Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 276: Toilet Paper Tail & Worst Four Course Meal - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

On today’s hilarious episode, we dive into the world of spider breeders, leave a toilet paper trail, and discuss the finer qualities of chowder before drafting the WORST four course meal. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast, with Andy, Mike, and Jason. okay fair enough fair enough fair enough let's get gross here today i think my favorite part was jason was doing his traditional head bob trying to get into the scat mood but thenat zone. His face started to become a grotesque, angry, disgusted kind of grimace. Started to think about some of the foods on today's episode and made me angry. Yeah, and it, I mean, that was a sound. Welcome in.

I hope, you know, we've got, I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of people are listening, but the sheer volume, someone threw up. Because they're a sympathetic puker? Sympathetic puker was just driving and had no idea what I was going to do to them. Their steering wheel is toast. Oh, man. I've never thought of the driver of a car hurling directly forward. That has to have happened. It has to have happened.

Oh, for sure. I mean, if we're all in that situation, we try to... I mean, I once jumped off a city bus and insta-hurled. I mean, I'm talking I was probably mid-flight off of the bus right on the street i've gone head out of a new york cab no you have not i have yeah head out of a cab yes is that a high moment of your life it was awful it was and this was anybody in this this was not party related this was like just full motion sickness and it was the um and that's just what you felt like was the best option right i had no choice the option was i mean you could he in the window or out it wasn't like pull over i gotta

get out yeah i it's a very strange place to be when all of a sudden you go when you're like this isn't gonna happen i could fight it i could fight it no it's gonna happen strange place to be when all of a sudden you go, when you're like, this isn't going to happen. I can fight it. I can fight it. No, it's going to happen, and it cannot be stopped. It was like. It's making me a little sick to my stomach. Sorry, sorry.

No, that's fine. I'm trying to get someone to throw up on their steering wheel right now. Wow. Yeah, that one's, that's a heck of a story. Jason, did you want to contribute to any? No, no. Oh, no. that's a heck of a story uh jason did you want to contribute to any no no oh no uh i don't have any great awful vomiting stories like have to vomit right now stories all right well we'll move on uh we are jumping into would you rather today what's the difference and our draft is the worst four course meal that you can make so that's why jason sounded the way he did at the beginning of the show at spitballers pod on x you can follow us there

spitballerspod.com the website and uh tell your friends about the show if you want them to uh well maybe not this one maybe not this episode if they're if they're a sympathetic wait till next week um let's kick it off Well, maybe not this one. Maybe not this episode. If they're a sympathetic puker. Wait till next week. Let's kick it off. Would you rather. Would you rather have the world's largest pimple on the tip of your nose or a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your pants? The Rudolph pimple is tough. We've all had a sloth.

One of life's greatest challenges. Everyone has had the bright red pimple on the tip of your nose, and you look like you're about to guide the sleigh through the winter storm. And there's not much you can i mean that's a it's not a spot to hide it's something and it's too close to your eyes where the other person can't not look at it because because it's always in their field of vision so they're trying they're trying to look you in the eyes and they can't do it and they're like don't don't look don't and they're doing the thing where the eyes are probably just shaking

because they're going between your nose and your eyes. And it hurts. Yes, there is. I mean, if this is big enough. Emotionally and physically. I was going to say, if this is big enough to guide a sleigh, it's not feeling good. Now, I'm a little confused on the toilet paper.

As am I. As am I. Hanging out of your pants. Why isn't it hanging off your shoe? Because you stepped on something. Yeah, or if it was left there, wouldn't it be hanging out the bottom of your pants? Or I guess I'm seeing like- We need to know how many inches of toilet paper is hanging, because that will matter to me.

Also- Is it like a foot? paper is hanging because that will matter to me also is it like a foot why in why has it become it's a known oh so embarrassing right you used the restroom as every every human being does and you just you stepped on a piece of toilet paper that was obviously a little bit wet because then it stuck to your shoe how why is that such a terrible thing? It's just he accidentally took the bathroom with you. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's gross, man. You're walking.

It's just it's unhygienic. You're walking pee around. You're tracking the pee, or worse, with you. But it's so funny to me. I get that it could be a complete accident. It's just if you see that happen to someone what a slob how gross of this person well let me ask you this mike if you saw toilet paper on the ground in the bathroom and you notice it yeah would you choose to just walk your normal pace your normal gait that just

so happens to step on that piece of toilet paper or would you widen your your your step and step over i would choose not to step on it so that's part of it right it's like saying it's a choice yeah jason's saying that if you if you pull if you made the choice to you made the choice to not look around in the bathroom well enough so you've become poopy because toilet paper equal poop equal you equal poop so would you rather be rudolph or a poop i mean it's the toilet paper yeah it's definitely the toilet paper that's that's a it's a small i mean you it's it's it's the situation where it's like someone says oh dude your fly's open and then you go oh, no. And then you fix it.

You have the instant, all the memories rushing back. What have I done today with my fly wide open? And it would be the same for the toilet paper of, oh, man, how long has this been there? But once you catch it, you dispose of it. The pimple is going to be there for a while. Can I wear a pair of glasses low enough to where it sits? It's at the tip of your nose, man. It's at the very tip.

Your glasses would have to be resting on the pimple. As the rest. Have you seen the clips of the guy who has the gigantic mole on his forehead? And the whole bit is he always takes his glasses oh and he sets them up and then he hangs them on the mold i have seen that i have not seen that oh wait you guys are choosing to talk about making you vomit you want the toilet paper on your shit yeah over the pimple the pimple's there for days yeah so is the toilet paper you don't get to just take it away this is not like a one-time thing so you're saying you have you don't get to just take it away this is not like a one-time thing so you're

saying you have you don't get to just fix it someone goes hey you got you got toilet paper hanging out your pants you go i know yeah that's right yeah that's yeah i do yeah thanks for noticing that's why i was asking how much is hanging out you want some yeah it's got a yeah why you need some yeah i think it's a foot yeah i think it's a foot it's it's a dragon yes it's got a... What, you need some? I think it's a foot. Yeah, I think it's a foot. It's a... You're dragging. Yes. It's a teepee tail? Yes, it's a teepee tail. It's a teepee tail.

