Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 273: Mom Mud & The Best Kitchen Utensils- Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

On this episode we face the unfortunate mom mud scenario, encounter a difficult mythical creature decision, face off in another round of BallerDash and then draft the best kitchen utensils. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That was loud, man. That was a loud one. It was like a tugboat. I was inspired by you, Andy. Oh, really?

What did I do? Well, a couple shows ago, you said, You know what I realized? I realized no one's ever scattered with their teeth shut oh right yeah i did yeah and so you did it you just went with that and i said to myself right before because i didn't have anything planned obviously wait you didn't plan that out no no no that was that was in the moment mike um i thought i've never scattered super far from the microphone oh and then you did and now i can't say that anymore but then you're like but if i'm far from the microphone i know that i gotta raise my volume exactly right i saw i screamed that explains my ears thank you welcome in one and all spitballers podcast episode two seven three interesting the two seven three no it's just

it's a lot oh you know it's a lot of episodes would you rather some baller dash on today's show and then we are drafting kitchen utensils which um did you guys come up with this one al as you take a sip from that, what was that, ginger ale? It's just a LaCroix. Okay. And no, I did not come up with it. Who did? Was it on our list?

Yeah, it was on our list. Well, I'm excited. First, you hear utensils, and you're just like, ah, forks and knives, spoons. But there's a lot. There's a lot to think about. I learned a lot of things are considered a kitchen utensil. Oh, you had too narrow of a mind. Yeah.

That's. I thought only like there. There are three. There's three things. Yeah. We're going to take one each and that will be the end of the draft. No. And Jason, with that scat, you earned yourself the first pick in today's draft.

And there is a clear one on one. Okay. We'll find out if that's true. Interesting. I don't have that opinion no i would imagine most people like you wouldn't okay okay that's weird because i what do you eat a lot of that i don't eat i don't think there's a 101 i don't think there's a 102 i don't think there's a 103 okay i've got before you the pick, I want to try to guess it. Okay, that's fair.

When I'm on the clock, I will give you the opportunity. Yeah, which, I mean, is revealing some other utensils, but I'm not really worried about it. We've all been in a few kitchens, am I right? Yeah, you're right. I'm right. All right, I would have thought, Mike, you being the man who cooks the most amongst the three of us, that you would be the most aware of all the different utensils.

I didn't know they were called utensils. Oh, okay. What were they? Kitchen items. Kitchen weapons. I don't know. I usually call them my kitchen weapons. Kitchen items. I like it. All right. Let's get it going. Would you rather?

Uh-oh. Very rarely do I accidentally read ahead, but I really liked what I was getting to. Would you rather fumble your mother's urn, spilling the ashes everywhere. Been there. Spilling the ashes everywhere. Been there. Or drop your future wife's expensive engagement ring into the ocean while proposing in front of a crowd. Okay, so everyone sees it happen. Now, I know somebody who's lost their wedding ring in the ocean.

Really? Yes. And they did. Did they get it back no no what they did but they did try has anyone gotten anything back from the ocean no i lost tried hard i mean they hired what a one of the people with the metal detectors submarine no not a i mean how do you find something yeah like a scuba team ocean bravo go look look if you lose it in the ocean? Team Bravo, go. Look, look. If you drop something in the ocean, the tide recedes.

Someone can come out there with a metal detector, and maybe it's stuck in the sand. So they tried that, but it didn't work. So you guys are proven correct. They were on the beach. They lost it on the beach. If you say they lost it, I know that's part of the ocean. I know what you're saying. If you lose it in the ocean, I's part of the ocean, but like. No, I know what you're saying. If you lose it in the ocean, I imagine you're on a boat or something.

There is a part, I'm going to break some news to you. Okay, all right. There's a part in between the ocean and the sand where the water and the sand, they combine. Okay. And a lot of people, they kind of play in that area. Yeah, they call that the beach. Yeah, that's where they were you know but like also like when the waves are up you're in the ocean when they go down you're on the sand now

and that's how it works if your feet are touching the ground you're on the beach no you're in the ocean you're on the beach so you're saying knee-high you're on the beach yeah absolutely no you're no you're in the ocean you're in the ocean thank you what knee-high now feet one as soon as your feet are completely covered i, you're in the ocean. You're in the ocean. Thank you. What? Knee high. Now, feet. As soon as your feet are completely covered, I think you're in the transitionary period. He's telling me that when all these shark attacks happen in the lower water area, they're all beach attack. I would say there was a shark attack at the beach. Yes.

And people will go, that doesn't make sense because sharks can't go onto the beach. Yeah, man. I am not alone. There are dozens of us out there. So wait, if you jump, do you go to the ocean real quick before your feet come back down? Yeah. I mean, it's not touching the sand. So wait, hold on.

So what you're saying is there is an area where I could lay on my back and I could float and not touch the ground. But you could be standing. Yeah. We're in two different worlds, my man. Two different worlds. Oh, man. You're out there on the ocean.

I'm standing here at the beach. You could be even further out than me where I'm floating. That's true. Rules are rules, I guess. This is breaking down, but Jason's just... Got to stick to a bit. Sticking with it. How much money did they spend on this recovery effort?

I would say that was probably a $600 effort to get this ring back. Man, $500 ring. It's sentimental. You know what I mean? This is not just the value of the ring. It's like, how much above the value of the ring would you consider to pay uh no definitely if you could guarantee getting it back if it was like your great-grandmother's you know it's been passed down maybe a family heirloom all right so so getting to the question i do have some follow-ups here pro tip yeah don't ever wear your wedding

ring to the beach or the ocean. Yeah, I agree. Really? Oh, yeah. You want to take that off. I'm going to put that out there for everyone. You can't lose it in the beach if you don't wear it to the beach. The fumbling of your mother's urn spilling the ashes. What is the etiquette on ash cleanup?

Can you use a standard broom and dust bin to pick up ashes. I feel like a standard broom and dust pan is the respectful way to go. I think a shop vac, that's disrespectful. That's putting her through, you know, like vacuuming up. Oh, that's got a filter sometimes. Yeah, you're going to lose some of that. If you spill it and you don't have a broom, dustpan, shop vac, all that stuff, and you go to the store, do you make a purchase thinking about your mom?

Like what she would like to be cleaned up with? Are you saying like you got to go like high-end dustpan? That's what I'm asking, yes. Oh, yeah. Mom can't have Rubbermaid. Like can you bargain? You wouldn't want to bargain, right? No, and I like the fact that you're-

Mom, you're worth it. Then you wouldn't want to bargain, right? No, and I like the fact that you're- Mom, you're worth it. I like the fact that you're going out and buying a new one. Because I think the most disrespectful thing would be using a dirty broom. You want it to be- Well, what if it- With all the fuzz at the bottom?

Just used it one time and then you throw it out. Can I at least use a dustpan that I already have but I wash it? Yeah, that's a sign of respect. Now, the question here, just so we're all on the same page, is the spilling of the urn also in front of a crowd? No, it's just private. Okay. I mean, it's in front of somebody.

Well, yeah, yes, yeah. Mom's watching down, very upset with you. She's looking up in this case. But so that's alone. So I could have this happen and tell nobody about it and just live with the- Embarrassment. Yes, the own personal shame.

Is that what you're going with? I'm just making sure I have all the facts. One thing to just consider. Okay. Okay, there is very little shame. You spill, okay? You just put a bunch of ash out there there is no way you're not breathing some of that okay that is a very

you know yep can wrestle with that thought because you know that's uh well you you came from inside of her and now she's inside of you. Yeah, I mean. The circle of life. That's what that song is about. That is. It's about breathing in. You spilled your mom.

That's right. I remember those lyrics. Yeah, you would. Ash is very, what do you call it when something just gets up in the air? Oh, dusty. Plumy. Plumy. Plumy.

Yeah. So, yeah, your mom would be pretty plumy. I feel like you called her a big lady there. I feel like you're like, yeah, your mom would be pretty plume-y. It's not. You don't plume more the heavier you are. Well, the heavier you are, the more ash you have. Yeah, if you have more ash.

That's what I'm saying. Some huge ash. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. All right, this is gone. But, yeah, look, I feel like there's a lot of danger here with the mom one. I'm going to lose the engagement ring in the ocean. It'll be a test of how much she loves me.

If she's not going to marry me after that, then it's a material love. Yeah, you had some big problems. What if you spent $25,000 on that ring? Oh, gosh. $25,000. What's your price where you would no longer choose the ring? Oh, yeah, that's it. Definitely less than that.

If it's $5,000 or more, then mom hits the floor. That's what they say. If it's $5,000 or more, mom hits the floor. Oh, they say that's it five or more mom hits the floor oh my god breathe it in oh i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna she was a bloomy lady uh i'm i'm spilling my mom no matter what okay mike uh i mean if it what what if it's like on the couch oh man i hope it's leather. I mean, there are... You got to shout back.

If you hit the tile, worse things can happen. But if it's like a carpet-couch combo, that's forever. What do you feel worse about, okay? Carpet-couch combo. You're at home. You got a bad cleanup, and you know there's going to be... That is a vacuum situation, no matter what. Yeah, no matter what. But buy a new vacuum. Andpet couch combo. You're at home. You got a bad cleanup and you know there's going to be. That is a vacuum situation. No matter what.

Yeah. No matter what. But buy a new vacuum. And a deep clean. Or you'd take mom on a picnic on a windy day. Oh. And it goes. Oh.

You know what? And you lose half. That one's. I'm fine. I'm fine with that. If you incidentally. You're fine losing half rather than having. To nature? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We agree. It's like. That one's fine. I'm fine with that. If you incidentally- You're fine losing half rather than having- To nature?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We agree. It's like, eh, it could be worse. You know what I mean? Like storm drain. The thing is, sure.

But the thing about the couch is, that's mom's spot. Oh, you're not going to sit there. Well, you will never not think about your shame. Do you have to disclose that on a sale of a couch? No, no, no. Comes with mom. Some mom. It comes with some.

This is mom's favorite couch. This is mom's favorite couch forever. I'm dropping the ring. I'll take the monetary loss. I'm the only one dropping mom? Yeah, you are. Yeah, I think so. You monster. Unless the ring. I'll take the monetary loss. I'm the only one dropping mom? Yeah, you are. Yeah, I think so. You monster.

Unless the ring's a lot of money. What if we're outside and it's rainy? Ooh. Mom mud? Mom mud? Oh, no. Yeah. No.

I feel like that's where I have to say no. That's where I have to drop the ring. We had this debate on the show earlier where you'd rather be cremmated uh mike and we would rather be buried half of us imagine look at all the plume related issues yeah that you'd be bringing to your family here's having to keep track of you just put me in the dirt okay here's my follow-up question to this because i don't know i have no experience with this they don't just put just just uncontained ash in the urn. It's got to be in a bag or something. It is in a bag.

Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I know. It really kind of ruins this whole joke. And why the urn? Why not throw the bag up on the mantel?

Because that is disrespectful. So you can really see her. That is disrespectful. It's not even a Ziploc, bro. Every single movie TV show that has had an urn with the ashes in it. No bag. I don't know if that's universal. So that it can break.

Because it would not be funny. And be funny. All right. I mean, maybe I'll write into my will that half of it goes into an urn and the half you get to play with it. Okay. You know what I mean? Get to.

Get to. Just do whatever you want. Gross. All right. This is gone as far as it can go. All right. Well, let's get to something more serious. Would you rather be a centaur or a minotaur?

Which one do you want to be well let's start with a what's the difference between oh this is easy this is easy centaur minotaur centaur is the you are on the the lower half you're a horse so you got the four legs you got the horse tail but then you have a human torso from everything else right the minotaur is you're like a combination of a bull and a human but you're you're all humanoid you are you're yeah what is anthropomorphic yeah like you're you're too yeah you stand on two legs but your legs are bull legs at least arms are human arms you have you're there they look like human arms but yeah i think you have hands then you have hands and then you have a bull head but But you're usually much larger.

