Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 278: Space Elvis & Alien Time Capsule - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

On this hilarious episode, we get into some serious toilet talk, realize the world is filled with pee monsters and then head into an Alien Time Capsule draft that goes light years beyond where it should. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. What was that? I actually liked the ending. Yeah, I mean, I liked that it was different. Trying to figure out what an alien sounds like. Not like that. That's a robot.

How many have you met, Jason? Two. Oh, crap. Yeah. Both of them sound like. Not like that. That's a robot. How many have you met, Jason? Two. Oh, crap. Yeah. Both of them sound like this. They got a real deep baritone. Yeah, they are. With a southern accent.

It's weird. They're coming with us. It's very surprising. Welcome into the Spitballers. No, I liked it, Mike. That was good. We've got a fun show for you today. We're coming into the studio fresh off of what might as well have been spitballers discussion

around the lunch table ah yes and we were we were talking about many things uh one of which was just that there are two types of toilets there's the elongated toilet and then there's the i guess you would just call it more of a it's round round elongated. Basically what you'd call it is you'd call it a toilet elongated, or you'd call it grandma's toilet, which is the round. Yeah. So that's what I was going to bring up is that there's one toilet that I know of. Elongated. That is not elongated.

Like in your life, you know where a non-elongated toilet is. And every time I sit on that, it's a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, you don't fit. I feel like the toilet is elongated now. It's not like people are saying when they're building new houses, Mike, I'm sure you weren't like, hey, I need, make sure you get elongated toilets. You just said, get me some of these toilets.

That is the standard, but I did have, growing up, one of my best friends. It was a triple whammy, guys. Okay. Carpeted bathroom. I knew that was coming. Rounded. And the cushy seats. The cushy seats. That's like the grandma toilet.

It was terrible. Of the three, I don't mind the cushy Z. No, no, Jason, that's the worst one. No, it's not the worst one. If you're there too long, there's a peeling sound when you stand up. There always is. No, no, no. When you sit down and it goes, there's just fecal bacteria just jettisoning out into the room.

I have not given thought to the bacterial ramifications of a cushy toilet seat. But at least it's comfortable. It doesn't get as cold. I will say a cold toilet seat is no fun. But my question is, human society. We have changed. We have become in America. We're larger individuals than we used to be. If you go to old Broadway theaters.

Oh yeah. Go to Richard Rogers and try to squeeze in there. I mean, that is, those are seats made for tiny people that apparently used to be normal people. Did this just happen or something? There was a real specific call.

Well, that's where Hamilton is. Yes. And so that's the one I'm thinking of, actually. It's insane. It's insane. I know I'm fat in regular-sized seats that people comfortably fit in. Yeah, I don't like them.

No one. I don't care who you are. You're going to go sit in that. And unless you're a child, you're going to go, what is happening in this theater? It's a theater for children. And even roads, a lot of older roads are thinner. And then you get to the outskirts of town that are newly developed.

And it's larger roads because our cars are bigger and our bodies are bigger. My question is, is there another tier of toilet coming? Is there a longer, super elongated? A longer rated? Is it wider and longer? I don't think so. I think we're going wider. We're going wider. I think we're going with a-

Does that mean we're back to round? Oh, just scaled up? I think so. I think that's what it would be. Because if you go further forward, you're going to have to remake all the bathroom stalls. The problem, though, is still the children. Because children still- They'll fall in.

The children still need another toilet. Another one fell in. We lost another one to the super toilet all right that was a sidebar but uh we're feeling good we're ready for a show we've got would you rather and a brand new game on today's show i'm still deciding what it's going to be called oh fine i haven't made my final game within the game my final determination but let me tell you the name will be good and then we are drafting things that we would put into a time capsule for the aliens to find now when i made it i was catching name i was figuring uh yeah it's a short brief quick name i was figuring like this is this might be millions

of years this might be hundreds of thousands of years whatever it's been short, brief, quick name. I was figuring this might be millions of years. This might be hundreds of thousands of years, whatever. It's been a while, and they're going to find this, and what are we going to put in there? What message do you want to send to the man that scattered at the beginning? We'll find out. I'm going to translate that later. Thank you.

It was all my picks, actually. Okay, here we go. It was all my picks, actually. Mm-hmm. Okay. Here we go. Would you rather? Larry from the website says, would you rather have your sneezes always smell like you have farted,

or every time you fart, it is as loud as a sneeze. Okay. So there's no silent farts anymore. No, not in this world. Well, there could be if you take the sneezes smell like farts. Dude, you can't take that one. I can stop myself from sneezing 100% of the time. But it's awful. Does it actually bother you to stop a sneeze?

Yeah. I put it on hold, and maybe later that day. It brings me physical pain to actually stop it. Really? I can just put my finger on my nose and it stops it. I can do it, but it is awful. There are times where you can't stop a sneeze. If you're sick.

