Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 277: Texas Tea Transactions & Furniture for a House - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

On this episode of Spitballers, we channel our inner mechanics before realizing we have none, dive into the competitive world of Highway to Spell and then argue the finer qualities of furniture in a best furniture for a house draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-bra-da-da-da-da-ding-dong-a-ding-a-dee-boom. What was the beginning of that? I mean, I was distracted. I wasn't paying any attention to your scat. All I heard was a bird dying.

Least favorite. That was my least favorite. Oh, man. You know, I think the last time I scatted, I tried to whistle, and I didn't hear anything. And I wanted to make sure I heard something. Did you hear it? I heard. We all heard.

Death. Hey. It was a, I did, I brought a bird. It's no longer with us. I commend you going for it because you can't, you can't find new magic if you're not willing to try something. That's right. Fail fast.

Yes. And you did. It's kind of like all the history of of health and medicine going back hundreds of years. Some people tried stuff and they died. It was poison, right? You don't know which plants to eat except for some people ate plants that were no good. And out of that, good plants were found. And so I'm working the process.

We are the same. We are the hunter-gatherers of the new age. Scat world? Yes. You figure out the right part of that puffer fish. Thank you. Yes. Welcome in one and all, Al Borland in the house today.

How are you doing, Al? I'm doing good. We've got Would You Rather, Highway to Spell, and we are drafting furniture for a house. And I told Jason, no, it's a good draft. It's a good draft because here's what's happening. I'm just picturing the three of us, we bought three houses. They're next to each other.

And there's a furniture store, and they only got one of everything. You know what I mean? And we're taking turns picking what we want for the house. And honestly, I think draft number one is – I mean, I'm going to get one item I really need, but it's going to be a long wait. There's a big two. I think there's like a big four.

Is there? I think so. Oh, crap. I've got to go look at my list. So, yeah, we'll be drafting furniture for a house, and the other people, they don't get it. If you take it, they don't get it if you take it they don't get it but we'll kick it off with some would you rather

would you rather sydney from patreon says would you rather have to wear swimming flippers or high heels all day while at work. Okay. I don't know if you two gentlemen have recently walked in flippers. Fairly recently. It's been a while, but they are extremely difficult to move around. I mean, I know that I'm not saying I would just rock a pair of pumps and be great in those high heels and be able to dance like the wind, but I know that basically I have to walk backwards. Yeah, that is a pro tip.

I had never used them except for last summer is when i used them for the first time snorkeling uh snorkeling and that i i can't tell you how incompetent i was from about one foot of water out to the beach made of sand, trying to cross that small space with onlookers. I gave up, sat in the water, took them off. I just gave up. And anybody that tries, here's a pro tip. Don't put them on before you're in the water.

Like go a foot deep, two two feet deep put them on there because you trying to go a couple of feet in flippers it doesn't work that was what so i i was snorkeling a couple years ago went on a family cruise and you know go to the shack where you rent the equipment and we put on the the flippers right there and it. And it's probably like 200 feet of beach down to the snorkel area. That's a long way. It was a pretty big beach. Lots of rows and rows and rows of beach chairs and people. And I feel like it was six or seven hours to make it to the water.

It was impossible. But then when you're in the water, those things are unbelievable. I get it, fish. You're doing some good work with these fins. If you wear high heels and you go to the bathroom, I'm thinking like you're walking across the hallway. I can't control myself here. Talk about the high heels, Jason.

Well, my calves would look real, real nice. You have some voluptuous calves. Yeah, my calves have had to carry around a lot of excess weight and and they're always working out they're always working out it's like every day i'm working out um i don't need exercise i don't need to go to a gym or do a sporting event i just got to like walk to the car stand wait okay real question when you uh You've been a svelter man at points in your life. Were your calves... Like, did you have big calves when you were... I did.

I always had... You just genetically had big calves. When did you first notice your oversized calves? High school? It was a long time ago. Like, were you looking in a mirror and you're like, hmm, I just... I got some powerful calves. I was actually told. I was... Oh, a compliment? Because you don't see your calves very often. Now, doesn't your father have nice calves too i do not know i thought you told me that i thought

you inherited them from your father talk to you about my father's calves i promise i thought i'm pretty sure you were telling me all about papa ron's calves i think you did there's no i think you got your calves gene Gene, from old Ron. No, I do not. So you don't know a thing about his calves. I know that he doesn't have a lot of hair on his calves. That's about it. Yeah, that's Papa Josh, dude. Okay.

I don't have a ton of experience in the high heels. Have you ever worn a pair of high heels? I'm sure I've thrown them on. Really? Just as good as I can. Can you walk in them? Can I do this? How? I mean, I'm saying it functionally. I've thrown them on. Really? Can you walk in them? Can I do this? How?

I mean, I'm saying it functionally. Like, I wear size 13 shoes. I have never come across a pair of high heels I could ever fit in. Yeah, there weren't going to be a pair fitted for my foot. Because it's like throw on a wife's pair. Well, if you were a kid, you could have put on your mom's high heels. Yeah, sure. Because your feet are smaller when you're a kid.

I don't really think so. You're on fire. In fact, most of them are smaller. His arms are smaller. Children are tinier versions of what they'll grow to be. Thanks, Andy. I never should have found this picture. Go on, Mike. So you think you've tried them out i just don't sure i have there's no way i can walk in them there's no way you can

walk around in flippers but none i feel like there's no chance in a stationary position if i'm just sitting at a desk how are you gonna drive well okay well it's just that way it's just at work it's just if i'm sitting at a desk i am way more uncomfortable wearing high heels at the desk because they collapse your toes and everything i know like i know that women want to get them off the whole point of putting them on is like i can't wait to get them off later that is the purpose yes um now i'm i'm curious right now keep your feet exactly where they are okay right now you didn't even think about it you're just naturally where you sit yeah how far away from

the the bottom of the bottom of the table are you right now like four inches i'm in flipper length yeah flipper length your flippers are gonna run into that right so yeah now you're gonna have to scooch back off the mic scoot your legs back if you're in flippers. I don't think it's going to be as comfortable as you think. I don't think it's going to be comfortable. I'm just saying I think I'd handle it better without the toes crunched. It's hard for me to think of wearing flippers on them not being wet. I guess these are dry.

