Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 282: Creepy Smirks & Return of the Metal Master - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

On this episode, we dive into the Door Dash dream, get creeped out by smirks and see the return of the Metal Master, but this time, he’s put to the ultimate test. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Jason. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ch. Ch-ch-ch. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

It was going so well until your cymbals, which are- You did too many cymbals. No, they're just, they are, I would say they're amongst the loudest. You were doing a drum set, right? Yes, I was learning to play the drums. Your cymbals were so quiet. Those things are loud. It's hard to make that sound loud. I tried.

Give me a loud crash cymbal. That happened to me when I did the whistle. You remember? You coward. You know it's hard. Yeah, I don't think that sound is. That was way better. It's tough to do.

Welcome in. By the way, Jason. Try it at home that was way better it's tough to do welcome in one by the way jason try it at home this moment it's your moment it's your moment after the scat once the scat honestly so here's here's uh peel back the curtain a little bit i hate the scat everyone knows that but sometimes we take um inspiration for the scat from whatever that draft is. And so today gave me like I was like, oh, I got this one's easy. I love look, learning to play the drums with the spill odds out there. This is just a good time. And when you say you hate the scat, not that a scat exists, just you hate doing it.

Correct. I just don't like being the one having to do it. Nobody knew that until now. So thank you for telling us. Would you rather, what's the difference? And a special draft. I guess I feel like I should tease it because now you know a drum set will be involved.

So fun show today. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for leaving reviews on Apple Podcasts Spotify wherever you're listening it is a quick and easy way to help the show grow you can also tell your friends the ones that you want to be happy about the show and they'll be happier

there you go alright let's jump in right away There you go. All right. Let's jump in right away. Would you rather? Would you rather have DoorDash, Jason, limited to the same restaurant? It's the restaurant of your choice, but it's limited to one restaurant. It's free and unlimited.

Oh, upgrade. Or you can just have DoorDash as you currently have it, but it takes longer to get to you. Actually, no, just as you have it. We're just going to change it to that because I know that there's no way you're not just picking the free and unlimited for one, but just DoorDash as it is. Oh, man. Or DoorDash for free, but limited to one restaurant. That's a brutal question to have to admit the truth of. Like, yeah, I mean, I know my answer, but I know what the answer also should be, which is not my answer. Okay.

So this is tough. How do you two feel about this? Oh, my gosh. Your answer is as it is. You're darn right it is. Yeah. I'll pay up. I'll pay up.

You shouldn't have nerfed the question, Andy. All right. DoorDash in its current form, but costs twice as much. Oh, my gosh. You'll need another mortgage. I will take. I'll need another mortgage i will take i'll need another mortgage i gotta i gotta pay more yeah if it costs second mortgage if it costs two times as much to afford doordash i if it's two and a half times as long to get to me well now the convenience is gone

right that's okay so i would take the free and unlimited, and of course, I feel like we all know the restaurant we would pick if we could only get one forever. What is it? It's the Cheesecake Factory. I knew you'd say that. Yeah, that's smart. It's the only one that has everything. You want pasta? You're good.

You want Asian? You're good. You want breakfast? You're good. Dessert? That's never on my mind. No, no, no. Cheesecake is not in my rotation.

That's never on my mind. No, no, no. Cheesecake is not in my rotation. That's because you know that there's no real feasible way for a restaurant to make fresh food of every kind, shape, and color under the sun for you. There's something back there. I know for a fact they're defrosting frozen stuff. You want to work at the Cheesecake Factory? What's your specialty?

and stuff what you want to work at the cheesecake factory what's your specialty well i'm incredible at italian american and i'm okay at asian cuisine not enough no you can't work here no i mean you have one of two things happening behind the scenes either they have 20 chefs working each shift which they don't or there is something bad and nefarious going on behind the scenes because no human can make like you you know you come in to uh i've always been put off by like i don't want to think about how the sausage is made oh yeah because you go into a restaurant as a chef and you get in before opens up and you do all your prep work you know it's like oh for these few dishes we we need parsley let's pull the parsley you get you know for these few there's no way there's no way they have 700 different things you can order how one of

first of all how do they even know how to make all that how does one human know how to make all those different dishes somebody found one of those you know the diners that you can hit on route 44 where you just it's a side of the side of the road diner that you'd hit on a road trip and somehow they got everything on the menu but you just know what that means that just means they're reheating food in the back of every kind that's frozen somebody said let's just do that and slap some cheesecake in front of it. And pretend it's fancy. And pretend it's fancy. I'm hook, line, and sinker, though.

I think it's fancy. Yeah, no, it's your choice. You wait. Cheesecake's fancy? Oh, yeah. Cheesecake's nice. Is that because it's dark in there? They make it so dark in that restaurant.

Cheesecake factory's really nice. High class. If a fast food restaurant, if you walked in- Just turned the lights down? And they dimmed the lights to where it would be where you can't read your menu unless it's right in front of your face or you have got the phone on yeah you have your phone flashlight if they did that would you think higher of that establishment 100 i would like that is not even a joke if it was a mcdonald's not a new like chain

if one specific mcdonald's dim their lights to 50 i would go in there and be like oh look at what this mcdonald's is doing mcdonald's right i mean i don't even i don't think that's a bit i don't think that's a joke i think if i walked in and it was like now you're right now you're making me one like the m like the McDonald's should also have like table service. Oh, yeah. I would definitely go to McDonald's where I could just sit down, receive a menu. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And they fill up your drink, but it is at the same exact fountain. They just walk straight across. What if they did this? What if there was like a- This is a great experiment. What if they did this? What if there was like a- This is a great experiment. Like they buy a Cheesecake Factory building, all the nice booths and the bar top.

But it's all the same McDonald's food. But it's 100% McDonald's. It's McDonald's on the outside. It looks the same. You're comfortable. Wait staff comes and greets you, gives you a menu. You order. The whole McDonald's experience, but you're in-

I mean, how much are those burgers? Same burgers. you a menu you order the whole mcdonald's experience but you're in what i mean is it how much are those burgers same burgers but is the food slightly more fresh or is it 100% same it's all okay is it plated yeah yeah oh yeah yeah i'm not you're not unwrapping it your fries come in like a fancy wrap it in front of you and then plate it in front of you no no this comes out presented it's the 100% same food but mike in front of you? No, no, no. This comes out presented. It's the 100% same food. But Mike's right. You've got the little fancy tin that the fries are sticking up out of.

Some sauce in just a little cup. A little ramekin. I definitely go at least once. The Big Mac certainly comes plated with the big toothpick down the middle. And a knife. Does it declare rare or medium rare or anything yes but they only have yeah i mean they only have one thing they don't they don't ask you how to cook it so and then of course you got the big steak knife in case you want to cut that burger in half

i mean they could charge so much and i would absolutely that'd be a pretty fun experience actually i would go hey uh mr mcdonald if you're out there listening to this please uh open up one in the arizona area where i will go free to be a patron yeah mike which one are you doing would you just want the free one okay i'll figure i don't know what restaurant it is but i'll figure it out um i want to know doordash how in the minority i am. Like, you're, you're in about, I would say you're in about the 1%. Okay.

I'm tweeting this out. Oh, I just want to know what the percentage is. Jason is so, Oh my, you might get a hundo. No, I think there's,

there's gotta be dozens. There's about a 1% of the people out there. Oh, my gosh. This is just perfect. All right, let's go here. Dwight from Patreon. Would you rather be an Olympic caliber gymnast or an elite UFC fighter? Okay.

Okay. What are the benefits of being the gymnast? Like the real-world applications. Physical health. I mean, you're fit as a fiddle, right? Yeah, I guess I've seen like – Probably small too. Well, it depends on the sport.

Yeah, they have some bigger guys in there. Michael Phelps is very large. He's also not a gymnast. Oh, gymnast specific. I thought it was like Olympian. No, but when they're on the rings and stuff, you can see every muscle in their body. I've seen... There's some chonky UFC guys.

How much do you think the gold medal hanging on the mantle is worth because the ufc you don't get that but you get the opportunity to do that and be like the face of a country like simone biles if you're a gymnast you can be you know represent your country and if you're a ufc fighter that's also a different kind of high, right? You come out to your fans and your crowd. It's infrequent fighting. Both of them are more work behind the scenes than anybody could ever imagine to do the thing that people see very rarely.

How many fights would a number one elite UFC fighter have in a year? Oh. One? One, yeah. One, maybe two. So, you know, you're talking about neither one. Like, you got world championships for gymnasts and then the Olympics,

and then you've got a fight every year or two. So all the work goes on behind the scenes, but you can't win a gold medal at UFC. I will say that the life skill of a UFC fighter is much more practical. It's much greater, yes. I mean, if I'm out on the street, out at a bar, like, I know I can defend myself. I can defend you.

We're good here. I'm not afraid of nothing. Yeah, that's very valuable. But, like, I'm not going to be, like, you know, at the bar and be like, you want to see me do a handstand on this counter? No, but I could vault that thing. But you'll have cauliflower ear. That's true.

And you'll have been punched in the face so many times. I don't think I would mind the fighting. So when this came through. I was going to say the punching in the face. I don't think I'd mind the punching in the face. In the heat of a battle, like, you know, I used to. The results of being punched in the face will be carried on throughout your life. For a little while, yeah.

But you're 100% right. It's the cauliflower ears that are actually the problem and that comes more from the wrestling and the grappling that is what i really would not want to have because that does not go away that causes some medical issues would be as ugly as all get out i mean it was disgusting i think it's a badge of honor for those guys oh it's one another but do you think you'd accidentally get in more fights if you were the ufc fighter i don't think i don't think it's a badge of honor for those guys. Oh, it certainly is. But do you think you'd accidentally get in more fights if you were the UFC fighter? I don't think so. I don't think it would be an accident. I think I'd be. You know

I would. What? You looking at me? No, I wasn't looking at you. Sir, I was not looking at you. You are now. I don't think so. I don't think you would. I think you may never get in a fight. Oh, could you get in fewer fights? Because right now, people wouldn't be afraid of me.

But if I was a UFC fighter... No, I'm just saying I feel like when you're walking around having that level of confidence and knowing what a real fight is, I don't think you're going to escalate anything. Don't you have an obligation to intervene more because you have the ability to intervene? You may. But an intervention, I would think in most scenarios,

it's just going to be you approaching someone from the back and choking them out. That's how you'll help. What do you got? A text message going over? This is good podcasting. What are you doing? Jason just got his post up. I think he saw my tweet go live what how did you phrase

the question okay so i said would you rather have doordash limited to the same single restaurant of your choice but it is free and unlimited or doordash in its current form and then my options are one restaurant in parentheses free okay or as it is now okay all right actually that's that is well worded thank you i tried to make it as earnest and honest as it could be it is currently sitting at 93 93 93.6 to 6.4 but we're early i'm seeing 97 and three okay just moving we're moving okay so we'll see where it ends up i told you there's dozens of us there are some of you out there that you know jason's been a variety of a variety man i want the gymnast i'm gonna go with the gymnast okay now i don't think i am in my current form like the gap between me and gymnast

is larger than the gap between me and fighter really yes so you're saying that a gymnast is a better athlete than a fighter i'm saying saying that at 40, there's only one option for me, and it's not flying through the air or doing flips. I'm saying I could get closer to the ladder. The gymnast one, representing the country, being an Olympic athlete has got to be one of the highest highs, one of the greatest feelings of accomplishment. Because everybody wants to win at something and be the winner.

But there is a unique element. You are representing your country. But is it still that? The Olympics? No, no, no. I know it's still the countries versus the countries, but I'm saying the, my general like thoughts of the Olympics and what I feel like the, the, the general public's thoughts on the Olympics are,

it's nowhere close to when we were young. I think it's the exact same for anyone, every one of those athletes and the fans of the Olympics. I don't think we're as into it as we used to be because, but if the general public is not as into it, is the prestige, is not as into it is the prestige is it still what it i mean michael phelps lived in this generation and he exists in that paradigm simone biles does too so maybe maybe not to the full degree i hear what you're saying

it's like do you remember uh what dan and date or whatever yeah i know what you're talking about like dan jansen and and... Yeah, they had a McDonald's commercial. And Dave, he was a Summer Olympic guy. But anyways, this is boring. The same for the basketball teams. The hype

that they get now compared to those first couple dream teams is not even close. That is because people have too much to watch now. Genuinely. People were into it because when you turn much to watch now. Genuinely. Yeah. People were into it because you had to. When you turn the TV on, they just it was on. But your last channel is now.

All right. Final answers. I'm going gymnast UFC fighter. I'm going to go fighter because I've got more of a passion for combat sport. Do you want to update your your poll for us? Sure thing. Current update. I am seeing most recently. Oh, that's funny i refreshed and i

lost a hundred now i refresh and lost a hundred more what's going on x um but with 300 votes it is 92 percent to eight percent okay okay people are people are maniacs people are maniacs danny from patreon would you rather have to do a stand-up comedy show where every one of your jokes bombs, so like this show, or be a guest on a science podcast where the main host is told you're a renowned expert but slowly finds out that you have no idea what you're talking about? That sounds so fun. I mean that. I mean that like if- Like you trying to make it through so you guys remember back in the day a couple this was i don't know four or five years ago um yes the pat mcafee show

picked up on a joke tweet of mine where it was julio jones was a free agent and i said like based on my sources julio's narrowed it down and then i it was i listed like the entire league it was a clear and obvious joke but they picked it up and they thought like oh this guy you know with a large following you know has sources and he's narrowed it down to these teams and they asked me to come on the show and I'm like okay yeah you know it so I went on and pretended it was so true until I think as the show went, they started to realize, wait a minute, are we being trolled here? Yeah.

That is a blast. I would love to be a scientist. I would sign up for on purpose. This isn't like, like one of these is terrible. If you're actually on stage in front of someone telling jokes that, you know, all the swishes in the world aren't going to help you. That is a bad time i i think if you alone are in on the joke that's good enough for me i like being the only one that it's uh kind of like what a very andy kaufman yeah yeah there's there's something

artistic about that to me i feel like at some point you hit a wall with the telling jokes of the comedy show that bomb where you were in that world too at some point you're in the world where you are comes all the way around it's all the way around where you're like now let's see how quiet we can get this room oh man yeah are they good jokes that the audience just stinks or are they just like they're just really they're not good jokes yeah i can't choose that yeah i don't know how mike which one would you go with the probably the stand-up because the as fun as i think the the science podcast one would be it's like uh if it feels like you're like playing a game of Among Us or there's

what's the like the werewolf game just these games where you get picked to be it and the whole entire time you're lying and it's just I'm not a good liar man the anxiety that

fills me even though I'm playing a game where the entire purpose of the game is I am supposed to lie and be good at lying. But the whole time I'm like, I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm lying. So do you find it more important to be represented properly in front of the scientific community or the comedy community? Good question. Because those are the two things that are going, the reputations that will be foiled.

Right. I do not have a great standing with the scientific community presently. Yeah, nor do I. I mean, I don't know that either of these things like us. We did win. Oh, that's true. We're an award-winning comedy podcast. are people if the people vote and we do a lot of science on the show we're very good at doing the science we've learned quite quite a

lot of science i'll do to you right i've learned quite a lot of science on this show i'll do the stand-up because i think i can hit a point where now it becomes the gain of just how uncomfortable can I make everyone feel. What did you pick? I'll do the science one because I don't care about that community. Exactly. All right. Quick break. Back with another segment.

Today's show is brought to you by your friends over at Masterclass. Picture that thing you've always wanted to learn. Now, picture learning it from the person who's literally the best at it in the world. That's what you get with Masterclass. This year, learn from the best to become your best with Masterclass. Don't just talk about improving. Masterclass helps you actually do it. Masterclass offers over 180 world-class instructors.

So whether you want to master negotiation with Chris Voss or think like a boss with Martha Stewart, look, I'm a musician. I'm very interested in the process of scoring for movies. Well, who's there? Freaking Hans Zimmer. I mean, the Hans Zimmer is on Masterclass talking about how he makes themes,

how he works with directors. Absolutely fascinating stuff. I use Masterclass, and I think you should too. And right now, our listeners will get an additional 15% off in annual membership at masterclass.com slash ballers. Get 15% off right now at masterclass.com slash ballers. Masterclass.com slash ballers. What's the difference between me and you?

What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. What's the difference between an argument, a quarrel, and a squabble? A squabble, an underutilized word, first of all. I feel like. I know one. I feel like a squabble, just to get this out real quick. I feel like that's between your aunt and your uncle.

Oh. Is that because? I don't know why. It just feels like your aunt and uncle are squabbling in the corner of the- Can your parents squabble? No. Okay. So it's an older extended family home. Yes.

That is what I've chosen to define it as. Now, this is obviously really on the nose, but I feel like this usually happens over a game of Scrabble. You squabble when you scrabble. Oh, you got the letters wrong, and then it's a squabble. So if you have to look up the word, that's a squabble? Oh, yeah. If you get challenged, you put a word down, you're squabbling. I think that's actually what they call it.

Let's look it up. Don't you dare. No, to me, you're at the family reunion, and aunt and uncle are squabbling in the corner. The quarrel. Oh, this is the one I know. Has to be lovers. Oh, a lover's quarrel.

It's the only people who can quarrel. I feel like countries can quarrel. I want to just push back a little bit here because I feel like there's also an old-timey nature to this. Like, do you quarrel with me, sir? You know what I mean? I feel like there were quarrels a lot back in the day. I did feel like there might be quarrels between countries. Countries can quarrel.

Only when they're in love. They might. So I feel like that limits to France. Just anyone who's in love. So if France is in a fight

with another country, it's almost always a quarrel. Because France is known for love? Oh, absolutely. France could squabble, though. Well, for us, because they're distant. Yeah, because they're so old. An argument is when you don't have a creative way to fight. It's just a basic, old-fashioned argument.

Yeah, and there's no physical. An argument cannot get physical. Right. Because, you know, that's a fight. Is a quarrel physical? A quarrel can be physical, yes. You can be quarre can be physical, yes. You can be quarreling with fisticuffs.

Absolutely. 100%. Squabbles are not physical. Lovers can quarrel and countries can quarrel. And that can, you know, not just be words, but an argument is words. A quarrel breaks out and there's actual gunfire? I don't think so. That's a war. No.

Is it a musket? It's still got to be old. I think muskets can be involved in a quarrel. I think you can quarrel with your neighbors, too. Only one way. Yeah. A squabble, though. The heart wants what the heart wants.

I can't argue with my neighbors. I don't love any of them. You don't know any of them. No, you don't know any of them. The maximum amount of physical altercation that can happen in a squabble is for you to take off your hat and throw it on the ground that's the max you can okay that's as physical as a squabble is allowed to get otherwise it becomes something more quarrelsome oh i see what you know what i mean

yeah all right what is the difference between a smile, a grin, and a smirk? Oh, we've got the smirk expert. Oh, my gosh, I know what the smirk is. The smirk is, if you're watching the video right now, the smirk is usually his default status. Yeah, most people are like a normal, neutral face. A smirk is a... A smirk's one-sided, right?

Smirk is usually one-sided But it always requests a punch Always 100% A smirk requests a punch If you look at a face and you say Stop smirking at me Yeah, I want to hit that

Like, it's kind of like a smile But I want to punch it Right That dude's smirking So a smirk is not contagious? Oh no no no no it's the 80 percent of smirks are because your fly is down your flight so other people if you see a smirk it is 80 of the time it's because your fly is down on your pants and that makes you want to hit them because because your flies well because they noticed they're smirking at me yeah over my mistake just tell me talk to me like a real person yeah don't smirk at me patow so the

first thing you do after punching someone who is smirking is then you look you check your fly yeah check your fly but now if your fly is closed do you feel bad about punching him in the face not because of the 80 rule i still played the odds yeah yeah you i mean you had a good chance and you okay you know you you were take trust in the process plus when they're mad you're like yeah you were smirking though and they're like oh you probably thought your fly was down they get it a smile has teeth yes now people incorrectly think you can smile without teeth they you know they they they think if you grin ear to ear that that's called a smile that's not a smile unless i see teeth a grin is uh creepy yeah there's something nefarious and when you turn once you're 40

you will inadvertently as a way of just socially getting along with people, you'll walk by them and you'll just give them a grin. Also, something that usually happens in a grin is the head tilts down. Yeah. A grin, if you really think through this. Yeah, it's kind of like saying, it's creepy. Yeah. Like Joker grins.

Okay. You got to try that. your head tilts well yeah i know you have that's a sneer a sneer i think you might be sneering are we doing are we putting another a fourth one in here papa josh just wrote in and said jason is creeping me out yeah because i was because you were i was grinning that's not a grin so you're that's a sneer uh that's that's a creepy something sneer in your head are you doing the uh the grinch kind of yeah yeah you think that's what you look like right now it's not a grin man well i don't quite have the jim carrey elasticity um that's what leads to a lover's quarrel is that look. I was frightening in general. Smile has teeth.

Grin is no teeth. Smirk is only half of a grin. Okay. But requests a punch settled. Mike, what is the difference between something that is free, complimentary and a handout? Free. Well, free is pretty self-explanatory. Complimentary.

Complimentary is where you have to be somewhere else, like not your home. So it could be a hotel, and they hand you something that is free, and yet they sell you something nice about yourself. They're like, sir, you look fabulous today. You're saying because it's a compliment. Yeah. No, that's not true. No?

No. Complimentary usually comes with something else. I feel like the complimentary breakfast, that's the one you hear the most of. Yeah. Come stay here. Because you already paid for something. Yeah, you already paid for something, and then we're going to call this part of what you paid for the free part.

Yeah, yeah. So it's not actually free. You get complimentary parking when you buy our overpriced tickets. There you go. Complimentary is a hoodwink, man. Yeah, it's like free shipping. Exactly. When you're going to check out, you're like, well, shipping's $10?

No, thank you. Attack on $10 of that price. Complimentary shipping? That's what they should thank you. They tack on $10 to that price. Complimentary shipping? That's what they should call it. They should not call it free shipping. They should call it complimentary shipping because that's what it actually is. It's complimenting. Yeah, come to our timeshare presentation for this complimentary cruise.

Yeah, and it costs you everything. It costs you everything. Are you talking about timeshares? Yes. Your soul? Don't do it. Your money? Everything. It costs you everything. Are you talking about timeshares? Yes. Yes. Your soul? Don't do it. Your money?

But the handout, a handout is, I mean, is a handout free? Yeah. But not all free is a handout? A handout? Yeah, 100%. A handout is going downward. Yes. It really is a handout is like i am better than you here you go oh okay so you receive this free thing from me yep but you would not be allowed to give me that

free thing yeah i don't need a hand i would never take that because i don't take handouts yes that's what a handout is it is a one directional snooty yeah you have to be up on a you're up on a step it's an insulting gift it is an insulting gift absolutely now the people receiving the handout maybe they don't take it as an insult but because they need it right like the person giving al borland's like i'll take all the handouts you want to give me right because he needs them dire straits socioeconomic dire status um and i would never accept something from him no you wouldn't no impossible you're above that you would reject it and then buy a better version of what he was going to give you that is 100

correct um that's that's what a handout is yeah so complimentary is it comes with something that costs you everything and then let's just get back to free let's just do free stuff because that's awesome do we have time for one more the best stuff in life you want to move on now let's do one more swish what's the difference between okay now you're making me tell the spit was no no no everyone knows what's the difference between... Okay, now you're making me tell the spit wads what you're doing. No, no, no. Everyone knows. What's the difference between something that is delicious, exquisite, and delectable? I don't know how often I'm using exquisite to describe food.

More than delectable, that's for sure. I think I use delectable more. Delectable is definitely a food-related... No, no, no. I'm saying I use exquisite more than I use the word delectable. I think he's right. I think he does use exquisite more. I've heard Mike use it.

How was that restaurant? Exquisite, he would say. Yeah, it's a word that is in my vernacular. But delectable, look, I'm sorry. That's a chocolate-covered strawberry, and that's it. That's the only thing you're going to buy? That's the only one. I feel like it has to be really rich.

It's a treat, right? It's has to be really rich it's a treat right it's a savory treat what do they call chocolate like stores chocolate stores yeah this is candy store no there's like a confectionary yes thank you confectionary they have a lot of delectable stuff that's what that's where the delectable but it's not delicious do they only have chocolate there? Yeah, they're delicious. At confectionery stores? Yeah, confectionery. Confectionery.

That word has disappeared from my brain as many times. I mean, you just witnessed it. But every time I have ever seen confectionery, I forget it three seconds later, whatever that means. Are they only chocolates? And I would have thought you would have known that word well. You would. I think they're only chocolate-related items. I feel like there's powdered sugar.

And candy. You didn't let me finish my sentence, Owl. The definition actually says food items that are rich in sugar and carbohydrates. How do I not know that word? How are you not a confectionist? I am a confectionist. Some people are perfectionists. You're a confectionist.

I feel like, no, you misheard me. I said I'm a confectionist. Yeah, some people are perfectionists. You're a confectionist. I feel like, no, you misheard me. I said I'm a confectionist. Delicious, most broadly used, sometimes probably overused. Yeah, that's fair. Exquisite, that is high price. That includes more than the food to me. It's a whole experience. Yeah.

Delicious means nothing anymore. Delicious just means it tastes good. I'm just saying we use it all the time. It's too used. If everything's delicious, then that's just edible food. Yeah. In America, everything's delicious at a minimum. But do you know what delicious really sets up?

It sets up things to be exquisite. Because delicious is so common and exquisite is so rare that it's really, nowadays, something that is exquisite is what used to be delicious. Now, to be clear, none of these three can describe something nutritious. Oh, of course not. If this is healthy for you, get out. It's not delicious, exquisite, or delectable. No, it's not. I think that's right.

Unfortunately. I think that's right. All right, another quick break, and we're back with a special draft. The Spitballers draft all right jason you uh you my bad i i got the show schedule wrong here yeah i know you might have prepared for that draft but today we are actually drafting things that are metal which jason should be extremely prepared for yeah you don't need a prep for that right i can i can do dude you have no idea how easy that's going to be. That's great.

You got the 101, buddy. You're up. Oh, my gosh. Is this really happening? Oh, yeah. Dude, I thought you screwed up, and I was like, why are we going to have to edit? We don't do edits on the spitballers.

No, we don't. You guys are setting me up. You're setting yourselves up because I know everything. There is no battle, you losers. Watch this. Gold. Gold. 101. Gold. setting yourselves up because i know everything there is to know about metal you losers watch this gold 101 gold it's a high quality metal and it's the 101 of gold i know everything that's metal don't the 101 of gold gold is the first pick of gold if you're talking about a metal draft of gold, I'm taking the gold. Straight up 101 gold. Pull over.

So to be clear, we are drafting things that are metal today. Things that are metal. Things that are metal. And Jason coming in hot. You're darn right, because this is my draft. With the gold. Drafting a metal. Yeah, I'm not even.

You know what? See, my laptop it's closed I don't need this I don't need to look up things on the internet That are metal I know when something is metal It's like built in me Check this draft out

It's going to be the easiest draft of my life Look I'll get out of the way I'm taking the Eiffel Tower It's all metal It's all metal I'm taking the eiffel tower oh that's a good one it's all metal okay that's all metal sure i'm taking the eiffel tower no problem hold on hold on is it is it yeah it is metal it is if you guys want claire i will definitely barge in yes if i see something awry and i'm like dude that's not that's plastic and um thankfully the eiffel tower is actually wait you're but you're

an expert in plastic or you just- No, no, no. He just knows when something's metal. I'm also an expert in plastic. If we want to do a plastic trap, watch out. I mean, I'm just- Materials. When it comes to types of things, man.

I just, I really understand them. But the Eiffel Tower is good. The Eiffel Tower is very good. And that's made of metal. What was the metal again? Primarily steel. Excellent. Yeah.

All right. So I get two picks here. Eiffel Tower. I was not ready for that one. Things that are made of metal. I'm going to take. I can't believe you surprised me like this. And I had the drums all locked and loaded for a clear one-on-one pick.

Sorry. All right. I will take swords with with with my first pick. Yeah that was my next pick. Words are very good. Very metal. Imagine a metal sword against a plastic sword. Yeah. It's taking the metal every time. Yeah. Yeah. Not even close. I like it. And then for my second pick of things that are metal. What's stupid. No, no, no. It's draft. There's only a few things that are 20 rounds, 30 rounds. I'll be here all day. I've got no problem with this. I am going to. I think there's only one thing on my list that may not make it back somehow. I will take an ice cream scoop. Okay.

Okay. Metal one though, right? Right. That's default. It's got to be because I could chime in and say some of those are plastic. There's a lot of plastic ones. Who is using a plastic ice cream tube? They are the worst.

They're quite popular. That's a one-time use. That thing is snapping in half. They've been known to snap. They aren't good. They should be metal. So I applaud your pick for saying, like, let's go with metal here. So, I mean, I got to get it back to Jason because I want to hear what he's got in store.

So I'll take a very obvious, easy pick. I'll take a bazooka. A bazooka. There's a lot of mechanical parts in there. Are you not happy with that? You know, I'm not entirely sure what percentage of a bazooka is made out of metal. I think 100%. 100%? Almost 100. I'm going to sure what percentage of a bazooka is made out of metal. I think 100%. 100%?

Almost 100. I'm going to go nearly 100%. All right. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. The gunpowder or whatever the- But that would be in the actual projectile. Yeah, that's in the projectile.

I think it's just metal, man. A bazooka is really just a pipe. Yeah. It's a pipe with a trigger. It is really a pipe. It's a pipe with a trigger. I mean, it's just a conduit for the real deal. Yes.

Which is, what do you call what you load in a bazooka? An RPG. Really? I think. A shell, yeah, a bazooka shell, right? I'm looking over to my bazooka experts over there in Deucer's Alley. It's a rocket-propelled grenade, right? Thank you, Josh.

Wow. Jason, you need to pick something metal quickly. Yes, I do. Quickly. No problem. No problem. I love this draft. I could do this all day.

Silver. I'm taking silver, which is another metal. It's so metal. It's pure metal. There's no other parts. You're not asking me, like- Where's that going? Like the gold draft, though.

In the gold draft, it goes number two. It's really made for second place. That's why they do it at the Olympics. Um, so that's clear. What a great golden silver, silver of things that are made of metal. Things that are made of metal metal. Um yeah and then uh the third thing i'm gonna take the cyber truck oh okay you're not gonna be able to nullify any more of our mechanical parts i know there are parts there but you want a car made out of so out of all just to be clear out of all the things that you know that are metal which is unlimited thousands thousands millions millions you went with a really pretty recent entry into that category the cyber trap that's right see i am forward thinking i am a man of the future and so i'm waiting i can't wait to hear what your last

pick is it's gonna be i can't wait it's gonna be it's gonna blow your mind it's gonna just you're gonna be like how did he think of this? And I'll say, because it's metal. Yeah, no, that's good. Gold, silver, Cybertruck, the classic trifecta. I have the Eiffel Tower and a bazooka, so I'm going to close it out. Oh, not close it out. I have two more picks, but I'm going to go with the spaceship.

I feel like you opened that door with the Cy the cyber truck so i'm going with the spaceship that's mostly metal is it yeah okay that's the only thing that can withstand the heat you would that's fair yes you would know that yeah spacex i was trick i was trick question i was just trying to get you to fall into the trap but it is it is in fact. All right. This draft is off the rails a little bit. What? So how much metal does it have to be made out of? 51%. Yeah, for sure.

Things that are metal. What if it's graph? There's a lot of metal things. Jason would be the first to tell you. ACDC. Well, they're not metal at all. They're humans. They're made of carbon. ItDC. Well, they're not metal at all. They're humans. They're made of carbon.

It could have been funnier. But you know metal. Switch. All right. I'm going then for... Al, this one's for you, brother. I'm going to take a trumpet. A trumpet is made out of brass.

You know what? Hold on. Yeah, pure yeah pure metal and i was gonna take brass that was uh you know uh we'll we'll see what i know it's an alloy between two different but i don't remember which two and you do yeah how do you how do you make it's two metals combined the two it's both of them you got the brass is made out of which ones you know the copper and the aluminum he was 50 50 on that one the copper is definitely one of them look is the other one bronze nah man no what is what is zinc really yeah zinc is made out of did you know that or did you look that up um i was right i am i looked it up. Okay, so zinc and... Copper and zinc are both combined for brass. I'm right about that, right?

That is correct. So you went with the trumpet. I did, and I get one more pick. Let's load up with our new friend here. Our new friend, copper and zinc. Okay. Brass knuckles.

You got a sword and brass knuckles yeah i'm 50 brass guys he's got a bazooka this turned into a battle of who who can uh pretty metal that's pretty metal yes pick i'm gonna go with an anvil, that's a great pick. Not only is it made of metal, it's used to shape metal. Yeah, I mean, it is. What an incredible moment. Doesn't it fall on the coyote quite often? Oh, yeah. Cartoons are devastated by anvils.

Anvils are one of the most treacherous things for a cartoon character to withstand. Somehow can't kill them. No. No. Because they're cartoons. Jason, you've got gold, silver, and a Cybertruck. Just a few on the tip of the spear, really. I could go

anywhere. I could go anywhere with metal. There's so many things I know of that are made of metal. But I want something pure. I want something a building block for society oh so i'm gonna take a metal that upon which our society is built i know i'm gonna take poles i'm gonna take a pole a metal pole i'm telling you they're everywhere society is built upon them all just drive just drive down the street look how many poles you'll be like that's a metal pole that's a metal pole they're

every they're all around us but they're hidden in plain sight so just genuinely i thought he was so high brow that he meant the magnetic poles of the earth, which our society is physically built upon. But he did instead mean the poles that are around the streets. They're everywhere. I mean, how else will you display what side of it or like what country you're from, which side you represent? How do you know how to cross the street?

You think they're putting flags on the end of a tree? No, they're putting it on a metal pole. Yeah, the tree's not strong enough. Why metal? This matters to them. This matters. What did they used to do before metal was there? They didn't have flags.

Okay. They didn't have flags until the invent of metal. Yeah, no. The invention of stuff like gold and silver. When they invented those. When they invented metal. Beneath the earth. Yeah.

Jay, your list is probably humongous. i'm sure you've got some what are you like runner up like stop sign and uh sledgehammer uh-huh that's that's i mean yeah that's a lot is a sledgehammer 51 it was almost my pick yeah yeah yeah that's 51 metal by weight for sure okay by weight that's fair yeah um yeah i mean you got by weight you got uh all sorts of things yeah just so many you were probably gonna say like bullets and i no no i wasn't gonna say that i could have but i was that wasn't even on i mean it's so far down on my list of all the metal things that, you know, like aluminum and, you know, iPhone 15s. Oh, yeah. There's just metal.

The metal is all around us. Thank you. Pacemaker. Right. Is a pacemaker metal? I don't know. You can't, like, go to an MRI with this, I assume. Oh, that's a fair point.

All right. That's how most, he discovered most of the things that are metal by going to an MRI with this, I assume. Oh, that's a fair point. That's how he discovered most of the things that are metal, by going to an MRI with them. And then if they tell him to put it down, he's like, metal. I actually, so I spent years as a lover of magnets, and I just walked around and was like, what am I attracted to? It turned out, metal. Goodness gracious.

What did we learn today? Come now copper and zinc yeah no that's that's the big winner i mean jason didn't learn i learned that my friends are monsters yeah and they like to try to trick me but you can't trick a master of metal you know what else is metal was that quiet symbol at the top of the show for the draft we weren't even doing. You could have picked that. That is. I should have picked the symbol made out of metal. Metal. Thank you for tolerating us, those that listen out there.

Thank you, Al, for surprising Jason today. And another episode next week where I might take drums. Oh, you monster. Goodbye. That's fine. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. I did the scat. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

Keys, iron, golf clubs. I could go forever.