A minotaur is not human-sized. Every time I've ever seen a minotaur depicted, they're like a giant. You're like a real big human. Yeah, big human. Yeah, like I'm 6'8". You're like The Rock. Yeah. But minotaur-y.

More bully than he is. If The Rock had horns, would he be a minotaur-y. More bully than he is. If the Rock had horns, would he be a minotaur? Pretty close. He would need a snout. He would need to be a little furrier. Okay. I didn't know minotaurs had snouts. But which would you rather be?

Yeah, you're a bullhead. It's clear the top speed is with the centaur. Yeah, for sure. You're a four-legged. And you're going to need it because you're not getting in a car. No, you're not. But the minotaur can get in a car. The minotaur could get the centaur. Yeah, for sure. You're a four-legged. And you're going to need it because you're not getting in a car. No, you're not. But the minotaur can get in a car. The minotaur could ride a centaur.

Not according to Onward, Disney's Pixar movie. Remind me why the minotaur cannot get in a car? No, the centaur. Well, I know a centaur can't get in a car. No, they can't. They get in the cars in those movies. Oh, you're saying. Oh, okay.

But outside of the lore of that one Pixar movie. That changed everything. That's canon now. Centaur canon? Yeah. You can be ridden comfortably. Yeah. If you're a centaur.

You can't. I mean, you could give a killer piggyback if you're a minotaur. Do you attract more flies as a centaur? Ooh. more flies as a centaur oh i have to imagine that both bodies are attracting flies but you publicly defecate with the horse one what do you mean what do you mean publicly you can go behind a tree but you don't wear underpants i assume a minotaur wears underwear. Certainly can. Can. Can. I can get a big pair of pants. I can't put a big pair of pants on a horse. Have you ever seen a horse?

No pants? So here's a great question for you guys. I like where it's going. When a horse wears pants, is it just the back two legs in there? Yes, yes, yes. Or is it like- No, no, no. It's not all four.

It would have to be all four. No, it's not all four. Well, the front ones aren't arms. They're still legs. It's two pairs four. It would have to be all four. No, it's not all four. Well, the front ones aren't arms. They're still legs. It's two pairs then. You got to wear two separate pairs. No, you have one. You're telling me that it's the whole body.

Yeah, and you got four little holes for the legs. So you're telling me horses can't wear shirts. Correct. But a centaur can. But they can wear a scarf yeah you got like a four-legged levi's and a scarf is what you're wearing as a horse yeah with a tail coming out now see there is a public yeah this has been thought about yes that's why i was but i don't think we've ever discussed people don't know if you should wear them in

several ways i mean the the if they're if they're pants number one they have to cover the privates yeah they got it that's why the back half is locked in it's in the pants just a matter of well do you cover the front half or not to me if it looks most natural to put them on only the back half see i think it looks most natural to put them on only the back half. See, I think it looks most natural to put it to where it covers the entire lower body. So it would go up over the body as well. I guess a centaur wears a shirt because they have an arm. No, they don't because they're shredded. That's true.

Centaurs are never. You would never wear a shirt with that body. Maybe a tank. I want to see a fat centaur. A plumy centaur? Yeah. Let's see if someone's drawn one of those. Yep.

This is not. Yeah. I mean, people have done it all. The internet has everything. The live Googling there was dangerous. If I have to be one, I'm going to be the centaur. Me too. Me too.

That's pretty awesome. First chance to really gallop. Oh, man. You could ride like the wind. I've been wanting to gallop. And I mean, it's pretty awesome first chance to really gallop oh man you could right like the one gallop and i mean it's where i mean you have a duty you have to like guard a a labyrinth forever you do get horns though yeah i mean i don't know true is that a perk i mean oh i mean it's a weapon you don't get to wear normal hats what are you you can hang stuff off of them who would you rather fight?

I would definitely rather fight someone without horns. But people get trampled by regular horses, not even centaurces. Centaurces. But the minotaurs normally have a bigger upper body. Yeah, minotaurs. And horns. They're very strong. Super strong. I'd rather fight a centaur. I'm going to fight a centaur

and I'm going to take it AT-AT style. I'm going to try to... Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. All right. Do we got time for one more, Al, or do you want us to move on mercifully? Let's do one more.

You got a favorite here? No. I'll pick one. There you go. Would you rather be a fighter pilot that's scared of heights? Oh, boy. Or a submarine captain that's scared of the water? Oh, that's so easy.

Is it? The in the sky one. Yeah. What? If you are afraid of... Hold on. Are you afraid of depths? Is that what you would say?

No, so you're saying you'd rather be the fighter pilot. Yes. Afraid of heights. Yes. But as a fighter pilot, you are seeing everything that you are terrified of. Lots of heights. At least if you're the submarine captain, you don't see it unless you choose to. Unless you've got a porthole. So I'm afraid of spiders, okay?

Right. And I have had times where I have visualized a spider that is not there and freaked myself out. If I am inside of something that I know is under the ocean, I am afraid. I don't need to see the water. What are you even going to see? It's just darkness. You know where you're at. But that's the point is you don't see it.

I mean, technically in a fighter jet, at least you're only seeing up. You're not really looking down. And looking down, they're like, don't look down when you're afraid of heights. You're seeing everything. They don't have like a see-through bottom on the fighter pilot. No, but you have peripheral vision. You can see out. Buddy, I'm holding on for dear life in that thing.

Here's what's interesting though. You're putting on one of those the horse like blinder oh yeah so you can't see i'm ejecting immediately no oh that's afraid of heights you do not want to eject that's true i am i think i might be afraid of depths i saw somebody on a on a reel talk about the coolest underwater bedroom hotel oh Oh, that thing is awesome. And they're like, first you go down this elevator. Yeah. Then you walk out into the room.

