Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 279: Password Problems & A Candy Store Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

On this episode, we lament annoying password problems, delve into the scary world of naked poopers, play another round of Liar Liar and then duke it out in a Candy Store Battle Royale. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-doo-dah-poo-pah-doo-dah-pah-doo-dah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah- All right, we're just going back to the classic. I think he went back to his bag of tricks. Let's just make it a nice and easy, a little smooth jazz. Yeah. Nobody does more poo-pahs than you. And the whisper voice.

I am in need of a good poo-pah right now. This show might end up being shorter? Yeah, I'm going to have to run and take a poop hat. Now, I hope you know we don't have the time to cut and let you go to the bathroom. So, if you have to go, you got to go and we'll keep doing the show. Okay, that's fine. And then any audio that comes through, comes through and then you're back. I wish we had wireless microphones so I could take you with me.

A real experience. You know, a 3D environment. Boop-ah! Welcome in, Spitballers. Episode 279. What'd you rather on the show today? Who cares about that? What's the real segment?

Well, we're doing a draft at Candy Store Battle Royale. Who cares about awesome, my favorite Battle Royale drafts? What's the real segment? We got Liar Liar on the show today, which I found out this morning is very stressful for Al to prepare. He cares too much about winning. Oh, it was stressful today?

He doesn't want – I think it's always stressful, and I think it's because – The more we do, the more stressful it gets. Because we learn. The content's drying up. What, lies? Lies are drying up? I don't think so. The outlandish truths.

You only have a few of them. He's found all the surprising facts. You've lost twice, right? I think that's correct. At this point, you're not holding on to anything. We will kick it off with some Would You Rather. Would you rather?

Trinity from Patreon says, would you rather always have to request a password reset every time you need to log into a website? Or have to chat with an agent every time you buy something online. Wow. I've had a couple of websites in the past where I am in the password reset loop. It is the only way to log in, is to reset the password each time because they like- Oh, I know why. They like expire it. And not only do they expire it, but you can't.

There's a couple rules here that are too far password people. Too far on your password rules. Number one, if you're telling me I can't reset my password to a previously used password, don't tell me my business. Don't tell me my business. I know what my passwords are. If I can't use a previously used password, that means I've got to reset it every time I go because I will never remember what my new password is that means I've got to reset it every time I go. Because I will never remember what my new password is.

Another stupid rule. Get out of my business. Eight characters is enough. If you tell me I've got to be ten characters, stop it. He just let a little secret go. Yeah. He knows his main one is eight. No, it's just under ten. Yeah.

So that's a big problem. I could name one more, but if I name the next one, I feel like you'd just be guessing my password. He's going to say he doesn't want special characters. There's no way that's not it. We'll see. We'll see. Here's an honesty.

When they say use a special character, I hate it when they can't use your first and last name in order. Followed by your birthday. I want to pull up this room. Required special character. Anybody not use an exclamation point. It's always an exclamation point.

I'm an exclamation point. Yeah, of course you are. Yeah. Every single, we're six for six. All the deuces are nodding over there. It basically says, put an exclamation point at the end of this password and then you can do it. Come on.

Just let us have our passwords. If we get hacked, it's our fault. It's 100% our fault. And it's not like when we were younger and growing up and internet was new and it was like a password was like people just didn't know how to make a password your password was password exactly back in the day it's like your password was password and then people came out with all the now it's password exclamation point but it's like you know people came out with rules to help because people were using stupid

passwords but now it's like we know what we need to do for just let me make my password and get out of the way and then let's go a step further stop telling me that my password has been leaked i don't want to know i don't want to know if i click the button once and say, okay, I got it. I know I'm still continuing. Then just stop making that pop-up come up every page. Jason has a lot of password-related thoughts. I do. I do. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, have you ever done the password life reset? Or maybe you've used one for like 10 years. And you're like, you know what? From this point on, I'm going to this other one. I'm going to use forever.

I've got three. I've got three. I think I'm on my fourth now. Oh, congratulations. I'm on my third. It might be my third. Yeah.

I'm on my third. And then it depends. Cause it's like, I've got like the, the low, medium, high, you know what I mean?

Yes. It's like, does this like the low, medium, high. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. It's like, does this website matter? Nah. You can log in. I'll just use OG. That's my OG. I'll just use my crappy one. I don't care.

You can log in. You can't do anything here. And if you find this password, whatever, you're going to get into a bunch of stupid places that don't matter. Then I got my medium. Okay, that's like, you know. DoorDash. Don't get it. Well, that's special. Oh, no places that don't matter. Then I got my medium. Okay, that's like, you know. DoorDash.

Don't get it. Well, that's special. Oh, no, that's your. That's the generated password. Yeah, don't, you know, that's like my fantasy football league or whatever. Oh, that's your medium? Yeah, that's my medium. And then you got the high. You got the like, okay, now we're serious.

Yeah, exactly. This is where, like, you don't leak it. Just let me be in charge of my passwords, password people. I mean, it's an interesting take. You've got strong opinions. You've lived a lot of years with passwords. Based on some of these conversations we're having, we share a lot of these same experiences, and it's time to just grow up with passwords. I tend to agree. I tend to agree. If you're going to get me, you're going to get me. That's kind of my policy. By the way, do any of you have parents like my own who it's not, there's no password system they use the yellow legal pad that they've had for 15 years and i i'm telling you it doesn't matter if it is an account they never get into that you would need to go look it up or it's the most basic account you've ever heard like their

gmail they're going to the other room to get the yellow notepad. Wow. They still don't know it? Every single time. They don't save it in the browser at all? No. No, no, no, no, no. Too advanced. Wow. It is like, I'm like, what's your Gmail? Like, maybe I'm over there helping. What's your Gmail?