Yeah, they would be dry. If I worked at the YMCA for the Yeah, they would be dry. Hmm. Now, you've got to get that. If I worked at like the YMCA for the pool, that'd be nice. You got to get the insert then. Because if it is dry on just your feet, you're getting blistered up. Although you might get blistered up in high heels. I'm taking the high heels. I'm taking the high heels.

Yeah, I'm taking the high heels. All right. And I'm going to start painting my toes. I'm going to look good in these things. Aaron from the website, once per day, would you rather have the ability to be transported anywhere you want to go by looking at a picture of the location, or would you rather have the ability to materialize anything you want by looking at a picture of the item? So up to $1,000.

Okay, smart. Man, because usually that is the loophole for these type of questions. It's just like, let me look at that gold bar. Now, Al, I can only... How about this? $1,000 in cash. Sure, I guess I don't have to exchange it. So you make $365K through this method.

Where do we even take gold? The gold store. No, where do you... Where do you take gold? If you have a bar of gold... We can take gold? The gold store. No, where do you take gold? If you have a bar of gold, where? You can take it to a pawn shop. Yeah, but your pawn shop's not giving you dollar for dollar worth of gold? No, they're not.

I said pretty much, not yes. Yeah, but pretty much meant almost. I think they're going to be trying to give you pennies on the dollar. Because then- No, the price of gold is, I mean, wherever you take gold, you just weigh it and give you money. I'm asking, I'm asking, where do you no it's got to be way under on the dollar because then no the price of gold is i mean wherever you take gold you just weigh it and give you money i'm asking where do you take it i'm not i'm not a genius i'm seeing pawn shops and jewelers yeah yeah they'll buy the gold you're never going to get dollar for dollar what it's worth because you know well then it's not worth it that's not the value of gold right if you can't get dollar

of dollar whatever the current rate of gold is this is a great that is not the current rate of gold can you take it to a bank we do have several gold exchanges nearby thank you okay that's the answer then um i i have to imagine that when you go there the guy's in suspenders. He's from the 1800s. He still lives a certain way. You sure look funny there, fella. Come on in with your gold. I'll take it once I put the rest on the tree. Ooh, that's a big block. But here's a, I see one major problem with the transported one.

Yeah? How do I get back? The next day. All all right that's easy i have solved your problem wait what did i miss from the question here because i had the same question because it's once per day you can be once per day you have teleportation as long as you have a photograph no but but i guess my point and what i thought andy was saying is like let's say i pull up a cool photograph on this here laptop that I'm working on right now.

I'm like, oh, Hawaii. Yeah. Boom. Well, now I'm in Hawaii. Right. You need a photo. I need a photo to get back. I don't have a photo of here.

No, you'd have to find something like, you'd end up finding like a photo of Phoenix. Oh, wait. I got a lot of photos on my phone. My phone comes with me, right? Yes. All right, I'm fine. This isn't Terminator.

You're not showing up naked. You can't pop somewhere for lunch, though, and come back. It's a one-day trip minimum. Yes. But then if you can make anything appear up to $1,000, but maybe not thinking of it through the monetary lens is there a huge benefit to being able to pull out a picture of something and have it every day oh man you could obviously pull out a picture of a i don't know like a thousand dollar steak dinner

and then every night you pull that picture out and you just make it appear yeah food and money are kind of the only things coming to my mind now if i looked at a picture of like son's tickets as long as they're a thousand dollars you're good yeah but i guess would i get the ones in the picture that are probably like outdated oh that's a good question you need someone to snap a pic right today's tickets right and then i gotta get in before they do yeah or or the ticket master is gonna say sir these tickets have been used what if what if you had to draw the pictures you didn't have to find the pictures if it if if it if it was materialized as the drawing then i would be creating horror in this world. Just awful, awful creation.

But if you were trying to transport to another place, like if I said, Jason, you need to go to France quickly. Just draw a quick picture of you, you know, of France. Okay, I'm on it. Yeah, France is easy. Because of the Eiffel Tower. You just draw the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, that one is easy.

Oh, he ends up in Vegas. That is a danger that you run i'm thinking if you draw him it's kind of wild because you could end up in a different place or what if you just drew a picture of a meadow with trees you wouldn't know where you'd show up right i'm looking at jason's drawing i don't i think he's drawing a draft he just got scared of his own oh you know no i'm not turning it around. But I did get scared because at the end. A dranga tower can go wrong. All right.

So which one are you taking? Which one are you taking? I'm taking the materialization of objects. I'm going to have so much food and money. 365K? Basically, yeah. Brent from the website. Oh, which one are you doing, Mike? I'm taking the. I want to transport. I'm doing the trip. Yeah brint from the website oh which one are you doing mike i'm taking the

i want to transport i'm doing the trip yeah uh brint from the website which vehicle maintenance task would you rather have to do oh no change your own oil or rotate your own tires so i do i get the tools needed yeah of course so i could take the lug nuts off with like a powered lug nut remover? No, you got to use a torque wrench. Yeah, I knew you were going to do that. Okay. And then for the oil, I imagine I'm crawling under the car.

I don't get a cool Jiffy Lube oil basement. Yeah. Can you crawl? This is going to sound- Yeah, you're in your garage. This is going to sound bad. Bad, bad, bad. Let's go. Bad, bad, because I don't know the answer to it.

But do you have to be up on a lift to get under the car for an oil change or do you just go under the car normal you could just go under your car some of them i mean if you there's going to be like if you have a low riding car it's not going to work out okay because i i remember climbing under a car and changing the oil when i was like 17 with my dad teaching me but i haven't done it since and um i couldn't remember if it was up on those like drive up step type of things but those things freak me out man yeah you'll probably want to jack up the front end and put it on some jack stands is that what you do yeah do you change your own oil no no no way that's what i would i. Genuine question. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Genuine, like under 50 years old.

Yes. Under 50 years old, people still change their own oil. Yes. There are people that love cars, and I've heard- You save tons of money doing that. Yeah, and I've heard it's very easy. I mean, it's like- You drain the oil, right?

