Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 291: Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

On this hilarious episode, a surprise scat gets things rolling, then we dive into the world of zombie royalty, the importance of post-apocolyptic bidets, and learn about In-Law School before heading into a Things That are Pointy Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Everything you want, and it fits you perfectly. Customize your summer style with Indochino. Go to Indochino.com and use the code BALLERS to get 10% off any purchases of $3.99 or more. That's 10% off at INDOCHINO.com with the code BALLERS. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skip it, bop, boop, bop, boop, ba-doop, ba-da-ba-da-ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- I feel like you didn't take any chances I feel like you didn't take any chances I really want to wait so that was Papa Josh

welcome to the show our Borland is not is not here today he's on vacation you are going to say is not with today, he's on vacation. You were gonna say he's not with us. I was gonna say he's no longer with us, you know, R&B. And so right before the show, we made Papa Josh, who is sitting in the main, you know, he's, what do they call that in band? First chair? First chair producer today?

Yeah, so he's the first chair producer, we're like, congratulations, you get scat. I just wanted worse, I just wanted way, I wanted a colossal calamity of this wasn't the the guy that gets up and does the What am I thinking of no idea? Karaoke going up and doing the generic karaoke

You know, that's all it was. It wasn't taking a chance. This is not some extreme song that he went up and on stage and did this was this is vanilla That's a good point. Now. What am I thinking? Just so you know you only get out of scats when Al Borland doesn't So you're still next. I mean you're the next one too. That's fine, that probably means I have to get the number one pick again next week, so I'm down with that. Yeah, you would actually. Would you rather life advice and-

That's all right. That's fine. I'll allow it. I tried. And today we're drafting things that are pointy, so I'm sure you're thrilled to have the number one pick. We've got a great show for you today. You can follow us at SpitballersPod over on Twitter slash X, YouTube dot com slash Spitballers

to watch the show, and tell your friends about it. It's a family friendly podcast where we make our producer scat every 80 second show. Is that what it is? Something like that. 86 show. Let that what it is? 86 show. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Antonio from Patreon writes in and says, would you rather have to clean,

oh we're getting right into it. Would you rather have to clean urine off of the seat every time you go into a bathroom to take a number two. Okay, so you have to sit. Right. Or never be able to use a bidet again the rest of your life. So this is a trick question for Jason. He would never go and take a number two in a public place.

Well, that is true. I do avoid that at all costs. And there are great costs to holding on to what I have to hold on to. But it's like I have so much experience cleaning up pee off of the toilet. I'm telling you. Why? I'm telling you, I'm telling you my youngest. He has children.

My youngest has never, never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet. Dude, that is a parenting problem. I agree, bad job by me. I'll take the L. Can I just, I wanna fix. I'm with you, the boys are nasty. And look, we don't run with the sign.

Apparently, that's maybe the parenting fail is, I don't have the if you sprinkle when you tinkle sign. I don't have the nursery rhyme up on the wall reminding everyone. That's the only thing that'll get it done. Maybe. Did you have that signed up? No, I didn't.

And none of my kids be on the mean. You know of. There is one problem in our house, though. Yeah, here we go. All right. Maybe did you have that snow? No, I didn't and none of my kids be on the mean that you know Oh, I will I there is one problem in our house though. Yeah Alright, mr. Pairns of the year. Yeah, we we've got an occasional flushing issue. Yeah, you got a Duke Schneider lift over Yeah Rather clean up a little bit. I think I would do man when I go in there and I find like something cooking I mean, oh, it's cooked you I mean it's you open the door you Why is it in there? Why isn't somebody noticed it?

Yeah, I mean I wanted to change the question because I just don't feel like this one really fits the bill Jason how many times do you go to the bathroom per day? at all P or poop out no no no no just poop once usually usually one healthy BM a day I Would I wanted to change it to like do you want to live your life with no bidet no or You got to do one public poop and one home poop a day, but you keep it Let me ask you a question.

Is the bidet in the public area? Nah. Wipe once, but then, look, we've all been on vacation where it's like, okay, you don't have your bidet to clean you off, but you're thrilled to get home and get fresh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm gonna do whatever gets me a bidet. So you're willing to public poop? If that's the only way I can get a bidet,

then I'll have to do it. I mean, spit wads, if you don't have a bidet, I don't blame you. This is one of your biggest, like if you're running for office, this is one of your platforms. 100%. I don't wanna shame you because I spent the majority of my life without a bidet

You know, you don't know what you do were in the dark. Just like you know, if you're living in America, you don't have a bidet We didn't grow up with bidets. They're not as common here Some but I want you know even know what it means a bidet is like, you know You can get the little toilet seat or it could be the whole toilet which will wash your booty when you're done, right? It'll wash it'll dry can do all sorts of magical things. It can be fancy where it's warming the seat and warming your water. It can be cheap where it's just going to spray like a fire

hose of cold water on your booty. Yeah, that's the kind that Josh gets. But what I want you to understand, I am not shaming you. But you are freaking disgusting. OK? You're just, you are. disgusting okay you're just you are you are thinking you're shaming them no no no no it's not your fault but you need to be aware how awful nasty now you are you know I was very I was the last one to the party yeah you laid it off to I was pretty resistant to I was just like I don't need this in my life. It doesn't benefit me at all

Mm-hmm, and I kind of I had to I Had to face the truth one day Which is a tough brother. It's a tough thing to do to reach that point. We're like, oh Well, how did I live another way? Well in the seed that why why did I choose to opt into that? I didn't know once the revelation happens with certain products in your life, where it's like, oh, how did I live without this? When you go back, like when we travel and we're on vacation. Is it better to never have bidet at all?

