Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 274: Soundproof Baby Boxes & Toy Store Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

On today’s show we become professional Quidditch players, patent baby boxes, go to battle over brownies and play a brand new game called Change my Mind, then have a Toy Store Battle Royal. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Badingi Yes There's no volume there You're going to have to crank that in post I'll do it I think I whistled

I could hear nothing You blew on the microphone at least I feel I feel like I feel like you cheated the system and you got out of a scat. You can hear that, right? Yeah. That's what I was doing. We heard your whistle.

We heard it. And then I ended with Badingi. It's been a minute. Tremendous. Tremendous start to the show. Well, once you're in it, I realized immediately that i couldn't hear the whistle at all yeah but then i'm like what am i supposed to do that's all i'm doing keep keep going uh welcome to the spitballers keep on keeping on that's how you cheat a scat jason i will learn from the best whistle next time no because you're a copycat

yeah copycat then what am i supposed to Yeah, just that there are innovative ways. Yeah, be creative. Okay. Would you rather... I'm going to play the drums next time. Would you rather... And a new segment today changed my mind. Oh, a new one.

We'll break out a new segment on today's show. Then we'll go to a draft where we are entering a toy store where we will have a battle royale in today's draft. It's going to be pretty fun, I think. If that whistle says anything about today's show, it's going to be a good time. Al Borland is here. What's up, Spitwads?

And he's going to help us along in that Change My Mind segment. I think everyone's going to really enjoy it. You can follow the show over on X slash Twitter. At SpitballersPod is where you can follow the show and all of the social media handles. You can search for SpitballersPod over there. Let's kick it off with some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Would you rather be a world famous Quidditch player?

Oh, done deal. Hold on. Or a world famous pod racer, which would be a reference to The Phantom Menace. Yes, that would be Star Wars. Now, when I first read this, I... Like, people play Quidditch now, and it is very close to LARPing. I mean, you can't fly.

Yeah. And so you're running around... Very close, I would say it is, in fact, LARPing. It's a sport that they've reinvented for the unable to fly. It's a sport created in a fantasy world, and people pretend like they can play it. So it is fully LARPing? Even though they keep score, it doesn't matter to you? Yeah, and I'm not shaming these people.

I'm just saying it is LARPing. LARPing means live-action role play. If you were doing a Civil War reenactment, or let's just say a fantasy battle on a big you know, everybody's dressed up as witches and wizards or whatever. Right. But if there was skill to it, to win or lose, I feel like

it makes it better. Yeah, it definitely makes it better. Which is what the Quidditch thing does. That's why I said almost larping. But, you're saying basically. Listen to Harry Potter nerd over here try and defend does that's why i say almost larpy but you're saying basically listen to harry potter nerd over here try and defend his world like like you aren't just a bunch of nerds well you wear uniforms still a sport it is not a sport we play pickleball we play with little wiffle balls and we put a net up and we keep score and their skill skill. Like, I don't hear what I'm not saying.

Those out there who are playing the real live action version, non-flying because it's real life version of Quidditch, super nerds, super nerds. You're nerds. And they're happy to be nerds. They know it. But it's still a sport. It's a game.

It's an activity. It's strategic. Somebody wins because they're better than you. Yeah, exactly. Look, let me get back to where. So I thought we were talking about real sports, but obviously this is being a real Quidditch player or a real pod racer. I would vomit everywhere if I was racing those pods.

It seems like 80% to 90% of them blow up pretty quickly in the middle of the race. Usually, if there's 10 racers, there's two that finish the race. It's quidditch by a mile. By one billion. I mean, I don't even want to be a pod racer. No, I would opt out. If that was a real thing, those pods are real, this course is there, and it's like, hey, we built it.

You won the ticket. You get to race one of those pods. You wouldn't want to do it? I'd say I ain't doing that. Are you crazy? You don't want to go fast? I don't want to go fast in one of those uncontrollable pods through a canyon of falling brick with shady other people who are using their little trick pod racers to destroy mine. I am OT.

You want to be in the thing where there's shady characters in the stands casting spells on you, and you fall out the sky. I think we were both rooting for him not to know that part of the story. Yeah, but I want to fly. No, there's no no snitch there's no snitch in the uh real quidditch there's no but what about quaffles or bludgers i don't think there's a lot of bludgeoning either i'm not sure no bludgers sorry according to this wiki how that i'm looking at how to play muggle quidditch i mean a quaffle looks like a volleyball. Just enjoy your D&D, Mike.

All right? No, the D&D people, we're coming for you. So are you taking pod racing? So I'm still, I was too busy making fun of the nerds to, like Jason, to like, are we like putting ourselves temporarily in that world? Yes. Okay. So I get, oh man. Like putting ourselves temporarily in that world? Yes. Okay.

So I get... Oh, man. I think... I'm going... Join us. Join us. I'm going pod racer. You're going to die? Maybe.

Yeah. Maybe. All right. But you can fall off a broom. I'm sturdy. I can hold on. He's just hanging. We're back to the argument of how long do you think you can hold yourself up without falling?

I can hang long enough for one of my teammates to come with their broom and say, hop on. Maybe. Would you rather have to listen to a barking dog for eight hours a day or a crying baby for eight hours? Oh, man. If you had said a crying dog for eight hours, that would have been worse. I mean, a barking dog to me is doing what it... It's bad for me, but it's doing what it wants to do. Whereas a crying baby is...

The baby's doing what it wants to do. No, the baby's crying for a reason. It could be they're hungry. It could be be they're tired it could be they want their poopy they want their parents so to me the baby needs something so hearing a baby cry for eight hours and not being able to intervene i'm going to be like that's going to make me suffer more mentally because i'm like that baby for eight hours needed me. That dog does not need me. It's someone else's baby. It's well, what's a bark?

