Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 28: Food Fight To The Death!

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

The wheels fall off today as these three idiots truly make some big mental errors for your enjoyment. We even find out some more embarrassing information about some of the musical preferences of Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ultimately, the real show is the FOOD FIGHT TO THE DEATH. They draft food that would be used in a battle. Who's food can kill the other two? You'll love this episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. You know, it never gets old hearing that I'm a buffoon. It's fresh every time. That kind of hurts a little bit. It does. It's a humbling beginning to the show.

Not if you don't know what it means. Hmm. A true buffoon. If you don't know what a buffoon is, yes you are. Congratulations. Just saying, if you don't know what a word means, can it actually hurt you? Well, we found out that Jason didn't know what a minch was. Yes. I still

feel like we should not be able to say that on this family-friendly podcast. A minch is a... No, I am not. You're a minch. How dare you, sir? And you know what? Watch your mouth.

You're a son of a minch. Am I really? Yeah, because... How dare you speak of my mother or father or grand... I don't know what minch means. It's a person of integrity, Jason. Yes, I am. See?

See? I gave you a compliment that sounded like an insult. Yeah, I just I've never heard that word. So I still don't believe. And that's why the spitballer show is a it's a good show. That sounds like a bad show. Hmm. See what I mean? Oh, what a what a mince this show is. Welcome into the spitballers. Huge words. Nice. Welcome in. Would you rather? That's a huge minch. Don't think bad words. Nice. Welcome in. Would you rather? That's a great question. A great mock draft. A very funny mock draft on the show today.

And yeah, we're going to get into it with a review from you, the listener. Review-a-saurus rags. Oh, this one comes in from... Did I catch you by surprise? Yes, it totally did. I was not even on it. From all my turtles from the United States of America. Number one, it's literally just three dudes arguing over pointless stuff, and it's fantastic. Number two, the intro is fabulous.

Sounds like if Seinfeld was funky. I like that. Number two, the intro is fabulous. Sounds like if Seinfeld was funky. Three. I like that. I don't know if there's a difference between the three dudes. Actually, to me, they're just middle-aged dads one, two, and three. I call two. I call one. First to worst.

Wait a minute. Number four, they made me laugh out loud, like a really loud, gross gasp laugh in the middle of class, which I'm not happy about. But at the same time, it was funny to everyone else. And so there's that. And number five, I get to use this to procrastinate. So, yep, five stars. Well, thank you, Oh My Turtles, from the United States of America.

We appreciate your review. Is it Oh My Turtles, as in you're exclaiming, trying to protect your animals. Oh, my turtles. Or is it, oh, my turtles. Turtles. Like you didn't expect there to be turtles, but then you discover turtles. It's definitely that one. All right.

I just need it clarified. Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks for your review. We appreciate them on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, wherever you're listening. We appreciate the subscriptions, the support. Wow. It's happy to be back in the new year. I don't think I've ever ran into turtles.

Like in the wild. Like suddenly? I've seen a wild horse before. You have? I've seen wild boars before. I've seen hyena. Or is that? No.

What are those little? I thought you were trying to find the multiples of hyenas. Javelinas. Yes. I mean, I've seen a lot of different things in the wild. If you've seen a wild hyena... Yes, not a hyena. Where we live.

You call the zoo. But have either of you ever seen... Have you ever been anywhere... I've seen a wild tortoise. You have? I have. A wild tortoise? Yes.

It feels like they don't exist. I know. That's what I was thinking. I would be like oh my the turtles the area where i grew up was when i was very young was still very underdeveloped so the turtles are there in a neighboring lot there was a tortoise wow i mean wait in a neighboring lot like owned by somebody well there was no house there yet. It was just an empty lot. It was very desert-y when I was growing up. And I don't believe you. Would you rather?

Would you rather have someone behind you honking and tailgating everywhere you drive or be stuck behind a lazy, slow person everywhere you walked? Who, like I can't get around them? Yes, that is correct. This is funny because I was in, I took the family up on New Year's Day to Prescott, Arizona. The snow had fallen. There were many uh dangerous roads it's freezing cold outside and we got caught on the sidewalk behind two elderly people but not old enough to where they should be walking this slow like i just mean like elderly to me but

not like that elderly and it was like three or four of the moments where Bree and I just turn and look at each other like. What is happening? We're never getting anywhere. Like we can't. We're freezing cold and we can't. What do you do? We will die in the snow. How do you get around?

