Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 311: Cold Farts & Things To Do In The Snow - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

Tis’ the season for cold jokes, snow days and laughter as we’re bringing you a brand new episode that's sure to get you laughing. Would You Rather and then the returns of Jason Explains, plus That’s a Great Question before we wrap things up with a Things To Do In The Snow draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. in. That's a let down. That was a let down. I'm going to be straight honest. I wanted to see where it would go because it felt like it was building to somewhere. And then I ran out of time. You ran out of time or breath or yeah, it was just like

The scale went as far as it could go. He's getting a zero over here. No, that's fine. Of course the Falcon knows about failing I Don't know if it was that bad. Yeah, how my heart felt welcome into the spitballers We have a show for you today, episode 311. Mike is out sick today, but Jason and I, we did not want to leave you for the holiday break without a new episode of the Spitballer. So it is our- Not only that, but this is for science. It's for science.

The very first two-person spit. And maybe the last? We'll find out whether we can two-man spit. I'm not encouraged by the fact that you are proceeding the recording of this show with digestive Decision making that may leave you Hoping for energy. I have no energy. I am already hoping for energy My bubble guts are here. They my my tongue feels

Like it needs more room, but doesn't have more room. You have eaten your way to better health over the past, I'd say what, four or five months? Six months, yeah. Six months, sorry. Seven months. But, I mean, you had been very used

to maybe a slightly less disciplined diet. Now that if you have a meal here or there now, are you getting, is it hitting differently? Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, I used to be able to eat anything and have no, this is really, if I can do a PSA for all the unhealthy people out there, never change, right?

I mean, I could eat any fast food and I I would look at you and Mike would be like, oh, that'll wreck me. I'm like, nothing wrecks me. But now it wrecks you. Yeah, now my body's like, what in the crap was that? Well. I'm not prepared for this. That's probably good.

Yeah, it is. It's a really good thing. It's a good thing. My body's like, I don't like that. I don't want that. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Well, and you were taking your father out to lunch. Yeah.

One thing led to a Mongolian beef plate. Oh, man. Did you get the lunch portion at least? No, I didn't get the lunch portion, Andy. We didn't ask that. They serve entree portion all day. Oh, no. Yeah.

You didn't get any appetizers or sides. I did not not get any appetizers. I had pork pot stickers. OK, well, well look, I didn't split them evenly with my father. You didn't? They were so good. You ate most of them. Yeah, I kept going. I kept doing the thing. This was two pot stickers left. Gonna eat that? I didn't do the gonna eat that. You just took it? I had the thought of like, oh, I should ask or see how many he's at. I'm like, these are good.

I'm just going to grab it. Hell yeah. And then I ate it. And then there's the one left. And I just went, I'm going to eat the whole thing. It felt like the burger schedule. I'm not going to ask permission or forgiveness. He could always order more.

Yeah. I'm just going to eat those because they were awesome. I'm going to eat these. All right, we have a Jason Explains that I just told him about on the show. He doesn't know what it's about, but he knows that I explain many things. I already know how to explain it. I don't know what the topic is,

but I know I can explain it. It's something you'll know very well, but slightly less well than metal. You know metal a little bit. I don't know anything else as well as metal. Right, that's a great question on the show. And then with the holiday season, we are drafting the best things to do in the snow.

Something we have so little experience at that. Yeah, well, I was gonna say, if you want expertise on things you can do in the snow during the holiday season, you've come to the right place. Because I have been in the snow before. A few times. Right, you know everything. That should have been the Jason Explains.

Our Arizona native podcast here is pretty much high level experts on things like snow, hockey, cold weather. Yeah, these are things that you grew up. Yeah, I just know all of it. All right, well, let's kick it off, Jay. Let's see how we do on Would You Rather. Would You Rather? All right, Jason. Ellie from the website has a very important question for us. Would you rather hold mistletoe over the head of a stranger while winking at them? Oh, that's fun.

Or sit on the lap of a stranger while telling them your wish list? What? Okay, so- See, this whole question is messing with me. All right, because like One of these you could do to a stranger and they wouldn't know Well, like they'd eventually notice but it would be like a gag You'd look awkward and stupid and dumb and the mistletoe one. I mean they would know they would know right away

You're not going up behind them and like I imagine you would well you would. Well, but it says you're winking at them. Well, that's the, yeah. But I mean, how do you sit on somebody's lap? You don't even ask? Al, will you explain the situation here for me? Yeah, you're at the food court in the mall and you're either walking up to a stranger and putting this mistletoe above their head and winking,

or you're just gonna go sit in their lap and start telling them your wish list. I'm not sitting on somebody. So I list. I'm not sitting on somebody. So I have- I'm not sitting on somebody. It's one of my rules of life. I have a constitution about me that I could easily do either one of these things. I don't think I would have a problem if it was for a fun joke, like a hidden TV show

type of thing. I could go sit on someone's lap, no problem, and I could probably get away with it No, I understand once you make physical contact. It's a whole nother level though like these are not fair comparisons Well, you're going up to someone with a mistletoe and be like yeah We wink wink wink wink that doesn't you're not necessarily Invading someone the way that sitting on what would you do put yourself in the opposite situation Both of these things are happening to you. Okay, how do you react to each one of them? Honestly, who's doing it?

On your lap sitting on my lap, I mean this is gonna make a pretty big difference Yeah, I mean some stranger like Al Borland comes up and sits on my lap. That's gonna be that's gonna make a pretty big difference. Yeah, I mean. Some stranger like Al Borland comes up and sits on my lap. That's gonna be a little rough. Do they have a really big rolled up Christmas list? Is this an obvious Christmas thing? Nope, you just sit down and start telling them what you want. I want for a, ooh.

Man, well that's kind of insulting now, because Santa's fat. I mean, there's no other way. Oh, so they assume you're Santa. Yeah, like, wait, you thought I was Santa? fat. I mean just there's no other way. Oh so they assume you're Santa. Yeah like well wait you thought I was Santa? Yeah. I mean I got a beard and it's getting some grays and I'm fat. Are you Santa? I want a big new bicycle. No I look the mistletoe is the answer. What do you want for Christmas? I never know I never know now people ask all the time and I have no idea But I know people like to buy gifts for people

So I have to figure it out because they get mad at me and I don't I don't really think about it that way It's hard as an adult because when you want something you have the capability to get that thing, right? Unless it's this crazy expensive You know it's like oh, I want that car. You can't just go out and get yourself that car, but if you if there's like Generally speaking you know you want caviar you get caviar. I'm just saying like what about the deuces Do you guys have this problem where like you just buy yourself what you want, and you don't have a bunch of leftover stuff? I definitely do. Anything that is cheap enough that I would ask somebody else to buy it for me, I've already

bought. That's what it is. If it's too expensive for me to buy it, I'm not going to ask you to buy it either. That's it. That's it. That is the real issue. Because it's like, yeah, you want to know what I want? I want like a thousand dollar chef knife.

You know what I'm never going to ask you for you for yeah a thousand dollar chef knife. That's absurd No, I I agree and when people try to give you end up giving some idea of something you don't really want Yeah, really need and it's just Nothing has hit me more this year than the kind of just the oddity of the gift-giving Consumerism, I know I don't get too deep on spell. Let's get that's not the point of the two-giving consumerism. I know I don't want to get too deep on spit blood. No, let's get deep. That's not the point of the two-man show is a deep analysis, but it's all just, I give you $10 so you can give him $10

so he can give you $10 that you can give me $10 so that we can all- Just keeping that economy alive, brother. The times that I've enjoyed it have been times I'm definitely not asking somebody what they want ever It's something that I think about During the year. I see something and I go, you know what that would they would love that thing It's got more sentimental value than it is getting them a Best Buy gift card or something

It's some you know, it could be not a lot of money, but it's something I know is special to you. It feels so good When you have that thing when you're like, oh, I thought of this thing. You know what my dad's favorite thing like that is? It's watermelon Jolly Ranchers that cost nothing. That's his favorite gift in the world. Oh, that makes it easy. Just because it was his favorite candy growing up. So if you get him those all the time,

that's his favorite part of the gift. That's the type of thing that's like, okay, cool, you got something I couldn't get myself or don't think about getting myself the opposite is Equally sucky when you've got someone that you don't know what to get for them, and you don't have any like nice sentimental meaning So now I'm just like strolling through a target just like where's your gifts what yeah? I'm looking like what what will be okay? Yeah? I don't want this thing. They don't want this thing. They're gonna open it and be disappointed,

but I'm gonna purchase it. Yeah. And then I'm gonna give it, and then eventually it's going in the garbage or good one. Oh yeah, or re-gift it. Alex from Patreon, would you rather mop your floors by sitting on a rag and bum shuffling to scrub all of them? Okay, I can picture that.

I think that word illustrates itself. Or use your bare foot in a rag to clean all your toilets. So mopping floors by sitting on a rag and basically cleaning it with your bum or cleaning your toilets with your foot, bare foot. I think it's that one. Dude, but you can't choose that one. It's gotta go in the water.

You can't clean a toilet without going deep in the bowl. No, I agree, but I'm just saying it's my foot. I mean, it's just, at least it's my foot. The other one is gonna be exhausting. They said, hey, you're sitting on a rag. Do you know how many years this will take? If you told me to do one straight line bum shuffling across the floor. Sure. Well, this is, this is a toilet. Wait, no, it's all your toilets. Hmm.

Okay. I was, I was going to make it like a small area of your house. I just feel like I'd be, I just commit the foot to disaster and then clean it afterwards. I don't think I could do it, man. I don't think I could stick my foot in a, in a toilet. I know the water is like it's clean right? Well not completely. Well it's a dirty bowl full of... Most of the clean water that's taken some germs from the sides. Yeah exactly. You'd be your foot would be fine. It's a mental thing. You don't have foot orifices right? Of course

skin is an orifice. Your epidermis can take things in through the skin. Why are you nodding, Al? That's not what I mean by orifice. Otherwise that word has no meaning, right? Because it's used to describe holes on the body. I was just nodding and I was impressed with Jason's knowledge. I don't know if his knowledge is knowledge. The point here is, I mean, when you're talking about no orifices, this is germs and bacteria. Absolutely germs and bacteria. The description of an orifice, I said, define is skin an orifice.

Yes, the skin contains orifices. Yes. Which are the openings in the body that allow for the input or output. So pores technically would be tiny openings. Yes. But not what I meant. Well. But not what I meant. Well, that's what I meant. Anyways. Do you have any other holes on your feet? Not that

I know of. Just the pores that are not going into the toilet. Even if I think, and this might be stupid. I mean, it is stupid, but I think if it was a brand new, never before used toilet, and you hook it up and you fill it up with the water from the toilet line, like I can't imagine sticking my hand in that. I can't even. That'd be totally fine, I'd be fine with that.

I wouldn't, it's a mental hurdle. Because that's where poopy belong? That's where poopy pee pee goes. And putting my hand in there, I think that would like scar me mentally. If you could wear a sock while you did the cleaning, is that better or worse? That's worse.

Okay. But you have a, there's a separation between the actual scrubby area. Well, I mean, I assume. I guess you're using the rag there too. I assume I'm, yeah, I'm using my foot, but I'm not like scraping it off with my toes.

Oh, my feet are super. Dextrous? Yes, dextrous. So you could grab the rag, move the rag, turn the wrap. I'll throw a baseball, brother. I got them big long toes and full. OK, no more. I basically got four hands.

OK, OK. You do your pull-ups, but upside down. That's right. My legs are way stronger. I can't do one pull-up with my arms, but no problem. You can do a lot the other way. So are we, you're telling me you want to bum shuffle? Because I think you're getting tired, man. Oh, I am getting tired, but you know what else I'm getting? A workout. A workout. Getting a good ab workout. It's like the guy who bear crawled a marathon.

Okay, you're bum shuffling. I am gonna do the toilet cleaning. But Danny from Patreon wants to know, would you rather age at half speed, so it'd be one year every two calendar years, et cetera, and live to twice your normal expected lifespan, or? So that's compounding then. and live to twice your normal expected lifespan or... So that's compounding then. So like instead of living to 80. You age at half speed.

I live to 160 and each year I age. Yeah, that's a way of saying that your body's progression of aging is slower. So. That's great, or? Or age normally until you're 30, then stop aging completely, but die in your normal expected lifespan.

So normal till 30, your 30 year old body, and then you're good at that 30 year old body till let's call it 80 years old. This is a great question. Yeah, let's say 80. Yeah, let's say you're dead to 80. 80 is where you're gonna step in. Another one's 160.

Yeah, 160 and. Slow progression. And you get to have a slower progression. Now keep this in mind. Let's say 30 years from now, 40 years from now is when I would live on the normal timeline. I'm 40, I would die at 80. If 50 years from now, there is incredible breakthroughs on science, medicine, and things to keep me feeling, you know, even better, healthier, stronger.

I miss out on that if I take the normal, you know, the stop aging but die. Yeah, you're saying you could end up hitting those things if you take the normal? Yeah, I'm saying if I go with the half speed aging and I actually end up getting an additional 80 years of human existence, you know what I mean? The progression of humanity on almost another century. I get to see so much more, and some of those things are gonna help me to not feel like I'm...

They'll at least help you feel better when you are old. Exactly. Yeah, it's barely worth saying, but like if you... Yeah, okay, I don't know which one. That being said, that being said, the difference between 30 and 40, if you haven't experienced it yet. That's a big deal 40 sucks

I'm just throwing that on for size. I haven't hoping to avoid it Want to push that back? um So so there is something to aging normally till 30 and then stop I imagine Yeah, that that's tough because if you. Living 50 years as a 30 year old is pretty awesome. So in the first scenario, you're 40 right now. Right. So.

Yeah, we'll round. We'll call it 40. That means when you are feeling like a 50 year old, you're actually 60. Correct. Right? Yes. So you're getting double the time,

you're deteriorating half as fast, but you will deteriorate. You will deteriorate. Like if you think about it this way, a 75 year old, and let's say you're gonna die at 80, you're gonna get 10 years of being 75. Right. Equivalent, or not 10 years, but you'll get.

Well I'll get two years of being 75. Yeah, 10 years worth of 75 to 80 gap instead of five So really what this comes down to is feeling good for the rest of your life until you die or getting to see things Later in human existence like that for me. Those are the two levers that I'm deciding between I'm taking the longer time. I Am surprising myself here. I think I'm gonna take the 30. I think I wanna live with a perfect health span right up until the day I die and then-

Did you feel pretty good at 30? I felt great at 30. Yeah. And I was overweight. I could still get in shape, be even better. But yeah, the body can heal, the body can, yeah. I don't wanna have, oh great, I get two years of feeling like I'm 75. So let me just, so you're gonna live to 80,

you're 40 now, let's say, and that's 40 years from now. If I took the first option, 40 years from now, I would be 60. You would feel, yes, correct. So I'd be 60, you'd be dead. Correct. Yeah. So I'd be 60, I'd go to your funeral, I'd be like, he lived like a 30 year old his whole life.

And then I would have another 80 years. No. Yeah, yeah that's right. 40 years, another 40 years to live, cause I'd be 60. Oh no, I am lost! No, that's right, you would have another 80 years. Cause you're gonna live to 160

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm going for When you explain it like that your grave every year during my extra 80 years when when you explain it like that I feel like I'm really missing out here. I mean it's all about quality quantity, right? Like everybody it's easy to make the really like obvious decision of, okay, if you told me I was going to be a vegetable and I'm on machines, is it worth being alive or not? A lot of people don't want to just be kept on a machine. Are you a machine guy? Would you want to be on the machine? I would not want to be on the machine.

Have you made a decision on the machine? I don't have like a directive. Do not resuscitate. But I- It sounds like you're a machine guy. No, no, no. I don't want- You won't be able to tell somebody. I want. No, no, no, I don't want... You won't be able to tell somebody. I want quality of life.

I mean, I just chose to be 30 till I was 80. So who's gonna make the machine decision for you? The doctor, I don't know. I mean, no, it won't be the doctor. If you don't have a director. Well, then it would be my wife. Your wife, would she know you're not a machine guy? I'm not like, I wanna be on a machine. You know, I wanna live on a machine guy. I'm not like I'm not like I want to be on a machine

you know I want to live on a breathing machine I'm also not like don't you dare put me on one. You're cool with her deciding. Yeah. That's all I meant like if you don't. There's context to the situation. Yeah. Yeah. Al do you have anything written up for this situation? I do not. Do you, Andy? Yeah. You do? Yeah. So what do you have? I have the DNR, basically. Really, you're a do not resuscitate.

I think I've kind of told my wife, like give it a little bit of time. That's basically what I've said. I'm like, if the doctor says it's gonna be really low odds, or this amount, I was like, give it two weeks more. But I've- That's what I've told her. Yeah, but I think if you've got a DNR, they're not allowed to intervene at all. However we have written up, she can make a call.

I don't need the DNR because my life insurance policy is high enough that my wife will make that decision for me. She's going to cash in. She's just waiting every day. She has been waiting. Is she feeding you bad foods and like high? She keeps suggesting he goes on one of those machines. She's like to keep him alive. Yeah. Okay. That one's that one's a really good question. Why is very philosophical. Why don't you do me a favor and explain something for us? Okay. Jason explains in 60 seconds. Get ready to learn people. You've got 60 seconds to explain something very important. It's been making the news lately and I want to learn more. Everyone wants to learn more. I want to teach everybody.

So the answer is? Quantum computing. Oh fantastic! Alright, start that clock. Quantum computing is basically, instead of ones and zeros where you've got just a yes and no and off and on to use your computer chips and be able to make decisions, you now have, think of it more like a three dimensional block where you could decide between multiple things at the same time. So instead of being like, oh, it's a hundred percent yes or a hundred percent no, you have the infinite range of between on and off where it could be like 90% on

tip percent off. And it makes it to where your computing power is so much stronger that you can do you can do more than you think possibly exists in a computer and now it's like proven, or they say, Google's saying it's like proven the multiverse exists and that that's real. So Ant-Man is real? That's what you're saying?

I'm saying that there are infinite possibilities of life and this computing chip is proving it. Is that 60 seconds? That was 60 seconds. All right. I think I did a pretty okay decent to bad job. Quantum, quantum. Yeah, now if you wanna get quantum entanglement,

that's where things really get fun. I was talking about particles hundreds of miles apart that are the same. I didn't think you were this educated. Oh, I'm not. I made it all up. You did a good job. All right, taking a break, coming back with

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Download the app today, use the code SPIPBALLERS to get $50 instantly after you play that first $5 lineup. PrizePicks, run your game. All right, let's jump in. That's a great question. We've already had some great questions, but here's some more. Daniel from Patreon, if you could turn a door on or off,

would on be when the door is open or closed? Oh man, that's a good question. That's a really good question. I think it's a good question because a door, when I think of it as functioning, it is closed. No. No, but when I think of a door being a door. Yeah. It's closed, right? I mean, that's the default status. That's when it's off.

Well, but see, the default status for someone to be on. No, the default status is when it's not in use. It's off. And so if I want to turn it on, I want to open the door. I want to use the door. Let me ask you this. Do you turn something on to not use it? Andy anything in life anything in life. Do you turn it on to not use it on to not use it? Do you think about turning that blender switch on so that it's default off? It makes no sense

The default mode is off Yeah circuit breaker on power. So if I'm turning that switch on, my door opens. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate of the other side. If a door is off its hinges, it's open. If it's off its hinges, it's open, yeah. Which means it's off. It's hinges. Yeah. It's open. Yeah, which means it's off

Its hinges. Yeah, I use I mean I I get I get I mean if you turn it if you could turn the door on You're like if you were in a room and you were like I'm gonna push door on door off you hit on you would freely Walk through knowing it's open. Yes. I think that that would you know And the opposite take the devil's advocate here is that you're gonna turn it on to have it be That I think the devil's advocate stupid On is open on is open and office closed. Yeah, we just solved it So you're yeah, so an open doorway is considered on correct Simon from patreon Would you what would happen if you farted in a tub of oatmeal been there before? You should not have been. Uh, what did I tell you a fart in something story though?

Yeah, yeah, man. So This is really A little tmi. All right A little TMI, all right? But look at it. So a funny thing happened. Yeah. Okay. A little rabbit hole journey.

I've been cold plunging, right? In oatmeal? Not in oatmeal, very hard. That's hot plunging. Okay. No, cold plunging in freezing cold baths, you know, down at like 48 degrees or something like that. Very, very cold in there and when I do it at my house

I usually go from either a hot shower or a sauna And so I'm in my underwear and so I go into the bath. I go into the cold plunge in my underwear Pro tip oh do not fart We called it's it's a amplified like you wouldn't believe. Wait, you're saying if you come out of it? I'm saying when you fart and you're underwater. Wait, cold farting is a problem? Why would that matter?

It's gonna freeze something. It's gonna freeze something right there. Those cold bubbles come up. Really? Oh, brother. Holy moly. It is an experience that you're gonna have once. No one talks about this with the benefits of cold plunging. Yeah. I haven't. Or the negatives. The literature is not really on whether you should or shouldn't

fart in the cold plunge. The pros cons list is never like pros, longer health, dopamine, it's all good. Negatives. Negatives. You can't fart You can't fart can't fart. Okay hold your farts What would happen if you did fart in a tub of oatmeal would it bubble to the top and release or would it be? eternally trapped until someone uncovered it I Mean my first guy is the second one. I It's just a matter of power brother I mean how you're farting downward if you're in a if you're in a tub you're farting downward This is the thing if an oatmeal is compact it it doesn't matter if I mean how much are you farting downward if you're in a if you're in a tub you're farting downward This is the thing if an oatmeal is compact it doesn't matter if I mean the air wants to get to the top

Yeah, but if it's layers man layers and layers of oatmeal absolutely so then it's really just a matter of how much fart you got because imagine that you Had a bowl of oatmeal okay, and you take a straw and you put that straw in the bowl of oatmeal, okay? And you take a straw and you put that straw in the bowl of oatmeal. And then I go. And you started to blow. And I start blowing. Obviously the air's gonna come up.

But not right away. But not right away. So this is like how long. You can hide a fart under oatmeal. You can hide a fart under oatmeal. You can 100% hide a fart under oatmeal. But you can't hide a thousand farts under oatmeal. No, because it would come to the time.

It would come up. And then that's a Dutch oven that you don't want. Now let me ask you this. If it's brown sugar, if it's maple and brown sugar oatmeal, would the fart smell bad or would the fart smell awesome? You know what I mean? Like full bathtub of maple and brown sugar, delicious scented.

I think they'd mix. And I haven't yet to find. It'd probably smell awful. It'd probably be really bad, I mean. I think they'd mix. It'd probably smell awful. It'd probably be really bad. I would love it. That would be a Quaker Oats Dutch Oven. Is what you're saying. Yes. Quaker Bloats. Parker from Patreon. When you are at a restaurant and

someone that you don't know is celebrating their birthday, should you join in and sing? Should you clap when they blow out the candles or do nothing? We've all been here. What have you done historically? I've done both, it really depends on the mood.

You know what I mean? If it's a clappy song, like some places there's a big to do. It's more hokey. Some places are more like polite. Yeah, I think you nailed it on the clapping. Like when there's the whole, you know, is it one waiter that comes out or did they bring their team?

You know, if they brought their team of all the waiters have to go and do this big clappy happy song, I'll clap if I'm nearby. I'll get in on that. I'll give some yeehaws. And you'll clap at the end. Yeah.

Do you, how many birthdays have to happen in a restaurant for it to be too much for your trip? Like if it's not you. Three would be too much. Three birthdays surrounding the area. Three birthdays is too much. If three birthdays is, I'm in the wrong spot.

If I'm not here for my birthday, if there's three different birthday parties, I know I the wrong spot. If I'm not here for my birthday, if there's three different birthday parties, I know I made a mistake. Because they're all interruptions. You're probably in the middle of a sentence, and you hear them start to do it, and everybody stops. Yeah, because imagine we've all been there for one, all of us. And then imagine 10 minutes later another one happens.

You'd be like, oh, OK. I wouldn't even care. I wouldn't even think about it. But the second that the third one happened. Like, where am I? What is going on? Am I at the birthday spell spot? What is the name of this restaurant? Are they famous for their birthday celebrations? Now, Deucers, any of you guys ever, like you've had the birthday song sung to you? Any of you like that? Any of you want the restaurant to sing to you? I don't know that there's a person in existence that does.

No, no, there's a situation. I bet Josh does. Josh, if. I like to do the singing, I don't wanna be singing too. But let me get to where I'm going. Most places will give a free dessert to the birthday person. Oh yeah, Josh is in. And most of the time you have to decide

is the song worth the free dessert? I'm honestly surprised you've ever gone to a restaurant without it being your birthday. I'm surprised you've not told them every time it's your birthday, anniversary or special occasion. Then you gotta not share the dessert with your kids and then they get mad at you. Wait you don't share your dessert with the kids? It's my birthday dessert. But what if it's not really your birthday? It's still my birthday dessert. So if you go in there and you lie and you say it's your birthday and they bring you out a cake,

you're not sharing that? No, it's an individual birthday cake. Would that give you permission to get your kids a dessert? They can claim it's their birthday. Oh, our family was all born on the same day. You've had this song sung to you, obviously, you do just endure it. I find with it or do you?

Of course, who would not? What is not enduring it look like you just get up and walk out are people that tell their significant other. You do not let this happen. For sure. That's all I can. I'm saying, but once it starts, stop, stop, stop. Once it starts, you are you starts you are you're already

on the plane that has taken off you're not getting off. If you ran away what happens? Like if you ran straight out the door. Do the waiters follow you? No do they finish the song? But here's the thing let's say you're the birthday boy birthday boy. Birthday bar. And everyone knows it's your birthday

the whole waitstaff knows it's you, they come up they start singing to you. I stand up. I start slowly walking away, facing them, but just like walking to the side, walking backwards. How far do I get before they stop or they follow? I don't think they follow. I think they'll look.

But are they singing to me still? Yeah, they're still looking at you while they sing. Standing, this is, got to try this out I want to see if I can get a marching can you get into the bathroom? Right will they come into the bathroom? That's what I want to know Yeah, well there's I mean because if the birthday boy left if I got up and just went to the bathroom Right when they start singing they come out. Yeah, happy happy birthday to you and I leave What do they do? They I think they finish the song there because at the table without the birthday boy

Yeah, so they're singing to nobody. I think so You got to get out of there quick though cuz they're shortening these songs I know It's done Jeff on the website if a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire or the vampire become a zombie? Very good question. We're gonna have to work through this.

Mike, I'm sure, knows the answer. It really seems like a Mike question here. If a vampire bites a zombie. So if a vampire bites anything, they become a vampire. Generally, a zombie has to bite somebody, don't they? Yeah. Papa Josh can weigh in because he's a professional zombie. I would imagine if-

Guy? You're getting your saliva in their blood. Can you bite it? If you weren't a vampire and you just bit a zombie, do you become a zombie? No. The zombie has to bite you, right? No, they're both undead.

They're not alive, so they're not affected by the other's disease. Oh, you're saying the vampire and the zombie. That's not what I asked you. One of them has to become the other. I asked you if a human- A vampire is much stronger than a zombie, so if one was going to happen, the vampire would turn the zombie, but that's not physically possible. What I wanted to know is if I'm a regular person

and a zombie's over there, and I walk over, and I sneak up and bite the zombie as a person. Yes, you'll become a zombie. I'll become a zombie for biting it. And everybody's nodding at this. They all know this about zombies. I'm amazed you don't know this about zombies. Well, no, let me-

Not a lot of movies have a plot where the humans are biting the zombies to become zombies it's also I think it's There are different versions of zombies out there because it's a matter of how did this start? Because you know like there are some animals that are you know, they're venomous, but that doesn't mean they're poisonous They you can you can eat them and you don't have you know not getting the poison because it comes from the teeth But if it's like a fungal start and it can be spread through the air then of course any part of that zombie What a quantum zombie though

Look, yeah, so you're saying a vampire is a stronger creature than a zombie by just every the undead standard Yes, but every orders of magnitude by orders of magnitude so they can turn a zombie into a vampire zombie Would it be a vampire zombie or just some or it would have it would have to be a vampire zombie Because it doesn't bring it back to me does not bring it back to life. It stays on dead It already was on that So really I think an undead thing can become a vampire because it's still on dead but not not from biting They just have like the power over them. So like vampire lords will have legions of undead minions. All right, let's turn the mic off now.

Al, that one was too far. Make sure he can't talk anymore. Oh, that was a little too in depth. Yeah. Nerd. Yeah, where are you going after work? Okay, so that settles that. We'll take a break and we'll draft.

Well, now that we've got all of our zombie stuff taken care of, we can we can get back into the holiday spirit. The Spitballers Draft. Well Jason mentioned it at the top. We're very knowledgeable on this subject. The best things to do in the snow as we get ready for a holiday break, celebrate Christmas with the families, Jason, we don't get a lot of time in the snow, but that doesn't mean that we don't have a list of things we'd do immediately if we saw snow.

Yeah, it's not like we haven't seen a movie about the snow. Yeah. Or things, you know what? We might know better than other people because we long for the snow. We watch something and go, that is something I would dream of doing in the snow. There are people that come to Arizona and they see cactuses and they're like, oh, that's so amazing. Cactuses suck.

We don't think that. No, they're awful. But we do think snow is amazing because we don't see it. So when we see it It's like you're in a magical place. You guys are so passionate about snow. You want to do five rounds five? Yeah, we'll do five rounds of the best things to do in the snow. I guess I get the first pick It's gonna be a mix of things I've actually done and things that I want to do and things that I think are just... Like is snow magical in and of itself? Yes. Yes, snow is magical.

I don't know... It's like water with magic? I don't remember... I don't believe I have been in a real snowfall. Right, like one of the picturesque out the window. I've been there where some flakes are falling to the ground. But usually when I'm in the snow, it has snowed. And now there is still snow on the ground.

And that I've experienced many, many times. But I don't know if in my entire life I've ever been where I just have the picturesque moment of bringing my hands up to the falling snow. Yeah. I mean, I think that's just- And stick your tongue out and have it fall on your tongue. Whoa, that might be something on my wrist, all right. I will go with a snowball fight. That is my number one pick, a snowball fight.

I have had many snowball fights. They are quite wonderful. And it's competitive, and I'm gonna pick something competitive. Yeah, that's fun. Although taking too hard of the snowball to the face. That's on you, bro. What, it's on my face? It's on you if you're taking snowballs hard to the face. You can duck and dodge a snowball.

You ever been hit by like an ice ball though? No. Okay. Is that different? No, next time we're up north. Wait, you have ice balls? an ice ball though? No. OK. Is that different? Next time we're up north. Wait, you have ice balls? Sometimes the snow is pretty compact. There's a right consistency of snow for snowball fight.

I've never had a snowball fight. I got that impression. Yeah, so you've never got one. I've never had a real snowball fight ever in my life. I mean, you can build up little defensive positions. When I've been in the snow, I have taken, you're usually wearing snow gloves. And it has taken me 20 years to make a snowball.

Because you're not, do you have the multi-fingers or are you going mittens? No, I got the fingers. But it's just like, I can't ever make a good snowball. So you've tried to have a snowball fight and you couldn't do it? I guess so. That's what that's, it just feels like in order to have a good snowball. So you've tried to have a snowball fight, and you couldn't do it? I guess so. It just feels like in order to have a good snowball fight,

you need like 20, 30 snowballs before you start the snowball fight. If you were going to do a snowball fight, you would buy the machinery needed. You're darn right I would. You'd have trebuchets. You'd probably hire somebody to make the snowballs for you. If it isn't fully automatic, I don't want it.

Yeah. All right, you are up. I'm going snowball fight. What is your number one pick? Man, I'm between two. All right, I'm going to take the snowballs that I can make. OK. I'm going to take a snowman.

Oh, a snowman. You can make a big. I can make a big. I can make three big snowballs. Yes. That is easy to do. But building a snowman is kind of like, it's like the default first thing I do. Is it fun? You enjoy it?

Not really. I build a small snowman. Do you feel obligated once you see snow to build a snowman? I really do. Like, when I get in snow, almost always the first thing I do is just like, I build a small you feel do you feel obligated once you see snow to build a snowman? I really do like when I get in snow almost always the first thing I do is like just start building up a little snowman I'm not making something life-size. I'm just making a little tiny snowman on the ground But that's that's really common and my son Isaac always loves making snowman like that's one of his he

Has his favorite thing okay? All right, so you're going snowman. I think it's a good pick. You've got another one. Oh, I got two? Well, that's great, because I was between two, and that makes it easy. I'm gonna pee. I'm gonna pee in the snow.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want. Now are you writing something? I'm writing my name. For sure. It depends on how full I am. I might need to go initials, but usually I can get that whole thing done.

It's one of the worst things about being named Bartholomew. Oh man, good luck. You can never actually get that whole name out. Without kidney problems. Yeah, I mean, peeing in the snow is a good time. The hot and the cold, put them together, it just makes sense.

As a man, that feels like one of the true privileges I have. Right, yeah, because- Because I can go right in the snow. I think it's a lot easier for us. It's not that cool, but it's way easier. Yeah. So you're gonna you're gonna build a snowman and you're gonna pee on them. I don't know if I'm gonna pee on the snowman. Oh, okay. But I'm gonna pee on the snow that built the snowman. I will build the snowman. Okay, all right. I'm gonna go with sledding. Have you ever peed in the snow? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, many many times times always very curious at how well it will melt and that's the hot smarty

Exactly. Yeah, can I bet like can I just get a hole to? Do different people have different temperatures or as all our pee the same temperature I guarantee mine's hotter than yours That's the better one? I don't know if it's good, I just know I run hot. Does it burn when it's coming out? Oh my gosh, we have to test this. I don't know about that. Can I go back to picking sledding?

Sure. I'm picking sledding. That is fun and it's also not like... Even when you're older you can go grab a sled and go sledding. You don't have to go on the biggest run or it's just a fun activity. Everybody wants to go fast through the snow and hopefully not hit a rock.

You know what I mean? So I'll go sledding and then the, I can't draft P. Because that one's already gone. Poop. Poop in the snow. I wanna see how hot my dump is. I can't draft P because that one's already gone. Poop. Poop in the snow. I want to see how hot my dump is.

Oh man. I will go ice skating. I will go ice skating as the picturesque fun thing to do in the snow. Now I imagine that's fun if the snow is falling too. I am so happy you picked ice skating because it is on my list Ice-skating in the snow seems like the way to do it. Like I would imagine you're on a lake like this is real ice skating There's there's no like brought in manufactured Refrigerated, you know frozen water. This is

Nature's ice rink and I love that but what I hate and I mean hate you have no I this is this is a fear We're not talking no. No, you're not afraid of falling through. Oh, of course everyone is and should be but that's not where I was going Oh, that's that's terrifying No, but what I hate is Ice-skating I hate If you're good at hate hate hate it and that's the reason why I hate it, because I am bad, bad, bad at it. So do you fall? I don't do it, Andy.

OK, OK. If I don't fall, I don't put myself in a situation to be able to fall. I'm usually like walking around the outside holding the wall. Oh, really? You're one of those? Yeah, I don't wanna be there, man. Yeah. I'm not good, it's funny too

because it went straight to my kids. I have a boy and a girl twins and obviously we don't get a lot of ice skating experience in Arizona, it's not a common thing. So when I took them ice skating, we were on a cruise that had an ice skating rink of course and It's all Chris's must that I forget which line but one lines. They all have ice rinks in them Is pretty common anyways

my daughter She was she was a pro. She just Just was an ice skater Man your son my son had a bad time. I mean, he was so angry. He was so upset at how. Was this as bad as when you were paddle boarding or whatever you were doing?

Yes, it was just like that. He couldn't do it. He was frustrated. And it's like you're out. And your daughter's just pirouetting all over the place. Yeah, and you're wanting to get. You're just like, you've got to be out there for whatever the allotted time is,

so it's like you come in in 20 minutes, so he's just, it was awful. Were you a roller blader? No, no, same thing. I don't have the, I don't have the skill. Did you try? Nope. Oh, okay.

Well, that makes more sense why you couldn't ice skate. You really just didn't wanna endeavor onto thinner amounts of putting your weight on. I didn't need to. I like running. You've lived your life just fine without it. Yep. Alright Jason, back to you. You have a snowman. You've written your name with P as one is known to do and now it is time to select the next best thing to do in the snow. Alright, I'm gonna take skiing. Skiing is something you can't do without snow. You know what I mean? You can ice skate without snow. I think for most people listening that

have experience with snow, they would be shocked that we took it at this stage of the draft. But I didn't feel like I could pick it because I've never been skiing. Ever. Really? Never. You've been skiing. All the deuces, have you all been skiing? I've never been skiing, ever. Really? Never, you've been skiing, all the deuces, have you all been skiing? I've been water skiing. All right, turn the mic off. Yeah, let's not let him do the talking anymore. I have skied, I have never snowboarded,

I'd like to try that. Okay, yeah. I have skied, I have not snowboarded. And you got a big concussion when you skied. I, oh, I had to have. I've only gone skiinged and you took you got a big concussion when you ski. I sure I had to have I've only gone skiing once in my life. It was a ski trip. So it was a couple a couple days of skiing but it was fun and I felt like I

Really felt like I got the hang of it pretty quickly unlike ice skating. I felt good at it Which so you're like, let's do one last run. One last run, and then it really wasn't my fault. It was the kid going sideways. But anyways. And you ran into him? He clipped my ski while I was going very fast. And then you ended up tumbling down the mountain? Oh man, I wish I could've seen it or I had it on video.

That'd be an all-timer. I definitely Cartwheeled 100 times All right, so you'll take skiing you'll you'll grab that one It's a great value pick right now where I go to the snow most often. I love hiking What I'm I'm not hiking in the snow. The place where it snows, when it isn't snowy, I go hiking.

Oh, okay. When I go up to the cabin, I love to hike. I love to walk. I do not like walking in the snow. Walking in snow is awful. It sucks. So, I'm gonna take a snowmobile. That seems awesome.

I wanna ride around and watch all these people who can barely walk through the snow, and I hope, I don't know for sure, but I hope the back of my snowmobile kicks up a bunch of snow. Yeah, you can whip some snow in their face. Oh, absolutely, I'm gonna be like that. Snowball fight!

That car drivin' through the puddle while you walk down the street. That's you? Yeah. I think ridin' a snowmobile would be awesome. For some reason that seems way more fun than like an ATV when it's not like, I have no desire when it doesn't have snow.

Like I wanna walk. I don't wanna take a little ATV, that doesn't seem fun. But put snow on there and I don't wanna walk. I wanna ride on a snowmobile. I don't believe the words you're saying about walking or hiking However, I've been on jet skis and I am mad. That's how I yeah, I think about it Have anybody all fun in Doosers Alley been on a snowmobile? Not me I've been water skiing

So look that's a great pick I just put it on my list and would love to have picked it. I've never done it. It sounds great. Is it back to me? It should be. My final two picks? One, I'm going to go ice fishing because I'm just sitting and that sounds great. I love sitting.

Dude, that's where I'm terrified. And I know it's- Because the whole, you're going to fall into it? I'm cutting into the frozen lake or river. It just seems so dangerous.

And people obviously ice fish all the time. No, you know, it's that- I think it's safe. You're only ice fishing when you need to core out a big- Josh, you've ice fished before, right? I have. Oh, gosh. Thank goodness. And, you know, you're to core out a big, Josh, you've ice fished before, right? I have. Oh gosh, thank goodness.

And you're just hanging out, you're fishing, you're in a shack, you're probably drinking something delicious. That's what I wanna do. Okay. So that would be my first pick. The second one, man, I'm not taking that. I'm not taking that.

I'm gonna say trying to build an igloo. Really? Now, is that... Do you build igloos out of snow? Or you're just doing that in the snow and you've brought blocks of ice? Do you need ice for that? Does it have to be ice? We know nothing about snow. I know nothing about igloos.

Here's what I know about igloos. Like I said, snowboarding. An igloo is... Do you know what an, describe an igloo. An igloo is a small structure built of blocks of ice that somehow is supposed to keep you warm. That's literally what I think of it. I don't know if that's right or not right,

but that is like factually what my brain knows an igloo is so on today's episode of What did we learn today? I want to learn what in the world is an actual igloo. I Feel like I've seen those survival shows where people dig out Like shelters igloo is a dome shaped dwelling made from blocks of snow or ice Okay, whoo typically used in the or ice. Okay, whew! Typically used in the Arctic region. Yeah, that's what I love doing. Also known as snow houses or snow huts.

So you're building a snow house. Yes, that sounds fun! That's pretty cool! Yeah, so you got one final pick, Lucky. I'm gonna go tubing. Tubing. I'm gonna go tubing. Hmm.

Yeah, I think that's cool yeah very different yeah you just were about to take snowboarding before this draft as we're as we find out our draft that I'm like I go sledding tubing goes those are the same thing and now we took it well cuz you took slut first yeah all right you can do tubing tubing is it's very similar to the sled, only you're on a tube. Yeah, and it's really fun. And I'm gonna be honest with you, Andy.

I would rather go tubing than sledding. Ha ha, you got the wrong vehicle. Which one's more likely to eat it? Like for you to fall? I feel like tubing. Feel like sledding. No, sledding? But if you fall tubing, your tube is bouncy and soft, whereas your sled will knock you out.

So you're saying it's better to be on a tube. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. But that's for like if you're not a pro or experienced. Like the kids would get on tubes and the pros would get on sleds. Yeah, pro sledding is a huge, huge thing.

Huge sport. I believe it's being added to the Olympics. You notice neither of us drafted snow angels? Oh, I forgot about that. Would that have been one of yours? So it's cool, whatever, but to be honest, you gotta lay down in the snow, man. Why is that fun?

Yeah, you do get pretty covered in snow. I don't understand why that would be, that's nowhere near as fun as peeing on the snow. What's the biggest snow, like, like play day mistake you've ever made? Because for me it was we did not buy our kids the waterproof gloves. Oh gosh. Everybody had like mittens and stuff and within two seconds they had hypothermia. Yeah that's that's a big problem. We don't know about snow people. No what are snow who are snow people? They sound scary. Hunting snow people. No, what are snow, who are snow people?

They sound scary. Hunting snow people is one of my picks I didn't take. Oh, we're going six rounds, hunting snow people? What does this say Al? You're trying to tell me. It says generally tubing is considered better if you want a carefree, faster ride, but- With less control.

With less control, but sledding is better if you want more maneuverability and steering. Which I clearly- You can steer a sled? Yeah, you can steer a sled. Like without reindeer, but sledding is better if you want more maneuverability and steering. Which I clearly- You can steer a sled? Yeah, you can steer a sled. Like without reindeer? Oh, dang gum it, I had some on my- Without reindeer?

I, oh man. Oh, you forgot to pick something? I did, I was gonna pick- You wanna substitute tubing? Yeah, can you want me to, can I? Yeah, go ahead and get rid of tubing. Dog sledding. That's what you'd like to do?

Yes, because I, like, you know, when you go mush, what's that called? Is it just called dog sledding? Dog sledding, That's what you'd like to do? Yes, because I, like, you know, when you go mush, what's that called? Dog sledding. Is it just called dog sledding? Oh my god. Well, I thought there was like a name for like a sport. Wait, if that had been called something else, would you have taken the thing that said mush

or the dog sledding? It's literally called mushing. I would take dog sledding, that name sucks. Mushing? Is that because of, we all read the books when we were young of the great dog sled races? Yeah, mushing is a sport or a transport method powered by dogs. That's different than dog sledding?

No, mushing is dog sledding. Yes, it is. It is. Okay. Just like sledding is tubing, which I get both now. All right, that'll do for today's draft. Hold on. What did we learn today?

If you get both, which one are you sitting on? Which one would you pick? I think I'm taking the sled still. You liar. I think I'm taking the sled. I want the control. I think if you're up at the top of a hill and there's a sled and a tube. No, I've been on a tube on the top of a hill and when you go down in a tube, you absolutely

have no control. You are out of control. Any direction you have... When you're on a sled, I can lean left and right. I will say too on the tube, your bum is in like the hole of the tube and exposed to like rocks. Oh yeah. I've taken a rock in the bum on a snow tube. You're telling me... I guess what I mean, what is it? What kind of sled? All of them. You can just lean left and right and you can angle. But I'm saying... You can also take your feet out and stop yourself.

When I say a sled that you're doing a snow sled, describe what that looks like to me. A snow sled? Yeah. It can either be one of those plastic sleds that you get in that's like a- Like a shield? Not a shield, no.

Because I've seen those where it's like- A sled shape. Okay, is there metal- There can be. Bars under it? An old school sled would be like a sled shape. Okay, is there metal? There can be. Bars under it? An old school sled would be like a piece of wood with two metal outside pieces and it's shaped like a rectangle and you go down a hill.

That seems fun except I feel like they don't make those for my size. That might be true. And the tube. Unless you have reindeer. The tube, we can get you in there. All right. All right, what'd you learn to do? I learned what an igloo was I

Didn't know for sure Yeah, yeah, I Boy, I learned what bum shuffling Is when it comes to cleaning your house and I am not going that direction So you're putting your feet in the toilet you disgusting pig Not even a clean toilet, huh? I don't think so. It's something, it's a mental

hurdle. Makes sense. Pee and poop goes there. Yeah. Oh. Maybe we'll have a snowball fight. Take care everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com