Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 36: Zipper Problems and the Best Movie Quotes

Episode Date: February 25, 2019

Andy will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future after this episode! The fellas also help you determine how you put on your pants, when you might need to switch up that routine, and what life is like when viewed in a mirror. We wrap this episode up with a sure-to-be-controversial 'Best Movie Quotes' draft. Yipee Ki-Yay, My Friend. Subscribe and enjoy another great episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, that was a bad one. That was really rotten. Rotten like an apple. It's been left out in the sun.

Rotten like an apple? Yeah. That's what the kids say. Like a dirty old apple out in the sun. Isn't there rotten apples in Sleeping like, Sleeping Beauty or something? No, there's a poison apple in Snow White. That was way off. I don't think there are any rotten apple stories that I can think of.

Really? Yeah, like rotten tomatoes is a thing. I mean, I would call a poison apple a rotten apple. It's a little rotten. Well, to say it's rotten would say that, like, nature poisoned it. Yeah, where, like where the worms are inside. But you can eat a worm. Yeah.

You'll be all right. You ever eaten a worm? Not that I know of. Jason and I are big fans of the trolley worms, the sour worms. Oh, yeah. I've had those. Gummy worms, sour worms. I'd put one of those in an apple.

That would make apples better i would eat apples you're saying candy well they have candied apples so you feel like you're inventing candy apples thank you that's a great idea andy there have been at least um a few billion people in this world So all the good ideas are already out there. So if I stumble onto them because I'm really smart, then that's just incidental. Okay. I invented candy apples today. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast.

That's a great question on the show today. Answering some questions from the listeners. We got would you rather. We have an incredible... This draft, man. Unique draft on the show today. It's going to be all over the place. Send us your questions.

That's an order. Go on to Twitter, at SpitballersPod. The website, SpitballersPod.com. Don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Check us out on any of the social media platforms. You can find us pretty much with Spitballers Pod, no matter where you're at. To be fair, we are not on Snapchat.

Hmm. You know, Snapchat... Is that still happening? It's still a thing. I think so. They rolled out some sort of new UI, and then they had to roll it all back, and their stock dropped.

I thought Instagram was like, oh, Snapchat is doing some cool stuff. Let's just do all of that. Yeah, and it totally worked. And then it's like, oh, buy Snapchat. The people that invented Snapchat, do you guys remember what the offer was? No. Because Facebook offered to buy Snapchat for a huge, I believe it was a word that started with a B.

What? Yeah. And Snapchat said, nah, shine on that offer, bro. We're going to handle this ourselves. And then Instagram... That was Silicon Valley talk if you didn't understand it. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And then Facebook slash Instagram said, okay,

we will just make your product. Is that true? I didn't know that. Yes. Wow. I'll find out the number while you guys make up other funny jokes. Well, there's one thing that I know, and the listeners at home need to understand this, that everything said on the Spitballers podcast is true. There is nothing but...

And copyrighted. Don't try to take our ideas. 100% copyrighted. Don't try to run them up there. Facebook, this is from March 2015. Facebook reportedly offered to buy Snapchat for $3 billion. And they said no. When you said B, I was like, oh my gosh, I got to a billion.

You just tripled that in my mind. Yeah, they- $3 billion? Yes. Wow. Goodness. What a tech- I mean, technically their market cap is like uh 13 billion right now

like their stock prices were i mean they're worth 13 billion so i mean that's probably why they said no but yeah they are now but i mean the problem is instagram just keeps making snapchat this is not the purpose of this show let's go ahead ahead and jump. It's a tech show now. Buy stocks. I mean, technically, we spitball about whatever, so that's fine. We also acknowledge the incredible technology available on Apple Podcasts to review something you listen to. Here's a review from one of our listeners. Review-a-saurus rags.

This one comes in from Will E. Walls. Five stars. Good stuff. I feel like this show is a contest between three friends who see who can be the biggest buffoon. So far, Jason is winning. The best part of that Did I read it wrong? No, no, no Is that you were insulted by saying you are the biggest buffoon And you proved that

Just a little bit more as you completely misread the review I feel like this show is a contest between three friends To see who can be the biggest buffoon You did it So far Jason isoon. You did it. So far, Jason is clearly winning. You did it. No, Jason read it as it's written. No, he did not.

Yes, he did. I'm looking at it right now. I just did that time. No, look. Yeah, that time he got it right, but the first time he said, between three friends who see. Yeah, I think Mike's right there. Here's how it reads as read.

Between three friends, to see who the can be the biggest buffoon. Oh my goodness. He read it right, and then you dug in, despite the fact the text is right in front of you, Mike. Willie Walls is the biggest buffoon. Looks like you're winning. Yeah,

Mr. Willie Walls. The beautiful thing is we don't care about the grammar if you give us a five-star review. We don't even notice the grammar. We read it as you had intended internally. That's the ultimate. We know what you meant, Willie. We know what you meant.

We see your soul. What? That's what we meant. That's a great question. I don't know if you saw last week on Twitter, but we posted a clip of the show with Waldorf, our producer, Mr. Borland. Al, how are you doing over there today? I'm doing good, Tim.

Thanks. All right. Yeah. Look, he posted, we were talking about waldorf and if you didn't listen to the last episode i'm sorry you should probably do that um and then mike was saying it was essentially like the where's waldo books and then he actually photoshopped in a picture of a walrus in the middle of a where's waldo book it was pretty funny yes it was i would dominate that book i would find him quick.

All right. How did you do on the Where's Waldo books? It was all right. I did not. Did you have them all? Did I have a what? Did you have them all? Yeah, I think.

Did I have all the books? Yeah. No, I wasn't a collector. Were you a collector? Oh, yeah. I loved Where's Waldo, man. I think there was four main ones. Yeah.

