Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 275: The Finest French Worms & The Coolest Reptiles - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

On today’s episode we go deep into animal funeral slideshows, big meal regrets and Is This Real Life before getting into a coolest repitles draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason okay all right i see what you did there yeah i'm a big fan i'm a snake oh that's good stuff okay uh welcome in that vine lives forever yeah in my house? Oh, I'm a snake. Mike might be a snake because today at the end of the episode we're drafting the best reptiles. So that'll be fun. Did any of you, out of curiosity, did any of you have reptiles growing up as pets? I did.

I did not. I have one now I do not want. We just heard. You have a bearded dragon? Yeah, a bearded dragon. Was that at lunch or on this show? That was at lunch. Did I miss?

I must have missed it. Yeah, you missed. So wait, what happened with the bearded dragon? He took the floor and told us all about his bearded dragon. You're not a fan. I hate this thing. I hate it. Is it because they just don't do much?

They don't do nothing. We've had one for a long time. Same spot that when we got it in. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't move. He doesn't eat. I can't get this thing to eat. Why are you responsible? Well, my son Isaac would never.

Isn't it his lizard? Yes, it's his lizard, and he tries to feed it, but he can't. I mean, you pretty much have to open this thing's mouth and put a worm in there for him to eat. He hasn't eaten in weeks. He wants to die? Weeks, man. I try every couple days to open this thing's mouth and put a worm in there for him to eat. He hasn't eaten in weeks. He wants to die? Weeks, man. I try every couple days to feed this thing. See, our bearded dragon, my son, he won't eat fruits and vegetables, but worms and stuff.

Oh, yeah. He's in on that. Oh, this little guy loved worms growing up. And then he became a man bearded dragon and was like, I'm going to do nothing. I'm going gonna do little right i thought he was dead right multiple times i've i took a spatula in one time to take him out to take the dead corpse out why did you need a spatula it is that is interesting you went spatula not tongs well tong we can't just bare hand a dead lizard it is funny to think like okay i can go

in i i'm not afraid of the lizard. I can grab him. I move him around all the time because that's the only way he moves. I'm like, every now and then you should be in front of the heat lamp, right? I'm going to put you up there. But if it was immediately dead, like I just touched him, and then I know I've got the heart monitor on him. Icky, icky, icky.

I've got the heart monitor on him. I'm like, oh, he's dead. I feel like I can't touch him. It's true. You're all screwed now. Oh, I feel like it's... If... I feel like when I touch him, my fingers are going to go into his body as he's just this rotten corpse.

I mean, you've all... We've had the experience of finding a dead bird in the yard, right? Yeah. You don't touch that with bare hands. No. A dead... I do the inverse bag thing. But a wild dead bird, you have no idea what the bugs or the disease. That is what goes through my mind is that some disease starts to grow immediately.

For a dead bird outside, that is what you should think. But for a domestic pet that has gone nowhere. Oh, and I mean nowhere. This thing, it doesn't have a ever when it has a funeral and they do the slideshow of its life it's all one scene yeah it's just gonna i could take one photo and then i'll put it in 150 slides and that is its entire life doesn't play with the lizard no so why do you have this lizard we want to not have this lizard there are people that would would come come and pick it up for you so i've thought about that lizard people

i've thought about that i literally saw a post from a teacher asking for a classroom pet for anyone who is looking to get rid of a pet and and i will pay you one1,000 if you replace that bearded lizard in his room with a fake bearded lizard of a like and see how long it takes for him to notice he has no lizard. I promise you he goes to college before he notices. And please understand, he's not in high school. There's no chance. Oh, man. He eventually gets to a point where he's was like how long do bearded dragons live well in my experience 50 to 60 years they don't you have to they don't age yeah you just feed

them when they're young and then you can stop feeding them forever they no longer need to eat owl does have an insight i like this owl maybe jason should stop buying pets yeah yeah yeah al who has my former dog who you hate does he want a lizard but here's the thing here's the thing here's the thing i bet he eats for al i have two awesome dogs i have two awesome dogs i love them they're great so i think what i need to do is buy more pets more lizards just more pets but get rid of the bad ones of me shotgun approach oh the reason i want to get rid of the bad ones of me shotgun approach oh the reason i want to get rid of the lizard is because it's worthless and i only found that out by buying the lizard i need to buy a bunch of pets keep the cool ones and then get rid of the

other ones but the problem with getting rid of like the teacher wanted a classroom pet and i'm thinking you don't want to condemn them with a exam Exactly right. I felt like that. I can't give this to someone. I'm giving them a damn animal. A pet rock. You know when it moves? It only moves for one thing. Poop? To poop.

To stink up the room. Oh, and they got stinky poops, man. I don't see a poop. Reptile poo. But it's like... Dangerous. It poops and then does nothing. And then somehow it hasn't eaten in weeks. It hasn't eaten in weeks. It's like, I can poop again. It's like. It poops and then does nothing. And then somehow it hasn't eaten in weeks.

What's it pooping? Yeah. It hasn't eaten in weeks. It's like, I can poop again. It's like, what? So hold on. What happened with the teacher? Oh, we never reached out because I felt like that's not fair to that classroom.

Ah. Like the pet would be, it's not fun for them. Right. And honestly. You'd rather be condemned with this thing. And honestly. I don't know bearded dragons. hat would be it's not fun for them right and you'd rather be condemned with this thing honestly i i don't know i don't know bearded dragons i don't know if this is common for all of them and in

which case i'd feel a lot better i assume mine has like major problems depressive disorder oh he is so depressed he is so malnourished for sure he He's just a sad lizard. It's this vicious cycle. He knows you don't love him. I don't think he has the energy to eat because he hasn't had any food. So this is just. Oh, it's a little. Yeah, it's a cycle. But I try, man.

I try. You get the good worms? Or are you buying cheap worms? Come on, man. Come on, man. I don't know, man. His worms are imported from France. Yeah, I'm buying the finest worms, Andy.

The other day, this was like two or three weeks ago, I go in there and I go in with some spinach. Yeah. Some spinach leaves. And his eyes are open, which that's already an amazing miracle. When I walked in, I was like, oh my gosh, he's awake and alive. I put out the spinach immediately immediately right off the bat turns towards a spinach tongue out grabs the spinach eats the spinach i'm like we're in baby he's starving and

he's awake that's never happened and so i give him another piece he doesn't eat one more piece of spinach he's like one thin way fair of spinach and he will not anymore. I just, I couldn't stand there any longer. I put the spinach, I just left it by him. I'm like, maybe he's got performance issues. He can't do this while I watch. Did you lay it over him? I laid it right in front of his face, man. Just right, like it's-

He covers him in a leaf of spinach. Okay, all right. I did. You stupid lizard. I did. I put all the spinach right in front of him where he could reach it, but then I was mad, and so I put one on his head, and I left. It's actually true.

Jason and pets are the best topic on this show ever. You showed him. It's still there. Eat it. Yeah, that one fell to the ground because he was up on a branch, where I had to put him, of course. But he never ate another piece of spinach. It all just melted up. Yeah, no, he was full. Yeah, he was stuffed.

He was stuffed. Wow, that was great. So we're drafting the best reptiles. I'll tell you what's not on my list. Yeah, bearded dragon's not on my list. You'll save it for the worst reptiles draft? I mean, best reptile name? Yeah, it is dragon's not on my list. You'll save it for the worst reptiles draft? I mean, best reptile name? Yeah, it is a good name. A bearded dragon? They got a good marketing department.

It seems like confidence is not there for the bearded dragon, and so they named it that, trying to get it to move. We have that draft to end the show. We have Is This Real Life on today's episode. That was a moment of Is This Real Life. That was funny uh would you rather as well we'll kick it off here in a second thank you to everybody who's subscribing to the spitballers podcast that enjoys the show uh if you have a second you can leave us a five-star

review on apple podcasts or spotify or wherever you listen and uh the number one way you can help us is just tell your friends and family about the show. If you enjoy their happiness and you want them to hear about Bearded Dragons and, you know, it's a cursory tale, right? Now no one's going to make that mistake. We've still got ours, but had I heard that first, I wouldn't have one. But you can tell your friends and family. We'd appreciate it. Let's get going. friends and family we'd appreciate it let's get going would you rather would you rather and i already know the answer for your bearded dragon so we're not going to answer for

what's the name spike spike i'm not going to answer for spike uh would you rather be insanely stuffed with food or very, very hungry? So two possible outcomes. You know, I feel like the insanely stuffed side, I mean, you're tired. You just, like, can barely move. It is painful. I'm sure you've had a meal and it's ruined the whole day. Every day. We just had a meal.

We had a big celebratory meal a couple months back, and I don't know what happened because I don't feel like the meal got away from me. But there was just, I guess, the combination of appetizers and then the main course and, of course, some dessert because we're celebrating. And I stood up and went, oh, oh, I am really full. Wait, this was on our trip to Vegas? No, this was before that. Oh, okay. This was we went to the nice steakhouse because we had friends in town.

Oh, yeah. And it just kept getting worse. It was like it was expanding more and more in my stomach to the point of I was full, not being hyperbolic. I was full through the next entire day where I did not want to eat. I knew I had to eat something so I don't just crash and become a grumpadump, but I was full forever, and it was awful. It was uncomfortable.

I didn't feel like I could do anything. The thought of if I dropped something that day, it's on the floor now forever because my body can't reach down there today. Yeah. It's like you walked a day in my shoes, Mike. Thank you for experiencing my life. He hasn't picked anything up in a while. It's awful.

I haven't picked something up since 1999. Yeah. You know, putting socks on, it's a tough life. I mean, what's the first? I mean, there had to be a day where you went from putting socks on to not being as fun to put socks on. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there was a day, but I don't remember. You know, it's a slow burn. Right.

Gaining weight. So, you know, just put it all on overnight. It takes work. It takes time, energy, effort, money. I mean, a lot goes into putting on the pounds and uh i'm happy to say i succeeded uh was it your goal you met your goal weight uh i'm still achieving guys what is it when ufc you you're trying to meet you're trying to move up oh no you're trying to move up in weight class right uh most people do the opposite

most people are trying to move down a weight class, right? Most people do the opposite. Most people are trying to move down in weight class. But on the flip side of this question, when you're starving. Just being hungry, yeah. I think it's different for different people. When I am starving, like my stomach is rumbling and I'm very hungry, I can get a little grouchy. Yeah, most of us do. That's very, very common.

But I'm so proud of myself you know what i mean oh okay i feel good i'm like i hear that rumbling i'm like that's right you're empty that's right that's what you get oh yeah baby so i mean this is an easy pick for me you're taking the accomplishment of being hungry i're taking the accomplishment of being hungry? I'm taking the accomplishment of being starving. We talking two to three hours? Yeah, probably. Yeah, about that, maybe. Yeah, I'm going to go the hungry route, too,

because only one of these can lead to me vomiting. Okay, okay. And I just feel like, you know, I'm at the age now where if I don't eat in a routine fashion, just one outlier meal like that. Like we had the most generous gift given to my wife and I from a friend. They they paid to have a trained chef come to our house and make us a meal. And it was unbelievable. and that was the problem it was too good yeah and you know they make it right in front of you you're eating all the food they give you and it was a great time how right then how obligated did you feel having this

chef come to your home prepare the meal present the meal right there oh yeah each course like telling you everything that's in it and why it was this way. I've got mine scheduled for next week. Yeah. How obligated? How obligated are you to eat every last morsel of food? It is an incredible amount of pressure. Yeah. And it was an incredible amount of pressure afterwards but in my stomach I mean it was funny because the first course

of this meal is something I've I don't know if I've ever eaten dates in my life you know he's more of a married man over here but bad dates from Indiana Jones you guys like dates have you had a date I think

I'm sure I have but I don't I don't seek them out. I ate three appetizer things with dates wrapped in prosciutto. I don't even know what a date is. Isn't a date like a big raisin? It kind of felt that way, yeah. I don't think I've eaten one. It was good.

It was good, but yeah, what I'm getting at is like trying to sleep that night. My wife and I were both like, we woke up multiple times. And what was that sound you made, Mike? Yeah, you're walking at night in my shoes. That's the – we both woke up at various times, sat up, and went, oh. Yeah, that was me the night after. And I'm a tummy sleeper. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I was doing the impossible task of trying to sleep on my back, and it was just – yeah, thank you. It was awful. So I'm taking very hungry. You know how, have you heard the trick, like, for people that snore when they're on their back? Yeah. They put the tennis ball, they, like, tape a tennis ball to their back.

Oh, so that they don't sleep on their back. So that they don't sleep on their back because then it's really uncomfortable. Do that on your tummy, Mike. Well, that's what I've done. No, you have not. Well, I have made my tummy into something I can no longer sleep on. You walked right into that one. Give a hold on that.

Beck, can you make a bed where they have a cutout? I need one. I honestly thought they got to make something like this for pregnant women, right? Like a pregnant massage table? Did you search for pregnant bed? Pregnant bed, pregnant massage table. Dude, that'd be odd. You don't know how much more comfortable that would be.

What percentage of your purchases are in the pregnancy? Dude, the shame of the delivery. When is she due? Oh, I'll just send her. October. That's when she's due. And then they're like, that's 11 months. The math is not mathing.

I don't care. It's none of your business. Get out of here. Give me the pregnant bed. So people will tape something to their, I mean. To retrain. What kind of tape are they taping this ball to their back with? Oh, there's like pillows. Although there's more than just a belly cutout, and that's a problem.

Okay. I'm on it. I'm going to find the right table for me. Yes. Did it work? It is anatomical. Oh, come on. Oh, come on, Andy.

For ladies. Oh, come on. Oh, come on, Andy. For those in the audio version, there was someone shared the pillow that Jason was envisioning. But I said there was more than a belly cutout. Because it's built for pregnant women. Yeah. And so there's three cutouts, two up top and a big belly. And then Andy goes, yeah, that'll work for you.

This is my favorite episode. Buy it. Yeah, it's in the cart. Alright. So we're all down with very hungry men. You gotta go very hungry men. Yeah, you got to go very hungry. Oh, man. All right.

Would you rather have, this is an important one, would you rather have big toes for all your fingers? I thought it was the end of the question. Would you have big toes or big fingers? No, big toes for all your fingers. So sub out your fingers for big toes. Picture that in your mind. Or pointer fingers for all your toes.

Okay. Which is super creepy in my head, man. You're basically an orangutan. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so I guess, see, I was picturing them staying like straight out. Because your pointer fingers are like. Yeah, but you can bend them.

Yeah, but to walk you'd have to have to be you need some very large do i not know what an orangutan is the the orange the stocky orange ones their feet are basically hands okay so they're kind of but with your hands i know it's you call it the big toe even though it's not usually right your biggest it would be the small finger it would be the shorter than your thumb your big toe is nowhere near your thumbs length and it's but it's as thick as your thumb so imagine like little baby thumbs yeah yeah little nubbies all five of your feet you can't do that you're against that i don't think i could grip a baseball with that. So in that case, if you don't want that, your feet have pointer fingers. Yeah, but if you can figure it out.

I feel like there's advantages to this. To the feet, yeah. Not to the hands. Because you don't have dexterity of a hand, though. Yes, you do. Well, you don't have the middle of your hand, but you have the dexterity of the fingers. You got gangly fingers down there. Yeah, you would have some finger dexterity. you could grip you could i would think so i think

you could like can i hang upside down like a bat i think you can you could give them the bird yeah i could now like i could sign with my feet right it just feels creepy to me well but you can cover it you're gonna wear clown shoes but you're still going to have okay yeah as opposed to nub hands fingers you know every do you go shake someone's you know it's like hi nice to meet you would you punch but no you wouldn't punch better i did that i had the same thought i was like you're hoping there'd be a use there there's no advantage to thumb fingers what is the what what does the big toe really do other than give you like balance right yeah i mean it's doing work because we're we're all walking around i think it grows the best nail i think people have replaced best nail on my body

is my big toe oh that was the worst nail on my body i had to get both of mine fixed because i kept growing into the sides of my toes like too good a nail yeah your nail was like watch how big i can get let me change the question for for a moment here if you if today you were doing some woodworking i know you're very handy jason yeah i probably might do that uh and you sliced your thumb right off okay and the doctor rushes they rush you to the hospital and the doctor says oh i'm dead well i would have immediately that's not the question but he slices it right off, and then they're like, sir, we can, with a snap of our finger, we can just put your big toe, take it off your foot and put it on your hand as your thumb.

Right. Would you rather have no thumb or no big toe? Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? Would you rather swap it real quick? Okay, so the options are, would I rather have a big toe for Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? Would you rather swap it real quick? Okay, so the options are would I rather have a big toe for my thumb or no thumb? Correct, yeah, because it's a choice. At the hospital, they're like, we can do this.

It's $49.95. That's pretty cheap. But this removes it from my foot as well? Yeah, it's gone. Then I won't do that. It's not a donor thumb. Sure. If I could get a donor thumb, I think I would do it.

Like someone else's big toe, you'd do it? I think so. You'd prefer somebody else's big toe. Oh, yeah. I'd rather keep my toe. I wouldn't prefer that to my own toe if I had three of them. Does that mean you could get like corns on your hand? No.

That's just coming from walking on it. So can you be along with an organ donor? You could be like a phalange donor. Oh, yeah. Like if you expire, they take them all. Yeah. My toes are available. How do they keep them?

I mean, they put them on ice. You just put them on ice. Yeah. Everything. The answer to everything is ice. I think you guys, well. We did that question. All right.

Would you rather trip and fall every time you try to run or miss your chair every time you try to sit down? Have you guys ever missed the chair? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It is thoroughly embarrassing. Yeah. And it hurts. It hurts.

You're not. Because you don't realize how confident we sit. Oh, yeah. We sit with full confidence. Yeah. And you just think, I'm sitting. This is just something that I do. Your trust in that chair is 100%.

It is. I mean, you don't, no one sits down gingerly. Like, it just doesn't happen. Unless you just had surgery on your butt, you are just plopping down, man. And if you miss that chair. Well, and God gave us the tailbone. Yeah. And the tailbone, when it hits something, it's ow.

Yeah. Red alert. Missing. And I'm sure y'all were part of it because we were all stupid. Oh, yeah. Pulling the chair out. Pulling the chair out. It's so funny. But at least in the age that you're doing that you're

not a 40 year old man right right right where there are the consequence of like a 13 year old going to the ground is oh that little bumps a bruise and some giggles we go down hospital yeah i saw i just broke my ribs i saw a video of these two old men that were in a foot race and one of them oh yeah tripped the other one funny tripped the other one it was so funny but right out the gate but what i was thinking was like oh my gosh you trip a man in his whatever 70s that's that old i think it was on grass it was on grass it was on grass. It's out there. It's great. How often are you running these days? Are you willing to give that up?

For us, it would be sports, which that would be really unfortunate to lose that. The amount of time in my life that I sport versus sitting in a chair is uh it's heavy on the chair side i just heard al borland start to laugh because he must have video he must have watched the video of the tripping grandpa yeah i just shared it with you jason in the chair i just yeah it's um it never gets old eat it eat it old man and then he runs past him and wins the race all right um so are you are you saying that the confident chair sitting would just be too difficult? We sit all the time. Yeah. You'd be falling every day.

I would live in a hospital. Yeah. All right. Quick break, and we're moving on. Is this real life? All right. It is time for Is This Real Life, the segment of the show where we share a real life story that we've come across in the news with one another because we just can't believe it's true. I think I'll kick it off today, if you don't mind.

This one is shocking. The headline says, well, I don't know if I want to read you the headline right away. Okay. I'll read you the first half. Tantalize us. Police came to pull a Jeep out of a lake. Okay. And so they showed up in about 40 feet offshore. They see mostly the tippy top of a Jeep.

I mean, there's a Jeep. 40 feet? Yeah, 40 feet offshore. They got this thing deep. Yeah, and, you know, I mean, you've seen the videos. People sometimes they get by the boat launches, and the car can maybe they left it in neutral, it rolls down or something.

But, I mean, this is a Jeep that everyone that arrived there said, well,'s a jeep in the lake we got to get the jeep out of the lake so what did they do they there's some fishermen there and fishermen saw the jeep and they called the sheriff's department the sheriff's department showed up and said well let's call the tow truck company and the tow truck company comes about 20 minutes later and uh they go out there and there's a woman inside of it alive and totally needing rescue. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yes. Like there was air still in the car? Yes.

She had been reported missing earlier in the day. How long had she been in there? I don't know. Hours. But the people that showed up didn't even check. They just had a tow. I mean, imagine the tow truck company shows up and they, they're swimming out to hook up the tow truck.

This story ends with her alive, right? Oh, she's fine. Oh my gosh. Yeah. What if she wasn't? Well, then we wouldn't be doing the story on this show. Yeah, exactly. Is more, let's say you're the fisherman. And then it turns out that someone died.

And then they do the autopsy. They're like, this woman's been dead for like- 10 minutes? 30 minutes. She was alive when you got there. It was 40 feet out from shore. The fisherman who called the authorities stuck around. And he used his boat to help a tow truck worker get to the Jeep and hook up the tow cable.

And it says, quote, it was at this time they saw the woman inside the Jeep. The captain added abruptly what began as a salvage job became a rescue. Wow. Why did she just stay in the car? It worked. I mean, when you go under, Mike, she doesn't want to be in there. I mean, it's not like you can open the door. No.

Come on. You got to know the emergency protocol. You think you can get out of a Jeep that's got about three feet? Hopefully, Al can. If you can't break the window, you're in. I thought it was immediately. If your car hits the water, you immediately put your windows down. Really?

Yeah. You would want to change the pressure. Because if you don't do that, as soon as you're under the water, you can't open anything. The pressure will keep your door shut. Wow. But you can't do that, as soon as you're under the water, you can't open anything. The pressure will keep your door shut. Wow. But you can't roll the window down? Not if the power goes out on your car. Oh, power windows.

One of the benefits from the manual windows was escapes. Wow. Yeah, it's escaping leaks. Escaping leaks. Yeah, so some people keep little glass breakers in their car and stuff like that. Just in case they go underwater? Yeah, just in case you need to break. They keep a glass?

Well, it's not in case you go. That's also in case your door gets, like if you get hit and you can't open your door. Yeah, if you needed to get out. Feels unnecessary. Well, they sell them. Let me just ask. Pull the four men here that combine for 160 years of life. Okay. Anyone ever had to break out of their own car?

I know Al Borland has. I have not. Oh, I bet you've had to break in, though. Well, sure. Yeah. I mean, that makes more. I have not had to break out, but I do have one of the glass breakers. You've got one?

Yeah, my wife bought them. I don't know. She got freaked out by something, and now I have one. Wow, good job, Instagram ads. Amazon Basics. You want to know the trick, though, Mike? It's got a seatbelt cutter on it, too? It does.

Yeah, I got the same one. Yeah, see, there we go. The problem is if you have a Tesla or some of these more advanced windows, you can't break them. They have anti-breaking, so you'll just drown. But anyway she won't drown you'll i mean yeah you just you just have a party yeah just wait just wait till you hit the bottom and drive so yes i found that story to be quite ridiculous nobody thought to i don't know take a little glance see if someone was struggling for their life in there but she's fine and um they got her to safety i'll go next mine's short and sweet and simple uh there's not a ton

to it but it felt appropriate for today and the the article title is uh pilot felt the slither of a venomous snake in the cockpit then turned the plane around there was a plane travel this the the guy is in south africa and he's mid-flight and he says he felt this cold sensation underneath my shirt where my hip is situated. Oh, no. Basically where you got your love handles. And when he looked down, well, the pilot was surprised to see a highly venomous cape cobra next to him that if you get bit by a cape cobra, you're dead inside an hour. No.

Yeah, this is a very venomous snake. Oh, that is a movie plot. Yeah, it's snakes on a plane. It's literally a movie. But the idea of being so far, like if you're over an hour from a landing spot and you get bit, you can't get back in time to get the venom. Also, if you're flying a plane, imagine this was a smaller plane. It is a smaller plane, yes.

So you are in full control of this thing. If you've got to go mano y mano with this snake in this tiny room. Yeah, you're toast. Any of you ever been in a VEAS? Yes, you have. I already know. But any of you ever been in a vehicle where there's a spider or a creature across the seat from you, and you're like, I have to drive and navigate. Yeah, I've told the story before.

I've only done the one where the bee flies in the car. That's bad enough, man. It was pretty bad. I went to a coffee shop the other day, no joke, just by my house. I already ordered. Drive-thru. I get to the window, and I'm seeing the people in front of me. There's like 20 bees at the window, and they're all I get to the window and I'm seeing the people in front of me. There's like 20 bees

at the window and they're all swirling around the window, which is actually quite bad for the employees, right? Yeah. But it's also bad for me getting my coffee and paying and they're just treating it like normal. And she's like, yeah, I got stung earlier today. And I'm like, do I drive off without my coffee or do i try to navigate like be calm the bees will be fine but no that coffee belongs to someone else now donate yeah anyways behind you so what what did he do he turned around to go back so he decided to turn around he let the passengers know what was going on they stayed calm he turned around brought the plane back home and he said he said it just thankfully he just got

lucky that the the snake never struck because if he did then it changes everything at that point you're the pilot i need the snake is the pilot yeah at that point the snake's the pilot because there is no pilot we need the recording of that of the there's uh yeah 420 gentlemen there's uh There's a snake up here. We're going to go back. We're going to turn around. We're going to hope he doesn't bite me. We're going to turn around real slow-like. If it bites.

Does anyone else back there know how to fly a plane? Anyone got any venom? Just asking. Mike, what do you got for us? All right. So we've all had bad days. Sure. so we've all had bad days sure

but this is thankfully it doesn't end in tragedy but this is a from bad to worse so in Manchester, New Hampshire a woman

she was taking out some garbage and she fell into the dumpster. Okay. Okay. Well, that's unfortunate. Wow. Maybe you had to, like, get on a ladder. That part is not disclaimed to us.

Then the truck came. Come on, man. And took her away in the garbage and took her away this was in toy story not this part where uh so eventually she is rescued but not after reportedly the garbage had already been compacted four times so this woman is in the dumpster trying to figure out how to get out of a dumpster ends up in a garbage truck and then you're like it's full star wars where you're inside you're inside the truck that's exactly what i think all of a sudden the wall just starts pushing in towards you with all the garbage and somehow this woman how is she got a cube i i don't know man oh my goodness so they said so

they used a basket ladder to reach the top of the truck and get her out by then she was very small she was standing talking yelling not alert enough to answer questions was taken to the hospital she's okay but just partially compacted. I don't know that she's okay. There's no way you could be okay after that. The horror. Yeah, there's probably long-term mental effects from this, but the horror of... I mean, it's like four times.

This is horror movie stuff of the walls coming at me, and I can't go anywhere. That's one of... I'm going to sit here and get smooshed. I'm going to watch slowly myself get crushed. There were movies as a kid. The two things that were like that were getting smashed in the trash compactor and then also the trash compactor walls, but they're covered in spikes.

And as a kid, those two things somehow, I don't know if it was some movie I got exposed to. I mean, not just Star Wars. Well, yeah, Temple of it have the spikes from the top there was something about that that just seemed as bad as it gets because it is like there is a but she's fine lady in the jeep she's fine hopefully hopefully they're all okay you want to be the lady in the jeep for eight hours or do you want to be the never mind i want to be the lady in the jeep yeah you want to be the lady in the jeep yes you want to be in the lady you

survive one time you're like that's i can't they're not gonna come back i can't believe oh man now let me ask you are you okay on the fourth one you know what i mean by then you're like bring it on come on you can't you can't kill me she goes from terrified to confident. Oh, my gosh. That is crazy. That is insanity. Methinks Lady might have been drinking when she fell in Trash Can. I have no idea. All right.

Let's go ahead and get to this draft after this. The Spitballers Draft. Well, well, well, here we are, Mike. We are drafting the best reptiles on today's show. You have the first pick. I am curious what direction you're going to go. So I think there are definitely a few worthy of being the first pick in the draft. I'd agree.

But I'm going with I'm going just big monster style. We'll see. I'm taking the Komodo track. That's the clear 101. It is the clear 101. I mean you could make an argument that they're so remote and rare. It's very rare.

Maybe they don't strike fear. They seem like a mythological creature. They do. Oh, they strike fear if you're around one. This thing is a- It's a real-life dinosaur. Yeah. And if you haven't seen a video of a Komodo Dragon just housing a goat or whatever-

Oh, yeah. They just one gulp or something? Pretty much. It's just they pick it up, and now this thing is gone. You're like, that was a full-sized animal. That Komodo dragon just took it down. Komodo dragons are actual monsters. Yes.

Do you think the meteor that got the dinosaurs just whiffed on them i think they were like you can't hurt me you're what are you a trash compactor no problem okay so komodo dragon a noble uh majestic first pick jason i would not use the name majestic i'm watching it how's it going this is just a demonic beast it's a horror movie but it's a great pick it is the first pick and I was so sad what's funny is I was sad I didn't think about this

until the draft was going but I was like oh Mike's got the first pick Mike definitely would take Komodo I wasn't sure if Andy would but then I realized if Andy was the first pick then you still picked me for me. Alright. Oh my gosh. Yeah, you're... I'm watching

this thing eat a goat and it was... It's unbelievable. It is. Oh, dude. Crazy. Can I at least outrun these things or something? I don't think so. Oh, boy. Monsters are usually, you know, their attributes are great. I think I could ride one. Oh, yeah. It's big enough.

Saddle up. Still goat hunting. According to, it looks like the Smithsonian Institute says, briefly reach speeds of 10 to 13 miles an hour. See, I think I could maybe get there. You could, but still, a creature of that size running 13 miles an hour. It's probably full-on goat. That's why.

Honestly, I think you would outrun it because if he's running 12 miles an hour. It's probably full on goat. That's why. Honestly, I think you would outrun it because if he's running 12 miles an hour, Tyreek hit like 21 miles an hour this last year. I think you'd go probably 28, 29 miles per hour. Trying to get away from that. I mean, I would run out of my skin. I would just. All right. Your turn, Jason.

Komodo dragon is gone. There's a lot of my skin. I would just. All right. Your turn, Jason. Komodo dragon is gone. There's a lot of good ones, but for some reason, this just feels, maybe it's literally the name, but it feels special, unique, terrifying. Unique, terrifying. There's something about animals that could kill you that are special. Sure. And I'm going to take the king cobra. Yep.

It's very high on my list. It's got the regal. Yeah. I mean, not just the name, but it sits up. Yeah. It sits up. It gets eye to eye with you. It's got the wings or whatever. The neck, the ears.

I don't know what you call yeah what are those called what is that i'm not a name that the snake's mane yeah the crown i don't know we're gonna find out what do i even search for this i know what do you call the cobra neck we all know what it is the cobra's hood hood is created by many elongated ribs that are capable of extending the looser skin on the neck outwards. It's a great pick. It would have been my pick had you not taken it. Good to hear. But it was going to be a very close contender here.

Would you have picked Komodo Dragon if you had the first pick? I have back-to-back, so yeah, I would have gone. Okay. Yeah, I mean, my pick here, I was hoping to get Komodo dragon or King Kroba, and I felt like they were all similar. The saltwater crocodile. Yeah, that was my third. We're all locked in. Those were the top three for all three of us?

What's funny is the saltwater crocodile is the largest living reptile on Earth, so it is bigger pound for pound than the Komodo did. I would love to see those two fight yeah and you can i do a pay-per-view i do not know who would win that and so then it's like i was hoping to go crocodile and king kodama together um i've got kind of this pick is more of a later round sneaky pick so i'm actually get you coward look the best reptiles we all went kind of like forced to some degree. I'm going to go cool now.

I'm going to take the chameleon. I'm going to take the chameleon because it looks incredible. It can change colors. Nifty little lizard is what I say. So I'm going to take the saltwater crocodile and the chameleon. Okay. All right. Nifty?

I don't know. I'm going to go back to the snake family. Okay. I know I've already got one. But when I was drafting King Cobra, I was like, there's one other snake that might be just cooler than the King Cobra. I mean, they made a whole movie. Oh, no.

Oh, you bum. This anaconda? Yep, the anaconda. Oh, yeah, baby. Don't want none. Yeah, give me that music. I don't think I have it. Yeah, but Al's got it.

No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. Oh, I do have it. So the anaconda, that's the biggest snake there is, right? Yes. Did you see the one recently? They's the biggest snake there is, right? Yes. And they all... Did you see the one recently? They go on the water too, right?

Yeah. That's not good. We just, like a new video, I'm talking in the last couple days, came out of, it was the largest one caught on tape. Yeah, I mean, that means that before that, they didn't know one that big existed. That's what that means. Yeah.

It says, new anaconda species identified during the filming of a Will Smith show. It could be the largest in existence. It weighed over 1,100 pounds. A snake? Oh, my goodness. Come on. An 1,100-pound snake. How can you even call it a snake?

That's large. That's been eaten. Eaten well. Yeah, that's a good pick. Definitely on the list. All list all right mike you got a pair uh i got a pair i am gonna go this is where i thought you were gonna go or i was hoping you were gonna go with the snake uh because anacondas you got to get the biggest snake but we'll just stick with another deadly one and uh we'll go with the Black Mamba. Okay.

Also, I mean. What's the features of the Black Mamba? I believe just extremely venomous. Whoa. Veminous? Veminous. More vimum than anybody. Yeah, there's the, let's see, Black Mamba.

Man, they're not scary looking, though. Yeah, but if you know what it is, it's scary. Yeah, if you can identify. That's the thing about them if you know what it is, it's scary. Yeah, if you can identify. That's the thing about them. They're like, oh, it's just a regular stick. Wait. You're dead. But it's not black.

It isn't? No, I see. Come on, I figured jet black. Yeah, I mean, some of them are, but most of them seem like they're silver. Maybe it's eyes. But silver mamba is not scary. No. Black mamba is like, watch out sounds like mamba is like watch out silver mamba sounds valuable interesting what color you know what

wouldn't it be nifty it's black you dummy what if you were out there and you're like oh no that snake over there i hope it's not a black mamba and then you see it and it's like gray and you're like oh thank goodness it's not a black mamba and then it goes despite its name the snake is not black instead it ranges in color from gray please say black to dark brown okay with a lighter underside this is you can't call this a black mamba it's against the laws of nature we really unraveled this poisonous. That is very strange. Fake snake. Alright, Mike, you got another pick. I'm not going to go dangerous. I'm just going to go awesome.

It's the Galapagos tortoise. Yeah, man. Those giant tortoises that live forever. They are eternal, but they're so gigantic and they're so awesome.

I mean, that gigantic shell just cruising around, man. Just hanging out. And they're big. Yeah, they're huge. Because everything on the Galapagos Islands, the meteor missed it all. Oh, it did. All right, you've got the Galapagos tortoise. That's a good pick.

Jason. I am still reeling over this black mamba thing. I mean, words mean things, you know? Like, words have meaning. You ever see that brown horse that was green? I mean, it's like... You're really having a hard time with this. The spotted horse.

Well, that's a zebra. No, you can't call it spotted. It's not... There's no spot.'t call it spotted. It's not. There's no spot. Spots mean something. It's got like black, dark black eyes. You don't think that's the. There's no acceptable excuse for something.

Also, when it bites you, you decay. I mean, they could have just gone with. Nothing but blackness. Yeah. They could have just gone with mamba, right? Like, that's a cool name. They didn't have to give it a color. I think there's more mambas.

Oh, yeah? I hope there is a black one that's called like the green mom there is a green there is a green mamba yeah what color is it very green oh yeah see that's makes sense okay all right am i am i back on the clock yes yes you got another pick all right um all right wait wait oh i have an update uh while it may surprise you black mamas are rarely black they are called black mamas because the insides of their mouth are black where green mamas have pink mouths well then why is it a pink green mama just the messenger green mama it's the outside that matters the black, it's the outside that matters. The Black Mamba, it's the inside. Come on, scientists.

All right. You're better than this. All right. Make your pick, sir. I'm really upset at this. I saw it. It was the middle of the night. I'm sorry.

I didn't have a good look at it, but it's already named. It's done. We can't change it. I'm going to take the sea turtle. Okay. You know, you got great movie you got crush yeah you know yeah um what other ones what's crush's well you were you're gonna say yeah that's the boy yeah there you go you're gonna say there's tons of movies there's so there's tons of sea turtles in that movie in Finding Nemo. Sea turtles are cool. Sea turtles are big, and they can swim fast.

They got a shell. There's all sorts of reptilian features of this animal. Yeah, no, that's true. Well, look, I feel like I don't want to be left behind in the turtle brigade. Oh, get in on this. I've got the one. The Teenage Mutant. No, I've got the one I wanted.

It's the one that kind of I feel like it detours from. You know, traditional turtles are like smiley, happy, slow little creatures. And this guy, this guy's the like. Oh, yeah, he's on my list. He's a problem. He's the snapping turtle. Yeah, snapping turtles are mean. I mean, they take everything.

Is that thing a tooth on the front of their mouth? Take everything you know about turtles and turn it on its head. I mean, speaking of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, isn't the Tokar Razor? Yeah, that one's a snap. It's a snapping turtle, right? Yeah. So I'm going to go with the snapping turtle. Those things.

And my description for it says, you know what it do. They're all spiky and mean. Yeah, they look hardcore. hardcore like that's the kid that got kicked out at a young age you know what i mean from the turtle family yeah and went out and like he lived a little he's seen some he's seen some things um and then for my final pick a lot you guys you guys made some good selections here um i don't have a snake i don't have a snake. Go ahead, Mike. I'm a snake.

I'm going with the Gaboon Viper. Oh, Gaboon? The Gaboon Viper because that is the- Gaboon. I mean, vipers are cool. Gaboon. The name is cool. And then it has the longest fangs of any snake, and it's got the highest

venom amount of any snake. Yeah, we are learning a lot about reptiles. So I feel like I needed a matcher turtle. I needed a matcher snake. Got my chameleon. Got my crocodile. And I'm out. All right.

Jason. I'm up. And for my final pick, I'm going to take the horned toad for the name alone. Are they the ones that do the blood out the eyes? I hope so. That would be awesome. That's disturbing. Yeah, they're the ones that you can pick up, and you can pet them.

Yeah? Yeah. Is that true? You didn't know that? Yeah, you can. Okay. I picked up, they call them horny toads. Yeah.

Out here. All right. So I got one of them. Okay. I'm trying to figure this out. Which animal? Yeah, horned lizards. Yeah, it is them. As a last resort, horned lizards. Yeah, it is them.

As a last resort, horned lizards may use one final defense mechanism. They shoot blood from their eye sockets. One final because it kills themselves. They lose all their blood. Oh, yeah, that's not cool, man. That's wild. You just don't need to do that. Oh, my word.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, dude. It's a better pick than you even knew. Or a worse that. Oh, my word. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, dude. It's a better pick than you even knew. Or a worse one. Oh, my gosh. You picked that, man. Dude, I can't.

I'm watching. That's insane. That's like a super soaker out of your eyeball. Yeah, but it's blood. Oh, man. That's a good pick, Jason. All right. All right.

Perfect. Final pick, Mike. So I can pair the opener and the closer. I got the Komodo dragon to open, and I will close with the Gila monster. Oh, that's a good. How did you guys forget the Gila monster? It wasn't on my list. I didn't forget.

Bro, AZ boys got to know about the Gila monster. I would have taken the Gila over the horn. That's a bad bite, man. If it bites you. It never lets go or it bites you, it doesn't let go. And it's got venom or toxic teeth. It will poison you. It never brushes. It's just these things are.

It's not venom, is it? Yeah, it is. Oh, it is? Yeah, so when it bites you, then the poison goes in your body. I thought it needed snake bangs for vinegar. No, but their bite is notoriously strong compared to slamming your hand in a car door if you're a bit on the hand. They call it the snapping turtle of the lizard family. About as toxic as a Western diamondback rattlesnake. That's what I thought.

Wow. Which, around here, you know that if you see a rattlesnake, you don't mess around. You just get out of the area. I feel like we would mess around with a Gila monster. I can't believe. You should not. I'm not saying you should. I can't believe that we didn't draft a rattlesnake.

Being in Arizona. Yeah. Like, I've never come across a Gila monster. I've come in proximity of a rattlesnake. Yeah, it's terrifying. What about a Gaboon Viper? You should have taken a rattlesnake. Yeah, it's terrifying. What about a gaboon viper? You should have taken a rattlesnake. All right, that'll do it.

Mike with the Komodo dragon black mamba, or whatever color mamba. Galapagos giant tortoise and a Gila monster. Jason with the king cobra anaconda, sea turtle, and horned toad. All right, one more thing. What did we learn today? I learned that black mommas aren't black. And you don't accept that. I don't appreciate it or accept it.

This could be like your life thing. Like you go and you petition. You get this thing changed. I'm going to leave the show, guys. Run for office on that. Get it changed. I learned that I could, as devastating as they are i think i could outrun a komodo dragon yeah you could and i learned that i think i want hands for feet

incredible all right that'll do it thank you al for putting the show together today and we'll be back with another episode of the spitballers very very, very soon. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.