Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 301: Crying Over Dinner & Audio to Replace Your Car Horn - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

On today’s awesome episode, we figure out how to save Andy by facing our fears, get the jump scare of a lifetime, discuss the difference between laugh crying and cry laughing before wrapping things up with a Audio to Replace Your Car Horn draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. Let's hear. That was the newest model of the garbage disposal in my kitchen. That's what that sounded like. High horsepower.

You know what I mean? That was awful. That was a bottom five. If you put glass down that sink, I'm going to take it. No problem. What were you doing? I had said, okay, this is what actually happened. I had said the last time I did a scat that, oh,

because I started the Satchmo run. And you loved it. Yeah. I just loved the scat. And I said, you know, this is how I can get out of doing a scat. I'm never going to do it again. Someone else is going to do it.

I had Satchmo do my scat last time. Right. So this time around, I was like, who can I have do the scat? So who was that? It started as Arnold. Oh. Oh! Oh, no it didn't. No, it didn't.

It started only in my mind as Arnold. And then the reason I was- You failed to commit? I don't know, man. The reason I found it so funny at the end was because I was watching that from a distance. I was you know, I was Seeing that as a third party and I did and what was your review then? Party a very pretty good

Garbage disposal it did sound a lot like a garbage disposal to me. Welcome into the spitballers. Thank you Thank you for joining us. Would you rather the situation room today? And we are drafting audio to replace your car horn with later in the show. So that is today's draft that Jason gave one away. Jason just earned the right to draft first. There is a one on one in this draft. So a garbage disposal sound.

I don't know. I don't know there is for me I know what it is for Jason but we'll start here would you rather and by the way the Al Borland now would you rate Jason scat over there that's a two out of a hundred yeah it works would you rather Heather wants to know would you rather lose one of your That's a two. That's not bad. Out of a hundred. Okay, worst. Would you rather, Heather wants to know, would you rather lose one of your two front teeth and not be allowed to replace it or have your hair look like George Costanza, so we're talking

hair on the side. We're talking skullet. Empty on top and you're not allowed to wear a hat, which is more... This is very, very easy. This is layup level. There's no debate, no choice. 100%. I feel like this is Andy V. Jason right now.

Oh, no. I'm not there, Mike. Well, he's not there. He's not even there with the tooth either. No, no, take the hat off for the whole segment. Because it wasn't his front tooth, it was the other, oh there it is again, oh no! All right, so we got a battle going on here.

I would choose the tooth. Really? Yes, I've come to learn, like I can talk. I've learned, I can talk in a public situation where no one notices my teeth Is that why your voice is doing what it's doing? Well, the voice would change a little bit. I just cover it I'm just saying you can't you got to move it to the front to not you're oh, you're right. I'm not a front to know You're a oh, you're a forward tooth. Yeah, you're not one of the two sizes I think that's right. All right. Oh, Jason's on the back wall.

Oh, thanks. Thanks, friends. So here's my reasoning why you would definitely want to have the Costanza hair versus a missing tooth. So you want that too? That photo's old. Or you want that one over the tooth? That was a while ago.

Yes, for those listening at home, a photo of me having a very bad hair experience getting out of a pool Has been put up on our YouTube, please feel free to visit kind of reminds me like if you got and I had more hair then if you got if you got like a Like a turkey feather and you got it wet and you laid on top of it So anyway, all right moving on. So it's easy for you. Yes, it's a very easy decision. I see people with Costanza hair all the time. It's just normal.

That is a normal thing you see. You go in the grocery store. You might just run into someone with a Costanza. Now usually they're older than we are and that would feel maybe a little bit too old but if I saw someone in the grocery store missing a tooth I'm gonna 100% judge them I don't want you I don't I shouldn't they don't have to have their mouth open yeah they don't have to have their mouth open but if I if they ever talked to me yeah at that point you're gonna see it and I'm gonna be like okay so it would help the soda it would help they ever talk to me yeah at that point you're gonna see it and I'm gonna be like okay So you have the soda it would help me not talk to anybody, but my friends that know my situation

And they'd all say that's a nice set of hair. How long would you like paper or plastic? Plastic what uh How long does the for this question how long does the hair have to be? On the sides? Yeah, because that- It has to be long enough to be very obvious that it's hair from a distance. Okay, because that matters.

A bushel. Where like the fellers that have the horseshoe hair, but it's tight. A tight horseshoe's not as bad. You're like, yeah, it's a guy who's balding. Yeah, it just looks like you shaved your head and then you let it grow a little bit. Yeah, that's a good point.

The further out the sides grow, the worse it gets. Is there a point where it becomes cool? No. Like I've got long hair? It turns into like Bozo the Clown. That's like saying is there a point where it's cool to not have a front tooth? And it just.

What if I got no teeth? It never becomes cool. And I've learned from knocking my front tooth out that it is the worst thing you can do for your appearance possible. It's the most noticeable thing that anyone would ever see about a person. So I still think I can hide it better.

I want my pride. I lose my pride if I'm walking around. Yes, because part of it is balding is just is a 100% natural thing that happens. Phenomena. Like, I mean, what's the percentage of men who by the time they're like 50, they're essentially bald or really balding?

I mean, not by 50, but like balding, yeah. I would say percentage of men that are balding by 50. Let's take a guess. Okay, I've got the answer. Percentage that are balding by 50, let's take a guess. Okay, I've got the answer. Percentage of men balding by 50 is 50%. I would go a little higher, I'll go 60. This says up to 50% of men go bald by the time they're 50 years old.

Okay. However, the up to part seems really stupid, up to 50%. Yeah, that's anywhere from zero to 50. Once you're 60, it goes up to 2 thirds. OK, but the point being that this is just, this is a natural thing of life where getting your front tooth knocked out, something happened. Poor hygiene, got in a fight.

Gingivitis. I don't know. What is the judgment when you see no tooth? Stupid hillbilly? That's first That's first thing you know there are people listening to this They don't know how to operate the podcast Deep I'm in the clear they are not hearing this As a man with the other side of this would you rather on his horizon.

Yeah, no I know it's coming. I know. I guess you can speak to it. I'll be shaving my head this year. It's this year? Yeah, I think it's probably going to be this year. Now have you considered doing the low cut but you still can tell where the pattern is? Yeah, I think I'm going to... You're going to try that?

I'm going to buzz it down real tight. Yeah, let's see what that looks like. See what it looks like and go from there. So I guess I should ask you two gentlemen. Before you go full glint. Since, you know, we run a massive media empire. Uh-huh. How do you. How do you do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

How are you two gonna feel with, you know, one third of us now just having a new look, being bald? Great. Yeah, I'll feel great about it. Doesn't bother me at all. Also, I can't imagine you're not wearing a hat still once you're bald. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you tried it once upon a time. I think you objectively looked fine. But I think for us, it was very stark because we're so used to, I mean, I've known you for 25 years. Yeah, anytime someone shaves their head, it looks, or beard, or any massive change, it's just like, ah!

Now, if you shave your head and your face, all at the same time, like you are just. No. No. Yeah, there's no amount. I was gonna ask, there's no amount I was gonna ask you knew it I'm gonna ask how much give me a million dollars I this face needs a beard you know some people he has a face for beards I'm still looking at pictures of George here and it's it's he was so young I'm by the way he was like yeah 30 I'm trying to express it without it sounding horrifically mean but it's... He was so young, by the way. He was like 30.

I'm trying to express it without it sounding horrifically mean, but it's just gonna sound mean. It's like, how is this the look? That you're like, you're looking at it in the mirror, you're like, yeah, still got it. It's not, it's just a, it happens, and then you're just like, this is what I got, that's what that is. That's not a choice.

Yeah, but I'm saying just take it all off. But I don't think that that looks good for everybody. A bald head does not always- For everybody, true. But I know how many people that the George Costanza looks good for. Nobody? And it's nobody. I mean Costanza- It's one, it's Costanza. Look, he was a character. All right. Kastanza looks good for it. Nobody? And it's nobody. I mean Kastanza. It's one.

It's Kastanza. He's a character. All right. Mike, your final answer? Not my tooth. Okay. All right. Let's go Jason from the website.

You are offered a chance to be in an upcoming Disney film. Would you rather it be a Pixar, Marvel, or Star Wars movie? So now we're talking. All right. Now we're talking. Oh, all right. Now we're talking. I did glance at this. I saw this question that it may come up today. And it is unbelievably difficult.

So I feel like. Isn't a Pixar movie mean that you're a voice only? That's the issue is that Pixar is the best, I think, of these three. Like Pixar is just best I think of these three like that Pixar is just I mean These are all great franchises, but like Pixar is Amazing, but you're just a voice like when I you're not just a voice you are 100% just a voice No, like actually yes, but I could put more into it

I could put character and passion you You can become Woody. With my voice. But you become that character. And then that character lives on forever. If you are in a Pixar hit, you're now in the parks. You're in Disneyland. Your character. Same with Marvel. But it's not you.

Might as well be a random person. Chris Pratt is in Marvel and is in a massive Pixar movie. I don't even remember his character name. Right. I get that from Pixar. It could be because you can, Pixar has some clunkers out there that just they vanish into the mist. Honestly, I think the answer for me personally and I don't even like, I don't really like any of these that much, but I would choose Star Wars. Okay. Because of the fact that I think that's the funnest movie to shoot. So if you're going to be in one, I think it'd be the most fun to be in like a space, you

know, um, Star Wars adventure with a lightsaber and having like being part of the, you know, part of the lore, the cannon. I mean, it's gotten watered down over the last five, 10 years. A little bit. We're on the way back. But I mean, there's a lot of bad Marvel movies, and there's some super hits. So you don't want to be, what is it? It's not Black Widow, is it?

Yeah, that's not a Black Widow movie. That's not the one I'm thinking of. What's the Spider-Man? Oh, that was actually not Marvel. Oh, it isn't? The girls? Madame Web. That's in the Sony Universe. Spider-man this oh that was that was actually not Marvel. Oh, it isn't the Madam, what I that's in the Sony universe Angelina Jolie that flopped oh

Yeah, that was the Eternals. Yeah, that was supposed to be their next big thing And it was like when that movie came up yeah, the that one actor got an amazing shape Yes, and then the movie flopped and it felt so bad for him. Yeah. You got into shape. Except he was still super yo. Yeah, I was going to say, that's what he got out of it. Yeah, that's fair. So the way I'm looking at it is, in Marvel or Star Wars, I think your chance of it becoming a phenomenon,

you're now one of the core pieces of it. I think it's low. If you just made me a voice in Inside Out 2 of one of those emotions, that's not lore. That's not the hit, it's a good movie. Yeah. But unless it's Toy Story 1 because Pixar is brand new. Pixar's out.

I think it's out, man. I gotta get some screen time, Mike. Which one lets you go to all the Comic-Cons and stuff as yourself? They all do. Yeah, but- What are you? Oh, I'm the voice of sadness.

Say something, I wanna know who you are. Are you going Pixar? I'm still on, I don't know yet. I'm trying to work through it. I'm just saying, I think there is still a chance of elevation of becoming, it's not you, but it's not you if it's Marvel. I mean, it's your face, but it's not you.

Well, these are all characters, Mike. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So that it's not just your, you're like, oh, it's just my voice, but no, you are so connected with the character. Like Owen Wilson is Lightning McQueen. There, yeah. There's a few.

There's a few special ones. When it hits, and now there's a freaking Cars Land in Disneyland. Yeah, but it's not Owen Wilson Land. No, but the car drives around and it's got his voice. Yeah, but Guardians of the Galaxy are there too. So I mean, all of these have a chance to be more. And there's a Star Wars world there.

So I think for me. But it's none of the movie stuff. For me, when I look at these, like, Marvel has maybe jumped the shark, or at least they've just been struggling. But I have loved Marvel movies. I've watched, you know, when the Infinity Wars finish came about, I rewatched the entire Marvel suite of movies in chronological order. Like they're amazing and awesome and I love superheroes.

Like I enjoy Star Wars. I like them. And I think Pixar movies are elite, but I don't rewatch them. I don't love the other properties. I've got to go Marvel. And then if I was to say like, if you know, if you've got a great role and you're one of the main superheroes, yeah, now you're paid. It's definitely between those two for me. But I like my memories of

watching Star Wars as a kid are better than current Star Wars or Marvel movies. So that's what I'm gonna go with. Did you get to watch Marvel movies as a kid? They weren't, I mean they weren't there. Yeah. But I'm just giving you my reasoning. I'm gonna, I think it's tough, but I'm gonna land on, ah, I think I'm gonna be Marvel. Yeah, you want that screen time.

No, I just, yeah, like. You got a face for audio? No, my face is beautiful and should be seen. So, I just, like, I just want to be a superhero. Imagine they reboot Wolverine and now you're Wolverine. That would be the coolest of any outcome. If you're a bit part, if you're a side character, a small character, Star Wars is the way to go. Cause some of those small characters still matter to the nerds.

They do. Yeah, unless you ended up as Jar Jar's voice. Trevor from the website, would you rather laugh every time someone cries or cry every time someone laughs? Oh man. I have to imagine my instinct says right away, cry when someone laughs. Oh man. I have to imagine my instinct says right away I cry when someone laughs. Because you're not offending them.

But you're gonna be. You're weird. You will be crying all the time. Mike laughs a lot. Yeah, I do. Also you're saying the inconvenience of crying all the time versus the embarrassment of being rude when someone else's. When's the last time you watched someone cry?

A grown up. Well, this would be anybody. No, I'm not. But sure, OK, a grown up. If it's your kids and you're laughing at your kids, that's fine. That's true. They're crying.

They got a boo-boo. Within the last month. Oh, OK. When's the last time you heard someone laugh? Within the last minute. Yeah. I'm OK. When's the last time you heard someone laugh? Within the last minute. Yeah. I'm taking the, I'm going with the ratio. I guess it would stop me from being able to do a podcast,

because I'd be weeping. Yeah. Or I'd have to do really sad podcasts. But then that would be funny? So I could be a comedy? Yeah. There's a niche for that. It is funny, because I'm with Andy,

that right when you ask the question, you can't laugh when someone cries. That answer is out, but the frequency of laughter makes it almost impossible to take that side. Hey Jason, why aren't you coming to your grandmother's funeral? I just can't be there. Trust me.

I'm gonna, it's gonna be so hysterical. It's, well you'll have to laugh. It's gonna be so sad. I mean, you'll be sad, but you'll be laughing, right? Yes. Like it doesn't change your emotions, it just changes your behavior? No, you'll still feel sad.

I mean, can you just justify it as a coping mechanism? Yeah. I laugh to keep from crying. Yeah, exactly. We laugh the pain away. All right, let's take a break. Come back with the Situation Room. Today's show is brought to you by our friends way. All right, let's take a break. Come back with the Situation Room.

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laughing yeah in the middle of this story the waiter drops off your food how long do you wait to start eating oh yes yes I have an unfortunate story. Oh no. Let's go. What? I just inadvertently made my wife cry one time. Long, long ago. I didn't know that what I was gonna say was gonna make her cry.

It was all like, now I have to tell the story because it's gonna sound worse if I don't. Okay. But it was an awkward situation because we were at a restaurant where they were coming to check on the food and coming to check on drink refills,

but she was in the middle of crying and they could tell, but then it was like we also needed refills. But like, and this was like when she was pregnant with our first kid and I shouldn't have brought up like some what if scenarios that happened related to the pregnancy and I wasn't trying I was trying to be helpful yeah but I didn't realize that sometimes you just don't bring things up because it was a doofus and I was trying to pragmatically deal with it and think through it but

she was a pregnant woman with a baby in her stomach that was yeah okay not wanting to go to that way but I I, it's been burned into my mind, that embarrassment of that situation, and it's also been brought up by my wife many times. Because she'll tell me about it, but it was like, I remember them coming, asking for drinks or bringing the food, and the awkwardness of that situation, and what to do.

But did you start eating? Yeah. I mean. Oh, you're hungry, right? Yeah, I mean, we're there to do. Did you start eating? Yeah. I mean. Oh, you're hungry, right? Yeah, I mean, we're there to eat. But in this situation, but it wasn't the exact same, because it wasn't like the food wasn't there and then it got brought.

It was more like refilled and stuff like that. But I remember how awkward it felt to have somebody, if you're ever having a serious conversation at dinner, it doesn't have to be crying or a fight. It could be a serious conversation. It could be a political conversation. It could be whatever. If the waiter comes up right at the wrong time, that's weird. It's awkward. Let me ask you this. Does it matter if it's a hand food or a silverware food? Let's go silverware because it's easier to

hand food. Silverware is- Wait, that seems more awkward. I think the hand food is a little bit more awkward. I think the hand food is a little bit more awkward. Oh, see, to me, picking up my knife and fork is like, excuse me, I'm leaving. Oh. I'm like, I'm checking out. Oh, like I'm leaving the conversation.

Whereas you can sneak a fry in? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. If I was listening and paying attention and locked eyes with you, I can grab some with my hands and maybe put it to my mouth. I like the idea of you trying to not make it obvious you're chewing too. When she's looking down for a minute, you're like... Or cutting.

If I got a steak, grabbing my fork and knife and just trying... Oh, I'm so sorry. You're not looking where you're cutting, trying to keep that eye contact. You put it in your teeth and instead of chewing, you're just trying to grind... You're gumming it?...grind your teeth back and forth instead of chewing you're just kind of trying to grind but you're gumming it grind your teeth back and forth Oh instead of chewing I think you know what? Yeah, that is I think you have to wait until the crying is over you can't what if it's a 15 minute Do they have to break the food ice like do they have to be I don't starting the food first

I don't think they have to break the food ice But you could give I think you can give them a couple pump fakes, like, you know, like. Like showing them that you want to start eating. Show them that you want to, you know, your hands are just going towards there. Can you say, do you need anything else? Is that a way to break in and maybe move it to food?

Do you need anything else with that? I feel like that's the way to do the job. That's fair. I've never done that. Do you need a refill? No, I'm still a waiter. Yeah. You gonna eat that?

Yeah, yeah, there you go. You're just gonna be like, yeah, that's, that's right. Oh, this is the answer. How is your meal? Why don't you, hey, why don't you eat up? You need something to eat. Right. That's the ticket.

Yeah. What, tell him to eat? Oh yeah. Oh no, I'm worth this. You'll feel better after with a full stomach? Exactly, they're upset, hey, hey, hey, I'm so sorry this is going on, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why don't you, yum, yum, yum.

Why don't you. What have you eaten today? Yeah, why don't you just have a bite, take a break. Yeah, but you know what sad people normally say? I'm not hungry. I don't have an appetite right now. Yeah, but once I. Can I have that?

Can I have, can I have your appetite? Yeah. I mean, can you say anything about the temperature of the food? Ooh, it's ready to eat. I don't think so. My steak's really cooling down. No, you can't say these things now.

Can you pay the waiter to come over and ask about the food? Is there a problem with your food? Yes. Have either of you been in one of these situations where you have to make the decision on how long to wait? No, I haven't. Because I know you are not a- Mike would be eating right off the bat.

Yeah, because you're like, even if they bring your food out of, like not the foods together, you'd be eating. Yeah, I can maintain the eye contact and pretend like I'm interested. That is crying Fred. What if they say, please don't eat right now? This is very sad for me. I'll say what? You like don't keep eating or like don't eat? Okay. I'm gonna wait until the crying is done and I'm going to encourage them to eat to speed that process up. This

is this is this look this is me, I'd wait forever. But you need to eat something. Oh man. Big Mike from Patreon writes in, Andy's in trouble. He's been locked in a room with the walls closing in on him to squish him like a pancake. Actually, that was one of my nightmares as a kid. Every kid's nightmare.

The squished room, the room that, the nightmares as a kid. Every kid's nightmare. Getting squished like a- The squished room. The room that the walls come closing in. Indiana Jones. Mm-hmm. Right. It's more of the- Now make them all. More of the using the word squished like a pancake.

It's a little strange to me. There's only one way for Andy to be saved. Either Mike or Jason has to conquer their fear. Mike has to get stung multiple times by a swarm of bees or Jason has to let a tarantula crawl in his body for one minute. Dude I'm getting that maple syrup out. There's only one man in this scenario who can save Andy. It is not gonna be me bro. Once the task is completed the door to stop closing and Andy is saved. Andy or a. My only hope is Mike. And I, at this point of my life I think I could do it.

I believe that Jason would say, toss me into the room. Yeah. And just allow me to be. Swap me out. Swap. Just let me be squished. Yeah, I'll take the squish.

Like you know what, I'm trading, I'm a man of man of honor yeah I would let him live let me take his place no Jason cannot conquer that fear I fears on common the only way to conquer that fear would be full general anesthesia how small would that even work could you handle now I'm handle. Now, for real, like let's say it's the... Oh my God. Let's say it's small. I just, I literally... It's slow and it's smaller than your fingernail. Your pinky nail. A little teeny baby tarantula crawling up your leg.

Oh my God, I'm like, I can't even think about it. It really is real. Like I can't even, I'm trying to think through. Describe the things of a tarantula that bother you. Is it the hairy legs? The hair, the shape. So if it was like a like a hairless tarantula? Is it the I would much rather like a daddy long legs.

No, no problem. I find those to be very creepy. If it was really let a daddy long legs crawl across your arm. That's a spider. very creepy. If it was let a daddy long legs crawl across your arm. There is something, so many magnitudes worse about the body proportion to the legs. The thicker, the thick boys. Okay. The wolf spider, the tarantula like. Are you, where are you at? Like are there other insects that bother you? No.

So it's the eight legs? Well it's not even just the eight legs because I believe a scorpion is an arachnid. I'm not afraid of scorpions. I'll go out, I'll hunt scorpions. But it's got the tail, so it's almost like it. It's like nine. It's like nine, yeah.

I also don't know how scorpion-crazy as you are. Like how close will you get? I've stepped on one. I've killed it with my boot. And I've. Yeah, okay. When I see them. That's not bad.

When I see them, like as I've had over the last decade, four or five times in my house, I've had a scorpion. When I see one, I go and I take care of it. Is it possible? Really? You're misremembering what a tarantula looks like? Oh no. Cause you haven't seen one in a while? Oh no.

I have this burning behind them retinas. I'm, I, put it this way. Scorpions are way worse. I am. For me they are, yeah. Tarantulas are nice. Terrified every single day of my life. Yeah, one can hurt you and one can't.

One is an armored demon with like, with three weapons. We were on a hike up in Prescott and a little slow tarantula's just walking along with us. Oh, my sweet mercy. So this has been a new- You ever see the movie 8 Legs of Freaks? That doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother me.

Oh, you said you have? I haven't seen the movie, because why would I? But I saw the trailer, and it doesn't bother me, because it's a bunch of fake CGI-looking giant monsters. You know, when I watch Harry Potter Not not really these giant they're not in spiders don't bother you but little friendly one Real ones real ones arachnophobia depends on that. Okay. Yeah Yeah, but lately and so this is every day. This is every day for me

We got is we got a what I'm about to say. We get, like everyone in the world, a lot of Amazon packages, and they go right to the front porch. And they put them in the corner of my front porch. My front porch is like a little square. And so they just hide it back around the corner, and they put it in the corner.

Oh, I know who likes corners. And I do too, my man. And I am, I can't even look when I pick the package up every single time. Like this last night I go out and there were three packages and I'm holding my breath, looking away. I'll grab the package, look away towards my door. Do you ever shake it? Like kick the package?

Oh, when I pick it up I'm gonna shake it for sure. On the way to the door. And then I put it inside and I do not look at that box for a couple minutes. Like that's, you'd rather in real life. The irony is he probably needs to buy like a long stick from Amazon to move the packages away from the wall, but he can't get the package. Well there's also the irony of,

if it took a ride on the box and you put it down in the house and then you don't look at the box, then it's just free. Ignorance is bliss, Mike. Ignorance is bliss. He just nukes his Amazon packages in raid. and you put it down in the house and then you don't look at the box, then it's just free. Is that the thought? Ignorance is bliss, Mike. Ignorance is bliss. Okay, so I'm just, you don't know? He just nukes his Amazon packages and raid?

I mean, this is very, very, very, very clear. Like, if there is a tarantula at my house right now and I don't know about it, there is not a tarantula at my house. If there is a tarantula at my house and I know about it, I have a for sale sign going up. This... So Mike, you're willing to save me is the message here. I could take a couple bee stings only to save a life though.

And then you'll have to leap into the machine as well? You start swelling up? Yeah, we know I will be allergic. Do we have time for one more Al or do you want us to move on? Let's do one more. Do you have a favorite? I see a couple of them in the dock. Do you have one that you wanna go on? Let's do one more. Do you have a favorite? I see a couple of them in the doc.

Do you have one that you want to go with? Let's go with Andrews or Dan's. Andrews. Andrews says you have a new diet where you can only eat one food. Starting each Monday you choose a starting daily allotment. That allotment doubles each day of the week until it resets. On Monday you must finish the doubled allotment doubles each day of the week until it resets on Monday. You must finish the doubled allotment each day. Okay.

What food do you choose and what is your starting daily allotment that would be enough for your allotment on Sunday? You said it doubles every day? It doubles every day. That's gonna get out of control. Do you know how exponential growth works? So what is that?

That's one becomes two. Yeah. So that's on, look, we're starting on Monday, right? Yeah. So one on Monday. So if it's one. Two on Tuesday. Four on Wednesday.

Eight on Thursday. 16 Friday. 32 Saturday. 64 Sunday. I got to eat 64 or something on Sunday. So I'm ramping up. So like day one is like a piece of cereal? Yeah, no, I mean, I think you could do what?

A taquito? You can't, you're not eating 64 taquitos? Over a day I could eat 64 taquitos? That's a good point, it's a whole day. Yeah, you get the whole day, that's like, I mean, 15, 15, 15, 15, four times? But that also means Monday you're surviving on one taquito. Correct. I don't think you're surviving on one taquito. Correct. Yep.

I don't think you could eat that many taquitos. OK, you can take taquitos off. I'm not half a hot dog? Get to 32 hot dogs on Sunday? Live on half a hot dog the first day? This equation is not going to work. Where day one is going to be like, mm, that's a perfect amount of food.

And day seven is going to be like, perfect amount of food. Like, you have to pick something. No matter what, you're picking something and you're gonna be really hungry for the first few days. A peanut? I think I've got it. So if you can only eat one food, for me, it's gonna be steak.

I can eat that breakfast, lunch, or dinner. So volume, you can volume steak, that's your thing. No, it's not No, i'm just saying nutritionally like if if if this question was because part of this question is you only get one food That's fair. And so I that portion of the question i'm answering with Steak would be the one food. I just look i'm i'm a carnivore now um Then it's question of how much steak can I eat in a day? And I think and then go backwards. I yeah and then go backwards. I think I could much steak can I eat in a day? And I think. And then go backwards.

Yeah, and then go backwards. I think I could eat 30 ounces of steak in a day. And so I think I did the math right. Half an ounce in the first? Which is half an ounce on the first day. Yeah, half an ounce on day one? Basically, if I start with half an ounce. So that means like the.

Yeah, that's about right. The first couple days is basically like almost I'm fasting. You know what I mean? And then the last. Yeah, well half an ounce is, I mean that's not a lot. Oh, half an ounce is not a lot I'd rather eat I'd rather have to eat a little too much on the last day I think it's gonna make the other days pretty good

You think you can go over 30. I think you could do it I could 10 ounces for lunch 10 ounces for breakfast 10 ounces for dinner. That's not that bad No, that's all you're eating. I could throw a couple snackies in there, but I can't get to 64 So I can't start with one ounce. One ounce is 64 ounces. I know I can't do that. 40 ounces on the last day, you can do that. 12, 12, 12, 36.

Okay, so like two thirds of an ounce. I'm just trying to help you on day one. Maybe you're just fasting, like you said. I think I'm focused on water. If you had to eat that small of a steak, Jay, would you go single bite? Or would you try to cut it into little pieces steak, Jay, would it be... Would you go single bite? Or would you try to cut it into little pieces? Little pieces.

You do like a hot rock where you... Hot rock? Oh yeah, where it's real thin. Yeah, you shave the meat. Tell me about hot rock. I've done it. I've done it. It's not that good, but go on.

You idiot! You sound like an idiot. Take that tooth out, cause you look like you sound. Hot rock is amazing. What? You take meat. It sounds like an idiot. Take that tooth out, because you look like you sound. Hot rock is amazing. What? You take meat. It sounds like Hot Pocket. Hot rock.

You're going to thinly slice the steak, and then you get a literal. How thin are we talking here? We're talking very thin. Like, if I hold it up, can I see through it? You're not going to see through it. Like you're setting it on a hot rock for 10 seconds. Yeah, so then you cook it on this hot rock.

You just lay it down. It's a real neat way to charge people way too much. You flip it over. Why does it have to be a rock? Well, it's just an easy, because they're not gonna bring a grill to your table. You know what I mean? Right, but what if it was just a flat piece of metal?

I think the thing about the hot rock is it retains its heat. Yeah, like a sauna rock. Unless they were bringing you a device that was plugged in to cook your food there. Yeah, that's a fair point. A rock holds, yeah, good answer, good answer. Funnest one by far, ice cream.

One scoop on Monday. You carry the rest out to what I, I could do it. You could do it. You could do it. You would die so soon. 64 though, 64 scoops? 64 years old is not a number you're gonna see. No, no, no.

Mike, do you have a food you wanna pick here before we move on? I think I'm with Jason's logic over here. Mike's going cigarettes, actually. One cigarette on Monday. No, I'm eating them. The tobacco leaf is very nutritional. No, you're gonna live less long than I will.

All right, we're back with the draft. Oh my God! Andy, I think forgot he did. The spitballers draft. Was that a there was something on your screen there. Yeah I don't know how much of that actually got caught by the camera. Anything got caught by the camera. That was a nightmare. Do we have the footage. Yeah we'll make it. OK. Oh my god. So a long time ago, way before the last segment, we were in the middle of a conversation a long time ago and we were talking about different spiders.

And I just said, here's what a tarantula looks like and Jason just found it. I obviously was not in that, Doc. And I just flipped over to it and I- You scared the crap out of me, man. Well, I I was expecting to just see a trance wall on my screen What I broke the rules man can someone delete that out? Yeah, I could never go back to that channel I think it's hidden. No That is a person that only hides it for you

Someone else can't see it. All right, it's gone. I got rid of it. You won't trust me, but I did. Oh my gosh. What's up, Spitwads? Warmer, sunnier days, they're calling. Fuel up for them with Factor's No Prep, No Mess Meals. You can meet those wellness goals.

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bad decision and Factor makes it easy to make the right decision, head to factor meals.com slash ballers 50 and use the code ballers 50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. That is the code BALLERS50 at FactorMeals.com slash Ballers50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Oh man, that reaction was, that was something else. All right, we are drafting audio to replace your car horn with so your car horn is gone It's time to pick something new to replace it with Jason you get the first pick and you are choosing a big old classic fart

Yeah, I mean it's like when I was prepping for this show And I'm trying to think of anything there was only one thing I could think of. It's just a big fart horn. That's a good time. There are a lot of ways to go about this draft. At first I thought it was narrow and it was just going to be comedic value. Then I started thinking about practical value mixed into it. What would I use the most versus what I would barely use? Yeah, for sure.

And a fart is all of the above? Yeah, you made a stinky move ahead of me. Okay so you're going fart I knew you would go fart. You know my first pick I've got some things that I think will slip through the cracks. Okay. So my first pick I just want it I want the Iuga. I want Iuga. When I said that. Is that a foghorn? No. That's not a foghorn. No, I want Iuga.

Yeah, Iuga. That's what I want. I think that would be hilarious. I don't know what it is. I literally have a tab up here where I was trying to figure out what that was. I'm like, sound effects, Iuga? Yeah.

Is that from the mask? It's in the mask, right? It's in the mask, but it Is that from the mask? It's in the mask, right? It's in the mask, but it's not from the mask. It's from cartoons. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going a wuga. Yeah, that's very good. Uh-huh.

A rrrr. All right, so I am up. I get two picks. Two picks. All right, so. Swap that horn. Yeah, so the first thing that I'm swapping it for you are giving me the The police oh no

That was the one I wanted the most the police siren yeah for sure no, but I don't I don't want You're missing out. No freak those people. I'm with Mike. I think that's the better call Oh, no way no way because the full siren. I mean, it's too much It's a lot. It's laying it on thick. It's gonna annoy you I I want to scare the tarnation out of the person in front of me I want them to hear the sirens on and have them go We're getting pulled over. Yeah, I think you can accomplish that with the Okay, I mean I can accomplish that with the whoop whoop. OK, I mean, I like the pick.

Yeah, I like the pick. That leaves you full siren, Jason, if you want it. Oh, that's too similar. And for my second one. What's your second one? Just a blood-curdling human scream. Oh, just a full scream. Oh, OK.

All right. Practical use? Oh, it's going to do the same thing as a horn, which. All right. Practical use. Oh, it's gonna do the same thing as a horn. Yeah, which doesn't absolutely nothing All the horn does is freak everybody out and you start looking around going who did what who was it me? Was it you the horn does other than a a polite you're at a red light Uh-huh and a polite not being a freaking turd burglar laying on your heart just a little little hey Yeah, you didn't see it, which is hard some some cars that's hard to do not being a freaking turd burglar laying on your horn, just a little, little hey, beep beep. Yeah, you didn't see it.

Which is hard, some cars that's hard to do. It can be, yeah, yeah. And that's why my pick is gonna be a clearing of your throat cough. Oh, that's good. Because that's gonna be the, ahem, ahem, ahem. Like when you need to go,

but I don't wanna be that rude, but it's like, ahem. Yeah. Like you would do if you were in an actual line. Uh-huh. But the person needs to move up. Yeah. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Oh, that'd be a good one. All right, I like that. I like that a lot. All right, so now I am up. I get to, I really wanted the police siren. That's whoop-whoop. Yep.

You can take it. No, no, no, no, no. You can call an ambulance. We're not going to go that close. Is there a different siren in the police car that is the whoop, whoop? Or is it the siren and they're just doing a click on and off? Like a DJ move?

Yeah. Like spinning the turntable a little bit? Whoop, whoop. Or just pushing an on off button. Whoop, whoop, whoop. I think they've got a turntable in little bit. Or just pushing a on-off button. Whee! I think they've got a turntable in there. But does anyone know? I imagine nowadays it's maybe separate.

I don't know. What is the Woo Woo Ford? Is this cruising a neighborhood, like letting people know you're around? It's the you're in trouble, but we're not going to turn the full sirens on. Oh, like pull over? Yeah, that's a get out of the way.

Which makes more sense to be a horn, and I totally understand why you'd go with the boop boop. Imagine if it was an I-oo-ga. But man, just making someone think that the police are right behind them. If you need to honk, that's what I want. I want them to know they're in trouble. They're never going to think it's you right away.

That they've done something foul. And so I am going to know they're in trouble. They're never going to think it's you right away. That they've done something foul. And so I am going to take a referee whistle. Ooh, OK. OK? I'm calling penalty. Oh, you're bringing them back to when they were crossing the street as a kid. Yeah, exactly.

They're going to go. They're going to cross the guard. Nice. Oh, that was a very good whistle. Thank you. I brought it with me. So that is one. And I've got one more here. I'm gonna go, Mike took the woman's scream.

I'm going with a louder scream. I'm going with a screaming goat. The goat scream just. And what does that sound like? Ah! That's basically what it sounds like. I think that was the human scream. That was the human scream.

It's hard to tell. Well, I'm not a goat. So forgive me. I'm not a cat. Your Honor, forgive me for not doing a perfect goat impersonation. Did you do a goat scream, Mike? I already did it.

I'll blow out my voice if I go again. But goat scream was on my list. OK. I prefer the blood. So that's your second pick or your third pick? I'm gonna blow out my voice if I go again. But Boat Goat Scream was on my list. I just prefer the. So that's your second pick or your third pick? That was my third, second of this round. What? I picked two in a row, that was my second one there.

But I started with Fart. The ref whistle. Remember, why are you so confused? Oh, the ref whistle. Well, because I'm looking at the dock and it's not in there and I didn't know if you had one more to pick. No, no. I didn't know if you had one more to pick. No, no. I didn't want to do the old say it too soon

and all of a sudden you take it. All right. Well, sirens seem popular. Getting people's attention seems popular. So we need an old fashioned World War II air raid siren. Oh, okay. We need you to wonder, are the bombs dropping? So we'll go air raid, siren.

It's gonna take a while. That thing's gotta warm up. Maybe it's, I mean, that's the same thing they use for like a tornado too, basically, right? Yeah, I mean, if you're a driver and you hear that, you're looking around. I'm looking up. Oh yeah.

Yeah, you look up. They're dropping. That's the key to driving safe, look up. And then the last one, I want a laugh track. Oh. I think I want a laugh track. I think I want a laugh track, because I think I want to use that.

It's not your turn. Oh my gosh. No, it's not. I was wondering how he was picking two in a row here. Oh man. Unfortunately, no, I will not be taking a laugh track. Yeah, me neither. How did I do that? You just talked to me. I know, I got not be taking a left track. Yeah, me neither. How did I do that?

You just talked to me. I know, I got all discombobulated. I was so confused when he was taking it. I was like, wait. I wasn't. I knew what he was doing. Well, I just thought, I was like, did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong taking two in a row

if he gets two in a row here? Udo reverse card. I was all thrown off. All right, I took an air raid, Siren. That's all I took. Yes. Mike, you get five picks all right my first pick I'm going to give me the Star Wars laser sound so

the laser gun like that okay so I like they're getting shot at yeah yeah okay More of just a, that would be just for fun. And then with my last pick, you guys know in the game Mortal Kombat at the end? Finish him. No, no. Oh, sorry. No, it's very, very close. No, it's just, it's just, it's just fatality. Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's frightening. That's a little bit scary. It's gonna have some options. That was a deep, a deep cut. Get this, I'm gonna go with the laugh track. What? Yeah, like from one of those old sitcoms because I see stupid stuff

and I want something I can use all the time that's not necessarily an air raid siren sending you to your, like a bunker. I want something that I can just hit if I see somebody walking on the street and they look funny Laugh track that makes sense. Alright, so I've got the final pick of this draft I've got a lot of different options on the list here, but I think there's one that I'm surprised

Didn't get drafted already. It's a it's very practical use. It's really just upgrading the horn It's going from a boring car horn to a fun DJ air horn. Waa waa waa! Waa waa waa! So the party mobile is coming. You are starting the party. You would be so obnoxious with that horn. Waa waa waa! You'd get to work and I think you wouldn't come in for an hour. No, I would want you to come out and greet me and then you would I would You until you greet me. I Like it. It's a good one. So Jason a fart a referee whistle a goat scream a DJ air horn

I've got the Iuga horn The throat clear the air raid siren in a laugh track Mike you've got the police The blood curdling human scream is a Star Wars laser sound in a Mortal track. Mike, you've got the police. Whoop whoop. The blood-curdling human scream. Yes. A Star Wars laser sound and a Mortal Kombat fatality. Fatality. I use that only after I hit a pedestrian. Yeah, that one frightened me just a little bit. What did we learn today?

That is not my turn. It wasn't my turn. I learned that it wasn't my turn. I learned that 25% more people balled from the age of 50 to 60. It goes from 50% to 66% in that decade. To hold on and you'll have some company. And I learned that just the... What? Oh, sorry. What I learned was that just the George Costanza is good for nobody.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, based on the numbers that we learned, Mike or I will join you. You've got to count these snakes in the back here. I also learned that Andy is willing to post pictures of tarantulas. Fli-Fli-Fli. Thanks for tuning in, everyone. is willing to post pictures of tarantulas. FWAH FWAH FWAH! Thanks for tuning in everyone. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.