I'm not a car guy. Dumb, and I don't know, but you basically just go, you unscrew a cap, let the oil come out, close it, and then put more oil in. Yeah, replace your filter while you're in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The oil filter is underneath, right? Yeah. Is there an oil filter?

Is it in the, is the oil filter down below or is it in the engine block area? It's down below. You access it from under the vehicle. I thought the air filter's in the engine. I thought he was up charging me the air filter. Papa Josh is ashamed of us right now. I couldn't be more lost right now. We're asking basic car questions.

We drive electric vehicles. I'm just going to say that out loud. Yeah, but I drove an oil car for a long time. And I didn't change my oil. The people at the Jiffy Lube or wherever, they do magical things. And they do magical things. And then they show up and they're like, hey, you're going to have to give us more money because there's this other stuff that we used to fix.

Papa Josh, do you change your own oil? I do not, but I know how. Yeah. You only get half credit then. You get no credit. You don't change your own oil. Yeah, don't be ashamed of us. I know how to write a book.

I've never written one. I don't get half credit for writing a book you get no credit you either do it or you don't you're making a strong that was a wonderful case uh yeah so knowing how to do something is like that makes you the the authority if anything it makes you the authority. If anything, it makes you worse for not doing it. Right? I have an excuse why I don't change my oil. You're actually lazy. We don't know how. No idea. Also, I do know that I would break it.

I promise no matter what, I would break it, and then that car would explode. I could rotate tires. I know how. I've replaced tires. It would take way, way longer. Here's another could rotate tires. I know how. I've replaced tires. It would take so long. It would take way, way long. Here's another important question. But I know how.

That's just moving the tires, right? Just like rotating them one spot. There's nothing else to that. I think you usually go front to the back, back to the front, and then cross what side of the car they were on. Now, the problem is that's 20 lug nuts I got to take off and put on. Yeah. That's annoying. problem is that's 20 lug nuts I gotta take off and put on. Yeah. That's annoying. Oh, that's

super annoying. The job of changing your oil is way shorter. And you gotta jack the car up. Multiple different times. You need multiple jacks, don't you? Well, you can. Because you gotta be able to move. Well, you just do one at a time. Oh, no. How? Yeah. You need jack stands. So you jack it up, put the stands

under it. Oh, man. Really changing the oil is a better job. I just don't know how to do it. It's not hard. You just find a little thing underneath and twist it. Okay. So if I find anything- You have to dispose of the oil properly. That was my next question.

I remember that. Where do you- A huge can. Oh. Boo. Yeah, boo. I would never do that. Kill the seals.

I would never do that. I'm just saying that's what stupid people do. They would fill up a tub. Okay, so where do smart people take it? Well, they take it to the oil yard. It's the same place as the gold. Yeah. I can tell you right now I have no clue where you can properly dispose of oil.

I will tell you. Can you take it to a car auto zone? Like one of those? Josh says yes. They'll take it? What do they do with it? They throw it in the garbage can. But the people who want it.

They put it in the bottles and sell it back. Like the people who want your gold, that's got to be the same people who want your oil. Yeah, they're looking for. Oh, some black gold. Resources. Texas tea. Now. I've never heard Texas tea before. What?

You never watched Beverly Hills? I heard black gold, but I've never heard Texas tea. I'm rich. Look what they brought, Molly. So the oil, this is just turning to automotive 101. Oh, yeah. There are people out there. We're teaching people.

Yeah. That are out there shaking their head. This is for everyone else. This is not for us. So the oil gets dirtied in the car? Yeah, because it runs through. Of course it does. It runs through the pistons.

Why can't we just, can we clean the oil up? We can't. Why not? It's just too dirty. Oil is itself extremely dirty okay but why wait jason's trying to read some off the internet and that's the nugget he brings that's you could have chose anything else it's very in its natural state it's already dirty it's uh crude right yes why why can't we re-refine it uh well that's where the autozoa It's already dirty. It's crude. Right. Yes.

Why can't we re-refine it? Well, that's where the auto zone takes it, to the refinery. We all know this. It's spent, Mike. The oil is spent. It's done its work. At some day, we will run out of oil. The earth. At some day.

At some day, yes. And why can't we just clean it up you know maybe you should get going on that no because i don't know i will not be able to help anyone i see i just have oil loses its viscosity over time it breaks down okay you know look it doesn't function as well as a lubricant at that point. Right, exactly. Why can't we thicken it up? Just put some soap in it. Just put some butter. Yeah.

I think I'm... This has been... Okay. Now, the three of us... I know my answer to the question. I am trading my car in. That is the answer to my question. Wait, I got to rotate the tires i'm gonna

go get a new car being crushed by a car is like a top five fear yeah yeah because that's happened to top five for you uh it's up there with like elevators oh the falling yeah but like when you're midway through the door that's really that's That's my fear. You're afraid of getting crushed? My fear is as I start walking in or out of the elevator, the elevator goes down. And so then I'm just like, do you move rapidly and we just haven't noticed that you, like, when you get to the elevator door, you are like, I'm in. Are you quick to commit? He dives.

I don't physically change my behavior, but I do mentally think about it every single crossing of the plane. What movie did you watch you shouldn't have watched? I don't know. My irrational elevator is if I ever have anything in my hand and I'm crossing over, I have a 50% chance that I'm going to drop my item into the crevasse of the elevator, and that thing is gone forever. It's the stupidest thing, but I think about it all the time. And now you will too.

When he's got an important file. Yeah. Well, I hope now you think about what would happen if that elevator dropped all the way through. I've thought about that. I mean, is it taking just your face off? Got to be honest. I'm not that worried about it.

I feel like my reaction time would be good enough. Where you think if it starts to go down, you'll be like, I'm going to hop in or out, hopefully. Yes. Okay. I can land a plane, so we can all believe what we want. We're obviously slightly undereducated

in the car department, but you guys don't change your own oil. Is that what I heard over there? Yeah, so we're all the same. We're all the same manliness. All right. Where am I? Do I move on now or do we keep talking? Let's do one more.

Chris from the website. Is that right? Would you rather have to hand write a greeting card to your coworkers for every single calendar holiday? So Arbor Day, Black Friday, Columbus Day, et cetera. Apparently those are on the calendar. Does Black Friday actually get on the calendar? No.