It's barking because it sees you. Yeah, it's barking because it hears something. It thinks someone's outside. It's barking because it's just wanting to communicate. My kids go play in this dirt field near our house and you would think dogs could learn things, but they just play they ride their bikes in this field and a hundred percent of every second that they ride their bikes a neighboring dog sits at the fence and barks as loud as it can bark they've named the dog i don't

remember what the name is some dumb name for the dumb dog but that it's just it's not it doesn't need nothing it just wants to annoy you unfortunately i have two dogs and one of them is the neighborhood watchdog i know it's that's embarrassing it's do people no we haven't we haven't had people because there's other dogs that bark but so your neighbors all hate you they just don't talk about it possible right very possible probably and uh and my dog daisy and she also she has different barks like there's like a a deep loud bark compared to her warning bark which is it is so high-pitched. You can tell what a warning bark is. It's nonstop. She often will do this when her brother dog gets into mischief. He's the dumb dog who just does whatever he wants, and if he's somewhere he's not supposed to be, she freaks out.

And it is the worst sound of all time. So I would have to take a baby crying over that particular bark. If it's a regular dog bark i'm probably still taking that one i get a baby cry is it drives drives me why baby cry it's been a while now it's been a minute since we've really dealt with baby cry but there is a there's a timer yeah it goes off where no matter how patient calm collected prepared mentally fortified for that moment i know that this cry is going to come and i maybe i need to let this baby cry you hit a wall yeah you hit a wall and you go you you you just break it breaks you i mean with this is another shut up baby just just you're you're

going you can't possibly take the baby cry i don't know what kind of dog bark your daisy's warning bark is but it can't be worse than what my blood pressure is gonna do when after 10 minutes after 20 minutes after 30 minutes of this baby crying, this baby in need, the dog, as soon as this eight hours is up, gets the front door opened and the leash taken off, and I say, sayonara, you can't do that with a baby. But not again for eight hours. Now, do you feel worse yelling at a barking dog or

yelling at a baby oh we're yelling at a baby i'll yell at the dog me and that dog gonna have a fight a verbal fight but for eight hours you were yelling at that baby for sure yeah and i'm not gonna do that yeah he's saying he won't do that. I will yell at that dog. Although the dog would kind of probably at that stage understand that you don't like what they're doing more than the baby. Yeah, but the dog will just keep repeating things. No, you're not understanding me. There is imminent danger. Yeah, look, both of them stink.

And once we had kids and we went through baby phase, I would be on like a, you know, a plane and I'd see a family and they'd have a crying baby. And I had a lot of compassion. Yeah. You feel bad. I'm just like, we get it. That's what, you know, you give them that line.

Don't worry about it. Been there, you know, whatever. There's still a limit. Like you give them that, like, don't worry about it. And I can brush it off for longer than most people on that plane. But you still, like if it's 30, 40 minutes, I'm like, shut the baby up. I've also found out that there is a threshold of time post having your own baby where the empathy goes away. You know, the angry old people that are like, who is bringing a baby on a plane?

I'm getting close, guys. You're getting close? I'm getting close. You drug that baby up. Oh, really? You give getting close? I'm getting close. You drug that baby up. Oh, really? You give that baby Benadryl. Do you bring the baby Benadryl, other people's babies? Oh, I'm going to start.

Another five years, I'll be bringing baby Benadryl onto planes just in case. Just throw on the noise-canceling headphones. Yeah, that's a good option. That's another option. Would you rather... Or drug the little baby. They can't fly in the cargo hold, right? Babies?

No, I don't think they would take the cold. I don't know if it's temperature control. You can't pay them to move other people's babies to the cargo hold. There should be a baby box on plane. Oh, no. No, no, no. Like, really nice.

But it's fun. It's got toys in it. Yeah, it's like a little. Soundproof. Think about where you put your luggage, right? Right. So you put your luggage. So far, not compelling.

No, no. So there's a container like that, right? Inside, it's nice and padded. It's comfy. And there's a little five-point harness so the baby, you know, if turbulence or whatever, it's going to be okay. I was going to ask about that. Okay.

You can put some toys in there. On the top, it's a mirror. Baby gets to see baby. Baby gets to, you know, baby can either sleep or baby gets to see baby. There's toys in there. It's soft. It's safe. There's snacks?

No, no snacks. You don't want a choky baby without protection. But most important, it's soundproof. It is 100% soundproof. It's just a soundproof baby box. Soundproof baby box. You close that thing and you can't hear nothing. See you in five hours.

See you in five hours. That's exactly right. Now, here's the thing. When that five hours is up, I know that my baby had a wonderful flight. Yeah. That's how I choose to see it. Yep. Because you're going to open that door and the sonic boom that will erupt from all the crying babies will destroy you.

Or they've fallen asleep. They passed out after three hours of crying. And being jostled around. They passed out after three hours of crying. And being jostled around. The only way I'm on board with that is if the flight attendants have the ability to put babies in the box if they don't behave. Oh. So they can say, one more time out of you, you get the baby box.

That's frightening. Would you rather have to boo every kid other than yours at a sporting event? Oh, brutal. Or fart loudly every time the pastor begins to pray. Have you ever seen the video of the mom booing the girl at the free throw line? No. It's not booing. It's the young lady, the free throw, dribbles, prepares, shoots, misses everything.

Air ball. Yes. but the best part and then the film like you hear a couple people like you're the what are you doing it's like i'm her mom it's it was a mom that's but it's very funny that's okay then that's totally okay so you have to boo every other kid which will get you beaten up. Yes. Or fart loudly every time the pastor starts to pray. Which will get some chuckles. As you see, I think I can get chuckles on that one for at least five, six straight times. My. Until somebody finally has to come up to you and go like, listen, don't fart during the

pastor's prayer. Pastor's prayer. Do you. Just clench. Do you cut it loose And then scream who farted Or do you just sit And in the echoing No you ignore it

You might look around You know what I mean You fart and go You imply That's rude You don't do like a forgive me father Oh just like the sign of the cross I guess you have to be in like You don't do like a forgive me, Father? Oh, just like the sign of the cross?

