate it now. Oh, because it represents. And Albertsons is the right place to go.

You know what I mean? That's why I know where the yogurt is there. I don't know where the yogurt is. So does she say go to fries and grab this sometimes? Oh, she wants me to go to fries which is so foolish do you ever classic marital dispute have you ever done all your shopping at albertsons or or what did you say yeah he's the albertson guy but then just put all the stuff into fries bags no i don't want to support that i i i would do the opposite if i went to fries and bought something I wouldn't want her to know I gave in.

All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike, you have the first pick in our Garden Center Battle Royale. We've all been in those garden centers. I actually missed them. Some of the stores around here, like Target used to have a garden center. I feel like the garden center is always outside. It's mostly outside.

And then you're just like, I can't go out there. It's too hot. Target used to have an outdoor garden center. They did. Oh, for years. It was my sneaky way to get in and out of the Target with no line. Yeah, smart. You'd go in there, and then you'd bring your normal goods out to the garden center and check out there, even if you didn't buy garden center stuff.

Real sneaky. And you can do that at Walmart right now. Walmart has a garden center, much lower lines. And you park by the garden center, which no one parks by. Absolutely. You get closer closer parking and it works but the reason it works is because you feel like you're not allowed yeah to buy like you can't check out milk at the garden center but you can should you sneak like one garden item in i usually do yeah i'm like i needed to i needed uh this another shovel sir i'm here all Mike, you get the first pick. And again, we are battling.

We are in a full war. We're in a war. We're trying to kill each other. Yeah. So I have learned from my esteemed colleague the value of a spear type of a weapon. It's the most powerful weapon. That's what I've heard, especially when you're fighting boars. But I am going to take, I don't know if I have to specify what kind, but I'm just like a tree pruner, a tree pruner, which is

it's essentially a stick. And then there is a big blade. It's a spear. It's a saw on the end of a giant pole. That's great. It is. It's good. I will say this. I've bought a few of those in my day and sometimes they'll all bolt on the end of a giant pole. That's great. It is. It's good. I will say this.

I've bought a few of those in my day. And sometimes the little bolt on the end, Al might know that it gets a little loose and then the blade just bends over itself. So you might just have a stick after a little while. Well, that's still useful for me. Yeah, no, that's good. Also, I mean, I'm not trying to take care of my foliage with this.

You're not severing our arms slowly with a saw? No, this is a stab from distance type of a situation. All right, tree pruner. All right, I like that. I like the distance. Distance is always going to be important in these battles. But you start with power. You start with the ability to just mow you down.

I'm taking a chainsaw. I mean, how is that not the number one pick? There's chainsaws? No, there's not. There's no chainsaws in the garden center. There's no chainsaws in the garden center? It is on the Home Depot's garden center. Yeah, I mean, then you're just bridging this gap.

I mean, Al can make the decision. I took that off my list on purpose. Okay, Al, what's the ruling here? I mean, I never saw a chainsaw at a garden center at Walmart. Yeah, there's chainsaw type things that I think you could easily take. I knew you were going to do this. I knew it 100%. If you want it, you can have it.

We're going to overrule it. Oh, denied. All right, well, get ready to keep overruling. All right. I'll take a broadsword. What do you mean there's no broadsword? Follow that with a machine gun. This is where I've seen them sold. But if you want to overrule it because it's too powerful, that's fine.

I would take, if allowed, a pressure washer. Is that in a garden center? Unfortunately, I wish I had given you the chainsaw. Yeah, because you wanted the pressure washer? It was part of my magical combo. Oh, good. That's what you get. That bit you in the butt.

Yeah. The pressure washer, that thing is is um i mean you could really hurt you can push push enemies back with it even if it's not pain like you keep them back i'm not running up to you with a pressure washer on yeah yeah yeah and i'm going full like that that tiny little bead oh you're like trying to bore a hole through oh absolutely i'm cutting you with this water get someone in the face with that who i mean i feel like then I need a shield for that pressure washer. Yeah, you're going to want to get that metal garbage can. I'm devastated because I had a whole plan.

I was going to combine that pressure washer. The plan is in shambles. I mean, I was combining it with some serious hardcore chemicals. I was going to put the pesticides in it, and that was going to be my start. Now I've got to start all over. Good. Thanks for overruling my chainsaw, Al. It was a fair overrule, though. Yeah, it was. Honestly, it was at the bottom of my list because I thought it was start all over. Good. Thanks for overruling my chainsaw, Al. It was a fair overrule, though.

Yeah, it was. Honestly, it was at the bottom of my list because I thought it was probably not going to fly. It was on the edge. But then I was like, I'm just going to take it first. It went to the top real quick. We have done a hardware store battle royale. That's where it's tough. And, Al, you get to be the official overruler of these things.

You get to be the official overruler of these things. Look, you both have some significantly troubling items for my battle. Mike, you got the tree pruner. Yeah. I'm just going to have to take some brute force here, and I'm just going to take a shovel. Oh, it's on my list, yeah. And we're not talking like a little hand shovel, to be clear.

Just a normal shovel. Not the flat top. Not a snow shovel? Just a regular? No, because a snow shovel snow shovel i get it i know that like in home alone is very useful he takes them out it's just not as long range like a snow shovel wharf so'm going to take a bag of River Rock. Oh. I thought about this late. It was at the bottom of my list. All right.

But I actually think at this point, look, I've got a giant bag of River Rock. Those are the kind of stones you can skip. You know what I mean? So I'm hurt. I could throw them at you. Yep. So that's range. So I'm going to go with that.

That's good. That's good. But my next thing on the top of my list is very, very similar. I won't be able to throw it as far, but I'm going to hurt you a lot more. I'm taking a pallet of pavers. Okay. So just bricks?

Dude, you're going to get so tired throwing those at us? Yeah, bricks maybe is more visual. Pavers. Yeah, pavers. I mean, they're just like, they're brick size, but they're a little fancy. You know what I mean? They just look a little nicer when they hit you. Interesting.

Like an octagon shape. A pallet of pavers. We got to come to you in that way. That's more of a defensive. Yeah. Because you can't bring the paver to me. Oh, sure I can. You're telling me I can't use.

No, you can bring one paver. That's what I mean. Oh, I just meant the pallet is going to be in a to me. Oh, sure I can. You're telling me I can't use. No, you can bring one paver. That's what I mean. Oh, I just meant the pallet is going to be in a stationary location. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to have enough to throw, but I will eventually grab one of these and run after you. Yeah, that makes more sense. So a blunt.

You can blunt force it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just. Maybe you get close and you throw it. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like brass knuckles. I'm collecting them and I'm making a nice path to my home base. Okay. Very beautiful because these aren't bricks. These are pavers. Yeah. All right, and I'm making a nice path to my home base. Okay. Very beautiful, because these aren't bricks.

These are pavers. Yeah. All right, Mike. You have a couple of picks. All right. So I've got my pole arm and the device. I thought, Jay, you might just pivot to it, but I will take a hedge trimmer, which is basically-

A chainsaw. Which is basically a chainsaw, but it is used for gardening situations. And then I'm going to follow that up. So that is allowed? I mean, I'm sitting here going, hmm. Really? Oh, okay. Because technically, when you go into a garden center, you don't see them there.

You have to go into a hardware store to buy it. You never see them outdoors. So I think if you're thinking of an outdoor garden center, I think you might have to omit it. I can move on. It was also drafted in our hardware store battle. And I'm not seeing it on Walmart.com's garden center. So I think we're going to

overrule that. I think it's literally a chainsaw. Yeah. But for hedges. Yeah, for bushes. We're going to have to move on. That's fine. I will take, then I will start here with my aerator spiked shoes. Okay.

I know what you're talking about. I have no idea. Yeah, they make those shoes that you- Imagine cleats, but they're just nails. Yeah. So you can walk through your lawn and aerate it. Okay. I actually think that's a real problem for you, Mike. Yeah.

You don't want to wear those. I don't think I've ever seen anybody walk on non-grass with those. Where are we? We're in the store? Yeah, we're fighting in the store. All right, well, I'll be on the side. No, no, I'm saying if you catch us sleeping and you stand on our bodies, that would be painful. I'm doing jump kicks, roundhouses.

Maybe you have one on and you hop around. What's funny is if you aren't on grass, like cleats. Oh, I will fall. When we played in a flag football league, it always blew my mind how I could barely walk to the grass field if I was in cleats from the car. Because I'm like sliding around and I've got no grip on the ground. So that'll be a good time for you. All right, Mike. You've got some sliding shoes.

That's fine. I picked roller skates. I would if I could. And then, so Andy, what did you, you took the rocks? I took the bag of rocks and a shovel. Okay. Yeah. So then I will take the, I will took the bag of rocks and a shovel. Okay. Yeah. So then I will take the weed killer then.

All right. I will take the pressurized squirt bottle of poison. Yeah, you're going to have to pump it a little bit, right? Yeah, that's all right. Okay. That's all right. I'll be on the ground because I'll be falling over a lot. I was going to take it towards the end if it snuck back to me.

Ah. So you get some weed killer. Poison. I don't know how damaging that is. I don't know if you're giving me slowly forming. Well, I just meant like I might get slow formed cancer at like 20, 40 years from now.

But you'll die a winner of the Battle Royale. You get that thing in your eyes, you're toast. I'm sure it can blind a person. There's only one way to find out. We'll have to do this battle. Alright, Jasonason you're back on the clock you have the pressure washer which we'll let you have yeah because we have already moved past i didn't realize that that snuck through the same way the others did all right so

i've got the pressure washer we've got a lot of things here that we can hurt the pressure washer that has the pump i don't think it can be powered. Well, if it's powered, then he is stuck to the wall. If it's powered, he bought it in the store. You know the powered ones have a really long... He has to have the one where you push down. That's not a pressure washer. I didn't buy an insecticide spray. Oh, yeah, that's an insecticide

spray. Yeah, that's what I have. Yeah, that is true. We've got some things... Even with a long cord, if there's an entire garden center that I can go around, we could be safe from the pressure washer. Yeah, but eventually you're going to have to come to me. Eventually. No, you're going to have to come to me with my shoes. I can't make it to you.

We're just going to be on our own islands. This is the game where you all set up the bases and no one fights each other. Get over here, chicken. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm going to but it's just gonna be rain oh yeah that distance it will be rain spot all right stop misting me we've all got things that can hurt each other but there's a battle to death eventually we gotta have something that's just like look i gotta finish the deal oh there's a, this is a killer. This is a murderous device. I'm getting head shears.

Yeah. I'm just getting giant knives. I don't know. Giant scissors. Yeah, that'll be some work still. Oh, yeah. But stabby. Oh, yeah, stabby.

No, they're good. Hedging shears is good. They're very stabby. Stabby and cutty. So, look, my last two picks, I'm going to take some garden netting. Okay? I'm going to take some garden netting. I feel like a trap.

Set some traps. And then my last resort here after the garden netting, look, maybe I want to see you two kind of battle it out before I emerge to take on the winner. And that's why I'm drafting a wheelbarrow. I'm getting underneath it. I'm going to turn. I'm turtling up. I'm turtling underneath the wheelbarrow.

Oh, yeah. It's upside down. I'm under the wheelbarrow. I'm going to quick as I can put one paper at a time. I'm going to trap you under there time I'm going to trap you under there and I'm going to starve you out. You're putting the pavers on top of my wheelbarrow. No!

I'll see you in two days. I can't lift it. That's right. Lift a pallet of pavers. No! Turtle. Die turtle. That is the perfect scenario. You could go for a long walk with each paver and set them on top of my turtle shell. Let me see if one of them is dead are you guys still fighting out there guys yeah all right so andy's a skeleton i can also move bodies off the battlefield

easier that's true with the wheelbarrow and you could just have a lot of fun wheelbarrows are a ton of fun um was that your your that's it it. I'm done. All right. Shovel, bag of rocks, garden netting for traps, and a wheelbarrow to hide under. Great. I'm surprised this made it this long. I probably should have taken it earlier myself because I think your shovel's a good pick. Yeah. I really do. Oh, there's a, yeah.

But there's a better version of, like, for a fight of a similar product, and that is the metal rake, the rock rake. The rock rake is pretty great. Because now I've got more impalers. Yeah, you got impalers. And, you know, spikes at the end of this thing. This is my spear. My spear is just curved at the end.

Sure. So I will take the metal rake all right yeah that makes sense all right so is that my last but you do have a risk because if you set it up against the wall yeah and you step on it the wrong way right you could hit yourself in the face you never want to yeah that is it a risk. It's a huge risk. I'm willing to take it. Mike finally walks all the way over to you, and that rake is sitting there, and he steps on it with his aerator shoes. All right, one final pick, Mike. I'm going to keep my bio warfare going, and I just need something that I can toss like some pocket sand,

toss it in your face, except it's poop, boys. I'm taking some fertilizer. Yeah. You're going to die all stinky. All right. So you're going to throw some manure on us. That's right. Or trick us into, like you get bad.

I'll give you bags of maneuver, as many as you want. Oh, perfect. So you can build them up like sandbags, but then your base is stinky. Yeah. Stinky base. Also, when you throw it at us, realize that you don't have gloves. Yeah, you have to hold it. No, I understand.

We're all dying stinky. Jason has a pressure washer that he got away with, a pallet of pavers, hedging shears, and gravel rake. Mike has a tree pruner, aerator spiked shoes, a weed killer sprayer and a bag of manure i've got a shovel some rocks garden netting and a wheelbarrow i have one that i really wish i would have taken one honorable mention that i had at the top of my list and i just kind of forgot to use which was tiki torches ah yeah it's it's on my list as well. So having some improvised, it's a club.

And they sell metal ones. Yeah, but it would also be fire. Yeah. And I don't know if that manure lights on fire, but we could give it a shot. It won't light, but it'll blow up if you get enough detonation going on. I had a thing called a tamper. Oh, yeah, the flat bottom thing yeah i didn't know what it was it's the level ground down yeah um trellises maybe as barricades some sort of uh

got a hose yeah sure yeah use it as a whip or noose oh oh yeahous. Or help connect my pressure washer. Yeah. It will lose pressure. There you go. Yeah, let us know if we forgot anything. I think we did pretty good. I don't know if I'm going to be surviving this one. I'm pretty confident I win this fight.

I think Jason wins it because he stole something from the hardware store. What did we learn today? Oh, I learned what a tamper is. I learned that apparently not every actor makes a lot of money. And I relearned my hatred for dirty toothpaste. Yeah, you did. We learned that about you. Yeah.

That you're very passionate. I'm passionate, man. You did it the right way, is what you've always said. And cap it. That you're very passionate. Passionate man. Squeeze it the right way is what you've always said. And cap it. That is today's show. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

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