I'm still picking the teepee tail. I mean, in this scenario, the way that Al or whoever made this doc wrote it up, you've dropped an almost completely empty toilet paper roll down your pants and went to the bottom of your pants and a little bit's hanging out. I mean, I guess I still have to choose that yeah the the pimple on the tip of your nose maybe i can walk in a way where you can't tell yeah you're just always paying facing directly at them yeah i'm always facing everybody i don't when i when i leave the room i'm leaving backwards you're just spinning with people as they move around.

What are you doing? He always walks on the outside of the rooms. It's kind of weird. Just keeps his back to the wall. Alright, we don't want the pimple. We'll move on. Would you rather have to be a beekeeper or a spider breeder?

I just saw the sunglasses resting on the mold. Oh, welcome to the party. Gigantic. It's a thing. All right, before I get to the next widget, now I have to circle back because I have to ask a real question. Okay.

I'm going to turn this into a that's a great question, help me out life. No, life advice. All right. So you guys have answered the pimple one, right? Jason's face is saying he doesn't like this one. Have you run into people who have a blemish that you know is very easily removable and correctable, but then they just leave it?

You know what I mean? Right. What do that's like. What do you mean by you know is easily fixable? Give me an example. Like a giant mole on your face. Like, if you had one of those, would you get that? I mean, you'd get it removed, right? Yes.

Personally, I would, yeah. But you think it's a choice of, like, some people don't because they don't want to? They don't know they can? I mean, you. Like, why are we keeping the giant? You still have. Sunglasses, man. I mean, that's going to be a huge scar in the middle of your forehead.

As opposed to? I'm just saying. Upgrade. I'm just saying you have to make the choice of, to you, what would you rather have there? Because there's going to be something there either way like i get uh i get uh lipomas and there which that is like it's just a random spot in your body anywhere and it's just they build up a fatty tissue that over time then just continues to grow and grow you gotta get them taken out where out. Where it looks like when they become very large,

it pretty much looks like a tumor wherever it is. It's not the tumor. And so I have some now in my torso area where it's at this point now of, that's going to be a huge

scar. Did you let it go too far? Well, sometimes you don't know until it's too late because they can be deeper. And then just like once they finally start pushing towards the surface, that's going to be a humongous scar. So you have to make the choice of what do you rather. Would you rather just have the lump there or would you rather have a gigantic scar? Here's the life advice question, though, is that if you see somebody with, is there a polite way to say you should get that out i don't think so if it's something you care about and you love no no no there's there's no way to

politely suggest that you know the technology's really been changing if it's your spouse if it's direct family you know like you don't like me the way i am in the nuclear family it's your spouse, if it's direct family, you know. You don't like me the way I am? In the nuclear family. It's got to be close. Not like a cousin you see sometimes. It's got to be someone that, like, you can just say, hey, I think you should get that removed. That's fine.

Papa Josh says give him a gift card to a dermatologist. Oh, happy birthday. Why is it $443.22? Well, that's the price after tax to get that thing gone. Yeah, there is no polite way to tell someone, hey, you should remove that mole. You're like, what? Okay, just making sure. I feel like the only way to go about it is you concoct a story. We're all getting our moles off.

Let's go. You tell a story of, oh, you know, I had a close friend that had a mole that looked just like that. Oh, no. And they went and looked, and it was highly cancerous, and they're dead now because they didn't take care of themselves. Right. No.

Yeah. It was a. So. No. Yeah. So. It was a. So. So. Just for. Boy, I had a friend and their nose was about that size. We're just getting a nose job now. It just seems like the same thing.

All right. Would you rather. I had a friend whose lips were, they were just so tiny. You got to plump those up. They got cancer of the lip. They're dead now um their lips weren't big enough to survive all right would you rather have to be a beekeeper or a spider breeder jason had a very strong reaction i mean what is this i don't know who put this in here what

does a spider breeder even do nothing it's just this is somebody set this up for jason you're just farming spiders right because i mean there are if you have you know do people do this if you have larger farm animals there are procedures that you have to help the the animal to actually get pregnant but what is what does a spider breeder do just has it just has i can't even i can't even with this question like i i'm really having a i just like not tarantulas just the concept let's all you're going bees i'm going bees all the pukers at home are like yeah take that jason oh man that man. That's what you get. I am crawling right now.

Like a spider? Yeah, like they are crawling all over me. Like into that pocket on your shirt? Just the concept of spider breeder. So that means you're housing hundreds? They're in cages and stuff. Yeah, but they don't have a litter. You know what I mean? No, no, no. They they're like... I mean, they could probably get out. They don't have a litter. It can't be a regular... No, no, no. They have a lotter.

Yes, they have a lotter is what spiders have. So you just have hundreds or thousands of just... So the bees. Yes, the bees. I've actually kind of wanted to be a beekeeper. I think that'd be fun. Now, the only caveat to that... Could you do it? I need to be

stung in a controlled environment first. I've never been stung. Is this a worry about allergies or pain? Yes. In fact, I know it's super rare, but I literally just read the saddest story about a 37-year-old firefighter who had never been stung, got stung one time and died wow due to anaphylactic reaction and because i'm 40 and never been stung which mike you've never been stung i've never been stung either never been stung somehow the three of us are putting off the get away from us pheromones

for the bees but i've never been stung but if i if you could sting me in a controlled environment and let me know that i'm gonna be fine i would 100 be able to do it like i've become more comfortable being around bees in general and i told you about the drive-through bee situation yes i mean was that on the other show or i don't even know it might have been on here who knows i don't know we do a lot of shows but i i mean i was just like hey if i'm chill the bees will be chill yeah and that's the truth it is because the beekeepers i've had one come to my house no gear removing uh a clump of bees it wasn't a nest it was like they were clumped up because they you know they travel yeah and he removes them all from a tree thousands of bees no gloves no mask no nothing and i watched him do it yeah i tell my kids he

just tells the bees beforehand yo be chill when we're like out at a pool or something and a bee comes around i always say be calm be calm and the only stingers or the only stings i've ever like our family's ever had our kids and stuff have always been stepped on a bee, sat on a bee, pinched a bee in the crink of your arm, whatever. It's always you're squishing a bee and it's their last resort. They're like, ah! They're not like looking for you because they die after they sting you. Yeah.

