Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 290: Jason’s Therapy Dog & Our Favorite Bald People - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Today, Jason re-tells the experience of a unique therapy session he had a few years ago. We also see if Andy can finally hand off the goose hat in another round of Guess, Guess, Goose! We close things down with a draft of our favorite bald people. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Summer has arrived and it's going to get hotter. But don't let sizzling temperatures slow down your fitness routine. Hi, I'm Sean from New Balance Toronto. And now is the perfect time to visit a store in your neighbourhood and take advantage of our summer sale. From now till July 7th, stay big on select styles of footwear, apparel and accessories. We've got what you need at prices you'll love.

New Balance Toronto, your neighborhood fit specialist for over 24 years. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the rule of three. Oh my goodness. I mean the scat was awful.

The scat was just pedestrian vanilla. But then... Badoo. But was it? And then... No. Badoo. A second time.

You hit that third time. Went a little croony there at the end. Honestly, I don't even know if we need a show after that scat. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. That's good. Ba-ba-ba-boo. Wow. I could do that all day.

Welcome in, one and all, to the Spitball. It feels like it's been 600 years since we did the show. Well, that's because it's been a while since we've recorded. And now, not for the listeners. They're getting it every week, because we're like clockwork. I had to turn the fan on here in the studio, because it's really hot outside. Yes it is, yes it is.

It's all better now, the fan is on. And the show has begun. We have Would You Rather? Guess, Guess Goose coming back to the show. It's about time. Which is the third time, right? Correct. And I've lost the first two.

Correct. That is correct. So I have to wear the goose two. Correct. That is correct. So I have to wear the goose hat. Also correct, yeah. This is a podcast that people will advertise on. But there's a video on the YouTube? We are drafting our favorite bald people. Good thing it's not least favorite or Papa Josh would have been like early pick.

There's two I want. There's two I need I need on you can't draft yourself Jason oh so there's one he wanted to draft himself no I didn't want to drive not bald I'm balding there's a difference I'm an ing what okay I know this show we got an agenda but I feel like we have a little bit of room to spitball here. What's the difference between balding and bald? Yeah. Where do you get there? Because most bald people, 100 percent, they shave. Yeah. Because nobody actually loses every down to the final hair. Right. And it goes pink and then they're completely.

George Costanza is not bald. Yes, he is. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You guys. Yeah, by the end, he's got the he's got the Costanza is not bald yes he is oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's got the kids he's got the Costanza haircut yeah but that which is the ball no I think it would like got a bald top you lose the top yeah and you only have sides that's that's bald yeah okay okay okay time out he doesn't want to get the bald as soon as we think he will no no I'm talking we're talking about two different things here okay okay? Are we?

I would see him and say, yeah, he's bald. That's fine. Okay. I'm fine with that. But are we drafting people that are like, that's partial, like... No, that's bald. That's bald, brother. He's on my list.

So you're saying he's on your list. Yeah, he's on my list because it's, who do you think of when you think of a bald guy? And his whole MO was being bald. Oh, I see. I didn't include anyone that was like that. I took him off my list cuz I'm like a pure bald person I Sympathizer. Yeah. Well, I'm just like I want Yeah, cuz Dan's But okay, but you know when people talk about a Costanza hair

haircut, that stands opposed to being bald. Like, you talk about his hair. I get what you're saying, but at the same time, no one, or not no one, but it's pretty uncommon for the entirety of the head to be unable to grow hair. Most people that you say, that's a bald person, like Papa Josh can grow hair on his head but he's a bald dude but he's bald yeah because he shaves it he is he's not on full

ball if he had grown out his hair you'll go that's a bald guy yeah yeah you would yeah you would and that means who's the kid from Andy Griffith the director Ron Howard Ron bald he's got the Costanza he says bald as they get Ron Howard? Ron. Bald. Let me look him up. Because he has the- Ron Howard is not bald. He's got the castanza. He's as bald as they get. Oh, Ron Howard's bald. Yeah, thank you very much.

That's a bald dude. If there's like a good portion of your head that you could, if you rub it and it goes eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee That's the official fact. All right. OK. On the matter. I was unaware of that. If it goes squeaky clean. Yeah, no, that's good.

All right, we're jumping in. ["WOULD YOU RATHER?" PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING You how did you get us to know who Ron Howard was? What I was gonna say It's like this dude is one of the most accomplished directors of all time now And he knew not only an accomplished director. He had an entire acting career. Yes. So happy days Yeah, you went all the way back to Opie wasn't he Opie I He's on Andy Griffith. I know that was his debut role. That's why and he was famous for that. Andy Griffith. I mean when was that? Just cuz you didn't know about it.

1960 to 68. You went with the 1960 reference. I went with, what do you go with with Macaulay Culkin? Because all he's done is Home Alone. Yeah, I mean that's all he's known for. Or you could go The Good Son. We're going Home Alone and we're going OP. Yeah, okay. You didn't need to bring that back up, by the way. The director of Apollo 13. Would you rather, this is from Kurt on Patreon, would you rather get a paper cup between the fingers?

In the webbing? In the webbing, in our finger webbing. Or a blister on the foot. Like where on the foot though? Let's go, Hal, do you wanna weigh in here? You can put the blister anywhere you want. On the ball of the, what is that called? Under the big toe?

The heel? No, no, no, the part under your big toe. Yeah, what is that? The meat? The ball of your foot. Okay, there. The big toe? No, he's talking meat the ball of your foot? Okay, they're big dough No, he's talking about the ball of your foot this. Oh, that's the ball. Yeah, the right there. Oh, that's a bad spot That's a terrible spot. Um, I don't think I think I have to take the paper cut the paper cut

Having a paper cut is not as bad as getting a paper cut. I Completely disagree what you have like long lingering side effects? You have to be- They'll last for a day or two. Oh my gosh. But they're worse once you have it. Like getting it doesn't hurt. You just put a bandaid on it, you're done.

Not in the web. I mean, not between your webbing. Not in the webbing. Okay. You think you're gonna reopen. There is no... I'll take like ten blisters on my feet over slicing up my webbing. Oh man.

Have you guys... I think I know why. S over slicing up my webbing? Oh man, have you guys, I think I know why. Slicing up my webbing. I think neither one of you have had a paper cut. A webbing slice? In your webs. If I have, it's been a while. I have had. Do we all have the same webbing?

Yeah, people. Like is everybody's webbing the same? Well, unless you're Kevin Costner, but. It's a water world thing. Let you're Kevin Costner, but. Water world? Let's get an opium water world. Goodbye everybody. Thanks for joining us. Let your grandfather sing around. So you've had a cut on the webbing.

Yes, I have. And when you have a cut on the webbing, you can't use that hand. Why are you cutting your webbing, man? It's an accident. I'm not sitting there with sizzies and just like webbing, you can't use that hand. Why are you cutting your webbing, man? It's an accident. I'm not sitting there with sizzies and just like snipping up my webs. I think I could grip a basketball if I snip these webs.

No, he's doing it. Look how wide my hand can go. He's doing the knife thing. He's doing the knife on the table. But that's not a paper cut. That's a knife cut. I'd rather have a That's not a paper cut. That's a knife cut I'd rather have a knife cut than a paper cut Paper cuts are the worst. Oh my gosh. You're probably a huge paper cut baby

Yeah Paper cuts to the word I'd go a cardboard cuts a little bit. Oh, those are those are Put me in the morgue. Yeah Put me in the morgue. Yeah Torture mecha Guantanamo. Oh, yeah paper cardboard cardboard cardboard cut you feel bring in the Amazon box And honestly, I feel like I get more cardboard cuts than paper cut. Yes, because absolutely Amazon. I mean Cardboard cuts pre and post Amazon. Mm-hmm. They they weren't a thing and then Amazon's like check this out Do you think we could invent, like you know how they have Neosporin

and everybody uses that for cuts? Can we invent something made just for cardboard cuts? Like the Amazon cream? I think that's like, you need the, isn't there like a spray that becomes like a skin? I don't know. There is like the, I've band-aid used to have a thing where it was a liquid band is like the, Band-Aid used to have a thing

where it was a liquid bandage. Yeah, something like that. I don't know what to think about that, by the way. I've never really been on the liquid bandage bandwagon. I've had to do it, because it's perfect for- Does it help? Yeah, for a spot where it's like a normal Band-Aid is not going to stay there.

Does it go away? It stays on for a couple days. New Skin Liquid Band-Aid Spray. Phil, that's like the glue that you used to make. You know how you used to take Elmer's glue, and people would put it on their hand, and then peel the skin off? I feel like I would love this with one exception.

Aren't I putting some kind of, I mean, this is obviously some crazy science-y chemical. Right. Aren't I putting a piece of that? You've never had a problem with that. Right into the blood? Yeah, you've never had a problem with that whatsoever. You, but I see what your point is because you are putting it directly on the wound. This is a portal into my body.

Right. It's an antiseptic. Let me spray this stuff inside me. That's what we do. I think you're okay. Okay. So you're going with the blister on the toe. Yeah. Yeah, man He'll be in a wheelchair you can't I mean with a blister. I'm assuming we're allowed to Bandage it and pad it up. Yeah, you can make it through a Blister means you're not playing no pickleball. No, that's true. You're probably not playing pickleball with a blister Yeah, the older you get, the less things it's impacting. Right, you're like, what else? I was like, what else is it going to buy?

He's fine. You're like, at the movie theater, there's some stairs sometimes. Yeah. Walking from my car to the house, couch. Yeah, no. So you're going blister. Yeah, the blister's not that big a deal.

I'm taking the paper cut. Yeah, me too. I hope you do, so that you know how wrong you are. How bad was this cut? You seem to have some real trauma. A web cut is unbelievable. The pain doesn't go away. If I get a paper cut on the top of my arm, whatever,

I don't even know it's there unless I brush up against it. And maybe that's true of the webbing, but you don't realize how often you're using your webbing. It's every time you move your fingies at all. Are you trying to get into these packages too quick? Is that what's happening? What do you got in there? Dude, I've got a new method.

Wait, you really have a new method to open your boxes? To get a paper cut? No. Check this out. I made a machine. No, to open Amazon boxes. OK, this doesn't seem like someone could have a new method.

Oh, just try it at home. You're going to be like, all right. What kind of size box are we talking about? Any size box. All right. Any size box. Just a standard taped Amazon box. Standard taped Amazon box.

You go up to that box, and you hit it with a 12 to 6 elbow. With a macho man? With a macho man. You elbow that table. You elbow your box? You elbow the box. What? And you're done.

You don't think about what's inside? No, I don't. The elbow, I'm not smashing it to the ground. I'm just hitting the top. Just a soft elbow? Just hit the top and it will break it up and then you just grab it and open it is Just try it just try it Okay I know you've got packages on your porch right now when you get home go elbow that problem is I know how many packages you

Get which means you are dropping eight to nine elbows a day More brother. Yeah. Yeah You callus stuff. I love open you get mad when someone else opens one and you're like, no! I kind of am disappointed, yeah. Joe from Patreon, would you rather have a dog that barks excessively, ew, or a dog that licks all people excessively? That's also bad. That's real bad.

Oh man. There's actually very few, like we have a draft we wanna do someday, where it's like things that you're most self-conscious about. Okay. Which kind of leans into like what makes you feel awkward. And I hate when my own dog is bothering a person that's a guest to my house.

And my dog is very, he's a super nice dog, but the first five minutes of any new person, he tests the boundaries. And most people will give him a hand or an arm and that's a problem. But if you take that away, he's chill. But like, I hate it. I hate it when people are tormented by my animal.

So the licking one, where it licks all people excessively, I would feel so embarrassed and sad that that happened. You also have a different perspective because if I go to someone's house and they have a lovely dog You don't mind getting and then that dog comes over and now we're we're best friends and that dogs gonna lick my arm I'm gonna scratch the dog Mike's open mouth with that thing. I'll give a big smooch Okay, it does it does not bother me because you are pro licking. I'm just pro dog I like dogs like that's a problem if I knew that ahead of time that'd be fine

Like I'm not worried about you coming to my house. But like when...I don't know. Someone knew. You're meeting for the first time. Yeah, like someone's dropping off the Instacart and the door opens and the dog jumps out for a second. Oh, I can't stand that. I can't stand when my dog's like, want to run out the front door. It's like, stop.

Grow up. You live here. This is your prison. So I've got a fun looking story. As they say. As they say, clip that. So we've talked about, we advertise like BetterHelp, I've gone to therapy for decades. I had a therapist who had a dog that she brought in.

A therapy dog? Yeah, it was just their dog. Just a therapist's dog. Yeah, I mean, sure mean sure maybe I don't know if it had a degree but... Did it have glasses? I can't I cannot I can't tell you how much this dog licked. Licked? Licked. I'm telling you whatever it is 50 minutes is how long is the session? Who is it looking at me? Mean just non-stop non-stop a lot that day. I don't know. I don't know what it was Like like oh you must have had a lotion on or something. Nope Stop for 15 minutes unbelievable. I just, everywhere, it couldn't stop for 50 minutes. It's unbelievable. Just keeping

a straight face. The session was shot. I'm like Mike in the sense that I don't really mind that. If a dog comes up, I'd much rather a dog come up and lick than bark. I thought you were going to say than a person. Well, yeah, I'd rather a dog come up and lick than a person too. But it just doesn't bother me. I mean, I don't want them licking in my face but like if they come and lick my hand or something like it really doesn't bother me. Did this dog move around? This dog's teeth. I told you whatever spot that I was going to have it lick I would have

licked there until death do us part. I can't believe the strength of the jaw and the tongue the endurance I'm telling you guys never stopped a few minutes and put him on the ground Just lick the leg just lick the leg one spot just like like Unbelievable Never like that the therapist never was, let me take the dog? No, I don't think she had another option. I don't know. It was mind blowing.

So Jason, tell me about your childhood trauma. Yeah. Wobble. Wobble. I mean, it was just like, I couldn't believe it. I had to go home and shower. It's like, anyways. Oh, man. That's better than barking. I agree.

I agree. I think that is better than barking. Yeah, barking's terrible. It's the worst. Terrible. I was wanting to laugh in that moment. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset.

Yeah, barking would ruin the session a little bit more. Yeah, instead, the session was improved. What was that? Yeah. All right, so you're going with... We're all going with the barking. Yeah. We're all going with the barking.

Yeah. We're all going with the barking. Yeah. We're all going with bit more. Yeah, instead, the session was improved. What was that? All right, so you're going with, we're all going with the lick over the bark, right? Yeah. All right, Marvin from Patreon, would you rather, always have a fly buzzing around your head?

That's torture. Or always have an itch on your back just out of reach. Have you been in this situation, because I recently was. Which one? The second one, where I wasn't allowed to scratch an itch, which is a rare thing. Like if you have an itch, normally you can scratch it. There's no real situation you can't, unless you're getting an MRI. Oh no.

And you're getting an MRI for 50 minutes. You can't move. You're not allowed to. And they even put you in a little, this MRI put me in a little contraption, like where it locks my head behind this cage type of thing. And I had an itch. And it was like I had to be one of the first people ever

that doesn't get to scratch the itch for like an hour. It was really bad. But it did go away. Okay, that's what I was gonna that's what I was gonna ask. I had it doesn't stay that I had a period of time that was probably two years. This is crazy. Where right in the center of my back, right in the center of my back. Right in the center of my back. I had an itch that happened all the time. Many times a day. If you only had that dog with you for years. Yeah, he'd handle it.

Yeah, well I can't reach that spot. I couldn't even put peanut butter on that spot. Wait, so you had an itch in a non? In a non-reachable spot, like the dead center of my back where I can't reach. What would you do? Were you like a bear up against a tree? I had would you do? Were you like a bear against a tree? From time to time I was a bear against a doorway. Mostly it was my children and then eventually I had to-

Surgery? It lasted so long I had to purchase multiple back scratchers. Oh boy. I had them around. For this one spot? For one spot. For years. Was it the wood kind where it looks like a hand?

No, those are cute though No, it was a telescoping rod because That's why because I could go in smaller place Also, I like the finger up scratching that Mike just did. It's a fancy way. If it's telescoping, it's very thin. Yeah, well, it was pretty big. I got to look this up. But yeah, and that was, that was.

How many years did you deal with the scratch? Probably two years. And then it just went away? And then it just went away. When did you notice the scratch was gone? Just so you guys know, this was like a year ago. Like this was happening to me all the time. And then I would just have.

And you just didn't open up. Yeah. Did you ever tell your therapist about it? It was embarrassing. No, it was just annoying. But that can't come close to the annoyance of a fly. It's in my all-time worst things. And the embarrassment. Because here's the thing.

Because it insinuates that you are the object of smell. That's right. Flies go to poop, you know? Yeah, they're attracted to odors. Horse manure. And so it's like, look, I understand that a fly is going to go to everyone. Everyone listening and everyone in this room

has had a fly is gonna go to everyone. That everyone listening and everyone in this room has had a fly bother them, and it's normal, even still. When I see a fly that won't stop bothering me. Imagine two. I'm thinking, do you share anything? Yeah, you stink. Imagine two. If you had two flies, that would be like, yeah, you do smell.

For sure. Two is a confirmation. Two is like, yeah, this guy's got it, what we want. He stinks. It's the hand movement. When you're trying to have a conversation with someone and then you have to, hey! Yeah, you can't ignore it.

You can't just sit there, do nothing, let a fly land on your face. Which could you ignore easier? The itch. The itch? Yeah. How bad, I mean, it wasn't it was a light it It wasn't like I was like I would have seen you. Yeah, you would have known I would have said something

Why are you recording the show really hardcore? It was just like it went away one day and did you how long? Till you notice it was gone. Like did you pull the back pressure out of habit and then and then all of a sudden went wait a minute she word no, I Think it was I think it was going away gradually. Whereas I did notice. You still did itch it. I did notice. After a long time I noticed,

oh I've only been itching my back once a day or once every other day or whatever and then it went away. Oh you're one of those guys that says itch in my back, huh? You're not the guy that says scratch in my back? I get, hmm. You scratch and itch. You don't itch and itch, but that's a common thing that people do.

Yeah, I know I was itching it. You were itching it? Yeah. Okay. Which, the middle of my back right now, guys, it's- Oh, because of- It's out of control. The psychosomatic? That's all you feel now? Yeah.

All right. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and come back and see if I can hand off this stupid goose hat. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Social media has brought some very positive things into our lives. But unfortunately, it has brought some negatives as well. You may have heard this before, but comparison

is the thief of joy because it truly is. It's easy to envy other people's lives. It might look like they have it all together on Instagram, but in reality, they probably don't. Therapy can help you focus on what you want instead of what others have. So you can start living your best life. I've been a huge supporter of talk therapy. It's incredibly valuable. There are things that can be just too big and too heavy and too much for you to simply work through on your own.

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Stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Ballers today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E- e l p dot com slash ballers. What time is it? Game time. Well, the goose man cometh. Yeah, why don't you explain to the people the game we're gonna play, Al, because it's guess guess goose time again. All right, yeah, we polled people and we have a statement and each of you will take turns. We'll start with Andy. If Andy was

to guess the percentage correctly of that poll, if he was exact he would get three points. If he's within five percent in each direction he would get two he was exact he would get three points if he's within five percent in each direction he would get two points if he is not then the other two will guess higher or lower and if they are correct they get one point and I'm starting yes sir what percentage of people are bigger fans of Star Trek then Star Wars. So bigger nerds. I have my quick thought, but that has been so wrong in this segment.

My first thought was gonna be like a third, like a third of people. Like 33% of people are bigger Star Trek fans than Star Wars. So where do I think it really is? I think it's gonna be, I'm gonna go 36% is my final answer. I think that's a good answer. I'm gonna go 36%. I think that's a great answer.

Yeah, you thought that before and I really fell on my face. Because this room is, I think that we're in a Star Trek room, aren't we? I'm Star Trek over Star Wars. Owl, you're Star Trek, correct? Yes, sir. And then I don't know where the young buck is.

He's probably neither. Star Wars. OK, Star Wars. I'm Star Wars as well. I'm like so neutral it doesn't even matter to me. So 36. Yeah, so you guys are right. I got to go first, though, right?

I think do we go in order? Same time. Usually write them down. Yeah, I've got one written down and then So I'm going 36 percent final answer and you guys have to go higher or lower I will tell you that I was very close to your line of thinking which made it difficult Okay, that's all I can hope to do is fail and make it difficult. Yeah Alright guys go ahead and share what you're going. I'm going lower

I am going lower as well. And I put 29%. But I think Andy's within the five. Well, I doubt it. But let's find out. He is exactly within five. The answer was 31%. Oh my gosh.

I almost ruined it by going up. Andy gets two points. And you guys do not have an opportunity to score this round. Oh, nice. We don't get a point? Oh, wait, no. We do allow you. That's right.

No, no, no. I like what you first said. That's on me. Wait, so they still get a point for being right. They each get a point for being correct, and Andy gets two points. Oh, it's a good start, guys. It's a good start.

I was going to go 33%. And when you said I'm going to go a third, I was like, oh, I don't know where to go for me. Boy, I just barely made it, though, didn't I? No, you moved up and made it easier on me. All right, I am up. What percentage of people have chewed a piece of gum in the past month?

Oh. Wow, that's really interesting. What was that sound? I don't know. We're really contemplative on the gum. That's the most interesting thing I've ever heard. A piece of gum? This might be the most important question ever asked. We were both really intrigued by that question. Within the last month. I've ever heard a bite of gum

Both really intrigued with the last month But it was genuine boy. I I'm really gonna be waiting on Mike's answer here cuz chewed a piece of okay. Oh Man I feel like I can write my Higher or lower before knowing Mike's line like I'm'm pretty... Okay, we'll get in on it. In the last month... I have... I think I'm gonna be... I am gonna go...

How many grown-ups are chewing gum these days? No, I need you to pick a terrible line. I think it's... I'm gonna go over 50. I'm gonna go... 62%. Okay. 62%. Did I fulfill your prophecy, Jason?

You did. I left what I wrote. All right, I'm going lower. I'm going higher. Oh! I went 40%, he went 80%, and you said 62. So we are on, this is why we said whoa! This is why we said whoa

All right, Jason's gonna come away with one point on this and nobody else will the correct answer was 69 now Mike's number was 62 correct. Oh you were so close. That's pretty lame. Yeah, I've been there All right, this thing fits great So we got Andy with two Jason with two Mike with one Wow okay? Oh plenty of time to lose on the right track you were so close What percentage of people? Make their beds every day What does make a bed is just make a better the whole job? Yeah, but the covers on yeah

I mean you know what making a bit Did you make your bed today? Maybe that tells you which side I'm on side, okay? All right at first. I was gonna go Exactly 50% I wanted to just be like I don't know half the people will say they do half people won't Do you make your absolutely not no our guests does somebody know our guests coming into my room today Yeah, then I'll make the bed. But every day? No, we don't make the bed every day.

I just know there's so many psychopaths out there that do. I've moved over to I usually make the bed. My wife will make the bed and make it so perfect. And it will be like the cabin bed that no one has ever seen other than us two. I I'm like this is so inconvenient Every time I need to get in this bed. There's tin show pillows in the time. I don't do that I just oh and all we have is look pro tip get rid of that stupid extra sheet just have your Why do they even come? I don't know man

What actually the flat sheet flat sheets are so stupid. I use the flat sheet all the time Get out of here with that nonsense. You just need the fitted sheet. No. You can fit it with a comforter. Yes. Fit it in a comforter. It's all you need.

No, that's way too hot. The flat sheet insulates you from heat. No, the flat sheet makes you warmer, bro. No, no, no. You're like, I sleep so hot. No, no, no, man. You can sleep with just the flat sheet. Yes.

You don't need the comforter. You can, but I can sleep with just the duvet. Yeah. Fancy, fancy. Well, this disagreement notwithstanding, what's your number? So I believe it's going to be about 50-50. I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to the messy people.

I'm going to go 49% make their bed every day. OK. All right, I've got my answer pretty secure then. Mike's thinking. I'm writing it down. I have written it down. I didn't put a percentage. Jason went with 49? Yeah. I went higher. I went lower it down. I have written it down Mike. I didn't put a percent Jason with 49. Yeah, I went higher

I went lower. Okay, I think it's gonna be more like 60 70 percent Mike is gonna escape with a point on this one. The correct answer is 20 percent It's definitely like 60 70 percent not even close and. And it's funny, because everyone in this room said they didn't do it. I know. I should have gone with that. I said I do. Oh, that's true.

Y'all slobs. How about you, Matt? Nope. No? Al? Well, hashtag not a sponsor, but Betty's makes my life super easy. So I zip up.

I zip my bed up, and it's made. And it looks great. My children have those sheets. They're smart kids. We've had those, and we still don't make the bed. All you got to do is zip it up. It's just one duvet. I put it up.

I don't do any. We've all got to do one more now, right? Yeah. And it's exactly tied? 2-2-2. So I am ready to lose. Here we go. All right.

What percentage of people get popcorn pretty much every time they go to the movie theater? Pretty much. That's doing a lot of theater. The pretty much is a problem. That's doing a lot of heavy lifting in this sentence here. Yeah. That's very subjective. What percentage of people get popcorn pretty much every time they go to the movie theater?

Yeah, how come mine wasn't? What percentage of people make their beds pretty much every day? This is a tough one because of the pretty much. Yeah, because I don't get popcorn every time. I'm going 65%. But the kids can pretty much talk me into popcorn. I think 65% of people pretty much get it every time. I have written down my answer.

I've got minus one. All right, I went higher. I went lower. OK. This is a good game. What was your number, Eddie? 65. Oh, OK. The correct answer was 83%

yeah I would have guessed 80 80 would have been my number really yeah so what does Jason get? He gets one point all right and pop well I'm ready to lose again pretty much we'll work on the wording of our holes yeah please we got Jason with three Mike with two pretty much sometimes always maybe gets it. This is a game of scientific research. Can we treat it appropriately? Thank you. This is about certainty and right and wrong.

All right, Mike, your turn. What percentage of people prefer The Lord of the Rings novels to the Harry Potter novels? Whoa. Whoa, whoa. The novels part here. Oh, good point. Is making it harder. Those are some long books.

Yeah, I would imagine the percentage of people alive today who have read the Harry Potter books compared to Lord of the Rings is a large percentage. Is it possible that no one has ever finished the Lord of the Rings ones? It's possible. It is possible. I ever finished the Lord of the Rings one. It's possible Okay, I feel like the director of the movie maybe Have read the original. What's your what's your number Mike? So I think it's low. I'm gonna go oh

But they're book nerds yeah, it's preferential. Yeah, if you have read both It's preferential, yeah. If you have read both, man. I was ready to just come out the gates with a real low number, but if you've read both, you probably prefer Lord of the Rings. So it's anywhere between zero and 100 for you. It's pretty much. You gotta pick a number.

This is a brutal one. This is impossible. Did you write down a number already Andy? I did too. Okay, percentage of people prefer Lord of the Rings novels. I will go... I will go... You want to just lose? Yeah. I'll give you this thing. Give me, give me 65%. Whoa! Okay. You wrote a number, Jay? Yeah. I thought it was gonna be super low, but then it's like if you've read them both. All right, I went lower. I went lower as well. I went 50. I went 25. 20s was the number I wanted to say until I talked myself out of it. And what did you go with? 65. All right, that could be right. It could be 80. I don't know. What is it?

The correct answer is 35%. Okay. So so wait Jason gets another point there. Oh You're right, man. I'm trying to get rid of this goose hat. Give me my point. You're up on me by a point Oh, this is this is important Mike. You got it. If you store here, it's done Jason with four and unlikely with two Wait, does the tie go to the existing loser? No, there's a tiebreaker. Oh, OK. All right. Go ahead, Jay. All right, final question.

What percentage of people have worn fanny packs? Have worn? Have worn. Yeah. How many people hold were alive in the 90s? Because if you were a kid, like a tween in the 90s, it's 100%. You already got your number?

I'm going 75% have worn a fanny pack. In this room, who's worn a fanny pack? Of course, all of us. Yeah, I'm taking, I got an answer. Go ahead, Mike. Do you have yours written down? I mean, I think I know where you're going. So I gotta play the game, guys. Oh no. We're going lower. I revealed, I're going so I got I got gotta play the game

guys oh no we're going lower I revealed I'm going lower oh I think the number I think Jason already lost Jason's so old that he's discounting the amount of people younger than him in the world I think is lower I think young people wear fanny packs all the time the correct answer is 65% so it is lower it didn't matter as soon as we were matched, it was over. Oh, yes. But that means I get to give you this hat. That's right.

I'll take it on the next show. No, no, no, no, no. Doesn't he have to put it on right now? No. Oh. No. He gets to wear it next time. All right.

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Okay. Alright. I'm so thrilled. I'm so thrilled. Um, we are drafting our favorite bald people. Our favorite bald people. And Mike, you have the number one pick in this hairless draft. I do have a 101.

I think I know who it is. This is not the draft that you are thrilled that you have the 101 but whatever I get my guy. My action hero. Oh yeah. Oh go ahead. I think I now. I think you pivoted. There's another one. But my, the action hero, Mr. John McClane, I will be drafting Bruce Willis.

That was my O. I thought you went with another one. No, I know who you're talking about. But shout out Bruce Willis, the goat. Yeah. OK, OK. All right. So far so good for me getting both of my guys. But you only get one pick. I know, but so far so good on that

because you didn't take either one of them. I'm trying to play the game here. I'm gonna go Michael Jordan. Okay. Greatest basketball player ever live. Fully bald, real bald, shaves it, bald. None of this hair around the sides, bald stuff. You don't like the like, you know,

leaving anything to doubt. That's right, that's right. I'm a little sad I didn't get Jordan. Jordan was on the list, but it wasn't. He's on mine somewhere. Look, the pick that I thought would go number one is The Rock, and that is who I am taking with my number one pick.

I've soured. You don't like The Rock? I've soured on The Rock. It's kinda playing out a little bit. Well regardless, he's still bald. Yes. Well right, we're not saying you can't pick him. Yeah, no. He's a legal draft pick, but it's favorite bald people. So he's not even on my list. You've soured. He's on my list. I thought that might have been your number one pick. Just watch more John Cena and you'll be like, oh yeah, the Rocks great. Agreed. I could just watch neither. I'm for my

second pick I'm going with Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean? I'm taking Mr. Clean. Okay. Wow. Not on my list. Yeah I don't want to be. His head. Yeah. We know he's real bald. Look I I didn't want to just take all the real people. Okay. I wanted to have some little wild cards in there. You got Caillou on your list? No, I don't. No, I don't.

That kid should have Harry's like nine years old. I'm going The Rock and Mr. Clean. Alrighty. Well, I got my 101 and my 102, and I'm glad because I think you might have gone Michael Jordan if I went the opposite direction, but I'm taking Jean-Luc Picard, United Federation of Planets, Patrick Stewart.

Yeah. That was the first name I thought of when we said we're doing a ball drive. I was like, oh, I gotta have it. You clearly mean Professor X, but that's okay. Sure, dude. Well, you're on the Star Wars side, he's on the Star Trek side.

I mean Patrick Stewart. I adore Patrick Stewart. I could watch him in any role. When did he go bald? Oh, man 80 years ago So long Star Trek was not recent I mean they're still making them listen This was a long time ago and he was bald as Jean-Luc Picard. I'm now going to Google Patrick Stewart with hair. He was 19 years old 19 years old when he went bald? Yeah, the British actor opens up about going completely bald when he was just 19.

Wow. So that would have been 1825. Started losing it at 17, completely bald by 19. I tell you what though, this guy with a haircut? This dude's a babe. Wait, you found him with a... Oh yeah, I posted. I put one in there too. Patrick Stewart with hair. Look at this guy. That can't be him.

No, that ain't him, bro. Oh, and people are fooled. I was fooled. Well, whoever this guy is, he looks like Patrick Stewart, and he's a good-looking guy. All right, so you're going Patrick Stewart, Jean-Luc Picard. Mike's just posting Hansel and Min in our Slack channel.

Who kind of look like Patrick? They have nothing to do with him. And Mike, you got Bruce Willis. I do. Great. This draft is going incredible, Jason, because I got my top two guys. Oh, fantastic.

And Andy got his top two guys. So I got Bruce Willis. Look, I mean, this guy's been in a bajillion movies. But he has, in fact, been in a die-hard movie with Mr. Bruce Willis. I will be taking Samuel L. Jackson, another one of my favorites. Dude, Sam Jackson.

Kind of souring on him. No, you are not. No one has ever. He's in too much. Yeah, I agree. It's like the Star Wars franchise. They made too many films. Get out of here.

What do you know them for? The commercials don't help. Give me one. Capital One? It is. That's what he is now. But you're telling me you wouldn't take that Capital One, Shmone?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm totally like, Cap One. Listen, I have. I'm bald. I will shave my head and do your commercials. Look, I will do your commercials, please reach out But you know, I'm just saying and also the problem with Samuel L Jackson here Obviously you could take him so many great movies where he's bald

But I don't think of him as always bald like pulpit really pulp fiction. He's you know, okay Like one of his most famous roles. He's got a full, awesome head of hair. And it's like, so I just don't see him as like. Bald enough for you? Yeah. Okay, he's all the way bald. Oh no, I know he goes all the way bald. He's about 200 years old though now.

But like, you never saw Bruce Willis with hair, right? Did we? I mean like a buzz cut maybe? No, it's that same picture. No, he actually. That he posted in Patrick's post. Oh, he was a handsome guy. I think he came moonlighting.

I think he was on like a... Like in my generation of knowing Bruce. In the very first Die Hard. He had hair and that. He still had some. Some squirts. It was on the way out. Some sprigs.

Yeah. Yeah, all right, so you went Samuel L. Jackson. All right. You got another pick. I do Just gonna peruse my list really quick Okay, yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna lock in on this. I'm gonna take a basketball player as well Hmm, but he is now known for the round mound to rebound He is known for talking about basketball far more. I will take the Chuckster.

I will take Charles Barkley. Knucklehead. Yeah. Dang it. Yeah, that's right. That was 100% my next pick. I could see what you're doing. I assumed you were just going to go basketball player,

basketball player. Me? Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were going to go those two. I was going to finish it out. I was going to go Patrick Stewart in the ball team. A bald team.

See what I did there Alright, well that stinks that might that might really affect which direction I do I think I'm gonna change strategies Because if I can't get the three pack that I wanted of I know what the last one is there right of course because There's three like like, you know. Iconic. Iconic ball basketball players.

So if I'm going a different direction, then I'm going to go... You know, I just love this guy so much. I just enjoy him. I think he's funny and endearing. I'm going to take Steve Harvey. I love Steve Harvey. He's my favorite Family Feud host. He'd be good on a mustache draft as well. Yes, he would. We should put it on the list. But save it to when you have the first pick. I don't think he'd be the no. Sam Elliott's. Hello. Yeah, there's Sam Elliott and again. Hello. Sam Elliott Elliott and

Now that you said same alley, I lost it. Yeah, Burt Reynolds is like the 101 Alright, so you went with Steve Harvey. I have the rock and mr. Clean So I'll I'll make sure I compete on the basketball front. I'll take Shaq. Yeah Shaq is my third pick in this draft it's also Like I have a theme right now like the rock. Mr. Clean. Yeah. Shaq. Like these are not you don't get no last names. Right. So that means I'm going with Voldemort. Oh my gosh that's good. I'm going Voldemort with the final pick. I was. Oh baby. I was thinking what is a one name ball person left and I was sure you were going Pitbull. I was thinking what is a one-name bald person left, and I was sure you were going pitbull Good but no I'm gonna go with Voldemort okay, okay?

All right well ironically I'm going to take hmm a One named person that is also left pitbull outside of pitbull also a musician, but one named person that is also left. Pitbull. Outside of Pitbull. Also a musician, but instead of annoying as one,

an all-timer. Maybe best of. CeeLo Green. That's three names. An all-timer? An all-timer. And he's, and they're bald. He's bald. And they're bald. Tupac. Okay. It's Tupac, baby. Okay. And they're ball. Tupac. Okay.

Tupac, baby. Okay. I mean, it's Tupac scores, so it's like not really one. But you could just say Tupac. Okay, Tupac. There you go. Yes, there you go. Maybe you're going Sinead O'Connor.

But then it was the two names. Yeah, go ahead, Mike. You have Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, and Charles Barkley. And for my final pick, it was the third guy I thought of, because definitely bald, despite what Jason was saying. Oh, I know who it is. It's Larry David. Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, Larry David, creator, co-creator. Larry David is bald. He's got a bald spot. There's a difference between having a bald spot. Larry David is literally why they made George Costanza who is also bald. It's just a spot. I feel like that's a whole Seinfeld episode in itself. I'm not bald. It's just a spot. It's just a spot. It's the entire top of your head. I mean, I get it, but you don't become bald just because you shave

it. You become bald. You're bald. I can agree that it's when you give up. When you have this. When would you shave your head? Let me ask you that. When would your hair have to... Would you shave it when you were at Larry David's stage? Oh yeah. Then you're bald! Yes then I'm bald. Yes you're correct. You completed the mission. Yes, because I completed it and now I'm bald. I shaved my head. I was balding and now I'm like, you know what, it's time to just be bald. When you look in the mirror and you say, it's time, that's the moment you are bald at that moment. When you say it's time? Before you shave. 15 minutes later, that's when you've completed the mission. Alright, you went Larry David. I could have gone George Costanza for the pick, he was on the list.

Vin Diesel was on the list. Jeff Bezos was on the list. Bezos was on mine, but it's not my favorite. I thought you were going to go Danny DeVito. I thought that's where you were heading with the hair that's not fully- Oh, and I thought you thought that I meant Jason Statham. I thought you might. On my list, I got Dave Bautista on my list.

He is, while The Rock has fallen out of favor, Dave Bautista has moved up. He has moved up. He's getting better and better and so enjoyable. You really don't like him? He did a pretty bad job in that second Wise Dune movie. I thought he was terrible in the second one. You see what I'm saying? I can see what you're saying, but I as a snooty person

I read the books and the character really fit that kind of outlandish bad acting the character was a bad actor. Yes All right, so Bruce Willis Samuel L. Jackson Charles Barkley Larry David for Mike Jason has Jordan Patrick Stewart Steve Harvey and Tupac and I went went with the Rock Mr. Clean Shaq in Voldemort. I can't believe I got Barkley. Well, you know. What do you think the public, like if I was doing another Guess Guess Goose, I'm gonna have you pick a number.

People that prefer Shaq to Barkley, Barkley to Shaq. I think- People that prefer Barkley? Like what do you think that number is? 75% of people prefer Charles Barkley. Now what if you made it only about the playing career? Then it's Shaq. 75% Shaq.

Okay, so that's what I think it is too. I think people were more fans of Shaq. As a player, yeah. As a player. We were more fans of Barkley because we're in Arizona and he was... Like you're giving Sam Jackson crap about commercials. You see how many commercials Shaq is in?

Barkley too, he used to do the, Shaq will do anything. I'm not a role model. At least Sam Jackson's like waiting for major brands. You don't have to be a major brand. No, Shaq will do like the Admiral Car Insurance or something like that. Anything, anything.

You got like a vapor rub off brand. He does tell a story about why he does the I think it's the general Oh, yeah, is it a good reason it? Yeah, it really it was Michael. It was money No, I think it was like if I remember right it was something about like when he was young and he like it was it Was hard for him to get insurance and he was able to get it something like that But there was a story. Well, they don't have a budget so I do believe that story What did we learn today? I know what Jason learned. Oh, what did I learn? What bald is? No, I still I learned that I refuse to accept what bald is

I learned that the amount of people making their beds is very low I Learned of course that I've got a new way to open my Amazon packages. I'm going to try that out later. Gah! I've got a pretty sharp elbow. Does that work?

Dude, it's easy, man. Will that work well? It'll always break in. Just pull the lid up. Enjoy. OK. I've got some glasses in the Amazon box. Is that a problem?

Yeah. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.