The whole time, all I'm thinking of- Wait, wait, wait. You're underwater? Yeah. You go down an elevator, so it's all- Have you ever been in an aquarium where you go underneath it? Okay. I'm with you now.

I thought this was like, you're in the water. I'm like, do you have to hold your breath. It's just an elevator with a scuba. Like three, two, one. And then the elevator slowly goes down, opens up. You got to swim out to your room. And then when you come up, you're in the room. No, this is your... All I can think about in those situations is the nightmare of...

The cracked panel. The cracked panel. And in the middle of the cracked panel. The cracked panel. In the middle of the night, you have to sleep. And at any moment, the water. I'm not getting up an elevator with water in it. I'm dead. Yeah, you're dead. I have heard of that, though, Jay.

I've heard a former astronaut talking about a training facility, essentially, where they're underwater, and then to get to the bathroom, they got to scuba up and swim over to a different area. They do work way underwater with huge devices that come straight down and keep all the oxygen and stuff inside of them. Yes. Like on the bottom, they go to the bottom of rivers and stuff, and you can be walking around down there. Yeah, when they're building.

Builders. Oh, just people. People that are searching the bottom of something. I didn't know if you were saying this was specific to astronauts. If I'm going to die, I want to fall to a painless death versus choking on a bunch of water. I'm going worst case scenario pain. That is the actual differentiator is when worst comes to worst to meet your fear.

Okay. One of them is much better than the other. I guess if you go deep enough in the sub, it's also instant. Yeah, it's an instantaneous depressurization. There's no falling. Is there any options on the land that I can go? I'm afraid of grass. Please don't make me a horse.

A centaur? Yeah. What? I don't know. What? I don't know. We can move on now. What just happened?

I don't know, man. Jason doesn't know. We can move on now. What just happened? I don't know, man. Jason doesn't know either. He could have just ended with afraid of grass and we would have got it. Don't make me a horse. I didn't want to be a horse. All right. Back with some Ballardash. What time is it? Game time.

All right. We are back with another round or several rounds of Baller Dash. Al, are you excited for today's game? Oh, yeah. These are always a good time. So we've got five prompts from five different categories. We all secretly gave our own answers to Al Borland before the show, and he has the right answers as well.

I whispered them directly into his ear. And he memorized them all. Identify the correct answer. Trick your opponents into picking your answer. Two points if you guess the correct one. One point if somebody your answer so uh two points if you guess the correct one one point if somebody guesses the answer you made up all right let's do it all right those five categories are to remind the people it's a definition a notable person an acronym a movie plot and weird laws so we're going to start off with the definition the first word is snurge snurge snurge is snurge to shy

away from certain types of work a quick bolstering of one's energy a small fracture that commonly occurs in roads or sidewalks or to laugh while drinking resulting in liquid exiting through the nose oh that's such a good one, I thought that fracture one was good too. And one of them's true. So what's the first one?

Shy away from? To shy away from certain types of work. And then bolster one's energy. So you snurge up? You get a surge. Yeah, like a surge of energy. That's one of your twos. That's Jason's.

Uh-oh. Andy's confused. Yeah, Andy. No. I will be the one to go first on this one. I'm taking the laugh one. I don't care if it's real or not because if it's fake, you deserve a point. I'm going to take the fractured one. I am taking the fractured

one as well. Alright, Jason receives one point because Mike guessed his answer. Thank you, my man. Dude, it's too good. It was a good one, right? Yeah. And Mike receives two points because both Jason and Andy guessed his answer. It was very good as well. You did correctly identify that Andy said a quick bolstering

of one's energy, and the correct answer was to shy away from certain types of work. So you... I snurged snurge i'm gonna snurge that all right did you really think of surge oh you bet you you bet and it was i i wanted it to be like that because i i don't know jason did one like that a while back i 100 thought of the surge of energy. All right. Move on.

We're going to move on to notable person. I got better ones in store. Okay. The notable person we are talking about today is good old Donna Griffiths. Donna Griffiths. Plural. Got it. Correct.

Was Donna Griffiths famous for creating edible cutlery to reduce plastic waste? Oh, goodness. Inventing and earning more than 66 million dollars selling Tupperware. Okay. A teenage girl who sneezed for 978 days in a row. Oh boy.

Or for inventing the breathalyzer in 1958. Oh boy. A lot of inventions happening here. I'll go first. I'm going to go sneeze. The sneezer. What are you going to do, Jay? So edible cutlery?

Yeah. Tupperware. Tupperware. Sneezing forever or inventing the breathalyzer. I'm going to go Tupperware. Oh, man. One for sneeze, one for Tupperware. How does edible cutlery even work?

Sounds delicious. I mean, but like how many bites can it withstand? I mean, I guess. I mean, you don't really eat your fork now, Mike. You don't bite your fork. Oh, I hate when people bite their forks. PSA, don't bite your fork. If you do it three times, they will just come and drag you off to an insane asylum.

Okay. I'm going to go. I believe that's not Griffiths. That's Willy Wonka who made the edible cutlery. Hey, whatever. I'm on Wonka. I'm going with the edible cutlery. All right, Jason, you receive one point for Mike guessing your edible cutlery.

Wow, we're locked in. And then Andy, you receive three points for identifying the correct answer, which was the girl who sneezed. And then you also had... Was it Jason that guessed the Tupperware? Yes, he did. So Andy gets three. That's a bounce back.

That is a bounce back. Three to two to two? That is correct. At the end of two rounds, Andy is in the lead with three, Mike with two. I've got a snurge of points coming in. We're going to move on to the acronym, and the acronym we are trying to identify is LHI. LHI. Is that Little Rock Historical Institute. Little Rock. Lettuce Harvesting Innovations.

Wait, wait. Bull. There's a bull. Lunar Habitation Initiative. Lunar? Okay. Lunar Habitation? Yeah.

Or Left Handers International. Okay. That's some bull. I'm going lefties. Oh, that was quick on the draw. What are you doing over there? Trying to trick people? I didn't like any of the others.

Little Rock Historical Institute? That's correct. That's mine. I'm voting for Little Rock. Okay. Little Rock. What's the lettuce? Lettuce harvesting innovations.

Okay. I'm going to mark down one. Oh, no. Come on. And then the lunar or left-handed. Ooh. I locked in Little Rock. It's too dumb.

I'm going to take the lettuce one. Whoever gets a point, that's fine. All right, Mike, you get a point for Andy guessing your Little Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was dumb. Jason, you get a point for mike guessing lettuce harvesting innovation and then jason you get two more points for a correct uh getting the correct answer in left handers international yeah three points to jason and one point to mike i'm in the lead baby knew it was wrong but all right i don't want want to be right we have a lead change here jason

is now in the lead with five and mike and andy tied at three okay and we were moving on to the movie plot the movie we are trying to uh guess the plot for is called fingers fingers is that a musical tale of self-discovery of seamstress Ruth Taylor, leaving audiences tapping their toes to the rhythm of its unique beat. Or his fingers. Got it. A pickpocket from the streets of Boston falls in love with an unlikely target. Is it Jimmy Fingers is a New York City concert pianist by day, but at night he works for the mob collecting debts. Come on.

Jimmy Fingers. Or a professional pianist suffers a catastrophic injury that takes away the use of his hands. Oh, come on. I'm going the seamstress one. I have to. I feel like that's just

too long to be on the back of these cars. That's what I thought, but then it was the first one. Yeah, I think Seamstress is the right one. Those other three are ridiculous. How dare you? Those are some quality movie plots. Do you hear about Jimmy Fingers? Oh, man. Oh oh man bad all right i'm gonna give whoever went with jimmy fingers i'm gonna i'm gonna vote for jimmy fingers you deserve to get one just because it's so stupid it's too long i'm going i'm going

with some some logic i'll take the seamstress one andy tried a unique approach here did he by guessing his own answer I was waiting for someone to do that I don't know if he convinced you Mike but he got you alright there's one point for you Andy gets one point I don't get the point for guessing mine? no you don't

Jason you get another two points for guessing the correct answer Jimmy Fingers come on man Mike's made up answer was very close to the actual correct answer. Boom, baby. Jimmy Fingers is the... Oh, come on, man. Jimmy Fingers, what a... Mike's made-up answer was very close to the actual correct answer. It certainly was. Both about pianists.

And when... This is not a joke. When I saw that the thing was named Fingers, I'm like, this is someone's mob name. So, should have stuck with it. I'm just disappointed that you didn't completely sweep guessing my answer. You were the pickpocket? I was the pickpocket. Falling in love.

Technically still anybody's game. Jason has a pretty strong lead with seven points. Andy with four. Mike with three. And we are going to the last round. Weird laws. Weird laws. Thank you. the last round weird laws weird laws thank you uh in seattle washington if a dog weighs over 25

pounds it must be on a leash in public spaces boring pay full fare on the bus oh pay full not be allowed on public transit oh diametrically opposed or wear a collar with a metal latch. Public transport or metal latch? Correct. Collar? Okay, so be on a leash. Pay full fare on public transport. Not be allowed on public transport or wear a metal clasp leash. Is that correct?

It says collar with a latch. Wear a collar with a metal latch. Okay. I think I know what I'm going to do. I know what I'm going says collar with a latch. Wear a collar with a metal latch. Okay. I think I know what I'm going to do. I know what I'm going to go with as well. I've been going quick. You go now.

All right. Since I'm in the lead, I'll go first. I'm going to go. That's a good rule, by the way. The person in the lead should always have to go first. I'm going to have to go paying full fare. You're too heavy. Pay your price. That is unfortunate because that's what I wanted to go with

but I can't catch you with that. You asked for me to go so so yeah if you guess that you literally can't catch me right? If I guess that I can't catch you but that's the right answer I'm going bust. I'd rather be right

with less. I'm going to go pay full. I'm going bust. I'd rather be right with less. I'm going to go pay full. I'm going to go with you guys. All right. We're all going. I win. Everybody gets two points for guessing the correct answer there. I knew it right away, too.

But do I get another half point? Yeah. Mike was so close to the right answer. He said not be allowed on public transit. Well, in fairness, he was exactly wrong. He was as far away from. It's the right vein. I know. I know. Oh. All right, Jason. Good job. You won as far away from. It's the right vein. I know.

All right, Jason. Good job. You dogs on to public transit. That would be a shock. It's not all dogs. It's 25 pound dogs. Jason, congratulations. You are the winner of Baller Dash.

Thank you. I think we have an applause. Very excited. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate very excited. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you all. All right.

Quick break, and we'll be back with our draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, the time has come for Jason to have the very first pick in our utensils draft. He says it's bona fide guarantee number one. And congratulations. Yeah, thank you. Not all drafts have a 101.

There's only two things I think would be in your 101. It's either, I'm just going to say them. It's either number one, a steak knife because you love steak. Okay. Or it's number two, a can opener because you love SpaghettiOs. Those are my two guesses. You see me, you feel me, you know me. What you don't know is that SpaghettiOs have come with the pop top for so long.

Oh, that's true. That that's just irrelevant. I've never heard such a stupid take. Yeah, that's bad. It's close to irrelevant. I've never heard such a stupid take. Yeah, that's bad. It's close to your first guest, but it's much more important. It's something that when you get hired as a chef, sometimes you bring your own. It's so important. It's hundreds of dollars.

You have one for 20 years. It's a chef's knife. It's BYOK. Oh, really? Yeah. Chef's knife is on my list. I'll bet it's at the top. What's a chef's knife. It's BYOK. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Chef's knife is on my list. I'll bet it's at the top. What is a chef's knife?

It's an all-purpose, really high-end, good knife. It's heavy. Probably weighs 20, 30 pounds. I believe that's an axe, sir. Bring your own axe. So you went with the chef's knife. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I just learned what that is, so I appreciate it now. Bring your own axe. So you went with the chef's knife. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I just learned what that is. So I appreciate it now. So it was not on your list. Interesting. Who am I without an ice cream scoop? I'm taking an ice cream scoop. All right, I figured. You know, one of the biggest problems in my marriage is my wife, for reason you know every marriage you pick a few

things choose your battles you die on certain hills and for some reason she's she's just died on this hill that an ice cream scoop is inferior to using a regular spoon what is inferior inferior dude does she will use a regular spoon and mind you that will bend the spoon sometimes oh for sure for sure it will because of the ice cream well it's not made for it yeah the ice cream scoop is however now let me ask you let me tell you why she doesn't i know the reason she doesn't is because it's something else to clean sure yeah as opposed to if you use... She wants to snurg cleaning that, and so she uses a regular... If you use a regular spoon, then guess what? You eat your ice cream with the spoon.

I totally respect that as one who wants to be as efficient as possible when it comes to cleaning up things. But does she know that there is an actual scientifically created ice cream scoop where it has liquid inside the handle which transfers the heat of your hand to make this more scoopable. She could care less. And what's amazing is that of all the things to clean on planet Earth, cleaning an ice cream scoop is you run it underwater for four tenths of a second.

It's a simple rinse. Yeah. But anyways, sorry. Which ice cream scoop do you prefer? for four tenths of a second. It's a simple rinse. Yeah. But anyways, sorry, this is... Which ice cream scoop do you prefer? Do you prefer the one that is a little bit...

Yeah, I know where you're going. It's a little bit thinner, but it's got the button that can help get the ice cream... Kerplop the ice cream out. Or do you prefer the big, heavy, thick metal one? Me too, man.

Yeah. You know what? Give me an easy scoop. The little, like, thick metal one. Me too, man. You know what? Give me an easy scoop. The little trigger? Never works. I've never had one deliver the goods. Yeah.

If you made me a trigger one where it legit shot that thing off into the bowl, it doesn't work. Just a little gunpowder and that ice cream will come right out. So, yeah, I'm going to go with the ice cream scoop as my number one pick. Nice. I did not put it on my list because out of respect for you. Have you ever tried to be efficient and then eating your ice cream with the ice cream scoop? Okay, you just solved a huge problem. Yeah.

You can do it, but it feels naughty. Feels like you're breaking some rules. Oh, my gosh. What is this thing? All right. Moving on. Because a scoop is a serving metric. Yes.

So if you pick up the whole scoop, your bite or what you're going after now is the serving. Look, there's another situation like that that would feel a little sneaky. Later, we'll get to it. All right. Mike, you are up. You got two picks. Spork. You're going with the spork.

I'm going with spork. Maybe you want to talk about efficiency. This bad boy can do it all. Look, it won't surprise you. My wife is a big fan of the spork. We have metal sporks. You have metal sporks? We have metal sporks.

They make metal sporks? Of course they do. And you know what? She'll constantly try to force the spork onto us on non-spork meals. Where I'm like, I just want- What are you eating that can't take a spork? That's her opinion. Is it spaghetti?

Spork. Is it cereal? Spork. What are you doing with spaghetti and a spork, man? Here's the problem. A spork is a fun name and it's a cute utensil. I'm not going to begrudge the pick but i will begrudge the actual item it's it's a bad spoon or a bad fork that's it that's it's you're

it's inferior in whatever you want it to be she wants them for ice cream too she'll use the spork for the ice cream scooping that could work work. That actually is a pretty good use case. Dang it. All right. So I got spork. I feel like that's a quirky Mike pick there. That's a good pick. I like it.

That's a good pick. I've got a theme that I think I'm going to go with. Combined utensils. No, I wish. The spork is the only one I know of. I'm sure there are more. I was trying to think of one. All right. The spork is the only one I know of I'm sure there are more The next one I'm going to go with is

A whisk I don't mind the pick A whisk is high on the list Now is your theme Five letter utensils My theme is words that are fun to say Spork and whisk Look the whisk is

Also it's a great utensil Do you like the big whisk or the little whisk? The big one. Oh, you do. The big metal whisk. Yeah. And it's going to have a big sturdy handle. Oh, yeah.

Sturdy. You're talking, that might as well be an ice cream scoop. I can't be wearing out my forearms while I'm whisking. Some consider the whisk to be the butter churn of today's culture, because you could put it in a food processor or a mixer, and you don't need the whisk. See, Al just said that. Give me an electric mixer.

I ain't doing that by hand. Look, if you're making two scrambled eggs. Do you also use an electric knife? I do not. I mean, why not? Carving a turkey or something maybe. If you make some, like, I don't know about you guys. A lot of people make their scrambled eggs.

They just crack two eggs and mix them on the pan, which I get. Yeah. Sometimes I want to make, like, special scrambled egg. You put them in a bowl. So I put them in a bowl, and I put, you know, like the, you know, milk in there. Yeah. And I whisk it, and then I make it. It's perfect.

Yeah. And I wouldn't use a mixer for that. No. It just needs a mild whisk. Yeah. There's a lot that no it just needs a mild whisk yeah there's a lot of things that use just a mild whisk i mean you're not you're not going to be making cookie batter with a with a little hand whisk that's true i mean they used to right all right there was not always electricity probably not yeah and there was always cookies all All right. So spork and whisk. So you've got like a little quick, fun team going.

So I'm up, right? That is correct. All right. All right. We've had a debate on this show. Then when the show was re-released, that debate resurged on Twitter. Oh, Big Spoon? Big Spoon, Little Spoon.

Spoons are for ice cream. Spoons are for cereal. Spoons are for soup. I like those things. They are versatile. So I'm taking, can I just take spoons? You can just take spoons. Because that's a better pick than taking a Big Spoon.

