Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 270: Search History Surprise & Things That Are Purple - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Today we talk about c-sickness, mystery search history, and who would win in a hypothetical superhero battle. We also discern the differences between some commonly confused words. Finally, we do a draft of things that are purple. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and Okay Yeah Alright I'm down I'm down for that I came with the P today Yeah no it's good

It's good I'm in Alright That was fine You were I thought you were a robot Oh yeah Yeah

Were you going for a robot I was not going for it. So we're doing a purple draft today. So the letter P. You just wanted plosions. Plosions. That was my motivation. And now we approach my favorite part of the Spitballers comedy podcast,

which is the furthest I am away from scatting again. Yeah. This moment in time right now. This is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat. again. Yeah. This moment in time right now. This is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat. Feels good. Feels real good. And you did well.

I mean, you have such a wide range of outcomes, all the way from the most terrible scats to kind of bad ones. Right. And that was just kind of bad. And so anywhere in that range. No, that was good. I like it. Welcome in.

I liked it. Yeah. We liked your scat. Thank you, guys. You're welcome. Thank you. Because I didn't. Oh in. I liked it. Yeah, we liked your scat. Thank you, guys. You're welcome. Thank you. Because I didn't. Oh, you wrapped scallion.

This is coming from Mr. Poodle over there. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting. You could have said poodle. I should have. It would have stayed with my plosions. We are drafting things that are purple on today's episode.

Thank you for joining us. Al Borland is here. what's up spitwads there he is there he is papa josh in the building as well gross what's up spitwads there you go and uh let's kick it off would you rather all right stefan from patreon says would you rather receive 1 million in cash or a 5 million dollar amazon gift card that's so funny that's a good question actually legitimate yeah you can't buy vehicles and real estate on amazon no so those would be off the table like they probably have tiny houses you could buy a bunch of tiny houses to construct a bigger house just saying but i'm saying in theory like the big events like someone gets a million dollars the number one thing they say normally is like, I'm going to buy a new house or I'm going to buy a new car.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So that might, other than the tiny house or like a bunch of e-bikes that Mike is picking up. But $5 million on Amazon is, I mean, most other stuff in life will be free for you forever. I'm looking up the most expensive stuff possible, guys. Are you? Are you? Yeah.

I was thinking, obviously, your groceries are free for life forever because you buy them on amazon sure uh all of your household items or needs of any kind any electronic anything like that free forever man that's so weird though it is a weird situation and you can't like i don't i don't think it'd be worth your time to try to buy and sell stuff. You know what I mean? To buy expensive stuff and sell it for 50% in theory. Yeah, in theory you could buy $5 million worth of stuff, sell it for $2.5 million, and you've got more than the million you've got in cash.

But the amount of work to buy and sell all of these things. So I guess you found the most expensive no no it's not what i found jewelry or alcohol it was someone at some point was trying to sell a four million dollar oil painting from 1815 oh okay that's not what i'm laughing that's a quick way to turn something over into i am laughing at so laughing at. So the. We are. Hashtag not a sponsor. We're all. We all use Amazon because the entire United States uses Amazon.

We also have a company Amazon. Right. That we use to get our products here. Amazon tracks things that you've been searching for. Apparently someone has been doing a lot of research on massage chairs. Oh. You don't say. Because based on recent views, we need to buy a bunch of massage chairs. I can promise you.

I know you guys think that's me. Yeah. But I have not searched Amazon for massage chairs. Who's doing it? Occasionally, there is a troll in this office who does search for massage chairs to include them in the what i want from the company like we have a slack channel where if you need like i don't know some more coffee you say there's so many massage chairs guys who's searching for these who we're all trying to figure out who's fine who's searching for these

let me just ask a follow-up question here, Mike. Mike, have you, let's say in the last week, purchased a massage chair? No, I have not. Owl, have you purchased a massage chair in the last week? I have not. No. Papa Josh, have you purchased a massage chair in the last week?

Nope. No. I, too, have not purchased a massage chair. Andy, have you purchased a massage chair in the past week? Oh, you have. Yeah, I too have not purchased a massage chair. Andy, have you purchased a massage chair in the past week? Oh, you have? Yeah, I have. We're all trying to figure out who's searching for massage chairs. I feel like I've been framed.

Maybe it was me. Yeah, I think it was you, and you just don't remember. Maybe I did some research and don't remember, yeah. Yeah, just normal stuff in our search history, guys. They would be. Chairs and rugs. Rugs. Boy.

Oh, good times. Look, I don't know how. This is a good question because if you had to like one million in cash or two million on Amazon, it's an easy cash for me. I would agree. But because it's five million, it's five times as much. Jason's right. You could take that view.

You could buy and flip the stuff. That could be your full-time job. Buy it, flip it, turn it into cash, and you're fine. And you're almost just drawing on your $5 million. Right. In fact, if you did that, boy, would you avoid taxes kind of? Because if you sold a bunch of stuff for cash, I mean, not that I recommend you don't report your offer up sales. But whatever you sell, make sure it's paid for in cash.

You could kind of get around that. Yeah. You're just selling TVs for cash. The first thought I had was like if you had to sell everything for 50%, you buy $5 million, you get $2.5 million, it's not worth the – I mean, you're talking about like 100,000 different things you've got to buy and sell. But then I realized like, wait, that's an extra $1.5 million to sell stuff. That's worth the work.

