Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 303: Jiu-Jitsu Master & The Best Animal Movies - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

On this episode, Jason becomes a master of Juijitsu, we ruin some birthdays, have a round of Is This Real Life and wrap things up with a best animal movies draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. In the spirit of spooky season, let's talk about wearing masks for a moment. Some of us wear masks and hide more often than we want to at work, in a social setting, around your family. Well, the only kind of mask you should focus on wearing this October is the spooky fun kind. I remember all through high school masking, not even realizing what I was doing, but just trying to hide the struggles, the mental health struggles I was going through and I didn't want anyone to know about it. I was embarrassed about it, but once I finally broke through, took that mask off and started talking about things, that's

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-.com slash The Ballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Okay. All right. Now was it, and then the roar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you got to fill still or space with some syllables and then words just come out of your mouth. Oh, the people loved it. Wow. It's probably the roar at the end. It was a good one. Welcome into the spitballers

Andy Mike and Jason with you. You'll never guess what we're drafting. Would you rather is this real life and we are drafting the best animal movies on today's episode of the podcast. Episode 303 in fact. 303. A palindrome. Yes. I mean yeah. Yeah that is true. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for following the show. Tell your friends and family if you would like them to enjoy their Mondays. What's the other day we release shows? Thursday and the Thursdays? Anything else else?

You're allowed to listen. Yeah, you're allowed to listen every single day. Every day could be a spitballers day. All right, let's kick it off. ["Would You Rather?" by The Bachelorette plays.] Would you rather? Alright, let's kick it off. Would you rather? Trisha from Instagram writes in and says, would you rather give the best man's speech for someone you barely know?

Or go to your kid's schoolmate's birthday party and blow out their candles after everyone sings to them and you have to stay for the rest of the party wait okay the second the second one of these options is you're going to your your child's schoolmates so your child's friend mm-hmm oh my my my son's buddy Rogers Roger's, having a birthday party. I'm gonna go there, and after they sing him happy birthday, I'm gonna blow out his candles as a grown man. You'll probably have to do it, like,

as the song is coming to a close, too. Oh, I gotta get in there before he does. So on that one, you have to sell it like a... Like, you think it's a big gag that's hilarious. I mean, it's not gonna go over well you might get punched see what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna sit there right next to him maybe I'll be filming from his perspective absolutely like I'm doing it just right before him and they won't know about a sneeze oh that's

good right on the cake oh yeah Let me slice this up for you. So the second one sounds way worse. I mean, the first one's not even bad. It's not that hard. A best man speech for someone you barely know. I could go through enough trivialities. I think the issue is you're taking over the speech. The best man does not get to speak.

They go up. Like, you know, it's time for the best man speech. And they're. Like they go up, like, you know, it's time for the best man speech and they're walking up and you run and you shoulder check them and you take the microphone. Okay, that would make this question make far more sense because if I just, if I was asked to give a best man speech for someone that I don't know, I'm like, yeah, sure.

That's fine. I would probably rather do that than someone I know. It's like, I can say anything I want. I can have fun with this. Yeah, I mean, I feel like you can say enough generic things at a best man's speech to be fine. The idea that you are taking the spot from someone else and then having to give a speech is awkward as can be. Little Kanye West

But I could I think I could blow out the candle if it was like a solo candle on a cupcake that someone was holding And you have to stay for the rest of the party so everyone's just gonna be like why'd you do that? I was just helping him, man. Why did you do that? He's a little undersized. I didn't think the lungs were going to be able to power through. I want his wish to come true. And my man lungs got him all 11 out. I mean, I did this for him. What do you do at the end?

You've blown the candles out. Oh, you grab it. You go, what's your? Are you doing a eh? Eh? Do you stand and cheer? Like, eh, eh, I got it. What's moving? Or do you just sit there in silence?

It's just kidding everyone and you grab the lighter and light them again. No. I think what you do is immediately when you blow them out, you grab that knife and you start cutting. You're like, who wants cake? Who wants cake? I'm just trying to get this party moving, you know?

What if you say you had a wish that you need his? Yeah, dude, I'm so, look, Roger, I am sorry, but I needed this wish. Yeah, I mean, like, I am gonna lose my job without this wish. No, you just tell him to your kid. You're like, you don't know this, Tom, but little Frankie's really going through it right now.

He's really sick. He's so it right now. He's really sick. He's so sick right now. Well, he was. And then I made this wish. And watch how happy he's going to be now. I'm looking at Frank. He looks perfectly fine. Exactly.

That's why I blew out your candles. We did it. I like that. That's a good one. And you just start hugging the kid. You saved him. You saved my little boy. It's a lot easier.

It is a lot easier It is a lot easier to overcome these children then to overcome Rooms and the the the bridesmaids. So you think the parents are gonna home. Oh, you the parents of the problem makes the best man I'll tell you what makes the best man. So put yourself in the shoes of the other parents. This is your son's birthday, okay? We all have a young one. Oh my gosh. And another parent. Oh my gosh. Not another kid. Like I could see another kid doing that and I'd be like what a little jerk kid. I hate that kid. But that kid's parent blows out the candles. That is wild. This would be like, you know, they got the pinata and one of the other parents grabs

the stick and goes first and just rips it in half. That would be awesome. I mean. Just like Sammy Sosa showing up to your birthday party. Bat flips at the end Bring your own bat. Yeah, I prefer an aluminum. I mean if you the thing about traditionalist I Don't know what the next thing I do is once you start serving someone did that for my open and presents You're gonna move on. I'm serving that parent the last piece

Yeah, I mean you're gonna relight the candles. Oh, well that just makes it completely easy. No, but now you still have to, this awkward. Everyone has to sing again? The awkwardness is still in the air of this person just blew out the candles. Man, man, this is a great question because they are both awful.

I think I could. I guess I'm doing the best man speech. That's the way I lean to. I think I could take the microphone. Let's get this party started everybody. And I could just try to make the crowd laugh and have fun and be belligerent and then give it back and then it's like there was hopefully hopefully a reason for it of like that was just fun There's no redeemable quality about blowing out another kid's birthday candles as an adult

No, no, so I think we're yeah, I think we're good there rusty from patreon writes in would you rather instantly master the skill? of either drawing or jujitsu jujitsu, baby Mastering is the word there that is making that more difficult because we're all competitive sports people. And if you tell me you get to master any sport, if I'm the master of a sport, that comes with the competitive joy of winning.

I don't know if there's drawing competitions, but I don't think they're like sports. Well, and as a life skill. That's more how I look at it. As a life skill, drawing is amazing. It blows my mind when people can... Draw. Even, no, really.

When they can visualize in their mind what they want to draw, that alone blows my mind. But they're able to then draw it. I can't even see a stick figure in my mind to draw. I'm like, I don't know the shape of a dog. I was right. Can you learn that? Like seriously, I know some people are gifted artists,

right, like Papa Josh, his wife is a great artist, his daughter's a great artist. Did they learn it, did they have some of it, was it inherent? Like if I decided today, I'm gonna commit my life to drawing. I obviously would. You could learn.

Like all the way. Yeah, I believe that any art thing, like there are some people, you're born, and you just have a, your brain happens to function naturally a certain way, so you can think about that. But for drawing, it's going to take longer. But I think that you can learn the skills of light and shadow

and of that. First off, when you look at an object, just what are the basic shapes of that and deconstructing it before you start drawing and adding all the detail in? I think anyone can learn it. Can I alter this? Because it seems like Jujitsu is going to win the day here.

Well, I was going to say that, just going back to the first question, if someone blows out the candles, I'm not going to draw like an angry picture and hand it to them, but the Jiu-Jitsu... Oh, that comes in handy. That might come in real handy when Bob's blowing out the candles. What if you could become the master of Jiu-jitsu for one year? Or the master of drawing for your whole life because the one of the redeeming things about drawing to me Was the idea that for years and years and years? This is a hobby I can do like if you I would like a hobby like that I was thinking today like I I want to add a hobby to my life. I want to find a hobby I just you know, you need our help? But I don't sure yeah recommendations, you know rack your brains fellas. Step one. You're gonna need some more time, right?

Yeah, but a future hobby. Okay. I feel like drawing to me It's not your hobby. I admire it. That's so much, but that sounds so boring. That's not your hobby I don't want to sit down and draw. You don't like museums. No! You don't like drawing, because it's from an empty page to something you're proud of,

there's a whole lot of time you'll be unhappy. I wish I could doodle. And the ultimate goal is just looking at it. That's not a... Yeah, I mean most of the things that I see drawn in my life are on a dry erase board and they're quickly erased. Could you do woodworking?

Or is that also, that's not boring? That's less boring, but that's very cumbersome. And it's hard, it gets sweaty. It's probably in a garage or in Arizona. Yeah. So keep these flowing. Deucers, you guys as well, I'm looking for a hobby. What are some hobbies people have?

Yeah, people do, well. Like do you wanna learn an instrument? I'm looking for a hobby. What are what are some hobbies people have? Yeah people do Well, like do you want to learn an instrument? Would you I'm not good at that. Okay No, no music. What about? Antiquing oh that is that a hobby. It is a hobby. Yeah, well shopping sounds good How do you king house awful and teachings? Oh, it's it what you do is you go to antique stores Uh-huh, which are very popular you What you do is you go to antique stores, which are very popular. You'll find them. And you go to garage sales.

And you buy things that you think are worth money or antiques, and then you just collect them infinitely until your next of kin is forced to sell them off. That's what I was going to ask. So how do you gauge, I am... It's collecting. I'm really good at antiquing. It's how many you have. Like how much storage space you have? No, just based on how many things you've purchased. How do you gauge I am really good at antiquing?

It's how many you have. Like how much storage space you have? No, just based on how many things you've purchased. It's how much storage space you don't have anymore. Right. Oh. It's all in negative volume. My ratio of crap to empty space.

And everyone that starts- I have almost no room left. I'm doing it. When you are antiquing, you are going out there and you find that apple plate that is so rare and you say, apple plate that is so rare. And you say, this is worth hundreds of dollars. 1982. They're selling it for $19.99.

They don't know what's on their hands. So this is a profiting venture. That's a little different, though. No, but they're never going to sell it. They think they're going to sell it. They're going to go, oh, I'm going to make money on this. And they're going to bring it home. And they're going to store it until their next of kin

is forced to sell it. Throw it away. Oh, yeah it away oh yeah well they're gonna sell because they've been told how much it is except they have no idea estate sale everybody else comes and then they get a discount on it just keeps going it's a cycle of nobody paying the real price so they just get kept and taking is out so no I'm teaching okay I don't have the room for that man okay deuces feel free to break in with some hobby suggestions during the show brunching. Oh Brunch that's a hobby Antiquing is a hobby my

But my wife only once a week. No, you know a true bruncher Three to four times a week my wife's father my father-in-law Beer-making okay now so that now I'm, but I've heard that if you do it wrong, you can like blow up your house. That's moonshine. Oh, okay, so don't, okay. You want to be, you could be a moonshine.

You don't want anything. I mean, you could be a bootlegger. You don't want anything with like a possible blowing up of your house. I would prefer not to. I'm open to it, like that's not a full deal breaker, but if there is a little bit safer hobby. But you don't like collecting, so all the collecting ones are out. Out, I don't care about your knick-knack,

patty-whacks. Like you could be doing collecting Lego sets, or collecting hot toys, or collecting, you know. Yeah, the Babe Ruth signed card is like, this is a piece of paper to me. Do people still bootleg? Is this around? Prohibition ended in 29, was it?

No, I know, but is there like people who are like, yeah, I'm a bootlegger. I don't think so. I don't think there's people bootlegging. Because of Moonshine? Yeah. I mean, I think people make it and no one gives a care. Yeah, but like you could drive around and pretend.

If you're selling Moonshine out of the back of your old van, you might get in trouble. Okay, so bootlegging is alive and well. Yes, Mike, this is your hobby. Okay, you got bootlegging. If you drink it all, not in trouble. Not on your own supply. Anyways, going back to drawing,

that doesn't sound fun or appealing to me. So I think I would love to, even if it was one year, I would love to be an expert at Jiu-Jitsu. You'll do that one. Do some tournaments, get some medals, have that period of time. And retire a champion. And retire a champion, absolutely.

All right, makes sense. I think we talked through that one. What's your answer, Mike? Well, I was thinking, I was trying to come up with a scheme. The moonshine is the answer. No, no, no, it's similar, but I'm coming up with a scheme of, if I'm really good at drawing, do I make all these drawings? And then I say someone I knew who made these,

and now they're gone. Because that's the only way that they're valuable. Oh, you say they were from a famous dead artist? Yes. So dying is a big part of the- Oh, that's when art's actually worth money. While you're alive, it's worth nothing. It's a dumb drawing.

Man. You can make more of those. I feel like we won't find it right now, but I feel like there is a wild would you rather question that exists around what you pass down for your family and generations versus what you get now.

So we may have to find one of those. Unless you guys just wanna quickly say what you get now. And you don't want to? you know you're saying like yeah I'll take what I get yeah that's what I think all right um no by the way one last hobby question because I've never I am 40 years old I have skied zero times uh-huh I have never have skied? I've skied about three times. Mike, have you skied? I snowboarded once and bruised my tailbone twice to a level that I could not walk for a couple weeks. There is only one time in my entire life where I know I had a concussion that was skiing. Have you not heard my ski fall story? Is this the story where you went for one last run while everybody else was staying at the lodge,

and you come stumbling in covered in head and toe in snow? Yeah, my goggles broken, and I tumbled down that hill for a long time. One ski on, one ski way up the mountain. I mean, I was brutalized. And then I remember just standing there thinking, I don't know where I am. If you have no former experience,

when you're young, of skateboarding, I bet even surfing, just any sport where you learn to balance yourself. No, I feel like, I'm just asking, can I start the hobby of skiing? Can I become a skier at 40? No. No?

Ligaments. Oh, ligaments. Yeah. It just comes pain. I love that as an answer to the question. Pain tolerance, too. But what about just cross-country skiing? Oh, sure.

Yeah, you could do that. That's called walking. Can I become a hiker? Yeah, no problem. All right. Noah from the website. Would you rather always stand in the elevator with your back to the door or always pull doors shut behind you even when you know that there are other people walking up to you?

That second one is so hard. We've talked about the nice, casual, you know, social norms of holding a door for someone. And I'm the type where it's like, I hate when I'm walking to a restaurant and I see someone far away. Because I can't do it. I can't walk in and let that door shut.

But now I've got to stand and wait for grandma over there to, like, 45 seconds later. You run into those situations, and you just stand there and you wait? I just stand and wait for grandma over there to like 45 seconds later. Do you run into those situations and you just stand there and you wait? Stand and wait. What do you do when that situation happens and the person doesn't take the social responsibility of then taking the door when they have a group of people? They walk through and they all walk past you? Oh man.

Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The social norm is I held it for you. No, you take over. The next family takes over the door. Have you had them though, where they go right through? Like I'm a permanent door holder. At that point, you start greeting each one of them

like you were there. Asking for tips. You just say, hello, welcome, enjoy your stay. Right this way, I've got this. You just follow your group. Do you hold through that family because of your obligation to the next family? Because if you're not handing to the one

that just walked right by you, then you have to hand to the next family. Personally, this is, I mean, everyone's different. If I was there and there was just, let's just say an endless line of families and no one was willing to take the door from me, they were just thanking me for holding it for them, I would die there.

That would be, I would, I'm just waiting for the restaurant to close at that point in time. All right, yeah, that does happen though. People don't take it. What was the first part of the question? The elevator, you're back to the door. That's just arms crossed, staring at people. Do they have to walk by you then?

Yeah, I mean, imagine being the person that opened the elevator, I'm going up a flight, and the door opens and someone's standing with their back just alone Just standing with their back to me. Oh, that's a good point. I didn't even think about being alone Do they get on? Would you walk on if someone is you okay being I've been waiting forever Elevator finally shows up there is a there's a man and he's got his back to me he's all alone I'm not getting in that elevator. I would say is this available? I think I would squeeze on I would wait for a second for him to turn around or acknowledge me. What if his legs were spread to to completely block the entrance?

But he said yes you can come on you just have to climb through. You have to crawl through his legs. No, thank you. Um. But he's dressed really nicely and he says he's an employee. But it would be really funny. So let's say he's just off to the side a little bit, right? He's not blocking the door at all. Okay.

He's over by the buttons, but still in the walkway a bit. Yeah. Back is to you. Let's say he's in a suit. The door opens. You wait for him to turn around, acknowledge you, or whatever, but he's not. But the rest of the elevator's empty.

So you're like, OK, I'm just going to walk past him. I walk past him and I turn around. Are you hoping this guy has a giant smile or a scowling frown? What is more, what are you expecting when you turn around? You're like, I think if I turned around and this dude had an ear to ear smile, I would run off that elevator. Yeah, I've seen that movie.

I mean, what did I walk into? I would rather him scowl and be like, because that's what I would expect, like he's just an upset guy in his own world. But then you know he's mad at you. He's not mad at me, he was mad before I got on the elevator. You have to be the guy. You get on an elevator.

You're the one that's standing in front of the door with your back. But you're going to the top floor. So every person on every floor has to walk right by you. That would be tough. Yeah. So in this, would you rather, we are the person, we are the weirdos standing with the back to the elevator door or you're pulling the door shut behind you well that one

the problem with that one is so many of those doors don't close fast well no that's why it's pulling they're like the pole wind the wind that's the point you're pulling against the the hydraulic yeah the draft of it or the hydraulics yeah you're like no you don't. Yeah, the draft of it or the hydraulics. Yeah, you're like, no, you don't get, this is the opposite of holding a door for someone. This is shutting a door on someone. This is, no, I pull, this was for me. I open it for me.

I would say, can't let the AC out when I'm doing it. I would say that over and over again. The problem there is often times when you're walking in to say a restaurant, that's the most common place I think of with door holding. Yeah is Three steps into the building you stop in a line waiting for the host to stand So you're gonna walk in here and you're gonna shut that door on someone and it's not like you can run away No, it's like they're gonna open the door and you're waiting right there in line man. I can't do that

So you're taking you're the I'm gonna be a backwards elevator guy. Yeah. Um, okay. I'm going with that too. Okay. Yeah. That the door closing one is just pretty egregious. All right, Al, are we, uh, we moving on or we got time for one more? Let's move on. All right, let's do it. What's going on spit wads. I want to talk to you about some of my I'm excited about. Finally ditching the flip-flops and the shorts and the summertime and the heat and jumping into something more, you know, the cozy winter sweaters and jackets and all that fun stuff that I picked up from Quince. Quince offers affordable, high-quality essentials for any wardrobe that includes the seasonal

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life? Is this actually happening in the society we live in? Um, I'll just, I'll just get mine out of the way. All right. This one, I actually saw this story come through when it originally happened briefly I hadn't read it But an Oklahoma judge Had to step down Because it was proven that they had sent more than 500 text messages

During a murder trial that they were the judge of. No! And the text messages were all about things happening in the trial. Oh no! About the fact that. Oh no!

For instance the. You've got texts? One of them was the fact that the, and the best part is the texts were being sent to the bailiff. This dude's so guilty. The texts were being sent to the bailiff during the trial, making fun of people with emojis included. And one of them, like the prosecutor was, quote, sweating through his coat, was one of the tweets. The other one was a text about how the defense attorney was awesome.

And can I clap for her? Look, we have done things where the three of us, or maybe more of us, we will be on a video meeting with other people. And we have definitely intentionally messaged into our work slack environment, trying to get the other person to laugh. Yeah.

Because it's inappropriate. Right. Which makes it really funny. Now it was. If you're the one who gets someone else to break while they're doing the meeting, I think that's all the judge is doing. If you're the bailiff, and you're standing there to the side. And you're the one who gets someone else to break while they're doing the meeting I think that's all the judge if you're the bailiff In there to the side and you're trying not to break your watch buzzes, you know

You get that text on your watch and you just look up and it says he's sweating through his jacket. Yeah Now the problem here is just side-eyeing you I'm not sure the Oklahoma judge would have had to step down had it been traffic court But this was a murder trial over the killing. I didn't even want to get into the details, but they were mocking the prosecutors. They were sprinkling emojis throughout the texts, and it was over 500 of them.

And it wasn't just during the trial, it was during jury selection. It was- It's just who he is. It's just who that judge is. Judge text message. Yeah, some of this stuff I can't even read, but it was like, is this real life,

the fact that you get the texting judge that's making fun of parts of your trial while you're, because they're so bored. Wow, that's crazy. And the statement, hold on, let me see if I can find the statement here. Here is the statement from the judge about the resignation. Oh great.

I promised to uphold the Constitution in a fair, even-handed, and efficient manner, the judge said in the resignation letter. I believe that I have done so. However, being human, I have also faltered. So. So you haven't done it then. So, being human.

I did everything right, but I didn't. I like the fact that being human meant I couldn't withstand the temptation to send over 500 texts. To which another prosecutor might say to that judge, there are no non-human judges. Just so you know. They're not there yet. They are all human.

That's right. And they all have to choose to not send 500 texts during a murder trial Okay, well, I'm sorry that that sorry that that's real life. That is real life I'll go next year since you had a murder trial and mine feels with deals with an unfortunate death Canadian family Receives wrong body after father died on Cuban vacation they The father goes on a vacation to Cuba unfortunately dies on the beach and

This family sucks has to spend $10,000 what to I've heard that this happens. Yeah the body $1,000 what to I've heard that this happens. Yeah the body Yep, to to to send the body from Cuba to back home You're sending a human body across the planet that can't be cheap. I leave me there Guys well they did That's the point because Other person shows up a random not just a random other person So they said no they spent ten thousand dollars have the body returned to the family however the casket arrived late last week

Containing the body of a Russian man who was at least 20 years younger Than this person unlike her father the body also had a head full of hair and tattoos. So this was like, this wasn't like, oh man, whoops. This was a totally different, not at all the right person. You know that this was a big mistake and you know that your father had died.

But when you open that casket and it's a Russian dude with tattoos, do you have a split second where you're like, maybe he's okay? Oh, yeah. Depending on what they saw beforehand, it's like, that's not my dad. You start dancing. Well, see, here's the other side of this. Like he is dead, though?

Yeah, he is dead. The other side of this, though, when I first read the article, like Canadian family receives wrong body after father died on Cuban vacation. This is not a problem for one family. This is a, there's someone else who was sick. Wait, this isn't like a swip swap, right? I don't know. Is there a body in Russia that's the dad? No, that I don't think happened. I think they said the wrong one. But the point is there's a Russian family that obviously did not receive their body.

Do you just move ahead with the funeral? Closed casket. No, no, no, no. He wanted it open. Wait, no, you can't have an open casket of the different person. You can do the bottom half open. You gotta roll with the place just his legs.

That's fair. Just a Wizard of Oz type of death. He loved these pants. Put it on. Yeah, you could dress him in the. All right. Well, that's unfortunate. I hope the Cuban government rectified that.

Yeah, let's figure that out. I don't know about that. Mine's kind of a two-part story. A little bit heartwarming here at the end. That's good. But it starts off, this is from Tacoma, Washington, back in July. And a person had to call up the police

because right around their property, there was a finger. Like a human finger. A human finger. Yeah, heartwarming, Mike. Oh, just hold on. This is so nice. Well, I just so imagine you find a- Who's the guy from Cuba?

You find a human finger, like, just chilling on your driveway. Yeah, great. I mean- I would freak out. I'm not, I mean, I think we all would, but like, I know I could put myself in that situation. I'm- What do you- I check the mailbox, I'm walking up to the door.

What's your first- What's your first scream? 100%. Okay. I see it, I would scream without a doubt. Then number two, what do you do? I'd go get Tiff. I don't know. These people called the police.

I don't know if that's my initial reason. Oh, that's what I would do. You would do? Oh yeah, the sooner the police know that I know about the finger on my front porch. I had nothing to do with this. I was like, I found a finger. Yeah, sure you didn't. Yeah, I would definitely call 911 this. I was like I say yeah sure you didn't yeah

I would definitely call 911, but I feel like I would I would incorrectly want an ambulance for For you for no, I mean someone needs an ambulance. You never miss it a finger. What's a paramedics? I found a part there was no blood around the finger, huh? You what you get you wouldn't just like keep kicking it till it's on your You wouldn't just keep kicking it until it's on your... On my neighbors land? You broom it over? Not my problem. But anyway, so this became a story in the local news.

And then the guy called in. Wait, what do you mean? The dude missing a finger? Has anyone... like a lost and found? So which kids, listen up, apparently said man was inappropriate with fireworks, blew off a finger, and he like got shot into the air. He didn't know where it went. Oh my gosh.

He didn't know where his finger went. This was a true lost and found finger. No, but he saw the story, and then he called in. He said, hey, I think that's my finger. And did it get reattached? Oh, that I don't know. Oh, OK. I don't think so.

It doesn't sound like it was on ice. It was probably a dead finger at that point. Oh, my god. But this is like you make the joke, like, oh, I lost a finger and be like, oh, where'd it go? Yeah. No, I have no idea. I lost a finger and be like oh where to go yeah no I have no idea I lost my finger Wow so what was the heartwarming part the guy guy called in the heartwarming part was the heartwarming part was that this guy

was dead found out where his finger went but I doubt it got it back it's not that our listen if we can do anything on this show, please, please, please don't play with fireworks, everybody. It is the dumbest thing you could ever do. The stories every year that we would never share are so freaking scary. Just don't do it. It's also not just exclusive to the hillbillies and rednecks and people making

dumb decisions. Like I know a fireman who has... Blown off or melted his hand. Yeah, I mean, they're like, yeah, let's just watch the fireworks. And you'd never want to do something where if someone told your story, the end of it was goofing around with fireworks. No, no, no, no. You don't want that to be where your life led to.

All right. One more break here and we're getting into the draft. Today's show is brought to you by PrizePix. PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action. With over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings, PrizePix has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. You just pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to 100 times your money. Run your game all season long on PrizePix.

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this has to be a movie where the predominant theme or Character yeah is an animal now we have included or we're allowing animated films We are but this is not about a movie where the lead character just happened to have a dog in the house So it's not about an animal the animal needs to be an important or crucial part of this movie. If someone came up to you and said, hey, what's a good animal movie I could watch? You're not saying The Wizard of Oz because Toto's in it. Right.

Yeah. All right, Mike, you get the first pick. Well, mine is not just one animal. There are three animals. They are the main characters of said story. I believe it was based on a true story, but I feel like almost every 90s movie when we were kids were like, oh yeah, no, it's...

FIFO goes west? Yeah, it's based on a true story of two dogs and a cat. The family goes somewhere else, and somehow these animals manage to find the family again. They have gone home. They have bounded home in Homeward Bound with one of the one of the one of the ultimate gotchas at the end where they they try and punch you right in the emotional face I love that you thought that you thought well it's it it like the true story part of if that's a true story I believe the story let me just tell you I'll break break the news okay if that's a true story I'm gonna check let me just tell you I'll break break the news okay if it's a true story here's the true parts they lost their

dogs and and cat and then they showed up at the house all the story of their there's no way it's not it's not even based on a true story all the things that happen in the movie are three animals they They can't account for their whereabouts to you. They didn't write a story about them crossing the river. They just showed back up at home. I literally just, as I'm trying to find my is this true life story, this happened with a cat. This just happened that the cat got lost

in one of the national parks. And the people looked for days and couldn't find it, so eventually they had to go home back to California and then the cat found them. That's insane. So like this has happened, but apparently this one, like I said, it's not based on a story. Now let me ask you this.

Don't they talk? In Homeward Bound, do they talk? Yeah. Do the animals talk in Homeward Bound? 100%. Yeah, but it's not. Not based on a true story. They talk to each other,

the humans don't understand what the animals are saying. Yeah, and there's no like lips moving and stuff. It's almost like it's not based on a true story. They talk to each other. The humans don't understand what the animals are saying. Yeah, and there's no lips moving and stuff. It's almost like it's in their head. Wait, hold on. The AI overview of the Google search says it's not based on a true story. But then down here, according to Oakland Veterinary Referral Services, the popular film, Homeward Bound,

is actually based on a true story. I don't know anymore. It's based on a true story. I don't know anymore. It's based on a true story because of the fact that a dog has been lost and found their way home before. Yeah, but this was two dogs and a cat. All the little, all the hijinks that they go through in the movie we know nothing about. Alright, my crazy. Okay, Homeward Bound.

I'm gonna go a little bit more well-known, popular, awesome. It is also coming out soon again in live action form. Taking the Lion King, man. The Lion King is, I think, the best. It already did come out, but that's fine. That was a long, long time ago. Wait, for real? There's a new Scar's ago.

There's a new Scar movie. Yeah, the Lion King is, when I think of the movies that I actually enjoy that are animal-based, that's the first thing that comes to mind. Lion King is a top I think of the movies that I actually enjoy that are animal based, that's the first thing that comes to mind. Yeah, Lion King is top tier Disney movie. It would have been on my double picks here. All right, my first one, you guys decide if it's okay. I think I have two picks that you're not gonna

want me to make. Okay. Or that you're gonna feel like don't fit the mold. All right. But I think they both do. Pet Cemetery is about animals. Yes, yes. Pick number one is Jaws. Yeah, they both do. Pet cemetery is about animals. Yes, yes. Pick number one is Jaws. Yeah, that's fine. It's on my list.

Pick number one is Jaws. One of the greatest movies ever made. Central character. Jaws. Yeah, I mean, if the name of the movie is the animal. Yeah. OK, we'll allow it. Now, my second one, I had to Google this because I'm dumb.

I had to Google, is this an animal? Oh. Wait a minute. What? This is exciting. I can't wait to find out what. And you can veto it. I'm giving you full, just quick veto it.

It's fine. Jurassic Park. Because when I Googled is, now I'm getting a nod. That's an animal movie. That's it. It is a dinosaur and animal, yes is the answer. Yeah, yeah, 100%. I mean, technically speaking, human beings are animals. Uh. Right, yeah, so, Braveheart.

La la la la la. It's about humans. Well, actually. Well, that's what my son does all the time, actually speaking. Sure, sure. I mean, to me it's the my son does all the time. Actually speaking. Sure. Sure.

I mean, to me, this is my fabulous two. And Al Borland, you're in on that? I'm in on it. All right, Jurassic Park it is. Wow. I don't like that pick, but because it's a great pick. You know what I'm saying? I'm just upset that you got it because I feel like-

Did you know dinosaurs were animals? I did know dinosaurs were animals. I'm having a hard time with knowing what an animal is today. Which is incredible. I just feel like, you know- What else? Let me just throw this out there.

If it wasn't an animal, what would you have called it? A dinosaur. Okay, that's it. I thought dinosaur might have been at the top level. Like an animal dinosaur. Genus dinosaur. Yeah, animal dinosaur. Genus dinosaur. Yeah, like dinosaur. Is this common knowledge for everybody back there?

What would you think a crocodile is? Reptile. OK, what do you think a reptile is? An animal. OK, all right. A dino animal. Dine animal. Everybody back there knew they were animals?

Yes? We got one. We got one that wasn't sure. Well, look, I'm going to gonna go kinda on the tail of that in the sense that this is not a currently living, nor ever living animal, but definitely an animal without a doubt. I'm going How to Train Your Dragon.

How to Train Your Dragon is a wonderful movie. Wait, I'm getting, wait, we're accepting Jurassic Park for not having to trade you a dragon? Literally dragons don't exist. Yeah, is there a- That's not an animal. Are there dragon fossils somewhere that I missed? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, they don't exist.

Okay, so let me ask you this. Dinosaurs exist. So you're saying a unicorn's not an animal? Correct. My Little Pony, that's not an animal, that's not a show about a girl's animals. The... I mean, that's not an animal, that's not a show about a girl's animals. I mean that's not the worst argument.

That's a decent argument. That's a good argument. You know what? These people- I think you persuaded me. They live their lives around these animals and learning how to ride them. I mean that's the, I don't know man. So you guys decided to say it.

This is why I didn't want to say Jurassic Park is because I was worried we'd go down the wrong road. I wasn't even worried that this wasn't an animal movie. It is more of an animal movie than Jurassic Park. And I think Jurassic Park was an animal movie. Yeah, that's the point. If you think of an animal movie, no one watches Jurassic Park and thinks of it as an animal movie. How to Train Your Dragon is all about the relationship between the animals and these people. It's an animal movie. How to Train Your Dragon is all about the relationship between the animals and these people. It's an animal movie.

All right, I'm gonna accept it. I'm gonna accept the judge. Okay. Great pick. Sure, man. Mike's is the only true animal movie so far. Fine, let's keep that, we'll keep it rolling. We're going 90s style.

Free Willy, baby. All right. Free Willy. I thought I'd take it later. Free Willy. I thought I'd take it later. Free Willy. I mean, how many marine biologists do we have in the world because of free will? Honestly, the end of that sea world is, is, has to be in part because of free Willy. Like our love for the orca whales. And then we saw how sad they are with their dorsal fins tipped over. And we said, we shall not stand for this anymore. It took a while, but we grew up and we got there So wait is the only also that that that Michael Jackson song that thing rips so all the other animals

That is a good song and that movie was very good and that you know animal movies were big in the 90s Yes, they were and so that's a great Pick it was on the list I've never seen it if animals what is going. Where did you grow up? Dude, I didn't like and you didn't watch my you got homework bound. Yeah, that's really this is trouble. That's trouble He was watching like I was watching Braveheart. I was watching older. He was older. He was much older So so if we if we had other animals that had dorsal fins, though, they could get out?

Is that what we're saying? No, well, there's the dorsal fin, the only thing that really, like, if a monkey's tail went sideways in captivity, we would have let it free? Well, the monkeys have a lot more space. The problem is that the orca whale is gigantic. And we're like, here's a pool. Would you expand the pool until the fin straightens out?

Hey, if we can get there. I mean, that's like a lake. You know what I mean? If you put an orca in a lake, it might be good enough. Yeah. I don't know. The lack of seawater will probably die. Well, I'm just saying Salt Lake.

Like the city. All right. Mike, you get another fit. I'm just saying Salt Lake, you know like the city All right, Mike. I'm still up here Mike Jason was about all All the whales in freshwater lakes. I'm I am going Man, I really wanted to just stay with these 90s ones just there's more there are but But you guys are over here doing weird picks. No, no, no, no. I'm coming back to where you're at.

It doesn't matter. I'm taking Zootopia. Oh, no! That was my next pick! Zootopia? So good. Is that a good movie? It's so good, man.

It's so good. It is an outstanding movie that does not get enough credit for the animated. Did they make more than one of them? Currently just the one. I don't think so. So that's surprising. They might be doing, there might be a sequel, but it's the, It's a good movie, huh?

Oh no, it's fantastic. The main characters are so good. I'm trying to think of, Who's the Fox voice? Jason Bateman? Yeah, Jason Bateman. Oh my gosh. I love Jason Bateman.

Interesting. All right, Jason, you're back up. All right, well, Zootopia was, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Was next on my list. I think it is a really underrated movie. So now I'm trying to think what is either nostalgic or classic or just popular. I've seen a lot.

Or what is the best? Because I've got three movies I'm deciding between. It's either nostalgic or classic. It's called best animal movie, so you should go with the best. Okay, well if it's called best animal movie, so you should go with the best. Well, if it's the best, then I'm going to take that next. Because it is the best animal movie. And no one's going to pick it here.

Yeah, here comes some Bigfoot movie. So I'm going to go with Finding Nemo. I'll go under the sea. That's fine. Andy, are fish animals? They're fishes. It was on my list. All right, okay.

No, I'm just trying to test your animal IQ. I have no idea if they're animals. All right, good to know. I think everything's an animal. That's what I need to remember. Are trees an animal, Andy? All trees are. What, an animal plant or mineral hmm that's what I question

it's been a long time since that has been at the forefront um all right finding Nemo would have been my next pick uh so I'm gonna go with hmm I'm gonna go with back-to-back dinosaur picks. I'm going with land before time Yeah, yeah land before time going back to the 90s. That was just That was like one of my favorite movies ever Yeah, also devastating oh devastating but I was that bloom Was that a Don bloom is that his name goodness? I don't know what you're talking about No one does.

Bluth, was it Don Bluth? Is that a writer? Sounds like it. An artist? That was the, no he's the guy who did the Your insurance salesman? Yeah, Don Bluth. Did he do Land Before Time?

Yes. Like the music? He directed it. No, he was like an animator. He got all those dinosaurs to do those things? Yeah, directed and executive, I'm sorry, it was a Spielberg produced, but yes, directed by Bluth. Yeah, but Bluth did like Secret of Nym, like no one's gonna take

it, but All Dogs Go to Heaven, Dragon's Lair, Tom Bluth did some good work. Well, I told you I was gonna get back on your level, Mike, but now I'm feeling like I might just stick where I'm at. Stick with dinosaurs. Best dinosaur movies. I would never go to any sort of like mythical but anyway Planet of the Apes is my pick. Oh that's a good one that's actually a really good one. Which one? Which one? Oh that's true. OG. Oh that oh okay so what is that 1976 or something you gotta put the year. The Heston movie? Yeah. That is. Yeah the new ones suck. I just watched the most recent one. They found their footing. Yeah, they did. They did. But I'm not choosing one of the most recent ones, no. Look, it is rare. How do you train your dragon five? You can mock all you want, but my next pick- I love that movie. I just didn't think of it as an animal movie. My next pick- Because it's about Hiccup. My next pick is a sequel. It is very rare for a sequel to be better than the original,

but this is not just better than the original. This is an all-time movie. Is it a bear movie? You darn right it is. No, no! 99% Rotten Tomatoes score. Paddington 2 is elite. Paddington 2 is so good.

It's unbelievable. And if you haven't seen Paddington 2, do. Paddington 2 is so good. It's unbelievable. And if you haven't seen Paddington 2, do yourself a favor. Tonight. Grab a book. Can you skip the first one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem. Wait, but Paddington 1.

Very good. Very, very good. Yeah, don't hear what we're not saying. Paddington 1 was not bad. Paddington 2 is just a perfect movie. It's on my list. And I was deciding my last pick. Do I go with this, or do I take Paddington 2 because

Paddington 2 people need to understand that this is like grown into the mythology of Paddington 2 has grown and it It is warranted this it's just it just you feel good when you're watching Paddington 2 I was I was I was deciding between these three movies, and you pointed to that screen and you said, take the best movie. I knew what the best movie was. I'm shocked it was on your list. I figured that could be my last pick, no problem.

I hate it when I'm the one that jumps the literal shark with my picks. My picks suck. None of them are freaking animal movies. Yeah. Just Land Before Time. Yeah, Land Before Time is an animal movie. The rest aren't. What's your final pick, mate? Are we getting a Paddington in Peru? Yeah.

January 2025. Baby. Paddington 3. When we do this draft, next time I'm taking Paddington 3, I'm sure of it. All right. You guys are so funny. All right, what's your final pick, Mike? You said you were down to two, and he took one of them. Yeah, he did. Because that was definitely an animal movie. This one's about, look, one of the main characters turns into an animal. So that is good enough for me.

Nine lives with Kevin Spacey. No, Emperor's New Groove, baby. Emperor's New Groove, when Cusco gets turned into a llama and it, Emperor's New Groove is like. Is that a good movie? Goofy movie is my favorite Disney cartoon. Emperor's New Groove is a very close second. I've not seen either one.

Oh, man, Emperor's New Groove is so funny. It's so well done. I mean, the characters in that are... It's David Spade and Goodman. That's an animal movie? Yeah, because David Spade turns into a llama. Llama face. Is that the main character?

Yeah. Yeah, and have you heard the story about that thing, Jay, where they basically recorded the whole movie without a script. What? And then once things were done, they were trying to compile a script for it. It's weird.

I don't know how that's possible, but it's hysterical. The story of how that movie got made is very wild. All right, what's on our list? What's on our leftovers here? Oh, Kung Fu Panda. That's on my list? If we were going to stick. Jungle Book. Yeah, Jungle Book. If we were going to stick. Jungle Book.

Yeah, Jungle Book. If we were going to stick with those. Milo Notice. The live ones. Oh, yeah. That was in the Homer Boundary. Yeah, yeah. But I had both White Fang and Iron Will on the list.

Iron Will, I remember that. Yeah. Charlotte's Web. Charlotte's Web for sure is on my list. Air Bud was the nostalgic, I mean, the basketball playing doll. Of course you haven't seen the good movies but you've seen Air Bud. I don't think I've ever seen Air Bud. Me neither. Or any of the sequels. It's one of my greatest features. I'm not gonna lie to you I've never seen it either. Oh okay. Never seen that. 101 Dalmatians? Is that a movie? Yeah.

Those are, dogs are animals. I had Jumanji Yeah, not an animal not an animal movie. There's just animals in it. Yeah the Meg Okay, which I wouldn't apparently be allowed to pick cuz well no Megalodon is yeah, we're fine with that. Okay, Kujo And all dogs go to heaven yeah I didn't think anyone would have it on the list. That's why I threw it out there with Bluth He did that too. I Wasn't allowed to watch that movie. Oh, no because it goes to the hell. Yeah Yep

Alright Homer bound free willy's utopia and Emperor's new groove are Mike's Jason as the Lion King how to train your dragon Finding Nemo yeah, you heard that in my voice, Paddington 2, apparently the world's greatest film, I have Jaws, Jurassic Park, Land Before Time, and Planet of the Apes, and that does it. What did we learn today? I learned that blowing out another kid's candles is very disrespectful and awkward.

You learned that. Yeah, I learned learned that today I didn't really walk through that exercise until today and then I'm like I'm not gonna do that I learned that Emperor's in the Groove is an animal movie oh man is apparently very good I learned don't get on an elevator if a man is facing backwards with a big smile well I'll never find out that'll do it for today's episode of the spitballers shout out to Al Borland and the Deucers thank you for holding it down back with another one next week goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.