It's a kamikaze bee situation. Yeah, I get it. So beekeeper. Yeah, beekeeper. Someone stepped on me, I'd sting them too. None of us want to mess with the spiders, right? I don't even know. I'm still trying to figure out what the spider person would even do.

You just have an aquarium full of... You're just breeding spiders to release into the wild. There's no such thing as this, right? No, I don't think so. I googled spider breeder. Yeah, I'm not allowed to google that. That's fine. I'm taking care of it for you.

There's an adult in the room. I bet they breed. I bet there's money to be made in the tarantula side. Maybe. Because those things are, I don't know. Tarantulas, they do not bother me. No, me neither. Jason's really, I don't know why.

They're slow. Yeah. They just chill. They'll go on hikes with you. I mean, they're fine. Next question. Would you rather have to bring your wife home? Wait, that's not the sentence.

Yeah. Would you rather have your wife bring home a stray cat once in a while? Once in a while. Or have a dog that always goes to the bathroom inside the house. Occasional stray or regular doo-doo. Now, once the stray has been brought home, this is now our cat? I don't know if you've got to. Well, until it becomes a stray again.

I mean, this cat obviously at some point is just going to leave you. But, I mean, the old adage of if you feed a stray Oh because they hang out? Yeah they will now always come back. Oh it's once a week not once in a while. Okay so once a week I can't read. Once a week you're adding

If you bring your wife home Would you rather bring your wife home once a week or be a cat? Bill Brask. So my dog goes to the bathroom inside or every year I'm acquiring 52 new cats. Yeah, yeah. That's true.

Yeah, I can put piddle paddles down or whatever they're called. They come home home they hang out for two days then they leave so you do get a period of no pets okay every week you get two days of the stray okay so that that means basically because none of us are cat people here you two are both allergic to cats so the question is really would you rather have a cat in your home two sevenths of the week in some ways i feel like i would be allergic to feces all over the place you know what i mean oh i do know what you mean you know better than i do do know what you mean but i will say i'm taking the dog yeah cats suck cats suck man sorry out there and a stray cat you know know, if you're going to get, here's the thing,

if you're going to get 52 different stray cats. Oh, you're getting some bad ones. Yeah, you're going to get some bad ones. And a bad cat, they can destroy your arm. You want to try to touch this cat, it will rip up your couch, your curtains, your flesh. No, I'm going dog. Doggy doo-doo.

I'll just get into a habit. You know what I mean? Like three times a day I got to walk the house and get rid of the doo-doo. That's what you got to do. And then I'll have like, maybe I'll have like some like carpet spray and stuff on like a holster. Like a holster. What, an Amazon subscriber? Well, certainly.

But no, I mean, I've got to have it holstered because i'm fine and then i'm i mean is it better to live in a big house with the dog no small small house small but the smell in a small house is a factor it's 100 of the time trust me on this but you but your problem is with a little dog yeah your problem was not with big dog big bowel movement big dog is unacceptable big dog poop is that is i've only had one i've only had one time ever where because i've got two big dogs and then i had that little tiny one that is the poop and pee fest when we first moved into our house i've only had one accident from a big dog ever in in as long as i can remember when we first moved into this house the first day i think it was like the first minute in the house we like we brought the dogs in they're just

christening the house and the first thing that our dog who who's totally potty trained, never has an accident, can't even imagine him having an accident, went right up near the back door and just took a massive man-sized dump. I mean, this thing was just up. It was like a child's arm. And oh my sweet mercy. The whole house smelled. The whole house. Yes. Smell. For a while.

Smell. That's the smell I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. That's. Of when you, we just, not just had it, but with our puppy

when we were training him, you know, we first got, we leave the house, go do some sort of Christmas experience and you come home, you, the moment you open the door, you go, oh, no.

Yeah, you know it. Oh, no. There is a dog in a crate that has pooped and is now covered in poop, and it reeks. I guess with a stray cat, you could have a cat room. So the stray cat gets the room. Oh, this room belongs to the cats. Yeah, and there's a bunch of litter and stuff in there, right?

Okay. You just put the cat in there for two days and then let it go after that? Yeah, I mean, you have to sacrifice something here, so just sacrifice a room. I guess. All right, let's go ahead and move on here. Boy, yeah, I don't think spider breeders are real. All right. It's time for our expertise once again uh what is the difference between a chore

a task and a project okay that's one's easy i think that's not too bad a chore is repeated a chore is not a one-off i actually thought maybe the chore was something that had to be assigned to you sure but like you can't assign a chore to yourself? Yeah, you can. You can? Yeah. Yeah. You could say, I do the trash. I flash them back to my childhood. It's something that has to

be done repeatedly over time and it is also involved with just around your home. And a project is obviously a one-time larger... Big. But you're done. You finish a project. A project also

ends in a thing. Okay? If you're working on a project, at the end of that project, it doesn't have... It can be digital. It can be physical. So you're telling me cleaning the house is not a project? No. Exactly right. That's a physical. So you're telling me cleaning the house is not a project? No. Exactly right.

No, that's a chore. So it can't be a... Now... What about cleaning out the fridge? Is that a project? That's a chore. Yeah, I think that's a chore. That's a chore. That's a chore.

That's a chore. That's a chore. That's a chore. That's a chore. That's a chore. That's a chore. So you... Go ahead, Mike.