But the ultimate puzzle was the final book where he was in Waldo man I think there was four main ones yeah but the ultimate puzzle was the final book where it was he was in Waldo land or whatever and every single person in the photo was Waldo was Waldo and you had to find the one I found him right away you had to find the one with a hat you had to find the one without a shoe on oh come on oh that's next level that's like Harvard level Waldo now did you do the magic Waldo yeah did you do the magic eye? Harbaldo? Yeah, did you do the magic eye books? Did you guys do those? I could never do it.

I can't do it. Neither of you could? Hell, man, I could do that. I was the guy in Mallrats screaming, it's a schooner. I have stared at those magic eye fake things so much. You people are making it up. 100% they're making it up. Nobody has ever seen anything in that. Borland.

Borland. Were you able to do that? Absolutely. Yeah, me too. Yeah, sure. Wink, wink. The emperor has no clothes on. Yeah, well here's a great question from John. John sent this in to the website. He says, so my friend posed a question

that none of us could understand until it turned into a heated discussion. Here's this question. When putting on pants, do you do the button first or the zipper first? Oh, this is a great question. This is a great question. Let me clarify. Because this is not a question of like, before you pull them up, do you do that?

This is a question of once you pull them up, do you then button and zipper or zipper and button? There is only one right way yeah you button you button then you zip that's crazy that's what i do too wait we're i button and zip we're unanimous yeah that's why i was confused that this is a great question there's there are people out there who are going mano-a-mano with the zipper first. I mean, it's a matter of science and physics. Wait, wait, wait. Because you need, the zipper's going to be a lot easier to do once you're buttoned. Yeah, doing the zipper before the button is excruciating. Think about it this way. Let's say you're loading your luggage.

Excruciating? You need to get bigger pants. I know. That's why you got to do the button first. I have an eating problem. But let's say you're going on a trip and you're packing your suitcase, your luggage, super full. And you want to zip that thing up even though it's got six inches of extra clothing in there. Do you just grab the zipper and try harder?

You'll rip that thing straight off. And that's what my body is like you are a suitcase i i've gotta do the sucking button the yeah then button get your button then the zip is easy sounds like you need bigger pants sounds like i need a diet sounds like your nickname is samsonite i like that you're a suitcase. That part is fun. You hold a lot of things. I hold a lot of things. I serve pretty much one purpose. I will say this.

If you go that route, which is the appropriate route, all the physics and things. I'm blown away here. There is one side effect. You risk the fly being forgotten about. That is true. That can happen. You go zipper first, side effect and that's that you risk you risk the fly being forgotten about that is a fair point you go zipper first you never forget that so there's a world where i mean wait a minute yeah

i'm having a realization here all right well oh no what if we're just what if we're just all fat wait what what if the three of us just have dad bods that like like maybe there's people out there that the zipper first is no no issue whatsoever clearly because john from the website just fit they're active and when they pull their pants up they zip and button if you can do that like if you could because i can't that's not happening here if you could just zip button easy peasy wouldn't that be would you do it wouldn't you do that maybe is this breakdown across the uh the like the bmi line it's like above a certain bmi you're a zip you're a zip first you're a button zip and then if you're below bmi you're a zip button congratulations

sir you're down to a three welcome to zipper. Please reverse the way you put your pants on. Man, I wish I could zip first. I'm going to try to zip first today. Next time. It's the new goals. You're like, you want those washboard abs, don't you? Don't care. Don't care about that?

I'm about that zip first life. I thought the answer to this question was going to be sweatpants. I thought that was going to be the answer. Yeah, no zipper is really the way to go. So we don't know what the bmi line is but um we're not we're not under now have you for the sake of of discussion on this podcast in which we do what we want have you had any embarrassing uh fly down situations where you... I have. But that was not a zipper fly,

to be fair. That story can't happen. But I will just say this. I mean, maybe that's my fault. All I'll say is that zipper problems are real, and we need to make sure that

all zippers stay up. up now the real problem is when you got that zipper that won't stay up you zipped it oh yeah yeah now burn those pants 20 minutes later the zipper's fallen i the solution there i was taught this by a good friend of mine paper clip yeah safety pin yeah safety pin oh we we took a uh Oh. We took a key chain. A key chain. The little ring. Yeah. You put it on there.

And then when you- Hook it to the button? Then you have to zip first. Because you zip it up, hook it on the button, button the pants. Again. Zipper stays up. Burn the pants. It sounds like you can't use those pants because zipping first is just-

Not possible. It's not possible. I was a younger, thinner man when those pants existed. I feel like you put the pants on backwards. Zipping up would be an Olympic sport because these people are fit, and they have great dexterity in their hands to be able to zip first. It's ridiculous. Why don't pants exist with side zippers, like on the left and the right?

You could go side zipper? I think there are pants like that. It's usually more of a fashion decision than a functional decision. All right, next question here. If there was a zombie apocalypse and you could only bring one fictional, non-superhero character with you, who would you bring? This is all so easy. So wait, fictional means not real.

Right. But it can't be a superhero. I'm so proud of you. It can't be a superhero. So you don't cheat. You're like, oh, I bring Superman with me and I'm fine. But what's the line of superhero? I mean, can you bring, for example, Gandalf?

Right, a wizard. Could a wizard come with you? No, I think that's a superpower. The concept is there's no magic. There's no superpowers. It's someone who can just operate in the world that you live in. Right. I know mine.

I know mine either. This is also very easy. Well, I mean, I know yours. You know mine? Yes, I know yours. Who is it? It's Rick Grimes, I'm sure. No.

Oh, all right. I'm proud of you. It proud of you that was just a low so for me my guy would be way better than rick grimes mine too i wonder if we got the same guy oh has your is your uh has your guy been lampooned on saturday night live i don't know um no i'm bringing the rock from. It doesn't even matter. You pick the movie. Well, you picked. I mean, the fictional.

You want him from Rampage? Go ahead. Okay, you get the skyscraper one who has the prosthetic leg. Yeah, sure. That's fine. He would probably be fine. He'd be fine. He'd be awesome.

