Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 31: Yoda Pooping and Donut Decisions - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

Amazing life advice today on how to respond to someone trying to get into the bathroom stall you are occupying. We also explore the pitfalls of trying to protect yourself if you spoke like Yoda. Last week we had an incredibly popular draft of the most memorable TV show theme songs and there were so many that we are also doing a part two of that draft. It's another funny show that you shouldn't miss. Enjoy this episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason Welcome in. Where was the beat-up-bop-doop-a-doop? It was in my head, brother. I know. I wanted to do it.

I came in hot with the finish, right? I had the haymaker prepped, so it had to follow through. And it was just me, buck naked, with no friends to help me. Give me some pants, bro. I was too busy staring at Jason's head. Oh. So you were staring at yourself. His naked head.

And the reflection of my scalp. This is the very first Spitballers episode for Chromedome over there. Yes, please don't let that be a name. Chromedome? Have you never heard that? I've never been called that.

Fair. Fair point, Chromie. Just sitting here with me and my Chromies. Hanging with my Chromies. Oh, nice. Welcome into the Spitballers. Rolling with the Chromies. Episode 31, is that true?

That is true. I don't know. We're back again. We got a great mock draft. It'll be familiar to some of you. Sometimes we have to fix what's wrong. This is the first time ever. It is.

This is a monumental moment. Not that anything was broken. No. It's just that we needed like 10 rounds on a previous draft, so we're going part two. So are we doing six rounds this time? Yes. I don't know about that.

That won't fit on the Twitter poll. But today we have life advice. We have would you rather, and like I said, a great mock draft. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can send in your questions on Twitter. You can also send them in on Instagram, Instagram.com slash Spitballerspod. You can send in your questions on Twitter. You can also send them in on Instagram, instagram.com slash spitballerspod. And we always appreciate those iTunes,

Apple Podcast subscriptions, reviews, support. And that's all I have to say about that. You are our man's ear. What? Support? No, stop. Stop. Spitballers to the rescue.

What? Was Jason sneezing over there? Yes, I was. Thank you for pointing that out. Yes, you were. The people appreciated. They were all hearing the silence and thinking, where was Jason?

So, thank you. Soon, we'll have video and then people will say they know. You know, this was brought to our attention. People don't know what we look like that are only listeners of our Spitballers podcast because we do not have a video product. I guess if you go to SpitballersPod.com, you can see a photograph. Yes. But if you follow us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod,

we're going to start putting out little audio clips that will have our ugly faces attached. All of them will have, all of yours will have hair, though. That's true. I don't look like that right now. Complete deception. All right, life advice segment.

Have we done a life advice one lately? It's been a minute. It's been a little while. But we're here for you, as always. Chris from Twitter. When you are in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, What is the correct response to give? I've been at it.

I don't know if I can answer that question properly, but I can tell you what I've done. Let's hear what you have done. We should rotate what our past is in this situation. Yeah, because there's a gut reaction word that just... Because it's a truly fearful moment. Yes. Even though you know you locked it,

the knock means someone's going to try the door, means somebody could be walking in on you. And hold on. Hold on, hold on. There's different situations here, too you ever knocked i guess i'm no not really usually i go to try the handle i feel like i go to the stall and i go either i'm locked out or it opens it's bad on both sides because when you go to try to open it and it's locked and you're you're not the inside you go oh but wait a second i wasn't

here and then you run back to your table if you're in a restaurant act like i don't know who's trying to get in that door if you're at a house and the door is closed and not locked you might not yes that would be the situation we're like knock knock anybody there yeah i know my response and i know we're talking the correct response we're talking public bathrooms right now though oh is that the case it's whatever well there's different responses well this is here this is life advice so i think we need to talk about all situations and really you know help the people first of all anytime anybody's ever done the knock it's a very quick someone's in here it's a fearful yeah someone's here don't Don't believe that you can enter at this point. Right.

What do you say? For me, it is... Do you just make a grunt? No. I mean, sometimes when you're just scared. It's like, oh. Now, you could probably on demand let them know. I let them know with my bodily function.

Knock, knock. No. I'm not joking here. My go-to is from Forrest Gump. Can't sit here? Seats taken. That's very smooth. Do you really go to that?

Every time. That's very smooth. Seats taken. Because mine is more just the natural, innate response to any type of knock if you're behind a door. If there's knock, knock, knock, they get a, yeah? That's just what comes out of me. It's almost like you're asking for more information. So the other person is going, oh, we're starting a conversation.

Excuse me, sir, how long do you anticipate before you finish? Yeah? Yeah. I thought you were going to say, who's there? And it was a knock,knock joke that would have been even better that is now maybe that's the correct answer when they hear knock when when someone knocks on the door who's there because maybe you would let them in if they were the right person oh maybe you would let them in well you've got to know have any of you ever had

the unfortunate situation where someone has actually entered your stall? Everyone has had that, right? Everyone has had that at some point. At a public place? At a public place, no. At home, yes. I've had the unfortunate fellow employee. Oh, this is such a good story.

I mean, there was a moment where our eyes locked. Oh. I'm sitting in there. I was sitting in the very convenient oversized stall. Which we've talked about. We've discussed that. You're a terrible person. Go on.