I guess you have to be in like if you're in a Catholic mass. Bless this fart. Forgive me, Father, for I had some Chipotle. I guess we're all going fart. Yeah, there's no way. We're not booing other people's kids. No. So my son had his. I will judge them silently like an adult

yeah my son like no you're not wrong like like a real grown-up because my son had his first um of this season basketball practice yesterday and they're they're you know uh fourth and fifth graders that's the age of of this uh basketball team and they're. That's the age of this basketball team. And they're about 75% through the practice. And then the other kids start coming in that are going to be, you know, the next hour of practice after this one. And so the gym is starting to pack up. And then there's this little, an older kid, probably, you know,

three or four years older than our team, who's just sitting watching, waiting for his practice to start. And this little jerk, this little jerk, I wanted, I was like, this little jerk. Baby box. Yeah, he needed a big boy box. This little guy, he's just loudly talking about everything they're doing wrong. Oh my God. You know, it's like, oh, no. He's like, come on.

Why don't you take that to the hoop he's laughing at this the way this guy's shooting at the hoop it's like a junior higher laughing junior high jerk and i what a turn when he i want i shot him daggers with my eyes yeah i did the like are you kidding me now he never saw he never saw me. This kid was oblivious. He was in his own world of judgment. But just feeling that and hearing, I was like the one person near enough to him that could hear him just calling out all these other kids for their failures. And I was like, that's unacceptable.

Now, you stuck around for his practice, right? Yeah. And I gave it to him. What probably happened is his dad showed up to the practice and started doing that to him. No, that kid does not. Oh, he's perfect? No, no, no. That kid's parents were not there. I promise.

That was a drop-off situation. Kid with a mouth like that. Let me just break from this kid. Our kid's the worst. Sorry, everybody. Maybe your kid's the worst because you're dropping him off. Go to his practice. Oh, my gosh.

They weren't the kid. All right, so look, we're going fart there. Would you rather have to change jobs every two years or have to move every two years? Ooh. I love my job, and i love switching houses this is a fun one yeah i was gonna say like i don't know like how often have you like if you averaged out how often you've moved over the last 15 years i don't i'm probably over the last 15 i'm at half a move you're at half a move i'm probably you'm at half a move. You're at half a move. I'm probably- Wait, you're at half a move, meaning I've been in two houses over the last 20 years.

Wow. Yeah, that's one move. So- I would be- Oh, I see what you're saying. The average. Yes. I think I've been in four.

So that would put me at about maybe three, four years a move. One. Two. Oh, man. Here he comes. Three. Moving on. Four.

Five. Oh, no. Six. Seven. Boogtacular. Seven. I've been in seven. Here's the problem with that.

That's the, like, you're almost a- Over the last 10 years? No, not 10. 15, okay. seven here's the problem with that that's the like you're almost over the last 10 years no not to be fair to that to get to seven it would have been like 17 years yeah i mean that's a lot and that's like that's almost like a renter situation where if you move that much it's like why do you you don't want to work on nothing in your house because you're about to give it up yeah exactly i mean you put a i know on one you put a really nice brand new pool and a new floor and you moved some stuff on the walls got out of that house so i loved that house that was great see you later moving jobs i feel like would be fun at first and then get worse the older you

got i feel less capable of moving jobs the older i get so and it's hard to you know i would learn to live with little if i was moving every two years yeah if you knew you were gonna move you sorry what are you saying you'd live that way of i'm moving in two years i'm not gonna minimalist yeah i'm not gonna have a bunch of crap yeah which is great yeah too much my house is full of crap yeah just everywhere just too much crap everywhere I think that's most people's problem. It is. And it's a problem. Get rid of your crap.

Yeah. Starting over at work every two years, new jobs, that doesn't work. The only way that works is if you are being recruited to other companies at a massive raise each time. Yeah, that's true. Which I've heard employees, close your ears, statistically speaking, like people who change jobs every two years, you make more money. For sure.

I used to be a manager of a Best Buy. Just not in the podcast industry. Yeah, of a Best Buy a long time ago. And when you moved on up, you were hired here at Best Buy eight years ago, and you've worked from a cashier to now you're a general manager. You've got your own store. You make squat. You make squat. You make nothing. But the person who's never worked for Best Buy,

who just got recruited over from Home Depot, oh, there's only one way they get that person, and that is to pay the big bucks. Yeah, I mean, it's just the way it works. But I will, yeah, I'll move. Me too. I probably will move uh yeah you probably will all right quick break and back with a brand new segment change my mind all All right. Did you find a new house yet, Jay? I'm on Zillow.com.

We are starting a brand new segment today, and it is called Change My Mind. Al Borland is in the back here, and he's going to be basically reading off a polarizing statement, and we have the ability here in studio to either agree or disagree with that statement if we all agree we're moving on to the next statement if we disagree or it will obviously be or if we're all in agreement we can say how dumb the other people are that's fine we can yeah we could shame others we'll definitely talk about stupid say well you have an opinion you're dumb yeah we're very dogmatic on things we agree on but if somebody disagrees you're obviously going to have a two versus one situation and those two individuals will have i think a couple minutes to try to persuade the other person to

change their mind at which they'll listen and then at the end they'll decide where was their mind changed okay okay so go Al. Tell us what we're going to weigh in on first. Alright, the first statement. A corner brownie is better than one out of the middle. A corner brownie is better than one out of the middle.

Okay. So what do we do? Count to three and then... Three, two, one. No. Three, two, one. Boom. No. All right. That is clearly better. Mike went with no, and Jason and I both said yes.

Yes. No. A corner brownie is, of course, better. The camera's that way, Andy. There you go. Well, yeah. Thank you. No.

