Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 284: Double Knots and Wild Party Favors - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

On this hilarious episode, we argue over lightsabers vs phasers, get down and dirty with the double knots, play another round of Guess, Guess, Goose, and draft the wildest things to walk into a room with. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, bro. What happened at the end? You hit the ground. That was the Blonk? You hit the ground.

B-L-O-N-K, Blonk. That's very onomatopoeia for comic books. I liked it. I mean, it was just a funny, hardcore ending, man. In my mind. And I don't know what you were doing. I don't know if you know what you were doing. I don't know if you know what you were doing. I don't know what I was doing either, man. But in my mind, there were like little laser guns.

Yeah, that's what I heard. Like, yeah. Yeah. Pew, pew, pew, pew. And then it was bonk. And then bonk. That was the big laser gun. Oh, that's a cannon.

That's a laser cannon. You know that someone at one point had to decide, what does a laser gun sound like? And now we're all just like, oh yeah, no, laser guns go pew pew pew pew. Because they don't exist, someone did have to decide. Oh my gosh. I'm just saying, so Blanc is just in the... Maybe they Blanc. Laser guns don't exist.

No. They don't actually make a real sound. I have never thought about that. Because I know the sound that a laser gun makes. They could have been anything. Pew pew pew. Welcome to the Spitballers episode 284. That's literally blowing my mind that this is a made up sound that we all agree upon, but it might not sound like that.

If they ever make a laser gun. I think I could argue against that. How so? They don't have to exist for that to be the right sound. No, I'm not saying it couldn't be. We don't know that it is. But I'm just saying there's lots of things in movies and television that get invented, and the first person to invent them makes up what they sound like,

so you do set the precedent. Like somebody somewhere was the first person to think of a laser gun, and if they're the ones that decided pew, pew, pew was the sound, that's the sound, baby. Yeah. laser gun and if they're the ones that decided pew pew pew was the sound that's the sound baby yeah but i mean the sound the first book about wizards and they decide what a what a you know a wand sounds like they get to decide but lasers are real and laser guns could become real like that could actually be a real invention and then they're and they sound like this here the current sound of a laser ready yeah

i'm doing it right now you know they don't light they don't hum i mean late uh lightsabers lightsabers have a sound they don't really exist that's the same yeah but those will never exist how do you know how dare you? What do you mean? Yes, they will. Like a laser beam exists. People have made lightsabers. No. No. Not real lightsabers. Yeah, they cut stuff.

No. Yes, they have. No, they have not. Yes, they have. Look at Papa Josh. He's nodding. They have made like handheld sort of a lightsaber. It's not a lightsaber.

It's not even close to a lightsaber. It's more like a torch in your hand, like a welding torch. You're telling me that it's not even close to the thing that you don't know what it is and hasn't been invented. It has like a mass to it, and it can go right through a metal door. I know what it can and can't do. Papa Josh, would you like to speak on this with any authority? You're both kind of right yeah like super yeah super heated light does not exist but people have made lightsabers that look and kind of act like a lightsaber but they're usually used doesn't doesn't look like it thermal heat and stuff like that it doesn't look like it the

the it tapered it tapers off at the top where a lightsaber will be the same exact color from bottom to top you're talking about the hypothetical made up never existed lightsaber will be the same exact color from bottom to top. You're talking about the hypothetical made-up, never-existed lightsaber, right? Yes. They have made plasma lightsabers. That's the one I had seen. If they have made a plasma lightsaber, I need to hear it. I need to hear, does it go... Nice.

Mike, do that again. That's good. Nice. Or is it more like fire? Does it sound more like oh the crackle i gotta i gotta hear this like a ham radio um all right we've got would you rather guess guess goose and a draft on the show today that's right guess guess goose makes its return because it does let's kick it off

Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Ethan from the website, would you rather have to get off than back on the highway at every off-ramp or stop and untie and retie your shoes every time you pass through a doorway? What if I got slip-ons? and retie your shoes every time you pass through a doorway. Well. What if I got slip-ons? Yeah, I mean, I'm straight up flip-flopping for life at this point. Flip-flops. No, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to do that. You have to. You can't tell me what I get to wear. No, no, I'm trying to make sure. Yes, we do in this joke. So slip-ons and flip-flops, you have to take them off and then put them back on. No, you have to tie your shoes, man.

You got to wear shoes and tie them and untie them. Okay. So you always have tie shoes. I mean, that'd be like, yes, because otherwise I'm going to say, well, there are no off-ramps on this highway, so I never have to get off. I haven't tied shoes or untied shoes in as long as I can remember. I'm sure they came untied once. What are you talking about?

You wear Nikes. I wear them every day. I wear tie shoes. For the most part, I don't untie my shoes. Do you untie and tie your shoes? If they come untied, yeah. I double knot those suckers. You double knot?

Oh, I have to double knot. You're a grown man. You're double knot those suckers. So you're just saying. You double knot? Oh, I have to double knot. You're a grown man. You're double knotting your shoes. Every shoe I have worn in my adult life is double knotted. Or do you still go loop, swoop, pull. No, I do the bunny ears, man. I go two

loops. No, you do not. Oh, yes, I do. I go two loops. You go bunny ears and double knot. Brother. I go bunny ears and double knot. Brother, I go bunny ears and double knot. This is surprising to you guys. Yes, yes. This is so on brand for me. Because we are distinguished middle-aged gentlemen.

We don't bunny ears our shoelaces. And double knot. Look, I'll double knot. Occasionally, they make shoes that have a certain type of shoelace that comes undone very easily on a single knot and i'll double knot that hold on hold on let me check my shoes no owl is in our chat single knot owls in our chat saying i thought everyone double knotted no yes no you should why not triple knot because the double knot works if if a double knot didn't work i would triple knot but you can't triple why are you not a double knot yeah this If a double knot didn't work, I would triple knot. But you can't triple knot a double knot.

Yeah, that's popping into my head too. Why don't you buy those? They sell those laces that have no- The elastic ones? Yeah, the elastic ones that stretch. Oh, you'd have to put them on. That seems like too much work. Yeah, I don't want to lace the shoes.

I hate when you buy new shoes and they don't come laced. I hate it. You hate it, huh? I hate it so much. You need to live in another country we have our next guest guest goose question that we got to poll people for which is how much do you double not do you double not as an adult do you double not your shoes save that for the next one i think jason's going to post it right now i gotta i gotta know. I would say double-knotters are about the 30 percentile.

I think they're going to be 55 percent. You're going majority? Yeah, I am. No way. There is no way. I cannot accept this. Step one, say something ridiculous. Step two, assume the world is ridiculous with you.

Yeah, Josh, I'm with you. If I am playing sports sports i'm willing to double knot you never double knot any of the others no like am i just walking around no because i have self-respect no i i like i said there are certain laces they're the thin laces yes and they will come undone and i will i will tie them again okay i will say i apologize my shoe has come untied i use a shoe horn yeah you know and i use a shoe mountain yes this like it's the size of your arm you have an industrial strength like he has a shoe horn like caterpillar makes you can use it standing up oh yeah this is not the when i say like it's crutch length when i say it's the length of your arm i do not mean from

your elbow i mean from your shoulder to the ground. I can just stand up and put my shoe on so easy. That thing is double knotted, never coming unknotted. You can't take this doorway one because if I'm making you actually put the shoes on, this is a nightmare. That is out. You'd have to bring your shoehorn with you everywhere. Do you have like a holster for it?

Oh, yeah. That thing would just be hanging off my belt. horn with you everywhere i like a like a like a do you have like a holster for it oh yeah that thing would just be hanging off my belt oh he has two of them on the back and he pulls them out like donatello swords i whoa whoa whoa but that wouldn't oh sorry leonardo goodness my bad my goodness yeah to be fair i would not need those in this situation where i have to untie and retie the whole point of the shoe horn yeah is I don't untie. When my shoes come untied, do you want to know what I do? Cry? Call somebody?

Throw it away? I take them off. Thumbtack? I put them on the counter. And you tie them? And I tie them. No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do, brother.

No, you don't. 100% true. That's where I tie my shoes. I don't tie them when they're on the feast. It's not a simple just stop, tie your shoe. It's a whole thing. No way, man. So I'm getting off the freeway.

Self-respect. Where has it gone? I'm telling you. Oh, baby. As an adult, do you double knot your shoes? Currently 131 votes. It's early. Yeah, that's nothing. 55%. Oh, baby. As an adult, do you double knot your shoes? Currently 131 votes. It's early.

Yeah, that's nothing. 55% yes. That's nothing. 130 votes. You made it. How many of his followers are Jason? I am a lot of my listeners spirit. I'm pulling the deuces. Al?

Yes, he does. I'm a double nodder um josh only if i'm playing sports so sometimes and then uh matt never double knot yeah you're a kid you can still reach your feet he's still using the i think i think adults really need to double up more than children children still need to learn how to tie so j it's shrinking. It's down to 52 for you. Okay. But still, the majority is in the yes. All right. Well, look, I... We know who's on Twitter right now. It's the double nodders.

We will rise up. I have no problem with the off-ramp one. I'll just finalize that. That'll work. I mean, I... There's advantages sometimes. I might avoid some traffic. Exactly.

Yeah. I've done it to avoid traffic before. might find yourself in more sure i bet yes if you exit the freeway more like just every time your waiting goes way up oh of course it goes from zero how does jason not just wear crocs every day i'm shocked well remember i used to wear flip flops every day like that was why'd you stop self-respect oh crocs is where we draw the line i just not a big old giant double knot i realized that i can wear nice jordans and i still don't have to tie them if i have an arm length shoehorn it's wonderful man i solved the problem is this uh it's i don't know do we still have probably it's probably do

we still have one here three or four feet uh we might we might have one in the bathroom do you have how many places do you need them i've got one every put some shoes wherever i put on shoes i've got one at the pickleball palace yeah i got one at home no i got two at home just in case back up just in case yes well one is plastic for travel. Take this with me on the road. Does it fold? No, but if I- How do you put this in a suitcase? If I've got the full-size luggage, it can go corner to corner.

It's like a golf bag that gets brought on a plane. Yeah, I'm bringing golf clubs just so I can sneak my shoe horn. All right, I guess- Do we have one? No? No, we didn't have one. I've had it here before, but I've got to order a new 12 pack. Got to raise the ceilings.

All right. Peter from the website, would you rather have to audibly mumble absolutely everything you read? So, you know, you're reading a book, you're reading an email, you're reading a text. You're reading a sign on the freeway. You've got to audibly mumble. Or not be able to ever reread or re-watch anything i don't see the big deal with mumbling no oh no no i don't have to i don't get to read that book again now to be fair i have reread harry potter like three times this series so you're you're done now do that yeah i am the whole idea of book buying is funny i know it's been brought

up a million times before but the idea you buy a book you read a book then you put it on your shelf so you can say it's like basically a testament to the book oh it's a trophy it's a trophy yeah it graduates i mean really from a book to a trophy every single book oh it's a trophy it's a trophy yeah it graduates it graduates from a book to a trophy every single bookshelf in every house in america should have underneath it please take any of these books that you want because if you come to my house i'm not rereading the book so you should take it home with you you should just steal my books i don't believe for one second when i see a bookshelf that those books have been read when i go to someone's house and i see a bookshelf that those books have been read. When I go to someone's house and I see a bookshelf, I go, you've read two of these. And it's a fully stocked bookshelf.

It looks so nice. It's like, you haven't. Don't you dare. These are fake trophies. I've thought about it. Those books should be hollow. They don't need. How much cash is in that bookshelf?

They do sell those. Yeah, of course. I mean, they sell just show books that you just set up there. That's what I would get. And then when you open it up, it's just got headphones inside so you can listen to it. Is mumbling everything you read really a big problem? It will be really annoying for everybody around you. I mean, where do I read?

I read, like you said, like I'm obviously, I read the show doc here. So that's, maybe that could be a problem. Your emails, your text messages. Yeah. I mean, internet. If you pull out your phone with a text next to someone and you're going, they're going to, huh? What?

Like, they're going to think that you're trying to read the text. Browsing Twitter, Jason? Oh, man. You're mumbling at all yeah it would be awful but how how loud i mean it doesn't have to be loud right just like but that's part of the problem is when you are around other people and you're mumbling they think people think you're trying to talk to them you're why are you mumbling i will say that i will say that i've gotten to the age and the busyness

level where I mumble anyways that no the opposite where the idea of re-watching something and rereading like I don't have time for that I've seen it I love it I'll give it an A plus and every now and then like I did watch Dune a couple times that was that was nice but I would I would be fine I think I would be 100% fine never re-watching or re-reading anything. I think that would be, in today's culture, a perfectly fine one to accept. That will be my vote because I don't want to do the mumbling. I have self-respect. That will be torturous, or I won't ever read anything ever.

Maybe that'll be good. Maybe I'll just go out and farm the land or something or I won't ever read anything ever. Maybe that'll be good. Maybe I'll just go out and farm the land or something. I don't know. But I was curious. I did throw my own poll up on Twitter. But, you know, first of all, do you have a bookshelf in your house? Yes. Yes.

Okay. Deucer's Alley? Yes. Okay, everyone's nodding. I have one myself. And then four options. What percentage of the books in your own bookshelf have been read by you? So 0% to 25%, 25% to 50%, 50% to 75%, 75% to 100%.

What percentage? I'm going to say 70% or 0% to 25%. What are you? Oh, I'm 0% to 25% for sure. I think I'm 25% to 50%. I mean, to be fair, most of the books on my bookshelf are children's books. Okay. You're 25 to 50, Mike?

Yeah, I think so. What about you, Deucer's Alley? I'm zero to 25. Okay. 100% for me. 100% of the books in your house? Yeah. Like, I buy a book, I read it, I stick it on the bookshelf.

You said in our Slack, who buys books to not read them? Let me be very clear just so you understand how that happens lots of people they don't buy them to put them on the bookshelf for for the record they buy them to read them they just don't or they start them and don't finish them or they go to the bookstore and they buy like three or four and you're like these books look great then they go home and read one of them and then they just don't read there and i'm seeing nods yeah everybody except for Mr. 100% over there. The percentage of books I've started and not finished is much higher.

Yes. Okay. Josh, you ever see a video game deal and you're like, oh, I'm going to buy that. And then you never play that game? We're not talking about that. This guy plays video games nonstop. No, no, but I promise there's still games that he has bought and never played. Very true.

It's the exact same thing because you intended to play it, and then you ran out of time. And Falcon, what percentage of books in your house have you read? About 5%. About 5%. The current is the leader is the 0% to 25%, but it's only at 34%. What makes the most sense to me looking at your poll is it's like the two leaders are either you've read very few of

them or you've read all of them yeah the joshes and the rest of us all right um so are you going with the not be able to reread rewatch like i guess so i just i did realize that could become a problem when uh i like uh many people of our, I learn how to do things on YouTube. And if you're telling me I can't re-watch my tutorial video, it's going to be a problem. No, I have to switch. You're mumbling? Recipes. Oh, yeah.

I've been cooking a lot. I love cooking. You better memorize this. I don't. You've got to memorize it one pass through? I'm going to ruin dinner every night. Oh, so you're switching to mumbling i have to otherwise i can't cook i don't i'm not like i i get a recipe and i follow the recipe and i reread that thing about 700 times i'm in the middle of cooking and i've read it 20 times and i'm like i don't know what's next i can't possibly

remember well it looks it looks like they snuck another would you rather in. Griffin from Twitter. Yeah, Griffin might not exist. Would you rather own a lightsaber or a phaser? This was in the doc before we started this conversation. Is that why you made the sound at the top? It could be.

Subconsciously? Yeah, I didn't make an active choice. Griffin does exist. Would you rather own a lightsaber or a phaser? We talked about the top we might as well debate it now this is i have an important question okay but just to clarify i was just going to say that that on the surface that like for most nerds you're like this isn't even a question it would be lightsaber right yeah most nerds but once you start actually thinking about it, I believe this is a very very difficult choice. Here's a question. Is the phaser set to

stun? You can. That's exactly part of it. I can kill with my phaser, but I can also just knock people out. This is not a... Excuse me. Get out of the way. Because of our conversation earlier, I was thinking of a laser gun.

But this is a Star Trek phaser. Oh, okay. With the solid beam. Dude, I could. Was that the phaser? No, I just made it up. The setting to stun is amazing. Yeah.

I mean, I could. What if I'm trying to take a nap? I could guilt-free stun anyone. There's no. Anything. Animals. Like, oh, check this out. Boom. Stun. You're fine. You're anyone. There's no ring. Animals. Like, oh, check this out. Boom, stun.

You're fine. You're fine, but I had fun. I'm just going out target practicing. I mean, that's pretty cool. If Jason had tranquilized her gun in a forest and he's set. I mean, let me ask you this. What's the recovery process on a stun from the phasers? I don't think I've read the medical journals on that.

You wake up well-rested. Oh, yeah, you do. Yeah, you feel just fine. Do you have a mark on your skin? Nope, no. No little singe? Nope. No evidence of where they phase?

You don't even know where you are. If you got phased from the back, you have no idea. What if you take it in the eye? What if you take it in the system? Ooh. You get phased in the eye? You could have a retinal problem. Yeah, I mean, there are limitations, obviously.

So be careful. But can you stun yourself? Is that allowed? Like to go to sleep at night? See, this is why there has to be some side effect. There's nights you just can't fall asleep. Unisom or... No, I'm going with Sun Gun.

Hey, sir. So the lightsaber would be amazing to show off. No question. And the problem is, is the lightsaber, what it can defend against is laser blasts. So a standard military-grade weapon probably obliterates me. Also. Not to mention I will decapitate myself. I was going to say, well. Over under one and a half days

before you have one arm remaining. Me or somebody that wanted to borrow it to try it out, yeah. Yeah, it's certainly dangerous. It's certainly dangerous. You can have a lot of fun. Give me that sound again. Dude, I can...

Something like that. Nice, nice, yeah. There's going to be a lot of problems with a lightsaber. Yes. I feel like my house will be in. It's just burn marks. It'll be a rubble by the end. Just accidentally.

Is there a. I don't think it'll be. Is there a safety on a lightsaber? We'll say there is. Yeah. I don't think it's an accident. I think if I had a lightsaber, I would have to put it through things. I just think it'd be too cool.

I'd be like, I'm going to decorate. I'm going to decorate. I would, like, decorate my doors with cool cut lines. Be like, this door has, like, it's a zebra. And it's like, check this out. I'd throw my name in the walls. You're like a space Zorro? Yeah.

Okay. I would wreck things if I had a lightsaber. So I think I'm going. I'm doing my name in the walls. You're like a space Zorro? Yeah. Okay. I would wreck things if I had a lightsaber. So I think I'm going lightsaber. I think the phaser's more practical. I'm taking the phaser. Yeah, I am too. All right. Let's take a break, and then it's guess, guess, goose.

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promo code BALLERS. What time is it? Game time. Well, by the way, would your answer have stayed the same if it was just a laser gun? No. Like the one that does the pew, pew, pew. Well, mine would have stayed the same. But it only kills? Mine would have stayed the same because I took lightsaber.

I don't think there's any practical use to having a laser gun. That kills? That kills. Yeah. Like I'm not looking to do murder so i think i'm okay and should you do murder right they know who it is like they can't catch you this is one of one you're blasting them with a laser gun uh you're doing lots of murder now before i get into all the the polls uh for this segment and and have our. I'm well over 2,500 votes here,

and 51% of us double not. What percentage of Americans, totally unrelated, are overweight? 51% of all Americans are us. We got to check the rest of the office here. All right. Look, it's time for guest guest goose and i'm gonna ask al to remind our listenership of how this game works because we had a lot of fun last time sure yeah we're gonna throw a poll question out there we have the correct answer the

percentage of people that said they have have done a certain thing uh somebody will be on the clock and guess that percentage yeah that person if they are within five percent in either direction they get two points meanwhile the other two will be writing down higher or lower and if they are correct they get one point all right all right i got obliterated in this game last time yeah we'll recap real quick we had mike with six points j Jason with five points, Andy with two points, which makes him the goose. Yeah. And we decided it'd be fun to have a little accessory to go along with the segment.

Oh, how nice. So you get to wear the goose of shame? Yes. Is that a hat? This is wonderful. It is a hat. Or is it a mask? It's a hat.

Okay. Is that a hat? This is wonderful. It is a hat. Or is it a mask? It's a hat. Okay. So if you go to the YouTube, you can see Andy is now becoming the goose. This is good.

All right. All right. Here we go. So do I award this to the next winner at the end of this show, or does it wait until the next episode? You can hand it to them, and then next time they will get to wear it. All right. What percentage of people currently have a crush

on people that they work with? And this question is for Andy. Yes, so I have to set the line. Percentage of people that currently have a crush on people they work with. A lot of companies have a lot of employees. The odds there, pretty decent. I'm going to say,

I think I'm going to go 22%. Ooh, 22. I'm going to say, I think I'm going to go 22%. Ooh, 22. I'm going to go 22%. So you guys have to decide higher or lower. So far, since I'm wearing this hat, obviously I do not know the public very well, as I look ridiculous. All right. I've got my, did you write down your?

I didn't write down my percentage. I know you're higher or lower. I am definitely higher. Oh, I am lower. You're lower. All right. So we have a split and I'm at 22%. Oh, I'm going way higher.

Okay. You were close. It was 29%. So not quite close enough. So Mike gets one. So Mike gets a single point there. Indian Islanders. You guys get nothing. I was not right on way higher, but it doesn't matter. I Mike gets one. So Mike gets a single point there. And you guys get nothing. I was not right on

way higher, but it doesn't matter. I got my point. That 5% is tough. Alright. Let's see if it's tough for Mike. Alright, Mike. Go ahead. My question is, what percentage of people routinely mix fountain drinks together?

I imagine the Venn diagram of double nodders and mixing fountain drinks is very overlapped. Okay. I had a time that I did that, both the double knots and the mixing drinks, and I was 11. A hard part here, just like a sneaky thing for me is like are people thinking of older folk thinking of like an arnold palmer is mixing fountain drinks no no no no because i mean it sort of is you're getting lemonade out of the fountain drink but i'm gonna i'm gonna go to 12 percent wow i so i was i was gonna go low i was gonna go very low but you went low so that's tough do i go all right um 12 percent routinely mix fountain drinks

together i'm trying to think when i do mix something together. I don't even know what people do other than the, I put every soda in my cup, man. That's what my youngest does every summer. You know what? All right. I've got mine locked in. Are you locked in? I'm locked in. I'm going to say higher.

I am as well. I think it's going to be 20%. That was the number I would have guessed is 20%. Which is close. If you guys were on the clock, you would have gotten two points for that because you would be within five. The correct answer was 24%. Oh, wow.

Annie and Jason, each with a point there. 24%. What are people mixing? I'll mix a Powerade with like a Sprite. I'll do that. Okay. I'll get down with that. I mean, I love Sprite and Lemonade.

There you go. That's Jason Moore. I guess it is. All right, Jason, your turn. So wait, it's 1-1-1? It's 1-1-1. We are even after the first two questions. Who are these people?

Big improvement. Here is mine. What percentage of people file their annual taxes at the last minute within a day or two of the deadline? I'm going to guess the VIN diagram. Hold on. Are you laughing because of the response you got on our company channel on what? Do you double knot your shoes? No.

Did you see the very first response? Oh, yeah. I'm not five years old. I'm not five years old was the first response. No. Go ahead. I'm laughing of just what this is. This will be an interesting. Yeah.

Percentage of people that file them at the last minute within a day or two of the deadline because i have the number in my head andy files on jan 1 there are type a's out there jane second did i did i overshoot i think i think it's a little early but by a week yeah it's tough because as soon as the tax person is ready for me, what percentage of people file late? Yeah. It's like, I'm not within a day or two. I'm a month or two late. Okay.

So I think I'm trying to think of this in terms of a 10% range, right? Yeah. I think it's going to be near 65%. I'm going to take 62%. Okay. That's a good guess. It is a good guess. That makes it tough.

I have my answer. Mike, do you have yours locked? The higher or lower? Jason went 62. Yeah, I think so. Mike refuses to write it down. He is. Well, we're supposed to be like locking so that we don't give each other an advantage.

Oh, okay. I've written it down. All right. I went with lower. I went with higher. All right, baby. Give me the two points, Al. My initial guess was 50%.

You are nowhere near getting two points. The correct answer was 17%. Oh, liars. What? So I got a point. Andy gets a point 17% Within a day or two of the deadline Yes

You file your taxes on April 15th It's called tax day Well we know where you guys file your taxes Wow that Blows my mind I think double knotters Just took the majority of our company as well. I did.

Yeah, because- Dude, I am out of here. You're not into that. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. So the goose is winning right now. That is correct. Two to one. That's good news because this looks pretty dumb.

Well, you're back up. What percentage of people have used a bidet? I'll say that number has to have skyrocketed since the launch of this podcast and it should be 100 the bidet bros are spreading awareness i i need to be within that 10 range i'm gonna go with 17 i'm going i'm going with 11 of people i'm going with 11 of people have used a bidet. I don't think the bidet. That's a good line. I don't think the broadening of the bidet pool, so to speak, has happened yet.

I don't think we're ready to wash them booties. We need to. Yeah. Wash your booty. Should be 100%. All three of us. They should be built into your homes. Yeah, they should.

They should be default. You should just wash your butt. That's what you should do. Yeah. Team into your homes. Yeah, they should. They should be default. You should just wash your butt. That's what you should do. Yeah. Team wash your butt. Construction companies, you need to be a part of this, as in we charge people more. Like if you're building a home. You can't buy a toilet that doesn't have one built in.

Just a full regulation. Full regulation. Governmental regulation. There are no toilets anymore, just bidets. 11%. I'm going to go lower. And I'm going higher just because that is such a low number. It is a low number.

I was a little scared of it. All right, Jason's getting the point here. All right. Dang it. There it is. 21% was the correct answer. Come on, man. What?

I'm missing these by like freaking nothing. Yeah, but missing. But missing. We need to open that window.. Yeah, but missing, but missing. We need to open that window. All right. So Andy and I are, we do. Let's, let's, let's raise it. Still not enough people.

And listen, you're listening to this right now. If you have not used a bidet. Wash your butt. Two things. One, you're disgusting. But two, wash your butt. Yeah. All right, Mike, you're up.

What percentage of people hate coconuts? Oh, that's such a good question. It's a great question. I love the way it's worded. It's just straight up like this is objective. I dislike coconut, but I don't know if I hate it. I hate coconut. Okay.

I don't want it anywhere flavoring anything anytime you don't like the flavor or you don't like just chewing coconut the flavor i can't take this texture i know exactly what my number would be if i were you coconut tastes like you're eating suntan lotion but the people that like coconut say suntan lotion smells like a delicious coconut that's how that works uh coconut does smell fantastic i agree coconut shampoo sign me up smells like a delicious coconut. That's how that works. Coconut does smell fantastic. I agree. Coconut shampoo, sign me up. It smells like the beach.

Mike, what is your number? Hate is a very strong word. One of one. I'm going to put my line at 32%. Okay. I knew what I would guess if I were you. So I just wrote that down, so it'll be obvious, which... All right.

I'm going higher. I am as well. I would have gone right at 50%. Yep. Mike was extremely close to three points on this one, which is what you get if you guess the exact right answer, but it was 31%. Oh, baby!

So he does get two points, and you guys get nothing. Well, that didn't work out so great. We're back, baby. So now we're all tied. We're back. Now Mike's in the lead, I think. No, he's good. Mike has three.

You both have two. What a guess. So we got one left to try to get this thing off my head. Okay. What happens if there's two geese at the end? Is there a goose off? No, no, no. You retain your title.

Ty goes to the loser is? The previous loser? Absolutely. You got it. We'll do a goose off. I'll give you one more. Yes. The person that's closest to the correct is? The previous loser? Absolutely. You got it. We'll do a goose off. I'll give you one more. Yes. The person that's closest to the correct answer.

But just between me and him. Yeah. And we just guessed the number. Yeah. You just guessed the percentage. All right. Well, we'll see if we end up there. Now I kind of want a tie.

Yeah. Well, here we go. Okay. My last question here. What percentage of people had their mouths washed out as children? I hadn't read that yet. Oh, the old, if you say a bad word. Wash your mouth out with soap.

Wow. This one's tough because if you had asked this question 20 years ago, the number's different. Yes, for sure. What's the age range of people you're asking? Are you asking us? Because our percentage would be higher if you ask children. I hope that's near zero. Yeah, it's going down.

I know Al Borland's one of them. Let me ask you this. Who is... And it did no good based on what I know of him. There are six people in this studio right now. Yeah. Did you ever have your mouth... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to poll the groom, you fool. Okay, all right. We'll do that after, okay? Yeah, we can do it after. I wasn't trying to cheat here i was genuinely curious oh yeah you i would never i'm an honest ape um all right so what percentage of people had their mouth washed out as children i'm going to go with 24 oh that's yeah that's, yeah. That's so good. Okay. I've got my answer. 24% is good. I will lock mine in as well just to not gamify.

I like that. All right. Here we go. I'm going under. I'm going higher. Okay. All right. Big moment.

The correct answer was 33%. I was with 30%. Okay. So Mike. Back to back champion, baby. And we have to have a goose takes... Back-to-back champion, baby. And we have to have a goose off. This isn't about a champion, Mike. Man of the people.

This is about a goose. All right. So Andy and I have a goose off. All right, you give us the question. We'll guess the exact numbers. You guys write down your percentage. We've got to write it down. Yep.

And then... Oh, I want to hand you this goose so bad. We'll just go straight closest to the correct answer. It doesn't matter about going over. Yes. All right. What percentage of people have flown in a helicopter? Oh, boy.

Wow. Oh, boy. That's a tough one. I've got mine. I wrote mine down. All right. I have my number written down. Jason is frozen in fear.

Jason's really, really thinking about this one. I'm trying to think what Andy would guess and try to be on the right side of him. No, you just got to be closest. I know, which means I'm on the... You should think of the amount of people that have ridden in a helicopter. That's what you should think of. Okay. Because going over makes no difference.

Just closest. Yeah, closest means I just want to be on the correct side of you. All right, I've got 15%. Six percent. I went eight. The correct answer. Oh, please give me, let me give him the goose is exactly 15%. Oh, you goose. What a guess. I would have got three points for this. Oh, my goodness. 15% my butt. Yeah, well. My goosey butt.

Okay. I've never been on a helicopter. I have not either. Now, going back. This is mine for next time. That's right. How many of the six of us in here had your mouths washed out in your life? I did.

One, two, three, four, five. I think probably once. Okay, so that's 100% for this one. Yeah, i think probably once okay so that's a hundred percent for this yeah i think probably one time one but it was like it was weak like i think they wanted to do the big time like oh we're gonna wash your mouth out with soap and then it was just like a little bit of soap mine was a friend's parent oh yeah what did you say i was like because my my parents would never soap or like never have done this yeah it was a bar soap oh no it was like what are you talking you're you can't do this but i'm a kid so i just was like you don't spank your friends kids man you can't do that

wow did your parents have words for those parents oh i don't think i ever told them i didn't want to go home and be like i said this bad word yeah that's incredible incredible that is that is a very yeah bad position to be in as a child yeah go tell your parents you have to admit that you did something wrong but you're trying to get them to defend you. Yeah, you can't. You got to keep quiet. That's funny. All right, moving on to our draft congrats, Mike, Jason for surviving,

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Raise your hand in this room and I'll relay if you've ridden in a helicopter. One out of six. That's pretty perfect. One out of six in here. I have not. I thought you would have, Mike. No, that's terrifying. Yeah.

So 16%. Yeah, that works. All right. Today we are drafting the most fun thing to be carrying when you enter a room full of people you don't know. So, I mean, when I was going through the exercise here. I had no idea where you guys were going to go. It was actually hard.

It was harder than I thought. Like, I'm just picturing there's a big room, there's a bunch of people I don't know, and I'm walking straight through the door and I'm holding something. Yeah. And then they have a look on their face sure yeah whatever whatever it means to you so who that's that's kind of where i was gonna go as i'm trying to play this as just straight as possible like i just walked through unexplained i have an object to be born huh yes yes no that's how i did it so um what's what's the 101 of this yeah incredible what a great draft to have the first pick i feel like there is a 101 i have my i have my 101 and it i'm gonna go with a life-size cutout of myself

okay okay that was not my 101 that wasn't your one that wasn't no a life-size cut out of mike wasn't your one no it wasn't but imagine a stranger walking by and they just have a full cut out you're like wait a minute yeah no that's uh you're the same person that's funny that's funny i like it okay all right that would be weird to see that are you wearing the same clothes that you have on yes of course you have to yeah i just got this printed of me an that's funny i like it okay all right that would be weird to see that are you wearing the same clothes that you have on yes of course you have to yeah i just got this printed of me an hour ago um okay so then you set it up and leave the 101 for me was clear and obvious because i'm gonna be so mad if your 101 is the mom. No one in the world does not like this. Oh. And I'm carrying a puppy into this room.

Interesting. If I walk into a room full of strangers, if I, I mean, that's what you- You want to be liked by these people. Absolutely. No, that's not the direction I went. I want to walk in and, you know, if I'm carrying a puppy, I want strangers around me. I want them to come and see my puppy. I went the actual

dictionary opposite of that. Going anywhere with a puppy, I get it. You want your dogs to socialize and you want them to get some exercise, but it is about the most look at me thing that you can possibly have.

Yeah, but I didn't even know they were going to be here, Mike. I just, oh, well, look look at this you're probably bringing the puppy to give it away because that's what you do with your dogs well if it can't be potty trained yeah that's right oh but it could be potty trained not by uh in like a week all right puppy so i i did not go that direction i really wanted to kind of uh a different reaction from this group of strangers okay i was thinking of maybe uh fun and awkward could be corollary here so the opposite of a puppy is obviously a human head oh my god okay all right right to the point i mean you our lists are very different.

Look, they're very different. To me, it's the mental picture of trying to play that off, man. Just, oh, so hi, it's me. So just to recap, the most fun thing to be carrying when you enter a room. This is super fun. I love when I'm carrying a severed head. Yeah, human head. So fun.

Human head. So fun. That's big fun. Oh, that's big fun. Yeah, no, that'd be fun. Okay. So I'll go human head. I'm following it up with an alligator.

That's right. That'd be a good old time. What is happening? I've got an alligator. That's right. That'd be a good old time. What is happening? I've got an alligator under my arm. An alligator would be. That's super fun. That's super fun. Oh my gosh.

It'd be interesting. If Mike's one of the strangers, he's pretty happy I walked in that room. Yeah. What? Nobody's happy you're walking in with a live alligator. If a man's holding an alligator, they got control of it. I promise you. It's like a live alligator. If a man's holding an alligator, they got control of it. I promise you. It's like a nature show.

I promise you. A man walks in this room right now with an alligator in his hand, you aren't happy. I'm happy if I don't recognize him and I don't know him. If the mouth is taped or bound, that thing can't do anything to you. Yeah, it's taped. If his mouth is taped and bound, I am standing and I am ready to run. Yeah, well, you know what? I am a coward.

What were you doing with the human head? Were you running there too? Wait, are you holding both of these things? No, one at a time. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, my list was so super different.

All right. Here comes the kitty. Psychopath over here. I do have a box of kittens on my list, but I've already got the puppy. Well, we're different. Yes, we are. Wow. Well, the most fun thing to be carrying when I enter a room full of people I don't know,

I'm going for fun, and let's bring these strangers together. I'm carrying Twister, the board game. Oh, my God. Let's break out. Let's break out. That's what people are going to think. Oh, the board game. Oh, my God. Let's break out. Let's break out. That's what people are going to think. Oh, yeah, baby. Hey, here's this really cool stranger, adult grown man who's like, hey, everyone.

Well, since we're here. Let's play a game of Twister. He can't tie his shoes, but he wants to get down on the mat. It's been a minute since I've played Twister. Yeah. Me too, brother. That's true. minute since I've played Twister. Me too, brother. The first spin is right hand blue. I'm out. Down there? He plays Twister on the countertop.

The first spin better be a foot. He puts it on the kitchen table. Oh, man. All right. Mike, you. All right. I think our lists are so different.

I can't even fathom it. Oh, man. All right, Mike, you're back up. You have a life-size cutout of yourself so far, but what else do you got? So for my second pick, I'm going to bring a gigantic trophy into the room. Okay. That was the finish. You said that and we were all just waiting for like, okay.

What's the trophy on it? It's just a trophy. It doesn't have to be anything in particular. It's just a large trophy. This draft is cracking me up because so far, Mike has brought a picture of himself and a trophy showing he's the winner of something.

Jason has a puppy and twister, and I've got an alligator and a human head. We are getting different reactions. Mike is trying to impress these people. We have different versions of fun. We should post the list and see if people can guess what the draft was. They will not. Well, i just think it'd be fun okay well you got another pick let's see what i'm afraid of it uh i'm gonna go with whatever man i'm gonna take a full suit

of armor oh yeah yeah that's funny oh man if a man just walks in the room in a full suit of armor i'm wondering what's going on but now we can't tell that it's you on that poster that you're carrying it's one thing at a time jason we've been over the rules or that's funny or you could be in the armor on the twister i'm saying on the poster you're carrying it i was thinking if we change this to you're walking in with all four items it would explain the human head better that I had an alligator. I would have crafted a more cohesive narrative here. I saved the head. Yeah. But the alligator ate the rest.

The alligator ate the body. Full suit of armor. I think that's funny. Jason, you have a puppy and twister. Oh my goodness. Alligator eats the puppy, by the way. Look, I'm... That alligator's mouth better be taped. I haven't decided yet. Alright, well, I... Alligator eats the puppy, by the way. Look, I'm... Yeah. Oh, yeah. That alligator's mouth better be taped. I haven't decided yet.

All right. Well, again... Depends if you're in there. Again, my list is full of happiness and joy, you weirdos. I'm walking in with donuts. I got a bunch of donuts. Jason's really trying to befriend these people. I'm having a good time.

This is the most fun thing to enter a room full of people. If I'm walking into a room... See, the difference is... I don't know. And I got a bunch of donuts. Heck yeah, man, it's a party. Here's where the diversion went. You're thinking of what would be fun for them.

I'm thinking of what's fun for me reacting to them. I am on Andy's side. You went with a human head. Yeah, I want to see what they do. That's not going to be fun for you. It's fun for me to see how they react. Just for the story. I'm not.

Where did you acquire the human head? I would never tell you. I would never tell you. Okay, great. He dug it out. Yeah, okay. You took donuts. I appreciate you.

If I'm one of the strangers, I appreciate you the most. Yeah, yeah. It's a fun thing to be carrying in when you. I have a different item here. Okay. I think it's more interesting and fun than my first two. Maybe it fits the bill for you. All right. Fits a lot item here. Okay. I think it's more interesting and fun than my first two. Maybe it fits the bill for you. All right.

Fits a lot of bills, actually. It's the Declaration of Independence. Okay. Okay. I'm taking it into the room. Now, one that looks like the real one? The real one. Or you're saying it is the real one?

It's the real one, yeah. You full Nick Caged? Yeah, I got it. I actually do own it. I feel- And I brought it in the room, and it's going to be really fun for people to check out. I feel like this draft is insane. Like, I should have brought the Infinity Gauntlet.

Like, look at how cool this is. No, it's the real one. No, everyone knows that that's not real. We didn't say that. It's stuff you have at your house. It's whatever you want. Hey, you got another pick of anything you want. I'll tell you, you poll a room of people,

and somebody walks in with a Declaration of Independence, and somebody walks in with a game of Twister, they're coming over to me. Look, we're going to throw this poll out. We're going to find out what people think is fun. So I have to pick one more? I guess so. Look, I'll take a little bit of a Jason direction in this one.

You've persuaded me because I have some more offensive items on this list that I won't go with. I think you should go with them. But I'm going with. Don't ruin your draft, man. Don't ruin your. Don't let this guy's ridiculousness. Who wants a room full of strangers talking to you?

All right. I'm bringing a noose. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh'm bringing a noose. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, my goodness. Go chase the pig. You know, it wasn't on my list.

I had a better one. So I was going to bring an oversized sub sandwich. But I'm bringing the noose. Yeah, that would have been awesome. That's a fun time. So you are just. The look on their face is what's fun to me your your fun walking into a room is everyone thinks you are a psychotic murderer i

seem to have gone that direction and to me the way the way i put myself into it was like i guess i went with like the most awkward, surprising thing they would see. Well, I'm bringing in champagne and wine flutes. We're going to have a good party. We got games. We got food. After, before the noose. We got a puppy.

We're in different rooms, brother. Yeah, we are. I'm walking into a fun time, a party. This is what I want in my hands. If I'm walking into a room full of people I don't know. I mean, we each want different things. I will own that room. I'll tell you that right now. Mike, your room will be very silent. You, yeah, of the lambs. Mike, you have the final pick. So far, you're a suit of armor, a giant trophy, a cutout of yourself and uh obviously this last pick

we're gonna go with a folder labeled top secret see that's great that's i like that that one's fun that one is fun how is that any less fun than the declaration of independence i wouldn't believe that the declaration of independence is real if someone walked in with the declaration of independence i would have a certificate of authenticity. There's no way I could ever believe it. Under any circumstance, I couldn't believe that that is the real Declaration. But you know what might be in my folder? The Declaration of Independence.

Absolutely, because that's top secret info. I am so afraid to read the rest of the list that I didn't have and I didn't bring up. Are you ready for it? We're done, right? The drafts are done. Okay, yeah, let's hear the rest of this list that I didn't have and I didn't bring up. Are you ready for it? We're done, right? The draft is over. Let's hear the rest of this list. A giant bloody knife. A whole bunch of sausage.

Like links. I figured links thrown over your shoulder. Yeah. Well, and you presume that it was human sausage then. Probably. Sweeney Todd. A whip and an axe. This is a different draft. A bucket of fish.

You prepared for a horror draft. And a leash leading an invisible dog. Okay. Would you have been okay with that one? Yeah, it's a little. Which one were you going to draft? Oh, the big sub sandwich. I was going to take the oversized sub sandwich, because then they could eat it.

Yeah, I have a ton of food. Bagels, pizza, cookies, box kittens. This is not the most food you could bring into a room. Cozy blankets and a bag full of footballs. That's just a fun time. I had a live turkey. That's funny. Yeah.

You went alligator. Yeah. Diapers. I love it. And a bag of spaghetti. A bag of spaghetti a bag yeah man see mike was like the bridge between me and you yes yes we went we wanted to shock him you wanted to shock us hot warm cold yeah like i'm i just i imagine myself walking through the room but but also then i go right into a door, and there is no explanation for what just happened.

Well. What did we learn today? Yeah, I think we know what we learned today. Andy's a psychopath. No, that's one. The rest of it. No, the world is full of grown children double-knotting their shoes. What I really did learn today was that laser guns don't have sound. I would love Velcro.

If Nike's making some hot, grown-up size. You can't buy those. I'm size 13. It's hard to find Velcro shoes. I'll buy you one. Jordans. I need medication. All right, goodbye, everybody.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. jordan's i need medication all right goodbye everybody thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast