Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 37: Disney Character Battle Royale - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

What do you do when you find yourself in the wrong bathroom? Would you rather be an android amongst humans or a human amongst androids? Jason barely made it into the studio to help the fellas weigh in on these very important questions for you today. The episode concludes with a Disney Character Battle Royale draft and the guys have their own battle to determine what defines a Disney character. Be sure to subscribe to enjoy every episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. The mouth trumpet? That was a real trumpet. Oh, you brought yours. Yeah, there it is. Wow.

Let me put this away. The shiny trumpet. Kerplunk? Kerplunk. That's not the noise a trumpet makes. You're one of those comedians that goes up on stage with his bag of props. Oh, I would be a carrot top for sure. Don't forget to close the door.

Most people don't say that with pride. Like, I would be a carrot top. But you said it with a sense of, you know. I would wish you luck at your shows, Mike, and I would not show up to that. That's fine because I'm pretty sure that Carrot Top, well, maybe at one point of his life was financially stable. I don't know if he's got a good wealth manager. He certainly has a good steroid salesman. Look, you can. Allegedly does a lot of juice. As a good steroid salesman. Look. Have you seen that? Look, you can. Alleged.

Alleged. Allegedly does a lot of juice. Quacks like a duck. That dude is buff. He is ripped. He got made fun of a long time being called Carrot Top. And then he's like, you want to make fun of me? Yeah, he is literally like the scrawny comedian who found his way into a science laboratory

and said, Doc, they keep making fun of me. Gets a syringe that's like 12 feet long. Let's see him make fun of me now. And then there's lightning strikes the lab. Call me a vegetable. His clothes rip off. So I have not actually looked up Carrot Top in a long time. You weren't aware?

Well, no, I knew he was jacked, like crazy muscular. But I did not realize that his face was the actual model for the new Momo thing going around. He is a scary faced monster. He's terrifying. That is a terrifying face. No, we had the momo discussion last night and uh look i'm i'm fairly confident that this is just a oh andy just pulled it up it's a hoax it's a hoax but it's a complete hoax and look i get it these things float around that and it's terrifying it's the scariest the idea of what was being

presented uh if you hadn't we're not going to talk get into all of that stuff on this show but it's as a parent it's terrifying and you're like okay i gotta look it up and then you google that word yeah and you are like there's not a lot that freaks me out. Yeah. Bro, bro, I have tears in my eyes. It is. I'm not, oh my gosh. It is. Don't freak. What is happening?

Why are we talking about this? Jason's fault. It's Carrot Top's fault. Don't do that to your face, bro. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Give me the Momo. I already knew. Give me the Momo.

Would you rather would you rather have spirit life face or momo's face i would do like the last thing i'll say is i imagine carrot top at the end of this thing it's it's full joker he's in the he's in the chair give me the mirror give me the mirror i already knew this was gonna be a weird show because because jason we got here jason's not even feeling well he didn't need to come in to work today but he did anyway and he's trying to put his headphones in and it's like a cartoon where a guy's jumping rope and ends up like wrapped up in the rope i mean he couldn't get him around his head he couldn't get him out i'm under the weather i would not have come in if not for this show i literally just drove in i'm leaving right after this show i'm on all sorts of day

quill night quill combinations right now you know trying to wake up from the night quill al get the sensor button ready and i i'm loopy yeah i'm terrified so we have a this show's gonna be great by the way for all the things we've said about Carrot Top, it looks like he's doing just fine at the Luxor, so he's still performing. All right. Last laugh is for him. Not only is Would You Rather in life advice on the show today,

but we have what I think is going to be one of our greatest drafts ever. Yes. And I'm just going to tell you what it is right now. Oh, stay tuned for this. It's a Disney Battle Royale. Yeah. So we're drafting Disney characters to join our army and battle one another. We did this with, didn't we do two?

We did it with animals. A food fight, right? Yes. And we did it with animals. Now, I want to do an ocean Battle Royale at some point. We definitely need a sea battle royale. There is a theme with our show. Apparently, we really like imaginary fights.

Yes. Yes, that's true. Oh, a celebrity battle royale. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's got to come someday, fellas. That will happen. But that's the draft coming up.

And I want to let the spitwads out there know, those that are loyal listeners to this show, we've heard you. We've seen your reviews. We appreciate all the love on social media. Al Borland is just glowing on a daily basis, our producer. We're going forward with Al Borland. Well, it's not our fault. It's his fault.

He's wearing another plaid shirt today. Dude, I tried to help you because you did nothing to help yourself uh so al yeah al is al is behind he's manning the levers and pulleys he's got all of his tools back there yeah so listen lots of good my trumpet i'm trying to tease out something here a lot of great stuff is coming for Spitballers fans. Yes. We're going to bring this show to video. So that'll be one thing that's taking place. The wheels are in motion. Al has got his tools out. He's working on the set.

That was one of them. Mike, once again, pulls from his trick bag. The other thing is we're going to be doing stuff. I don't know how much to say. Say it all. We're going to be doing stuff. I don't know how much to say. Say it all, my friend. But we're going to be creating a little community for the Spitballers. Let's put it that way.

Fantastic. Okay? And we've got good things planned. So I think we're 37 episodes in on this show. 35 more than I thought we'd make it. You thought we'd get to two? Yeah, two and call it quits. So we have a great show today find us on twitter at spitballers

pod on instagram instagram.com spitballers pod facebook itunes everywhere uh do we uh we don't have a review today so let's go ahead and get into the first segment would you rather? All right, this one comes in from Jeremy on the website. He says, would you rather be sick half as often, but the sickness would be twice as intense, or be sick twice as often, but the sickness be half as intense? This is timely because last week Mike missed a fantasy footballers podcast due to... I was manned down. You were too manned down.

Yeah, I was. You and your wife were both down. It was the unique... Everyone's experienced it, but it is the absolute worst when both parents are sick. Usually the virus has at least the decency. Yeah, the respect, the kindness. To slowly infect your family, let you have at least one parentency. Yeah, the respect, the kindness. To slowly infect your family, let you have at least one parent.

Luckily... Double dipping. I mean, this was 9-1-1 to the grandparents. We both, in the morning, like on... Boop, boop, boop. Yeah, just, dad, help. Send help. So your kids didn't get sick.

No. And you and your wife... Now, who's the whinier sick person i'm sure it's me okay i was just trying to put put you in a position no to no get in trouble since you guys got me in trouble on the show last week with my wife looks weird in a mirror no i i know if why did you bring it back well i mean it's mean, it's just so true, right? Yeah. How did I do that again? Great.

And then I'm sick right now. My sickness is not nearly as bad as yours. I couldn't function. You sound nasally, very nasally. You never sounded better, Jay. It's amazing. I mean, amazing. I don't understand how one nostril can be running while the other nostril is completely clogged. And then 10 minutes later, they flip flop.

Sometimes I can breathe. Sometimes I can't. I have no idea what's happening in my head. Well, you did mention you're on a cocktail of drugs. That might help. Look, I have an answer to this question. I would rather be sick half as often and twice as intense. And here's why.

I don't want to be known as sickly. Yeah. If you're sick all the time, even if it's little things, number one, nobody's going to listen to your complaints. And I like to whine and mope. If you're really sick, people, oh, my gosh, you were that sick? Oh, let me make you some soup. And you want some from the store? They're just so compassionate.

And I soak that up. Feed me. Trust me. On pity. Not, and I soak that up. Feed me. Trust me. On pity. Not only do I know what you're talking about, I know because I lived that life. In high school, I was the kid with the horrific allergies, horrific asthma, and nasal spray.

That was your nickname. Yeah, that's exactly. And I didn't know. That was your nickname. Yeah. That's exactly. And I didn't like school, so there was no pushing through if something was wrong, which led to, yeah, got the black lung. I got the black lung, pa. And this led to a nickname that can't be mentioned on this. Oh, no. On this program that was-

Ask Mike about nicknames. Really? You got a nickname from your friends. Oh, yes. I see. It was. Ask Mike about nicknames. Really? You got a nickname from your friends. Oh, yes. I see. Look, it was a term of endearment. But it can't be said here. I've got some ideas.

So you both are going the Band-Aid route. Look, there was a strong alliteration. I'll tell you that much. You guys are both going the Band-Aid route of just rip it off, get it out of the way. I get sick maybe at the absolute most once a year i would say i'm um man down once every two years so to me that's like incredible incredible sickness but every three to four years see i'll take that i would take the other approach because now i i get you're living that life right now i am living that life i get your argument

of the boy who cried wolf maybe you don't get as much sympathy i'll tell you the name always if you're just always sick but i really enjoy a light sickness i mean because he's willing to make it sound like it's the worst sickness in the world andy did we have the gym this morning yes did i go no you're darn right i did it you're done right mike sick we're working today what am i doing when this show's over i imagine you're going home you're darn right i'm going home and i'm going to sleep. And if I can do this twice as often but never really be all the way down and out. You think I'm too sick to play some video games at home? I don't.

Dude, the absolute best and worst. Oh, you want to be in that middle zone of sickness, right? Well, no, I want to pose this question to you guys. I want to find out what the rule was in your household. And this is not referring to high school i'm talking like elementary school so when you're sick and you're home from school it's because you're actually sick what were the rules upon you what was the television rule and what was the video game rule if you were home sick from school yeah i think

this might play a part in my current uh status a man. I was allowed to do whatever. I got the pity. I got the love. It was, you're sick. You just play your video games. Thanks, Mom. See, back then, I got the black and white TV moved into the bedroom. What?

Into the room? They'd move it into the room, and I could sit there and watch my Price is Right and my I Love Lucy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, time out. Legitimately, you had a black and white television? Yes. Did you have a, I don't think I ever had. Those aren't real.

We were not born in the 50s. We were born well past black and white television. I mean, this was the early phase of life, yeah. Oh, mercy. I'm younger than both of you, by the way. I'm searching invention of color TV. I think the Wizard of Oz started the color fad well before we were born. Guys, it was not until the mid-1960s.

We're talking about... Oh, sick. I got to get the black and white. We're talking about a portable TV. It's your birthday. We're bringing the black and white in. tv it's your birthday we're bringing the black and white in how many tvs did you grow up with in your house merry christmas here's a black and white when you were eight years old how many tvs was in your house were in your house because i

we had one we had two we had one tv in the main room and it had all the push buttons so it was like a sony and it was probably like 20 inches and then we had one black and white that was like in my parents room and they'd watch tv with it i remember my my cousin they his parents had a black and white in his in there we went through a a rich phase uh and this is a very short-lived rich phase i always talk about it my wife knows the rockefeller did you Carrot Top managing your wealth? I don't know. I was around the age between like 8 to 12. That was like this really short, because we were never well off.

We weren't destitute, but we were whatever. And we had this small period where we came into some money, and it happened quick. It was over quick. But I remember we went from one TV in the house, and then Christmas morning came, and everyone had a big old colored JVC in the old bedroom. Everyone in your room? Oh, in the bedroom.

We all had it. Big old, I think this thing was like 29 inches, colored TV right in the bedroom. We did the thing where you rented. We rented the big screen television. That was a thing you could do because you just didn't buy them for the nba playoffs because the suns were doing well well not everybody i was watching andy griffith on black and white televisions well then it was true to its nature i mean watching andy griffith on a on a tv that has color is just a waste that is a waste we were efficient with our non-cable television.

He didn't know the difference because he was only allowed to watch black and white shows. Yeah, wasn't everything in black and white back then? Weren't the NBA players all in black and white? Andy Griffith started in 1985, right? Yes. All right, here's another question for you. Would you rather discover that you are an android while everyone else around you is human or find out that everyone around you is an android and you are human?

Oh, sweet mercy. That's a great question. It has to be that I'm the android. It has to be. I cannot live a life where I look and I'm the last human left and everyone around me is a monster machine. Because if i found out that you two were androids i would view you as villains you would be evil monster machines out to programmed to pretend to be friends with you exactly right but you either look either way

you are discovering something that you have to keep a secret. You cannot let this get out. In either situation? Yeah. Look, you're going to have some sympathizers to your Android life, but there's going to be people who don't want robots walking around. Yeah. So look what happened to the X-Men. It's a Clark Kent slash Alf situation.

Clark Kent slash Alf? situation. Clark Kent slash Alf? You know, a classic Clark Kent slash Alf sitch as I always call it. You know, where it's like If I didn't know that you're watching so much Alf right now, it really

explain yourself. You can tell the people right around you. Your closest friends can be aware of your alter ego. No. Well, Clark, what? No.

Look, no one knew that Clark Kent was Superman. Okay, Peter Parker. Peter Parker told his closest friends? I don't think so. Well, he did in the movies. I know so. Didn't he pick a patch of pickled peppers? And then Alf, you know, the family knows, but, you know, the doorbell rings.

You got to hide behind the couch. So here's the problem. If you find out you're the only human, you still have your humanity, but your whole world changes. If you find out you're the android, there'd be this, like... You're fake, man. You've been... Introspective, programmed, like nothing is real about you. I think I'd rather nothing be real about anybody else. I think I could handle that psychologically better.

To my point, now you are the human, and defending yourself against androids is going to be impossible. Well, that's the thing. If you're the one android and people start finding out, I think you can handle it. Nothing is more amazing than the human body and mind. I mean, humans are just unbelievable. But if there was an android that could truly, truly be convincing as a human,

and you don't know the difference in their emotional range and all that, I would see them as superior. They would be. And if we were going to do a push-up contest, I assume I'm losing. You assume? Wait, so there's a tiny part of you that's like, I'm going to out-push up this robot? It's 10%. But I think I got a chance.

I think I got a chance. Why do we assume that the androids are more superior? Because we've already lived our lives not knowing that they're androids? Because we know how much our bodies are going to break down over the next 60 years. We know this because robots do industrial jobs and they never stop. Yes, they do. I'm not saying, no, I'm not taking it to the push-up point. I'm taking it to the, why are they better than a human?

Because one virus, the whole world except for you could go down. All right, let me ask you a question. One EMP. Eddie, let me ask you a question, Eddie. One EMP. Eddie, let me ask you a question. What is 789 times 3,456? It's got to be about 20. Well, this machine in front of me knows the answer.

Oh, yeah. So if you can do complex multiplication, you're better? Better at math. Well, find the multipliers in this world. Give them the leadership positions. But how disappointed would you be in yourself if you found out you're an android but you struggled with math like because right now right now i might be an android i don't know it now and then i find out i'm an android and i go but wait why can't i do a thousand push-ups i i threw up in my evaluation with my trainer too human like you've got really bad a bad operating system oh look don't know that would be the toughest thing of all time

i'm the best worst machine oh my gosh okay so i'm taking the machine i'd rather be a human and find out everybody else is an android i will be the machine all right let's get into some life advice spitballers to the rescue all right uh this question or this life advice question comes in from the web today Today, I went to the bathroom at work. Congratulations. Classic. Yeah, man, I've done that. Been there before.

We can relate. While sitting on the toilet, scrolling through Twitter, I heard a female voice. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, no. Dot, dot, dot. I am a dude. At first, I thought she was in the wrong bathroom, but I have since realized I am in the wrong bathroom.

I am scared now, and I don't know how to leave. Oh, goodness. Help me. Help me. That's an incredible situation. Oh, goodness. You have to wait a long time like first off for this guy how do you walk into a bathroom and be like i can see it happening no no no no i totally get

the door i'm talking about when you actually get inside and go this toilet is sparkling clean. This floor is manageable. It should be firing off red flags immediately that there's not just urine everywhere. I'd like to believe that in some buildings, both restrooms are clean. I would probably walk in there and go, oh, they just got done with this. Yes, they just got done cleaning.

I just caught it at a good moment. Let me pee on the floor and get this back to normal. I will say this. Helicopter spin. Helicopter spin pee? Look, the bathrooms that you've been into Do you put your arms out

while you spin? I am not a monster. I'm talking about when I go into a public bathroom at Disneyland and you go, what are these people doing? Nuclear bomb goes off. Look, we had this. Oh, you're talking about the pier. Yes, I'm talking about the pier.

You see, there's one in ten. We'll get back to the actual life advice here. But first, I want to share, at our old job, it was a corporate office. And it was a very small, normal-sized restroom. There was one stall and two urinals. And only a handful of companies used this bathroom on this floor. Yeah, it was probably five companies at the most. Probably five companies, probably a total of

maybe 50 people. Yeah. 25 men, let's assume. Yeah. And every day we'd go in there and somebody would have stood in front of this urinal and just missed. No, I think they... I mean, just a pool. I think they stood like six yards back. Right.

And tried to make it. You would have to... And fail. You would have to walk up to this urinal if you're going to use this after said mystery person had used it. Yeah. And you'd have to try to do Jean-Claude Van Damme splits around the pool so that you could. And so this guy went into the lore of the building.

He was the peer. Did you talk about it with other people in the building? Oh, yeah. We would mention it. Not in the building. He was the peer. Did you talk about it with other people in the building? Oh, yeah. Not in the building, but in the office. Did you try and solve this? Did you go detective? Oh, we tried to solve this. Very much.

This became work. We accused each other of being the peer. If somebody went in there and thought they had been clean earlier, but then somebody else came in, that wasn't there before. I have an announcement. No, I an announcement no no the super long con on this show you break out that i've been peeing on the floor i knew someday we'd have a podcast and i would have a platform to tell everybody i peed on the floor i'm the pisser so four years what was oh the question.

Yeah, what do you do now? Clearly, here's what I want to know. Oh, my goodness. Before you answer that, Jay. Okay. There's two phases. Phase one is, because I assume the answer is going to be, I'm going to wait until it clears out and sneak out.

Yes. But what do you do? Do you pick your legs above the ground because you're afraid of revealing that you're a man? I wonder the same thing. No, your legs have to be down. But I am covering. I'm strategically placing the pants on the shoes to where you can't tell. You don't want to see the ankle hair?

Right. So she's looking over. Because if you're at work, I'm assuming this is like work work where you're wearing some type of fancy shoe. And you're going to know it's a men's dress shoe. Right. That's what I'm saying. You've got to cover it. With your men's slacks.

What are you wearing, Doug? What are those? Jinkos? I mean, how are you covering your shoes up with your pants? You can't pull your legs up because then someone's going to try to come in. Yeah. They might see you through that slot. It's a bad situation. Oh, do someone's going to try to come in. Yeah. They might see you through that slot. It's a bad situation.

Oh, do you think they'll try to come in? Oh, and then you have to say, someone's in here. Sight's tight. Yeah, we've had that discussion. I will say this in all honesty. There have been countless times, maybe 500 times, where I have meandered mindlessly into a restroom 500 times yeah i mean it's pretty often occurrence to be honest that's a lot of meandering i'll be in a i will call him the pisser for nothing i'll be in a restaurant or something and i'll just

meander in and i just assume you know and after i get in i have the terrifying shock the moment of of like did i go on the wrong one oh no i didn't pay a lot of attention and the sight of a hand on door no it door closed you've stepped so now i now you know it's i'm in in the sight of a urinal is the best sight I ever get. Because I go, it's the mints. Oh, thank goodness. I'm back in a thousand. What if somebody does knock?

I mean, do you have to try to alter your voice? Oh, no. What do you do? Almost done. You got to cough. Oh, thank you, Mike. Thank you. Oh, you have helped this person. You can't cough. Oh, thank you, Mike. Thank you. Oh, you have helped this person.

You can't do the fake lady voice. I'll be out soon. I mean, that's not going to... Just powdering. A cough or a sneeze. Just powdering in the stall. I go into the stall to powder my nose. I have a little beer on my compact.

But they don't let me do it at the desk so I come into the stall. What is this depiction of women? This Miss Doubtfire. Because it's man playing woman. I was going to say, there's been enough movies where the women run off the powder of their nose. That's just what I assume is happening. There's powder everywhere. And they're run by fruiting.

Alright, so you've got to wait this one out, right? You've got to wait this one out, but you also have to do the sprint. You've got to be. Once it's time. Once it's been a full 60 seconds and you're sure that you're in the clear and the room is empty. Now, if you do happen to be leaving and then a woman's walking in. You're dead.

Do you just claim that you were refilling the paper towels? That's not a bad idea. Yeah, you just all clean. All clear in here. Everything's good. So, it's not. Take care of it. So, it's not a bad idea you just all clean all clean all clear in here everything's good so it's not care of it so it's not the sprint it's the walkout with confidence yeah you do walk out like i was supposed to be here oh nothing to worry about or what if you just refer to a a cleanup that they don't know i took care of the i cleaned up. Yeah, it's all good now. Or you try to trick them and say, I think the pisser was here.

You say, oh, that's the wrong door. Oh, yes! And then they look. And then by then you're gone. And by then you have... Smoke bomb and you're gone. Okay, so smoke bomb is the kind of last resort here. All right, here's one more life advice question before our Disney Battle Royale draft.

I posted a bike online recently for $50. Someone immediately reached out, paid me, and said that they would be there to pick it up in an hour. Between the transaction and then picking it up, I received tons of messages saying I had a $300 bike. Am I contractually committed to the first deal? Can I back out even though i've been paid so these people reached out to you out of the goodness of their heart to tell you you're listing this bike for way not enough money because you listed it at 50 then they go no no that's a that's an expensive bike don't sell it for 50 but you committed to it well you not only have you

verbally agreed you've taken you did take payment you've taken payment. You did take payment. You've received the moolah. I mean, I have to imagine this is a digital transaction. Yeah. So this isn't like cash in hand. Man, I would be really hard-pressed not to send that money back.

That's a large... Are they on the way? Oh, they will be there to pick it up in an hour. You're done. Yeah, it's over. You've got to honor your deal. It's $250. This isn't like, oh, you could have gotten $75.

It's a $250 lesson. That's right. It is. Because if you hadn't taken payment, I understand sending them a text and saying, I've got other interest. I'm sorry. It's Craigslist. People stiff you. they don't show up it's weird but man it's because the thing is so you posted the bike i'm trying to walk through it you post the bike you say fifty dollars and

the first person that posts and they say i I will take. I mean, generally speaking, you should be happy. Yeah, well, you're happy. And the person who says, I'm next in line doesn't say, I'm next. I'll give you $300. That's why I think a couple, you know, you might have posted it on Facebook. Someone accepts it. They pay. Then you've got like a handful of your biking friends and they send you a little message.

And they just say, dude, that bike's worth a lot more than $50. Yeah, you got to do a little research on your bike. I think you made a mistake. I mean, an item as big as a bike or as valuable as a bike, this isn't a dresser that you're about to get rid of that the value is completely up in the air of whoever wants to buy it. This is a bike. There is a set amount of money that this thing is worth on the market. This is a bike.

There is a set amount of money that this thing is worth on the market. Or like a toilet seat that might be worth $750. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. And it just goes, accidentally goes to Goodwill for free. Here's the funny thing about all of this. And he was referring to me. Yes.

Because I may or may not have had a very price pricey uh object poops and uh we gave it away but here's the thing that's funny because you one of you guys alluded to it i don't know who if you didn't know it was worth three hundred dollars you're happy you got a sale and a purchase that fast yes so it's all perspective and greed. Yes. I was going to bring up the greedy aspect of this. It's all the missing out of what I could have made. It's not this. Because the same thing happened. You wanted $50. You got $50.

If nobody tells you it's worth more than that, you're happy. It's FOMOM instead of FOMO. You're fearing of missing out. It's fearing of missing out of money. Yeah. FOMOM, as they say. As they what they that's what the kids say these days i mean because nobody wants to i mean where they show up to pick up the bike and they go yeah i'm gonna need another 50 i'm gonna need another 250 i'm holding your bike hostage yeah no yeah you got to be happy you

got to take it that's when you give them a little miniature bike and just claim that's the one you would list it oh you got to go find a replacement bike to give them we quickly for 50 bucks we were selling a media cabinet and so when i say the words media cabinet what do you immediately think is going inside of this black and white tv i think dvds dvds so we listed a media cabinet with the dimensions on top of it and we had it out someone taking it so we listed a media cabinet with the dimensions on top of it and we had it out so taking it so we leave it out in the ports they walk up they're like oh I thought I was going to be able to put

like clothes in it what like we listed they pass on it and they passed on it they thought they were going to get a dresser sized cabinet for $15. That was called a media cabinet, and the dimensions were listed. I hope you're listening to this.

Was there no photo? There was totally a photo. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Everything was there. It is a crapshoot when you do those arrangements. What people think they can get off of swap meets on Facebook is absolutely ridiculous. So maybe that's what you do.

Maybe this person needs to take the chain off their bike and let all the air out of the tires. Oh, get them to pass on it when they show up. Yeah. And get them to say, hey, I want a refund. Yeah. All right. You figured it out. That's your only option. Yeah. Oh, where's the tire? hey, I want a refund. All right. You figured it out. That's your only option.

Oh, where's the tire? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew it didn't have a tire. Do you want your money back? Take the seat out. Yeah. Take one of the handlebars. Oh, my gosh.

We just gave real advice on how to ruin somebody. There's going to be another letter in from the other guy. I just bought a bike for $50. When I showed up, it had no seat no tires what do i do and we would tell that person you're out of luck there's nothing you can do you already bought it oh my goodness do you live in your mistake it is a day the people you meet on there i've i'm i tend to think i'm a very friendly person and i don-to-one conversation. I feel like I'm a generous person. I'd like to say that I give

people a good deal on there, but when you are listing an item on Craigslist or SwipSwap or whatever, you've got to be cutthroat. You have to be able to tell a person, if you're not here in 10 minutes, I'm not selling. I'm going to sell it to somebody else. They'll stiff you. They won't show up

if you hold it. I have sold at least 50 products on, I think, predominantly SwipSwap. And I think I've had two successful transactions. Wow. I mean, I've never got it to work. People, oh, I'll be there at two. I'm running late. It's like there are people who are hired by competitors to just go on and bid and win stuff and never show up.

Like, their full-time work is just to ruin everybody on it. Oh, we also had the recent one where the lady shows up and does the old, pulls the money out of the wallet. She's like, oh, I was going to ask you about that. I've only got 15, and it's supposed to be 20. It's like, would you take 15? What'd you say? Yes. You said yes.

No, luckily the wife was handling it, and she said, oh, no, I've got someone else who wants it. And then the lady mysteriously found another $5. The lady's like, hold on. Let me go see if I have something in the car. She goes to the car, pretends to fiddle about in there for like three minutes, comes back with this story of like she has this spare money. She usually keeps it there, but her kids had found it and cleaned it out. But luckily she found $5,000.

Oh, my gosh. I mean, you sneaky. It's $25,000 now, lady. You darn right it sneaky. It's 25 now, lady. You darn right it is. You got plenty in that car. Bring it out. That's what we should have done. I love that your wife didn't give in to that.

Yes. That is some bull. I could never have stood my ground there. That is. Ever. You have to have people waiting. That's the key. If I was the wife in that situation, I'm at the door, I'm sorry, I only have 15.

I'd have been like, yeah, okay. Don't tell my wife I took 15. Don't tell my wife. You take five of your own dollars. Yes. You put it in with it and go, I got 20 for it, babe. You start supplementing. Yeah.

I love it. I'm losing out big time on this. Let's get into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. That's too funny. Too funny. All right. We are doing a Disney characters mock draft.

Now, it is important to note, this is not Disney and all the subsidiaries. There's no Star Wars in here. We actually aren't even letting Pixar enter in. Which is dumb. I stand to the side and protest. You do, but there are enough Disney characters out there in the world, in the ecosystem. We're only drafting four per

team. Snake draft. Mike has the first pick, and I'm very very happy very happy. Let's just remind people what's going on now. Maybe they haven't heard the term battle Royale before, but you picture Rome, ancient Rome. We're in the Coliseum and all three of us walk out and we've got four

friends with us from Disney movies. And then it, someone says fight. That's what we're doing. And then someone says, fight. That's what we're doing. We're battling our teams against one another. Now, are you sure after I give my pick that you guys still want to follow through? I know your pick, but I think we can beat it. I think you should.

We can't beat it. I think you should get that pick, and then Andy and I draft four each, and then you get waiver wire fodder. All right. So, Mike, you have get that pick, and then Andy and I draft four each, and then you get waiver wire fodder. All right. So, Mike, you have the first pick. It's the genie. Yeah, of course it's the genie.

Phenomenal cosmic powers, bro. Itty bitty living space. Yeah. He's not living in there when we're fighting. So, he's free right now, though, right? Isn't he free? Yes, he is. So, he may show up.

He may not. That's what I'm saying. I'm pretty sure all of these characters are free to do what they want. Free to not show up. Yeah, free to not. All right, so the genie is gone. I've never heard of that character, but whatever. No, the genie, solid pick, the obvious number one.

I was hoping that somehow it just wasn't. Well, here, the good news for you is there is an obvious number two, Andy, and I don't. So if Jason with his medicine head somehow misses it. I think I have my obvious number two, but I will be so disappointed if Jason doesn't. Okay, this show's over. I feel sick, and I think we should record this in another week, and because it'll be a new week, I get the first pick.

I am really upset here. what here's a little mistake are you about to make peel back the curtain here i was prepared for the number two pick i was prepared but i got hoodwinked right here at this desk before the show because no picture picture it's mr incredible's my pick there's a better pick than mr incredible now here's the thing there are two better picks than mr incredible i agree with that i don't know what andy's about to take he's got two coming up and i'm trying to play the game of what could come back to me i think both could come back i don't want to play one side of it. So I'm just going to take the guy that I love. Look, it seems like every draft possible that I can draft the rock. I'm doing it.

Okay. So you have a genie. I'm taking a demigod. I'm taking Maui. Okay. That's a great pick. He's got magic. He's got power.

He's a fighter. That's a great pick. It's not the clear number two pick, but it's a very good one. It's not the clear number two pick. I agree with you. How do you spell that? Maui? Is it just M-A-U-I? Yes. I got it. I got it in there. What can I say? Except you're welcome. I think it's a very solid...

That wasn't even on my list. No, it wasn't on mine either. And that's a great pick to counter a genie. Yeah. I think that's solid great pick to counter a genie. Yeah. I think that's solid. I'm taking Brute Force. I've got two picks back to back. I am taking the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Okay.

You got some raw power there. And I'm teaming them up with another raw power. You're going all physical. I'm going very physical. All physical strength. All right. And I'm going very physical. All physical strength. All right. And I'm going Simba. Okay.

Okay, Simba. I'm taking Simba. If you give me a chance in a battle royale to draft a Roaring Lion, I'm going to take it. I assume someone would draft Mufasa because. That would be a good counterpick to Simba. Well, I think Scar would be a better counterpick to Mufasa. Scar can't fight.

I'm pretty sure Scar already beat Mufasa. Sorry, spoiler alert. He tricked him. Cheater. We're in a gladiator dome. You think he's going to get a good stampede to come through? Does he have stampede powers? I am happy.

I am happy. I can't believe that the pick is still on the board. I am happy that it came back to me. You got the genie. This is upsetting. You've got, you know, power galore. I've got to take Jafar,

who is himself a genie at the end of that movie. No, nah. He is a genie. Cosmic power. I'm taking... You got Jafar. And so, Mike, do you get the pick you want? I do.

You guys are crazy. So what's the obvious pick to you? The leader of the Greek gods? I thought about that one. No, no, no. Yes. That's a Disney cartoon. But that is a...

That was a Disney movie. It was. Yes, it was a Disney movie. But that's not a Disney character. Oh, yes, it is. Yes, it is. They did not come up with this character. Disney hasn't come up with a single character in their life. They go take stories that they can get for free.

This is a normal character from a movie. You're taking Hercules. No, I'm taking Zeus. You're taking, oh, you're taking Zeus, the dad? I'm taking Zeus. Now I understand Jace's problem. Well, I mean, I just feel like- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

These are- There's not a problem if it's Hercules. Because that's the name of the movie, the character that was made. But the point is... Hercules is a Greek legend. Yes, he's a Greek legend. He's not a Disney character. Neither is Snow White.

Neither is Pinocchio. Neither is Peter Pan. All right, all right. I won't be drafting Pinocchio or Snow White in my battle royale. Have you guys never noticed that Disney... No, I know that. They don't make up characters. Oh, they make up plenty of characters.

They just made up all of the characters here. I'm fine with it. Actually, I don't think they made up the genie. Actually, Lion King is also a stolen story. Okay. I don't like it, and I protest, but whatever. Okay, okay. Well, I'm going to take Zeus.

Okay, so you've got Zeus. Yes, the Greek god. You just drafted a Greek god. You are correct. Okay. So you've got Zeus. Yes. The Greek God. You just drafted a Greek God. I just. You are correct. Okay. All right. Changing my options here.

That's why I was surprised that you went with no magic. Yeah. Man. So then I'm flabbergasted over here because I never thought that this was going to happen. So I was ready for these other picks. Well, then you should be really ready because you got one that dropped to you. All right. And right.

That should work in your favor. No, no. Because I'm playing the game of Jason. Like now what can actually come back to me with the pick? Because I never thought that a Greek god would make it back to me. I am going to... Oh, goodness. It's so weird because I would never think of Zeus as a Disney character.

Never. And I love that he took him because it's going to ruin his draft. People are going to go... I think so. I think you're right. All right. Who's your second pick, Mike? It actually hurts your genie pick.

I think we can win here. I think so. All right. Go ahead. Okay. I am going to take... Oh, no. You got me tilting.

Yes. You're darn right we did. Tilt your face off. I don't know what that means. Goodness. All right. I'm going to stay with magic then, and I'll take a quote-unquote Disney character. Like Zeus.

Like the Disney character battle royale draft we're doing. All right. Who do you have? I can't draft Mr. Incredible as a Disney character, but he can get Zeus. Yeah. One of those is a Disney character. One is not. One of those is a Pixar character.

I'm sorry. Disney owns Pixar. And also. ESPN. Yes. I draft LeBron James. All right. character one is not one of those is a pixar character i'm sorry uh disney owns pixar and also espn yes i drive lebron james you wouldn't have to take make a pick mike i like it you just said lebron james is the espn character uh he's a character for the movie espn he's been on the television show yes uh mike if you don't make a pick you're losing it i'm gonna take uh another magic person i heard eeyore shoot i heard it too i'm gonna take another magic person uh a sorceress very powerful sorceress i'm gonna take maleficent interesting you're you're just picking stuff i can't spell properly yes that is my number one goal All right. We're also in big trouble.

All right. Coming back to me here, there are a couple characters I like. I'm questioning Hercules because Hercules should be drafted. Yes, he should. If he's allowed to be drafted, I mean, I've already got one. I'm really glad I threw it out there. That's awesome. Oh, that's who I thought Mike was drafting because, I don't know, he seems like a Disney character.

Yeah, he is a Disney character. Zeus does not seem like a Disney character. And that's what's going to hurt Mike. And it is going to hurt Mike. I love it. Hercules seems like a Disney character. Well, because- The name of the movie is Hercules.

Yeah, I don't know if you know that, but they made this movie called Hercules. Yeah. There's a song called Hercules. Is there? There's a song called Go the Distance, which I referenced earlier in the episode. Isn't that Michael Bolton? Yes. Yeah. Oh, give me Michael Bolton. I'm taking Hercules. That's a song called Go the Distance, which I referenced earlier in the episode. Isn't that Michael Bolton? Yes. Yeah.

Oh, give me Michael Bolton. I'm taking Hercules. That's a good song. Oh, no, you can get Michael Bolton. He's a Disney character. Oh, I'm taking Michael Bolton. No, I want... Wait, all right.

No, give me Hercules. I've got two demigods here. Look, I have to battle back all this magic power. This stinks. I've got the Beast and Simba. Oh, by the way, Maui, not a Disney character. Not a Disney creation. Okay, stop. This stinks. I've got the Beast and Simba. By the way, Maui, not a Disney character. Not a Disney creation. Okay, stop. Stop it. We're not debating

Disney creation. I gotta just make my point. It's not a good point. Nobody vote for Mike. A vote for Mike is a vote for evil. I think what we're saying, genuinely, is that Zeus seems such a peripheral character in that movie that we don't prototypically think of it.

Like, Maui is obviously one of the main characters of the movie. Well, you guys got to go deeper. Well, look, I have to... You can take the frog prince if you want. I can go the distance, Mike. I'm taking King Triton. Okay, okay. Also, basically, Poseidon.

Yeah, that's fine. I missed who Jason took. He took Hercules. Okay. That was an official... Enjoy being out of the water in the Coliseum. Shut up. It's a battle royale. Out of the water?

I had King Triton. I took Ariel's father, who's basically poiseden. He can't breathe. He's basically just flopping around. He's flopping around. He can breathe. I take the little mermaid. That's fine. He can breathe. Yeah, he can breathe totallyills. He's flopping around. He can breathe. I take the little mermaid. That's fine. He can breathe.

Yeah, he can breathe totally, but he's flopping around on the dirt. Oh, yes. King Triton. This is great. Freaking disaster. I've got no hope. Because I'm picturing him flopping around. Oh, yeah.

Oh, just. It's freaking amazing. Why is this on land? I can't aim my trident. Why is this on land? Because you put it in a coliseum. You did this. Oh, I made a mistake.

Oh, man. Okay. I don't have any hope in this draft. I need another magical character is how I feel at this point. There's plenty. There are a lot of characters I still like. There's one you'll go, that's not a Disney character. That's the one Mike will take.

Mike's going to get zero votes because it'll be like, these aren't actually. Mike will get enough votes with the genie. Yeah, the genie wins. I've never. Al Borland, do you think that Mike is going to do well with the Zeus pick and he's going to win the vote? I do, yes. Zeus was a character in a Disney movie. Get at it.

Go build something. Borland. Could I theoretically take Captain Jack Sparrow? Yeah, of course you can. Those are Disney. I'll just chime in real quick. When you Google Zeus, Disney it says Zeus is a major character in Disney's

1997 animated film Hercules. He is the king of the Olympian gods and the father of the legendary... I know who Zeus is! Al Borland! I'm just saying, Zeus is a major character in Disney's... Why did we arm his mind? Says the internet! Alright, I'm taking Elsa.

I need magic powers. That's a great pick. I was going to take Elsa. I need magic powers. I was going to take Elsa if she came back to me. Wait a minute. You already picked. Wait a minute. I know.

Okay. I'm taking Elsa. You're trying to fix Triton. I'm taking Elsa, and I think I can fix Triton. She can't make water. Oh, she can. It'll take a little while to melt, but then he'll be comfortable. Really, really thin ice.

He will be totally fine. I can make this work because this is a hot place. She drops a little ice, melts into a pool. Water evaporates. In 40 to 45 minutes, King Triton has got you. All right. I've got a couple picks. This is the worst draft ever.

I've got a couple picks that I like. One of the ones that I consider, and I'll throw this out there because I don't think you'll take them anyways. I'm not going to take it, but it's kind of what I do. Peter Pan can fly. I thought about Peter Pan. I did. He's got experience fighting, but I also feel like he's kind of a little boy.

Can I weaken trade out king I have such a pick I want that I just forgot alright go on I'll bring it up afterwards and I'll cry so there's I mean I could go with another lion from the lion king a lot of my list man

Mr. Incredible Elsa Sully I wanted Sully to counteract the beast, but you guys took all my Pixar away from me. Yeah, we heard you complain already. Continue. So I think I am going to... I still want some strength.

This might not have magic, but Tarzan is a fighter. Sure. And he is able to counteract. I mean, he's going to beat up a beast, no problem. The beast was just a prince who got big and hairy. Tarzan grew up in the jungle with eight. In the beast defense, he was a beast. Yes.

And, I mean, Gaston did give him a pretty good fight. Yeah. And died. So, I'll take Tarzan. Gaston died? Yes. Oh, okay. Right? Overtly? died so i'll take our he gaston died yes oh okay right overtly well yeah he falls into a large crevasse okay i don't remember that that's how spoiler alert all right you've got maui jafar hercules and tarzan i have the beast simba king triton and elsa mike you have the genie zeus

maleficent and there are there's the one pick I'm going to take. There's two that I really want to take, but their power is incredible. But neither of you are going to have any idea who they are. Agreed. And I'm concerned that they probably go with that. Is this a side bit part in a Disney movie? No. I mean, he's a feature part, but he's not the main part of the movie.

Oh, see, this is dumb because there's so many characters I'm now remembering that I didn't put in. How is that my fault? Because you guys have made this into like, these aren't Disney characters. Now, do you think if that's true, then how in the world do you want to include a whole other category of Pixar? We can do a separate Pixar draft. Those are Disney-owned and they're animated cartoon characters in movies. This makes you dig deeper. Mike, who's your final pick?

I mean, I'll write down who my final pick would be if I was stupid like you guys. Okay, I'm going to take Merlin. Yep, Merlin is what I'm writing down. No, Merlin is 100%. Merlin is a main character in Sword and Stone. Mike just won the draft. Yeah, of course Mike won the draft. Merlin is 100%. Merlin is a main character in Stormy Stone. Mike just won the draft. Yeah, of course Mike won the draft. Merlin is 100% a Disney character.

I just feel like when you're talking about classic, like Robin Hood. Merlin's a classic. Robin Hood is a great example. Like, Robin Hood has been a character in a Disney movie. Yes. But Robin Hood is not a Disney character. That's what they all are. They all are that.

They aren't all that. Merlin is the wizard in the story of King Arthur. Now's what they all are. They all are that. They aren't all that. Merlin is the wizard in the story of King Arthur. Now, let's be clear. You're not picking Robin Hood from all the other Robin Hood movies. You'd be picking Robin Hood from the Disney Robin Hood movie. But my point is, if you poll people, and just like public opinion, and you say, tell me about Merlin. Like the internet. Like the internet is public opinion when you know, and you say, tell me about Merlin. Like the internet is public opinion when you type in Zeus.

No, if you type in Disney Zeus. If you type in Zeus, yes, that's what he typed in. If you type in Zeus, you're not coming up with Disney. Okay, what word do you want me to search? Merlin. Merlin? Yeah. Okay, Merlin.

A lot of nothing to do with disney yeah yeah okay but but that's my point is it i don't feel like those are well if you put maui in you're gonna get a island oh that's a good question has disney seo'd to me the island we're having a fruitless debate because the draft is over. The point of secondary character that I wanted to take was, have you guys seen Fantasia? Yes. I figured you might go that route. You could literally take the devil. Yeah, Lucifer.

Oh my goodness. Yeah. The mountain guy. I don't know his name, but he is literally the devil. But I'll take Merlin. It's fine. Merlin is the pick that I got really upset about that I should have taken instead of King Triton. Yes.

Floppy dad. I shouldn't have set up the Coliseum. That's my problem. I should have just left it alone. Look. Because King Triton is basically drafting Poseidon. Yes. And I can't pronounce him.

Poseidon? Poseidon. Poseidon? Nope. It's P-O-I. Yeah, but it's Poseidon. Yeah. Borland, how do you say that?

I just say Poseidon. Yep. Cheater. This is what I will grant you this. You can have an outer ring. Of water? Of water. Oh, so I get like a moat?

Yeah. All right. On the outside. That is unnecessarily kind. But then your team is like, I don't care. Do whatever you want. I've got the genie. What did you guys learn today?

I learned that Jason has a real problem with this draft. I have legitimately a gigantic problem with this draft. This draft is null and void and does not count to me. I learned, however, that Carrot Top's face freaks me out. That's what we both had a Carrot Top lesson. I learned Carrot Top's, he's still out. Oh, that's what we both had a Carrot Top lesson. I learned Carrot Top's, he's still performing. He's at the Luxor. You can see him right now.

846 years old. It's Carrot Top. Hey, make sure you subscribe to the podcast. It's free. Click that little subscribe button. You'll get every single new episode. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to SpitballersPod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.