Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 32: Andy's Childhood Tape and Me Pee Pee Da Bed

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Sweet mercy there are some can't miss moments on this episode. Between asking and answering questions, stories of wetting the bed, and the most incredibly timed question ever imagined you will enjoy this episode. A lot of people have been waiting to hear what is on Andy's cassette tape from his childhood and you won't be disappointed. Be sure to subscribe, review, and share the Spitballers Comedy Podcast with your friends! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. There it is. Look, I had the brakes fully compressed because of last week's fiasco. It felt good. It felt real good. And now I didn't get in on it. I know. You'll never know, Mike.

Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. It's not how I want to start things. I'm into it. Sometimes you feel like a scat. Sometimes you don't. Welcome to the Spitballers. Once again, a great episode. May or may not happen following that introduction. episode may or may not happen following that introduction. We're getting a lot of interesting comments on the social media platforms at SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, Facebook. People are saying that there's a real problem with the show.

Uh-oh. And it's unsafe. It's unsafe to exercise while listening. It's unsafe to listen at work. N-S-F-E. Yeah, not safe to exercise. Because of this. F for two. F for two, yeah.

Of course. Not safe to exercise. For two-y. For two-y. Not safe for two exercise. So I don't know if that means we have to contain things or not, but the last episode... I apologize for nothing.

...put some people down on the treadmills. Yeah, you know, look, we try to not just entertain those listening. We try to entertain those around those listening. So when you fall off the treadmill, we are providing entertainment to even those who have never heard of us. That is our real goal here.

Pay it forward. Exactly right. Pay it forward. Eat it on the treadmill. Yeah. We like people to be happy. We don't really care how it happens. I thought you were going to say we entertain ourselves on the show.

Oh, certainly. And that definitely happens. That's true. I'm really just here for myself on this. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to myself on this. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to get into it. We have a great show today, a draft that I am very much looking forward to.

I got to say, Jason, you just eviscerated us in the last draft. Yes. Yes, I did. Way worse than I thought it was going to be. We have Would You Rather on the show. That's a great question. And thank you so much for subscribing on Apple Podcasts

or wherever you listen on your Android devices. Thank you for listening. Thank you for telling your friends about the show. And look, we're having a lot of fun. You don't want to be a spitwad by yourself. That's just disgusting. No, you need a spitwad squad. Ooh, spit squad.

A nice rhyme. That's what i'm here for i feel i gotta i feel oh no there's a lot of feelings happening this is normally i feel metaphorically naked right now all right sir so like we usually when we when we do this show we have our laptops in front of us with you know the questions and whatnot and i don't know if listeners know this but i am the dumb one and so often i forget my laptop which has happened today and so i've got my little phone out here while you two have your big nice 15 inch uh laptops out and i'm i'm like i got my little bit of phone in front of me as if it was a laptop and I feel real, real dumb.

Yeah. It reminds me of, you remember the Palm Pilot days? Barely. Barely. When people, there was a time in which phones like this didn't exist and there were little organizers and they cost a ton of money and people, I feel like those products were like less helpful than writing things on paper. It was so much harder.

But people just went through the hoops because they wanted the cool thing? Yeah. This is super cool here. This is my choice. I don't want one of those big, clunky laptops. I forgot my laptop on purpose. I could put this laptop in my pocket. That's right.

Would you rather? Would you rather would you rather go through life unable to answer any questions or unable to ask any questions now mike he closed his eyes he is deep in thought he is considering the ramifications of both of these options what do you think both are terrible this is deep so if you couldn't answer any questions what are the ramifications of that universe well no one can get to your house as you couldn't give them directions or Or your address, even. Where do you live? So that means you can't even answer yes or no questions. That has to be the response to every question. I was going to ask, what comes out? Is it no sound at all, or is it... I plead the fifth!

Yeah, I think you've got to go with the... So where do you live? That would make for a very awkward wedding. Oh, man. Do you, Andy Holloway, take to be your lawfully wedded wife? And then you start laughing? You're actually butthead right now. But here's the thing.

You couldn't even ask your girlfriend to marry you. You're fired because that situation would never happen. Well, no, if you could ask questions, you could get the yes, but then you couldn't answer the question. Of course. So you're going to have a really bad wedding if you can ask questions but cannot answer. Now, if you can't ask questions, does that mean you're in the clear? You don't have to ever worry about the bad wedding because no one can ever say yes.

Terrible, terrible witness on the stand. You're either a terrible witness or a terrible lawyer. That's the two options. You're going to be held in contempt. No doubt. Very quick. Where were you on the night of January 27th?

He's guilty. He did it. If I can't ask a question, does that also mean I can't Google? No, I think you can Google. Well, you can't type a question either? All a Google is is a question. Sure, but I feel like this is more human interaction.

This is, you can't ask me or anyone else anything ever, might be i mean is there any advantage to either of these like i'll be honest i'm a apparently a terrible father the first thing that happened when you said oh you can't answer any questions was like oh i get out of homework duty with my kids like dad i need help i can't answer i can't help well you could dad i need help that's not a question no no but when they're like what they're like, what's the square root of 322? No, you can get around with that. They just point.

But then what do you say? You give them a high five? You give them a thumbs up? No, because if you sit down with a math sheet and they got three times four, they just point at it. and then you can start working through this is how you do multiplication you're not out of the clear for homework man yeah it's probably fair that's um what do you think what do you go with i wonder what our listeners would go with

i'm gonna go if as long as i can still google'm going to go unable to ask any questions. Okay. Because Google has the answers to almost everything. You're just trying to be the highest functioning person that can't ask questions. I think I lean on that side, too. It would be way too awkward, too hard to function if you couldn't answer any questions. Would you like ranch with your fries? Oh, no. I can't ever get ranch? You can say, I'd like some ranch with your fries? Oh, no. I can't ever get ranch?

You can say, I'd like some ranch with my fries. You can request things and talk. Oh, yeah. The homework paradox that we've discovered. All right. What do you think? I'm going to take the no answering of any questions. I want to, like I was going to say, I'm going to try that today.

I'm going to try to not be able to answer any questions, but I'm going to have to start that in about 45 minutes or I'm out. There's also a section in here called that's a great question. Yeah. That's going to be a problem. Finn on the website wrote this question for us, or this would you rather scenario. Would you rather get your daily exercise while sleeping,

oh my goodness, that would be amazing, or be able to eat anything you want and have it be healthy for you? Oh, my gosh. That would be amazing. First off, shout out to Huckleberry for this question. Yes, Huck. Then there's no other Finn, right? Correct.

Yeah. Isn't Finn one of the Star Wars characters? It is. Oh, yeah. You're right. Yeah. So you're wrong. Would you rather get your daily exercise while sleeping or be able to eat anything you want and have it be healthy for you?

In many ways, these would have the same result on you. These are my no. No, because you can eat healthy and not really put on muscle mass. Correct. Right, and I am a testament that you can work out and eat poorly and still be fat. Because I work out a couple times a week. Fat and shredded. I go for the fat and shredded look.

And I do have muscle mass. I'm going to be a great old lineman. Mass. If you do daily exercise while you're sleeping. Yes. Do you wake up feeling refreshed? Yes. Or do you wake up feeling... I mean i mean okay so you're refreshed because you got sleep this is but does your body have the soreness of a workout i'm gonna say no because this is obviously this is magic this is meant to be

basically if you could go to bed and let's say you could just like put a little patch on your arm and then go to sleep and then you wake up and it's worked all the muscles out. They have those electric machines for your abs. But one that actually works. Right. So this is not just like this is going to sleep. I'm getting a solid eight hours, right?

I need my sleep. So I'm coming out like the rock. Is that eight hours of workout or is that just a one hour workout in there? Oh, no, no, no. I'm working out the whole time I'm asleep whole time without question i'm taking the exercise while sleeping because i can make good choices with my food during the day and even if i make bad choices that eight hour workout is going to knock out most of that i'll be honest without a question the way i'm going

these have both been legitimate dreams of mine like i know we did a you know genie grants you three wishes question before but that's like genuinely if i could eat whatever i want and everything i ate was was not just not harmful but was nutritious actually good for you it was as if i'm eating broccoli and tomatoes and salmon and whatever is whatever it gives me the perfect combination of nutrients. It's all quinoa. Everything is quinoa? If I could eat nonstop donuts and have the deliciousness of whatever I want. Oh, butter?

Yes, please. More butter. Everything is just the worst. But when I put it into my body, it is nutritious. That's like the pinnacle. This is what science should be working on. Totally. Why have we not been able to get there?

Get this Mars crap out of my face. Stop trying to take seeds out of watermelons. Start making donuts. Start making donuts. The seeds out of watermelon is one of mankind's greatest feats. That's the problem. Have you recently eaten a watermelon with seeds? No.

Yeah, you don't remember what it was like. I want to eat donuts that count as vegetables. Seriously. Or you can do it either way, scientist, Mr. Scientist listening to the spitballers. If you can't figure out... Mr. Scientist. Mr. or Mrs.

Mr. or Mrs. Scientist. If you cannot figure out how to make a donut super nutritious for me, I'm okay with that. Figure out how to make broccoli taste like donuts. You can go either direction. Okay. So this is my answer. My answer is definitely the food because my body style, like people have different, you know, some people can eat anything. They stay skinny.

I don't got that issue. That issue on you you don't have that condition no i don't have that wonderful condition where i what is this a high metabolism i struggle from high metabolism so sorry i'm going with the daily exercise while sleeping because it's it also then saves time. Yeah. The hardest part of exercising for me is once I'm into it, all right, good, we're working out. There's an hour. Now I got to go shower. So I'm adding time to my life that I can spend.

That's fair. That really is a big piece of it. If I could snap my fingers and be in the middle of a workout and then snap my fingers and be all like showered up and ready to go. Now, do you sleep? Do you wake up sweaty from the workout? Oh, you're sweaty. You're definitely sweaty. So you got the rubber sheets on the bed. Otherwise, that mattress is ruined. Rubber sheets?

Oh, yeah. I'm picturing this like tire bed. I am reeling into myself like someone just scratched a chalkboard thinking of rubbing around on rubber sheets. I'm thinking of him laying on rubber and then pulling rubber

up over him. Oh, your hair's getting all caught? No, it's not. I'm not. My outer sheet's terrible. Just the fitted sheet. The fitted sheet is rubber. The fitted sheet protects the mattress from all the sweat. If I was going to pee my bed every night, don't you put it? Am I using the wrong word?

Is rubber sheets not a thing? It's certainly not a thing. It's definitely not a thing. They have like pee pads for the kids. There's things you can put under your bed. Were you guys bed wetters? No. Out of pure curiosity asking for a friend.

I definitely was. I was not. I only wet the bed one time that time that i remember as like define was is this a current issue we should talk about this for a second because i remember this very vividly did you ever wet the bed at a friend's house for a sleepover no i don't think lucky son of a gun i never had to that. I had to deal with that multiple times. Wow. Multiple.

This explains a lot. And let me explain something to you. As a young... And I don't feel any guilt over this because I didn't have any control over it. You know, you're a little kid. You can't control whether you wet the bed or not. Right? Well, good for you.

I feel like you could easily have had shame that you should, even though it's not your fault. Oh, I have shame. No shame now, plenty of shame then. Okay. But here's the worst scenario. And I had to do this multiple times as a young kid. You do the sleepover.

If you woke up and you wet your bed, not only did you wet the bed at a friend's house, but here's the real thing that nobody thinks about. You now have to, at 2 a.m., at a random house that you've never been at, find a bathroom. That, my friends, is the worst thing you can do. That's the issue? That's the problem? That's one of the worst.

Okay, just throwing this out there. What if you didn't pee the bed, and you wake up, and you have to go to the bathroom? Same problem. The biggest problem is, I have to find a restroom. No, no, no. And you wake up and you have to go to the bathroom. Same problem. The biggest problem is I have to find a restroom. What I'm saying is I specifically remember with wet pants, in a pitch black house, trying not to wake your friend. Because that's the thing.

You can't wake your friend. You can't wake your friend's parents because you peed your pants. Okay. So then I did it wrong. Because I said there's one memory I have. I'm feeling just so many emotions for little Andy right now. It was really embarrassing. I can't imagine.

So I wet the bed once. It was like a camping trip in a cabin. Did you go big, though? Like, did you really wet it? I murdered that bed. He didn't have the rubber sheets on. That bed. Dad, can I get the rubber sheets?

Died via drowning. Okay. I drowned this bed in all of my bodily urine. But the thing is. Bodily urine? I don't know. You didn't let that one go. I was going to let it go. I wake up.

I don't know how old I am. I'm young. And I decided. And this was what i thought you were saying the worst thing is what you have to do because in my brain what i had to do was go get the mom oh is that what you did that's what i did and so i had you know my bed yes that's it you have, huh? Where did you find the audio? Me pee-pee'd my bed. Is this how you spoke? Yeah, oh yeah.

I was like, Marcy, Marcy, wake up. Marcy. That pee-pee'd the bed. That pee-pee'd the bed. And then she said, what's wrong with you? Kicked me out of the cabin. See, if you act like a little baby, then they let you off the hook. Didn't you hear me?

I have had to throw. Me pee pee. Me pee pee that bad. Me pee pee that bad. Oh. I've had to throw away multiple versions of underwear. I mean, you've got to hide the evidence, right? The underwear has to go into the trash.

And then you go shorts. I know all this. I remember this from being a little kid. When you say multiple times, sorry to interrupt. I mean, probably. It was like 200 times. No, probably like two or three friends' houses I went through this where the underpants, they're done for. They're finished.

And then you have to go shorts, no underpants for the remainder of the time you're there. And you just hope nobody can smell anything. It's just terrible. It's the worst. What do you mean smell anything? The urine, bro. Your pee smells. But from where?

Are you wearing the pee shorts? Yes. And from your sleeping bag. What do you think you're doing here, man? I changed clothes. I don't wear the pee pants. Not everybody went to the mother to say, I pee pee the bag. I guess. What do you think you're doing here, man? I changed clothes. Not everybody has, not everybody went to the mother and to say, I be,

be the bag. I mean, be, be the bag. I, my sleeping bag would have been buried in their backyard. I, that's what I'm saying.

We would have woke up. Mike, where's your sleeping bag? Go. It's a, Mike, why are you wearing your French shorts and your sleeping bag is half buried in the backyard? Anyway, you know what?

We share a little bit of our lives on the show. Fortunately, I will tell you this. Eventually, it stopped. That's great news. I don't still pee-pee-da-bed. At 23 years old, he was done. I finished at 23. There you go.

23 and P. New sponsor. Oh, goodness. That's a great question. You think that's a genetic thing that they can find in your DNA, like bedwetter? It should be. Because then you can tell your kids. You can warn them.

You need the rubber undies the rubber undies keep them wait hold on they just gonna fill up like a water balloon i guess so i guess they call these things a diaper right not the rubber undies yeah rubber diapers you don't want absorption you just want things running off the side because that's what rubber does i'm just trying to protect things and i'm doing doing a poor job. You're going to go to bed. You're going to work out for eight hours, wake up in sweat, but it will just have pooled because rubber doesn't absorb anything. And so the mattress is fine.

That's true. It's a mattress protector made of rubber. It just creates a pool for your spouse to be doused in your own sweat. All right, here's a great question from Deb. She submitted this on the website, spitballerspod.com. She says, at work, if you go to speak to someone about a work-related issue, and she is speaking to someone else

about a non-work-related topic, what do you do? Do you come back later, or do you stand there and look awkward, or do you just barge right in? This is a great question. So that's tough. And let's assume this is important, right? This isn't like, I got a question I could answer myself,

but maybe I'll ask Barb. No, this is like, this is important work. It needs to get done. They're talking personal. They're talking just about their weekend yeah they're doing water cooler chats they're talking about the Game of Thrones they just watched I mean if that's the case then I would jump into

the Game of Thrones discussion we can't go that way or you scream no spoilers because you haven't seen the movie yet but if you go real awkward transition? Like you try to throw in a one-liner about their personal conversation and then move into the sports. Ooh, I need an example here.

I don't know. Get into the sports. They're talking about the week. They're talking about the – I'm sorry, then you get into the work. Why did I say sports? Probably because our work is usually sports. That is exactly why I said that.

They're talking about the barbecue they threw, and then you just throw in a like, yeah, I love pork chops. All right, listen. I've got this spreadsheet that I've got to. You just scream pork chop sandwiches? You could just scream it? Pork chop sandwiches.

Now, about that spreadsheet. I really need you to get that over on my desk. I mean, how long do you let them go? Or do you just, look, do you, can you use this as an excuse? In this situation, we're not the boss here. Right. Look, I went to talk to them about that. They were chatting about barbecue.

Oh, you sell them down the river? Oh, you sail them down. Oh, you're getting stitches, man. Oh, I am snitching. You are. Wait. Your first inclination is to go snitch? No, I'm exploring the possible outcomes for this user.

She didn't even ask that. She said, do I come back later? Stand there and look awkward or barge in. There's no go get the boss. Go tell the boss on them. Well, it's not go tell. They're talking about their weekend. It's not tattletailing. I'm saying go back to your-

I'm trying to get some work done. It is 100% the definition of tattletale. No, tattletale is when you do what you just described. What I'm describing is I go back to my desk, and I move on. And whatever I needed from that person, look, I couldn't get it. They were busy. It's only whenever, a day later, a week later,

it's like, what happened with the, hey, you were supposed to have this answer for me. And it's like, then you say, well, look. And you're just living in blame culture. Then you're not getting your work done. Here's what you do. They're talking, you stand there awkwardly, and you move forward one foot

every 30 seconds that's not bad until you're every 30 seconds you're gonna be real close i mean yeah yeah two two minutes in you're four feet i want you to in your normal stand okay every five seconds you take a little step forward until you encroach on the personal space and make it awkward i would go are, are these people in an office? I'm imagining them in an office. Yeah. So you walk up, you close the door, and then you Spartan kick the door open so that they notice you.

Oh, you don't think they'll notice if you just sidle in? Yeah, you're just part of the background. So when you said in an office, you didn't mean an office notice if you just sidle in? Yeah. You're just part of the background. So when you said in an office, you didn't mean an office building. You meant they're in a private office. If they're in a private office, you just leave them alone. Just let them. Just come back later. If you're chatting at a cubicle, how many times... So wait, just out of

curiosity. If they're in a cubicle, they're not worthy of their privacy as humans. But if they're in an office they're kind of a little higher you hear the same conversation you're like well it's a more private it's a more private environment right it is it is i wouldn't walk bar i wouldn't i feel like i'm imposing on their conversation more in an office i'm telling the truth so here's you you are close to something mike if they're in an office here's what you do truth. You were close to something, Mike. If they're in an office, here's what you do.

You walk in, you hear the conversation, and you shut the door behind you. That stops the conversation. It definitely would. Both of those people, you got their attention because you're going, they're in trouble. They're in trouble or you've got something important to share

or whatever. And then all of a sudden you just say, hey, can I get that file? Oh, yeah, here you go. And then you're out. I'm loving this, Jason. I'm loving this just for anything. Just life. I'm imagining me walking just to say hello to my children.

They're up in their room playing Legos, having a great time. I walk up, shut the door. Oh, you got their attention. How was school? Okay, I'll see you see you later wait i'm not in trouble no that's great the door shut that that's a power that's a power move it is a power move all right justin on twitter says is macaroni and cheese supposed to be eaten with a fork or a spoon that's a great question. That's a dumb question. Is it a dumb? Are we going to just all agree on this one? I don't know. Let's

do this. This might be the quickest question of all time. A one, two, three answer because there's a clear correct answer. Do you guys have your answer? Yeah, I guess I'm going to go with what I usually do. I know. Mike has variables about macaroni sizes and things like that.

What's the sauce like? Supposed to. That's the problem. The problem is the verbiage supposed to. Because I think there's a supposed to, but there's a should. Okay. All right. Well, let's just see.

I think supposed to and should are to be the same in this question. It's one, two, three, go. Yeah. One, two, three, answer. One, two, three, answer. All right. One, two, three, go. Yeah. One, two, three, answer? One, two, three, answer. Okay. One, two, three, slurps. Uh-oh.

What did we just say? I said the right answer. I said fork. Yeah. Andy and I said the right answer, forks. Spoon. Spoon? Yes.

So talk to us about your soup. It doesn't have to be soup. Okay. Talk to us about your cereal. Here is the problem with macaroni and cheese. When you get down and there's five noodles left, no longer does the scoop and clump with the fork work, and you're doing the stab job.

Why base your entire utensil usage on the last few pieces of macaroni? Great question, Andy. Because I want to easily consume all of the mac and cheese. I don't want to reach a frustration point where I've got this spear that it's just the noodles are not getting on. They're falling apart. I'm cutting them in half. You're not living the craft life here, are you?

This is what I'm talking about. You're talking about craft mac and cheese. Yes. So craft mac and cheese, I will say this. I make my craft mac and cheese a little bit more runny like i like it right i get milky so how are you getting the milky stuff up with your fork still use a fork do you still i can see spoon changing with the craft situation it see here's a thing there's this guys you have so much to learn about mac and cheese eating. I'm so happy this question was asked. If you make a soupy mac and cheese, okay,

you don't want to be drinking liquid runny cheese. It's not as... You want the liquid to kind of encapsulate all the noodles, but then that's the mixture and the ratio you want per noodle. Exactly. You want a spoon with holes in it so that you can have the... You want a ladle. Wait, no, a ladle doesn't have holes in it.

A spoon with holes in it like a mixing spoon that you let the liquid go through. So when you take a bite, you want all of the cheese powder to be left inside of the bowl while you eat your somewhat cheesy noodles. If you think that's what happens, Mike. I know that's what happens. Do they make spoons with holes in them, like normal-sized spoons with holes in them? I'm not talking about the big mixers. I think those are just called forks. I'm just wondering if a spoon with holes in it, if you'd prefer that to a fork.

Oh, man. Because of the actual carry ability of a spoon. This is why I said spoon. But you still can't stab. And sometimes I gotta stab my noodles. Stabbing noodles is the worst. That's why it's a spoon. Because you think stabbing noodles is wrong? No, because it's difficult. Mike's against

stabbing noodles. Yeah, noodles are people too. Noodles are not difficult to stab. They definitely are. New question, Andy. Have you ever found it too difficult to stab your noodles with a fork when eating mac and cheese? Only if there are two or three noodles left in the bowl. Yes, if there's the last few.

But I wouldn't base my whole eating on the last two or three noodles. But even then, there's two or three noodles left. I'm going to go ahead and scoop these up with my fork. I'm not going to stab them. Multi-purpose. You can use your fingers on those last couple noodles. Why would you use your fingers if you have a utensil? We're in a civilized culture.

I've seen you use your fingers many times to finish the plate off. Not for mac and cheese. Not for mac and cheese. But every other meal. But every other meal. Yes. You do the little finger scoop at the end. Of course.

And I will be honest at the end. I will do the drink from the side of the bowl. Did you ever used to put the noodles- Scrape it into my mouth? Oh, yeah, because you want to eat it all. Easily. And it's delicious. You ever put the noodles in a spoon?

And it works. What's your problem? I got a follow-up question. Okay. Is macaroon- Well, I guess for Jason, we know the answer because he's soupy mac and cheese, which is not how you do mac and cheese. That's the worst way to do it.

No, that's how you do craft mac and cheese. Yeah, that's not how you do craft things. Fancy mac and cheese. I don't want soupy. So should mac and cheese be served in a bowl or on a plate? Bowl. Bowl. Has to be a bowl.

Which does speak to the spoon very heavily. It certainly does. I'm going to love it if Andy and I are both bowl and fork, and Mike is usually a plate and spoon. No, bowl. Yeah, that would have been funny. Did you ever used to put the Kraft mac and cheese on each of the four fork pieces? Of course not, because I use a spoon.

Yeah. Even as a child? No, I definitely know that move. Yeah. I've done that. Alright. Did you get served mac and cheese with a spoon as a kid? I honestly do not recall. Alright. But the, uh, if you want

to walk down the macaroni and cheese, the craft way, because you're saying you're supposed to do it soupy. You know how you're supposed to do craft mac and cheese? With tuna fish. Oh. Yeah.

You make yourself a tuna hot dish. I've never done that. And we just lost our audience. I've never done that. Not my peeps up north. They are shaking in agreement. What, the peeps from Minnesota? Yep.

The Minnesota people are up there in their cold-infused delusions making mac and cheese with tuna fish. Making tuna hot dish. That's what it's called? Yep. The Minnesota people are up there in their cold-infused delusions making mac and cheese with tuna fish? Making tuna hot dish. That's what it's called? Yep. Tuna hot dish? That's right. Okay.

That sounds good if you were to sub the tuna with hot dogs. Oh, I'll do hot dogs. I'll do hot dogs. Put the sliced hot dogs in. But the tuna is the premium. Here's what I think of tuna hot dish. Yeah. Yeah. Well, to be fair, when you consume a lot of tuna hot dish, that happens.

So by not embracing that, I'm not embracing the... That's juicy Lucy country up there, right? That's right. And so let's just do whatever we want with food. Who cares? I like tuna. There's no rules. I highly recommend it.

I like mac and cheese. I brought it up simply because I knew the reaction would be very visceral. But I highly encourage people to actually try it. I'll be honest. It sounds disgusting and I am 100% positive it's delicious. I'll bet you anything if I eat it, I'd love it. Yep, you will.

Because I like those two things. We have one more great question for our draft. Griffin. Important question. Griffin, important question. Griffin, no. He's only 13 years old. Oh, what's up, Griffin? He's 13, and he has two seven-year-old twin sisters. Oh, all right.

I always seem to get blamed for everything. When I try to explain it wasn't me, I just get into more trouble. What do I do? Griffin, you have... I know what you do. You have oldest sibling responsibilities. I am sorry. This question could

not have come at a better time. You're the oldest sibling. Yes. Jason, I'm the youngest. You're the baby. I'm the baby. I have the funniest story ever about this. Perfect. Griffin, I was about your age when I did something very strategic to solve this problem. Something that my own mother found just a week ago. Wow.

Like a week ago, seven days from now? Correct. Maybe less than that. go seven days from now? Correct. Maybe less than that. Something that she had to show to me when I went over to my parents' house. Did she shut the door? And it was a cassette tape. And on that cassette tape was me having a fight with my siblings when I was 13 years old. Oh my goodness. What? And this tape was my 13-year-old effort to entrap my younger brother

into telling lies on the tape that I would later reveal to my parents. Oh my goodness. You blackmailed them. I recorded, apparently. you were the recorder i recorded an argument then using my astute 13 year old legal mind entrapped my brother into admitting all of the things he did now this was when my parents had gone to the store and i was in charge okay just finished watching the wire i was in i was in charge and apparently there was an

argument i decided to go and secretly record was this a conversation was this a talk boy from home alone too it must have been something just like that and i put the recorder on okay but you it was discreet you had it it was hidden all right and on tape, and I just listened to this, and I was both ashamed and amazed at myself, I recorded this fight, and I was fighting with my brother, and I got him to admit on tape that in the middle of the fight, he cursed at me two times. Two times. Uh-oh.

Potty mouth. The F-bomb. No! Two times. Mama, they're gonna be i got him to admit that he had uh been very mean to my 40 old sister on tape and then halfway through the tape i go well guess what ryan it's all on tape you did not you revealed i revealed and on tape, he breaks down crying. Oh, my goodness. This is seven days ago?

I just heard this tape for the first time since I recorded it at 13. We have to get this tape. Mike, we have to get this tape. We do. I will get you the tape. And he breaks down crying, and then I proceed to interview style, force him to tell the actual truth on tape for my parents. I don't.

I genuinely, right now, I am having an emotional struggle. I don't know if I am super impressed or extremely horrified right now. I was both embarrassed and amazed at myself. I'm terrified of you. I need clarification. You got him to admit to using the words or did he use the words on the tape? I got him to admit.

I asked him like on a court of law I entrapped him. I said on the tape I'd be like so Ryan in the of this fight, did you or did you not use the F word two times? So wait a minute. And eventually he'd go, yes, yes, I did. Oh, no. So hold on. Hold on.

We got to reel this back. Are you telling Griffin that what he needs to do. Record those little kids. Record them. Record them. Record them. So that he too can be an intelligent, unbelievably smart monster. Here's the thing. Your parents generally, look, two twin seven-year-old cute little sisters.

They're going to win every time. He's got older sibling problems. He's got to record them so he has proof of their demonic plans. Now, did you show this tape to your mom back then? Yes. So she just kept it. She's like, oh, I got to hang on to this. Oh, I would cheat that for sure.

The reason this even came up is the Maria Kondo. Oh, no. She's sparking joy everywhere. Everybody's going through all of their old stuff. Yes, we are. And throwing all of it away. And so she digs up old tape of this, and she didn't know what it was. And she plays it, and she hears this huge fight.

I'm 34 years old. This is 21 years ago. Wow. A cassette tape of me entrapping my siblings. I can't wait. I can't wait to hear this. I will 100% give you that tape. Oh, this is great.

Griffin, record is great. Griffin, record your sisters. They're not as sweet as they appear to the outside world. I know this from experience. Well, it's easier now. Now there's all these tiny... You can have video to this. Use your Apple Watch, Griffin. Record them.

Yeah, Griffin, you better have an Apple Watch. You better have six or eight Nest cams. You can prove it. Wow. Anyways, I told you I had cams. You can prove it. Wow. Anyways, I told you I had a story. I cannot believe this question. Two days ago, I was at their house, and my mom insisted I heard this tape. That's unbelievable.

I mean, we didn't put these questions in. No. That is fortuitous. No, and I'll be honest with you. When I listened to it, and it's about 10, 15 minutes long, about half of it I had in my head in my hands out of just my poor siblings. That's all I kept thinking. What did you think of yourself on tape?

Did you think, oh my gosh, I was- I kept saying, poor Ryan. Poor Ryan. He had no hope. He had no chance. But at the same time, I was a little bit proud that I figured this out because I had older sibling problems too. And here's the one thing I will say.

As the older sibling, i made a rule for myself young and i was really proud of this i never punched like i made a rule i would never punch my brother right in the face oh and the so dead arm is still he would try to punch me in the face all the time really yeah i mean he's two and a half years younger he'd get in an argument we'd be you know wrestling physical he'd try to punch me in the face all the time. I made a rule. I'm never punching you in the face. But dead arms happened.

Dead arms happened. Look, that's a fair rule. I think it's a rule that I'm surprised had to be made. I don't have a brother. So maybe. Yeah, you guys. I mean, I could have beat him up all the time. I've heard the stories of my wife's brothers of of the way they would fight, and it's intense.

I know that was a long story, but do you guys have any hashtag worth it? Unbelievable, right? So, yeah, record them. Older siblings, number one. Let's get to the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right.

We'll see if Mike and I can redeem ourselves from Jason whooping our booties on this last draft. Probably not. This is a great one. This is a... We're drafting the best mythical creatures to have as pets. All right? Okay. And I have the very first pick in this draft.

There is a clear 101. Really? There's a clear number. If he doesn't take it, I will, and you'll go, oh, yeah. There's a clear 101 for me. And this was without doing any research, and I'm just trusting my gut on this one and so i have the first pick it's a snake draft and i am 100 and now i've look it's not just having lord of the

um uh not lord of the rings but uh yeah you're taking the right one i'm taking the dragon okay yes the dragon is the dragon is my number one shoot it's just i can fly it it is destructive to my enemies. It is loyal to me. If you've ever read, did either of you ever read the book Aragorn? No. This was a great book that illustrated how great a dragon would be as a pet because he raised this dragon.

Don't know how to read. That'll slow you down. Audiobooks, though. Oh. Don't know how to listen. But a dragon is wonderful. They are the most indestructible, damaging creatures. And you get to fly.

My only worry with that is, as a pet, and you bring up damaging, I know what my dogs have accidentally done to the yard or to a couch. Dragons are more intelligent than your dogs. Well, but one sneeze in your house is a misplaced sneeze. Do dragons breathe fire when they sneeze? Of course they do. Most dragons are extremely allergic to things, so the

sneezes come frequently. I'm going dragon. Number one, dragon. Feel good about it. Trusted my gut. No, it's the right call for sure. Mike? This one's hard without a laptop. Oh my gosh.

It's hard with a laptop to be fair. It's hard to make the right pick. The context of pet, it definitely changes things up a little bit. The thing is you could define what you value in a pet a lot of different ways. Of course.

People have dogs that they value the fact that they defend their home. Of course. And so I'm going to go. I get to fly to. My animal is far more beautiful. It's a majestic creature. And you know what? Sometimes I want to roll around on the

ground that's how i can go so i'm taking pegasus i'm taking the flying horse interesting i don't i don't blame you there so here's the thing about the pegasus i i know my next two picks already and they're basically well that's good because you have two picks that That is correct. So I wanted to be able to fly, but I wanted Pegasus to have a horn, and he doesn't. Because the unicorn is so in style right now. It's so vogue. No, no. Unicorns are very cool. Unicorns have magical powers.

It's so in style right now. Oh, goodness. It's so hot right now. When did unicorns go out of style? Never. Was there a time when people were like, unicorns, I hate them. Here's when unicorns came in style. So is unicorn your official pick?

Unicorn is my pick, yes, 100%. You realize it cannot fly. That is correct. All right. The unicorn is in style and became in style more and more when my daughter became nine years old. I mean, I've got a nine-year-old daughter. She's all about the unicorn? Yeah.

Oh, my daughter loves unicorns. You want to know who's the best dad in the world? The one who got his daughter. What'd you get? A pony? Ha! I laugh in your face. We've got a unicorn.

That's a pet. That's a pet. I considered unicorn here because of that fact, that you would be the best dad in the entire world. So I've got a unicorn, but now I'm looking at you two, and I'm jealous of flight. I have to be able to fly. The unicorn can't get that job done.

So I'm going to go into one of my absolute favorite fantasy worlds, and I'm getting the hippogriff from Harry Potter, Buckbeak himself. I can defend myself, not against a dragon, but certainly against burglars. I can fly. He's a great pet. Love my first two, unicorn and a hippogriff. Let me ask you a question.

What's the difference between a hippogriff and a griffin? Is the griffin a lion butt, but the hippogriff a horse butt? Is that the difference? A griffin is the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. Okay. And a hippogriff is a specific creature? A creature with the front part of an eagle, hind legs, and tail of a horse. So I was 100% right.

Yeah. It is a horse butt versus a... So you chose a horse butt versus a lion butt. Yeah, because it's a pet. I don't need something to accidentally destroy the house. Because it's a... Yes, I... A lion butt is far more dangerous than a horse butt? 100%.

Why would a lion butt be more dangerous? Let me ask you this. Isn't the essence of how a horse hurts things kicking them? Yes. Well, let me ask you this. It is. Let me ask you this. Lions don't kick. No. Lions claw. They have a giant claw.

Not with their back feet. You're telling me their back feet don't have razor sharp paws on it? They certainly do. If you're concerned about who's walking on your dinner table, you probably don't want the lion. Okay. I'm just clarifying. Does that mean?

Okay. All right. So you've got a unicorn and a hippogriff yes mike you took a pegasus which is a flying horse correct that is correct but no horn correct okay it is it's complicated mythical creatures are definitely complicated i it's tough with a with andy having two picks in front of, but I'm going with my gut here. One of the hardest parts of being a pet owner, eventually your pet moves on.

What if your pet never had to move on because he could be reborn from his own fire? I am taking the Phoenix. That is a Oh my goodness. I am taking the Phoenix. That is a... It's on my list. I am taking the Firebird, who is... Look, having a Firebird is awesome. Firebird that never dies.

What dies? Even... What dies... It just is reborn from its ass. It just comes right back to me. That is a... Even better. That is a spectacular pick.

Thank you. So I'm worried here. Let me give some insight to the listeners here. I had made just a list. Because I don't have a laptop, pick thank you so i'm worried here let me give some insight uh to the listeners here i had made just a list because i don't have a laptop i did my old brain noggin thinking uh and you're already out of picks and i'm close i'm close to out of picks here because oh the scramble pick drag the dragon the phoenix the pegasus, the Hippogriff were all on my list. I literally have two left on my list. And you're worried about me taking them?

I'm worried about anybody taking them, but yes. A tilt pick for this draft will be fantastic. Oh, no. And one of them is a – one will not be picked because it's the worst pet you could ever have. Here's what I'm curious about because it's the pet thing that is a little bit confusing. I see. It's tough. To me, when I think about things.

Here's what I'll do. I'm going to actually, I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to go with a fairy. Okay. I'm going to go with the fairy, because I, and I'm going with the fairy because I'm thinking of it in terms of. What can I cage? No.

Yeah, a fairy is definitely a house pet the fair a fairy is a nice house pet a fairy would be able to go and get very small things for me that i need you know and you know it's almost like a little strange though because you're like you're more concerned that she can go get you a slice of cheese than like grant you magical powers? Can she help you fly? Tinkerbell can. What's Tinkerbell? Tinkerbell is a Disney fairy. In theory, a fairy is somebody that you could talk to and be friends with. If I choose something that is just enormous and uncontrollable,

that's not a great pet. I feel like a dragon. That's not a great pet. I feel like a dragon. Yeah, you just described the reasons to not own a dragon. Moving on. If I pick something huge and destructive. Luckily, there's an entire series that can teach you how to train. That is true. There's at least three movies.

I'm going to pick the fairy because I think that it's just a very convenient pet to have friendly flies around um i would treat it with fairness you know right and uh so i've got a dragon and a fairy and now i need another pick yes that is true and the face you are making says you are not prepared no the face i'm making is that i kind of feel bad choosing things that have human forms because I feel like I'm a slave owner of some sort. This is a dangerous line you're walking. Because, I mean, I have a decent-sized pool. So I guess I'm going to, I mean, should I keep a mermaid as a pet?

No, but it's too late. You just did it. It's on my list. I'm down to one. Wait. I'll live in a seaside town. I'm not going to keep this. This isn't going to be an orca whale situation.

I'm keeping this pet in free open waters. Okay. My question for you. Live your life, then come hang out. How do you guys define a mermaid? Are they human or are they fish? Because fish are great pets. The question is more of when you think of a mermaid, do you only think of Ariel?

They're happy-go-lucky. They live in the water. Yes. they're happy-go-lucky, they live in the water. Yes. Or there's the other side that people talk about mermaids where they're like evil creatures. Like sirens? That's not how I see it.

No, not a siren, but they like... Are there ugly mermaids? No such thing. No, because that's part of the deal. Cool, cool, cool. But they like... There's movies where they make mermaids eat people. I have not watched said movie.

Yeah, I haven't seen that one. So I was just seeing where your temperature was. So did I take one of your two that you had remaining, Jason? I'm sure you did. Yeah, you did. Was it Mermaid? Yeah, Mermaid. So you were going to pick a mermaid.

Well, and here's the thing. I know my other one. Great pick you were almost going to make. I could tell you my other one because I don't think we could pick it based on the conversation. I don't think either of you are going to pick it. Well, I'll let you do it after. Mike has a Pegasus and a Phoenix, two outstanding picks. But you're getting to the point now where you have to – there's powerful mythical creatures, but do they fit the pet?

Oh, I've got one that fits perfectly. Oh, great. Because it's a dog. A cerebus? It's got three heads, and I know that it can protect thing because uh it protects the land of the dead yeah so it's a pretty good watchdog i am taking cerebrus all right i that's a good pick probably a better one than mine um then you're half human well look i i'm so screwed is that your last one? No.

My last one was going to be. Oh, this is going to be so good. So when I made this list, I saw the question like a few days ago. So I just made a quick list off the top of my dome, off a quick Google search. And I didn't realize that it was pets. It was just like mythical creatures. So my last one was vampire. But I don't think that's a good pet. No, that is a horrible pet.

I mean, I would allow it as a mythological creature. Sure. But you are just keeping a person. No. And that. Yeah. And so. And not letting them see the light.

So I've got. So that's out. Right. So my list is done. Okay. Okay. Now I've got one that I'm happy to take. The problem is I have two picks.

So I'm going to go ahead and draft my leprechaun. Yeah. Because I get granted wishes. You guys are terrible people. No. Why do you get three wishes from every one of your mythical pets? And a leprechaun does not grant three wishes. No.

They've got infinite wishes. No. It's not a genie. A leprechaun may or may not lead you to gold. Yeah. There is an economic value. Then I'll take the gold value of a leprechaun may or may not lead you to gold yeah there is an economic value then i'll take the gold value that's if you can find it he's not just gonna willy-nilly give you his pot of gold have one it's not like i i don't get my unicorn because

i can't find it because they're rare and also don't exist some of this so a leprechaun which is a still in the shape of a human. As is a fairy. Yes, but I'm going to give it human attributes of this leprechaun. You are keeping said person as a pet. You think this guy wants to share his pot of gold with you? Well, yeah, because I'm the owner. So if he shares it with me, he's richer.

Better vet visits for that leprechaun darn right so now i've got my second pick coming and this is what's known as a nightmare because i am struggling to come up with i mean i've got some that are pretty much the worst pets that you could ever uh ever fathom okay um do you want to just mail it in at this point? No, no. I've got to find... The first no pick? No.

You've run out of time? All right. I'm just going to have to... I'm going to have to go with what I know. I'm going to go with Hydra. Okay. Okay, so you've got the multi-heads. I've got the multi-heads.

The problem is, I think it's a terrible pet. I think it would be a little wild. Yeah. Nice. Nice one. A little bit wild. So you've got the unicorn, the hippogriff, the leprechaun, the hydra.

Yeah. All right, Mike, you have one more pick. You've got just a dream team. I'm pretty happy with my team. How can you ruin it with some weird creature that only you like? Ooh. Look, if anyone can do it, it's you. It's definitely me.

I'm going to take a little bit more protection because I feel like with the Pegasus, the Phoenix, and the Cerebrus, I have enough beauty, which people want their pets to be beautiful, to be friendly. So I'm just taking a straight up meanie i'm taking the chimera which for those that do not know it's a three-headed monster it can breathe fire one head is a lion one is a snake one is a goat okay has lion claws it's got a snake so many heads around your house. It's a mythological creature, and this thing is definitely going to keep things on lockdown. You have Pegasus, Phoenix, Cerebrus, and the Chimera. That is true.

So you have four pets, but you have a total of eight heads. Is that what you're saying? Let's see. So I got six between two of them. Yeah, I think that's correct. Impressive. Impressive. Well, Jason with his Hydra can have infinite heads.

That's right. Yeah, well, if that's how you're voting, if you're voting on total heads. Vote Jason. Vote Jason. I've got the dragon, the fairy, the mermaid, and here's what I'm saying. I've got the sky covered with the dragon, right? Yep. I've got the ocean covered with the mermaid.

I'm going to head up north. You know what? And I'm going to pick a Yeti. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm going to head up north. You know what? And I'm going to pick a Yeti. Okay. I'm going to take a Yeti. Powerful. The Hendersons loved theirs. Harry was a great pet.

I mean, honestly, that's fantastic. Yeah, so I'm going to take the Yeti. I wish I had taken a Yeti. You should have taken Alf. Oh, dude, we've been watching Alf. No, you have not. I love Michael Keaton. Yeah, I swear.

You've been watching Alf? Right now, somehow, we got a DVD box set. We went to Disneyland. You've been watching DVDs? I was going to say that, too. No, but we got, for our drive to Disneyland, we have a DVD player in the van. And so we bought this box set of Alf because it was super cheap at, I don't know, at Walmart or something. They didn't just give it to you?

They said, here's ALF? It's fantastic. Now, I don't get to watch because I'm in the front, but I get to hear. And the kids are in love with ALF right now. ALF is the greatest. See, ALF, I could not make a pet because he was just too much of his own man. How do I make a random Alf joke and it turns into, oh, yeah, we're watching it. Literally, right now, it's on in our van.

That's crazy. All right. That finishes this draft. You can vote on our Twitter, at SpitballersPod. And what did you guys learn today? I learned that Andy was an investigative reporting monster against his siblings i learned that when i was a young boy i i said me pee pee that bad uh and i learned that oldest siblings are the best. Sure.

Kind of already knew that. An ending song? See you next time. Goodbye. You're kind of like our Yeti. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

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