Yeah, you're sick, and you've got the sneezes. Or one can just sneak up on you. I actually, like, when I last had COVID and didn't know I had it, I thought I was just coming down with a cold or something. I was woken from sleep via sneeze multiple times. And it's unbelievably weird. It's not like I woke up a little bit and then i sneezed it's i woke up middle of the sneeze wow i can't imagine what that would be like who did that yes it was like it was so

jarring and like there's someone in my room i was like how can my body do this like how can i get halfway your body started sneezing while sleeping yes and what would did it smelled like farts no i didn't did that have dream ramifications like no no i mean i was awake okay because i know sometimes when when something's about to happen in real life right before you wake up you you dream it or you dream something like it it's when you wake up with the peepee pants exactly it's like oh my gosh i'm peeing into a river right now and this beautiful dream oh i peed up why did you just wake me up i just like the idea that your dream is this beautiful river and your thought is like ah i shall pee in it feels good to relieve myself in this river not not the actual it's a bad pee pee pants part have you never had that happen a hundred percent when

i was a kid that happened. No, I'm saying you don't actually go, but in your dream, something is happening involving the bathroom, and then you wake up. Yes. Oh, man. 100%. Yes. That was close.

Yeah, I'm peeing into a river, and then I wake up and go, get my feet on the floor. Go walk. Get there. I feel like the less consequential one here is I can't. I can always stop a sneeze. You can't always stop a toot? Ooh. Ooh.

I think I can always stop a toot. Both are unpleasant. Okay, so which one? I'm not sure. I'm undecided. Convince me. I think that if you sneeze a toot. Both are unpleasant. Okay, so which one? The whole bag. I'm not sure. I'm undecided. Convince me. I think that if you sneeze and it smells like a fart, that's a big problem. It's up at the, it's already at nose level.

Yes. Like if you fart in a room, you can escape the room before it reaches people a lot of the time. And it feels like it would spread more. And one of these is- We've seen those diagrams of diseases. One of these is just normal okay every time you fart it's as loud as a sneeze okay now not every time i fart as loud as a sneeze but i got farts i can rip right i can sneeze out of fart no problem don't call me your brother in this one so this is just like and honestly i love it sometimes i'm probably more love it

oh so you would regret losing that i honestly would rat like i'm more disappointed when i can't rip a good one than i am for the opposite like if i've got a real if you could guarantee they all are as are, you'd be happy. I mean, sometimes you need to silently fart. That is a necessity in certain situations. But generally speaking... If I knew this was the first question, I would not have brought up the toilet from earlier. My most common fart where I feel comfortable farting, I want it to rip. I want it to be loud.

I want it to be heard. I want it to be impressive. That's in his music studio. if what to be recorded i was around someone and they sneezed there's got to be somebody that's recorded all their farts uh no there doesn't no there doesn't there's nobody on planet earth that has recorded all their farts that's like there's just gotta be someone grew up thinking i can't fart yet. I don't have my recorder. You just see them panicking, fumbling, trying to get their phone out. You've seen TLC.

They've got, there's freaks out there, man. Yeah, but all their farts? From the time they decided. Yeah, but just imagine being the other person, right? Yeah. Someone sneezes near you. You know, oh, God bless you. And you're like, what the, the what why does it smell like did you i would assume that that sneeze leaked the fart out

a silent yeah it was it was a it was a cover-up yeah oh it's a cover-up or a force out what if have you you guys have either of you yes sneeze so hard it made you fart? No. It's happened. It's happened a couple times. A couple times. You're all sneezing too hard. When it happens, two things. One, it's shocking. It's shocking because you're like, no, I did not just do that.

The other is sometimes that hurts. Yes. It's like actually. Oh, is that like you shouldn't be doing, what is it, yawning and sneezing at the same time or something will kill you? I think that's so true. What's the same? You can't sneeze and close your mouth or something?

It was with your eyes open. Yeah, if you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs will pop out. That's the urban legend, right? What if farts were 100% contagious? Like a yawn? Yeah. No, like scientifically, if you let one go, the people around, like you know your fart always started with another person.

Yeah, so then every time I fart, I would blame someone else. The whole room just lights up. I'd be like, who farted first? All right, I will, I'm pretty, this is one of the most indecided ones I've had. I will get rid of, I don't want my sneezes to smell like farts. Yeah, I'm going loud as a sneeze. Because honestly, being sick when you, like you smell it yourself. Of course.

And. But. I know, I know. You like taking a little whiff of your own stuff. But that isn't true if you were like if you farted like a thousand times in a day oh i'm taking a thousand whiffs all right i'm moving on sorry everybody ben from the website and the craziest part about that oh goodness is it doesn't matter like well i thought he was gonna say well when you're like sick and you got the sick farts. Yes, that is what I was going to say. You got the real bad farts.

Yeah. You still. But I was like, ooh. Ooh. That's impressive. Guys, I work with some sick freaks. Ooh, man. You should be on TLC.

My eyes are burning. We're being honest. Yeah. And everyone else out there is going, yeah. Yeah. They're driving alone in the car. They're going, yeah, I get it. I guess you're kind of curious if it's worse than the one before.

You can tell the truth. Ben from the website, would you rather, this is a weird question, would you rather rid the world of lemons or limes? Oh, man. I don't understand this at all. Because to me, there's a hierarchy of the fruits. And lemon is not, like, limes are above lemon no matter what. Oh, really?

Yeah. Interesting. Do you enjoy lemonade? Do you drink what. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting. And that is- Do you enjoy lemonade? Do you drink lemonade from time to time? Yeah, I do like lemonade. Yeah. You ever drink lime?

I have. I have. Just lime juice? It's actually not as good. Yeah. But I also always ask for, like, if I'm having water or soda water, I get it with a lime, not a lemon. I like the flavor of a lime.

Yeah. If I was choosing two candies, I would choose a lime flavor over a lemon. But no lemon desserts now. Now it's lime desserts. You make a good point. Does anyone do lime pie? Yeah, but that's gross. Oh, my gosh.

But do people do lime cookies? Is that a thing? I've had a lime dessert. They're not as good. A lime bar if it's key lime. When you're going for sweet, lemon is better. Lemon mixes better with sugar. Lemon's more versatile than lime is.

But I just feel like it's the worst fruit, man. I like limes more too. So I'm on your side. Nobody here is taking the lemon Starburst first. But there's no lime Starburst. No, but if there was, I would take it first. Yeah, 100%. I don't your side. Nobody here is taking the lemon Starburst first. But there's no lime Starburst. No, but if there was, I would take it first. Yeah, 100%. No, I don't think so.

Over the lemon one? I think that there's a reason lime Starbursts don't exist, and it would be worse than the lemon. There's not even lemon soda. They have to put lime in it to make it better. That's true. There's no, I mean. Wait, well, there's.

Lemon lime. Yeah, but there's like sparkling lemonades, which is basically a soda. And delicious. It is very good. Sparkling lemonade is great. Let me take a totally different angle. Which plant has bigger thorns? Because they both got thorns, right?

Which tree? Do they have thorns? Yeah, lemon trees definitely have thorns. Oh, for sure. Like big old giant thorns. I had just picked some lemons. I bet you cut yourself. The tree got me.

Yeah. They don't want you picking them. No, it doesn't. Which is, what's the deal with that? That goes back to creation right there, man. That's what I'm saying. Come and get the fruit. That's what I'm saying.

I dare you. The seeds to make more trees are in the lemons. Yeah. And it needs someone else to spread these things out. And it's like, no. It's fine just dropping them and letting them rot. Let all the ants get them. They both have thorns.

Oh, a lime tree has thorns too? Yeah. Oh, man. I'm going to keep the lemons. I think there are more things that are lemon flavored. Like, I actually. There are more. I would agree. There's definitely more. When I personally more things that are lemon flavored. Like I actually, there are more, I would agree. There's definitely more. When I personally, that's like vanilla. Vanilla has the most. I'm going to my refrigerator for the rare purpose of, I need a lemon or I need a lime. I'm

a, I'm usually a lime more often than a lemon for a recipe or something like that. But it's not that common either way. And I'm just thinking about all the lemon things in the world I enjoy and all the lime there aren't any. They're like all the lime things. Like there's not that many lime flavored things. I'd rather have a key lime pie than any lemon dessert. I would rather take a key lime pie and throw it in the garbage. Wait, you don't like them either?

And eat a lemon meringue. No, key lime is disgusting. Wait, you both think that? Uh-oh. How's that feel, Jay? It feels bad sharing a dessert tape with you. This is just two dudes smelling their own farts and throwing lime desserts in the trash. Because it's not good.

Key lime pie is so good. Deucers, what are you shaking your head about? I'll take lemon meringue 100% of the time over key lime. I love key lime. All right. Well, that doesn't help anything. All right. So I guess it's settled then. Well, that doesn't help anything. All right. So I guess

it's settled then. Mike, if you like a lemon meringue. I'm going to keep the... No. You're keeping the lime? I'm keeping the lime. I'm keeping the lime. Anyway. Interesting. I just was informed that there were lime flavored... No, it's on Etsy. Oh, it's on Etsy. Okay.

Maybe there were lime starbursts and they didn't pass the test. Someone bought it's on Etsy. Okay. Maybe there were Lime Starbursts and they didn't pass the test. Someone bought them all. All right. One more here, guys, before we try our new game on for size. Skip from the website. Would you rather shake someone's hand if it is wet or dry

after... Wait, what? Oh, I get this. So someone just comes out of the bathroom and it's uh it's a handshake moment we're back baby okay would you rather their hand be dry or wet i have a very strong answer for this interesting yeah interesting i'm here we're going with wet uh how wet it's it's there were no towels in the bathroom. They washed their hands. Did they rub it on their hands first? No, just a couple shakes. Now, I guess the argument is if it's wet in your head, you go, they definitely washed their hands.

Correct. Now, did they wash with soap? Did they just do a little spritz under the water? You don't know. You don't know. Did they not wash their hands and cover themselves in pee-pee? You don under the water you don't know you don't know did they did they not wash their hands and cover themselves in pee pee you don't know we don't know completely dry are you presuming that they not that they're patient enough to have dried it perfectly but that they

just didn't wash you probably if they come out and give you a hearty handshake right out the bathroom door and it's dry as bone you probably know they did not watch but you could tell yourself that they washed their hands and dried it perfectly before leaving the restroom they didn't but you could tell yourself that but if it's wet you can you know that they washed they made an effort they they rinsed why yeah but that's still like the true danger is the germs, right? Yeah. I'll take a moist hand. I think I'm on the other side. I want the dry.

I want a give me a dry handshake. It's weird because even though the wet hand means they washed, there's nothing that won't make me think for just a tiny minuscule second that they either peed on their hand or they put their hand in a toilet. Yeah, 100%. Wait, wait, wait. Back up. You think they put their hand in a toilet?