Yeah. Jason, would you like to begin? Sure. Sure. As the resident food expert, as seen by why do you why do you claim that title because of my size and my um eating uh listen his comments on food have more weight to them go on thank you uh here's the thing brownies are always the edge brownies are always the best because you get the best of both worlds by the time you cut all the way in the inside is soft it's what you're wanting but the outside has a

little bit of firmness and crispiness to it there's nothing worse than the brownie piece that is too soft everywhere and it feels almost undercooked that's always going to be the center brownie the center of the whole sheet maybe it's okay maybe this is super cooked all the way through and the edges are crisp and wrong but if you're just talking about your average run-of-the-mill brownie sheet the edges give you both parts that make it great. That little crisp outside and that chewy centerpiece. Yeah, I would just compare it to someone making Stouffer's mac and cheese in the microwave. The edges of a mac and cheese have an extra crisp to them. It gives it the cheesy, crispy outside edge. It's got a different flavor to it.

And the outside of a brownie, the outside of a cookie has a nice, crispy, delicious flavor to it. Depth to the texture. Basically, if- Not just all one note. And I know Mike has various wrong food takes, so this might be- Especially dessert takes. A difficult one. But look, what we're saying is if you respect yourself, if you are sophisticated, if you have a palate-

This is how you backfire. If you have a broad palate, any of those, if you're worth anything. Then you go for the middle. You didn't have me until we went right to the insults. Oh, I was not insulted. I was just speaking broadly. So, Mike, did we change your mind? No.

The inside of the brownie is delicious. It's so good. I already knew the answer to this one. It's soft. It inside of the brownie is delicious it's so good i already knew the answer it's soft every it's what the brownie is okay you have a big pan right the brownie is supposed to be soft actually they make brownie pans have you seen this they make in all edges one they make in all edges why would they do that because there are psychopaths in the why would they make padded rooms because there are places that we have to put people who are not safe for society. And that's the people like, no, I want the. Hey, look, you're selling pans, baby.

Those pans sell. That's why there's two of us and one of you. It's like crunchy peanut butter. All right. Get it out of here. I knew that changing Mike's mind on food. Well, here's the thing. My argument was in a pan, you have the edges, and the rest of it is all.

So like 98%, 96% of the brownie is soft because that's how it's supposed to be. Soft and chocolatey and delicious. Or flaky or undercooked. You guys need to learn how to cook brownies, apparently. I cook them edges. All right, all right, all right i'm starting to wonder are you switching no oh gosh no no i've i've i am sophisticated i do respect myself um get you a straight jacket i'm starting to wonder if we ever have a two to one vote i wonder how many episodes how many hundreds of episodes before we can oh change mike's mind no anybody's oh well no i'm a very reasonable person maybe all right all right

next statement all right the next statement the person in the middle seat of an airplane get automatically gets both armrests okay the person automatically gets automatically it's just a done deal okay three two one no no we all said no well because it's because it's automatically exactly you got to change the verbiage honestly i think they get one and one of the two people get screwed kind of i think it depends on the size of the people that is that is 100 that is 100 why i went with not automatic. If you say the person in the middle seat is supposed to get both armrests, I will say yes. I would be fine with that. I would be fine with that.

They're sacrificing. They don't get the window, and they don't get the legroom on the aisle. But I'm always an aisle flyer. And if I'm on the aisle, I'm getting that armrest. Yeah, because I'm first. I will establish dominance. I'm wide. I will bully Yeah, because I'm first. I will establish dominance. I'm wide. I will bully you off of the elbow rest.

Why would the middle person deserve one extra armrest to the other two? Because they're in the middle? The person in the window can lean against the wall. Yeah, they can. The person in the aisle can stretch out their legs. The person in the middle is completely trapped. Yeah. In my opinion, they should have at least one at all times.

But I don't think they have to have both all the time. But you can't coordinate with the left and right. But when you're on the aisle and you're at the window, you have one at all times, no matter what. I agree. And that's what the middle should always at least have. All right. So should middle. So Jason, if you show up and there's another wide person on the other side of the middle,

and a wider person, do you determine that you'll sacrifice your left arm of the middle, and a wider person, do you determine that you'll sacrifice your left arm for the middle person? You're saying I am wide on the aisle. You're the least wide of the outside people. I'm the least wide of the outside people. Yes. Okay. So I'm saying that that other wider person, maybe they're on the window.

Well, what's the person in the middle? Is the person in the middle- They're average sized. They get zero on the window. Well, what's the person in the middle? Is the person in the middle? They're average sized. They get zero on the restaurant. So it's all about it. That's a bad flight for them. Oh, man. All right.

All right. We agreed, though. We agreed. Give us another one. All right. Leftover pizza is better eaten cold rather than reheating it. All right. All right.

Three, two, one. No. No. No. no no no no you better for the audience andy and mike said no jason said yes yes of course better than reheated better leftover we're starting not not not cold pizza is better than hot pizza this is cold this is leftover pizza correct only referring to the next day am i taking it out of the fridge and eating next day am i taking it out of the fridge and eating it or am i taking out of the fridge and microwave as opposed to brand new pizza that is you take it out of the oven and you throw it in the fridge mike would you mind if i open this one up please do let me read you a little bible verse to help you out here all right i'm all yours when i was a child i talked like a child i thought like a child i reasoned like a child

and when i became a man I did away with childish things. You're a grown man. I understand the fact that maybe as a small child, the convenience of the cold pizza is superior. Go grab, put it in your mouth. That's what you did as a kid. But we're talking about adult time. You have the time. Adult time. You have the time. Adult time.

You have the ability to put it into a microwave and have it as pizza was intended to eat. Do you eat your steaks cold? Oh, crap. No, I do not. Okay, why? Because a hot steak is significantly and definitely better than a cold steak.

Have you reheated in the oven? I have never reheated in the oven. It is a better way to go. I'm not saying microwave is the best. You just actually made the argument for me because there is a difference between heating a pizza in a microwave Don't do that.