Like we have our kids with us. How do you get around these two people spreading out across the entire sidewalk? You know what you do? You hit them with a, oh my. Turtles. They are going to go and look. They are definitely pulling over to the side and trying to see the turtles. It is now my new bucket

list item to come across in the wild. Turtles, and that will be my... That also reminds me, I've also seen a giant turtle in the ocean. I think I have seen a giant turtle in the ocean i think i have seen a uh a lake a lake turtle you know mike's always bragging about how well traveled he is and it all comes back to how many turtles

he's seen in the wild that's that's really how i quantify my my life experience having somebody behind you honking and tailgating is so stress-inducing, but would you get used to it to where it's better than the, you know, if you're walking everywhere behind somebody slow, like which are you most likely to get used to because both suck? Well, here's the way I'm looking at it right now. Assuming that I'm in the car by myself, because this is not a maneuver you ever pull with the family, there's at least retribution for the tailgater,

which is you just slow down. Just keep slowing down until you're going 15, you're going 20 under the speed limit. But now it's your choice. Yeah, you're going slow, and you are driving around with your family all the time. This is somebody behind you honking and tailgating you. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

If it's just me driving the car, the family's not there. I'm not risking anyone else's lives. Just my own personal agenda. That'll grow. You don't slow down on the tailgater? I have many a time slowed down on a tailgater. But this is different, guys. If you do that, Mike, you're accomplishing nothing.

Because the remainder of your natural life you have a honking tailgater oh that's valid that's really valid so you just do it and you're like take that but at least you're going 15 miles an hour it at least brings me some semblance of joy where if i'm stuck behind a slow person that i can never ever pass you just i'm the tailgater i'm shouting at this person you just a couple difference. A couple weeks ago, drove to California. Correct. A nice six and a half hour drive. How would that feel with honking the entirety of the way behind you?

And right up on your butt as you're going on the freeway. That would be a nightmare of a trip. But I feel like I would rather someone behind me that only affects me mentally right I've got to overcome I've got to rise above this stupid honking that someone in front of me that actually affects my ability I can't get to the airplane on time can I loophole this thing by not walking anywhere can I be on a unicycle for the rest of my life and not walk it has to be a unicycle i will absolutely let you with only a unicycle so you start practicing your unicycle skills and we will allow okay all right but i mean could you imagine running late to the airport you know

when you got to get on like you got up you're done you got to get to your gate i'll get out of my way yeah you're done no could what could you would it work, I mean, I don't want to be rude here, but like. Push them out of the way. Could I just trip them? Could I give them a flat tire and see you later? You could, but then there just will be another replacement slow person. Yeah, somebody else walks right out in front of you. This is a, I've seen some horror movies in my time, but this sounds like the plot of the worst.

I'm going to take the honker behind me. I'm going to take the honker behind me. I'm going to take the honker as well. Because we live in Arizona. It's hot out. The amount of times I walk, this is very few. Well, I presume that the honker. Well, then why wouldn't you take the walking one if you barely walk? Well, that's a really good point.

Yeah, I got very confused there well i the reason is it goes back to the previous reason which is i i don't want anyone to affect me in practical life you just really didn't need to make the point but i did not know not walking outside a lot nope there's three buffoons i never walk give me the tailgater give me the car one i'm always driving i'm an idiot all right mike can we move on yeah good would you rather only eat with a spoon or a knife the rest of your life oh good forks and fork derivatives have been outlawed so this is a post-apocalyptic world where forks are gone i'm imagining that at some point in time we find out that forks are getting into the oceans and we can't have them no you can't have forks if they're in the oceans um so a spoon

or a knife for the rest of your life now Now, the knife, obviously, you've got the advantage, right? You've got some ease to cutting things. Certainly, but good luck cutting your soup or your cereal. I mean, I guess you can bowl it. Eating cereal with a knife. Like that? I want that YouTube channel. Do you go challenge?

Eating with a knife YouTube channel. Let's say it's a steak knife. Do you try to go mouth and risk your lips, or do you try to stab? You pierce? You pierce the cereal. That'd be difficult. One Cheerio at a time? One Cheerio.

No milk ever goes in. Half the time, it splits in half. This is a problem. Dang it. I've got a bunch of half Cheerios in my bowl. But Mike, I want to see you eat a steak with a spoon. Yeah. That's just called scoop it like a shovel, hold the whole steak, and take a bite from the outside.

That's right. Because there are things on both sides of that equation that'll be tough. You can spread with a spoon. I think I like ice cream and cereal so much. You can ice cream with a knife. You could ice cream with a knife. That's true. But you can't cereal with a knife.

You can ice cream with a cone. Nobody's outlawing cones here. Do you use the cone to get the ice cream? Is that how you... Oh, the scooping is a problem. I'm going to cut out a nice square. Hey, actually, wait a minute. Oh, goodness.

I might be on onto something here. Imagine you get your ice cream container out. And it comes with a... And you want to put it in a cone. Instead of scooping these things out, what if I literally just straight down with a knife cut out a rectangle block, and I've got this perfectly shaped thing to put in my cone? So it's like a... It's the perfect shape of a cone?

A square? Yeah, there's literally a phrase against that. A square peg into a round hole. To say that this is not ideal. He called it a perfectly shaped piece of ice cream. Maybe I've got a square cone.

Yeah, you would have to change the cone. I'm going to do that. So that I can knife my ice cream i've got a square cone yeah you would have to change the cone yeah i'm gonna do that so that i can knife my ice cream give me a spoon give me a spoon i feel like i can make the spoon still made of metal it's hard edged i can i can it takes a little extra forearm strength yeah there's a great song for me it's it's a weird this is a weird fact about Mike, but you know how... I'm allergic to spoons. No, no. When you watched the Ninja Turtles cartoon as a kid, the way that they depicted pizza, it looked so delicious.

Oh, yeah. Stretchy cheese. Yeah. Seeing in movies and things that's usually in a historical piece of some sort, not modern. But seeing people eat an apple with a knife, you're like, something has never looked more delicious to me. Are you talking about the thumbing? Yes. Where you thumb cut the apple open?

You're going to take the knife for that reason? Just for apples. Let me ask you something. You psychopath. Apple's only diet. Honest question, because I am an idiot, and I took the car

after realizing that I only drive. Point proven. Name the last time you've eaten apples with a knife. Like literally eating it off of the knife?

In your life, Mike, when was, how many days ago, how many hours ago was the last time that you sat down with an apple and your beloved knife right and it did that process I think I can confidently say within the last 20 years okay so I'm taking the knife as well not for stupid

apples I'm taking the knife for my square ice cream cones, which are going to be a huge hit in America. But more importantly, I'm a steak man. I can drink my soups and cereals. I feel like I can pick up my steak with my hands and I don't care. Oh, I need to... I want to cut in. Well, I think, I mean,

you can't pick up anything with your hands. You have to use this utensil. Well, then soup is gone. No, soup's not gone. No, he said you can't use your hands. You have to use this utensil. Then soup is gone. No, soup's not gone. No, he said you can't use your hands. Watch me dog it. I'm going down to that bowl and lapping that up. All right.

I'm taking the knife for sure. All right, I'll take the spoon. I'm taking the knife. Would you rather always have your outfits consist of shorts and pants that are the exact same color and pattern. Oh, man. Uh-oh. Or have to constantly wear a hodgepodge of clashing colors and patterns.

Oh, but there's a note. Okay. Oh, no. There's a stipulation. You can't go all black or all white. Oh, when you're doing that. Because you were going to go all black. You're darn right I was.

And be so thin. I love the all black look. For us hefty fellas. Says a man who wore a white Michael Jackson jacket yesterday. It was not a Michael Jackson jacket. It just had zippers on it and looked a lot like Michael Jackson's jacket. Like something that Michael Jackson wore in the hit song Beat It. Yes, that's correct.

Man, taking out the all black really hurts. So here's where I'm a little confused. I feel like I might already fit into one of these categories. Like, I don't match on the reg. I pretty much wear a hodgepodge. You don't always clash, though. No, you don't clash. Yeah, you're not.

I mean, occasionally, like when you go with like a blue fantasy footballers t-shirt and then a white Michael Jackson jacket, it clashes a little. But most of the time, you're fine. I don't want as much. I mean, what gets you less attention? That's all I want. Less attention would be the single color. Yeah, but that would be bad attention when you get it.

It's like I cannot tolerate, and my wife laughs at me frequently for this, I cannot tolerate blue shirt, blue jeans. I feel like I look like a blueberry. I look like, what's her name from Willy Wonka? Violet, you're turning violet. Yeah, I look like violet. I cannot handle the blue on blue any blue on blue like like a navy with a lighter pair no can't do any blue blue i have if i have blue jeans on i will have no shade of blue as my t-shirt i have this really nice button-up blue shirt that i got from one of our sponsors on our other podcast. It's beautiful.

I wore it on. It fits. I tried it on. It fits well. It's got this white collar and this beautiful, rich, dark blue. And I've never once worn it because I would wear it with a nice pair of jeans and all my jeans are dark blue. And it's just ridiculous.

I think I'm with you. I want to go outrageous. You got to get the black jeans. And if you're in beige on beige. Beige on beige is trouble. You resemble not good stuff. Things that we don't talk about. If you're beige beige, you're just a walking piece of skin,

and I don't think. Is that man screaming? It's pale man. Is that man screaming? It's pale man all over again. Yeah, I'm going... I want to look outrageous. You look like a clown. You remember corduroy pants?

Oh, corduroys are the best, man. Growing up in school. I love corduroy pants. Still? Wait, was that a love or a love? Love. I don't have any currently. You don't love them enough.

That's accurate. I'm definitely going mismatch, hodgepodge. Yeah, me too. I can't have any currently. You don't love them enough. That's accurate. I'm definitely going mismatch, hodgepodge. Yeah, me too. I can't take the all blue. The couples that match everywhere? No. Yeah. Not good.

Don't have any other friends. All right, let's move on. That's a great question. All right. By the way, you can send in your questions for the Spitballers Podcast at SpitballersPod.com, on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Anywhere you find us, send us your thoughts, your questions. At this point, we're moving on to that's a great question,

and this one is simple, guys. Oh, this is anything but simple. We try to help people. That's what this show is all about. It's about everyday questions that are super important, like this one. At what point are you a cyborg?

This is deep. To be honest, it's going to happen. 100% will happen. Because we're going to be adding more artificial intelligence, nanotechnology, biotechnology to our systems, right? Like, if you could put in, you

know, blood cells, nanotechnology in your blood cells, that could repair damage, that could see cancer coming. It can clear out the cholesterol of your heart. You're 100% right. It's a little cleaner's run. At what point do you become a cyborg? Now, we think of cyborgs as more like a 50-50 is how my brain thinks about it.

Like you've got one eye that is clearly robotic, and you've got one eye that's not. And then you've got maybe a powerful robot arm, and then you've got like a human arm. Like I'm at the 50-50 mark by default without exploring. As soon as you hit over 49.9% of machine parts in your body, that's when you're a cyborg. When I think of a cyborg, I think of a robot. But the definition of cyborg is part human, part machine. Okay, well that changes things for me.

Okay, is the Terminator a cyborg? I think he is. No, he's just a full robot. He's a robot. Yeah. Wait. Now, because I'm thinking of Android. All my science fiction words are...

Okay, we need to pull this up. At what point are you no longer just a human? Is the question. I'm going to go with this. At what point, with technology integrated into your body i have the answer incredible when you stop eating food oh here you go definition of cyborg is a hypothetical person whose physical abilities are extended beyond normal human limitations. So there is... Oh, goodness, I'm already a cyborg with my Apple iWatch.

That definition sucks. It does. You take it up with Webster. Webster doesn't... Webster's not even close to being a cyborg. All right, so you think it's when you stop eating food, you are now... I think you could eat food and still be a cyborg.

Well, do you want to go with dependency? You're dependent on your mechanical parts? As opposed to it being a peripheral thing? So you're no longer eating food. I mean, you have to have an energy source. So are you saying that... I'm saying if it becomes... As soon as you're solar-powered... As soon as you're

mechanically powered... As soon as you have to stop at the gas station, fill her up. But I'm saying the mechanic has to be powered by some energy source, gas, solar, nuclear. But you're moving away from human to robot and to being more dependent on your mechanical parts when you're being oiled instead of eating a burger. Right. Or maybe is that more of the transition into robot yeah i feel like it's you know it has to it has to be neurological to me it has to be something where it's like you are yeah but what if you had a human head and everything else is mechanical

yeah you're you're going neurological walt disney that i see i feel like that is neurological in the point that they've figured out a way to have your brain. Yeah, I know that myth. With Walt Disney wanting to do that. Yeah, frozen head. Did he really want to do that? Well, that's the urban legend. Walt Disney's out there somewhere?

He's frozen somewhere waiting for his robot body. What's the harm in freezing your own head? If you can take the brain out of the body and put it into another body, you're no longer a human. Right. Unless it's a human body. Whoa! A brain transplant? Yeah.

They're trying that. Yeah, like that Ruski. He's trying the head transplant. This is insane. Who are you then? There's a lot of pictures of Walt Disney's frozen head. Sorry, kids. That's when you're a cyborg.

Is when you're reanimated? No, I guess if we're looking at cyborg as 50, I'm going to go with my original definition after all this. If your body is more than 50% mechanical, you're a cyborg. I think if you have any mechanical alteration,

you have reached cyborg status. So wait, everybody with a prosthetic right now is a cyborg? Mike? Is it mechanically powered? Almost all modern prosthetics, especially like legs and stuff like that, have some sort of like, you know. Not all of them. But, I mean, they have things that are like pressure sensitive.

You know what I mean? And, yes, congratulations. I think it's cool. You're a cyborg. It's not an insult. This is not. I would love to be a cyborg. We are one step away from you being, you you being one of those anti-mutant people.

I would just throw out the only other thing. I feel like a cyborg has to have built-in weaponry. Like, what's the point of being a cyborg if there's no thing you can shoot out of yourself? That's one of those, like, you can, so you should be. But it's one. one right you only get one baby missile but i'm not sure a lot of it's like a b you could sting once you're gonna die self-destructs i i just i'm not sure how all the people with actual prosthetics feel about the fact that they need weaponry well they want to be a cyborg yes if you want to be a cyborg look at

this cool mechanical arm i've got i'd be like wow that's awesome does it shoot missiles and they'd be like no and i'd say you're just like me human you're just like you're not a cyborg at all uh what song are you embarrassed to actually love this is our next great question what song are you embarrassed to actually love okay i got mine already i know what mine is although i know what song i'm embarrassed to actually know i feel like it's it's just a public pressure because i i don't i'm not actually embarrassed to love but i feel like i am you should be embarrassed yeah publicly saying it out loud i should be shamed but i'm not embarrassed i'll let you go first all right so mine no nobody was embarrassed to love this when it was out, when it was current

but right now, I feel like I'm gonna laugh if it's the same song. As a middle-aged man I'm gonna write it down just so we're clear I'm not cheating. You know, when it came out it was super popular and now I just feel like I'm too old to like it and it's

too, I don't know, but Lose Yourself from Eminem. Different songs. From Eminem Lose Your it's too, I don't know. But Lose Yourself from Eminem. Different songs. From Eminem, Lose Yourself is like, I don't know. It's a great song. It is a great song, and I love it. But I feel like I should be, I don't want to admit that. Like, I wouldn't go around and be like, dude, Eminem, yeah.

I don't know, it feels a little. You feel like the song has transcended and is now hokey? Well, it's like what happened with the matrix if you remember when that came out how incredible that movie was that was a cinematic masterpiece and then it was so overdone and so mocked like in whatever shrek was making fun of it then all of a sudden it became like not cool i got it too far. That's what I mean. It got played out. So that's mine.

You know, you gotta lose yourself in the music. The moment. You own it. You better never let it go. It's a great... That song pumps me up, man. It pumps everyone up.

But people don't want to say they love it. And you know what? I stand up for the people. I love that song. It's a great song. Alright. The song that I actually love because it gives me the emotional chills and feels

because the singer of the song is world-class, one of the best singers of all time. And no, I'm not embarrassed to say that either. Barbra Streisand's... No. Oh, get Barb's out of my life forever. Thank you. No, it is... Oh, I got it, Mike.

I got it right here. No's it's not that one no i love this song though trust me i love this song so very much people are ridiculous for not liking that song no it's my heart will go on by celine dion the song from titanic yeah that is good that's a good that's a good one to be embarrassed about. Yeah, you should really be embarrassed. But I am not. I carry that with honor. Is that because you just respect the majesty of Celine Dion?

Her voice is incredible, but the actual song. Man, when the key change happens. I think this is a crush situation, if you're being honest, Mike. Celine Dion? I'm pretty sure you are madly in love with Celine Dion. We know. Wait, is he deciding whether to say, yeah? No, I'm deciding with what vitriol I need to rebuke your comments.

Yeah, sure. No, totally you don't have a crush on Celine Dion, Mike. No, you would never. Andy? I don't know what's happening. All I'm thinking about is the mean comments you made about Sandra Bullock yesterday in the office here. Look, I mean, she's a fine actress.

Bah. Bleh. No. All right. Moving on. So you've got Celine Dion. She was a cool dude. Moving on.

I don't know what to go with. Oh, you don't have a song you're embarrassed by? But I would... Who let the dogs out? Well, look, it's not... I don't think it's embarrassing to like Taylor Swift. No. No.

But as a man, a little bit. But if you like the country... Yeah, like as a toxic male. If you like her original country music, is that embarrassing? If you like OG country? OG Taylor Swift country. Let me help you out, Andy. I don't know that I could sing a single song. That's what I feel like

I would be embarrassed to say. I liked her old country stuff. You liked her before she was cool? Yeah. Your hipster? Taylor Swift? No, I think it's embarrassing for any man to say they like Taylor Swift anyway. Alright, let me just throw this out there, Andy. Do you

heart... Now this is not a song, but do you heart now this is not a song but do you heart creed yes there it is that's what you should be embarrassed about is a wild world with arms wide open yeah you like that song i know you like that song sure but the truth sure i don't know why they didn't come to mind first i was super into creed when into Creed when they were everything. I remember literally sitting down on my bed, pulling out the CD. You know how the CD case had the book? Of course.

With the lyrics and being like. You got to memorize them? I was so angry when they didn't come with lyrics. And then I'd like. I remember showing my dad like, check out this band, dad. Listen to this with arms wide open song. It's so good. Fantastic.

That's definitely one. Ooh, I got one that I'm actually embarrassed that I like. Okay. This is great. Because I could still go back and still like it. Insane Clown Posse. Oh, come on. No.

Come on. Oh, is that true? That's such a rebellion band. That's like, I don't want anything to do with my parents. I'm going to listen to this. This is a true story. I had multiple albums from them. Not all, but multiples.

And I drove and wore that record out. Oh, I was thinking you drove to an insane clown posse dressed up with clown face makeup on. I didn't go full Juggalo. This is supposed to be a family-friendly show, Mike. You should not be bringing that up. Wow. We've got a great draft, and we're getting to it right now. The Spitballers Draft.

I love drafts like this because there are so many ways that you could logically try to come up with the best team. I think, Mike, you won last week's draft, right? Yeah. He's in the lead right now. And that draft was what? Movie Monsters. Movie Monsters. This week, we are doing a food fight to the death.

Oh! So let's say, I mean, it's funny. The only thing I think of when I think of food fight still to this day. Do you know what I think of? Oh, it's got to the death. Oh! So let's say, I mean, it's funny. The only thing I think of when I think of food fight still to this day. Do you know what I think of? Oh, it's got to be Hook. It's Hook. It's the best food fight scene of all time. But we're not there.

This is, look, you've got to pick. It's not fun and games. You've got to pick foods. You're in a grocery store. And then a fight breaks out. You've got four picks. You've got to grab some foods. I have one question.

Yes, of course. Do you get one of this item? Or do I get like... Or like I get a few of this. Not unlimited, but I get... Let's go with the few. Okay. Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair. You don't get an unlimited... It's not unlimited ammo. Right. All right. But we're doing a food fight to the death. So what foods are you grabbing quickly to survive? We're at a grocery store.

Yeah, let's go with that. Yeah, we're in a grocery store. We're in the food and vegetable section. We're a couple aisles down. You're not, you know. Don't confine me. Yeah, it's not just fruit and vegetables. But, you know, we're too far away from, you know, the barbecue equipment.

Yeah, yeah. And you're grabbing food. You're quickly defending yourself. I've got. Yeah. Yeah. You're grabbing food. You're quickly defending yourself. I've got the number one pick. Yes, you do. Wait, you have the number one pick? He does. I do.

Oh, man. So I've got the third? And the fourth, because we do snake draft. But you know what? I'm just going to go with what tastes good right now. And I'm going to go with a pineapple. Spaghetti. I'm going with a pineapple.

That's a good one. It's on my list. I love Michael Keaton. I just don't think you want a pineapple thrown at you. No, you don't. It's not going to be good. You do not want a pineapple. It's heavy.

It's hard. It's spiky. There's no good way to catch it. Have you ever thrown a pineapple to somebody to have them catch it? The answer is no, because you don't want to kill your friends. Here's my problem with your pick, and it might have been on my list, but I must besmirch it now that it is yours. Okay.

You want to throw that pineapple at me. I say I can dodge the pineapple easier than you can pick it up and grip it to throw it. Have fun. Did you get dragon skin gloves to take care of this pineapple that you're trying to kill someone with? Because your hand just fell off if you're trying to bash someone with a spiky pineapple.

Okay. Consider that your counterpoint to my pineapple. But obviously, I can grip pineapple very well and then throw it at a high rate of speed. All right. Mike, you've got a pick? I think that there are a lot of logical and good foods that I can go projectile. I just don't want you taking.

I can go projectile. So I want to lock in a good melee weapon while I have the chance. I see what you're saying. I'm stopping by. Do you need range? You need melee. Don't take what I need. I'm taking an animal that people eat that has a literal weapon in its name.

I'm taking the swordfish. Oh, okay. That's good. So I have an animal with a piercing weapon upon it. Are people eating the sword? No. I don't think that you usually buy. You have a fillet of swordfish. No, no. Are people eating the sword? I don't think that you usually buy.

You have a fillet of swordfish. No, no. You've got a fillet of swordfish. Yes, he has a fillet. Oh, slap it on me. Oh, that's cold. Get it off. Fish shows up whole. Fish does not show up whole to the local supermarket.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you that. Have you ever seen the videos of Seattle? Are they throwing Fillets at people They're not throwing Swordfish No But this is a delicacy

Swordfish Alright we'll let the people Decide whether or not You get the That seems like a really The outside Of this A really tough one

Swordfish It's not tough at all I got the swordfish All I know is my human I've never seen a swordfish In any supermarket ever All I know is when I Drafted my human

Maybe at a fish market You made him be naked, and I accepted my naked human. I think you're slapping people with a soft fillet. All right. I'm up. Yeah. And I am so happy you didn't take my 101.

If I had the first pick, there's no doubt what this is because I have a memory with my father of us trying i mean with tools with chisels with hammers with a drill to dent let alone open a coconut and it was darn near impossible if i was outside and i could grab a river rock and smash, I mean, that's a weapon that can kill. And I think I could crack open a river rock easier than a non-pre-opened coconut. I see these movies where people get that coconut and they're just, oh, let me tap it on my knee. Oh, look. Look at this delicious inside.

I say hogwash. That thing is indestructible, and I will hold that. I can throw it at you if you're on the move because, of course, you're running away. I got a coconut in my hand. A coconut's going to be easier to throw than a pineapple. Yes, and it's going to be harder to hit. If I get hit in the head with a pineapple or I get hit in the head with a coconut, give me the pineapple.

And if I'm close quarters and I want a melee smash, that's it. I'm taking that. Okay, you're taking a coconut. You get another pick. For my second pick, I credit you, Mike. You said, does it have to be one or can it be multiples? Multiples. And sometimes you just can't get quite as close as I need to get for the Hulk smash of the coconut.

I just need a little bit of distance. something that I could swing around at you. And I'm starting with a sack of potatoes. I'm taking my potato sack. I mean, think about you put the soap in the sock. That's very good. Give me potatoes in a sack, and I will smash. Dang it. Yeah.

Those are good picks. Yeah, watch out, fellas. Your fillet of swordfish is going to smash. A sack of potatoes is causing me to request. Now, he's got a filet of fish, so obviously salmonella. I did not draft a filet. I drafted a swordfish. In fairness, very delicious.

He drafted a swordfish. I'm drafting a shark with the teeth. With the teeth on. All right. Or I will say this mike you can completely have the swordfish as soon as you eat the the the point on the swordfish as soon as you cook up and eat the sword of a swordfish now in fairness i'm not eating my sack but i do buy for sure i buy are you eat potatoes in a sack You can buy that sack in the grocery store. So do you eat the exterior of the pineapple?

Oh, that's solid. No, it's not solid, Jason. How is that not solid? It's a standard fruit. The difference is I am buying a pineapple with its case. I don't believe you. I've never bought a swordfish with the sword on it. I don't believe that any food place sells a swordfish with the sword on it.

This can be. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's turning it around. That's a fish market. Yeah. How could a grocery store not have a fish market inside of it? Mike is showing right now a picture of a fish market that has a swordfish with the sword intact.

All I say is you should have been a bigger man. I had a naked human. You're up, Mike. bigger man. I had a naked human. You're up! Alright, I am taking another melee weapon although, man, it's going to be tough to get in against the defense of the sack

of potatoes, but I think I can dodge your swing once and then I'm going to hit you with hot sauce. Oh, no, like mace. Yes. You're going to Cholula my eyeballs. I'm taking the original pepper spray of actual hot sauce,

preferably in a squeeze bottle. So maybe I'm going with Sriracha. That's good. You can do the whole, like, hold it in your hand and smash it with your. I'll define it as Sriracha just so people understand that this is a squeeze bottle, and I'm not doing the little herky-jerk dribbles of hot sauce. This is serious business. I'm taking your eyes out.

Okay. You will not be able to see with my squeeze bottle of sriracha. Andy, you are back up. He's got the classic warfare swordfish hot sauce combo. Swordfish hot sauce combo. I'm in the trenches. You are in the trenches. Wow. I mean, the trenches. You are in the trenches. Wow.

I mean, sack of potatoes was solid. You have two picks coming up here, Andy. I know I have two picks, and this is difficult. He doesn't even want one pick. Well, I'm sorry. You opened up. Yeah, I know. I don't.

Can I grab a jar of pickles? Sure. Can I throw the jar at you? Yes, absolutely. So glass is involved in my equation here? I guess so. I pickles? Sure. Can I throw the jar at you? Yes, absolutely. So glass is involved in my equation here? I guess so. I'll say this. Absolutely.

But when that glass jar breaks as I dodge it, I have every right to grab that glass just like you do. Oh, off the floor? Oh, absolutely. This thing's getting dirty. This thing's getting dirty. This thing's getting scary. That glass is not just yours should it break. Oh, my gosh.

Okay. So is that your pick? Is that one of them? I had considered just going canned food. Oh, that's. This is getting messy, man. I'm trying to think of what the actual weapon value of the individual item is. So, no, I will not make that my pick.

I will go with number two. I will go with a watermelon. Yeah, that not make that my pick. I will go with number two. I will go with a watermelon. Yeah, that was on my next one. I will go with a watermelon. Now, you know, it's just big. It's large. It can be used as defense. Nobody's been thinking about defense. True. Do you remember?

Do you remember? Do you remember the video that was going around? I don't know if it was from Survivor. No, it was The Amazing Race. The Amazing Race. And they had to shoot slingshot watermelons. And they were pulling these giant slingshots back, and they were shooting them, I don't know, 50 yards away. And the slingshot rebounded back and smashed the watermelon right on that person's head. You haven't seen this, Andy? I have. and smashed the watermelon right on that person's head.

You haven't seen this, Andy? I have. And they survived. Yeah, somehow. Just fine. All right. That soft watermelon is going to be just fine on my hard noggin. I see what you're saying. It's getting really heavy right now.

There's a lot of dangerous food flying around. Look, I'm going to bring a little levity to the situation. Didn't you already take two things? No. No, he did not take the jar of pickles. No, I didn't take the jar of pickles. All right. Because I'm trying to stick with the food itself.

And look, I want to have a little fun too. I'm grabbing a pie. I'm going to pie you right in the face. Oh, that's good for a food fight. You're going to be embarrassed the rest of the fight. And you're going to have to dig out the lemon meringue from your eyeballs. So it's a lemon meringue pie. I mean, we've got to be specific here.

I don't want a cherry pie and people thinking I'm bleeding because I'm winning this fight. I'm finishing last. Yeah, I'm going lemon meringue pie. That's my answer. Lemon meringue meringue pie that's my answer meringue pie that's my answer could have gone jar of pickles no no i would never do that all right so what is your team right now andy it's a pineapple watermelon and a lemon meringue pie all right pineapple watermelon lemon i've got two picks my final that i want. I can't wait. Mike, you are. I got to get some girth.

On the clock. I think the only way to counter a watermelon would be with the pumpkin. So I will take a giant pumpkin as well. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Yeah. I feel like we've mitigated. We're just taking the same exact things.

A pumpkin and a watermelon. Which one would you rather be hit by? I think I would rather be hit by a watermelon i think a watermelon the rind of a pumpkin is harder is harder i believe so too all right are there any foods that have like um you know like muriatic acid inside of them well here i know look you guys are thinking too much in the box here i i know i know mine go ahead and, you know, most grocery stores, they've got little stands. You can buy it fresh. And I am getting me some scalding hot coffee for a fight. And, I mean, enjoy a face full of hot coffee before you get smashed with a bag of potatoes.

That's mine. My food fight to the death is going to have hot coffee. Jason's running out with a Starbucks in one hand and a sack of potatoes in his other hand. Starbucks to the face. Sack of potatoes to the body. Finish with the coconut. And now, guess what's going to walk all over your body. Wait, what was Mike's third pick?

Pumpkin. Pumpkin, that's right. Mike, you gave me the inspiration with your swordfish, even though, look, nobody actually has a swordfish. I know you showed one picture, but you've never seen a swordfish in a grocery store you've been in in your life. You want to know what I have seen

in every nice grocery store I've ever been in? Not just dead. Live lobsters. Oh, I got the pinchers out. You've ever been in. Not just dead. Live lobsters. Oh, I got the pinchers out. You've got a team. I got the pinchers out. He's coming for you. Look, he might not even get to you, but I promise you're scared.

I promise you are scared and distracted. Coconut in the face. You didn't even see it coming. Here's what I'll say to that and i'll ask andy this question chances that spider boy over here has the courage at all to remove the rubber bands from the pinchers of the lobsters i would reach his arm into the i would ask the butcher please remove those no you don't get a butcher to do that you have to do the dirty work so you're throwing a neutered lobster at us. That's fine. You'll still be as scared as

I am. You'll be terrifying because they're giant insects. Yes, they are monstrosities. So I have a lobster, scalding hot coffee, a coconut, and a sack of potatoes. Oh my gosh.

The pickings are slim. You both know you're gone. Mike has a swordfish. He has hot sauce. He has a pumpkin. Hashtag not

worried. With all the garbage I got for the swordfish, I have a pick I want to take, but clearly I can't because you will find some... A machine gun. It's actually a flamethrower, which I pick up at my local grocery store all the time. No, I'm going to go...

I threw it out there and no one took it, so I'm going to go with canned vegetables. I'm going to take the canned vegetables. I'm going to take the canned vegetables. Easy to throw. Very accurate. Canned vegetables, that hurts a lot. That would really hurt. It would hurt tremendously.

Well, fine. I'm going jar of pickles. Get off my back. All right. I'm closing with jars of pickles. So what is our final roster here? I really screwed it up with this lemon meringue. You have the funniest one.

The pineapple, the watermelon, the lemon meringue pie, because some levity to our death. It's still a food fight. And jars of pickles. Okay. I have the swordfish, the sriracha, pumpkin, and canned vegetables. I have a coconut, a sack of potatoes, hot coffee,

and a lobster. Just one. Yeah. I only need one. Here's what I... I like this idea that we're in this fight and then, you know, a food fight referee comes out

and he starts giving us some rules. Like, look, Mike, you got to open those cans of veggies and take the vegetables out and then starts giving us some rules like, look, Mike you gotta open those cans of veggies and take the vegetables out and throw the old messy vegetables.

Then you have to throw your pickles. I know. I know. I'm still winning. No, because you have to throw your potatoes. Oh, I'll just ignore the potatoes. I'll grab my coconut, throw my lobster on you. The one I wanted to take before I knew you would try and use all of your Jedi mind tricks, I wanted to grab the fruit, as in prickly pear fruit.

Because those things are just covered in needles. Yeah, but then you would be grabbing a bunch of needles. And I need the dragon skill gloves just to be able to throw them. Look, we're all dead. We're all dead at the end of this fight. That's for sure. But at least I have pie on my face, which is delicious. Thank you, Andy.

You are welcome. What did you guys learn on today's show? I learned two things. One, I learned that Mike has a deep, deep love and crush on Celine Dion, and that square ice cream cones are the future. It's about the square ice cream to go on inside the square ice cream cone. Yes, because you're going to have to knife it out. I mean, it just makes sense.

Yeah, I learned that Jason doesn't walk places, so he'd prefer annoyances while driving. Yeah. I've learned that both my co-host so he'd prefer annoyances while driving. Yeah. I've learned that both my co-hosts believe that blue on blue means you are a blueberry from a movie. Yes. You look like an idiot. Spitballerspod.com send us your questions. Thanks for hanging out with us.

There's at least 10 people realizing they're wearing all blue right now and they're very tilting. You're welcome. Yes, the cyborgs. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to spitballerspod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.