Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 283: Seat Jerks & Gifts to Give Your Enemies Kids - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Brand new Would You Rather, Life Advice and how to ruin your enemies life in a draft you don’t want to miss. Plus we deal with seat jerks, learn how valuable neck markers could be and more. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rat-a-dee-tat-tat, bing-bang, ba-doodle-dee-boom! Radity tat tat, bing bang, ba doodly boom. Why are noises just... I don't know, man. They're funny. Yeah, that's why we do it.

Jason's trying to rate myself. You're actually going to score it? I'm going to score it. I think that was an eight. I think that was actually pretty darn good, Andy. Did you like that I didn't end with my traditional? I was waiting for the boogie and then it was poon. I think I went poom.

Poom? I wanted to go boom, but, you know, things happen. It's too basic. You got to poom. We got to poom. Welcome into the Spitballers episode. I had to poom earlier. That's, you know, every day.

You're very regular. Thank you. This show is not very regular it's very strange and we have done 283 of them wow and for some reason today that number is hitting me like we're going to get to the point where there is a show that we have done for every day of a year like we're approached approaching, like 365, you can listen to the entire catalog. That's a lot of shows. That's a lot of really good shows. Yeah, spectacular content. Just real funny, real good advice.

Yeah, I mean, we teach a lot and we let people laugh. We have life advice on the show today. and we let people laugh. We have life advice on the show today. We are also actually drafting gifts to give your enemies children. Unlike last week. Well, I was pretty confident that's what we were drafting last week

and I got hoodwinked. We definitely are doing it this week. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now I'm worried. It's the more things that are metal draft. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now I'm worried. It's the more things that are metal draft. Oh, no worries. I'm on infinity lock with that. We have Would You Rather to start it off as well.

Please tell your friends about the show. That's the number one way you can help us grow. And 1B would be to leave us a review. Make sure you click that follow button on Spotify, on Apple, wherever you're listening. Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Braden from Patreon, would you rather be best friends with a famous athlete or a Hollywood celebrity? Hollywood celebrity. So perks wise, I think it's, you know, you're going to go to all the big games.

I think you can go to the, you can go to the parties. You can go to the, the fest. I mean the Hollywood celebrity to me, they get to go to every one of the big events. And that seems very fun. You know, you're going to be, you think a famous athlete wouldn't get invited? To the Oscars? No. I don't think you're a famous athlete that you're going to the Oscars unless you're dating one of the Hollywood celebrities.

I think you could. You can make it happen. That's just my guess. Like Michael Jordan could have gone to the Oscars. Oh, for sure. So if you're that famous. Yeah, but are you bringing your best friend? You know, if you're that famous, Yeah, but are you bringing your best friend? You know, if you're that famous, they're not bringing you.

Okay. I mean, your best friend? If you're the best friend of a famous person. Think about all the famous people at the Oscars. They're not there with their best friend. Right. They're there with whoever they're dating. But their best friends do go to the games.

For sure. So you got front row tickets and you're at every sporting event you can travel probably you probably get on the team plane you're not bringing who you're dating to the game you know what i mean you're bringing your best friend hmm i just like the idea of sneaking your best friend on the team plane if you're a best friend of a hollywood celebrity you are definitely getting some extra rolls oh that's a good point no that's not bread oh not extra rolls. Oh, that's a good point. Not bread. Not extra rolls, Mike. That was pretty bad.

That's not a good joke. You got to switch that thing or it's a failure. But you're probably in some movies. I think so. You're not getting in any. You get some bit parts. Yes, you are. You tell me George Clooney's best friend is not getting in a few things.

He's like, I'll do this. Hey, I want my buddy. I want my buddy to have some small role. Write him something. I feel like there's no way that doesn't happen. This has only worked for Adam Sandler. There's no way that doesn't happen. Yeah, I think it happens more than you think.

You know how many of Meryl Streep's friends are in movies? Big roles. But the people that you don't know, it's just like, oh, come to on set with me today and then you could be one of the extras okay yeah yeah or you're like an extra is like an actual part small role maybe one line yeah i'm gonna get a line out you're gonna get a line you're on the elevator and you got one line dude that's enough for me like i'm stoked i'm like really excited about this holly friend. Mike, where do you lean between these two? Are you on the athlete's line? I was trying to find a real true differentiator,

but I guess it does lean for what I would prefer, more on the side of the celebrity. I don't think you're getting parts, but you're definitely not getting them if your friend is the famous athlete with the celebrity i guess there's a chance i mean either one you're either let's say you're not you're not obviously participating in either but you're going to the set you're going to the production or you're going to the game which is more exciting for you the game see for me it's the set what about you and it's the game okay but here's the thing about humans that is annoying,

is that you're going to take these for granted really quickly. Yes. Like, it will be super cool to sit, like, courtside, because your best friend is an athlete. And then you're going to do it, like, five or six times, and then you're just like, this is what I do. Because we don't ever think things are cool after we do them a few times you ever had a meal and you're like i could eat this

every single meal yeah and then you eat it like four times and you're like i'm kind of done with it oh yeah the first time i went to a fancy steakhouse that was like wow why are people like now it's just like it's human nature steakhouse this is just human nature here one thing though famous, famous athlete, if you are getting the good tickets all the time, you could turn yourself into one of the fan celebs. Like you dress up. Yeah, like every game you go, you wear the bullhorns.

And it's like, oh, there's the bullhorn guy. You wear the bullhorns. And it's like, oh, there's the bullhorn guy. If this question was, you can be the world's most famous fan celebrity guy, or you could just not. I would definitely choose the not side. Like, I don't want. You don't want to be that guy? No.

When I see those. You don't want to be. Who's the Jets guy? Fire. No, I know. The fireman guy. Yeah. All of those. You don't want to be. Who's the Jets guy? Fire. No, I know. The fireman guy. Yeah. But I'm telling you. All of those people.