Yeah, you could put that effort in. You could just take the five and invest it. With five, you could live forever. What do you mean? You don't have five. Oh, the five is the Amazon. Welcome to the show, Mr. Search History. I'm distracted by our search history. Can you...

This actually brings up a good question. Can you buy ETFs with Amazon gift cards? Can you buy their stock can you buy their stock no you can't oh man no i mean you you could buy an unlimited amount of a lot of items but from an expensive standpoint you can buy a lot of chicken stock oh chickens you search for stock and you got chicken stock on amazon i just wanted to see yeah that's about right you could buy on amazon what kind of dividend and you got chicken stock on Amazon. I just wanted to see what you could buy on Amazon. What kind of dividend do you get on chicken stock?

Stock. I'm almost surprised that you can't buy stocks on Amazon. They sell everything. You could buy a corporate stock certificate you have to fill out and give to people, like one of those. I think you have to take...'re right andy it's just too it's five times the amount it's too much money yeah and i'm thinking you're gonna buy you're still gonna buy things the rest of your life so yeah i'm gonna take the five milli yes and you can buy can't you buy other gift cards on amazon so at least you can translate it into other there

we go baby you can translate it into other stuff. Like Roblox. Currency exchange. Roblox. I searched gift cards as the first thing I saw. Some Roblox and some V-Bucks. Yeah, unlimited skins for me. So some stuff that you couldn't get on Amazon, you could buy a gift card for those items. Yeah, like restaurants. You can go to the Olive Garden all you want.

Yeah, only chains can you get the gift cards. All right. I'm going $5 million. Mike, are you in on that? Yeah, I'm going. Oh, a bunch of Visa gift cards, too, guys. Oh, well, there we go. Yeah, we did it.

$5 million of Visa gift cards. Yeah, we found the cheat. Yeah. It's still hard to buy a house with Visa gift cards. Oh, man, that would be like. Sir, we'll be taking out a loan. We're paying plastic today. And you just drop thousands of gift cards.

New question. That one's $100. You're selling your house. Let's say you're selling your house for $500,000. Yeah. Would you accept $500,000 in gift cards? The answer's probably no. No, of course not. How much more than your asking price would it need to be to accept it in Visa gift cards?

I think if I'm selling a $500,000 house, I'd need a million dollars in gift cards. So it's the 2X. Yeah, I think 2X. And then you go try to buy a house. I imagine Mike is lower than that. No. Really? You'd need the full 2X?

So if someone offered you $ offered you 600 in visa gift cards can you take five you know you couldn't take them to the bank well then but i know but the visa gift cards are notorious of they always have like their little hidden fees these are guaranteed to work okay free yeah no i don't even know if that double works they do have a maximum denomination like they're not million dollars. No, they're $100 each. Yeah, they're $100 each. You can't pay your rent.

You could if your landlord will take 2X. So now I'm back to even, but I have a bunch of gift cards. Yeah, all right. Now, I'm just doing the math. That means if I'm selling this house for a million dollars and each gift card is $100, that means I have 10,000 gift cards. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for life. Where do you hold?

You have 1,000 safes. Just sell your house like a normal person. Why are you even considering this? What a stupid question. Be normal. All right, Matt from the website. Would you rather never get sick, ever, or never experience traffic, ever? That's an interesting trade.

I think it's unfair. Unfair trade trait i think it's unfair unfair trade i think it's unfair now maybe the the the the gravity of sickness goes further than my initial thought but i'm thinking like the older you get it will is this just i mean is this like big sick or just common sick well that makes the difference it's all sick if it's big sick you just common sick? See, that makes the difference. It's all sick. If it's big sick, you have to go with that one. Right. Oh, do you mean like big sick, like seasick?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Not like motion sickness, yes. I know what you were saying. You were saying like the big C, like cancer. But it sounded like, are we going all the way to seasick? Like I can ride on a boat. That's kind of the maximum sick.

Wait, hold on. Would it take away seasickness? Does that count? It's called motion sickness. Absolutely. No motion sickness. We're riding our. Do I get roller coasters back?

Yeah, you do. You get roller coasters back. You go on cruises. I will sit in so much traffic if I can get most just motion sickness which you will to get to those places that's fine yeah and i will enjoy every moment of it see my initial thought was you've got to take the traffic because you how how often do you get sick like just takes one big one i know i know i know i know like motion sickness yes but exactly but like if you're getting sick roller coasters two or three times a

year is that is that fair four times a year like once a quarter you get sick that's a lot is it okay i don't i think i think if you said or if you're papa josh once every 10 years i would say twice a year for maybe the average person a couple colds so twice a year versus how often are you in traffic twice a week not if I can avoid it. Yeah. If I never leave my house, I'm never in traffic. I guess I never have to think about that. That's a weird thought.

Because all of my, like as a very planning type of person, literally half of my thought process is how do I make this thing easier? I think about when the restaurant's going to be more busy or when the roads are going to be more busy. Like if I could just get in my car at rush hour and drive out to Scottsdale. Yeah, great. You got an airplane to catch? Doesn't matter what time.

That's true. You just go. I just think it would be so much more frequently used. However, if this does include seasickness, then you obviously have to take that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that counts as like you haven't come down with it like a sickness right i mean i did i go the older i got no not seasick i'm talking about c oh the actual big six that's not like you picked it up it's not

transmissible right i think you have transmissible immunity okay so just so yeah you can't catch nothing from no one you're the best you can't get covid no that's little c uh yeah it's little c um you can't catch anything from anybody this is tough if it doesn't include the big ones yeah and so you can still break your leg and you can still get c sick yeah well breaking your leg's not sick. Exactly. But you wouldn't get an infection. Okay. Oh, that's true. That's true.

So go ahead. Compound this fracture. I don't care. Yeah. I'm going to, I think I'm going to just choose never get sick, I guess. Yeah. I'm there too. Not that you don't handle sickness well, from what I've heard.

Thank you. Yeah. Wait, is this sarcasm? I think so. Oh, okay. Darn. Is this something you're not aware of? Well, I mean, I'm a big baby.

That's all I'm talking about. Yeah. I thought that was playing into like a family joke. I didn't know you were going to take it personally. No, at first I thought you were complimenting me. I just was like, oh, that's sweet of you to say, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What show am I on? Am I the butt of this joke?

Yeah. Yes, I am. Mike, which one? Never gets sick. Alright, John from Patreon, you've been given your choice of seats for your favorite artist's concert. Would you rather sit front row or be on the stage, but watching from the stage wings? This feels like a real, like Al Borland just personally had this question.

Being a man of the stage. So you get to be on stage, but you're on the side. So like behind the curtain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically? Yep yep or front row front row is a little overrated front row is super overrated front row is you're you're not i mean you're certainly standing for the entirety of the show yeah which i guess is a normal front row seat if they say there's no but yes under your butt there is technically a seat but if you're the

front row you could without being blocked you can fight the trend and say, I'm just going to sit. That's true, but also a lot of times those seats end up being kind of under the stage. Yeah, the stage is four or five feet tall. Not like directly buried under it. Is that what you're picturing? That's what it sort of sounded like. Dude, people would pay for that? Under the seat.

People would pay to be directly under the stage their favorite band is performing. Visibility, zero. Zero. You don't think it's like they're standing on a grate? No, there's no grate. It's completely blocked. It's completely blocked. And there's some woofers.

No, they're right above you. The woofers are there. So all you hear is... But to be right underneath your favorite band? They're up there somewhere. They're up there somewhere they're up there there's there's obviously yeah there's obviously something really special to being backstage you know backstage passes but like you're actually seeing something no one else can see you're in the show in a way and i mean that's gonna sound like crap yeah i mean the speakers are are out there

for the audience there there's no speakers backstage you ever been front row to a comedy show before oh it's don't do it that's more dangerous don't do it it's nice because the view i mean you would i would choose that if i had immunity from being crowd worked that's where you got to go to a big enough show. Like if you're at like a little comedy show, you don't want to be in the front. No, I've done. If you're like at Gaffigan or something. You definitely don't want to be in the front row of a comedy show with your sister.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you that. This is an easy stage wings, right? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. But I guess how big is the stage?

I think it's stage wings. I think that'd be fun. So who is your favorite artist? This says you're going to your favorite artist's concert. I don't even know anymore, man. Yeah? I'm too old. Yeah, I feel like-

You get to pick any concert right now. Just who would you want to see? Right now they're touring and they're not touring. They'm too old. Yeah, I feel like- You get to pick any concert right now. Just who would you want to see? Right now, they're touring and they're not touring. They're out there. Who would you choose, if you could choose any concert in the world, to go see right now, tomorrow night, you want to go see one, who would you see? Honestly, that question is different than who I'd want to see in a normal concert, if I knew this, if I could sit stage.

Yeah, well- Because to me, it's about production. In the context of this. I probably would go to Taylor Swift or something. Just to see that up close would be cooler than my favorite artist or somebody that is a smaller show.

I was kind of between Swift and Olivia Rodrigo. I'm in with the kids. Well, the kids won't be side stage. They'll be in the nosebleeds. Mike, you've got to answer. My favorite band right now is the Midnight, so I'd go see them. What time of day? Oh, nice. They only play at one time, Andy.

Noon. High noon. No one can ever go. It's right in the middle of the day. It's a big hassle. Nobody likes it. They serve lunch. Charles from Patreon. Would you rather have a fully functional Iron Man suit or the Force from Star Wars?

Wow. Yeah, this is a question. Oh, that's like. It's not a question. Wow. You got to think through this. Yeah. Do I? Explain to me. You do, because I thought originally. Tell me why I don't pick the Force easily. Oh, okay. question oh that's like it's not a question wow you gotta think through this yeah do i explain you do because i thought originally force easily oh okay i was like originally i'm like clearly

the iron man suit because you are not a super marvel nerd yeah but i could just like wave my hand can you fight outer space with the force no you can jump through it i think i could i think that's happened before you can't breathe no you can't but you can survive out there for a little bit i could be a guy i could be a guy in space with the force but seeing that freezing you have to remember to go through the progression of the iron man suit because at the beginning of the movies you know it's this he has to get into the suit then the machine's helping him assemble it so this is but by the end you're he's in full nanotech where he's like he's wearing the suit at all times and he just he had his face this you have to know

these things no i know i do know that i'm laughing at the fact that it became that that's that's part of the question nanotech and so it's like he just loads it up. He just pulls the cord. Yeah. And next thing you know, you're in the suit. I think I'm taking the suit. Here's the problem. And people underestimate this.

Iron Man would beat a Jedi in a fight. Oh, he would massacre a Jedi. Can Iron Man, if you're in the suit, and you fall to Earth from flying, do you live? Yes. How? You get get hurt does the suit take over cinema okay no like you're saying that the suit um does the suit lost power yeah the suit loses like what's the concussion protocol if in an iron man if the suit loses power and you fall you will get hurt because you had uh uh oh josh i can't remember his name now. This is ridiculous. Who's the other Iron Man? War Machine?

Yes, War Machine. So War Machine's flying around. He fell, and he breaks his legs, right? That's part of the movie. Am I remembering that right? And then he has to have the suit to. Look, I'm taking the force, guys. I can change.

You don't get a lightsaber. I can change minds. You can. I don't need a lightsaber. You do. You can change the. You don't get a lightsaber. I can change mine. You can. I don't need a lightsaber. You do. You can change the minds of the weak. Here's the greatest weird plot hole of the entire Star Wars universe for everyone always. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, Star Wars has plot holes? Now I'm breaking news here. Tread lightly. Every time they're in fights, it's like sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword. Lightsaber. Force. Yeah. Saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber.

Like, is there a time between force use? Because if you have the force use, or if you play a video game where you can use the force, you spam the force. You don't use a little light sword. I've thought that through so many fights. Vader pinches a guy's throat, but then he has to fight with a sword later. You have to be fully focused and it takes energy. So I think it's just like exercising that you got your, your force has to be in good cardio shape.

So wait, like if I used it to, let's say, talk my way into a club, that's just a little bit. That's just a little bit. The bouncer is going to be weak. So if he,

I was going to say, then the bouncer follows me and later I could still fight him. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No problem.. What's a high-intensity force use? Would that be like doing the SATs or something? Raising a spaceship. Yeah. Oh, so it's a weight thing? Yeah, it's a weight thing.

Well, that's part of it. I toss people around. Certain people, I'd have to take a breather. Yes. Yeah, it would take more force for me. Mass times acceleration. It's the force. The more we talk about this. I'm taking the Iron Man suit easy.

You both want that? Oh, big time. You're just so much a human. Yeah. I want to be a superhuman. You are way more a superhuman in the suit than you are. Let me ask you this, Jason. Are you a mechanic?

I am not a mechanic. Have you historically taken good care of your cars on your own and all mechanical things in your home? Nope. Okay. Not at all. So when this suit starts to need whatever, it's Iron Man oil and needs to be new firmware. This is a good point. And you've got to maintain this suit because guess what?

You're up there flying and you're like, oh, crap, my left arm. It don't feel right. You get home. What do you do? Jarvis is in the suit, so I'm going to talk to Jarvis and have him fix it. Jarvis needs fixing. I'm taking the suit. All right.

I just tried to make it work. All right. We're moving on. I'm taking the suit. I just tried to make it work. All right, we're moving on. What's the difference between me and you? I do want to know before I ask this first what's the difference question.

What would the vote have been from our producers on that last question, the force or the suit? Al? I take the suit. I'm going force. All right. All right. That's a good question. It is a good question.

Yeah, I can see the merits. I mean, the flying is really the – that's a really good point. Yeah. Flying sounds great. Yeah. I mean, it's really just like put those two in a fight. It's not close. It's not remotely close.

Yeah, I don't think it's close. You're saying a Jedi versus Iron Man? Iron Man could mow down a hundred Jedis. I think the opposite. Just crush the metal and you're done. Use the force to crush the metal. Crush the body inside the metal. Game over. You can see it.

We can fire missiles from very far away. I will stop them. Maybe. All right. This is a good debate, but the force would win. All right. What is the difference between a salve, an ointment, and a balm? Hmm.

I feel like this is going to take us some time. Well, balms are primarily, and correct me if i'm wrong maybe i don't know enough entirely exclusively for lips oh because you have a lip balm yes my cherry lip balm i i could see there i don't know of a neck balm or uh there is there are yeah there's a tiger balm that's a brand that you put on like injuries on the sore muscles. Really? Yeah. You can balm them up. Here's why I was laughing. Because I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I probably am, but I feel like a salve needs to be a little bit minty.

Oh, pepperminty? I think a salve has to, it's almost like putting out a fire on something. Okay, so it has to be. I mean, like a burn. If you've got a burn, do you use a salve? You can put an ointment on them. Oh, you do put ointments on them. Yeah.

But it's not minty. Don't put minty on a burn. What is the texture of a salve? I think it can be almost fully liquid. I thought an ointment was liquid. No, an ointment is like a... So I think this is a progressive scale, like a gray scale of consistency and viscosity where a salve is the most liquid.

And then an ointment... An ointment is like, you know, still liquidy, but it's a little thicker. It is thicker, for sure. It's like a thicker liquid. Yeah. And then a balm is like... Neosporin is an ointment. Exactly.

And then a balm is like, you know, you're going to need to scoop this out. Is a balm the same thing as deodorant? Would you call a deodorant an underarm balm? No. I don't think so. No. That's too strong. It's too hard?

It's too hard. It's too thick. That's a stick. You can't just scoop it out. Exactly. It's more like the consistency of a hair mousse stuff? Exactly. Well, thicker than mousse.

But like a wax? A waxy? Yeah, more like that. A waxy hair product. What's the word you're looking for? That's it. Yeah? Yeah, sure.

What is the hair product? Pomade? Yeah, pomade is more of a balm. Some pomades can be ointment-y. Sure. Consistency-wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a balm. Some pomades can be ointment-y. Sure. Like consistency-y. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a salve, a salve, somebody could run up to you and say, oh my gosh, he needs this salve.

And it could come out of a bottle. They could pour it right out of a bottle. So you can have a drop form of salve. Yeah. You could have a drop. You could drink a salve. You could drink a salve. I don't recommend it.

No. No, that's too much. No, but you just could. You could. I mean, you could drink bleach. Don't do that. Don't do it. Don't do that. Okay, we've solved that's too much. No, but you just could. You could. You could drink bleach. Don't do that. Don't do it. Don't do that.

Okay, we've solved that. All right. What is the difference between an amateur, a beginner, and a novice? Well, look. This one's easy. Is it? Yeah. Oh, thank goodness.

I feel like a novice, no matter what, sucks at what they're doing. They do, but a beginner means you have just started something. Right. You've only just begun. Yeah, you are the beginner. Exactly. Incredible analysis. And amateur means that you are in some sort of competition.

You're just not paid. Correct. Amateurs can be champions, but they have to be, they can be good. They are not professionals. But they haven't done it in a while. They're not paid. Well, yeah, no, I think they haven't done it in a while. They're not paid. Generally, amateur means you're not paid. I think you can get paid, but it's

a very small amount and you have another job. Like as a busboy or something. So you're like, I'm a part-time bus driver, but I'm also an amateur bowler, fighter, whatever it is. but it's a competition. It's not your career.

Correct. You want it to be your career. But you're just an amateur. Yeah. So can you, if you're a college athlete, what are you? You're an amateur. You're not a beginner, right? No.

You're not a novice. You're an amateur. You're an amateur? Yeah, it's amateur hour. Amateur athlete? Yeah, you're definitely, unless you're in the NIL and you're getting name image like this money. I don't know if student athlete is an amateur so let's break down the difference between beginner and novice because those seem like they're very close like

a novice i i agree with what you said in the beginning you suck a novice sucks a novice is like a beginner have potential a beginner has luck so you've got beginner's luck right like you're you're You can have skill. There's no novice luck. Novice means he's a novice. He's not good. They're both starting. But a beginner doesn't suck.

If a beginner does suck, they're a novice. I'm confused now. I feel like part of it has to do with like a beginner can just be can just be doing something quietly secretly yeah and be a beginner like I'm a beginner at juggling but if I go out there and I try to show you my skill and I suck at it I'm a novice yeah okay if I say Jason look I can juggle now and then I'm just throwing the balls all over the place. Have you been have you been trying to juggle?

Have you been juggling in your spare time? You talk about like you do something on your own, kind of behind the scenes. Have you started trying to juggle? I'm really working on it. No, I'm not. I thought there was a 5% chance that this is real. You always try to read my stories. The moment you perform your skill, you move from a beginner to a novice.

Once you – well, no, no, no. If you perform it and suck at it. Yeah. Otherwise, you're just an amateur. If I performed it, like if I go, look what I've been doing. Right. And I do pretty good. Can you be an –

Boy, you're an amateur juggler. Is there competitive juggling? Oh, you bet. There's competitive. You bet your bottom. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what there is in that world. Now, I think to be-

Also, February 9th, guys, I'm pretty busy. Don't look into it. 6 p.m. At the circuits. To be an amateur, you have to be competing. Yes. I think so. Yes, 100%.

You can be a beginner at anything. You don't have to compete. You can be a beginning guitar player. Yeah. Beginning. All right't have to compete. You can be a beginning guitar player. Yeah. Beginning. Alright, we solved it. What is the difference, though, between a game, a match, and a contest?

Well, clearly matches take place only in Europe. Right. They're more sophisticated. Across the pond. And a game and a contest, there has to be one winner? A contest definitely has something on the line. There is a reward.

But if it's a team... It's usually ribbon involved. A team can't win a contest, right? It has to be one person that wins a contest. Or an animal. Okay. You know what? Sounds ridiculous. He was so confident. He's like, no, no, no like no no no no I am not aware of the rules

But um Babe won the pig contest That's true What's the book Charlotte's Web What's the pig Babe No that's the movie babe

No Charlotte's Web is a different pig. Wilbur. Wilbur. Yay. That's one famous pig. Anyways. Yeah. Animals can win contests for being large. Yeah, but a team can't win a contest.

Is that what you're telling me? I'm asking. I don't think so. Yeah, I've never heard of a team winning a contest. Come on down and win the contest. It's one person. Hold on. Because they don't print a bunch of ribbons.

What would you call a competitive marching band? win the contest. It's one person giving the ribbon to you. Because they don't print a bunch of ribbons. What would you call a competitive marching band? Not a contest. Not a game. Not a match. No. Losers? That's what I call them. Professional marching band.

Come on, you losers. No, we get it. You didn't make the team. Oh, Jeremy's saying competition. Yeah, that's a competition. Okay, so you can win a competition. That's a group thing. Now, technically, the people out there that play tennis, you're losing

your mind right now because in tennis, you have games and matches in the same place. We don't have a contest. We play pickleball. We have the same thing, except better sport. Yes, much better. Yeah, I guess we have games and matches. So then,

now that Jeremy's brought up competition, so a contest I think is like it's real – It's not judged on a – It's like shallow. It's just like who has the biggest beard? Yeah. Miss Universe is a – is that a competition? That's a pageant. Oh, well.

Uh-oh. We don't want to start that. We can't. Pat's out of here. Like the most delicious pie. That's a contest, right? Yes. Who can We don't want to start that. We can't. Pat's out of here. Like the most delicious pie. That's a contest, right? Yes. Who can bake the best apple pie?

Yes. It's important, but it's kind of trivial. Like a chili one. Yeah, that's a contest. The biggest, best-looking pig. That's a contest. What's the spelling bee? Ooh.

That's a contest, right? I think it's a competition. It's a competition? Oh, it is a competition. I think so. Okay. Because it's a little bit more important. A competition is something you learned in school that you now compete.

Okay. And what's the difference between a game and a match? A game is smaller than a match. A match is the whole thing. And a game is a little thing. Now, I know that that is true. I know that that is 100%. Like, when you're in tennis or you're in

whatever it's like the game is the individual uh you know is the individual part and then there's a phrase game set match yeah game set match so the match is the bigger thing I have always had a problem with that I feel like morally wrong morally ethically I I feel like they got it wrong. Morally, ethically. I feel like they got it wrong. The match should be the small one. The whole game. You want words to mean a different thing? I want them to mean the exact opposite. A match should be a conglomeration of games. I know that that is right.

Don't try to explain to him what the word actually means. He wants the word to mean something different. Yeah, well, I'm looking for it to mean the opposite. But when you're in soccer, isn't it you won the match? Or am I just remembering the Zoolander joke? If the field's big enough, one game can be a match. Okay. So that's where soccer... Yeah. Because they play on a

pitch, too. They don't know what they're doing towards. Why? Is it angled? I don't know. What's going on? Is there a bunch of tar on it? I don't know. I don't know. Are they like... Their sound, their notes are really good? Right. I don't know. They're on a they are are they like their sound their notes are really good right we don't know that's not what we weren't asked that thank goodness do we have time for one more we move it on to the draft let's draft all right the spitballers draft you didn't you

didn't feel like you were learning enough there, Al? Yeah, I learned so much. Al was like, I can't take any more. We are all getting dumber. What's the difference between a good podcast, a mediocre podcast, and a bad podcast? I could show you a bad one. All right. We are drafting things that are purple. Things that are purple.

And Jason, boy, what a lucky guy with that number one pick yeah i mean there's just clearly the one thing we all want that's purple yeah don't don't take my pick i will say this um this is one of the most difficult drafts to come up with the list for because there's not a lot of great does that speak to society kind of neglecting this color? No, no, no, no, no. That speaks to nature not having anything that is exclusively purple. Oh, as in like God let us down on that color? I think the color let God down.

He's like, that's not worth, like, an orange? I have plenty of purple things over here, man. Yeah, I've got a list of purple things, but they're not that great. Like when I was thinking about this, like, oh, there's purple carrots. But that's, carrots belong not to purple. You know what I mean? Right, right. You have to qualify them.

Yeah. If it's got to have the word purple in front of it. Yeah, that's not a good pick. That's a loser pick. Yeah. I hope your whole list is like that, Mike. I'm going to lead us off here with grapes. Yeah, see, it's great, but that's a great pick.

But even then, I've got to be like, purple grapes. No. There's other grapes. No, grapes, I think when you think, like if you surveyed 100 people, and you said, what color are grapes? I think more come in on the purple side. 100%, yeah. Because if you were going to draw them.

What percentage do you think it would actually be? Like 70-30? But what is the percent of which grape is better? Oh, 100% the not purple. We all like green grapes. I'm team green grape for sure. The purples are fine. Yeah, they're all good. Grapes are delicious. My wife has gotten

into freezing grapes. Yeah, I've heard of that. Too cold. Too cold. Too cold. Is that what you have against... My biggest problem with the frozen grapes is they're too cold. He's got a thing against frozen things. Yeah, I don't like them. All right.

I don't like them. So am I picking now? You are. Thanos. Dadgummit! No! I thought for sure I would be the only one with him on my list. Of course you aren't, Jason.

Come on. We just argued Iron Man Super. That's why I almost took Thanos first. Well, you got grapes. Oh, this sucks. Oh, Thanos, you big purple monster. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm taking Thanos.

Don't worry. It's a great pick. It's way better than grapes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike, you are up. Okay. At least I can make wine. Do you know how to do that?

No. But I know it comes from grapes. Okay. So I will start my draft with a, I guess it's a gem. I don't know. Whatever. You break a rock open and you get amethyst. Yeah. That's a gem. I don't know. Whatever. You break a rock open and you get amethyst. Yeah, that's a gem.

Yes. Well, I wasn't 100% sure. What would you have called it? You break a rock open. What do you think an emerald is, Mike? A rock? I don't know. I'm looking at it.

Yes, they're all forms of crystals. It's a purple variety of the quartz mineral species. So, mineral. Okay. Well, if you go to the store and you buy a ring, you get an amethyst ring. Yeah. And that's a great pick. Amethysts are awesome.

Yeah. It is a fantastic looking rock. It's purple. Yes. It's a purple gemstone. I dropped the grapes, man. Dude, it's on my list. I like grapes.

It's on my list. I have it on there. I did the first pick, and. I like grapes. Yeah, it's on my list. I have it on there. I had the first pick, and I went with grapes. All right. You let yourself down. I really did. Hmm. Yeah.

That's what you get for putting food first. All right, and then I will go with more of an abstract with my second pick. Oh, boy. It's probably not on anyone's list. The deep thinker. But I will be going to take it. Royalty. Purple is the color of royal.

Given how short my list is, I'm totally going to allow it. That's a terrible pick, though. That's right. It's interesting. Purple is the color of royalty. Yes, 100% it is. But if you're drafting things that are purple, do you have to pick a purple robe? Yeah.

Or a purple coat? No, because when we did green i drafted envy how is we don't like your picks how is blue not the color because i mean of royalty royal blue ever heard of it yeah it looks purpley yeah it's blue with purple in it that's how it got its name are we good with this we're good with this i'm fine with it it's good by me i don't care all right i got eight total things on my list so i'm happy that you're drafted weirdo things um all right so i have a i have another pick yeah hmm well i don't want to be jason in this draft that's major regrets so i'm gonna take grimace for mc's. Okay. I'm taking Grimace. Yeah, he's on my list.

He's on my list for sure because there's just not a ton of awesome purple things. Yeah, Thanos and Grimace, that's a good tag team. Yeah. All right. I am going to. I'm so baffled you can't get purple things. Look, there's not a lot of great purple things. But one great purple thing that is on my list.

I keep hearing great purple thing. One great purple thing is Donatello's headband. Yeah. You can just say Donatello. Let's take Donatello. He's green, but okay, I'll take Donatello. No, Donatello's purple. Okay.

All right. Michelangelo's orange. Raphael's red. Yes. He's purple. I'm a little upset you didn't complete. You left Leo out. Leonardo's blue.

There you go. All right. So I will take Donatello because he has purple around his eyes. All right. You get another pick. Yay. I'm going to take. I think I'll make Mike proud here because it's more off the beaten path.

I'm going to make Prince proud. I'm going to take Purple Rain. Yeah, dude. I had rain on here, and I'm like, if I take this, I'm going to get so much crap. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my dude. Purple Rain, baby.

Purple Rain. All right. There we go. The color of music. Yeah, there you go. The color purple. Yeah. There you go.

Well, the pick I wanted to get back to me that is more than a headband, but from the same universe that I was going to go with, is Shredder. Okay. I'm taking Shredder. Shredder is also purple. So you're just going complete characters. So far, I'm going complete characters. Thanos.

But I do have a wild card for the last one. There's tons of them. There's tons of great purple characters. Honestly, without characters, there's just not enough purple things in the world. That's the point that I was bringing up. The world, the natural. I mean, God forbid you take purple flowers, Jason, to combine with grapes. Yeah.

Nerd draft. Purple sucks. All right. I actually kind of like purple. Purple is one of my- I don't like light purple. I like dark purple. Purple might be my favorite purple. Purple is one of my... I don't like light purple. I like dark purple. Purple might be my favorite color. Purple is now my

least favorite color. It's such a good color. As of today. Hmm. Hate it. Okay. As a man who would love to be royalty, that surprises me. Yeah. Well, he would wear royal blue. You're darn right I would. And no one would understand what he was. What is this guy? Who's this blue guy?

Alright, Mike, you are up. Two picks. So I get to close this out. You have Amethyst and just the concept of royalty. Yeah, I like it. It's fantastic. So I You're crazy. I have too many.

I have too many. Well, pick your best ones. Or take five. I don't care. I'll take these. Just draft my team for me, please. I will take, let's go. Your team's not bad, Jason. You salvaged your grapes pick with Donatello and Purple Rain.

That's not bad. Thank you. It's fantastic. It is, okay, so this item, it's a couple of different things. It's a disgusting fill in for noodles. Sometimes it is often shared as an emoji to, to, to be certain things. I will take the eggplant. I will take the eggplant.

It's very popular. It's very hip and very take the eggplant. It's very popular. It's very hip and very trendy right now. It's a widely used plant. Yeah. That's the word. They try to make Parmesan out of it and it's disgusting. I did make you two eat eggplant once. Yeah, it was awful.

It made me want to vomit. So, good pick. Mike? Yeah, I drafted it for the other part. Did royalty eat eggplant? Oh, I doubt it. There's no way. Because of how gross it was.

Yeah. Yeah, it's disgusting. When you own the city or the country, you're not eating garbage food. But you are getting fed grapes. Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Definitely. And for my last pick.

You have so many. It's hard to choose. It really is the problem. It's which character would I like to take. I'm going to take the Joker. All right. That's very purple. I will get a character on my team, one of the best villains in all of the superhero land,

even though probably one of the easiest to actually defeat, if Batman would just get his stuff together. You mean fighting a little flower that shoots water is not like, or like a buzzer ring? I mean a guy who has no superpowers and just continually, every time you arrest him and he gets out, he murders dozens of people. Batman, handle the problem. You're saying kill the Joker. I'm saying

put him somewhere where he can't kill people anymore. Alright, so you went with the Joker. It's a good pick. You got another character. I will go away from the characters, although I have... Boo! I mean, I have several. Yeah. But I feel like I'm going to try to get away with something first. Because when I was picturing

things that look good purple... Yeah. I want to go with the purplest because when I was picturing things that look good purple, I want to go with the purplest planet. I want Neptune. Can I have Neptune? Is Neptune purple? Sure. I think of Neptune as blue.

It's pretty blue. What's Uranus? Also blue. Is it? Okay, I thought that was purple. No, I mean, a quick Google is it looks a little. Maybe you've got a problem. I'm being very scientific over here. Is Neptune not purple enough?

It's pretty blue. What color is Neptune, Google? All right, tell me. All right, it's blue. All right, yeah. In that case, Waluigi. Yeah, you go back to the characters. I was...

I'm taking Waluigi. I was between Joker and Wario. Yeah, Wario. Wario. I could have Joker and Wario. Yeah, Wario. Wario. I could have taken Wario, but he's so yellow. He would go in a yellow draft, too, whereas Waluigi is pure purple. Pure purple. Okay.

I did some research. So, Jason, back to you. I was playing a lot of Switch last night. Barney still available? Barney is still there. Also, if I wanted another character Violet Beauregard Violet you're turning violet

But I'm not going to go that way I added a final one To my list Did we inspire you? All this talk about purple Is it Wario? No no no it's purple stuff Oh

The drink From the classic oj purple stuff from the sunny delight purple stuff is like heck yeah man you know that's just grape flavored water and purple stuff is delicious yes it is good yeah i mean when I say purple stuff I feel like Most all of our listeners Know exactly what I mean I would But yet I feel like One

Half of our producers Probably doesn't Do you both know What he's talking about I have no idea There it is Okay yeah The old man knows

Yeah Yeah I know And it's good Of course What do you think It's great They do sell purple stuff now Yeah it's artificial

Wait but they actually Call it purple stuff It's called purple stuff The drink I bet it's good Is flavor. Wait, but they actually call it purple stuff? It's called purple stuff, the drink. I bet it's good. Is it made by Sonny D? That is should be. Oh, no way. You can't besmirch it in your commercial and then sell it.

The hypocrisy. I don't know that they really besmirch it. That's grape juice, right? Yes, it's grape flavored water. It is besmirching. You took grapes again. You need to watch the commercial again because the kid's like, uh, OJ, purple stuff.

Yeah, that's correct. Ooh, Sonny D. That's the whole point. They should have goneJ, purple stuff. Sunny D. That's the whole point. They should have gone with the purple stuff. Ursula left on the board. Sure. I had bruises. Oh, that's a good one.

That's a good one. What about a raven? Are they purple? No, they're black. The football team. Well, there's a reason they made them that. Oh, I didn't think about teams. You could have drafted the Vikings. The Vikings, yeah. The Twitch logo?

The Twitch logo. That was on my list. Nice. Because not a lot of purple, man. I had plums. Oh, yeah. Plums are soups underrated. I don't know the last time I've had a plum.

It's been 20 years for me. And they're good. They're super good. Why don't we eat plums when they're so delicious i don't know are they never in season is there a plum shortage i think there must be there's definitely a plum shortage in my life plum all out of that i had uh the the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater okay yeah or the purple people eaters yeah them too yeah hmm are we uh producers can you think of some better purple things i had purple heart on my list okay oh that's a good one who is purple heart

what no the award the award for metal oh my god were you thinking superheroes he said in our slack channel purple heart goes undrafted you guys hate heroes and i'm going which marvel character is Purple Heart that I've never heard of? No, real heroes. Boy, a Purple Heart is a great pick. That's a great pick. I do feel like, whoops. Yeah, I took purple stuff.

God. Sorry to all you amazing people who earned a Purple Heart. To bring it all back, I had Mace Windu's lightsaber. Okay, because it's the purple one. Yeah. He broke the cannon. In this show. All right.

All right. What did we learn today? Oh, gosh. Did I learn anything today? You know, what did I learn today? I learned that salve is the liquid and ointment is not. I learned that you guys just overestimate the value of the Iron Man suit when you think it could be beaten by the Force.

Easily. It can't be beaten by the Force. Iron Man easily wins that fight. There is no way that a Jedi is strong enough to crumple that suit. Now, see, here's the question. If you are talking the dark side of the Force, perhaps. Perhaps. I guess I was thinking the dark side. Okay wait a minute that's a fair there are two sides to the force i get both i don't think no you won't no no no you don't get both you i declare at the beginning yes dark yeah okay uh

to to dive a little deeper here oh boy um i do not believe that the force could crumple the iron man suit the the i mean that's just it's I do not believe that the force could crumple the Iron Man suit. I mean that's just, it's too strong. Yeah, I mean it lifts spacious, but no, it can't crumple a little bit of metal. But, couldn't you just choke the person inside the suit? Of course you could. Yeah, that is possible. The force dominates a suit. Let's see, I'm

thinking about it. Who wins? RoboCop or the force? Oh, that's the force. Iron Man is like RoboCop suit 2.0. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. His chin is fully exposed. Yeah, what an upgrade. Let's cover the chin.

It's the same thing. I've never seen RoboCop fly. Have you seen RoboCop fly to the heavens? I've seen him walk extremely slow. He does walk so slow. What, does he have a handgun? Like, he literally doesn't have a weapon built into the suit. He has to pull out a regular handgun.

And this guy's like the Iron Man suit. Is the Iron Man still connected? Like, you still have that heart thing? Yeah, that powers the suit. Yeah, but it comes from your heart condition. So you're, like, kind of, like, weaker. No, come on, man. No, he got rid of the heart condition.

Yeah, he got rid of it. But that thing, if it powers down, he dies, right? No. What happened to that? The first Iron Man movie, he definitely died. At the first one, because he had the metal shards in his heart. Yeah, he got the shrapnel out. And then he got it out.

And then he wore it more as a crutch. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. All right. Well said. I learned that I hate the color purple. Yeah, you're not a big fan.

My least favorite color, purple. Get that amethyst away from me. Don't want it. All right. Ridiculous. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.