No, I'm not terrible because there are only two stalls in there. What am I going to take? The little one? Right. No, I. This was at my work. I'm always in the big one. Double down.

Double down. And I'm always in the big one. Double down. Double down. And I'm sitting in there, and clearly there was some massive malfunction of this locking mechanism. Did you believe 100% that it was locked, or did you know there was a malfunction? Well, you know you have the little locks where they turn slightly. It's a slight turn, and it puts just a teeny little nub in there. Why is there a nub? Because apparently nub is cheap. Why are we rounding off the locking device?

This thing needs to be rigid. It is rounded off. That's the problem. It's ridiculous. It's basically, it's barely a lock. It's like if someone shakes the door, it's going to come out. If you're spending money, spend it on the lock. Let people have some privacy.

I also, throwing this out there, I really appreciate the rare floor-to-ceiling rooms. Oh, yes. Fancy. Fancy stalls. Oh, and get the dividers between the urinals, too, while you're at it. Please. But that being said, one of my fellow colleagues at work didn't, he was

not interested in investigating, knocking. There was no knocking. There was no, yeah. Well, the big stall, you can't see the feet. that's the problem the feet because you're tucked away in the corner this is a 1600 square foot stall and uh he just walks in and i'm sitting there doing my business just quietly apparently too quietly and how is how is there possibly a too quiet uh too quiet says you have not alerted i should have been loudly urinating to avoid the situation because the bathroom is public library rules uh you do not speak he walked in our eyes met oh he's there was the, the pause of utter horror for both of us, and years and years of shame.

Yeah. Did you guys, when you both got back into the office, did you ever say, hey, nice to see you again, or reference it at all? We just kind of. Did you sweep it under the rug? We left it unsaid with laughs. You bottle it up.

We just kind of looked at it. Just push it down. Push it down. Like a light switch. Turn it off. Turns out he knows me better than most now. Yeah, that's a fair point. Would you rather be the person walked in on or the person walking in on?

I am the one who walks. I would much rather be. I am the one who walks. Well done. I am the one who walks. I would much rather be. I am the one who walks. I am the one who walks. I think. But then you're the technically wouldn't that be the person at fault? Oh, in all circumstances. No, no, no.

The person on the inside is the person at fault. The locker? Oh, 100%. Because if I walk in a bathroom, like I go and I rip open the door and I go in and I have to see you doing your- Now, what if you pick the lock? Dude, whose fault is that? I'm going to go ahead and say that one's on the picker.

If you pick the lock, whoops. Well, I didn't know you were in here. What are you doing? Yeah. Sir, I see a lock. I must pick it. I am the master of lock picking. Why did you drill off the door? Why did you take the door off? I see a lock. I must pick it. I am the master of lock picking. Why did you drill off the door?

Why did you take the door off? I was in here. I kept telling you, seats taken. Just getting more and more intense. Seats taken. Please don't come in here. Someone is in here. Seats taken.

Oh, the door's off. Oh, I didn't. I couldn't hear you. So if you pick the lock, you're's off. Oh, I didn't. I couldn't hear you. So if you pick the lock, you're at fault. Yes. If you don't pick it, otherwise it's on the lock. I would much rather be the one who walks in. The one who walks.

All right, Brian from Twitter. Someone brought donuts into work today. He needs some life advice. I wish this was true. I have already had my first serving. An hour has passed as enough time passed for me to swing by for more donuts. Brian, you let an hour. I can't believe this.

You let an hour go by. Your clock is way too long. Yes, it is. I'm sitting at when it hits like three minutes. I'm sweating. I'm just like, I was going to give the company a good 15. Oh, I'm not going at three. You need to give them the initial wave.

Yep. And then you need to let a secondary wave go. And then you're clear. That's all fine and dandy. But at three minutes, I start worrying. I start worrying. Like being in an airplane, like we just experienced, where you see the line of people coming. I start going, oh, no.

There's another person. Oh, no. They're all going of people coming. I start going, oh, no, there's another person. Oh, no, they're all going to be gone. I might not get seconds. And so I'm sweating, worrying, but, I mean, an hour? What's the protocol in doing the math in your head when you're walking up on that donut, the donut tray, and saying, look, you already know if everybody gets one, there's going to be X amount left over. Can you grab two at once?

Can you do the double slice? If you you know like they bring in the two dozen and you got 18 employees of course first no you can grab two right out of the gate no yes you can oh i don't think so you can only do that if they bring in two dozen and you've got 12 employees then you know everyone can get two you can't that's I'm asking. Where the math threshold is. What if 14 employees, Jason? Wow. Would you go double? No, you can go double because-

Do I have any gluten allergies in the office? But what about the selection process? Does ACU have those? If you go double, you're picking two of your favorites right out of the gate. No one else gets to choose. I am there. Wow. Where are you?

Okay, well, hold on. What's the line? What's the line situation? There is no line. It's free. It's in the break room. I'm saying, how many people are behind me in line? You're the first one up. No, no, no, no, no, hold on. What's the line? What's the line situation? There is no line. It's free. It's in the break room. How many people are behind me in line? You're the first one up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's carry this through. You obviously saw them coming. You're second person in line. Okay. Everybody else is behind you. Eleven donuts left. You're in an unorganized but obvious line to grab a donut.

There are many people behind me? Let's say five. Let's say five people behind you. Five of the employees behind me. Okay, five. I'll only take one. Will you immediately go back? But if you're by yourself.

I'm taking two. You're taking two because no one will know. Are you getting right back in the back of the line in that one situation? If the line is five plus, yes. Yeah. Then yes. Are you eating the first donut in the line? No.

No, by the time you get to the back, that donut's gone. I eat donuts like a snake. You eat everything like a snake. You're the fastest. I out-eat most of the human race, but I don't eat as quick as you. When we go out to lunch, the three of us eat lunch together every single day. And he's a completionist. We are.

Oh, it's a clear plate every time. Everything on the plate is gone. Let me tell you what's a completionist. We are. Oh, it's a clear plate every time. Everything on the plate is gone. Let me tell you what's a bad situation. When you go to a sit-down place and they happen to bring Mike's food first. Nightmare. Oh, now we got to eat. By the time our food gets there, Mike's done, and we feel like jerks. We need a head start.

If you're in an order one at a time line, we got to be up in front of Mike. I am the Usain Bolt of lunchtime. You are the one who eats. Do you chew? Do you chew? No. Well, it depends on the food. Like I said, a donut, that's a little rodent going right down into my belly.

You probably just swallowed the mac and cheese, right? You basically drink the mac and cheese. Mac and cheese gets very minimal bites. Yeah. Did your kids ever do that where they didn't chew the mac and cheese gets very minimal bites yeah did your kids ever do that where they didn't chew the mac and cheese yes they talk about it they're like they're so impressed that they can they're like you don't even really have to chew it i'm like you're gonna choke chew your food so mike the most selfish donut eater in the office hey you snooze you lose i like jason's philosophy if there's double the donuts to people ratio.

Yeah. Then of course. Then you have to start. No. Then I'm thinking about three. Then you're thinking about three. If there's a perfect two to one ratio, I am considering the fact that there is someone in this office who will not eat a donut.

Who's gluten free and won't be touching the donut. All right. Now let's talk a little bit more difficult. Okay. They bring in one dozen donuts. There are 20 people in this office. Not everybody's getting a donut.

They bring in one dozen to a 20 person office? Yeah, they just go and get a dozen donuts. Is this a social experiment? Blood sport. It's the Belko experiment with donuts. When we were running Broken Bowl. Oh, do you cut them in half? No, when I was running Broken Bowl, it's not bad to go and get a dozen donuts and bring it in.

So you got more than a dozen employees. That's still a nice thing. No. Not if they don't all get a donut. That's a terrible thing. That's mean. It's mean-spirited of me to bring a dozen donuts? Yes. Because I imagine you sitting in the corner recording and just going, yes.

What will happen? Well, let's say you go to McDonald's, you buy like four egg McMuffins for an office of 20 and you're like, I got some extra egg McMuffins. But that's not, you don't go, they don't have a four pack on the menu. Like a dozen donuts is a thing. If you try hard enough, they do. Yeah. If a dozen donuts is a thing, but you know, you're the boss. You know, there's 20 employees.

You go, I just want 12. Maybe I'm broke. Maybe I'm just like, you know, I want to boss. You know there's 20 employees. You go, I just want 12. Maybe I'm broke. Maybe I'm just like, you know, I want to, I can't afford two dozen. If you can't bring enough for the class, don't bring any at all. Isn't that what the teachers always used to say? You're darn right. Okay, well, let's just imagine, like used to be true, that you have some absolute. All my favorites come up here.

All my favorites come up and get your donut. Some absolute horrific jerk boss who brings in one dozen for the company of 20. What an absolute jerk. Let's say that happens, and he throws it in the break room, and you go up and you grab the first one, okay? the break room, and you go up and you grab the first one, okay? In that situation, how long do you have to wait, knowing that not everybody even gets a donut,

before you're willing to be the guy that takes two? I would not take a second. I would never touch a second. So an hour goes by. An hour goes by, I don't even touch a second. There's no chance I don't touch a second. I'm giving people the whole day. That's a 30-minute. Mike's a 30-minute? I think 30 minutes is the second. There's no chance I don't touch the second. I'm giving people the whole day. That's a 30 minute.

That's Mike's a 30 minute. I think 30 minutes is the right time because my big problem with this question from the get go is if you wait an hour, I feel like that donut's starting to get stale. You've ruined your experience. You got to close the box. Maybe it's brought on plate. When you bring in your 12 donuts for your 20 person company, Jason, do you get high on your own supply? Do you take a couple before you let everybody else? Here's the problem. I did actually purchase two dozen.

I brought a dozen. I purchased two dozen. I brought 10 donuts. No. And this is true. You bought two dozen and you brought a dozen in? You're darn right. Oh, my goodness.

No, this is true. This is my go-to move, and I'm not joking. When I go to get donuts with family or for uh company or outing whatever i know i'm bringing whatever that is i'm bringing i'm buying one dozen and it's the appropriate amount i'm also adding on a few donuts because i'm not i'm not going to eat from that box but i need my donuts first and i need them now. So I will usually, I'll get a dozen donuts, and then please give me an apple fritter and a Boston cream donut. Oh, we got to have a donut draft at some point. I'm going to smoke you guys in that. Yeah, you are, because there's only one donut I like.