All I know is if you're at the side of the rock in any movie, you survive. Yeah, that's fair. I think he survives. Well, I'm positive about that. I'm pretty sure that he would survive. Do you want Arnold from the Terminator to defend you? That's a pretty, I mean, he's proven his. You're a little bit across the line, though, because he's a robot.

I think it counts. He's not a superhero. I think it counts. I don't think he's a real person. Here's what I like about him. He's proven his entire existence in movies is protecting somebody for the duration of the movie. I feel pretty comfortable about that. Except in the first Terminator when he's the bad guy and he is unable to...

He has a simple task. Take out Sarah Connor and stop the revolution. He fails at it miserably. Okay. Mike, I need to know your fictional character. So I was going with just a person. There's no superpowers except for the guy's brain. You're going to Huck Finn?

Oh, no. Who are you going with? MacGyver. Really? Wow. MacGyver will get you out of any situation that you had. He would be able to set up a town. He'd be able to grow food.

He'd be able to create weapons. Boring. Don't you feel like if you want to go the Brainiac route? You've clearly never watched an episode of MacGyver in your life. I'm taking Al borland with me there are better there are better brains in the fictional world i mean i'll go with the freaking professor from gilligan's island but the professor's not making weapons he didn't need to make if he needed to he could he would why okay tell me this if he's such a professor, why were they still stuck on the island?

Oh, shoot. Because you know who would have fixed that boat? MacGyver. I can't take MacGyver seriously because I just hear MacGruber. That's why I was asking if he's been lampooned. So I think that ruins my perception of the real MacGyver, who was a crafty individual. You know what? I'll take MacGruber as well.

I'll take MacGyver and MacGruber. MacGruber will blow you up. You know it. Some throats are getting ripped out. What things are you into now that you swore you would never be into when you were a kid? That is the great question for you. So what are you into now? Napping?

401Ks. 401Ks. You swore as a kid. As a kid, you're like, I promise. So what are you into now? Napping? 401ks. 401ks. You swore as a kid. As a kid, you're like, I promise. I will never save for retirement. I will not do retirement planning. No. I can tell you.

So this is not something I'm into now. Although, goodness gracious, napping is a good one. So I'm not into this like it's a hobby or I'm proud of it. But it's something that I swore. I mean, as a kid, I said, I will not into this like it's a hobby or I'm proud of it, but it's something that I swore. I mean, as a kid, I said, I will never do this. I will never, ever, ever do this. When I am a parent, when I am a grown-up, I won't do this. And I have found myself doing this a hundred times a day over the last two weeks. I mean, this is my go-to right now.

times a day over the last two weeks. I mean, this is my go-to right now. The rationale in why your child has to do something is because your father said so. Oh, no. You are not dropping that one. It has come out of my mouth at least 72,000 times in the last two weeks. I don't have time. We got this. Our home is very busy right now we've got a big show coming up for my children and it's it's so everything is on just

a time crunch and you know do this thing why because your father said so and i swore i'd never do that because as a kid it was was like, that's so disrespectful. Give me the reason. Well, do you also feel like it's a full-on admission of, I don't know why I'm asking you to do this. No, I don't. I just feel like it needs to be done. No, it's more a demand of respect. It's if your father said so.

Because it's not because I say so. That's when I don't know the answer. Look, I'm not filing a brief, a petition in court to get these kids to do something. That's what you're saying. You don't want to have to make an argument. I'm saying your father. But they need to know why.

But I'm giving them the reason. I'm giving them the reason. That's the reason why. Here's the truth. It's not a good reason to do anything. No, but here's the truth. And this is not, you know, it's not necessarily true of everyone.

My kids, my kids have an amazing father. Sure. Do they know him? So when their father says something, they should just do it. That's the reason. It's because of who your father is. Do they know that their father speaks in the third person? I just found out myself.

I know one thing that I'm into now that I swore I would never be into as a kid. Being married to a woman. Here's the true story. I don't know if you guys have first kiss stories. Because they have the cooties?

Second grade. Second grade was my first kiss i don't think that counts no listen listen here's how i reacted to what took place i uh there was a girl who liked me in second grade and uh she invited me to walk her home um i didn't like girls apparently that's why at the time in second grade. No, I'm saying, then she kissed me. She surprised me. She gave me a smooch.

I think I cried and ran home. Then the next day, she wrote me a note to say she was sorry for kissing me, and I ripped the note up and threw it in the trash and never talked to her. So at that point in time, I swore that I was, I mean, clearly I've reversed course here. I'm a married father. And you're willing to kiss your wife now? I am 100%. Good for you.

It's a thing I'm into now that I was not into then. That's all I'm saying. My favorite thing to do with my children is to troll my 10-year-old with questions about his girlfriend. Oh, okay. Because he doesn't have one, want one, or anything. But when I say to him, I go, so how... I just randomly through the house, so how's your girlfriend doing?

Oh, man. And the look, I just can't... I'm addicted to the look on his face. Perplexed. And him shaking his head with the smirk of like, this is embarrassing. Do any of your children have the adverse reaction to seeing you kiss the wife? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. 100%. It's always booze. Oh, you get to see. It's always like like how are you kissing we had never i had never experienced this in the right household but now my youngest goes full like oh yeah and that's the reaction he falls on the ground as as if he's under attack yeah do you have this happen jason i do not no yeah yeah i didn't it's it's a new thing

for him to to give me the the gross it's the gross out oh yeah yeah i get the gross out i say something that i'm into now that i swore as a i'll say as a youth because i wasn't like a little kid skinny pants skinny pants because when i was in junior high i was a rebel i was a rock star back then and i wore all jinkos those the bag i wore baggiest things and look if you don't know what jinko pants and jingo shorts are you should probably jump on google and see how foolish oh my we used to look so you really wore those mike oh yeah i was the coolest i had jinko pants i had a big wallet chain i was i was metal you had a big wallet oh yeah multiple wallet chains all those pants are rough wow you were oh my goodness you were the worst and if you haven't seen these you're talking one pair of jinko pants if you can you just if you rationed it out and you

gave material to everyone you could you could put pants on five people just picture the biggest elephant you've ever seen and two of their legs. That's all you need. I think they straight down two elephant legs. And they had the shorts. And I remember for a while I was super proud of this look where I would have the JNCO shorts on. So they're real baggy and they go down very low. And then my socks would come up. So you would see no part of my lower extremities. I wasn't wearing pants.