I know Arbor Day does. Does anyone know what Arbor Day is? No. Of course. No. Of course we do. What is it? No, you know what it is.

What is it? Are you being, you're just joking. Jason doesn't know either. I do. Neither do. No, he's typing. Don't you dare. No. I know what it is. What is it? Are you being, you're just joking. Jason doesn't know either. I do. Neither, no, he's typing. Don't you dare. No. I know what it is.

Is it related to the city of Ann Arbor? No. Is it related to Harbor without the H? No. I don't know what it is. It's trees. Yeah. Yeah.

Arbors? Arbor. Arborists. Arborists. Arborists. Why are we setting a day aside for trees? I mean. I always thought it was.

Where's botanist day? Here's what's really funny. The flowers. Where do they get? I always thought that Arbor Day or whatever was related to the sea. Did you really? But I just realized that that's only because of Arbor Day. Which is not that word.

I just thought like, oh, I'm going to. I thought Mike was 100% trolling me. Which is not that word. And I just thought like, oh, I'm going to. I thought Mike was 100% trolling me. Doc at the Harvard. You seem like the kind of guy who knew a good tree holiday. I don't. I do now. Yeah. So listen, you got to write a handwritten card to each co-worker on every single calendar

holiday or give your child an overly elaborate participation trophy every time they fail at something. What is this question? This is a rough one. Sports, bad grade, poor performance, and a talent show. So you've got to give them a trophy? Where do I source these trophies from? I am absolutely 100% writing no. Oh, okay.

No. No way. I am going to write out every single employee, every single holiday, a handwritten card, and I'll make it 15 pages to avoid giving- That many participation trophies? For when they fail at something. Because- Can you imagine when that child hits 18 and they go to work? They're not going to be very happy.

You imagine when that child hits 18 and they go to work? They're not going to be very happy. Here's my point, is that when you fail, you know you failed, okay? The kid knows. If he has a bad game, a bad performance, messes up the lines in a show. Gets an F on a test. Gets an F on a test, whatever. They aren't oblivious to it.

You know, oh, you did great. They know they didn't. And so I feel like celebrating their failures in that way, that's going to, one, you're going to have that kid in some therapy when that kid's an adult. And two, it's just mean. I feel like that's too mean to my own children. See, I read it the other way, that we were giving them the trophy that said, like, congratulations on your terrible grades.

I kind of thought the same thing, too. I feel like it's highlighting their failures in a way that, yeah, and I don't want to do that. Because the only way they can get that trophy is to fail. It's a trophy either way. It's a win-win. This is too fresh for me. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Uh-oh, no. Child failure? Maybe. Oh, no. Oh, no. I can't even.

I can't even. This one. Can we talk in riddles? We could talk in riddles. So something happened. I can't even. I can't even. This one. Can we talk in riddles? We could talk in riddles. So something happened. I'm guessing you didn't give the trophy away. Once upon a time, a father, not me, had a child. Not.

Who knows? Well, it can't be yours. No. No. It could be any gender or age. Super fail at something. Super fail. It was one of the most brutal experiences of this father's life.

Of that father's life. And don't highlight. Okay. Let's just. That's actually one of the hardest things as a parent to do is to be quiet. Oh, yeah. When you want to fix a problem. Zip it up and let's

move and move on all right i guess we'll next segment we'll do the move on part highway to spell oh get the trophies ready oh yeah i will have a super participation trophy here all right al back to highway to spell all right andy you are our returning champ we'll start with you so you can give me a trophy for that one. There you go. Trophy. T-R. We start in fifth grade and here is your fifth grade level word. Division. Division. Division. D-I-V-I-S-I-O-N. Division. Unimpressed. Yeah. All right. Mike, here is your fifth grade level word. Increase.

Increase. I-N-C-R-E-A-S-E. Too easy. Yeah. All right. Look, he wouldn't start in fifth grade. We are in fifth grade. He wouldn't start in fifth grade if he didn't have to.

Yeah. All right. If we got further, we could start further ahead. All right. Make it easy. Actually, make it hard so I've got a reason I spell further ahead. All right. Make it easy. Actually, make it hard so I've got a reason I spell it wrong. All right, Jason, here is your fifth grade level word. Mammal.

Oh. Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hold on. Let me. It can't be that.

A couple different options, huh? Yeah. All right. Well, see you guys later. M-A-M-M-E-L. He's gone. Oh, for real? He's got to be gone.

He's gone. I was hoping if I gave him a second, he might correct himself. Oh, you gave him a moment. Oh, man. Oh, my gosh. Josh, can you grab his trophy al yeah al ah man yeah out in fifth grade okay you know what's funny is right before the show he loves this segment i i hate the segment right before the show i told jeremy i was like give me a word like cats he's like yeah i'll try to do that i know you would never do that you've got your own things but then afterwards i thought actually that's the worst the worst is when you get an

easy word you can't spell and let me be clear that just happens that was an easy word i should be able to spell that is not something i should go out on so uh some things are reptiles some things are my mouth look the the good news is it's you're out now i'm done baby this thing yeah i'm not entirely sure that wasn't intentional oh no yo that's keep him keep him in keep him in no that's up to his key competition this is easy you make You make cash prize. We'll keep him in. All right. All right. Go ahead.

All right. Are we keeping him in? Or is he out? No, he's still in. All right. Oh, he is? He's still in? Yeah, I'm keeping him in. Just for consolation?

Yeah. All right. His competition's kept him in. All right. Andy, here's your sixth grade level word. Nationality. That's a long one. Nationality. But not a long one. Nationality.

But not hard. Yeah, no. N-A-T-I-O-N-A-L-I-T-Y. Nationality. M-L. All right, Mike. All right, Mike. Here is your sixth grade level word.

Tomato. Oh, I know I'd get that one wrong. Tomato? T-O-M-A-T-O? Oh, I did the pause to get me freaked out. A little bit he did. I put an E on that sucker. I didn't know if I was Dan Quayling or not.

If it's tomatoes, is it O-E-S? Yes. Okay, all right. I'm half right. There's grounds for your foolishness. You or not. If it's tomatoes, is it O-E-S? Yes. I'm half right. There's grounds for your foolishness. No, you're not. Alright, so is Jason giving sixth grade a shot? Here's your sixth grade level word. I hate you all. Sponge. Oh, man.

