Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 292: Pantry Cams & Best Movie Deaths - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

It’s an episode to remember as we find out WAY too much about Jason’s Pantry habits, solve some mind-bending math problems, ride roller coasters to work and wrap things up with a Best Movie Deaths draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Meet Mike from Toronto. Mike's an actuary. He's got a head for numbers. Uh, more accurate to say the odds. But at Woodbine Racetrack, he becomes Sir Michael of the Six at the Kings Plate. You too can rule the day as you experience the excitement of horse racing, the fashion, the grandeur, the party of the summer, the betting. I call it wagering. I've got multiple picks over three races.

Far lay away, Sir Michael. August 17th. Get your tickets now at KingsPlay.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Smittballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Eek out! Oh no! Yikes! I'm totally dead! I wish there were a few more... little exclamations. Yeah. yeah, but no, I liked it. I liked it. Yeah, that was pretty good. For me, it was pretty good.

Yeah, I liked it. If you're grading on a curve, that's an A plus. Yeah, I think there's a lot to unpack there. One thing being that you took the scout upon yourself. I mean, last week we gave it to Papa Josh. And you could have skipped it. I mean, we did give you the option. You could have. We didn't really give him the option. No, no, no. I did. You were in the room. I said I'm happy to do it. I was given the option. He was gonna move on and I said no, I want this scat. But no, hold on. It was offered. I was not in the room? That's true. Yeah.

Bro. Fake offer? Veto. Well, either way, unnecessary, I chose to do this guy because- I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that it was not of your accord. Okay, well it was both and. No. 100% Mike. Mike crawled in. Okay, we got it.

No, I'm with you now. I apologize. But there's a 101 in this draft to me and I believe Andy would have taken them, and so, you know, I guess the one-on-one. Him? It's a him. Okay, we are drafting the best movie deaths

on today's show. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot more than you think. And by the way, like, if you don't wanna hear who died in movies, you might wanna skip the draft, because we're gonna give you 12 spoilers. Right. Yes. Some of them are old, I'm sure. And then, you know, but there there might be a recent one or two. Yeah. So there you go.

Best movie deaths on the show today. What's the difference? Would you rather as well? And we're happy to have you with us. Thank you for supporting the show, following the show, telling your friends about it. I guess we'll kick it off. ["Would You Rather?" by The Daily Commute plays.] Would you rather... Cody from the website.

Would you rather have your daily commute be replaced with a roller coaster of your design? I like that idea. Or a giant catapult and a parachute. Okay. I like that idea. In either case, your safety is guaranteed. Okay, well, I mean, I feel like there's an easy answer here.

Yeah. Okay. This is I feel like there's an easy answer here. Yeah, because of Like if you are on a roller coaster that will be slower than flying through the air, right? I do not I don't roller coaster of my design. Yeah, oh this thing's going for you. Are you just doing a bullet train? I'm just doing a bullet train roller. No, you have to have something that makes it a roller coaster. Otherwise, you're like driving a monorail or a train. No, the launch is what makes it a roller coaster. Oh, do you go up, click, click, click? No, no, no.

I'm, you know, like a flat launch. Yeah, a flat launch. No, a flat launch is not enough to make it a roller coaster. You know what, I know it. If you get on a flat, if you go to an amusement park and they're like, come ride on the blue rocket, and the blue rocket is just a launch start, straighten the line and you get off on the other end.

You will say, that is a train. Not if it explodes off the line. If it's gonna make me swallow my stomach. I guess they do shoot you up, but this would just be straight. This would just be straight. I think you need one, I mean Al, you rule on this. I think you need like either one loop,

or one, at least a turn corner or something. Look up, what is the, like, how fast does like a bullet, a real actual bullet train launch? Cause those things get up to insane top speeds. Yes, the top speeds are crazy. I would imagine. Up to 320 kilometers an hour, so 200 miles an hour.

But I would guess that it's a slow progress to start. They're not trying to have the passengers... No, I agree with that. That part is specific to a coaster. So there are rides now where it's an extreme launch, like 0 to 60 or whatever it is in just a couple seconds. And then all you do really is you go up, pretty vertical though, up a hill, and then kind of turn and come back down. That's the entirety of the ride. I'm fine with your plan, Jason.

If you do the click, click, click, you don't get an instant launch. That would make it a roller coaster to me. So like it just takes me backwards? No, if you had to click up, like up the top of it, you had to go click, click, click. So doesn't, in Credit Coaster just launch you right up? Yes, it does.

But it has loops and turns and it's a roller coaster. But I'm saying the launch is flat, you can still have the loops. Yeah, I don't want the click, click, click. I'm saying you can opt into a click, click, click or a loop, that's all I'm saying. I am saying that I will meet you where your point is, which is that a flat thing is not a roller coaster.

But I will not choose either the loop or the click, click, click. I will, cause I love- What are you choosing? Well first of all, one of my favorite parts of roller coasters are the rolling hills. Like the, when you go like this, Oh, you get the air time.

You get the little air time. Like I would do that the whole way. Shoot the, well, I don't know. I don't know, that'd be a lot of vomit. Yeah. I think if you had a bunch don't know, that'd be a lot of vomit. Yeah. I think if you had a bunch of rolling hills, that's fine. If you had a bunch of rolling hills

and you got an awesome launch, but I'm forgetting part of this question was that your safety is guaranteed either way. Because when I think I don't want to parachute, I don't want to get injured. I don't want to die. Safety, but not necessarily your discomfort. What's more comfortable?

Oh, the roller coaster, I think. I'm just thinking too, you're gonna have rainy days, you're gonna have sunny days, you're gonna have windy days. Which one, do I wanna fly through a thunderstorm or roller coaster through one? If I gotta get to work. That's a great question. Now, I think we need Mike's thoughts on this.