I'm just saying, if you associate moisture. Oh, I dropped my ring in there. If you associate moisture with the, I'm not saying either one's logical. They also probably didn't pee on their whole hand, Jason. But the bathroom, you come out of the bathroom, what's wet in the bathroom? Pee and toilet water. Yeah. And then the sink.

And sink water. But yes, I'm going dry. I want dry because here's what's funny is I've been in the situation where I come out of the restroom and have to shake hands. And I feel worse when I just wash my hand if it's wet. I feel like they're going to think I got pee pee hands. I won't do it. Yeah, you got to go fist bump. I'll say, sorry, I just wash my hand if it's wet i feel like they're gonna think i got i won't do it yeah you gotta say sorry i just washed my hands i go fist bump i'm gonna come out and say sorry i don't wash my hands so i just sorry so i just i just i put my hand in the toilet

it's too gross I think we agree Shaking a wet hand is too gross Alright let's take a quick break and we'll come back with a brand new game What time is it? Game time. And what is the game we're playing? I think we all know what the name of the game is. Yeah, we do.

We have a new game, and it went through many different possible ideations. Come on. Are you doing this? Yeah, we're playing Guess, Guess, Goose. That's right, baby. The best name ever. Guess, Guess, Goose. There were so many good names. Yeah. Goose. That's right, baby. The best name ever. Guess Goose.

There were so many good names. Yeah. And you're looking up these names. Yeah, we were spitballing names. Some are, you're like, well, another version of this game exists, and they call it this type of thing. And then Andy said, what about Guess Guess Goose? I assumed as a bit. It was a bit.

It was just a joke. But you know what? Sometimes the best inventions are just. The worst inventions. The worst inventions. I came in after seeing guess, guess, goose. I was busy. I think I was in New York at the time, and the names were flowing around,

and I was trying to catch up to this chat. And when I saw guess, guess, goose, I was like, nailed it. Well, we didn't want to, like, you know, Al was reminding us, we don't want to use a name for a segment that someone else might have, you know, copyrighted. So I went with something I knew we could copyright if we wanted to. Guess, guess, goose. And look.

There will be no goose-related things for this game. Just so you know. The loser, the last place person is the goose. There we go. That's why we named it. That's right. Like, guess, guess, goose. So don't be the goose.

It is a guessing game. I don't want to lose now. No, because you don't want to end up. I don't want to be a goose. I want to be a beautiful swan. You don't want to. Yeah, that'll be you. Here's how the game works.

It's pretty simple. We're going to take turns answering or setting a line for a specific question. So it is a guessing game. So my first question that I'm going to, that I'm going to put out there is what percentage of people have peed in public pools? Now there is a right answer. Uh, the serve, the people were surveyed, people were surveyed. And the question is what percentage of people have peed in public pools? In public pools. Now, because I'm the one asking it, and we'll go around in a circle, I'm going to go ahead and take a shot at it.

I'm going to try to hit that percentage right on the mark. If I get within 5% either direction, I'm going to get two points. Yep. Nice. You two are simply going to say higher or lower from what I say. Okay. And if I'm not that close, that's your chance to earn a point. So what percentage of people have peed in public pools? This is

fascinating. Look, you're being surveyed. So you can lie. I'm going to say I'm going to say 10% of people. That's a good guess. I'm going to say 10% of people. That was the number in my head. I'm going to say 10% of people. You wanted 10?

So you guys have to now say higher or lower as we play this spectacular game that's called Guess, Guess, Goose. Guess, Guess, Goose. So the amount of people who have peed in a public pool, I have not. I definitely have. You have peed in a public pool? I had to have, yeah. I mean, there's kids. Have you peed in a public pool? I had to have, yeah. I mean, there's... Have you peed in a private pool?

No. So you just haven't peed in a pool? Yeah, I haven't. Have you been tempted? Of course. Maybe you feel like you're just in a beautiful river. The most public of pools, the ocean, has received bountiful amounts of my urine. That's a blast.

That is a blast. give me a lake or an ocean i've had a hard time in the ocean before oh really getting started yes no i yeah yeah because your body's like i need the freedom i don't feel the freedom yeah but in a pool don't you worry about your shorts no they're getting washed the whole time and with saline water yeah all right okay the cleanest way to clean. Okay. Well, there you go. That's why I also poop in my pants. No. Alright. So I'm going to go 10%. I like that number.

I mean, there's just so many children are peeing in pools all the time. Are they surveyed here? No, but they grow up. Okay. But do they remember their pees? I don't know. I'm going to go that's that's a very good guess i'm going to say higher okay slightly higher so 10 would have been the number i went

with obviously i'm right on the border but i do think it will be higher i think i'm gonna hit this one i think i'm gonna get the two points. You definitely are getting two points. Al, what is the number? The number is 66%. What? What? What is wrong with people? You filthy animals. Don't pee in public pools. What?

That means two-thirds of the people around me are actively urinating. The next time I'm in a pool, that is what I will be thinking. Remember that, everybody. Andy, you get zero points. You should get negative points. You weren't close. I gave humanity some credit. You both get a point because you both went over, right?

Yeah. But I bet you didn't think it was around 66%. I thought it was like 12. I didn't think six times over. I thought I had gotten the two points. I was close to going under. And when he started to say six, I thought he was finished at 6%. What?

And then he said 66%. I will never get in a public pool again. Yeah. Because based on that, two-thirds of the water in that pool is pee. That's what the math means to me. When is the last time you've been in a public pool? Last summer. For real?

