Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 281: The Metal Master & Things That Are White - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

On this episode, Jason loses it, conversation killers, immortal families and more, plus we explore the mutant benefits of the gluteus maximus variety. We bring it all home with a Things That Are White draft you don’t want to miss. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's Indeed.com slash Ballers. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? You need Indeed. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Ta-ba-do-ta-ti-ti-ba-ba-do-ba-do-boo. Ooh. Ooh, I liked it. Yeah, that's not bad. It had a different pace. It said, you know what? On today's episode, we're going a little faster. I thought it was a drum kit. It was like a hi-hat.

It's up to interpretation. That's what all good art is. And this is some of the last remaining art. They can't replace this show with artificial intelligence is what i'm saying at least at least not for a year yeah right now and when computers can't comprehend this level of humor when you say they you're really talking about us right we're gonna be the ones replacing ourselves yeah with ai we're gonna be oh, we'll figure this out. Yes.

I think if you submitted AI 281 episodes, because this is the 281st episode of the Spitballers podcast, you gave them 281 shows. They should be able to make a show. Yeah. No question. And when they're this good, that show should crush. How do you even know that this isn't an AI show? Show?

I think AI would reject the amount of poop jokes. Like AI would have a decency filter that's different? No one actually thinks it's that funny. I know they say this show is family friendly, but this is an immoral show that is bringing society down. If AI could do the show, we could just play pickleball all day long. Have you thought about that?

I'm in. No. Okay, I'm in. I ran all the outcomes. I know Al Borland's in. I ran them all. Which, by the way, Al Borland, since we are pickleball fiends, Al Borland back there in Deucer's Alley, who is the fiendiest. He is the fiendiest.

He's the most aggressively. I can't even believe he's here right now because that means he's not playing pickleball. Which he is here right now, but you probably have a game right after. I'll be out as soon as we're done with this recording. We have done a ton of pickleball playing out here, and I want to give a shout-out to some friends of ours in the pickleball world because Al Borland himself makes an appearance in a pickleball documentary. Wow.

You must like playing? No. Oh. It's a good documentary, Mike. But you're watching people be good at the sport? We have a league out here in Arizona, and they did good documentary, Mike. But you're watching people be good at the sport? We have a league out here in Arizona, and they did a documentary. And you can check it out at BreakingPickleball.com and try to find out. I just want to be clear, though.

He's not playing. Okay. But are you watching? He's watching and eating, I think. On brain. I don't know if he's eating. I'm not eating. I'm holding my child.

But you were eating, right? Oh not eating. I'm holding my child. How's, but you were eating, right? Oh yeah. I had dinner that night. Just like every other night. Okay. All right. Breaking pickleball.com.

If you want to check that out, we have, would you rather, that's a great question. And we are drafting and we've done some of these drafts before. I didn't know there were so many things that I liked that were this color. We are drafting things that are white it's pretty easy

because there are quite a few staples if you will I wouldn't draft staples no they're not that's another good draft things that are metal that's a funny one

alright so we are drafting things that are white on today's show. The Terminator is metal. Yeah, that would be a good pick. Thank you. Great job, Jay. That'll be good for another draft. Know any other things that are metal? Oh, my God.

So many. Really? I know so many things that are metal. That's awesome. You wouldn't even believe it. You'd be like, how does he know all of those metal things? It's like a basketball pole you know straight metal straight metal all right we better get going

would you rather you why why is jason is not breathing jason just almost spit-taked from making himself laugh at his own stupid joke. At his own metal joke. He is joking. I just got it down. I really almost spit because that's equally, I think, one of my favorite jokes of all time, but only because it was literally the stupidest thing i've said so many stupid things in my life on this show on the footballers just the worst just the worst jokes of all time and i think that was the dumbest one i've ever made declaring how much you know about metal

yes and i'm so proud of myself mom I did it. He was laughing so hard that I was 100% sure it was an inside joke about something that you two were laughing at. That's an outside joke. Y'all got to participate along. On an outside joke. All right. This question for Would You Rather comes in from Andy. Oh, I like that name. From Twitter.

Would you rather understand and be a leading expert in artificial intelligence as we just talked about, or in space flight and exploration? Interesting. Here's what I'll say. Space flight and exploration,

cool, you're an expert in it. But we're not doing any of that Star Trek stuff. Right. Like we haven't put a person onto the lunar surface in like what? Seven. We're like 40 years. Well, we're working on. Yeah, we are. So let me ask you this. If you're a leading expert in spaceflight and exploration, there is, you know, like, like SpaceX, they're trying to get people to Mars, right? Let's say in our lifetime, we land a person on another planet. We land a human being on Mars. That is the, you know, that that's the, the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. That's a global event, a marker of human history. Now, there's not much outside of that. When I read this question, I was like, oh, there's so much AI. There's so much use case for this, so little for spaceflight exploration. But would that one moment make it worth it? Where it's like I was –

That would do it for you. Yes, that would make it worth it. However, I think – why aren't we just sending a bunch of AI to Mars? Like a bunch of, you know, the Boston Dynamics robots and then, you know, Tesla's making robots. Like, why not send? We did. The rover was there. Yeah, but I'm not talking no rover.

I want like- Feet, not wheels. Come on. No, one to one. Every person has its AI avatar that lives on mars so you put the headset on here then you can go walking around mars in your robot and everyone's safe i think the communication timeline yeah i'm doing something we can fix that right i don't think so there's a pretty wide there's laws that cannot be broken. The speed of light thing?

Yeah, there's a maximum speed for everything. Didn't we get live pictures from the moon? They're live, but they're delayed. By how much? Well, the moon is much closer than Mars. You're telling me when I'm controlling my robot on Mars, I move its arm up, it's going to take like 45 minutes or something? No, not that long. About a couple minutes.

Really? That's not that bad. Will you communicate that quickly? that bad communicate that quickly i believe genuinely i i that's my belief but i well if you believe like i believe that's what i had heard but i could be way off the thing for space flight and exploration is no one no no one will be mad or picketing against your accomplishments. As we move forward with AI, as the general public becomes more and more aware of what AI has the ability to do, what it is rapidly moving forward in the ability to do, there will be a backlash. There's a backlash coming of people being really really angry similar to the backlash of the Haley Joel Osment AI movie

the second half of it the first half was fine so even if you do a movie about AI there's backlash but I mean your condition of like I get to get to Mars the truth is I said no to that one because I don't think anything that's going to happen while I'm alive. You don't think we get to Mars?

I think Mars happens. No, not while we're alive. Yeah. How long do you think you'll live? Just. Give me 80. Okay. So 40 more years.

There's no way. There's just no way. I don't think we're going to do it. It's been 50 years since we've been to the moon. Yeah, but that'll make it 90 years between moon and Mars. I want to believe, all right, like Ian Mulder would say. I want to believe. I think we get-

It's Fox Mulder. I think we get someone out. It comes down to money. I think we stopped going to the moon just because the space race was done. Public interest in going to the moon had waned, so the NASA budget got cut. You guys can believe it. I don't care. But the man who said we're going to go to Mars can't deliver a Cybertruck on time.

That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. It's not happening quickly. But 40 more years, I think we'll get there. I'm going to make my prediction right now you chose that one to be the expert in space and it happened oh i'm not saying on your 79th birthday yeah would it still be satisfying as you expire you know what i mean no so you you can't i don't want a legacy post-mortem that i don't get to enjoy so your 40-year window is not 40-year

window that's my point. Yeah, that's a good point. How soon does it have to happen before you are happy? Okay. Alternatively, if you're a leading expert in AI. You can control AI. I actually believe that you will be the problem. You know, robots will take over and you will be the bad guy.

That's what I'm saying. will take over and you will be the bad guy. That's what I'm saying. I'd rather be the bad guy that knows how to control my army of AI robots. That's the one I'm going with. That's bringing up a very good point of, well, I mean, I don't know if you can control the AI. I will have the kill switch. You have the best chance of controlling it. All right, final answers.

But also, if you're the leading expert in AI, what are the chances that the Terminator comes back for you? He's 50-50. No, the Terminator's not coming back for you. Humans are coming back for you. We've seen this. Miles Dyson. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm thinking about it backwards.

Yeah, Miles Dyson. You don't want to be Miles Dyson. Yeah, no, you don't. And you do the hee, hee, hee. That's a good way to die. That's a good way to die that's a good way to dive in i i remember watching him die he has it is lost there are dozens of people watching that are like i know exactly what they're talking about all right so exaggerated i loved it i i loved it in the moment i was like that, that's a bold choice. I love it.

You know, I wanted to be an actor when that movie came out and I was like. Were you moved? Oh, I was like, I was like, okay, go get it. Go get it. That's right. You space or AI? I'm AI. AI.

Well, let's move on to this, Jim. Annabelle from Patreon writes in. What's wrong with Annabelle? Would you rather have one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it? Now you know. It's a belly button. Would you rather have one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it or three butt cheeks with two normal cracks and two shoots? Oh. She says shoots this

this is how we know this is the public knows this is not an ai built show they would never so one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it i mean genuinely that's like uh belly like if you've got a fat belly the visual is pooping out of your belly button. Right? That's, yeah. I don't, I think we have, I think we have a beta tester right here. Yeah, I can tell you what it looks like. But then the double butt cheeks, or the triple butt cheeks double shoots, as she puts it. Either way, you have a problem with pants, right? Because of where normal pants where the seam is. you're gonna need some customs here i think the issue

is is a crack necessary but is a crack necessary for cleanliness or alternatively does a crack get in the way of cleanliness uh i think it i think it's better for cleanliness i think it's worse i think it was better for cleanliness back in the day when we didn't have ways to clean and wash. I feel like if it's just a hole that's on the outside. That's a problem. I feel like you almost need a cap that you got to screw in. You have a big problem because you're not sitting on your cheek. No, you're sitting on your hole.

You're saying you're physically going to hurt. Yeah. I'm worried about bacteria. I'm worried about hemorrhoids. I think you could. Okay, that's fair. That's a fair worry. Those aren't good.

No. How big's the hole? Let's say normal. Normal sphincter size. It doesn't change. I'm just thinking if it was bigger, it'd be no more constipation and stuff. I don't think the constipation is the- Based upon the size.

If you have two shoots, could one be constipated and the other one not? That's a great question. Do you have two digestive tracts? Or one tract? I think you got one tract that it whys off at the end. So wait, that means they simul- They simul-poop. Yeah wait, that means they simul poop. Yeah.

Yeah. They're always in sync. You will have a toilet problem. Although, could you, if you've got, you know, I've got control of my bowels. If you could control it. Everybody, give him a round of applause. I'm just saying like. He can control.

You know, you go left, right, left, right. Like think about a cow getting milked. No, don't. Don't think about that. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Left, right, left, right. Think about a cow getting milked. No, don't. Don't think about that. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Left, right, left, right. Same toilet though, right? Yeah, same toilet.

But not that wide. I'm talking the logistics of it. If it's the same toilet, it can't be. You need three areas to sit. Just sit sideways, my man, in a long toilet. No, no, no. You still need the middle to be supported. You got to think about this fourth dimensionally.

Wait, you're saying that you- You need the middle of the cheeks to be supported. You think if there was another, essentially another butt between my current butt cheeks- Double butt. Yeah. It would feel awkward sitting there. You can't hang the middle of your- You can't hang one side of your, like, you can't hang one side of your current situation

into the toilet, can you? You need both sides of your butt cheeks to be supported. This would be, I think the more I think about it, it's going to be too hard to spread. I think that this is going to be a real problem. You don't have three legs, right? No, no, you don't have three legs.

I'm going to go with the one butt cheek, one hole. I'm going single butt cheek and I think. I'm going to go with the one butt cheek, one hole. I'm going single butt cheek, and I think- I'm going double butt. You figured out the math on how to make it work? Yeah, I think it works. He's doing a diagram over here. You need a center pedestal. I want to be fair to Annabelle and her question.

Annabelle, get checked out. All right, Zach from the website would you always rather talk with a one second lip sync delay or always be the person who says the last thing before before a conversation dies oh man that is not a great feeling it isn isn't. It's not common. But when you say something and then no one has a response, not like even a joke, you're just saying something and then it's like, well, you just killed the vibe. But sometimes you don't kill the vibe. There's just, there's always-

There's an end to things? Yeah, there is always a natural lull in the conversation. It always happens. I've heard that every, I heard seven minutes. Yeah, there is always a natural lull in the conversation. It always happens. I've heard that every, I heard seven minutes. Yeah, that's just. I was told seven minutes on a conversation, that's when it dies. I don't think there's a hard and universal rule to where. It's not universal, it's an average.

Okay, an average makes more sense. Yeah. I thought you were saying like every seven minutes. Nobody with a timer jumps out and goes, and stop. I thought you were saying like every seven minutes. Nobody with a timer jumps out and goes, and stop. Now, could you loophole this rule by just being the person who has to get the last word in? You know what I mean? Like you're leaving the room.

Yeah, kind of. You have to repeat the last good point somebody made as your own point at the end. Oh, and then? And then end it. Do you do it sarcastically? No. Then it makes them feel bad. You know what I mean?

They say like, oh, you know, I don't like Buicks. Oh, I don't like Buicks. And then it's over. And then it's all silent. Silence can be painful in a large group. Yes. You know, the lip sync delay. How many people have to look at me while I'm talking?

I know there are lip readers out there. That'll be a problem. I would say most people that you talk to are looking at you while you speak. I have a real question here. Okay. Have you ever been in a one-on-one conversation, and it's kind of a longer conversation, somebody maybe you don't know. Have you ever gotten inside your own head on, like,

what part of their face you're supposed to be looking at? Because people say you're supposed to make eye contact, but then I think the natural thing you end up doing is watching the mouth. But then you're sitting there thinking about what you should be watching to be respectful, and then you don't know what to watch. I have not. I can see where you're coming from but i have no i've not experienced that what do you look at i haven't either you just what you just look at them in the face i don't think there's like i'm not i'm not like staring at your

pupil or i just i don't think i look i don't i think i take you all this is my point is you trying to figure this out in your head right now yeah is the thing that you don't want to do when you're trying to actively do it. The only time that it's like an active thing in your head is like if the person's got like a real big mole or something and you're like trying to be like, just act cool. Just look them in the face. And then you end up just death staring their eyeballs like look look I'm fine that's what I'm saying I'm fine I'm looking right at you eyeballs is what you should be doing right yeah

yeah it's the eye contact but then the mouth a lot of people read lips to kind of understand people better yeah my wife is hard of hearing she can't hear under like the lower register and so um when can you guys like talk to each other with really low frequency in the house and she can't hear it yeah that's

what we do don't tell mom about the ice cream don't tell your mother about this and she's right next to me she has no idea that you guys are having a conversation. No, she doesn't know. She thinks we're whistling in a low tone because I always do this. The kids come in. Hey, Dad, can I have more dessert? The problem is my youngest, his voice hasn't changed, so he always crushes. He's the rat. Yeah, he's the rat. But no, seriously, when COVID hit, she didn't realize that she read lips.

Oh, because the masks. Until the masks came around. And then it was like she realized she couldn't hear anyone because she could hear muffled noises, which when she reads lips, she puts that together. And it's like, oh, totally normal. Like, no problem. But as soon as someone's got a mask, if they've got an accent and a mask, she's out. She's like, I'm done.

You tell me what they said. I can't make it out. Have you seen the, there's an AI technology where you wear a pair of glasses and it like subtitles people talking. What? In real time. That's cool. A kid from MIT made it.

And so you could be wearing them if you're deaf, have a conversation, and then like somebody's talking to you and it says in the glasses, in your eye frame, subtitles of what they're saying. Dude, that's just, and now you put Google Translate in there and you can go anywhere in the world. That i was thinking of yeah yeah you could just that's wild because i've used google translate like when i was in clubby you use it all the time you can communicate with anybody you could was that the way i was just trying no i was just trying to do the final words sarcastically to test it out right in the middle yeah that wasn't good but

uh okay um i don't even remember what i was saying you were talking about google translate uh when you went out of state just like it's so close to being out of state i went over to california i had no idea what those people were saying. It was like, bro, what do you mean bro? Oh, you mean mister. You got it. But it would be amazing if that's in your field of vision. That being said, when you're talking about this, I think you have to take the one second lip sync delay. Because when you say the last thing before a conversation dies, you always you're party pooper so you're saying that you're with a one second lip sync delay your mouth moves and then the sound comes out so it's

like hey right exactly for those of you listening what if people call you out on it do you just tell them it's because i'm so far away no no no i'm going mask i'm wearing i'm wearing my that's a cheat yeah it is I like cheating these. I like looking for loopholes. If I had a one-second delay, I would wear a mask, and then you would have no idea. Okay. All right. We're going to move on, Jason.

All right. Right now. Oh, we're going to move on right now? All right. Quick break. Back with another segment. Hey, Sp Spitwads. I like stress-free eating.

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next box while your subscription is active that's a great question are you thinking of other metal things that you know about he doesn't have to think yeah i just knows i just have it in in my mind i can see him so clearly just it's unbelievable like monkey monkey bars if you're out on the playground okay then those are made of those are made of metal some door frames some door frames yeah are made of metal some are yeah yeah i mean there are wooden versions of the metal door but that's not your expertise uh no don't blow all your picks for the big draft coming uh that's a great question can't wait for the things that are metal draft man i'm gonna crush you guys. You know a lot. I'll be honest.

Put that on the docket, Al. Carl from Twitter has a great question. You won't believe. We're going 50 rounds. My knowledge of metal things is going to blow your mind. This is really tickling him. He knows so much about what things are made of. Specifically metal. It's crazy. Yeah crazy it's great it's seriously it is crazy blow your mind how does he how does

he know about metal so much he has literal tears running down his face he knows a lot man oh he spent most of his life learning about metal things okay well let's we're moving on carl's got a great question without using the word water describe the taste of water oh what refreshing What? Refreshing? Yeah. Well, that's fine. Okay. Clean. Crisp. That was in my mind.

Wet. Oh, nice. It's going to blow your mind how much I know about water. Clear. Clear. That's the taste? It tastes clear. Man man this tastes so clear i forgot you said the taste i thought we were just describing it no had the taste of water uh

neutral i like that he says i forgot i like i forgot that you said the taste you read the questions andy only you said that. Neutral. I like that. Okay. Could you say bland? Flavorless? Yeah, but it depends on what type of water. Your eyes are teared up. Dude, it's because of how much metal I know about, man.

I'm emotionally moved thinking about all is happening i don't know man i know he knows so much i enjoy it oh i i'm so sorry uh spit wads we'll be back next week with uh anything else for the taste of water look like I was saying, it depends on the water. Sometimes metallic. Yeah, if you're talking about like a spring water. It's spring water. Minerals. Then you're like, it tastes dirty. I think we've described it pretty well.

The best that we could. Josh from Patreon. We've got to give 30 minutes on the taste of water josh from patreon wants to know is there ever a situation where it is appropriate to speak now or forever hold your peace at a wedding in front of the entire audience can we just eliminate this awkward prompt this is a great question uh is there ever a situation where it is appropriate yeah yeah unfortunately it's awareness of an impropriety correct that's what you were thinking yeah i mean if if that that

would be the time i mean i will say i mean you should deal with that before yeah you should that's why i'm saying like okay is there really a time because if you're going to stand up and be like this marriage is a sham because he is an adulterer. And it's like, why did you let them pay for this gigantic wedding? Well, it's a punishment. Well, what if it was right before? Right before the wedding started? No, no, no.

Yeah, like you're- You just found out. You're over with your groomsman, right? You're a groomsman and you're in the back halls. And then all of a sudden you see the bride making out with another groomsman and you're in the back halls and then all of a sudden you see the bride making out with another groomsman and you're like oh my gosh what is happening and you're like

does anybody know anything here does anybody see the bride kiss the groomsman or forever hold your peace but you're going to wait for the question you'll be like I can't wait until someone asks me I've been waiting for this moment? You'd be like, I can't wait until someone asks me. I've been waiting for this moment. Look, I'm not a snitch. I'm not trying to get snitches.

But if someone asks. But if someone asks, I'm going to answer the question. The question is basically, does anybody out there have or know any reason why these two should not be wed? Isn't that the way they put it? Something to that extent? Yeah. Something like that. Have any reason why they

shouldn't so i've done this what it i've wait i've oh i've experienced wait i i've done this you were the one who stood up i experienced the need for that i do know what he's talking about and i have done what you said you should do which prior to that moment having to take the groom aside okay and say but this is like this is like right before the wedding and it's like was it at the wedding it was at the rehearsal for the wedding so this is like you did it before and it was and it was not well received. It was not. It wasn't? Well, dude, this was crazy because I struggled with it.

I basically heard. If only someone had asked you. I heard the bride-to-be say she does not love the groomsman or the groom groom the groom yeah and i was like the man groom and i struggled like what do i what do you do with that piece of information they're about to get married yeah and it was one of the hardest things ever to actually go and be like um so dude uh right i heard. I got to tell you something. And I don't know how to say this. And you say it, and then it's like.

So, you think about that. And it was basically like a, okay. And then that wedding happened tomorrow. How did it work out? Well, they are no longer married. But your point is well received. This is a prior to the wedding moment. However, however, if it's public, everyone knows.

Maybe the choice is- The choice is easier for the person, maybe. Yeah, maybe it's like, oh, now everybody knows. If you ruin their wedding and make them miserable. I don't think that's going to work. I am actually, I am curious, just knowing Mike, the fantasy hitman, right? Yes. I am curious about your entire, sometimes I feel like you're anti-traditional.

Yeah. Very often. Because you attach a strong need for logic. Yes. With the things that people do or go through and if there's not a strong logical reason why they transpire maybe you don't believe they should simply because they have simply because they have so do you apply that same attitude towards all? Because weddings are full of a lot more than that tradition. That's just one thing that you're saying, could you get rid of?

And honestly, I've been to a bunch of weddings. I think that was said one time. And the other ones, they don't have it. So that's something falling away. But weddings are literally a tradition on tradition on tradition. Everything you do, the rings. The first dance. the first dance the the the vows the the you know the groomsmen and the bridesmaids putting cake in each other's face

like there is tradition with all of that and i'm just wondering if you value marriage at all do you like a marriage ceremony yeah do you do you like a good wedding? Do you like the traditional ceremony? I do. I like it because it's not, I don't view the wedding as we're only doing this because everybody else has done it. It's you, now there is an aspect of I want to experience that because I've seen other people do it. But it's all, I mean, it's your forum, your public forum, to say, this is now my partner forever. And I'm telling all of you, so you stay away from me

because I'm a married man. So that doesn't bother me. Public proclamation. Now, if you want to talk about the extravagance and new couples, like parents, if you're still going with that route of the parents funding the wedding and they're spending tens of thousands of dollars for a party when that couple could use that money to start their life, now we have a different discussion. And then I'm firmly on the side of just do something smaller. If that cash is going to be a true difference to your lives, don't waste it on a party. I heard a commercial in the car the other day for lab-grown diamonds

because there are lab-grown diamonds. I'm all for that. And it's like half the cost of the non-lab-grown, right? And I'm thinking to myself, like I've already thought, like sometimes you see these interviews with people and they're like, yeah, the ring needs to be this amount of the salary or it's got to be this many thousand. Yeah, I wonder who started that.

Yeah, the ring companies. But I just laugh because it's like once you have it, it's a diamond. Or it's not a diamond. Even if it's a cubic zirconium. Is it shiny? Are you staring at it every day? Is it shiny in the light? I've never really, I'll be honest, I've never really understood jewelry at all.

And. Expensive. Yeah. I mean, I'm wearing a. Nobody knows. Boop, boop. I'm wearing a silicone. I'm wearing a little tiny silicone ring that cost me probably $2.

I've got like six more of these in a drawer when this one breaks. And the thing is, is nobody knows. Like if you, if you got someone a very large cubic zirconium ring. How's anybody going to know? Nobody's judging it. Diamond experts will know. Right. If a diamond expert were to walk by and say, excuse me, may I look at your hand under this

microscope? And you say, yes, of course. And then he looks for a while, he would know. Your friend who you talked to at least should have done that. That would have got him out of at least the financial. So let me ask you this. This is a genuine question. Yeah.

Okay. About morality. Okay. Oh, boy. What is good versus what is right? What if they aren't always the same thing? I'll give you the example. Very excited. versus what is right what if they aren't always the same thing i'll give you the example very excited if you took the ten thousand dollars right instead of buying a cube instead of buying a diamond ring for the wedding you bought a one thousand dollar cubic zirconia i don't know how

much yeah no they cost money still okay so a thousand dollar cubic zirconium. I don't know how much that costs. Yeah, no, they cost some money still. Okay, so $1,000 cubic zirconium ring. It looks identical. You can't tell the difference. Yeah, like an even cheaper one. Sure, sure. I'm just saying, for example, and you take that $9,000 and you invest it towards the marriage,

towards your future, whatever. Right. But she doesn't know. And a ring is important to her. And you don't tell her that you got her a cubic zirconia. Is that better? Because functionally, practically, logically, in reality, it is better.

Nah, man. Yeah. Nah. Nah? You can't have a lie at the center of that. That's fair. Okay. I tried to test you.

You guys came out with flying colors. I would hope that you could have the conversation, and then two people see the same logic, and they want to do that together. But what if you never make any indication of how much the ring cost? Never say that it's not cubic zirconium. Yeah, if you don't lie. That's what I'm saying. Then sure.

You just present it. But then afterwards, if the question is the question is made yeah if she goes is this a real diamond okay but then then what's real anyways you see this ai well let me see honey i can touch it i can feel it i believe that is real what's the thing about ducks oh boy okay that was good that was good i mean there's a lot of money that goes into weddings What's the thing about ducks? Oh, boy. Okay. That was good. That was good. I mean, there's a lot of money that goes into weddings.

Yeah, it's really too much. A lot of gold. A lot of gold on them rings. You know, not everybody knows gold is metal, but I'm here to let you know that gold is, in fact, metal. You know what the worst thing is? to let you know that gold is in fact metal you know the worst thing is is the white i bought my wife a ring and she had a uh it was a platinum band okay and then the wedding ring was gold a white gold band and they got fused together or vice versa and for the first 10 years of our marriage she's had an allergy to that ring. Oh, no. And so, like, she could only wear her ring 50% of the time for, like, 10 years until we figured out what the allergy was,

and then I just bought her a regular band, and she just replaced it with a band. What's the hot metal right now? The hot one? Yeah, because, like, when we were, you know, coming up in the world, like, platinum was having a huge moment. It was happening. Gold's out.

Silver's out. It's platinum. Does anyone know? I don't know if there's a hot new metal. Plutonium? No, that'll do worse than stain the ring. Turns out. Everyone's allergic to plutonium.

I don't know if they're really inventing a lot of new metals. Jason would know. No, they are inventing some new- Alloys? Alloys, yeah. But I would definitely say it's not aluminum right now. Okay. That's not the hot thing.

Thank you. Do we have time for another one, Al? We got nothing but time, Andy. Thanks, man. Blake, what kind of ring? How much did you spend on? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Blake from the website. You and your family are offered a guarantee of living until the year 2150. But in exchange, you will all be instantly transported back to the year 1800 to live until 2150 do you accept the offer i i think i know where this question was inspired from i feel like that's an upgrade like if you say you get to live till 2150 well well it's meant to be that way it's meant to be basically like you get to live a long long long long time but you have to start it at a time when things weren't great. But you also will experience the Civil War. Yep.

Maybe you have to go on the Oregon Trail. Friends and family dying at 35 and 40. There's no comfort. Getting your water is a struggle every day. Yeah. You're not pooping with no bidet. I think it's amazing. I think it's an upgrade on this question.

If the question were, you could live till 2150 from today, or you could live till 2150 from 18, what is it, 50? I don't remember. 1800. Bonus 50 for you. I would choose. I would opt in Bonus 50 for you. I would choose. I would opt in to the extra time. I realize that there's hardship there.

I realize that there's like, it's not going to be comfy, cushy bidets and all that. You're going to have to deal with that. But over the course of centuries that you're living, you're going to experience so many changes. So I want the most. I want to see what it was like. And I already know I'm going to live, so I don't have to worry about rattlesnakes and gunfights. It's an interesting one because you do have to go through

like 2,000, or not 2,000, 200 years to catch up. I got some base level questions here. I am, myself and my family are instantly transported back. Am I transported back at my current age and my physical appearance?

I would imagine you stay exactly how you are now until you re-reach. No, until 2150. You're basically staying. Do they like percentage-wise, they'll spread it out? Yeah, that's what I was thinking, but we don't need to get into those weeds. I totally thought that exact thing. They'll prorate your aging over the final 100 years. I totally thought the

same thing i think you just are this age for the entirety oh and you just dropped it yeah and then you exactly your kids never age that's cool you never get to see them grow up what a stupid stupid rule you put into place well i never have to watch them die either boom because it's all at the exact same time yeah exactly i that's a lot of living accept it would you accept i don't you know okay let's take it let's take it back a notch it's your 1200 is there a limit to you getting to experience all that would you like to go back to 1200 and live all the way up till now i would that's so many years i would like to do like a a year uh like maybe a year of each decade i could see jason getting back there and going oh

no oh what have i done yeah bougie boy i gotta wait 200 more years before i get my internet back yeah you'd have no internet no running water i cannot fathom how much better of a person I would be right now having experienced all that life. Sure. You know what I mean? But would you go to 1200? Yeah. Yeah, I would. Would you go to 600 AD?

I think so. So you think you'd go back as far as you could? I think I'd go. If I knew that I get to- Because you won't die. You don't die. Right. So that part is all the threats of death. This knew that like I get to- Because you won't die. You don't die. Right. So that part is-

That's baked into it. This isn't like I want to live in 600 AD. This is like- I get to experience everything across humanity. Why not? Would there be a sense of insane desperation? Like with how much time has to pass before you catch up to where you know you are now? like with how much time has to pass before you catch up to where you know you are now having the knowledge of what's coming and if i absolutely hate all existence then yeah it would

be it would be brutal but i would imagine i genuinely you know i think maybe you get there and and you have that for a month or whatever but eventually that becomes your life. The people there become your friends. Then they all die off. Sure. That part sucks. But while you're in the process of living the life that you are building there, I think you'll find happiness there. It's not like people in the 600s didn't experience happiness because they didn't have internet. Not much.

But you do have that. Not much. They were pretty depressed. I've seen the photographs. The catch is like the, it's like immortality. Like, you know, whatever, the vampires, lore. The curse of immortality. The curse of immortality is you do like,

everybody you become friends with, they die, and then you have to make new ones, and you do it forever. Oh, man. I think I'd rather just live now, die now, and be done. Making all those new friends? You'd hate that process. I think I'd rather just live now, die now, and be done. Making all those new friends? You'd hate that process. I don't know about that.

He would be the weird guy that's always lived in the caves. That's what Mike would become. That guy's lived in the caves for 600 years. Is it the 80s yet? I'm trying to get back to the mall. He's doing the whole thing just to get back to the 80s. It was a great decade. Oh, man.

That's funny. All right. Let's take a break, jump into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting things that are the color white. Things that are the color white. Mike with the first pick. Jason with a fist pump.

I was disappointed. I thought maybe we'd switch it to metal today. Oh, were you? All right, we'll do that in the future. We are at such a disadvantage for that, Jason. Yeah. You're so experienced with metal. To really do some research.

Okay. I'm sure you could find something that's both white and metal if you work hard enough. I've been looking. I'm sure. And no luck so far. All right, Mike. All right. You have the first pick in our things that are white draft.

This is, as Jason would say, this is not a great draft to have the 101. We'll decide whether that's true. Okay. It's true. Thank you. The first thing that came to my mind, I love Christmas. There is the thing that makes it a white Christmas.

When you see... That's Arizona boys. This is the 101. There is a 101, yes. Well, fantastic. When you see that photograph and it's just majestic and beautiful and the light is reflecting off of the snow

just perfectly, it is an incredible image and I will be taking snow. Yeah, that's the 101. I think it is. The wrapper. I think it is the clear 101 for Phoenicians, for people from Arizona. You know, it's like snow is beautiful, rare, majestic, incredible.

But if you live in the snow, if you're like, I live in Detroit, I don't think you love snow quite the same way. I'm not drafting cactus. Maybe not. Maybe not. Right. Exactly. But skiers like it.

Sure. You know, snowboarders like it. When they're skiing, I'll bet not when they get in their car in the morning. They don't call it just Christmas. It's a white Christmas for a reason, people. No, I get it. I get it. I agree.

We prioritize it maybe a little more, but it's a good pick. Yeah. I mean, you say it's, you know, white as snow. That's it maybe a little more, but it's a good pick. Yeah. I mean, you say it's white as snow. That's a white draft. Wait, are you trying to back up that it's real white? No, I'm saying it's a good pick. It is the marker of white. Yeah.

You know, they don't say white as salt, but I'm taking salt. Are you taking salt? Oh, yeah, I'm taking salt. I mean, look, I've been cooking a lot. I'm a chef, and the key to pretty much every meal taking salt. Are you taking salt? Oh, yeah, I'm taking salt. I mean, look, I've been cooking a lot. I'm a chef, and the key to pretty much every meal is salt. You got to use more than you think. You got to do it at the right time. It's on my list.

Yeah, so I'm not living without salt. That's not going to be me. You know, so. I didn't have it on the list, but it's a good pick. Yeah. But you obviously, it's table salt. It's, yeah, well. Yeah, but it's a good pick. Yeah. But you obviously, it's table salt. Yeah, well. Yeah, yeah.

I prefer sea salt. If I got to specify, I will take. Isn't that normally pink? No, that's Himalayan. Okay. I won't argue with you about salt and metal. Kosher, coarse, sea salt. That's my draft pick.

All right, you got salt. All right, you got salt. Snow, salt, interesting. I am going to make one of my two picks as I decide on the second one. No, I think I know them both, and they both are well above. They're above me. Ooh, okay. I know one of them.

And look, the sky, it drops the snow, but it wouldn't be as magnificent without the clouds. Sure. So I'm going to take clouds with my first pick. Okay. But far above the clouds, I will be taking the moon. I will be taking the moon. I thought about that, and then I was like, well, that's yellow.

It is not. That's how I see it. I see the moon is gray. Sure, but I don't... I'm not going to veto it. I don't veto it. I'm just saying it's not a great pick because it's like things that are white. And I'm like, well, is it?

At night, it is definitely white. It is occasionally yellow in a child's book, which may be how you're more familiar with the moon. Yeah, that's correct. Wait, hold on. It is. The moon is, what? It is. It's drawn as yellow sometimes.

People say it's made of cheese because it's like- I know it's drawn like that. They don't say it's made of cheese because it's yellow. They say it's made of cheese because it's got like circles on it. Yeah, and the yellow color. No. It's made of cheese. I have never thought in my head like what color

is the moon yellow well have you guys ever thought of the moon as being yellow hey guess what search for moon and you're gonna see brown gray what color is the moon brown gray okay i was wrong it's brown gray i'll i'll allow because look al tell. What color is the moon, Al? White. Thank you. The nighttime moon, it reflects white, and it's a great pick. I like it. I'm for it. All right. Cool.

I like it, too. That's a great pick. Poop all over it. I'm sorry, man. It's not the first time today. It's a nice shirt. It's a nice mood. Freaking pains.

All right, Jason, another pick. Okay. I'm back. I mean, you. another pick. Okay, I'm back. I mean, you... Wait, it's me again? Yeah. Oh. That's how it works. It goes bing, bong, bing, bong.

Cool. All right. I forgot that you started it. Mike, I thought Andy was starting. Okay, I'm back. I took the yellow mood. Are you okay? I am okay.

I am actually really excited. He's just thinking about metal. He can't stop thinking about metal. Dude, this laptop is made from aluminum, and that's a metal. Yes. I'll keep that knowledge coming. Look, I was close on the first pick between do I want salty or do I want sweet? Oh.

Salt or sugar. I'm taking sugar and get both. Okay. I can make a mess over here with all the salt and sugar I've got. You can make some in the kitchen with it. Absolutely. Salty and sweet. It's usually how I cook.

So now, with those two things taken, do I want to continue with my- You don't have another pick. Thank you. I wasn't going to say anything. What are you doing an idiot. I don't know how to set people up. I forget. Thank you. Thank you. I was definitely less smile more, my man. It gets you places. Mike, it is your pick. You should host. It's a host thing to fix things for people. Goodness. Nice. All right. Uh, so I, it was going to be fantastic. It was, he was so ready for another food pick. Uh, so I have two picks here. The first one is funny enough. We ended up talking at length about this ceremony i'll take the wedding dress oh look at this

it's not on my list and the romantic at heart over there mr tradition that's right i love it there's nothing better than doing things because people have always done them that way there had to be a reason in the beginning i absolutely love love that. That's fantastic. All right. And so I have snow. That's a powerhouse combo, snow and a wedding dress. Just wait, guys. You just don't want them combined. No.

Well, I'll tell you what you don't want to combine with the wedding dress. It is my next pick. It is as white as can be, usually, as long as it's clean. I'm going to take the toilet. I'm going to take the porcelain potty. All right. That makes sense. That makes sense.

That you don't want to combine the dress with the toilet? No, you don't. You don't want to sit on the dress on the toilet? Yeah. You don't want the toilet and the dress? Nope, the dress and the toilet. Speaking of highway to spell, I would have been very curious how long it would have taken Al Borland to spell porcelain

because there was no way he was hitting that in the dock without spell check. Am I right Al? Yeah I had to let it auto correct that one Yeah Go ahead Mike P-O-R-C You got it. Mike got both of his picks So when? Was that where you were trying

to set him up? No he wanted me to spell porcelain Yeah Porcelain. Was that where you're trying to set him up? No. No, he wanted me to spell porcelain. Oh, to spell it? Yeah, you're not here. Dude, seriously. The amount of metal. I'm asking him to spell porcelain, and you're like, nice setup, bro. How do you spell porcelain?

You got him. How do you spell porcelain? Yeah. It's a mystery. P-O-R-C-E-L-A-I-N. A-I-N. All right. Oh, yeah, porcelain. jason you have two picks go on porcelain nice try uh i have one pick here and i'm gonna take milk okay because i've got a food

i've got a food thing going milk was the second thing i thought of yeah and uh it is yellow i got sugar salt and milk all wonderfully whiter than the moon. Uh, sure. Jay. Uh, we've got, isn't there like a moon and a milk thing too? Yeah. What? Yeah.

I know what you're saying. Like those in some kind of story together or something. There's the cow that jumped over the moon. Eh, maybe that's it. Milk comes from cows. It's so factoid. Oh, my goodness. Maybe that's it.

That was the layers? I don't know, man. I'm just saying it could have been. Cheese, milk, it's all together. Moon. I have clouds in the moon. I'm going to close out my draft. White chocolate. White chocolate.

White chocolate is my first pick. I like food. I think white chocolate is the best of all the chocolates. It's incredible. I know that there's different opinions. I'm with you on that, Andy. And then I will close it out with the great cousin of snow, the glacier. I'm taking the glacier.

I'm taking the glacier. Pretty impressive hunk of ice right there. They are. They are gigantic. They're very slow. They're beautiful. Yeah. Just absolutely kind of mind-blowing.

You think you've seen them in a picture, and then you see it in person, and you go, whoa, that thing's crazy. And it's even crazier that people live inside of them that's what's wild what all right jason wait do people live inside of this oh okay i was like i know a lot about metal but i don't know this so um all right i'm gonna take for my last turn this show off five metal references ago. I apologize for nothing. I apologize for nothing. What's your favorite kind of music? Country.

It's a little heavy. All right. I'm going to go with, look, I got a complete here. I've got salt. I've got sugar. I've got milk. Andy's got the moon. I'm taking cheese.

I'm taking cream cheese philadelphia style really oh yeah this is philadelphia cream cheese philadelphia cream cheese oh it's delicious and it's what color is it mike it is white super white i just thought maybe you'd go with like a white cheddar or something but you went all the way to cream cheese well i was looking at mayo but mayo's got that you know it's made from egg yolk so it's got that tint of yellow cream cheese way to cream cheese? Well, I was looking at mayo, but mayo's got that, you know, it's made from egg yolk, so it's got that tint of yellow. Cream cheese is pure. Cream cheese is great. So my picks here are just, they're, you know, as white as snow, which unfortunately you

have. Yeah, handled that. It is the barometer. Salt, sugar, milk, and cream cheese. You need professional help. My favorite things that are white. Mike's no wedding dress, porcelain throne, aka toilet. What's your final pick?

Okay, my final pick here. There's a couple that really stood out to me. And I usually like to have a character in here. So I'm going to decide between two. I'm going to take the Stormtrooper. Oh, really? I am. Wow.

I'm going to take the- I thought you were going to go Staypuffed. Oh, no, he actually was not on my list. The other consideration was Baymax. Yeah, Stormtrooper's a better pick than Baymax. But I'm going to go with, yeah, we got there. We got there, everybody. Yeah, take the Stormtrooper.

They can't hit the broad side of a barn. No, and it was always tough because you thought they looked cool, but they were the bad guys. Yeah. So as a kid, you're like, I don't want to root for you, but you're kind of cool. There are so many things on my list. Uh-huh, I bet.

Marshmallows. Yeah, I mean, they're on there cream i'm just surprised that like i was able to get four food things we finished the draft usually there's like one or two good picks left but i feel like we've probably all got like lots tons of great yeah there's a few things that are named white something that i didn't go with like a a white tiger. Sure. Or the white house, you could say. That's fair. Or a white sand beach. Yeah.

But I just kind of stayed away from those. Yeah. Pearls. Pearls. They're white. Yeah, pearls are white. Whiter than most of your picks. Your blue glaciers.

Oh, we're going blue glaciers now. And I went to look for like, I was trying to find a metal that's known for being white and they're you know i can't imagine where it well it's funny because it's like silver well it's a precious metal known for being you know a kind of a bright silver color but silver is used to describe a color that is silver yeah no that one wouldn't have worked you got to basically paint it like uh like painted metal well, yeah, like a white metal fence. You see those. But then if you're taking that, you go white picket fence.

Yeah, that would be the picket. That's on my list. Not metal, though. It's not metal. I couldn't have that. Yeah, that wouldn't have really jumped the shark. You don't want to do that. I had a whiteout on the list.

Those things are awesome. Like a sporting event? No, no, no. A sporting event. Like when everybody wears that. Those are just cool whenever there's a coordinated. No, no, no. A sporting event. Like when everybody wears that, you know. Those are just cool whenever there's a coordinated. Everyone comes into a stadium and wears the same colored shirt.

But it was really tough. Vanilla milkshake. There's so many delicious things that are white. Yeah. Yeah. Mike, did you have anything else you wanted to add? I just wanted the show to be over. What did we learn today?

I'll speak for Mike and I. Yes, please. We learned a new level of knowledge that you possess that most people don't. Yeah, that's true. Which is the ability to identify a large quantity of objects. And just recall them. And recall them. Yeah. That exist in your world.

It is a curse. I'll tell you what I didn't learn today. Anything that's metal. I already knew it. So that's the takeaway from today is I just love how many metal things I know. And also spit buds. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I love you guys and I'll be back next week. Not every episode's a winner, you know what I mean? Got to have the down ones to know the up. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.