But you were wearing. I was wearing short. Socks morphed into the shorts. That's not good. Not good. I had at least three friends. So clearly back then you swore. Mom. You swore you'd never be cool.

You swore you'd never be cool. I believe I was cool. Yeah's that's the beauty of time now we look back and laugh would you rather all right robert from the website asks would you rather have a flip phone but and high-speed internet at home or a smartphone and dial-speed internet at home, or a smartphone and dial-up internet at home. Oh, goodness. That one's, I'm going. Give me that flippy floppy.

Give me the flip phone because I guess this is a, along with the BMI being too high for zip first, I'm of the age, I don't understand how anyone tries to do everything on their phone. There are certain things that require a computer and a computer screen, but they insist on I'm just using the phone, and I'm like, it's going to take you

10 years to get something. You might as well have dial-up internet because it's so slow. Yeah, there are certain things. My wife does this all the time. She will try to get something. Maybe it's on Etsy and download it and print it and crop it and edit it 100% from the phone. And I'm like, this would take 12 seconds if we go upstairs on the computer or 22 days, and then it won't work if we stay on the phone.

Is this a matter of not wanting to move locations to the computer, or is this being computer adverse? It's kind of along the lines of if you're not a computer person in general, that's the route you'd rather go because you're on that device more often. Here's the thing that's funny. And by the way, I'll take the flip phone and the high-speed internet. Did you guys see this new device that Samsung revealed yesterday? Is this the bendy one? No. What?

The Samsung Fold came out yesterday. Oh, can't wait to fold my phone. Give me your phone, Jay. Give me your phone. Picture your phone. I'm looking at it. There's two of them. All right. And so it to fold my phone. Give me your phone, Jay. Give me your phone. Picture your phone, okay? I'm looking at it. There's two of them, all right?

And so it's a normal phone, and then you can fold it, and it's a double screen. And it's not a double screen. It's like one screen. It's a bendable screen. Hold on. So you fold it like this. I have questions. Hello, hello, hello.

And then you go, boom, you got a tablet on the inside. It opens like a book. Yeah, it opens like a book. And now they got folding screens. Wait a minute. I'm trying to figure out. They're trying to combine it all into one device. I'm trying to figure out the screen situation. Yeah. So, because you have, clearly you have the screen on the face. You got the screen on the face. And when you open to the inside, it instantly gives you everything you were looking on the front. So does that mean when you open to the inside it instantly gives you everything you were looking on the front so does that mean when you're on the phone there's a screen on the back then when you're on the no no no the screen's on the inside of the book yeah you don't really need a screen while you're talking on the phone screen can be on the inside so the speaker in the no no no no no the

screen's on the outside okay picture a book gentlemen okay a regular book but the cover the cover of the book is a screen. Okay. Then you open. And the back cover. No, not the back cover, bro. So there's three screens. There's three screens.

Yeah, there has to be three screens. There's two screens because the inside screen is folding. Okay, well, it's... It's a single screen on the inside that's foldable, and there's a screen on the front. There's one front screen, and then you open it, and you have one larger screen. So Jason and I are just counting it as two. Well, Jason said back of the book, which is wrong. So if you open the book up in the middle, it's a giant tablet. So just imagine a tablet you fold in half and use as a phone.

This is where we're at technologically. What's the thickness of this thing? Am I holding up a Zach Morris phone to my ear? It's not that thick. It's $2,000. Oh, that's thick. That's pretty thick. Look, I'm going to go the other way.

He says, quote, it's a luxury device. It's funny. I was going to go the other way on this. I was going to take the phone and the dial-up internet because of the future. If I take this today, I'm going to have to take this forever. And I do believe that even though it's insane to try to do everything on your phone right now i mean oh you want that smartphone evolution you're trying to future proof yes i'm trying to future proof because look 5g is almost here foldable phones that will be totally usable as a computer are apparently just $2,000 away.

And, I mean, yeah, I'm going to take the phone. Because if I've got to have a flip phone, I'm going to be left in the dust. Technology is going mobile. Okay, but if 5G, when you say it's almost here, you've already, by your own admission, said that things take 22 days on the phone sometimes. Just now. But once you unfold it, 11 days.

11 days. That means a year or two, you are living that life of frustration. And I plan to live at least 10 more years. You can. So I'll have nine good ones. You can do most everything on the phone now. It may take a little bit longer, but you can. Would you rather always talk in rhymes or have to sing everything you say?

What would you choose? Which would you select? I feel like if you can talk in rhymes, you're actually... That's pretty cool. You're going to sound... You might sound eloquent. You're going to be divorced probably at some point in time. No, not if you're poetic about it.

I mean, that's not going to get old real quick. Not Dr. Seuss in it. These are going to be real good rhymes. Yeah, real good. You're not busting out Log Frog. I mean, you're going to have a much more established. Well, eventually. You're telling me you're going to write a complex poem to ask for the remote control?

Well, I feel like- That's a lot of waste. So this really is what it comes down to. Does this come naturally? Yes. So when I speak- You're very Rico Suave. When I speak, I just naturally end up rhyming everything I say, or I have to actually, I

have to come up with my rhymes. Because, I have to come up with my rhymes. Because if I have to come up with my rhymes, I'm singing, I can sing. Log frog is coming out there. I can sing everything that I ever want to sing. I think that's a better way to go. I can sing it whenever I want. You think my wife wants to hear, look over there, that thing I can't bring. Grab the remote and give me that thing.