Well sure, if I'm going to take the time to redo a pizza, I'll just order a new one. It'll be there in 15 minutes. Yeah righty it's gonna take as long to preheat my oven if i have time to order a new one oh no if i'm telling you if you're telling me i gotta preheat my oven and then put it in there and then wait for 15 minutes i live like i could walk to domino's in 30 seconds. I'm so close. The delivery people don't use a car.

I'm not sure your concept of time understands what's happening. Mike, do your best. Well, my argument is with you is, yes, it is certainly easier to grab the cold piece out of the fridge, but technology has advanced. Microwaving your pizza is awful. You get spongy crust. Thank you. This is what I'm saying. But the technology has advanced.

And waiting for the oven, that used to be the worst. Air fryer. Put it in the air fryer. It takes you five minutes at the most and you have a fresh delicious piece of hold on i think i figured this out this is all time because you could time and quality it's a it's a sliding scale it's okay but you would still prefer a fresh slice of hot pizza to yeah to a leftover cold pizza yes to a leftover cold pizza so if you could just get the pizza back to its original state the right way you'd be happy with it. Correct. But that takes too long to you.

Yeah, correct. Well, to be honest, I don't know if it's possible or not. I've never taken in my life. I encourage you to oven that thing. I've never taken cold pizza and thrown it in the oven. I'm not convinced it's going to come out on day two as good as it was when it was fresh. It's not. It's not as good as fresh.

However. two as good as it was when it was fresh. It's not as good as fresh. However, so you guys have certainly not convinced me that it's better to have this soggy, nasty, spongy pizza on day two versus a firm, delicious, cold, easy, instant pizza. However, it's pretty, cold pizza

is pretty mushy. What's that? Yeah. It can be, and the cheese clumps and, you know. If you'll allow me, I will say. I will not. You got a bible verse for me let's move on let's move no i forbode okay i was gonna i was i was about to hop on mike's back i take a piggy ride to an air fryer but i will never air fry a pizza the rest of my life this segment has turned more air fried pizza for me this segment instead

of change my mind should be called stand your ground yeah it's called it's called i'm stuck in my opinion forever um all right there you go no one convinced jason give us another one all right werewolves are more dangerous than vampires werewolves are more dangerous than vampires uh this is a good one i like this question because it's very subjective and i feel like my mind could be changed on it okay all right three two one i went with no yes i went with yes you both said they're more dangerous yes yeah and here i'm the one that's got to be persuaded here and i think mike and i have the same reasoning do we and it's all same reasoning. Do we? And it's all about reasoning.

Yeah, I have some reasons that I think are logical. I'm saying you can't reason with a werewolf. When a werewolf has turned, and obviously we're only talking about a turned werewolf. You're not just a person who is, you know. Obviously. Yeah. Well, unless you see the werewolf transform back into the human, you don't actually know who the werewolf is. Right.

So a werewolf is only going to attack, kill, eat you, destroy you. A vampire, a vampire can't. A vampire is strong and is just as deadly. But you can reason with a vampire. You can talk to a vampire. You can befriend with a vampire. I could talk myself out of being killed.

Yes. You think that's your strategy? I have seen vampires fall in love. And who's to say that this is not a nice vampire lady? This is a big Twilight argument here. So here's my argument why a werewolf is more dangerous than a vampire. I'm listening to you because you're kind of a resource on zombies and creatures. I'm at my house.

Okay? The full moon is out. There's a clamoring at my door. Uh-oh. I open it. It's a werewolf. My face is ripped off immediately. Okay?

That's a fact. Okay? That's a fact. That's one possibility. It's now nighttime again because otherwise the vampire would not be able to come to my door. Right. And they say, knock, knock, knock, Mr. Wright, may I come in? No. And now I'm safe. You're totally safe.

And now I'm safe from the vampire because the rules are the rules. You have to be invited in. That's the vampire rule? Oh, yeah, 100%. You must be invited in? They can't come into your house without permission. Let me make you, before I reveal whether my mind has been changed, because it was a close one for me.

The reason I went with the vampire is more dangerous is because I will see a werewolf coming. They are gigantic, and they're loud, and they're hairy, and big, and wolfy. Yes. But a vampire, I could be at a party, right, that I've invited a bunch of people to. Now, in your situation, you know that this is a vampire, so you're like, no, you can't come in. However, vampires can veil themselves. They can.

And so you could be at this party and you could be like, oh, I need to go get my coat in the back. And then Mr. Vampire goes, oh, let me come with you. I have a coat back there, too. And then the next thing you know, you're being eaten. The party is a dangerous situation because you said you invited a bunch of people. So they were allowed in the town. That's what I'm saying. I would not see a vampire coming in that situation.

Then the other argument to that would be all of the vulnerabilities of a vampire. Garlic. Yeah. So, oh, no. I had some garlic sauce with my pizza. I just breathe on it. Cross. Holy water.

Yeah. I mean, there's all these things that I could do. The steak, too? Yeah. A steak to the heart. Well, that's how you kill them. It's easier to find a wooden steak than a silver bullet. Yeah.

Which is the werewolf. Yeah. You have to get him in the heart with silver. Just to be clear, did the werewolf and Yeah, you have to get him in the heart with silver. Just to be clear, is the werewolf and the vampire, do they compete for food at night? Because they both only have to be out.

Well, sort of. Or can he eat the meat and then the other one takes the blood and they could share? They could, but a vampire is trying to turn. They're not just out there feeding. They're also out there trying to turn

and get people added to the vampire warning. Could they turn a werewolf? Ooh, that's a good question. To create a vamp wolf? That is an excellent question. No. I don't think so. I don't know. How tough is the hide? Oh, they could break through.

Okay. Yeah. The teeth are very sharp on the vampire. Alright, so did we convince you that a werewolf is more dangerous than a vampire? Yes. All right. Yes. We did it. I think he got me in particular with the face ripping off.

When he mentioned that part, it was like, ooh, that sounds bad. Would you rather have a bite on your neck or your face ripped off? Well, you become a vampire, right? You do. So that's better than having your face ripped off. Well, you become a vampire, right? You do. So that's better than having your face ripped off. Yeah. One of them you come back from and kind of live forever. Yeah.

Undead. And the other is you're just dead. I would then have to turn all my friends and family, right? Now, is this like an MLM? Is it an MLM? A little bit. Is this like if I bite you, you gotta bite 10 people, and then they gotta bite 10 people?

Now, Josh, you are a vampire. You resemble it with your pale skin. But let me ask you this. Werewolves, when they bite someone else, do they become a werewolf too? Yes, it's called lycanthropy.

Okay, so it's the same thing as a vampire. But they don't ever eat you then? So would they rip my face off? No, they can eat you, but if they scratch you or bite you and you get away, you get that disease then and become one. I think I'm going to dance

with the vampire now. You guys persuaded me. Do we have one more? Let's draft. Alright, let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Have you moved, Jason?

Have I moved from... You were on Zillow. Did you moved, Jason? Have I moved from? You were on Zillow. Did you buy the house? No, I got an appointment tomorrow at noon for a walkthrough. It's prudent. You should probably look at the house before you buy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't go sightseeing.

I mean. Roll the dice. Just roll them dice. All right, we are into our draft on today's episode of the show. It is a Toy Store Battle Royale. Just roll them dice. All right. We are into our draft on today's episode of the show. It is a Toy Store Battle Royale. So we have all entered a, you know, just imagine those of you out there that enjoyed the great days of Toys R Us. Yeah.

Which my kids still miss them tremendously now that they're gone. I think they're- They're in Macy's. Yeah, in Macy's. In Macy's. And when they're in some place, that's not the same. Oh, I was blown away by how not the same. I went to one of these.

Is it small? It's a corner. Yeah. I mean, it's disrespectful. It's a corner of a store, and they're calling it Toys R Us. It should be called Some Toys Here. Yeah, it's basically like last Christmas season. I went there, and it was like-

It's like a pop-up shop. You know where the shoes are in Macy's? Yeah. Now divide that in half. They're just- Replace it with toys and call it Toys R Us. See, that hurts. It does.

It hurts. Were you Toys R Us? Were you KB Toys? Oh, I was Toys R Us. Toys R Us was the- I don't want to grow up. Toys R Us was the gigantic Costco style. Yeah.

The KBs were in the mall, and they were very expensive. They were still nice. It was so compact. Toy stores now are Target. The toy aisle is on Target. Let's remember them the best possible way, which is a battle to the death by picking different items from the toy store to fight with one another.

I don't know. Maybe I've missed the boat on thinking here. There's several picks I think could go number one. But I think what I'm going to go with is I'm going to go with the spy gear. All right? In a toy store, there is the spy gear. You don't remember the spy kits? I don't remember the spy spy you don't remember the spike i don't remember this you don't you don't remember the thing where it's got the i got the toy periscope so you can

see over the wall i've got the night vision goggles okay which are not they're just they turn everything green they may or may not come with a couple of small walkie-talkies with pretty bad range but i could use them for misdirection. Yes, you could. I'm going to go with what I think the spy kit that is for sale in a toy store. Okay. All right. I remember all those things individually. Oh, they're in a kit, baby.

I believe it. I believe it. I had the kit. Okay. It was great. You ever fight with the kit? No. I used it for spying. I'm building my team, Jason. All right. As a spy, you're not trying to engage in conflict. You will not see the periscope at all.

If you get caught, you're a bad spy. Yeah. All right. My first pick, I will take something that legend has it, at least my memory is telling me that, it was in fact designed as a weapon originally. Oh. And then it was transformed into a toy for children, mostly peddled by someone who would stop by your elementary school and make you think it's really, really cool.

I will take the yo-yo. It was originally developed as a weapon? That's in my memory. That sounds like some made-up lore to make your pick sound better. Maybe. It's a toy. It's floating around there. I still like the pick, though.

Yeah, I like the pick. Because I think you get rain. It's basically, you know, you've got a weapon at the end with a little bit of rain. All right, we have an update. There is no sound historical evidence. That's why I said it's just floating around. Okay. I like it, too, because you could pretend you're like Spider-Man with it, you know?

Like you're shooting a web out, but you're just- Flip! Yeah, and then bonk. Yeah, the yo-yo, I mean, you don't have crazy range. I will say that. But it's nice. We have another update. Oh, oh, oh.

The notion is believed, this is from Al, the notion is believed to have been a marketing gimmick disseminated by dunking yo-yo demonstrators. So the person who's going around to the school is tricking kids. This was a weapon that they used in the Philippines. You want to buy a weapon safely? Yo-yo. All right, so you went yo-yo. Yeah, I'll still take it.

I think it's good. I really do think it's good. But I also do believe in this fight. It's going to backfire. You will 100% lose a finger. You will 100% lose that finger because at some point, let's say you hit me with it. I'm going to try to catch it. Maybe I don't want to catch it.

It wraps around my arm. At some point, it's mine. Oh, he's going to rip your finger off. I'm pulling. I am grabbing that yo-yo, and I am saying, get over here. What type of string do you. I am grabbing that yo-yo and I am saying, get over here. What type of string do you think I have on my yo-yo? You're saying that you're- You're saying the string will break.

Yes. But then you just don't have a yo-yo. I mean- It may be a one-time use. It's going to hurt your finger at least. Yes. Okay. I will not disagree with that, but I will disagree that the thin yarn string is going

to take my finger off my body. I think this will make Mike more vulnerable because what we'll do is we'll hit him on the head when he is busy untangling his yo-yo after one throw and it gets all tangled up and he's sitting there spinning it but you got the yo-yo so jason you have two picks all right. All right. My number one is still there, and it's a weapon. Originally developed as a weapon. It's often put under beds to be used as a weapon. It's a baseball bat. They sell baseball bats in a toy store?

Do they? Maybe like a basketball. You can have a toy bat. You can have a toy bat. It's a wiffle ball bat. Yeah, you can have a wiffle ball bat. I will give you the wiffle or the foam bat. Yeah, you can have a basketball bat. You can have a toy bat. You can have a toy bat. It's a wiffle ball bat. Yeah, you can have a wiffle ball bat. I will give you the wiffle or the foam bat. Yeah, you can have a foam bat.

You can't have like a softball bat from a Dick's Sporting Goods. Really? They don't sell like wiffle bats? No, but the foam bat with the foam ball. Yeah, you can have the foam ball with it. All right. I'll retract. Okay.

We're trying to help you. I had to try. I think a wiffle bat's valuable. I will take the gun. I'll retract. Okay. We're trying to help you. I had to try. I think a wiffle bat's valuable. I won't take the gun. I knew. I knew it was not a toy. He has a thing written down that says, I know it's not a toy, and he wrote it beforehand. Yeah, I had to try, baby.

I knew you were going to try this. I had to try to get a baseball bat. Yeah. I knew that's not a toy store. You didn't seem that crestfallen. I'm going to take to try to get a baseball bat yeah i knew that's not a toy store you didn't seem that crust falling i'm gonna take a helicopter all right oh man you're cheating with the first pick all right this guy that's where you gotta start every draft okay i'm gonna take uh i i don't know if you've seen these my son is sana Katana. You know, for Fruit Ninja, they sell katanas in stores now. My son has had these.

They are a blast, but they are also not. They shoot a mile a minute. They shoot 100 of these little tiny bullets. I'm talking about gel blasters. Those things are machine gun oozes. They're pretty cool. And it's not going to kill you. No.

But you're not coming at me straight. You are arm, leg, garden protected. Probably not good for the eyeball. No. If you had someone in the face with that, that would be a problem. Yeah, for sure. You're coming towards me with your back towards me. All right.

Because you're hearing this. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. All right. So I got gel blasters and a baseball bat and for my- You're going to need some time, though, if you know. You have to dehydrate those. Or you have to hydrate those gel bullets. That is true.

So you are going to have to put them in water and wait a little while. Will you guys give me some time? Yeah, sure. Time out. Time out. My bullets. My bullets aren't ready yet. All right. My other one, it aren't ready yet. Alright, my other

one, it's similar to your yo-yo but I think it's better. My string's not breaking. It's longer. Okay. And I can use it to exercise and get in shape for this fight. It's on my list, yeah. I'm taking a jump rope. Okay. A jump rope. A jump rope. It gives me some range.

It's a whip. It does. It's a noose. It's a noose. Yeah, absolutely. I can tie you up. I can choke you. I can hit you. I can slap you. I can work out. You're going for like a big jump rope?

Yeah. The biggest they got? The extra large. All right. All right. So you've got a jump rope. Mike, it is back to you. All right.

I'm going to. So I have sort of a ranged weapon. It may be a one-time use only. We'll find out. Ow, that hurt. It's mine now. I'm going to take some projectiles now. So I'm going to take the wooden castle blocks.

Oh, okay. Those are an underrated pick. They're heavy duty. I got all different shapes and sizes. I got some cone shapes for some steeples, some sharp edges. Yeah, no, I mean all the blocks. I'm going to point out how dangerous these blocks could be if I'm throwing them around.

Super dangerous. For you, not me. Did you say one-time use because you're not going to be able to get them back? My yo-yo. Oh, gotcha. Your yo-yo might be one-time use. All right, you went with the wooden council blocks. Yes.

I'm going to go, you know, you both have projectiles. And the fun thing about, even if it's a toy version of this, it still works, guys, especially against what you got. I'm taking the toy sword shield combo because the shield the shield's still a shield yeah the toy sword won't do anything but the shield is gonna yeah i'll throw that thing in the garbage i have i have captain america shield on my you know the plastic one sure you know it's but it's still helpful especially that's gonna come in clutch with my gel blaster honestly a plastic, I might be able to give you a wallop.

Like one slap, like kind of a slap. Yeah, you could slap me. I could do a slap. So the plastic sword and shield, I think I need it against your ranged weapons there. This next pick. He only goes combos. He gets the kit. Right.

The sword and shield. I feel like that's two picks because I would have just drafted a shield. We're allowing both picks here? It comes in a kit. It comes in a bag. I'm sorry. And then with this pick, it's kind of par for the course on my battle royale. I like slow moving

vehicles. I'm taking a power wheel! Not even for the fight, just to have one. Yeah, I know. i want to have one finally man and uh you know i don't know what the top speed is they were the coolest i someone on your street yeah oh my god first growing up had a power wheel there's two things one they're the coolest power wheel two if they owned a power wheel, that meant they're rich. They're the rich family on the street.

It did. Even if they were destitute and should not have bought this on credit. Oh, yeah. They're the coolest kid in the world. As a kid, you don't know the financial situation of anybody. But whoever had a power wheel was like, oh, that's the rich family. The power wheel, if someone else had it, it wasn't even something I asked for. I knew it was too expensive for my family.

Me too. It was just like, that's cool. I wish I was you. But yeah, I'm taking the Power Wheel. Which one? Can you take it like the Barbie? Yeah, that's fine. But I'd probably go like the monster truck.

Is there a monster truck? Yeah, there's like a black monster truck. I know there's like a Hummer. Kind of looks like a Jeep. An Escalade. Probably the biggest. Being a grown man at this point in my life, I'm probably going to get the biggest one because I'm going to need to try to get in it.

Makes sense because generally weight limits for power wheels range from 40 to 130 pounds. Oh, that thing's not moving. That's some weight to lose. That is not moving. Andy's going to get in that. He's going to use it like a skateboard. One foot in and then the other foot just pedal. I can throw a power wheel right at you.

Alright. Mike, it's back to you. Back up. Alright. I am going to go... Oh, man. So... Okay. I'm going to need trans and he's got some transportation yeah uh we're in a toy store so i imagine there's aisles i might want to be able to to see over

the aisles i might need to move fast i'm taking a pogo stick oh man i'm gonna be cruising around i'm sitting there with you're going you're going, I want to move fast and see over the aisles. I thought this man was about to take two pairs of stilts. I mean, I didn't know what was going on. I feel like Mike's weapons are all going to backfire. The pogo stick, you can wield it at the end of your. I could. You can get there and then swing it.

It's actually a better sword than it is a transportation. I can do a mid-air jump. Transfer it up. Yeah. You can do that? Chop it down. He could also. That's super impressive. He could just fall, though.

He could fall. More than likely. I will die. Well, let me tell you. I want you to use a yo-yo with a pogo stick at the same time. Good luck. Let me tell you how Mike's fight is going to be over. Okay?

Mike's fight's going to be over because of this next thing I'm drafting while he's on his pogo stick. I'm drafting marbles, baby. That's a problem. Yeah. That's a problem for the pogo stick. Just hit one. Just hit one.

He rolls a bunch of marbles at him? I could throw them at Andy, and I could roll them at Mike. Honestly, it might mess the power wheel up. I don't know if it can handle marbles. I think the power wheel will be okay. Four wheels on the ground. It's pretty sturdy. And it won't be moving because of your weight.

So you'll be fine with the marbles. I'll have to throw them at you. But marbles is the first one. And then the next one that I'm taking, I love this because it's a fun, it's just a fun toy. And any of you ever punched a wall? I mean, we're old enough where we've experienced it. How does that feel? Sucks.

Well, it depends on the material. Drywall is not a big problem. No? You go right through it. What about a skull? Punching a skull? Yeah. I imagine that's a problem for my fists.

That's going to hurt. That's why people wear boxing gloves when they fight. You're getting those big inflatable ones. I'm getting the Hulk hands. I knew he was taking the Hulk hands. The Hulk is big, green boxing gloves, baby. Those are foamy, right? They're not plastic.

They're not foamy. They're hard, though. Yeah, they're foamy on the inside with a hard outer layer. I'm just saying, it's kind of a shield, too. If you actually hit me with it, it would not hurt as much as your fist. No, it wouldn't, but it will hurt my fist less. I love it.

Yes, and he would be like, I'm the Hulk. Yeah, I will. Yeah, I will. I will say that so much. Let me just picture this. Jason's got pockets full of marbles. He's got a jump rope, probably in lasso form on his hip. And then he's got pockets full of marbles. He's got a jump rope, probably in lasso form on his hip.

And he's got Hulk hands, and he's got a gel blaster on the other side of the hip. And that's his weapons. Mike, you are currently wielding a yo-yo on a pogo stick. Yes. And then maybe a sack of wooden castle blocks over the shoulder. That's right. And your final pick. My final pick.

So I have some melee. I got some movement. I got some projectiles. Now I'm coming with the Sonic Warfare. I'm taking a karaoke machine. Oh, really? I'm blasting it. I'm going to be blasting.

So we know where you're at. Yeah, you'll know that I'm coming. And then you'll be like, you have to close your ears. It's just too loud. With a primal scream, with some sort of T-Swift blasting and I'm taking people out. I'm flying

through the air. All of his picks are better used as straight bludgeoning items. The karaoke machine would hurt. Are you familiar with that mad max uh fury road he oh yeah you want that yeah the big truck that's coming through the speakers yeah that's gonna be me with my tiny handheld speaker i mean every every war in history has like the you know the old yeah they got the band playing to strike fear that's right this is my marching drum well

look i i've got my spy kit right i'm all i'm all decked out you don't know where i'm at um well yeah you do because you hear the power wheels coming i can see over the aisles andy although they are they are electric it's very quiet um the plastic sword and shield i've got that in tow i can defend against your projectiles and so look i'm going to take the steel leather draft in the fourth pick. I mean, this thing, look, I've got a wide variety of them. They do the same type of distraction that gel blasters do, but I get them in the late rounds, and they're probably pretty painful way up close. I'm taking some Nerf guns.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm taking the Nerf guns. I thought about it when I was like, oh, but I want to hurt you. Yeah, I don't, you know, I get what you're saying. You sure you don't want the water gun? The Nerf guns, they got a little plastic tip on them. And if I get close enough, which I will with my spy gear, it's going to hurt. Okay, so you just drafted a Nerf gun, right?

Done with your draft? Yes, yeah, he's done. Okay, then let me tell you about this Nerf gun that my son got from his grandparents for Christmas. It is a four-foot-tall Gatling Nerf gun. You're twisting, cranking the lever? It's battery-powered. You want to get hurt? Come on.

What? Nerf battery-powered? It's unbelievable, guys. There are about 60 or 70 bullets that's in the giant Gatling. It takes you forever to load them, forever to load it. You put this thing in, and you hold down the button, and it unloads. Five minutes to load it, you have three seconds of 60 of these things going so fast you can't believe it so if you had drafted the nerf gatling gun we lose i'll even give it to but how many of those nerf uh darts do you still have oh they're six we've got infinite because all you got to do is

look under anything you just look around it's going to take you some time to find it but we've got nerf under every piece of furniture the problem with nerf guns is it's it's fun for like five seconds uh we have a lot of old nerf guns that the kids don't lose your ammo yeah um that's that's why the gel blasters are not so bad because you get a lot of ammo you can load up pretty quick but that'll do it for today's draft and for the show what we learn let's find out what did we learn today apparently real life quidditch is a real sport yeah it is buddy according to these two over here i learned that werewolves are potentially more dangerous than vampires on today's show. And I learned that after 4,000 votes, edge pieces are beating centerpieces.

Yes! 50.5%. Oh, gosh. 49.5%. Let's go edge pieces out there. Take care. Back with another episode next week. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.