Oh, come on. Is that like tongue? Oh, no. Sponge. Sponge. Oh, come on. Is that like tongue or what? Oh, no. Sponge. Sponge. Oh, come on. Let's do it. Yes, please.

I got two here. That can't be right. That can't be right. Sponge. Oh, man. Why did you bring me back here? There's one spelling I really am rooting for here. Yeah, me too.

S-P-O-N-G. Oh, I'm the smartest man alive. Ig i did right did you put a u yeah no oh would you in there my first attempt was a spunk was sp-o-n-g-u-e a spunk spunk all right man i am not a smart man yeah all right moving on to seventh grade andy here's your seventh grade level word boundary oh okay b-o-u-n-d-a-r-y boundary for the record i have spelled every single one of andy's super easy words super easily for the record we've spelled yours very easily as well all right uh mike here is your seventh grade level word concentrate oh come on yeah ain't no thing c-o-n-c-e-n-t-r-a-t-e Ain't no thing.

C-O-N-C-E-N-T-R-A-T-E. Was it for me or for you? It was for me. You spelled it how I had it written down, and I just assumed you're smarter than me. All right, Jason, here is your seventh grade level word. Fascinating. Oh, goodness. Yes.

Yes. I think that one's easy. F-A-S-C-I-N-A-T-I-N-G. Oh, look at this guy. You went right to it. You were pretty fascinating on that one. That's quick. That was really funny. All right, let's do it.

All right, we're in eighth grade. Andy, here's your word. Interrogate. Oh, no. Well, that's... Uh-oh. There are six R's on that word. Yeah, that's...

Tell me when to stop. There's a chance I get this wrong. Say when. I-N-T-E-R-R-O-G-A-T-E. Interrogate. Oh! I was a little shaky. I started writing it with double T's.

You know what I mean? It looked wrong, though. All right, Mike. Here is your eighth grade level word. Chameleon. Oh, no. Yeah, that's... Oh, no.

Oh, no. I don't like how mine looks. I've got mine written down, and that is not how you spell it. Chameleon? C-H-A-M-E-L-E-O-N. Hey, that is how I had it written down. That's right. Way to fight through.

Change your colors. Very nice. What's the H doing in there? Yeah. What's it doing in there? You know what? It's doing nothing. It's the H doing in there? Yeah. What's it doing in there? You know what? It's doing nothing.

It's doing whatever it does for chlorine. For the record, collectively, we've been brilliant. You know what I mean? Yeah. The group as a group. One out of so many. The group is passing. The group is doing great, guys.

All right. Jason, here is your eighth grade level word. Semester. Huh? I feel like it's too easy like I gotta I'm gonna make a mistake because well you're out so you're in good shape that's fair I'm playing for the consolation

S-E-M-E-S-T-E-R okay that feels like a fourth grade letter so does mammal mammal please like a fourth grade letter. So does mammal. Mamel, please. Mamel. All right.

Moving on to ninth grade. How far did we get last time, by the way? I believe- I think you graduated high school. No, he didn't graduate. He got to 12th grade and failed there. So I've still got quite a ways to go. But this might be the best the group has ever done. Yeah.

Yeah, we have. Jason got out in fifth grade. I mean, I did get out in the worst you could do. But, you know, that was so long ago. We are in high school, boys. Andy, here is your ninth grade level word. Chastise. That guy did not pronounce that.

Let's try this one. Chastise. Well. C-H-A-S-T-I-S-E. Chastise. All right. Tell me that's not a Z. Did you really have Z in there?

You worked a Z in? The first time I wrote it, it didn't look right. Okay. Okay, all right. That's the real one. I did. I needed not forget. Did you get chastised correctly?

I did get chastised correctly. I've gotten all yours correctly. I don't want to forget that I did put an E on tomato. Right. Yeah. It wasn't want to forget that I did put an E on tomato. Right. It wasn't just mammal. All right, Mike. Here is your ninth grade level word. Turbulence.

All right. Turb. I see some issues. Wait. Is there any sneaky guys in here? I think you're done. Am I? T-U-R-B-U-L-E-N-C-E.

Yeah, mine is so stupid. You guys were freaking me out. Well, because he... I put tourbulance. T-O-U-R. It was a tour. Oh, you did? Yeah.

And you had L-A-N-C-E. Oh, did I? Okay. Well, let's not talk about that. Don't tell the people. Tourbulance. Alright, Jason. Here's your ninth grade level word. He's missed three so far for the record. Exaggeration. Four. Yep.

Yep. Exaggeration? I think I'll miss this one. Yeah, i think i'll miss this uh yeah i think i'll miss this one too all right here we go first try e-x-a-g-g-e-r-a-t-i-o-n oh baby wait one letter doubled g yeah two g's okay i didn't have any g's exaggeration i think i went with a t but i'm not exaggeration all right i'm still alive sophomore that is correct 10th grade here is your word andy sacrilegious yeah you get about halfway through you're're going to wait a minute. Sacrilegious. There are some options.

I'm just going to go with my first gut here. I think it's wrong. S-A-C-R-E-L-I-G-I-O-U-S. Sacrilegious. Oh! Is it? You both thought it was right. You were one letter off.

We both wrote it identically. Wait, what letter? Sacrilegious. How would I have been one? Is it before? As in like I messed up one letter? Sacrilegious. Or I missed a letter. One letter was incorrect.

Oh, it's the I, right? Yes. S-A-C-R-I-L-E-G-I-O-U-S. That's so stupid. Ironically, I wrote it with an E and an A, and neither looked right. And it's an I. It is weird because religious it with an e and an a and neither looked right and it's an i it is weird because religious yeah exactly but not sacrilegious what that's i'm gonna look that up that feels sacrilegious like to be honest you can vet me if i'm incorrect uh we can play miriam webster so i i spelled more than that letter wrong. Because I had said, didn't I say

E-G I-O-U-S? Oh, okay. Yeah, well, you're right. Alright. According to the internet, you're right. So, what we're saying is the word religious and the word sacrilegious, which just has a prefix put onto it. You changed the way... No, no, no, no, no.

The word is sacrilege. It's not religious. It's sacrilege. Yeah, no. The word is sacrilege. It's not religious. It's sacrilege. Yeah. Okay. Well, that makes more sense. All right. Andy, you are not dead until one of these guys fails.

Jason failed already. I'm still in it. Oh, no. I'm going to win this. That I can't live with. I'm going to win this thing. All right, Mike. Here is your 10th grade level word. Indomitable. Indomitable.

Play it again. Indomitable. Indomitable? Okay. Not an everyday word for you, Mike? No. There's a snowman. There you are.

There's a snowman. Indomitable. Let you see if this one helps indomitable it's about the same indomitable i-n-d-o-m-i-n-a-t-a-b-l-e no if that was right i am so far gone um just out of curiosity what do you got i've got i n d o m i d a b l e jason was way closer uh it's still wrong though it's a table at the end instead of table so that exchange that t uh d for a t and you would have had it right so now if i get my word right you're the winner all right okay yeahomitable. So now if I get my word right, I win. You're the winner. Alright. Okay. Yeah. Here's your 10th grade level word.

Please be cats. Delineate. Okay, well you guys are back in it. No! Make it end. I can't. That's Mike. I can't say that one again. Delineate. Yeah, there's no hope. Delineate. The I's and the E's could all be stopped. For instance, Mike could not delineate yeah there's no hope delineate there's the i's and the e's could

for instance mike could not delineate between an a or jason could not delineate between an a or an e all right d m l d e l i n i a t spell that one more time i'm sorry d e l i n i a t I-N-I-A-T-E. One letter off again. D-E-L-I-N-E-A-T-E. Every single E and every single I could have swapped places for me. What? So we lost. We have no winner this week. Now we're going to go on.

I'm out. All right, me and Mike then. All right, last round. Here you go. Andy, here's your 11th grade level word. Bragadosio. What? Bragadosio?

Yeah. That's a spell from Harry Potter. That's not a word, man. Get it. Bragadosio? Bragadosio. It makes you compliment the other person. I mean, I don't know how many Gs are in this thing.

B-R-A-G-G-A-D-O-C-I-O. Come on. Mike, you got to mess this up. That's the word? Perfect. You messed this up. Perfect. All right.

Mike, here is your 11th grade level word. Aseverate. Aseverate? Correct. Play it again. Aseverate. X. Did I lose? Not yet. A. Aseverate. X. Did I lose?

Not yet. A. Excederate. I don't even know what the word is. Aseverate. Aseverate. D-R-E-T-O-V-E. All right.

Yeah. Andy wins again. That's how you throw, baby. Wow. You were close, Mike. With the X? Yeah. Let's draft. That's how you throw, baby. Wow. You were close, Mike. With the X? Yeah. Let's draft.

I'm such a proud winner. The Spitballers draft that's the first time like as a sophomore level word i don't i've never heard either of those words before you've never had a docio i've never i've heard braggadocious yeah i've heard that yeah i've heard but what is a braggadocio is that a person who brags yeah that's a do you have a definition for braggadocio it's that a person who brags? Yeah. Do you have a definition for braggadocio? I was just pulling that out. It's boastful or arrogant behavior. Is being a braggadocio? They were brash and full of braggadocio.

Wow. That's a weird word. And then is was like a different language. Oh, I don't know what word it was. All right. We are drafting furniture for a house. Furniture for a house. and if one of us picks it, the other lives their life without it in that house.

It was tough. I have a favorite piece of furniture. Well, that's good because you get the first pick. But it's not my pick. Oh, I know what it is, and I'm taking it from you. Because I need flexibility from my furniture. If I'm going to be living without some of these items you pick, and I have the number one pick,

I have to have something that is multipurpose in value. So you know what I'm taking. It's a couch. Yep. I'm taking the couch. Couch was my 101. I could sleep on a couch. I watch TV on a couch.

I could just sit casually on a couch. A couch does so many things. It does many things. Couch is probably the 101. It's my 102, but it's really.'s really yeah i mean it's a wonderful pick man you can you can eat on a couch it's very multifunctional okay okay uh the couch would have been my first pick and i will follow it up with a bed dang Dang it. Dang it. What do you think? I was really hoping that that would come to me.

As of right now, Jason has nowhere to rest his head. Oh, man. Where did you think I was going? I just hoped you were going to like. You said there's a big four. There is, but. No, there's not. No, there's not.

But you can't sleep on two of them. You get two picks right now. I know, and I get the two of the four, but I want to go to bed, and I can't. Yeah, you can't. Then it's not a big pick. Yeah, no couch for you. No bed for you. In hindsight, there's a top two.

There's a top two? There's a top two. Yeah, thank you. Okay, well, darn it. Man, that really stinks for me. I'm going to have a hard time sleeping. But I won't have a hard time eating. Yeah.

I'm going to take the table and chairs. So that's your two picks? No. We talked about this beforehand, like the dining room table. I did not participate in any conversation. We talked before. I mean, we can open it up to Al, but we did say that we thought if you got a dining table, you got the chairs.

Yeah, you get like. That's a set. Ooh, it is a dining set. Okay, I get a dining set. That's my piece of furniture. I mean, you buy them together at the store. Yeah, I think it's fair. What, you're going to draft just a dining chair?

I don't know. I'm just saying that those are two completely different pieces of furniture. Al can be the final ruler on it. All right. Let me know if I'm allowed to draft as one thing the dining room. Multiple pieces of furniture. The dining room table. Okay.

I'd like to go back and draft a bedroom set because you buy them all together. All right. Mike is putting up quite the fight. Al gets to rule here. I'm going to allow it. Yeah. rule here I'm gonna allow it That's nonsense We did talk about it before the show Should we specify it as a I mean there are different types of

There's like a small table And chairs and then there's a dining table Are they the same? The dining room table chairs Six chairs, minimal Yeah I'm getting eight okay uh i'm also i also get the uh the leaf extenders yes i do mike that's right so you've got a place all the way out i can lay on this table it's hard but i can lay on it so you've

got a place to eat i've got a place to eat and you could lay on it if you needed to yes which seems like an option right now i mean you can't lay on the floor the floor and the dining table are probably i'll take the floor i don't want uh no risk of falling to get me quite as easy you know i don't they gotta climb up now um all right and hmm man there were a top two. That is so clear now. Okay, I'm going to take, hmm. All right. Okay, nope.