Well, my original thought is, That's a great question. Now, I think we need Mike's thoughts on this. Because he knows a lot about roller coasters. My original thought is, do you guys remember the kind of the, it feels like the moment where this show was like, we need to do the Spitballers show, was we were on a trip. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. In an Uber. And we.

This is why we made the show and we got into a really dumb discussion about a catapult yes that's that sends you to work but no matter what happens the time frame of you could be going one mile you could be going a thousand miles that the time of the travel was always the same it wasn't it wasn't that it sends you to work. It's that the catapult can send you anywhere in the world, but it always takes whatever. Maybe it's 30 seconds.

Yes. So if you wanted to go from here to my house, I'm going at a very, I'm going way up in the air and then coming down. But if you wanted to go to New York, that is a straight line. There better be some ground clearance. That is exactly why this show exists,

is talking about that in a car. That's what I was remembering. Between the two of them... I want to fly, brother. And the parachute would be fun. I think that's what I have to take, too. Because it's... What is the roller coaster trying to do?

It's trying to make you feel like you're flying? Like you can fly! It's also trying to make you vomit. Dude, getting old is the worst, guys. Not just segwayed into like, you can't ride them anymore. It is the absolute worst. I cannot do roller coasters. And that gives me such... I'm in perfect health at 40....fear. That gives me such fear because I know plenty of older than me But my point is that you much older you used to love rollercoasters Yes, you used to be able to do rollercoasters and you got to a point because I love rollercoasters. I knew rollercoasters I'm all can rollercoasters. Do you? Yeah, do you dirty? I would say 90% of them can

There are 10% just like that lap that lap bar's a real problem. Oh, that seat width is a real problem. Okay. That was the direction I was going. Oh, that's brutal. So what do you, do you wanna be catapulted? I'm gonna catapult. That's what I'm doing too.

All right, I'll fly. If I know that I'm gonna be safe on the way down, that's gonna be awesome Can you sell like do you have to have somebody come outside and like pull the lever though? like your kid or your wife or somebody has to You can't sell do they have Wi-Fi connected catapults. I feel like you could even without Wi-Fi You could just work something up where yeah, you just lever ever where you are Yeah, okay, you sit you sit on a giant catapult that throws you to work. We can overcome the launching mechanism.

Alright, we all want to fly, huh? Yeah. Logan from the website, would you rather immediately poop every time you yell anything? Okay. I'm just realizing how that would undermine any- Arguments with your kids? Yeah! Yeah! Pfft! Clean your room!

And I'm gonna go wipe! Or... So, immediately poop anytime you yell anything. That would also affect cheering for sporting events. It would affect a lot. Or uncontrollably yell, Help, I am dying anytime you poop. Which I have done.

Wait! were you? Oh, you've, friends, if you've never had an experience where you say, maybe I haven't yelled it, but I've definitely said, I am dying right now. Come on, have you even lived? I meant, were you dying? I mean, have you ever almost been dying due to a poop? Oh, so many times I

Mean I've had I've had those moments and those moments are They're always accompanied by Incredible sweating. Yeah. Oh, yeah when your forehead is participating in your poop. That's a bad time is participating in your poop, that's a bad time. In the other situation, you would eliminate all possible constipation, because at any moment that you needed to go, you would need to yell. But eventually, you're empty, right? So how is this gonna work?

Because what if I'm yelling a lot? Oh, maybe people would see you and go, that guy is really angry. I just farted. He didn't even poop that time. I like dry heaving. Dry heaving out of my butt. Oh, man.

Yeah. Because I mean, when you run out, you run out. That's just a fact of life. That is a, that is. When you're out, you're out. That is true. But you don't run out for long because you eat three meals a day and snacks,

like there's a little, so like, that almost makes it worse if you're just like topping off. You know? It would be very inconvenient. I mean. You don't empty out for long. I mean, look. Your body's working through it.

One of these is involuntarily yelling, and one of these is involuntarily pooping your pants. I think we know what we're all taking here. We'll scream at the top of our lungs if it means I don't just all the time have accidents. What if you were shot off in the catapult and then you just screamed? Oh my goodness.

Well then I'd start going cat man the people underneath me yeah exactly um boy we settled that one thanks for that question Logan Curtis from patreon would you rather have everything you buy or pay for be 50% less or would you rather make 50% more income? Well. Interesting. How are these not the same? Let's think about that. How are they not the same? Well one.

Because you're making 50% more income if everything costs 50% less. Even at your current price. These are the same. Only you. These are the exact same. If you don't have a good salary, right? Let's say you make-

But it's only good relative to what you can buy with it. But my point is if you make $50,000 a year, would it, you might choose to have things be cheaper if you make a million dollars a year. I don't know how they're different. I'm trying to work through it. I mean, the one point is that it would affect the world around you. Well, that's what I was saying. Is it just you?

Well, yeah, it's just you. OK, then how it still doesn't it doesn't give you an advantage. I can't think of any. Al, can you weigh in here? For me, it was easy. I don't spend everything I make, so I'd rather make more money because then my savings is of my 50%. What is your savings for?

A rainy day. Yeah, but on that rainy day. It will be half the price. Yeah, I mean this is half price medical. Everything, like home? Your home? Anything you spend money on. If your home is half off medical. Everything. Home? Your home? Anything you spend money on. If your home is half off, I think.

If I give you a dollar, right, and it costs 50 cents for your medical emergency, or I give you two dollars and it costs a dollar for your medical emergency, it's the same. Well then I'd rather have more money. Or no, that comes with more problems. Yeah, so many more problems. Less money, less problems.

That was the song, right? Yeah. Yeah, all right. Wait, I don't want to leave this because there's got... I'm afraid of spit wads out there screaming at us. Oh, look I got one. Look, I got one. I got one.

Giving. Giving. If you make double and you want to give, you know... Gnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn That's not spending or buying. But you can't give as much because your stuff costs the same. It's the same to you. No, but like Owl was saying, I don't have to spend on, I don't have to buy something for myself today. It's a noble try. Yeah.

It's a noble try, but it don't help the situation. I'm going to be very altruistic. Because your bills are the same. They are are and then Jason will just have a room That's like full of the money. I mean, I guess like that's my given money someday I guess if you make more you can say I make more So that's nice. Yeah, if you like Once higher taxes boom

There's there's the loophole. Taxes go up with your bracket. Yes they do. Percentage of taxes half off. I think we all gotta go half off otherwise we're losing money here. Thanks Uncle Sam. Unfortunately if everything's half off they're making half the sales tax so you're gonna have to raise your income taxes. Yeah. All right, no I think that's the right answer. We'll just go with that. Sure. Oh, I love this. I'll search to try to figure out what chat GPT thought, which is exactly what I was doing over here on my side. I was trying to say, explain the differences. What is, uh, is out, did it bring up taxes? What did Chad GPT say? It does discuss a higher income would put you in a higher tax bracket,

but it says generally increasing your income would be more beneficial than reducing your expenses. Oh, good, good reasoning. Because it leads to a greater increase in disposable income. So basically what we already discussed. Okay. I still don't stand for that. I don't believe it. All right. Do we have time for one more of these, or do you want to? Yeah, let's do one more. Corbin, from the website, would you rather have to deal with every picture and TV in your house being crooked?

Oh boy. Oh man. Or every cabinet and door in your house be super squeaky? Wow, I think I would have to choose the cabinet doors. Obviously both of these are terrible. But I don't think I could sit and watch a movie knowing that that screen is just tilted. There would be something in me that would have to

stand up and leave the house. I would be so angry. Would you put a cushion under one cheek? Just tilt myself? I think I would be so angry. Would you put a cushion under one cheek? Oh, you'd balance yourself? I think I'd rather lay down. Just completely lay down. Maybe if I'm watching it sideways, I wouldn't be able to tell it's crooked nature.

I mean, the squeaky thing is tough. Especially at night, waking people up. Yeah, or when you do the hidden snacks. But it's like, oh, I don't want to, no one's in the room, they're not going to know I'm grabbing this candy bar. Do you have like a hidden safe? That looks, like you can't tell it's a safe, but you open it up and it's just sweet rolls?

Oh man, I need to do that, because right now I've got a real safe that keeps all my sweet rolls. Just a giant gun safe. If you can get in that, like someone's gonna steal this. With Hawaiian rolls inside of that? Hawaiian rolls, Reese's cups,

everything the body needs. That can't be true, please. No, that's not, of course that's not true. Man. It's under fingerprint lock. It's. Well, you got it in there quick. Yeah. I'm just picturing somebody makes a safe somewhere that

is a pantry safe. It's called a pantry safe. I need that for my kids. It's refrigerated. We should literally lock our pantry. I have a locking pantry. Oh my gosh. You have a lock code on your pantry.

No, not a code. Like an actual just when I replaced And we moved in and we replaced all the door handles you put a lot and I purposely bought one that can walk But do you use it? Well, it's had to be it's been used many times. Yes, okay, but it's not like Always in use no no, it's not always like the key is way up there and every time you want to get in you know Each no, I mean there we have a Nest Cam inside our pantry. Oh my goodness. This is problems in America in 2024 for parents.

Because I'm sitting here thinking, that's actually a brilliant idea to put, like, a lock on the pantry door, and there's a code, and you gotta ask permission if you wanna go in ask permission and you want to go in there because you need I'm not locking myself out. Um, Jay, we've been checking the cameras. There's like Ten minutes of footage that's gone between four fifty and five Scrubbed and it just jumps from like the three boxes are gone in the next clip And it just jumps from like the three boxes are gone in the next clip

And it just jumps No, we had we found Too many rappers down the side of one of our children's bed Beds and we were like oh, so the middle of the night is in So now we got the camera ours was candy related to if I lock it down isn related too. If I get a camera, I am afraid that I would put down Amazon Web Services from Cloud Storage for the amount they would go off with my children,

just raiding whatever candy drawer they can find. I need a camera and a lock system. We need the Truman Show, but just your pantry. Yes, just broadcast. Just 24-7 broadcasted pantry. Jasonspantry.com. Anyone can get there. Anyone can look.

Full access to my pantry. Full access. People will start doing stats, tracking things. That'd be fun. How many times has he come in his underwear? Yeah. What was that'd be fun. How many times has he come in his underwear? Yeah. What's the? Next question.

All right, ad break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Technology has brought us a lot of advancements and sometimes there are some negative consequences like how much time do you spend on social media and unfortunately part of social media is we compare ourselves to everyone else's perfect scenarios comparison is the thief of joy and it's just it's easy to envy other people's lives especially when they look perfect on Instagram or all your other social media platforms, but in reality, their, their lives are not perfect.

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This is such a good show. What's the difference between me and you? What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. All right. What's the difference between this show and another show? This one's funnier. Made of children. What is the difference between a bet, a wager, and a gamble? Okay, this is really important. Yeah, I feel like there's a different category.

Yeah, like a wager is more sophisticated. Oh yes, for sure. If I was, I feel like you wager on horses and when you dress nice, when you go to wager on them. Yeah, you're definitely dressed to wager. To wager. You don't think about your outfit when you dress nice, when you go to wager on them? Yeah, you're definitely dressed to wager. To wager. You don't think about your outfit when you're gambling. Gambling is just how many neon lights

are in the vicinity to me. See, to me, gambling also means this is gonna have an effect on your life. You know what I mean? Oh, you don't have a wagering problem, you've got a gambling problem. Exactly, because when you're sophisticated, you're allowed to make wagers.

That's fun. But when you've got a problem, it's a gambling issue. They don't ever do a disclaimer at the end of the ads and say, have you been wagering too much? Call this number. No. Because that guy is able to wager. I mean, like, you know.

You might have to wager in a suit. Yes. I think you might wager in suits your closet certainly Full of them. Yeah, you have tons of suits or or fancy dresses women can wager But they are all sophisticated and probably have really nice hat collection. Oh like the big Sun hats Yes, you're just going full Kentucky Derby. Yes. That's all wagers. That is how I'm picturing it. Nobody there has a problem.

No. No, they have solutions. Now a bet is willy nilly. Anybody could bet at any time with anybody. Bets are tiny. You don't have to pay taxes on bets. They don't have to be sanctions. Right?

IRS? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, but gambling means this is, gambling you're always gonna lose, you know what I mean? Sure. Yeah, nobody has ever, you know, there's not the other side of the coin

to the gambling problem. There's not like, ah, you know, how's Patty and Sam doing? Ah, they're super wealthy, he's a big gambler. You know what I mean? Like, ah, put the kids through college. He's a gambler Yeah, there's a great gamble all those lights exist. Yeah Settled figured it out

Put on your suit make a wager get rich yeah get rid of your problems here Yeah bad times by dressing by spending more money on the outfit What is the difference between a trip a vacation and a getaway? Which one do you plan the getaway is not planned Okay, me spur the moment. I think it could be a weekend get our hours ahead of I think it could be sure sure Yeah, yeah, this is not we should get away this week. Yeah, exactly You're you're this is Thursday night at the latest or at the earliest when you're deciding this getaway I don't think a vacation and a getaway can touch

But I think a trip in a getaway like a trip some overlap There's overlap there like you if you if you do a getaway. It's also a trip. I Took a quick trip. Yeah, I mean, I mean, you can also take a trip can be business related. A trip is not fun. Not necessarily. It's not built in to be fun. You can take a trip to the store. Oh, that's true.

You know, a trip is just like, I've got to go somewhere. Yeah. And it can be for so many different reasons. My doctor's 45 minutes away. I've got to take a trip to the doctor's office. Yeah, it can be so many different reasons except fun. It can't be fun. If you're going on a fun trip, you wouldn't say trip.

Now let me ask you, so then if I said a week from now, we're gonna go for one day, can that be a vacation? That'd have to be a getaway too, right? Like doesn't a vacation have to be a certain amount of days? Yeah, one day is not enough for a vacation. That's not a vacation. That is not a vacation. That's like a va.

Yeah, vacation is three syllables because it requires a length of time. It's the syllable, a trip. Yeah, a trip is one. It could be quick. A getaway that has to be improvised, that's like you sit around and you're like, oh, let's just get out of here. All right. And sometimes it's a car, if you're like, oh, let's just get out of here. All right.

And sometimes it's a car. If you're robbing a bank. Oh, a getaway. All right. Yeah, we could have just. Switch! Could have put a bow on that before you said anything. All right, what's the difference between a quiz,

a test, and an exam? Exams are always at the end. Yeah, an exam is accumulative. At the end of what, though? At the end of everything you've learned. At the end of the year, at the end of the class, at the end of the... You can have multiple exams, right, in a semester?

But it's the end of the... Like a chapter. Will the end of a chapter be an exam, or is that just a test? That would be a test. No, exams have to be... To me, it's how many can happen over a semester. A quiz can happen over 100 times. Oh, pop quiz, hotshot.

You just boom bam, you don't even know what's coming. That's true, I agree. You have to be able to study for a test. Oh, a quiz you don't have to study for. Yeah. Because it's a pop quiz. Sometimes it's a pop quiz, but they might tell you that there's a quiz tomorrow. We're gonna have a quiz

tomorrow, but you don't need to study. Because it's just a quiz. Now if the quiz goes over a certain question amount, is that there's a quiz tomorrow, but you don't need to study, because it's just a quiz. Now if the quiz goes over a certain question amount, is that in violation of quiz code? Like you can't, if it's a 50, can it be a 50 question quiz? As long as it's multiple choice. 100 question quiz? That's, you know, you're pushing it.

Yeah, but it's gotta be A and B on the multiple choice at that point. Yeah. If it's that many, just a binary option. So at some point he's gotta If it's that many, just a binary option. So at some point he's got to graduate in his test category. Yeah, that's just, do you need to study? If you need to study for the test, then it's a test. An exam has to count for a certain amount of your grade. It's gonna say an impact on your grade between a test and exam. I think that's

the biggest differentiator. You ever take a test or a quiz or something and you did really well on it and then you realized that it counted for like nothing? Oh, yeah. When you were growing up? Yeah. I don't remember. He didn't relate to the doing well on it part or what? No, no. Oh the tests were where I did well. I just didn't have great grades because I did not do homework. That shocks me. Doesn't it? As a man who I met for the first time as a freshman in a freshman Spanish class when I was a junior when he was a junior it does not actually shock me and I did not finish that class no they did you were gone yeah you

poof and then I took my deficiencies as foreign language, and I'm doing all right. But I certainly cannot speak. You speak the same amount of Spanish I do, and I finished that class. Yeah, which is none. When are they going to teach usable Spanish in schools? My kids have had to take Spanish.

You've got to start early. They did. They've been taking Spanish since they were kindergartners. Really? Yeah, mine too. It's not conversational Spanish they get taught. What do they get taught? I don't know.

They get little quizzes and tests and certain words, but they can't talk. Because you've got to get some immersion going on too. For sure. But it's hard. They just know like panolones. I think that's pants. Is that pants?

I think so. Sounds like it. Al, do we have time for one more of these? I think that's pants. Is that pants? I think so. Sounds like it. I mean. Al, do we have time for one more of these? We do. Have we done this one before? What is the difference between chicken tenders, chicken strips, and chicken fingers? That feels familiar.

It sounded familiar to me too, but I searched our master doc and couldn't find it. But we can skip it if you think we've done it and grab one of the other ones. I think we've done it. I'm pretty sure we've done this one. What about the difference between a carnival affair and a festival? Okay. You feel like this one's gonna take some deep diving.

Well, you dress up for a festival. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're probably in some kind of cosplay or time period piece if you're going to a festival. That's the real nerd place. A... Interesting.

I believe a fair. See, I was gonna... And a carnival. Which one's more dangerous? That's where I was gonna head, but a state fair, I feel okay about going on the rides at a state fair, but it's, but like a...

The carnival is the more dangerous. Yeah, but is that the carnival? The county fair is what you normally hear about. The county fair. A fair is a pretty big thing. Yeah, but the carnival is like- The county fair is what you normally hear about, the county fair. A fair is a pretty big thing. Can you trust the county? I think so. Yeah, but you can't trust a carnival.

No, there's like a 25% chance of being stuck in the loop. They shouldn't, I mean the whole thing, they build the rides there, they have to rebuild them every time, none of the things you can win. And people love them. Oh my goodness. Mostly because of the fry bread, which is why I like them. Oh, I tell you, the competitions,

my middle son is just so overly competitive and every boardwalk game you pass. Oh yeah. Every single one is. You want us to go at it? Yeah, we gotta go do this. And so we just took a vacation. I was gonna say a trip, but it was not a trip.

Whoa, be careful. It was a vacation. And there's the basketball hoop one there. And he's like, he's got a shot. And I'm like, dude, it's rigged. The hoop is not always a circle. Oh, for sure. There are some where it is, but for the most part,

it's more of an oval than an actual circle. It's way harder to make the shot. But it's just the allure of it, of if I win, look at this prize that I can win and the greatness that comes with it. And then you go and you do it, and if he doesn't win, then it's just, you know, it's a catastrophe. So it's a catastrophe all day if I'm like, no, we can't do this, then I'm squashing his dreams.

He goes and does it, he goes and does it. He goes and does it. He goes and he does it. You are at the carnival, aren't you? And then we just lose money, and then he said that he didn't make it a shot in the rigged game. So don't bring him to these places. This is what I've been trying to say to my wife.

We need to stop bringing him. They'll have those hanging tests where you hang from the bar. Yeah, but it spins. But the bar spins. It's all rigged, and we accept it. You didn't know that. The bar spins? Yeah. I mean, this is the same thing as a casino. It's all rigged and we accept it. What? You didn't know that. The bar spins. Let's just deal.

I mean this is the same thing as a casino. It's all rigged in a casino against you. But we go there because you want to be the like exception not the rule. Except it's even worse because you pay $20 to, and let's say you win the jackpot. You know what the value of that jackpot prize is? Three bucks.

If you're lucky. So it's even worse than the casino because the casino at least pays me out in cash. In money. That is a dollar is worth a dollar. And the worst thing to me is if you win, let's say you win something at one of the hard places and you got that giant unicorn.

I've been there. You better not do that early. I've been there. Because now you're carrying around a giant unicorn all day and the kids not doing it. I won a human sized Sonic the Hedgehog at one of these events early in getting there. And my son was young enough to where he loved

that we had won this day. I had to carry Sonic the Hedgehog this, and I'm not joking when I say it was human sized. I mean, you were there, Papa Josh. This was in California, what's the? Knott's Bear? Knott's Bear. Okay.

We won this thing, I had to carry Sonic the Hedgehog the entire day, human sized, on my shoulders like a person. It was awful, I wish someone would have stolen it from me. But that is part of the journey. Like if you have that large prize, you're showing everyone at Knott's Berry Farm. Yeah, it felt good for a little while. I am alpha game playing dad here.

I won this. Whenever I walk by and see someone carrying one of those things, I think, you respect that think that's pretty cool. They did a good job. I don't ever stop to think, oh how miserable. I'm so sorry for you. And that's really what we should be thinking.

Yeah, I definitely, definitely left that thing someplace on purpose. Heavy is the crown. Yeah, and that thing was so poorly manufactured. All right. What happened to it? Did it make it home? We had stayed.

Somebody had given us the ability to stay in their townhouse in California. And we thought it would be real funny to leave it in the townhouse. So we left them a gigantic. Did you at least put it on the toilet or something? We had it sitting at the kitchen table. It was perfect.

I would have tucked them in bed. Who's in my bed? It was so humongous. So, Carnival Fair Festival. We feeling good here? Yeah, I think so. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting, well, it's categorized the best movie deaths, but I need to talk to you guys about this.

Okay. Not because anything needs to change about that title I just am curious how you interpreted best because it could be funny Deaths it could be most emotionally impactful deaths. It could be most visually Unsettling deaths like is it all it can be all of those things Coolest most famous whatever for, when I look at my list, I picked ones that made an impact on me. Things that I remembered easily off the top of my head, like, oh my gosh, this, yes. Or, oh, that was so brutally sad. Or the ones

that just stick with you. That's how I did it. Yeah, I think it's mostly, I think that means that all of those categories I brought up all fit. Because that's- Yeah, yeah, I've got all those. Yeah, okay. I'm just curious where you're gonna start,

and whether it would've been the one that I would've taken. I was really, really, really, really surprised how many great character deaths have been in movies, which shouldn't be surprising considering someone dies in every movie. All right, I'm gonna go with mine 101 because I don't know if you would have taken it, Andy,

but you would be the one to take it. How is it? It is my favorite movie of all time. Yeah, how is this anything? It is Andy's favorite movie as well.'s William Wallace the famous not the name of the movie Braveheart Braveheart is the movie William Wallace is the character freedom yeah but what happens after he yells it he does yeah we does yeah right when he yells it um I am so like I put my list together right before it's not on it. Oh my god. I forgot what I forgot

I mean obviously that is that is I put it on my list of just like well things to steal I'll just put this on here Okay, let's play the game I have a lot of deaths on my list But I will go with my first pick, Terminator 2, Judgment Day. Yeah, yeah. It would not have made it back. The T-800.

Yes, thank you. Arnold Schwarzenegger, thumbs up, going down into the molten metal or whatever it was, and very iconic, famous death. That's what I thought you were going to take it one on one. But I did forget Braveheart entirely. Yeah, I mean that one is, the thumbs up as he's being melted to the ground is pretty iconic. Oh yeah, spoiler alert again.

We're gonna tell you the ends of a bunch of movies you should have already seen. Sometimes it's the beginning, Andy. That's fair. But in both of our movies, the end. Mike, you are on the clock, you got two picks. Yeah. Terminator 2 definitely would not have made it back.

Yeah. But I will start my selection. Hey, guess what? Movie's back, guys. Oh no! It's Die Hard. Oh. And I will take Hans being dropped off the building,

Hans the Big Bad in number one. I got it on my list. With the, I mean it's an incredible moment. The fact that Alan Rickman did the stunt. Oh. And then the. I didn't know he did that. Oh yeah, and then the fun Easter egg is they said,

okay we're gonna give you a countdown, and then we're gonna drop you. Oh I did, I have seen this. And they jumped the countdown. So he would be actually afraid? Yes Yes so the look of fear you see that's I mean that's a man method acting. Not by choice. Talk about screaming and involuntary pooping in your pants. So I'm gonna go with that one as my number one. Oh man I'm not sure what's possibly gonna make it back. Whatever, I'll just.

So this is, I'm kinda cheating here cause it's a bit of a combo, but it has, this movie has created a situation for all people of our age that if you're driving on a freeway and there's a truck that has logs in the back of that car, you do not drive behind that truck. Because you're going to die. Not just you, everybody around you.

So it is Final Destination number two, specifically the opening freeway scene where... Oh, I didn't watch those movies. where one car, one mishap of a car created a havoc that has stayed with me. Yeah, well see a lot of these. Since I've seen it. I think a lot of these fall in the category of biggest impact on you seeing them and like them lasting. Cause I have some old ones in here

that I think I can save towards the end. So I'm gonna go with a, look, I'm gonna go with a, I'm gonna go with a vote getter. Oh, a vote getter? I'm taking Jack Dawson in Titanic. Oof, y'all. I'm talking the end of Titanic. It's not on my list.

It's one of the most iconic death days out there. I saw it when I was like looking, you know, reminding myself, but I didn't transfer it to my list. So you enjoyed it? No. Oh. No, I actually kept thinking, why didn't you just get up there and survive?

Everybody who watched Imo was like, dude did not need to die. But that was like the biggest movie in the world, and that scene was the climax of the entire movie. So I think- That's why he had to die. I think it was that, yeah, it was. And I think it was that impactful of an ending for one of the best movies of its generation. So- Do you think James Cameron did that on purpose?

So you would have outrage? So you'd have outrage, made it to where he super easily could not have died. Like, we should start doing that in movies again, like, you didn't need to die. There have been times like that where, I mean, I just saw a movie that I felt that way about. Should I talk about it?

Is it a new movie? It is The Original Quiet Place. Okay. And am I- That's old enough. Spoiler alert. It was the original Quiet Place. Okay. And. So, Quiet Place spoilers. That's old enough. Spoilers, spoilers. It was the original one.

Seen it, yeah. And the main character, John Krasinski, who's the writer, director, at the end of the movie sacrifices, oh wait, he's covering his ears. Al is covering his ears. Wow, crap. He sacrifices himself.

Hold on, what this quiet place came out, what year was it? This has gotta be like 10 years. It's 2018. All right, six years. You've had enough time. Al. We literally just talked about this at the lunch table and I added it to my list of movies to watch.

Oh, crap. So that's why I'm covering my ears. You're fine, I got my ears covered. All right, I'm gonna continue. But, and it's a touching moment. But I'm like watching it, and this dude don't even fight back. He didn't even, he could have tried to survive.

This thing's coming at him and he's a distraction so his kids can live. How many people fighting those creatures do you think won in just a mono-e mono zero percent tried hard zero percent he had an axe in his hand oh I haven't seen it since the theater and he just set it down to the side and took it and I'm just saying swing the thing cuz your kids might want a dad that's all I'm saying okay it got me a little bit I was like swing it Have any of you guys seen the mist?

Yeah, well hold on Picks that could be happening. Okay. All right. I forgot you're driving movie moments of lots of people. It's back to Jason He's made fun of my picks efficiently go on to your take it. Thank you that I hope suck Man, you're gonna be disappointed Andy cuz they're I'm going right next to William Wallace. I'm putting another famous, iconic, same time period, same level of movie type of character. Oh, no.

And when you said that there was a new movie coming out, I got scared. Oh, yeah. Because Gladiator II's coming out, and I will take maximus, okay Decimus meridius that was the gladiator that it was between that and the Titanic pick no joke because It was a long scene in that movie. Yeah, because there was a lot of flashing to his past He is we as his wife who had already died in the she's in the field the golden field not the past

It's like the it, the golden field. That's not the past, it's like the... It's the afterlife. The future, yeah. Yeah. Right? It's not the past, it's the future. Yes, he was... The afterlife kind of is the future.

Yeah, I mean, no, you're not wrong. Okay. So, yeah, that was, that's a great pick. And then the other one, thank you. Yeah. Well, I mean, I made it easy. The other one, this is, I would say, of all the things on my list, the biggest spoiler

of the last handful of years. So earmuffs if you want. But Tony Stark. Tony Stark at the end of the incredibly powerful Avengers set of movies is one of the biggest powerful Avengers set of movies is one of the biggest, most surprising, most awesome, most heroic, all of the above deaths. And so, whew, I got a powerhouse team.

Also, if this were a battle royale, I've got nothing but warriors, baby. Take that, little Leo DiCaprio. Yeah, you got a bunch of guys sword bunch of guys that die in the end yes yeah it's a really good battle royale everyone just falls over um is it back to me yes sir I'm gonna take a little left field pick here because you don't see the death but you but you kind of I mean you do feel the death okay Okay. And I'm going Ellie.

Oh yes, on my list, I'm on my list. Up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The opening few moments of the movie where you suddenly, you're seeing the story. It's a heart wreck. And then she's gone. It's excellent.

It's an unbelievable, like, it's not thought of as like a normal movie death, but it was, it happened to you. Almost everybody that I know that watched up for the first time, like when they came out, you were crying at the beginning of a movie, which just doesn't happen. And you know, it's like you start this movie off with this beautiful love montage,

and then they murder her. Yeah, she's just gone. The writers are so sad. Brutal. So that's what I'm gonna go with. No, that's a, see that phenomenal pic. Is a good pic, she's just gone. The writers are brutal. So that's what I'm going to go with. See, that is a phenomenal pick. That's a better pick. It is a really good transition to my next pick, which is Lawyer Sitting on Toilet Eaten by the Tyrannosaurus

Rats. Donald Gennaro. Donald Gennaro. Man, that's not on my list. That is on my list, and it's so iconic. So good. How did I not think of that? Yes, lawyer sitting on toilet is definitely... It was a top three death of my childhood to see that scene. And I remember, I'm going to tell you, I slowed down the frames on that one on the VCR to see, I was trying to figure out the movie magic

of them ripping the body, it looked pretty good. And harrowing. And harrowing, yeah, they actually did, he did get eaten. Yeah, that guy died, but what a sacrifice. Yeah. All right. Lawyer on toilet, baby. So much better than his name in the movie.

And I like the segue from this beautiful heartwarming Ellie from up to lawyer on toilet. I think it warms the hearts of all Americans. To see a lawyer get eaten. It's a great pick. Right off the potty. And the list is really hard to take just one more. I want to go five rounds.

I would go. Can we go five rounds? Oh, I'll go forever. These, I could talk about dead people forever. Can we do five? Al? Yeah, of course. All right.

Let's go five. Okay, well then with this pick, I will take, I'm gonna go Indiana Jones no no no no Well, okay, which one you for talking. Oh, I know what it is. It's the one you have chosen poorly Okay, I know get to get the arc out of here, bro That's not you have chosen poorly the man dissent. He ages over the course of a couple seconds And then vaporizes I thought you were going the Nazi.

Yeah, that's the right one. To his face melting. I had just wrote down melting Nazi on my list. But now I'm not taking that because I'm not taking another Indiana Jones death. Yeah, but like when you took the- Yours is the better pick. When you took the lawyer on the toilet,

I wasn't thinking of just amazing moments of like side characters. And when you said that, I was like, oh, the melting Nazi. That was like. The melting is fantastic. And the special effects work that they did to actually make that happen.

Brutal? It's wild. It's disgusting. All right. Back to me. Yep. Guys, this death, it really, it was emotional. It sucked. And the acting was insane

I'm taking John coffee who is Michael Clarke Duncan and Green Mile? Okay, the ending of that movie Was an emotional just a wreck. Yes situation. That's it. That situation movies a tough one remember that being what you just described but I don't I don't remember I think I only watch the movie once he didn't want him to put the the cover over his head because he's afraid of the dark yeah it's brutal it's a brutal is not a lawyer getting eaten by dinosaur dinosaur. No, mine's way funnier. Jason, two picks on the way back through. All right. You know what? Oh man, do I want to do it? Do I want to double up? Double up. I don't think so. Gosh. All right. I'm going to go with one. This is tough.

I love all of these picks. Well, you get two to I guess we're going five rounds. Yeah. All right Um, I'm going to go with Dobby from the Harry Potter Series that will be one of my pick as in like we got him get that freaking character out of here because he's the worst Dobby is oh my god, dude because he's the worst? Dobby is not that bad. Oh my god, dude, he's the worst. It's full Jar Jar Binks. No.

Yes. I don't know who's worse, Dobby or Jar Jar Binks. I don't know. I did not see this coming. Oh, because I am literally in the midst. You stood up and clapped. Yeah. Well, I'm back in the midst of watching them

through with my kids. And it's- Are you really? And it's, Are you really? And it's, holy crap, what an obnoxiously terrible character. I think it is very different for those who read the book. Okay, nerd, I don't care. But like, Dobby has your heart.

That's a good, what's the difference between Dobby, Gollum, and Jar Jar in terms of ranking them in movies? All right. Wow, you got bodied. All right. Yeah, you can love it. I was really close.

I had two, and I'm not going this route. It was really the best when it happened. But I was like, do I go Dobby or do I go Dumbledore? Both were great, but I don't wanna double up on Harry Potter. So I'm going to take Sam, which is short for Samantha, which you don't remember the name of this character. I don't. It's from the movie I Am Legend, and it is a dog.

Oh, is that the dog? That is the dog. How dare you even bring that up in my presence? That movie is a dog. Oh is that the dog? That is the dog. How dare you even bring that up in my presence? That movie is underrated. You're just you're just picking all sad ones. Yeah, well that is about as sad as it gets. That's the man strangling. I don't know if it's as sad as it gets but oh. He strangles his own best friend only friend in his life. He's got no one left dude. He's surrounded by vampires and zombies. John Coffee got electrocuted for a crime he didn't commit, but no, that's fine. Zombieland dog.

It's not Zombieland dog. That's I Am Legend dog. I'm not saying it wasn't sad. Yeah. It's very sad. The dog from I Am Legend. I just said it's not as sad as it gets. All right, I am going with,

I said I wanted to do a really, really old callback. I am- Spartacus. I am 40 years old. I was born in 1984. There is one death that jacked me up. Okay, like it negatively impacted you. And so-

Can I take a guess? Julius Caesar. It gave what and so can I take a guess Julius see It was little foots mom in land before time sure little foots mom and lamb before time was My first it's like the first exposure to death of parents or something I don't know what they shouldn't have done that to me man. This is all they do in cartoons They take cheap easy routes. That's what that was Bambi to right? Yeah Yeah, we probably won't grab it because you just got that I had Bambi's mom on my list And I won't I'm not gonna take Lion King, but it's no I know this is just like man

We're weird. That's the same with frozen. We're really missing some oomph here. What should we do kill the parents? There is a lot of dead parents in Disney movies. Yeah. What is that? It just raises the stakes. It makes everything more important, emotionally bonds you with the characters. It makes complete sense.

Just, it's tragic. It works every time. Do you remember the before time? Yes. I don't remember that one. Little Foot in the. It was an earthquake. Yeah, I was trying.

It was the end of the dinosaurs. Until they made like 10 more. Oh, they made like 50 more of those out of video. All right, so final pick. My final pick here. This is where he goes Nazis whose face melts off in Indiana Jones. No.

I am going to take... Like there's like just quick there's shocking ones. Final destination 3. No no I have a whole movie. Okay I will take... it's funny enough like we don't date these shows usually but we just had a recent holiday and that holiday had a very famous movie when we were growing up called Independence Day and at the end of the movie a man comes and he says guess what boys I'm back and he flies his aircraft yeah directly up into the spaceship.

It's so stupid. It's so dumb, but it's so amazing. I literally just read a 40 tweet thread on the making of that movie. Of Independence Day? They released that. There's this good Twitter follow, All the Right Movies or something like that.

And they do these deep dives on movies, and of course it was July 4th. So they did it on Independence Day, and I don't know, did you ever watch the deleted scene version of that? Yes, it used to be like a crop duster. In the original he was denied the ability to fly an F-15 or whatever it was.

For good reason. Guy was a drunk. And he had his crop duster, and he tried to fly it up there. But they said, it's not realistic. So they went to the realistic version, where he flies an F-15 straight up the whatever of a. Straight up the exit. Straight up.

The sun don't shine. And then of course that just destroys. It's the turning point of the intergalactic war. It's so ridiculous. Just like that whole movie. But it's amazing. That's such a good pick. So, extras.

Goose and Top Gun. This is spoiler alert. Like bullet points. The Wicked Witch. Yeah that's a classic. Marion Crane in Psycho, so the psycho lady. Yeah yeah yeah. The Joker falling which was similar to Hans Gruber but the Joker falling in Batman. Yeah that's pretty good. I think that was the last of my list. I had Pulp Fiction when he shoots Marvin in the car. And he's like, Marvin's dead. It's so insane and out of nowhere.

And then The Departed, which you could. Oh, yeah. The Departed is like, just pick which one. And for me, it's Costigan exiting the elevator after he's like, you're like, oh my, he's gonna win. He's gonna, and then no. Then no one wins. The departed is so good.

I've got Bubba from Forrest Gump. Huh. You know, he's. Oh yeah, that was in War. That was in War. He's holding them, running them out. There's another Tom Hanks too, from Saving Private Ryan. Yeah?

Which one? Him. Oh, I thought you were talking about the slow knife. You got classic Thoma and Louise, you know, hold hands, go over the test. Oh, so you're making fun of me. No, I didn't draft it. Have you ever even seen this?

No, I've never seen it, but it's iconic. And then I've got to give the biggest shout out of all time. It should be the 101 when you talk about, because the technical name of this is the best movie death. And that goes to the vampire in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. I don't know if you remember this or anyone who does. I do not remember it.

It was- The movie version? The movie version. Ter movie version terrible was awesome Oh, okay, and the it's it's about a one minute long dying scene It is the funniest death of all time He it's great. I will pull it up afterwards you get up. I think the character just keeps going I'm a later would be a good one too. Yeah, there's a lot of characters in the Star Wars.

Yeah, I was gonna say, the Star Wars, a lot of people are gonna be like, why didn't you draft these guys? So there's a million we missed, for sure. There's a meme going around with Yoda, and it's like, I never understood Yoda, and Yoda's passing until I became a parent and my kids don't stop asking me questions

and you're just like I'm tired. He just rolled over and I'm gone. Oh yeah, that's good. All right, well we gave you five rounds here and I'm sure there are a million that you have so share them in the comments. Let us know over on Twitter. Speaking of, Zombieland is on my list.

Shout out to Bill Murray in Zombieland. Okay, there you go. What did we learn today? Don't put a camera in Jason's pantry. Don't put, yeah, I learned how sophisticated wagering is today. Yes, that is true. That is, you can't have a wagering problem.

Yeah. And like, maybe- I'd wager! Yeah, see? You sound like you're a baron. You know what I mean? Did you learn anything today, Jason? Maybe pants in the pantry?

I learned that there's no difference between having more money or paying less. No, there ain't. Alright, that'll do it for the Spitballers' pod, twitter.com slash spitballerspod. If you want to follow us, share your thoughts over there on all the ones we missed. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers' podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.