A resort. That's a public pool uh last summer for real a resort that's a public pool yeah i was in hawaii and i swam a lot in a p yes you did wow people are filthy yeah wow okay mike it is your turn i'm gonna jump in real quick i think moving forward not 6.6 percent please no 66 percent uh the two people that are guessing over and under, let's write your answer down. Just to see. Because as we get further, I don't want you gamifying the other person. Okay. That'll be good. I would have said 12.

Let the record show. Yeah, that works. All right, Mike, it is your turn to ask the question and guess. All right. My question I am- Man, I was the goose on that one. It's what percentage of people have eaten a Hot Pocket in the past month? In the past month.

Hot Pocket. By the way, this game will be very fun in the future because we can put the questions out. Yeah, follow us on social media. To the Spitwads, and we won't look. Al will have them secretly. Go to the deucer cam. We won't look. Al will have them secretly.

Go to the deucer cam. I don't know if the spitwads have been introduced to Matt, a.k.a. the Falcon, but the return of spitballers on social media. That's the Falcon. The Falcon is soaring through the clouds. The excitement that everyone shared. This is the guy handling it. So make sure you're following us on socials, which are. At spitballerspod. Instagram which are at spitballers pod instagram.com spitballers pot it's spitballers pot everywhere but youtube beautiful which is just

spitball yeah so make sure you're following there if you want to get involved with some guess kids goose all right so what percentage of people have eaten a hot pocket in the last month mike you have the last month you have to set the line. The last month I mean how they have to be very popular with how much shelf space is given up to Hot Pockets in the grocery store in the freezer section. I'm going to set the line

the percentage of people who have eaten a Hot Pocket in the past month I will go 28%. Okay. 28%. Okay. 28%. I pre-wrote down. Oh, did you? My over-under.

Also, I had to go a little higher due to the disgusting nature of the previous answer. I would have said lower, but people are filthy animals. People just eat in hot pockets and pee in anywhere. All right, so over-under, we both wrote one down. We both wrote one down. We both wrote one down. I went with under. I did as well. Okay.

Okay. And I, again. What percentage would you guess? 20%. I'd say about 15. Wow. You guys are close. The correct answer was 18%.

Ah. So Andy and Jason each get one point. Mike gets nothing. Okay. So that's good. So wait, what? 17? 18. 18. 18. 18%. You were close, Mike. I mean, that's good so wait what 17 18 18 18 18 you were close mike i mean that's what did you go at 25 27 oh okay but i i artificially bumped it up because i thought

people were so nasty okay well i did not survey the same people yeah uh people can be nasty but people could be fun let's find out how fun they are. My question is, what percentage of people take their Oreos apart before eating them? So you get to set the line there. I know the line. This is an easy line for me to set. I bet. It's 50. I knew you were going to go 50.

It's 50%. Half the people do, half the people don't. That's what I believe. You know, that that is make you guys choose if it's most or minority that's uh it's over under all right i've got my number i've got uh i've got mine okay we'll give our answer and i want to survey this room here sure uh i'm i went with over at 60 i'm going under and I'm going down to 35%. Okay.

How many in this room you do? It's not every time. I've taken into part. That's the problem. Well, but that's, yeah, I mean, I wish I knew whether this question was asking every time. I'm about 50-50 myself. Me too. So that means I'm a yes.

How playful am I that day? I think you're probably right. I'll bet it's like 65%, but I set the line at 50. How many people in this room regularly take your oreos apart i do not nobody i don't boring boring yeah boring okay that's that thing is lower yeah it could be all right the correct percentage owl jason getting two points here the correct percentage was 46 percent oh oh but it's also under it is yeah so. So Mike gets a point. Jason gets two. Wow, 46.

50 just sounded right when you said it. All right. So do we have an update on the score here? Who's tracking this? I am. And Jason, you have four points. Mike has two. Andy has one.

Are we doubling the points for this final round? We are not. No, because one of us can score more. And we are doing six rounds, so we are halfway through. We are not. No, because one of us can score more. And we are doing six rounds, so we are halfway through. Oh, I was calling each of us going one round. Okay, and we're doing two rounds.

That's what I meant. That's what I said for the final round. It would be fair to double the points. Nah. Yeah, nah says in the lead. It makes the first round a round. No, it's just how we do every other game. All right, here's mine.

What percentage of people watch Wheel of Fortune at least once a week? And again, this show's been on forever. So once a week, Wheel of Fortune. That's like what percentage of people are baby boomers. That's how I am interpreting the question. And you know what? I'm envious. I love that show.

Yeah. I have no idea. What's Wheel Time? What? Who's a Wheel Watcher here? Oh, is that what they call them? Yeah. Anybody know what time Wheel of Fortune is on? I think if you pull this ring, it's going to be... What channel is Wheel of Fortune on?

I think the amount of people that watch Wheel of Fortune at least once a week is 30%. Wow. That's the line I'm going to put. That's a lot of people. I'm going to say 30% of people. Just because it might not be my sensibility, but it's still on TV. And I know people watch TV sitcoms still too. All right, Jay, are you going under?

I'm going under. I went 25%. I'm going 14%. I'm going under. I went 25. I'm going 14. So you went under as well. Yeah. Go ahead. The under did hit. The correct answer was 11.

Oh! Good for you. Good for you people. We should not be walking. Look. That show's great. The show's fine, but you've got to have more to do with your life than regularly make sure every week you're-

Well, nine-tenths of people do. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. I'm congratulating the people. So wait, are 10% of people like 70 to 80 years old? Exactly right. Hold on. On average, how many nights a week do you watch a television program?

Four? Three or four? Three or four nights? You have non-TV nights. Yeah. We're just too busy. I would tv if i was at home sure but i feel like and then on average of those three to four nights about how long are you watching however long i could say eight hours yeah uh oh but is it just a couple hours um i would say if we watch yeah it's probably two hours so what's wrong with sneaking a 30-minute episode of Wheel of Fortune in there?

Wheel's not that good. Oh. It's not that good. That's a great show. It's a great show. If Mike believed it, he'd go higher than 30, and he didn't. If it happened to be on. I don't watch it, so.

If I'm in the lobby of a dentist's office, and they've got Wheel of Fortune on, I'm happy it's on. That's probably most of the views. I'm not like seeking this out at home being like, ooh, what should I watch? The new great show or Wheel of Fortune with 80,000-year-old Pat Sajak. All right, Mike, you are up. So I have, what percentage of people prefer smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter? This is an excellent question. This is an excellent question.

Unfortunately, still from that first one, I know that there's monsters out there who are preferring. 66% being in the pool is, that is. That's unbelievable. They surveyed one family, and this family's got a thing that they do. They have eight children? Yeah. Yeah, they've got one black sheep of the family who doesn't. Right.

All right, Mike, what is your number? What percentage of people prefer smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter? I'm going to put some faith in humanity here. It has to be higher than 50%. Is that your number? No. I'm trying to figure out how high I want to go here because crunchy peanut butter is, in fact, so repulsive. No, it's not.

Oh, it's the worst. It's so good. It's better. It's just hard to spread. No. I like crunchy peanut butter, but I mean, I just don't. You prefer some? I prefer the other.

All right. I'm going to go up to 65%. 65% of people prefer smooth to crunchy. Then I will take the over. I've got an 88% prefer smooth. I'm at the over 75%. Oh, so you guys are way more on the smooth side. Yeah.

I think people prefer smooth. Yeah, I think it's kind of a bandwagon thing. All right, what's the answer? The correct answer is 62%. Booyah! Mike with two points. But both Andy and I get a point as well. What?

Right? No. Do you know how the game works? No. This is my first time playing. Your number was higher than the number that I set. Yeah. And the answer was lower.

Yeah. What did you say? I said 68. He said 65. Ah. The correct answer was 62. Yeah. So you get zero points.

Can I get points, though? No, sir. Okay. No, but also, that's double points, right? We just wanted to check in. It would be more exciting if it was, but no, it's not. Okay, so point update before the final grumpy question. We currently have a tie.

I don't have a lot of points. No, I think Andy's going to goose this time, but currently we have Jason and Mike with five, Andy with one. Okay. Yeah, double points would give me hope here, but I don't even want to be here. Jason, your turn. If we doubled the points, you could only get two points. Yeah, but I gave up of the previous two because I had no hope, too.

Okay. Okay. All right. Well, hey, Mike, we're not a goose. Yeah. High five. That's me. All right.

My final question. What percentage of people have flown kites in the past year? The past year? They've got a calendar year to have flown a kite. I mean, I got a number. I can't wait to hear Jason's line. I wish I knew what city this was. I mean, it genuinely is like, if you were to ask this question in San Francisco where there's wind versus if they ask this question here,

like the vast majority of time you can't fly a kite. There's just not enough wind. Unless you start playing pickleball. Does the wind inspire you to go fly a kite? To fly the kite? Well, it certainly helps. Yeah. You're not flying a kite just on a breezeless day is that

the spark that says let me go get a kite i have thought that before i've genuinely been out it'd be like it's so windy you can fly a kite like we should fly kite is that did we start doing that because wind is ruined so many things there's nothing we can do except for go fly a kite i'm not sure flying a kite is less fun as an adult, but it's far less appropriate. If you see a 40-year-old man just fly a kite, it's like, what is happening? Is that your Batman kite? There better be a key at the end of that. You better be in a storm.

I've got my number. What's your line, Jay? Oh, man. This is a hard one. What percentage of people have flown a kite? People peeing pools flying kites i'm gonna go i'm gonna go 18 percent oh 18 18 i think have in the last year yeah i think that's a good line did you write yours i didn't write i'm gonna go okay i got mine i mean for the record i'm the goose for the record i would assume we're oh for six in this building of have you flown a kite in the last round?

Of course, which is why my number is 5%. I'm under at 5%. I'm going under. I was at 9%. Okay. Mike is the closest. The correct answer was 8%. Man, I'm so good at this game.

So Mike is the winner. But I'm not the loser. No. I'm the goose, baby. That's what I get for naming the game. So Mike, I am the winner, but I'm not the loser. No. I'm the goose, baby. That's what I get for naming the game that stupid name. Yes, Andy. All right. Well, that was fun. That was a good time. We'll go ahead and take another break. Come back with

the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting items for an alien time capsule. So, Mike, we're all going to pick four items to put into a time capsule, things we want to leave behind, I guess, of civilization or whatever you want so that the aliens can find it and get something out of it, I assume. I don't like going first here. You set the tone for the crowd. Yeah, I'm setting the tone. You set the tone for what we're including.

And I don't know which direction I want to go. Yeah. You going to have a little fun with these aliens? Yeah. Are you going to try to help humanity out? And I'm not a very helpful person so i'm gonna leave a nuke well yeah something like that uh no but so i thought it would be funny if you left like an intergalactic treasure map that the aliens come down

and you're like, they're like, what? There's some treasure. Oh, you're trolling them? Yes. There's nothing on that planet? Yeah, I put a big mark on Jupiter that says there's treasure.

Come on. You should go get it. An intergalactic treasure. So they have to go to another planet? Yes. And find nothing? Yeah. But they will to go to another planet and find nothing. Yeah. But they will be looking for it forever.

Oh, they'll know what humans are like. I guess that teaches them pretty well. Wow. Tone set. Well, I guess that's off my list. Darn.

Um, okay. Mike's starting the troll of the aliens. I had a slightly different approach. Okay. Um, Hmm. Which way do I want to go? Now I'm rethinking the order of which I'm taking these.

I think I'm going to give them a little help because first they arrived and they got mistreated by you. Well, they're already gone. Well, they're going to come back for the rest of it um and so i'm gonna give them something nice i'm gonna give them something to understand humanity and like andy said this could be a million years from now so i'm gonna give them a twinkie because i know it'll still be good no matter when they arrive it'll be delicious oh my god they will say these humans knew what they were doing I like them you got any more of them tweekies so I'm sorry they would say you got oh yeah you got any more of these twinkies? That's the actual alien. Space Elvis? This is Space Elvis. You got any more

than... From Fremulon 5. I can't even look at Jason. His lips. It's buried. All right, so we've got a fake intergalactic treasure map and Jason left a Twinkie. I'll do a box of Twinkies. Oh, do a box of Twinkies. Oh, that's kind of you. Like, that's just, that's a troll of trolls if you just leave one. But in millions of years, it's in the box and the wrapping gum, but the Twinkie's still there, right? The Twinkie's fine. It's airtight in there.

Okay. Well, great. Now I know which way the draft is going. You do you, brother. It doesn't necessarily match my list. I will leave them a sample of my DNA. Yeah, nice. To understand peak humanity. And who knows what they can do with that thing.

Yeah, you're wanting them to somehow. I don't know. My legacy could live on. Grow you again. And again, I'm looking to the future of, I don't know, I guess this would be all species, intergalactic enjoyment, joy, happiness, laughter. I'm leaving them an iPod with some spitballers episodes baby that's nice that's

nice that will that will i mean if you just think about how much we've learned on today's episode in every episode and we've got hundreds of episodes by the time the aliens arrived we will have probably done 10 000 of these episodes right um in our robot bodies yeah most of the learning of the world right so that is a brilliant pick um also tell your friends about the spitballers podcast and talk about it with them and they don't have to be human tell all your friends tell me all about it um all right uh this i the pod needs to be obviously large enough to hold all of this stuff because, you know, this isn't like a little thermos size. Right.

No, it's as big as you want. Big as I want. Well, I want them to experience what is great about humanity as well. This is why I'm leaving the Twinkie. Um, but I think one of the best things from us as a race, what makes us special is not the math that we can understand, but the art that we can understand. I'm going to leave them a vinyl record player with a collection, an assortment of records spanning all genres, but country.

Oh, nice. And I will delete that from the annals of history of humanity, and they will say, they had good music. Yes. They will not know that we had. They will not know. You know, we will delete that. Okay.

All right. That's brutal. When you got cancer, you cut cancer out. That's brutal. When you got cancer, you cut cancer out. And that's country. So. All right. You just gave me a new idea. All right.

There we go. All right. Okay. So I'm on the clock. I have two picks. The first one that I am going to leave them, of course, with the incredible treasure map. It will be a big red button that says don't push oh man you know they're pushing that mike is trolling these aliens hard i love it can you

imagine if we went to a planet and there's a button it's like what would don't push this button if we could read it and it clearly said, don't push. What would we do as a culture? We would not push it for a while. Yeah, but how long before we as a people would revolt? The whole planet would end up going into civil war over we've got to push that button. Somebody would run for president just saying, I'm the candidate that will push the button. Yes.

Yes. We need to know what will happen, and I will do it personally. I hope the thousands of years after the millions of years of finding the button, once the alien civilization finally chooses to push the button, what happens, Mike? Nothing. Nothing happens. Just nothing. Not even like a fart noise.

They'll just keep pushing it and be like, oh, I thought something would happen. Batteries must be out. It said don't push. Let's go get that treasure. Okay. I can't wait for your next pick, Mike. Well, just to really sell the joke, you have to have something that's actually useful. Okay.

So this one is not as funny, but I feel like it's sort of along the lines of Andy's leaving his DNA. I'll put in some human anatomy books so they can actually understand what humans look like, how did our bodies function, are we similar. Okay, so you're actually being kind here. A little bit. A little bit. Because it really sells the joke. But you're not going to, it's not like a book where the anatomy, but all the names of everything

have been changed. No. Legs or feet, feet or legs. We don't talk about pinkies. All right. So it's back to me? Yeah, it is. Okay. I know this next pick because I wanted, you know, I want to celebrate humanity.

I've done that with music. I've done that with our culinary arts. Yeah. Yeah. Except for country. Yeah. Yeah. I celebrated music.

Good stuff. I don't want to shame us. don't want to shame us um so i'm gonna do the same with more art with the cinematic universe and i i wanted to not inundate them with too much i wanted to pick one movie wow i want to leave them one movie. One movie expresses humanity. One movie expresses and celebrates the human condition and the life from basically almost birth to death. Okay. I'm leaving them Forrest Gump. I'm leaving them Forrest Gump.

What? Yeah, baby. You just undermined the entire thing. I have a copy of Braveheart on my list, and I was positive that's what you were going to leave him. Oh, man. Braveheart's too good. Braveheart is an unbelievable love story. Look, I love Forrest, but maybe he's not a perfect representation of everybody on planet Earth. There's a lot of history.

He's not a smart man, but he has a wonderful journey you left him a copy of forrest gump over and you get to see a lot of decades through that you know so yeah i think it's the right call uh yeah man i think if you can leave the aliens one movie it's got to be forrest gump wow okay um i'm leaving him a movie as well oh the theme is fantastic i i'm gonna leave him a movie okay i'm gonna leave him a copy of ridley scott's aliens all right this is what we thought you were gonna be like monsters and then because i take offense to the fact you're omitting country music which i'm not i'm not are you gonna put a prius in here i'm putting the manual on how to make a prius no you're not what i'm doing no you are not humanity's gonna know how to make one

car and it's in your face what i am so happy i am dead a million years ago that's exactly what i was gonna do the instruction manual for a prius i'm fighting you the only thing they will use that for because they are clearly intelligent beings yeah they got to earth is yeah they got to earth they don't need the manual to make the worst i want thing ever they are like oh good we can use this for fuel and i will burn this man i want them to think that you you have to title them because all humans drove them you have to title it andy jason moore's guide jason moore's guide to building my favorite car oh my gosh this is the rudest meanest stupid to give a carving country out of our art.

Ever done. You just ruined humanity for these aliens. Okay. That is a good idea to leave a picture of Jason, but just tell him different stuff about him. All right, that's it for me, yeah. Oh, I am back up. Okay. In that case, I've got one last choice to make.

Jason Moore's guide. Jason does not have a pick. He is frantically asking for one. After Forrest Gump, what else is there? I've got other picks. The problem is they're all legitimate. Like your anatomy book. It's good to have a mixture i don't want to i don't want to i want to stick with my theme of art and celebrating humanity okay we've got film we've got audio music yes um we have the culinary arts of twinkie of hostess

the one thing that i feel like is missing is our literature. Of course. I'm going to leave them Harry Potter. Okay, the whole series, front to back. I'm including the Cursed Child. We're doing the whole thing. The illustrated version or just the text? No, no, no. The illustrated

version is beautiful, but it's not a good read. It's not a good book. It's because it's too large? You're saying physically cumbersome. It's the same read no no no no no no it's not it is not you don't it doesn't feel the same you don't experience it the same i've tried i bought them i went i got them too they're nice you've read you've read the whole book in one of those no no they're a beautiful coffee table book but if you wanted to read harry potter i promise you you got both you start on whichever one you want. I know which one you're going to finish with.

It's just, it's too big. So, yeah. How many times have you read the books? I think three times through the whole series. And what, when was the last time you did? Oh, gosh, it's been a long time now. Okay. Probably a decade.

Shakespeare be darned. They're getting- Right. No, I want- They're getting raller. Harry Potter and magic. We're going with the best of humanity Okay

Forrest Gump, Twinkies, non-country music And Harry Potter Non-country music Alright Mike you have one pick left So I think with the last pick You gotta leave the aliens Access to some treasures

Not the fake treasures That you sent them on The problem is the aliens access to some treasures. Not the fake treasures that you sent them on. The problem is if I accumulated the treasures, I would then keep them, but I could leave them something that's almost as good as treasures. It's an IOU.

IOU. Oh, baby! It's just as good as cash. You can probably hang on to that one. Oh, baby. It's just as good as cash. It's just as good. You might want to hang on to that one. Oh, yeah. Yes, Mike. I owe you.

Yes, Mike. These poor aliens, man. That's good. All right, so I don't think we did a lot to help. Well, you two didn't. I celebrated our culture. Forrest Gump, non-country music, Harry Potter, and a box of Twinkies. I want to open that box.

They've got my DNA. They've got an iPod with this podcast. They've got aliens on DVD. It's on DVD? Yes. You can't even go Blu-ray? No. It's on DVD? Yes. I can't even go Blu-ray? No. It's on Betamax.

No, you don't want to put that on Blu-ray. The resolution, it can't upscale. It can't upscale. And then Jason Moore's guide on how to build a Prius. Instruction manual. And Mike's got fake intergalactic treasure map, big red button that says don't push. Human anatomy books tossed in.

Like, oh, maybe he does care for us. And then an IOU. What is that for? A space box or something? There's going to be a few in there. There you go. There's a lot of different ideas, but those are the most helpful. What did we learn today?

Oh, we all know what we learned. Let's just share it. Yeah, we all learned that people are pee monsters. We're monsters. Don't pee in public pools. 66%. That means someone in this room is lying. And you know that someone's lying about... That means two-thirds of this table pees in the pool.

This table is not like that. Hold it. I'm going to try it out. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.