Spring cleaning. Yeah, that's a chore. Yeah, I think it's still a chore. Is it? I think it's still a chore. You don't get anything at the end based on jason i'm saying is it a task because spring cleaning is it's the once a year deep clean a task goes on a sticky note yeah a task has to be on a sticky note first to cross off yeah you

cross it off it's it's certainly a one-off um you know you you might do that again but you don't know when and you write it on a note before you do. Like spring cleaning. I know when that is. It's every spring. You know what I mean? So a chore can be yearly. It could be a yearly chore. Okay, that's what I needed to define.

Like every year we change our sheets in our bed like that. Do you really? No, of course not. I was like, wow. We never change them. All right, so I think we figured that out yeah that we should that was easy all right what is the difference between soup chowder and a bisque and i don't know the answer at this moment but i know we'll figure it out momentarily it's pronounced

chowder chowder uh a chowder. Chowder. A chowder is chunky. That's why they put the CH in the front of it. Is that why it's... That's why they say ch. It's the same sound. Ch. A chowder must also include something that starts with a C.

Really? There's corn chowder. Clam chowder. And clam chowder. Corn chowder. And that's the end of the list. Those? There's corn chowder. Clam chowder. And clam chowder. Corn chowder. And that's the end of the list. Those are the only two chowders? Those are the only chowders. Officially recognized chowders.

Let me Google this. Why are you doing that? Because I just want to confirm. You are right. That's crazy. See, yeah. Corn and clam are the only chowders? I didn't even need to Google it.

I already knew. A bisque sounds like the kind of soup a rich person eats. Like if you're poor, you have a soup. If you're rich, you have to have a bisque. Well, the bisque is like a chowder, except it's all completely blended. There's no chunks. If you blend a chowder, you get a bisque. Chowder is chunky.

Bisque is creamy. It's smooth. Interesting. So it's smooth interesting so it's if you took a chowder yeah and you blend it it's now a bisque you just made a bisque real settled yeah yeah figured it out so then what's the soup has broth okay but but you can't blend a soup and turn it into a bisque nah because when you because it's brought it's all broth there's no cream too thin you can't have cream in a soup and turn it into a bisque? Nah, because it's all broth. There's no cream. It's too thin. You can't have cream in a soup. It might still live. So a bisque is a soup with cream

in it. Or a blended chowder. Yeah. Maybe they started as a soup and then you put cream in it and made it a bisque or put some chunks in it and made it a chowder. What other bisques are there besides tomato? Lobster.

Oh, yeah, yeah, lobster bisque. That's not going to be drafted. Yeah, oh, man. Okay, so it's just real creamy, real chunky, real thin? Exactly right. No, it's easy, too. What's the difference between being crazy, insane, and demented? Ooh.

I like it. You would. You're one of these three guess which one uh i hope it's not demented because okay demented is evil if you're that's such a good way to figure this one out is like which would you rather be called oh yeah which i'd rather be called crazy well the crazy gets crazy and insane for trying those both those words get just thrown around all the time they're yeah they're the point where they've kind of lost that's crazy mike yeah they definitely lost their meaning right yeah they're just little throwaway things long ago there were insane asylums right where they put people crazy is like i had too much sugar you know i mean you're too hyper you're like you went crazy because you were like yeah you can go crazy you cannot be but like but you can go crazy and you can come back yeah exactly an insane person you don't come back you can't come back you can't go in and out of insanity. You're an insane person. But you're not trying to take over the world.

Right. Like a demented person? Then you would be demented. Demented people, they got the demon in them. Oh, is that where the word came from? That is, that has, demented. Now, did it start like it was just a guy named Ted and he got a demon? Yeah, it was like, oh.

Demon Ted! And then we all just misheard it, and we just use that now? That is actually where it came from. Demon Ted is the son of a gun. Yeah, he started a bad trend. Keeps trying to take over the world. Anybody can dip into crazy anytime they want. Yeah, I go crazy all the time.

Like, so I have a bad call at an NFL game. You go crazy. Oh, I get so crazy. Temporarily. Temporarily. Right. Oh, but there is temporary insanity. You go crazy. Temporarily. Oh, but there is temporary insanity. Oh, no. Which implies that regular insanity is not temporary.

So temporary insanity, man, that's crazy. What's the difference between an explosion, an eruption, and a blast? Well, a blast is super fun. Obviously, you're having a blast. An eruption must go up into the sky.

An eruption has to, it's a buildup from inside. What things erupt? Mike on inside of the taxi cab. An eruption has to have a funnel. Yeah. Shape? Well, have a funnel. Yeah. Shape? Well, it projects from one spot. That's an upside down funnel.

I'm saying like it goes into a spout. Oh, like a geyser? Is that an eruption? Yeah, that would be an eruption. Absolutely. And a volcano, obviously. An explosion goes 360. An explosion goes in all directions.

Interruption? Not down. Well, I'm just you if you throw a grenade in the okay yeah then it does it does a full 360 obviously if it's on the ground is a blast something with a purpose a blast is a small explosion oh it is smaller yeah it's controlled so if you were going to try to open up some of the mountain for like a thorough like to put a a road through it yeah you'd blast it's not explosion no there's blasting yeah yeah that's what the signs say or beware of blasting right it's also an awesome fart like if you yes really like yeah just do one of them kick farts with the dog you're talking about that's a blast oh that is both a blast because it's fun, but it's also like, oh, I blasted that part. Let me ask you something privately.

Okay. Just between me and you. Have you ever had a blast turn into an eruption? If you gamble at the wrong time. I will say you could also do it at the right time because I've had a blast on the toilet. Oh. And then it's like, oh, baby, now it's an eruption. We were having some fun.

I was blasting farts onto that water. And then. Oh, come on. What? Come on, man. Yeah. Okay. Oh, that story was not a on, man. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, that story was not a blast to tell you that. Okay. Man, we learned so much. Yeah. One more for you. What is the difference between rage, anger, and hatred? Rage, anger, and hatred. I mean, hatred is- It's obviously-

Hatred is a permanent- It has to be aimed at one thing. Hatred does. It can't be just- You can't just be like, I have a lot of hatred, but it- Right. You have to hate things. Yeah, like a Prius.