It means like the old. OK, that's a guess. Is it better to have bidet and lost the bidet than to never have bidet at all? Because now when you vacation. Yeah, you realize that. And you know your body has compensated. It needs the bidet.

Oh yeah. So when you don't have it, it's probably not feeling great. Oh yeah, you're tearing that thing up. You're just, yeah. That's where I was going. For sure, man. If this thing's not used to getting wiped into oblivion, then when you go on a vacation and you, you know.

And who's to say what toilet paper you get? First of all, when you go on a vacation, you're eating a certain way. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah. That's part of the problem. Yeah, yeah it is. And then you won't tear it up.

I barely walk when I get back from vacation. And I need that bidet. Yeah. Now you have a, but you do have a vacation bidet now I do I travel now is that a handheld it is a handheld So you've got to aim that I are in every operated now. Do you want do you put warm water in? Oh, you know it brother oh I'm waiting for that sink to warm up before I fill that thing. I wonder how long

You would survive in certain places not long. Yeah I wonder how long you would survive in certain places. Not long. Yeah. Brady says, would you rather be patient zero of a zombie apocalypse or be the last one standing? Ooh. Patient zero means you've been bitten and converted. The patient zero is you are the reason

that the infection happens. Oh, that's right. That's right. You are the zombie. Yeah, you are the original OG zombie that if people survive and they're able to trace it back, they'll find you. I am curious, Mike, you're the zombie expert here.

Yes, Dr. Zombie, yeah. Is there, I know this isn't the huge, but is there any canon on zombie lore where- Oh, you were gonna ask the same thing I was gonna ask. Where zombie number one is King Zombie. Oh, you were gonna ask the same thing I was gonna ask. Where zombie number one is King Zombie. Oh, no you weren't. Like, you know, the word. Right, yeah, there are movies.

Zombie leaders? Yeah, there are movies like that. I don't care for them as, like, I think Josh, Army of the Dead, like, they had a King Zombie in that one as well, which. Definitely not for the podcast. He's approving me, and I'm passing it on to the audio listen.

Yeah, I mean, you could have said anything. So there's a king zombie, which it brings in some problems with the zombies, because the whole terrifying thing, to me at least, of a zombie is just, there's no thought process at all. It is simply a mechanical creature moving forward looking for food, and it will, and it cannot be stopped. Where if you have a leader, now there's like orders

to follow and emotions, and so it's like, ah, I don't care for it as much, but it definitely does, it's out there. Let me give you a counter argument here, because I know we were all big fans of Game of Thrones. The White Walkers are essentially mindless, brainless zombies, and yet they have a leader. They have like-

The brain thing is what I was gonna bring up. And I don't know if they were brainless because they had strategy and thoughts and they did things. That was my point. Like if you're patient number one and zombies have no thoughts, therefore what's the point? I mean like if you can't, like why would I wanna be the first dead?

Because I'd be dead. Well here's why. You'd be undead. I know but I wouldn't have any memory. But here's the thing. The reason you'd wanna be that is because you didn't need to watch everyone around you die and get eaten.

You yourself did not get eaten into a zombie. Is a revolver for protection slash other kinds of protection purposes, is that like a necessary thing in the zombie apocalypse universe, like do you need to have the option to say good night before they eat you? You can, you can go with that strategy, but I mean, maybe you weren't asked this,

but weapon wise, a physical weapon is far more value, maybe not more, but you need to have a physical one because you're going to run out of ammo. I don't know man, they never do. Would you be fine inside of one of those hamster plastic balls in a zombie movie? Now that is an interesting question. I don't know if I've ever seen that strategy. Yeah, it's one of-

A big plastic, it can't be the inflatable one. No, they'll go right through the inflatable. If it's the plastic where it's full of air. Yeah, it's one big plan. It can't be the the inflatable. They'll go right through the inflatable. If it's if it's the plastic where it's full of air or metal even but just an actual no like a real hamster or really hard plastic. I think they can't get in that. I don't think they could get in. You can't get a you can't get a bite on it. Yeah, but you're grease that baby up. Yeah, here's the thing slipping all off. You're I mean there's there's holes in that right? Your fingers are gonna go through you wouldn't eat air holes Yeah, yeah, what's a finger gonna? Do I fingers gonna get bit?

But you know how big of an air hole do you need you can be it can be real tiny Do you know how small air is how big fingers are just thinking of I? Mean you got to be able to see out. What's clear plastic? Yeah, you know seeing clear What kind of? are you putting? Are you putting hamsters in balls they can't see out of with no air? OK. I'm looking at hamster balls.

They're totally clear. Yeah. OK. I remember these now. Yeah. OK. What were you thinking of? It was like a mesh, like a hard plastic, not see through.

You just look through the holes. I just feel like you could kind of cruise through the. That's not a thing. Well, you could cruise through the holes. I just feel like you could kind of cruise through the. That's not a thing. Well, you could cruise through the world in one of those. The problem, once you're, if you get swarmed and stopped, then you're done. Like you won't get. You won't be able to move out.

You won't be able to get out of it. I still always thought I would just attract them all to a fence and just, with a long javelin. If they're walkers. If they don't climb. If they don't climb. If they're just the walking zombies, you can be all right. If it's running zombies, then you'd rather be patient zero. Let's get it out of the way.

Let's get real. Yeah, I mean, do you want to be patient zero? Do you want to be the last one standing? Do you want to have fought to the end of? Yeah, I want to be the last one. You do? Yeah, I'm best. To no one, you're best to no one.

Yeah. No, no, I'm best to myself. I made it longest. But if you're- I don't think being best to yourself is gonna factor in. But you're first out of one. Like of the remaining people, you're one of one. So I'm your first loser.

Would you be content being the king of the world? King of all humans, if you're the only human. Is that how you would look at, would you crown yourself? I mean, so look. I'd at least hold an election. We've all, oh, that's, yeah. Oh, you'd do a Democratic vote for the people. Yeah, oh yeah, this is valid.

I voted. Yeah. I'm in charge. Can you vote for yourself? Yes. Of course you can. Oh, OK, good. You always cast your own vote.

Yeah. I mean, this is great. Unanimous. Unanimous president. Has there ever been canon of zombies that have thinking brains of any kind? Yes. Yeah, but that just like.

Well, so as far as I know, at least of the original real popularity spread was Night of the Living Dead. So Romero's movie from, I mean, it's a black and white movie. It's very old. And the third one, he started to dabble, I think it was Day of the Dead. Day of the Living Dead.

Don't talk to us as though we could validate or acknowledge your opinion. I'm talking to myself, I'm trying to figure it out. I believe it was the third one in his string of movies where they did start to think, because their old memories are coming back, so you see shots of like zombies playing the tuba and things like that.

Interesting. And then it was like, that's not for me. I'm gonna go last man. I'm going patient zero, baby. All right, Jason, you're last man. Yeah, I'm last man. If I made it to last man, that means I've got skills that I currently do not have.

That is true, yeah. You know what I mean? I know to get there, like I can aim a weapon, I can build a trap, I can't do that stuff right now. So you just need a zombie apocalypse to kind of- That's right. Home my skills. Yeah.

Just you need something to happen to make this world of how many bidets you got a little bit rougher. What can make you actually get into this shit? There's no way you have a bidet, by the way, if you're last man standing. Those are gone. Oh, the electric ones, all right. I would absolutely have a bidet.

I can just see him running with a gun in one hand and a backpack and a full bidet with a plug. He's holding under the other arm, sprinting, and they're like, let the bidet go. They're gonna get you, and you're like, never. you like never yeah there's principles George wants to know would you rather bite your tongue every meal no or stub your toe three times every day biting your tongue every meal is I don't care what it is same spot different spot if it's every meal you're you're sad to be different spot yeah well no you will same

spot eventually yeah because whenever you, you will same spot eventually. Yeah, because whenever you, oh man, there's just about nothing worse, whether it's your cheek or your tongue, when you've got that little bump, that little swollen part from one chomp, and then you just keep hitting it, and you're trying to avoid it,

you remember it's there most of the time, and then you get a little careless, and you go, ah, bro! Yeah, but I mean, you guys are underestimating stubbing your toe, because you're doing it three times a day, which means every time you do it for the first time, it hurts so bad, and then you're going, oh, gosh. Yeah, two more?

I have to do this two more times. I don't think I stub my toe often. I can't even recall. That's good, because you'd be a bad walker. Well, I'm just saying, I don't even like recall. That's good, because that's, you'd be a bad walker. Well, I'm just saying, like, I don't remember the last time I stubbed my toe where I'm like, where it was like a serious one, like painful, like, oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I don't know, I walked around the walk. You're just real accurate with your toes? I feel like my stubbed toes per year have gone down tremendously from, I think those peaked from 15 to 25.

Yeah, but you still get a good few every year. Few? I mean, how many? You're getting a few? Every year? Yeah. Yes. Really? Are you changing your furniture out a lot? No, you're walking with your eyes closed? No, you're doing new things? You cut a corner too sharp. I think it's doing new stuff.

I think the older you get, you do the same stuff. I mean you're probably sitting. I feel like every time I Is like nighttime is anyone the lights are toe sitting. It's this man The way It's just kicking his coffee table. Yeah, I mean it's got to be lights off. I don't know I don't know how you stub your toe it happens all the time man not to me people stub their toes Hmm, I bite my mouth or cheek or tongue at least like once every couple months that happens And then how many bites days days of bites the other bite of days of all our bites Yeah, might as well be a zombie in my mouth,

just gnawing on my flesh. I don't even know what that means. Mike, which one are you going for? I think I'd take the, I think I'd rather bite my tongue. I'm doing, I'm going to stub the toe. All right, let's take a break and dish out some advice. Spidmollers to the rescue. Well, you know, every so often we have to get real on this show. You know, it's fun and games. We like to make your week really happy, entertaining, enjoyable.

We goof off sometimes. We goof, sometimes we have a moment or two. Yeah. Where we're goofing around. No more. But this is about life advice, and sometimes we just need to keep it real, right Mike? I agree.