All right. I will draft one of the two things I'm looking at here very soon. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, I won't. Okay, I can't. This is the worst. I'm going to take a recliner because I don't think it comes back to me, and I've got to be able to get sleep. That's my favorite.

Yeah, I knew it. That's the favorite, but the couch is so much more versatile. Yeah, so if I didn't draft that now, yeah i knew that's the favorite and uh but the couch is so much more versatile yeah so i if if i didn't draft that now there's two other things that i kind of wanted more than that but i've got to be able to go to recliner would have been my next pick yeah i knew it wasn't coming back so all right i got the the dining room table and the recliner here's a quick recliner uh survey do you prefer the like mechanical recliner with the lever that's all one fell swoop or do you prefer a uh like a automated push a button in it with a motor yeah motorized recliner versus

i mechanical might have been the wrong word like an analog analog yeah physical i find that the analogs are just so much more comfortable even though they don't give you as much more comfortable yeah like once you're reclined it's just because you're not sitting on the motor i don't know what it is interesting all the never would have all the newer high-tech you know motorized you could put it they're almost all motorized now they don't they don't go to like the same degree back they don't lay back and they're usually not as cushy i thought you'd complain about the speed of recline. That's my biggest complaint. Sometimes you can get a slow

motor. Yes, that's also pretty boring. But I go analog on that. Alright. Mike, you are back up. You have a bed. You're sleeping well. I do. And guess what? You get the mattress with it. Excellent. Because it's a piece of furniture and it comes with it in a mattress. See? Otherwise you just gotta...

Which technically doesn't. It doesn't. But this is not going to the store this is just like an item in the house i am not above a mattress on the ground i've i spent many years with a mattress on the ground me too college was mattress on the ground yeah it's fantastic all right now my second pick here and i get okay so i got the bed i need a place to put which stuff do i need to have a place to put i will take um i'll go with the i'm going to take the entertainment center i'm going to take the area the area for my for my television and terrible pick uh television is not a piece of furniture i think we're we're going Terrible pick. Television is not a piece of furniture. I think we're going to go with that. Correct.

Television is not a piece of furniture, so you don't have one. I mean, the age- So you have an entertainment center you can look at. The age of the entertainment center was 1990s. I mean, they were big, bulky, oak, and had cutouts everywhere. And you could only fit a TV in it when it fits inside the entertainment center. You want to know what my entertainment center does? Your entertainment center is a wall.

No, I have an entertainment center. It sits underneath the TV. Yeah, that's what I'm drafting. Yeah, no, I know. I'm not boxing. Listen. I will never box my television in. You've got to future-proof this thing.

My television's on the wall. Okay. I have an entertainment center underneath. There are zero things inside the entertainment center. What? There's nothing in it. Where's all your stuff? There's nothing in it.

I totally get it. That's the same how it is for a lot of my TVs. Where's everyone's stuff, though? It's behind the TV. Yeah. You've got like a Roku or an Apple TV that's just plugged into the- Sometimes my wife will put a blanket inside the opening doors of the empty entertainment center. I'm just saying, the age of the entertainment center is dead and it's a terrible pick.

Get bodied. Okay. I don't know where your Xbox is going. That's a strong point. That's a strong point. That's a good place. It's just going to be there with the wires running up. Had you opened up your argument with game console station in the entertainment center?

I didn't think I needed to do that. I hadn't really thought about that. It's a strong counterpoint. Ours is in the entertainment center? I didn't think I needed to do that. I hadn't really thought about that. It's a strong counterpoint. Ours is in the other room. Entertainment center is a good place for it. I have multiple entertainment centers full of so many game systems. So wait, do I pick twice now? Yes, you do.

I will go with the, I'm going to go with the coffee table. All right. I mean, it's a perfect combo with my couch. Yep. No, it's only perfect combo with my couch. Yep. No, it's only you could draft that. Right. Only like literally if we draft a coffee table. Coffee table is on my list.

No, it's on my list too. But what do you put in front of? You have to have a couch. My feet. I put my feet on. You're going to put it by your bed? Yeah. Oh, okay.

You know what I mean? Like what good is a coffee table without a couch? It kind of ended up that way with the couch pick. I ended up with coffee table. That's where I'm eating my meals. Yeah, sure. And that's just fine. I'm comfortable there.

It's great. Yeah. Wreck your back. Huh? You're sleeping on the couch? You're bending over eating on a coffee table? That's true. Although they do have the ones.

You're not comfortable. They got the ones that lift up. Is that what you got? I don't know. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. My third pick here, I'm going to go with the inferior substitute for my favorite pick, the recliner. Because I don't get a recliner, so I get an oversized beanbag.

I'm taking it. It was the last thing I put on my list realizing that that was who doesn't want to fall over into a bean bag that holds adults to be clear I'm not drafting a child's bean bag no you're drafting a love sack a big boy bean bag and I'm taking

I'm a big boy and I need my bean bag plus if you want to pretend to be a turtle you can climb underneath it. That is a great point. Did you guys have the beanbag as children? As a kid? Oh, dude.

Jay, you didn't have a beanbag? I didn't have a beanbag. I lived a turtle life all the time. It was a great place to go and hide. I loved my beanbag. Beanbags are great. It was great. It was very comfortable.

Was it a big boy beanbag? No, it was a little boy beanbag. All right. Was it a big boy bean bag? No, it was a little boy bean bag. All right. I already confirmed this with the judges, and it's an inferior product, but it's just the same. I couldn't get a couch, so I will take a love seat. Wow.

Interesting. The judge said yes on that, huh? The judge said yes to a love seat? Yeah a love seat i said is a love seat a couch he said no because i am firmly that's a couch that's definitely no it's not so just a two-person couch there's a there's a sofa idiot but there's a sofa and then there's and there's a love wow that is okay well that was my thought as well papa josh i disagree i think it's part of a couch it's part of a couch. It's part of a couch. It is a couch. You can't sleep on a love seat.