No, I'm just taking spoons. Taking spoons. Good luck eating spaghetti. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you got me there, man. You got me. But I do, you know, look, most households, it's in the drawer. Sporks aren't, other than my house, they're not in the drawer.

I can't believe you have sporks. I don't have them either. I said, no, nobody has sporks you have sports. I don't have them either. No, nobody has sports. She was so proud when she brought them home. Like, KFC is the only place that has sports. If you told me, Mike, right now, to save your life, you have to go get a sport, I would go only to KFC. You can't buy them at the store.

Like, you literally, if I go to Williams-Sonoma, like a kitchen store, they don't have sports. They don't have gourmet sports. I'm going to say you need to go to KFC, sir. I'm going to say I love you. Thank you for telling me. No, look, I'm going with, this feels like going with like one of the basic flavors in an ice cream draft. It is. But I'm taking spoons.

So far, I have a theme. Ice cream. Ice cream. Scoop. Yeah. And a spoon. Yeah. Allop. Yeah. And a spoon. Yeah. All right.

Is a bowl a utensil? It can be. All right. Jason, you're back up. With two picks. Okay, with two picks. Gosh. Oh, I see one.

You know, my next two on my list, I would have taken, but out of respect for what you can do, Andy, I'm going to skip one of those. but out of respect for what you can do, Andy, I'm going to skip one of those. I'm going to start with a very, very commonly used, valuable, necessary utensil that every family needs from time to time. But I learned. I thought that was the pick, man. I picked but. That was weird.

But I have upgraded this device in my life and i want to make sure that the people the spit wads out there yeah we knew we knew you had a bougie whatever it is yeah well it's not it's not very expensive but it is such an upgrade i'm taking a spatula but i'm not just taking a spatula. Okay. I am taking a fish turner spatula. Fish turner. Fish turner. Also, this is a crime against my draft, taking the word spatula. Spatula's pretty fun.

That's a great word. Spatula. Yeah. Say that again. Fish turner spatula. You can Google it and see. Yeah, you know what it is. When you see it, you know what it is.

Yeah. It's for turning fish. But it's when you see it you know what it is yeah i mean you might turn in fish but it's not there is no better it's a spatula with slots with slots but not just slots it's got a a what makes it so great because this was a uh the type this is a type of spatula i would end up in like kits for kids toys like this kind of spatula this is if you want to flip burgers the easiest you've ever flipped burgers in your life. Really? Get a fish turner. It's angled where it goes down and then out.

So you're saying on the grill? On the grill. All right. Amazon.com. I'm telling you, everyone out there. It's quite the name. Really? Yeah.

That puts people off. I know. It's like I don't cook fish. That's bad branding. It's terrible branding they should call it a super spatula is there like a whoa tell me more about the super spatula yeah it's pretty cool hey maybe i can get a manufacturer here and we can rebrand this thing because it's super spatulas no one go out and buy this yet wait until my brand comes out super spatula

is superspatula.com available? Oh. So Mike's picks are in shambles now. Yeah. Don't worry. There's more fun words. But you, of course, went narrow on the knife and narrow on the spatula. I want the best knife and the best spatula, my friend.

And you know what else I want? Hold on. I have some bad news, Jay. Super spatula? You're going to need $2,400 if you want superspatula.com. Oh, man. Now, have we verified? Is there already an existing super spatula? I haven't gone that far. Get on that. I need to know if my career needs to change here. here um my second item is i think it's extremely valuable to have in your home you want a nice one

and you can use it even for when you order or when you make it at home yourself and other items but i'm talking about a pizza cutter oh really, like the rolling pizza cutter. Because you can get your pizza from whoever. You order Domino's, Papa John's, whatever. You can still, like, you know, it's like the pizza won't break apart. Roll it again, man. Give me some fresh cuts. You want to make a cheese crisp at home like I did last night? Right.

Get that pizza cutter. Easy. Frozen pizza? Pizza cutter. Pizza cutter. pizza cutter is a good it's a good pick it's an ice cream i want i want picks associated with foods alike yeah that's you eat a lot of ice cream you need an ice cream scoop i eat a lot of pizza i need a pizza cutter um it's a great pick i i'm honestly a little mad that i didn't think about it Now I'm sitting here and I can take another I can take another basic I mean it's just sitting there

It's just sitting there for me It's a fun word though I think Mike might be a little upset Nah I'm going to take chopsticks I'm going to take chopsticks It takes If you can learn to use them You feel smart

You don't know how to use chopsticks? No, no. I don't really know. Not really. Not in a good way. How can you draft chopsticks if you can't use them? Because I enjoy the process. You enjoy watching other people.

No, I can use them. I use them on sushi, and I get it. I have to do the napkin trick. What's the napkin trick? Is that a napkin trick? If you butt them against each other and roll a napkin and then fold it over, it helps. It gives you leverage so you can claim.

Wait, you need them tied together to use them? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't need that. All right. I said I can't use them. They're impossible.

Chopsticks are, I thought that's where you were going with your pizza choice because, like, we have nice chopsticks at the house. I don't know what makes them nice. They're not disposable. Yeah, they're not wood. You know what I mean? Are they metal? No, they're probably still wood.

Yeah, they might be wood. Yeah, they're just not. But they got like a veneer that's like a strong veneer. I know what you're talking about, man. I feel what you're putting out. I got some chopsticks at home. I'm going chopsticks. Mike, you're back up.

I'm going to, I have two more picks to close this thing out. I'm going to save what I think is the better word for my second pick, but my first one I'm going to go with a grater. Oh, like a cheese grater? A cheese grater. See, I'm not in on that, man. Oh. That's just – I can't use a grater without thinking I'm going to rip my fingers up.

There is that, but I've made the switch. Oh, you go all graded? Yeah, I buy block. I buy blocks of cheese now. You buy block and you grade yourself. I don't buy the pre-shredded anymore. Oh, my gosh. So I oftentimes do not buy the pre-shredded.

But I eat the block. Dude, I'm not of the best part. You get to the bottom and you eat the block baby the best part of the block then which you you also you don't need the cheese grater you can also use the slicer is one for you one for me uh but the cheese grater takes so it doesn't it doesn't it does if you buy the size of bricks I'm buying. You got to get a big boy grater then. I got a big boy grater. It's called a food processor, and it's awesome. You literally, there's a cheese grater attachment.

Oh, really? I was going to ask if there's a powered one. Yeah, it's basically a powered one. I think most food processors come with a cheese grater attachment where you take the cheese blocks, you just cut them into big, long chunks, and you put them down, and you just watch this go. Oh, yeah, yes. Yes.

And you've got perfectly grated cheese. Do you, like, schedule time to grate your cheese? I just do it before I need it. Oh, right before. Yeah. Really? And it's freshly grated. And you're super hungry by the time you get to eat.

It's really not that hard. All right, Mike, your second pillar. Your knuckles are bloody. Yeah. Your cheese is. That's always a risk, but. It's not ketchup. What's eating if there's not a little danger?

I thought you said a little blood. All right. And the last one. Mike, your final pick. Ladle. No. I wanted the ladle with my final pick. Ladle's a good word.

Ladle's a good word. Dude looks like a ladle. Ladle. I wanted the ladle. That's the onele's a good word Dude looks like a ladle I wanted the ladle That's the one where I'm like That's the one where I'm like If you eat soup out of the ladle It's a little naughty It is

It's a little naughty You gotta have a stronger ladle It can't be weak cheap plastic None of the things that we are buying here Are the weak, cheap. It's a copper ladle? Yeah, it's heavy. You stuck me with fork.

I've got fork with my last pick. Look, if I get the basic utensils, I've got to be happy with that. It is very funny to take what should be the first pick, a fork. I mean, a fork is the number one most used utensil. Most used utensil is a fork for sure. If we were all sitting down for a meal, I'm in the best shape of the three of us. Not until I pull out my- Jason's trying to eat with a fish turner, a pizza cutter, and a chef's knife.

I've got a chef's knife, which means I've got all of your utensils. I've got a fork. We go which means I've got all of your utensils. I've got a fork. We go to war. So I have them all. Also, I found a $40,000 ladle, everybody. That's the one you get. Come on, man. That's the one.

Is it pure gold? No, it seems- Fork in the fork? Seems to be a hand-carved wood. It's really nice. Yeah, all right. Jason, one more pick from you. Yeah, close it out.

All right. I'm surprised- tongs is on the board tongs was it's a fun word it's a good one i thought i thought for sure you know tongs would be yours well i wanted to talk about cheese grating and i was very proud of it yeah his new grating situation we're we're kind of above other people, us cheese graters. Yeah. Okay, so I had left this behind. I left this behind for you, Andy, thinking you could get a ladle to go with your spoon,

to go with your ice cream scoop, to go with this pick, which is a big wooden spoon. You know the big wooden? Yeah, I know what it is. We know what a big wooden spoon you know the big yeah i know what you're talking i know what it is those we know what a big spoon is there's something about the wood that i really like cooking with and in addition to that a little uh life hack pro tip boiling water let's say you're making mac and cheese oh yep what happens when you make mac and cheese spills this spills over it just starts boiling up boiling boiling over. You take a big wooden spoon.

Oh, it knocks it over? You lay it across the top. It will not boil over. It doesn't boil over. When it boils up, it touches that wood. Science cannot explain why this happens. It does. What? It's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable. Just put a wood spoon across the top. It's like someone's blowing on the bubbles? Yeah. That's a lie of lies. That does not make sense. It doesn't make sense, but it does work. Come on.

You guys are setting me up to burn myself. Try it, everybody. Everybody in Doozers Alley, they know this trick? Has anybody heard of this trick? I have. I don't know about those two. Absolutely works. Yeah.

I will say this. There are limits to it. I have had it boil over once when I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me explain. It's not a perfect science. If you've got this thing on full blast high and you leave you walk out of the room forever and and it was already full to start i've had it spill over a little bit but 95 of the time it will not boil over and and you can see it start to boil up you watch it it boils up it touches a

spoon it says oh i'm so sorry person's there yeah it's like i did not mean to interrupt your you're laying on this pot. That is. If you want 100% hit rate, if you want a 100% no way it can boil over hit rate. Two spoons? You get a lid and you seal it. No, the 100% hit rate is you take a little, before you boil, you take a little like a paper towel. Okay. You put a little olive oil on it.

You just rub the olive oil on the top of the rim. Oh, it can't grip. It can't grip. It can't grip and climb out. That's 100% hit right. You can't boil over. None of this makes any sense. Yeah. The boiling water is doing what it do, man.

Yeah. Why does it care about a spoon? It feels like what happens is when the water really gets boiling where it boils over, it's the bubbles are out of control. And someone's just got to tell them- Is it popping bubbles? I think it's just telling these bubbles, get back in your place. Get back in that water.

You don't belong here, bubbles. I feel like I need to try this immediately. You should. It's pretty fun to defeat these bubbles. All right. Jason's final team, Big Wood bubbles. Alright, Jason's final team. Big wooden spoon, chef's knife, fish turner, pizza cutter.

I've got the ice cream scoop, the chopsticks, and a spoon and a fork. Mike, you've got the smork combo. Two for one. The whisk, the cheese grater, and the ladle. And there you go. What did we learn today? lot a lot i didn't know what a fish

turner was i didn't know what a chef's knife was and i didn't know that a big spoon is some sort of sentient which yeah um i learned that a centaur can get in a vehicle. I was unaware of that. How have you not seen? I've seen it. I just didn't remember. Sometimes we learn things again, Mike. And I learned that the bigger you are, the bigger the plume. Ain't that the truth, brother?

My plume's getting bigger by the day. Yes, it is. That'll do it. I want to leave my family a lot. In case they want to spill me a couple times goodbye everybody goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast

to see what other nonsense the guys are up to