Mr. I need, I'm going to take two donuts. I don't even like this. What's the only donut you like? I only like a glazed donut. What a... Wow. Wow. What a loser.

You don't like a frosted... Sprinkles. With sprinkles. Classic Simpsons donut? No. I mean, I'll eat it, but I won't enjoy it. And that's the point where... Then why would you eat it?

It's not good for you. That's what I was going to say. I hate this garbage. I need three, though. And that's where we're you That's what I was going to say I hate this garbage I need three though And that's where we're at the point Where I won't even take a donut And that factors in To the reason why

If there are donuts I like I will take two What about Long John's? You don't like a Long John? A Boston Cream? Long John's are boring Boston Cream's where it's at Long John's are boring because of what?

Because there's no cream inside Because there's no cream inside. But neither do frosted donuts. But there's a hole. I don't expect I don't expect it to be filled. If there's a hole, I know the technology does not exist to fill this donut. You could take a long john

and punch a hole through the middle of it and you're cool with it. Oh, if I have had... No. The best case is a filled long john, which is a thing. Of course it is. It's just like a giant Boston cream. That's great. I used to like the ones with the frosting in them. Talk about diabetes in a...

The reason why is because there's too much bread. Like, if you're eating the Long John, there's just too much bread in the middle. It dries it out. Now, I want you to take a Long John. I want you to cut it long ways. I want you to bend that into a circle. Okay, I will do that. And then you get two it long ways. I want you to bend that into a circle. Okay, I will do that. And then you get two donuts in one.

What defines a donut? Fried bread with frosting. You sound like you're just... Puffed fry bread with frosting? You're describing fry bread. So good. I mean, that's when you brought up what has a hole in it.

I'm like, yeah, because all donuts have holes. A small fried cake of sweetened dough, typically in the shape of a ball or ring. Uh-oh. Long John, we got to have a discussion. You might be a cake. You're about to get Pluto'd out of the donut sphere. Here, doesn't it feel like you order a dozen donuts don't you feel like you're

cheating them if you get 12 long johns oh you they don't want them won't allow it they don't want you to do that no they don't allow they're like eight long johns or 12 regular donuts no here apple fritters long johns usually the cinnamon rolls they don't they don't allow it they don't wait you can get them a cinnamon roll is not a donut at all they do not allow you to put that in the dozen donuts. When you order a dozen donuts... Yes, they do. Oh, no, they don't.

Trust me. All right, Donut Con... I'm kind of an expert on this. Donut Con Assures out there. Let us know. Would you rather... All right. Would you rather...

This question or this would you rather scenario comes in from Austin on Instagram? Would you rather be tackled by an NFL linebacker or sat on by a sweaty sumo wrestler? Oh, mercy. Look, it's my thing. I need more rules here. The rules are you have no pads on. That's rule number one. All right am padless you're how far what kind of head start does the linebacker have i would say head start he's 10 so 10 yard 10 yards back yeah okay and you're trying to escape you're you're running to

the edge oh i get to actually try and avoid you get to you're gonna try to avoid but you're gonna get you're gonna get get T-boned. I understand that, but I'm saying that there are physics of there's ways to soften the blow aside from just standing there and the truck running you over. Yeah, we'll give you all of those methodologies when the linebacker in pads crushes you. Now, the sumo wrestler, what kind of a drop are we talking about? No drop. He's just sitting on you. He's sweaty, though. He can gently sit on you. He's sweaty? For how long? Not, I mean,

he's not going to kill you. You've got to spend a good... 10 seconds. No, more than that. Really? Yeah. He's not going to kill you, but you've got to spend 60 seconds underneath this man. 60 seconds? 60 seconds, okay. Alright, I'll give you the tap-out rule. 60 seconds or a tap out. Okay.

So he's got to... You got to at least survive... 30. 30. Okay. So 30 to 60 seconds. All right. I don't know why the tap out rule is there.

Well, because I don't want to die. I already told you. You're not going to die. But if I can't tap out, I can't let you know that I... This... Push the air out and I'm done. It's a new form of waterboarding.

I don't want the claustrophobia of being underneath that sweaty man. I don't want the desperate inability to move. But you know you're not going to break any bones. Sure. Well, I will break a bone. Am I wearing pads? Did we decide that? You are not.

He said no pads. And he's got helmet as well. Well, come on. He's an NFL linebacker. No, I'm just taking a stand. You got to be padded up. that you are not he said no pads and he's got helmet as well well come on he's in a come on nfl linebacker you gotta no i'm i'm just taking a stand you gotta be padded up you gotta be padded up or this is it's not even a question for me it's easy i'll take the sumo yeah because he'll kill you that's insane dude if he has a helmet on and you're not padded up you're dead there's no chance i'm taking the sumo in any situation explain look i don't know if you

guys are aware or if the listeners are aware of what the uh uniform or the pads are of a sumo wrestler but it's a g-string diaper okay i mean it's it's which i don't recommend to the new parents out there oh no please not very effective. Not very effective. No, you're going to get some. Fashionable, yes. Oh, they look fantastic, but messy as all get out. You don't want the G-string diaper, another invention. Just a volume issue. You can't really.

