Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 3: Roundhouse Farts and Scary Movies - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

Comedy for the entire family this week as Andy, Mike, and Jason discuss what movies terrified them as children. They also help a woman figure out how to deal with her handsome pokemon loving boyfriend. Finally, they also introduce a brand new segment, "That's a great question." In the end, the only thing everyone will remember is the roundhouse fart heard round the world.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in! Yet another episode! So happy to be here! Why are we talking up here? Look how high our voices are!

That's the range of excitement! Aren't you happy to be back, Mike? I am thrilled, I am very thrilled that there is no video on the dance moves I was letting loose during that intro. The beauty of podcasting, you can't see us, and anybody can do one. My eyes are closed. If you want to imagine it, just imagine pop locking done by the most dadly of dancers. Oh, the most dadly. Dadly needs to become a part of our vocabulary, no doubt about it.

This is the dadliest of all shows. Wait, potlocking? Pop and lock. Not a pot, Jason. Not a potlock. I was like, what is this? I've not heard of this dance. Not a potlock.

I know you wish we were at the potlock and the desserts were flowing. Free flowing. No, potlocking. As performed by the 80s B-boys. Oh, I'm thinking potluck and drop it. Sure. Sure. Yeah, that too. Welcome in to another episode of the Spitballers, your weekly dose of nonsense.

It's always hard for me to determine whether this is just nonsense or life-altering advice what if it's life-altering nonsense it probably is that it's probably that i think you just nailed it thanks right like we we talk nonsense here but it changes people it changes their their days eyes are still closed, and I cannot take it. Or are they? You can't see. I mean, you two can. I feel like you literally can't see.

Not with my eyes closed. I feel like we are dealing with a man who is, I mean, he has left this building. He is among the astral plane, just grasping at straws, hoping that he has something excellent to say. Anybody's eyes should be closed. It should be me because Jason ditched our workout this morning. You coward. Well, I went out and got ripped. Rebuttal.

In fairness, I was sleeping. Yeah, in fairness. In my defense, I was tired. Yeah, well, it's going to cost you on Tuesday. That's what the trainer told Well, it's going to cost you on Tuesday. That's what the trainer told me. It's going to cost you on Tuesday. Oh, did he really? He really did.

Of course he did. Today's episode of the show, we have Would You Rather. We have some life advice, and we have a segment. I don't think we've done it before called That's a Great Question. I'm looking forward to it. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. The website is SpitballersPod. us on twitter at spitballers pod the website is spitballerspod.com instagram at spitballers pod if you put spitballers pod into any device that

you want chances are that we will show up that's right that's right what else is going on a reminder these shows come out each and every monday monday making you can look forward to it. Yeah. Monday, Monday. Is that a song you wrote, Mike? What? No, that's a song that the mamas and the papas wrote, and it's very well known. It's pretty darn well known. This is like, I'm pretty sure it's been a classic for a long time. Yes.

You have not heard of that? I didn't recognize it in the moment i'm usually the guy that when it comes to music references or bands i'm sorry i'm shocked that you knew it who are the beatles i was too focused on um asking our fine listeners pronounced beetles to i don't even know that head over to to Apple Podcasts and leave us a review. Subscribe. Yes, please do. Enjoy the show.

We always love feedback. You can give that to us on the website. Submit your questions at spitballerspod.com. What a beautiful website it is as well. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, Andy. Well, elegance is the word that comes to mind.

Right. Very much. This is an elegant show. Speaking of which. So elegant. to mind right very much this is an elegant show speaking of which so elegant would you rather all right this week's would you rather question uh another highly debated very important one um would you rather announce so you have to announce to the world every time that you farted, or have all your burps smell like farts? Oh, wow.

We are just opening the gates to just refinement. Elegance. So elegant. Here's the thing. One might say that you do announce every time you fart. I get away with a lot of farts. You can ninja fart. I will say my children definitely announce every time that they have passed the gas.

They want their father's stamp of approval. I don't know if it's they want approval. They really want everyone to know. Deep down inside, they feel the need that people should know there's breaking news. Their breaking wind is, in fact, breaking news. Do they do the updates as well? Like, I farted two times, three times.

That's what mine do. I have an actual problem. If I notice that someone in my family has passed gas, I am repulsed, and then I say, who farted? And they get embarrassed. You shame. They get embarrassed because they think that they should be able to get away with it in a car or in any place they are. I lock the windows.

Because it's you. You are the culprit. Yeah, Andy won't let me ride in his car anymore uh last time jason for the record jason jason passes at least 10 times more gas than either of us yes that's and by by then either of us you mean then the rest of the world? I have seen him karate fart multiple times, like where he knows. I don't know how you know the timing so perfectly, where you can do a roundhouse kick and pass gas at the perfect moment

where you would be striking someone in the face with the foot. It's training. It's years of training my body and mind. I'm imagining junior high year old Jason Moore. In his room, he has shut and locked the door. No, you got it. You got to move the dresser over to the side. You got to clear the books and things.

Lay down the yoga mat. And he is just... One, he's got to practice his roundhouse kicks. Because the form is actually pretty decent and a ton of greek yogurt just shoveling in greek yogurt five oikos and then he just goes to town like it's the scene of napoleon dynamite where they peek in and he's just so sweaty and dancing but his parents were buying piles of a&W root beer stock at the time. Yeah, I mean, that's how I got to the place that I'm at today.

But I want people to understand, when we were picking out our studio, we were standing in a warehouse and looking over the various renovations that needed to take place for the podcast studio. And without announcement, I guess to your credit, without announcement, he stepped forward. Ninja does not announce his attack.

He stepped forward, positioned himself, roundhouse kick farted, then returned to the conversation with no comment. It was a thing a person does at any moment. Here's the thing that's great about not having shame. I am fine with you releasing this video, which we have from our security footage, to the world. You are okay with that. I am totally okay with this. I have no shame.

I think it was pretty impressive. I think that people will say it was that's a man they'll watch this video and they'll say you know how that's what masculinity is this is america you know how like serial killers the one thing that defines them with the psychosis is that they don't have like empathy or awareness of those around them i feel like you are the serial killer equivalent when it comes to shame and gas hey they call it silent but deadly they do okay we have we have completely there was a question here right um announce every time you farted so i'm imagining you are you're literally you're basically formal yeah this is a proclamation i farted

Yeah, this is a proclamation. I farted. Yeah. No getting away with it. Twice. Or your burps. Three times I have farted. Hold on. Do you get an actual horn sound effect?

I hope you get a jester that runs out and blows the horn for you. Is it the jester that dies? It's the trumpeter. That's right. That's the official name. I remember that. Or do you want all your burps to smell like farts? I'm picking that. What? Oh, definitely.

You're definitely picking that? I need a ground rule laid down on the belching because sometimes you feel one coming and you do your best to hold it back you know that oh excuse me yeah you pull that whole polite move but there's still some air that has seeped out of your throat there's a fart in your mouth if you do that okay that's the rule the rule is you get that little snake in my boots fart in my mouth that's what just happened so every time you burp you're you're fart in my mouth. That's what just happened.

So every time you burp, you're farting out your mouth. So you're incentivized at that point. Get it out. Get it out of your mouth. Right. Blow it away. And that's what I'm picking. I am picking every time I burp, I want it to smell like a burp.

We will not be friends anymore. No, we will be friends. Oh, because you can't burp. I can't burp. No, no, no, no, no, no because you can't burp i can't burp i literally cannot burp your throat burps which are on record on the fantasy footballers podcast those count that's air seeping out you've got a fart in your throat so basically we just have sewage in our yes there's no way you can take mike are you are you announcing yeah Yeah, you have to. This is a lesser of two evils situation where you have to announce.

You cannot. Look, we've all had the post-launch sewer belch where you're talking to someone. Not me. And it's from the depths of below, and the other person gets a whiff, and it's bad. Mordor. Oh, man. I remember we were playing foosball the other day, Mike. Yes.

And you belched from your toes. I mean, from the depths below, it rose low, grumbling all the way out. Yes. There was an earth. Are you farting over there? No, I was just setting the table for you. over there no i was just setting the table for you but and the thing about that is though those those underground geysers that come up they don't happen all the time but if every single burp just reeked i mean i'm announcing i'm taking the shame of that because i don't want to be

fart burping in someone's face. Yeah, I feel like it's cheating because I genuinely pretty much, I probably announce half of my farts at least already. So I'm well versed. Keep the chickpeas away from Jason. That's all I can say. Would you rather have mind control that only works on children under five years old or x-ray vision, but you can never turn it off. Right? X-ray vision is one of those mysterious superpowers that seems so great,

and yet it's always portrayed in movies and television as something that you can control very finitely, very controlled. You can see through one layer of the wall. Nobody's ever looking at the organs i was gonna say that i need a definition here of x-ray vision because yes the the the dream of you're on the back of the comic book and you can order some x-ray goggles because t he he prepubescent boy is gonna he's to have himself a time, a shameful time. But x-rays look at your bones.

So am I looking at just skeletons walking around? I feel like you have to make it something beneficial. Yes, it's got to be for this question. Otherwise, it's like, what's the point? You're really good at determining fractures. You go work at a hospital. They just bring you in the room and it's like, yeah, it's broken. You can tell if vaults are empty or not empty, but it doesn't help you get in.

It just, yep, there's something in there. Right. Move along with your life. What would make it beneficial then? What is beneficial x-ray vision? Look, if we're talking about like like security if we're talking about a employee that would be x-ray vision that you really want to have it's what you're describing mike where you could control the level of depth you can say i see through one layer two two layers, four layers, 100 layers. But for this question, you can't ever see through zero layers.

I think. Which just basically means the entire world is naked. I've had three children. If I could read their minds when they were younger than five years old, it might have been easier. It might have been nice to know when the newborn and the infant and the baby were, oh, they're hungry. Oh, they just want this.

Oh, they just want that. So much more sleep. So much more sleep. Go to sleep. And then they do? When you say that you've got mind control and you can just tell them to go to sleep and they obey? That's insanity.

Yeah, but you're going to have a rude awakening because the six-year-old does not listen. I think the x-ray vision, the only place where I can think of for me personally is where it would be useful is you talk about wall hacks when you're playing online video games. It's the worst. If you had wall hacks in real life to go play professional paintball?

Professional paintball. I thought you were going to go military. I'm talking for me. I am not in the military. It would be great for the military. Yeah, but you don't want to go. You would not sacrifice yourself with the power. It won't take him.

And I got asthma. He can't even get over that wall. Man, I went to, there was a few years ago, I don't know if you guys remember this, but the Army actually released a video game that they were using, I think, as a recruitment tool and things like that. But you had to go get it from the recruitment centers. Oh, really? Sneaky. So it's in the mall, and I and i'm like oh i want to play this game i hear some people talking about it i go in like hey

you guys got a disc and the guy says uh they didn't have any unfortunately but then of course he launches into recruitment pitch because i am of age that they would be very interested in me and I hit him with, uh-uh. But I got the asthma and then he's like, you got one of those inhalers on you? And I'm like, oh no. Oh, they're letting you in with the inhaler now? No. No, because he wanted proof

that I had. He was calling me out. He thought I was bluffing. He thought I was a draft dodger. But I had the bright yellow inhaler in my pocket the first time it has ever helped me in a social situation. Are you telling me that you could get out of the draft by having an inhaler? Back in the 70s? Yeah. They ain't lugging your wheezing body behind.

Then why did anybody go to Canada? Just get an inhaler just live your life here just get an inhaler just catch the asthma i was like mikey from the goonies man i'm i'm just puffing on this thing all day i was the i was the epitome of allergy asthma dork so we're all yeah we remember from the previous episodes of this show where your nickname was Nasal Spray. Yeah, Nasal Spray. Thank you.

All right. Let's dish out some advice. All right. All right, this one comes in. To the rescue. Mike lost it. That is so rude. How do you interrupt the announcer

I'm sorry I'm used to the fantasy footballers Where we have a little music at the end And I started talking over it But it wasn't the end it was the beginning music I was so excited about Damon Dogwalker From Twitter who sent this question in Mike almost had a spit take

Yes My wife has had to cancel And reorder three bank cards this year due to misplacing them how do i remedy her forgetfulness i feel like this question has to be directed to none other than jason moore who is the resident forgetful man on this show. If you have something you need to be cared for, make sure that you do not lose it. You 100% don't give it to Jason because you will be lost. That's fair.

That's very fair. I thought you were going to actually try and defend yourself. No, I would try to defend myself, except I lose all of the things. You have lost your defense. Yes, my defense has gone. So you can go practical. You can go impractical, which is also very helpful. So my keys, for instance, practical.

I got one of those tiles. I think that's the name of the company where you attach a floor tile yes and i could find it from anywhere i just can't fit it in my pocket anymore it's a 16 inch travertine it's travertine floor tile in your pocket no you've got this like thing where you can pull out your phone and find it wherever. You can't do that with a card. No, you can't. Well, yeah, you can't do that. This is simple.

You chain it to her. So you're going like, but you can't chain. Around her wrist. So she's got to go with the waiter to run the car. It's not going to work. No, it's a long chain. Yeah. You know the retractable. Dollar bill with the. Oh, the guy with the car. That's not going to work. No, it's a long chain. Yeah. You know the retractable dollar bill with the-

Oh, the guy with the keys? The key. You got the keys on your waist. I don't know what it's called, but you pull on it, and it's got a nice nylon cord. Just get it. But it's like a 50-foot nylon cord. Like the dog walker. Yeah.

What? The dog walker. They have the retractable dog walking cords. Wait, and this question comes in from Damon Dog Walker? Well, there you go, Damon. He's got the sources. Yeah, why are you asking us for advice that is so easy? Three bank cards in one year from misplacing them.

That's rough. That's a hassle. How does that happen? Do you leave? Now, I shouldn't say that. I've left cards at restaurants frequently where you basically, I've paid and then just got up and never waited for them to bring it back. You've got to punish the wallet here. You have to say like, okay, you lost your card.

That's fine. You get a new one in one month. You have no money for one month. You delay it. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I would teach my children. But my wife? Yeah. Good yeah good luck oh you ran out of gas too bad i like a mr high and mighty thinks that that would work on his wife yeah you say oh

okay i'm taking your card for two months honest to goodness she lost you are you just nailed you you just you just hit the nail on the head thank you is is uh a better way to phrase that because we are immature my wife lost her her card for like a month and we didn't reorder because she's like no i know it's around here and so she took mine because she needed money. And so I was without a bank card for ever. Did she lose your card? No. No, eventually I stole it back from her and then canceled the card and ordered a new one.

So that approach will not work. I've tried and failed. You got your iPhone. Maybe. You can pay with your phone nowadays, right? Some places. Apple Pay. Androids can pay. Then you're just going to lose your phone nowadays, right? Some places. Apple Pay. Androids can pay.

Then you're just going to lose your phone. Nah, he didn't say that there's a phone loss problem. I like this question. This one comes in. My boyfriend is super into Pokemon. Oh. But I think it's super stupid and could care less about his ridiculous Pokemon addiction. Or sorry, Pikachu addiction.

Are you going with Pikachu in this question I already know that you know nothing about Pokemon do I play along with him because I love him or tell him to Pikachu's someone else dropping a pun in here this is from uh from Twitter, this is Yahoo. This is Yahoo. Oh, okay. What's the advice here? Because everybody, you know, we all have maybe, I grew up with embarrassing things that I really, I feel like I played with toys three years too long. Bro, we have. And I had like one friend who still wanted to play,

and that was the one that I played with. We have our own issues later on life that were far more embarrassing as a world of warcraft brother oh brethren who lost years of your life to an online video game i think that'd be worse than playing with toys later that's a similar question i did my brother-in-law he lost two years of his life to ever quest and it was a we've all done it's a tenuous thing though with the girlfriend she's like when do i just leave and he won't notice i'm gone yeah i think what this comes down to is how handsome is he right i mean let's get let's be really helpful. Yeah, you don't get away with this if you're ugly.

If you're ugly, she gone. You know, look, there's only so many strikes. If you're ugly, you best be rich. You best be loaded. She's gone. So I would look at him. He's not rich because he's got to catch them all. He has no time

to make money he's okay fair so then uh i i really really hope he's handsome if he's not because this isn't a marriage right she's like should i leave him right if this is a marriage i would i would recommend get over it uh you get over your your pokemon problem we have wives that don't play fantasy football and we do and yeah but we have it for a job yeah yeah but we didn't always if he was that's the thing oh we just figured it out because we figured out how to uh our over addiction to fantasy football we figured out how to spin that into a positive and i gotta work today honey we turned it into work so manner. I got to work today, honey. We turned it into work. So this guy simply has to get a job as a Pokemon collector. That's a tough job to nail down. That is the solution,

because then he can bring something redeeming to the relationship with this addiction. I think she's embarrassed. I caught $500 today. I hope that she uses this pun when she says goodbye. As in, I don't peek. It's time for you to peek-a-choo someone else. Okay, I got you.

Now, you can catch them all, but you can't catch me. Is there a world where maybe she just tries out Pokemon? Evolves? Maybe this is a you problem, ma'am. Maybe you need to get more involved in the things of your handsome boyfriend's life. Because obviously, if you're asking this question, I've determined he is handsome.

Because she's asking the question. So, look, I'm pretty sure a lot of people out there like pokemon pokemon go was like has there anybody that started like engaging with pokemon that didn't actually like it has anybody been like guilty oh really oh you didn't like it yeah i i tried it and i did not like it i didn't like the video games. You built an entire game for Facebook. This is blowing my mind right now. Jason used to run a company that built Facebook games

and built a Pokemon game. I followed you. I thought you were leading a passion project and now I find out you were just driven by dollars. Guilty as charged, my man. Pokemon was so huge and everybody loved it i was like this is gonna work i gotta cash in i gotta cash in see i you can make a job out of this

handsome boyfriend that's true we did make a uh a monster collection oh my goodness um any final advice there gentlemen don't just leave him. Just let him go. You're not married. Find someone that... See, that's where the pun has to come in. You have to work it out on your own. I'm not going to solve this problem for you, but you do release Pokemon into the wild.

So you must let the boyfriend know you are releasing him into the wild with Jigglypuff and Blastoise. And Squirtle. And learn some more Pokemon besides Pikachu. Everyone knows who Pikachu is. Okay. All right.

You guys want to jump into a new segment? Jigglypuff. Yes. That's a great question. That was a pretty good drop there mike i hadn't heard that one before uh let's start a great drop oh yeah now the people know i do all the announcing question number one what part of a kid's movie completely scarred you. Okay? Yeah. I was just talking to Mike the other day how, you know,

when we grew up, there was no Apple TV or Chromecast or you couldn't, you know, rent a movie with a click of a button. It was blockbuster. It was blockbuster. And even then, you're a child, so you don't have the money to go and rent. And it's not as easy to just say, hey, Dad, can I rent something? So my entire collection was whatever my parents bought on VHS and had in two drawers. Those are the movies I watched over and over and over again.

So is there some movie that you saw, some scene that comes to mind that just scarred you as a kid? I mean, there's dozens because back in our day growing up, for whatever reason, when they're making these kids movies, one, they felt like we got to get the parents there, so let's make sure there's a couple good curse words in this cartoon. Right. As I go back and I'm trying to watch these kids movies with my children, I'm like, what? How are they letting this go?

But two, they would also put in things that were just way too scary. kids movies with with my children i'm like what how did they how are they letting this go but two they would also put in things that were just way too scary way too scary what were you doing and the one i wanted to bring up there is a moment it's it's from a pleasant child's book from roald dahl my favorite author growing up i read everything he wrote but he wrote a book called the witches now they turned this into a feature-length film horror film they turned it into a feature-length children's horror film if you're not familiar with the witch which i am not so the the backstory is but i am going to google it the backstory is simply that witches are in fact real and there is a boy at a i believe he's at a hotel of some kind and there is a convention where all the witches have gathered now witches do not appear publicly forward-facing to be witches they wear masks and special boots and they, they cover it. So they look like regular human beings,

but Andy, Andy Googling and Googled surely the scene I am referring to and has pushed back completely away from the microphone. There is a, this is terrible. Once they, once they are in their room, they are comfortable in the head,

which removes her mask, revealing this Jim Henson, dark crystal nightmare of a face. Half Freddy Krueger. Yeah, it's unbelievable. But for children. This is a children's movie, and this moment has stuck with me through my entire adult life of trying to figure out how do i avoid my children being annihilated i remember discard to the bone this this movie was showed at my school when we finished reading the book the movie no like in the classroom lights off and every kid's just trying not to pee himself. This movie was terrifying.

And honestly, I forgot about this movie. I've deleted it from my memory. Because it's a nightmare. Oh, it is just wicked. For me, the childhood movie that scarred me is really dumb. Because it wasn't scary, but it was E.T. Okay, you're going to have to explain this one. No, I bet you I know. Because it wasn't scary, but it was E.T. So it's not like a... Okay, you're going to have to explain this one.

No, I bet you I know. What part? It was when all the humans are wearing the white suits and running around like, you know. Oh, they got the radiation suits on? Yeah. It wasn't them that scared me. Okay. It was...

But it's basically during that time time towards the end of the movie, and the camera's kind of panning over. They're looking for E.T., and the camera's panning over, and he's kind of half dead in the canal or something. I don't remember. Right. But what happened as a kid was I didn't see him. He blended in. he was camouflage I didn't

see what what was just the normal like the center of the picture was et and I didn't know what and then all of a sudden bam there he is in my mind I saw like I hadn't seen him and it was like I was it was the equivalent of like having a spider on you and looking right at it but not seeing it. And then all of a sudden he's there. It just freaked me out. So it was a where's Waldo moment for you. Yes. Except it was a where's Waldo of horror.

Exactly. Exactly right. This is a ridiculous story. Yeah. So he was on the screen. You didn't see him. But then your eyes were able to focus and find him. He was like white and chalky.

Oh, yeah, big time. I would see him everywhere from that point on in my childhood. Was it his state of health that scared you? Oh, okay. I thought it was just the fact that he all of a sudden you saw him no that's why i thought it was ridiculous into a store and see they were pretty intense on children yeah in the 90s i mean even what labyrinth had its world of creepiness that's why i brought up jim henson bambi was hard on the emotions for young children what What happened to Bambi's mom? I remember Land Before Time.

Oh. When Land Before Time and the parents are killed in that. Yes. Spoiler alert. Spoiler. Everyone's going to rent the popular hit movie, Land Before Time. There's about 25 of them now. Wizard of Oz was creepy. Those freaking monkeys.

Did you see the sequel? Return to Oz? Yes. Was that monkeys. Did you see the sequel? Return to Oz? Yes. Was that creepy too? That is a, oh my. Yeah, Return to Oz. That was strongly in consideration for me. Return to Oz, whatever it's called, is a complete nightmare and a disaster upon any sleep you

think you're going to get as a child. I can tell you my official scarred as a child moment, and it was 100% Indiana Jones and the Secret of Doom. Oh, Secret of Doom? And the Temple of Doom. Yep. When he pulled the heart out of the chest, spoiler alert, it was jarring. It was 10 to 20 days in a row of nightmares from that.

I liked that part. 10 to 20 days in a row of nightmares from that. I liked that part. You liked the part where he ripped a heart out of another. How old were you? I mean, must have been around nine or so when I finally saw it. All right. Here's another great question.

If animals could talk, which would be the rudest animal? So is this based on appearance? Is this booked by its cover? This is whatever you want it to be. And I have a few animals that pop up instantly for me. Yeah, I mean, there's... Rude animals? There's only one animal I feel like is the right answer, except truly I'm not confident it applies because i'm intrigued i am fully convinced right now that cats can talk they can't they just they're so above you and they're so rude not

that they choose i'm not gonna talk to that idiot cats are the rudest of all animals i don't understand how people love their cats. I mean, people have cats, and they're like, Oh, I love the cat. The cat don't love you. This is true. The cat doesn't know you. The cat doesn't like you.

I don't want to be divisive. You can't call that cat over there. But I hate cats. My question for cats, if they could talk, would they even talk to you? They would just stare at you. Exactly. That's why I'm saying.

They would just grunt disapprovingly. Yeah. Like everything you say, they would just dismiss. They'd just go and walk away. That's so rude. I'm going to start doing that around the office. You ask me a question or you say something, I'm just going to go, eh, and leave.

My answer here, and I was a little confused myself when I read through the question, and this was the first animal that jumped out to me. So apparently there is something deep inside my psyche that believes that these are rude animals. That is a giraffe. You think they're rude? Really? They just look at what they are.

They are literally above the fray. Yeah, that's what I mean. With their really long necks, walking around like they're- Oh, they're arrogant? They're high and mighty. I am so tall. I am a giraffe. La-di-da-di-da.

Feed me at the zoo. And not only can I see for miles and miles and miles, but I can use my gigantic neck as a weapon. Really? Have you never seen giraffes fight? They use it as a weapon? Only against other giraffes. Yeah, but they fight with their necks. With their neck?

They swat each other with their necks? You have never seen it? No. Oh, man. When this show is done, maybe even right now, just Google a giraffe fight. Giraffes don't seem real. Yeah. The way they look.

Yeah. And they're proud of it. So that makes them rude. Yeah. I just imagine they would. I mean, they're literally talking down to everyone. So why would they not just have that kind of attitude? I mean, they are.

They're like. Oh, man. Brachiosaurus is on stilts. I mean. So they're actually using their head. Yeah, but I mean, the neck is the mechanic. Wow. They can whip the.

It's basically the Indiana Jones whip with a head at the end. Orangutans look like a-holes. Totally. Right? Yes. What? I love orangutans. They look like an animal that many of them look like you had just hit them in the face

with an iron skillet, and they're mad about it. Wait, you're telling me an iron skillet to your face would not make you upset i'm i think the way that they look if they could talk they would first look in a mirror oh sorry i i've done it i've done the i i have accomplished something i didn't think was possible i spelled something so poorly that Google does not know how to correct me. Would you try and spell orangutan? Oh, I have no idea how to spell orangutan. Okay, well, number one, there's no G at the end.

I'll give you that hint. Okay, because it's bad the way I spelled it. Please spell it for the listeners. Okay. I'm going to write this. You're welcome that I have no shame. Yeah, I'm writing this down too. I bet it starts with an A.

Just as I was going along, I'm like sounding it out, and it gets worse. There's no way it doesn't start with an A just as i was going along i'm like sounding it out and it gets worse there's no way he doesn't start with an a no it's o okay o r e o ring n g a ring so this is a o ring and then i'm like okay it keep going okay o ring it tang just let's get some Keep going. Okay, orangutan. Let's get some tang out there. So it's T-A-N-G. Orangutan. Orangutan. What's the auto- How do you actually spell it?

It's like- O-R-A-N-G-U-T-A-N. Google asked if I meant orangutan. Did you mean orangey tangs? Look, in Google's defense, I completely see what they're talking about. It looks like you tried to spell orange tang. Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh.

Looks like you wanted to be. I would never have spelled that right. Orangutan. So, I think the first thing an orangutan would do, if it could see itself in the mirror, would ask for, and it could speak would ask for a comb for a comb i needed some kind of grooming situation because it looks like i i put my big toe in a light socket and every hair on my body is just standing at full attention yeah i think part of it is old people, they get rude sometimes.

They have old people here. But I think that's why orangutans look like they'd be rude. It's just like grumpy, you know, the grumpy old man. That's an orangutan. I don't even do my hair anymore. Why do some of them have like a saucer face and some of them look normal? Is that male, female? Define saucer face.

Oh, it's like you've got a plate. Here, let me define it for you by showing you a picture of a saucer face. Oh, okay, so the outside. The outside looks. I believe you are correct. That would be a male-female type of a thing. Well, why don't you Google. Because a lady orangutan, what they're really looking for.

Mrs. Orangutan. I'm looking for the widest face that I can find. That does it for me. That gets the body revved up. You see how wide that guy's face is? I could fit an entire meal on that man's face. I could eat off that face. That's a nice plate face.

That's a beautiful plate face. Come here. I need to lick your face. All right. Here's a great question. What is something that everyone looks stupid face. All right. Here's a great question. What is something that everyone looks stupid doing? All right.

And I have a new answer for that. And the answer is physical therapy. Oh, yeah. I went to physical therapy. And this begs a whole pile of new questions. It's from social norms to hidden cameras, ideas I have. But when a doctor tells you to do something oh you gotta do it you pretty much do it i mean you can be trolled by doctors to no end if they wanted to because i was at physical therapy and i had some

lower back problems and so they're doing various stretching and they're doing all sorts of stretches and then they get you up on your feet and then they walk you over to a wall and they want you to do a new stretch. Oh, yes. And this is not an empty building. All right? This is a jam-packed physical therapy office.

Open floor plan. Thank you. Okay? You are not in a room. You're not in an isolated room. No. But what you're going to do here, Mike, is you're going to go over to the doorway.

Is there a curtain or anything? No, no, no, no. No curtain. This is the honest truth. This is on you, man. This is on you, bro. No, this is where we train. I know exactly the picture.

There's 15, 20 people in the room. At least. And you get to walk over to the restroom, and you get to hold the side of the door frame, and then you get to basically imagine standing exactly face-to-face with a wall. Okay. And then just move your pelvis. Oh, just pelvis? Just hump it.

Just get the wall. Gyrations. 20 reps. Then switch sides and do it again. And you are out. I mean, and you're just kind of h you're just kind of humping the wall. You got to do it. The doctor said to do it.

And the doctor says, yeah. And then, you know. Are they commenting on your form? He's kind of like, this is a little awkward for some people. You think? And I'm like, yeah. I can't imagine why.

It's from the humping, isn't it? And then he's basically like, don't worry. 60, 70% of our patients do this same exercise. For your enjoyment? That's how you were made. Yeah. It was a weird one.

Physical therapy is my answer is what I'm saying. And I had to tell these guys about it when I got back in because it was so damaging to my psyche. Everyone looks stupid humping a wall. And can you say no to a doctor? I think you can. I think that's an important life advice thing to learn is you can say no to a doctor. No, thank you. Yeah, it's called the second opinion.

Wait, you don't want to. I wrote you a prescription to hump the wall. You don't want to hump the wall? Let me ask you this. Was it because the wall didn't have a big enough plate face? Is that why you were not enjoying this exercise? You give me a fresh coat of paint, okay? Maybe a little semi-gloss.

Saucer face. This is matte. Get out of here. Matte finish. No, give me no matte finish, old paint. Give me a fresh coat. There's so many things that people look really stupid doing. You know, like

throwing with your offhand. I mean, everyone looks... You could be Tom Brady, and it's like, hey, chuck this baseball over there with your left, and he would look like he's never thrown a ball. A baby, a child. Yeah, you just look so stupid. But the one that really comes to mind, because I'm thinking like,

okay, for me, what do I feel the most awkward doing? And I'm pretty confident if I watched other people do this, they would look as stupid as I look. And we've all done it. We've all been there. We've all looked to the left or looked to the right and gone oh no i'm out of toilet paper but there's some in the room and it's over in the far cabinet i'm following and you gotta do you gotta do the waddle the squat walk you gotta go oh no oh no oh no it's over there this is this is bad i see it it's up on the counter, and I can't reach it. I got to go.

The thing about the squat walk is you know you must maintain the same shape as you sitting on the toilet, because if you raise up, you are creating a mess that you do not want to do sir isaac newton comes to bear on that situation mike do you have one that comes to mind i enjoy watching people walk into locked doors and try to exit buildings and do those type of things that's entertaining to me and very awkward the we we recently had a a gathering of a party and I thought of it when I read this question because I was the first to jump into the machine. Jason has a very very plush set up for an Oculus Rift which is a virtual reality headset. If you are not familiar with it if you have never used one you one you're missing out because it is absolutely

it's insane how realistic this feels you are transported to a world that you're you're immersed in 360 degrees there's stuff above you stuff behind you and what you don't realize then is you are a man in a ridiculous oversized mask in the middle of of someone's room flailing flailing my arms as i try to cast fireballs and shoot a bow and arrow an imaginary bow and arrow at a dragon so i am i no one can not vanquished no one can look cool doing that you look, you just look like a horse's butt. What's more embarrassing, dating someone who does that frequently or the Pokemon guy? Ooh. Or is there a virtual reality Pokemon that can just put this over the top?

There probably will be. It's coming soon. Only Jon Hamm can do that. Right. You got to be super handsome. Only Jon Hamm can do that. Right. You got to be super handsome. Only Jon Hamm can do Pokemon VR. Or she's gone. Or she is out the door.

And I don't even blame her. It's like, yeah, that makes sense. Have you seen VR? You look ridiculous. You look like an idiot. That's why I have the decency to have a room where I can close and lock the door so I'm a VR in private. Yeah.

I'm like Jason. That's protection because my wife likes when I can't see anything and then comes up and just gives me a little woo-hoo. You know, she'll poke me any which way. She's really a bully. She bullies me pretty big. Right in the biscuits. Right.

She'll go tummy. She'll go ribs. She'll go biscuits. She'll go biscuits. She'll go tummy she'll go ribs she'll go biscuits she'll go biscuits she'll go gravy she'll go dumbledore yeah so uh it's it's dangerous playing vr at my house while the wife but you always look stupid yeah and that's the important that's why instagram was invented exactly so roundhouse fart kicks is how we started. Now you can go to... A punch in the biscuits is how we ended. Twitter.com slash spitballerspod to see the roundhouse fart.

Oh, man. Is this really going up? I got no problem with that. All right. I love it. I mean, the video is really infamous around our office. I'm fine with it. It's not me.

I'll allow it. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for listening. Subscribe, review. We'm fine with it. It's not me. I'll allow it. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for listening. Subscribe, review. We appreciate you. Goodbye. See you next week. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. dot com