I need to log you in. They both leave the room. They're both looking for the pad of paper that's got the notepad on it because- And then they come back and just say something like- Oh, they'll come back with the notepad and it'll have four different passwords written at four different times for the same thing.

So you've trained your parents on password managers? I haven't trained my parents on password managers. I just don't know their password habits. Also, their Wi-Fi password is the one printed on the bottom of the router, no matter whether it's hard to memorize or not.

That is the password. You know you can change that, right? Oh, gosh, no. All right, so reset it every time or chat with an agent. Now, am I chatting with a real agent or am I chatting with an AI agent? I believe all real agents have been fired. I believe AI has taken their jobs and you are chatting with an AI bot. I'm going to say that this AI bot responds like a live agent.

So I'm not waiting to get this person. I'm not like 20 minutes or the 20th person in the queue. No, but you are waiting for every response where you respond immediately to their question. They go answer about 10 other chats. Oh, so it is like a real person. Yeah. It might be AI. It doesn't matter.

I'm doing that one. I'm doing that one. The more time you take between when you want to buy something and you actually buy it, the better decision you make. Oh, yeah. This is my filter. This is my filter on impulse buying. Now, keep in mind, this is just Amazon.

Every time you check out of Amazon, you've got to pull up a chat bot. Maybe I don't need those underwear. I don't know. I'll figure it out over the next 20 minutes of waiting to get confirmation from Suzy the AI bot. But then when you decide that you do need underwear, you've got to tell Suzy about it. Yeah, I do have to tell Suzy. But she's AI. It's going to be big bulk buys.

Oh, yeah. Everything's just going to be. Because you won't want to do it a bunch. Just put it in the cart. Put it in the cart, and I'll be be back I can't do the password reset man that reminds me of another question do you guys deal with so do you have a shared Amazon account for your household

yes and I know where you're going man does your spouse just fill the shopping cart and just to leave it there and like we're going to think about this. Brothers, separate accounts. So you have a separate account. You bet your bottom dollar we do.

Now they're family connected. Right. But my cart is my cart. It is my precious cart. I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, you're going to need to get on that. I'm going to do that tonight. I am so sick of not being able,

like I'm a buy it now guy. Okay, so I'm on a product. So you want to click the buy it now button. I don't need that extra being like i'm a buy it now guy okay so i'm on a you want to click the buy now button i don't need that extra step i'm not putting it in my cart but sometimes i know i'm going to get three things yes and so it's like i don't want to get three boxes at my door i want to just put them all in a cart and check out so i go add the cart add the cart add the cart there's 32 things in my cart i what so what do you do then well then you have to go to web you can't do this on the on the way you guys both know the tricks we have because then you're both saying it was sadness because on web

you can like deselect yes select items they've updated so now it's you can buy everything in the cart or deselect everything are you shared cart Are you shared cart or joined cart, Al? I'm with Jason and Mike on this one. It happens to you. We're shared cart. Oh, yeah. Brothers, go to family management. Family management.

Get that thing set up. All right. Fix your life because you're in trouble. That would be awesome. I also stopped buying my wife's birthday presents with a company Amazon account. Yeah, you should stop doing that, too. I use my own card, but I do use an an account that's not what you just said yeah yeah so very relatable both of these situations i'm gonna do the filter on buying i i don't want to

password reset every time i oh man both of these stink but i don't want to talk to a chat bot every time i buy something and this is only a password is the worst like you have to click reset sometimes you get the email sometimes you don't sometimes it goes into the junk filter here's the thing sometimes it takes 15 minutes yeah the the question says every time you need to log into a website it doesn't say every time you use a website that has a login so So I don't... You're thinking you're saved inside of the login? Most of my sites that I go to... I mean, I probably log into a site once a day, and that'll suck to have to go password reset,

but I feel like right now I already do that once every other day. So this isn't going to be that big a burden. I'll have password reset. All right, Mike, you on the... I'll do the chat. I'll just start making sure I click that Remember Me button. You know what I mean Jason from the website

Would you rather solve a mystery or rewrite history Well it rhymes It's DuckTales man Yeah it is You don't remember that from No is that really Yeah that's the lyric Solve a mystery or rewrite history

DuckTales I just didn't know the I only knew like the history or rewrite history. Duck tales. Woo. All right. Everyone's turning this off now. I only knew like the duck tales. The duck tales. Woo. I knew the duck tales or the woo-hoo. I'll go with, let's make it quick.

I'll go with rewrite history. Really? Yeah. I don't need to solve a mystery. But if you rewrite history, no one will actually know that you have rewritten history. That's okay. Only you will know. I'll know.

I'll know. That's enough? I'll know when the Phoenix Suns are eight-time NBA champions. I was just about to say, why would you want to rewrite history? I think I answered it just now. Dang. Dang. Cardinals are Super Bowl champs again.

Yeah, I'm rewriting history, bro. I'm rewriting history. And also bad stuff gets better i was gonna say there's also bad stuff in the world there's also been terrible things in the world maybe you could have prevented but the thing is is you don't know if it would work preventing it right if you rewrite history just happens to a different tower no but that doesn't mean like bad things are gonna happen that doesn't mean you're changing it right like if you rewrite history and some bad terrible thing in the past, you write that it didn't happen, that didn't change whether it happened.

That's a bad thing. I don't think I want to rewrite history. I'm taking the solving mystery. You can rewrite yourself out. Why would I want to write myself out of history? No, I'm not saying you want to. I'm saying what if you- Oh, I can write you out of history.

What if you butterfly effect write myself out of history? No, I'm not saying you want to. I'm saying what if you- Oh, I could write you out of history. What if you butterfly effect write yourself out of history? You go back and you change something, and all of a sudden, your great-grandparents never met. Oh, because everybody- Okay. Every action is an equal opposite reaction. I'm just solving mysteries, man. Thanks, man. Thanks for answering so quick.

You're welcome. I'm solving the mystery, so I get some credit here. Yeah, I'm doing that one now. I changed. Sasha from Twitter, would you rather accidentally and unknowingly go live on IG while doom scrolling on the toilet or while arguing with your wife? So wait, you're, okay, so you're accidentally going live on IG. You're scrolling on the potty or you're in an argument.

So do you want the world to see you in your special place or in a marital fight? Is there something that gets revealed about you if someone sees your algorithm? I don't think they get to see the screen. They just see your face. Oh, I'm just like taking

it in, but it's obviously in a bathroom. Yeah. So I'm taking it in while I'm taking it out. Taking it in while you're taking it out. They can also hear everything. Yeah. That's fine. And for me, I'm probably shirtless. Are you a shirtless pooper? I always take

my shirt off to poop. Come on. That's George Costanza stuff. This is my boys. Both of them? What? My This is my boys. What? Both of them? What? My boys, not just shirt. What? Oh, yeah.

They go naked poops? They're just full nude poops. What? Yes. I can't have these socks on. I'm pooping. It is outrageous. They can't go over a quick. He pluralized this, Andy.

I know. He said, my boys, this is more than one. Yes, both of them. So the second one followed. This sounds like a parenting problem. Sounds like the second one that followed the first one that followed the father. Yeah. No, I'm a shirt on and everything.

He wears his pants. It's like, I am sick of them getting naked. Watch this. I'm butt flap only. So wait, what if they're in a public environment? Are there a pile of clothes down by the door? If it's in public, the older boy will do whatever he has to do to not use the bathroom. Because he wants to get naked to go poop.

Because he will only use the public toilet in a dire emergency. But in that emergency. In the emergency, I believe he will just go. Will that shirt come off? Now, the youngest. Oh, he's. Shirt's coming off. It's coming over the door.

Dad, watch my shirt. Come on. Oh, yeah. What? Oh, yeah. What? How is this? Shirt's coming off It's coming over the door Dad watch my shirt Oh yeah How is this That can't be real but I know it is You gotta correct this early man Like the first time you saw it You needed to say put your clothes back on He needs to be free

I get that shirt I throw it in the other toilet You take your shirt off And this is what toilet. I say, you take your shirt off, and this is what you get. Next time, don't take your shirt off. Then you're carrying around a shirt that's been in a toilet. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm making him wear it. He gets out, puts his shirt on.

Good luck. Wow. Okay, but back to you. You're a shirt-off pooper. I'm not a shirt-off pooper, but usually. It's not a flattering angle. No, it's not, but back to you. You're a shirt-off pooper. I'm not a shirt-off pooper, but usually- It's not a flattering angle. I wake- No, it's not.

But I wake up. You're saying the phone? Yeah, the doom-scrolling. Yeah, the chin. Oh, it's going to be exaggerated. It's already bad. My understanding is IG Live adds like 25 pounds, so this isn't me. And theoretically, you'd have, maybe if it's a bad day, a little bit of straining.

Yeah, for sure. And maybe you don't even know you're live and they're going to. Well, you don't. Says the question. Okay. Unknowingly. Unknowingly. But yeah, I'm just saying.

Purposely. Well, I'm saying on the phone. It's me again, IG. Notice that, I was saying if you accidentally went live w is in the chat but then once you're live you realize like oh i'm live on the pooper but that's a funny ig channel in general would be just somebody that does the doom scrolling on the toilet that angle but always claims they're doing something else it's like hey it's just me again. I'm just hanging out. I'm going to meet. I'm just hanging out on the couch.

Just sat down for a meal. Yeah. Just another day. Just chilling in the backyard. I'm just at the office getting some work done. Like and subscribe. Yeah. To answer the original question, I meant that I was shirtless because usually when I wake

up, I go straight to the toilet. Okay. I try to squeeze one out yeah yeah of course you're not a shirtless sleeper i i've i was for years and years and years and i changed the the nips got sensitive what is this what is today what is wrong with today's show this is the last one um no i just realized that like some temperature regulation stuff was better with the shirt on. Do you know what I mean? Every once in a while in the winter, maybe I do a shirt. And it's like, I don't know. So when you get up and you go have your coffee, is your shirt still off?

No. Is your shirt off all morning? No. First thing I do is I pick up the clothes that I have thrown from the bed onto the floor. have your coffee is your shirt still off no is your shirt off all morning no no it was the first thing i do is i pick up the clothes that i have thrown from the bed onto the floor because i'm not gonna put them away what's that all about you're getting into bed yeah so i just though that's my morning clothes morning clothes are yesterday's clothes oh really yeah and then they go in the hamper once you shower that is correct interesting now i'm curious i want to know these these morning routines i have uh i have a sleeping shirt and sleeping pants or shorts

really so you when you go to bed you get into the same ones every day they're like pajamas but i mean it's just shorts and a shirt okay real cozy shorts though like they they actually are more comfortable wait so you sleep in shorts yeah is. Oh, wow. Is it like a- I used to sleep in just my underwear. Yeah. But it changed. It's a pajama material. It's not like basketball shorts or sweatshorts.

Fuzzy? Is it fuzzy and warm? No, it's like a real just cozy cottony pair of shorts. Okay. You could play basketball in them if you wanted to. In a pinch? In a pinch. But that was actually part of the the thing i liked was that

then i wake up and i don't have to do nothing i could just walk out of the room someone comes knocking on the door a kid needs something yeah i get that like the middle of the night kid situation i gotta go run out of there or i have to go find clothes it's not the most flattering trying to solve an emergency my morning is solved by a robe so i I'm sleeping. You go robe. I go, oh, the softest robe. Oh, I have no doubt. It's luxury, brother. All right. John Hammond.

But it's no expense on this robe. Yeah, go to the bathroom and then grab the robe. I usually turn my shower on, go wake the kids up, come back to a more steamy room. You're a quick shower. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I do my whole coffee routine and everything before I ever shower. Yeah, I'm that way too. Shower's the last thing I do before I come to work.

Yeah. Oh, shower's what wakes me up, gets me going. Okay. All right. And when you said quick shower, I'm quick to the shower. Yeah, not the shower itself. Correct. Yeah, we already know about that.

He doesn't want people to think that he's not just spending a year's worth of salary on his water bill. I don't want to be IGing an argument with my wife. No, that has to be there. That's out. There's no chance. I'd rather you watch me poop. Just so everybody knows, I've never argued with my wife. No, me neither, but theoretically.

Mike, ever? Once? You've been married how long? Almost 18. She's argued with me. So collectively, we've got like 60 years. Yeah. Zero arguments.

Yeah, that's how you do it. And unless we accidentally go on IG, you will always believe that. All right, Al, do we need to move on or do you want one more? Let's move on. All right. We'll do that after this quick break. Hey, friends. As Mother's Day approaches, you've probably been thinking about connecting with your mom or your grandmother. You don't want them to miss one moment of your life or your kids' lives.

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You definitely want to check it out. That is skylightframe.com slash ballers. All right. All right, we are jumping into another fabulous game of Liar, Liar, Al Borland, who has, we hope, lost a step when it comes to preparing these. Hopefully the stress is real. Oh, I didn't hit the drop, did I? Not yet.

Now I am. liar pants on fire now we're in liar liar yeah alright three rounds two truths and a lie we'll see if we can defeat the ever evil deceptive

Al Borland alright round one. The Dixon... Okay, what are you... How do you... Ticonderoga? Did you read the last one? I read the last one.

I read the third one. Oh, my gosh. All right, we'll get there. Ticonderoga. All right, the Dixon Ticonderoga Company once released a line of left-handed pencils. Despite being identical to the normal pencils, this new product increased sales by 18%. Marketing is everything.

That does make sense. In the 1840s, here's the second one. In the 1840s, it was considered childish to smile for pictures, so photographers would encourage subjects to say prunes, like we now say cheese, in order to keep their mouths shut or taught and the opposite prunes but how does that that's the lie and uh the third one says the opposite of warmth is cool no that's the lie come on man the opposite of warmth is cool that's is cool that's redonkulous the opposite of warmth is cool i mean don't you like putting on a jacket with some nice cool

that's the stupidest thing i've ever when i've read that cool which but i look i'm gonna say this because i feel like this is fair game. We are playing a game. Yeah. We're looking for any angle. Prunes. Prunes. But I don't currently have a red squiggly line under the word cool.

Wow. No, I don't either. And I would expect to have a red squiggly line under the word cool if it was spelled wrong. But it does have a yellow line for me. Oh, you've got a yellow line with Grammarly. Grammarly plus over there. Oh, it's weird. Someone's paying for the sub.

You've been outed. I don't think I'm paying for a Grammarly. Oh, yes, you are. I don't think I have a Grammarly sub. I'll bet you do. I don't have a yellow line. I don't either. By the way, if you don't have one,

that just means you're dumber because that means you don't know your grammar problems. Wait, but you don't know it? Yeah, you're the one paying people to tell you. Nerd. Alright, when I mouse over cool, it says it's a premium suggestion and I don't have access. Oh, alright. Okay, okay, alright.

I don't have access to see more in Grammarly. Okay, alright. So, here's... I don't have access to Seymour in Grammarly. Okay. All right. So here's. I have to do the. I'm doing the prunes one. I'm going with my instincts. I think that's a lie. I'm going with the prunes one as well because in the 1840s.

Why did you just hit your head on the microphone? Jason just hit his own head on the microphone. Did it startle you? Because I i just dropped my i dropped my head down yeah and my hat bill smacked into the microphone and i guess i forgot i was wearing a hat um so my my reasoning is back then the cameras took a while right yeah like was did we have i don't know if we had the the quick we didn't. The quick exposures. Nah, nah, man. Nah, I'm with you.

You had to sit there forever. That's exactly my logic. All right, I'm going with that one. The reason they didn't smile is because they had to just sit there for a long time. Right. For the exposure. I'm going with the prunes. Consider childish to smile for pictures.

So photographers would encourage them to say prunes. Prunes, prunes, prunes. No, that doesn't help nothing, man. What is the whole point of i thought you would just say shut up yeah like don't say anything just close your mouth like in the 1840s prunes could have been funny prunes is funny now yeah but it's a matter of what what is the shape of your mouth like when you say cheese it kind of puts you in a smile cheese that is why that is why yeah say cheese i mean i'm not saying i can't say without smiling my cheeks don't go up when i cheese In a smile. Cheese. That is why. That is why. Say cheese.

I mean, I'm not saying I can't say it without smiling. My cheeks don't go up when I cheese. Cheese. No, you have to say cheese the way everybody say cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Oh, my. You have to smile when you say it.

Right, but that's just. I'm saying that the word has nothing to do with the smile. I was. All right. All right. This. So this game. I was all right. All right. I'm this. So this game, I apologize if this isn't the lie because then I'll wins on round one. But I believe it the same, too.

I think it's the prunes. So all three of us are going chickens, counting eggs in a basket. What is the lie? eggs in a basket. What is the lie? The lie was Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. Okay, that's fine. At least it wasn't the cool thing.

How upset were you when I noticed the squiggly line under the... I was confused because both Josh and I do have a line under it. But I didn't want to point that out and lead anything but it is it is the word feel if i had a red line under there i would have gone well that's mine is a blue a blue squiggly line i don't know what that means that's what josh so did you make up dixon ticonderoga no that's a real pencil company yeah you ticonderoga's the the pencils. Yeah. Really? Your number two pencils, yeah.

Well, all right. Well, we're playing against each other now. This isn't like a lie where the new product line increased sales by 13%, right? No, there was no left-handed line of thinking. It's not Dixon Ticonderoga. I added Dixon. It's just Ticonderoga. All right, this is stupid.

Round two. Before anyone had heard of him, Bill Nye quit his job as an engineer at Boeing to be a stand-up comic after winning a Steve Martin lookalike contest in 1978. Okay. I think that's true. That feels true. I think he was. He did try stand-up, I think.

I know he did stand-up, and he seems like someone that would try to look like Steve Martin. And Steve Martin and him kind of... I mean, young Steve Martin looked more like him. All right. A Swedish man received disability benefits for his addiction to heavy metal music, claiming he couldn't function without attending at least 300 concerts a year and because of this couldn't possibly hold down a job. Oh, please be true.

I think that might be true too. Oh, please be true. I think that might be true, too. His addiction to heavy metal music, he received disability funds for that so that he could go to enough. That sounds like Sweden. Heavy metal for your health. Third one. Every time there is a crew change on the International Space Station, they participate in the Space Olympics where the astronauts compete in zero gravity games, including synchronized space swimming. I'm going.

I'm going lie. Yeah. That's the clear lie. They're not doing synchronized space. Tell us the truth now. You guys got that. Yeah. All right.

All right. Damn it. Why did we screw the first one up? I feel like game theory. I should have gone for the other one. Yeah. All right. Round three.

So we're all tied. We can still, you know. You can game theory here, Jay. All right. Round three. A town in Italy has a festival where they throw oranges at each other, reenacting a historical battle with citrus fruit instead of weapons. Oh, I hope that's true.

Fact number two. The first concept of the modern-day treadmill was created as a torture and interrogation device. Subjects would have their hands bound to the machine while the interrogator in control was in control of the drive belt. So it would make them... Have to run? Yeah, but like if you run too fast, you fall down. Not if your hands are tied.

I know, I know. I was thinking that, yeah. And the third one, there's a unique species of ant found in only New York City called the man hat ant. Oh, baby. The man hat ant? Oh, that is, that's too stupid to be the made up lie. Like, it's so stupid. I don't know, man.

I don't think Al would be confident enough yeah but right but he might be thinking we got the first two ones right so we think that about the third one i'm going treadmill lie treadmill lie the oh that's so the the one with the italy and throwing oranges there where's the place that does the tomatoes uh have you seen that? I believe that's... That's Spain? No, I'm thinking of the comedy show with the little bear. What? Waka waka!

Oh, with Fozzie Bear? Yeah. No, there is a town... Boom, baby! There's a town that does this. I don't know if they're not reenacting. But they grow tomatoes. But the whole town square gets in a giant tomato fight.

So you're thinking he might have taken that and put oranges in there. I think that's a possibility. Or use that as, let me just make something. Right, the basis. Here's my issue with that first one. They're reenacting a historical battle with citrus fruit instead of weapons. But it's like, what time frame is this? Prunes.

Is this swords? Or is this guns? They're just saying because it's like is this swords like or is this guns you're they're just saying that i don't think citrus can replace either one of those weapons i think it's that they are celebrating a historical battle but instead of using prop weapons they're throwing oranges at each other honestly that would hurt real bad extremely dangerous yeah that would hurt a lot i'm gonna take the oranges as the lie i'm taking taking the treadmills as a lie. So now, one of us is definitely going to well, I guess we've got to

wait to see. Andy and I can't both win. I'm going with the oranges. Okay. Because of the tomatoes. So either you two won, I won, or we all lose. Well, we've already lost. But who's the true loser? Mike and Jason are the true losers.

Andy got that one correct. Oh, man. It feels bad. Well, I mean, we didn't beat Al, but I beat you guys. So there's a town that does the oranges, and then there's a town that does the tomatoes. I'm not familiar with the tomatoes. I'd rather be a part of the tomato town.

The orange fight lasts three days. Wow. Until everyone dies. I orange fight lasts three days. Wow. Until everyone dies. I mean, getting hit by an orange, that's like a problem. Oh, I was right. The tomatoes is in Spain. What is going on over there? It says the orange fights are between people pretending to be the Duke's men and people pretending to be Violetta's helpers.

What are they? You ever been hit in the face with an orange? I've got to imagine that's terrible. Yeah, that's heavy. I'd do it for three days, Mike. Three days of orange pelting. At least a tomato explodes. So it saves you.

I'd rather be hit in the face with a thousand tomatoes versus one orange, I think. I don't think the ratio is... I would take the one orange. But if you were like three tomatoes, maybe. But a thousand might be a little bit too many. Tomatoes are what they do in the one orange. But if you were like three tomatoes, maybe. But a thousand might be a little bit too many. Tomatoes are what they do in the fairs. I'd rather be shot by tomatoes from a Gatling gun.

Tomato, when the person's in the stocks, is that right? Yeah. Back like the medieval times, if you're at a rent fair, someone's in there and they're insulting you. Yeah, and you throw tomatoes at them. You throw everything, lettuce. Yeah. Lettuce. Come on. Who's going to throw lettuce? Congratulations, Al. You did it again.

All right, let's take a break. Hit the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we have a new home for a battle royale. We are in the candy shop, and Jason has the first pick. We are, of course, fighting to the death with anything we can find. It's the only way to fight. Inside the candy shop. Jason, first pick. You lucky?

Lucky? Yeah. I don't think there's a clear 101 here. I'm lying. Okay, yeah. I was like, I don't. There's one I want. There's one that I want.

There's two that I really want. And there's no chance that the one I'm going to take right now would ever come back to me because it's clear. I think it is a great weapon. I will say I think there is a 101. But the other one I think maybe could come back to me. So I'm going to go with Jawbreakers. Yes, that is the 101.

I mean, it's a bludgeoning rock. Just because of how hard they are. Yeah, it's a projectile. It's a projectile or a bludgeon. Like, you know. Just holding it in your hand, swinging it down. If I'm holding that and I'm just swinging it on someone's skull. You're not thinking of the, you're thinking of one of those giant jawbreakers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Size of my fist. But you only took a regular jawbreaker. No, they took the brand. That's not the. A regular jawbreaker you can just put in your mouth. Oh, when I think of a- You're thinking of one that's like on a stick?

When I think of a standard jawbreaker, I think of one that is gigantic. Yeah, me too. And it takes you forever to even get through. Giant jawbreaker. No, no, I'm just kidding. So you're going jawbreaker because you can throw it. You can hit with it. I can throw it. You can hit with it. I can throw them.

I can hit with them. They are the hardest thing known to man. There's a reason they're called Jawbreaker. I'm going to break a jaw with it. No, I understand. I understand the name. All right, so you've got it. Jawbreakers, as you begin your attempt to defeat the both of us in this candy store.

As you begin your attempt to defeat the both of us in this candy store. To me, look, if you eat the candy you draft, you take away a weapon that you got. Right? Right. And you're in a candy store and you want, I mean, who wouldn't want to eat some candy? Yeah, I do. I am going to draft the candy cane. It was the first thing I wrote down.

Because I get, I have to eat a little bit of it as I sharpen that candy cane down into. A shank. An absolutely brutal, a brutal holiday shank. You can get those things so sharp. You really can. You can pierce your tongue at home with just, like, once you're halfway through this candy cane, just give yourself tongue ring. Easy peasy. Now, I mean, there is a bit of a delay. I mean, if you come running at me, I can't be like, hold on a second.

I need to sharpen this thing. I got to get this thing going. It's true, but you will have fresh breath. I need to sharpen this thing. I got to get this thing going. It's true, but you will have fresh breath. I will have fresh breath, the holiday spirit, and a really, really sharp shank. So I'm going candy cane.

All right. I will say in preparation for this, I wanted to know, like, you know, here we are trying to do murder. Right. Yeah, trying to do murder. And, you know, there's no. Kids don't do murder. I'm trying to stand my ground, but.'s no kids don't do murder i'm trying to stand my ground but okay i can't wait to see your your picks uh but i'm saying i'm i'm defending myself you're murdering okay but i was like what is you know what's more often used you know take

firearms out i thought like a bludgeon would be number one, but it's actually blades. Yeah, the shank is going to do it. The shank might be good. That's going to get some blood out. And if I use it right, you might taste it too. You're going like – Through the throat. Okay. All right.

Yeah. I thought I was getting a treat. All right, Mike. You got two picks in a row. I was searching for a particular candy, and then I came across this one, and I thought this is delightful because sour feels like it can be weaponized. When you're talking about candy, there is a Warhead Sour Spray. Oh!

So you are getting maced with sour. I love it. I had Sour Candy Spray because they do make those. Yeah. It's like a binaca for sour freaks. I was looking for binaca, first of all. Yeah, no, that's a fair pick. And then I got down a rabbit hole.

I'm like, what happened to binaca? No, and that's sticky in your eyes too. When we were kids, like teenagers, banaca was all the rage. It was super cool. And if you're too young to know what banaca is, it was essentially a spritz mouth freshener. It was an aerosol, and there's no doubt that they were using whatever ozone-melting aerosol, and there's no doubt that they were using whatever ozone

melting aerosol chemicals they had in that thing probably. It was so strong and so minty. It was cool because of the actual fact you sprayed it. Yes. It was real hip and trendy at school, but so I'm going with the water-based shower spray. I like the base. It's good. That's nice. That was not on my list. Then then for the next one, I mean, projectiles is possible. I feel like if I in a pinch, maybe I can make

some kind of sticky trap, but I'm just going to take some gumballs. Good old fashioned gumballs. Yeah, that was actually second on my list. You can chuck them at people and then they'll trip on them. I say you do the home alone. It's a little marbles. Put them all over the ground. They kind of are a three-use type

of object. You can either trap with sticky or slip with keeping them just marbles or projectile. Then that makes my next choice a little easier in terms of my top picks. Mike, you have the sour spray and the gumballs. I've got the Candy Cane

Shank, but I'm going to go with what I think will be a bludgeoning object and, if necessary, a shield, which is I'm going to go Gigantic Lollipop. Yep, okay. Gigantic Lollipop. I was hoping that I could

make it back. And I'm going to be honest. There's a chance that when I bludgeon you with it, it doesn't hurt that much because I've already started to eat it. Yeah. So it might be smaller. You like those, huh? Well, no, actually, I've never had one in my life. What? I've never had a giant lollipop because they seem unwieldy.

You never try one from Disneyland. You got to put them away. I mean, like when you're done. No, once that thing's open, you got to. You can't go the whole way. That's like a multi-day project. No, you usually keep the wrapper. You put the wrapper.

Oh, really? Yeah. You just can't house one of those. It is also a one-time bludgeoning tool. Because if you hit someone properly with it, that thing's going to shatter. Yeah. It's not like a jawbreaker. It's a one-time.

So I'll use it as a shield first. I'll use it for, you know, if you're tossing gumballs at me or jawbreakers. But then I'm going to hit you with it. You hit him with the lolly. I hit him with the lolly. I'm a good boy. Yeah, that's right. All right.

I was, so that was my second one. Lollies? The giant lollipop was the second of the two picks that I was going to make here. The giant lollipop was the second of the two picks that I was going to make here. So I know the one, the one that I wanted early, and I figured might come back to me. That one's still there. It's the giant gummy worm. Okay.

Oh, okay. You know the big. Oh, the worm. The worm. The disgusting, awful albatross of something that they sell to eat. I mean, how could someone. I've unfortunately had my children receive one of these before and watched them take full mouth that thing's like a sack of potatoes you're hitting people with oh yeah that's just got some weight a big old heavy noodle um

yeah yeah that's a great that's a great pick um it is. So the giant gummy worm is going to be very good. I usually like to get some kind of a whip or. Yeah, some kind of long. Yep. Like swinging. All right. So now I've got two more that I really like. But you only got one more pick.

And I'm just trying to decide which one could come back to me. And when I look. So many funny options all right i'm gonna take i'm gonna take the candy necklace why is that what yeah for fashion you want to murder and look good okay do you realize how easy it would be for me to choke someone with a candy necklace? No, I don't. Yes, I'm going to throw this thing over your throat. It's going to snap. No, it's not going to snap.

The insides are strong. No, it's elastic. I will absolutely. That thing will choke you out. That thing will give me a nice little indent. I'll feel uncomfortable for a moment, and then there'll just be candy everywhere oh i will have already eaten candy those are delicious okay so this will just be a i'm just getting some string to choke you all right all right look i'm not gonna argue too much with the like hey does it last does it not okay the concept i understand it and that's also because of my next pick no no i'm going with sweet tart

ropes oh because i'm making okay a little noose or a little lasso but i'm using them ropes i'm stringing them together and i'm gonna it's a whip it's a lasso it's a noose whatever you want i'm using some ropes okay i i did have licorice ropes on my list. My elastic is way stronger than your candy. I don't know. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I don't know. This is not up for debate.

It's up for debate today. Remains to be seen. We'll take your opinion. One of these is easily, you just take a soft little bite and it comes off. The other one is made to be pulled and tugged and chewed through other candy and still withstand it. One of them is food. You got to believe me. The non-food is stronger, I promise.

We'll never know. All right, Mike. It's up to you to round out your picks okay so let's see i'm trying man you guys depleted my list a lot uh okay i will start with okay i'm gonna need a lot of it i'll just say but i feel like i could set up at least not not so much a shield but i could hide behind it okay a wall of cotton candy a wall it's the strongest thing known to man it's so much stronger than your elastic i'm not saying you can't go right through it i'm just saying you can't see me i did write cotton hiding i wrote down a cotton candy trap it would be sticky and messy and disorienting and i could hide from my opponent thank you so i

did it's i'm hiding behind a cloud you don't know where to put a cup of water on it just oh that's gone yeah but by that time i'll be gone you won't know you technically if there's a enough cotton candy you won't know where to how to hit them in the face or something. How much cotton candy are you getting? A wall. I specified a wall. The candy stores, just so you know, they don't sell walls of cotton candy. You're going to have to build this.

That's fine. I can handle the engineering. I can put it together. All right. Warhead, sour spray, gumballs, cotton candy. I can put it together right so what a warhead sour spray gumballs cotton candy oh man

this is falling apart jawbreakers giant gummy worm candy necklace for Jason I have candy cane shank giant lollipop, and sweet tart ropes. Mike has a Warhead Sour Spray, gumballs, and cotton candy. Right? Who's on the clock?

Mike's on the clock. Make a pick, man. I didn't think you guys would, like, deplete my list. You're out already? I have one left, but it's doing the same thing as the sour spray, but whatever. Fine. I need some... Sometimes when you're in a fight, you need some pocket sand, so I'm going to take some

fun dip. Okay. All right. I've got one like Tampa better. You got pocket sand? Pocket sand is good. You're not no king of the hill? Oh, yeah.

Well, yes. Pocket sand. Although I think of blood sport. Okay. Yeah, yeah. It's yes. I could say that. Although I think of blood sport. Okay. Yeah, yeah. It's the same idea. Yeah. But all of my stuff is just spraying you in the eyes.

All right. My final pick, guys. Look, it may come down to going bare knuckle fighting. Oh, no. We've eaten all the candy. No, no, no. What? I'm lining up a bunch of ring pops, and I'm using them as brass knuckles.

Pow, pow. That's great. That's what I wanted. Yeah. I was between the candy necklace and the ring pops. Oh, I thought the ring pops would come back to me. You played a dangerous game. Yes.

I played a dangerous game and lost. All right. How many picks do I have left? Just one. Thank goodness. Okay. Is this the grand finale? It is. Get us out of here. All right. How many picks do I have left? Just one. Thank goodness. Okay. Is this the grand finale? It is.

Get us out of here. All right. Let me see here. Of the things. Are you all right? Yeah. Of the things that I have left, there's only two I'm debating between. I think I'm going to go similar to yours, Mike.

I'm going for the eyes. Except you've got pocket sand. I've got, like, bags of sand. I'm going with the giant pixie stick. I can use this thing as a little, you know, bludgeoning tool, like just slap you with it. With a little pixie stick? No, I said a giant pixie stick. Oh, giant.

How big are those? They're, like, three feet. You know more about candy stores than we do. Yeah. With a little pixie stick? No, I said a giant pixie stick. Oh, giant. How big are those? They're like three feet. They're awesome. You know more about candy stores than we do. Yeah. Well, I haven't been there in hours. I'm aware of it, but I also don't forget I get the little candy stick. Yeah.

You're going to mash it into my face? I don't know. You're going to eat that. You know it. That's the best part of the fun dip, always, was eating that candy stick. Yeah, giant pixie stick. How big would you say it is? I would say it's three feet a yard.

Yay big? I would say it's about yay big. Okay. And it's full of pocket sand. Yeah. So you're saying you whip somebody with it, it breaks open, then you've got- That's right. Then I blow it in your face.

All right. I don't know how this draft went, guys. don't what were the end teams jason has got a bludgeoning a bludgeoning jawbreaker a giant gummy worm a candy necklace he's going to use to choke you with and a giant pixie stick uh i've got a candy cane shank a gigantic lollipop shield slash bludgeon, a sweet tart rope for a noose or a whip or a lasso, and ring pop brass knuckles. I guess they're just ring pop knuckles. There's no brass.

Mike's got a sour spray to spray you in the eye with, gumball, a bunch of gumballs. Miscellaneous. Cotton candy to hide behind or eat. And Fun Dip Pocket Sand. And there you go. So Mike obviously did not have any leftovers from his list. Do you have anything? No, I'm out.

Great. I had, let me see here. I did throw, I put Chucking Jawbreakers because I thought they were small. They have smaller ones. Laffy Tffy handcuffs. No? No. I thought slapping people with Skittles bags might hurt.

Just bags of Skittles. I thought about a Kit Kat. It's more of like I trick you. I'm like, hey, do you want half of this? And then when you get close, I shank you. So it's a lure. It's a lure. It's like I'm offering you friendship because you want half of my Kit Kat.

If you're going lure, go Reese's Cups. Okay. I'd much rather have a Reese's Cup than a Kit Kat. Yeah, but then you can't say give me a break. My last option was candy cigarettes to give you lung cancer. Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah. I had an apron from the workers that are making all the fudge and stuff.

Oh, I'll take the cash then. I didn't know that this was an option. Oh, I'll hit you with the- Just to protect from all the blood that I'm going to be causing for you guys. I'll take the mop that I know they have for cleaning. Yeah, and I had the espresso chocolate, like the chocolate-covered espresso beans. With the power-up? Yeah.

I'm going to eat like 20 of them. And then the lights come up. And you're all going to, you better kill me quick. All right, Mike, you were out. Yeah, I was out. We're all out. I was out four picks ago. What did we learn today?

I learned that Mike's kids are naked poopers. Just the boys. Just the boys. Thank you. I learned that Jason's the most experienced with the varieties at a candy store. And that cool is a word, apparently. Yeah. I'm not sure.

This might be just all lies. Say liar, liar. Prunes. Say prunes. That's the thing. That sucks. Cool is a pleasantly low temperature. That's pretty coolth, man.

All right. That's it. That's a little coolth in here. That's a little pleasant. I want to thank all of you for choosing to spend some time with us today. And we will be back. I think. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.