Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 268: Pirate Myths & Things That Are Fragile - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

On today’s show, we talk about having your in-laws move in with your family, turning things into cake, and painfully awkward acting. Then, Andy, Mike, and Jason each share a wild but real news article. Lastly, we carefully wrap up the show with a draft of things that are fragile. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. oh baby wow the energy the commitment yeah i'm not i'm lie. Tempo fluctuations. So, wasn't good, but I loved it. Oh, no, it was fantastic. I loved it. It was great. Thank you, Andy, for bringing that heat.

I feel like the enthusiasm was there to mask just the great unknown. I had no idea what was coming. But, well, what better way to welcome you into episode 268 than that fantastic scat. Welcome to the Spitballers. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Would you rather? Is this real life? And we are drafting, as we always do today, we are drafting things that are fragile. Fragile. Which way do you pronounce it? Are you a fragile or fragile? It's something fragile.

I'm an American, so it's fragile. Yeah. Is that the American way to say it? Yeah. Yeah. Fragile rock. So nothing. Yeah.

That's fraggle, but close enough. Yeah. Tomato, tomato. Tomato. I was thinking maybe there were tiers, like some things are just fragile and some things are fragile oh okay maybe if it's maybe if it's imported oh you know all right all right makes sense uh at spitballers pod over on twitter if you want to follow us there welcome into yet another episode let's get it going going would you rather surge from patreon says which pirate attribute would you rather have for the rest of your life a hook hand a peg leg oh mike what you let me down oh you want one for everyone of course or an eyepatch thank you a hook hand a peg leg an

eyepatch so these are all negatives oh a vast well that i mean if you want to look at them that way were there normal pirates that had all of their like like they had their eyes and they had their legs and they had their hands i have why are pirates all without objects parts of their body i have heard now this could be just an old you know wives tale but i have heard that the eye patch was actually a uh device because they so they would cover one eye because they're up in the deck in the sun and then when you went below deck it was so dark maybe because you're on an old pirate ship not a lot of lit candles down there that you're yeah like your eye adjusting they would just then they would move the eye past the other eyes because then they could see below that i would

be ready for the dark as you say that i know i've heard that before which is the scientific methodology of knowing it's a fact. Right. Because it's now confirmed that that is historically correct. So what you're telling me here is most people's assumption of, oh, they've lost an eye. Right. It's not true.

Or, man, he got a nasty, wicked gash on his eye. He doesn't want to show that. Not true. No, you're gearing up for a haunted house. It's probably a beautiful eye under that patch, and I could switch it to the other one. It's probably the same as the other one. They opted in to no depth perception?

I don't know. I'm just telling you what I've heard. I mean, you're sacrificing depth perception for slightly improved below deck. Are they going below deck and above deck that often? I believe so. Well, maybe what you do is you just got the eye patch flipped up most of the time. And then like you're like, oh, I'm going to. Exactly.

Like, oh, I got to go down soon. Bloop, bloop. And then you just let the. I like that you checked your watch like a pirate is checking their watch. I checked my watch? Yeah, you did. No, I was doing the... Oh, you were lifting the eye.

I was lifting my eye. Well, it's about time for me to head below deck. Now you're going to tell me that they have real hands that are just holding onto hooks now underneath that. Yes, but they've got a long sleeve that covers the hand, so you don't know. I was under the impression, people, where pirates are plucking out each other's

eyes for generations i mean other than or the parrot that's sitting on their shoulder plucks out the eye that the parrot the side that don't give them the crackers yeah owl is there can you check the hysterosity of this eye patch that's not a word i'm looking into it yeah that's like a like monstrosityrosity. Look, I've heard that word. I've heard that word. So it's real word. Thank you. I mean, look, the hook hand is an active weapon.

So there is a potential positive to the hook hand. For melee. Yes. But the only kind of fighting they really did other than. Other than the guns? No. Other than the shooting the boats and the cannons the cannons yeah cannons weren't portable they had they had pistols no yes no they said have you

ever seen a pirate movie they always have the one shot pistol yeah they got a they got a one i mean you get one good okay that was a complete lie apparently the eyepatch thing there's a good oh no it's a good story mythbusters did do an experiment and it does seem plausible that that would help help but there's got to be at least one pirate that did that pirates actually uh even wore eye patches i was gonna say that i don't think they did most pirates had all of their hands all of their eyes and all of their legs yeah and there were just a couple famous ones that didn't. They just had scurvy. Says the myths largely come from the novel Treasure Island

by Robert Louis Stevenson. Yeah, so Treasure Island and Peter Pan have shaped the way that we think about pirates. They're actually all really nice people. I am keeping. Like, they got a bad rap. Very much not true. They were the pirates.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure real pirates are very bad. Pirates. The eye patch, I'm sure real pirates are very bad. Pirates. The eye patch, I'm not losing my depth perception. The peg leg, I'm not losing my ability to run. I'm taking the hook hand because, yes, I don't have a hand, but I can also use it. Yeah, you can hang from stuff so much easier. You know what I mean?

Oh, no. There's no way. Well, it's attached. How? Dude. Grafted to the bone, my man. I mean, this is fully installed hook. I mean, it's just a strap.

No, no. Not mine. Mine is adamantiumed in. And you know what I'm doing on the boat? I'm coming from that top little look tower, and I'm sliding down the rope. The zip line. The zip line with my hook. Oh, he has fallen 60 feet, and the hook is staying on top.

Yes, it is. Either that or the hook is very sharp and just cuts the rope. Oh, I didn't take this through. I just don't understand why they didn't do something other than a hook. I mean, if you can do a hook, you can do anything, right? You could have strapped on a sword full time. Well, that's not great for sleeping. Yeah, there'd be some issues.

Yeah, try to hang from that. Can't happen. Also, how are you walking around on a boat where, I mean, you're in the middle of the ocean. I imagine that the deck is frequently being swabbed. It's getting some waves hitting it and stuff. If you have a peg leg, how are you not just sliding everywhere? How can you possibly walk?

I would think you're just falling. You know what I mean? If you're sliding, it's because you're on your back just sliding back and forth after you've fallen um you can't do the peg leg that's the worst of the three i think that's okay universal much less you can do with that i would rank them eye patches the best because i can just flip it up i i think for the point of the question, you have to wear it. Yeah, you don't have an eye underneath, so flip it up all you want, but you don't have an eye. I will allow you to remove it when you sleep.

Thank you. And the hook? No. Ooh, that's a problem for my pillows. I'm going to take it. You said it was grafted to the bone, Jay. You can't have it all. I'm going to take... You said it was grafted to the bone, Jay. You can't have it all. I'm going to take the eye patch.

I want my hands and feet. Okay. Mark from the UK, would you rather have to FaceTime with your in-laws for 30 minutes per day... Okay. ...or have them live with you for one month out of every single year?

What do you think Mike. Well that's someone who has court cordially opened my domicile to my in-laws for quite some time. There are some challenges. they're great people but there are just there are challenges when you add that type of dynamic into your household so which one are you going with it's over after a month 30 minutes not in your not in your yeah wait i can i can make it some no no i'm saying this hypothetical question right you've got to be on to be on Zoom for 30 minutes every single day. That's a lot of time. That is a lot of time to give up for anything. My in-laws used to live out of state, and they would come into town and stay with us once a year normally.

It wasn't a month. It was normally like a week. It wasn't so bad. A week. A month's a while. Would you? A month every year is a while but 30 minutes is there anyone and i'm like i'll include my spouse anyone you want to facetime for 30 minutes a day

no no i love my family i don't want to facetime for 30 minutes a day well you don't need to though i mean you see you see your family for more than 30 minutes a day that's fair so maybe facetiming them is uh is even better because that means you're like you're on vacation i mean why would you facetime someone you live with well okay what just changes to be you like your your dad facetime your dad 30 minutes every day yeah that's a lot of time i don't see my dad every day that's too can i watch a sitcom peripherally? You've got the Zoom. Behind the phone? Right in front of the TV.

Because I'm sure my reactions to that sitcom would be perfectly matched to what my father wanted me to laugh in that moment. He's definitely growing out his hair to cover the AirPod. You know what I mean? He's going to have one in, be laughing at all sorts of Seinfeld jokes. My dad will never be as funny as he is on those calls. He will be like, I am. Josh did the math.

182 hours a year. And there's 730 hours in a month. But the 182 here, that's all active hours. The 730 in a month, half of that is sleeping. So you're definitely cutting down your in-law time in at least half and then half of that time you're not hanging out with them so you're you're you're significantly less i'm they're staying for a month i'm taking the month it's taking definitely the month and you know and it's a good point like the the facetime anyone for 30 minutes a day is just

i don't want to take 30 minutes to do anything either of you guys ever have a long distance relationship with a girl uh before you were married you ever have to do anything. Either of you guys ever have a long distance relationship with a girl before you were married? You ever have to do that? Nope. Not a long one. I did one summer. I did a summer. Okay.

And that didn't go well. I had two different long-term relationships. Oh, this guy. One of them turned out okay. One of them I married. The other one did not work out but both got to the point where the obligatory daily call because there were no there was no end to it right it was like you you felt like you had to have a long call every day i have nothing else to say to maintain the relationship and i'd be like, I don't like this every day. Like, well, I ate lunch.

I want to go play video games. And I went to work. Oh, that's cool. Like yesterday? Yeah. Oh, all right. Anything big happen? No?

Nope. Nope. Drew from the website, would you rather be able to turn any object into cake or be able to turn any liquid into your favorite soda. The cake looks like the object. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just making, yeah?

For sure. Oh, it's the cake. It's got to be the cake. It's the cake. You could do hilarious things. Hilarious things by turning anything into cake. Oh, yeah. Go get in your car.

Psych, that's a cake. Good job. They just grab the door handle and squeeze. I got to use the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Let me know how it goes. The toilet turns into cake? Anything you want.

Anything you want. This is a great superpower. I can turn anything into cake? They're such different powers. Let me be honest. I could turn every liquid that I want to drink in my life into my favorite soda right now by just buying the soda. But I can't buy cake in any shape.

Right. These feel wildly- At any place. They feel wildly different. But you're going to want- I mean, practical jokes as I'm just saying, eating. You're going to want soda more than you want cake. Maybe.