You're going to have to feed that baby very little. Very little if you want the fashionable G-string diaper. Change them quick. I mean. So this big 500-pound sumo. Can someone look quick i mean so this big 500 pound sumo wait can someone look up what is the weight of a suit is this are they 300 are they 500 i mean 500 is like yokozuna but i would imagine that 300 500 is like you're on a television show where it's like my 500 pound life right but you can't get up yokozuna but i don't know i mean they're supreme athletes like 325. 330.

330 is the average weight. Well, I'm looking at wrestlers. And like the actual WWF Yokozuna was 589. Oh, that's a lie. It's like, that's like saying, you know, you got to embellish. He was a big dude. Well, here's my point. Okay, so we're going with the 380.

We'll go 400. Okay. He's a big boy. Well, here's my point. Okay, so we're going with the 380? We'll go 400. Okay. He's a big boy. Round it off. When that 400-pound sumo man who has worked up a sweat and has a G-string thong on, when he sits on you, he's not sitting on you on his, you know, he's not laying down like pinning you. No, no. He's sitting on you.

That big old badonkadonk is sitting right on me, sweating for 60 to 30 to 60 seconds. What kind of calisthenics was he doing? I am really worried about bacteria issues here. That's the last of my concern at that moment.

My concern is whiplash from the linebacker. You're going to feel like you got ran over by a car. I'm definitely from the linebacker. You're going to feel like you got ran over by a car. I'm definitely taking the linebacker. 100% long-term effects if you stand there and a linebacker mauls you. No way. No way. Because if he knocks you out, it's a one-hit knock.

It's like how MMA is actually safer for the brain than boxing because you just go out. Because they put helmets and run at you from 10 yards away? Is there a concern that if you're being sat on by this large sumo wrestler, you may be absorbed by them? Oh, no. Is that how sumo wrestlers get that size? Probably.

It's a Kirby thing. That would mean he eats you. And then he takes your power. I don't think there is an example of just... He just all of a sudden gets a big beard. That's like the... What are those? The Russian eggs?

Nesting dolls. Is that what they're called? Yes, they are, actually. Why do you know that? I'm the collector, get off. Don't worry about it. Would you rather... I think we've exhausted that one.

What is your final vote, by the way? I'm going... I'm going to take the linebacker. I'm definitely going linebacker because our other podcast, Fantasy Footballers, we talk a lot of football. We love the NFL. There is a part of me that actually wants to experience it. If I was patted up.

You want that for the viral nature of that tweet? I'll get a video. If I was patted up, I would let myself get tackled once because I want to know. I would love to know that. Let's do it. All right. Would you rather every decision in your life have to be

made by a complete stranger or by a magic 8-ball? Is it a new stranger every time? Yes. Yeah, they don't know. In luck of the draw, you might get a nice person. You might get me. I'm going to choose very simply to believe

that my luck with humanity is better than that of a magic eight ball. That's a mistake. To give me. That's a mistake. To bend these decisions the right direction for me. Your highs will be higher, but your lows will be lower. A magic eight ball cannot direct you to creatively bad decisions. to creatively bad decisions.

They're just, you're coming up with the answers or the questions for the Magic 8-Ball, and the answers are yes or no. But when you ask a question... I mean, we can give it a shot. Okay. I mean, you can throw out a live question. I can roll the 8-Ball for you. I feel like if I was the 8-Ball,

I would feel like Two-Face from Batman. Oh. And there's a little bit of a lure there. It's a little bit cool. Every decision I walk up to, I'm like, should I hug my friend? Okay. So there's the question. It's murky.

No. Should I hug my friend? Okay. Well, I just did. Should Jason have another child? As I see it, yes. Wow. That's a problem. What was your question, Mike? Should I hug my

friend? So you're really asking this eight ball everything. Yeah. Should I hug my friend? See, you have something to blame in these situations. The result, by the way, concentrate and ask again. That's the problem with the eight ball. They give you a lot of that ask me twice nonsense. That's great, though.

Here's the problem. Now ask a stranger, Mike. Ask the same question to a stranger. Should I hug my friend? Nah, pinch his butt. What do you got to do now? Oh, no. You see what I'm saying? People can be creative and hurt you. Should I pinch my

friend's butt? Maybe the 8- eight ball will agree. I don't know. I mean, signs point to yes. Uh-oh. How long is your life expectancy if a complete stranger's, because you're going to run into the guy, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, didn't get coffee, just things are terrible. Yeah, but that person's never going to say, don't take your medicine in the morning.

No, no. Then Magic 8-Ball's going to be a 50-50 shot on your prescription. No, but he's going to go, ah, nah, just drive off a cliff. No, who does that? That guy. Ah, that guy. Because he didn't have coffee, Andy. I mean, imagine you didn't have coffee and someone was like,

should I drive off a cliff? No, you don't even ask that question. He just asked, should he wake up in the morning or something like that. And he goes, ah I drive off a cliff? No, you don't even ask that question. He just asked, should he wake up in the morning or something like that? And he goes, drive off a cliff. Yeah, what should I do right now? Are there old curmudgeons just waiting for a chance to tell people to drive off a cliff? Oh, I think based on your last airplane flight. The lady you sat next to on the airplane.