Right. Like you hate- I hate- Or drivers of Prius. You hate them too. I hate a moving Prius and all inside so but like rage and anger can be like parked it's so much better parked it's so I feel like it can't hurt me okay so I feel like rage and anger though those are things that like something like a Prius could

cause you to get angry but then you could carry that angry around and then that you're an angry person and then you get angry with someone else because of the previous hatred rage to me is action based on anger yeah you're angry but when you're right if you if you're uncontrollable right if you don't throw a glass yeah you you don't got rage you have to have at least hit something oh yeah slam your hand on a table. You slam a table. You hit a wall. Oh, you went from angry to rageful.

Yeah, you do something. You rip a throat. You just rip a throat. I mean, there's a wide scale somewhere between slapping a table and ripping someone's throat out. Yeah. That's still rage. That's all rage. That's rage because it caused action.

Can rage last as long as anger? No, you can't stay in rage mode. No. I feel like if you wanted to- And you can't rage all the time. No. I feel like anger is like- It'll burn out.

It's like a pot that's bubbling. Right. But rage is like if the- When it boils over. When it boils over. When it boils over. Forgot the wooden spoon on the top. Yeah, I haven't tried that yet. Oh, it's-

But I don't feel like hatred belongs in this category. Hatred is deep emotional and is so close to love. What? There's a fine line between love and hate love and hate there is oh yeah oh yeah just ask him about hitler you could i'm just saying oftentimes you end up hating what you once loved in except for the one i just said right i said oftentimes that this is a hundred percent i mean what give me an example like an x you know what i mean like you it was because you love the letter no mike you dummy give me you know what yeah

give me something you just disrupted all for a non-joke all right go on jason um i'm saying like you know when you fall in love with someone you hate them that is that is there are good odds that someday you might hate them yeah so when you yeah i i mean i've heard that before i guess i just don't understand it well we're here to make things understandable but you understand it now mike no i don't know anything that's happening right now when he's focused on the letter when you when you have which i hate full emotions like like hate is far more emotional it's not just like a physical i'm so angry i think those are all emotional this is this but i get what you're saying heart level it's directed yeah i mean it there is a source there is a there is a singular source. Would you rather someone hate you, be angry at you, or-

I don't want them to rage at me. Don't rage at you? No, because then they're going to strike me. What happens when people go to ragers? If you go to a rager- That's a party, right? Yes. That's real intense?

It's a real angry party. A lot of action happening there. All right. We're going to move on. Okay, please. The Spitballers Draft. Well, today we are drafting the worst four-course meal. Each of us have four picks.

You may select a dessert, a main course, an appetizer, and a beverage. Or drink, whatever you want to call it. Yep. And, Jason, you have the first pick. These are always fun because there's some gamesmanship, right? Like, you know, we only can pick one of each category. Yeah, you've got to can pick one category. Yeah. So Jason, you are, he's already cracking himself up. I'm cracking myself up because I made a list and I could only come up with two appetizers that I didn't like. So I love appetizers. Okay. Cause you're like, I, and so now it's like, you better

grab one cause it gets stolen. Right. But then I thought of the perfect appetizer. I was like, oh, that's it. For a bad meal. That's my number one pick, and so I added it to my list. And I just went back to my list, and that is gone. I don't know why it didn't save it. I can't remember what it was. Oh, no.

My number one pick. What is happening? Your favorite pick out of everything. You can gamble with this if you remember on the way back. Oh, man, I'm going to remember. You can gamble with this if you remember on the way back. Oh, man. I'm going to remember. You can't remember. It's going to come to me.

Nope. Any moment now. Any moment now. Okay. Well, gosh, that's not good. Good to see it starting well. Yeah. All right.

What's your number one pick? My number one pick my number one pick um you know i'm trying to go with things that um people like you know what i mean like sure there are you know those of us in this room super smart there's dumb people out there and they like bad things and so um i i want to teach them to stop ordering he's still trying to remember he's still trying to remember yes so i'm gonna go with something that i've been told is good i've had people look me dead in the face and say oh you haven't had it this way and i'm like what are you talking about you you are make you are lying to yourself i have had it okay it's eggplant parmesan oh dude

that that's that's nasty bullcrap it is what are we doing that's a main course yeah yeah that's the entree main course eggplant parmesan it's like i say oh i oh i hate eggplant and i say that because it's disgusting and then they go oh no no no no eggplant parmesan so good i'm like no it's not no it is not you want to know what it is so good. I'm like, no, it's not. No, it is not. You want to know what it is? It's the healthier version of something that is delicious, and so you convince yourself it's okay.

It is disgusting. So Eggplant Parmesan will not be on my. It is demented. Yeah, just so gross. All right, so no Eggplant Parmesan. You're serving a. Okay, wow. There you go. All right.

Well, my first pick, I'm going to go the dessert route. Yes. I know. Because he knows. I know what you're going to pick. He knows. We just had a big conversation about it. Because it's called fake good.

It looks good. It ain't sweet. It sucks. Everyone thinks that they're going to like it. But guess what? You just finished your meal, and they're bringing you out a nice plate of cannolis they look so good they should be so good they you're telling me that this this crispy donut looking shell yeah with a delicious cream inside powdered sugar maybe some maybe some like a couple chocolate chips on it oh my gosh and then every bite is

like so disappointing i'm just that's a letdown dessert i'm not even mad i'm just disappointed because when they serve it and oh it's dessert i still order them yeah you know it's like do you have any dessert we only have cannolis i'm like all right i'll take some and then they deliver them and i get excited again they're not sweet they're not sweet why don't we put sugar in them i don't know that's like a an italian trick the italians are tricking us with them cannolis we need to make american cannolis that's what we call them american cannolis and everyone will know oh this is like super full of sugar and fat yeah that'd be better darn right and they break apart too they're all flaky so you not only do you not bite it like a normal you know like a donut or something where it's like

chewy and delicious it breaks apart and not sweet i think cannoli suck okay and that is why it's part of my terrible four-course i totally understand you knew i was going there mike huh yeah it was i would have taken it yeah yeah because that Yeah. By the way, for all of you out there, they're going, I love cannoli. No, you don't. We got like 10, 12 people in this office. I don't remember anymore how many. They all hated cannolis when we talked about this. There wasn't one defender. Because

it's disappointing. But we do actually We want to like them. We want to like them. And we do convince ourselves we like them sometimes. Like, when I hear cannoli, I'm like, oh, that sounds good. Right off the bat, I'm like, wait, I like cannolis. And people listening are thinking, wait, I like cannolis. And Mike's right.

No, you don't. Yeah. Eat one, and you'll go, oh, this cannoli is not that good. Let me find a good one. You have a fake memory of you loved a cannoli. I swear I had a good one somewhere. I can't remember where it was. It was so good.

No, it's a memory in your head of what it looks like it should taste like. Like it looks like it should taste delicious. Yeah. It's so bland. All right, Mike, you got two picks. All right. You can be strategic here. And I believe part of my plan will be there's some foods where I just don't agree.

I think it tastes bad. Oh, no. Did you remember? I remember bad. Oh, dang it. Let's get it before it comes back to him. I got to write it down. There's food that I think is bad, and then there's just food that's disappointing, like a cannoli.

But we're going to start it off. Let me just double check. So I'm going to start it off with my beverage. Hmm. I don't understand it. I will take Clamato. Oh, yeah. It's on my list.

Yeah, I have tomato juice at number one. Why are we doing this? Why are we putting clam in juice? So that's like a tomato clam juice. Yeah. Yes. Which, by the way, I know a lot of people like. So that's like a tomato clam juice. Yeah. Yes. Which, by the way, I know a lot of people like. Flavored with spices, dried clam broth.

I also know that Jason likes the drink that's related-ish. Not the clam part, but you like Bloody Marys. I do like Bloody Marys. Bloody Marys are terrible, too. Yeah, they're very good. They're like, who wants to drink some spicy tomato? Ooh, refreshing. Yeah, I'm not in with that one either.

Okay, but Clamato? Okay. Yeah, people have a Bloody Mary in the morning. It's like, day's done. I've ruined it. I have indigestion all day. Does this come with toast? They're spicy.

I don't know what we're doing with that, but anyways, back to Clamato juice. What? Clam? What? It was the last two things they had in the factory the factory was done packaging this stuff they're like we got some clams and tomatoes left over what if we make a drink and although i've never had it because there's clam in it it's disgusting yeah if someone served me a meal because that's how i'm picturing this

i want us to be we're at a restaurant and they're bringing four courses. And if they're like, here's your beverage, sir. And it's a glass of Clamato. Yeah. That's not happening. All right. And then I'm going to also take my appetizer. Ooh.

And it's, the honest truth is, it's not that this is necessarily like disgusting. It's just like, oh, it's a vegetable soup. Just a vegetable soup. I love a good vegetable soup. You know what? I put vegetables at number two on my appetizers because who the heck wants vegetables? You go and they're like, what's the soups? Well, you can get a tomato bisque or we have a vegetable soup.

Or some vegetable medley. You're going to pick the vegetable soup? Certainly not always, but I don't always pick one thing. I have different moods, Mike. Sometimes I do order vegetable soup. By choice. You have a veggie mood? By choice.

Boo. Don't hear what I'm not saying. If next to it was a vegetable and beef soup, like the same exact thing, they just add some chunks of meat, I will never order the vegetable soup. I would prefer to have some chunks of meat. But the vegetable soup broth is good. The broth is good. Do you eat the vegetables?

Yes, I eat the vegetables. The only time I order vegetable soup is when they include the calorie count on the menu, and I can see what the other soups are, and I go, okay, I'll take the festival one because it's only 80 calories. But my mouth isn't happy. Yeah, and I guess making a bad four-course meal,

calorie counting would be on there. It's just disappointing. It's a disappointing way to start your meal. Yeah, it is. You know what? I have my pick here and Jason's already taken his main course, right?

That is correct. And it circles back to me. So I don't have to take a main course because I can take it with my next pick. Which means that I can select either an appetizer or a drink. I guess I'm going to go appetizer and we're gonna go with some fish soup okay we're going fish soup i've never heard of that that's because it's mo it's almost been it's like

almost it's like smallpox we've almost gotten rid of it we've almost gotten rid of that sounds awful yeah there's and and the real you see i don't know if you picked it up but the worst part of that it's the fish you know the soup right the soup part is the the soup part is fine but you know the fish soup cannoli combo so far i think it's pretty pretty nasty okay so i mean i'm going fish soup jason we'll get it back to you i'm guessing fish soup wasn't the thing fish soup was not the thing i remembered i did remember my appetizer food made by combining fish or seafood with vegetables in stock yeah i did remember my soup my appetizer um however you have both now taken your appetizer right yeah so this will be my first pick will be my final pick um which I'm just now realizing, which means not prepared for.

You know you had two picks here, no matter what. So I'm taking my dessert and my drink together. Mike. Oh, because you're back to back. Yeah, I'm back to back. Mike, I'm so upset at who you've become because we used to hate this oh brother oh oh brother i'm taking i'm taking an ipa yeah because they're disgusting delicious they taste like earwax what happened to you mike i became sophisticated i mean no one hated ipas more than you and now you're like

now you go places you go do you have an ipa you're one of those guys yeah i'm like hey what's uh give me the menu oh my gosh they they're just they taste like earwax they're so hoppy and they're so bad like i i don't think i could drink one you put down like like a big mug of an IPA. I'd be like, ooh, that looks good. Let me have a sip of this beer. And I'd take a sip and I'd be like. I don't think I could drink it. I don't blame you. I understand I was one of you.

But, I mean, let this be a lesson. Pace can change. I can't change. I'm changing. I was 40 years old before I was like, oh, I guess I like't change. I'm changing. I was 40 years old before. I was like, oh, I guess I like this now. There may be hope for lemon desserts now. Could be.

Oh, he's an open-minded man. All right. I like the open-mindedness. Which is great, considering his takes were always terrible with food. Yeah, because maybe- He's got an open mind now. Well, apparently they still are with IPAs. They're just so bitter.

They're so bitter. Wait, have you become so bitter with life that it now fits? Yeah, it matches the taste of my heart. This tastes like life. Why be happy with this? All right, so I've got my dessert to take, and I'm going to take something that no one eats. No one eats.

No one eats. But so many people receive it every year it's fruitcake dude it's almost it was my number that's your dessert then yeah my dessert is fruitcake like what do you why why do we still make things that we invented 100 years ago when that was all we could do i'm telling you that's where the cannolis are from. A hundred years ago when that was sweet compared to the coal they were eating. They're usually dry-ish.

They're weird because they're moist and dry at the same time. They're just awful technically. You're grossing me out talking about it. They've got little tiny, I don't even know that you can call them fruit. They're like plastic pieces of fruit in the... I'm talking aesthetically oh aesthetically it's disgusting yeah it's just what are we doing it looks like something that

has been digested you know how you you go and you you look and it's like oh yeah there's corn and in that that's what this cake looks like it's a good pick it makes sense it's a good pick. It makes sense. It's a terrible dessert. And look, for my main course, I'm going to go with that now. My main course, you pay up for it. It looks terrible. It's the opposite of a cannoli. And it is the consistency of snot. So I'm going with oysters. Yeah.

Ew. Yeah. I mean, I don't need to say anything else. Like, they should bring, like, if you accidentally order them and it comes to your table, they should go, here you go, sir. By the way, ew, they're snotty. I recently had, like had my first oyster. And?

Don't you dare. No. IPA boy. It was not something I would ever want, but my final decision was I could make this happen. If I had to. If you were forced to do snot shots. If I had to do it, I could make it happen. But this is not something I would do.

Do you chew it? A little bit. Oh! Yeah, it's one of those, like... It's more like a tongue mash. You just kind of press it. But why? Do you even taste it?

The taste is... It tastes fishy. It tastes fishy, which is why people usually put Tabasco sauce on it. To cover the fish taste? So that all you taste is Tabasco sauce. It's like, have you had Tabasco snot? You can pay a lot and have that. All right.

Who's up, Mike? I am up with my two final picks. So I'll start with the dessert. And this is more of a, it's just disappointing. Imagine you had a great meal. Everything was delicious. And then they just come out and they say, here's a fortune cookie. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So here's the problem. And you go, okay. When I was looking up desserts, I kept seeing those as like very. Oh, they were popping up? They were popping up as like, you know, bad desserts. And it's true because it's like fortune cookies aren't good you're not like look but but i still like them you know what i mean like yeah they're not they're they're they're a worthless dessert

i mean they're so worthless have they ever been yeah they're just that's what i was gonna say has anybody ever like seen them on a dessert menu where they're like, I'd like a large Give me the large fortune cookie, please. I don't know. But is there... I feel like they're just always disappointing. Both the fortune and the cookie. It's more, I'm talking about the taste. It's just like, it's got a good crunch.

Okay. But it's not... After the fortune cookie has been eaten, it has not satisfied the sweet tooth or anything that you're hoping for when you get something that's called a cookie. Okay. Yeah. Makes sense. The fortune inside literally says you are somewhat dissatisfied right now.

You are about to be very disappointed. And for my main course, I know of this because of my Nordic heritage. I don't know why this is a thing. Do we know of it? You may have heard the name. Are you familiar with lutefisk? Yeah, it's on my list. It is on my list.

Are you familiar with lutefisk? I've heard it. What is it? Lute. Lutefisk is a dried whitefish, usually cod, cured in lye. It is made from aged stockfish or dried and salted cod. The fish takes a gelatinous texture after being rehydrated for days prior to eating. That sounds not good, man.

It's supposed to have one of the worst smells, too, right? Oh, yeah. That is what I know it from. But it's like, hey, let's take take this fish let's soak it in poison then we'll rinse it off so it's not poisonous anymore and we'll make it jello that does make me wish i'd taken a puffer fish for my main course i thought about it just so you could be dancing with the devil because you might die like you don't there's no cure for it all i'm the only thing i know is die fish is the simpsons episode yeah i mean well i just read about somebody that

bought a puffer fish and tried to prepare it themselves they're not with us anymore oh no yeah they died yeah don't even because they ate a food that they could die eating gotta be a professional yeah which how did how did they get to the point yeah of let's give this a go you're like oh we i think this part's okay let's test it let's find out no ted yeah they just had you had to have like 20 people in a line yeah all willing to like take one for the team and then and then the 11th person lived and then they they're like, that's the part. That's the part you could eat. I've never had it. But how good can it be?

It can't be good enough to accidentally die. It's a super delicacy, too. All right, my final pick is my drink. So why not, while you're sitting down with your fish soup and your oysters and your cannolis, enjoy just a refreshing tall glass of skim milk. Oh, that's a great pick. Yeah, just a tall glass of milk water.

Talk about disappointing. I mean, just. Skim milk. You don't feel like you did anything. Skim milk satisfies nothing. Nothing. I know. It's so thin.

Did you ever go to a friend's house for like a sleepover and then oh yeah they were skim milk and they were skim milk family and you're like what are we doing here yeah there was i am this water we it's milk water no and there was like a weird time in our lives where you think they were pushing some milk somehow somehow fatty milk became like public enemy number one and it was like my house we were a skim milk house you were a skim milk on us? Somehow, fatty milk became public enemy number one. And it was like my house, we were a skim milk house for a while. You were a skim milk house? My cousin's house was a skim milk house.

Oh, we didn't have the gut, man. I was a skim milk house. We got to 1%, but that was it. You could not escape skim milk. And then we finally broke free of this. And I'm a strong 2% milk man. Our house is still usually- You go 2%? You're a 2% family. You ain't, dude, what? Our house is still usually- You go 2%?

You're a 2% family. You ain't. Dude, what? Our house is usually still skim milk. Why? I don't know. I don't drink milk, man. It's not for me.

You don't have a ball of cereal? I haven't had cereal in a long time. You want to know why? Because I got skim milk. Yeah. Because I wouldn't want to have cereal with that either. 2% is the right milk. You make your children drink skim milk?

I don't know. They don't have to drink it. Mike, Mike. We throw it out every month. Nobody drinks it in this house. They just buy it. Yeah. Nobody drinks milk in the Moore's house.

Let it go bad and then dump it? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Jason, your final pick. Now, this is the secret pick that you had stashed away that should have been number one. That's right. So, it's to your advantage that you forgot it. It was because I was able to draft other things and still get it with the last pick.

I, too, Andy, am taking oysters. But I'm taking the Rocky Mountain oysters, which are not oysters but testicles. They are commonly eaten. Fried goat balls. I thought it was a bowl. Is this an appetizer for you? Yeah, wait. Fried goat balls. I thought it was a bowl. Is this an appetizer for you? Yeah, that's my appetizer. This is a very common appetizer.

Oh. I talked to Schneider. Schneider has had them, because they're deep fried, usually. So he said they taste fine. Let me get his exact quote here. Oh, you did some research. Yeah, they taste fine, but texture is as unpleasant as you might suspect. And I don't know that I could eat them.

I don't know. Knowing what they were. The mental hurdle. The mental hurdle of putting this plate down and you put two little Rocky Mountain oysters. Just a pair. Just a pair a pair yeah that's how they're usually served as in two come on come on you're not gonna how you're serving balls it is what it is yeah it's two or four though right right it's just two you you order you order two orders you're getting two plates sir the cow Yeah. So it's got a lot of names.

Oh. Yeah. Names for this show? Yeah, I think so. I think they're pulling them up. Well, that sounds bad. I appreciate the not trying to be wasteful. Yeah.

If we're going to eat this animal, let's try and use everything you possibly can. Cowboy caviar was what I was looking for. That's good. That's good. Have you guys had certain new animals you've tried to eat that because- Horse. Like horse. Yes, yes.

Because they're a different animal, like you can't get over the mental hurdle eating them? I don't think I've come across that, no. See, there's been a couple of those. Like I couldn't, like for some reason I can't enjoy duck. Oh, duck's delicious. Because it's a different, it's just like this isn't the this isn't the animal i'm used to eating yeah i get that and uh i think another one was it wasn't venison but it was like i don't know veal maybe it was veal which one's which i always get those two mixed up

venison and veal one of them's like a baby cow and one of them's a veal one of them's a venison's a a deer right yeah veal is the meat of, yeah. I think it was venison that I had the problem with because I'm like, ah, I'm eating Bambi. I've had Rudolph. You've had Rudolph? Yeah, I've had reindeer up when I was in my homeland of the Nordic area. So when you did that, was it first bite, you're in? It was fine. It's weird, right you're he's saying no mental

hurdle it wasn't no no yeah no i don't think you were like what's santa gonna do this year the only mental hurdle that i would have is like obviously rocky mountain oysters or or something that i know is like octopus which i've had in too Too chewy, man. There's something weird. Do you do calamari? I do do calamari, yeah. I love calamari. I actually, calamari is one of those foods where it's like, if I get a good calamari, I love it because it's not too chewy.

But if you get a bad calamari, it's like gum. It's the worst of the worst. And I hate it. One of the widest, usually you can't have a very large range of outcomes on fried food, but calamari has such a range. You order good calamari, it's unbelievable. You order bad calamari and it's disgusting, inedible. Why then would you continue to order it?

Because the good calamari is so good, so good. All right, just to run it back as we close things out, and I have a couple honoring mentions I want to bring up. Jason, eggplant parmesan, IPA beer, fruitcake, and Rocky Mountain oysters. I've got the – I guess I should do it kind of in order here, but I've got the fish soup as an appetizer. The oysters is my main course with a glass of skim milk and some cannolis at the end.

Skim milk is brutal. And then Mike has got a glass of Clamato, some vegetable soup, some lutefisk. Lutefisk. Lutefisk, and then finishing with a fortune cookie. It's not going to be strong enough to take that lutefisk taste out of his mouth. No, it is not. I wrote it down, but it's still a burger, so I couldn't pick it. But man, when you get served a burger that's a mile high, like you can't eat it.

I hate it. It's not possible. What are we talking about? Like I'm talking like when burgers- Like a big tall thick burger? You go to a fancy place- Not the burger itself, but like all the toppings are all the stuff. And they put so many things on it, and it's so tall.

There's no chance any human could put their mouth from the top bun to the bottom bun. It's, why are you serving me? You've got to cut it in half. I do cut it in half. Your mouth doesn't fit that big. Yeah, but once you cut it in half, you have a corner. You can kind of pinch it down. We do this, man.

We live this. We tried it out. I do what I can. We don't cut the mouth you got. When I get that. But there's still limitations. There's no reason to do it there's no chefs stop doing it it's not fancy it's stupid but also with burger i had uh portobello mushroom

burger oh that's terrible yeah let's figure out with a mushroom it's a burger it's just a big slab of mushroom i mean that's that's basically eggplant parmesan it's like oh you want you want this fried parmesan i also wrote i wrote a big salad down for my main course because who wants a big salad for their main course a big salad i'm not a rabbit i've got uh i've got let's see kombucha for the drink sure the one time i had it was terrible uh liver and onions oh that's one of those where it might be good. I don't know. I will never be able to eat it knowing it's liver.

And then tapioca pudding. Yeah, that's another one of them old ones. Tapioca pudding is just pudding that's gone bad. It's a great word, though. Tapioca. Yeah. What did we learn today? I learned that if you blend chowder, it turns into a bisque.

I mean, I wasn't aware. Yeah, well, that's why we teach you things. I learned about Demon Ted, the originator of being demented. Yeah. And I learned that spider breeders are probably not real. Probably. Jason, I want you to do the research that it takes to find out if that's a real job. Then you will own half of the company because I will be dead.

All right. That'll do it. Thanks for tuning in. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.