When I see those people, I don't think kind thoughts. I don't think. I don't see those people and think like, that dude's cool. I look at that guy and I'm like, oh, man. You could be starting the chance, man. J-E-T-S. That could be you. I could do it without the stupid get up too.

I don't know. When I see some super fans at these games, I'm embarrassed for them and their families. Yeah. And I tell myself I'm not like them, but I like sports. Yeah. I have to be like, is that me? Is that what I'm perceived as because I want to go to the game? Is that weirdo

i was wondering if if neither was an option for this best friends with neither might be the best case oh really no it's not i don't know man yeah no it's not well here's what i will say one final nuance if you're best friends with a famous athlete, their shelf life is shorter than the Hollywood celebrity. Fair. You talk about going to – you got maybe 10, 15 years into a career if you're lucky. A Hollywood celebrity could be a star from 20 to 75. I'm definitely doing the Hollywood star. Okay. That's far more fun for me.

I feel like we'd get along better. I don't want to feel – You're best friends either way but i don't want to feel so body shamed by the athlete it when i when when when me and my best friend athlete right walk into a restaurant it's not just like oh that's a famous person it's like what a short fat guy oh my gosh we have got to get this guy into a psychologist or something would you take any amount of pleasure after the athlete retires slowly transforming oh yeah your best friend from from a one percent body physique oh man i will ruin this guy i will ruin so you

you feel a lot better okay but what bet what? Baskin Robbins again. Come on, buddy. Let's go. You're not playing tomorrow. Come on. You feel better next to the kind of chiseled out of stone, perfect Hollywood actors? Oh, yeah. Those are the people you feel better standing next to?

Yeah, I do. They're not as superhuman. They're beautiful. I don't know how many athletes showed up on Sexiest Men People magazine. All right. Yeah, what if your buddy wins Sexiest Man? You don't want to be there. You don't want to be there.

My best friend is going to be a woman, so that's fine. Okay, fine. She wins Sexiest Woman. Either way, I'm just saying you're going to feel real inferior. Now he's just carving a different path. Damien from the website, would you rather settle every argument with a dance battle or with a freestyle rap battle? Ooh.

So wait, you actually- Are we good at either of these things? Ask yourself that question right now. No. I mean, this doesn't come with being- No, it doesn't. This is just who we are now. I like the world where any argument could be solved with one of these, and it's formal.

It's like in stone. It's the equivalent of going to a judge and having them formally decide a claim. No, we will hear from the defense. Okay, so let's play this out. The defendant has been served Is this actually won by a third party? An observer of the rap battle You don't need to know

No, it's not The universe we discovered can evaluate this And a little light You don't need it If you've ever participated in a dance battle or a rap battle You know Okay You know.

And it's just, be honest with yourself. I know which one of these I could win. Both parties have to be honest. I know which one of these I could win. Which one do you guys? I think you think you can win the dance one. You're darn right I could. You don't know why?

You're darn right. Because I've watched Jason, when he has to dance for a second, he has three or four things he used to do in high school that he goes right back to. He hits the- What classics do you got lined up? And the nice thing- He can show you.

I'm going to be spinning. I'm going to be twirling. I'll do jump kicks. It's a magic Chris Farley in a dance battle. He's going to win. This is not like, oh, my ballet. Yeah, this is not like, oh ballet sketch yeah this is not like oh what a talented technique you have this is how you are psychotic and making me laugh does the shirt

immediately go off or is that's the finale okay but it don't start there but yes you end shirtless every time i have ripped my shirt off on a Jumbotron once. And that's winning, though. And I won that Jumbotron moment. We just took a trip to Disney World. Okay. And there is. Speaking of.

No, just let me tell my story, man. I'm sorry. And there's a, one of the attractions is, it's a Monsters, Inc. comedy thing. And it's fun. They do, like, they have animations, but there's people doing the voices. So it's a fully interactive thing live with the crowd. Like a play type of thing. Yeah, it's not pre-recorded. But then before everything happens, they do, like, some funny crowd work where they just say a phrase,

and then they pick someone in the work where they just say a phrase, and then they pick someone in the audience, and they put a spotlight on them. And they did a, it was like, this man has an uncontrollable urge to dance. Boom, your boy ends up on the camera. And I did not disappoint. My man. I, my kids were.

Were dying? Oh, turtle shirt. I was the most embarrassed. Did you do the running Turtle shirt I was the most Embarrassed I was did you do the running man I was seated oh okay So right did I do the robot Of course I did well so you did the whole Day I did the robot I was doing The uh yeah the rolling arm yeah

Wave with the arms it was oh yeah it was seated It was so unbelievably Embarrassing for everyone in that room But they put me on the camera. That is awesome. And I came through. That is really cool. See, for me.

Very funny. I'm surprised we didn't hear about that already. For me, I have to jump around. I had to block it out. I had to jump around. I'm more of an out-of-the-seat type of dancer. But I don't think I could do it in the seat. Mike killed it in the seat.

You're not a torso upper body dancer? No, no. I'm all legs, brother. But the nice thing is, right now, you are seated, Mike. Right. And this guy has an incredible urge to dance. Oh, is it on my back up? Oh, yeah.

The spotlight. Where's my music? give him some music man this oh oh yeah oh beautiful it was that and it guys it got a big laugh it just it kept going oh no they didn't they didn't stop it oh it's like i am dancing what is happening with the lights he's got a permanent spotlight uh yeah i just i kept dancing and i'm like i don't got any more moves left we are five minutes into this like this joke is running scores did you have to repeat things yeah i only know all right so i look the the freestyle rap battle, the progressive terror of that is too high.