No. No, she doesn't. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't want. Grab the remote and give me that thing. No. No, she doesn't. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't want to hear the singing. All right, Mike. That's fair. Let's say this. All right, Mike, you need to talk.

Which one gets you punched? Wait. You need to... Which one gets you punched? I think both. Yeah. That's the correct answer. All right.

You need to figure out where you're going to go to dinner with your wife, and you can only speak in rhymes you come up with. Can I rhyme words like they do? Sure. Like they're just making up words. Sure. They're cutting words in half. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Partial rhymes are fine. I'm throwing you on the spot here. I want to hear it. Mike, I want to go to dinner. That's apparently your wife. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's going to listen to this. I want to go to dinner. That's apparently your wife. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

She's going to listen to this. I want to go to dinner. That's not nice. Let's go get something to eat. I'd prefer if it was some meat. Okay, so would you rather have pork on a fork, or would you rather get a burger then? Pork on a fork. Okay.

Way to go, Jason. Way to go. I put the softball out there. I didn't even know it. Okay, so Mike's going around. I'm singing everything. I'm singing a song to a beautiful tune the rest of my life. All right, Ryan from the website. Would you rather

have all your viewing experiences so TV, phone, computer, etc. be through a magnifying glass or have to look at them all reflected in a mirror? Well, in a mirror you deal with the backwards problems, right?

You can't read. Subtitle movies, they're done. Yeah, since that makes up a big part of my life. We've been over this. You don't watch subtitles. Well, I hate them, so this is great news. Generally speaking, a TV or a movie, you could watch off of the mirror, and I think a high percent of the time be okay.

Yeah. If you look through a magnifying glass, I feel like you're going to throw up. But you can't use a computer on a mirror. You ever looked at your spouse in a mirror and thought they looked funny? No. No? But tell us. Tell us about that.

I'm sure she's listening. How does she look funny? Well, I mean, here's the thing. Most people, they don't have perfectly. I do. what what is how does she look funny well i mean like here here's the thing like most people like they don't have perfectly i do my wife does how about you jay oh totally symmetrical 100 perfectly symmetrical and you when you were beautiful when you get to know somebody you 100 know them as what they look like but then in in a mirror, you know, like if a lip curls a little bit differently. Right.

It curls on the opposite side. I will say this. Like she's just as beautiful in the mirror as she is outside of it. But you notice the difference. When he looks at himself in the mirror, he sees a foot in his mouth. Well, see, you see yourself in a mirror. So for you, it would be in a picture right no i i will say this so i i i look i've got hair problems my follicles are stupid and old but i remember

the same age as ours i remember i was doing this uh this little film thing in college and someone was doing my hair and they did it the other way like they they did my hair the the different swoop like the different direction than i was used to and it looked so absurdly weird but then when i watched the film i was like oh that's the way i'm supposed to be going like i'm i'm doing what i thought i looked like in the mirror was not what i looked like does that make any sense it makes perfect sense because in the mirror was not what I looked like. Right. Does that make any sense? It makes perfect sense because what you saw was actually what you saw in the mirror. Right.

But most people were seeing you with the opposite swoop. So. You always thought that swoop was a certain way. I've always made myself look worse. Always. Think about it. You swoop to the right. You look in the mirror.

But you're actually swooping to the left. Right. But the swoop, your hair is supposed to tell you which way the swoop goes. Well, sure. Well, look, my hair's not good enough to talk. My hair tells me nothing. If my hair said anything,

it would say two words, and that's, kill me. Kill me. Your hair? Yes, my hair is requesting to pray for death. This is my hair.

Oh, no. My hair is requesting to pray for death. This is my hair. Oh, no. My hair is not wanting to grow or be a part of this world any longer. Well, I love you, dear Brianna. So, look, the mirror is not a big deal for watching most stuff. But a computer. In fact, it would be strange for sporting events events because all the players would be left-handed shooting and all the baseball players would throw with the opposite hand and swing from the opposite side of the plate.

All the numbers would be backwards. 25 would be a problem. Or would that be not a problem? Is that the one number? How does mirror work? How does think yeah 25 25 in a mirror is what is it 25 i feel like i really need it that way you can now you got to get your phone out look i i think i would be better, the magnifying thing would be horrible. Yes, but you can actually use a computer. Oh, yeah.

Reading. Yeah. Yeah. That stinks. Yeah, I'm going to take the mirror, though. I'm going to take the mirror. What do you guys got? I'm going to take the magnifying glass because then I will.

I mean, one, that assumes now I always have a magnifying glass on me, which the next logical step is I'm wearing Sherlock Holmes gear. Yeah. Just all the time. They're like, here comes Sherlock. Jason's in the middle of writing diagrams to figure out what a mirror does. Breaking down the Zapruder film. How does mirror go? I cannot figure out what a 25 looks like in a mirror.

I can't do it in my brain. And Google isn't helping me because when I say in a mirror, they think 25 inches. The N becomes inches. So now I'm just looking at 25 inch mirrors. Do you know what 25 inches looks like in a mirror? It's incredible. The Spitballers

Draft. Alright, we are doing... We are doing a mock draft today. Wouldn't you know? Are you taking Nick Foles? I'm doing a mock draft. And today we're doing the best movie quotes of all time. Oh, mercy.

It doesn't matter if the movie's got a mirror in it or not. You can select any movie. Oh, don't watch the mirror. Have you seen the mirrors? The movie mirrors? The horror movie? No. Oh.

Yeah, the mirror people make you do things. Well, I hope all your quotes come from that movie. They do. Here's the thing that is, like, I feel similar to when we did the television theme songs. Yeah. There were so many that when we were done, the uproar of like, how did you not take all of these?

It will happen. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. For sure. Because there's infinite great lines in movies. How are these writers so good? There's at least 100 plus high quality movie lines that could be selected. That's far more than 100.

I just mean like upper echelon could win this draft with right okay okay and then we're gonna pick four each so keep that in mind however mine will be the best four that you could possibly assemble i've got the first pick in the draft wait update on the 25 lifetime oh uh victory status of these drafts uh the reviewer was correct that Jason is winning. You are. However, this last week's poll was the closest we've ever had. From first place to last place was a gap of three percentage points. 35, 33, 32.

The food draft. That was crazy. All right. We're going to do a movie quote draft. I've got the first pick in this one. These are the type of drafts that I don't think having the first pick does you much good. It does not. I completely agree.

But I'm going to go with a haymaker at a minimal. It may not be what you guys deem the best. I think it's solid. It's strong. It deserves it. I'm looking at how many times has this quote, this is my own classification, how many times do people repeat the quote just in their everyday life? How many years has it lasted?

How repeatable is it? How long will it last in the future? My pick, the first pick in the top movie quote is from Star Wars, May the Force Be With You. Yeah, that's a quality Wars, may the force be with you. Yeah, that's a quality one. May the force be with you. It's on my list. I've got a list of, I don't know, like 30, and that's not on my list. Wow.

Really? Yeah, I mean, that's just boring. Oh, come on. I'm not endearing myself to the Star Wars fanatics out there. No, you are not. So that is my first pick. Man. So you're right, Andy.

It's trying to find the qualifications of things that are repeatable, things that stand the test of time. Well, it's very subjective. I mean, what makes a great quote? That is definitely... Does a great movie make a great quote? Or does a great quote make a great movie? Or are they completely independent?

Can you get a great quote from a bad movie and still win this poll? I don't think that you can get a great quote from a bad movie. Because the quote becomes great because it's been seen so many times. And you just don't watch bad movies over and over and over. So I do think it has to come from a great movie. Your thing that really, you know, I was like, oh, boring. But now I look at my quotes and I'm like, oh, how do I hold up with that? Because yours is a quote from like a hundred movies.

It's not fair. That's not a quote from a movie. That's a quote from every, that's a quote from every that's a quote from a from a brand all right well the the first quote i'm going to take is from 1977 the first star wars just do it it's from a nike that's what movies are you watching shoe commercials wait my this movie is great it's a one-off, though. It's not a series like Star Wars. And this one is legendary because it does get repeated frequently when people get into trouble. And that is Houston, we have a problem.

Okay, so you guys are going classic. For now, to start. Houston, we have a problem? Yeah. From Apollo 13. If you do not remember that quote, Houston, we have a problem. But let me just, I'm not an idiot, Mike. I remember the quote from real life.

It's not from a movie. It's from life. You're taking a quote from what happened in real life. It's a movie quote. From real life. Well, it's also in a movie. Yeah. So what defines a movie quote?

Let me say this. Do you understand what I'm saying? I do. Let me ask this. Would this be an acceptable quote? Because this is in a movie. Hold on. I got to look this up and make sure I get it right because I'm going to be an idiot.

I'm not saying you can't pick it. I'm just saying it's unique because it wasn't written. It was just taken for granted. It wasn't written as a quote. It was not crafted specifically. I'm criticizing you is what I'm doing. What about one small step for a man? Yeah.

That's the exact same thing. That is not a. What about one small step for a man? That's the exact same thing. That is not a movie quote. One giant leap for mankind. That's a human quote. Yeah, it's in First Man. It is in First Man. Oh, gosh. What a great movie quote.

And with my pick, no. Yeah, if you do that, I think you're going to hurt yourself. I don't think people are going to respect Mike. All right. Okay. Well, we'll see. We'll see. We'll see.

I'm going to pivot already. I haven't even made my pivot. We'll see. We'll see. I'm going to pivot already. I haven't even made my pivot. Al Borland, do you understand what I'm saying? I do. I will say this. Thank you for adding some color there. You can understand what someone is saying even though they're being an idiot. Here's the truth.

The difference between those two quotes, Houston, we have a problem, and the one small step, is that naturally, when I think of Houston, we have a problem, I think of Apollo 13. It's a movie, not the spaceship. Yeah, I do think of Apollo 13 as well. When I think of one small step, one giant leap, I think of history. I totally agree with that. But they're both history, just for clarity's sake. Well, yours is history, but it's a galaxy in a far, far off place.

No, mine's a movie quote, Mike. No, it's a history from the documentary Star Wars. We're doing a movie quote draft. Jason? All right. I am up, and I am going to- I do not have sex with that woman. I'm going to pick a quote that is very different than your guys's classics. You know, very honorable quotes.

May the force be with you. Sure. Or, you know, Houston. Mine's very honorable. Yeah. That's what people think of. I'm going to go with three words. Maybe it's one word.

I don't know. Maybe it's a sound. You don't know? I don't know how it's spelled. But people will know. So this is either a three word quote or a three syllable quote oh you'll know it or a sound mike this is from your favorite movie oh i actually pivoted off of this one yippee-ki-yay wow and we'll leave it there yes i have yippee-ki-yay my friend written down because yippee-ki-yay, that one, as when you,

when you find diehard on K on a cable and, and things are out or edited. Oh, is that what they, well, there's, yeah, they,

the two legendary edits for that are Yippee, K, Yippee, K, my friend, or in diehard two, they go with, they make up a character who's not in the movie.

And he says, he says, Yippeeee-ki-yay mr falcon wow incredible i'm just gonna go with yippee-ki-yay yep uh great that's fine great i would call that a oh it's hyphenated you would you hyphenate that when you're writing it out so it's one hmm yeah i don't know that's where i. I don't know if this is three words, one word. If one word is hyphenated, is that still one word? Or is that three words? That's three words. That's the worst draft we've ever done.

All right. All right. Okay, I've got another pick here, and I'm going to say that we are being – we're taking this draft really, really – we're just – you know, I've got a question to ask about it. Since we're really digging deep and thinking about it in such a serious level, I gotta ask

why so serious? I can't believe you took the two that were gonna be my picks. Yeah, I took them. I took them. Why so serious was... When Heath Ledger, I mean, had that unbelievable performance of the Joker, that line, that picture, that graphic, that meme, that everything

was gargantuan. So I'm going to take that and I'm going pop culture here. You guys can have your classics. I'm going for the fun. You guys can have your classics. I'm going for the fun. Hmm. Back to Mike. Hmm. He's searching presidential speeches over there.

Yeah. Can I go with press conferences? I'm not a crook. I'm not a crook. Yes. From the Nixon documentary. I remember that. Is there any good ones from the new Cheney movie?

Probably. From JFK. It was ask not what. your country could do for you. I'm sure that was in a movie. Yeah, the Kevin Costner film. Sure, yeah. All right. Let's just destroy this thing.

Let's burn it down. All right, so I have Houston. We have a problem. And now I'm having a problem Jason's in my head of do I go with a more modern one or do I just stab him right in the face wow that's painful

I know exactly yes and that's exactly what I'm gonna do well there's two I know there's two and I'm gonna take the one that I believe even though it's not the one that we use. It's the one that's more popular. It's about things that can be taken away from you.

Yeah, I know. They can take one thing, but they can't take the other. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. Braveheart, best movie of all time. So obviously. And sometimes you just do picks in this draft Because you know your friends That was your mashed potatoes

I have to cross that out of my list now That's my favorite movie Mashed potatoes That's my quote Because somebody Strange encounter So you have Houston we have a problem And they can take our lives but they'll never take our freedom from Braveheart.

From Braveheart. Yes. In case you weren't a Braveheart fan. Some people might not know. All right. So I have to make two picks now? Correct. That is correct.

All right. I'm going to go with, first, I'm going to go with a simple three words from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh. That's a good one. I'll be back oh that's a good one i'll be back that's a good one from uh terminator i mean it's like the second best quote from that movie yeah you could go you could go the other one that's fine um so i can't now yeah you're gonna be second all right so i'll be back from terminator and then i'm making a decision here. Oh, man, I could have really hurt Jason. Oh, you got to do it.

I did it, and it was great. It felt really good. Did it feel good? It felt great. Show me the money! Honestly, if you didn't take it, I was going to take that. Show me the money. When you said three words, I knew you were taking show me the money,

but then that was- Four words. I just found out that's four words. So those are two of my favorite movies. Yeah, you don't have either of them. Yes. Braveheart and Jerry Maguire. You know, the good thing is both those movies have about five famous quotes each.

Yeah, you can have the worst ones. All right, back to you, Mike. All right. Oh, man. It's so ridiculous. When you actually get on the clock, you have the plan. You know exactly what you're going to do. And then everything just melts into a puddle as soon as it's actually time to make a decision.

No, I'm always fine, actually. Andy's is really classic. You're taking terrible ones. But he's taking the Coca-Colas. How am I? No, I'm saying that as a compliment. May the force be with you. I'll be back and show me the money are three of like...

Yeah, the best movie quotes of all time. Right? Yes. Yes, but they're not as fun. Okay, sure. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I thought we were doing a best movie quotes of all time draft. That's fair.

Sorry. That's why I picked them. Go ahead, Mike. Show me the money is, and it's a good one. Yeah, I mean, there's a million great quotes out there. I can't believe you can't pick one. I think Mike just wants to quit. He's like, I'm out.

I think what it is is generally Mike is the most fun one here. And Jason's, he's going all pop culture, like modern. And Mike can't get out modern. He's having a hard time with it. I really am. But we'll stick in the theme then of actual best movie quotes of all time. Seems fair. I know.

What are you going with? I'm going with some things are hard to handle when they are exposed. When facts are accurate or also known as the truth. Because you can't handle the truth. All right. A few good men. Yes. Great movie.

One of the best. When I was looking up... you know you've seen that movie borland have you seen a few good men lounging back they're not paying attention have you seen it before yes i have that shocks me mister i haven't seen braveheart i haven't seen our producers that he's he's got these uh blank spots you know how sometimes people they get like a memory issue and there's right there's missing years he's got the same thing but with movies over like the last 20 years there's these like he just blacked out periods of time movie blackouts that's what i would call them right is that fair that's accurate yeah so congratulations on having seen a few good men

all right so you got you can't handle the Mike. It was on my short list over here. Congratulations on a nice pick. Thank you. It was on mine as well. So I've got my final two picks, and I hate this because I've got like a thousand that I want to take, but I would certainly be, I mean, I can't go out of this draft not taking a quote from Braveheart.

And since you left the best one, if you had taken this one. It's not the popular one. Sure, but I say this all the time. All the time. I like that. I've taken a Braveheart one, so now you're going to take a Braveheart one. No, 100%. I thought about coming into this draft.

Not every man. I might have taken both. Every man. Every man dies. Not every man. Every man dies. Not every man truly lives. That right there was the quote you should have gone with. No, I played a win. You know what's funny about that?

Now that there's two Braveheart quotes off the board, I won't be making a third. But I thought the quote to go with was just freedom. I thought that was the quote, just screaming freedom was just freedom i thought that was the quote just screaming freedom for on his uh deathbed yeah i thought that was the quote from the movie so it was interesting that you went different directions that's what makes this fascinating jason you get one more pick you have yippee-ki-yay my friend you have why so serious from dark knight great pick you have every man dies not every man Lives from Braveheart, and you have one more selection and you don't, fundamentally, you don't want

to blow it here. You don't want to make a horrible horrible selection. So what is your pick? I'm trying to decide whether I go classic, whether I go pop culture, whether I go something that I love that certainly wouldn't I'll throw one out there. You guys can have it if you want. If this was

just like, what? Classic Jason. No, no, no. I'm not taking this. But I'm saying like, I say this. I know, that's what you do is you throw things out and like hoping that people remember you said it and so you get attributed to picking it even though you didn't pick it. What a great idea.