Yeah. You think she's not throwing that out there? She wants you to jump off a cliff? Yeah. And go play in traffic. Go jump off a bridge. And then you have to play in traffic. You have there. She wants you to jump off a cliff? Yeah. And go play in traffic. Go jump off a bridge. And then you have to play in traffic. You have to.

You're obedient to... And there is not a play in traffic option on an Imagic 8-Ball. Exactly. So I'm going to take the Magic. That's a good point. I'm taking the 8-Ball. Because I can decide the decisions. It's safer.

And I don't have to rely on the... In either case, you can blame everything that happens on something else. Yes. At least if you take the people. You could actually have the kindness of strangers, which is a beautiful thing. What a world. Would you rather talk like Yoda or breathe like Darth Vader? Oh, man. Talk like Yoda, breathe like Darth Vader.

So the problem with breathing like Darth Vader is it's always. It's at all times. Darth Vader. So the problem with breathing like Darth Vader is it's always. It's at all times. You're in the movie theater, and everyone is really upset at you because through the whole movie, I'm sorry. Sir, can you? It's how I breathe.

I mean, that would... Yeah, but imagine if you have to go try to order popcorn like Yoda. Talking like Yoda is... Oh, no thank you. I can't handle it, man. I can't handle the people that do the Yoda joke. It's tired. It's worn out.

I would much rather hang out with my Darth Vader asthmatic friend. You think maybe if he just gets an inhaler, it's all going to be okay? Do people with emphysema go to movies? I think they're allowed. I think that there's no rules against that. They're still quieter, right? Because they have the tubes that just do the psst. Oh, is that how that works?

I don't know. I'm making things up over here. I'm a doctor. Honestly, I was just agreeing with the question of like you know yes and but i thought emphysema was like a skin rash no nope no that's in the law all right i see uh i see our producer shaking his head no being like you're an idiot and it's not just yoda where you're talking in riddles you also have that that's your voice now you have to start every sentence with annoying.

I am hungry. How creepy single I will forever be. How creepy is it? Yeah. Can I take your order? Yeah, you're done. You're so my order. You can take.

Now, what if you just got one of those... It's over. What if you got one of those Yoda beanies, right, to where you're wearing the Yoda cap... You have to live in Disneyland. You have no choice. You live in Disneyland. You live around Star Wars. You're there forever.

Let me ask this question. Can I take a picture with you, Yoda? Pictures I will take. Are there people... You know how hardcore some Star Wars fans are, right? Oh, man. I am quickly seeing how bad Yoda would be. I haven't got a question.

Within like a week. I have not got a question out, and I'm already wanting to slap both of you. I was just going to say, do you think there are Star Wars fans that would like it? They would be like, this is my Yoda friend. And they would love being around you. No. For a day. They'd think it's cool at first.

And they'd want to kill you. I would. They'd want to kill you. I just like the grunts. That's the sound on the other end of the knocking when they're in the bathroom. Is he taken? Come in here, you must not. And then it's in the middle of the sentence.

Oh, come in here. Oh, you said come in. You must not. And then the doors open and the knot comes out. Oh, so many mistakes will happen. Oh, man. I'm taking Darth Vader. Yoda is getting walked in on in every bathroom situation.

I'm taking Darth Vader. Oh. The Spitballers Draft. That's a problem. Okay, we've decided that after the 483 comments to our theme song mock draft on the last episode. The most memorable theme song. Yes, most memorable. Thank you, Jason.

Yeah. And it was misposted, right? Shout out to that loser who posted, whoever that is out there in the ether, just a giant loser, who posted the poll and said, best TV theme song. It was supposed to be most memorable, which is why I lost. Now, there were so many people that replied with what they consider to be obvious, obvious better choices than the 12 we chose. Well, we're going to do it again.

Here's the thing. When we finished that draft, I knew there were a hundred more theme songs I wanted. So we're going to go again. Here is what is off the table. And I'm not going to, if you're a new listener. This is part two. This is not a redo. This is part two.

So you cannot draft what you drafted in the first one. Cannot draft. So I'm going to say this in a random order so that you don't know who drafted what. If you're a new listener to the show, number one, thank you for listening to the show. Oh, you've got a great idea. Number two, you're going to get spoiled on last episode so go back pause this show right now go back to episode 30 yes listen to that and then come back and and then this will you'll know exactly where we stand all right all right your warning is gone as a reminder here are the theme songs tv

theme songs that we cannot draft we cannot draft draft MASH, Batman, The Simpsons, Cheers, Game of Thrones, Home Improvement, The Brady Bunch, Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Gilligan's Island, Mission Impossible, or The Twilight Zone. So with those being said, if you're out there going like, why isn't nobody taking Fresh Prince? Because we did. Alright, so I believe Jason actually gets to start this draft off. I do, and I'm

very unhappy with that. With the number one pick. I am very, very unhappy with that because there are so many that I want and I feel like there's like four first pick worthy choices.

Well, you're just going to have to hope I screw it up. Yeah, and you will. Look, oh, mercy. Already off the bat, I'm having a hard time. You are tilting. I'm tilting from the get. I am going to take the theme song that I think is probably the most known that was not taken, just the clear 101.

You think of a clapping right away that's what i this is what i would have done i'm going friends yeah it's high timeless classic the reason i didn't take it i i didn't really watch friends that much but that's a testament to i thought you were going to take One Punch Man. One punch! No, that one, not quite as memorable to most people. But yeah, Friends. All right, you're going with Friends? That's good. It's a great song. All right, so now I need to make a pick?

That is correct. Oh, goodness. All right. Man. Now you're tilting. It's tough. I'm not tiltingting i just know that mike has two picks next oh it's great and i'm trying to decide whether i want to i'm being strategic here this is how you this is how you win a draft i have one that i would rather take but i think i have two that these guys won't draft that belong there so but i think mike will take this one oh um i'm gonna go with

teenage mutant ninja turtles you are correct i was 100 going to take that one all right that was i should have taken that over home improvement i'm a little upset because i had a cartoon corner coming here on the ground uh i know. Because I'm taking DuckTales. Yeah. That was a great choice. Because that was an egregious mistake by me. As much as I like Gilligan's Island from the last draft, I mean, DuckTales is just so quality.

And then I'm going to – and remember, we're talking most memorable. Most memorable. Okay. Nice reminder. Well, because you got most memorable. Most memorable. Okay, nice reminder. Well, because you've got to set the table correctly. But he's not even reminding the people. He's just reminding the person posting the tweet. Yes.

Loser. So, so far, Jason, friends, I took Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mike has DuckTales. I'm taking DuckTales. Your second pick is? The one I was going to take at the very end of the last draft. So I'm going to grab it while I can. I'm going to take Jeopardy.

All right. Jeopardy it is. For Mike, you got DuckTales and Jeopardy. It's back to me. Again, trying to be strategic what I think Jason will pass on. Because Jason has two picks. I think there is a clear one for you that I'm going to take. I'm going to take. I'm going to take...

Oh! Oh, okay. All right. That makes sense because you were such a fan of the show. Seinfeld. Seinfeld and that ever memorable... I didn't think you would take it just yet. Because I don't think...

I think Jason would not have taken that. I can confirm that I would not have taken it because... That's a poor draft decision. I don't think that is as memorable as some of the others available. Not that it's not memorable. And I didn't watch the show, which, you know, not to discredit the show at all. It was an amazing show. You were the one that didn't.

Yeah, the one person in America. Yes, I was the guy that didn't. So far, you've just only admitted that you never watched Friends or Seinfeld, so you're well-rounded. Yeah, that's true. But you were really, really in on Home Improvement. We know that. It is. You can see

what I watched. Okay, so... You got two picks, and maybe I made a mistake. I want to see if these two get back to me. How many rounds are you going? Because I have so many of them. The normal four. Oh, that's so stupid. How about I get six? No? All right.

You get six. We get four? Yes, exactly. I want two more than that. Let's see here. So DuckTales, Friends, Seinfeld, all off the list. Correct. I have a list of about eight that I am thrilled to pick between.

I think I'm going to start with one that I didn't see many people bringing this up as a miss. But when I saw it, I was like, oh. I like where this is going. Me too. Me too. What do you got? He stopped talking because he's second guessing himself. Oh, don't chicken out now.

I am second guessing myself. Don't don't chicken out now. I am second guessing myself. Don't chicken out now, man. Lean in. Come on. I'm going to go with Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Oh, that's a cop. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?

You got to give the name of the show. Cops. I mean, Cops was fantastic. I mean, that is one where everybody wants to see it. No, I didn't watch Cops, but I knew the song from the movie Bad Boys. I know there was... Cops is the show you watch when you're flipping through, and then all of a sudden you catch them right in the middle of a good one.

I realize there's a billion people who watch Cops. I just never did. You know, someone did suggest we could have done exclusive cartoon-themed songs. Yeah, we could have done a whole draft there. I'm winning. So, Jason, you get one more. You got Friends and Cops. I got Friends and Cops.

That's a strange combination. Maybe they're cop friends. Maybe they're both on the force. I should go Hawaii Five-0, but I won't. I am debating between what I think is a more memorable one or, again, one of my favorites. So I'm going to go with my favorite, and I'm going to what I think is a more memorable one or, again, one of my favorites. So I'm going to go with my favorite. And I'm going to take The Office.

Yeah, that's what I thought Andy was going to take. I watched The Office last night. It's one of the greatest shows of all time with a great intro song. I'm surprised you've seen it. So, Jason, you've got Friends, Cops, The Office. Back to me, I have Teenage Mutant got Friends Cops The Office Back to me I have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles And Seinfeld and I am Going with

The X-Files The X-Files very memorable Not bad Not bad Whistling into a microphone not the best Well you leave it to the professionals Well you can handle it. So, Mike.

That puts me on the board. You've got your last two. Your last two. Oh, man. This is tough. Like Jason, I have quite a few options here. All right, I'm going to go. here. Alright, I'm going to go Look, when

MC Hammer covers your theme song, you know that people are going to remember it. And yet I don't know. That's the point because people don't remember this, but it's the song that made Snappin' cool. It's

The Addams Family. Oh family oh okay is that right oh there it is okay well i'm just saying it must not be that memorable uh it clearly is memorable don't try and sabotage my pick all right i'm taking the adams family and man I'm really really torn between two picks here because I think that neither and I think neither one of them will actually be taken by you so I'll talk about the other one I guess when the draft ends

but there is a place and the question was frequently asked can you tell me how to get how to get to Sesame Street? Sure, yeah. Because it's a sunny day. I would not have taken it.

I know, but it's a solid pick. So I'm going with Sesame Street. So I got DuckTales, Jeopardy, Sesame Street, and The Addams Family. All right, my final pick. I have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Seinfeld, The X-Files. And I'm going to go with this one because I need to go back to a classic on my final one. I know what you're taking. And it fits with the show.

So come and knock on my door. No! Oh, no! I'll be waiting for you. No! That's a solid pick. That was the pick I was just sitting on. Three's Company.

You were waiting to hammer? Yeah. Three's Company. You thought I was going to Andy Griffith. I was saying were waiting to hammer? Yeah, I mean, I... Three's Company. You thought I was going Andy Griffith. I even sang it earlier in this show, and I thought it would come back to me. No, I thought you were going Happy Days. I thought you were going Happy Days. I'll be waiting for you.

I agree, but that, I mean, that's more on... I thought he was going Andy Griffith, talking about the whistling. Oh, man. Sorry, Three's Company. That's a... Eat it. I like it. Eat it.

I want to be Smirch, at pick, but that is great. I mean, that song just epitomizes. It drips with swinger sleaze. I'll be waiting for you. I mean, yeah. All right. I'll be waiting for you I mean I love being on the last pick in this one because my goodness

the A team is out there Law and Order, SVU is great Spongebob Happy Days Family Matters is just oh my goodness there's so many and and so i'm going

three's company i'm gonna say i'm gonna take what i want i'm going with three's company no um i guess so i just laid it out you got no idea you just laid a bunch out there trying to get some reactions i laid it out there seeing if there was ever a home improvement too. If only. If only there could ever be something quite as good as that. I'm going to go. Oh, man. Do I go votes? You get nothing in a minute.

I think I'm going to go for the votes. Your theme song does not relate to people not making decisions. I ain't letting you dominate. You don't get that. Oh, my God. Make a pick, man. I don't know all of the lyrics. I don't know all of the lyrics of this.

Then it's not memorable. Oh, it's very memorable. Because I don't know what the words are when it says, What's the next words? You didn't say any words to start. Look, we got people in the studio audience here. They know what it is. What?

Pick it. I just did. I just did, and everybody listening knows what I picked, except for the two people. SpongeBob? Yes. Okay. SpongeBob SquarePants.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea, Jason? Yeah, those are the words. Well, SpongeBob SquarePants is the answer to that question. Okay. We got that. Absorbent and yellow and porous as he. Like, nobody knows that it's absorbent and yellow. Of course I was.

The thing about SpongeBob is I missed it. Like, I was too old for SpongeBob. Yeah, I did too. And then my kids were too old for SpongeBob. Yeah, I did too. And then my kids were too young for SpongeBob. Right. That is true of all three of us. I have completely missed it. But yet I know this theme song.

Jason had Friends, Cops, The Office, and SpongeBob. Mike has DuckTales, Jeopardy!, Adam's Family, and Sesame Street. And I have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Seinfeld, X-Files, and Three's Company in the part two. Now, listen, Golden Girls fans out there, I'm sorry. Get out of my life, Golden Girls fans. You can be part of episode three in the distant future. No, I will not even take it then.

Andy Griffith, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. The other one I was- Knight Rider, I apologize. I thought about closing with Chip and Dale just so I could book in with some cartoons. Lamb Shop fans out there. I'm sorry. I'm surprised you didn't take Darkwing Duck.

Yeah. Bonanza. Sorry. Yeah, look, there's just so many good ones. You know, I don't even know what this show is, but one of the ones I saw the most... So this will... I'm sure a lot of people are going to go, what? You don't know what this show is?

How did you never go Animaniacs in two days? Oh my gosh! How did I not go Animaniacs? Wow? How did you never go Animaniacs in two days? Oh, my gosh! How did I not go Animaniacs? Wow. How did I not go Animaniacs? You were so disappointed after we recorded the last show. Yeah, it could have gone prices right. Which, I don't know why you would say that.

What are you talking about? You missed on one of our other shows, Mike. Jason was now compared to another cartoon character with a wonderful theme song. Oh my goodness, with this stupid shaved head. He has a good theme song? No, he doesn't have a good theme song.

He doesn't have a good anything. He's a loser. He posts our Twitter polls. What'd you learn today, guys? What'd you learn? I learned that Mike has the worst donut opinions of all time. He thinks the only good donut is a glazed one. I learned that I would

never be friends with Yoda for more than a day. I learned Yoda will get busted in on when he is dropping a doobie. Come in, you shall not do. I will not. Alright, that's it for the spitballers make sure you continue make sure you subscribe we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast

to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a Spitwad. We appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes.