Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 297: Internet Intruders & Best Mustaches - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

On this awesome episode we discuss the intricate details of tree insurance, figure out how to deal with a horribly awkward situation in Life Advice and bring things home with a Best Mustaches draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Blub-a-dub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub! Did you make yourself laugh at the end of that? I was gonna say, you can't bail out at the end and laugh at yourself. I don't know, man. I think that's a nice exit strategy. There was a whole nother blop to drop. No, no. Bet you stopped. There definitely was nothing left there.

Welcome into the Spitballers episode 297. That is a lot of episodes. At least 200 too many. Really. Some are saying. Would you rather life advice and we are drafting

the best mustaches on today's show. Iconic, favorite, funny, whatever you would just the best. Could be characters, could be actors, could be actresses. Sure. I mean, we do not put a mustache in a box. Can it be milk? A milk mustache?

Yeah. Not now that you didn't break it out during the draft. That would have been the kind of Jason pick that you try to sneak into a draft, but no. No, I'm sorry. OK. We draw the line at milk mustaches. Spitballardspod.com is the website.

Al Borland in the house. I'll say hello to everybody. What's up, Spitwads? There you go. He's here. Proof. We are gonna kick things off. Were people concerned? I don't know.

Did his parents think that he was taking hostage? They were demanding proof of life, and they got it. Yeah, he's still here. Okay. Haven't paid him in years, but he's still doing the job. ["Sweet Home Alone"] Would you rather? Raj from Patreon, would you rather? Raj from Patreon, would you rather have everything you eat be critiqued by Gordon Ramsay?

I already have a question about this one. Or every financial decision you make be critiqued by Dave Ramsey? Oh brother. Now can I get some clarity here because I don't feel like is this everything I eat or everything I cook because if I'm just eating something I don't care if Gordon Ramsay critiques it. Right I might I might want to know am I supposed to like this? That almost seems like a benefit. Right. As opposed to if I'm preparing it then I feel like I am the small baby

There is getting made fun of but but there is the French fries again, huh? Yeah For sure he would do some dietary shame if he saw the amount of French fries I eat yeah Oh, he does yeah, he really like if he's gonna criticize everything you eat or critique, okay? So he's over your shoulder, and he's just literally like he's watching your choices He would probably he would definitely criticize me for like if I take something off of the way the chef wants it prepared at a restaurant You know yeah, yeah, yeah that chef. Yeah, I'm Gil what I'm like no tomatoes, please. Oh Yeah, oh yeah, you're gonna want the tomatoes on there. No, they give you, no I'm saying Gordon Ramsay

would be like, you don't take that off. That gives you the acidity, that blah blah blah, whatever. Okay, so and then all the financial decisions being criticized by Dave Ramsey, I mean you're not gonna be in a position where you're not taking a credit card out, you're not taking a loan out, you're not going to be in a position where you can you're not taking a credit card out you're not taking a loan out you're not taking you're not borrowing money I'm not I'm not very in on Dave Ramsey I just see him tell ya I know the credit card thing yes he says absolutely no credit card yeah no debt

at all no debt of any kind other than your mortgage Yeah, and then Yeah, I say yeah, I feel like you're gonna be shamed. I'm sure I buy so much stupid crap. Oh, man There's no way there's no way I could deal with Dave Ramsey with my poor Spending habits. I mean like I know you have poor spending habits. I do yes I have very poor spending. I don't feel like that is something I You're unaware of this Yeah, I feel like maybe long ago. I thought you did have you reestablished a new pattern of old habits I think I just well. I mean you know you guys accused me of being bougie. Yeah

We don't accuse you. We just would tell you what you are to your face. You are, and I say this in the nicest possible way, you are loose with money. Yes. And that has, I'll- Can't take it with you, brother. It works both ways.

It works with the funny ways where we joke that you're bougie and you get things that are dumb, but it also works with like, you're very generous, you have supported and given money to people and you're not like, you could be like super tightwad on that side too. Like you can only spend money on wild and crazy things, but they never give it away. So I feel like loose is the best term. Yes, I have an open hand on my money. And the stores can take it or the people that are around you. But like for example, when I'm trying to find out what the best pot and pan set is, right?

Okay. I know which one is the best. Yeah, yeah. It's the most expensive one. You think you do, you the best yeah yeah it's the most expensive one do you think it's the most I mean wait why would it cost more if it's not the best that's good science I I have that I have that Ramsey would not be I have that would not be a good combo cuz at a minimum Dave Ramsey wants you to have a plan for your money that would be the best that would be the best summary

of it is all right do you got a plan nope but money. That would be the best summary of it is, all right, do you got a plan? Nope. But Gordon Ramsay, you're cooking a lot now, you're Nutri-boy. Dude, I would love Gordon Ramsay critiquing my, I wanna get better at this stuff. You could handle the, even if it's vicious? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, I, he's calling it an idiot sandwich. I secretly think Gordon Ramsay's awesome. Oh, I openly think Gordon Ramsay is awesome. I haven't watched either of these. So you're not a Ramsay guy in any way. Any Ramsay, Mike doesn't know about him. No, I know about the Ramsay who held a Reek captive. Oh, yeah.

Yeah? What, are you going to give me a bad joke? That was a sick reference, bro. That's pretty good. Not that good. That's pretty bro pretty good nobody knows we're talking about still is it Bolton oh yes yeah oh what's that about well Al doesn't know no idea how it doesn't know cuz hey Papa Josh what's that about I wasn't he hasn't watched the show either that's not fair some of the audience hasn't

watched the show what kind of references that's all of the references every pop culture Reference in the history of references if someone hasn't seen it You can't know you can't go deep deep character on a show that was over five years ago That is deep. What yeah, if you don't show up on Game of Thrones Game of yes, you could go Khaleesi you're just saying I'm saying the character on the show is a deep reference I'm saying like if I just reference like a side character on an old everybody loves Raymond episode. It doesn't count Dude, there's no one there is not a side character. Yes. Yes Even it was the most hated character on the show by the if you list them in importance. He doesn't make the first page

Okay, wow, no, no, I'll even agree with that on the show by the end. If you list them in importance, he doesn't make the first page. Okay. Wow. No, no, no. I'll even agree with that. But what I disagree with, and adamantly and emotionally, is that every single person out there that watched Game of Thrones, when you hear the reference of Ramsay to Reek, so now you're actually referencing two characters, no one out there didn't get it. Let me ask you, Andy. Did you understand the reference?

Yeah, of course you did cuz you've seen Game of Thrones Yeah, I just I'm not a big fan of if you're a fan of the creative if you're driving in your car right now And you're listening and you was it was and you did not understand the reference raise both hands up right now And I'm I'm sure the roads are safe right now cuz no them out the car window. No one is doing that. All right, let's vote. Sick reference, but thank you. I would rather have every financial decision critiqued by Dave Ramsey because I am very,

like, I have a plan. You're very organized and- I want that, I would want that. And I want the Gordon Ramsey teaching and berating at my, oh my gosh. I would want that. Yes, and I want the Gordon Ramsay teaching and berating at my, oh my gosh. What do you need more help with, Mike? Oh, that's a good question. Food. Food. Or money.

Food. Okay. Yeah, you've always been pretty good at like, you save where you should. You two guys are way more responsible than I am. How, do you need some money?. How, do you need some money? Are you, do you need some help? You're giving money to them? I need money too.

Stacy from the website, would you rather have to let somebody else take your contacts out for you? I don't think Jason could do that for himself. I would have to have someone else do it for me. Or pick food out of your teeth for you There I mean the idea of somebody putting their fingers in my eyes Come on my mouth. They're not using a toothpick or they're going not on the eyes

They're using their fingernail to get it out of your teeth. Oh, oh They can just take my contacts out. That's fine. Male or female? Does that make the difference for you? It does. Well, big. Because big nails. Yeah. I feel like the nail, the longer it is, the more it removes their finger from my mouth. Oh, that's true. Like the nails and instrument you could use. Also. Yeah. You don't want my nubby nails. No. I mean, I will be, I'll be two knuckles deep in that mouth. Not only that, not only that, but the issue is how many two knuckles deep in that mouth. Oh, not only that not only that but the issue is How many tries is this gonna take?

30 minutes around no you that's a that's a good reference. I mean you need I want like acrylic ironically It's the opposite situation for the eyes in the context. I do not want those nails Yeah, going in for the context. OK, I agree. I don't really want anyone's. Did you ever contact? Oh, I could not do contacts. So I have what's known as big baby syndrome.

And it's BBS. Yeah, BBS. If you haven't heard of BBS. Self-diagnosed. It's diagnosed by many people around me. Friends and family. Yeah. Doctors, nurses, dental.

I guess that's true. Anybody that knows you. Yeah. Anybody that's ever tried to do something for me, makeup artists, anything, they know I've got BBS because I can't be touched in certain places that are sensitive. Like your face. Like my eyes. Like a needle.

My face, needles in like my arm. IVs. I'm just an IV, oh my gosh, I can't take an IV. And so I can't even do this myself. That's the crazy thing. You've never worn contacts. No, I've never worn contacts. I genuinely don't know if I actually could get contacts in my if you said here is a hundred thousand dollars Put these contacts in you have ten minutes. Oh, I'm gonna try I am absolutely going for that. Wow

I'm going hard after that money. I'm gonna You know psych myself up. I could do this Oh, everybody does this children have done this and I will get that thing. I'd put whatever, I don't know, not lotion. Solution. I wouldn't go lotion. Not lotion. He just covers a contact with lotion and James in his arms. Eye burns! Give me my money!

But I don't know if I could get it, I don't know if I could get the contact lens in. You did contacts, Mike? For a little bit. Yeah, I mean, so before LASIK, right? Yeah, yeah, before I did the eye. After. I lost it. Have I told this story of I lost a contact in my eye?

Oh, you lost it in the eye? Like to the back of the eye? No, no, no, no. So. You just couldn't find it. This see-through turns out. I mean, I'm younger. I'm like maybe sixth grade or so.

I mean, this is elementary school and I got glasses in I think the third grade or so and eventually oh let's try out the contacts and one day I am going to take them out and I just I it's the pinch I think the crap out of my eye and you can you know you can try I'm gonna be honest with you. I wore contacts for like 10 years I'd never pinched my eye. I it that sounds sounds like maybe not everybody guy who can't control his hands pinch a sphere You could just say it you there's were the biggest contacts you've ever seen Maybe not everyone has done it, but I definitely pinched your eyes my eyeball and it hurt extremely bad And then I couldn't find the contacts.

Like I assume it just had fallen out and it was whatever, they're disposable. And time goes on and I mean, probably from pinching my eyeball, I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not gonna put the contacts in. And then strangely, one of my eyes could see better. No, Mikey, you idiot. I'm cured. Maybe I pinched my eyeball into

working. I didn't think about that. That's funny. I didn't even connect them, but I legitimately was like, why? I can see out of my eye, and this went on for days. So you just slept with it? Yeah, for multiple, I didn't know what was there and multiple days went by where you could see didn't give it away and then eventually it was like oh probably a really good eye rub and then oh my contact box out oh I'm blind Oh, that is a good story. But for a moment I thought my eye had regenerated. Aren't the consequences of like dirty? Oh, they're.

Like if you had somebody, let's just change the question for a split second. Like what's your answer right away? My answer right away is I would rather them do my teeth. I would say teeth, but if you said said would you let somebody with the dirty finger put your contacts in for you or do your teeth? What would you do? Still contacts. I feel like I might switch to contacts. See I feel like a finger in the mouth dirty I that sounds the worst to me. So that's my vote. Yeah, I mean if you get I don't know I Don't want either of these. I don't want anybody with their fingers in my eyes or mouth. I guess you're more likely to get an infection

That's what it feels like but I guess it depends where the fingers were. Yes, gross All right fits from page My hands would you rather have the only foods in your house be foods that are typically stored in the pantry? Or foods that are typically stored in the pantry or foods that are typically stored in the fridge or freezer? This is a legit question. What do you say, Chef? It's gotta be the fridge, freezer.

It has to be. Because that's the fresh stuff? Now, do you get the benefit of being able to microwave in the oven or is it just... Yeah. You don't have to wait for bread to defrost? Yeah. I mean, if you choose the pantry, you have a bowl to put your cereal in. I mean, you can make the food. It's just the food choices that belong in those two places. It's just, if you choose the fridge or freezer, you can't have anything that is basically room

temperature package, whatever's in your pantry or vice versa. So what would happen? I mean, if you just kept all your cereal in the fridge, it'd be fine Cheerily, but that's a loophole But no one puts there. Yeah, the question says foods that are typically stored in the pantry So you can't just this was a thought experiment now. All right, this is not me. I'm not trying to change the question I was just thinking like it'll be fun of the things in my pantry that I could put in the fridge and be fine That would be one of us, but you can't spaghetti owes love Oh, love them cold. You know, um, so the truth is, so you know how like, what do you go into more now? Definitely the, the fridge or freezer right now. It's one of those things where this would be an amazing health benefit, right? Like they say

when you go to your grocery store, you're supposed to basically shop around the outside ring and never go into the middle aisles. Right? Like that was they just it just health books, whatever. But that's on the basis that fresh stuff's on the outside process stuff's on the inside. Yeah, like produce, me, cheeses, the actual bakery or whatever. Like that's all on the outside and then inside is all the boxed canned package. That's where the potato chips are. Is that just because the outlets are on the outside of the store so it's easier to plug

on all the fridges and fruit? There's no floor outlets allowed. I feel like Andy might actually be right, except for the freezer section. There's aisles of freezer sections. I mean, we can overcome this, but it did seem funny at first. Yeah, but if you trace it back. Maybe if you trace it all the way back, that was easier.

Yeah. I'll bet that is where it came from. I hope the next time you go into a store with freezes in the middle, we see you look, and there's like extension cords everywhere. We're just running up the ceiling. Yeah, straight up. Yeah.

Did the first person ever who did a floor outlet, were people really impressed by this? Yes Or was it like a oh, yeah, that makes sense but I don't think they were impressed because to be Truly pulling this off the person that made a floor outlet knows what they're doing They invented it and that thing is hidden. No one knows So I think maybe maybe they're impressed with're impressed with their inquisitiveness, like how is this working? Is this on a battery?

I see what you mean. Fridge freezer, final answer. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this would be great to get rid of all the processed stuff that I love so much. Al, do we have time for another or do we want to move on? Let's move on. All right, we'll take a break and jump into some live advice.

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visibility at indeed.com slash ballers. Just go to indeed.com slash ballers right now and support our show by saying you heard about it on this podcast. Indeed.com slash Ballers. Terms and conditions apply. You need to hire. You need Indeed. Spitballers to the rescue. All right. Ready to dish up some life advice. Jack submitted this question on the website. I have a large and mighty tree in my backyard. Very close to the fence.

Large and mighty. Very close to the fence that separates me and my neighbor's yard. My neighbor, while very kind, is nervous that one day the tree could fall on her house. But it's large and mighty! Every time I see her, she asks if I've thought about getting it cut down and even offered to pay for the cost of removal. I have no fear of the tree falling and I feel like she is being

overly paranoid. Am I being selfish or should I just let her pay for the removal and be done with it? No, you should not let her remove this tree. I do, I agree that this is an awkward question when you have a property line discussion because that's always interesting when it comes to trees. Now, I have had houses where I have benefited greatly from the shade of neighboring trees

and desperately hoped that they wouldn't get rid of them. In fact, at one point in time, it looked like Mike and I were going to be neighbors and he purchased the lot next to mine, which contained a tall and mighty tree that also shaded my pool from about three o'clock in the afternoon through the end of the day. And my greatest fear was that for some reason,

the tall and mighty tree would be removed. No way, man. Trees are awesome. Trees are awesome. Now, if this is really, really big, and really, really tall, and really, really close to this person's house, you can't see any scenario where you're not scared?

No, I'm not. I'm not the- No, like a normal person, though. Yeah, I could see where people are scared. I don't at all. People have trees in their yard all the time. But there are really tall, big trees that do fall down. And if it was right on your property line, it would be a threat to you.

I got a, I have a quick insurance question. Of course, to get big and tall and mighty, you have to have not fallen down for a long time. That's why it's silly. Okay, go to the douches alley. Papa Josh was once in a, a man, it was in insurance. I couldn't remember how to say he was in insurance insurance is a hard word if my tree falls on your yard and hurts your house who's liable you are nobody yeah baby that's the only way that you're liable is if your tree was dead and you and you knew it and you did not do anything to

mitigate it being dead and falling but if the tree was dead and you knew it and you did not do anything to mitigate it being dead and falling. But if a tree falls over, that's considered an act of God. And if that's a... So that means that your homeowner's insurance would cover your property damage from the act of God. Correct. Very good advice from Josh. Very, very astute.

So just make sure there's always a note from the tree that says, I am definitely alive. Mm-hmm. Out front at all times. No way. What? Get out of here. I'm not cutting my tree down.

The only reason I would ever consider this. I'll cut your tree down. Sorry, go ahead. The only reason I would ever consider it is if, you know, it says it's next to the property line. If my tree is growing over and into their property, I'd have a little bit of guilt there if they had a problem with

it. Or, you know, if they got a pool and my tree is the reason that their pool is just uncleanable all the time, that would be guilt where I would maybe consider it. But I like trees. Who doesn't like trees? Out here we are very pro trees because so few of them have really, they're not mighty and strong. No. They don't really get it done.

There are a lot of places where it's like there are too many trees. There are weather like snow, which if snow lands on trees, dead branches and stuff is really dangerous. If this tree had, here's the problem for Jack. The problem is she's now raised it, which means if it does fall, it is no longer neutral. It's like she's got an I told you so and a lot of anger towards you. I've got good news for Jack. Your tree ain't

falling. You're fine. Like your tree's not going to fall, so you don't even have to have guilt. What if a branch falls down previously and has landed in their yard? I would say I would cut that down. I did that. I'm OK.

I get that. Like the question of if the tree is over the fence line and it's invading pool or even just making a yard it's a problem for your yard your go ahead you can cut that part down I think that that's like on their side if your tree is in my yard I think I I can cut it I think I did some research on this at one point in time fine and if my tree is going into your your yard and you want to cut it it's what's in your yard, go ahead. The fruit of the tree, if it's a fruit bearing tree,

becomes your possession if it's over to the property line. Yeah, whatever is basically a vertical line, at least here in Arizona, of the property line, you can just trim the whole side of it straight up. Hmm, but that could make them mad too. Well, they would be the one trimming it. No, I'm saying that could make the owner of the tree. They are the owner of that part of the tree. I mean by rule.

That could make them mad and then you'd be like you should have cut it down. Yeah, but you can't poison your part of the tree to go over and hurt something. This was literally just an is this real life that just happened. There's this like well-to-do community in the upper northeast where this woman like poisoned hundreds of trees on somebody's property because she wanted she wanted to be able to see the shoreline from her property and she had offered to get the neighbor to cut down trees and they didn't want to so she poisoned them all.

Are you telling me that trees? That trees are allergic to poison? You got it. That's incredible. Yeah, a bunch of oak trees. So did she enjoy her view? It's a great view now. From jail. Yeah, exactly. Mike from Patreon, my neighbor, keeps borrowing my Wi-Fi password because their internet is quote, temporarily down. After the first time they asked, I changed the password a couple days later, then they came back over and asked for the new password. It's been three months and I'm starting to feel like

they're unpaid ISP, or that they didn't pay their internet service provider. They seem to be taxing the bandwidth pretty hard and I'm stuck buffering all my shows how can I tactfully cut them off without making it awkward mmm that's tough I get you don't want to have the confrontation of it but this is I mean this is completely unacceptable oh this is an easy answer man because I I hate confrontation.

Of the neighbor. What? OK. You have your anti-confrontation method. Are you signing up for a second service? No. Because this is going to go back to that Dave Ramsey thing. I'm changing my Wi-Fi password again,

and when they ask for it, I'm saying my internet's down. Is yours down? Mine too. Crazy. So lying is your answer? Yeah. OK. Wait.

Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Got it. I think you probably shouldn't have changed the password just a couple days later. I think that was your first mistake. You should have let that ride for a little bit. How long? That should have been like a week.

A week? Because then you can come back when they ask again and say, oh, I just changed it. It's been down a week. What's the deal? Couple days, that's, I mean. But they are where they are, and now it's been three months. No, I had problems only in the past. Oh.

With what could have been. Yeah, we're in charge of the future problems. Andy does the past problems. I mean, if they're hurting my bandwidth, it would be, I would fix it so quick. I mean, this would just be- You'd up your bandwidth? I would just, you would. I would just change so quick. I mean, this would just be- You'd up your bandwidth? No, just, you would.

I would just change my password. I mean, just change it and just say, oh no, we haven't been able to, you know, this is not your internet, man! Yeah, this is the truth. Right, L? Here's how Andy would- It ain't your internet.

You ain't wrong. Here's how Andy would fix the problem. He would let the neighbor know that Andy's bandwidth is being laggy and so you can't use it right now unless it's an emergency or something. It's called honesty. It would be totally fine. It would solve every problem out there, but you'd have to have that moment of confrontation. And I'll do everything to avoid that. So I'll double my internet.

If your neighbor... I'll pay for their internet. If your neighbor borrowed a riding mower that you had bought for $6,000. That's a nice one. Okay? Yeah. It's you. So it's probably...

John Deere. It's $12,000. Yep. It's the top of the line. It's made for yards 10 times the size of yours, but you got it anyway. Yeah, it's gonna do it faster. And they said, can I borrow, I need to trim my yard, or whatever you call it, mow my yard. Trim my grass.

I need to mow my grass. And then they put it in their garage, and they forgot to return it to you. How many months until you get it back? Are you willing to go over there and ask for it back? Yeah, if I need it. I mean, I would let them have it until I need it. I mean, that's just great.

They're storing it for me. But if I needed it, I would just say, oh, hey, I need to mow my lawn. And that doesn't feel confrontational. But what if they said no? I'd say, okay, yeah, I get it. I'd be like, yeah, okay. And then I'd probably have to...

At that point, I would probably just... If they said what mower? Oh, if they were like... Yeah, OK. And then I'd probably have to at that point, I would say, what more? Oh, if they were like, yeah, there's gaslighting. Yeah. I would be like, oh man, I thought I gave you a more honestly, they would probably win. I wouldn't even have to like do. I would probably go convince you you're wrong. I go talk to the family and like man. I I lost my poor I gave it to Nancy. It turns out I just I just someone someone stole our more. Did you guys see? Man, I want you as a neighbor bad. Yeah, I Have a tree stay up. I have been a very kind neighbor to like in my past houses

I have bought things for neighbors loan things for neighbors taking care of problems for neighbors just to avoid confrontation but I will say this I will say this breaking news I'm about to be a bad neighbor oh no yeah yeah no you're gonna you gotta talk about this yeah I know you are I just moved to a new neighborhood. And then, so I'm rebel, I'm a new. Another year, another house. Uh, there's an HOA.

Okay. Okay. Oh, I didn't know about that layer. Yeah, in the HOA. Not just the county. Not just the county, not just the neighbors. There's an HOA, and in our HOA, you are not allowed to have chickens, right?

Watch me, bro. I'm building my chicken run. You're waving your finger in the face of the HOA? Oh, yeah. And now you're telling everyone about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so here's the thing. I didn't think about that part of it.

I don't think this is a good idea. Hey, police. I'm tucking it way back. Like, it's in a corner. That's far from my neighbors I know wait are you wagging your finger or you're not now you're now you're backing down now You're like I'm hiding it away. I want my fresh eggs I don't want the popo cuz shut me down so wait are you so I write H.O.A. and city Ordinances again, I don't know but I Mike right and you're gonna wave my finger

Against the H.O.A. and I will I'll take what comes all right Mike you can visit me and shut me down Is city ordinances against it? I don't know, but I, Mike Wright, am going to wave my finger against the HOA, and I'll take what comes. All right, Mike. You can visit me and shut me down. Did you guys see? Sorry, we're going back to Wi-Fi because I remembered it. There was a viral video that went out of a neighbor confront or a person confronting their neighbor

because the neighbor had been using the other Wi-Fi for years and then this person put a password on it oh I have seen this video. And the neighbor comes in to demand that they take their password off and they're like what no what this is my Wi-Fi and they're like yeah but I've been using it for years. Oh my gosh that can't be real. Oh it's a real video. It's just like, yeah, but that's mine. And they're just, they're so angry and can't understand why someone would put a password on their wifi. Is that the one where he kind of says that's like the neighborhood's internet or something like that?

Yes, yep, it's the neighborly thing to do. People are so entitled. There's only one thing that I wouldn't like about you as a neighbor. I just thought of it. Chickens? No, well the chickens, I don't know. They're not even a problem.

I'm not getting a rooster. Here's the truth. Chickens eat bugs. Yes. Bugs affect the whole neighborhood. That helps. Yeah. And I'm not sure that chicken poop smells bad through the neighbor.

I'll clean it. And unless you got roosters waking me up. No, no, no, no. So not worried about that. No. You can also bribe people with eggs. No, no, no, no. So not worried about that. No, the only thing is that I'm pretty sure you have more trash receptacles than the whole street combined.

Because you rent 10 to 20 trash receptacles. I have a lot. And I've been to your house where I want to drop you off out front your house, and there's no area to pull up anymore because it's just a, it's like all of them from the neighborhood. Yeah, I wish I could just get a dumpster we we mores we accumulate a lot of garbage doing something else that they enjoy wouldn't like you should start incinerating your

trash in the backyard oh maybe like your own burn it baby all right do we have time for another one now let's do one more I think we super did we help that one I'm not sure Matthew Matthew from Patreon. What was the question? Something about being a neighbor. It changed the password. Okay. We have a friend, Matthew has a friend, whose house recently burned down. That sucks.

We don't have a ton of extra money, but we felt compelled to send them something to help, so I Venmo'd them $40. When I got to the confirmation screen, I realized I had accidentally sent them $400. Dude, that's big of you. I instantly received a text with an ecstatic and heartfelt thank you from them before I had the chance to explain the mistake.

That's so good. I cannot afford that big of a gift right now. Yes, you can. Yeah, that is the answer. That is done. That is donezo. You're going to need to go sell a dresser, okay? You got to do what you got to do. That is you can do that is done zone you can go sell a dresser, okay? You gotta do what you got done. You lost that

$360 Funny it's over. Yeah You can't give someone in a catastrophe money Be like actually bro that is your stupid dad have their heartfelt response and be like, actually, bro. That is your stoop attack. I need that back. Oh, that's so funny. Go sell a dresser.

Oh, man. That is the life advice. Oh, man. She gone, OK? That's earmarked. Dave Ramsey would say, she gone. That's gone. Now, let me just tease it out, because we all agree on that,

right? Like, that money's toast. Yeah, that money's gone. And you just need to now you just received the benefits of the you're having a garage sale now Why and you've got a friend that loves you for life right you just bought their affection for their neighbor anymore though no Sorry about your house, but what if you put another zero on there on accident? How many zero how many zeros does it take to where you can? Oh, four grand, if you meant 400 and you go to four grand. No, what if you meant 40 and you went to four grand?

Can you go and? You're saying you meant to do $40? Oh, because it's so obvious that it was large? Where does it get to where you can actually say, whoops? I think it's the total amount of money, not the obviousness. So for instance, if I meant to do $40 and I accidentally, I put the double zeros in thinking I was doing you know the sense and it was

$4,000 I would tell them. Oh my gosh Yeah, you got the text after I would say I would say I just saw that I meant to send four hundred dollars One it was one extra zero Now, $4,000. It was one extra zero, not two extra zero. $4,000 is a fair amount of a house burn is down, though. I think it's proportional to- They're not building a house with my four grand. No, but like, if your house burned down

and I gave you four grand, you wouldn't think I necessarily made a mistake. No, that's true. You'd be like, oh, that will help towards my really expensive house. Exceptionally generous. So I just think like, and then you got the tax. It's like, oh my gosh, this is saving us in a hard time. I still think the $4,000 is hard to fix.

I will say this. The question has come in, and so no matter what, the answer was not given right away. This is like in fantasy football, if you accidentally click something, and sometimes it's like, well, you gotta live with it. You said accept this trade. But if the answer comes immediate,

it's like, this goes through, oh yeah, I'm glad you took that trade. Oh, whoops, I didn't mean to. That's way different than a day later. Yeah. You know, you do accept this trade. The text comes in, Oh, I'm so glad you accepted this trade. And then a day later later going, Oh, that was an accident. I mean, Matthew, this is brought me great entertainment to know that you went through this. Is it inappropriate to text them and say, may I borrow $360? Pfft.

Yes. But what if you've got a need? You're saying borrow. This is just begging. I thought this question was going another place, which I also have this question, so I might as well ask it as well, which is like, if somebody has a major catastrophe,

is there too little of money to send that is an insult? Yeah, $40. That's going to what? That's going to my first reaction. That's you send nothing. Yeah. Like don't send $40 for a, like the house is probably $500 grand. You make them a nice dinner.

What's the- You say we'll take care of dinner for a week. What's the bare minimum? Because I know we'd all agree that $100 is fine. Yeah. But is $50 okay? 50 okay? Like 40 feels like- No, 100. For a house? For any real life event. A major life event. I'm judging it based on the- It's got to be at least 100, right? I don't- I mean, if you bang your car up and get in a car accident, it doesn't have to be 100.

Could be 50 for car repairs. Car repairs isn't a major life event okay, so you're not counting a car accident No, it who's put the go fund me out there for a fender bender hey I got rear-ended a little check this go fund me out a lot of people don't have money for car repairs I but but do they go fund me yeah? Idea neither was this of I didn't get hurt but old Betsy she's a wreck right now yeah I think that there is definitely too small an amount yeah where it is an insult which you did it and then karma gotcha yeah all right congratulations yeah relations because you were about to get a

different text. When that $40 went through, the text was going to be like, dude, it's okay if you need to keep this, you know? Or you just get a text that's 40 question mark. Did you make a typo? All right, we're going to take a break and come back with our draft. The Spitballers Draft Well, no better way to celebrate episode 297

than to draft the best mustaches on the planet. So Mike, you have the first pick in this draft and there's a lot of mustaches that you must choose from. Man, and there's some elite top tier talent in the mustache department here. It really is an iconic look. It can be, like a mustache can be who you are. Oh yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like if you take somebody's mustache off of certain people, they don't exist anymore. Oh man, I'm stuck between. You're struggling at number one. Because there's- Do you not know what the draft was today? That you were the first? Is it mustaches? Yeah, it was the first

Yeah, and you you all right. You were the first pick. I'm going yeah, but I when you're on the clock man, the pressure's up I'm going Tom Selleck. Okay, that's I would say Classically that's a vanilla ice cream of the pick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is the most common It is you know, that's kind of the name that comes to mind for me when I hear that's why I took it, but the problem for me is like I've never watched Tom Selleck in anything. He's my parents generally is an expiring mustache as I like to say yeah Just one of those like there will be a generation of people that don't know Tom like if you ask my kid oh They're not gonna know I said what do you think of Tom Selleck's mustache?

I'm just saying. Yeah, they will, okay perfect. So generationally, I better not hear anybody old. I knew that I stepped in that poop. You guys walked in a weird direction. I knew I stepped in that poop right away, but I was just trying to agree with Jason that like. All those real modern guys with mustaches.

Hey, I've got more iconic mustaches that I'll ask to stand. Okay, I've got more iconic mustaches. OK. All right. Let's go. I'll take a modern one, a show that just finished a couple years ago, instead of a show that finished. When was Tom Selleck's big hits were like in the 70s? They were decades ago.

It was probably in the 90s, maybe. I'm taking Ron Swanson. OK. I'm taking Ron Swanson. Okay. I'm taking Duke Silver Give me that mustache and give me the all the eggs you got and all the bacon you got It's a good look. That's a good pick but not a first-round pick. Oh Ron Swanson's it'll not belong. I mean Tom Selleck's a much better pick than that. Thank you I'm taking the mustaches of the people I like also. I've never watched Tom Selleck in anything.

I've gotten such good picks now. This is a question for Andy. Would you say nine years is a couple? No. OK, just checking. For no reason at all. Yeah, yeah. No, look, it's not a first round pick.

I'm sorry. I just don't agree with that. The people are going to come at you for that one. If this was a big mustache like tournament, Selick destroys Swanson. Thank you. I'm sorry. And I love Swanson, but I'm just... All right, we're back on track. I've got two mustaches to pick Not like I don't have to because you can't unless you have two sets of mouths Well, you can't have more than one no one can have more than one yeah, okay my first pick is So if you were to just cut off my pick what if you were to do... You just cut off my pick. What if you were to do a horizontal stripe on your lip? It's whatever's closest to the moustache... to the lips.

It's still a moustache. That's the only one you got. It's just a striped moustache. I did think about the double stripe. I totally did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still a moustache. Pick number one.

Yeah, I'm going... Mario! Yeah, Super Mario. Mario! Super Mario is on the list. You just made fun of Ron Swanson and you went with Super Mario Super Mario is on the list just made fun of Ron Swanson and you went with First they're not even a video game. They're not even in the same like tier one of them grew a real mustache

I'm just saying I built an entire gigantic list and then Was like oh, yeah, Ron Swanson. Thank you, Mike. Super Mario was the third name on my list. Thank you. You guys are crazy. The world will agree. And then, goodness gracious, I will go with my, look, I'm already a huge Western guy. The mustache and the Westerns are incredible.

And I get handed Sam Elliott. Yeah, that's a good thing. I mean, Sam Elliott is that mustache. He is mustache. Dude, if mustache. He is mustache. Dude, if you say he is mustache. That is the best phrase ever. In fact if a mustache was walking down the street my first assumption. It said Sam.

It would be Sam. So I'm thinking Sam Elliott and that freaking great mustache to go with Super Mario. Yeah no I love that pick. That is way better than Mario, and I enjoy Sam Elliott. Oh, man. OK, so I am back on the clock. I'm going in a different direction, I think, than you guys, right?

You guys are going. Yeah, you are. You guys are. What direction are we going in? You guys are going like. Popular mustaches. Popular mustaches. Like, big iconic mustaches. The best mustaches, you know, like

Best mustache of all time like that's what you're trying to do. Okay, that's not the game I'm playing No nuance. I'm building the best team of dudes with mustaches I am going to entertain the masses with my mustaches and it's going to start right now With borat the masses with my mustaches. And it's going to start right now with Borat. Borat? Borat. Borat? Yes baby. All time worst two pick. Such a good pick.

My wife. Oh man, the top two. Oh baby. Go look and remind yourself of that gorgeous regal mustache. I know it's a good mustache but Borat. Oh baby yeah now I'm so proud of my pick it's so good. Huh in the annals of time no mustache reigns supreme like Ron Swanson and Borat. That's darn right. Alright Mike. You're gonna see a theme. I am so sorry Mike that I began any part of this draft with a criticism of Tom Selleck.

You have made a wonderful pick. I mean, okay, Borat. Super Mario. It's hard to follow. All right, it's hard to follow Borat. Yeah. Go ahead. But I will try.

This one, I gotta get this name out there. I'm going with Groucho Marx. Okay. Yeah. Because this is just, this is a pure respect of when you buy a fake, glasses with a fake nose and a mustache, that's Groucho Marx mustache. It's his real mustache. So that was my question, I had a genuine question. I didn't know if he put on a fake mustache. I don't think he had a real one. Or if that was real. And for those that don't know Groucho Marx you can Google it. This looks like a bow tie as a mustache almost. I mean this is it's flat on the sides. Yeah this it can't be real. It looks like a fake mustache. It's a Groucho Marx mustache. It's gotta be a fake mustache then. I don't think so. Someone vet that. I'll get on that. Back then they didn't have fake mustaches. I think he may have.

Alright so Groucho Marx. Yes I'm taking Groucho Marx and then we're gonna go, I mean whatever, let's just pile old guys because I was I was torn between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds So I'm gonna go with Burt Reynolds because look this is the mustache had its time I'm so it had its peak and it was when those two guys were at the top. Yeah Yeah, and I definitely believe the cellic belongs ahead of Reynolds. No question Unfortunately, you have made a great... Boring. Just good competition. You're a good competition for me in this draft. Okay, so I'm saying Mike.

I can't wait to dominate this draft. Which what good pick are you gonna make? Oh, it's gonna be so good. It's gonna be so good. Here it comes. It better not be my last pick. You ready for this? Yeah. I'm Ron Burgundy? ready for this. Yeah, I'm Ron Burgundy

He's on my list perfect for your team. It's the right complement you are going character Oh Ron Swanson Borat and Ron Burgundy. Are you kidding me? Who doesn't want to hang out with that mustached group? I Do I sure do? All right, I don't want to hang out with that mustached group? I do, I sure do. All right. I don't want to hang out with, you want to hang out with Borat? Oh, yeah, he would make me laugh like crazy.

He'd be handing me bags full of his poop. I mean, funny gags. What? All right. No, I don't remember that part. It's been a while. Jason's getting in my head a little bit because I've got some worthy mustaches that belong here,

but I am a little concerned about the fact that he went contemporary on everything. See that? But Mike's got some- Ron Swanson's contemporary, Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the last decade.

Good job updating these guys, by the way. Yeah. Really good job. I don't mind calling him contemporary. I'd mind you saying a couple years. OK. All right, I'm going to go with, oh, by the way, I had one note next to Tom Selleck on my list, which

obviously you drafted him. But it was just thick. Yeah. That is a thick. When you see that mustache, but it was just thick. Yeah. That is a thick, when you see that mustache, there are so many people out there, so many men that are like, I can't grow that much hair per square inch

on my mind. I would say almost every man on the planet that has ever thought of that. That's a hair per inch record. Yeah, I mean. He has DPI. You're talking about Sam Elliott has, he is a mustache a must he is mustache and he does not have the thickness He is his thickness still wishes that it was Tom. So, you know who doesn't wish that?

Borat Dude that thing that thing is back to more. I'm just saying all right You want to give respect to thick mustaches you respect Sasha Baron Cohen cuz that that dude can grow a stash He can uh it was fake by the way. I just looked that up. No. Yeah. Oh no Crumbles oh yeah, Groucho Marx, huh? Oh yeah, I'm not flexing on my guys being real I'm just kidding I have no idea I'm betting this oh man, but the fear that you had on your face. Yeah, that felt pretty stupid All right, I'm going a classic in an iconic. I'm going Albert Einstein

Okay, the bushy. Oh Just unruling yes unruly mustache that thing is all over the place and then I'm gonna fall. Ooh, maybe I'll make a pivot Maybe I'll make a pivot you haven't gone yet you can just walk to your name no no no mental okay yep I'm doing it Teddy Roosevelt my mustache is presidential yours is borat I'm going president and speaking of borat. I started typing in teddy mustache To look at it president teddy mustache was the 22nd president So speaking of borat, please not it is a real mustache But you were scared I was I was lying. Yeah, because you're lying. I was very scared. Well this makes it easy.

There is one man that I know left that just fits my list. He was the lowest on my ranking of mustaches in general, but when I'm assembling an iconic comedic team of mustaches, Ted Lasso's gotta be there, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look at my team. Ron Swanson, Borat, Ron Burgundy, and Ted Lasso's gotta be there, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean look at my team Ron Swanson Borat Ron Burgundy and Ted Lasso. I think Ted Lasso really saves your team there. Thank you Yeah, it's perfect for your squad I'm like basically if somebody stepped into Like what like a ten year time machine none of these mustaches existed right these are all modern mustaches. Yeah double M's

Yeah, modern most eminem's all right Mike final pick sell it Groucho March marks and Burt Reynolds are your three Jason has Swanson Borat burgundy and lasso. I've got Super Mario Sam Elliott Albert Einstein and Teddy Roosevelt Some may say this is where my team jumps the shark, but I don't care. Wait, did you just go like a personal favorite mustache? Yeah, no, we're going for... My dad's. No, no.

My dad was a mustache man though. Yeah, mine too. Mine too. No, it's... It's the same era, the mustache era. Selick's era, yeah. No, it's a man, he's a little tiny orange man, and he takes care of the trees It's the Lorax, baby

my god Don't look at his mustache you made fun of my pics I know he totally jumped the shark at the end like he said yeah the Lorax I mean it is look at the Lorax mustache if you look at a poster of The Lorax, I mean it is look at the Lorax mustache if you look at a poster of Baskin its glory of the Lorax like all it is is a mustache. Yeah What's the what's the guy with the two guns? You know, he had a way bigger mustache You're going for just that the Lorax is looks like Wilford Brimley. He does that was a real guy Yeah, you could have gone Wilford Brimley. I mean I can't believe Hulk Hogan went undrafted

I thought you guys would go I mean that is that is as iconic you could put it this way if you put a mustache on A piece of paper okay, you just drew a mustache. Is there anyone else? That could you could say this is not a mustache. I mean not a tradition. It's a handlebar. Thank you Yeah, but I'm just saying if you draw that you go. that's Hulk Hogan. That's Hulk Hogan's mustache. But that's not how I draw a mustache. I draw it and I go, I do the little curly case. Yeah, Raleigh Fingers style. I'm saying that you can't-

Yeah, that's more embarrassing. That Raleigh Fingers is not in here. I'm saying that if you drew the Raleigh Fingers mustache, and if you don't know who that is, it's because you're great and you didn't watch baseball. If you drew that, you wouldn't look at that and go, well, that's Raleigh Fingers. You could say, oh, Raleigh Fingers had a mustache like that, but you don't know who that is You don't know who any of these are no except for Hulk Hogan. No, you're wrong. No, I'm that I Will say this I Raleigh fingers would have been a pick but I was afraid

No, I'm old time of the popularity of your list Who's the guy Steve Harvey? Yeah, I thought for sure I'd end up with Steve Harvey. The Pringles guy? On the can? The Monopoly man? Yeah, all right. Okay. Ned Flanders. That's a great one. Wyatt Earp. Yep, I thought for sure you'd end up with Wyatt Earp. I just didn't want to double up. Sam Elliott and Wyatt Earp. Yeah, that's fair. I thought you when you said you're gonna pivot into you were gonna go Einstein right into Mark Twain. He was on the list. Charlie Chaplin, very iconic mustache. I had to choose Einstein versus Twain. Did I make the right choice?

No, and here's why. The reason is because I thought of Einstein, but when I think of Einstein, and when anyone thinks of Einstein, as far as physically, you don't think about the mustache, you think about the top. You think about the hair. You think about the hair. Like that's top you think about the hair you think about the Hair like that's that's mark that is the iconic is pretty similar if you were to if you were to get a

Halloween costume for Einstein if you were to get a Halloween costume for Einstein right it might not even come with my like the wig Is more important the wig is enough you walk in with that wig that's unfortunately a decent argument that I hopefully people turn the show off already um Charlie Chaplin yeah that's about it oh he did yeah that's about the end of my list oh I had dr. Phil that doubted been a good Jason pick of Alex not funny Alex Trebek oh yeah classic but he had times where he was no must that's all that's true. So Couldn't fully commit. Oh, no Freddie Mercury. Oh, yeah. Yeah killer step I looked at him earlier and I meant for him to be on my list I'm glad you you name that cuz that's very iconic. Oh

I learned that Jason is a renegade He's gonna tell his H.O.A. Jason Moore? You mean Mike? You mean me? Mike Wright? I am a renegade and I will build a chicken coop on my Mike Wright's property. I learned about the finer details of insurance law if the tree's not dead.

That's such great news. You deal with your own problems. And I learned that even though I do agree with a lot of Dave Ramsey's teachings, I do not follow them. And I don't want him around me, and I don't want him judging me. Judge thyself. I will actually.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. Alright, goodbye everybody. Goodbye everybody. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.