If you're listening, remember that I said this was in the box. That's such a good quote. Wow. That's not even close to my short list. I know. What's in the box? That's such a good quote. Wow. That's not even close to my short list. I know. What's in the box? But I say it every time we get something from Amazon. What's that from?

From Seven. That's Seven. Oh, so good. Oh, all right. I mean, it's definitely a... That one's a very functional quote. That's what I mean. Very functional.

That's what I mean. It's not a vote getter, but it's so... That would move on to your pick. All right. I think I've got to go classic here, because I'm looking yippee-ki-yay, why so serious? Every man dies, not every man truly lives. I'm going to go classic.

And if I'm going classic, there's just a couple here that I think it doesn't matter if you've seen the movie. You know what I mean? Those type of quotes where maybe you've never seen it, doesn't matter. But I'm going to say hello to my little friend. That was going to be my final pick. It's on my short list. What's the movie, Jay?

Well, the best part is. What's the movie, Jay? I'll take it from. I mean, I'm not going to take it from the movie, Jason. Jason, what's the movie? Well, you just took a quote from a movie. You don't even know what it's from? That's why I took the quote.

Wait, no, it's Al Pacino. What's the movie, Jay? Yeah, that's good. You're getting closer. And it's from Scarface? Yeah. Okay, now I promise you I did not. You Googled it.

No, I did not. Okay, Jason, you just remember? Jason, we can go back to the audio tape and hear you clicking on your keys. No, I did, but I answered it before the answer came. Yeah, because Google did the autofill. No, uh-uh, I got it, but also from the mask. I get two movies. Oh, my gosh.

Well, that quote is in tons of movies, not just those two. I get all of those movies. If you're trying to say hello to my little friend. Yeah, it's good. It's good. It was on my short list. Mike, you got your final pick so far. Right. Houston, we have a problem from real Yeah, it's good. It's good. It was on my short list. Mike, you got your final pick so far. Right.

Houston, we have a problem from real life, but they'll never take our freedom from Braveheart. I mean, the whole quote. Yes. And then you can't handle the truth from a few good men. That could be your best pick, stealing that in the third round. That was dynamic. I appreciate that. And I have a lot of quotes here that I want to take,

but I'm just going to go with The Heart. And it's a quote from a childhood series. It's classic. Oh, sure. But it's coming back. Yep. And so I'm staying with my space theme here. To infinity and beyond.

Yep, that's on my short list. Wow, that is honestly a wonderful pick. I appreciate that. Thank you. Wow. I was not expecting it. It was not on my short list, and yet it is one of the best movie quotes of all time. And one of the most repeated quotes of all time.

It's because they get you, man. That's a powerhouse fourth pick. They tug on the heartstrings. You put yourself into real contention with that pick, and I don't like it. Because I thought I kind of thought I had this one in the bag, and I could just mail in this last one with a favor to mine. Oh, don't banana cream pie.

It almost cost Jason. But it didn't. I still won. So I got one pick left. I have May the 4th be with you. I'll be back. And show me the money. Feeling great. it's pretty solid and now i'm deciding between two uh i had two if it makes you feel better i had two quotes that like i really wanted to take them they're just they're a little bit too off the beaten path

yeah i mean there's a lot of uh i want you to make your pick so we can share some of our opinions yeah we can share some of our undrafted. Man, I'm going to go with the Godfather. I'm going to stay in my classic powerhouses with, I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. Okay. Okay, dokey. But I was real close.

No, that's on my list. I was real close to Welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh, see, my quote from that was, hold on to your butts. Yeah, hold on to your butts is definitely on my short list. The one that I wanted to take, but it's just my heart wasn't fully there, but it's roads. Where we're going. Oh, that's great. We don't need roads uh so here's one that

so i i i find i found through doing this draft that the quotes i've never seen scarface before that's what he found out no what i what i found out is that is that i actually scare face what is this movie that i actually like quotes that I say a lot. Like, those are my favorite quotes. Of course. I just like the what's in the box. So, like, that's not a knife. This is a knife.

You know, those type of quotes. I drink your milkshake. Right. I bust that one out a lot. That's a good one. There's some big ones. I mean, we're not in Kansas anymore. I'm from Wizard of Oz. My precious. That's why

this is just this draft is we should have put some constraints on it. I am Groot. No. I am Groot? That's not in the top 5,000 quotes of all time. I am Groot is one of the best movie quotes of all

time. Look, you know who says it? Jason. Jason says it. If you want more classic. You know who says it. If you want more classic. Do you know who actually says it? Do you know who Groot is? Vin Diesel. Yeah, Vinny D. That is the

best paycheck he ever picked up. I mean, seriously. How about there's no crying in baseball? Yeah, that's a great quote. Hasta la vista, baby, was the other quote. I went with I'll be back. Especially with the hasta emphasis on the hasta.

Yo, Adrian! Oh, yo, Adrian. Man, that's a good one. I didn't think about that one. You had me at hello was the Jerry McGuire one I would have taken. Now we're just reading movie quotes. Alright, so hey, final answers here. Why don't we each drop, you know, that way you can present them the way you want to. I have may the force be with you. I'll be back.

Show me the money. And I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. I got Houston. We have a problem. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. You can't handle the truth. And to infinity and beyond. I'm winning with yippee-ki-yay.

My friend. My friend. Why so serious? Every man dies. Not every man truly lives. That's you jumping the shark. And say hello to my little friend. What did you guys learn on the show today?

I learned that Jason does not know how a mirror works. I learned that Jason is actually just a giant suitcase. And I learned that Andy is going to have some problems at home after this episode airs. Oh, do you have a way to block the RSS feed in your house? I love you, baby. Hey, make sure you subscribe. Thanks for listening. See you next week.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spitwad. We appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes.