Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 29: Smelling Problems and Getting out of Chores - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

It's been a while since we've had a Situation Room experience on the podcast, but the wait is over! Serious, life changing situations like moving your nose to other parts of your body. Important stuff. We also figure out exactly what the worst chores are that you should want to get out of and what songs we probably shouldn't know all the lyrics to. Enjoy today's episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in to the Spitballers Podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason. We're back and we're about the same as ever. Very regular. Very normal, ordinary.

Nothing wrong with being regular. No, I think doctors encourage that. some of us on one side of uh 35 years of age some on the other side but all together we are welcome to the spitballers means we have 100 years of experience oh gross i don't think that's do we yet yes of course do some quick mathematics oh no that is one of my favorite things is when a business does that. They have- Oh, yeah. They have whatever-

200 years. Five employees. They've all been doing it for four years. Trust us. Combined, it's over 20 years of experience. You've been doing this for four years. But your experience in year four is not the same as someone who's in year 18. Don't feed me this business.

Oh, that's just marketing, Mike. That's just good marketing. That's called lying. The spitballers, over 100 years of life experience for you. That's right. And we have the Situation Room. I love the Situation Room. I do, too.

Back on the podcast today. And would you rather in a fascinating draft I don't even know what it is Don't tell me I'll tell you this you will know at the end Oh that's good I'm going to need to You'll like it If you have a question for the show

If you have a situation you want to send in That you want us to debate At SpitballersPod You can find us on Twitter That's the best way to submit those to us We're also on SpitballersPod. You can find us on Twitter. That's the best way to submit those to us. We're also on SpitballersPod.com, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, and on Facebook as well.

Thank you for subscribing, listening, reviewing the show. Each and every Monday, we bring you that weekly dose of family-friendly nonsense. And we're going to jump right in. We're going to jump in right now. Mike, you look so ready. Oh, I've you look so ready. Oh, I've never been more ready.

The Situation Realm. All right, here's your situation, gentlemen. A new law has just been passed, and you must relocate your nose to somewhere else on your body. Relocate. This is a comedy. Yeah, you just relocate your nose to somewhere else on your body. Relocate. This is a comedy. Yeah, you just relocate your nose. I like that it's framed in the a new law has been passed. That's pretty funny.

But look, a new law has been passed, guys. They have handed it down. And you have to relocate your nose to someplace else on your body below your collarbone. It will still have the same form. It will still have the same function. It will still have the same function. Where do you choose? That's the situation you're in. It's another run-of-the-mill situation here on The Situation Room.

Man, that is tough. So first thing that comes to my mind is noses are very sensitive. And I don't just mean to smell. That was the first thing I thought of. You get popped in the nose. It sucks. It hurts. You can't put this on your booty. You can't just mean to smell. That was the first thing I thought of. You get popped in the nose. It sucks. It hurts. You can't put this on your booty.

You're going to. You can't sit on your nose. No, you cannot sit on your nose. It's going to hurt. Jason, there are far more obvious reasons to not put your nose on your booty. Okay. Okay. I'm with you.

Well, and it's sensitive internally as well, right? Because I guess the nose is where I get the smells from. You ever pulled out a nose hair before? Of course. How much does one small nose hair hurt? I mean, that is a sensitive region. Yes, it's the fire of a thousand suns. It also smells things.

It does. It's a tool. It's a tool. And there are places. Like, I don't want it anywhere near my armpits. Right. I don't want it anywhere. Mike brought up a really good point.

I can't believe you didn't. I didn't think about it. The worst reason of having your nose on your butt is sitting on your nose. You don't want to sit on it. So I had my two thoughts. One, it's a sensitive organ. Yeah. Device for your body.

Two, you want it symmetrical. Oh. I mean, you would prefer it to be. Because you got one of them. You need it in the middle of something. If you put it on your shoulder, it just looks like you got something weird on your shoulder. Well, because if you put it on your hand. I'm not concerned about it.

I'm concerned. Oh. See, you could put it on your hand, and you'd be able to go smell something and then pull it away. You would. But you're also going to be smelling everything you touch. You'd also be wiping your butt. Everything goes back to the butt. You would use a different're also going to be smelling everything you touch. You'll also be wiping your butt. Everything goes back to the butt. You would use a different hand.

That's true. You're not going to be like, well, I'm always a lefty, so I've got to continue. I'll switch my wiping habits, or I'll put my nose on the other hand. Now, here's the thing. It has to be uncovered. I wanted to first to hide it, but you breathe. You live. Your oxygen comes. It's got to be in the middle of it first to hide it. But you breathe. You live. Your oxygen comes.

It's got to be in the middle of the chest, just below your collarbone. But if it's below your collarbone, it's under your shirt. No, I'll wear V-necks. Oh, the deep V. That's not bad. The deep V for my nose. Think about what you are currently wearing. Where can you put a nose that is exposed besides your hands?

This is why I'm getting the deep V life. Man. It's only your hands. This is why I'm getting the deep V life. Man. It's only your hands. Right now, I'm in a hoodie and full-length pants and shoes. But do we care about... There is no spot exposed other than my hands. Do we care about smelling enough to where you don't just pull... Maybe you wear a hoodie with a zipper and you zip down to smell and zip up.

You know what else would be cool? Then you got protection against smells. Is you are... Talk about the upgrade of snorkeling. If you put it on your hand, we're just thinking of smelling. You can breathe through your nose as well. So if you have one hand out of the water, you're completely submersed. Yeah, you go play football and catch that ball.

Well, you got to take what you can get. It's on the back of your hand, bro. Oh, it's on the back of your hand. Yeah, although that's a sensitive spot. Like you said, you'll hit your hand on can get. It's on the back of your hand, bro. Oh, it's on the back of the hand. Yeah, although that's a sensitive spot. Like you said, you'll hit your hand on a door. Oh, my nose. I've got the Apple Watch. Right in the schnoz.

The Apple Watch. The amount of times that I have accidentally smashed this Apple Watch walking through a doorway or something, my nose would be broken to smithereens. I think I have to go with Andy's idea. Yeah, my idea. Of the deep V. Yeah. The deep V-neck.

And you can cover it when you don't want to smell something bad. Uh-oh. I thought of a new problem. Oh, if you zip up, though, that smells pretty bad inside of your... I have a lot of chest hair. Mm. I don't think I want my nose surrounded by hair. It's going to be tickly. Oh, that would tickle the...

Yeah. I would never. Tickle the dickens. So in this world where this law has been passed, everyone's got no nose on their face, too. This is the world we're living in. Yeah, you're Voldemort. I love Michael Keaton. And now if I take this nose and I put it where my belly button is, do I get at least a little

bit of submersion into my body? Just as much as you eat i mean if you eat purple i mean your belly button gets submersion based on a little bit of extra pound like there was a time in my life where my belly button could handle a double a battery no problem mike's wearing crop tops mike's gotta wear the crop top so he can breathe i think you're over emphasizing the need for this to be permanently exposed. But think about this. Yeah, I don't care.

Live your life with a shirt over your face. You'd be like, oh, no, this is hot. This is muggy. I'm nonstop breathing my own carbon dioxide. I'm going deep V. What do you guys got? I'm just going one of my nips. Oh, replacement.

No debate ever happened with the being on the nip. No, we didn't bring it up. It was just like, well, of course. I've got two. I'm going one nip. And I am pivoting to the back of my hand. I think I could do some really cool things. What about on your back?

The ability. We never even explored that. I'm a back sleeper. Well, I'm an every side sleeper, to be honest. I move around. All right. I'm going backhand. I'm glad we solveder. I'm an every side sleeper, to be honest. I move around. I'm going backhand. I'm glad we solved this problem.

The next situation, your wife loses her memory every morning, which is very similar to, if you remember the movie, 50 First Dates. Every morning, your wife wakes up. She does not have a memory. How do you adjust? What do you do to adjust? What is the plan? This is your situation.

Now, I think maybe with our 100 years plus of experience in life. Been there. Yeah. We may have ways that we would take advantage of this. Yeah. All I can think about is the ways to take advantage. Not the way to help the relationship, but I'm like, i could hire someone for a day to just take my place i'm going i'm going out of town she wouldn't know i'd just be like get it get an actor wow get an actor you gotta you gotta tell her that you're her husband and then No. That goes a lot of wrong places.

Just talking like normal daytime stuff. But let's say you're in the world because we're moving. Every day is a night, Jason. We're moving forward. And we're going to try to make this work. This is a situation that you've been introduced to. And you want to make a healthy relationship the best you can out of it. You know, if you remember Memento, the movie?

Yes. He had to write things all over his body to remember every day. Tattoos. What type of, yeah, that's correct. He didn't write them. They were tattoos. Oh, no, I washed my hands. What's my name?

What do you do to make life better? I mean, does she get a little booklet on her pillow every morning, like who you are? I mean, my wife is now really, really into football and video games. Oh, yes, Mike. But that's all I can think about. Here's a problem with that, right? Like football, I try to get my wife into it,

and you don't want to have to like re-explain it oh yeah yeah that's true you'd have to teach them on football every day yeah every time she's what are the rules why there's a lot of rules in football it's like just i'm fine with i'm told like i am currently 100 fine that my wife is not a big football fan like it doesn't yeah that's fine but if i tried to have her be a football fan and yet had to every day explain it. I've got a question for you boys. Did your wife fall in love with you instantly?

Or was this something you worked on for a while? Oh, I feel like. I had to work. You had to work at it. Oh, I put some work in. Answer should be pretty obvious for me. It was right away. Okay, sure. Mike, you had to work it. Oh, I put some work in. The answer should be pretty obvious for me. It was right away. Okay, sure.

Mike, you had to work at it. Yes. So this means that every day she's probably waking up. Oh, she don't like you. And she's not exactly, she's not a big fan yet. You haven't built up whatever, you know, charm personality. Fair, fair. I mean, now.

Wedding pictures will be everywhere in Mike's house. Oh. You wake up. That's a good call. His accomplishments are all over the wall. He's got a bunch of trophies. This is my diploma. Participation award over there.

Net worth. Yeah, but I mean, you get to be whoever you want, though. That's true. So my diploma from Harvard. Ooh, I love that. Here's my one from Cal. Your bat suit is in the corner. You are Batman. Yeah, she doesn't know if

Batman's real, right? See, this is the way to go. Maybe in a... You're a superhero. And every night you drive off in the Batmobile, it don't matter what you do. I'm going to... Her best friend gets the call. Yes, I know your husband is

Batman. Every day. Yes. Yes, I know your husband is Batman. Every day. Yes. Yes. Probably not a situation we're going to find ourselves in anytime soon. Nope. Not any sooner than the nose one. The nose one. I hear there's a bill being passed around.

I'm just a bill. Oh, you're bringing back some old schoolhouse rock. But it's the a bill. Oh, you're bringing back some old schoolhouse rock. I was, but it's the bill bill. Anything else you guys can think about? All right, you have to perform. Here's the next situation for the Situation Room before we get into Would You Rather. You have to perform at the Grand Ole Opry in an hour, but you don't know any songs, and you to lip sync what songs make the list i don't

think i understand the situation completely it's you're lip syncing a song okay what song could you lip sync two lines. Wait a minute. Are we wrong, Mike? Hold on. Wait a minute. He knows the lyrics. I know like a couple words. I literally know that's it.

Alright, give me verse number two. I don't know anything. Good. But still. I wanted to blow you away though, Jack. I already two. I don't know anything. Okay. Good. But still, I wanted to blow you away, though, Jack. I already am. I'm blowing away. I couldn't. I mean, I don't even know how to talk.

I thought for sure he was coming in here and being like, dude, I used to sing this every day, karaoke style. This is my chance at the Grand Ole Opry. I'd be going Jingle Bells. Yeah, I'm trying to... Just give me something rudimentary. I don't remember a word. Every single word.

So, like, the song that I know backwards for is my favorite song in the world. I sing it to my kids probably every third or fourth night. It will be played at my funeral. Please be the national anthem. It will be played at my funeral. No. Baby Shark. Oh, Baby Shark. Not that one. Not that funeral. No. Baby shark.

Oh, baby shark. Not that one. Not that one. No, it's, I mean, are you including it? What a Wonderful World? Yes. Is that it? Yes, it is. That's a great song.

It's a great song, but I... I see skies of blue. Do you sing it that way? No, I don't do that. I mean, I give... I give rasp. I give a little bit of rasp, but I don't try to be Lou. I see skies blue.

Is that? Okay. All right. But I don't think I could pull that off. They would know when the real song plays. Because it was such a different voice. That it is not my voice. That's my problem.

I got to find a song here that's like, oh, that is him. It's slow enough to where a lip sync seems really doable do they do they do rap music at the grand ole opry they do when you're there are you doing lose yourself by m&m yeah i mean we're bringing that back from last episode i think i might have to i think i'm gonna bust out the Eminem soundtrack. That's probably from my youth what I had the most memorized. This reminds me of... What's a Barenaked Lady song? Oh, with a chickity china, a Chinese chicken.

I had a drumstick, got your brain stopped. Look it. Watch our next Miles Vendor Lights on. Oh, we're doing this? I'll help the smoking men to this one. Gonna make a break, a dig a fake, a lick a sink a naked shake. Oh, no. I know my song.

What is it? I'm going blues, Traveler Hook. You it like a sinkin' ink and shake. Oh, no, I know my song. What is it? I'm going Blues Traveler Hook. You don't know all the words to that song. Oh, I do. Really? I could remember it if it's on. I used to know those. And that was such, you know, the chorus, the hook.

I was more of a runaround Blues Traveler fella. See, the longer that this situation takes place, the happier I am. We don't have to do this. Well, all I know is- As are the listeners. This performance at the Grand Ole Opry is getting more we don't have to do this. All I know is this performance at the Grand Ole Opry is getting more and more songs added to the list. The crowd is going to have a great show.

You're going to hit them with Row Row Your Boat, Little Twinkle Twinkle, and then Bop Bop Black Sheep. All three have the same melody. I don't know Bop Bop Black Sheep. We had a third grade. Yes, you do. It's the same melody as ABC don't know Baa Baa Black Sheep. We had a third grade. Yes, you do. It's the same melody as ABC's in 2020. I don't know the words.

Have you any wool? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three bags full. I certainly don't know those words. I've never heard of this song in my life. What? Baa Baa Black Sheep?

Yeah. Okay. Did you grow up? No. Did you have a childhood? Did you exist as a child? I think I still am existing as a child, but Ba Ba Ba, actually, that's a real song? Yes.

Yeah, have you any wool? No. Yes or yes or three bags full. One for the little one who lives down the lane. It's like one for my master. Yeah. We don't know it all. Here.

One for the little boy that lives down the lane. Did I ever tell you this? In third grade, we did Grease, a performance, a school-wide performance of Grease. I think I've told you guys this Yes but it's a great story But I was cast as The main man

Hey Hey It's Danny Zuko Danny Zuko Hey Okay And we got all these songs And dance moves

And I'm wearing my leather jacket Except I get Pneumonia For the three weeks Leading into this thing I don't know any of the words I don't know nothing I think that's why They put me in that front role

is because I couldn't do the dance moves. Anyways, I had to get up and pretend to lip sync all the songs. Don't get into the fact, Mike, that I could have memorized them while I was sick. No, no, it's more of your school selected you to be the lead, and then you said, I have pneumonia, and they said, eh, he's good. Yeah, we're going to keep him. Look, I'm going to be honest and I'll remember

exactly how it happened. All I know is that I had to get up on stage on performance day and know none of the lyrics and I literally mouthed the word watermelon over and over again. Watermelon cantaloupe is a good one. Is that the normal standard? What are the chances that your parents

called the school and demanded, nay, threatened, that you keep your role. I have no idea. Or the Holloways were going to bring the terror. It's possible. My son is Danny Zuko. Yeah.

You listen to me. Papa Skids. Yeah, Papa Skids rolling through. Oh, my goodness. Just in the briefs. Oh. Would you rather... Just shaking a newspaper.

Yep, yep. That's what my parents were like. Would you rather live in a big house in a high crime rate area or a small house in a low crime rate area? What? Ooh, so...

Which is a very interesting question question i have a lot of thoughts about this i'm taking the big house i'm sorry you're living in fear every day well my big house has a gate has a fence um you know i'm i got to drive in see the big house implies you've got some resources to rob my oh your house poor you can't you resources. To rob. No, you're house poor. You can't put an alarm system on this thing. Oh, you can't? No, I'm adding that in there. See, my whole mind went to big house, but I got the panic room, like from Jody Fisher's panic room.

Jody Fisher. What did I say? Jody Fisher? It was definitely Jody Fisher in that movie, Mike. Jody Fisher. Catfish face. That's Bobby's sister. Oh, bobby's sister oh okay all right i got you deep um jody foster movie where i can go and get in my panic room when the

yeah but you're in the panic room but then all your stuff is gone i was gonna say they'll throw they'll be molotovs through the windows his life will be there but see the panic room is like a small house and i'll be in a small home, never worried about crime. See, you can't walk around the neighborhood in the big house situation. But you can walk around your property. Yeah, my property is gigantic. But you'll probably have something thrown at you. You better have purge-level security on this home.

How bad is this neighborhood? My family is- High crime rate. My family is too loud. But like white-collar crime? Yeah. Like stock insider trading oh high quantity of insider trading oh they found out i have a rembrandt that man's a tax evader i bet you a lot of the people living in big houses are in higher crime rates because they're tax evaders yeah i here's thing. A lot of people can't handle the Moors. The Moors are a loud bunch.

Would you say some like less Moor? Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Give me. What? That was incredible.

That was terrible. That was. Have you ever heard that before? No. That's incredible. Mike, I'll be honest with you. You think I've never heard something like that before? Of course I've heard something like that.

Let me just lay it out here. It was terrible. It was a terrible joke. No, that's good. It was a terrible joke. It was terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

Terrible. It was terrible. I stand by it. That was a terrible joke. So the thing is, not everybody can handle us. And then if we have any kind of group event, we've got family over. My wife is one of nine kids. Right.

There's a hundred people. So you're going to expose that many people to a bad neighborhood? I just can't squish them all into the little house and have everything reverberating off the walls so loud where people's heads are exploding. Yeah, but they'll be literally exploding in the other situation. Yeah, you're going to have less family members if you have the big parties and your high crime rate big house. Well, it looks like it's a win-win. I love my family. I love my

extended family. Well, no, you didn't say who specifically. Right, right. That's true. Mike, are you going with the small house? Yes. Tiny house? I'm not. I will live in a tiny room. Now, Mike, you've been known to be a very flatulent man. Isn't that dangerous for those around you? Not me.

Is it a popcorn? My son pulled the popcorn thing on me yesterday. Did he get you? He got me. Yes. I mean, I knew what he was doing. We're changing lives. We're changing lives with this podcast.

If you're being asked, do you smell popcorn? Even if you know what it is, you have to kind of get a little whiff. Because you got to check. To see if he's right. Because if it does smell like popcorn, that's great news. Give me some popcorn. Oh, it's your fart.

It's great news. Oh, I just love to smell popcorn. Yes, you do. I do too. Is it great news because you know there's popcorn nearby? Or you just, it's great news.

It's so delightful. It's great news because it's so delightful. All right. And that you know that you're going to be eating something. Yeah, hopefully. Would you rather have to wait in line for 10 minutes every time you had to buy something or always hit every red light on your way to work each day? So wait, where would this 10 minutes every time really hurt you?

I mean, you do wait. I mean, how often do you wait 10 minutes in line? Grocery store? Yeah, I mean, that's pretty regular. Yeah, I mean, you do wait. I mean, how often do you wait 10 minutes in line? Grocery store? Yeah, I mean, that's pretty regular. Yeah, I mean, you go to Costco, 10 minutes is nothing. I hate... I just improved my Costco lines. That's the loophole.

It's the Costco shop. You've just cut your wait time in half. Yeah. I'm taking the 10 minutes. That's funny. No, we're an addendum here. It's an extra 10 minutes for Costco. I'll just say extra 10 minutes on all of them.

All right. An extra 10. All right. The grocery store lines, I still don't get how we haven't figured out a better way to do this. Because it happens all the time. I know that you could just say get more cashiers. But the whole system of I've got two items, I'm behind somebody with 68 items.

You go to the self-checkout. Well, sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. And some items are really inconvenient to self-checkout. Yes. Yeah. Right? Like gift cards. I go and I get a lot of LaCroix.

I like the sparkling water. If I have like 30 of those things in my cart, self-checkout is like, it's a lot of LaCroix. I like the sparkling water. If I have like 30 of those things in my cart, self-checkout is like, it's a lot of work for me. At least at Home Depot's now. Can you get the scanner? Their self-checkouts have a wireless scanner. Welcome to 2019. Yeah.

Have you guys dealt with it? I don't know how much of the grocery store you go to, but there is a current trend now where there is not a bagger at every single checkout. They bag for you, right? The cashier. Right. But then you feel guilty because there's a huge pileup of groceries.

You're just standing there waiting because they're waiting for the bagger to finish the other line and come to do yours now. Cost cutting measures. So now you start bagging. Have you done that? I don't mind at all doing my own bagging but it's the, when I don't know if I should be because they're waiting for an employee or the

cashier's going to go and then it's just this really awkward exchange of me standing there like, hey how's your day going? Hurry it up. I'm going to put my food in the bag just this really awkward exchange of me standing there like, hey. How's your day going? Hey, going to put my- Hurry it up. Going to put my food in the bag. I'm trying to get out of here.

Clicklist is the answer. Let me go. Let me carry this further down the line. Well, clicklist is when you order online. Yeah, you order online. You pull up. They load it in your car. That's the best thing for getting what you actually need, but it's not as enjoyable because

you don't get all the improv good. It's way more enjoyable. Yeah, way more enjoyable. Yeah. Way more enjoyable. Because I don't ever get out of my car or see people or walk around. I load. What? Yes.

I can't handle the people having, I feel too bad. Oh, I love it. I don't even. I get out and I'll go out and help them load. Yes. I barely roll down the window. I roll it down three inches and they come and give me that receipt. I'm going to my big house over there.

Got my sunglasses on. It's nighttime. And I'm like. Oh, you're in full robe. You're Corey Hart. You're in a robe and sunglasses at night. It's the robe. I don't even say anything.

I just hit that button that opens the trunk. Just the robe. And I wait until it shuts and I peel out like I'm being chased by bad guys. Because you're in a high crime neighborhood. Right. I'm going to get back to that. Some of the grocery stores, they have the express lines. Now, how far have you taken that rule?

Over the 10 limit? Because we're left with a spiral out of control. This is shopping 101. Walmart has it too. It's like 10 items or less. How far have you taken that and how do you interpret that? Is that 10 different SKUs and it doesn't matter how many items you have?

No, it's definitely not SKUs. It's total bloops. Yes. So it's per item and I feel like it shouldn't matter, but somehow size of the item matters to me. Yeah, I get that. Like you can have 15 small items? Well, on your LaCroix

example, let's say you got a... If you rolled through with 10 LaCroix's, I don't care if this is have 15 small items? Well, on your LaCroix example, let's say you got a- If you roll through with 10 LaCroix's, I don't care if this is a 15 item line, you're in the wrong line. Really? Even though they're the same skew? Yes. Because it takes too long. That's an easy, that's a little 15 click. But if you roll through with like 20 baby food jars-

Oh, that counts? Into the 15 limit. All right. It's size. It's a little bit of size. I'm a sizist. I will say this. So how far have you stretched it?

Have you taken 20 items into that line? No, I think the most I've ever gone over is four. Four is pushing the link. This might surprise you guys because I'm usually a little bit more I don't care. Right. Just about things. And I can't go in that line. I'll count my items and I'll put an item back.

If it's a 15-item line, I'm like, oh, that's a hard rule for you. It's a hard rule. And the problem is, it is a rule meant to be broken for my wife. Oh, that's got to cause you so much anxiety. Look, I don't get anxious over things. Like, real big important life events, I'm't get anxious over things like real big important life events. I'm usually pretty chill. But man, when we've got like 20 items and she's wanting to push that car through the I'm like, just let's just go over.

We don't need these. Like, I freak out. I don't want to be that guy. But she forces you. Oh, yeah. She wins. See, I think that there's a way you can get in there with 10 and then be like, oh, I forgot a couple things. Hold on a second. Oh, that's even worse.

Now you're holding the line up. Then you throw a few extra items in. They can't hold that again. Has anybody ever been rejected in that line? Oh, I doubt it, but I would love to see it. Has the store ever said, look up? I think if someone's coming through with a full cart, they go, oh, excuse me, this is

express. But if someone's coming through with like 25 items. What if that person with the huge cart says, oh, no, this is 10 items. We got to try it. I counted. I counted. It's 10. No, it's good. It's good.

I don't know where this went. It was whether you want to wait in line for 10 minutes every day or hit every red light. Hitting every red light is terrible. Yes. I think I'll wait 10 minutes and I'll play on my phone. And I'll click list. All right. Let's get into this draft.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. We have an interesting draft today. And you at home, you can play along with us, figure out how stupid we are or smart, depending on the roster. Oh my goodness, this is a great draft topic. This draft, we are drafting chores that you will never have to do again. So you get to draft a chore that you never have to do for the rest of your life. We'll assemble the best team of three or four chores that you'll never have to touch again.

And Mike gets to kick this draft off. This is a problem for me. Yeah? Because I feel like there's a clear 101 pick that the general population, if you could get away with never doing this chore again, would... I know my pick, and I'm next, so we'll see.

And for me, it's not the number one on my list, but I like to win these. I would just go with whatever your one-on-one is. Be true to your heart. No, I'm going to go with the people. No, don't do it. It's cleaning the toilet. Oh. Okay.

I'm fine cleaning toilets. It doesn't take that long. That's the thing. For me, it doesn't take that long. I can flip the switch and just get it done and not be bothered but i think that the majority of the public out there the worst the the perceived worst job is cleaning the toilet so my worst job and and my wife if she's listening when i say this she'll be like you don't do that anyways and it's true but now you have a reason but now i have a reason to not do it um

and you're gonna take you're gonna take the one i want look i'm taking the worst one i'm taking the one that takes the most time yeah that you have to do darn near every day that changes your life if you don't do it look if i don't clean my toilet i got a dirty toilet gross but you want to know what i can still do go to the bathroom no problemo but i gotta wash my clothes uh-huh if i don't have any underwear in my drawer i'm going without underwear today you have to wash your laundry and here's the worst part washing your laundry is fine drying your laundry is okay but putting the laundry laundry is okay. But putting the laundry away? Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, it feels like it's made for the 1800s.

We should have a way to do this. I mean, there are machines that will hold your laundry. There are services that you can do, too. There are machines now that will dry and fold the laundry all in one. And here's the problem. It's twofold. One, because I have legitimately looked into these. They're like $20,000.

It's like a car. And two, at the end, it just folds it. Like, who folds their shirts? Do either of you take the shirts that you wear on a regular basis and fold them? Or do you hang them up? I hang. Yeah. Yeah, we're not animal.

Come on, machine. Hang up my clothes. Anyways, I'm not doing laundry ever again. That would have been near the top of my list. So I've got back-to-back picks here. I'm going to start with doing the dishes. Okay. And the reason is we live in this illusion of a world where we think we don't do dishes

because we've got dishwashers. But if you've ever made any meal of any kind, of any value, it has piles of dishes, and that just sours the end of the eating experience because you make an amazing, incredible meal, but you've got to use all these pots and pans and big cooked on devices. No, I don't want to spend 30 minutes after the meal cleaning. So I'm going to say doing the dishes. All right. For your first one, you get another one. And I get another one. And you know what? I think it's going to come down to, now I need a clarification.

This is a family feud style. Do I need to be more specific or not? You probably do then. Just be more specific? Yes. Mowing the lawn. Okay. Mowing the lawn in general.

Yeah. It's messy. It's dirty. It takes time. It's very rarely a perfect temperature outside in which you want to do it. It never is. There's allergies. You've got to deal with all that junk.

No. For mowing the lawn. You don't do that. Artificial turf. That's what I was going to say. I got artificial turf because I wanted to avoid this chore. But when you talk about a chore you never have to do again. That's why I wanted to say yard work. Doing the yard should count. Do I get that or do I need to be on mowing the lawn?

But then I would have gone cleaning the bathroom. Right. But I was being specific because there's other jobs that are particular to that. I know the people out there the spit wads will relate to me on this one. But then I would have gone cleaning the bathroom. Right. Okay. All right, that's fine. Because there's other jobs that are particular to that. I know the people out there. The spit wads will relate to me on this one. Oh, they definitely will. On the lawn. And no one's going to pick, oh, I hate hedging the bushes.

No, but I'm picking. I mean, look, if it's there, I have to take it. Okay. Because it's outside. It's very similar. But pulling weeds is the freaking worst. Are you taking it right now? I'm taking it right now. All right. Pulling weeds. Here's what's very similar. But pulling weeds is the freaking worst. Are you taking it right now? I'm taking it right now.

All right. Pulling weeds, they just... Here's what's not fair. If I pull the weeds and I get every single root, do you want to know what I'm going to have to do in a month or two months? Pull some weeds. I'm going to have to pull more weeds. These things never stop.

If I could spray my yard with something that would kill everything forever and I mean like don't let don't let your neighborhood dogs come by your yard because I mean I would do it I just you had Andy you had someone on your old street and this was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember this story. This guy did weeds more than anyone because he did what I'm talking about. He cemented his whole yard. The entire yard. Front and back.

His front yard was just cemented in. He had a yard. He had grass and gravel, and he turned it all into just cement. 100% cement front and backyard, and it would come in chunks. So it was like a piece after another piece after another piece. A couple more checks come in, and he's like, get that cement truck down here. The amount of bodies that must have been buried in that front and back yard.

It was unbelievable. But that's true. And doing weeds is terrible. I picture you, Jason, as somehow wiping out all life in your front and back yard and replacing the bushes with artificial bushes for the outdoors. Oh, for sure. Like you were – You're not even joking.

He goes to artificial trees. You're not even joking. So we're doing some yard redoing, and we had to get rid of a tree that was there because it was just really in the way for some other stuff. So we just took down that tree. This was like three days ago. And my solution, because my wife was like, man, but now it's really, we're going to have to plant some stuff here to give us some life. And I'm like, I'm that exact i'm like i'm sure we can find some really nice artificial trees like disneyland has them right i want a

really nice artificial tree it will never uh shed its leaves into the pool it will never uh have problems it'll never need water i my dog can't rip up the water line in the backyard and come in all muddy after digging a hole. I want a big beautiful 100% fake yard. But they don't do that. So you're going pulling weeds to add to doing

laundry. I have doing dishes and mowing the lawn. Mike, you have cleaning the toilet and now you get two picks finally. I do and the pick that I hate really more than any chore, it actually came back to me, and that is vacuuming. Oh, I love vacuuming. I loathe vacuuming. The heavy thing.

It wears you down. The cord is in the way, and I'm not talking to the hoity-toities out there with their wireless vacuums. I'm talking to 98% of America. We have corded vacuums. You got to unplug it. You got to wrap it. You got to do the stairs with that giant monstrosity.

You're getting sweaty. It's blowing the hot air on you. Yeah. You're making weird. You're not leaving perfect lines in the carpet. The thing that I like about vacuuming is the instant gratification. You know what I mean? Then you got to empty it out in the garbage.

You go from dirty to clean. And you get those lines. Like, I love those lines. I want, when I go through, like, certain carpet patches, you know, you go through certain carpet patches. You don't love a fresh yard without weeds? And it doesn't, I don't go outside. I just said I want a beautiful looking artificial...

I just don't have any appreciation for the natural life. No, but when you go to the certain patches of carpet where you vacuum and no line shows up, like I don't know if the carpet's just too low or whatever, I'm like... It's not even clean. It's not even telling the world that I did my chore. That's why you like it. Yes, because you can tell I did it. Look what I did.

Look what I did. You know... Honey, notice anything different? You index the mirror, right? And it looks perfectly clean. You don't know that I just did it. It looks like it's supposed to look. It just looks like it's supposed to look. when i do that chore it says oh someone just vacuumed i i freaking

hate vacuuming and the other one that this is this won't be popular because there's clearly people in the world that they love to do this but i hate it and that is cooking. I don't want to think about it. I just want the food to magically appear. I mean, you play those games all the time. If you could have one person. Which one did you just take? Cooking. Oh.

If you could have one person, you're like, is that a chore? That's how I feel. That's not a joy? You don't. Cooking's not considered a chore to most people. Really? It's considered a joy. That's what I'm saying. It's not going to be popular. cooking's not considered a chore to most people really considered a joy or just that's why i'm saying it's it's not gonna be popular there's people that love it but but

there's people out there that like me they hate it they don't i don't want to think about it i just what i was saying is the top thing of would you rather have a a live-in maid oh man but it's a chef number one is a live chef. Oh, if I could have a live-in maid. If I just want Alice so bad. I mean... Well, Alice also does the food. That's true. Alice was great. Holmes should come with an Alice. A robotic

Alice. Where are we there? Oh, the Jetsons. Elon, what is this happening? Seriously, Elon. Stop with your digging holes and improve my life. Yeah, give me Rosie. All right, there's my two picks. All right, those are your two picks.

Back to me. Right now I've got laundry and pulling weeds. There's a couple others out here that I'm... So another point of clarification. Like, does this mean that it magically gets done? Like, I don't have to do them anymore. But like, you know, for instance, I don't have to do them anymore. But, you know, for instance, I don't have to do the laundry anymore. Somebody does it.

But does that guarantee that the laundry still gets done? Yes. Of course. We're not picking chores that we're deciding to ignore. Because if that's the case, then I am picking dusting. Because I've got a lot of electronics. We're techie type people. You got the speakers and it's always covered in dust.

And I hate dusting because dusting is the worst. You know, if you've got allergies, which I don't, but, you know, for you to Porsche loves, you know, you wipe and then you're sneezing and you put dust everywhere see that's not why I don't like it why do you not like it? I'm not allergic to dust so I've never sneezed when dusting

it never bothered me I don't like it because if you want to dust something you gotta move everything off of it you gotta take everything off of the table dust it and put everything back and it's meticulous. You got to go hide the high places. And I've always been a

pretty bad duster. I was going to ask. I've been a cheetah fox. When you were a kid and you did the dusting, I would dust around. I didn't move anything. I dusted around the object, and if you ever lifted it up, you'd see that shape because I didn't lift it up and dust under it and put it back down.

Neither did I. Because it was so meticulous. You guys, I've got to either find out the truth or call you out. One of these two. Now, you framed that question, Mike, that when you were a kid, did you do that? But I'm sitting here like, there ain't no way I'm lifting up anything. I'm taking nothing off. To this day, I do not move anything off.

My butler always moves everything off. My maid does that every week. Oh, Alice, you're so good. Yeah, no, no, no. Dusting would have been my next pick, so I'm with you on that. It's too meticulous. And you know what? I hate the impermanence of these chores.

I hate that when I go and do them, I got to do them again. I worked really hard on that, and next week more dust is here. That's not fair. All right, that's a great pick. I got to make two final picks here. I have doing dishes, mowing the lawn. Did you just take something for your team, and then your transition to your next pick was,

that was a great pick oh i took dust oh okay yeah i thought you took it that's great though that's got to be a move we bring out in the future man that's a great pick now all right now i i'm gonna go with this one and this is going to encapsulate a couple situations. And it's going to be unclogging the drain. And that goes for two specific things that happen all the time in my home. One, my wife's sink is filled with hair, and it's at a rate that she should be bald. She should have no hair.

But her sink, so quickly, and I've got to do the whole, like either dig it out or put the Drano in there or do both in a nuclear explosion and we can clear it out and it'll go. And then the other one is when it happens to your kitchen sink and that's all backed up and you got to take off, you got to go underneath and take off the, you and dump out all that smelly water. I'm saying unclogging the drain.

That was going to be my last pick. So that's a great one. I don't want to do that ever again. As a fellow with the larger beard, I have to do it with frequency to my own scene. To your own scene. Yeah, that makes sense. The drains. Do you do Drano, or do you have to go dig it in with like a hook?

I got to get one of those. Those little snake things with the hooks on it. Yes. Oh, those hurt. You're pulling your old smelly hair out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it. Yes. You're pulling your old smelly hair out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's gross. It's pretty gross.

It is so gross, but I kind of like it. Oh, what the? Oh, weirdo. No, I can understand. Weirdo alert. No, no. No, I should be called a weirdo for this, but it's just amazing. What comes out of there?

Oh, it's awful. It's disgusting. But it's like fingernails. I just took up sludge. I'm thinking like toothpaste. The shower. When you unclog one of those with the long, like, four foot hook thing. And you bring that up.

And it's like, I just pulled out a creature of the Black Lagoon. And now it just drains. Perfect. It's amazing. Yeah. I'm never doing that again. Disgusting, but I kind of like it. You can come over and take care of that for me.

No, thank you. It's got to be my problem. I don't touch other people's problems. Oh, I see. I see. You're smelling your own farts. All right. So I've got doing dishes, mowing the lawn, unclogging the drain, and I'm finishing it

up with many options. But this one would be wonderful to never have to do and to have always done, and that is cleaning the fridge. Cleaning the fridge. All the old, the food, the spills, the disorganization, the tortillas that you never got rid of that have mold stuffed in the back. Well, those are homemade tortilla chips. The worst part. Yeah, yeah. By back. Well, those are homemade tortilla chips. The worst part.

Yeah, yeah. By this time, they're hairy potato tortilla chips. The worst part is when you've got the smell in the fridge and you're not sure what it is. Because then in order to get it. You got to take everything out. You got to have the door open. So now the whole house is going bad. Well, and I live in this world where I would think that I would always remember to take the old thing when I put the new thing.

But that doesn't always happen. We live in a fast-paced universe. And I just get back from the store and stuff in there. So I'm going to finish with cleaning the fridge. All right. I'm between two here. One is something that, man, if it was done, I would just love so much more. But it's not that frequent.

It's like almost like an every six-month job. so I don't know if I want to take that. The other... Wash them behind your ears? Right, yeah, exactly. Wash your elbows, wash behind your ears. I'm going to instead go with something a little bit more common. It's similar, Mike, to your vacuuming, i love but i actually hate mopping mopping you have to have a plan you have to know i've got a plan arthur you you have to know where you're

going you're going to end because you're painting yourself into a position where you can no longer clearly yeah i can imagine that j Moore struggles with the mopping. You've got the dirty, nasty water. He starts with a circle around himself. And he doesn't know where to go after that. In the corner. I'm trapped! Trapped!

Trapped! Take over, Tiff! Tiff, where's the zip line? It happened again. Now, Jason, jump over. Jump. I told you to wear socks. That's funny.

So you're going mopping. That makes sense. I'm going mopping. Give me the clean floors without me having to paint myself into a corner and have to empty that dirty, nasty water that you get from mopping. You should try the steam mop. We do have the steam mop. It's far better.

Mike, I know what your final pick should be, but I'm curious what it will be. Oh. Because when you reveal it, I'll tell you what's been left out. There's no way I'm going to pick the one that you are thinking. Okay. Because you got your own custom? Well, I mean, there's definitely a few options, but I started the draft by cleaning up. No, I don't have to clean up my poop anymore.

I'm going to end the draft saying I don't have to pick up my friend's poop anymore oh i am no i am no longer cleaning up the pet poop that's great pooper scooping that's that's done it's somebody else's business i don't have to worry about your business and somebody else's business is not your business anymore exactly you gotta bag it up you got to bag it that's what i was going is that what that song's about? That could be your grand old entre. I like the way you work it. He's talking to his dog.

I like what you're doing here. It looks healthy. This is a normal movement for you. That's a good BM. That's a great BM. Oh, my gosh. Got to bag it up. Got to bag it up.

No diggity. There's no more diggity on the ground. No diggity. There's no more diggity on the ground. No diggity. You got to bag it up. And there's no doubt about it. No doubt. No diggity left behind. No diggity dog either.

No diggity dog poop. Mike, you got cleaning the toilet, vacuuming, cooking, and cleaning up the dog poop. Jason, you got doing the laundry, pulling the weeds, dusting and mopping. And I've got doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, unclogging the drain, and cleaning the fridge. And the one that was left off is actually the kitchen equivalent to doing the laundry. And that is emptying the dishwasher and putting away that stuff. That is annoying, too.

That'll be the kind of final vote for all of us. It's annoying. Emptying the dishwasher is so much better than loading the dishwasher, though. Is it? For me, it takes me like one second. Loading takes two. It's procedural. It happens here and there.

And then you've got too many dishes. You've got to figure out. I screwed up the layout. Now I've got to take out three dishes. Taking them out is annoying. You've got to scrape off the stuff that maybe was left overnight. You should have done it last night. You didn't do it now.

You've got to watch that. It has soaked this. Unloading is just whoop. Just throw it where it goes. Yeah, it's almost exclusively my job. And I have an assembly line. I have this down to an art. Putting it away?

Yeah. I do it very, very rapidly. The other one I was going to take was the cleaning out the garage. Like for us, the garage, once you go one calendar year, it's become a garbage dump. Yes. It's just become where we put the excess large boxes. Oh, we had this box that didn't go out. There's currently 78 unbroken down boxes in my garage right now.

And I've got to deal with this at some point in my life so that we can park the kids' bicycles back in the car. No, you don't. Just let it keep going. I'm going to see how far I can take it. Take it to the limit? Take it to the limit. All right, what'd you guys learn on today's episode? By the way, you can vote for the winners of each and every draft on Wednesday, right?

Wednesday after the episode releases on Twitter. The voting is up there. I mean, it was a revelation just right at the very end of the show but realizing that the song no diggity yeah it was really is actually it's about doggy doo-doo yeah that's that that that was surprising to me as well i'm gonna go uh with that mike i found out today that mike sticks and stands by his worst jokes his yes the jokes that don't fly. You just learned that? He's standing by it. I would say I learned a very unfortunate scientific fact that Jason really enjoys digging out four-foot-long hair clunks

of his own making. When the water actually can drain again, that's satisfying. Yeah. Not the whole pulling it out, smelling it. No, that part's gross. I'm not like pulling it out and stuff. Hey! Hey! Get a whiff of this one. This one's terrible. This one's nice. It's a new

record. My fingernails are in here. Smells like popcorn. Hey, thank you for listening to the show. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive

you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spit wad we appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes