Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 298: Flying Penguins & Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

On today’s raucous episode we try to figure out how to ride dolphins, marvel at the wonders of the underwater flying penguin, play a brand new round of Guess Guess Goose and wrap things up with a Things To Do When that Midlife Crisis Hits Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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PrizePix for a deposit match up to $100. PrizePix, run your game. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squee-da-bee-bop-bee-bro, I'm Satchmo. Oh The sign of any good impression is identifying yourself at the end You get halfway through you get halfway through and it was going great and then and then you're like I better make sure they know Yeah, and who this is Tomahawk dunk at the end? Yeah, I'm sad

So you know I figured I don't have to do the scat ever again if I'm not the one that does it Okay, you know I'm saying your channel that's that was brought to you by satchmo, okay Who knows Scooby-Doo might be the next one? I don't know. I bet next week it's Sashmo. Yeah, I got a list of about one. It's his thing. Welcome into the Spitballers, episode 298. Would you rather on today's show guess guest goose

where someone not yours truly has to wear the goose? Honk. And then not that we would be familiar Goose where someone not yours truly has to wear the goose. Hark. And then not that we would be familiar with any of the possible answers. A lot of research necessary for this draft today. But we're gonna draft things to do when your midlife crisis hits. Yeah, after we established what we were gonna be.

I'm such more. After we established what we were gonna be drafting, I bought some books. Talked to, called up some old people. No, you definitely didn't just go into your browser history for the last two years. Not me. What midlife crisis?

So that's what we're drafting. That should be entertaining. I'm looking forward to it. You can find us on X at Spitballers Pod. You can leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify, we appreciate it. Actually, the best way you can help the show, leave us that review.

Make sure you're following the episodes and tell your family and friends about the podcast. I find that humor is more fun shared. Find your sickest friends and They prescribe them. I see because of the medicine. Yeah. Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they say All right moving on Would you rather Question from the website Uriah writes in would you rather have no sense of time or

No sense of direction So help me take those to the extreme because I mean we all know a moment in in In your day-to-day life, or maybe you lose track of time and you all know a moment where you get lost but take them to their nth degree here, because... Yeah, I mean, I feel like we've got to deal with the elephant in the room here, which is navigation. Right? Like... Yeah, that is what popped into my head.

Most of the people that I know, and this blows my... This shocks me, because I know this does not apply to you two gentlemen, and I feel like does not apply to you two gentlemen. And I feel like it should apply to absolutely no adult in the world, but when I have polled people around me, their sense of which direction is north or south or east or west, they have no idea. And I'm like, how are you a grown-up? How do you not know which direction you're going right now? First of all, just by, I don't know, living enough years to know, oh yeah, when I go that way I'm going east or west.

But also you can look at the sun. Like you don't even have to, I can go to Nebraska. Don't stare at the sun, kids. No, no, no, don't stare at the sun. But if I go- It tells you. It just tells you which direction you're heading. So, but all of them are fine because of navigation.

Because getting somewhere, finding their way to somewhere has nothing to do with sense of direction. You don't need it anymore. Do you, if you didn't have a sense of direction, are you getting lost in your own house here? Are you like, probably, when you get to the office, you do get turned around in your own house? I mean, you might be okay for the most part in your house, but if you're, you know, just a larger place, like you go to a museum, you go to the state fair, you're not going to be able to find anything. Mm-hmm.

Repeatedly. Walmart, Costco. Yeah, there you go. Oh, you're getting lost. A theme park becomes an impossibility. I mean, you are... You better be handcuffed to your kids, you know what I mean? Because you won't find your way back to them. Yeah, that would be a nightmare. And then no sense of time.

I mean, I don't want to get too deep here. But if you have no idea about the passage of time, does anything exist at all? Oh, or do you? Or? I was just like, you're going to be late for stuff. Alternatively, do you just stay young? I guess it doesn't mean you have amnesia, right?

Well, I'm just saying that. This just means you don't know how much time is. You know, we're mean you have amnesia. Well I'm just saying it just means you don't know time how much time you know we're talking about midlife crisis here if you have no concept of time. Yeah you're not old you're not young. Feel 10 years old? You are 10 years old. You still know that at night time you're gonna go to sleep and you'll wake up be like I I don't know how long I slept. This is a difficult question to answer. Yeah, I mean, the truth is, in context to this question, it just means like you are an idiot with directions

or an idiot with time. You're always running late. OK, that makes it easier. You're always behind the eight ball. Or you're always getting lost. Yeah, you're either getting lost, need to constantly ask for directions, or you're setting like a million timers for yourself and trying to remember what they all mean. If you get lost, you're also gonna be late.

I was gonna say one of these is both of these. One of these is always both of these. Yeah, so I gotta go with the no sense of time. Hmm, yeah. You'll be late, but you drove straight there. I did. Which is more embarrassing? Like, well. I think it's more embarrassing to drive straight there and be late Because if you think about it this way you really did if you Show up somewhere late. What do you do you make an excuse? Oh, yeah, I took the wrong turn

You give the reason why you're late. You don't say oh man. I came straight here. Sorry. I'm late while you're late. You don't say, oh man, I came straight here, sorry I'm late. It's like, oh my bad, I didn't care enough to leave on time, so that's why I'm late. Which is probably the truth half the time. Man, yeah, I guess I'll just go, I'd rather have no sense of time. That might let me enjoy things. I'm an impatient person. That might let me like enjoy things more often because I'm just impatient person that might let me like enjoy things more often because I'm just I'm just in the moment I think there is a freedom to not having time Ruling your life, so I will take that as well the freedom to being late. I

Think it's more embarrassing to not be able to do directions though Okay, so as a man I'm a man. I know where I know where north is you don't need to stop and ask for directions I'm a man. I know where I know where north is you don't need to stop and ask for directions Skip from patreon would you rather always have to refer to your mother-in-law? Oh gosh? Oh dear goodness Would you always have to refer? Refer to your mother-in-law as babe Or your father-in-law is tubby

Tubby yeah, that Tubby. Yeah, that was quick. That was easy. Yeah, man. I've done the babe thing with friends like once or twice. I've done the babe thing with my own mother one time. Because I'm so used to calling my wife. That's what I call my wife. I call my wife babe. I say, hey babe, come here.

And I've had a couple of times, you know, you do that for so many years and then you you suddenly you're running an errand with your mother And it's like babe come over here. Oh, yeah, well. I'll see you never again. Yeah This is where I say goodbye doesn't it become normalized if that's always like hey, babe You know what I mean? I'm showing up and my mother like hey, babe, looking good. No. It's a compliment versus, hey Tubby, you looking bad, gramps. Let's go lose some weight, tubs. Well, you're not doing that,

you're just always going to the tubby. It's insinuated. Yeah. One of these is, but you don't have to elaborate on it. Tubby is, I guess there's Tubby Tuberville, right? I was trying to think if there's ever a name of somebody where it's like tubby is a good

Well, tubby was the name of the the character that I would always draw growing up tubby. Yeah Oh, that's what most people were thinking not babe. No, tubby Tubby means you're fat. I mean, let's just let's pull the band-aid off It is a negative if someone calls you tubby y'all know you like them snacks Snack count at a hundred. Uh, tubby y'all know you like them snacks Snack count at a hundred uh tubby. Oh, man, I if your father-in-law is not Good spirited you're about to get your butt kicked over and over again possible as long as they got that old man strength Yeah, there's a chance you run into the wrong father-in-law where to Jason's point if you call your mother-in-law babe in a funny way it's also awful I don't

want to do either of these. Well the father-in-law could get upset at that. Oh yeah the father-in-law is going to be like who are you calling babe. So this is a little off topic but I was reminded of it. It's not this character I draw. No no no no it's about old man strength and like the idea of that guys as they get older like there's just this weird they get strong and then I thought you know why is that because it's obviously the opposite of what you think of you get older you actually get weaker and well back in the day you would have guys doing intensive labor jobs. Yes, yes, in the coal mines, carpenter, building, concrete, whatever.

Construction for 40 years. And then push-ups. And it's like, oh. Podcasting. Yeah, no, that's exactly where I went of like, wait. I'm not going to get old man strength. I'm not going to get old man strength, am I? No, you already have it. There's a way to tell if somebody somebody has it look at the hands and look at their working man's hands

No, no, this is a real thing. We yes, that is it. Are you I don't think we're getting old man You have to be grizzled. I'm telling you you already have old man strength. I'm telling you if you go That's another problem for the draft if you go up against a 20 year old and you just want to push each other. Okay. He's not moving you. Okay. You're moving him. Old man strength comes with a little bit of yuckness.

That's not for all of us, Tubby. But you're just calling me that drawing Mike used to do? Is that what a term of endearment? I think, yeah, I get it. I mean, it was a reflection, at least how I think of it, is like the mechanic did mechanic stuff for 40 years, and now they're just. I don't think I'm getting it.

You're saying. I don't think I'm getting old man strength. You're not gonna, no. So does that mean that. Does that mean that. Your son-in-law can call you tubby? Well, it would be accurate at this point. Will the next generation refer to old man strength as a weakness?

Like, oh, you don't want old man strength. They have done. Right. Why? Their weak podcasting arms can't lift my baby. Yeah. I'm worried about it. I'm going to call the father-in-law Tubby and hope he's a podcaster.

I'm going to call the mother-in-law babe and have fun with it I think I can make it into a nice term of endearment that isn't until she falls for you creepy Well, I mean that had to have happened the day she met me well Wait, okay go to the side of the spouse would your wife rather hear you call Her mother babe, right or your or her dad her mother babe or her dad. Jason's probably right on this one. I'm pretty confident she'd rather me call her mother babe. One is directly mean and denigrating,

and the other can be spun in a humorous way. And let's be honest, we are now past our own midlife crisis age, I hope, I pray. And so that means our in-laws, please tell me I'm past it, our in-laws are, you know, I don't think this is, you know, when you call them babe, I don't think there's mixed signals here. You know, they're an age where it's just nice. It's just a kindness. You might have to explain yourself in a few public settings. Maybe.

She's my mother-in-law. That doesn't make it better. No, what is your final answer? Look, she's a babe. Tubby. Okay, me too. I poked a bear. Two tubbies and a babe.

Two tubbies and a babe. All right, Cody from Patreon. Would you rather wake up tomorrow and have your kids be infants again? Oh no. Or have your kids be 20 years older? Oh man, you're gonna get me here. Oh, what, sentimental man?

Yeah. 20 years older, easy. Easy. He's like, I can't wait. If I could push a button now to skip 20 years, easy. You don't wanna go back? No button now to skip 20 years, easy. You don't want to go back? No. No. I do remember, man, this is why people have more than one kid, is they romanticize.

Because they make mistakes. This is really tough because- No, it's so easy, man. This is tough for Andy and I. This is one of those, like, there is something really great about, I mean, obviously, going back to infants, I don't want an infant. I love a baby. I don't want to have to change diapers anymore or whatever.

But if you're telling me I got to relive and re-experience the three-year-old, the four-year-old, the six-year-old, you know, those ages are so magical. The problem is, I don't get to go back in age in this. Now I'm older and have to deal with... Your kid has the old dad. Right. We all knew someone who had the old dad and it was weird. If my son became 20 years older today, he'd be five years younger than me. Maybe you could do things together

Yeah, take naps. So sorry after dude sounds like I got a best friend That I mean, I'm just I'm teasing it out cuz that is enticing to like but aren't you also? I mean you you are factually taking 20 years of your children's life away Yeah, but they're they don't get to live to 120 now You're just subtracting two decades of their experience. Let's just hypothetically then it would detract You're like a decade home and they live a nice 20 years and then you come out of it and they've so free for your intents And purposes they that would be bad to enjoy their life That would be better because I mean this is basically saying, I don't get grandchildren

if I pick that one. Right. Whereas if you're in a coma. Right. They're going to have to find love in their... Right. Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying it's impossible to get grandchildren.

I'm saying there's a good chance it's not going to work out. Just do the math. You'll see. 20 years, I mean, you're probably okay. Yeah, it'll be fine. I mean, it just depends on how they've aged, you know? I think even at regular childbearing age, the average age that Americans are of kids,

I think you'll still be fine. One more caveat before I make you pick your final answer, which is... I already picked, bro. He's like, there's nothing that could change me here. If they go back to being infants again, you do get to redo all this stuff you screwed up as a parent.

I didn't screw anything up. All right, last caveat here before we pick. We're gonna change this to, would you rather have your kids wake up tomorrow like they are, or have your kids be 20 years older? Mike, go. Let's see, up tomorrow like they are or have your kids be 20 years older? Mike, go. Let's see.

They're like they are right now? Yeah, like nothing changes or you can skip 20 years. Like basically do you want to be in a coma? Like, because we can do this for you. So and we're, this is like the assumption that they're 20 years older so they have, they have self-reliance. Oh absolutely. They've, they're moved out.

I get my house. They've moved out. I get my house. You get your house. Wait, what's the downside? All right, back to the original question. I'm taking the infants. I'm doing it too. I'm going to go reliving it.

Weirdo old dads, enjoy it. Enjoy all the new mistakes you get to make. All right, Al, how are you today? Doing great. What's your answer for that one? I'm going to have to go back to infant stages. Yeah, he's sentimental like me. We have time for another Would You Rather?

I just have one, Mike, so it's a little less taxing. Yeah, your single child will have his own issues. You took a lazy way out, man. Yeah, this is a, you know. Papa Josh, do I at least have someone who's willing to admit it? My kids are getting older, man. I'm kinda missing the younger days.

Oh man, you guys just don't remember. Here's the problem. Now I'm the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. That's, hmm. I remember all of it. It's terrible. There's some good stuff. So much terrible. Oh my gosh. All right. So you're saying we're just having nostalgic viewpoints. We only remember the good. You can't go back home. You know that phrase?

That's what they're talking about. And then we got the Falcon in Doosers Alley where if he skipped 20 years, he'd just have eight-year-olds. So, cool, man. All right, are we, uh, we got time for one more? Are we moving on? Yeah, let's do one more. All right, uh, Dahlia from the website. Would you rather have to try and saddle and ride a dolphin or saddle and ride a bull? Ooh. This is like, do I have to find the dolphin or is it brought to me?

You gotta be in a tank. Yeah, it's in a tank. I'm in a tank, I just gotta get a hold of it? Yeah, you're not finding a bull out in the wild either. You're in a rodeo pin. You know, it's just like. Well, I'm thinking like, the one thing I know about dolphins from my vast research,

like if I have a bucket of fish, they're gonna come hang out with me. But I don't know how I get a bull to hang out with me. Like a bucket of, what does a bull eat? Grass? I mean, I just don't feel like you see bulls coming over to you because you hold out some grass. And my number one priority here

is how do I get on this thing? If we really have to be the one to saddle them there's I mean well we're not gonna do either but I I would not have the courage to even attempt a bull but like dolphin I can be convinced that I can befriend this and yeah yeah there's intelligence they'll know I'm a friend. We will become besties. Yeah. And then maybe someday they will let me harness its swimming power. But a bull, I won't walk near it. I won't be its friend because I am afraid of being its skewer. By being gored. Yes. Yeah, only one animal can gore you in this example. But a dolphin, what if a dolphin's like sweet?

You ready to go 50 feet under the water? That's true. But the thing, I'm not like strapped into the saddle, am I like locked in? You've got your feet things in. I got a seatbelt? You got the feet in. The stirrups?

Yeah, you're in the stirrups. Okay, but I can take my feet out of those. You could get out, but you're only 50 feet down by the time you get them off. Now, let me ask you a question, because Papa Josh trained dolphins. This is not a lie. He is really old He's lived five six seven midlife crisis now Papa Josh. Have you ever saddled or seen a dolphin saddles? No, okay I have ridden a dolphin though

Just do you hold their back? Do you just hold on to the fin? Yep, how fast how that go? I love that he started nodding as well. Again, this is an audio podcast. You've got to use your words. So that would be a yes on the fin. How did it go? Very cool and fast. Did it ever try to submerge?

Yeah, I've been under, I've like been pushed underwater by him too. Superman style neat Oh, like where you put the you put your feet on there and they're flying through the water. No one's friends with a bowl Yeah, but how cool would you be if you like your horse was a bowl? Tell that imagine tell Paul Bunyan a Western with three dudes roll up on their horses and one dudes rolling up on their ball Dude, that would be a mate That would be a character. Oh for sure. That's tubby over there. Well, that's that's the king

I mean, yeah, you go back in time you redo any old Western any great old Western like the three amigos and And one of them has a bowl. That's the king real real talk real question. Okay. Why can't we tame all of them? Why are some animals untamed like a zebra like a zebra is a horse, but you can't tame a no zebras Can't be like why what can we like, you know ride a lion, you know Or a wolf. Why can't we ride a big wolf? Well, we turned them into dogs Hmm, we can't you can't tame a zebra? Where does this factoid come from? This comes from the back of my noggin and I'm pretty sure it's right because I've...

Where have you heard this? Here's the results. Zebras can be trained and hybridized. No they can't. But they have never been domesticated. Yeah, they're not domesticated animals. Unpredictable, aggressive, and strong territorial streaks, making them difficult to train and difficult to saddle. Yeah, I mean, it's a somewhat known thing. No, it is not. Yeah, it is. I've never heard this in my life.

Listen, as human beings, we saddle and ride everything we can. We've already accomplished the saddle and ride of all things we've tried. Camels, check. Elephants, check. Horses, check. Zebras of all things we've tried. Camels check, elephants check, horses check, zebras didn't work. Yeah. It did not work. Yeah I mean I think a few people might have got it done but. Yeah but I mean you don't have zebra rides at the zoo. No. And you never will Mike. Yeah that's right. They're ornery. They're aggressive. They're so

upset about these stripes. They are, they feel like they're in prison. Then why am I watching a video of people racing on zebras right now? Because AI can do any... This is not AI! There's outliers. Now listen, if I was a zebra and I was trying to hide in the bush and I looked like a referee from a football game, I'd be pretty pissed too. Alright, when I say do people ride zebras,

while some people have ridden zebras in the past, zebras are not typically ridden because they are not domesticated and have not evolved to support the weight of a human rider. Yeah I am watching a bunch of people on zebras at Churchill Jones flying down the back. Oh and one guy gets tossed! Yeah because that's the point. This is going horribly. They're all tossed from these zebras. This is what we do as people. I'm not saying you can't do stupid things.

You can try to saddle a dolphin. A hippo or a rhino? Yeah, go for it, man. See how that hippo's going to love you. Yeah, yeah. Just because we can doesn't mean we should. What animal that is not currently saddled would you wish to ride the most?

I mean, the rhino is right there. Oh, yeah. With the horn? Yeah. See, I'm going to your lion. I'm going to the king of the jungle. I mean, because I can jump. Your rhino's not jumping.

Yeah, the lion would be cool. I'm not going to argue. I think the problem with the lion is just the way that it runs. I don't know that it's going to work out for you. If you're on the lion and be cool. I'm not gonna argue. I think the problem with the lion is just But if we're doing the way that it runs I don't know that it's gonna work out for you if you're on the lion And I'm on the Rhino and we're doing like old-school You know we're gonna run at each other with and battle. I'm gonna win. Yeah, I believe that I believe that and then I hope I skewered hope Mike chooses some kind of bird zebra There was a bird that you could actually ride on.

They ride ostriches, don't they? They can't fly. That's all I know. We didn't say anything about flying. Is that a bird with an asterisk? Is that what an ostrich is? Yeah. Yeah, that's a bird wink.

Yeah, why do we have an ostrich and an emu and they can't fly? That would be terrible when you go to the bird meetings. It would suck if you were them and you show up and you're like, my wings are bigger than all yours combined and I can't fly, that would be terrible. When you go to the bird meetings. It would suck if you were them and you show up and you're like, my wings are bigger than all yours combined and I can't get off the ground. You're like, I run really fast. Like, that's cool, see ya.

That's why they stick their head straight in the ground, man. Which they don't do. I can't see you flying. Yeah, that's right. I think a prerequisite. Watch this, bonk. A prerequisite for being a bird should be flight.

If you can't fly, you shouldn't be allowed to be in the bird club. And I just Googled, can penguins fly? Oh, no, they cannot. Oh, no, they can. You had to Google that? They can if you have the stupidest answer of all time, which is penguins can't fly through the air,

but they can fly underwater. No, they can't. That's not flying, that's called swimming. We got a word for that. We got a word for that Google AI. It's called swimming. They can swim fast. Michael Phelps can't fly. Well Michael, he can't fly through the air but he can fly in the water. Dumb AI. Oh man. I got a submarine. It's a flying submarine. Yeah, a flying submarine. Exactly. Oh, man. The birds of prey, those great whites.

All right. We'll take a break. We'll come back with some Guess, Guess Goose. Yeah. Goose. Goose. Goose. Goose.

Goose. Goose. Goose. Goose. Today's show is brought to you by your friends over at Masterclass. On this podcast, we like a few things. We like having a good time. And strange enough podcast we like a few things. We like having a good time and strange enough we actually like learning things and despite us believing

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Or turn your passion into achievements with cultural icon Martha Stewart. Or maybe you're like me, you just really are fascinated by science and outer space. Boom Chris Hadfield legendary astronaut is here to teach you about science and space exploration. Right now our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash ballers that's 15% off at masterclass.com slash ballers masterclass.com slash ballers What time is it game time? Huh, I think that's the first time I've watched that drop on video. How'd it look ever? It looked great What do you think?

I still haven't watched it. Yeah. Gas, gas, goose time. Now my kid is finally. Yeah, no, I got it. I mean, I've been down this road, brother. How does it work? Well, you just wear it like a hat

and you strap it under your chin and. And you look like a goose. Yeah, it's great. It's really great. Is this gonna fit on my Those those goose legs look like they are about to break to the limit you might need to leave those dangling um oh That's real scratchy. Yeah, you can let them dangle. I don't know if it'll stay on I won't stay okay We're good. So Mike for those listening at home looks ridiculous it's got a goose on or reduculus um no it's a goose all right I'll explain how this game works we are doing guess guess goose yes sir we pulled a bunch of

people and we got the correct answer if you try again yeah Yeah, sure. Why not? You're going to be trying to guess the percentage of people that said, nope, I don't want to try again. I got you. Oh, this is great. No, no, no.

The best part is there's no editing allowed. There's no editing allowed. We love you. All right. Let's go to the Deucer's cam here. And let's third time's the try. How does this came? We're just going to go straight to the scoring.

Three points if you guessed the correct answer, two points if you are within five percent in each direction, and one point to the other people who are guessing higher or lower than what the guesser guessed. The Deucers cam is so great right now because you have two people that are so happy. It's unbelievable. I've never seen these two producers look so happy. Honestly, I think it's five of the six in the room that are pretty happy right now. Oh I'm good. All right so to clarify. You pulled some people. And people said what they believe

the average number of whatever this question is gonna be is we found out what the average is. We're going to guess what that average is, one of us, and then the other people are gonna have to guess higher or lower. It's best to just let us play. Let's play, man. And follow along. That's literally exactly what I said. All right. Am I reading this?

Yes, sir. Okay. And this is for me to guess, and you guys can decide higher or lower based on my guess. Oh, this is a great question. Jason and Mike will be guessing higher or lower. Andy will be guessing a percentage. How? Where? Here it goes.

What percentage of people prefer to use the big spoon instead of the small spoon while eating breakfast cereal? We've been here before. I mean, what percentage of people are stupid? So this has been a famous discussion point on the show where some of us are more evolved and then there's these two. Your team's small spoon too?. Yes. Yeah good man, Mike

Yes, I'm not a neanderthal that the vitriol that has hit social media What percentage of people use the big spoon instead of the small when eating breakfast cereal? I'm gonna say that number is 65 percent use the ball. That's a good that's a good 65% because I think we did find out that more people use the big spoon. And just to clarify the rules, if I get within 5%? In either direction. In either direction, I get? Two points.

Two points. And then they get one point if they guess higher or lower. Yep. And if you nail it right on the head, you get three points. OK. Ooh. Has that ever happened? Yeah.

You did one time. Oh, man. Good job. So the big spoon, you're setting the line at 65%. I think 65% of people use the big spoon and then the other 35 are you guys. All right, I got mine locked in. The problem is I have my morals and my principles

versus the truth. Versus what the truth might be. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go higher and I will take lower I trust the people the correct answer is 47 yeah okay team little spoon yeah that means the majority of people are using the little spoon using the correct spoon stop calling it the little spoon there is some variability between what the big spoon is in the set and the small spoon is in the set using the spoon. Stop calling it the little spoon. There is some variability between what the big spoon is in the set and the small spoon is in the set. That's like five guys calling it a little cheeseburger.

It's just, man, dude, that's a full-size cheeseburger. You're calling it a little cheeseburger. It's just a spoon. Yeah. Exactly. I don't have a little spoon. I have a spoon and I have a big spoon. Yeah, a little spoon is like a teaspoon.

I don't use that. I hate y'all. All right, Mike, you're up. Jason got one point there. Nothing for Andy and Mike. All right, my question is, what percentage of people have used sporks more than 10 times in their lives? 10 times?

That's a lot of sporking. We're a spork house, we have sporks. Sporks are great. They come in handy when you're having a birthday party and you run out of the regular utensils All right, I know the number. I just need to know how old these people are You think sporks were like popular like older generation? No, they feel like kid things Oh, I'm just saying like the older you are the more likely it is that you've used a spork ten times I mean, I guess that's fair now now, Mike, you need to make the selection. Yep, I'm going to set my percentage at...

Oh, dude, I have no idea. This was tough. I'm not jealous. I wrote down my percentage number. 50%. Oh, dang. Sabotage. Okay, I got my answer locked.

All right, I do too. I wrote 55%, so I guess I'll take the over. I'll take the lower. The correct answer is 67%. Whoa! People be sporking. People be sporking. Yeah.

All right. Do we ever move away from utensil-related things? Because it's not working for me. Well, we'll move away from that. That was the last one. All right, here's the next question. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends' social media posts?

How many? So what percentage of people are telling the truth? That's what this question is. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends' social media posts? OK. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends' social media posts? Okay, I'm gonna go with 75%. Oh, that's a good guess. I've got mine figured out.

That's a good guess, you're at 75%. All right, Andy, you can answer. Just your higher or lower? I am higher. I am higher too. Okay. All right The correct answer is 62 percent gosh darn it. I am wearing the goose man

Oh, wait, you have no point. No, okay. Nobody got any points on that round. All right. All right So currently we have Jason with two and you guys with nothing. So I'm shocked anybody's game Yeah, it's still way too close guys with nothing. I'm shocked anybody's game. Yeah it's still way too close. All right I thought it's funny because I went 75% to kind of play the the range but I was gonna be in the 80s. Yeah my number was 80. That means a lot of people were lying. Yeah all right what percentage of people have had their shoes shined at an airport? Oh man. How many people are 60 and also yeah old timing shoes shine at an airport what percentage? Oh boy, I can't believe those things are still there all right, and I have to give the percentage right yes You do a lot of good 20% oh, okay?

20 Wait, this is only I have my way hold on hold on hold on point of clarity sure I Mean I feel like it's men who get their shoes shined. It's people. Are they all being pinged? Like, do I need to cut this in half? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know that he has the answer to that question.

Yeah. The percentage is over both genders. Can I change or am I locked? I'm fine with you changing. 15. 15%. 15%. Okay, so I will then go higher. I will go lower.

The correct answer is 5%. Yeah! Yeah baby! Why do they have them? Why are they there? Because it costs money to get rid of them. It was like they built them a long time ago when they were used and it's like, ah, we're not doing construction around here yet. Actually, to be honest, I don't remember seeing them.

And you said you were a part of the 5%? No, no, I've never. I was trying to get you to go higher so that I- You've had to have had to. I've had my shoes shined but not in an airport. That was so specific. Oh, at an airport! I really took that as ever.

Oh, no. I would have been part of the eight percent the amount of shoes shine Stations that I've seen it in an airport I bought them in bulk it had they bought them a long time ago. Yes someone out there's unloading Shoes shine stations on people. I just love how grandiose people love these things are so big They're like they're like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore. It is awesome. It is a really cool experience and it cleans your shoes but here's the reason, here's the sole reason why it's not common anymore. We're not wearing shiny shoes man. You can't just shine my shoes.

Like I know none of us in here have shoes that could go be polished right now. What's funny is if the shoe shine thing actually just offered to like clean my white Nikes. They needed to pivot. I'd be like kind of like cool. Like the guys in the mall? Yeah. Do they do that? Yeah.

Yeah. There's little places that do that. But if the shoe shine people, if the union, if they have such a thing, ever pivoted and just say hey. Well the union's dying off. We gotta stop shining and just start cleaning. It would be like the shoe clean. Mike, you're telling me you wouldn't,

oh, you got an hour to kill at the airport, hop up there and have some, have your Nikes looking fresh? Yeah, I might do it. All right, you're up. Oh, I am? Okay, what percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips?

Say it one more time, I'm sorry. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips? Say it one more time, I'm sorry. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips? Yeah, well, I'm one of them. I am gonna go, I am gonna go 30%. Okay, I have my answer locked in. Yeah, I might get a point here.

Yeah, we both are. Ah, lower. That's way too high. I'm thinking it's like a 3 locked in. Yeah, I might get a point here. Yeah, we both are. Lower. That's way too high. I'm thinking it's like a 3% number. Oh, really? The correct answer is 29%. Oh! What? Mike was 1% off.

You're telling me. I think I get a bonus point for the disgrace that I just faced. How in the world, which by the way, peeing in bottles is also ... Yeah, this is both genders.... somehow both genders. How are you telling me that that number is 29%? Because it's not just the driver. It's not the driver. I've been in like... No, I know it's not the driver, but our point is like, look, I've got a family. I've got two girls, three boys in the family.

The boys in my family have peed in bottles before. I've never experienced the other. And maybe that's common, but I feel like that cuts 50% out. So now you're actually, if that's true, and 50% cuts out, that means the majority of all people have peed in a bottle. Yeah, this is wild, man.

That's a wild one. Now, I still get a point though, right? No. Oh, yeah, we both do. We were lower. Oh, that's bullcrap, but it's over. I'm goose. That's bull crap Oh, you guys are taught you guys are tied. No, Mike just got three No, he said 20 he said he should have gotten two. Yeah, okay I should have got three was that you Falcon. No All right, I need a chance to change it to a three if you tie we rule this right? Yeah, it was Papa Josh. Alright, I need a chance. Josh, change it to a three. If you tie, we rule this, right?

Yeah, there's... You keep it. No, no, no, no. You go to overtime. Yes. Oh, okay, okay. Jason is the final question here. I gotta... Alright. What percentage of people, when brushing your teeth, keep the faucet running continuously until they are done. You tell Mike's disgusted by these people. Monsters. I used to be one of these people. But then you learned.

Yeah, I mean, it just, there's no point. Why? Why? There's no point. There's only one reason. What's the reason? If you wanna get the water hot for washing your face afterwards.

I can accept that, because that's your warming up the water. You're not just wasting water. My master, okay, I can accept that. Because you're warming up the water. Yeah, you're not just wasting water. My master, water, it takes a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can get that. Okay, what percentage of people, when brushing their teeth, keep the faucet running continuously?

I'm going to go with 30%. Okay, I'm gonna write mine down just to make sure there's integrity for the show. I have to do the opposite of Mike's. Can that be my official answer? No, it can't, because you have to guess first. That's why I wrote mine down. For the integrity of the show.

No, this is for Mike to have a chance to not go to overtime. I wrote it down. All right. I hope I guessed the opposite. 30. Lower. I went lower. Oh, I'm done.

I'm toast. Oh, that goose. Oh, I'm done What was the actual answer the correct answer is 33% I don't care all right, so I got you had I got more points I cross big time look at this guy. Yeah You don't have to wear it. Okay, so I'm the goose again. Jason's never been the goose no three times right love this game Yeah, you've been nailing it Although the peeing on the bottle, that's blowing my mind. All right. It's right where I thought it would be.

I just, that's shocking. Let's just take a straw poll in this room real quick. Doosers, raise your hand if you've peed in a bottle in the car. Yeah. Let's take another poll. OK, that was four. Raise your hand if you've peed.

Oh, I was five, so. Yeah, I mean, we all have the ability much easier here. Yeah, so I mean, by your your math if you're saying like okay Yeah, it's about 50 50 men women in this world and every man in this room. Just said we've done it. Yeah. No, he's right So that's just 60 percent 60 percent of men means 30 percent Is that right assuming a 50 50 split of gender? I think the math works out there. So if 60 percent of men Then that should be 30 percent. I think I think that's right. I think the math works out there. So if 60% of men, then that should be 30%. I think that's right. I think my math is right. Okay, sure. Whatever. Let's take a break and we'll be back with the draft.

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to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash ballers. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we'll take our best shot at figuring out things to do when a midlife crisis hits. This is gonna be tough to figure out. Yeah, a lot of creativity needed here Jason I mean

Coincidentally has the first pick in this draft things to do I think there's a and you were the first one to really Reach that breaking point Yeah, I mean there's a I feel like while there is no clear, perfect 101, there's a classic answer to this, like the marker of the midlife crisis. Unfortunately, you are correct. Is going out there and buying a sports car or whatever obnoxious vehicle. Yes, that's how I wrote it, is buy a sports car.

Yeah, I had it written differently and then it's like, no, it's always referred to as a sports car. We joke a lot that it's a Miata, but that's that is the joke. I make all the time It's always a Mazda Miata exactly the convertible is the more it's got to be the convertible Yeah, first still make a Miata. No, they can't yeah, they do Well, I think they do people can't fit in that thing Papa Josh, you know that we're too big I don't think they make them anymore He doesn't think they make them anymore

Pretty sure they make them but they were miniature and you the fact they were convertibles Just because your head couldn't fit in there with a convertible top down I love that the making a car like how many people should we be able to fit in this car to? Is there no backseat? Because I would love to see a human try to sit in a backseat of a Miata. I think they're two-seaters. They used to be at least. Okay. All right I'm gonna go with what I think the you know what I think happens a lot and sometimes it's major and sometimes it's just a little tweak. Oh no. But I'm gonna go with plastic surgery Yeah, they're plastic surgery that wasn't on my list. I just kind of cuz you haven't got it yet. I drew from my own

Put it on your list. Yeah, seriously put it on You have an on-camera job. Yeah, it's a to-do list on your list. You have an on-camera job. Yeah, it's a to-do list. OK, got it. I can run through all the stuff you should do. Yeah, afterwards, I'm going to pick up the free agents. No, I meant all the surgeries you should do.

Yeah, he was saying specifics. Yeah. Give me that list. It's a long list. After the show. Yeah. All right. Mike, you've got two picks.

All right. Sports car and plastic surgery have been taken. Yep. All right, so the first one, which I have seen many times as I was growing up, as the generation older than me reached into the middle, I saw a lot of them start to get tattoos. Yeah.

It's on my list. Yeah. It's on my to-do list. Of course. He comes in tomorrow looking so different. Yeah. Got the meat. And I have a different nose.

You can get a 24 Miata. Neck tattoo. But the aunts and uncles. They got the tattoos? The tattoos started to flow. What is the go-to tattoo for the midlife crisis? Is it like, is it supposed to be something like arty? Or is it like?

I mean, for. Is it young forever? For the aunts in my life, it was always something flowers. OK. All right. Just feels like you're being a kid again or something? I don't know. So they get the tattoos. And then we're going to say,

which one do I want to go with? We're going to go with Start Working Out. Yeah. Start Working Out. Take that. Oh, yeah. He doesn't need to write that one down. No, that's checked off the list.

OK. OK. That would have been my next pick. The Working out? The working out one. I'm gonna go with the next most, in my opinion, the most prototypical midlife crisis purchase that you can make, which I'm gonna go with buy a boat.

Oh yeah. I'm gonna go with buy a boat. I'm a boat guy now. Yeah. I've reached the middle of my life and it's time to be a boat guy. I'm a sailor Yeah, to do by a boat. Oh, you were saying you bought a boat No, I have not just everything we list. Yeah. All right. I'm up. You are Alright, well the first one I know it's gonna be the other side of Mike's working out

and it's it's to Become a health nut. Yeah, you know like yeah, you're you're I like that language though become a health nut Yeah, because I remember inching closer to death Yeah, it's like I remember all the the people when I was younger that they they'd just reach an age where they'd just. They'd buy a Nordic Trek. It's not the exercise, it's the diets, the nutrition. It's like, oh, now they're eating only non-GMO, organic blah, blah, blah, blah.

Now that's mean, man. I'm talking to my kids. And I'm like, this is how you know I'm going through a midlife crisis. These seed oils are very bad for you. So all right health nut health nut I like it I've got one more pick here and this one is not on the to-do list oh is dye your gray hair oh oh it's not on the list because it's already done. Because it's checked off, brother. Oh, yeah.

This beard is not natural. What do you do? I mean, it's mostly. I got a couple spots of gray that come through. What do you do if I have a friend who's just been dying their beard since I've known them? Uh-huh. It wasn't midlife.

It was young adult. Then that means that's how their beard grows. That's what it means to me like if they've been doing that since they were a young man That's just what their beard is and they should keep it up until they're 90. I'm sure they'll fool everyone All right, this next one this next one is not prescriptive but it is Associated with a midlife crisis. So I'm gonna pick it and that's getting a new spouse yeah I mean that is yeah that's the unfortunately generic you trade up in for another model yeah start dating someone way too young for you swap out the car swap out the girl. Yeah, it was midlife

You're sorry. You're I don't think you're wrong. I'm sorry. So my final two here I'm gonna go I'm gonna say Start to travel more. Oh Yeah, that's on the list. You wanna go and see what the world has to offer out there. While you can. Yeah, well, and you're also at the point where you're like,

okay, I'm older, I have some money, maybe I have some time off, that I can actually go and do it. See, I have one on my list that now is very, but it's specifically solo trips, like a solo camping or backpacking trip. It's like, because it's your midlife friends. No, like find yourself on the trail?

Exactly, exactly. Like I need to get out into nature by myself. Do the Pacific Coast. But I mean, speaking of free time, for my last one I will say quit their job. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Say screw this noise.

I've wasted my whole life working here. Yeah, go get go find your dream job Yeah, and With that but Standalone pick okay, it works go back to school Go back to school and do it all over again. What's up fellow? So I'll go with that for my final bit. Can you imagine going back, going to college right now, an in-person college.

You go to ASU, and you're surrounded by kids who are 20 to 22 years old. And you're rolling up in there with your dyed beard. Yeah. So pulling up in your me. I don't know. So I think here's the truth. I think I would be extremely uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, you would. And I think it would love it. Oh, I think I think it would be like a like when they come up and they're like, yo, grants, what are we doing? The young people give you energy. Yeah, exactly exactly I think I would feel young again going leaving at seven o'clock at night

Which from the party or would you just feel really old? I think no, I don't think I would I don't I think I would feel Uncomfortable, but I think I would love it. I think it would make me feel young again. Well, give it a go right or down You've got a final pick here. So far, I'll just run it back while Jason figures his last one out. Mike has get tattoos, start working out, start to travel more, and quit your job. I've got plastic surgery, buy a boat,

get a new spouse, and go back to school. And Jason has buy a sports car, become a health nut. Die them greysays and get a therapist nothing like a good midlife crisis to hey if you need a therapist get a therapist yeah but you're gonna need one when you turn 40 when you when you is it's well midlife it could be 40 it could be 41 whenever for you yeah it could could be any of say yeah examine those childhood traumas man It's time to work through being old you know only I mean literally everything on my entire list got checked off by you guys in your picks except for one which was just

Become nostalgic. I mean I don't even know if that's a midlife crisis thing. had a change your wardrobe oh yeah yeah my story turn those L's into yeah I was gonna have those graphic tees well yes I meant like showing up younger man's clothes yeah start a new hobby yeah for sure I knew sport like pickleball yeah I have go skydiving. Yeah, something to make you feel alive. Bungee jumping. I need to feel alive. Become a golfer, which is that might be the hobby. Or my final one was, well, no, I got two. Start becoming a conspiracy theorist.

Oh! That's about the point in your life where you could start buying in all these theories. And then the only other one. Have you checked that box yet? No, I haven't checked that box yet, but the box I have checked. But I'm here to good things. Is build a chicken coop and buy a baker's dozen baby chicks for farm fresh eggs, baby.

Yeah, I don't know who would do that. No. What did we learn today? What did I learn today? I learned that I'm a great guesser of public opinion. Yeah, I learned I'm the goose again and I've taken notes on this midlife crisis thing. I need to check them off. I learned that people do race on zebras. They've done it! For a very short while. They've done it!

Well, to be fair, when they ride bulls, it's for a very short while as well. Fair. That'll do it for today's episode. Back next week. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballersPod.com.