Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 310: The Brain King & Things We'd Like To Be Famous For - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

On this episode, we discuss working in a doggy daycare, having a pet otter, and some fun facts about sloth dookie. We also share some unbelievable news stories in ‘Is This Real Life?’. We wrap it up with a draft of things we would like to be famous for. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's up, Spitwads? It's that time of year, the holiday's quickly approaching. Maybe you're stressing out about gift shopping, or maybe you're like me. You've got kids that are at that age where you know what that request is going to be. They want that phone, they want that technology, but they'd love it, but it gives you pause. We were in this exact same boat with our youngest kid. We want them to be able to have the flexibility to call us, to text us. When she goes to softball, I want her to be able to call us if she needed to get picked up early. But at the same time, having a smartphone, it gives you pause. And so I'm excited to tell you about Gab. Gab is the leader in safe phones and watches for kids, teens, and

tweens. There are not social media apps on there. There's not an internet browser. And Gab, they were built, these devices from the ground up for kids and teens that, you know, they want to let them stay connected, but stay safe. And that was really, really important to us. She's got access to the music app so they can stream clean music and other apps that we approve and you get unlimited talk and text. So I'm a big fan. I think it's a must have for your young kids. If you're ready to make that step and you can do it right now because Gab is offering huge discounts on their phones and watches. The best part, there's no contract at all.

No contract required. Just go to gab.com slash ballers to get started. That's Gab, spelled G-A-B-B dot com slash ballers. Gab dot com slash ballers. Terms and conditions apply. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy Mike and Jason Okay, there we go there we go all right

We got there. I tried to use my phone Well, you did very successful Welcome in one and all to the spitballers episode 310 Welcome in one and all to the spitballers episode 310 I'm gonna tell you a story guys. I I bought a new belt Okay, and What was the hold on hold on he's the backstory what it what's wrong with the old belt? It's just been a long long time. Okay worn down, and it's just an old belt. It still fits. Yes, okay That was the question. I mean like, what's the cause?

Belts have this built-in mechanism, these little holes. And you can move them around so it's like fatter, skinnier, whatever. But I wanted a new belt, and there's this hot new belt. Oh, it's like the one? And it like, uh. There's a hot belt?

And it's sweeping the nation? It's really nice. It just clasps, unclasps. But you pre- Like a seat belt? You preset it to like your size. OK. So it's sweeping the nation it's really nice it just clasped unclasped but like a seat belt you preset it to like your size okay so it's got a little yeah it's kind of like a seat belt it's got a little bit of small amount of stretch to it right a really small amount all right but it's a it's a nice belt but when you preset your belt size yeah pre eating this if you preset your belt size. Yeah, pre-eating.

If you preset, I mean, because it's not quick to adjust. You just adjust it to where you want it. Right. And it takes a little time. And then you wear this belt, and then you eat food at different amounts of time during the day. And it's like a warning system. Boop, boop.

You ate too much ice cream after lunch. Yeah, I mean, there are plenty of times where the pants fit. The pants fit fine. And then those same pants is like, oh, that button's got to go. That button's got to come undone. So it's red alerting me right now, because I had a little ice cream at lunch.

Why don't you just give it a little click? Push that seat belt button in. Relax, brother. You want me to take it? Eject. Yeah, just eject. Eject that belly. Oh. There it goes. Belser. Such, you know. You want me to take it? Yeah, just eject that belly. There it is. Belt sir. Such a good idea. Now, do your pants require that belt? Yeah. So the pants

don't fit. Is that your interpretation of that? Oh for sure. Yeah, belts are fashion. Belts are not supposed to keep your pants on. If belts are keeping your pants on, your pants are the wrong size. Well, I mean, I don't know about that. Because sometimes you just want it to fit a little bit nicer. I mean, the pants fit, but it's a little bit loose. Like, I feel like they'll slide down. Just a little bit. If you were on a trampoline.

I could live the day without it. Would those pants come down? Ooh, the trampoline test. I mean, the trampoline test I could live the day without it. Would those pants come down? Who are the trampoline tests? I mean the trampoline test is ridiculous and maybe. I'm talking one of the small personal trampolines where you're doing quick bounces. No, they're not gonna show off any of the goods. They're just gonna slip. Okay, well I mean would my pants slip? Not all the way down. Not all the way down. Just like you're saggy. Okay, you're a cool kid from from grade school. Just belt early. Wasn't that the greatest trend ever? What sagging? Yeah it's just like I'm too

cool I'm too cool for my pants to fit. There was definitely a period of time where the sagging got out of control like way out of control where it was like it was below your knees. It was below your butt. It was below your butt. Oh, yeah. I mean, it was like, wait, I see all of your underwear and some leg in your pants. The fashion that infringes movement is very comedic to me. It's just like, I want to look so cool that I am uncomfortable. Like a belt.

Yeah. Yeah. You just had to eject. I thought this was more practical. It wasn't for the fashion. I don't show off my belt all the time. I'm not a big tuck in the shirt guy. Yeah, so you don't need to wear a belt unless your pants don't

fit. I think belts are silly. You don't wear belts ever? No. You can't put a belt on sweatpants, guys. OK, that's fair. Would you rather is this real life, and we are drafting things you'd like to be famous for,

like inventing a really cool belt. Oh, yeah. That's what we're drafting on today's show. You can follow us at SpitballersPod. Thank you for subscribing, following the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening. And thank you, of course, for telling your friends and family about this podcast.

New episodes every week. We appreciate you. ["Would You Rather?" by The River playing in background.] Would you rather? Van over on X says, would you rather work three- Down by the River. Yeah, would you rather work three hours per day at a children's daycare, or six hours per day at a children's daycare

or six hours per day at a doggy daycare. OK. I think we went with a good time ratio here, because I would much rather be hanging out with dogs all day. I think you're wrong. What? So I love dogs. You know I'm a dog person.

Love dogs. I take my'm a dog purr. Love dogs. I take my dogs to the groomer. They're golden doodles, so they don't shed. They've got to be groomed. They've got to get haircuts. Yeah, they've got to get haircuts. And when I go in there, there's all these cute dogs. It's like a cageless groomer.

And there's all these wonderfully cute dogs. It's awesome. Love seeing them. My dog enjoys it. But every now and then, including the last time I just went into this place, this was like two weeks ago, there was a yapper. Oh, yeah.

Oh my gosh. I mean, these people had to work, and this dog didn't stop. It's just, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, forever. That's real bad argh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh then follow it up with, you said sometimes there's the yapper. Mm-hmm. I would venture a guess here at Children's Daycare. There is always a crier at all points of the day. One, you can't kick a kid. Right. Right.

Well, yeah. Maybe. You can't kick a kid, whereas legally, no. No, I know what you're saying. You're saying there's cameras. I'm joking. Right, so yeah. The cameras went up for a split second.

It's funny, because I feel like- Cut back to child flying through air. I feel like there's a lot of people whose immediate reaction would be they'd much rather do the doggie daycare if you're like a six out of 10 or higher on the dog person meter. I just feel like people love- that's why they go to dog parks. They like seeing other dogs and puppies. And I'm a dog guy. And I'm going to bring my dog person meter. I just feel like people love, that's why they go to dog parks, they like seeing other dogs and puppies,

and I'm a dog guy, and I'm gonna bring my dog with me. Yeah. Well, and the best part is, I'm like a five out of 10 dog person, so I would not choose the dog one. But the doggy daycare, it's not a groomer. This is gonna be, you're just playing with dogs, keeping them entertained, maybe take them for a walk.

That's true. There is some good there. Also, on the bad side of the children is, and I'm gonna assume here we're past diapers. We're not doing that. This is... I don't know. Most daycares, I don't think we would be

changing diapers at a daycare if we weren't there. Probably past diapers. I don't know that you're past accidents though. No, you're not past accidents. No, that's fair. Although 100% of these dogs will have accidents. Well, it's more of a purpose. The germs?

OK. Yeah. You're going to get sicker at the daycare in three hours than you will from the dogs. No, I don't catch fleas or dog diseases. No, no you don't. You have worms though. What happens at a doggy daycare where, let's say,

how many dogs? Give me an amount. 20. 20 dogs. Where are they pooping? Do they know where to poop at a daycare? Like you bring 20 dogs to a daycare and if you just let them be, even if they were all potty trained at home,

what happens to their poop? The, I- What's the poop count? I would venture to guess that most dogs, like once a dog is potty trained, like it doesn't want to go there. If it takes a dump in the play area, it's like this dog had to go. You didn't let the dog go out. I mean, there's got to be a potty area, right?

Yeah, well, for sure there's a potty area. If there's not a potty area, I mean, that's pure anarchy. There is not one doggy daycare place in the world that does not have a potty area. But the nice thing is that that potty area, that is prime pottying area, because all the smells of all these different dogs. Those dogs are gonna want. So you're saying you can go out there too? Is that what I don't know?

I'm saying the dogs are clearly gonna go to the bathroom. That's also how I run my daycare that way. A potty area, yeah. There's a potty area. It's outdoor, it's a piece of turf. Yeah um you're right I mean the first thing I thought of was you're gonna get sick easily in three hours from all those kids. But it's half the time for the daycare. Three hours. So Al is this like this is your job now? Is that basically the the premise you're like

nine to five but you're working every day at three hours or six hours? Correct. Yeah I'm doing the kid one. Yeah I'm doing the kid one as well. Guess how You're like nine to four not nine to five, but you're working every day at three hours or six hours, correct? Yeah, I'm doing the kid one. Yeah, I'm doing the kid Guess guess how many episodes of TV that is three. Yeah. Yeah and guess how many more episodes of TV you get versus the dogs Three more or one showing of Dunkirk to the kids if you need to calm them down I actually would I would choose the scare them straight I would choose the kids straight up and I do like dogs, but I love kids. I I enjoy Like I've never you know, I've been in situations

It's not my job but situations where I'm taking care of a group of kids for a couple hours. I've never not enjoyed it So even though I know that this was set up to be like, oh, that would be the worst, I don't think I'd mind it. I agree that it would be the worst. But it's three hours. I can, three hours is, that's no problem. If you bump, if it's four or six. There's a snack in there, get the snack.

Nap time snack and TV. Oh, I'm taking a juice box too. Oh yeah, what? Of course. Yeah, you do get in on the snack. Who doesn't want a juice box? too. Oh, yeah, what of course? Yeah, you know this max orange slice for you orange slice for me Every kid yes every kid gets one one and then they just get in the line you said sir Your vitamin C is off the charts. You are enough from patreon writes in would you rather have a sloth for a pet? Or an otter for a pet? You know, I get a little bit, and this is not,

I mean, I'm not proud of this. I get the beaver otter world a little confused. Yeah, ferret. From, ferret. Ferret? Yeah, ferrets are, they're like otters, man. They're like land otters. Oh, yeah, but you can't get those two confused.

Well, the shape. What, they're long, skinny rodents. Yeah. Are they rodents? Have they ever got a bratwurst and a hot dog confused? Oh, yeah, but you can't get those two confused. Well the shape what their long skinny Rodents yeah, I got a bratwurst and a hot dog confused other mammals, right? Yeah, but one is on land and one is in the ocean. That's why I call them land otters But you that's fine. I say they look otter versus I'm just saying it right you cannot possibly confuse a Land animal and a and a sea animal. Well they don't stay permanently in the water. They come out.

Okay, so two things. One, I can... So if I removed water from the equation I just had the freedom in a room. And the two animals are just in a room, you'd be like, I know which is which. Okay, let me tell you two things. One, first, 100%. Two, two, the reason why is because I confuse otters and seals.

And after Googling otters, that's a lot, it's much more similar than I thought to a fair because a seal This whole time you were at the the premise of it's a seal I thought maybe it was a little smaller than a seal, but like pretty much a seal So I'm looking at so much more. I'm looking at the chart of daughters are so cute I'm looking at the chart of weasel like creatures here and they're not far apart. Otters and weasels and ferrets are right next to each other on this chart of... Yeah, because they're the same thing. It's the same chart where badgers are in that chart.

We don't need no stinking badgers. The top of it is the skunk family. Do otters stink like ferrets? Nothing stinks like a ferret. They're always washed off. Yeah, I was gonna say, they take a dip. That's like a little mini bath all the time. They're hopping in that water, they get out.

You're not gonna stink more after doing that. Ferrets? Wait, or will you? Yeah, I don't know. A wet dog. Why does a dog smell so bad when it's wet? Like, I can have a dog that doesn't stink, is not stinky, it just, I mean, is fine.

And then all of a sudden you put water on top of that dog and it is outrageously appalling, the scent of a wet dog. Wet dog's pretty bad. So could that happen to an otter? I don't know. I don't know if the fur is the same, you know, the coat. But listen, let's be clear about something. Ferrets smell horrible.

Ferrets were, they were created when someone pooped them out. That's what it was. Somebody pooped. The first ferret was like a dump from a bigger animal It was a bigger animal that dumped a ferret out and then started running around could have been a seal So I've got I've got two pieces of information here on otters First yes otters have a strong odor and can be smelly okay? So let's factor that in maybe all the weasels are smelly. But fact two, when investigating the scent of otters, the problems, and the smells,

Otter poop, also known as Spraint's. Okay. Yeah, Spraint. I took a Spraint? Yeah. Spraint's my ankle. You can't take a Spraint because you're not an otter, but an otter can take a Spraint and that's its poop. Don't tell me what I can do. Has a strong odor that some say smells like violets or jasmine tea. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. If you smell like poop to begin with your poop comes out smelling good if you smell good to begin with your poop smells bad. Yeah you like. My man's got the good smelling poops. They got the flowery spraints. So you're hoping just to be clear you got a pet otter you're hoping they take a dump. So it smells better. So it smells hoping just to be clear you got a pet otter you're hoping

they take a dump so it smells better so it smells better in your house. Did you just make some jasmine tea? No that's my otter man he just took a dump. That's my otter. He just pooped in your bed. You're welcome. I find this very difficult. Dude it's a Sprint a sprains. Oh my gosh. It's the best cologne name ever sprains Smells like lavender like violent. I love Jasmine tea. Oh, they may come from their diet of fish crab and other seafood I Wonder if I ate more seafood. I don't I'm gonna try it out, man I don't think if you lived exclusively off those things that it would change the aroma of your dump Only one way to find out my science. So this is otters versus sloths who are

Adorably. Oh man a slot. I might have one now I would never know like if you have a slot, you don't know that's Is it the sloth in a stuffed animal? Is there a difference between them? Like it sits there? They're awesome. They are so cute. And they make no sense as an animal. You're telling me this thing is out in the wild and there's a predator that wants to eat a sloth and the sloth's like, you can't catch me. People that want to argue for or against evolution. I mean, the argument is sloths.

There's no way this thing has evolved to a point where it has survived. Like that was just put there because how could anything that wants to, how could it exist? It is literally in a jungle full of things that will kill it. And God's like, yeah, throw one of these in there. It won't be moving. It won't be moving.

I don't understand how they're alive. But I have an update on sloth smells. Oh, they got to be smelly. No. Sloths are not stinky. In fact, they don't have a strong odor at all. They can't sweat because they don't build up a sweat. Sloths have evolved to avoid being detected by predators by not sweating and instead smelling like the jungle.

So all the other animals supposedly evolved to sprinting, running, evading and they're like nah. Well they also do. They're going to evolve to sitting. They climb, sloths spend the majority of their time up in the canopy coming down only one time per week to relieve themselves. So you want to talk about, you don't got to be picking up doggy doo doo. You got a slot, you got one cleanup per week. It's interesting that a slot that barely moves, that lives in a tree, that is just hanging around, chooses to descend for their dump. Not just- Well you don't want to poop where you sleep.

No, but you should drop one out. What do you don't want to poop where you sleep you should drop one oh wait no it's not poop it's cropper light sloth poop is called crop you cop copra light copra light that's a new beer look a copra light opera like I'll take two copper lights please It's just a glass of sloth dung. When people are naming stuff, what guy came along and is like, we need to sub name all the poops. We can't just call it poop. Every animal has to have their own poop name. Give me an animal, because I just Googled

what is sloth poop called. A seal, give me a seal. What is a seal? Since you thought it was a fair name. I'm gonna seal just the sprains or whatever. I need to know. It's called scat. Oh, okay.

All right, so maybe we just found the two animals. You don't think, I almost said skunk, a sloth. Up in a tree can just drop one like a bird would drop one? Why do they gotta come down? Why can't they hang from the branch and just? It's weird because everything I'm seeing, they do come down to poop. It's called the hanging rain is what I would call it. Oh, maybe it's because they hang from the branch? It's weird because everything I'm seeing, they do come down to poop. It's called the hanging rain, is what I would call it.

Oh, maybe it's because they hang upside down a lot. Oh. You know what I mean? No, you don't want that. You don't want upside down poop. Oh, upside down. You ever seen a bat go to the bathroom? No.

Is it spray? No, they turn right side up. But it takes a sloth too long. He's like, oh no It's coming. I'm gonna scat my pants again. Oh my god I'm gonna copper like a copper ultra. Oh low calorie. Um, I Do the answer is the sloth? Oh for sure. Yeah, also as cute as an otter is It is not nearly as cute as a sloth sloths are adorable from like a

You know like the the the just cute they smile at you I doubt it slowly If quickly if a sloth hurts you that's on you man Well, they can't hurt you quickly if a sloth hurts you that's on you man, right? Cuz you would see it coming a mile away like it's like a punch This is you just take one big step back. You know what I mean like and Okay, it's a slap you takes 20 minutes can sloths hurt you yes sloths can hurt you teeth claws grip a Sloths grip can cause bruising or deeper injuries if they latch onto a person. Again, I recommend the big step back. Oh, we got some bad news for you. Oh, no.

Sloth poop is not called coprolite. Coprolite is fossilized feces of any kind. What? Yeah. If you Google what is sloth poop called, then Google's AI says it's called coprolite the Smithsonian's National National Museum of Natural History has a collection of fossilized sloth poop But they're just referring to the fossilized poop. So it's just regular poop. Come on Googs. Googs you're letting me down. I mean it's still cool that we got a name for fossilized poop All right, thank you know glass half full type of guy right there. All right, I know.

That means I can have copper light. Yes, you could copper light. Someday. I just got to save it for a while. Yeah, how long does it take to become a fossil? I'm on it. Nobody knows. Where's the best place to put it to fossilize?

I'm on it. I just think you've got to wait. But wouldn't it just go away? Is it poop biodegradable? No, it takes several thousand years. Right. to fossilize. I'm on it. I just think you gotta wait. But wouldn't it just go away? Is it poop biodegradable? Nah, it takes several thousand years. Right. Thousand years? Well, this is according to Google AI, so probably 12 minutes. I don't know. I mean, they have no idea. Alright, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some Is This Real Life? Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Indochino and their latest collection Indochino updates classic men's and

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from Indochino. Visit Indochino.com and use code BALLERS to get 20% off any purchase of $4.99 or more. That's 20% off $499 or more at INDOCHINO.COM promo code BALLERS. Is this real life? Well, it it is that time we've got a segment here where we're going to share three real life stories that we you know this is hard to believe it's hard to believe so who else to begin somebody want to volunteer? Mine's pretty short and sweet here, which the article does, that leaves me with some questions that they did not answer here. But look, we've all had a bad time on the job, go to work, something goes wrong at said

job. Yeah, another day's perfect. And now you have to spend the majority of your day doing something that you don't want to be doing. Well, a flight attendant on a flight from Hong Kong to New York had to spend the 16 hour trip holding up a broken bathroom door. I have heard of this one. What? 16 hours? So the door came off its hinges three minutes after the plane left the Hong Kong International Airport and Then we don't got no duct tape. I don't know that's what I'm saying. We're like

What about the duct tape? No, let's use Dolores You can't tape the door because the door needs to the door needs to work and function, right? I guess because there's only that bathroom because they're right. Well on an international flight they're gonna have more than one bathroom. You lock the door with a person? That's what they had to do? And then what do you do like a three knock system when you're done? I got a lot of questions here but they're saying in this article that this flight attendant spent the entire 16 hours holding up the door. Oh so this thing really came off the hinges. Yeah oh yeah. This isn't just like the locking mechanism broke. This is correct. The door we can't lay this on. We don't have a door anymore

Yeah, there's no we can't lay this on the ground either. Yeah, where do we put this? Yeah, I guess you don't have a place to store a big door In a flight and it would be dangerous, right? It would be dangerous to have a little bit Be a loose door is one of the biggest fears that I have Tumbling through the cabin. Watch out for the door! It's like a beach ball at a party except it's a door? Man, decapitated by flying bathroom door.

Yeah, a door would be dangerous. I don't, they normally make you- Maybe that's why they held it, but 16 hours. 16 hours, and you hope they tipped? I imagine this is just like put your back against it. It's not having to like- Yeah, it about 16 hours. 16 hours. You hope they tipped? Well. I imagine this is just like put your back against it. It's not having a leg. Yeah, it's from there.

I'm not holding it up. That's a long time. To lean against the wall? 16 hours? Well, it's a long flight. I mean, it's a long time to sit. The images, it says the flight attendant appeared to be holding the door from behind as she sat in her seat for takeoff.

So I'm imagining somehow her legs were able to hold it up, but still 16 hours is, that's ridiculous. This article writes all the jokes itself. It's a real article. It's from November 13th. And- Oh, that's recent. And I'm just gonna read you the headline, but then I'm gonna read you the sub headline,

and then I'm gonna read you the sub-headline, and then I'm gonna read you the details. Wind blowing out of Uranus makes it hard to probe, NASA complains. Yup, I get it. A quote, rare, intense wind event may have messed up our opportunity to probe Uranus. Been there. Scientists have found that a rare wind event

during NASA's Voyager 2 flyby of Uranus. Been there. Scientists have found that a rare wind event during NASA's Voyager 2 flyby of Uranus in 1986 may have seriously messed with our understanding of the planet. And while the jokes write themselves, the research is very real. Remember when they were trying to push Uranus? I don't remember. I would never have stood for that.

They made an effort for Uranus? I feel like there was a time period that we were all children cackling when we learned our solar system. And then they're like, no, it's Uranus. And we're like, no, it's not. No, it's not, it's Uranus. Loser.

So yeah, that's it. NASA was really complaining because they can't probe Uranus. How did they ever land on that name? You know what I mean? Like the first, was there a Mr. Uranus who found it? Well, I think, you know, that word is- They're all Roman gods, right?

Yeah, it's like Jupiter and Saturn and Neptune. Which, I mean, you take the step forward, there was a Roman god named Uranus? Yes, he was a Greek god of the sky. Of the badonk donk. The father of the Titans, the son and the husband of Gaia, Earth. So wait, he was the- In Roman mythology, he was known-

He was the father. Yeah, he was the father, god of the sky and father of the Titans. Interesting, wow. Yeah, and Uranus is actually where? The Titans come out no In the ferret I was getting to the ferret I was trying to bring it back Eric gives bird. It's okay Jason is this real life all right, so we've all been to a place where maybe there's some pesky

Birds or something trying to steal your food, you know Like a shoe good away. Yeah We can all relate And you'll probably like this since he likes to kick dogs apparently. New Jersey man admits to decapitating seagull after attempting to take fries from daughter. Wait, that's a disproportionate reaction. That is a little...dude, I do not want to marry that girl. Like, that dad has a little bit of an overreaction

So when I heard you say it my first in I wasn't thinking seagull when you said give me that fry back I mean a seagulls a big bird. I hate it. Oh, yeah I would be super afraid to like handle a seagull to begin with much less Rip its head off. I feel like I could rip the head off a pigeon, if I had to. Push comes to shove. Like just physically, much easier. Yeah, physically it would be,

but like you're starting to get into a category of bird that that's- Oh, you could take a seagull. They're just more rambunctious. Do you twist? To get the head? I think you're gonna have to. I'm just trying to think technically speaking.

Remember the old Kool-Aid things when we were a kid? Yeah, the twisty... Oh! Yeah, that's a seagull's head. Yeah, you gotta twist that up. You can't pull. It's not gonna be that hard. Okay, if they had made a juice drink with a little fake head on top and you had to pop

the head off the drink, that'd have been great. And then it's cherry. What if... Oh, yeah. Yeah, so... So he... She took a fry, the bird took a fry and lost its life? Lost its life.

There's no report of whether the guy got the fry back. Is that illegal? Oh yeah, it's illegal. He was released on a summons pleading a further court date. It's an illegal seagull? Yeah, he ripped the head off a bird, of course that's illegal. What do you mean of course? You can't just go around killing animals. no you can't like but for just cause

self-defense where's the line though your honor you could kill a spider or an ant Jason where you should kill a spider you should kill this man stood his ground against the sea you're telling me I'm getting arrested if it was a pigeon no no one cares about those are the flying you did a few did a service It's so weird that we judge the animals worth by their visual. It's that it's true a rat I'd rip the head off a vulture. I kill rats all the time, but there's rats at the cabin We put rat traps out because I don't want rats in my cabin and that's you know when you really think about it. That's That's crazy

It's a little crazy, it's a little crazy, but because there's no guilt. You know what I mean? And no one else cares because they all know how ugly it is. Right. And smelly and disease. They bring disease. Yeah, pigeons, disease. Rats, disease.

Yeah, but I'll bet seagulls bring disease. They just aren't talked about it because they're beautiful. I wouldn't call them beautiful. You wouldn't call a seagull beautiful? No. Seagulls are gorgeous. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. You're confusing it with a goose. No you're thinking of like a macaw. You think they're seals again don't you? No, a seagull is a beautiful bird. It's fine. Yeah, beautiful is reserved for the highest tier bird. A seagull is like a sea pigeon. It really is.

I mean, there is a... I've not been annoyed with a bird more than a seagull in my life. Oh, seagulls can be annoying. Because seagulls will ruin your time at the beach if you have any food or with you at all. Well, just rip its head off. I mean, that's apparently the move,

but again, illegal. You will find yourself released on summons with a future court date. I am, on a scale of one to 10, Mike, how beautiful is a seagull? Because ChadGBT, I said objectively, rate the beauty of a seagull on a scale of one to 10. And it says.

Artificial intelligence objectively rate those things? Yes, it says objectively, I would rate the beauty of a seagull. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm going to put my number at a 3. I'm going to go 7.5. 6 out of 10. That's not bad. That's not bad.

6 out of 10 is not beautiful. No, but that's on a scale of beautiful. Right. It's above average beauty. I guess that's true. How about a weasel? I'm not saying it's the most beautiful bird? Yeah, exactly How about a weasel? A weasel is rated 8 out of 10? What?

Weasels have sleek slender bodies and a sense of elegance in their movement. Oh, actually weasels are super cute Wait, what? I did not realize that. So you can't rip their head off. No, no, no, no, no This has been a very disturbing episode of the Spitballers. Hey, hold on. Spitballers. I'm in on weasels. Yeah. This is a good look.

They've got bad PR. You weasel something. Yeah. Yeah, weasel is bad. Yeah, I think Frozen really hurt the weasel family with. It's Wessleton. Wessleton. Also, weasel poop is still scat.

So scat is really it's covering a wide range Hmm. Now, what was the second animal? What was also being a weasel predated that movie but quite a bit Yeah, sure that part did but just the derogatory right? I mean you're familiar with Roger Rabbit I am familiar with Roger Rabbit. He was a bad guy Roger Rabbit the we know the weasel the weasels. Yeah I'm familiar with Roger Rabbit. He was a bad guy. Roger Rabbit? No, the weasels.

The weasels, yeah. Yeah, weasels are like sneaky. Is it because they're small, slender? Yeah. Beautiful. They tend to weasel their way into places. Gorgeous. A lust draft. The start of the new year is the perfect time

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Things we would like to be famous for. So... Instead of our podcast. Right. Instead of this fine weasel based podcast very famous grade-a celebrities yeah so we we already but if if we had to be something else right it would be whatever we're gonna draft and you get the first bit I get the first pick I love having the first pick in this one

there are there are two that I really want and I think one is like a home run. But I think it could. I think it could get back to me. I think it could. I don't know whether it will, but I think it could. The one that I want, what the heart wants, the heart wants what the heart wants, it'd be to be an actor.

I grew up wanting to be an actor. I went to school. So you wanna be famous as an actor? Yeah, I went to acting, directing. That was where I was headed until business life took over. Yeah, you quit. Oh, hey. I'm going to retire young.

Sam Jackson didn't start acting until he was like 60. And he made up for it. Yeah, I'm going to make up for it. Now, what? IMDB. What? I mean, you're a very funny fella. Were you hoping for a com?

Had you gone far enough into the path of, I want to be a dramatic, serious method actor, or you hoping for comedy? Like had you gotten far enough into the path of like, I wanna be a dramatic, serious method actor, or I wanna do comedy, I wanna do rom-coms. I really, really, really wanted to do both. Genuinely like, cause I did a lot of comedy improv. You're trying to Jim Carrey this thing. I wouldn't, I mean I know Jim Carrey got into some serious things, but I think that he's not

that great of an actor. I love Jim Carrey. I've been his career path. A Colonel Sunshine, baby. See that he's not that great of an actor. I love Jim Carrey. I've been his career path. Eternal Sunshine, baby. See, that's the one I always hear about. I've never seen it. That's outrageous that you never saw it. Hold on. That's one of the best movies ever.

Where is Jim Carrey in your pantheon? Top five for sure. And you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine? So what happened was it was like whenever that came out. Harry and Winslet. Perfect. I missed it for a moment. And I've always felt like like and you've got a chance still I can't go valuable Yeah, no, it's not you go back. You think it's gonna hold up. Yeah, really? Yeah, you're fine Well, maybe I'll put I'll put that on my to-do list. It's a story driven. Yeah, it's great. It's great

Um, so actor famous actor famous actor, um World sexiest man. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Yep, yep, that's a good one. Yeah. I see why you would want that so much. Yeah, no, it makes sense, right? Like the opposite of life.

You want what you can't have. It's unachievable. Like you still think you could be an actor, but I'm going with something, you know. That is true. Most of the things are not achievable. But you know. Yeah, no. World Sexiest Man is my answer. It's the number one pick.

Look, if Jason Kelsey can pop up as someone in the running. You never know, man. At this stage of his life. Any minute now. And this is not a knock on Jason Kelsey's aesthetic. Kind of is. No, it's not. it's more of a Jason Kelsey Former Center for the Philadelphia Eagles like this is not someone who is out there on people magazines

So he is now but like maybe all right, so I'm up then yeah, you're up all right rock star, baby The easy one I put that one way low on my list because it I put the easy one I put that one way low on my list because it It belongs to you. How long could you make it before you dropped it? a while a little while I think I got 80 years I Know I some of them do they look like old catcher's mitts, but they make it I I think I could do it obviously far more difficult or easier now that you have children. You're like, oh man, gotta hit the road. Yeah, gotta make that money, kids.

Another tour. You just got done with your tour. I gotta go. But the life on the road, I think I could do it. Yeah. I think I could do it. Give it a go. You're famous, man.

You got to. The next one I'm gonna go with, this has, this is I think a newer thing for America in terms of people just becoming famous for it. Being rich. Oh that was the one I wanted to come back. I had richest man in the world. You're just famous for having money. Yeah because you know what I also have then? Yeah. Lots of money. It's a twofer. That I wanted I wanted that one so bad because of what it insinuates I do nothing except be rich. Yeah, there are people that that's what they're famous. Yes. I know it is seeing dumb being rich So things that like to be famous for society. Well, they're rich

They're so rich. I know their name. Yeah that's um that's that's a good answer. All right I went with World Sexiest Man for the first so I'm gonna go ahead and... Very solid. You know I was about to say it and now I'm playing the game of whether I can sneak it by Jason. So yeah I can. So I'm gonna go with a famous athlete. Okay. Fam yeah, I can. So I'm gonna go with famous athlete. Okay. Famous athlete is the answer that I'm gonna go with because that one's not getting by Jason.

I will take being the best athlete in the world and famous for that. Because then I get to play a sport. It's not just, I'm not just not doing something. I'm doing something at the highest level and I'm famous for it. Next on my list would have been NBA player. Yeah. So that would have been NBA player. Yeah.

So that would have taken, so if you got to pick your sport, you get to be famous for any sport. Cause I almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pick the sport. If I had to pick one, it's a little bit nuanced because it's like some are more, I would do football because it's the biggest sport. Oh, okay.

I see, football didn't even make my list cause I'm like, I don't want a concussion. Right. Two sport, I'll be a two sport athlete. Super famous. Oh, that. I see football didn't even make my list because I'm like, I don't want a concussion. Right. Two sport, I'll be a two sport athlete. Super famous. Oh, that's it. Yeah, like a Deion Sanders, Bo Jackson. So football and baseball then.

And I will transcend sports. I'll be doing my own football jam movie. I'll be doing it all. I like it, I like it. You know they were supposed to make a skate jam? I heard with Tony Hawk. It was like all but green lit and then it fell apart. That is a tragedy.

Yeah. Because skate jam? Yeah. That would have been awesome. All right, so. I will go with Famous Athlete. Yeah. All right, so I am up and I get two picks.

I'm going to go with, look, there's not many people on the planet. In fact, I would say maybe there is not a thing more famous on the planet than being the president of the United States. Yeah, the president's on my list. And that fits. The nice thing is that when I am president,

both sides will come together because my platform is one that you want. My entire running platform is to give you what you want. And who doesn't want what they want? I'm curious, were you ever president of the student council? Not student council. Because you didn't give them... I didn't give them what they wanted. So you were president of what then? I was president of the theater group, president of the nerds.

We were cool, man. We were super cool. But yes, I was president of the United States. And then I guess since this might be just too close to what we are already famous for, but I'm going to take it anyways. I'm going to go stand-up comedy. Yeah, that is.

Really? If I had not taken Being Rich, stand-up comedy would have been next on my list. It's great because. That's interesting. So you'd want to be famous for stand-up because you think people just think of you so positively? It's just such a positive.

And it's very, I mean, if we're talking fame here, it's solo. It's incredibly. Yeah, it's like, you're a football player that you're famous, but you put a helmet on, people don't always know what you look like. Whereas maybe if I was golf, maybe Tiger Woods is a bigger solo. Yeah, exactly, so when you're a famous comedian,

you make a lot of money, you're funny, and people adore you. People, you know what I mean? Like, people love comedians. Some of them are more polarizing, but. Oh know what I mean? People love comedians. Some of them are more polarizing, but. Oh sure, I mean. But there's a few like. But you have your crew.

Legends, right? And just the, it would be so amazing and so rewarding. Like we've done live shows for our football podcast and we've all gotten a big laugh from a joke. It is. And when you get a big laugh, holy crap, man. That's pretty special. That is a drug.

Oh, that is a drug. And so if your entire job is just make people laugh. And when you're a top tier stand-up comic, you literally just have to walk out. Because people are so excited. They're ready to laugh. And they're ready to laugh that your presence is hilarious. And by the time you're there and you're a big time and you go out there, that crowd's already drunk.

So it's easy. That's true, that's true. All right, I played the gamble and it wasn't a concern. It came right back to me. Highest IQ in the world. Oh! The world's smartest man. If I was known, if I was famous for literally being smarter

than everybody else, people would come to me trying to get my answer on all the things in the world. That's pretty cool. It's like being the brain king. So you're really drafting things that are out of your reach, right? That's right, that's right. I'm gonna be sexy and smart.

I'm gonna be the brain king. Sir, how shall we refer to you? I'm the king of the brain. You may call me the brain king. I am the brain king The brain the breaking has exposed the brain Sure, this is crown the pulses. Yes. Oh my gosh Yeah, I'm pretty sure the brain King becomes the villain. Oh yeah. You know, we figured out the name of this podcast. All right, Mike, two picks.

So one of them, it's not... Brain King already taken. This sorry. It's not as easy, like I don't even know how you would make it in to be known for this if because of where we are in history unless you go Solar system wide but a famous explorer Like a like a Lewis and Clark someone you you are going. Yeah. Yeah, you're going Fearlessly because you don't know what's out there

You're going into a place of land that has, that to your knowledge has never been visited or explored and you're like I'm gonna go check this out. I'm willing to do it. One of the things on my list for, and I'll just lose it right here by bringing it up, and I don't know if you want to inherit it or just... I know what my next pick is, so. Okay, well I was just gonna say like Famous Explorer nowadays would be what I wrote down, which is Space Traveler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like famous Explorer nowadays would be what I wrote down. It's a space traveler. Yeah Yeah, it's I mean it's a new frontier, right? Yeah, it's it

To me what I'm thinking Explorer that's that's kind of built in now because it's like I can't go explore the United States We found the edge. We can we found all the edges. I feel like you can't explore anything like we got pictures of Ocean jungle rainforest like but it is weird that like there's a whole you know Like we got pictures of ocean, rainforest. But it is weird that like there's a whole, you know, what 150 years ago, there's a whole group of people traveling west in the United States knowing not what was before each step. Yep. That's weird. It is. You can't even comprehend it. It's wild and that's like, that would be rewarding. That would be kind of special. And the other one, it's, I want to be the world's greatest and most accurate meteorologist.

So you're famous for being an amazing meteorologist. I have never gotten a weather forecast wrong in my life. Imagine the power. You'd be the only one. Imagine, if we actually had someone who could do that be like three months. Ooh, I wouldn't go there It's gonna rain like that's and you're the only one that knows of course that be a man Everyone would tune in every day and would be the most awesome person. You know how long I would work a day Five minutes because you just know no I just No, I just show up to the broadcast,

I point at the green screen, then I'm like, green screen, and I'm like, I'll see you later. Nobody's ever. It's all in your head. Nobody's thought about the Grey Sports Almanac from Back to the Future, but it's only got weather reports for the next day. Yeah, is there a betting market for weather?

All right, so I am the world's sexiest man, I'm an athlete, I'm the world's smartest man, and guess what? Snow's at plus 300. Sometimes you stumble into your last pick on accident. Things I'd like to be famous for? I'm the king! I am the king! The king.

I am the king! Not the brain king. So like of England? Sure! Okay. Or like, you know, anywhere. The king of anywhere. The king of anywhere? Yeah, I want to be famous for being the king. The king of anywhere the king of anywhere I want to be famous for being the king the king of England sure okay if you

buy an island Yeah, like can you declare yourself a king? That's what I'm asking like if you buy an island not if it's not sovereign and you're like I'm the king and Okay, well did I go to what a an uncharted island. If you buy an island can you separate it from... Can you annex? Yeah, what is the process of... What if I build an island? Of gaining sovereignty of land. I'm more just saying like does the world have to recognize me as a king? Can I be a king of a cruise ship if it's my own ship on international waters? I think so. Yeah, yours for sure. That's not my answer but the me as a king. Can I be a king of a cruise ship if it's my own ship on International

Waters? I think so. Yeah, you could be the king. That's not my answer, but the king will go King of England since they still have one. I think you got to be a captain if it's a cruise ship. I am just somewhat attracted to the regal. Yeah. I think it's more going back in time a little bit to when that was a thing, but to be famous for being a king is kind of crazy. I'd be a merciful king. I'd be a great king. I'd be the brain king. He's the king and he's the smartest man alive. I took President of the United States and you took the King of England and I will say this, while I will do amazing things far more valuable as the President of the United States and make everyone happy,

the job would be way more fun to be king. You know what I mean? If you could really pick, would you want to be the king or the president? The king does nothing. The king does what he wants. That's exactly it. What is your job? Whatever I feel like doing today. My job is to do exactly what I want. What's your job today, sir? Brunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you-

Very important. And the White House would be a really cool place to live, but I feel like a king's castle's way cooler, man. Oh, for sure. So- If you had a moat. Is that all modernized? Is that castle like-

Buckingham? Isn't that where it is? Yeah, I mean, that's all like, you got HVAC in there and stuff. Oh, for sure, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the king is not living without HVAC. Okay. What kind of king is that?

I'm just thinking like, of all the things to retrofit, stone seems tough. But Mike, or Jason, you're actor president, stand-up comic, you're living your dream, you're famous for those three things, and what's one more? Yeah, I mean, I'm looking, I've got a list of things that are cool that I don't want, like an author. Being a famous author.

It's on my list. I'm not going to take that. Stephen King leads a pretty good life. Yeah, my dark horse pick that I'm not taking as well is, just because this is another What the Heart Wants, is voice. Being famous for your voice. Think Morgan Freeman or the British.

But that's not your pick. That's not my pick. I'm gonna go with a tech entrepreneur. You got caught off, but it was just, you're like Morgan Freeman or the British. The British guy. No, you stopped at the British. All the British.

Yeah, well, they're famous for their voice. Yeah, yeah. But I'm gonna go with a tech entrepreneur. So when you are one of the famous ones, you know, you're- So you wanna be like pale and just- Now, Steve Jobs- Devoid of any- I wanna change the world, you know what I mean?

One divorce at a time. It's in addition to- No, I get it, it's in addition to I get rich I've done something that has changed the technology decent in a black a turtleneck turtleneck yeah, uh Some of the we finished up We've all got our four things to be famous for some of the final considerations on my list Nobel Prize mmm

Olympic champion. I've always thought Olympic champion's kind of special because you're like. It was. Like Michael Phelps, like you just, I know you're working in the other three years, but it seems like you're only working for like eight weeks every four years.

I think you're working extremely hard in between. What about saving someone from a runaway train? That's a little more. I don't think people get famous from that. But I would. You can get like small town famous. This implies't think people get famous from that but I would you can get like small town But this implies that you would get famous. I'm sure So then in that if if the implication

No matter what equals Extreme fame. Yeah, I would have I would have drafted farting You know what? I mean like if I'm famous like dude Everyone knows that fart was so epic that he is famous worldwide. I mean aren't the What animal was that that had the good-smelling farts? Oh, that's the the otter the otter I mean I want to get famous become an otter have rosy farts you guys got any others of jasmine no you good good All right What did we learn today?

I learned that coprolite is fossilized dookie. I learned that the smartest man alive is also known as the brain king. And I learned that Jason has a tough time with otters and seals. That was funny. You were like, how can you confuse a ferret and an otter? Made no sense to me. One of them is the seal, you know? One of them is the size of a boat.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.