I'm going to go bird dance. I mean, I dance like a bird. I'm going to have to win with that. What do you think your win percentage will be? Over the course of your life, you're in dance battles. Just general public. 20%. I'll go 85%.

I give myself maybe 10 to 15. Okay. Very low odds. I did 20% because I figure one in five people will be too embarrassed to try. Okay. If they try, they win. All right. Lily from the website.

For a $25,000 prize, would you rather have to bowl a perfect 300 game or hit a hole-in-one on a 100-yard par three. You get one full day of unlimited attempts in either situation. It is quite easy for me. Yeah, this is super easy. It's the golf. It has to be the golf. I will make one over one day of hitting that many, guaranteed.

I will absolutely not. I will 100% not make one. I won't do either of these. I thought you guys were going to I won't do either of these. I thought you guys were going to say the bowling. That's impossible. No, that's not happening with a full day. That'll happen with a full year.

You could give me the full life. To bowl a 300 means you get – 12 straight strikes, right? 12 straight strikes. That is never going to happen. That's four turkeys. You could do this for weeks and you get 10 strikes in a row it then you start over it's not you it's not going to happen it's never going to happen do you understand how small a golf hole is i do but i i also know that just

one lucky shot one great perfect roll one placement is all it takes to complete to the end. Like, when I bowl, I don't usually get a strike. I would say I get a strike 10% of the time. Don't do that math. 10% times 12 needs or 12 possible strikes. That would never, ever happen. To do 12 in a row when I'm going to attempt. The hole-in-one will never happen.

I agree, Mike. I'm not telling you. This isn't me trying to claim I can land a plane because I can. This is me saying I have a better shot of the thing that if it happens one time, it's over and it's done. You can't do 12 in a row if you have a hundred yards you can dial that in with one club you will land on the green on every one of your hits pretty much this has never seen me golf i will only land on the green regularly by

the way i aim not for the green well so i'm taking that one, but I asked our good friend, artificial intelligence, to do the probability of throwing a perfect game if you throw strikes 10% of the time is approximately 1 times 10 to the negative 12 or 1 in a trillion. 1 in a trillion. So I'm going to just give me a trillion chances. But that's you right now. You will get better in a trillion. So I'm going to just give me a trillion chances. But that's you right now. You will get better in a day.

Yes. Oh, yeah, 100% in a day you'll get better. At the end of the day, I'm not going to be able to lift the bowling ball. If he's twice as good at the end of the day, he's throwing it 20% of the time. Yeah, do the math. It's not going to be one in a trillion. I feel like we could put you on a golf course and let you throw, do whatever you want.

Throw the ball. Roll the ball. You don't even need to use a golf club. All day, you're not making it in the hole. I'm making it in the hole. No, you're not. I guarantee it. I believe Andy would do it.

I'll make you a bet. You give me one day, you rent out one 100-yard par 3. Now, we have a golfer in the building. Inducers Alley, we've got the Falcon over here. The Falcon, you're a golfer. Please tell him to be quiet. Do you think I'm wrong? No, that's the right choice.

Okay, so that's the right choice. Do you think I would make one in over a whole day of just hitting 100? No? No, I don't think so. Yeah, you're not going to. First of all, speak louder. Second of all, I don't like you speaking, so don't speak at all. All right.

Have you ever done, you've never done like a lock-in or anything with bowling? Yeah, I have. And you didn't. You know how tired you're going to be? Yeah. You're not going to get it. By the end of the day, your arm will fall off. I mean, you're going to be tired golfing too.

Yeah. No, because I'm going to nail that in the first two hours. Okay. I've been, like, I'm not a great bowler. I want to prove this. But I've done these things where all of a sudden over the course of a lock in

I bowled like a 230 or something I know that's a far way away from a 300 but it's like you can get in an actual fugue state with this where each and every shot for the hole in the one is it's own independent thing

I have been in that state bowling, Mike, and I got like three strikes in a row, baby. I'm not close. It's not happening. I do think I could get it. I mean, my golf ball lands somewhere. My golf ball, every time I hit it, will land somewhere, and eventually it just has to land

in that small little hole yes it does that's all it is what do you mean no if my golf ball ends in that hole it's over it can't yes if that happens it will never happen i'm not sure about that logic jason what do you mean i mean the logic that I shoot a basketball, it has to land somewhere. Eventually, it will land in the hoop. I mean, that's not how. But the hole in golf is on the ground. So you're intimidated by the fact there's 12 consecutive. Yes.

Okay. Yeah, that's what it is. It's that. It's just like I could make a hole in one. I won't, but I could. That's the difference. I get it. No, I make. So, Mike, you're going bowling. I could not get a 300.-one. I won't, but I could. That's the difference. I get it. No, I make...

So, Mike, you're going bowling. I could not get a 300. Yeah, of these. Mike's going bowling. I'm going golf. Jason's going golf. We're taking a quick break, coming back with some life advice. Spitwads, I don't know if any of you are like me, but I used to be a child.

Certainly, I'm not anymore, but I used to do stupid things and think stupid things. Like for instance, I literally used to look forward to losing my debit card so that I would have to change it so that subscriptions would go away that I didn't know about. That was when I was a child and that was before technology caught up. And then I found Rocket Money. I have used Rocket Money for years and years and years before they were called Rocket Money, before they were sponsors of this podcast. It is an excellent, awesome, legitimate, amazing tool to help you find subscriptions that you don't even know you have or the ones you do and helps you cancel it. I couldn't believe when I first

started using it how many things that I was like, what did my kids sign cancel it. I couldn't believe when I first started using it, how many things that I was like, what did my kids sign up for that I didn't know about? That was like three bucks a month. I don't see that charge. Rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions and monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. It is awesome. Rocket Money has over 5 million users, has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when you're using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash ballers.

That's rocketmoney.com slash ballers, rocketm money.com slash ballers that's rocket money.com slash ballers rocket money.com slash ballers spitballers to the rescue i want to i want to figure i want to figure this out man you're still on the whole i want to do this i want to do it i want to figure this out man you're still on the whole I want to do this I want to do it but the problem is I don't think there are very many I mean I don't know anything about golf

you have a golf simulator in your house that's true but you could use the golf simulator no I want real world I want grass I want gravity I want none of this computer stuff i wouldn't trust it i want our 100 yard that's not very far three's no i know it's not are those do those actually exist are those common common uh yeah i think 100 yard par three is out there yeah i'm seeing a nod from our golfer we andy you and i we got to look into this we got to find a

way i want a day at a course i'm going to yeah We got to find a way to. I want a day at a course. I'm going to hit one. Yeah, we got to find a course that will give us a day at a hole. We need a lot of golf balls. Ooh, that's. Take them from the driving range. Absolutely. Yeah, we're good.

I really want to do it. According to the odds, an amateur golfer can make a hole in one on any given par three 12 500 to one that seems better than one in a trillion way better now i'm not an amateur but uh i will say that when you were reading that number i definitely thought it was going to be way lower by the way al says that means that would be nine balls per minute for the entire 24 hours to hit it on average but i'm better than it i'm better than that when i said i'm not an amateur i'm much better all right life advice ray from patreon my wife is an introvert and most of my friends are extroverts she don't like your friends

whenever i don't know what just happened was the big pregnant no i just might know ray uh whenever we meet up with friends they always do the arms wide hug greeting okay i know my wife hates this as she'd rather just wave well waving is would be weird uh face to face just get real close a close wave hello yeah what is the best way for a non-hugger to dodge the arm wide open awkwardness? It's a great question. There are good strategies here. There are? And I've used them.

Wow. Because in my mind, you just can't dodge it. You cannot be the reactor to the situation. You must be the initiator. You preempt the handshake? If you want to go handshake. Wave. If someone waves, they can then open their arms. That doesn't stop me from opening

my arms as a greeting. The greeting has only started with a wave. It's going to conclude with a hug if I'm an extrovert. That's the risk with the handshake. That could turn into a one-arm hug. Exactly. At worst, it's the side hug if it starts with a handshake. That could turn into a one-arm hug. Exactly. At worst, it's the side hug if it starts with a handshake. The side hug is what you have to go with. You have to make peace with the side hug.

If you are the person that doesn't want to be full-on hugged, you have to come in with a one-arm out side hug and live with that. You can't get away with a face-to-face. No, a face-to-face wave does not work. I like the really up-close wave. No, a face-to-face wave does not work. A face wave doesn't work. I like the really up-close wave. There is one other option. A kiss?

It's not a kiss. Just go for it. Ray should tell his wife there is one other option, and that is always bring too many goods to the party. There we go. Two bags full of things. Chips. I brought some chips and some wine.

I got these two big sacks. Otherwise, totally. And you do have to be holding them like this. You can't have them like, they can't just be a bottle of wine. Oh, you've got a giant teddy bear. There's a problem. Under your arm. There's a problem. Okay.

Okay. We have, okay, Josh is in the room. Josh, producer Josh, Papa Josh. Okay, Josh is in the room. Josh, producer Josh, Papa Josh. You think he's not swinging back around once you have placed your items down? What do you think? You think Ray's a hugger?

Do you think that huggers and non-huggers get married? I don't know that we will ever know. But, I mean, Ray, you got to tell your friends. That is another option. That one's not awkward at all got to tell your friends like this. That is another option. That one's not awkward at all. This way. Talk to your friends. Hey, my wife's not really into hugs.

Oh, you can't put the wife under the bus. This is you. Don't you dare hug my wife. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Now you are. No, you're putting a fracture into your relationship with your friends. Oh, I'm saying I get the physical contact, not you. Yeah, you know what?

That's inappropriate. You're out the friend group. If I tell you you can't hug my wife, I'm out your friend group? If you tell all your friends that, next thing you know, you're going to see photos on Instagram with all your buddies out having a great time going, wait. Where was my invite? No one told me about this. They'll be like, yeah, we'll catch you next time.

Tomorrow. More pictures. See, I just don't. Just tell your friends. Can it be wearable? Can there be a wearable? Is there something you can wear on your. Like a sign that says don't hug me?

I mean, I can't think of something, but like spikes. You know what I mean? Like you got a real spiky shirt. You don't want to hug this. I don't know. I'm just saying like the way that you have your hands full, but eventually you're going to put something down. Like the dog choker?

Like a porcupine outfit? Something that would. Like from Hot Topic. Stop you from hugging me because physically it's awkward or uncomfortable. If you are in a wheelchair is it less likely oh you're not doing a you're not doing a full that's a bend down hug right you're still getting a side hug uh you're getting a shoulder pat you were not that one got sweaty because it's so demeaning well it's not a pat on the top of the head yeah that's way more

that's the worst one. I would shoulder hug a person in a wheelchair. They're going to get a hug. They're not getting a hug. Yes, they are. I don't think. I'm not giving a full on hug to a wheelchair. I'm not either.

It's too awkward of a position. It's too awkward for the body, for the hugger. Nothing against the person in a wheelchair. It's a physical impracticality to give a full hug to someone in in a wheelchair how does a bunch of wheelchair people greet each other at a party high fives that's it right i do want to know maybe that's the appropriate time to you two can sit in this hole by yourself this is not a hole this is just logic you've just left the building we're just we're in logic building there's no way i mean it's so awkward because of the the levels yeah it's a level issue especially i mean you're tall mike that's now even bigger i'm thinking about it

in terms of like if i'm not part of it if like my nephew comes in to give me a hug and he's like six or seven he can hug like you can still hug a kid standing there, and it works, right? Yes. Even though you're standing up. You don't have to go bend down. But you don't have those kind of hugs with people in wheelchairs. Why? You can hug. Because there's distance.

Can you give a surprise hug from, like, back behind the wheelchair person? Yeah, I mean, you'd have to come up from behind. And that just doesn't work. I feel like you're under attack then. Yeah, that's why you don't do it. The key is a wheelchair, Ray. Yeah, I think so, Ray. Problem solved.

Break your wife's legs and help her out of this situation. She could just pretend. I don't think you need to actually break the wife's legs. Wait, if you're on crutches, no one's giving you a hug either, right? No, I'd give a hug. Not if they're facing outward crutches in front of you no yes i wouldn't also if they're holding in circles if

they're holding a gun and pointing it at you don't you dare i will not hug them um all right i think we offered tons of good practical advice there's at least some options Liz from the website needs life advice as well I'm surprised that two people need help today I don't handle flying very well and the only thing that brings me comfort

is sitting near the window that's my preference by the way on my last flight I was asked to trade seats with a woman so she could sit next to her husband and kid as i looked she was in the middle seat a few rows a middle is asking to trade how do you politely refuse without feeling terrible about yourself and i i did this you traded you traded in or you traded out I didn't trade you said no

oh you were asked you were propositioned I said no yes because you should say no I was put in the position where I was directly it was we were flying to Hawaii

and it was just two seats yeah they asked for you to change on a flight to Hawaii yeah it was two seats

no get out of here and then there were two in the middle and two on the side so there's two to two and They asked for you to change on a flight to Hawaii? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was two seats. No. Get out of here. And then there were two in the middle and two on the side. So there's two, two, two. And I'm on the window, and then the woman is next to me, and then her husband is one more over. So she wanted me to move to an interior aisle. No.

No. And I felt bad. Absolutely not. But I said a no. How did you do it? Did you just say no and turn your back on her? Did you make an excuse? Did you say, I'm sorry, I need the window?

I said, I'm more comfortable at the window. I'm sorry. That's why I bought this seat. That's all you have to say. Look. And to be honest, they messed up. It's on them. They messed it up.

Get your ticket sooner. 100% it's on them. Yeah. Get your ticket sooner. Like there are, there are definitely going to be times where if it's, if it is a, a child by themselves and a parent, okay,

you can get me on the heartstrings with that. But in this situation, they said that it was one of the parents was there and it would with the kids not alone. Yeah. They're fine. They're fine. Look,

I, I was properly prepared and I got the seat that I wanted to have. I am not giving it up to be really uncomfortable because you couldn't book your flight. I wonder what Liz did. Like for like is always a yes. Correct. If I need to change from window to window, aisle to aisle, so you could say, yeah. That's no problem.

I've seen people refuse that in person i'm like what it's a little strange like just just like just move well what if you what if you have a thing with your neck where you can only sleep to the left and you don't want to go over to the right you shouldn't be on this flight you should be the chiropractor that's that's that's a totally different issue but the i the audacity to me to even ask i if you are in a middle seat don't you dare you shouldn't be allowed to talk in your seat of shame you don't talk to a window okay not unless it's your relative who's on that flight with you you sit in that seat of shame because that's what you deserve that's what you got at your own fault and a window is a shameful

or a middle is a shameful experience i've sat in the middle before yeah it was shameful you didn't and you didn't talk no i sat in it i sat now i do have a important question that's been brought up what if it's a like for like trade but the passenger you're going to end up sitting by is not like for like oh that's not like for like oh man but the the worst part about that is you have to go take see backsies on that like as you're walking over well yeah you don't know yet you know what just kidding yeah i mean like let's say there are a couple aisles ahead of you and they're like oh i've got the i've got the window up there and my husband's here can i sit by you and you're like yeah and then you go and you walk up there and then it's like oh and then you go back and go i'm sorry so you say it's it slipped my mind but i can't do that

i just forgot just i just forgot to refuse earlier no you just go back you say ah the stewardess said i gotta stay in my oh yeah that's the flight attendant was like you you gotta sit where you sign seating my uh i checked my ticket is seven a oh i've i've never heard that excuse me uh uh sir did you yeah get get out get out of the. You go sit in your half seat. In your half seat. All right. But yeah, I mean, it's full class warfare on a plane.

What sucks is- Middles versus everybody. It's what you said. You said the audacity. I said no. How was the rest of the flight? But I felt bad for a little while. Yeah, how- For a little while.

Not for the whole time. On a very long flight. On a long flight. I only felt bad for 20 minutes so the question here is so how do you politely refuse without feeling terrible about yourself now we can tell you just uh do not act like you speak the language that they speak no no i'm i yeah then you can't order drinks you know what i mean that you need to not feel bad you need to make them feel bad that they would even ask you to do this how dare you yes whoa

hit him with that let's be like whoa are you are you joking you can't be serious yeah you gotta make them feel bad you put them in their place like we can't do that and just keep saying we can't we can't do that yes it is a it is absolutely that's the special sauce right there this plane we say we as a singular you say we can't do no i'm bringing them in oh absolutely they're part of this you know lady next to you is asking you said we can't do that i'm so sorry we don't break the rules you know would you would you mind switching we just can't we can't do that we can't do that i'm sorry we can't we we can't is it rude could you just say you you can't do that is it rude to just put the ear airpods in and then and then say you can't hear?

Now, I will say that that is a pro move. If you're a window, so Liz, you don't handle flying well, and the only thing that brings you comfort is sitting next to the window. Next time you get on that flight, you get in your seat, you put them cans on, and you stare out that window. There is no person more intimidating on a flight than mike right oh my gosh he gets on a plane mike has tattoo covered arms he is a you know he's a strong big man with a big beard with a grumpy face angry face and then he puts

his cans on uh-huh i mean there have i'm telling you this right now. There are at least 10 people in the life of Mike Wright that have held their bathroom break on a plane because they probably didn't want to interrupt Mike Wright and try to get by. There are people that might have busted kidneys because they

weren't willing to awaken Mike. And Mike also does the he closes his eyes. Because Mike's the aisle. Mike and I are both aisle flyers. You think I don't know what I'm doing? Yeah, no. You shut the thing down.

Yeah. I will have none of this on the airplane. I'm in my seat. If the plane crashed and someone needed help getting off the plane, they would not interrupt Mike on what he was doing to ask for help. That's, I don't know. Have we discussed the exit row? The help. I don't know. Have we discussed the exit row? I don't know if we have or not.

You have to stay in the exit row, right? No, no, no. I'm saying this whole thing where the plane when you're in the exit row and you're getting on or it's either when you're boarding the plane or on the plane. Someone will check in and be like, now you're in the exit row. Do you accept the responsibility? Yeah was like yeah what do you like what you could you

have to go to court or something no like we we found out that the person in the exit row was actually not very helpful yeah it's for them they said yes we have video they said yes uh get out of here it's for the it's for the airline to be able to say when no one could get off the plane no we, we checked. Yeah. He said he trained for this. We've talked about this before. He said yes. This still upsets me. Matt from the website has one more life advice question for us.

My girlfriend is a twin, and for the life of me, I cannot tell her apart from her sister. Uh-oh. Ooh. I know she expects me to know the difference, but I honestly don't. Magic marker. How do I go about greeting her or them without making the terrible mistake of thinking her sister is her? No, I'm telling you, it's a magic marker. What are you doing with the marker?

So I'm palming it, right? You don't know I've got a marker. You give your sweetie a hug or a kiss, and you just put a little mark on her neck. But that'll wash off. You've got to do it every couple days. Every couple days, you just give her a little mark right on the neck, and then you know. Can you suggest a new hairstyle?

So that is clutch. I have nephews, identical twin nephews. I've never been able to tell them apart. I don't see them super often. And so when I see that, I mean, I don't even try. I don't even try because it's impossible. You just hit them with the big dog? And they just came.

What's up, big dog? And one of them has long hair, and one of them has short hair now. Oh, which one's which? Dude, that's brilliant. And the dad was like, yeah, it's really helpful. The dad was like, we usually dress them. One is usually in blue. One is usually in green.

But that's just pro move. This whole conversation is very comforting to me because I think I've lived most of my life thinking that I'm the one that can't tell the difference between twins. They're identical. And other people can. No, difference between twins. They're identical. And other people can. No, they can't. They're lying. And I have heard that. Sometimes you can.

When you take twins home from the hospital, like it is actually a thing. You can confuse them and not call them the right name. And so they say they'll like nail polish on the toes. But it's like magic marker. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I was going Magic marker. I'm telling you. Yeah. I was going to go with a secret handshake.

But that would then, that'll give it away that you are getting it wrong. Yeah, you can't give it away. What? No. What? You go up, like if you're greeting them both at the exact same time, you walk up and you start doing the secret handshake and you see. To which one, Mike? You initiate and you see. To which one? To which one? Your secret handshake and you see which one mike you are you initiate and you see which

one your secret handshake is just broadened in general like it starts with your hand in the sky yes all handshakes start with the with the original to a person to a person yes i don't just person i don't walk up to two people and put my hand in the middle and say who wants to shake it no but i go up to one person and judging by how they start shaking my hand, I'll know right away. He's like, hi, girlfriend. Yes. Here's my firm, hearty handshake.

Normally you greet a girlfriend with a kiss. So, hold on. The handshake, but putting a marker. Marker is the answer. You know, it's like, oh, these are so funny. Dude, I'm telling you, Matt, this is the answer. Just give them a precious piece of jewelry they'll never take off. Oh, wow.

That's a pretty good answer. It's got to be a necklace. Or a ring. A ring would probably be better. A ring would be better. Because I think the necklace, even a precious necklace comes off sometimes. But I don't think a precious ring does. Yeah, but hands can be in pockets.

That's true. that's true that's true it's a precious uh monocle ah i if you love me you'll always use your monocle honey you ever thought of getting a grill a really nice golden oh you could chip her tooth well i would rather just use magic mark nicely on her neck that means you act like you have now turned the magic marker on the neck into a reasonable answer you're putting you're marking her neck with a marker yeah yeah you got to go full throat tattoo? Well, probably not. You'd be like, hey, let's go get matching throat tattoos, and then you go first. And then when it's my turn, you're like, I can't get it right.

Somebody has done that before. Somebody out there has had a pledge to get neck tattoos with their friend, chickened out after the first person got them, and there's nothing you can do? You can't force a tattoo. That's a great piece of life advice. If you ever go into a tattoo parlor with any group of friends,

it's either the same time or you go second. Yeah, no, that's pro tip. I still think that, you know. All right, yeah, we've got ideas. I'm going to leave it there. Quick break, back with the draft. Yeah, we've got ideas. I'm going to leave it there.

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any annual membership at masterclass.com slash ballers. That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash ballers, masterclass.com slash ballers. The Spitballers Draft. Well, Jason, surprise. We are drafting gifts to give your enemies kids on today's show. I am prepared for weeks on this. No, so we, you know, you've got an enemy,

and you're going to give their kid a gift, and it's given with the intention of causing havoc for your enemy. And so. It's a real gift, but they're not going to like it. So they're going to get a, I mean, my number one pick. I'm going to have to go with it. Showing up at their door for my enemy's kids. It's a brand new, highend loud drum kit yeah they're all loud it's a drum kit well not that it's not one of the electronic ones you can like plug in

acoustic drum set acoustic drum set yeah it's um it's it's the it's the 101 that was what i scattered last week when we were supposed to do this. Oh, were you going to take it? I was going to take a drum kit. Okay. All right, Mike, you're up. Extra cymbals on that kit. Yeah. A drum kit of all cymbals. Yes, that's right.

All right. I am going to introduce this child. Look, as you get older, you want to be taking care of yourself and you want to smell good oh i'm gonna give this kid big can of axe body spray oh yes oh that's funny yeah they'll overuse that a little bit oh just a little bit yeah you put something kids and aerosols are just they're just cool anyways right i think that's the whole reason banaca was popular when with kids is just the container so yeah axe body spray house nice that entire house will be smelling of just yeah just just a smarmy man for at least a couple

days that's funny axe body spray very nice all right so i am up um i'm gonna give the gift that you can't get rid of and that is oh okay a bearded dragon it's a it's a bearded dragon you're gonna you gotta clean this thing's poop you gotta try to keep it alive you gotta it does nothing it gives nothing back you can't get rid of it um man i hate our beard dragons he still got rid of it i genuinely thought you were gonna say pepper oh my my dog no i was able to get rid of pepper but you still have the bearded dragon yeah i will have it until it dies eaten i got him to eat a worm the other day nice he is this is your bearded dragon so this is my bearded dragon if you weren't around the dragon dies i don't think it can man i really don't we've tested it's just it doesn't need to eat that's for sure it's anorexic or something it's got its own issues um all right i am back a dragon i'm gonna give

this kid um exactly what he wants when he opens this he's gonna love it he's gonna be thrilled but i can't stand when my kid gets anything like this i am getting 100 worth of candy oh yeah you're gonna open up oh yeah box of a box of sugar oh my gosh just candy uh chocolate gummies the worst just so much sugar so much candy so i mean have fun little squirt go go hog wild uh enjoy yourself man this is your birthday that is a gift for your enemies yeah which is so strange because all the grandparents seem yes to do this yes the grant but we are enemies to grandparents i've learned grandparents extended family oh they just buy your kid candy. And your kid knows. Your kids forget tons of things. What they do not forget is an itemized list of the candy that they receive on Easter Sunday. I know

every single piece that I have and what piece I have eaten. And they're in every day. How about I have some of that candy? Yeah. No, candy. It's the worst. Kids really like to receive it, and it's a really mean thing for the parents. All right, Mike, you're back up. All right. So I have the Axe body spray, and we're going to go next with, I'm trying to remember the name of it. Do you guys remember that the the the electronic fish that sings oh the bass the bass yeah the bass but it's like motion detected yeah and every time you walk by

it just sings yeah what why did that thing exist why did that happen completely somebody's a millionaire because of that big Big Mouth Billy Bass. There, Billy Bass. Yeah, that's the one. Big Mouth Billy Bass. Does it say what he would sing? Two songs. Take Me to the River.

That's right. Take me to the river. And then Hutton Fishing and Loving Every Day. Those are the two songs. That's a good one. Just be like man i can't wait to be back and see this three stars on amazon how dare you it's all it's probably two and a half because it's one stars and five stars depending on who bought it versus who received it

there's somebody in a really nice house somewhere and they go how did you what did you do for a living and he said i invented billy big male billy bass do you think that person's really nice home beautiful oh it has a cabin mansion oh it's all over oh yeah every room just has a dozen take me to the river all right um back to me yep all right so i've got the drum set and look you're giving it to your enemy's kids. The kids don't own the house. Your enemy owns the house. Right.

Kids live in the house. Kids cause problems in the house, which is why I'm giving this child, I'm giving him a glitter bomb. Oh, dude, that was my next pick. Was it really? My next pick was a glitter gift set. Yeah, a glitter bomb is perfect because the kid's going to think it's amazing and cool. The kid might not have any problem with

what happens when you open it up. But a glitter bomb, that is my number two pick. Have fun, enemy. And then, why not? Why not? You know, sometimes you get a gift and you

don't really want to spend up. You don't want to spend the money. I'm spending up. Oh, that's to spend the money. I'm spending up. Oh, that's very nice of you. I'm going to take my savings and I'm going to buy the best karaoke machine that has ever existed. Yeah, that with the drums. Oh, yeah. They're going to have a blast.

Use them together. I'm going karaoke machine. Get your friends over and just have a party. When you turn it on, you can't turn it down enough so that's the plan uh mike you have axe body spray and a singing bass plaque that's billy yeah billy bass and um you got another pick uh and it ain't a glitter bomb yeah i really wanted to get that one. But I am going to buy the young chap. Look, in these times, right, I mean, we all want to find different ways to save money

and taking care of yourself. What if there was just like a self-haircutting situation for old young Billy Bob over there? Like, hey, bro, just take care of your hair so you're just getting them a like a barber set yeah just a head some some type of hair cutting maybe maybe a beard trimmer yeah that's good that's not gonna end well i mean it's it's a little more of attack on the child but well i Well, I got a better attack on the child. Okay.

I'm going right after this kid. And, you know, because... Poor kid. Well, my enemy loves him. And so, you know, the friend of my enemy is my enemy. Wait, is that right? Sure. The friend of your enemy.

The friend of my enemy would be my enemy. I don't know, man. I'm so confused. is correct yeah yeah the enemy of my enemy is my friend is actually correct so the friend of my enemy is my enemy oh my goodness it all works the logic is perfect all right what are you getting this poor child this poor child is gonna get a gift that they are going to love until the inevitable. I'm getting him a pogo stick. Oh, yeah, baby. You're trying to hurt the kid? I'm getting him a hospital trip.

Look. So you're getting your enemy a hospital bill. A hospital bill is what I'm getting them. Yeah, pogo stick in parentheses hospital bill. That's congratulations. Those are pretty dangerous. Billy, maybe you get some crutches too, but I'm only buying the pogo stick. Way cheaper for me, not for my enemy.

Wow, you're very cruel. What are you talking about? Poor kid. Kid's going to love getting a pogo stick. My kid's jamming out on the drums. He's loving his life. It's an active gift. It're very cruel. What are you talking about? Poor kid. Kid's going to love getting a pogo stick. My kid's jamming out on the drums. He's loving his life. It's an active gift. It's about health.

Get out there and get healthy. Maybe you'll become like some halftime show. Play 60. Yes. Some pogo stick champion. All right. And then the last thing, this has kind of gone out of fashion a little bit. I'm hoping to bring it back with this child.

A couple years ago, this was the rage. This was all the rage. My daughter was so into it. Every kid was so into it. Oh, wait. It's gone now? It's not as popular. It was wildly popular.

I am getting this kid a DIY slime slime i nothing dude nothing ruins things like slime why does every kid have to have a slime face i don't know but not slime is like you play with it right you you you stretch it it's cool you drop it on the table. It cleans right up. Everything is fine. There are some materials. There are some things. You get it on this couch or this shirt or something. I don't care what you do. You can't burn it off. That slime is now a chemical part of that new object,

and it will create problems, make messes, and ruin objects. That sounds like a problem. So you went with bearded dragon way too much candy a pogo stick slash hospital bill and a do-it-yourself slime kit yes and the thing about the slime is it now became a thing where it's okay i make slime you're like okay what are you going to do with that? Nothing. I'm actually going to make more slime now. Yeah. This is all we do. I'm just jarring slime. That's all I do.

The playing with slime is making more slime. When I was a kid, it came in a little plastic bucket, and we made it fart. Yeah, that's all you did. For 10 minutes, and you were done with it. Yeah, you're like, okay, I don't need this anymore. What did we have? We had Silly Putty. Silly Putty.

Silly Putty. Is that still a thing? I'm sure it still exists, which is awesome. It went done with it. You're like, okay, I don't need this anymore. What do we have? We had Silly Putty. Silly Putty. Is that a thing? Silly Putty, yeah. Is that still a thing? I'm sure it still exists, which is awesome. It went out with newspapers. Yeah, it feels like it. Oh, yeah, you used to. I mean, that was half of what you did, right? Yeah, yeah.

You put it on newspaper and you peel it off and the ink comes off. Mike has Axe Body Spray, a singing bass plaque, and a haircutting clippers. And I will be jumping in here with, I was trying to think of something that could be noise pollution as well to go along with Andy's drums. And I think it's got to be the bagpipes. Because the bagpipes, like here's the thing, the bagpipes at their best still sound.

That's awful. Still sound a bit like a dying cat. I'm not saying I have not been like, be like, hey, sweet, some bagpipes. That sounds good over this. But in general, if you're a really good bagpipe player, it's not the best. Learning how to play the bagpipes, it's the worst.

Okay. That's a great pick. It wasn't on my list. It should have been. I'm going to close out my list with a talking parrot. Oh. The kid will love it. Talk about a thing that will never die.

Those things live like 80 years. Yeah, they do, right? They live a long time. They usually outlive you. And they can repeat what mom and dad said in private that's the scariest part that's what are you a parrot or a rat all right uh what about the uh that's the end of our draft i had the drum kit glitter bomb karaoke machine and the talking parrot what are some of your some last things on the list i had uh a vuvuzela yeah i was going didgeridoo which is better i i couldn't figure out how to

get it exactly because like i think you only have for toddlers but squeaky shoes that's funny pack of whistles uh kinetic sand uh similar problems yeah it just gets everywhere yeah it does if you don't have a if you don't have a home base for it and i joke about the bearded dragon the way worse gift i i got the bearded dragon because i have to live through it but if you get any kind of gerbil hamster yes gerbil hamster ferret any any one of those things. They smell so bad. Oh, ferret would have been good. Oh, ferrets are the worst. Those things are just, that's a smell.

It only smells like a ferret. It's so bad. What did we learn today? Josh is coming in in defense of ferrets. What are you doing? The animal might be awesome, but its smells are not awesome Yeah there's no one that likes the smell of a ferret Yeah I'm not saying

That it wouldn't be fun to watch a ferret And now Al Borland Loves ferrets too What is happening? I'm going to get you a ferret For you two that love ferrets How many ferrets you got Josh? I don't have any anymore How many ferrets you got, Josh? I don't have any anymore.

Okay, how many ferrets you got, Al? Same. We had two growing up, but I've got zero now. You love them so much you don't have any. Wait, wait, wait. You had ferrets when you were children? I did. He said he had three. I had two. I had them as an adult. You purchased it? Yeah. Alright, I'm telling you right now,

either of you want to take me up on this, I will buy you a ferret. Yeah, like, you love fer take me up on this, I will buy you a ferret. Yeah. Like, you love ferrets. Oh, my God. I will buy you a ferret. You loved it so much as a child. Think of all the memories that you made. Would either one of you like me to buy you a ferret?

A free ferret. Free ferret. You're depriving your child of ferrets. A free ferret. Right now, you know I'm honest. You know I mean this. I will buy you a ferret right now if you want one. Or, Papa Josh.

Are they not as cool as you thought? Your answer. Would you like to buy a ferret like to receive a gift right right to receive it put put it put it on deuces alley cam oh yeah no problem all right papa josh would you like to a free ferret purchased by me no okay uh owl i i just got a new dog so so you would we're good right now yeah exactly this is. This is outstanding, Jason. Well done. Thank you. What I learned today is that both those guys are liars about ferrets,

and we'll leave it there. Thank you for joining us on the Spitballers, where we all hate ferrets equally. We'll catch you next week. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. We'll catch you next week.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.