No, you definitely cannot. Okay. I mean, look, we're on a very professional show drafting furniture. I don't care that much. Okay. All right. We can let him have a love seat. All right.

You can have it. But it needs to be very, very clear. If you try to lay down on that thing and take a nap, you are super uncomfortable. A loveseat is two people. He's got a bed. Oh, that's right. This is for my television where I watch my properly stored video game unit. Okay. All right.

Or play, I should say. Mine's in my wall, apparently. All right. So you got a loveseat. That was a sneaky smart pick then. Jason, two picks left. Now, to my understanding, you only had two items on your list, which were taken by Mike and I. So I don't know what your last two will be.

I'm going to take the office desk so that, you know. Oh, a desk is another way to put it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, a desk, a desk, an office desk. I mean, you know, you're a desk, a desk. You got to like a computer chair and you put your laptop. Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, the chairs came with my dining room table. Here we go. Office desk and chair, baby. Here we go. This is what the setup was? Office desk and chair, baby. Look, I've got all the chairs. This is Wild West.

What is happening? I've got all the chairs. is wild west i've got all the chairs hey you get your sofa i don't know about the chair coming with the desk i'm gonna make him use a dining chair at his desk okay well thankfully i've got ten of them now we can do i just i elongated my dining room table so i've got ten and i'm taking one of them over there you go office desk but ain't got no wheels um all right so you got. Incredibly, I stupidly didn't put desk on my list. I don't know what I was thinking. Okay. And now, my last one here.

Don't need a desk when you have a couch. No, I'm in good shape. That's actually, do you have yours? I was just going to tell the story of how like. Yeah, I have a desk. Don't call me shirley now all right never mind go on now that you know i've got my desk you can tell your story do you want to know if i have a desk i was just just. Do you have a desk? I do. Nice. Oh, man. It's a nice L shape.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Is it in a corner? It is in a corner. Oh, very nice use of space, Mike. Go on, Andy. What was your story? I'm pulling the story back.

Go on. We have to get through this draft. All right. It was going to be a heck of a story. Let me tell you. I can't wait to hear your story afterwards. Tell me the story about your desk um i got a desk too you know you do what does it look like it's just not an l all right oh man they call that an eye all right uh for my well technically every desk is an l it's's just a lowercase L. I did think that right after I said I.

I'm like, lowercase L is really the desk. Him and his letters, though. All right, your final pick. You have a dining table and 600 chairs, a recliner and a desk. And I'm going to take patio furniture. Which one? No, man. No, you're not.

This is why I knew I had to shut him down. I should have let you shut him down. He played me before the draft. He knew it was horse crap. Alright, I'll take a massage chair. Oh, that's a good pick. That's where I thought he was going instead of beanbag.

That's a great pick. How did you not lead with that? Well, because I figured, honestly, you guys would forget that one from your list. It's not on my list. I got a massage chair. I love it. So I'm taking a massage chair as my final fourth piece of furniture in the house. That one's fun.

My last pick, I'll just go practical. I have a bed, so I need a nightstand. Makes sense. Got to have somewhere to put the CPAP. Am I right? I hear you, Mike. Oh, my gosh. Here's the problem.

Wait, hold on. The CPAP has to sit on the nightstand? Yeah, you can't just put it on the bed or on the floor i i don't use a c-pap james sure you don't mike we all do i hear you uh doesn't use a c-pap yeah i mean you you've got a tube that connects to your face so i know but i don't know we don't have them i i would have imagined it sits right on the floor right next to the bed. Where the nightstand is? I put it on the floor?

No, under the nightstand. No, the tube is- We don't know where the colostomy bags go either. Let's go on the hip. What about the bedpan? Oh, you can- Strap bedpan. So your entire nightstand then is just a machine on it?

Well, mine is not, but yes, a lot of times it would be that way. I've got like a little drawer that comes out that the CPAP goes on. Do they make little rolly devices for them? I don't know. I should look that up. Like a little table that they can wheel it in. I think Mike thinks the CPAP is way bigger than it is. I have no idea.

Like an iron lung? They're not huge machines. You put them in entertainment centers. That's the only thing you can do with an entertainment center. I don't know how big it is. I don't know how it works. Is there water involved? There is.

There is. I had a pick, a fourth pick, and it was genius, and I have forgotten it. Yes. I thought about it. I got into my story that you didn't let me finish and now I don't remember what the pick was. To be fair, you

personally pulled the story. We were very excited. Well, what about tell the story now and maybe you'll remember it. The story was going to be the stupid. It's not. Go on. I hate you.

Go on. Tell the story. No. But no. We know he's acting because he doesn't have his CPAP machine. I guess what I have to take is a side table for my couch. I don't have another choice here because I had a genius pick. Sounds like a nightstand to me.

They're different. They're different heights. They're different heights? Yes, absolutely. Nightstands and side tables are different heights. Lower? The nightstand is generally a different height. You got a coffee table. You really did not need a side table.

He needs all the surfaces. I just want my living room to be the only room I could go in. I don't want this. Okay. Can I change it? Nope. Sure. No.

Yeah, sure. All right. I want an accent chair. Okay. Okay. I'm taking an accent chair. Like one of those really, really cool looking but uncomfortable you don't ever use a chair. Yeah, that's why it's an accent.

It looks like I'd sit there and ponder. I need a chair I can ponder in. Yeah, but it looks that way, but you don't because it's's uncomfortable but everyone who comes to your house is like that's an important yes yes yes thank you they sit down and i must think three seconds this guy thinks that's right thanks this guy thinks all right wow what a draft maybe i'll remember the object that i needed i love that so jeremy put in a proper end table can be anywhere from 20 to 24 inches tall. Standard nightstands measure. They start at 23 inches.

They go to 28. It's like there's a number where it could be both. That's fair. They could be. Some people got they need probably like a taller nightstand for the bed. For the tall. Okay. We're done.

What did we learn today? Mammal. I learned how to spell mammal. That was what I learned. I learned that we can't clean oil. No. It's impossible. No, we can't.

That I solved every problem of the world. And I learned, I'll add something in. I learned that I'm not giving Jason any room in these drafts. Give a man an inch, he'll take six miles in six chairs. He should have seen my patio furniture set. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.