I don't know about that. This isn't even about eating it. I'm going to open a cake shop. You know what I mean? Of course you are. We're back to the- Of course you are. You're telling me if you had that superpower, you're not selling amazing cakes?

But Jay, you could have a cake shop that's made out of a cake. Oh, baby. The problem with that is once you do turn the building into the cake, you can't revert it. So you could just ruin so many. More toilet cakes. The White House has a week left because you're a cake. Everybody goes and eats the White House. Can I turn people into cake?

I just do. If you drink this much soda, that's murder. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to drink soda. Like, I don't have a desire to drink. Every now and then. Honestly, if you could turn your sodas into water, you'd be healthier. If you did it the opposite way.

Yeah. You'd have a problem with cake, though. Because you'd do the hijinks, but you'd also be like, man, I'm kind of hungry. Oh, yeah. Here's a slice of cake. Yeah, that would be. That's a problem. That's the beatus. I guess because that one seems like a better power.

I'm going to take the cake one and just learn to control my power. Learn to harness the cake power. It's going to take the cake one and just learn to control my power. Learn to harness the cake power. It's going to be real hard to not turn someone's car into cake. It'll be real easy to turn someone's car into cake. I mean. You just have plausible deniability. I don't know how. Dude, you're the only one that can turn things into cakes.

This is going to sound strange, but can you turn things into cake? You need to have a four-digit code before you do the transformation that you have to put in to be sure because you're going to be freewheeling and be like cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Two-key system. Yeah, you need to be able to

put in your code, your responsibility cake code. Chandler from the website, would you rather have a movie, I'm sorry, would you rather watch a movie with a great plot but bad acting or a movie with a terrible plot but great acting? I feel like the latter is the one, those are the ones that win all the Oscars. 100% and I hate them. It's so true. When you watch these awful movies with no point or purpose, a stupid ending, but there's great acting?

Yeah. Oh, all the fart sniffers out there that are voting on Academy Awards, they just gobble that up. When I watch those movies that are supposed to be good, all I hear is faces in my peripheral going, you're supposed to like this. You're supposed to love good all i hear is like faces in my peripheral going you're supposed to like this you're supposed to love this movie no if it's got a stupid plot and you act good in it it's awful that's a stupid movie you shouldn't have signed up to do are you on the you're the fart sniffer side more often than not yeah gross yeah great movies are great movies gosh go watch dunkirk yeah maybe i was nominated go watch it i dare Yeah, maybe I will. That was nominated.

Go watch it. I dare you. I dare you. You'll want to turn your own eyes into cake when you're in the middle of watching that movie. Now, all this being said, all this being said, you don't realize, we don't see actual bad acting often, right? We watch so many movies, so many shows. I see it very frequently. Network TV. You think very network tv you think you

think you do you think you do you see an act you see acting that is not great you're like oh i that's that's some bad acting but if you actually see bad acting like they're just not able to act and it's just this person who feels like they're completely out of place some people i mean i would say a lot of people can't act they can't just do that skill and that's unwatchable it's on it's i would much rather watch a bad movie with a terrible plot with good acting as as much as i don't like that than ever watch a genuinely bad actor it's so cringy i can't i can't handle it if you yeah i think that's the right pick because if you see a movie with great acting, you will be watching it with hope that the plot becomes better.

But I doubt once, once there are certain ways into a movie with bad acting, you know, it's not getting better. You know, that's a lost cause. Yeah. Bad acting is.

So you watch all them fart sniffer movies, huh? Not all of them, but I'm, I'm open to them, but I like, so you don't likeart Sniffer movies, huh? Not all of them, but I'm open to them. So you don't like the Fart Sniff movies, but you also don't like the Braindead Marvel movies.

Yeah, I like them right in between. Make sure to be clear that you were talking to Andy there. Yes, yes. Because I love the Braindead Marvel movies. You know what I like? I like the way you called them Braindead Marvel movies. Yeah, because they're popcorn. Yeah.

Most of them. There's a couple of them where you're like oh that's a that's a there's a there's a few good ones but now we're you know we're on the other side of that and we see where everything's going where is it going into the cake toilet man and nobody likes the movies no more we're all they're all tired of them do people like movies anymore that's people like good movies they just don't make good movies anymore that's the problem people make movies now without the like there's no passion behind it i mean there there are some movies that are like that obviously they're smaller and they do well and i like a good drama with good acting and a good plot is that too much to ask

i think that is that's my favorite movie that's too much to ask. You know what a good movie is? Culture. A Few Good Men. A Few Good Men is the right kind of movie. That's a good movie. But a courtroom drama? I mean, it wasn't. Not much of that movie takes place in a courtroom. Very little.

That's a good movie. That's like, how old is that movie? That's an old movie. That's like 30 years old. I'm using it as a template. There's other movies like that that just didn't pop into my head right away.

You know the movies were good in the 90s. Casablanca. Now that's a film. I did not say... I mean I gave you a few good men. Harold and Maude. Not Harold and Maude. It's an example.

It's a template. Give me a recent example. Like the sound of music. Like first thing that comes to mind for you when you think of like modern good movie. I'm having a bit of a moment trying to find it. It's difficult. I don't blame you. Gone with the wind or what are you thinking

wizard of oz you ever seen rear window oh my gosh hitchcock knew how to do it guys um let's see i think i've been i think you guys wouldn't you agree that most movies have a lot of movies get made with a different starting point than they used to yeah for sure money you know what i mean yeah the starting point is marketability reach the broadest audience possible reach the most every country it's a broad view of revenue and and not every you know it's not artistry necessarily they build bands this way too by the way things are cyclical though i i think you know 10 years 20 years from now it'll get back to where i mean it still is always about the money what used to make money was great films and then it as as things made more and more money was just

you know wide appeal mass appeal kind of formulaic as people tire of that the ones that people will go and spend the money on in a movie theater will be wow that was really great incredible word of mouth like everyone's talking about this movie we just got to give it time to come back to the good days you ever see uh green book no i did not with vigo mortensen you never saw that nope never heard of it i was trying to give you a slightly newer what about uh birdman? I didn't see Birdman. You don't love Michael Keaton. Yeah.

Not enough. Yeah, I don't know. I was trying to look up the last 20 like- Best picture winners. Yeah, is that what you just did? Yeah. Is that where you got Birdman? Argo was a good movie. Yeah.

Crash. Do you remember Crash? I never saw it. Oh, Crash was a good movie. It's about people crashing in cars. One of them. you like so apparently you like the fart sniffy movies it's not a fart sniffing movie i just want a good drama with good actors and a good plot jay have you seen crash no yeah how have neither of you seen crash because it's fart sniffy smells bad so if you haven't seen it yeah oh yeah yeah it's a bad

movie yeah oh for sure i've seen all the good movies i've seen all the good movies um i'll let you know if it was good yeah all right uh we're moving on okay Is this real life? All right. Who's starting off our Is This Real Life segment today? We've got real life news stories that, well, they're real, and we were shocked to find them. Yeah. I will kick mine off.

I think mine is a bit older, but I've just recently been, it's been brought to my attention, and it's perfect for this show. So there was a flight that was flying people around, as they do. It was from Washington to Dallas, I believe. Cities don't really matter. It's a long flight though. But passengers start complaining of their smelling burnt matches. That's not good.

That is an issue on an airplane. Eventually they make an emergency landing. All the passengers are pulled off the plane. Got to put them all in secure screening areas by the FBI. The FBI is now involved in this because, look, I mean, you smell burning on a plane. In this modern world, you got to be worried about a threat. So they detain everyone. They bring the dogs in.

The dogs are searching the plane. Eventually, they do find matches underneath the seat. Easy. Got the seat. We can track down who was in the seat. So they find the lady, and they start to interrogate her, at which point she confesses she, in fact, had been lighting and blowing out matches

because she had the smelly farts, boys. Oh, my goodness. She had the smelly farts. Oh, Oh my goodness. She had the smelly farts. Oh my goodness. And her plan on an airplane was to light matches. Wait a minute. Which totally works, by the way. But on a plane.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this lady tried so hard to cover up her farts that it is now deboarding the plane, taking everyone into the FBI, and the story obviously gets out, got out, and is currently continuing to be proliferated here on this mega show. Her farts are famous. The end result was the passenger's name was not released to the public. I mean, I'm sure there are people who know. Fart lady.

Yeah, the fart lady. But she was, in fact, banned from the airline. Oh, man. For farts, right? Banned for farts. Imagine being on a plane and your farts are just so bad. Number one, you can't just go to the bathroom and fart it out but you're lighting matches look it's incredible this is not this is a good story this is not new

information to this lady she brought matches she was she was prepared for these farts she knew what was going on and she was like there's only one way I can fly on this plane. I got to light some matches. That's such an old-school way to deal with farts too. If you go to a grandparent's house, in their bathroom there will be matches because that's how people dealt with farts back then. Is that like a go-to thing for people our age now? Should we be providing matches?

Matches should be in every bathroom. Really? You believe in it? You support it? Yeah. Everybody should have a chance to light a match. Striking a match to me in the whatever... And it scientifically helps, right? Yes. I've never done the science, but I've done

the experiment. No, I've heard of it too. And like, I mean, Febreze and potpourri and stuff, it works way better. Okay. Because it's not, you know, like when you spray the potpourri, you get the poopy potpourri smell.

Yeah, that's a combo. Like when you do the match, it is far more match than it is poopy match. Who doesn't like striking a match? Yeah, it feels good. I don't strike matches that much. That's just fun. Yeah. That's just fun. Yeah. It's just fun.

I was at a restaurant last night, and on the way out, I see where they got the toothpicks and the mints. They got matches. Well, that could also be for the smokers. Sure, but you bet your bottom dollar I took a match book. Well, there you go. I was like, dude, there's... I don't think I own matches. I didn't own matches.

I do now. Did the match industry go under with the smoking industry? Yeah, I mean, I think lighters... Lighters in general? Lighters just really kicked matches' butts. They're like, dude, check this out. It's like a match... How many times can you use your match once?

What a loser. Wow. I don't know. Better let it quick. It's out. I'm going to read you mine real quick. It's brief. It's really just one line in particular got me.

It says robbery suspect who eluded capture in a vehicle on a bike in a sailboat arrested. Vermont armed robbery suspect who police say eluded capture in the past week in a vehicle on a stolen bike on foot and in a stolen sailboat was arrested on Thursday after he was spotted in a kayak on the river.

What? But the very best part is the quote from the Burlington police chief who said, quote, because of the unusualness of Mr. Edson's various modes of flight from cars to bikes to paddle boards to sailboats to tractors. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that Mr. Edson is a dangerous person because he's pretty cool.

Don't forget he's dangerous. I know you're going to love this guy. What can this guy not do? I mean, and the best part is that they finally catch him out on a kayak, which I don't think that's where you want to be. Was he on the run in the kayak, or is he just kayaking? I think he was progressing. Catch me if you can, covers!

Oh, no, they're walking alongside the river. You get the current, there's no way they're catching you. They spotted him on the kayak 21 miles away from Burlington. He landed the kayak, ran away, and then jumped into the river and swam to the southern shore where he was then arrested. He was on his way to his helicopter. They all asked for his autograph when they picked him up, I'm sure. Wow.

I appreciate this man's diversity of transportation. Yeah, that's very impressive. Speaking of transportation, and also you want to talk about a story that could have used the cake power. Okay. This one could have an Australian woman survived five days in the bushland on wine and candy. So that's the. Wait, what? An Australian woman survives five days in the bushland on wine and candy.

Wine and candy. Wine and candy. She could have used some cake. I mean, she was very limited. So she had calories and a beverage. How did she end up with those two objects going into the bushland? Yeah, so she got lost. She did not mean to go into.

She was on the way to some, I don't know. Like a Valentine's Day date? I think she was going to some famous dam and got lost on the way there. In the middle of this giant Australian bushland. in this middle of this giant Australian bushland. And when she went to turn around, her car got stuck in the mud and she was kind of in the middle of nowhere and no family knew that she was gone. And she was like 37 miles away from the nearest town. And so she's out here you know needle in a haystack type of rescue operation and she's just got to survive the nights are cold and the only thing she had in her car she doesn't drink she was bringing a bottle of wine she doesn't know yeah like drinking saved my life

but that was the only liquid she had for five days was this bottle of wine and candy. And she survived for- Five days? She survived five days. Do we know the candy type? We don't. It didn't share. I don't know if this was a Pinot Noir.

Is there a more sustaining candy? Like Snickers bars? I mean, that'd be- Yeah, you got to get Snickers. Satisfies. Yeah, it satisfies. It's got protein. Like, I mean, you probably not.

You don't want Skittles. Probably not. Or the ropes. Can you use that as a tool? For the wine? I mean, I would have turned that. Like as a straw? I would have turned that car into a cake pronto.

It's okay. I could survive a while here. How long could you live on cake alone? Oh, a long time. Long, long time. Cake and water? Yeah, cake and water cake and water i mean i was including water one flavor though one flavor of sure let's break this down for a second because we have a second before the draft if you are i don't remember school much but i remember there's

these things called like complex carbohydrates or complex proteins or whatever like isn't there like like rice and beans? When you put them all together, you get all the amino acids you need or something like that. Anybody over there go to school? Nope. Nobody here? No. Biologists?

No. Do you remember what I'm talking about? We're dumb. Papa Josh is here. Thanks for kind of like making a small sound into the microphone. Could you pull the microphone to your face? I don't want to be on the hook for this if I get it wrong. Oh, yeah. You're on the the spot but i remember there being like what do you want complex versus no you just need to have like like beans and rice they go together

and you get all the things you need for food so you could live on beans and rice rice and franks and beans rice and beans beans and rice is a famous saying for that purpose but like cake doesn't give you everything you need right no you don't get protein in a cake so how long could you live a year on cake and water yeah you could live a year on cake you're going to end up with diseases so like the the reason that you know pirates got scurvy is because they ate just basically only potatoes and they didn't have enough of the other vitamins they needed to properly survive. So they developed scurvy and other things.

Complete protein. But you can live a long time with scurvy, I think. Yeah, as long as you have- Beans alone and rice alone both lack certain essential amino acids. If eaten together, each contributes to what is missing to form a complete protein. That is what I was referring to. Really? So Franks and beans is everything you need.

Now, I decided to ask AI how long a person could live on only cake and water. They'll know. It said you will have severe nutritional deficiencies, as you said. No fiber. You'll have psychological effects. Comma fatty, comma colon.

You'll have diabetes. Yeah, it's for a... Yeah, I mean, they didn't give me a date. They didn't. They didn't tell me how many days on a calendar. Well, shame them. Shame them in your text and tell them... How many days would you estimate?

Cake will keep you alive, but you will be malnourished and you'll be vitamin deficient. We know that. We know that. Give me the day. I want how many days? I think a very, very long time. Rough estimate is what it says it's going to give me here in a minute. But it says it's dependent on the type of cake.

Short term? What kind of cake? Is this red velvet? I imagine if you had like chocolate in it, it'd be better, right? I mean, I guess if it's a carrot cake, you get a, oh, you know what I mean? You get a little bit of vitamins. It says long term, months wise, a person would face life-threatening complications due to severe

malnutrition, organ failure, and immune and immune system collapse survival beyond a few months would be unlikely without an intervention only a few months a few months wow but i didn't put the pinot noir in there so yeah what happens when the wine and the cake mix together that's a complete protein wow so um not on the normal list of things you want to be stuck in the wild with. No, but it works. For bare necessity. If you are going to be traveling, make sure you have candy and wine. Thank you, Jeremy, for hunting down that complete protein thing that made me sound somewhat like I paid attention in school.

I'd never heard that. I'm surprised, Mike. You're normally got good grades. I like rice and beans. You're normally, you've got good grades. I like rice and beans. Yeah, just how did, humans, we just, we figured it out before there was an actual nutritional value to it. Yeah, rice and beans, you need them both. Great.

All right, we ready to draft? Yep. The Spitballers Draft. Well, today we are drafting things that are fragile. I don't know what that was. What in the world? Well, my throat kind of got a little stuck while I was going to give like a... What sound was that?

I was just going to give a hmm, and then it got stuck. And you went hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Jason loves fragile things. All right. I don't feel like there's any sort of one-on-one in this draft. Oh loves fragile things. All right. I don't feel like there's any sort of one-on-one in this draft. Oh, definitely not. So I'm going to – I got a long wait because I got a couple I kind of want for my team of fragile things.

But I'm going to go with a fun one to start with. Bubbles. It's on my list. I'm going with bubbles. Yeah. Bubbles are so fragile you can't even touch them. They pop. You better be covered in soap. Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. That'm going with bubbles. Bubbles are so fragile, you can't even touch them. They pop. You better be covered in soap.

Yeah. That bubble doesn't stand a chance. So I'll go with bubbles. All right. It's the number one pick. It's a fun, lively pick. We need more bubbles. There's no way that if you had more bubbles on your week-to-week,

month-to-month basis, you weren't a happier person. Bubbles cannot make you sad. No bubble has ever made somebody sad. You can over-bubble. Just throwing this out there, you can over-bubble. How would you over-bubble? Unless you're getting like a slick floor. That's what I'm talking about.

Like a bubble bath? That's all I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about the slick floors. You know, I love bubbles. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm a super pro-bubble. I think bubbles are going to make you happy. But the bubble residue on the ground, if you have too much,

you can... Dangerous. Yeah, that's... What about a new device that is just for happiness? It sits in the corner of your room. It's motion activated. When you walk into the room, it shoots out a few bubbles. We're not talking about a lot of bubbles. No, that's awesome. You just get to see more bubbles more often. Just every time you walk into the room, a couple bubbles go up, like

breeding you. A couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. That's what it's called. Yeah, it's called a couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. That's what it's called. Yeah, it's called a couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. Bubble dribble. So bubbles is my pick. All right. Who's up? I'm up.

All right, so you took the very fun, very happy and light bubbles. Yeah. And I will go with the far darker. We'll go with your ego yeah really you're coming you're coming with the secret yeah we're going secret thing at the top the number two pick we are taking your ego because it is fragile and it will break and once it is shattered into pieces you are left with nothing okay no wonder he likes the fart sniffer movies yeah look it's on my list yeah of course it is yeah i got to it first it was the first thing i thought

of when you talk about fragile things you're supposed to bring in the like the curveball later mike well i maybe i still will all right jason you got two picks things that are fragile we got bubbles and ego all alright which route are you gonna take I'm gonna go with something that is in my mind I have bonus points for valuable and so

what yeah why is there bonus points he's making his own rules no I'm just saying when I look at what matters that is fragile if I were to drop my plate yeah okay that's fragile it breaks but if i drop my fabergé egg that is fragile that is something that you don't want to touch you don't want to you don't want to move it you don't because of its fragility its fragility is what you know what's fromé, by the way? Fabergé? Yeah, like in 60 seconds.

Fabergé is the layers of work that have meaning, and then they- You got no clue, do you? I have no idea. What is it made out of? It's made out of Fabergé. Is a Fabergé egg actually fragile? Yes. No, that's a Fabergé egg.

No, I did Google that earlier to see, and Fabergé eggs are very fragile. Yes. No, that's a Faberge egg. No, I did Google that earlier to see, and Faberge eggs are very fragile. Also, how does that become a thing? Right, like a super expensive fragile egg. How are rich people like, this is the thing. It's a jeweled egg created by the jewelry firm House of Faberge. So it has nothing to do with Faberge. Wait, wait, wait. It has nothing to do with this. This is a brand.

It's not the material. It's from a Russian company called Fabergé. Oh, and they only made 69 of them of which 57 of them survived. Oh, so they're not making Fabergé eggs anymore? No, they were only. There are only this- So it's the scarcity. There's only 52.

Now imagine how fragile that feels in your house. There's 52 of these things left. Are they really fragile? I don't know. Yeah, they are. So they will break? It'd be robbers? Google it.

There once were 69 of these. Yes. You can see a picture of- Because they're fragile. You can see a picture of every single one of them. It like a collection of faberge my mind is blown i thought faberge was like paper mache or something like this i'm with you all right so you took a faberge egg yeah okay bougie boy what are you taking next next i'm going with regular egg. Do it.

Do it. I dare you. Oh man, that's a good pick. That's really fragile. Drop an egg on the ground, you know what's going to happen. It's on my list. He's tempted. I am so tempted. If only there were two more types of fragile eggs.

I bet you could find them. The yolk? When you're flipping a... Well, yeah, when you're flipping, when you're frying. It is very fragile. But no. I'm going to go with ancient texts. I'm going with ancient scrolls.

The paper will fall apart. It's so old, you can't touch it. Old paper. Old paper. the paper will fall apart it's so old you can't touch it old paper this draft is lost already this draft is lost wow ancient text I don't even understand why that's a bad pick

they are fragile ancient books it's not a bad pick it's just funny it's ancient text. It's old paper. It's what it is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it is fragile.

Ancient texts are more valuable. I told you, I'm putting an emphasis on value here. Mike, you are up. An old manuscript. The hard part is I could say ancient, insert any word here, and it is now a fragile item. Man, you should have done that. You should have thought about that. Ancient people.

Ancient bones. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jason, ancient eggs. Fossil eggs, man. That was your third one. Actually, those are no longer fragile. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Petrified. I'm sorry, Al. Go on, Mike. you got a pick uh so from that by the way i started this with bubbles you did and i will i will combine bubbles with my next pick trust trust it's a fragile thing guys because the second you break your trust with someone you're never gonna get it get it back. It can't be repaired.

It's fragile. It's fragile. Trust is a fragile thing. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You might be stupid, but you're not wrong. Andy does not like your pick of trust. What are we doing here?

What are we doing here? We're just making a correction to some of the most important. I made the pick of bubbles, and since then we've got ego, trust, Fabergé eggs, and ancient texts. You feel real dumb for your. Our lists are crushing, Mike. We're doing important things over here. Bubble boys. Now it just seems like what I pick is dumb. Yeah, probably.

What are you going to pick? Well, spider webs is going to be my next pick. Those are very fragile. 268 episodes for me to want to quit. Oh, man. Bubbles and spiderwebs. Okay. Great news.

You have another pick. Look, I'm going to be honest. I had trust on my list. Yeah. But it was for like another pick. Look, I'm going to be honest. I had trust on my list. Yeah. But it was for like the last pick of the draft after everybody picked normal things. Also, I had eggs on my list. You can still take them. You just can't buy them from the Fabergé company.

So, I got to make another pick. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Porcelain. Okay. I'm taking por another pick. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Porcelain. Okay. I'm taking porcelain. Okay. Everybody's handled something that's porcelain, and you know you're just a split second away

from breaking it. You can accidentally break porcelain just by setting it down on the counter. You don't even mean to break it. You just set it down. It's like, oh, it's broken. What'd you do? I put it down. Yeah, I put it down.

I put it down, and it broke. Which makes me surprised that our toilets don't break. Why can we sit on these toilets? Because it's thicker. So thick porcelain's okay? Yeah, like if you put enough porcelain together, I guess we're fine. But if you hit that porcelain with a sledgehammer. But don't you put porcelain like in your teeth?

Like isn't that used as a filling? No, that's used for veneers though. But doesn't that seem like the opposite of fragile? Yeah, why is it so strong in my mouth but like on a doll but like any apart yeah porcelain doll you're gonna that's very thin and any uh any of the like uh china like right yeah fine china fine china anything that you're serving is porcelain and it can break i don't know there's two types of porcelain that's what i'm learning there's a fragile porcel, and then there's the toughest material ever.

When you need something really reliable, like in your teeth or your toilet, porcelain. But if you need something real fragile for your food, porcelain. Yep, that's right. Or a mug, right? Almost all mugs. See, it's the heat transfer. Porcelain holds heat, I think. Okay.

All right. Am I back on the clock? We know so little of the world. You do. Well, speaking of that, so for my next, so I got it. Oh, no. What? He's just preparing himself for some ridiculous pick.

So I will follow up your porcelain pick with civilization, boys. Civilization. It is fragile. Yes. I think we learned a thing or two in the pandemic that we are hanging on by just a couple threads. And the second that one of those things breaks down, we're all done. It's fragile. Mike's got ethereal thoughts.

Jason has expensive things. Yeah. And you're over here with just. Just fragile stuff. Useful junk. Fragile stuff. Spider webs. Bubbles.

So civilization. Thank you, Mike. Jason, you have your final two picks. Okay. All right. Let's see here. What is expensive? I'm going to go with babies.

They're actually pretty durable. Well, I mean, it's a sliding scale, right? They are more durable than oftentimes they are handled. Wait, are you drafting babies? Yeah, oh yeah, babies. Babies is on my list. He just drafted babies. I mean, look, there are certain things in life you don't want to drop.

You know what I mean? Like, oh, I don't want to drop this fine China. Why? Because it'll break. Right. What would you rather drop, Mike? Between a baby and fine China. I would rather drop fine China, Jason.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, but what's more expensive? I would assume you'd save the China based on your priority list. No, definitely the babies are more expensive. He didn't say Fabergé eggs or babies. Yeah, because there's only 52 of those. So you've got to be real careful. So you've taken the top three picks of Fabergé eggs, ancient texts, and babies.

That's right. At least it's not like only certain babies. You included all babies. Oh, all babies. They're all fragile. That's right. At least it's not like only certain babies. You included all babies. Oh, all babies. They're all fragile. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Now I'm going to go towards Mike's list. Oh, you're going to ruin it for him. He's looking to hit the grain slam here. Yeah. I'm going to go with existential thoughts. The human heart. Oh, that's such a good pick. Yeah, thank you, Mike.

That's such a good pick. It's so fragile. You know, we can be hurt so easily, and our love can be broken. Our human condition. Say this with the utmost respect. That's an incredible pick. You two are idiots. That's an incredible pick.

Thank you, Mike. Oh, man. Thank you. I love your list. Are you going to flip it back and pick one of Jason's? Oh, no. My last pick is not. Are you done?

Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah. You got babies. I'm done. I got babies. Oh, yeah. You got babies. It's not expensive, but it's fleeting.

Miramono. So I got Ego, Trust, Civilization. And for my last pick, I will take sand castles. I mean, one wave, one misstep along the beach, that castle is crumbled. One jerk little kid. Yeah. Just coming up, soccer kick my castle. I mean, a frisbee and a dog.

All that work. Sand castles is on my list. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But somehow I just feel like the final one you picked was just the manifestation. Now I'm thinking of it deeply. It's like, oh, the sandcastle. It's much like the ego and the trust and the civilization.

It can be washed away in but a moment. Oh, man. You dummy. I mean, my picks are so bad now time what you got for us if you take us home close it out it's just the last pick make it a good one uh it's snowflakes how about that perfect how Yeah, very fragile. No two are the same. Least favorite drive of my life. Oh, man.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, Mike. It was a great time. My list is sensational. It really is. Jay, your list was so valuable. You know what else is fragile? The run of a podcast like this. You know what I mean, Al?

Don't you feel that on today's show? I thought it was great. Yeah. No one took glass in the 12 picks i have a wine glass on my list but i felt like it just wasn't expensive enough with wine in it though oh that's even more fragile but it could be worth more that's true that's true it's a very expensive wine uh what else do we have i have an an urn. That's one. Have you ever had a Fabergé urn? I was really thinking, like, what do I not want to drop?

You know what I mean? Okay. That was the base of the urn. Oh, that's the basis of the babies and the eggs? Yeah. And the urn. And your heart. Light bulbs?

I specifically went fluorescent light bulbs. Oh, yeah. Just because those those aren't they poisonous or something so they're more fragile you're thinking because of the poisons yeah got mercury in them well like the big long aren't those fluorescent that's a fluorescent yeah aren't poisonous I thought you can't like if it breaks you can't be around it or something you can't breathe it in oh you're thinking of a nuclear weapon. Oh, yeah. Plutonium. Oh, yellow cake. Yeah.

Christmas tree ornaments. I had ornaments on my list. I just took down my Christmas tree. Christmas ornaments now, like any of the balls that you buy, like the colored balls, they're all plastic. And they all used to be glass. So I dropped so many.

I mean, I dropped. i was thinking while i was doing it how much glass would be on the ground in my house for the amount that i accidentally dropped taking them off my tree i have done that like years and years ago oh with the glass ones yeah well those are those are little jagged murder shards it was so you had the you know the plastic container where it's all leveled but it's the one where it's like multiple ones attached together. Well, it was apparently very cheap, and as I was pulling it down, just crashed three of the shelves of ornaments go to the ground in the garage, just shatter everywhere.

And my wife comes in and is like, what happened? And I said, I've ruined Christmas. This was on the way to set up the Christmas tree? Oh, no. I ruined Christmas. Yeah. This was Christmas Eve. We were late to the party.

Oh, I would never. I think humans have been dropping all sorts of stuff for a long time. And all human progress is converting those things into less breakable items. Yeah. Yeah. We've done a good job. And that's why we've got to fix this porcelain thing. We've got to get the toilet, porcelain.

Or a steel toilet. The toilet and the teeth people. There is. Have you already used a metal toilet? I know where those are. Like in a park? In prison? Prison.

But they're also like at parks. You'll get them there too. Yeah. It's a little cold. Uncomfortable. It's a little cold on the tush if you need to, you know. Make a poop? Yeah.

Fragile. That's another thing. Fragile one ply. Oh. That should have been my pick. Yeah. Yeah. You two knuckleheads.

What did we learn today? Learned that Andy is not sophisticated in taking our- No, I picked bubbles, guys. He doesn't take our drafts very seriously. No, he doesn't. No, I'm sorry. He really, really needed to step up to the plate. I need to look deeper.

I learned that Mike likes fart-sniffy movies. I did not know that about you. I mean, I knew you liked bad movies like Blade Runner, but not fart-sniffy movies, which, to be fair, that is very similar. And I learned that nobody else in this entire studio here knows what a complete protein is, apparently. Nope. I was sophisticated there, wasn't I? I'm told that I should eat my body's weight in protein every day.

Really? Yeah. Your body's weight. No. Yeah. No. No, you're like the grams. Okay.

Weight in grams. 200 pounds of protein. Jason kept saying no. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to. Jason kept saying no. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.