Yeah, Lucas from the website has a crisis he's going through and I think we're here to help. Yeah, we are. My significant other insists on keeping every single receipt. We have filing cabinets full of past paid invoices and receipts. How can I convince them to declutter and organize the receipts

without causing another fight about it? So Lucas is obviously married to a much older woman. Okay, so I am curious here. The second part of this question, how can I convince him to declutter and organize the receipts? Why do you have any? Why do you have it?

The other day. Andy, let me ask you because you're the most Organized. Yeah, we'll say organized. Good word, good word. Of us. You strike me as someone who might keep their receipts. Or at the very least, you have most recently

kept your receipts out of the three of us. Do you think I'm correct here? I get what you're saying, but I'm also like- Immediate reaction. Sir, would you like a receipt with that? If it's more than $500. He's already lost. If it's more than $500, sure.

Okay. For like just a minute, and then I throw it away. The truth of the matter is I was over, and this is gonna sell my parents down the river, I was over at their house, they just moved. And you know they're getting stuff for the house and I'm helping them set up the ring doorbell. And they're like, they didn't have one part that we needed for the ring doorbell. So I say you should pick it up on Amazon, here's the link.

My mom is so thorough, and this is why you think that I am this way, is because I inherited much of this. The organization. The organization. Yeah. She's so thorough that she gets to the last page on Amazon, and before she clicks place order, she goes and grabs a book, and she brings it back over, and she'll write down what she's buying

and how much it costs on the final invoice of Amazon mind you With it with paper with paper, okay So she has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of even though on Amazon It will tell you your orders in perfect accuracy and she had to write it down with the cost before she clicked play Play the order. Now did this book have previous purchases? Is this like a receipt book? Yes, this is like a record of everything she's bought on Amazon.

Now how do you keep that in order? There was a benefit from this. She had bought something else I told her to buy. We didn't need anymore. And it was a while back. And I'm like, oh, well, we can't return this. In Two Shakes of a Lamb's tail, she opened up a cabinet, and there was the box and everything that came with it,

and she had it all to ship right back. It's not worth it. But she didn't need the book for that. Well, no, she didn't need the book, but I'm just saying, it's part and parcel. It's part of keeping everything. It's all, if you keep track of everything in a really thorough way, once every 12 years, you need it.

OK, so to get back to Lucas here, don't convince them to organize the receipts without causing a fight. This is a get rid of receipts problem. What are your feelings on this? Like, do you not save any receipts because you just don't need them? Yes, you don't need them.

You don't need them for any place. No, you do. No, you don't. Where would you need one? Because you cannot, not every place has digital records of what you purchase, at all. Like if you didn't put in your phone number at Lowe's, for example. Oh yeah, they just look it up by the card. Yeah, credit card. No problem. If you're paying in cash, okay, that's a different story. But if it's by credit card, then it's tracked to your credit card.

Yeah, and I don't pay by cash. I feel like I've gone in some of these places and they'll be like, no, the best I could do is store credit because we don't have your receipt. That's... There are some places that do that. I don't, maybe Lowe's was the wrong one. But I feel like that, no, it definitely used to be that.

Now the key here is to snap a quick picture on your phone. Yes. And throw it away. Oh, that's actually a good advice. I do that sometimes on something important. I'll snap a quick picture. And I'm surprised how many times I need to reference the order number or something.

Because I'll call them up, and they'll be like, what is the number on the receipt or whatever? That is the real answer for the people who really want to keep everything. You just digitize, and then you have that organized. Why do receipts ever, why do they exist? Why do we do this? Because they used to be really important.

We do not need them. No, we needed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Passed that. Yeah, but like we got to- Now it's a remnant. It's a forgotten old, it's something to help the old people feel like they're still living in the world that they knew.

But I mean, it's still the young people. You know, you go to McDonald's, just they're printing out here. Well, I mean, you do need, look, if you buy something in the store, what's funny is like if they didn't give you a receipt or a bag, do you know that feeling? When they just hand you the box

and then you're like start walking towards Walmart's exit and then you don't have either of those things and it's like they don't know if you just took it off the shelf. It's to prove you purchased it. How would you prove? I think that every single transaction you make, like I don't know if you guys have experienced this recently,

I went to a farmer's market, okay, and they all accepted the car. Like the swipe or something? Yeah, they've got like the square or whatever. And so I tap my phone on their little thing. True, yeah, yeah. And then two seconds later, like they don't have a printer.

You've got a receipt in your. I've got a receipt in my email. It's just automated. I don't know how it works, it's magic, but it's done. Like it's time for this world to like grow up from receipts. It's all about the older generation not being able to acclimate. It really is. When you were young. The bridge and a gap, man. So,

Jay, when you were younger, did you ever keep your receipts? No. No. Back when you were supposed to and you had the shoe box, I think there was one year. Oh, not just the shoe box. I think. I'm talking about your wallets. Oh gosh no no. I had I had times in my life where oh the wallet it was like George Costanza it was like 75 deep just so many receipts. They had been there for so long that when you actually you pull it out and look at it you can't read anything. Right it's all worn off. Everything has rubbed and faded off it's just a piece of paper now that I carry around. So what I would do is if the problem which seems to be multiple filing It's all worn off. Everything has rubbed and faded off. It's just a piece of paper now that I carry around.

So what I would do is if the problem, which seems to be multiple filing cabinets of space, have them set a boundary. Look, you can stair step this. Things that cost more than $500, $1,000, you can hang onto those receipts for a month. Something like that. Yeah, it's digitized, man.

All right, is that good enough advice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. Pretty fantastic. By the way, is there any futuristic technology that you would decline from a privacy standpoint? Because you're talking about streamlining, right? Like if you walked in and it was just like

a retinal scan for purchase, or it was like drip your blood right here for purchase. That would be inconvenient. But yeah. I have a kind of a rule when it comes to my digital security or privacy, I think is more of the right word, that I have none. I already know that.

I've got no privacy. All my data is everywhere, so I don't care. Scan me blood but just whatever. Okay. That's how I live. Scan me, strain my blood. Chip me. Logan from Patreon needs some life advice.

Let's get serious again. Yeah, I'm sorry. My in-laws have moved into our basement, quote, and the quotes are probably important, temporarily, but it has been a year. How do I gently nudge them towards finding their own place without starting a family feud? Logan, you are in a tough, tough spot.

I'm not sure there's a more difficult situation to navigate, and I think Mike probably has some advice for you. What's the word when a judge is like, I'm too close to this case. They recuse the case. I have recused myself from this question. Oh. Wait, who wrote this question?

What is this coming in? It was Logan. Logan from Patreon. Well, thank you, Logan. So how do you? Look, there are some people that are built. Disregard the notes that I will be writing down. Ha ha!

There are some people in the world that don't pick up social cues or understand the sensibilities of the common man and woman. Oh, this is good stuff. And they'll never get it, right? Those people will never think to themselves, hmm, I wonder if I'm overstaying my welcome.

Yeah. There are people like that. Oh, for sure. You're gonna need a default. That would be my number one. Defaults on your mortgage? My number one piece of advice is to default. Oh, I think they'll let them stay there forever then.

That's fine, they can squat. But if you stop paying that bill, you will be kicked out. And then you gotta find a new place to live and you're gonna downsize. All right, different option. You adopt another child that needs the space to live in. Okay, okay, so. But that doesn't really fix your amount of people

in the house problem. I promise you your in-laws are gonna help build that crib in your bedroom. You know what I mean? They're not moving. Can you flood? What about a plumbing situation? Oh, we got nice backup.

Are you willing to get some remediation work? Is it worth? Like what would you pay in cash, Logan? Oh, that's a, yeah, I mean. What's your cash value of them leaving? Sometimes you gotta throw money at a problem, you know? I mean that is a, I mean. Like if they're in the basement,

let's say you're in a basement house, that's their area. You could back that thing up. What if it's in upstairs and that's where everyone already lives? I mean hypothetically speaking guys, Logan might have that problem. Okay, okay. Logan could have any, I mean heetically speaking guys, Logan might have that problem. Logan could have any, I mean he does say basement, but it could be the upper basement.

Yeah, yeah, so it's the upstairs and everyone lives there. I do like that I thought of like flooding the basement would cost you thousands and that thousands could have gone to getting them another place. I mean I think getting them another place is your option here. If you put a price tag on it, what's it worth to you? 50 grand?

That's a lot. 25 grand? That's a lot of money. But then the alternative is saying, they could live here forever. How do I nudge them towards finding their own place? Bed bugs? You want them to move out.

How do you actually get someone to, I think you gotta get your license. You gotta- What kind of license? Real estate. Oh. You gotta take this mantle out. Oh, cause then they'll feel like they wanna help you.

Absolutely, and you can give them a smoking deal. Oh my gosh, that's the solution. You can give them a 1%. Get a real estate license, it's not that expensive. No, it's like- I know. Yeah, it's like two grand, forget 50 grand, it's like two grand forget fifty grand. There's like two grand a couple weeks classes, and then it's like oh my gosh this is gonna be so great grandma and pop-pop because I Have a license and you need a home and I need to build up my portfolio

Yeah, it would be a real solid to me. Yeah, do you ever I'll give you a good rate commission free? Yeah, come on commission free. I'll give you a good rate. Commission free. Oh, commission free. I'll pay you 3%. Yeah. And then the nice thing is you're going to be able to open up a portal for them so that you can help. Every day, look at this one. This is a good solution. I mean, this is you helping them, them helping you. And in the end, boom, blam, they're out. So if you need some schools, me know, all of you out there in this situation. Yeah, if you're in Arizona, we've got a school we can rent for you.

Yeah, yeah. I think that's a great answer. So default or become a realtor, those are your two easiest paths. Or flood the basement. Like is there that many real estate schools? There's a handful. It's not just one.

They're not all the same. No, they're all super for profit. It's a private company. It's a private company. Oh, oh, oh. Lily from the website, my best friend insists on organizing themed dinners where you must dress as characters from obscure movies

and try to stay in character throughout the night. How can I escape these without hurt feelings? You need to recuse yourself. It was a wonder what these hand gestures were on the audio podcast. You were really struggling there. Is this a little too close to home? I think it is. What was the question?

It's about themed dinners. Yeah, I mean I think you guys, Mike hasn't talked a lot, so just pay no attention to these notes I'm taking. Themed dinners where he must dress as characters. Those can be fun, but you gotta do them very, very periodically. Yeah, exactly, cause I haven't done this, I mean we did one we did like a murder mystery party. I mean, this is now a year, two years ago.

Oh yeah. So reading this, I'm like, that sounds really fun. Because it's been a while. But if I had done one last week, I'd go, ooh. Yeah, that's too bad. And there's a lot of prep you gotta do. You know, you gotta buy stuff. So you can't do them that often.

Escaping things without hurting feelings is pretty easy I mean if I'm a realtor Get your license. I'm sorry. I got a client. I got a show That's the solution for all of life's problems. Get your license No, my you know it's like look Sometimes you get diarrhea. It's a realtor emergency. I need to leave. I'm getting paged. I mean we all get diarrhea from time to time. I'm just saying they're not gonna double-check your toilet you know. I mean I feel like you can probably. You're saying that as an excuse? I'm saying that. Show me that toilet. I don't believe you'll take a picture. I don't believe you for a minute. Take a picture, you liar.

I don't feel like I do not feel justified to be like, I can't come to your party because I got diarrhea. Like, that's not the sentence I want to say. OK, well. And I don't think diarrhea lasts long enough. I'm throwing up. I'm sick. Oh, well.

My point is like, you better show me that toilet. Yeah, I'm just saying lie. You're saying lie. I mean, I would bet for a lot of these, you can find the right character that will help you get out of things. Like a mime. You just show up and you don't have to do nothing. Well you would have to mime.

Aren't you a award winning mime, Jason? That is true, I do have a trophy. That is a fact, I did win a war. But I'm saying like, be a dodgy character, someone who disappears, or they're a bit part, and they're barely in the movie, and you're just like, I was really respecting the character. Let's be honest here, you're getting a dinner out of this.

Yeah. Unless you're the one having to host it, you're getting a dinner. out of this. Yeah. Unless you're the one having to host it, you're getting a dinner. It just sounds like you're uncomfortable with your accents. Maybe you'd get a dialect code.

There we go. Yeah, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think Mike is right. It's a matter of picking the right character. Let's go through some practical application here. They're doing a Lord of the Rings party. Okay.

Okay, so we gotta find the character. And my accent. Yeah, see, so we got to find the character and my Yes, see that wouldn't be good. That would be like now you got to do an accent now You got to have you got to have a beard. You got to probably bring an axe. Hmm So it's like what character I think you picked a rough movie what is We're here to answer hard problems. What was Gandalf in between? We're here to answer hard problems. What was Gandalf in between gray and white? Missing. Yeah.

Dude, there you go. I'm Gandalf the Missing. Don't show up. Don't show up. And then when they text you. I'm between gray and white. Yes. Hold, please.

Just wait. And then at the very end of the night, show up in your white Gandalf the White outfit. And you home run that thing. Balrog just got me. Show up. Yes in your white get gandalf the white. Yeah outfit and like you Bell rug just got me you home runned that that's Primo so this is so so find a character that's been dead in the movie so you can at least leave halfway Absolutely. So Lily, this is your answer It's a matter of finding the right character show up for the least amount do the least win the day

Yeah, yeah and enjoy the dinner. All right, quick break in a pointy things draft. The Spitballers Draft Well today we are drafting things that are pointy. Things that are pointy. So Jason you got the number one pick here. Oh man. Yeah I know guys. The clear 101 and the pointy things draft. There is I think.

I mean there's a lot of pointy things out there. There's no limit on things that have a little bit of a point. I mean right. Yeah Nothing we say on this show, but otherwise there's a lot of things right So here I am with the 101. Yeah, I'm gonna look you ready I want something special something unique hmm Not just a regular old. Oh, that's got a pointy tip. I'm going with the, this is gonna be quite the draft. I'm gonna go with something a little magical.

I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn. Oh, okay, all right. It's special, It's unique. It's powerful. You can put strands of it in wands, from my understanding. So what does it do? It powers the wand.

It provides the magic. Oh, there's nothing else? I had unicorn horn on my list. And I thought that would be a sneaky one for later, in the draft. I didn't know it'd be the one I want. Yeah, I mean. Nerd question. Yeah, I mean. Nerd question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a sliver of the unicorn horn goes in the wand. Right. And then there's a phoenix feather is also another. So this is just like the gasoline for the wand. You need a magical item. Yep. Ah.

A dragon heart string. It can just be a hair, yeah. Yeah. OK. All right. Cleared it up. It can just be a hair. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Cleared it up.

Yeah. No, you got it. Okay, so I'm going with something pointy for my pick, and I've actually been oddly obsessed with this item in the last month. You know how you become fascinated by something and then you watch a bunch of documentaries and read books? Yeah. I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick.

Is there a point? Yeah, there's a sharp point on the top of Everest. It's a mountain, so it's not a plateau. Sure, but I see a lot of mountains where I don't sit there and think, oh, there's a point. Well, I mean, every mountain has a leak right draw a mountain draw a mountain on a piece of paper Tell me what you end up with okay. That's a hell What if it's really big? That's not a it's not a man. I'm just drew this Mike

He just drew a squiggle this a semi-circle. Yeah, that's the start out mountains. I'm taking Mount Everest things We're trying to ruin my pants. Yeah, that's not a mountain. I'm taking Mount Everest. Things are trying to ruin my picks. Yeah, that's what I'm here for. He's just jealous. You wish. It's a pretty good pick. Yeah, so I know. I'm super into Everest right now, so I'm taking Mount Everest.

OK. All right. It's a pointy thing. So Jay, I thought you were going to get the 101. Oh, but you got it? I did. Oh, man. It made it all the way through the first two picks and I'm surprised cuz I tipped my hand We were we were talking about gandalf. I wondered come on guys. It's the Wizards hat

Yeah, the Wizards hat is the Wizards. I probably would have gotten Mount Everest on the way back wouldn't I? Let me I'm gonna check my notes. Yes. Yeah darn. Yeah but no you gotta start it off with... The wizard's hat is a great pick. Yeah. Gryffindor. Yeah it's great. It's great. That's a good pick. And then I will take... So to be clear we have so far we have one real item and two fake pointy things. What a wizard's hat is a real thing. So is a unicorn horn

No, I don't I was much. I mean is a wizard's hat a real thing. Yeah Yeah, you could I can give you a hat right now and wizards aren't real correct, but a wizard's hat is real I guess that's true It's weird. Yeah, okay They aren't magical. I'm sorry Wizard there are no wizards chill. That's a Mickey Mouse They aren't magical. I'm sorry to tell you that part. But to be fair, they're never magical. They're not wizards. There are no wizards. You can tell that to Mickey Mouse.

The sorcerer's apprentice. His hat. But his hat's not pointy, right? Oh no, it is. Pretend! It's a wizard hat so of course it's pointy. I thought it was a top hat, of course. You know that a wizard's hat, if you make a wizard's hat right now and someone puts it on is just a person's hat Right, you know that that's what I'm saying. Don't put it on. Wait, if you don't put it on it could still be a wizard

Thank you. All right. Speaking of very real things. I will take Wolverine's claws Come on Wolverine's claws very pointy very very pointy There I mean it's so pointy. I'm so disappointed out of his hands every time three of my items Three of the top ones on my now. I've got to take something really pedestrian wait We've managed to take three of your picks. Yes Incredible yeah, good work Wolverine's claws Gandalf's hat slash wizard hat is what I wrote down. And then of course, a unicorn horn.

So I've got Mount Everest, I'm gonna just go with a sword. Okay. I mean look, sometimes you gotta take a pointy thing. Yeah, no it's... In a pointy thing strap, you gotta, sometimes you gotta go with a pointy thing. Gotta go with the, get to the basics. The pointiest of things, a sword. Oh man, I like sword sword that was on my list

I don't have a very big list. Oh Wow, you said that with such real Yeah struggle now I would what I would do Jason start thinking of more pointing things and write them down struggled to find pointy. Yeah, that's You got two picks right now. Yeah, and I'm gonna make two great picks. Look, this is what I think is the best Pick in this draft. I knew it could come back to me.

There's no way you guys would take it. You're gonna be like, ah, it's too round. No, there's nothing that is a better pointy thing. You're pre-attacking our criticism? Yes. There is nothing more pointy. Nothing more pointy? Than your pointer finger.

I am taking my pointer finger, baby. I'm on point. Look how pointy I am. That's fine. It doesn't have to be sharp to be pointy. They call it your pointer finger. They call it your pointer finger. I'm a point at everything.

I'm going to make good points. That's what I'm going to do. What have we become? What has he become? And then I got two picks here. The show is pointless. Yeah. All right.

I'm going to... You're going to go with a thumb? We're going to go... They don't call it... There's one pointer finger. Okay, that's fair. There's one. We did the zombie thing.

I'm out! I'm going to take a vampire spike. Okay. Okay, because... A'm going to take a vampire spike. OK. OK, because. A steak? Yes, a steak. Josh thought that one's very funny.

What was the thoughts, Josh? It was so funny back there. It's just a vampire spike? It's called a steak, man. Did I say a vampire spike? You did. Yeah. I haven't literally written down as vampire steak,

because of course it's a steak. But yes, a vampire steak, because that thing it's a steak. But yeah, it's a vampire steak, because that thing. That's not like a T-bone. That's got to be, it's got to be sharp, it's got to be pointy. You're having to get this through flesh. And it's got to be able to, you don't want it to break. You know it's strong.

I'm gonna follow it up then with a vampire one too. Oh, I wrote vampire fangs. Yeah. So I'm taking those. What do you feel about that? Way cooler. Way cooler. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I thought you were going to take another one from the list, but you didn't. So just so we know where we're at with. Yeah, catch everyone up. Jason has a unicorn horn. Awesome. That's actually a phrase that's pretty weird to say unicorn horn

give it a try pointy finger and a vampire stake or a spike as he said oh man if you used a spike it wouldn't work because it's not wood oh man that would be so disappointing. You can have wooden spikes yeah i guess so. Yeah.

I think of a spike as like one of the things they use on the railroads to hammer them in. I guess some of those are wood too probably. I have Mount Everest, a sword, and vampire fangs. Mike has a wizard's hat and Wolverine's claws. And two more picks. Oh, it's set up perfectly, guys, because I've got a combo here. Uh-oh. I got a combo.

Two points? I got a combo of two points. Just this is a- Call that a field goal. What? No, you don't? What? Two points?

A two pointer. Oh, like a basketball field goal? Yeah, yeah baby. Oh my- Swish! I'mpointer. Oh like a basketball. Yeah. Yeah, baby I'm on fire. Go on Mike. Whoever is dealing him drugs needs to stop Anyways, it's a it's a we do a football show. It's a special shout out to all the spelunkers out there Okay, who are listening? We have a huge demo. Yeah a lot of Splunkers audience. You're getting both! I'm getting, I'm getting, Stellag Mites and Stellag Tites, baby! That's nice, cause you don't even, now it doesn't matter which one's the top.

I don't care, I got both. Incredible double pick. Wow, Mike. Now, they haven't showed up in our show dock yet, cause I know Josh doesn't know how to spell them. Yeah, one of them has a C Still lack Still ag might I don't know. Yeah, that's a great pick. It is lag It's still a so one of them does not have a C then still ag might still lack tights really. Yeah

This is what you've remembered from class. This is what I saw on the Google Wow I'd not remember that but just for those keeping track at home the the stalactites are the saw on the Google. Wow. I do not remember that. But just for those keeping track at home, the stalactites are the one on the roof. They're holding on tight. On the roof. Yeah, the cave roof. The ceiling? Yeah.

Yeah. OK. We're so science. My final pick, I'm going to go, I don't want to be boring. I could take another boring pick. I know so many pointy things. I mean, I know hundreds of pointy things. But I'm gonna go with a swordfish. I'm going with a swordfish.

That's a great pick. They're cool, man. They got a sword, I got the sword and the swordfish. Yeah, you got the human version and the fish version. Yeah, dude, I got two versions of a sword. Going with the swordfish for my final pointy thing. Swordfish has made many appearances in our drafts. Yeah, as it should.

I mean, I think swordfish is one of the cooler animals. Yeah, yeah, I think it is. It really is. But don't you think it can get stuck? In something? Yeah, like if it goes in like, you know, just, you know. A hole? Goes right into a whale. Oh, like it pierces Yeah it would be it's stuck forever. Because can they

swim in reverse? Would you rather be not strong enough to for the force? Would you rather be a cool looking animal that has problems like that or an ugly looking animal that's just utilitarian it just works like a blob fish? I want to be cool. Yeah because the blob fish it I want to be cool. Okay. Yeah, because the blob fish is not going to be part of the pointy things draft. No, no. Jason, you get one more pick. You got unicorn horn, pointer finger, a vampire stake, and then you're going to need another pointy thing.

I was thinking about a puffer fish, but swordfish is a puffer fish on my list. Swordfish is cooler. You already beat me with the vampire. Yeah, you don't wanna pick a secondary. What about a sword puffer fish? Is that a thing? I don't know. Oh man, they gotta start breeding them. So, I'm...

Is that a thing? The guy with unicorn horn. So I'm going to draft punk rock hair. That's what I'm gonna draft. Okay, there you go. Very pointy, very anime style. Okay, you're going the whole, you're not gonna do a mohawk?

Whatever. Whatever, pointy hair. He's defending that with such vigor. It's the best pick I've ever made. I am so impressed. What a great pick. Did you come up with that just on the spot here? Oh yeah, oh yeah.

What a draft. Here's a question for you. How many times, because you know the answer's not zero, how many times have people tried to make a unicorn, you think? You've gotta imagine somebody somewhere tried to make one. I don't believe that's true. How do you, like a narwhal and a horse?

Oh man. Like a new breed? That is what I'm getting, or a rhino and a horse would be another way to do it. But a rhino's not a unit. Yeah, there's a couple. No, rhinos got, They got like the small one before the big one. Yeah. All of rhinos have doubles? I believe so. There's not couple. No, rhinos got like the small one before the big one. Yeah, all of rhinos have doubles?

I believe so. There's not like a single? Like, you know how some of the camels have got one, two, three humps? You don't think there's a rhino with like a single? I don't think any camels have three humps. I know, we got a biologist in the building, Papa Josh. Wait, there are no three humped camels?

Oh, Josh is shaking his head back there. Hold on, hold on. Yeah, no, we have a one. There is a one-horned rhino. Oh, all right, so you breed that with a horsey? Yeah. So I was right. Maybe, but when you said that people were trying

to make a unicorn, I literally thought about the magic. I'm like, nobody thinks they can make a magical animal Okay, I would give unicorns as cuz they're like can fly or whatever or no that's Pegasus. That's a Pegasus Uh, so nobody's a magic. What do they do? What's their magical power? They have extreme healing properties. They're blue They're there. They're not just on be your dr. Unicorn. Yeah, it's part of Harry Potter. Yeah, you're Dr. Unicorn? Yeah. Okay. This is part of Harry Potter. Yeah, it is. Hey, Papa Josh and we've got the Falcon in the building.

Any glaring omissions from our pointy things draft that you guys could, that you guys thought of? I was going to say narwhal, but then you guys mentioned it, so. Yeah, I had porcupine quills on my list. What did you have, Matt? I was going to say like a spear. Jason. Oh, man! Oh I was gonna say like a spear Jason! Oh man!

Oh! How did I miss a spear? Wow, you had to go for a vampire stick. I put that on the end of a stick and now I got a real weapon. Yeah, you would've. I am pretty surprised you didn't go with spear. How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself. Well You'll you'll live What did we learn today? There's a one-horned rhino I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major

life events I learned that a wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head all right that'll do it for the spitballers thank you for joining us once again. Thank you Papa Josh for dropping that very vanilla scat on us and we'll be back with another episode next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.