Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 33: Statue of Limitations and the Best Soda Pops - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

Sometimes you don't want to know what is going on in the dark subconscious part of someone's mind... and yet here we are telling you all about ours. We have some weird minds over here. We give some great dating advice (naturally) and come up with firm rules about "spoiler alerts." Finally, we bring it all home with a soda pop draft. So get your bubbly ready, hit that subscribe button, and enjoy this episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That was all right. It's Satchmo. I was thinking Cookie Monster was with us here this morning. I just saw.

Welcome in, by the way. Scooby-Doo. It is Girl Scout cookie season. It is. It's a great season of life. And, you know, they have the different street corner people with the arrows and the, you know, they flip the signs. Cookie Monster was walking up and down the street in our neighborhood. Wait, is that for real?

Not spinning signs. Holding up a big old Girl Scout cookie. Well, at least he's doing his part to me. I thought it was genius. Yeah, that is great. Is that authorized? I don't know. Do you know the rules for Girl Scout cookie advertising i just know that there are rules there are rules

yes also like dressing up as cookie monster spending big money on a nice costume maybe not in the rules also probably not legal with copyright that's what i'm saying like you're using a trademark oh stop it it was ingenious look there's there are some cookie monster there are ingenious ideas that have been squadooshed by the girl scouts what is the official uh leadership committee of the girl scouts called is there the uh the women's scouts i'm not really sure what is uh how is there a president of the Girl Scouts? I would imagine so. Is there a queen?

Did you know? This was mind-blowing to me because my daughter is involved with the Girl Scouts. Yeah. You're the hookup for cookies around these parts. The Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts. These are two completely separate entities. Oh, really? There's no affiliation?

No, none at all. Yeah. So it's like the Girl Scouts start. This is a big thing. Which one do you think started first? I don't remember which one started first, but it blew my mind to know that they had nothing to do with each other. Yeah.

Yeah, I knew that. Now, speaking of all of that, let's talk cookies. Sure. Moving on. Because there's a big problem with some people having bad tastes on girl scout cookies saying things like the lemon cookies are the best girl scout cookies which is what who would possibly say we need a cookie draft at some point uh i don't think you need a cookie draft because there's there are not a girl scout cookie draft oh it's

overall cookie draft at some point yeah's overall cookie draft. At some point. Yeah, we definitely need to do that. Because Girl Scout cookies, there are two top tier cookies. Now, are you including Thin Mints? No, of course you two idiots would include Thin Mints. Yes. How dare you? They aren't the number one. This show is over. They aren't the best.

You know what's weird about it? Because this show is about cookies. The Spitballer podcast. Scoobababbee. Cookies. Yeah. The thing is, is that the recipe has changed from when we were kids. So the Thin Mints aren't as good as they used to be.

That's what I'm saying. Are they thinner? No, they're just, whatever efficiencies, whatever capitalistic efficiencies have hit the Girl Scout cookie factories. Hold out. Now the ingredients, it's not as tasty. There's a little more of artificial taste to it. No, no, no, no.

Here's what happened. Growing up in Andy's house, the only ones they bought were the Thin Mints. And so he's like, these are great. Now he's a grown up. He gets to buy any cookies he wants, and he realizes that Thin Mints are okay. They're okay, but they're no Samoas. Is that the coconut one? They're no Tagalongs.

Tagalong is the best one. Samoas can just Samo right to the garbage. No, Samoas and Tagalongs are the only two that are even necessary to exist. So you are super into coconut? No, I'm not super into coconut, but the texture. Do you love it? Do you want to marry it?

I did draft a coconut in our food fight to the death. Yeah, you love it. By the way, in 2015 the Girl Scouts were excited to share that Thin Mints are now vegan and have the same delicious taste. I thought that there was two options. So whatever vegan changes they made.

I'm sitting here. Oh, it was the animals. It was the animals that made it. It's probably eggs then, right? Yeah, or dairy and the chocolate. It's milk chocolate. Because at first I was like, wait, wait, wait. There was animals in the...

There were animals in Thin Mints? We had raccoons in there. I was just thinking vegetarian. Couple bits of skunk. Some lizard tails. Have you ever had bits of skunk as an appetizer? Yeah, I've had Thin Mints before they changed them. Back when the recipe was great.

All right, well, welcome to... They hit the woods. What do you think they're doing in there? That's right. They're collecting the ingredients. They get their badges for survival, and they collect the bits of raccoon out there and bits of skunk and put them in the- We've discovered a lot on this show in five minutes.

This show is about discovery. It's about, yeah. And digging deep into- Whistle blowing. Girl Scout whistle blowing. We're so deep. We are the deepest, most intellectual show that has ever happened. This really, we built the Spitballers podcast as a platform to push Mike's daughter's cookies.

Yeah. We're going to make her number one. Slide my DMs if you need them. Oh, my gosh. Well, welcome to the Spitballers podcast. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. That's where you can send us would-you-rather questions and life advice questions or draft ideas.

Whatever the case may be, the stuff you like listening to on this podcast, we get a lot of our ideas from you. So head over there. You can also talk to us on Instagram, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod We always appreciate the iTunes reviews

Subscriptions, that type of thing Especially the subscriptions If you're listening, you enjoy the show You're like, ah, this is cool Please subscribe, it moves the needle It's free It is one click and then we show up in your pocket Or wherever you keep your phone

Similar to a walk-it. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from 5Hguy. Oh. From the United States. 5H underscore guy. I apologize. That is 5H underscore guy. How do you, what's the official reading of when there's an underscore in someone's handle?

Space. Yeah, you treat it like a space. No. Do you? If you're giving a handle, you have to say underscore. Otherwise, people can't find it. That's where I lean. Yeah.

No, I agree. So this would be 5H. I meant their intention is to be like a space. Well, anyways, it's the review from 5H underscore guy. Thank you. Says life changing. I can only describe this show in one phrase, life changing. I came across your podcast about a week ago at work and have binged through almost every episode since then. I play the show when I'm working and it makes dealing with my incompetent coworkers much easier.

dealing with my incompetent coworkers much easier. Also, you guys have allowed me to rekindle the love I have of looking at the world through a comedic lens after years lost in this serious, stressed-out, studious college student mindset. I can honestly say this show has made me a better person and given me something to look forward to every day at work. Thank you all. Keep it up. Listen, 5-H guy, you did not go far enough here.

No. You did not go far enough on how- Incredible we are? Yeah, this is- That's what I got out of this. Yeah. We are unbelievably incredible. This is just like world changing.

Do they give, I mean, this is totally unrelated. like world changing. Do they give? I mean, this is totally unrelated. Nobel Peace Prize? Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to podcasts? They should. All right. At least an Emmy. Well, I think we could get like a Peabody. Oh.

I'm writing it down. And those are named after Mr. Peabody, of course, right? I assume. It has to be. I was wondering where you... He's an intellectual dog. If we can't... Look, if we can't get a Peabody, we could probably get a Mr. Peabody, of course, right? I assume. It has to be. I was wondering where you... He's an intellectual dog. If we can't get a Peabody, we could probably get a Mr. Peabody.

Yes, we'll have to make that award. We are very, very important people. Yes. Would you rather? All right, Mike. All right, Jason. We got some would you rather questions for the show today. This one comes in from Shall from the website. Shall we?

Shall we answer it? Would you rather be? Ooh, this is interesting. Would you rather be sweating or fighting off mosquitoes all night? Oh, man. This is worse and worse. That is exactly what it is worse and worse so we already we already know you got the rubber sheets from last week so if you're sweating

you're sweating right now okay your glasses are fogging up from the workout by the way two hours ago my wife wanted it was very important to her to let me know that the rubber sheets do exist. Ha ha! But they're the underneath ones. I knew of these ones for the post. Where does the urine go?

It's like a It's not just rubber. It's got an absorbent layer and then the rubber so that it doesn't go to your mattress. And then you usually put sheets over that. And then you wring it out. What we're looking at, let's be clear. I knew that that existed.

Jason, you're not a genius. What you said was basically cutting up tires, stitching them together into like a rubber. Mike was talking about his hair. That's what you heard. That's what I said. Mike was talking about his hair getting That's what you heard. That's what I said. Mike was talking about his hair getting pulled out. Simply rubber sheets. I imagine you just with a giant latex glove

just right over the... Just stretch it out. All right, back to the question. So sweating or fighting off mosquitoes all night, I don't... Now look, if you sweat all night, if all night long you're sweating profusely... No, no. You're dehydrated. I have to believe I'm losing weight. Oh. Now, look, if you sweat all night, if all night long you're sweating profusely.

You're dehydrated. I have to believe I'm losing weight. Oh. Well, you're losing water weight. But that's fine with me because I weigh less. You weigh less until the next day when you're dehydrated and you wake up multiple times throughout the night and have to drink. I remember when I was doing jiu-jitsu. You're going to need a big jug. When I was doing jiu-jitsu a couple years back,

and if there was a tournament coming up, I would go to bed in sweats. Right. And socks and double socks, and I would just sweat all night long like Lionel Richie. To cut weight? To cut weight. And so it works.

So, I mean, there's a huge advantage here. But the mosquitoes, all night long, they'll take enough of your blood away to where you'll weigh less as well. That's a good point. Now, but once the fingernails come out all over my body, it's scratching these mosquito bites. When they swell, do they weigh more? I'm choosing mosquitoes.

If your skin swells, do you weigh more? Yes, that's my question. No. No, what? What, do you think chickenpox people are going around 500 pounds? You did not add mass to your body. It's just a redistribution of the liquids of your body. Do you think you gain weight when you, like, swell?

So here's the thing, and I think this is scientific. It's probably true because I'm so smart. But if you work out and, like, do a bunch of push-ups, can't you weigh more than before? No. So what you're telling me is, look, I've watched some weigh-ins for a UFC fight. I watched a feller. He was a half a pound under. So you're telling me he could go in the back, stick his arm in a hornet's nest, come out and make

weight? Maybe. All that extra venom. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to choose mosquitoes because I imagine. What? How can you choose? You're a mad man.

Well, I'm imagining, can I pull the covers up and stuff? Yeah. Can I strategically fight it? Sure. Like the sweating, I can't fight it. It's not like I can put the covers on and stop it. I guess you could turn a fan on. fight it like the sweating i can't fight it it's not like i can put the covers on and stop it i guess you could turn a fan on when i wake up in the morning i don't want a billion mosquito bites

that's that's true the night time is better with the mosquitoes than the sweating can would you be able to sleep next to your spouse though if you're sweating that profusely you'd surely smell what's interesting to me well if you shower before, the sweat will not smell that bad yet. Is that true? Yeah. Because- Well, there's got to be some degree of like, doesn't the sweat rub the dirt and the oils

and the bacterias? Look, what's interesting to me now is I was thinking of this of, well, one or the other, but if you're avoiding mosquitoes all night, I mean, you're under the blanket like a tent, so you are sweating all night long. That's fair. That's a fair point. Yeah, I'm going to go. Shall, this is a great question.

I'm going to take the weight loss method of sweating all night long. Yeah, it's the post mosquito bites that are truly the problem. Would you rather only be able to use the internet for 15 minutes a day or be able to send one text message an hour? Ooh. This one's easy for me. How many text messages do you think you send per day on average? Are you including our work Slack channel? I think that that's probably, yeah.

I mean, you could include correspondence like that. Oh, if you're including correspondence like that. Anything that includes Facebook Messenger or texting. So any kind of electronic messaging. Yeah, let's go there. That makes it more even playing field because 15 minutes of internet a day is, I mean. We won't be able to work. What, am I in prison?

Like this is, you get your 15 minutes of internet. They get 30 i bet they do do they get 30 minutes in prison of internet yeah but it's on dial-up oh i don't think that's legal cruel and unusual punishment man the children they have no respect. What's interesting is, I mean, we can take things that we had when we were growing up, you know, like old Nintendo, old Atari. So it's just archaic video games to them, and they can go back and play it. But it's impossible for them to truly get the 56K, or in my case, I was on like the 33. Let's do this. Let's do this.

Because this show, we know it's a family show. There are a lot of parents out there. They're already laughing because they're remembering dial-up days. There are kids in the car listening to this. They have no clue what you're talking about. And I don't think this has ever had to been done before. I want you to explain

to the children what you're talking about. What did we have to experience as young adults? Children gather around. So this fancy internet that you take for granted every day, well, to be fair, I do as well. This wireless life you live. It used to be our phones were at home.

We didn't have phones in our pocket. You had a phone that was attached to your wall by a cord. And using this magic we did not understand, that phone cord would plug into your computer. And look, kids understand download speeds, of course. So what do you think? Yeah, because of Fortnite updates. And I mean, you're getting...

What do you get with a Fortnite update on average? 10 megs a second? Yeah, I mean, for them, it's like, do I wait two minutes or three minutes? Children, I need you to do some math. Because 10 megs a second, we would get... If we were lucky, I would get 0.1 kilobytes per minute. You're talking a photograph. You are downloading this picture for a while.

You would have to leave your computer on overnight to download one song. And here's the worst part about it, because these used our plug-in. You hooked your computer up to the telephone port. Yes. And if someone picked up the phone, they had to make a phone call, your internet is ruined. There was the dream of, if I hang up quick enough, maybe it didn't disconnect. I was downloading, hanging by a moment. Yes.

And it's been ruined. Yeah. It was absolutely a nightmare. So when you think about the attitude you have with your parents, remember what they suffered through. Yeah. Yeah. No internet. Would you?

Talking to people. To me, only being able to use the internet for 15 minutes a day would probably end my career i can handle one text message and yeah i could too i could too yeah 100 15 minutes but that would stink when you get the you've used your one per hour and then you get like an imminent text and you got to wait for it to switch over to the next hour i got great news for you what you can call them on the telephone fair point it's so funny so we're talking about back in the day kids don't know and all i could think about was the beginning of text messages because my daughter was asking me about like texting friends when i was growing up i was like what are you talking about there was no texting there was that did not exist like the the best texting i memorized all

my friends phone numbers if you had a beeper, you could like page someone. But here's the thing about text messages that's so insane how quick things change. I worked at a cell phone company around the year 2000. Y2K. You got to watch out for that book. Here's the thing. The carriers, all of them, because I worked at a place we sold Verizon, T-Mobile, AT&T, all the different carriers.

They would come by, and they were pushing this add-on for text messages. This did not exist. Oh, like it was an add-on to get text. Yes, you had to pay extra, and you'd pay per text message, and they added it on. And all of us at every cell phone store were all thinking why the heck would anyone want to add this on and send a like it would have been a hard sell for you it was a hard sell and we had like goals we had to hit and convincing people that they should send a

message just of text they're like why wouldn't i just call them oh my gosh and now i realize it's so much nicer to never have to talk to humans yeah and then the text is good for short for me now uh it's it's always ever called me on the phone mike ever yeah of course i've called you yeah you don't text and drive man you say you've called me uh but what the funny situation i was going to bring up is i'll watch my wife get into like a a real serious conversation through text and to the point where when you when she hits send all you see is blue right so i mean and you have to scroll that's how long this on your this is on your iphone x bro that's how long this message story then you wait and then you get a response that's just as large and my skin just wants to jump off my body i'm like please call this person you're right please

like i can't explain i can't be around you right now. Just call this person. Click, click, click, click, click, click. No. You're wasting so much time in the communication process. I guess I'm old school where certain things still require a phone call. Yeah, yeah. I would move on to life advice, but I have to ask this last would you rather question. Oh, it's because it's great.

It's too good. Would you rather be able to watch your dreams on tv wow or be able to be fully immersed in video games so you're in that world completely before we jump into the question i would i got reminded of something because i'm not i don't always remember my dreams it's it usually pretty rare. And even more rare, so I want to ask how many times this happens to you guys, is going back to the same dream. Oh, yeah. You get woke up in the middle of the night, and you go back.

And this had happened to me once or twice in my entire life. And over the past two weeks, it's happened twice. And you're jumping back into the yes yeah the first one is it a good dream no well the first one was not because i was living in the world of bird box and oh i kept look you die in your dream you wake up and i just kept going back and repeatedly dying in my dream it was it was not a good night of rest. And then the second one was somehow I caught wind that I was in the

competition for taking over for the Tonight Show. Being a cast of characters. Yeah, you see yourself. I kept waking up and going back into this. So does this happen to you frequently, Jason? You're known as the dreamer of The Office. I am the dreamer. I don't usually go back into the same dream has it happened yeah it's happened

where it's you know it has to be a brief wake up for me to go back into that dream yeah you wake up you go back to sleep and i'm talking i woke up full drink the worst yeah i was parched the worst is when you wake up from an awesome dream and you're like, oh, I got to get back I want to get back in there. I got to get back there. And you lay down and you never get back. Yeah. Or at least you don't remember going back. I would want to be fully immersed in the video game world, I think.

Because as cool as it would be to watch my dreams, I don't feel as though I have, like, I have 2% control over what I dream about. Right. And I would just consider that control to be the things that i'm anxious about or thinking about or just my general life but i feel like 98 percent of that dream the randomness of it it'd be terrifying to watch some of the weird crap that goes on in my brain sense what let's change this question would you rather be able to have a fully lucid dream or you are in control of everything or have the fully immersed video game lucid dreaming is is that's the pinnacle and if you don't know what lucid

dreaming is it's it because i've i've had a couple lucid dreams where you realize in the dream that you're dreaming and you can control it and it doesn't matter and i flew my minivan once because of lucid dreaming. Because you realized in the dream, you said to yourself, Jason, you're dreaming right now. The sky's the limit for me, and this minivan's going to fly. I was driving in my dream. Okay. You're in a dream.

Yes. You realize you're in a dream. Uh-huh. You can do whatever you want. Correct. You stay inside a minivan. Well, it wasn't just. You could have changed this car to a jet plane.

You could have changed it into whatever vehicle you want. And you stay with the minivan? It's baby steps, Mike. It's difficult. In the dream, when you know it's a dream, you realize I can change things. Is there a wood siding? No, but it's like, no wood siding. The thing is, is you go, oh, let me try something, right?

And you don't want to go too far. You don't want to be like, oh, I can change the whole world. Because that's too much power. And so for me, it was just. Space-time continuum issues. It was just, can I lift up? Oh my gosh, I can lift up. I can fly this van.

It was in the moment. But you're rewriting your video games then. You are the programmer of the video game. And that is so much better than just being in a Ready Player One, fully immersive environment. And the truth is... Here's the counterpoint, just to throw one out there. Because my initial impression was, lucid dreaming, that would be the best. Because in my night times, our adventures and fun.

And it kind of feels like you're taking advantage of more time. Yeah. However, no co-op. That, exactly. Shared experience. Not with your friends. Shared experience with your friends. Mike and I, we have a history.

Way back in time, we played a little World of Warcraft. A little. Just a little. We Warcraft. A little. Just a little. We had some fun in there, but to be actually in those worlds with your friends is very exciting. Yeah. I think I got to go with the video games because of that. Yeah. I'll have you guys in my world, but I can control you.

We'll be AI. But here's the thing about dreams. People don't care. I mean, I know I explained. Oh, nobody ever wants to hear it. While I was explaining my dreams, the listeners were tuning out. They were like, I don't care about your dreams. Oh, my gosh.

Now, my wife will hate me for this. Hate me. Because she says I say too many of her idiosyncrasies on the show and not enough of the wonderful qualities she has, which there are many, many wonderful qualities to my wife. Compliment sandwich. Make sure you finish with a good one. But there's this history.

We've been married 12 years. She tries to tell me her dreams, and this speaks to what you're saying. And to her, it is the biggest disconnect because to her, they are the most exciting, interesting possible dream. And it's normally something that doesn't make any sense to me

and i lose interest so fast and try to pretend like i'm interested okay you were you but you weren't you and there was this there's this pole and there was a rock in it and that's how they sound to me it's like i totally understand my wife hates when I talk about my dreams. I mean, it is just what Mike said. She always knows I'm saving the world. Like every dream. That's what I do. I save the world.

Is that your ambition in life? Do we need to dive deep on this? Apparently my subconscious. Hero complex. Yeah. I'm definitely taking all the dreaming things over the video game thing in this Would You Rather. Because my dreams are epic movies. And if I could watch them and write them down, I could then go produce them and make money off of them.

Marvel or DC level dreams? Get out of here with that DC garbage. All right, let's move on. Spitballers to the rescue. How dare you? I'm sorry. I cut off Mr. Announcer. to the rescue. How dare you?

I'm sorry. I cut off. It's rude. Mr. Announcer. Life advice question. This one came in from the web. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get lunch. She said she had school and so I went by myself. She later texted me and said

that class was cancelled and wanted me to go get lunch with her. Now she's mad that I don't want to go with her. Wait. What do I do? Why do you not want to go now? Well, I know, Jason, I can speak for him. The words second lunch were coming out very, very soon.

Yeah, I was thinking double lunch, but second lunch just as good. That's funny, though. So you had your lunch experience. Her class was canceled. You're full. You've had a meal. You don't want to do the charade. This must mean he does not love her.

There are a lot of people that don't want you to sit there while they eat. So I went by myself. So he is already finished. Yeah, he's full. He's done. He's probably gone home. He's had a nice meal. And now she wants to grab some lunch with him.

Spend some time with the loved one. I mean, she's your girlfriend, man. Yeah, this is a... I mean, if you've ever had an excuse, I'm not... I can't go Jason's second lunch. But I can go Andy Holloway dessert. See? I mean, this is've ever had an excuse, I can't go Jason's second lunch, but I can go Andy Holloway dessert. See?

I mean, this is an easy problem to fix. Go somewhere where you can get an ice cream. Yeah, or a drink or like an appetizer. Here's my worry. You can make it work. Here's my worry. Okay, you want to get lunch with a significant other. This is great.

It's a good time. If you take food out of the equation no way do i want to go out with her like like you know what i mean like the only thing that's changed is are you eating that's it like maybe maybe just spend some time with her i'm gonna rephrase this question a different way so So everything's the same at the beginning. The girlfriend has to go to school, and you go, okay, I'm by myself. And he did ask her to go to lunch. He started this process.

Now, I'm sure you guys have this, but my favorite fast food restaurant is Raisin Cane's Chicken. My wife does not like Raisin Cane's chicken. My wife does not like Raisin Cane's. So this is a voyage that if I'm going to eat it, it's me alone. And my kids are ridiculous. They don't like it? They don't like it either. Oh, that's a problem.

So it's literally only me, and it's my favorite place. So she turns you down. That's where you're headed. So I'm in route already. My mouth is salivating. I know that cane sauce. I'm about to just dive in. Yeah. Oh, I salivating. I know that cane sauce. I'm about to just dive in. Yeah.

Oh, I know the question. But then you get the call. Yep, I knew it. Where my, I mean, my mind's already made up. I know what I'm going to eat. Then she calls and says, let's go to lunch. And now I know. Did you answer the phone or did you text?

There's an easy answer here. I mean, there's an easy answer. I've been in this situation, and I know 100% what I would do I would text back and say I went to the other side of town because you texted back I'd love to get lunch just give me

I'll be there in 15 minutes and then you're going double lunch I would finish my trip to get me some chicken do you have a restaurant like that where the wife doesn't like it so you know i look this is shameful oh no this is not something i have uncovered something dark this is not something anyone anyone is ever proud of but my shameful restaurant that i love to eat

at that you know i shouldn't is it's McDonald's oh you know what I mean like nobody like McDonald's is false I just had this conversation with my wife yesterday her favorite fast food restaurant is McDonald's it's just and it's my rate it's the absolute lowest on my list and I get that I get that I'm not saying McDonald's is the best fast food restaurant by any means. It's just my guilty pleasure. What's your go-to? What's your go-to order there? Oh, my go-to order? It's usually a hot and spicy

and a Big Mac. Okay. You gotta get at least two things. That's just a Jason Moore rule of thumb. McDonald's makes $2 billion a year on being everybody's last choice? They're everywhere. That's the problem.

So it's opportunity. Yes. I get that. Fast food is literally based on your local circle of what's available. Yes, it is. I eat at Culver's all the time

because it's the closest place. When I didn't have one close, I ate at the closest place. Yeah, you have like a mile radius. And when I have to go outside of that for fast food, it's disappointing. If there was a Whataburger. I do live close to McDonald's, and I've never been there. If there was a Whataburger close to my house, I would be broke.

I would be ruined physically, my body, my wallet. I love Whataburger, but they're so rare and sporadic. All right, here is one more life advice question before our incredible draft that we've got coming up. By the way, did we actually answer that one with a formal, just go to lunch again. Yeah, go to lunch, get dessert, get a whole other lunch. Enjoy yourself. Kevin from the website, I went on a first date recently

and the girl was telling me about how she is just now watching Lost. While talking about it, I'm pretty sure she spoiled the entire show for me. I've never seen it, so I wanted her to stop, but I didn't

know how. can I even take her on a second date and I think we all first date. Wow we haven't lost that's exactly what I lost. Mike has a pretty strict statute of limitation rules that what you're getting at. Yeah, look I have never

I didn't watch lost but if you guys wanted to unleash into two hours completely summarizing the plot for Lost, that's my fault. Yes. How long ago was that? Was that 15 years? Lost was a while ago. I mean, you're talking at least 10 years ago since completion.

And here's the problem. TV has evolved. Like, I loved Lost. When Lost was on, it was my favorite show, period. I loved it. But now it on, it was my favorite show, period. I loved it. But now it's like network TV in general. It's like 24. It's a rung or 20 below all the Netflix originals and your HBOs.

The subscription show model has just completely dominated network television shows, for the most part. There's still some good ones. What you're describing is exactly what happens with any variety situation. That's what it comes down to. It's not just network TV. It's variety. You have so much to choose from now. Yes.

And that's why Hershey bars were all the rage at one point in time. Because it was it. Because you had a couple things to get. Would you like a candy bar? It's a Hershey's. So I get what you're saying. But I think the quality of the individual shows are better too. I mean on network TV because they had to worry about

all these ratings they couldn't ever kill off a main character. So you always know every episode people are going to live. On these other shows, it's like, you don't know what's coming. They can do anything. So my point here, Kevin. But is this a keeper? I mean, or do you jettison her because she could spoil everything for everything?

No, no, no. I would definitely try to stay because it's not her fault that she was allowed to talk about a network show that you're not gonna go back and re-watch 10 years later for the first time i agree what's your what is your statue of limitations for a show like you can't spoil it because was that a statue did you say a statue of limitations i did it's definitely a statute. I did say a statue of limitations. It's a very limited statue. What's even funnier about that is two days ago I was watching a Seinfeld rerun and they had the same exchange. Really?

Yes. Oh, that is awesome. I definitely said statue. And Kramer goes, no, I'm pretty sure it's statue. And Elaine goes, it's statute. So you're Kramer, yeah. Oh, that is awesome. Fair enough.

What is my statue of limitations? I would say about six feet high is my statue of limitations. Five years. Five years? Five years. Yeah. Five years or if the series is still is still on the tv television okay because the the most obvious example you can go to is game of thrones but that i mean that

show's been on for a very long time now but so andy's it's over five caveat caveat is 100 perfect if the show is still ongoing see it's it's five years from the end of the show. Ooh, that's a long time. Ooh. He doesn't even know if he's sure about what he just said. I'm not sure at all about what I just said. That is so long. I'm going to amendment.

No? Redaction? And restate it. One year or two years? I'm going two. I'm going one full year from the conclusion of a television run. I'm going three years for a movie. Movie is out.

You got three years. Then you can spoil it at will. See, we're changing people's lives. Yeah, we're making the world a better place. There needs to be official rules about this. Can we agree on those rules right there? I'm very comfortable with those. One year from the end of a television

run, three years from the movie opening. Alright. Okay. Official. Official, put it in law. Put it on the statue. Put it on the statue. The statue is holding the book and on the inside of the book, that's all it says. The statue is holding the statute.

You guys ready to draft? Yes. in the statute. You guys ready to draft? Yes. The Spitballers Draft. I always look forward to this show in case you guys are curious. That's great.

In case you guys are curious. However, sometimes a draft idea comes up and I'm just really excited about the outcome and this is one of those. Much like,

by the way any battle royale animal related drafts which i think we need to work in like an ocean one soon okay um but we're drafting sodas or as the uh our show doc says the best soda pops oh goodness so clearly this was put in by a person from we've got got somebody that helps us on the dot. That's Midwest, right? That's a Midwestern. Yeah. It's pop in the south, isn't it? And then it's a Coke somewhere else. Yeah.

And then it's a soda. You know what we're talking about. We're drafting sodas. And I think Mike has the first pick. I have the first pick. I feel like I keep landing the first pick on the drafts where it is the worst possible time to have the first pick. I'm not happy I have third because I think I'm going to miss out on what I've got. pick on the drafts where it is the worst possible time to have the first pick.

I'm not happy I have third because I think I'm going to miss out on what I've got. I would love to have the third pick. Man. So we're drafting Sotus, four rounds, snake draft, as per the Spitballers' usual format. And Mike gets to pick number one, numero uno. And this one is tough because it's preferential. Yeah. But you know that there'll be people out there that, like, you know, the sales of soda reflect the overall passion and excitement about those brands.

I'm going with the juggernaut. I'm pulling a Jason Moore. But it's also, I mean, it's my favorite soda. It is? Yeah. Wait. Go for it. All right. It is? Yeah. Wait. Go for it. It's the classic.

It's the Coca-Cola classic. It's the clear 101. I don't know why. If I had the 101, that's definitely what I'd take. Because there's a second one that some people prefer, but I do prefer Coke over everything else. Wow. Well, I would have taken Coke. I didn't see you.

You think I was next generation? Yeah, I certainly thought you were going to go with some flavor, something more unique, hipster, on brand. So I'm going to, because you took my Coke, my poll winner, I'm going to go with my heart. I'm going to go with what my favorite soda actually is. This is why I said I was not going to end up with it. My favorite soda is cream soda.

Yeah, I knew it. Wow. A&W cream soda is the most delicious soda. Really? Oh, dude. I mean, I like cream soda. When you say really, like you're surprised, it makes me realize it's been too long since you, I like cream soda. When you say really like you're surprised, it makes me realize it's been too long since you've had a cream soda.

Because if you had a cream soda today or yesterday or this week, you'd go, heck yeah. When I grew up in my house, we had soda one or two times a month. It was only on the days we would get pizza, and we were allowed to pick a can of soda. Cream soda was on this. A statue was built in our house, not of limitations, just a statue for cream soda.

Well, there was limitations on your soda. So I respect that pick, and it would not have gotten back to you. Sweet. So, yeah, very sweet. That's the problem with some cream sodas. They're too sweet. But A&W cream soda, delicious. I get it.

All right, so I've got two picks here. I'm taking Pepsi for number one. Yeah. Sure. Pepsi is my preference to Coke. For real? I adore it. I used to be a Pepsi man.

I'm very, very much a Pepsi man. You used to be a Pepsi man. I don't drink a lot of soda anymore, but I'm all about Pepsi. I didn't realize you were stupid. And take that as a compliment. I thought you were smart. You did know I was stupid. We've known this for years.

I've known you love Coke. You've always been wrong. I delete out of my brain the bad things about those I love. Oh, well, that's very kind of you. So I don't even remember what you just picked. Pepsi Cola is what I just picked. What an idiot! And I'm going to go with...

And had you not taken yours, I might have gone with a tandem from the same brand. I'm going to go with A and had you not taken yours, I might have gone with a tandem from the same brand. I'm going to go with A&W Root Beer. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I figured Root Beer wasn't going to get back to me. And I want to just throw this out there.

I mean, you guys have been to the, remember Long John Silver's and A&W have those combo fast foods? Yep. Nothing on this earth is better than a frosted mug and from the tap a and w root beer that then crystallizes the glass on the inside of the mug and you can drink it smooth so pepsi and a and w root beer i feel so good about those two so coke could be you guys have you guys have your juggernauts your coke your pepsi yeah i am not usually the i i want i want more flavor i i do. I would prefer a version of those products that are an extra ingredient mixed in. But I need a juggernaut, and I like all the ingredients.

I like all the flavors in the world, and I like sweetness. So it's a home run pick for me to call the doctor. Yeah. And get me some Dr. Pepper. You're going to win a lot of votes with that one. No doubt about it. Yeah, weirdo votes. Oh, you don't like any?

No, Mr. Pibb? No Dr. Pepper? I can drink it. It's not like it's terrible. I've had an occasional very good Dr. Pepper. I never order it. Never. Ever.

I will never, ever. Have you ever had hot Dr. Pepper? Have you ever heard of that? Yeah, I have. So good. It's a down south thing. What? It's a heard of that? Yeah, I have. It's a down south thing. What? It's a thing.

It's not good, no. It's delicious. Hot Dr. Pepper? Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. It's you take Dr. Pepper and it's hot. This is a tough draft. You put it in there. It is.

This is a tough draft because you want to go with your heart versus you want to get votes. And that's the challenge here. But, I mean, there's so many sodas, too. I mean, there's hundreds of sodas to choose from. Mike, it's back to you, and you get two picks. So, I mean, you got the – you should feel good. You got the number one overall, and then you get two picks back-to-back. Now, you are Mike, so you have every ability to blow this draft right here, right now.

I believe you're talking about the current champion. That's true. That hurts my argument. Go on. All right. Well, I'm going to take another juggernaut. I'm going to take what I believe is the juggernaut of the clear sodas. Sure.

Okay. I'm going to take Sprite. Oh, okay. I'm going to take Sprite. I know there's some other ones. Yeah, there's one that I've- Sprite is the clear juggernaut of the clear sodas. And that's how I believe it as well.

But then they always say, is Sierra Mist okay? Can you take that? No, at a restaurant, I'm saying. Yeah, they're like, oh, we only have the... Yeah, and then I say, no, it's not. And they go get you. They bring you a six-pack of Sprite. Got it.

All right, so you got Coke and Sprite. Goodness gracious. Yeah. Yankees and Lakers here. All right, what else you got? Man, now the... I'm trying not to pull a mic and just go fully off the rails. That's what I expect you to do, and I don't think you can resist it,

so I'm expecting to get like a Welch's grape coming up here. I'm not going to do it. Coke with lime. Oh. Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi with... Look, you were close, Andy. I was? You were very close.

All right. Because it's a Coke, but it's with the cherry. Oh, gosh. You got to give me that cherry Coke. So you have Coke and cherry Coke. I don't know how we beat this. I have no idea how... I like Pepsi more, but I don't know how you beat Coke and cherry Coke.

Cherry Coke is superior. That's my only argument to you. But you knew you could get it in the third round. Yes. Cherry Coke is, oh, gosh. Cherry Coke is the delightful treat. You can't have it every time. No.

But when you have it. Did you like the vanilla Coke when it came out? Not only did I dislike it, I loathed the vanilla Coke. When it came out, I loved it for a month, and then I was done with it. Vanilla Coke is by far the best of every Coke product that has ever been made. It is so delicious. Are you taking it? So based on what you two just said, I certainly don't have to take it here.

Can you even get it anymore? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They have it at restaurants. They have it at some restaurants. I've got it at your grocery store. I still get it all the time because it is great. more the more i know i guess sure i'm going to go with so we hitherto so far it's pretty much been it's pretty much been your powerhouse your powerhouse minus

your aw cream soda rightus my cream soda. It's pretty much what are the big, you know, you go to a restaurant and you can get most all of these things. I'm going now with, okay, what is the pivot? What is the, I want something special. I want something different. Yeah. That's still super common and mainstream and, you know, but what is the best of all those?

Don't take my fourth pick. And I'm taking the orange soda. Dang it. i'm taking the orange soda dang i'm taking the which one probably crush probably orange crush i mean this is look during the nfl draft when roger goodell walks up to the to the podium and says with the first overall pick there's on the cardinals take a a running back. Probably take this guy. You can't give a probable when it's a draft. This is binary. Are you taking Orange Crush? Yes. All right.

I mean, Orange Crush, Orange Fanta, they're exactly the same. They are not. They are 100% the same. A&W, Cream Soda, Dr. Pepper, and Orange Crush. I'm taking Orange Soda. You are in full hipster draft. How do you accuse me of being a hipster? Well, you're in the tertiary market.

I might really go low because my actual favorite soda, my favorite soda in the world, is something that you can only get one place. It's the best, and I might take it with my fourth pick, but that is going to dive bomb my ranking. All right. I've got Pepsi. I've got A&W root beer. I'm going to go with my favorite soda all growing up.

The one that just spoke to me and it kept on speaking for hours after I drank it. This is the radiation? Mountain Dew. Yep? Mountain Dew. Yep. Mountain Dew. You know, I don't know what it is. Like, I haven't had a lot of Mountain Dew in the last 10 years. But when I have, it doesn't hit me the way it did as a kid.

But Mountain Dew is just, for a nice 15-year period, it was like the nectar of the gods. Yeah, I understand. I never got into Mountain Dew phase. It's palatable, but I've... No, I have... I've only got one more pick. And this is tough because...

And I don't care if I disclose other options for you guys because that's fine. I'm having a hard time deciding... Like, 7-Up, in my opinion, is the best of the clears. Oh. It's by far... I like it a lot more than Sprite. Okay.

So 7-Up is on the table For me I could go Cherry Pepsi And try to counter You could Your Cherry Coke We'll see what the people like I know

Yeah Pepsi and Cherry Pepsi On one side Coke and Cherry Coke on the other Haven't you seen that commercial The Pepsi commercial for the Super Bowl With Steve Carell Is it Is it okay

Where they go Is it okay She orders a A Coke And they go Is it okay If you have Pepsi And then Steve Carell comes Is it okay? Where they go, is it okay? She orders a Coke and they go, is it okay if you have Pepsi? And then Steve Carell comes out and he's like,

is it okay for puppies to be, you know, all these things like, yeah, of course it's okay. And then my last option is, I'm a ginger ale guy. I feel like that plays into maybe a little bit of an ancient.

Yeah, it's your brand. Brand. Yeah. So I'm deciding between those three. When I got a chubby ache. I guess I could throw Cherry 7-Up in there, too, because Cherry 7-Up is delightful. It's delightful. I'm going Cherry Pepsi.

All right. Cherry Pepsi. I think that was the right decision for you. I would rather have a Cherry Pepsi than a Cherry Coke. And I'd rather have a Pepsi than a Coke. And I know there are those of you out there that are more evolved and agree with me. So we'll go with Pepsi, A&W, root beer, Mountain Dew, and Cherry Pepsi. Man, I really wish instead of Mountain Dew you went 7-Up so that yours and Mike's are just basically like,

would you rather have 7-Up or Sprite? Coke or Pepsi? Cherry Coke or Cherry Pepsi? I'm the pivot. I think more people like A&W, root beer, than Sprite, though. That's where I got Mike. That is... I think more people like A&W Root Beer than Sprite, though. That's where I got Mike. That is... I think you're wrong.

Unless you're talking about ordering for your kids at a dinner. I think you are incredibly wrong. All right. All right. I think he's right. I mean, because... You guys are being... You're letting your own personal bias...

I always get Sprite at a lot of places. Just because of the caffeine-free nature of it. But Sprite is definitely more popular than root beer. All right. So we're down to the place where I'll just say what I'm thinking about. I've got one pick left for myself. I love vanilla Coke. That was something I considered right off the bat.

But I realized that not everybody loves vanilla Coke. It's not going to be a great vote-getter. I realize that not everybody loves vanilla Coke. It's not going to be a great vote getter. But then my other one that I really want, which is, again, my favorite soda in the world, is Mountain Dew Baja Blast, which you can only get. Is that Taco Bell? That's Taco Bell.

It is a Taco Bell exclusive. Is that your pick? Get that Code Red going on, Jay. Code Red is fantastic. Are you going? No, I have not made my pick because before i do that i need to know something oh great he's looking for loopholes kind of but i mean look if i go to the gas station and i'm wanting a you know a carbonated beverage i knew where this is going i want a a Red Bull. I want a Monster.

That's not a soft drink. Nope, not a soft drink. That's an energy drink. You ever gotten a Red Bull on tap? Yes. On the actual... QT has energy drinks on the... On the what now? On the fountain.

They also have Powerade. Would you consider Powerade to be a soda? I'm voting against it. Yeah, it's an energy drink. I hate you two. But I knew where you were going and I applaud your efforts. I would expect nothing less from you. What have we come to in America where you could...

So you could take the gut buster, get that 44 ounces, just fill it with Red Bull? That's... People are dying. People are dying everywhere. That's too much Red Bull. Every man dies. That's why much Red Bull. Every man dies. That's why it comes in the tiny can. Not every man truly lives.

For 12 hours. You guys ever like the Big Red? I love... That's in consideration. That's a good pick. Big Red basically... My dad loved Big Red. It's like bubblegum flavored...

Papa Skits. Incredible... The redness of Big Red is frightening. The amount of dye and stuff that they have to put in that is... I'm looking at a list of sodas right now, and it's got pictures of all the sodas. It's one through 100. Uh-huh. And they put the bubble gum in for Big Red.

That's the picture they got in for Big Red soda. Yeah. Isn't that the flavor? It's not the flavor of Big Red. Big Red's a cinnamon gum. It's a gum, but not the soda. No, I'm saying the picture. Oh, they screwed it up?

They screwed it up. They put the picture of the cinnamon gum instead of the soda. Oh, but I genuinely think that Big Red Soda's flavor is bubble gum. Is it really? No. I really believe that that is true. Wow. All right.

I don't know. I can't. Make your pick, man. We're running out of time. All right. If I've got to make your pick, man. We're running out of time. All right. If I've got to make my pick, I'm going to go. Its flavor, though often thought to be bubble gum, is created by mixing orange and lemon oils with traditional vanilla, similar to cream sodas.

Huh. All right. Wow. Very interesting. I'm going. There you go, Jay. I am going. The more you know.

Look, my wife is diabetic. All right. Yeah. I was wondering if one would get picked. Every soda we drink, I drink Diet Coke more than anything, sugar-free, but I'm going to take the one that I like the best, which is Coke Zero. Okay. Coke Zero, for all those people out there maybe a little bit concerned with how much sugar we have drafted here today. Vote Jason.

Vote Jason this Tuesday. He is the zero of this show. I'm the zero? Wait. Mike, wrap it up for us. Wow. All right. You've got Coke, Sprite, Cherry Coke, and...

I'll go Vanilla Coke. No, I would... Coke and Lime. I'd rather drink 44 ounces of Red Bull than draft Coke Zero. Wouldn't we all? So you threw me off there going with the Coke Zero because I was actually debating between just plain old diet Coke. Just go with an absolute.

Pure Coke. Coke everywhere. debating between just plain old diet Coke, just go with an absolute, like a pure, the pure Coke, the tri-fecta of, of a dominant soda brands. Or do I go with some kind of a off the path hipster pick man? Uh, you're, you're the hipster brand. I think everyone knows where you should go. You're not the Coke, Cherry Coke, Diet Coke guy. That's off brand. You're more RC than that.

A little tab. I do like RC every once in a while. Get a tab, Soda. I'm going to give you the clocks running out on you. What is this? You've got Coca-Cola Classic, Sprite, Cherry Coke. Work through your process, at least. The dead silence is worse for podcasting.

So the process is I'm looking at Diet Coke. I'm looking at the potential that there's a root beer and it's got bite. Yeah. Really? Hate it. I completely hate it. Non-authentic taste. It is the worst.

But you can't have two different root beers. You can't draft. That's why you can't draft Coke and Pepsi. He can draft Barks. It doesn't bother me. All right. That's fine. That's fine.

Yeah. There's no bite. I'm not concerned. I would love that because then it's basically, do you prefer Mountain Dew or Sprite when it comes to your guys' draft? All right. Well, what was your four, Andy? Pepsi, A&W root beer, Mountain Dew, and Cherry Pepsi.

Give me seven up. Give me 7-Up. So you agree with me. 7-Up's legit. Oh, 7-Up is great. I love 7-Up. Very few places have 7-Up anymore. In-N-Out Burger's one of them, and I always get the biggest possible 7-Up there because it's so good. I was worried that you were going to take the Cherry 7-Up.

Cherry 7-Up is unbelievably great. It's very good, very hard to find. Yeah, that's not in a restaurant. You've got to get that from the grocery store. Do you believe it helps or hurts that, and this could be just my connotation, but 7-Up is synonymous with being sick? Oh, because when you're sick, you sip on 7-Up, and it stops you from throwing up as much?

I feel like that's more of a ginger ale. The ginger ale is in there, but for me, maybe it's just me. I used to have Coke syrup, too. Coke syrup would do that as well. If I'm sick, I want 7-Up. Yeah, they sell Coke. You can buy Coke syrup behind the counter at a pharmacy. Wow, really?

And you sip on the Coke syrup, and it calms your stomach. Wait a minute. You're interesting. What? I've never heard of that. Is this the 1950s? The pharmacist has the Coke syrup. He goes down to the bodega.

It is a very, very common thing. You're just talking about this. This is not common. This is not very, very common. When Mike and I have never heard of it, it's not super common. Cola syrup for relief of nausea. I put Coke syrup into my Google Chrome. One of the autocompletes is Coke syrup for nausea. I put Coke syrup into my Google Chrome. One of the autocompletes is Coke syrup for nausea.

Yeah. It's a very common thing. And it helps. It really does. Says all of the Coke lobbyists. Snake oil. Well, it's not sold by Coca-Cola, people. It's cola syrup.

So it's in the category of... So it's like the... You're talking about like the brown syrup. Yeah. It's not sugary, really. It's got the brown syrup? Yeah, it's not sugary, really. It's got the Coke flavor, but it's not really sugary. How does that help with nausea? It does.

It does. Weird. So Mike has Coke, Coke syrup. No, not really. Coca-Cola Classic Sprite, Cherry Coke 7-Up. Jason has A&W Cream Soda, Dr. Pepper, Orange Crush, and Coke Zero. I've got Pepsi, A&W Root Beer, Mountain Dew, and Cherry Pepsi. If Mike doesn't run away with it, I think it'll be a –

it should be very interesting. It should be a very close poll. We'll find out. I always think that. Between me and Andy. What did you learn today? What did you guys learn on the show today? I learned that Jason, in his dreams, needs to dream bigger

instead of just flying a minivan. We learned a lot about each other's subconscious. I learned that Jason, in his dreams, needs to dream bigger. Instead of just flying a minivan. We learned a lot about each other's subconscious. I learned that Mike's subconscious thinks that he should host the Today Show. I learned that Jason is, indeed, the future hero of Earth. Yes! That's such great news for me. Not for Earth so much.

The two of you that will be left after I save the three of us. Because we know you'll be here no matter what. Thank you for listening. Make sure you subscribe and leave a review. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.